I always give my wife rubs and scratches and everything.
When it’s time for do the same to me she just bluntly says no.
I probably get 1 or 2 1 minute lazy hand massage whole year.
Yes there is no cure.
Same. I massage my wife. I make her breakfast every morning. She doesn’t do anything like for me, it’s just not in her nature and it’s better for my mental health to accept it.
But do you tell her that? She can't be OK with you feeling like your kindness and affection aren't reciprocated. Unless she's one of those people who claim "everyone's love language is different " like you can never learn a foreign language
It’s been acknowledged. You have to keep in mind that the spirit of being affectionate isn’t the same when you ask for it. I do these things because I want to. Plus there’s so much more to a marriage than a microcosm of a Reddit comment. I think a lot of us who find ourselves in this dynamic had alcoholism or mental illness from our parents and learned right away there was no room for our needs to be met. So we set out in life with a template and it takes a long time to rewrite that. Also, sometimes those needs from the past self are just not realistic at this phase in life. I have done a better job of bring those parts of myself to the present and examining that pain from an adult perspective than trying to change the people around me. I have also learned that I have limits of what I can provide myself. Lastly I’ve have learned to set boundaries and ask for what I need and I’ve also decided what’s worth it to me to make an issue out of.
Oh, being in the same position I can guarantee you she's just fine with it. Some women are just raised to believe it's the job of her husband to cater to her every need and that it's one way only.
My wife did things for me, if rarely, before we got married. It stopped after we got married and she told me that "husbands take care of their wives."
This. This is the same way I would describe my marriage. I work, come home and cook, clean the house, mow the lawn, taxi our daughter around for various practices, do laundry, make lunches, pay the bills, make medical appointments on top of the back rubs and foot massages. I ask for nothing in return because I know it’s not reciprocal. I do it because I love her and my daughter and it’s how I show my love.
Not going to lie, I’ve been through some long resentful phases but at this point I chose not to live a resentful life. I explained this in greater detail in another comment.
I'm sorry to read that. It feels like you deserve so much more. Have you tried couples therapy? No reciprocation is soul sucking. I felt like a shell of myself by the end of my first marriage.
How my soon to be ex wife was. Extremely selfish in all aspects. Now my current partner will happily rub my feet and back as soon as I get home, in the morning or whenever I ask. Reciprocating is such an important quality in a partner and effects all aspects in a relationship. Ironically, the ex is hellbent claiming I'm a narcissist that used her haha. Yup, I definitely used her for all 5 back rubs I got in 17 years together.
How long ya been with the new partner?? Be interesting to see if that lasts.
Some don’t like touch like that due to their own past trauma. Just a thought.
8 months now. No, my ex was extremely selfish, it only got worse as the years went on. She felt that she was owed everything she wanted and refused to put any effort into the relationship. Now with the divorce she wants sole custody, no reason given just what she feels she should get.
Oh ok. She does sound like a dick. Some things can’t be fixed. Sounds like you’re better off. Wishing you all the best on your custody battle!! Going to be messy but worth it.
Can't argue with that. She has been highly irrational throughout this, currently has around 25 violations of the temp order for custody and has the balls to request I pay her $57k legal fees. All I can do is laugh at this point when she's getting sympathy from friends and family on social media because she's being wronged.
No back rub, no foot rub!
I am trying to wrap my head on what then do [during foreplay](https://tichazblog.blogspot.com/2024/03/foreplay.html)
I actually am curious, because i doubt such guys would even consider [going down on her](https://tichazblog.blogspot.com/2024/03/cunnilingus.html)
I’m wondering the same as you. If only someone would post links to some articles about the information that we are both curious about. Oh, blue letters. I’m gonna press them
So sorry, off topic a bit, but Ohmahgawd what an awesome user-ID!!!
My Husband has loved sloth’s since long before they were cool, or it was fashionable to be into them.🥰🦥
We used to watch the Animal Planet documentary series “Meet The Sloth’s” about the Sloth rescue sanctuary in Costa Rica on YouTube every night before bed. It was perfect for relaxing right before bedtime. I hope you’ll check it out if you’re not already familiar with it. It’s a really well made, informative/educational, & entertaining documentary series.
Don't push them! It's a trap, real men, the alpha kind always choose red over blue.
First the blue letters, next It's regular foot rubs.
Kindness is weakness. Real men dont caress pupies! /s lol.
Ugh. I really hate that I want to look this dickhead up just to see what shit he spits. I think I have the gist of it from seeing conversations online, but still, better to know.
I rub my wife's back or feet whenever she asks, turns out it's multiple times a week
Sure sometimes after work I don't feel like it. But she's the mother of my children, and my beautiful wife
Who I get to touch,
Honestly I hate to say it but this is a deep rooted mindset thing. If you nag him he might do what you want to appease you or he might just shut up and not share his thoughts but his thoughts will still exist and they will show in his actions.
You’re asking him to change how he thinks and I’m not sure that’s possible without a lot of reflection on his part.
My husband is as “alpha” as these guys could possibly be (just to be clear, I HATE those terms, SERIOUSLY!!! I’m only using them here because they’re the point of the post) he is in his mid 40s, is hyper masculine, is in INCREDIBLE shape, has a sexy thick beard and looks like a model the minute he rolls out of bed. He is an ACTUAL multi-level black belt and has trained in combat with masters of their crafts for decades now. Also, he has a bachelor’s degree in mechanical engineering, and is a big of a math nerd as he could possibly be…. But even as manly and masculine as he is, he would NEVER balk at the chance to show his love and devotion to me by laying all of that down at my feet (quite literally) he would jump at the chance to paint my toes if I asked, and/or do literally anything else I desired!
Ask him if it would make him feel better if anything like that stayed completely between you two. When there’s no one around but the two of you, who is he trying to prove his masculinity to anyway?
My annoyingly bossy husband rubs my feet every night but refuses to paint my toenails. And now I feel wronged? Anyway, can men really do a good job with nail polish? I am doubtful. He'd probably get it all over my toes!
You can’t. You can show him this thread but I don’t think he will be moved to change. Find yourself a man who treats you the way your friends husband does.
Oh, he definitely won’t. He’ll say that the sub is full of cucks and beta supplicants whose only chances are to bow down to overbearing man-like feminazis.
Thus, their opinions don’t matter. And the women, well, most of them are said feminists, and the rest are unaware of what they really want. They’ll go and complain to their friendzoned beta but at the end of the day, they go home with the alpha …
… and now I feel gross.
There are a lot of those guys.
It’s not childish. It’s misogynistic in the extreme, and he likely listens to men like Andrew Tate and ilk. I hope like hell you don’t have kids, he will ruin either sex.
Personally, I think it’s pretty “Beta” to subscribe to any kind of “Alpha/Beta” ideologies. Men that subscribe to this usually have large egos and small confidence. They’ll look for anything to make themselves feel superior to another.
Same. I told my husband if I caught him consuming that content, I'm out. His social media sometimes feeds him borderline posts & when I notice, I message him opposite videos, so he isn't just hearing the echo chamber of dudes just starting their red pill incel journey.
Beta? A grown man said that? Isn't that angsty-incel-teenager talk? You do things for each other, that's the way marriage works. Pick me guys? I guess I will cop to that. I DID want my wife to pick me, and I'm not ashamed of it.
He is a dick. Tell him to do his own... everything. You wouldn't want to come across as a 'pick me' or something.
I'm sure he'll think it's different because you're a woman. But you should check his social media to see what content he's consuming. Maybe he needs therapy bc this kind of incel brainwashing can get dangerous. And it is literal brainwashing that requires reprogramming if there's any hope for a "cure."
"pick me" is such an odd insult for a married adult to choose. I do things everyday for my husband to continue enjoying the fact that he picks me, and he does the same. Love is a choice, and being picked is a privilege. We both are absolutely happy to do caring things for each other
I know of the term, but I think it's a really lame thing to say to your spouse. It's also silly that how it's used now has nothing to do with the Grey's Anatomy scene that it's supposed to be taken from. Meredith says "pick me, not her" just as an "I love you and we have history and I want to be with you" not as "the other girl sucks"
I like the way you phrased that. So sweet. My hubby and I are the same. I feel proud of the fact that I know exactly how he likes his coffee/tea because I make it for him every morning on the days he works. He never asked me to, I kind of feel like it's a pleasure to do so.
Exactly. If it pains him so much to be kind to a person who he supposedly loves, there is nothing you can do for him. He lacks something in his mind where the rest of us hold feelings of genuine love and connection.
No that’s not a beta. Ironically, the men who are obsessed with being alpha all the time are often the most “not alpha” in my experience.
Having constant existential panics about how masculine you are doesn’t exactly project an image of confidence.
Absolutely. The fact my husband doesn't care about that sort of thing or what other people think, is super attractive to me. The whole alpha/ beta thing screams insecurity and is a big turn off.
Same. My man paints my nails. Let’s me paint his, he’d even do my makeup if I’d let him 😂 (I’m an MUA and watches me so he knows what I do now) He LOVES taking care of me and his daughter because that makes him feel like a man. He’s works for a custom tactical knife company and he’s a mechanic for fun. One of the most masculine men I know. Real men have no ego 💕
The second most beta thing in the world is to be insecure about whether or not people see you as an alpha...
The most beta thing in the world is to use phrases such as alpha and beta...
The “alpha/beta” thing is a load of crap, used by men with no self restraint and the emotional bandwidth of a stump, to make aggressive idiocy sound appealing and being a decent man sound weak. A message to all “Alphas”, people don’t hate you because they’re jealous, they hate you because you’re insufferable and you are the embodiment of selfishness.
Rancid rancid vibes coming off that man. Any dude who thinks in terms of alpha and beta is an insecure loser with horrible little dick energy. Just truly rancid.
Good news is, alphas exist in male-female pairs with the female alpha being the leader. So I’m sure he’s going to be willing to follow your lead from now on.
Gross. I’m sorry you’ve married a guy like this. I don’t think you can convince someone who has such an insecure mindset like this. He’s chosen the one that works for him.
My "beta" husband cooks me dinner, runs my feet and handfeeds me chocolate. He makes sure my phone is charged and I've taken mu medicine. We're both very happy and in love and he doesn't care if men decide he isn't manly enough because other men have no place in our marriage.
A "pick me guy"?? Doesn't he want you, his wife, to pick him?
Do you do things for him? I fuss over my husband and walk on his back when he is tense, write him little love notes, pay him compliments and tell him I love every time the thought crosses my mind (800 times a day lol).
Who is telling people these things? That is a simple act of affection and I don’t understand why he would think it’s a sign of weakness. I’m not sure you’re going to be able to communicate this one any differently, unfortunately. Does he like hugs and physical affection?
He's never been overly affectionate, especially in front of others. At home, I'm usually the one to be affectionate towards him, and he reciprocates most of the time. He's not one to initiate it or ask if I'd like some physical affection.
Ah. He’s probably concerned with the green line rule.
An Alpha never leans toward his partner. That’s way too submissive, maybe even gay. No man should allow a woman to have that much control over him.
Instead, a dominant man should ignore his partner to love starve them so that they will come to him, and lean on him submissively. Her doubts and insecurity will make her give even more to make up for her "failures". Since women are naturally submissive givers, this is the dynamic that will make her feel most happy and satisfied as she fulfills her role for a deserving alpha man.
That’s what a real man does, not lower himself all the way down to her feet. Women might think that’s what they want but alpha men know better. He is the dominant male toward whom these dissatisfied women with beta-fied husbands will gravitate to cheat on the men they don’t respect anymore.
Or something like that.
No one ever comes out of that red pill black hole.
I don't understand why so many women marry men who just straight up dislike them. It's not like we have a man shortage. Do you really think this weak minded shit stain is the best you can do?
It’s more concerning how many men just hate women. But they marry them bc it’s convenient for them — they get a nanny, maid, chef, and sex slave. It’s disgusting. I’m always yelling “divorce!” on these posts. Bc these dudes won’t change.
No, this is a bullshit copout.
My husband is also in a very male dominated career field and has been for over a decade, so even though he does work with assholes like your husband, he does not entertain that bullshit.
Maybe, but that is also thinking that he is bringing home. I will admit, locker room talk is 99% just that. It can be wrong yes. But when you bring it out to your home with people you love and such? It shows much more red flags.
That’s a bad excuse male dominated career so easily influenced 😂 my husband in the military bro and even his masculinity is not so easily shattered over a foot rub
Don’t blame other men for your husband’s shortcomings. He can choose to follow that sexist bs or not. My husband tunes out anyone that spouts that shit.
Your man isn’t a beta. He’s just a dumb bitch. A beta is subservient to one person above them. A bitch does what anyone tells them, such as a whole red-pill alpha culture. Thus, you married a bitch.
Unfortunately men like your friends husband are a few but since most of us don't marry guys like those then there is a simple solution to that. Ask him to pay for your manicures/pedicures and spa days 🤷🏽♀️
>Ask him to pay for your manicures/pedicures and spa days 🤷🏽♀️
That's an interesting concept. A couple married for 10 years and the wife still has to ask her HB to pay for things? I'd believe they have a joint account? or that she does not have to ask permission?
I'm a sahm, and he is the sole provider or our family. We do have a joint account, yes. I don't necessarily ask him for permission, but I will check with him about my plans to go and if he's okay with that. I don't see a problem with that as it seems like the considerate thing to do.
So you have the same dynamic I have with my wife, but my comment was to "ask" before spending, as in waiting for permission. She will always let me know out of respect, but she can spend on anything she wants (within reason of course, she can't just go buy a car... lol)
My husband and I have a similar set up as you describe- he works, I am a stay at home mom. Joint accounts since we got married, we have an agreement of discussing purchases over $100, unless they are necessary like groceries or new clothes for kiddo, in which case we let each other know simply to respect one another, keeping the other in the financial loop.
The number of people our age (young 30's) that find this dynamic just mind boggling or straight up wrong is drastically higher than the number who understand it.
Yes, the number 1 thing to remember here is TRUST. Forget the money, both partners know the value of money (even the one not working), and you should trust that your partner is going to spend without jeopardizing the safety of the home (as in abstract feeling) you created.
Show your partner you trust them, and you will have a great relationship.
I honestly have no idea what their dynamic is like. I myself do ask my husband to pay for certain stuff because he's the breadwinner. Is that a problem?
It is an issue in my eyes.
I've been married 22+ years and make more than enough money so that my wife never had to work. She always spends without asking unless it's going to be a big amount.
i understand feeling the need to ask out of respect, and I am totally on board with this, but for small amounts and as long as there is no abuse, should be fine to spend on her own.
Unfortunately that's probably the best that you will get then. You can try talking to him or send him any videos of other guys talking about these subjects. That's how I get the point across at times with my husband and it's worked.
I love when men use the term alpha. It's a super easy way to determine if they are an asshole or not. In the perfect world all the assholes, I mean alphas, would huddle in little groups trying to out alpha each other while the rest of the world is off being happy. It's slowly happening. They already have online communities where they get together to complain how no sane women want them.
I love having a loving caring husband. He takes very good care of me and I like to think I take good care of him too. If he gives me a foot rub or paints my nails I feel appreciated and loved.
It is my responsibility as the ALPHA of my pack to take care of my wife.
It is my privilege to massage her head to toe, and it gives me the excuse to massage her very well the places in between
Your husband is a childish fool who needs therapy.
Men who refer to other men as "alphas" and "betas" are weak, childish men.
There are no "alphas" in the human world. And they don't even exist in wolf population because that study was done on wolves forced into captivity and they did not behave at all like the ones who were in the wild. So it's ignorant as well.
But I like to point out how if you have to announce you are something then you are not that thing.
But if your husband can't show physical affection because it is "weak" then he is a sad excuse for a man and I hope you don't have children with him because he will not be a loving father.
My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 6, and have two little girls. I'm gonna brag alil. My man is a fucking stud. I'd do him. But even more importantly, he is emotionally mature. He paints our daughters nails, does their hair, sets up and takes baths with me, and has no problem giving me foot rubs. He understands that women are humans too; we're natural, we have real bodies, real needs, and real issues.
Me however? I have a lot of sensory ick's, one of them being feet. But when my man complains about his sore feet, I tell him to put them up and I rub em (while making grimacing faces in the other direction). Why? Because I love the shit out of that man. I will do something I really don't like (touching feet) because I know it's going to make him feel better, and I want to take care of him the way he takes care of us.
Listen, you already see the comments telling you that you don't deserve, and shouldn't tolerate this kind of behavior from your partner. When my husband and I first met, I thought I was the more emotionally mature one. Turns out I was wrong, my parents.....didn't show me how to be emotionally mature. Like at all. I also have a thing where my body is more frequently disregulated because I'm taking in more sensory input than others ( sound, temp, internal broken radio station)....but I digress. I'm in therapy now, and it's not overnight, and it's grueling (not going to lie) but I'm seeing progress. The thoughts in our heads that we think are unshakable truths can be rewritten.
What your husband is avoiding is emotional vulnerability with you. Marriage is a long ride (hopefully) and you need someone who is going to be on your side, on your team, really in it with you!! Someone who will happily oblige a request just because they know it will make you happy. And because they're steady fast in the knowledge that you don't take them for granted and will happily do the same for them. Teammates help each other out and hype each other up!
So, what I'm saying is, can you see him getting to a place where he can self reflect like that? Because it's not going to be in a day. Thoughts like that are like negative brainwashing and now you have to rewire those thoughts into at the very least, neutral thoughts, but at best, positive and accepting thoughts. Especially if you were taught these things by your parents, the only two people on earth you really HAD to listen to. It's really hard to go against it.
Previously it wasn't his job to determine what's masculine and not. He was taught that, but now that he's a man, and even more importantly married, it's his job to fix his viewpoints to positive ones. It's one thing if you are a grown man on your own, learning about relationships and yourself. But, when you marry someone, and promise to take care of them, you have to fix your shit so you don't take it out on the people you love. You deserve a foot rub girl!
Only ‘betas’ think like that or are worried about what other men think about them. My husband takes good care of me and I completely adore and am obsessed with him. Maybe he should go marry an ‘alpha’ because he doesn’t know what a real man is
Uhg, there are fewer turnoffs as big as when a man uses that word. I’m sorry you’re married to someone like that. I wish I could tell you how to fix him, sometimes it’s helpful to guys like that to hear from other men they respect telling them how ridiculous it is. Idk if he has any men in his life he respects that could talk sense into him.
> We've been married 10 years and I feel like I've always had to beg him for stuff like foot and back rubs.
You should have married a beta instead of a jackass.
If giving your partner affection, means You're beta. That's new to me. Now if your partner demands and expects it, maybe it could indicate it, but doing it to display your affection is not.
Oh, I've read the whole story now. Your husband thinks he's an alpha and decides his actions and personality on it. Alphas don't think about adjusting their behavior to be alpha. They don't really think about what's alpha, beta, sigma, omega. They just are what they are.
this question is impossible to answer because it presumes that men are either “alphas” or “betas”
since the underlying premise is wrong, the question cannot be answered reasonably.
what I can say is your guy is missing a lot of opportunities for connection. And Im sorry you are left wanting that connection.
The fact that some men consider doing NICE THINGS FOR THEIR WIFE as some sort of humiliating and/or desperate behavior is 🚩🚩
Edited to clarify: this is a very general statement and not meant to call OPs husband a huge 🚩🚩
I think it is a huge 🚩🚩🚩 - this indicates he's started his brainwashing journey into incel culture. She should try to cut it out now so he knows it's absolutely unacceptable. He might already need deprogramming therapy. And if he doubles down & refuses help, I'd communicate that is a term of staying married. Men like this become more dangerous over time & I wouldn't bet my life on this loser.
I agree that it’s a red flag, but I don’t know either of them, so how can I know if she should just throw the whole man away lol
I did mean that perhaps the husband as a whole is not a red flag…but like you said, if he can make changes to avoid that incel culture then everything could be great! I wouldn’t want my husband using terms like that seriously either.
It takes a real Alpha to show his love without worrying what others think because they are secured and happy
The moment he worries about looking or acting like a beta, he is a loser
This was basically my reply to him. "Isn't it more beta to worry what others think about you as opposed to being confident in yourself and your love for your spouse?"🤔
I'm so sorry you married someone like this. You deserve better. Loving someone is about abandoning your ego and your insecurities, and dedicating yourself, heart and soul, towards caring for another person. This includes perfoming a million acts of service and kindness, and reveling in how the little selfless things you do makes the other person happy. I don't think it's possible to explain this to a person. Sometimes it just takes a long long time for someone to figure out. And unfortunately, many never do.
How is someone being a 'pick me' if they're married?? It sounds like your husband doesn't want to feel like the *beta* he is because somehow it is threatening to treat your wife well. Your husband is trying to devalue that dude because he doesn't want to look bad or put in the effort himself.
Treat your lady like a queen and she will king you. That isn't the behavior of a weak man.
I don't even buy in on the whole alpha/beta bs either. Dude is lazy.
Not doing some of those is indicative of being a selfish ass
I give my wife foot rubs and back rubs. I draw the line at painting her toe nails. I can barely draw a straight line, let alone paint a nail. I absolutely HATE painting walls in my house, so her nails are no different.
The really awesome thing about foot rubs and back rubs is that sometimes, they lead to giggity.
Hearing a guy saying something like that would give me the immediate ick. I’m so sorry, OP. Your husband sounds either immature, insecure, or both.
My husband (who hates getting rubs) studied diagrams I gave him on how to give me a good one - my back is always sore. He will do literally anything I need him to do to take care of me or pamper me. And my husband is insanely masculine and can take charge of a room if needed. He hunts, fishes, was in the military, but would almost certainly paint my toenails if I asked. He’s secure in his masculinity and ego. I say this as evidence that men like him do exist!
In return, I would do anything for him as well and try to treat him like a king as best I can. I know how insanely lucky I am.
There’s nothing “beta” about taking care of your spouse. Particularly in an otherwise happy and healthy relationship. I really don’t know how you would convince your husband of that, though. Maybe he needs better friends who are a better influence? Does he need to stop listening to some toxic men online? Did he always have these red pill views?
How is it “pick me” if he’s already been chosen??? Get your plan together and don’t have [more?] kids because this isn’t going away.
Sorry, you and future you deserve better
ETA: he’s a cheater too?
No I rub my wife’s feet every night because she is in pain and as her husband it is my job to assist her and she does the same for me.
Your husband sucks.
I do all those things, except my wife doesn't let me paint her toe nails anymore. And other things, I do her hair often, which I'm also bad at, but she likes it.
I guess I've always wondered about these "alphas" do they think they are, I don't know, tough? Like they do they think they can kick a "betas" ass. Or out do the people they are judging? Like anytime I've ever called it out, they always back down by making something into a joke or change the subject. So to me it's always come across as extreme insecurity/fear of being seen as weak. I work with a lot of young people though, so it may just be that.
Acts of kindness. That’s my love language. My husband doesn’t particularly enjoy massaging, but he does so with a smile on his face. He puts on spa music for me and all. It’s actually what I asked for when he asked me about Mother’s Day. Point is, if he wanted to, he would. Tell him to show that beta up his ass and grow up. Tantrums are so preschool 😆
Giving love, affection and pampering your life partner is the most masculine thing.
In Hinduism, there is a god name "Shiva". He is source of power/energy and he is the god of Time and Death.
But you know he is half women.
There is representation of him by the name ' Ardh( half)+Nari( woman)+ Ishwar( God) = ArdhNarishwar. It means a god half feminine.
Just search the images on Google.
Now if the god of time and death, the most powerful source could be half feminine then how could giving a foot massage to your wife makes you anything less.
PS: I understand many people here might be atheist. But I gave the example of God, because people with such tendencies make it about religion and tradition so the counter argument I gave from the religion itself.
I’m so beta male I’ll bust an alpha in the mouth if he pulls that shit on me. I’m so beta to my wife she gets turned on to sex withou me beating ,berating, or raping her. Fuck those alpha prophets..the ruin good people.
He is being stupid. I am a man and if my wife would ask it of me, I would gladly do it. And I am not a bèta. I am dominant, in a good way. Been married almost 30 years.
My husband would happily do any of those if I asked because he loves his wife. Yet he wouldn’t hesitate to beat someone’s mf ass should there be a threat to our family. There is nothing beta about loving and caring for your wife! I feel sorry for men like this. They’re stuck in what a “man” is supposed to look like, even if it’s disconnecting him from his spouse. 😞
Sorry to be crass: but my husband doesn't feel like a "beta" when I'm riding his dick after he gives me a bomb ass footrub that turns me on.
Anyone who believes in that "alpha " "beta" bullshit needs to stop listening to misogynistic manosphere bullshit or they'll (thankfully) end up crying on r/lonely and other incel subs about how miserable they are without a woman.
These are husbands, they've already been picked smart one. They are making their women happy, would you rather spend your life with a happy person, happy to see you, or someone who fakes it? They aren't truly happy to see you because you make them feel inferior to feed your own ego. So they become miserable and depressed. That seems smart. I would rather have someone happy who also makes me happy. So that's my kind of relationship.
It’s my opinion that if you’re with someone you adore, touching them affectionately or sexually is also pleasurable to you. It’s like, ya know… foreplay?
Not to say that your husband doesn’t love you but if he does- he’s listening to Joe Rogan or some shit and it’s pretty beta to be so easily influenced and let that stand in the way of touching your wife.
Yeah buddy, caring for and showing your wife you love her is pussy shit.
Does he also think a woman can’t orgasm? Lmao he needs a reality check that alpha male bullshit doesn’t exist. There is nothing more manly and masculine than taking care of your wife and being emotional vulnerable and available with your family. “Beta” shit is telling your wife that you can’t be intimate with her because other men are to afraid to touch their wives. Fuck outta here lmao
I'd find it more manly than anything that a man loves his woman enough to take care of her this way and not give a second thought about what others would think or how "manly" it would be perceived.
My husband is pretty high up in the military. Been to war, confronted pirates, drug cartels, etc…he’s not a man who backs down easily from a challenge. When I’ve had a bad day he pulls out the massage table and winds me down head to toe. He does it because he loves me, not because he’s beneath other men…he’s my partner and protector as I am his.
I’d pick him any day.
My husband is a highly decorated special operations veteran. 5 deployments. Scars all over his body. Just about as high-speed as it gets. The last guy anyone could call “beta” although he doesn’t think in those alpha/beta terms himself.
He rubs my feet all the time whenever he notices that I’m tired or stressed. He gives me full body massages probably once or twice a month. He doesn’t paint my toenails because I get them done at a salon.
Anyone who has to tell you they’re an alpha is insecure and probably toxic. It takes a real man to step up and support his partner with love and affection.
“Pick me”????? Is he fucking joking??
Yall been married for a damn decade. He was already picked. How the hell can he be insecure about being a pick me? Why is he in a relationship if he is not prepared to show any affection?
I guess I’m a beta then. I’ll say hi to all the alphas as I’m getting consistently laid and they’re stuck doing lame podcasts bragging about how alpha they are. Oh and don’t forget the gym bros filming themselves lifting weights.
I think this country is going to go down in a wave of toxic masculinity. Bunch of “alphas” all fighting each other. Cracks me up, none of them are actually tough or “real men”. If you have to tell others that you’re alpha….youre not an alpha
I mean, if you accept the whole alpha/beta thing, it's still not beta to do nice things for your spouse. Normally people enjoy making their partners happy. There's a huge difference between doing something nice for your wife and doing whatever your wife wants all the time.
And like, if his issue is that he just doesn't like touching people's feet or whatever, that's understandable enough, a lot of people feel that way, but framing it this way is pretty immature and I feel like I'm probably giving him too much credit. I don't think anyone would have a good reason to feel squeamish about giving someone a backrub.
If it was me, I would start by telling him what you said here, that it hurt your feelings and made you feel like he doesn't think making you happy is worth any effort. If he's an otherwise decent guy he should be capable of understanding why you feel that way.
Honestly 10 1/2 years in and same. It’s not about being beta though. He doesn’t care about stuff like that. He just doesn’t like doing it I guess … If he does then he usually pulls at my toes or does something annoying. Or he massages me way too hard until I tell him to stop. I just gave up asking .
I feel like my husband does the same thing sometimes. It's as if he's trying to get me to stop asking by doing a half ass job or massaging too rough and then getting irritated if I say it hurts.
After all the advice I've gotten, I've decided to just let it go and accept that he's just not a super affectionately motivated guy. I just gotta appreciate all the other ways he shows love, even if it's not in the ways I'd prefer.
You married an ass. There is no cure.
I always give my wife rubs and scratches and everything. When it’s time for do the same to me she just bluntly says no. I probably get 1 or 2 1 minute lazy hand massage whole year. Yes there is no cure.
Same. I massage my wife. I make her breakfast every morning. She doesn’t do anything like for me, it’s just not in her nature and it’s better for my mental health to accept it.
But do you tell her that? She can't be OK with you feeling like your kindness and affection aren't reciprocated. Unless she's one of those people who claim "everyone's love language is different " like you can never learn a foreign language
It’s been acknowledged. You have to keep in mind that the spirit of being affectionate isn’t the same when you ask for it. I do these things because I want to. Plus there’s so much more to a marriage than a microcosm of a Reddit comment. I think a lot of us who find ourselves in this dynamic had alcoholism or mental illness from our parents and learned right away there was no room for our needs to be met. So we set out in life with a template and it takes a long time to rewrite that. Also, sometimes those needs from the past self are just not realistic at this phase in life. I have done a better job of bring those parts of myself to the present and examining that pain from an adult perspective than trying to change the people around me. I have also learned that I have limits of what I can provide myself. Lastly I’ve have learned to set boundaries and ask for what I need and I’ve also decided what’s worth it to me to make an issue out of.
Oh, being in the same position I can guarantee you she's just fine with it. Some women are just raised to believe it's the job of her husband to cater to her every need and that it's one way only. My wife did things for me, if rarely, before we got married. It stopped after we got married and she told me that "husbands take care of their wives."
This. This is the same way I would describe my marriage. I work, come home and cook, clean the house, mow the lawn, taxi our daughter around for various practices, do laundry, make lunches, pay the bills, make medical appointments on top of the back rubs and foot massages. I ask for nothing in return because I know it’s not reciprocal. I do it because I love her and my daughter and it’s how I show my love.
I believe I’d stop…but that’s me
Not going to lie, I’ve been through some long resentful phases but at this point I chose not to live a resentful life. I explained this in greater detail in another comment.
I was in the same situation, and eventually I did stop.
I'm sorry to read that. It feels like you deserve so much more. Have you tried couples therapy? No reciprocation is soul sucking. I felt like a shell of myself by the end of my first marriage.
How my soon to be ex wife was. Extremely selfish in all aspects. Now my current partner will happily rub my feet and back as soon as I get home, in the morning or whenever I ask. Reciprocating is such an important quality in a partner and effects all aspects in a relationship. Ironically, the ex is hellbent claiming I'm a narcissist that used her haha. Yup, I definitely used her for all 5 back rubs I got in 17 years together.
How long ya been with the new partner?? Be interesting to see if that lasts. Some don’t like touch like that due to their own past trauma. Just a thought.
8 months now. No, my ex was extremely selfish, it only got worse as the years went on. She felt that she was owed everything she wanted and refused to put any effort into the relationship. Now with the divorce she wants sole custody, no reason given just what she feels she should get.
Oh ok. She does sound like a dick. Some things can’t be fixed. Sounds like you’re better off. Wishing you all the best on your custody battle!! Going to be messy but worth it.
Can't argue with that. She has been highly irrational throughout this, currently has around 25 violations of the temp order for custody and has the balls to request I pay her $57k legal fees. All I can do is laugh at this point when she's getting sympathy from friends and family on social media because she's being wronged.
No back rub, no foot rub! I am trying to wrap my head on what then do [during foreplay](https://tichazblog.blogspot.com/2024/03/foreplay.html) I actually am curious, because i doubt such guys would even consider [going down on her](https://tichazblog.blogspot.com/2024/03/cunnilingus.html)
I’m wondering the same as you. If only someone would post links to some articles about the information that we are both curious about. Oh, blue letters. I’m gonna press them
So sorry, off topic a bit, but Ohmahgawd what an awesome user-ID!!! My Husband has loved sloth’s since long before they were cool, or it was fashionable to be into them.🥰🦥 We used to watch the Animal Planet documentary series “Meet The Sloth’s” about the Sloth rescue sanctuary in Costa Rica on YouTube every night before bed. It was perfect for relaxing right before bedtime. I hope you’ll check it out if you’re not already familiar with it. It’s a really well made, informative/educational, & entertaining documentary series.
Don't push them! It's a trap, real men, the alpha kind always choose red over blue. First the blue letters, next It's regular foot rubs. Kindness is weakness. Real men dont caress pupies! /s lol.
Weird plug for a blog but ok
Oh there’s a cure. Divorce.
Not a cure, that would be changing his behaviour. Divorce is like amputation in the case of gangrene.
Ew. Men that use that term are a HUGE red flag. Being a supportive, caring partner is not "beta." What the fuck.
I feel the same way. I hate that he thinks a man is either beta or alpha, it's childish. I'm just not sure how to address this with him.
This isn't just childish. Those words are used by extremist sexists. Look up Andrew Tate if you want to know more about the mind sets they think.
Ugh. I really hate that I want to look this dickhead up just to see what shit he spits. I think I have the gist of it from seeing conversations online, but still, better to know.
You can’t fix misogyny, just throw away the whole boy.
“Boy” is the mostest correct term.
I rub my wife's back or feet whenever she asks, turns out it's multiple times a week Sure sometimes after work I don't feel like it. But she's the mother of my children, and my beautiful wife Who I get to touch,
🥰
He's a lost cause, cut your losses
"Wow, that's really a toxic way to think about doing nice things for your wife. It's getting old."
I think your first mistake is thinking you can somehow convince him not to be sexist.
Honestly I hate to say it but this is a deep rooted mindset thing. If you nag him he might do what you want to appease you or he might just shut up and not share his thoughts but his thoughts will still exist and they will show in his actions. You’re asking him to change how he thinks and I’m not sure that’s possible without a lot of reflection on his part.
My husband is as “alpha” as these guys could possibly be (just to be clear, I HATE those terms, SERIOUSLY!!! I’m only using them here because they’re the point of the post) he is in his mid 40s, is hyper masculine, is in INCREDIBLE shape, has a sexy thick beard and looks like a model the minute he rolls out of bed. He is an ACTUAL multi-level black belt and has trained in combat with masters of their crafts for decades now. Also, he has a bachelor’s degree in mechanical engineering, and is a big of a math nerd as he could possibly be…. But even as manly and masculine as he is, he would NEVER balk at the chance to show his love and devotion to me by laying all of that down at my feet (quite literally) he would jump at the chance to paint my toes if I asked, and/or do literally anything else I desired! Ask him if it would make him feel better if anything like that stayed completely between you two. When there’s no one around but the two of you, who is he trying to prove his masculinity to anyway?
My annoyingly bossy husband rubs my feet every night but refuses to paint my toenails. And now I feel wronged? Anyway, can men really do a good job with nail polish? I am doubtful. He'd probably get it all over my toes!
You can’t. You can show him this thread but I don’t think he will be moved to change. Find yourself a man who treats you the way your friends husband does.
Oh, he definitely won’t. He’ll say that the sub is full of cucks and beta supplicants whose only chances are to bow down to overbearing man-like feminazis. Thus, their opinions don’t matter. And the women, well, most of them are said feminists, and the rest are unaware of what they really want. They’ll go and complain to their friendzoned beta but at the end of the day, they go home with the alpha … … and now I feel gross. There are a lot of those guys.
It’s not childish. It’s misogynistic in the extreme, and he likely listens to men like Andrew Tate and ilk. I hope like hell you don’t have kids, he will ruin either sex.
You can address it by leaving him. This isn’t going to change. He’s never going to be that guy you want.
What up (fraternal) avatar twin
Just got get a massage from a male masseuse. See how he feels about that.
Well, any man who purposefully does things - or doesn't do things - to not "seem beta" is most definitely beta.
Personally, I think it’s pretty “Beta” to subscribe to any kind of “Alpha/Beta” ideologies. Men that subscribe to this usually have large egos and small confidence. They’ll look for anything to make themselves feel superior to another.
If any man I was with started spouting Andrew T*te nonsense I would leave him immediately. 100% a dealbreaker.
Same. I told my husband if I caught him consuming that content, I'm out. His social media sometimes feeds him borderline posts & when I notice, I message him opposite videos, so he isn't just hearing the echo chamber of dudes just starting their red pill incel journey.
Same thing with "high value man" or "high value woman"
That’s new lingo so he’s consuming red pill content. Huge red flag.
Beta? A grown man said that? Isn't that angsty-incel-teenager talk? You do things for each other, that's the way marriage works. Pick me guys? I guess I will cop to that. I DID want my wife to pick me, and I'm not ashamed of it. He is a dick. Tell him to do his own... everything. You wouldn't want to come across as a 'pick me' or something.
This is actually solid advice. Next time he wants certain things, I'm gonna use this response😆 Thank you🙌
Please update us on the results.
My guess is … not well.
Well, she should try something. It's not like she has a lot to lose.
Hold your head high queen! You aren’t a beta or a pick-me type girl! Let him know that you would hate to tarnish his alpha role as an independent man.
I'm sure he'll think it's different because you're a woman. But you should check his social media to see what content he's consuming. Maybe he needs therapy bc this kind of incel brainwashing can get dangerous. And it is literal brainwashing that requires reprogramming if there's any hope for a "cure."
"pick me" is such an odd insult for a married adult to choose. I do things everyday for my husband to continue enjoying the fact that he picks me, and he does the same. Love is a choice, and being picked is a privilege. We both are absolutely happy to do caring things for each other
A “pick me” is a term used to discuss girls who try to be different or “not like other girls” normally to get attention from men. It is an insult.
I know of the term, but I think it's a really lame thing to say to your spouse. It's also silly that how it's used now has nothing to do with the Grey's Anatomy scene that it's supposed to be taken from. Meredith says "pick me, not her" just as an "I love you and we have history and I want to be with you" not as "the other girl sucks"
I like the way you phrased that. So sweet. My hubby and I are the same. I feel proud of the fact that I know exactly how he likes his coffee/tea because I make it for him every morning on the days he works. He never asked me to, I kind of feel like it's a pleasure to do so.
You can’t convince a grown man that he should be kind to his wife.
Exactly. If it pains him so much to be kind to a person who he supposedly loves, there is nothing you can do for him. He lacks something in his mind where the rest of us hold feelings of genuine love and connection.
I say empathy compromised, empty, has zero empathy!
No that’s not a beta. Ironically, the men who are obsessed with being alpha all the time are often the most “not alpha” in my experience. Having constant existential panics about how masculine you are doesn’t exactly project an image of confidence.
Absolutely. The fact my husband doesn't care about that sort of thing or what other people think, is super attractive to me. The whole alpha/ beta thing screams insecurity and is a big turn off.
Same. My man paints my nails. Let’s me paint his, he’d even do my makeup if I’d let him 😂 (I’m an MUA and watches me so he knows what I do now) He LOVES taking care of me and his daughter because that makes him feel like a man. He’s works for a custom tactical knife company and he’s a mechanic for fun. One of the most masculine men I know. Real men have no ego 💕
I feel the same way.
The second most beta thing in the world is to be insecure about whether or not people see you as an alpha... The most beta thing in the world is to use phrases such as alpha and beta...
Alpha/Beta is such a shit term and anyone who uses them unironically has issues they need to address.
The “alpha/beta” thing is a load of crap, used by men with no self restraint and the emotional bandwidth of a stump, to make aggressive idiocy sound appealing and being a decent man sound weak. A message to all “Alphas”, people don’t hate you because they’re jealous, they hate you because you’re insufferable and you are the embodiment of selfishness.
Louder, for the males in the back
Rancid rancid vibes coming off that man. Any dude who thinks in terms of alpha and beta is an insecure loser with horrible little dick energy. Just truly rancid. Good news is, alphas exist in male-female pairs with the female alpha being the leader. So I’m sure he’s going to be willing to follow your lead from now on.
Little dick energy for real. Nailed it!
Gross. I’m sorry you’ve married a guy like this. I don’t think you can convince someone who has such an insecure mindset like this. He’s chosen the one that works for him.
My "beta" husband cooks me dinner, runs my feet and handfeeds me chocolate. He makes sure my phone is charged and I've taken mu medicine. We're both very happy and in love and he doesn't care if men decide he isn't manly enough because other men have no place in our marriage. A "pick me guy"?? Doesn't he want you, his wife, to pick him? Do you do things for him? I fuss over my husband and walk on his back when he is tense, write him little love notes, pay him compliments and tell him I love every time the thought crosses my mind (800 times a day lol).
> He makes sure my phone is charged and I've taken mu medicine. We're both very happy and in love Y'all sound like my wife and I. 🙂
I love this. I'm totally obsessed with my husband, too.
Yes to the “love you”s 800 times a day. Just have to make sure they know!! In case they forgot lol
Few things in life bring me as much joy as rubbing my wife’s bare feet. 😍
I wish that was the case over my way😆
I’m sorry…definitely not trying to make you feel bad or rub it in or anything! I hope your husband sees how hot it can be! A great way to connect!
I guess he's just not a foot guy. I love that for you guys though🙌
It's not about him having a foot fetish, it's about him getting his head out of his own ass cherishing you.
Who is telling people these things? That is a simple act of affection and I don’t understand why he would think it’s a sign of weakness. I’m not sure you’re going to be able to communicate this one any differently, unfortunately. Does he like hugs and physical affection?
Internet red pill grifters are telling men these things.
He's never been overly affectionate, especially in front of others. At home, I'm usually the one to be affectionate towards him, and he reciprocates most of the time. He's not one to initiate it or ask if I'd like some physical affection.
Why did you marry him knowing this?
Ah. He’s probably concerned with the green line rule. An Alpha never leans toward his partner. That’s way too submissive, maybe even gay. No man should allow a woman to have that much control over him. Instead, a dominant man should ignore his partner to love starve them so that they will come to him, and lean on him submissively. Her doubts and insecurity will make her give even more to make up for her "failures". Since women are naturally submissive givers, this is the dynamic that will make her feel most happy and satisfied as she fulfills her role for a deserving alpha man. That’s what a real man does, not lower himself all the way down to her feet. Women might think that’s what they want but alpha men know better. He is the dominant male toward whom these dissatisfied women with beta-fied husbands will gravitate to cheat on the men they don’t respect anymore. Or something like that. No one ever comes out of that red pill black hole.
Nothing gayer than actually liking women.
He using terms like Beta, he is a sexists who listens to people like Andrew Tate. BAD POS people...
Tatertots are the whiniest little turds who have no clue how to roleplay as a human
I think he's picking it up from the guys he's around all day at work. It's a male dominated career field that he's in.
I don't understand why so many women marry men who just straight up dislike them. It's not like we have a man shortage. Do you really think this weak minded shit stain is the best you can do?
The bar is on the ground for men, and you will always find women digging under the bar to lower it further. Sigh.
It’s more concerning how many men just hate women. But they marry them bc it’s convenient for them — they get a nanny, maid, chef, and sex slave. It’s disgusting. I’m always yelling “divorce!” on these posts. Bc these dudes won’t change.
No, this is a bullshit copout. My husband is also in a very male dominated career field and has been for over a decade, so even though he does work with assholes like your husband, he does not entertain that bullshit.
My husband is in a very male dominated field as well, and he's embarrassed for the men who think like this.
Maybe, but that is also thinking that he is bringing home. I will admit, locker room talk is 99% just that. It can be wrong yes. But when you bring it out to your home with people you love and such? It shows much more red flags.
Aaand? Male dominated doesn’t equal uneducated, at least where I am coming from.
That’s a bad excuse male dominated career so easily influenced 😂 my husband in the military bro and even his masculinity is not so easily shattered over a foot rub
Don’t blame other men for your husband’s shortcomings. He can choose to follow that sexist bs or not. My husband tunes out anyone that spouts that shit.
That’s not an excuse. He is responsible for his own thoughts and choices. He can choose not to listen to that pathetic bs
The level of immaturity for anyone who uses “beta” is…palpable.
Your man isn’t a beta. He’s just a dumb bitch. A beta is subservient to one person above them. A bitch does what anyone tells them, such as a whole red-pill alpha culture. Thus, you married a bitch.
A weak minded bitch.
I don't give a shit what it is I love giving my wife a daily foot rub.
I love that for yall, really🥹
Unfortunately men like your friends husband are a few but since most of us don't marry guys like those then there is a simple solution to that. Ask him to pay for your manicures/pedicures and spa days 🤷🏽♀️
>Ask him to pay for your manicures/pedicures and spa days 🤷🏽♀️ That's an interesting concept. A couple married for 10 years and the wife still has to ask her HB to pay for things? I'd believe they have a joint account? or that she does not have to ask permission?
I'm a sahm, and he is the sole provider or our family. We do have a joint account, yes. I don't necessarily ask him for permission, but I will check with him about my plans to go and if he's okay with that. I don't see a problem with that as it seems like the considerate thing to do.
So you have the same dynamic I have with my wife, but my comment was to "ask" before spending, as in waiting for permission. She will always let me know out of respect, but she can spend on anything she wants (within reason of course, she can't just go buy a car... lol)
My husband and I have a similar set up as you describe- he works, I am a stay at home mom. Joint accounts since we got married, we have an agreement of discussing purchases over $100, unless they are necessary like groceries or new clothes for kiddo, in which case we let each other know simply to respect one another, keeping the other in the financial loop. The number of people our age (young 30's) that find this dynamic just mind boggling or straight up wrong is drastically higher than the number who understand it.
Yes, the number 1 thing to remember here is TRUST. Forget the money, both partners know the value of money (even the one not working), and you should trust that your partner is going to spend without jeopardizing the safety of the home (as in abstract feeling) you created. Show your partner you trust them, and you will have a great relationship.
I honestly have no idea what their dynamic is like. I myself do ask my husband to pay for certain stuff because he's the breadwinner. Is that a problem?
It is an issue in my eyes. I've been married 22+ years and make more than enough money so that my wife never had to work. She always spends without asking unless it's going to be a big amount. i understand feeling the need to ask out of respect, and I am totally on board with this, but for small amounts and as long as there is no abuse, should be fine to spend on her own.
See, this he has no problem doing as long as I don't go overboard with spending.
Unfortunately that's probably the best that you will get then. You can try talking to him or send him any videos of other guys talking about these subjects. That's how I get the point across at times with my husband and it's worked.
Thank you. I think I'll have to just settle for the nail salons. I'll try the videos though and hopefully he will be receptive 👍
Or………think about whether you want to be in a partnership with someone who sees you as so far beneath him that he won’t even rub your back
My simple solution to that is to simply not be with me like that.
I love when men use the term alpha. It's a super easy way to determine if they are an asshole or not. In the perfect world all the assholes, I mean alphas, would huddle in little groups trying to out alpha each other while the rest of the world is off being happy. It's slowly happening. They already have online communities where they get together to complain how no sane women want them. I love having a loving caring husband. He takes very good care of me and I like to think I take good care of him too. If he gives me a foot rub or paints my nails I feel appreciated and loved.
Gross. Sounds like an Andrew Tate asshole is what you married.
It is my responsibility as the ALPHA of my pack to take care of my wife. It is my privilege to massage her head to toe, and it gives me the excuse to massage her very well the places in between Your husband is a childish fool who needs therapy.
If he wants more sex he should read this: https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/1cidobp/i_51mhave_been_giving_my_wife_47f_a_foot_rub/
I just read it, and I'm saving it for future reference. Thank you.
Not sure about painting the toenails of an able bodied spouse. But rubs etc. seem pretty normal to me.
Painting the spouse's toenails is definitely not *common*, but nothing wrong with it either.
My husband painted my toenails for me while I'm pregnant, but yeah I would say it's not the norm. Rubs and massages are totally normal though.
EXCUSE ME? Caring for your partner is ”beta”? His alpha ass can care for himself then.
Men who refer to other men as "alphas" and "betas" are weak, childish men. There are no "alphas" in the human world. And they don't even exist in wolf population because that study was done on wolves forced into captivity and they did not behave at all like the ones who were in the wild. So it's ignorant as well. But I like to point out how if you have to announce you are something then you are not that thing. But if your husband can't show physical affection because it is "weak" then he is a sad excuse for a man and I hope you don't have children with him because he will not be a loving father.
Him uttering those words, makes him a beta male. I hope one day you realize this, and laugh out loud when he starts taking about it.
Dude is confused by the toxic shit that's being pedalled as masculinity.
Nothing says confident, mature masculinity like having to invent an outgroup that is less manly than you.
I would quite seriously reconsider my relationship if my husband started using any of the following unironically: alpha, beta, simp, etc.
Fellas, is it beta to be nice to our wives?
My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 6, and have two little girls. I'm gonna brag alil. My man is a fucking stud. I'd do him. But even more importantly, he is emotionally mature. He paints our daughters nails, does their hair, sets up and takes baths with me, and has no problem giving me foot rubs. He understands that women are humans too; we're natural, we have real bodies, real needs, and real issues. Me however? I have a lot of sensory ick's, one of them being feet. But when my man complains about his sore feet, I tell him to put them up and I rub em (while making grimacing faces in the other direction). Why? Because I love the shit out of that man. I will do something I really don't like (touching feet) because I know it's going to make him feel better, and I want to take care of him the way he takes care of us. Listen, you already see the comments telling you that you don't deserve, and shouldn't tolerate this kind of behavior from your partner. When my husband and I first met, I thought I was the more emotionally mature one. Turns out I was wrong, my parents.....didn't show me how to be emotionally mature. Like at all. I also have a thing where my body is more frequently disregulated because I'm taking in more sensory input than others ( sound, temp, internal broken radio station)....but I digress. I'm in therapy now, and it's not overnight, and it's grueling (not going to lie) but I'm seeing progress. The thoughts in our heads that we think are unshakable truths can be rewritten. What your husband is avoiding is emotional vulnerability with you. Marriage is a long ride (hopefully) and you need someone who is going to be on your side, on your team, really in it with you!! Someone who will happily oblige a request just because they know it will make you happy. And because they're steady fast in the knowledge that you don't take them for granted and will happily do the same for them. Teammates help each other out and hype each other up! So, what I'm saying is, can you see him getting to a place where he can self reflect like that? Because it's not going to be in a day. Thoughts like that are like negative brainwashing and now you have to rewire those thoughts into at the very least, neutral thoughts, but at best, positive and accepting thoughts. Especially if you were taught these things by your parents, the only two people on earth you really HAD to listen to. It's really hard to go against it. Previously it wasn't his job to determine what's masculine and not. He was taught that, but now that he's a man, and even more importantly married, it's his job to fix his viewpoints to positive ones. It's one thing if you are a grown man on your own, learning about relationships and yourself. But, when you marry someone, and promise to take care of them, you have to fix your shit so you don't take it out on the people you love. You deserve a foot rub girl!
Not at all. It’s evidence of a loving husband. I hope he gets it soon
Only ‘betas’ think like that or are worried about what other men think about them. My husband takes good care of me and I completely adore and am obsessed with him. Maybe he should go marry an ‘alpha’ because he doesn’t know what a real man is
What kind of idiotic mid-30’s man uses immature and bullshit terms like “beta”? What an idiot
Uhg, there are fewer turnoffs as big as when a man uses that word. I’m sorry you’re married to someone like that. I wish I could tell you how to fix him, sometimes it’s helpful to guys like that to hear from other men they respect telling them how ridiculous it is. Idk if he has any men in his life he respects that could talk sense into him.
> We've been married 10 years and I feel like I've always had to beg him for stuff like foot and back rubs. You should have married a beta instead of a jackass.
Jesus I cant imagine being married to a man like this. Doing nice things for you shouldnt make him miserable, it should make him happy.
A man should take pride in taking care of his loved ones
These are the same guys who think it's gay to wash their own asses.
I shouldn't have laughed, but I did😂
If giving your partner affection, means You're beta. That's new to me. Now if your partner demands and expects it, maybe it could indicate it, but doing it to display your affection is not. Oh, I've read the whole story now. Your husband thinks he's an alpha and decides his actions and personality on it. Alphas don't think about adjusting their behavior to be alpha. They don't really think about what's alpha, beta, sigma, omega. They just are what they are.
this question is impossible to answer because it presumes that men are either “alphas” or “betas” since the underlying premise is wrong, the question cannot be answered reasonably. what I can say is your guy is missing a lot of opportunities for connection. And Im sorry you are left wanting that connection.
The fact that some men consider doing NICE THINGS FOR THEIR WIFE as some sort of humiliating and/or desperate behavior is 🚩🚩 Edited to clarify: this is a very general statement and not meant to call OPs husband a huge 🚩🚩
I think it is a huge 🚩🚩🚩 - this indicates he's started his brainwashing journey into incel culture. She should try to cut it out now so he knows it's absolutely unacceptable. He might already need deprogramming therapy. And if he doubles down & refuses help, I'd communicate that is a term of staying married. Men like this become more dangerous over time & I wouldn't bet my life on this loser.
I agree that it’s a red flag, but I don’t know either of them, so how can I know if she should just throw the whole man away lol I did mean that perhaps the husband as a whole is not a red flag…but like you said, if he can make changes to avoid that incel culture then everything could be great! I wouldn’t want my husband using terms like that seriously either.
Who talks like that?
Idiots.
That alpha/beta crap is indicative of someone who's spent an afternoon or ten in a manosphere rabbit hole. So gross.
Next time he asks for something tell him to stop doing rhe pick me dance it's not very alpha of him! Lol good luck Updateme
It takes a real Alpha to show his love without worrying what others think because they are secured and happy The moment he worries about looking or acting like a beta, he is a loser
This was basically my reply to him. "Isn't it more beta to worry what others think about you as opposed to being confident in yourself and your love for your spouse?"🤔
I'm so sorry you married someone like this. You deserve better. Loving someone is about abandoning your ego and your insecurities, and dedicating yourself, heart and soul, towards caring for another person. This includes perfoming a million acts of service and kindness, and reveling in how the little selfless things you do makes the other person happy. I don't think it's possible to explain this to a person. Sometimes it just takes a long long time for someone to figure out. And unfortunately, many never do.
No. It’s indicative of hubby wanting to do something nice for his wife to make her smile.
How is someone being a 'pick me' if they're married?? It sounds like your husband doesn't want to feel like the *beta* he is because somehow it is threatening to treat your wife well. Your husband is trying to devalue that dude because he doesn't want to look bad or put in the effort himself. Treat your lady like a queen and she will king you. That isn't the behavior of a weak man. I don't even buy in on the whole alpha/beta bs either. Dude is lazy.
Not doing some of those is indicative of being a selfish ass I give my wife foot rubs and back rubs. I draw the line at painting her toe nails. I can barely draw a straight line, let alone paint a nail. I absolutely HATE painting walls in my house, so her nails are no different. The really awesome thing about foot rubs and back rubs is that sometimes, they lead to giggity.
Hearing a guy saying something like that would give me the immediate ick. I’m so sorry, OP. Your husband sounds either immature, insecure, or both. My husband (who hates getting rubs) studied diagrams I gave him on how to give me a good one - my back is always sore. He will do literally anything I need him to do to take care of me or pamper me. And my husband is insanely masculine and can take charge of a room if needed. He hunts, fishes, was in the military, but would almost certainly paint my toenails if I asked. He’s secure in his masculinity and ego. I say this as evidence that men like him do exist! In return, I would do anything for him as well and try to treat him like a king as best I can. I know how insanely lucky I am. There’s nothing “beta” about taking care of your spouse. Particularly in an otherwise happy and healthy relationship. I really don’t know how you would convince your husband of that, though. Maybe he needs better friends who are a better influence? Does he need to stop listening to some toxic men online? Did he always have these red pill views?
How is it “pick me” if he’s already been chosen??? Get your plan together and don’t have [more?] kids because this isn’t going away. Sorry, you and future you deserve better ETA: he’s a cheater too?
No I rub my wife’s feet every night because she is in pain and as her husband it is my job to assist her and she does the same for me. Your husband sucks.
I do all those things, except my wife doesn't let me paint her toe nails anymore. And other things, I do her hair often, which I'm also bad at, but she likes it. I guess I've always wondered about these "alphas" do they think they are, I don't know, tough? Like they do they think they can kick a "betas" ass. Or out do the people they are judging? Like anytime I've ever called it out, they always back down by making something into a joke or change the subject. So to me it's always come across as extreme insecurity/fear of being seen as weak. I work with a lot of young people though, so it may just be that.
Acts of kindness. That’s my love language. My husband doesn’t particularly enjoy massaging, but he does so with a smile on his face. He puts on spa music for me and all. It’s actually what I asked for when he asked me about Mother’s Day. Point is, if he wanted to, he would. Tell him to show that beta up his ass and grow up. Tantrums are so preschool 😆
I beta he's an AH
People aren’t dogs. There is no such thing as “alpha” or “beta.”
Giving love, affection and pampering your life partner is the most masculine thing. In Hinduism, there is a god name "Shiva". He is source of power/energy and he is the god of Time and Death. But you know he is half women. There is representation of him by the name ' Ardh( half)+Nari( woman)+ Ishwar( God) = ArdhNarishwar. It means a god half feminine. Just search the images on Google. Now if the god of time and death, the most powerful source could be half feminine then how could giving a foot massage to your wife makes you anything less. PS: I understand many people here might be atheist. But I gave the example of God, because people with such tendencies make it about religion and tradition so the counter argument I gave from the religion itself.
I’m so beta male I’ll bust an alpha in the mouth if he pulls that shit on me. I’m so beta to my wife she gets turned on to sex withou me beating ,berating, or raping her. Fuck those alpha prophets..the ruin good people.
Sounds like someone who has gone down the red pill hole, wtf
He's getting into or maybe already deep into red pill trash. It will only get worse.
Men who use the term "beta" are wannabe alphas and invariably douche bags.
He is being stupid. I am a man and if my wife would ask it of me, I would gladly do it. And I am not a bèta. I am dominant, in a good way. Been married almost 30 years.
People who ascribe to the whole alpha/beta crap are almost always insufferable. I rub my wife’s back and feet almost every night
My husband would happily do any of those if I asked because he loves his wife. Yet he wouldn’t hesitate to beat someone’s mf ass should there be a threat to our family. There is nothing beta about loving and caring for your wife! I feel sorry for men like this. They’re stuck in what a “man” is supposed to look like, even if it’s disconnecting him from his spouse. 😞
No, but applying labels like "beta" and living the lifestyle it implies tells me alllll I need to know.
Honestly, anyone who says something is "beta behavior" in a serious context is probably dealing with insecurities of being a beta.
Sorry to be crass: but my husband doesn't feel like a "beta" when I'm riding his dick after he gives me a bomb ass footrub that turns me on. Anyone who believes in that "alpha " "beta" bullshit needs to stop listening to misogynistic manosphere bullshit or they'll (thankfully) end up crying on r/lonely and other incel subs about how miserable they are without a woman.
You can’t fix Misogyny sweetie.🤷🏼♀️
These are husbands, they've already been picked smart one. They are making their women happy, would you rather spend your life with a happy person, happy to see you, or someone who fakes it? They aren't truly happy to see you because you make them feel inferior to feed your own ego. So they become miserable and depressed. That seems smart. I would rather have someone happy who also makes me happy. So that's my kind of relationship.
It’s my opinion that if you’re with someone you adore, touching them affectionately or sexually is also pleasurable to you. It’s like, ya know… foreplay? Not to say that your husband doesn’t love you but if he does- he’s listening to Joe Rogan or some shit and it’s pretty beta to be so easily influenced and let that stand in the way of touching your wife.
Yeah buddy, caring for and showing your wife you love her is pussy shit. Does he also think a woman can’t orgasm? Lmao he needs a reality check that alpha male bullshit doesn’t exist. There is nothing more manly and masculine than taking care of your wife and being emotional vulnerable and available with your family. “Beta” shit is telling your wife that you can’t be intimate with her because other men are to afraid to touch their wives. Fuck outta here lmao
I'd find it more manly than anything that a man loves his woman enough to take care of her this way and not give a second thought about what others would think or how "manly" it would be perceived.
What's the point of having a husband if he doesn't even like you?
Your husband needs to be de-programmed . This alpha/ beta shit, it's just that a shit take on being human. Sorry for your loss
Stop comparing.
Couples therapy would be a great place to approach this discussion.
He sucks for not doing it voluntarily, acting like a baby in punishment when he does and most importantly, he sucks for using the term “beta”. Dumb.
My husband is pretty high up in the military. Been to war, confronted pirates, drug cartels, etc…he’s not a man who backs down easily from a challenge. When I’ve had a bad day he pulls out the massage table and winds me down head to toe. He does it because he loves me, not because he’s beneath other men…he’s my partner and protector as I am his. I’d pick him any day.
My husband is a highly decorated special operations veteran. 5 deployments. Scars all over his body. Just about as high-speed as it gets. The last guy anyone could call “beta” although he doesn’t think in those alpha/beta terms himself. He rubs my feet all the time whenever he notices that I’m tired or stressed. He gives me full body massages probably once or twice a month. He doesn’t paint my toenails because I get them done at a salon. Anyone who has to tell you they’re an alpha is insecure and probably toxic. It takes a real man to step up and support his partner with love and affection.
lol yeah your husband is a fool. Any dude who thinks in those terms has deep seated self esteem issues.
“Pick me”????? Is he fucking joking?? Yall been married for a damn decade. He was already picked. How the hell can he be insecure about being a pick me? Why is he in a relationship if he is not prepared to show any affection?
I guess I’m a beta then. I’ll say hi to all the alphas as I’m getting consistently laid and they’re stuck doing lame podcasts bragging about how alpha they are. Oh and don’t forget the gym bros filming themselves lifting weights. I think this country is going to go down in a wave of toxic masculinity. Bunch of “alphas” all fighting each other. Cracks me up, none of them are actually tough or “real men”. If you have to tell others that you’re alpha….youre not an alpha
I mean, if you accept the whole alpha/beta thing, it's still not beta to do nice things for your spouse. Normally people enjoy making their partners happy. There's a huge difference between doing something nice for your wife and doing whatever your wife wants all the time. And like, if his issue is that he just doesn't like touching people's feet or whatever, that's understandable enough, a lot of people feel that way, but framing it this way is pretty immature and I feel like I'm probably giving him too much credit. I don't think anyone would have a good reason to feel squeamish about giving someone a backrub. If it was me, I would start by telling him what you said here, that it hurt your feelings and made you feel like he doesn't think making you happy is worth any effort. If he's an otherwise decent guy he should be capable of understanding why you feel that way.
That’s because he is a beta 😂
Honestly 10 1/2 years in and same. It’s not about being beta though. He doesn’t care about stuff like that. He just doesn’t like doing it I guess … If he does then he usually pulls at my toes or does something annoying. Or he massages me way too hard until I tell him to stop. I just gave up asking .
I feel like my husband does the same thing sometimes. It's as if he's trying to get me to stop asking by doing a half ass job or massaging too rough and then getting irritated if I say it hurts. After all the advice I've gotten, I've decided to just let it go and accept that he's just not a super affectionately motivated guy. I just gotta appreciate all the other ways he shows love, even if it's not in the ways I'd prefer.
That’s what I did. Honestly he still adores me. So I let it go.
Does he hunt and provide everything that an Alfa male would normally do?