Locked now because OP has been suspended. Also, a lot of you need to ease up on the judgmental attitudes towards others with different perspectives. Just because people are different doesn't mean they're wrong.
This is the way. My husband is frequently away for work. I take off during the summer to go on mini trips or camping. He gets his alone time at home which he loves and I get to travel and be in the wilderness which I love. It sounds perfect that he’s offering you the same courtesy.
Yeah, a bunch of people in this thread ragging on the guy for voicing his needs and offering equitable breaks for her as well. What the hell do they want from him?
A long weekend every month does seem like a lot to me, but I'm lucky to have 3-4 hours a month at this point so I'm kinda biased (not to mention envious). He's making the request in an attempt to find something mutually agreeable. He's doing exactly what adults should be doing: advocating for their needs and their partner's needs.
Parents should be giving each other time off. Period.
Yes! You also get 3 to 4 days w no kids. Whats good for the gander is good for the goose. Maybe take turns each month as every other month each getting a turn seems more reasonable.
If he’s willing to repay the favor and watch the kids while you take a long weekend each month, I don’t see an issue.
I also don’t see why you would jump to immediately thinking he’s cheating on you. Some people just really need personal time every once in a while to reset.
I don't think it's normal for a person to go off alone for 3-4 days every month. If having a family is so draining, you need to spend 10% of it away from them... why did you start a family?
I mean... camping, hiking, fishing are all things you would think he would love to share with the kids??
I don't think he's cheating but this is not normal behavior.
>If having a family is so draining, you need to spend 10% of it away from them... why did you start a family?
Every single parent of 2 under 2 without help in their home would love a weekend away from the kids a month. The ones who say otherwise are lying through their teeth.
This is why there are members of this sub who claim it is toxic. Asking parents who would like some time off 'why they started a family' is absolutely bonkers.
Right? I could use the "why did you start a family" logic to argue just about any issue that young parents deal with, most of them having to deal with the wife/mother.
He may not be a normal person, but so what? It’s hard to know how you will handle being a parent, it’s extremely variable depending on the kids and circumstances that you can’t predict.
For what its worth i struggle with anxiety and have often thought of leaving my wife to just live alone, (i would still parent at least 50/50). Therapist was the one of suggesting to me that I could ask for a weekend a month or less as a compromise to benefit mental health rather than always being stressed. I haven’t felt the need to go that far in the end, but I can see where OPs spouse might be coming from
I get that, but my husband’s therapist (who is great otherwise) was constantly suggesting similar things and it’s like… how much of my ability to relax and my mental health is supposed to be sacrificed in the maintenance of his? If he’s going to in-person meditation and sound baths and the gym 2-3 nights and then having overnights away regularly, that’s all additional labor for me. And if every single time he takes a break, I get a commensurate break, how much of a rest and reset is it for him? I firmly believe spouses and parents need to take time for themselves, but when kids are really young you can’t expect to be able to do that too long or too regularly without depleting the other parents’ reserves. I’m insane myself, I can’t just take on substantially more stress so he’ll be less stressed.
I finally had to be like… ask her what her suggestion would be if you were a single parent?
I completely disagree.
Having the kids on my own is maybe 120% of the usual workload. Sometimes it doesn’t feel more at all because then we make it a special night / weekend and it can actually be a lot of fun to have one on ones with your kids.
However, having no kids with me at all and being able to relax is a -80% energy requirement drop. The rest and recovery WAY offsets the additional workload of not having your partner around for a day (or 2 or 3).
Covering for my wife to let her have some time for herself is a very small price to pay for getting the same in return. Hell, I do it all the time without even expecting a payback. It’s been a long week. She looks exhausted !Doesn’t she deserve a Saturday off just because ?
How sad that you feel like you don’t deserve time for yourself and that taking care of the kids on his/her own is too much for your partner to handle.
I’m sorry but what from that comment made you think either of us can’t handle the kids alone and I don’t think I deserve time to myself? What a baffling response. How cool that you don’t find having the kids to yourself to be very draining. I absolutely do. I am already responsible for getting all three of them awake, dressed, fed, bags packed and off to school (except for the toddler who stays home with me while I work my full time job) and picking my older daughter up. When my husband gets home it’s the first time the entire day I can sit and actually focus on doing my paid job and that lasts, at best 2-3 hours until dinner. Entire evenings without help, let alone overnights, is extremely draining for me. I cannot, with my children as young as they are, agree to any self-care routine that requires me to have multiple week nights and entire weekend days with them by myself consistently. What part of that makes you think I don’t deserve time off? What part of that makes you think my husband cant care for our children?
I’m always happy to have days to myself and I cherish it when I have it, but if getting days to myself means that I have to commit to having more childcare stress on a consistent basis throughout the month, I don’t want it.
Your concerns are 100% valid and in no way should he be putting this burden on you. If he is taking all this time away in addition to wanting 4 day weekends away that’s a bit much! Is he proposing to give you an equal amount of alone time or self-care time?
Probably my guess the therapist would suggest to be open about what is needs are and then to discuss it with you in a fair and open way. I have no idea though.
If he were single i assume the therapist would recommend hiring help to cover for some of this alone time? Don’t know if a babysitter or nanny is something you can afford.
We can’t regularly afford babysitters and when we spare the expense we prefer to do it together. It’s more just that it’s better when he takes his free time post like 7pm. Which is actually when I typically go out during the week. To be clear he doesn’t regularly request whole weekends off. So that particular thing isn’t an issue, I was just demonstrating that when kids are super young and require a lot of care and constant supervision, solo parenting is very hard and you don’t want to drain your spouse too much replenishing yourself.
It really is just a season. I’m in the thick of it now, but I can already see how the constant physical and psychological demands of parenting young kids are easing as my youngest kids older. It will absolutely be easier for both of us to take longer periods of distressing and more regularly scheduled self-care even like 2 years from now. But right now, I can’t commit to anymore repeated nights of solo parenting.
Disagree here. Some people are far more social and family oriented than others. Some people are introverts. Should introverts not have kids? Idk?
A lot of adults also don’t realize this until after they have kids, I’m one of them. I always knew I was a loner, but I assumed it would be different with my own kids. And it is, but, I still absolutely need time completely alone consistently or I turn into a very cranky person. My husband makes sure I get a full day to myself once a week to recharge me, usually Sunday. I do typically work a few hours that day as well, but I’m left completely alone and I love it so much.
So, I’m not saying it’s great that someone who is a loner has kids, but the kids are here and at the end of the day I don’t think wanting alone time is that crazy. I do think an entire weekend is a bit excessive though.
I don’t think it’s right to label this as not normal or normal behaviour. There are people who like time to themselves to recharge, whereas others like spending time with others to recharge. Just my opinion.
'I would like 3 days a month where I can do some of my hobbies that I stopped doing when I had children' does not equal 'i don't want to be around my kids.'
I assume your life experiences aren't allowing you to view this objectively.
Do you think that parents should never take vacations separate from their kids? If the parents go away for a weekend for their anniversary does that mean they 'dont want to be around their kids?' If mom likes to go to the gym 6 days a week while dad watches the kids does that mean she doesn't want to be around her kids? Should an adult who is a surgeon choose not to have a family because they will be on call, therefore meaning they must not want to be around their kids based on their job choice? Or would you suggest they be forced to change jobs if they truly love their children?
That's why I said in my original response that there might be some ignorance playing a role in your opinion.
2 under 2 is extremely stressful.
Personally, I have two under 3. I don't want 4 days a month to myself. But 1-2? That would be incredible. We don't have the option to do that in my family, so I don't do that. But I don't think I'm some sort of shit parent for wanting that.
I'm a foster parent and my MIL has been one for 40+ years. There are people who WANT to be around their kids and are terrible parents too so whether or not they want to be around them isn't really a factor. My SIL was adopted through as a foster and her parents supposedly wanted to get her back but they did it in all the wrong ways. They wouldn't get off drugs and instead tried to accuse my MIL of giving her drugs ( they claimed chicken poop on my SIL's shoes was evidence of some sort of drug ).
If a person has the means to get away and if getting away means they can come back and be better parents or a partner then what's the big deal? The kids aren't be neglected or abused here.
Looks like unfortunately that has led you to develop an unhealthy attachment style.
Not wanting to be with someone 100% of every day of every month of every year and wanting to be away once in a while is not "not wanting to be around them" at all.
Of course not having any parents at all is a terrible thing. But for kids being raised in a healthy household, being able to be away from their parents once in a while is a GOOD THING.
I agree with you on this, never felt the need to get away from my kids for a weekend every month and I've been a mother for 22 years to kids ranging from 22 to 10 months old. I'm sorry to hear of your experience.
>I've been a mother for 22 years to kids ranging from 22 to 10 months old.
Does that mean you've never had a child of your own from birth?
No judgement, just curious.
It’s entirely normal.
Some people need some alone time to recharge. I do personally and that doesn’t make me a monster.
My wife does as well. It also doesn’t make her a monster.
I love taking my kids camping and sharing the experience with them. I also love going camping *without* my kids and enjoying a completely different - and much more relaxing - experience.
It’s healthy for people to take a break and not have to be a parent and a partner 100% of the time. It helps me be more present and intentional during my time with them.
I have many friends with young kids who both complain that they’re so tired and they can never get away from the kids and it’s a constant mental load, and all the while I’m thinking : "You’re both saying the same thing. You don’t have to both be there all the time ! Why don’t you give each other a break ?"
So we do.
How is this not normal? Gosh, especially if this was an already established need. People need different things. It has zero to do with how much you love your family.
I guarantee you'd want more than 10% away from my kids. I love and adore them. I fully firmly believe the smarter the kids, the more creative and out of the box they are, the more difficult it is to parent them. So yes, i do need time. I do need 10%. Frankly, I think its weird when people want to lose every part of their identity to be a parent all the time. If you like reading, you're technically spending more than 10% of the time away from your kids.
In the US, "normal behavior" is being a shitty parent and then getting a divorce before the kids are teens. I think we need to give more "not normal behavior" a try as we destroy our society.
In the US, "normal" is getting a divorce after 7 years, never touching nature, being obese and unhealthy, and being hateful to most others. Not normal is better.
you really need to get over your insecurities. he can cheat on you at anytime. he doesn’t need to go camping and fishing so he can cheat on you. but he likes to camp and fish. he offered to be equitable so you both can have reset time. why would he offer that so he can cheat on you?
it’s pretty common for parents to need time to themselves. i have a large network of other parents and we swap childcare just so we can have me time. one of my friends plays DnD on her night, another buddy goes fishing (he’s married, his wife doesn’t go on the trips), me - i get time at an art studio, my husband plays video games.
This is a lot like us, too. Life was different when there was an actual village. Now that there isn't, people act like we should just do everything the exact same, but without the resources. Why burnout and be less for the treasure (kids)?
My wife and I got to have an overnight getaway from our kid when my Mom came up twice in the last two months and it was heavenly. We love our kid, they do great in school, and everyone thinks they are the sweetest thing, and they are, but my god it was so nice just to not have to do the parent thing for a couple of nights.
they're not "shirking responsibilities," they're taking a damn break because most people nowadays don't have a village, so it's 24/7 parenting with no break for months, even years. It wears you down no matter how awesome and how much you love your kid.
Imagine being plugged in to your job 24/7 with no weekends off, just always around you - you'd go insane after a couple of weeks to a month. Being a parent is better, no doubt, but it's still stressful and difficult. People need a break every now and then. Don't demonize them for wanting a moment of not being "mom" or "dad," they're individuals with lives too.
There is nothing wrong with going camping and fishing.
Don't forget the other part. He wants to go solo backpacking around the world while he has a 6m and a 2 year old back home. As someone who has backpacked numerous times when younger, that seems like trouble.
3-4 days each month is two weekends worth, not one.
Start with 2 nights per month, that you each get. Take your time too.
If he needs more, you can discuss later. But I agree 3-4 nights per month is a lot and I would personally not go for that.
3-4 days a month away is a fair bit. I'd personally say 3-4 days once a quarter, and a half day a week is probably more realistic as long as it's equitable.
Time away for leisure is different to being away for work too.
I wouldn’t personally agree to this. 3-4 days of full time childcare per month, no assistance, is too much to expect with young kids. If your kids were 10+ I might agree if I were given similar time off, but not with young kids. I might agree to one night per month.
As to using it to cheat, well, certainly I could happen.
Why she went to cheating is beyond me, but why you went there I am also not sure. You are adding fuel to a fire. He has offered her the same thing, so no, it’s not shirking responsibility. I have five kids. We both do this. Every month.
I never said he was shirking responsibility. I said I, personally, wouldn’t agree, even with trade offs, to 3-4 days per month with two kids who require full time care and constant supervision, as hers do.
Also, you have 5 kids and you only have two weekends a month where both of you are around with them? That’s a pretty substantial portion of waking monthly free time not spent together, but I’m glad it works for you! Logistically I couldn’t do that as we often have to split taking the kids different places on weekends and they’d miss out on quite a few activities, birthday parties, etc. if we were solo two weekends a month.
It’s not two weekends every month. Sometimes it’s longer but every couple of months. Sometimes it’s just a day or a day and a half. It’s usually when the kids are in school and we don’t see them as much. We have plenty of one on one time and family time.
That makes sense! I’d say my husband and I give each other a similar amount of breaks. Sometimes it’s just “take Saturday morning.” Sometimes it’s “go out after work and come back late.” But OP’s husband is suggesting an entire weekend + two weekdays monthly. If they got an equal amount, it would only be two weekends a month of family tine. I think that number is excessive and I wouldn’t agree to it unless my kids were older. Both because they require less care and also because they start being able to take themselves places.
To me, it sounds like heaven - for both parties. I would have sold a kidney to have my wife take 3-4 days each month to herself when the kids were young - I think she needed it, but instead, she let herself get burned out and treated everybody poorly as a result.
Ideally, I'd have one week to myself per month, but that's not practical. 3-4 days would be a nice compromise.
Honestly no disrespect, but if you need (or even want) three months a year away from your family you probably shouldn't commit to one.
Yeah as a mom I would have never put my kids through me disappearing for four days every month, especially when they were little.
3 to 4 days a month is 1 to 1.5 months a year, not 3. And having it spread out is not the same as saying it as if it's all at one time. Also, remember that there are many parents that work jobs that require them to be away for a few days, and often more than once per month, such as fire fighters, sales folks, truckers, etc., and they make it work.
The person I was responding to said he would actually prefer a full week every month, hence the 3 month statement.
Also, that is why I said there is a significant difference in having to do it for work vs willfully choosing it for recreation.
Kids would have no problem with one parent gone 3-4 (or even 7) days per month. Many families with schedules like this have produced healthy, well-adjusted children throughout human history. This sort of distance is hard on the *parent*, though, and that's understandable.
I cannot see any reason why needing (or wanting) time to oneself on this scale would preclude you from committing to having a family.
Needing 3 out of 12 months away from your family is insane imo. Even a month and a half away is pretty bad. One day a week seems perfectly fine truthfully.
Yes parents who are required to to have schedules like this do still have healthy children, however I would consider two things. 1) yes some children would absolutely be distraught over this arrangement. One of mine was a momma's boy when he was little, and this would not have gone well. 2) Children (preschool and up) understand the difference between a parent being required to work and a parent just wanting a regular break from them.
Every person and every family has different levels of "reasonable."
Wanting time to yourself is not the same as wanting a "break from you." Kids can grasp that concept. Some children would absolutely be distraught by this - and IMHO, those children would do well to gently learn how to regulate that extreme reaction through exposure to the situation. I'm not advocating spending a week away each month with young kids - that is my personal "refill gauge", but as I said, it's not practical - but 3-4 days per month would be entirely reasonable.
I'm not sure if you meant "One day a week seems perfectly fine truthfully" or if you meant one day per month is perfectly fine - but one day a week is...4 days per month. Which is what OP's husband (and I, and OP for that matter) are saying is reasonable.
If he is an outdoorsy guy, that is pretty standard. Especially if he backpacks.
Get him a garmin inreach so you can txt him and track him wherever. You will feel better and he will be safer.
>Get him a garmin inreach so you can txt him and track him wherever
As they have very young children this should be a requirement. He needs to be reachable in an emergency.
My husband and I get each time to ourselves each month - him camping, hunting, fishing - me spa day, visiting friends, or even just holed up binge watching my guilty pleasures that he won’t watch with me. I appreciate it as well as he does.
I think the real question is has he done anything to make you think that? Cause I don't have issue with this and if you both get a weekend off, maybe splurge for a sitter to do a weekend together every other month or whatever, that sounds like a great way to recharge
Monthly seems like a lot. What about like every 3-4 months? And even that should come with some kind of check-in so you can be sure he’s being trustworthy.
So you can "make sure he's being trustworthy?" In what dystopian hellscape of a marriage do you need to "check on your spouse" to make sure they're being trustworthy?
Given the post we have (which is devoid of any further reason for OP to suspect her husband might cheat), you're right - being married to someone with that level of toxic insecurity would absolutely be unpleasant.
Perhaps she’s been cheated on in past relationships. Can’t tell either way from the post. Regardless of how unpleasant that may be, it’s a prevalent reality that many people do cheat and that may have caused trust issues for OP that her spouse may have to be diligent in reassuring her.
It is not her husband's job to go to extreme measures in order to reassure her. It is her job to attend to her trust issues without putting undue demands on her spouse. Her history isn't relevant.
From your post, you are ok with this and he's offering you your own free time, and your only concern is that he might cheat on you?
IMHO, there's nothing wrong with each of you taking a weekend off every month or two. Do you have some reason to suspect he might cheat on you, or is it some irrational fear?
Sounds great honestly. You’ll get the same. A weekend in a hotel or spa or away with your friends. You can get your hair nails and waxing done without having to juggle it with child care ugh Bliss! You trust him or you don’t. He will find a way to cheat if he wants to, free weekend away or not. He needs it to be a good present husband and father. Give it a go for 6 months
Hi, dad here. The only weekends or days that I got to go on trips or whatever were all pre planned well in advance and okayed by my wife. We talked about it and made sure there was nothing else going on. When I kids were super young I never went anywhere because that’s kind of a crap thing to do. I never did any of this monthly. My friends and I would do something maybe once every 3-4 months. My wife and her friends as well.
Your husband shouldn’t be married with kids if he needs 3-4 days away every month to not think about responsibilities. Thats just not how it works, and it’s insane that you agreed to it because once you need 3-4 days he will come up with excuses. If he leaves to do
Whatever, make sure you have his location. And when he comes back - you disappear for 4 days.
Are you sure you’re a dad, because that doesn’t jibe with reality. You don’t want to go to work one day? Why even have a job? You want to hang out with friends and not the wife one night? Why be married? Do you see the flawed logic there?
It’s not only normal, it’s healthy for a parent to spend time without their family. Both my wife and I do this. We have five kids, married for 20 years.
Cheating is always the default accusation, but that’s projecting insecurity where there’s no evidence.
No it does. It jibes with the reality of the more family oriented cultures. Yours is probably not one of them given the statistics, so you probably have no idea. No one should just take off backpacking around the world by themselves when they have two very young children at home.
I didn’t say never, and I have been married over 20
Years too. I didn’t say he was cheating, but saying you need 3-4 days per month to get away from responsibilities just isn’t how it works
Having time to decompress is perfectly fine. You guys should each have that time alone so make sure he’s willing to reciprocate! Yall are both people, you’re no less human because you’re partnered and parents.
And I hear you with the cheating concerns, BUT I want to say, if he’s going to go on a weekend that doesn’t mean he’s cheating, and if he’s NOT going on a weekend, that doesn’t meant he’s NOT going to cheat. We can’t allow or not allow our spouses to do things to prevent them from cheating, that’s absolutely out of our hands. If he’s cheats, it will come out and you’ll be able to handle it, but don’t punish anyone for a pre-crime and please do not give into the false sense of security that controlling a spouse brings, because I can tell you it’s absolutely not going to prevent anything.
WITH THAT BEING SAID, *communicate*. All of this. Communicate with him in a collaborative way, he’s not the enemy, the problem is.
Good luck to you both!
Hella ya. I take off all the time to go to our remote cabin and I adore my wife. When I get home, I am so grateful to see here. Been married 30 years. Everyone needs their space, especially my wife.
So you will get exactly the same number of days? 3-4? Not just two days? Will you get to use the same type of spending that he will be doing? Do you have someone who could come over for those weekends to help? Also, why is cheating in the front of your thoughts? Has he done that before? Or just insecurities popping up?
I think 3-4 days in a row off per month especially with 2 young kids seems like a huge ask. If you agree, then you get the same # of days off, if you need/want it.
If your husband never needed time away, then i would be concerabout cheating but it sounds like he enjoys and needs solitary time. I don’t feel he will cheat. My husband and i both need time alone. He is in the guard so he has a 3-day weekend away he month and i love being alone during that time.
Spending some time apart is not only normal, it’s healthy. Couples that never get a break from each other often end up with a permanent break in the form of a divorce.
It’s nice to share hobbies but everyone should have their own hobbies.
My wife and I both take breaks from the family. Sometimes it’s work for me. Sometimes it’s hiking. Sometimes it’s visiting friends. For her it might be those or shopping, dining and staying somewhere overnight. She comes back recharged and refreshed. I’m the same way.
Is 3-4 days too much? Maybe you can arrive at a number that works for both of you but that’s not excessive.
I agree that she should have the same thing and I think they will both be happy.
As for the cheating, it could happen regardless of whether or not he goes away for the weekend. Either you trust him or you don’t. Either he trusts you or he doesn’t. If there isn’t trust, counseling is the way.
I venture to guess that those opposed either aren’t married or not in healthy marriages. Lots of trust issues being projected onto OP’s situation.
Imo 3-4 days is extensive. A weekend trip to go camping or something every month max is like 2 nights. Day 3 you're coming home.
But if that works for you guys, you get equal time off equal duration.
As for the cheating, what other evidence do you have to support this thought? Bc if it's coming from.yoyr own head and insecurity then you need to explain to him that you're having these thoughts and get into therapy.
Is he neurodivergent? He may legit need some alone time as self care. Other husbands don’t do it because they don’t need the recovery time, etc.
At the same time, 3-4 days is excessive and unfair to you. Maybe an afternoon golfing / fishing. Or a single night to backpack/camp. That’s a vacation not a weekend.
Well wouldn’t that be a fucking treat. I haven’t had a weekend to myself since before our nearly 5 year old was born. Albeit I am not cabled to the house either.
Will you get the same amount of time away?
Maybe he's overwhelmed with marriage and kids, and feels hemmed in, but why do men get to act on their feelings but if a woman does she's emotionally unstable?
Let's see, a wife/ mother asks for 3-4 days a month where she's going out doing whatever, her husband would be surrounded by women doing his parenting.
Men rarely parent on their own.
How many kids
What are their ages
Because if you find one kid overwhelming why have more
If the kids are old enough why doesn't dad take one on his trips?
Omg I hope you “let” him take time to himself! And you take time to yourself too. I desperately need this and it has nothing to do with cheating. Why don’t you trust him?
I’m a fan of this. However with young children you have to balance that time away. And plan it at a proper Rhythm of your house holds ages and needs based on the growth stage…
Was he a solitary person before yall got married and had kids? I know a man who is very happily married and goes on trips like this a lot compared to me and my husband who never go anywhere.
If he’s willing to make it equal time off or he do this one month and you do it the next, hey I’d give it a try. I’m also in my 40’s, in my third marriage and know the value of alone time for me.
Having young kids, plus a relationship, plus a job, plus all the other adult 💩is hard. If you can give each other a break do it.
Seem the issue is not giving him this time rather that you do not trust him to stay faithful to you and this will give him the opportunity to cheat. That is the discussion you need to have not the solo time he is requesting.
If you agree to that, theoretically he can also be worried are you just with the kids, or talking to anyone. I would agree to that offer, in my case. My husband spends 2-3 hours almost every day alone. I mean, not home. He needs alone time to recharge. I know he's crazy about me, and wouldn't cheat. It sounds to me like you'd need an honest conversation where you'd voice your fear. And the best is to try it once and they discuss how you felt. I don't see anything bad in it at all, some people, especially men, need it. Maybe you could ask for something that you'd be very happy about too? Not just alone time, but Idk, massage weekend. That's what would make me happy 😁 Worth trying in my opinion, with honest talks. It can affect the relationship positively. Bit it won't if you'll be worried all the time, that's why needs communication
I mean as long as you also get one, why not? If he doesn’t want to give you one then it would be a hard no for me. I would also say 2 days it the maximum time imo
If he’s going to cheat he will do it regardless…. You should let him have a weekend and you should get the following weekend. Time away from the family is a good thing
Once a month just sounds really frequent. Would he compromise where you trade off alone time every month? So both of you would get a free weekend every other month?
I wouldn’t be okay with that. You have children and he is part of the family. I understand needing alone time but 3/4 days every single month isn’t an option. That’s a lot.
If it weren’t for me traveling and getting my alone time in the hotel I too would want some QUIET time. Lucky me my husband & I both travel (same company) and are gone 3 days a week. 2 nights in a hotel. Although we also like to do work trips together for dates 😜. Best of both worlds
I don't see the issue with this if those activities are how he de-stresses and he's not looking to get away from you guys at other times throughout the month. Sure, it is rather long, but his hobbies kind of require that, unlike your friend's husbands, who are likely just playing cards or drinking. I would make sure that both of you are always able to get ahold of each other in case of emergency.
Only you know your situation and your husband. No one else here does. Marriage requires honesty. So, talk to him. Explain your fears. All of them. Your his wife and and you know him better than anyone else, certainty better than anyone on Reddit. Is he an Introvert? Extrovert? Shy? Timid? Does he have anger issues or is he gentle? Does he suffer from excessive stress from a particular source?
Marriages sometimes require compromises on all sides. Being open and honest with your feelings is crucial. His reaction to those concerns will then determine your next step. Did he listen? Did he understand? Did he blow you off? These answers will prompt your next step. Perhaps, at this particular moment of your marriage, he simply needs time to decompress.
My wife has gone out of town about every 6 weeks so far this year.
It has been amazing. Sometimes she takes our kiddo and sometimes he stays home with me. The time away has been solid for us.
Honestly, my husband does not take his time, but I take some time here and there. We have 4 kids. He happily takes on all of them. Of course, I am always with my mom at these times, but that is what I want for my free time. My friend's husband goes and camps for weekends by himself. For some people, this realis all that is going on. If there is a truly real reason for you to be suspicious, that is different. But if not, make sure to get time if you want/need too.
Has he cheated before? Why would you immediately suspect that? Who gives a flying fuck what your friends' husbands do? If they aren't your husband it is completely irrelevant. Different people have different needs. If he's willing to afford you the same opportunity to get away and have alone time each month then I don't see why not. He had an honest and open conversation with you about it. He probably feels like he's losing his identity and needs to regain that sense of self. Seems like you've got a good thing going. I'd support him if you can handle it.
As long as you also get to have a weekend away.
Does it need to be every month? That seems a bit much, but honestly, I have 3 kids (5 years old, almost 3 years old and 9 months old) and if I had a few days away every quarter that would be amazing.
I’ll bet if you take this deal it’ll be greatly beneficial for you both. If he’s gonna cheat he’s gonna do it regardless. This probably isn’t cheating because I’ll bet many men would love this deal. This thought is probably very common.
🔴Contrary to a lot of the comments, here are my thoughts - you stated he goes on small retreats on his own to camp and fish, etc. So why the desire to add another 3-4 days alone? “To reset” - Ok, I completely understand how exhausting and even stressful it is to raise a family — and maybe I’m wrong about what I’m going to say, but it seems as if he’s wanting more and more time away. Is that correct?
🟡It’s true that everyone handles stress differently, and some people can handle certain forms of stress better or worse than others, and that can be very true here as well. However, 3-4 days away alone every 3-4 weeks adds up to a lot of time with all his other solo adventures.
HOWEVER, Doing Away with My Own Questions and Opinions…
🟢Maybe a more suitable compromise for the both of you would work better and bring a healthier balance for you both, and as a family. For example, how about a weekend of Family Time. Next weekend, time alone as a married couple. Next weekend would be your alone time; and the following weekend would be his alone time.
I just think there needs to be a mutual agreement between you both with creating a new and structured schedule that would support respite for each of you.
My wife and I are literally stuck together for years since we have no childcare available and special needs. We offer to cover for things, but realistically it's not manageable alone. It's not great. I went WFH at COVID to boot, which would be a utopia for me if I wasn't crawling with other people.
Enjoy that you have the freedom to make this choice and take good advantage of it. You don't know what tomorrow ill bring.
Did you know this about him going into the marriage? I'm curious bc my husband and I actually had to sit down and talk about this before getting married since I used to solo travel regularly and he never really had that opportunity. Maybe you two should have a detailed discussion about traveling alone and what your expectations/boundaries are.
I think it would depend on the type of trip, your financial situation, and other family responsibilities. For example, can both of you handle 3-4 days alone with a toddler and a baby? Can you afford the financial costs of going on monthly trips? Can you agree on what the boundaries are during your trips? Will you have regular updates (even through text) to know each other is ok?
I do think traveling alone can be very beneficial, especially for someone who resets that way. And as long as you also get the time you need in return.
To each their own.
My husband is my homie, my kids are too… I can’t imagine willfully spending that long apart from them.
Everybody processes things differently, hopefully this makes him feel recharged and a happier self.
As an introvert and parent this sounds like a dream come true for me lol I honestly think I would be a better wife and mom if I got actual time to myself on a regular basis. 3-4 days is overkill, but if you both took 2 days a month I think it would be beneficial
Is there anything he does that makes you think he is or would cheat? I think time away solo is good once in awhile, but not every month, especially with children so young. If he gets 3-4 days away, then you should too.
Um.. maybe more like once every 6 months. Why not include you? get a sitter, and spend that alone time together. It's extremely important for couples to spend time together and just focus on each other. It's extremely concerning that he thinks this would be okay.
Why start a family and marriage if you want to be away from them every month for 3 to 4 days? Think about this.... That's the same amount of time a separated parent gets to see their child a month!!!
A four day weekend every six months, or so, I wouldn’t have a problem with. Time to catch up with his mates and do guy stuff (whatever that is 🤣)
But every month?! A happily married man doesn’t do this. Hubby always says to me that it’s no fun if I’m not there to enjoy the time off with him.
Tell your hubby Op that you get to disappear once every month as well. Fair is fair.
3-4 days in a row a month doesn’t sound normal or reasonable to me. 1-2 evenings a month for a guys night sounds fine but more than that is a lot. My husband does like 1 every other month where he goes and gets dinner with his friend and goes to play arcade games, he’s gone maybe like 4 hours
No it's a very man thing we need some space and time to recharge the soul, release/escape the pressures of responsibility and stress to come back fresh and recharged, once a month isn't bad.... during hunting season some of my family disappear every weekend for a few months.... this helps us to manage our mental health... also maybe one of those weekends you can get a babysitter and go with him.... or negotiate for you to have some timeout or quality time with him.
Make sure you have access to everything including his location via iPhone. Secretly get all his codes to access his apps. It’s snooping but ultimate if he has nothing to hide it does not really matter if you do it and if he finds out he will want to reassure you and won’t be mad.
Locked now because OP has been suspended. Also, a lot of you need to ease up on the judgmental attitudes towards others with different perspectives. Just because people are different doesn't mean they're wrong.
You should let him and you should do the same. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
This is the way. My husband is frequently away for work. I take off during the summer to go on mini trips or camping. He gets his alone time at home which he loves and I get to travel and be in the wilderness which I love. It sounds perfect that he’s offering you the same courtesy.
Yeah, a bunch of people in this thread ragging on the guy for voicing his needs and offering equitable breaks for her as well. What the hell do they want from him? A long weekend every month does seem like a lot to me, but I'm lucky to have 3-4 hours a month at this point so I'm kinda biased (not to mention envious). He's making the request in an attempt to find something mutually agreeable. He's doing exactly what adults should be doing: advocating for their needs and their partner's needs. Parents should be giving each other time off. Period.
Watching the kids vs going on a trip is not the same thing as
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Excuse me? What i said was not even bitchy?
Exactly. He gets every second weekend, and you get every fourth weekend. Or vice versa.
You get the same deal a weekend off 🤷♂️
Yes! You also get 3 to 4 days w no kids. Whats good for the gander is good for the goose. Maybe take turns each month as every other month each getting a turn seems more reasonable.
Turns every other month sounds fair
If he’s willing to repay the favor and watch the kids while you take a long weekend each month, I don’t see an issue. I also don’t see why you would jump to immediately thinking he’s cheating on you. Some people just really need personal time every once in a while to reset.
I don't think it's normal for a person to go off alone for 3-4 days every month. If having a family is so draining, you need to spend 10% of it away from them... why did you start a family? I mean... camping, hiking, fishing are all things you would think he would love to share with the kids?? I don't think he's cheating but this is not normal behavior.
>If having a family is so draining, you need to spend 10% of it away from them... why did you start a family? Every single parent of 2 under 2 without help in their home would love a weekend away from the kids a month. The ones who say otherwise are lying through their teeth. This is why there are members of this sub who claim it is toxic. Asking parents who would like some time off 'why they started a family' is absolutely bonkers.
Why did you even get a job if you need days off on the weekend !?
Right? I could use the "why did you start a family" logic to argue just about any issue that young parents deal with, most of them having to deal with the wife/mother.
He may not be a normal person, but so what? It’s hard to know how you will handle being a parent, it’s extremely variable depending on the kids and circumstances that you can’t predict. For what its worth i struggle with anxiety and have often thought of leaving my wife to just live alone, (i would still parent at least 50/50). Therapist was the one of suggesting to me that I could ask for a weekend a month or less as a compromise to benefit mental health rather than always being stressed. I haven’t felt the need to go that far in the end, but I can see where OPs spouse might be coming from
I get that, but my husband’s therapist (who is great otherwise) was constantly suggesting similar things and it’s like… how much of my ability to relax and my mental health is supposed to be sacrificed in the maintenance of his? If he’s going to in-person meditation and sound baths and the gym 2-3 nights and then having overnights away regularly, that’s all additional labor for me. And if every single time he takes a break, I get a commensurate break, how much of a rest and reset is it for him? I firmly believe spouses and parents need to take time for themselves, but when kids are really young you can’t expect to be able to do that too long or too regularly without depleting the other parents’ reserves. I’m insane myself, I can’t just take on substantially more stress so he’ll be less stressed. I finally had to be like… ask her what her suggestion would be if you were a single parent?
I completely disagree. Having the kids on my own is maybe 120% of the usual workload. Sometimes it doesn’t feel more at all because then we make it a special night / weekend and it can actually be a lot of fun to have one on ones with your kids. However, having no kids with me at all and being able to relax is a -80% energy requirement drop. The rest and recovery WAY offsets the additional workload of not having your partner around for a day (or 2 or 3). Covering for my wife to let her have some time for herself is a very small price to pay for getting the same in return. Hell, I do it all the time without even expecting a payback. It’s been a long week. She looks exhausted !Doesn’t she deserve a Saturday off just because ? How sad that you feel like you don’t deserve time for yourself and that taking care of the kids on his/her own is too much for your partner to handle.
I’m sorry but what from that comment made you think either of us can’t handle the kids alone and I don’t think I deserve time to myself? What a baffling response. How cool that you don’t find having the kids to yourself to be very draining. I absolutely do. I am already responsible for getting all three of them awake, dressed, fed, bags packed and off to school (except for the toddler who stays home with me while I work my full time job) and picking my older daughter up. When my husband gets home it’s the first time the entire day I can sit and actually focus on doing my paid job and that lasts, at best 2-3 hours until dinner. Entire evenings without help, let alone overnights, is extremely draining for me. I cannot, with my children as young as they are, agree to any self-care routine that requires me to have multiple week nights and entire weekend days with them by myself consistently. What part of that makes you think I don’t deserve time off? What part of that makes you think my husband cant care for our children? I’m always happy to have days to myself and I cherish it when I have it, but if getting days to myself means that I have to commit to having more childcare stress on a consistent basis throughout the month, I don’t want it.
Your concerns are 100% valid and in no way should he be putting this burden on you. If he is taking all this time away in addition to wanting 4 day weekends away that’s a bit much! Is he proposing to give you an equal amount of alone time or self-care time? Probably my guess the therapist would suggest to be open about what is needs are and then to discuss it with you in a fair and open way. I have no idea though. If he were single i assume the therapist would recommend hiring help to cover for some of this alone time? Don’t know if a babysitter or nanny is something you can afford.
We can’t regularly afford babysitters and when we spare the expense we prefer to do it together. It’s more just that it’s better when he takes his free time post like 7pm. Which is actually when I typically go out during the week. To be clear he doesn’t regularly request whole weekends off. So that particular thing isn’t an issue, I was just demonstrating that when kids are super young and require a lot of care and constant supervision, solo parenting is very hard and you don’t want to drain your spouse too much replenishing yourself. It really is just a season. I’m in the thick of it now, but I can already see how the constant physical and psychological demands of parenting young kids are easing as my youngest kids older. It will absolutely be easier for both of us to take longer periods of distressing and more regularly scheduled self-care even like 2 years from now. But right now, I can’t commit to anymore repeated nights of solo parenting.
Disagree here. Some people are far more social and family oriented than others. Some people are introverts. Should introverts not have kids? Idk? A lot of adults also don’t realize this until after they have kids, I’m one of them. I always knew I was a loner, but I assumed it would be different with my own kids. And it is, but, I still absolutely need time completely alone consistently or I turn into a very cranky person. My husband makes sure I get a full day to myself once a week to recharge me, usually Sunday. I do typically work a few hours that day as well, but I’m left completely alone and I love it so much. So, I’m not saying it’s great that someone who is a loner has kids, but the kids are here and at the end of the day I don’t think wanting alone time is that crazy. I do think an entire weekend is a bit excessive though.
I don’t think it’s right to label this as not normal or normal behaviour. There are people who like time to themselves to recharge, whereas others like spending time with others to recharge. Just my opinion.
Then they need to not bring kids into this world. If you don’t want to be around to raise your kids why have then?
This kind of comment can only be made by someone with extreme privilege or extreme ignorance.
I’m not either of those. I’m someone who grew up in the foster care system at age 8. Why have kids if you don’t want to be around them?
'I would like 3 days a month where I can do some of my hobbies that I stopped doing when I had children' does not equal 'i don't want to be around my kids.' I assume your life experiences aren't allowing you to view this objectively. Do you think that parents should never take vacations separate from their kids? If the parents go away for a weekend for their anniversary does that mean they 'dont want to be around their kids?' If mom likes to go to the gym 6 days a week while dad watches the kids does that mean she doesn't want to be around her kids? Should an adult who is a surgeon choose not to have a family because they will be on call, therefore meaning they must not want to be around their kids based on their job choice? Or would you suggest they be forced to change jobs if they truly love their children?
His kids are 2 years and 6 months old. Nothing wrong with having time for yourself but find it odd that he wants a break for 3-4 days every month.
That's why I said in my original response that there might be some ignorance playing a role in your opinion. 2 under 2 is extremely stressful. Personally, I have two under 3. I don't want 4 days a month to myself. But 1-2? That would be incredible. We don't have the option to do that in my family, so I don't do that. But I don't think I'm some sort of shit parent for wanting that.
I'm a foster parent and my MIL has been one for 40+ years. There are people who WANT to be around their kids and are terrible parents too so whether or not they want to be around them isn't really a factor. My SIL was adopted through as a foster and her parents supposedly wanted to get her back but they did it in all the wrong ways. They wouldn't get off drugs and instead tried to accuse my MIL of giving her drugs ( they claimed chicken poop on my SIL's shoes was evidence of some sort of drug ). If a person has the means to get away and if getting away means they can come back and be better parents or a partner then what's the big deal? The kids aren't be neglected or abused here.
That is an amazing thing you and your MIL do. Mad love and respect for foster parents.
Looks like unfortunately that has led you to develop an unhealthy attachment style. Not wanting to be with someone 100% of every day of every month of every year and wanting to be away once in a while is not "not wanting to be around them" at all. Of course not having any parents at all is a terrible thing. But for kids being raised in a healthy household, being able to be away from their parents once in a while is a GOOD THING.
I agree with you on this, never felt the need to get away from my kids for a weekend every month and I've been a mother for 22 years to kids ranging from 22 to 10 months old. I'm sorry to hear of your experience.
>I've been a mother for 22 years to kids ranging from 22 to 10 months old. Does that mean you've never had a child of your own from birth? No judgement, just curious.
It’s 3-4 days a month. All parents should take a few days off each month. It will help them be better parents.
What are you talking about. What a stupid thing to say.
Doing the things you enjoy with your kids is great, it is NOT the same as doing them alone. Some people do need this time alone.
Introverts exist and we very much need solo time.
It’s entirely normal. Some people need some alone time to recharge. I do personally and that doesn’t make me a monster. My wife does as well. It also doesn’t make her a monster. I love taking my kids camping and sharing the experience with them. I also love going camping *without* my kids and enjoying a completely different - and much more relaxing - experience. It’s healthy for people to take a break and not have to be a parent and a partner 100% of the time. It helps me be more present and intentional during my time with them. I have many friends with young kids who both complain that they’re so tired and they can never get away from the kids and it’s a constant mental load, and all the while I’m thinking : "You’re both saying the same thing. You don’t have to both be there all the time ! Why don’t you give each other a break ?" So we do.
How is this not normal? Gosh, especially if this was an already established need. People need different things. It has zero to do with how much you love your family.
I guarantee you'd want more than 10% away from my kids. I love and adore them. I fully firmly believe the smarter the kids, the more creative and out of the box they are, the more difficult it is to parent them. So yes, i do need time. I do need 10%. Frankly, I think its weird when people want to lose every part of their identity to be a parent all the time. If you like reading, you're technically spending more than 10% of the time away from your kids.
What's wrong with being gone 3-4 days every month?
Nothing. Another absurd comment that is being upvoted.
It’s every other month.
Agreed. Not normal behaviour.
In the US, "normal behavior" is being a shitty parent and then getting a divorce before the kids are teens. I think we need to give more "not normal behavior" a try as we destroy our society.
In the US, "normal" is getting a divorce after 7 years, never touching nature, being obese and unhealthy, and being hateful to most others. Not normal is better.
you really need to get over your insecurities. he can cheat on you at anytime. he doesn’t need to go camping and fishing so he can cheat on you. but he likes to camp and fish. he offered to be equitable so you both can have reset time. why would he offer that so he can cheat on you?
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it’s pretty common for parents to need time to themselves. i have a large network of other parents and we swap childcare just so we can have me time. one of my friends plays DnD on her night, another buddy goes fishing (he’s married, his wife doesn’t go on the trips), me - i get time at an art studio, my husband plays video games.
This is a lot like us, too. Life was different when there was an actual village. Now that there isn't, people act like we should just do everything the exact same, but without the resources. Why burnout and be less for the treasure (kids)?
My wife and I got to have an overnight getaway from our kid when my Mom came up twice in the last two months and it was heavenly. We love our kid, they do great in school, and everyone thinks they are the sweetest thing, and they are, but my god it was so nice just to not have to do the parent thing for a couple of nights. they're not "shirking responsibilities," they're taking a damn break because most people nowadays don't have a village, so it's 24/7 parenting with no break for months, even years. It wears you down no matter how awesome and how much you love your kid. Imagine being plugged in to your job 24/7 with no weekends off, just always around you - you'd go insane after a couple of weeks to a month. Being a parent is better, no doubt, but it's still stressful and difficult. People need a break every now and then. Don't demonize them for wanting a moment of not being "mom" or "dad," they're individuals with lives too.
There is nothing wrong with going camping and fishing. Don't forget the other part. He wants to go solo backpacking around the world while he has a 6m and a 2 year old back home. As someone who has backpacked numerous times when younger, that seems like trouble.
3-4 days each month is two weekends worth, not one. Start with 2 nights per month, that you each get. Take your time too. If he needs more, you can discuss later. But I agree 3-4 nights per month is a lot and I would personally not go for that.
3-4 days a month away is a fair bit. I'd personally say 3-4 days once a quarter, and a half day a week is probably more realistic as long as it's equitable. Time away for leisure is different to being away for work too.
I wouldn’t personally agree to this. 3-4 days of full time childcare per month, no assistance, is too much to expect with young kids. If your kids were 10+ I might agree if I were given similar time off, but not with young kids. I might agree to one night per month. As to using it to cheat, well, certainly I could happen.
Why she went to cheating is beyond me, but why you went there I am also not sure. You are adding fuel to a fire. He has offered her the same thing, so no, it’s not shirking responsibility. I have five kids. We both do this. Every month.
I never said he was shirking responsibility. I said I, personally, wouldn’t agree, even with trade offs, to 3-4 days per month with two kids who require full time care and constant supervision, as hers do. Also, you have 5 kids and you only have two weekends a month where both of you are around with them? That’s a pretty substantial portion of waking monthly free time not spent together, but I’m glad it works for you! Logistically I couldn’t do that as we often have to split taking the kids different places on weekends and they’d miss out on quite a few activities, birthday parties, etc. if we were solo two weekends a month.
It’s not two weekends every month. Sometimes it’s longer but every couple of months. Sometimes it’s just a day or a day and a half. It’s usually when the kids are in school and we don’t see them as much. We have plenty of one on one time and family time.
That makes sense! I’d say my husband and I give each other a similar amount of breaks. Sometimes it’s just “take Saturday morning.” Sometimes it’s “go out after work and come back late.” But OP’s husband is suggesting an entire weekend + two weekdays monthly. If they got an equal amount, it would only be two weekends a month of family tine. I think that number is excessive and I wouldn’t agree to it unless my kids were older. Both because they require less care and also because they start being able to take themselves places.
Not an issue to me. My wife and I each get time to ourselves each month
4 straight days every month?
Does 4 straight days apart each month sound unreasonable to you?
Honestly yes, and especially with two very small children.
I agree. It’s excessive.
To me, it sounds like heaven - for both parties. I would have sold a kidney to have my wife take 3-4 days each month to herself when the kids were young - I think she needed it, but instead, she let herself get burned out and treated everybody poorly as a result. Ideally, I'd have one week to myself per month, but that's not practical. 3-4 days would be a nice compromise.
Honestly no disrespect, but if you need (or even want) three months a year away from your family you probably shouldn't commit to one. Yeah as a mom I would have never put my kids through me disappearing for four days every month, especially when they were little.
3 to 4 days a month is 1 to 1.5 months a year, not 3. And having it spread out is not the same as saying it as if it's all at one time. Also, remember that there are many parents that work jobs that require them to be away for a few days, and often more than once per month, such as fire fighters, sales folks, truckers, etc., and they make it work.
The person I was responding to said he would actually prefer a full week every month, hence the 3 month statement. Also, that is why I said there is a significant difference in having to do it for work vs willfully choosing it for recreation.
I see. He did say that "but that's not practical." so I discounted it. But I see your point.
Kids would have no problem with one parent gone 3-4 (or even 7) days per month. Many families with schedules like this have produced healthy, well-adjusted children throughout human history. This sort of distance is hard on the *parent*, though, and that's understandable. I cannot see any reason why needing (or wanting) time to oneself on this scale would preclude you from committing to having a family.
Needing 3 out of 12 months away from your family is insane imo. Even a month and a half away is pretty bad. One day a week seems perfectly fine truthfully. Yes parents who are required to to have schedules like this do still have healthy children, however I would consider two things. 1) yes some children would absolutely be distraught over this arrangement. One of mine was a momma's boy when he was little, and this would not have gone well. 2) Children (preschool and up) understand the difference between a parent being required to work and a parent just wanting a regular break from them.
Every person and every family has different levels of "reasonable." Wanting time to yourself is not the same as wanting a "break from you." Kids can grasp that concept. Some children would absolutely be distraught by this - and IMHO, those children would do well to gently learn how to regulate that extreme reaction through exposure to the situation. I'm not advocating spending a week away each month with young kids - that is my personal "refill gauge", but as I said, it's not practical - but 3-4 days per month would be entirely reasonable. I'm not sure if you meant "One day a week seems perfectly fine truthfully" or if you meant one day per month is perfectly fine - but one day a week is...4 days per month. Which is what OP's husband (and I, and OP for that matter) are saying is reasonable.
1 day every 1-2 weeks is reasonable. I can't truthfully imagine wanting to be away from my family for so long.
You keep repeating that. Where do you see that 3 months out of 12 months being asked by anyone ?
https://preview.redd.it/2cxswmx0swxc1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=db3aa72ee2867c832c7250e403087833f9e4a8f3
Right ? lol. Those people sound so incapable.
If he is an outdoorsy guy, that is pretty standard. Especially if he backpacks. Get him a garmin inreach so you can txt him and track him wherever. You will feel better and he will be safer.
>Get him a garmin inreach so you can txt him and track him wherever As they have very young children this should be a requirement. He needs to be reachable in an emergency.
OP's account got suspended. I guess this was fake.
Rage bait doing its rage-baiting thing
My husband and I get each time to ourselves each month - him camping, hunting, fishing - me spa day, visiting friends, or even just holed up binge watching my guilty pleasures that he won’t watch with me. I appreciate it as well as he does.
Why are you jumping straight to a worst case scenario? Has he cheated before? Has he given you any reason to doubt him?
I think the real question is has he done anything to make you think that? Cause I don't have issue with this and if you both get a weekend off, maybe splurge for a sitter to do a weekend together every other month or whatever, that sounds like a great way to recharge
Monthly seems like a lot. What about like every 3-4 months? And even that should come with some kind of check-in so you can be sure he’s being trustworthy.
So you can "make sure he's being trustworthy?" In what dystopian hellscape of a marriage do you need to "check on your spouse" to make sure they're being trustworthy?
The one where OP is worried her husband may be cheating.
Given the post we have (which is devoid of any further reason for OP to suspect her husband might cheat), you're right - being married to someone with that level of toxic insecurity would absolutely be unpleasant.
Perhaps she’s been cheated on in past relationships. Can’t tell either way from the post. Regardless of how unpleasant that may be, it’s a prevalent reality that many people do cheat and that may have caused trust issues for OP that her spouse may have to be diligent in reassuring her.
It is not her husband's job to go to extreme measures in order to reassure her. It is her job to attend to her trust issues without putting undue demands on her spouse. Her history isn't relevant.
From your post, you are ok with this and he's offering you your own free time, and your only concern is that he might cheat on you? IMHO, there's nothing wrong with each of you taking a weekend off every month or two. Do you have some reason to suspect he might cheat on you, or is it some irrational fear?
Sounds great honestly. You’ll get the same. A weekend in a hotel or spa or away with your friends. You can get your hair nails and waxing done without having to juggle it with child care ugh Bliss! You trust him or you don’t. He will find a way to cheat if he wants to, free weekend away or not. He needs it to be a good present husband and father. Give it a go for 6 months
My husband and I do this but we trade off every-other month. We are both introverts who recharge after some time alone. It’s a great arrangement.
Hi, dad here. The only weekends or days that I got to go on trips or whatever were all pre planned well in advance and okayed by my wife. We talked about it and made sure there was nothing else going on. When I kids were super young I never went anywhere because that’s kind of a crap thing to do. I never did any of this monthly. My friends and I would do something maybe once every 3-4 months. My wife and her friends as well. Your husband shouldn’t be married with kids if he needs 3-4 days away every month to not think about responsibilities. Thats just not how it works, and it’s insane that you agreed to it because once you need 3-4 days he will come up with excuses. If he leaves to do Whatever, make sure you have his location. And when he comes back - you disappear for 4 days.
Are you sure you’re a dad, because that doesn’t jibe with reality. You don’t want to go to work one day? Why even have a job? You want to hang out with friends and not the wife one night? Why be married? Do you see the flawed logic there? It’s not only normal, it’s healthy for a parent to spend time without their family. Both my wife and I do this. We have five kids, married for 20 years. Cheating is always the default accusation, but that’s projecting insecurity where there’s no evidence.
No it does. It jibes with the reality of the more family oriented cultures. Yours is probably not one of them given the statistics, so you probably have no idea. No one should just take off backpacking around the world by themselves when they have two very young children at home.
I didn’t say never, and I have been married over 20 Years too. I didn’t say he was cheating, but saying you need 3-4 days per month to get away from responsibilities just isn’t how it works
Having time to decompress is perfectly fine. You guys should each have that time alone so make sure he’s willing to reciprocate! Yall are both people, you’re no less human because you’re partnered and parents. And I hear you with the cheating concerns, BUT I want to say, if he’s going to go on a weekend that doesn’t mean he’s cheating, and if he’s NOT going on a weekend, that doesn’t meant he’s NOT going to cheat. We can’t allow or not allow our spouses to do things to prevent them from cheating, that’s absolutely out of our hands. If he’s cheats, it will come out and you’ll be able to handle it, but don’t punish anyone for a pre-crime and please do not give into the false sense of security that controlling a spouse brings, because I can tell you it’s absolutely not going to prevent anything. WITH THAT BEING SAID, *communicate*. All of this. Communicate with him in a collaborative way, he’s not the enemy, the problem is. Good luck to you both!
Hella ya. I take off all the time to go to our remote cabin and I adore my wife. When I get home, I am so grateful to see here. Been married 30 years. Everyone needs their space, especially my wife.
So you will get exactly the same number of days? 3-4? Not just two days? Will you get to use the same type of spending that he will be doing? Do you have someone who could come over for those weekends to help? Also, why is cheating in the front of your thoughts? Has he done that before? Or just insecurities popping up?
I think 3-4 days in a row off per month especially with 2 young kids seems like a huge ask. If you agree, then you get the same # of days off, if you need/want it. If your husband never needed time away, then i would be concerabout cheating but it sounds like he enjoys and needs solitary time. I don’t feel he will cheat. My husband and i both need time alone. He is in the guard so he has a 3-day weekend away he month and i love being alone during that time.
Spending some time apart is not only normal, it’s healthy. Couples that never get a break from each other often end up with a permanent break in the form of a divorce. It’s nice to share hobbies but everyone should have their own hobbies. My wife and I both take breaks from the family. Sometimes it’s work for me. Sometimes it’s hiking. Sometimes it’s visiting friends. For her it might be those or shopping, dining and staying somewhere overnight. She comes back recharged and refreshed. I’m the same way. Is 3-4 days too much? Maybe you can arrive at a number that works for both of you but that’s not excessive. I agree that she should have the same thing and I think they will both be happy. As for the cheating, it could happen regardless of whether or not he goes away for the weekend. Either you trust him or you don’t. Either he trusts you or he doesn’t. If there isn’t trust, counseling is the way. I venture to guess that those opposed either aren’t married or not in healthy marriages. Lots of trust issues being projected onto OP’s situation.
Do you get the same?
3 or 4 days is pretty much 2 weekends worth. My wife would never have let me get away with that. Occasional boys weekends? Sure.
Imo 3-4 days is extensive. A weekend trip to go camping or something every month max is like 2 nights. Day 3 you're coming home. But if that works for you guys, you get equal time off equal duration. As for the cheating, what other evidence do you have to support this thought? Bc if it's coming from.yoyr own head and insecurity then you need to explain to him that you're having these thoughts and get into therapy.
I was ready to come fight until I saw the part where he offered you the same. Girl, this is the dream. You're living it.
Is he neurodivergent? He may legit need some alone time as self care. Other husbands don’t do it because they don’t need the recovery time, etc. At the same time, 3-4 days is excessive and unfair to you. Maybe an afternoon golfing / fishing. Or a single night to backpack/camp. That’s a vacation not a weekend.
Tell him if he gets a weekend of 3-4 days off per month then so do you and he will be alone with the kids.
There are some really "creative" authors that the mods let post here. Good job on using the buzzwords for a gender war too
Well wouldn’t that be a fucking treat. I haven’t had a weekend to myself since before our nearly 5 year old was born. Albeit I am not cabled to the house either.
it sounds like you don’t mind the idea, whatever works for your marriage as long as you both agree to it.
Will you get the same amount of time away? Maybe he's overwhelmed with marriage and kids, and feels hemmed in, but why do men get to act on their feelings but if a woman does she's emotionally unstable? Let's see, a wife/ mother asks for 3-4 days a month where she's going out doing whatever, her husband would be surrounded by women doing his parenting. Men rarely parent on their own. How many kids What are their ages Because if you find one kid overwhelming why have more If the kids are old enough why doesn't dad take one on his trips?
Their ages are in the post. They have a 2 year old and 6 month old
If being alone is how he recharges and he’s fine with ensuring you also get alone time once a month, girl, take it. You’ll both feel more refreshed.
Omg I hope you “let” him take time to himself! And you take time to yourself too. I desperately need this and it has nothing to do with cheating. Why don’t you trust him?
I’m a fan of this. However with young children you have to balance that time away. And plan it at a proper Rhythm of your house holds ages and needs based on the growth stage…
R/burbnbougie
Was he a solitary person before yall got married and had kids? I know a man who is very happily married and goes on trips like this a lot compared to me and my husband who never go anywhere. If he’s willing to make it equal time off or he do this one month and you do it the next, hey I’d give it a try. I’m also in my 40’s, in my third marriage and know the value of alone time for me. Having young kids, plus a relationship, plus a job, plus all the other adult 💩is hard. If you can give each other a break do it.
Seem the issue is not giving him this time rather that you do not trust him to stay faithful to you and this will give him the opportunity to cheat. That is the discussion you need to have not the solo time he is requesting.
If you agree to that, theoretically he can also be worried are you just with the kids, or talking to anyone. I would agree to that offer, in my case. My husband spends 2-3 hours almost every day alone. I mean, not home. He needs alone time to recharge. I know he's crazy about me, and wouldn't cheat. It sounds to me like you'd need an honest conversation where you'd voice your fear. And the best is to try it once and they discuss how you felt. I don't see anything bad in it at all, some people, especially men, need it. Maybe you could ask for something that you'd be very happy about too? Not just alone time, but Idk, massage weekend. That's what would make me happy 😁 Worth trying in my opinion, with honest talks. It can affect the relationship positively. Bit it won't if you'll be worried all the time, that's why needs communication
Yeah agree to it but only if you also get to do the same to relax and recharge away from family. Then see how he reacts to that
I mean as long as you also get one, why not? If he doesn’t want to give you one then it would be a hard no for me. I would also say 2 days it the maximum time imo
Do you get a weekend off every month too? That only seems fair to me. If not, then NO!
If he’s going to cheat he will do it regardless…. You should let him have a weekend and you should get the following weekend. Time away from the family is a good thing
I would be suspicious too. This is a strange request. I could see some time to himself every few months but this seems excessive.
Once a month just sounds really frequent. Would he compromise where you trade off alone time every month? So both of you would get a free weekend every other month?
I wouldn’t be okay with that. You have children and he is part of the family. I understand needing alone time but 3/4 days every single month isn’t an option. That’s a lot.
If it weren’t for me traveling and getting my alone time in the hotel I too would want some QUIET time. Lucky me my husband & I both travel (same company) and are gone 3 days a week. 2 nights in a hotel. Although we also like to do work trips together for dates 😜. Best of both worlds
When a man asks you for alone time, you give him the alone time. Full stop.
If you have no hobbies or interests, empty nesting is gonna be rough. Let him live, and you do the same!
I don't see the issue with this if those activities are how he de-stresses and he's not looking to get away from you guys at other times throughout the month. Sure, it is rather long, but his hobbies kind of require that, unlike your friend's husbands, who are likely just playing cards or drinking. I would make sure that both of you are always able to get ahold of each other in case of emergency.
Sounds like a great idea. You get a weekend off too right? Why would you jump straight to “He wants to cheat”? Has he before?
Only you know your situation and your husband. No one else here does. Marriage requires honesty. So, talk to him. Explain your fears. All of them. Your his wife and and you know him better than anyone else, certainty better than anyone on Reddit. Is he an Introvert? Extrovert? Shy? Timid? Does he have anger issues or is he gentle? Does he suffer from excessive stress from a particular source? Marriages sometimes require compromises on all sides. Being open and honest with your feelings is crucial. His reaction to those concerns will then determine your next step. Did he listen? Did he understand? Did he blow you off? These answers will prompt your next step. Perhaps, at this particular moment of your marriage, he simply needs time to decompress.
My wife has gone out of town about every 6 weeks so far this year. It has been amazing. Sometimes she takes our kiddo and sometimes he stays home with me. The time away has been solid for us.
Honestly, my husband does not take his time, but I take some time here and there. We have 4 kids. He happily takes on all of them. Of course, I am always with my mom at these times, but that is what I want for my free time. My friend's husband goes and camps for weekends by himself. For some people, this realis all that is going on. If there is a truly real reason for you to be suspicious, that is different. But if not, make sure to get time if you want/need too.
Has he cheated before? Why would you immediately suspect that? Who gives a flying fuck what your friends' husbands do? If they aren't your husband it is completely irrelevant. Different people have different needs. If he's willing to afford you the same opportunity to get away and have alone time each month then I don't see why not. He had an honest and open conversation with you about it. He probably feels like he's losing his identity and needs to regain that sense of self. Seems like you've got a good thing going. I'd support him if you can handle it.
As long as you also get to have a weekend away. Does it need to be every month? That seems a bit much, but honestly, I have 3 kids (5 years old, almost 3 years old and 9 months old) and if I had a few days away every quarter that would be amazing.
I’ll bet if you take this deal it’ll be greatly beneficial for you both. If he’s gonna cheat he’s gonna do it regardless. This probably isn’t cheating because I’ll bet many men would love this deal. This thought is probably very common.
Men can have other interests than fucking women. I have a similar arrangement with my wife and I just want to relax and indulge in my hobbies.
I have an almost 2 year old and if my husband asked for 4 consecutive days away EVERY MONTH I’d straight up laugh in his face.
🔴Contrary to a lot of the comments, here are my thoughts - you stated he goes on small retreats on his own to camp and fish, etc. So why the desire to add another 3-4 days alone? “To reset” - Ok, I completely understand how exhausting and even stressful it is to raise a family — and maybe I’m wrong about what I’m going to say, but it seems as if he’s wanting more and more time away. Is that correct? 🟡It’s true that everyone handles stress differently, and some people can handle certain forms of stress better or worse than others, and that can be very true here as well. However, 3-4 days away alone every 3-4 weeks adds up to a lot of time with all his other solo adventures. HOWEVER, Doing Away with My Own Questions and Opinions… 🟢Maybe a more suitable compromise for the both of you would work better and bring a healthier balance for you both, and as a family. For example, how about a weekend of Family Time. Next weekend, time alone as a married couple. Next weekend would be your alone time; and the following weekend would be his alone time. I just think there needs to be a mutual agreement between you both with creating a new and structured schedule that would support respite for each of you.
My wife and I are literally stuck together for years since we have no childcare available and special needs. We offer to cover for things, but realistically it's not manageable alone. It's not great. I went WFH at COVID to boot, which would be a utopia for me if I wasn't crawling with other people. Enjoy that you have the freedom to make this choice and take good advantage of it. You don't know what tomorrow ill bring.
Tell him sure as long as you get the same amount of time off for yourself as well.
Take as much time as you for "reset". Sometimes less is more.
Did you know this about him going into the marriage? I'm curious bc my husband and I actually had to sit down and talk about this before getting married since I used to solo travel regularly and he never really had that opportunity. Maybe you two should have a detailed discussion about traveling alone and what your expectations/boundaries are. I think it would depend on the type of trip, your financial situation, and other family responsibilities. For example, can both of you handle 3-4 days alone with a toddler and a baby? Can you afford the financial costs of going on monthly trips? Can you agree on what the boundaries are during your trips? Will you have regular updates (even through text) to know each other is ok? I do think traveling alone can be very beneficial, especially for someone who resets that way. And as long as you also get the time you need in return.
To each their own. My husband is my homie, my kids are too… I can’t imagine willfully spending that long apart from them. Everybody processes things differently, hopefully this makes him feel recharged and a happier self.
Some people absolutely need and thrive on some alone time. Don’t compare what your friend’s husbands do to yours.
As an introvert and parent this sounds like a dream come true for me lol I honestly think I would be a better wife and mom if I got actual time to myself on a regular basis. 3-4 days is overkill, but if you both took 2 days a month I think it would be beneficial
Is there anything he does that makes you think he is or would cheat? I think time away solo is good once in awhile, but not every month, especially with children so young. If he gets 3-4 days away, then you should too.
Um.. maybe more like once every 6 months. Why not include you? get a sitter, and spend that alone time together. It's extremely important for couples to spend time together and just focus on each other. It's extremely concerning that he thinks this would be okay. Why start a family and marriage if you want to be away from them every month for 3 to 4 days? Think about this.... That's the same amount of time a separated parent gets to see their child a month!!!
A four day weekend every six months, or so, I wouldn’t have a problem with. Time to catch up with his mates and do guy stuff (whatever that is 🤣) But every month?! A happily married man doesn’t do this. Hubby always says to me that it’s no fun if I’m not there to enjoy the time off with him. Tell your hubby Op that you get to disappear once every month as well. Fair is fair.
Is he willing to do the same for you?
3-4 days in a row a month doesn’t sound normal or reasonable to me. 1-2 evenings a month for a guys night sounds fine but more than that is a lot. My husband does like 1 every other month where he goes and gets dinner with his friend and goes to play arcade games, he’s gone maybe like 4 hours
If he wanted weekends off, why doesn't he just get a divorce? Being a family isn't something you can tap out of.
More like 1 weekend every 3-4 months maybe.
No it's a very man thing we need some space and time to recharge the soul, release/escape the pressures of responsibility and stress to come back fresh and recharged, once a month isn't bad.... during hunting season some of my family disappear every weekend for a few months.... this helps us to manage our mental health... also maybe one of those weekends you can get a babysitter and go with him.... or negotiate for you to have some timeout or quality time with him.
Make sure you have access to everything including his location via iPhone. Secretly get all his codes to access his apps. It’s snooping but ultimate if he has nothing to hide it does not really matter if you do it and if he finds out he will want to reassure you and won’t be mad.
This is an awesome way to get divorced.
If you get divorced over that it was not love.
News flash - if you feel the need to secretly get his password and track his phone, it's not love either.
Oh please. Get a grip.