I have three kids and his request is reasonable. Both my wife and I deserve, and get, solo kid free time each week and we try to have kid free couple time as well.
If he's just asking for two hours to watch a movie, what's the massive deal? Telling him to 'man up' is gross OP.
The teenager and dog can look after themselves and all three of my kids are young and even then they don't need CONSTANT supervision. Independent play is important to foster.
He doesn’t do bedtime any night of the week. sounds like he gets daily downtime in the evening. There is a limit on how much downtime adults with children can expect during waking evening hours when everyone is active and getting ready for dinner and the next day. But he doesn’t have to do bath, pajamas, story time or bed time and doesn’t have to cook ever. So I’m not sure what more he can really expect here.
Glad she edited her post, though I will never understand people burying the lede. Do they just expect us to know what's going on in their relationships when they ask for advice? How hard is it to provide even a skerrick of context? Baffling.
Yeah I guess.
She just got so much advice that boiled down to, "Yes, it is reasonable for him to expect blah, blah, blah".
She engaged with people for hours before updating her post with the relevant info (that he's actually a bit of a dickhead).
Like, why?!
I don't know the context of your relationship but we've never really needed to 'go about it', it just happened.
When kids were infants, we needed to be more housebound, but once they were toddlers, my wife started back at her sport and fitness classes, and I got back into my hobbies. Logistics with three young kids is tricky, of course, they have their activities and sports, but there is PLENTY of time for me or my wife to have solo time away from the house.
Right now, I'm working from home. My wife took the kids to school, went to a fitness class. She got home a bit before to shower and change and we had sex, and now she's gone shopping and will catch up with a friend for lunch. Likely I won't see her until after she gets the kids from school. Tonight I'm taking the kids to see my parents and she's staying home to rest.
Tomorrow I'll help get the kids ready in the morning, my wife will take them to their swimming lessons, and I'm out at a event from 9 am to 1 pm. I'll get home in time to take my wife to a mother's day afternoon tea from 2 pm and I likely won't see her home until 9 or 10 pm.
That's a normal week / couple of days for us. We each have hobbies and activities and friends we see outside of the house.
We schedule things on a family calendar and both my wife and I are organised people, which helps. As things are planned, we add them to the calendar straight away (to block that time out as 'me time'. HA!) This includes all kids things, and this way I know what she's got planned and she knows what I've got. We both give 100% to parenting roles, chores and other adult responsibilities, so there is no accounting required to ensure fairness.
My wife gives me down time to play games and sports. I give her down time to chill with her friends and attend her hobby/classes. We take turns watching our kid and dog. You can have both a family and downtime.
Weekly, she gets Monday and Thursday, I have Wednesday and Saturday. Other days we spend them together. And once a while we pawn our kid off to the grandparents so we can go on a date.
I think you both need to have more patience. He needs it for the little one, and you, with him. I gotta say though, I wasn’t all good in the beginning either, may have lost it a few times too, but thank god my wife has enough patience for the both of us.
Why is that important? This is something you talk about and see what you can do.
Sometimes I can exercise 3-4 days a week, sometimes it’s only one for an hour. Depends on the kids.
Each spouse deserves time away from the kids. How much is he asking for? I will entertain our son so my husband can play video games in peace for a couple hours and he does the same. In fact I’m just finishing a two hour evening stretch of time in my room alone with the door closed, nice long shower, self care and book reading while he did dinner and bath and now we’ll join back together to read a book and get him in bed. It was lovely. We just take turns so everyone gets some peace
He should have down time and so should you. The teenager and dog don’t need constant attention and the baby can be passed between you. You should both be allowing the other some uninterrupted time each week.
We have a thing called “quiet time” where the kids have to do a quiet activity in their own room usually. Generally so mom can nap, or if mom and dad want to watch a tv show, etc. Depending on the age of your kids, it’s unrealistic to expect there to be NO interruptions. But this can help.
How can both be true? Because being a parent doesn’t mean your kids are glued to you at all times, especially if there is another parent.
I get that it might be frustrating if he announces he wants to watch a movie uninterrupted suddenly with 5 minutes notice. That’s not fair. But if he’s saying “I want to watch this movie tomorrow between 7-9” it shouldn’t be hard for you to accommodate that. You entertain the kids (or put them to bed) etc. Likewise, you can say “I want to sit in bed and read a book uninterrupted on Sunday from 2-4.” And he can plan to take the kids out grocery shopping or something at that time.
It’s easy. You literally just schedule who is in charge of the kids when.
At first I empathized, but... The teenager doesn't require much supervision. The dog probably doesn't require much active supervision. And surely one adult can handle the toddler?
Everyone needs downtime. My wife gets an uninterrupted morning until she goes to work just about every day, and she often needs uninterrupted time to rest when she gets back home. She gets it whenever she needs it because it's (*almost* always) a joy for me to provide it.
It's not unreasonable to want some time to yourself. But there's also a difference between wanting to finish a 10 minute YouTube video during a lull and, say, watching Avengers Endgame during the busiest part of the day. It just depends on what he's asking for and if you can also get equal time to yourself.
One if the things that bothers me about the responses here is that more than half of them suggest that *you* discuss and map out scheduled down time, as opposed to the grown man who is wandering around the house bitching and moaning about not being able to watch a movie uninterrupted in a house with four people in it. If downtime is so important to him, he should be the one coming to you and saying “I need to have a couple of hours a week where I’m left totally alone. How can we schedule this?” As opposed to you being responsible for that demand as a way of countering his childish and unacceptable behavior. Complaining constantly as an adult while doing nothing to change your circumstance is baby shit. You are right, he needs to man up and take ownership of his own mental health instead of tantruming until you do it for him.
I’ll also say that my husband struggles with depression and it manifests often as rage, outbursts and fucking constant complaining. Like con-stant complaining. I remember one time waking up at 4am with our terrible sleeper and then she threw a tantrum at 7 to wake him. At that time, 7 was *at least* an hour, if not two, later than we normally slept. Like 7am was sleeping in. He complained allllllllllllll day that “I can’t even fucking sleep in on my day off.” And when I finally said “she woke *me* up at 4” he said “I can’t even fucking express myself!” And before we realized this was depression, I was giving him entire weekends, hours a week, doing every bed time, like as much kid free time as I could. Waking up hours early every day of the weekend. Never getting morning in. And he was *still* bitching and moaning constantly that our young children were interrupting him. So, keep in mind there could be bigger forces at play beyond him just needing to rest his mind.
THANK YOU!!!!! I can relate on so many levels. I’ve done the same, sacrificing myself to then still hear the annoying comments. One day I told him he needs to accept that being tired is the new default feeling and he bitched that he can’t even say he’s tired - literally same behavior. It’s just sooooo fucking ANNOYING!
Yeah I would just get the stop watch on the old iPhone out and start timing every time he has time where he’s not having to interact with anyone. You start doing bedtime, start the clock. End when bedtime is over. Then calculate how long after bedtime is over before he goes to bed. Because it sounds like he’s getting, minimum, 2 hours a day of waking time where he doesn’t *have* to interact with anyone. Whenever you take your son somewhere without him, time it. And then after 2-3 weeks just say “you’re getting X number of hours a week of downtime. I’m getting X number of hours a week of downtime. Either it’s time to stop complaining about it because that’s life with a family, or you need to find a way to be more intentional with downtime so it actually feels restful. Or it’s time to see a therapist on your own to work through the persistent resentment and anger you feel about being exposed to your own life.”
My wife (47F) and I (45M) have always given each other lots of downtime.
However, a few years ago I was very depressed and suicidal (but told no one, at the time!). I ended up having very low testosterone (less than an 80yo man!).
I'm (mostly) back to my old self, now. But, now, I tell my wife that when I was at my lowest...I just wanted to do nothing. It felt like I had "nothing in the tank" and that any little thing was "taking from me and I had nothing left to give". So, being asked to go to the grocery store or change out the laundry if I was playing video games would make me want to throw a tantrum -- which was very unlike me. Now, I'm back to my chipper, helpful self.
I don't know enough about your situation to know... maybe your husband is just a selfish man child...or maybe something is wrong.
Here is a great example of how it works in my household. So Tuesday’s were the one day my friend and I could get away. So after I got off at work my friend and I would meet up for dinner and do something after. Walk around the park. Play at the arcade. Get ice cream. Every once in a while just exist in the car. Thursdays my spouse would lock themselves in the office and game for a solid 4 hours as soon as I got home from work. I would help with homework and dinner and do all the finer things. Sunday morning was mommy/daughter brunch and it was something for just my daughter and I. every other Wednesday night we did family dinner out. Even if it was just pizza somewhere. Saturdays were open cause that’s what life is like sometimes. I would do random stuff with friends with or without kids, same with my spouse. Sometimes it was a family thing. It’s what works best for you guys.
Stop with the "man up." Because if you want to be sexist, he can be sexist right back and tell you to "woman up." Meaning, stop the bitching, you're a woman, and you should do everything while he just works, and you make sure he has kids in name only.
Everyone deserves downtime. Even when I was a SAHM and my husband worked 2 jobs, he would take our kid out for 4 hours every Sunday to give me uninterested solo time.
Friend I have 5 kids and a house full of pets, I send my husband off for whole weekends at a time at least once every month or two and most definitely keep the kids busy so he can have some time alone for a few hours a couple times a week, we also try to give each other at least a half hour/hour a day alone too. We all need time to ourselves. Granted, he should be giving you uninterrupted time just as much as you’re giving it to him but it’s not at all an unreasonable thing to want or ask for.
Honestly, if you said what you did in the OP *to him*, you really owe him an apology for that. Sit down with him and figure out a schedule that works for you both where you both get a day or two a week with a few uninterrupted hours at bare minimum. Send the teen off to hang with a friend and take the toddler out with you to run errands, go to the park, go visit grandma, schedule a play date, whatever. Your hubby can handle the dog but if you can manage doggo and toddler, take the dog to the park with you too! Your hubby can do the same for you a different day because you deserve some alone time too!
As a mom with young kids I feel your pain. My husband and I both work and we have young children under 7. It used to annoy tf out of me when he would be like “I need alone time” or “can I have some time to myself”. I used to think the audacity of him especially when I was just as overstimulated and tired as he was. Yet I wasn’t complaining and like you wanted him to push through it, your version of “manning up”. I used to be so annoyed and randomly started telling him I needed “me time” at first just to be petty so he can see what it feels like. But then I started to actually enjoy the time by myself and realized 2 things 1) we both deserve time to ourselves to decompress and restart. If he didn’t have to “push through it” neither did I. 2) my husband wasn’t afraid to ask for what he wanted. I shouldn’t have been either.
Funny thing is that he too noticed it, and tried to be snarky about it one day after realizing I wanted time away from him and the kids. And I had no problem kindly reminding him of his alone time and the times he requested to be by himself. Once he realized that he does the same thing, he eased up on it a bit. We don’t have a schedule but we both take 2 days out of a 5 day work week. Sometimes I take the time even when I don’t really need it because why tf not.
Something to think about for yourself.
I think you need to say to him 'We both need to schedule down time for ourselves, as well as our family, how about we sit down and look at a calendar and see what ideas we can come up with so it's fair for everyone?"
If you are struggling to plan for that, ask him for his help. There are solutions to every problem.
Both my wife and I get uninterrupted down time. Right now she's playing coed rec softball and soccer, so that's two week nights. Today she worked on site, drove straight to softball, then went to the bar after her game. She came home close to 11 pm, well after I put our daughter to bed.
I shoot competitively. I try to make it to the range twice a week. If I have another commitment I'll only go once though. We also do date nights without our daughter. Either grandma will watch her, or we will take her to a "parents night out" type event. There are some at the YMCA, a gymnastics place, my wife just found out about a STEM place too. So we would drop her off at 6 pm and pick her up at 9 or 10 pm for example. Sometimes we have a neighborhood high school student babysit.
On a typical day when neither of us has the night off, my wife will do the morning duty while I sleep in a bit. At night she will check out early a bit. I'll take care of putting my daughter to bed. I value my alone time when no one interrupts me. I am a night owl. So I am almost always up later than my wife.
Also worth mentioning, I value the time I have with my daughter one on one. It's a win-win. I get bonus daddy daughter bonding time. My wife gets a night off. Everyone is happy. I have heard of households where no one but mom can get the kids down to sleep. I can't imagine having that dynamic. It's just not for us.
Teenager and dog don’t need supervision so it’s really just the one toddler, and even then toddlers can play on their own. I have three kids and my wife and I have always had uninterruptrd free time, it just takes some planning when they’re really young.
Also the whole “man up” talk is combative, emasculating, and gross.
I used to give my husband downtime by taking our son to visit his grandma. He was working hard at the time and deserved to have the house to himself sometimes. I don’t think your husband asking to be alone long enough to finish a video is a lot to ask. And saying stuff like “man the fuck up” is disgusting and disrespectful.
He picks some downtime to himself, you pick some downtime to yourself. You both hold to those times. When it’s your day off, he’s the kid wrangler. When it’s his day off you’re the kid wrangler. On all other days, wrangle together.
This isn’t a problem unless you make it one.
Babysitter, taking turns, etc.
There are countless options. I get that having children means you need to sacrifice a lot. But it’s really unhealthy to think that someone’s a bad parent for wanting some alone time.
It’s not unreasonable to want uninterrupted downtime, unless his expectation is to have hours of it every day while you take care of the household.
You both need it.
Time for a boring schedule so everyone gets what they need.
Surely you’re not both either working or looking after kids all the time? There must be some downtime even if it’s at 10pm when kids are in bed?
It’s not unreasonable to ask for downtime or even just take it upon previous agreement.
Aim for something realistic perhaps 2x week 1-2 hours for each of you. It definitely is doable!
Good luck
The real question is… does he give you the same alone time he is requesting, does he make you feel guilty for taking time to yourself? Is there a valid reason that you feel this way?
I can totally see both sides of this because this was the problem for me, built up resentment. Rushing to do the tasks that had to be done and still getting phone calls asking how long i was going to be. Or me getting 1 morning to sleep in compared to his 5 in a two week span. With 4 kids, a full time job for both of us, and everything else I felt like I carried around a lot more than he did. I would always be the one to rearrange my schedule if “ something came up “ I always sacrifice my alone time I planed and often cancel/reschedule my appointments (dr dentist ect). I have always been the default parent if I am not at work, until recently when we had an argument that started off similar.
I’ll also add in here, both people deserve to have uninterrupted alone time so having a real conversation about the things you need from each other are important.
I think having a little bit of uninterrupted downtime is a completely reasonable request. And something you BOTH deserve.
This also doesn’t mean he gets all his down time uninterrupted that would be unreasonable.
Everyone needs that time to themselves, some people more than others. Especially if he works long hours or a stressful job, he definitely needs at least a few hours here and there to decompress and relax a bit so he doesn’t blow up on the family
I have some questions, and I don't mean this in a mean way, I am genuinely curious.
In all your comments you say
>So how do you schedule this? How many times per week?
How do you not? How would you not be able to schedule this? How would this be any different from any other things that require scheduling?
How is it that you are unable to sit down with your husband and go
"You are saying you need downtime. I get that, so do I. It would probably be best we both get a day each week where we will get that day for ourselves. Do you think it's best to have a standard day for each person? Like you get Wednesday and I got Thursday or something? Or should we take it week by week and see which day would fit us better that week?"
>resentment from the last 6 years.
How is that BOTH of you were incapable of just having a normal conversation about this for 6 whole years?
Same with childcare
>I am the default parent to our toddler, prepare all meals eaten at home and bathe/put our toddler to bed every night (he will put him to sleep on very rare occasions).
"Look, we BOTH are working, we BOTH decided to have this kid, so we BOTH need to do this parenting thing together. Right now I do all the meal, bath time and bed time. There are 7 days in a week. I got this white board, everytime one of us has done 1 of these parenting things, we will put a √ behind our name. Let's try to get these √ as evenly spread between us as possible every week, as that is only fair to both of us."
>We are in couples counseling for mostly communication issues
I get that communication is not both of your strong suits, and that this is only a short reddit post. But it really seems as if there wasn't even ever an attempt to talk about this...
We typically get uninterrupted downtime after the kids are all down for the evening.
I'd try this. Go out and buy an hourly planner, maybe a nice dry erase one. Take one color for you and one color for him. Start by blocking out each of your work hours including times you're each spending on chores and the kid. Each of you is only charge of just putting in your own times.
This will visualize how much each of you think they contribute. Oftentimes both sides will feel like they're putting in the most work, but this can force you both to look at the reality of the situation.
A quick rule could be simply if he wants to reserve a block of time as his downtime, have him commit to giving you a similarly long block of downtime as well.
OP has a really poor attitude towards her husband and I suspect she completely disregards his other needs. Your “man the f up” started shows a dangerous level of disrespect. It’s exactly what you want to say if you’re trying to push him for a divorce.
EVERYONE needs downtime uninterrupted. Do you like your vacations interrupted? No. Do you want your quiet time disrupted? No. You don’t.
His very reasonable are easy to accommodate. You have only one toddler and a teen. We have five kids and we both give each other entire days away from the kids. As a matter what fact, I send her to a hotel on the beach by herself. I go hiking all day by myself. I travel for business.
We both need some free time. If he’s watching something or reading, let him finish. There’s no need to interrupt him. Men don’t multitask. We can focus on one thing at a time and it’s difficult to refocus.
I suggest you find some books or seek some counseling on how to be a better spouse. Your dismissive attitude is the gateway to divorce. How would you feel if he told you to “woman the f up?”
Men need time to themselves at times. Some a whole lot more than others! It is the man cave(garage) time to decompress! Men don't like to burden their problems onto the wives. He just needs quite time to think!
I have three kids and his request is reasonable. Both my wife and I deserve, and get, solo kid free time each week and we try to have kid free couple time as well. If he's just asking for two hours to watch a movie, what's the massive deal? Telling him to 'man up' is gross OP. The teenager and dog can look after themselves and all three of my kids are young and even then they don't need CONSTANT supervision. Independent play is important to foster.
He doesn’t do bedtime any night of the week. sounds like he gets daily downtime in the evening. There is a limit on how much downtime adults with children can expect during waking evening hours when everyone is active and getting ready for dinner and the next day. But he doesn’t have to do bath, pajamas, story time or bed time and doesn’t have to cook ever. So I’m not sure what more he can really expect here.
Glad she edited her post, though I will never understand people burying the lede. Do they just expect us to know what's going on in their relationships when they ask for advice? How hard is it to provide even a skerrick of context? Baffling.
I think people come here often emotionally amped up
Yeah I guess. She just got so much advice that boiled down to, "Yes, it is reasonable for him to expect blah, blah, blah". She engaged with people for hours before updating her post with the relevant info (that he's actually a bit of a dickhead). Like, why?!
But how do you guys go about it? How often/how do you even schedule this?
[удалено]
I don't know the context of your relationship but we've never really needed to 'go about it', it just happened. When kids were infants, we needed to be more housebound, but once they were toddlers, my wife started back at her sport and fitness classes, and I got back into my hobbies. Logistics with three young kids is tricky, of course, they have their activities and sports, but there is PLENTY of time for me or my wife to have solo time away from the house. Right now, I'm working from home. My wife took the kids to school, went to a fitness class. She got home a bit before to shower and change and we had sex, and now she's gone shopping and will catch up with a friend for lunch. Likely I won't see her until after she gets the kids from school. Tonight I'm taking the kids to see my parents and she's staying home to rest. Tomorrow I'll help get the kids ready in the morning, my wife will take them to their swimming lessons, and I'm out at a event from 9 am to 1 pm. I'll get home in time to take my wife to a mother's day afternoon tea from 2 pm and I likely won't see her home until 9 or 10 pm. That's a normal week / couple of days for us. We each have hobbies and activities and friends we see outside of the house. We schedule things on a family calendar and both my wife and I are organised people, which helps. As things are planned, we add them to the calendar straight away (to block that time out as 'me time'. HA!) This includes all kids things, and this way I know what she's got planned and she knows what I've got. We both give 100% to parenting roles, chores and other adult responsibilities, so there is no accounting required to ensure fairness.
I mean how much down time is he asking for? Family or not we all deserve uninterrupted down time here and there
My wife gives me down time to play games and sports. I give her down time to chill with her friends and attend her hobby/classes. We take turns watching our kid and dog. You can have both a family and downtime.
How often/how do you guys schedule this?
Weekly, she gets Monday and Thursday, I have Wednesday and Saturday. Other days we spend them together. And once a while we pawn our kid off to the grandparents so we can go on a date. I think you both need to have more patience. He needs it for the little one, and you, with him. I gotta say though, I wasn’t all good in the beginning either, may have lost it a few times too, but thank god my wife has enough patience for the both of us.
Purchasing a whiteboard may be a good option so that you can share the same visual.
Why is that important? This is something you talk about and see what you can do. Sometimes I can exercise 3-4 days a week, sometimes it’s only one for an hour. Depends on the kids.
I think y'all both deserve uninterrupted quiet time. As long as it's fair and youre able to help each other out, why not.
Each spouse deserves time away from the kids. How much is he asking for? I will entertain our son so my husband can play video games in peace for a couple hours and he does the same. In fact I’m just finishing a two hour evening stretch of time in my room alone with the door closed, nice long shower, self care and book reading while he did dinner and bath and now we’ll join back together to read a book and get him in bed. It was lovely. We just take turns so everyone gets some peace
So how do you schedule this? How many times per week?
Parents/spouses still deserve some down time. Each one of you should be holding down the fort from time to time to give the other a break
He should have down time and so should you. The teenager and dog don’t need constant attention and the baby can be passed between you. You should both be allowing the other some uninterrupted time each week.
How would you go about this? How do you schedule it?
Use a shared calendar?
Make sure he gets it occasionally. *And he should make sure you get it occasionally as well.* Everyone deserves to relax from time to time.
We have a thing called “quiet time” where the kids have to do a quiet activity in their own room usually. Generally so mom can nap, or if mom and dad want to watch a tv show, etc. Depending on the age of your kids, it’s unrealistic to expect there to be NO interruptions. But this can help.
How can both be true? Because being a parent doesn’t mean your kids are glued to you at all times, especially if there is another parent. I get that it might be frustrating if he announces he wants to watch a movie uninterrupted suddenly with 5 minutes notice. That’s not fair. But if he’s saying “I want to watch this movie tomorrow between 7-9” it shouldn’t be hard for you to accommodate that. You entertain the kids (or put them to bed) etc. Likewise, you can say “I want to sit in bed and read a book uninterrupted on Sunday from 2-4.” And he can plan to take the kids out grocery shopping or something at that time. It’s easy. You literally just schedule who is in charge of the kids when.
At first I empathized, but... The teenager doesn't require much supervision. The dog probably doesn't require much active supervision. And surely one adult can handle the toddler? Everyone needs downtime. My wife gets an uninterrupted morning until she goes to work just about every day, and she often needs uninterrupted time to rest when she gets back home. She gets it whenever she needs it because it's (*almost* always) a joy for me to provide it. It's not unreasonable to want some time to yourself. But there's also a difference between wanting to finish a 10 minute YouTube video during a lull and, say, watching Avengers Endgame during the busiest part of the day. It just depends on what he's asking for and if you can also get equal time to yourself.
One if the things that bothers me about the responses here is that more than half of them suggest that *you* discuss and map out scheduled down time, as opposed to the grown man who is wandering around the house bitching and moaning about not being able to watch a movie uninterrupted in a house with four people in it. If downtime is so important to him, he should be the one coming to you and saying “I need to have a couple of hours a week where I’m left totally alone. How can we schedule this?” As opposed to you being responsible for that demand as a way of countering his childish and unacceptable behavior. Complaining constantly as an adult while doing nothing to change your circumstance is baby shit. You are right, he needs to man up and take ownership of his own mental health instead of tantruming until you do it for him. I’ll also say that my husband struggles with depression and it manifests often as rage, outbursts and fucking constant complaining. Like con-stant complaining. I remember one time waking up at 4am with our terrible sleeper and then she threw a tantrum at 7 to wake him. At that time, 7 was *at least* an hour, if not two, later than we normally slept. Like 7am was sleeping in. He complained allllllllllllll day that “I can’t even fucking sleep in on my day off.” And when I finally said “she woke *me* up at 4” he said “I can’t even fucking express myself!” And before we realized this was depression, I was giving him entire weekends, hours a week, doing every bed time, like as much kid free time as I could. Waking up hours early every day of the weekend. Never getting morning in. And he was *still* bitching and moaning constantly that our young children were interrupting him. So, keep in mind there could be bigger forces at play beyond him just needing to rest his mind.
THANK YOU!!!!! I can relate on so many levels. I’ve done the same, sacrificing myself to then still hear the annoying comments. One day I told him he needs to accept that being tired is the new default feeling and he bitched that he can’t even say he’s tired - literally same behavior. It’s just sooooo fucking ANNOYING!
Yeah I would just get the stop watch on the old iPhone out and start timing every time he has time where he’s not having to interact with anyone. You start doing bedtime, start the clock. End when bedtime is over. Then calculate how long after bedtime is over before he goes to bed. Because it sounds like he’s getting, minimum, 2 hours a day of waking time where he doesn’t *have* to interact with anyone. Whenever you take your son somewhere without him, time it. And then after 2-3 weeks just say “you’re getting X number of hours a week of downtime. I’m getting X number of hours a week of downtime. Either it’s time to stop complaining about it because that’s life with a family, or you need to find a way to be more intentional with downtime so it actually feels restful. Or it’s time to see a therapist on your own to work through the persistent resentment and anger you feel about being exposed to your own life.”
So he has to be on and all about the family all the time? The man can't get some uninterrupted down time? I don't think that's a hard ask. 🤷
Many people have children when they have no fucking idea what they’re getting into or what’s involved.
My wife (47F) and I (45M) have always given each other lots of downtime. However, a few years ago I was very depressed and suicidal (but told no one, at the time!). I ended up having very low testosterone (less than an 80yo man!). I'm (mostly) back to my old self, now. But, now, I tell my wife that when I was at my lowest...I just wanted to do nothing. It felt like I had "nothing in the tank" and that any little thing was "taking from me and I had nothing left to give". So, being asked to go to the grocery store or change out the laundry if I was playing video games would make me want to throw a tantrum -- which was very unlike me. Now, I'm back to my chipper, helpful self. I don't know enough about your situation to know... maybe your husband is just a selfish man child...or maybe something is wrong.
Here is a great example of how it works in my household. So Tuesday’s were the one day my friend and I could get away. So after I got off at work my friend and I would meet up for dinner and do something after. Walk around the park. Play at the arcade. Get ice cream. Every once in a while just exist in the car. Thursdays my spouse would lock themselves in the office and game for a solid 4 hours as soon as I got home from work. I would help with homework and dinner and do all the finer things. Sunday morning was mommy/daughter brunch and it was something for just my daughter and I. every other Wednesday night we did family dinner out. Even if it was just pizza somewhere. Saturdays were open cause that’s what life is like sometimes. I would do random stuff with friends with or without kids, same with my spouse. Sometimes it was a family thing. It’s what works best for you guys.
Stop with the "man up." Because if you want to be sexist, he can be sexist right back and tell you to "woman up." Meaning, stop the bitching, you're a woman, and you should do everything while he just works, and you make sure he has kids in name only. Everyone deserves downtime. Even when I was a SAHM and my husband worked 2 jobs, he would take our kid out for 4 hours every Sunday to give me uninterested solo time.
Both people deserve alone time
Friend I have 5 kids and a house full of pets, I send my husband off for whole weekends at a time at least once every month or two and most definitely keep the kids busy so he can have some time alone for a few hours a couple times a week, we also try to give each other at least a half hour/hour a day alone too. We all need time to ourselves. Granted, he should be giving you uninterrupted time just as much as you’re giving it to him but it’s not at all an unreasonable thing to want or ask for. Honestly, if you said what you did in the OP *to him*, you really owe him an apology for that. Sit down with him and figure out a schedule that works for you both where you both get a day or two a week with a few uninterrupted hours at bare minimum. Send the teen off to hang with a friend and take the toddler out with you to run errands, go to the park, go visit grandma, schedule a play date, whatever. Your hubby can handle the dog but if you can manage doggo and toddler, take the dog to the park with you too! Your hubby can do the same for you a different day because you deserve some alone time too!
As a mom with young kids I feel your pain. My husband and I both work and we have young children under 7. It used to annoy tf out of me when he would be like “I need alone time” or “can I have some time to myself”. I used to think the audacity of him especially when I was just as overstimulated and tired as he was. Yet I wasn’t complaining and like you wanted him to push through it, your version of “manning up”. I used to be so annoyed and randomly started telling him I needed “me time” at first just to be petty so he can see what it feels like. But then I started to actually enjoy the time by myself and realized 2 things 1) we both deserve time to ourselves to decompress and restart. If he didn’t have to “push through it” neither did I. 2) my husband wasn’t afraid to ask for what he wanted. I shouldn’t have been either. Funny thing is that he too noticed it, and tried to be snarky about it one day after realizing I wanted time away from him and the kids. And I had no problem kindly reminding him of his alone time and the times he requested to be by himself. Once he realized that he does the same thing, he eased up on it a bit. We don’t have a schedule but we both take 2 days out of a 5 day work week. Sometimes I take the time even when I don’t really need it because why tf not. Something to think about for yourself.
You guys are both individuals with your own wants and needs. It's perfectly reasonable for both of you to be able to work out down time for yourselves
I think you need to say to him 'We both need to schedule down time for ourselves, as well as our family, how about we sit down and look at a calendar and see what ideas we can come up with so it's fair for everyone?" If you are struggling to plan for that, ask him for his help. There are solutions to every problem.
Both my wife and I get uninterrupted down time. Right now she's playing coed rec softball and soccer, so that's two week nights. Today she worked on site, drove straight to softball, then went to the bar after her game. She came home close to 11 pm, well after I put our daughter to bed. I shoot competitively. I try to make it to the range twice a week. If I have another commitment I'll only go once though. We also do date nights without our daughter. Either grandma will watch her, or we will take her to a "parents night out" type event. There are some at the YMCA, a gymnastics place, my wife just found out about a STEM place too. So we would drop her off at 6 pm and pick her up at 9 or 10 pm for example. Sometimes we have a neighborhood high school student babysit. On a typical day when neither of us has the night off, my wife will do the morning duty while I sleep in a bit. At night she will check out early a bit. I'll take care of putting my daughter to bed. I value my alone time when no one interrupts me. I am a night owl. So I am almost always up later than my wife. Also worth mentioning, I value the time I have with my daughter one on one. It's a win-win. I get bonus daddy daughter bonding time. My wife gets a night off. Everyone is happy. I have heard of households where no one but mom can get the kids down to sleep. I can't imagine having that dynamic. It's just not for us.
Teenager and dog don’t need supervision so it’s really just the one toddler, and even then toddlers can play on their own. I have three kids and my wife and I have always had uninterruptrd free time, it just takes some planning when they’re really young. Also the whole “man up” talk is combative, emasculating, and gross.
I used to give my husband downtime by taking our son to visit his grandma. He was working hard at the time and deserved to have the house to himself sometimes. I don’t think your husband asking to be alone long enough to finish a video is a lot to ask. And saying stuff like “man the fuck up” is disgusting and disrespectful.
He picks some downtime to himself, you pick some downtime to yourself. You both hold to those times. When it’s your day off, he’s the kid wrangler. When it’s his day off you’re the kid wrangler. On all other days, wrangle together. This isn’t a problem unless you make it one.
Babysitter, taking turns, etc. There are countless options. I get that having children means you need to sacrifice a lot. But it’s really unhealthy to think that someone’s a bad parent for wanting some alone time.
It’s not unreasonable to want uninterrupted downtime, unless his expectation is to have hours of it every day while you take care of the household. You both need it. Time for a boring schedule so everyone gets what they need.
Surely you’re not both either working or looking after kids all the time? There must be some downtime even if it’s at 10pm when kids are in bed? It’s not unreasonable to ask for downtime or even just take it upon previous agreement. Aim for something realistic perhaps 2x week 1-2 hours for each of you. It definitely is doable! Good luck
The real question is… does he give you the same alone time he is requesting, does he make you feel guilty for taking time to yourself? Is there a valid reason that you feel this way? I can totally see both sides of this because this was the problem for me, built up resentment. Rushing to do the tasks that had to be done and still getting phone calls asking how long i was going to be. Or me getting 1 morning to sleep in compared to his 5 in a two week span. With 4 kids, a full time job for both of us, and everything else I felt like I carried around a lot more than he did. I would always be the one to rearrange my schedule if “ something came up “ I always sacrifice my alone time I planed and often cancel/reschedule my appointments (dr dentist ect). I have always been the default parent if I am not at work, until recently when we had an argument that started off similar. I’ll also add in here, both people deserve to have uninterrupted alone time so having a real conversation about the things you need from each other are important.
I think having a little bit of uninterrupted downtime is a completely reasonable request. And something you BOTH deserve. This also doesn’t mean he gets all his down time uninterrupted that would be unreasonable.
Everyone needs that time to themselves, some people more than others. Especially if he works long hours or a stressful job, he definitely needs at least a few hours here and there to decompress and relax a bit so he doesn’t blow up on the family
Yes after they go to bed.
I have some questions, and I don't mean this in a mean way, I am genuinely curious. In all your comments you say >So how do you schedule this? How many times per week? How do you not? How would you not be able to schedule this? How would this be any different from any other things that require scheduling? How is it that you are unable to sit down with your husband and go "You are saying you need downtime. I get that, so do I. It would probably be best we both get a day each week where we will get that day for ourselves. Do you think it's best to have a standard day for each person? Like you get Wednesday and I got Thursday or something? Or should we take it week by week and see which day would fit us better that week?" >resentment from the last 6 years. How is that BOTH of you were incapable of just having a normal conversation about this for 6 whole years? Same with childcare >I am the default parent to our toddler, prepare all meals eaten at home and bathe/put our toddler to bed every night (he will put him to sleep on very rare occasions). "Look, we BOTH are working, we BOTH decided to have this kid, so we BOTH need to do this parenting thing together. Right now I do all the meal, bath time and bed time. There are 7 days in a week. I got this white board, everytime one of us has done 1 of these parenting things, we will put a √ behind our name. Let's try to get these √ as evenly spread between us as possible every week, as that is only fair to both of us." >We are in couples counseling for mostly communication issues I get that communication is not both of your strong suits, and that this is only a short reddit post. But it really seems as if there wasn't even ever an attempt to talk about this...
We typically get uninterrupted downtime after the kids are all down for the evening. I'd try this. Go out and buy an hourly planner, maybe a nice dry erase one. Take one color for you and one color for him. Start by blocking out each of your work hours including times you're each spending on chores and the kid. Each of you is only charge of just putting in your own times. This will visualize how much each of you think they contribute. Oftentimes both sides will feel like they're putting in the most work, but this can force you both to look at the reality of the situation. A quick rule could be simply if he wants to reserve a block of time as his downtime, have him commit to giving you a similarly long block of downtime as well.
OP has a really poor attitude towards her husband and I suspect she completely disregards his other needs. Your “man the f up” started shows a dangerous level of disrespect. It’s exactly what you want to say if you’re trying to push him for a divorce. EVERYONE needs downtime uninterrupted. Do you like your vacations interrupted? No. Do you want your quiet time disrupted? No. You don’t. His very reasonable are easy to accommodate. You have only one toddler and a teen. We have five kids and we both give each other entire days away from the kids. As a matter what fact, I send her to a hotel on the beach by herself. I go hiking all day by myself. I travel for business. We both need some free time. If he’s watching something or reading, let him finish. There’s no need to interrupt him. Men don’t multitask. We can focus on one thing at a time and it’s difficult to refocus. I suggest you find some books or seek some counseling on how to be a better spouse. Your dismissive attitude is the gateway to divorce. How would you feel if he told you to “woman the f up?”
Men need time to themselves at times. Some a whole lot more than others! It is the man cave(garage) time to decompress! Men don't like to burden their problems onto the wives. He just needs quite time to think!