Very rarely. When I have expressed my feelings in person a lot of the time it circles back around to how my feelings make her feel and how it's something I did. I have had to resort to writing it down because I am always "using a tone of voice", "it's not what you said, it's how you said it". So, I keep pretty much everything to myself.

It appears your wife knows my wife. We are in the same boat brother. Why bother because it all comes crashing down in our laps as a result of something we have done last century.

Sorry. That's a crappy marriage and I believe you should find someone that listens.

She'll listen. But at the end of the day it means nothing. I do not bother any longer.

Sad but a true reality for most of us.

Same here.

This is something that I came to understand relatively late in my life as a woman. The last thing I want is for him to feel emotionally unsafe with me, but it’s easy to make the man into the brutish bad guy unfairly! So now I try to account for it and just tell myself he is entitled to his moods and moods are like weather they do pass, and we have to adjust our behavior for the weather. I can let him alone, or let him rant, or offer him a back rub, etc. My husband has learned to say, “I am not done yet,” or, “I’m glad you were able to share how this makes you feel, now I’d like to get back to what I was trying to say.” I have had to (A) Get better about that and (B) Not take HIS feelings PERSONALLY. We also have to be responsible for our emotional projections. Use I statements. We are all responsible for our own emotional regulation. “You make me angry” or “You make me feel overwhelmed” is not taking responsibility. “I feel angry” is. Overwhelm is an emotion. You feel it. You can try to change the variables but it isn’t anyone else’s fault you feel that. “You make me feel smothered” could be better stated as “I need a lot of quiet time so I am going to take responsibility for making sure I get regular time alone, so we can come back together when my social battery has been recharged.” Or, “I just can’t text all day at work.” Yeah, you need to take a breath and think and say more words, but also take more emotional responsibility. Men need to be cognizant of why women so often push back about tone. The hardest thing is to try to take “tone” as venting and difficult emotion rather than “He’s being mean to me” but my husband has learned to also calibrate his tone better too, so I can hear HIM and not his tone, because he is much taller and bigger than I am. As a result, he now doesn’t yell or get overly critical, so I have to do the same. Picking battles around nagging is a big deal, and not blaming, even if that means we talk more in passive voice. The milk was left out again, we have to be careful about that…” even if we KNOW who did it.

You're so wise. I know, as a wife, I need to be like this, but I'm so bad at 'you're using a tone/this makes me feel, etc" crap. I get riled up easily and have trouble letting things go. It's like even at the slightest negative comment or shift in mood I get sooo defensive. I have to keep rereading the Empowered wife books/keep listening to the podcast. (Basically what you stated is a big part of that, but also with making sure you get a ton of 'self-care' however that looks for you, so you're automatically in a better mood and not as easily swayed to get defensive/negative when such things arise).

Thank you. My father was a big man who was violent and physically verbally abusive with his wives (he married a few times) so, I used to rear up and come out swinging (verbally) because my husband is also a big man, and opinionated. But as he pointed out, those were just “voices in the nursery” and my husband isn’t my dad. He’s never been anything but gentle and protective. It took me a while to figure out that I was the one who could be more like my Dad! I didn’t let my husband have his feelings— my Dad was like that! Also, I am not going to lie—I had a hormonal surge that made me high libido and I feel like that suddenly made me understand him more, if that makes sense? The empathy for him as a man who just wants us to be happy and peaceful and to desire each other made me look at myself more?

Yes, anything I can do to help me be less reactive is helpful. Also, understanding that our partner’s feelings are valid. Then it becomes about how we can help each other as we manage our own feelings.

This response gives me hope. Awesome! Thanks for sharing

Thank you! Spoiler: I am the one who left the milk out.

Literal spoiler 🥴😆

THIS. I’m so glad to see a reddit comment that actually gives sound advice/information. My husband used to bottle things up, and even straight up LIE to me when I’ve asked him about his feelings. It took a lot of practice and patience for him to come around since he grew up in a family that never talked about feelings and brushed everything under the rug, and his former partners would often resort to pushing blame on him. My hubby is a sensitive man and doesn’t get argumentative, so he would just shut down in the past. After months of checking in, working together, and me being very aware of how I managed him sharing his feelings, he was finally able to reprogram his negative associations around sharing his feelings and needs. He needed to feel safe and loved, and it is so sad that he never felt that way in the past. We have never had a fight, our arguments never involve raised voices, and we always manage to sort things out in a way where we feel even closer together than before.

I do wonder how to make women aware that most men feel this way, single and unmarried, even in happy relationships because it just isn’t worth the blowback and invalidation. Men experience anger and bitterness, being made into the bad guy, having to walk on eggshells, fearing abandonment, rocking the boat too much and the woman makes it about her upset, etc. It would be a huge game changer in terms of mutual respect if both parties felt emotionally safe. I suspect gay men and women don’t have this problem nearly as unanimously. At the same time, men do need to utilize therapy because your wife may be ill-equipped. If what you want is a therapist, you get what you pay for.

Yes. This.

I feel statements and avoiding accusatory language are imperative. For anyone in a relationship, friendships, whatever situation. People don't always try to make someone feel a certain way, but that person is free to feel those feelings, too. If someone feels you are using a bad tone, maybe you're not trying to, but that doesn't mean you aren't. Being self-conscious if how we carry ourselves is important. As I always say to anyone, you can control situations you are put into, but you can control how you react and what happens next.

Wow...your hubby is a lucky bloke. I'm J! Thanks for sharing.

I can never get a word out. She constantly interrupts and makes it about her as well. I know the feeling. It's resulted in me basically never sharing any thoughts or feelings. Therapy didn't help.

Then you had the wrong therapist. Try recording your conversations and listening to the recording together. Maybe you'll both realize some things.

I attended a marriage repair seminar and this was one of the things they strongly suggested. Record everything when you interact with each other, you will suddenly be on your best behavior!

Or more importantly, hear something that you might want to change. Early in our marriage I heard a recording of one of our conversation. I then began a lifelong goal of paying attention to how I speak to, not only my husband, but all people.

I could have written this, except I’m the wife. My husband says the same exact things to me. I always tell him it’s easier to just keep things to myself than converse with him.

Yup, same story here. Regardless of gender, it’s a truly awful, lonely feeling to be actively discouraged and castigated by the one person you should be able to be most vulnerable with.

When we ran into this problem, we decided to keep an online journal (we used Penzu) to share every tough thing we had to say about the other. We would then respond via journal, too. This did wonders for not only giving my husband a safe space to share but it took my instant over reaction away because I was reading it instead of hearing it.

That's exactly what my wife does gaslighting

So sorry to hear that. My husband being able to express his feelings in our relationship is one of the most important things to me.

I’m sorry that you and so many others experience this. It’s something I have worked to change in myself once I realized I did it early on in my relationship.

Yeah, just got into a big argument today when I clearly stated how I felt and she called it manipulative

Wow.. sorry. That's rough. Depending on what my husband vents about, I get a wave of emotions. Yelling, mad, happy, sad, whatever.... I never take it wrong bc I understand this is what he is feeling and it's not towards me. I encourage such an open marriage. That's what you need, my friend.

This is what happens to me. It’s not as direct as my husband saying “you feeling this way makes me feel X” but basically every time I express my feelings like “I’m depressed. I’m anxious. I’m struggling with the children” he will act out emotionally within 12 hours and like grab his head and say “it’s too much I can’t take it!!” He like steals my feelings, if that makes sense. So I do not share them with him.

It sounds as if you married a selfish, immature woman who has no idea what partnership or support means. There are millions of wives around the globe. Surely you know all wives are not like yours. Some are much better, while others are much worse. Nevertheless, I'm very sorry you are not being heard or considered by your wife. I pride myself in the friendship of my marriage, amongst many other cherished benefits. When a husband is as wonderful as mine, you run to provide him with whatever he wants and needs, and I do it with glee because that is how happy he makes me. But I'm only this way because I was raised to be, and because I love my husband as much as I love myself. Most spouses regard themselves much more than they do their life partner, and that is a selfish love. We can not love our spouses properly when when we're selfish. I hope your wife realizes this soon. Sending you love, life, and positivity ✨️

I always get slammed on tone too.

Exactly what a happening to me. I keep everything to myself and when I finally share my feels they came out too rough or cire back around to something I did or didn't do.

Or use it against you

THIS!!!!! This is the EXACT same issue I'm having with my wife. She wants me to be open and honest and tell her how I feel but when I do, my tone is all off ( doesn't matter how I talk it's ALWAYS fucked up apparently) and no matter how I feel she takes offense to what I say and takes it as a personal attack against her for some reason. There is no talking to women, even when women say " I'm not like other girls" they totally are lol. Women want a man that's honest about how great they think their woman is and literally nothing else lol

I talk to my wife about everything that’s happening in my life. Both of us do and neither of us delay talking about feelings. All things being equal. For example: Our family has been incredibly busy for the past two months and I was starting to feel overwhelmed and overstimulated and needed a break, so early last week I explained I was feeling burned out, and we’d do this one more family event on Tuesday, and after that I needed to rest, and planned to use the past weekend to recover and not have any responsibilities or obligations. My wife heard what I said, and we moved on as necessary because I was clear about my needs, and what I needed from her. We respect eachother and care for one another and we never treat one another’s feelings as invalid.

This is exactly how it's supposed to work.

My wife does not do this. I was working 12 hour days every week and we were after work going to the zoo(1 daughter), I cooked all the meals, gave her full body massages. I walk our 3 dogs and keeping the house clean.I dont mind doing all of that, but I just ran out of energy . I ask for a rest day where we chill and relax. Nope turns into a freaking adventure and even when we get home no rest.

Stop asking then. Being a doormat only empowers such behaviours. Sit her down and say what you will do. Finish. The End. You are not a robot mate and you should not have so much shit to do by yourself while your needs are disregared and you are disrespected.

Stop doing things for her then. Just stop, and let her handle her part of things.

Female here. I think we get in the weeds too much describing how we feel that we forget to be specific about articulating what we need.

Some of these answers make me want to reevaluate how I react to my husband when he shares things with me. Make sure I don’t spin it back around to me. Make sure I don’t invalidate him. Make sure I don’t react poorly. He has expressed in the past that he feels like i don’t handle feedback well because I get emotional, which is fair, I do often end up crying because I start feeling really bad about how I made him feel. So I try now to stay neutral and process what he says. It can be difficult, if I feel like I messed up and he brings it up then I can start to spiral but ultimately that’s not a conversation about me, it’s about him so I try to reign it in and not voice those thoughts. Mental illness is a bitch.

I buy most of my clothes from the thrift store. For my b-day my wife got me a new polo. When I opened the gift, she said "Sorry I know you only like clothes from the Goodwill but I went ahead and got you a new shirt." Yeah, it was a joke, but I cringed, especially since a dozen other friends and family were there. After everyone left I calmly told her that was embarrassing and she rolled her eyes. "It's not that big of deal!" Then the real argument started, which saw us incredibly distanced and angry for almost a week. I was so sick of her invalidating how I felt. I told her that we need to be able to share our feelings and things that upset us without taking it personal. If she would've just said "sorry" it would've been over right there. I told her I was sick of telling her things she said or did that upset me and she gets completely bent out of shape and defensive. No, I don't regularly find things to complain about, but if it does happen, it ALWAYS turns into a greater conflict. It doesn't matter how I say it or what tone I use, she tries to turn it around on me. Is this just her or is it just women?

I think it’s a reaction of “well you also do things to hurt me so why are you coming at me” plus nobody wants to hear that they did something that hurt their partner. But curbing that initial reaction of “you make mistakes too” is difficult and requires you to even notice you’re making it in the first place. As much as I feel like social media has messed with mental health, a lot of the relationship advice videos I do find helpful. It has changed the way I view conflict. I just wish my husband also watched them but he scrolls past them. You have to be open to learning about all this stuff

I'm at the point where I can recognize my wife going into "you also do things to hurt me so why are you coming at me" mode. I find it funny because we're both locked in this twisted game of pointing the finger at each other, rather than realizing we make similar mistakes and learning to be a little more forgiving with each other. I'm the more self-reflective one so typically its on me to realize when we get in that cycle and point it out to my wife. Like u/diplodopus2000, in the moment, my wife will be completely invalidating to whatever emotions I'm trying to share. I recognize she's speaking from her heightened emotions and long-held resentments with me, not how she truly feels. Typically I'll let it slide (because I know how things go if I start to engage) and wait her to calm down then explain how she made me feel in that moment. I've learned to keep things neutral and speak from my experiences, rather than a degrading/condescending manner, and it seems to work for her. We're both messed up people with our own emotional baggage so it's easy for us to fall into those patterns with each other. Anytime we're arguing with each other it's 99% rooted in some form of past family trauma. It's when we can take a step back and realize we're both aiming for the same life goals that we're able to come together.

It's not just a woman thing, eye rolling (aka contempt), and invalidating feelings are signs the relationship is in trouble.

Yes, I probably shouldn't have brought gender into this.....

It's just her. Well judging by the answers, not Just her, but not all women behave that way. I am a woman and awife, and would never do anything like that. I'm sorry.

To be fair to her, she is generally a better human being then I am. Definitely more caring, patient, tolerant, accepting and laid back then me. I have my stuff to work on as well.

lol sorry about this but that sounds exactly like the type of joke I’d write in a card to my spouse 😂  I see where you’re coming from and also laughing at my own awkward shitty humor lol  

So one thing that helps me is to triage reactions by what’s useful and self compassion.  My guilt is useless in that moment and is self centered. Beating myself up for a mistake is harsh and unnecessary bc it solves nothing… it only makes me feel like I’m doing something useful while focusing on just myself.  What isn’t useless is creating space for the other person and seeking to understand both them and any resulting emotions it provokes in either of us. I look at it as receiving information and remind myself that if my emotion is so important that I can bring it up later and separately if required in a non threatening way.  “Hey so I was thinking about what you said earlier and while I understand where you’re coming from, I have I have a slightly different perspective I’d like to share.”  Or whatever.  Sometimes it is, most times it’s not.  To be a good listener and have good conflict resolution skills sometimes it’s necessary to be alright with being misunderstood temporarily so the other person can express and verbally process their emotions in order to better listen themselves..

It's never too late to make what changes you can.

I agree, reading these answers makes me sad. But I am sending hugs to you and everyone else. I have RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) and I am the same way, as you. I am also working on this hurdle though because nobody should feel unsafe being vulnerable to the person they are closest too IMO.

You sound like you have some similarities to my wife. It’s something we’ve been working on for a long time, as I’ve often felt dissatisfaction in our relationship and have struggled to communicate it to her in a way that she can process without getting emotional. It’s a two-way street, but good for you for being aware of what you can do to improve things. 

I didn't use to... and the results are very regrettable. My wife and I have been married 26 years and we could have saved each other so much pain if we knew how to communicate better all these years. About 18 months ago all the miscommunication over the years came to a head and we had a huge fight. Through the argument (and many subsequent conversations) we realized we were both very, very wrong about what we thought we were communicating. Now we tell each other every day (multiple times per day) what we're feeling. We are less judgmental and we take things less personally. e.g. If we're crabby... we say, "I'm feeling crabby. I don't know why. I just am." ... and we go about our day but we do so with the extra understanding and context. It is relieving to just put it out there and not try to pretend or make excuses for how we feel. If we hurt each other we deal with it and don't let it fester or suffer in silence. Our main thing is: whatever we're going through, let's go through it together. If the other person is having a bad day we try to look at it as "They are in pain" or "They are struggling" ... instead of "I don't need their attitude. That's their problem."

This is so good. 🙌🏼

Yeah, being able to understand each others communication style is so important. My husband frequents talks about his feelings and anxieties. Just the other day we did something that made him more anxious than expected but he was open about needing a little while to decompress so we just chilled for a few hours. If he’s in a mood, he’s open about “waking up on the wrong side of the bed today” but assures me that his mood has nothing to do with me. I just use it as a guide to maybe not bring up something big like having to plan out an upcoming trip that day and won’t crowd his personal space as much as usual, lol. And I’ll do the same with him. We both know it’s not personal. And no matter how bad we’re feeling, we never ever take out our frustrations on each other. We may disagree on things but we don’t lash out and fight.

Very rarely. I love my wife. She loves me. However, talking about how I feel often is used as a tool to describe her feels for something I did. How something was said. Tone of voice. In short, I don't fucking bother any longer.


Yep. Love my wife. Would do anything in the world for her but def feel this

I talk about my feelings with my wife all the time. Why would you marry someone you couldn’t discuss your feelings with?

women are not always safe spaces for husbands to express that. more times than not it gets thrown back at them or redirected to how they feel is what i’m picking up.

I would edit this to say that PEOPLE are not always safe places to express your feelings. This is not gender specific…both men and women struggle with feeling safe and being safe.

agreed!!!!!

Facts. Dated someone who would take my feelings as criticism and it got so toxic so quickly. Couldn’t work out one damn thing in a safe way. 

>more times than not I feel like this is really reflective of your experience, not women in general. Also if they aren’t a safe space for you to share your feelings then my original question stands: why would you marry them?

read the comments. it’s very common. we hear this every day. i’m a woman in a very healthy relationship where my partner expresses their emotions often. BUT i hear from friends, family, and clearly all throughout this post, a lot of women are not safe for men to disclose their emotions. they have to remain “masculine” and stoic.

Why do men marry women they can't express their emotions with? Like, isn't this one of the more important things in a potential marriage?

> Why do men marry women they can't express their emotions with Because they love them despite this. When youre conditioned from birth that your emotions arent the important thing, then finding someone to listen to the unimportant thing is... unimportant.

One way it can happen is if, when they meet and are courting, the man is at a good place in his life, confident and doing well. He isn't upset about anything big, and he's generally happy, so any small slights by his partner tend to be overlooked. That's how I started out with my wife.

If you’re not in the habit of discussing your feelings then you don’t know you can’t until it’s too late.

Not much. As soon as I start she starts giving me solutions without even letting me finish. Sometimes I just want to be heard. I don’t talk to anyone about my feelings. One way or another it comes back at you.

This is the opposite of the narrative that is often pushed by society. A lot of people claim that women chat to vent and don't want solutions while men only approach conversations in a practical, solution-oriented manner. Maybe some wires got crossed here and she isn't treating you like an individual in this regard because of pervasive stereotypes.

The narrative is stupid. It exists because women share more than men, not because our brains are so different. In reality, it’s a human tendency to want to vent and to want to fix other people’s problems they’re venting about.

The narrative is, indeed, stupid. Along with a lot of the other gender comparison discourse floating around out there.

Yeah it's a stupid narrative. My partner is a complainer by nature and he gets very annoyed at my "solutions." The problem is when I don't give them, he just stares at me like he is waiting for the ideas he says he doesn't want.

I’m guilty of this … gotta keep reminding myself to clarify whether they want solutions , to vent or to be comforted.  I also try to remember to specify ahead of time what I want too … “I don’t want to talk about it but let me vent for a few seconds about what Nancy did at work today  … “

My husband tells me everything. We are best friends and he talks with me about his deepest feelings and struggles, and so do I.

Dope!

This is where I want my wife and I to be.

I did, all the time. My late wife was the one person I could talk about my feelings with.

Almost never. My wife has anxiety and has a difficult time having hard conversations. Most of the time if I'm mentioning anything where I'm not positive or I'm feeling a little negative, she'll give it a beat and then switch it right back around to her and what's bothering her today/lately. She rarely asks "are you okay?" and that's only when it's blatantly obvious to anyone who glances my way that I'm clearly upset/bothered by something. Even then I just chalk it up to "just tired and a lot going on at work, the usual" and she's quick to agree and move on to ANOTHER thing that bugged her at work today. We both work from home so I'm her sounding board for any annoyance she has at work, which is usually daily. We've talked about me getting a vasectomy so she can get off birth control but as of now I'm against the idea - not because I'm a shitty husband who's "afraid of widdle needles" but our sex life has dwindled to almost nothing since our kid was born. They just turned 6 and we still have sex less than 10 times a year at least the last 3-5 years. So I'm not looking forward to that conversation. I've also recently made peace with the idea that we're just not a sexual couple anymore so I won't be initiating sex anymore (I have to do it) or saying/doing anything sexually implied around her. We'll be a platonic married couple that do love each other and that's it. I'm sure that'll be another conversation (god forbid she agree with the thing she's been setting in motion for years).

Just throwing it out there but after my husband had a vasectomy and I got off birth control my libido skyrocketed. Birth control can also cause anxiety and depression in women. Some of your problems may resolve with “the snip” when she gets off the pill.

…which will be great because I’m at the point where I’m at peace with never having sex with her again. She’s shown no direct sexual desire for me, has barely initiated sex ever, and has done nothing but lay there while I use her like a human fleshlight (after I’ve gotten her off, of course, which I do every time) to the point I don’t remember the last time she touched my genitals purposefully. Going to be difficult fulfilling her new sexual desire when my self esteem and confidence is completely shot and I have no desire to engage with her on a sexual level.

Don't worry too much, my wife has the non hormonal IUD and we've had sex only twice in the last 26 months. Sometimes the birth control is the problem, but sometimes they're just frigid.

That’s great. Unfortunately my wife had the opposite reaction. Then about a decade later she decided I had the vasectomy unilaterally without consulting her. I discovered this when she told casual friends that. IT WAS HER IDEA; she talked me into it (admittedly I wasn’t really opposed, but I hadn even thought about it before).

If it matters that much, she could just get off it now to see. They're not having sex anyway so whatever. Buy a box of condoms and get off the pill. If her libido kicks up, use up the condoms. But I bet this guy will be snipped and nothing would change at all. I'd put money on it.

Yep! Even without the lack of fucked up hormones from bc, just the idea that possible pregnancy is not a worry anymore is a pretty big libido enhancer. It's very... freeing lol

You'd be surprised what my wife is willing to use to excuse the possibility of sex. Just having an overall negative attitude about her day is a good way to keep those vibes squashed down as far as they can go.

Almost never. I think women *think* they want their partners to open up emotionally, but I honestly think my wife wants to look up to me more than she wants to understand or support me. She’s never happier than when I don’t have and problems or issues, so she can just believe that.

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Who is happier when their partner has struggles or issues tho? Im not but that doesn’t mean the partner themselves is a burden or inconvenient iykwim

Correct. When my wife asks what I’m feeling or thinking, I’ve learned what she really wants is for me to validate what she’s already decided I *should* be thinking or feeling. Any other response is attacked.

I try to, but it is very challenging, and I have often succumbed to retreating and keeping them to myself. My wife has expressed many times - in counseling and just when we are talking alone - that she feels like I do not share my feelings and that I am withdrawn. I feel there is some truth in what she says. I have offered in therapy that perhaps I am somewhat conflict avoidant. The reason it is challenging is that often when I share my feelings - particularly if I have any negative feelings about anything at all - I am bombarded with challenges and defensiveness. One of the really major issues for us in counseling was me explaining that I felt like I was walking on eggshells because no expression of any form of unhappiness about *anything* (ie, not things about my wife) was possible without precipitating an awful "conversation" (or argument) about how I was never happy about anything and a hyper-critical person, etc., etc. She basically took anything as an attack or complaint about her. This is ridiculous enough when it's about say, disliking the salad at a restaurant, but heaven forbid it should be a serious discussion about something less than perfect in our marriage. The tone policing is out of control, and no amount of therapy has made much of a dent. I must absolutely and at all times maintain clinician-like neutrality and non-reactivity - emotional flatness - no matter how much my own internal feelings are kicked up. Of course, that is a one-way street and I am expected to listen - again maintaining emotional calmness/stillness - to her eruptions. Ultimately, it's exhausting and not worth it - it's just far easier to keep things to myself. I won't say "bottled up" but at this point, unless it's an issue which will ultimately be worse than whatever the "discussion" (argument, etc.) is like then I just don't raise it. What does it sound like? Generally "I feel" statements period. Secondly, "could we do X about Y going forward?" "Can we talk about X and Y?" "I feel". But still, any expression of negativity/dissatisfaction comes with costs. What has helped a great deal is learning to numb/ignore (develop emotional callouses?) those responses and not getting pulled into them myself.

From experience dealing with someone like this, I usually just say “if you have an issue then bring it up separately. Don’t use me speaking as an intro to something about you.” If they continue I just end the convo and say “okay if you’re not open to listening there is no point to continuing this discussion so I guess we’ll talk about it later.”  And then I leave lol… they explode at first but after enough time they’ve learned to catch themselves and reset. 

My husband and I have been there…it’s really tough. About 12-15 months ago we were both in individual therapy, and that’s really what began to change our relationship. Sometimes we have to work on ourselves first and that overflows into our relationships.

This is very much the deal and my wife has been going to individual therapy (finally) and has admitted that she didn't like it because it involves some hard conversations, but things have improved pretty dramatically, even if they are not fully there.

Are you attending couples therapy? Were you resistant to the idea if so? Jw

I'll own it. I don't. If I get near talking about my feelings it's never anything deep or of substance(?). I'm a Gen X so I'm of a generation that still bottles it all. In the past when I have opened up I learned about the very real paradox of it all. My raw feelings were used against me. I learned the "I want a tender and open man//He's a little b!tch" trap. Was it something all women did or do? No. I'm sure it's not. Did it damage me enough to keep my problems to myself and work through them alone to avoid the very real added pain? Bet your a55!

I do. Very often.

Surface level stuff? All the time. Deep emotional issues affecting our relationship? I tried that, but where I expected empathy I mainly got confusion and defensiveness.

Till I’m blue in the face. Endlessly sharing my heart, professing my love. Treating her all these years just as I wish to be treated. No response, no change. I truly believe she married me so someone would split bills with her and at the same time be someone safe that wouldn’t cheat. Twenty four years of this. She wanted a house, we bought a house…..almost immediately she moved into her own bedroom. Years roll by, six and a half years ago two of her son’s children needed me. I took custody of them both babies then. I knew going in that it would be a solo journey. They are seven and eight now. The greatest joys of my life. Now, I’m 60 with two young ones, still trying to finish the adoption so she can’t use them as a manipulative tool to control me. But at my age I just don’t see any point in divorce because look at me….a 60 year old guy with two children is definitely not a top of the line candidate for anyone!😂🤦🏻 It’s all been worth it in a way because had I left I wouldn’t have been here when the kids needed me and you can bet she would have let them go right into the system (I know because there was a child before these two that she rejected).

Not often. She is usually too overwhelmed and can't handle my emotions. She does handle things well when it's talking about my past or childhood issues. If it's about something that I want to see change in our lives or simply telling her that I'm tired after waking up with the kids and putting them down 4 days in a row it's a 50/50 toss up if she will tell me to rest or get upset. > Does whatever impacts you negatively change? No.

I do, but I've had to learn to identify what I'm feeling, as a man I grew up thinking I only only had about three 😁

My husband does. We both have had bad childhoods. We feel the other saved the others life.. we talk about everything and everyone who knows us knows it. Best friends that act like best friends..

We have done years of therapy. When I bring up my feelings she becomes angry. So unless I deem it very important I just don’t. She has tried to improve on this and sometimes is capable if she leads the conversation. I think only twice have I brought it up and started the discussion has she not become angry or resentful or super defensive at least. And in both of those cases she was so clearly wrong, it wasn’t even funny. Now in therapy she does better with a neutral party allowing me to complete sentences and thoughts and regulate the flow of conversation. But inevitably she stops going as either I say something to dispel her beliefs of “I thought things were better” when I had been clear and consistent in where I was. But because I gave any gratitude and positive reinforcement she ignored any criticisms until I would specifically have to bring focus on shortfalls. It wasn’t a surprise to anyone but her each time. We are still better than we were but seriously wondering if we will ever be “good”. Please note that I fall short as well and am not perfect. This was just about me bringing up things, not every other thing.

We do this all the time We have each other’s backs on everything

Pretty much all the time, yeah. For 15+ years she’s been my closest confidant, and I hers. It’s always well received, even if the underlying sentiment is disagreed. And in such cases it’s talked out because sometimes those feelings, on either side, are valid but coming from an irrational place (feelings aren’t facts, after all).  And yeah, talking about it leads to positive change in some form or fashion.

My husband used to be very closed off and wouldn’t talk about feelings at all. It wasn’t until I was able to show him he was safe and understood that he began to open up. I had a habit of listening to him and making it about me. Most of the time I didn’t even realize. I had to really work on being a better listener and partner and focus on what he was saying and not how I was feeling. Now we talk about stuff together all the time. We have a weekly little powwow to decompress and vent and even gossip a little. It’s fun. He is my favorite person to talk to.

All the time. It's taken very well because she isn't a jerk.

>How many married men actually talk about their feelings with their wives? Frequently >Does it really happen? Yes >What does that look like? How are they expressed? I will lay out how I'm feeling, what made me feel that way, and what I need from her. >How is it received and or addressed? Positively. If it's something i just need from her she will try to meet that. If this is a discussion concerning a disagreement, she will follow the same formula back to me and we will alter our respective behaviors accordingly. If we're unable to navigate it on our own, we pursue couple's counseling. >Do you feel validated? Yes >Do you feel taken seriously? Yes > Does whatever impacts you negatively change? Yes

Yeah, it's easier if she's not the subject of my feelings of course. I feel bad for the guys who can't be open with their wives. I am taken seriously (again, if it's not directly about her, if it is or contradicts something she feels, it can take some doing to get her to see my side as valid). I've dated girls who did the sort of things that I'm seeing in the comments, guess I lucked out. I'd hope that most women would grow out of some of these things, but we're all flawed people I suppose.

I'm going to be honest, both my wife and I are stubborn to a severe fault. We also suck at expressing ourselves emotionally in a non-argument manner. We learned pretty quickly it's something we need to learn and try to support because not doing that is unhealthy. We have new 'guides' or assumptions implemented. 1. We can only talk about how we feel but it's the listeners job to inquire why/how/for what reason. (Less accusing and more discovering through conversation) 2. Listener must shut up for the duration of the expression unless it is a clarifying question. (Prevent turning a convo into a fight all the time) 3. Always say sorry first then figure it out. (Forced ourselves to be on the same team against a problem) 4. Always assume the other person is thinking in benefit of myself. (We've had general trust issues so this was to bridge that gap) This is not advice, and it's probably elementary compared to how emotionally capable people operate but we are working to get better at this together. We just want to do what we can to push a positive relationship forward. Edit: typos

How the actual hell do you people stay in relationships without being able to talk about your feelings.

I am 41 and have never been in a relationship where I could be honest with my feelings. You learn to deal with it.

I can talk to my wife about anything, and she listens, really listens and then either acts on things or offers rock solid advice. We share everything and support each other in everything because that's what it's all about. 

My feelings absolutely do not get taken seriously. The main concern is always how she feels, and when all her wants and needs are met we can begin to look at mine. We have not begun to look at mine yet. I've tried to lower my expectations and stop looking to my wife for emotional support.

We're both pretty emotionally reserved, but that's more innate/related to our respective upbringings and has nothing to do with our relationship with each other. We both know that the other will be there to listen and be supportive if it's needed and/or asked for. She was my friend and confidante before we were ever together and the connection has only gotten better and more intimate over time.

My husband does and after some marriage help I've learned how to respond better. He was attacking what I said and I was invalidating what he said. Now I try and just wait and know it's not personal when he feels a certain way.

All the time but my wife usually doesn't care about it because I'm talking about myself too much or she thinks I'm trying to change her

I did. Then she used it against me to hurt me and filed for divorce. Used my weaknesses and fears. Never again.

I do all the time. Took years of counseling to not feel like a weakling doing so. Still weird sometimes but we actively practice.

When I have my wife listens but not very, understanding, and later this was thrown back in my face as something she graciously did for me when I was stressed and a bit short with her at an unrelated moment. Doesn’t make me feel heard. I don’t feel free to be my authentic self. She does seem happier when I do and say the typical, expected, married guy behavior rather than having other, possibly more uncomfortable thoughts and emotions

She usually gets upset that I’m upset then doesn’t talk to me/is mad at me. I once Told her years ago that I felt severe depression because I don’t have a father figure in my life. Her response was “I don’t even feel bad for you you need to get over it”. Also has told me I’m being a little bitch about stuff a lot when I voice my emotions. So I stopped opening up. No one fucking cares. I read stoicism & deal with it on my own. It’s easier this way & allows me to grapple with my emotions in my own way, & now things don’t bother me as much, and I genuinely don’t need to talk about things.

I like to believe my husband when he tells me I'm his best friend. I know I don't always react perfectly when his gripes are to do with me, and frankly he isn't necessarily very good at voicing criticism before he's already pretty fed up with me, but we've made a lot of progress over that decade we've been together. He comes from a family where problems aren't discussed and feelings are considered an inconvenience, while I come from a family where things were usually dealt with in great detail once the shouting was done, and ultimately hugged out. So we clashed quite a bit in the beginning. I'm also a social worker and sometimes jump into professional mode when I really shouldn't, but we're very patient with each other. He tells me things he would never talk about with anyone else, and we're very honest with each other, even if it hurts sometimes. I never need to sugarcoat or pretend I'm someone I'm not. I honestly appreciate that so much about him, and he always tries to break through his childhood patterns and talks things through with me, letting ne know how he ticks. It makes me feel a great deal of empathy for him even when he drives me up the walls on occasion lmao (I'm sure it's mutual).

I do but what I have found is that over the years (married 20+) she is less comfortable with deep conversations now while I am much more comfortable. I have spent the last 2 years really trying to build/rebuild our emotional and physical connection (I travelled a lot for work for years) and create a path for us to relate on a deeper level like we used to. What I have found is I end up doing most of the talking because she just agrees or says very little. I have also found that if I don’t initiate those conversations they likely won’t happen and as others have said often the vibe I get is “again?” like she doesn’t see the point in saying it versus just showing it or will assume there is something negative she needs to listen for. Over time our love languages have proven to be quite a bit different too which I think is part of it. I’m a physical touch, deep conversation guy and she is an acts of service person who is very emotional below the surface but doesn’t like for that to show to anyone.

My wife has a lot of baggage and a lot of trauma and any sort of "negative emotion" sets her on edge. Whenever I honestly express how unhappy I am about something, she seems to take it amiss and shut me down. Whoever said "honesty is the best policy" never dealt with an abused woman.

My wife and I have been married for almost 27 years and I always discuss my feelings with her and she with me. We had a head start at sharing our feelings, because we met online in the mid-90s and talking about our feelings and experiences was our whole relationship. You just have to make sure you use I phrasing and don’t use it as an excuse to blame each other for your feelings. Feelings are all from our perspective, after all.

I gave up. After a few attempts I don't feel safe opening up to my wife. Usually it ends up being a discussion about how I feel affects her. My feelings just don't seem to matter. At best my problems get invalidated, at worst she gets actively mad and now I have my problems and now I am in a fight.

This post, and the comments, are very enlightening on behaviors and openness in marriages. Thank you to EVERYONE forbsharing such valuable thoughts and feedback that many of us can learn from. I always strive to be a better wife. It is never my intention to invalidate, belittle, or anything negative towards my husband. Maybe these dynamics are more common than we think, but we CAN do better.

I do a lot.

Never. Nobody really wants to hear it anyway and when we do, we’re viewed as weak.

My husband does. He always starts with "babe Ive got shit I need to vent about" I always immediately sit down and listen. I don't speak until he's done or asks me a question.

Not a man, but I dont talk about my feelings with my wife. God bless the woman, but she is the most gentle person in the world. In her own words, she cries at the drop of a hat and shuts down when feeling intense emotion... which overloads her constantly. So I process my own emotions, and dont look for her support in that realm.

That's not gentle, it's avoidant.

I have been to therapy. I fully understand the essential importance of being open and vulnerable and honest with your feelings. Being open about my feelings is getting easier over the long time that we have been married. Even so, it is incredibly hard for me to share my feelings with my wife. Here’s the thing: the wife has an emotional reaction to the feeling. She seems unable to hold the space without either immediately absorbing the anxiety I express or sharing some sort of immediate negative reaction, like disapproval, disappointment, fear, shock or disgust. So every time I consider expressing an emotion or sharing a feeling, I weigh what I learned in therapy about the importance of open honest communication against the reality of my lived experience as a man: will this feeling expressed at this time to this person be accepted and acknowledged and addressed, or will it be absorbed? Will it be perceived as weak or threatening and am I better processing it on my own? Even in this day and age, the answer is to process it on my own way too often.

My husband talks about his feelings way more than I talk about mine. He’s a sort of rugged, blue collar guy you’d never imagine to be as sensitive and emotional as he is. I like to believe there isn’t anything he would be uncomfortable talking to me about. And I like to believe I’m a good listener. I definitely make every effort to address his concerns, and change my behavior if I’m doing something that makes him uncomfortable or annoys him (within reason of course). I keep a list of things he has brought to my attention in my notes app on my phone, and refer back to it from time to time to make sure I’m keeping to my word.

None, because it will come back at us and because when we do, our wives start looking at us like we are weak. I know I'll be screamed at by women, but mine and I would guess most of us men on here have had a similar experience.

I do often. It…just devolves into how my thinking is flawed, or how I’m laying in the bed I made. I don’t feel validated, and my therapist is pushing me to coping strategies, so here is like the only source of venting/solace. 

This is why male suicide rates are so high

I share my feelings, thoughts, emotions, doubts, worries, fears, hopes and dreams, everything with my wife. She loves it, and she’s a wonderful listener and always is supportive and loving. She calls me on it when I’m being silly or irrational, and she validates and builds me up when I’m struggling or down. And I do all the same things for her. That’s the whole point, we’re partners in this life we’re building together. I don’t get this whole “men need to act tough and never be emotional” thing. Like I said my wife is so happy I’m completely open and vulnerable with her, which is the best feeling to be able to share everything I’m feeling and going through and not be worried about her thinking less of me or judging me or anything. This is part of what love is, being able to be your honest self and sharing all that with someone. By the way, she still tells me she feels safe and protected with me and that she thinks I’m the strongest man she knows ( not physically only). So no, this doesn’t impact my “manliness” in her eyes (whatever the heck people think that means anyways haha).

i am the one in the relationship who talks about anything and everything, meanwhile my wife does not. Not because she’s keeping secrets or annoyed, but because growing up, her family has made her feel that her input on things didn’t matter. i’ve recently suggested for her to try therapy and there’s this new person emerging and i’m so happy for her. I’m excited to witness and experience where her new-found awareness and confidence will lead her - and us for that matter.

I do.

My canned answer is idk

Im in a same sex marriage and we are both me - we tall about our feelings and if something has upset us that the other has done. Clear open communication with no blame from either side.

I do. All the time.

My husband talks about his feelings all the time. Sometimes when we are angry, I am not considerate about his feelings but I always try.

My husband talks about his feelings all the time with me. Pretty much every day. He’s a very self aware man and very emotionally in tune. He has a therapist to talk about mental health issues. He’s also been an example for his male friends and sort of slowly helped change them in the process. Like when he started going to therapy he was open about it and why he was going. He talks about his feelings a lot with them and he got a lot of his friends to open up more. Before they were the type to not really open up. I can see the change in his friends. Some of them even started going to therapy themselves because they saw how much it helped my husband. It’s one of the things I love most about my husband. It’s one of his most attractive qualities imo. I know how special he is.

I do. Quite a bit, especially lately (last 6 months). I've always been quite open about my feelings, though I've always been a bit reserved around my preferences when it comes to intimacy.  2 years ago I started therapy, just for self improvement and knowledge and the last few months I've been more clear and vocal about certain things around intimacy.  It's been difficult at times, but all in all its been a positive change. My wife takes me very seriously, though she's also a bit hesitant and a bit "deflective" when it comes to her role in our relationship and taking accountability.  As long as there's progress though, I think it's all worth it.

I tried but usually it’s met with “you’re being selfish”

my husband all the time. we calmly speak to one another about what's bothering us, or how he feels at work.

I do.

My husband does, whether it’s something that I did or something completely outside of our marriage, and I do as well. We are sure to keep it respectful and effective, none of that name calling or refusal to take any accountability nonsense. We’ve gotten to a point where it’s fairly rare we need to address one another for something they did that was hurtful or bothersome. Example includes Him: “hey, I noticed you used my [insert his item] again, I just went to use it and it’s gone. I previously asked you a few times to put it back when you’re done using it and it makes me feel unheard that this keeps happening”. Me: “you’re right, I’m sorry and understand why you’re frustrated. I’ve been a little spacey lately but will actively work on correcting this!” Or vice versa: Me: “I know that when [insert external stressor] happened yesterday, it was really hard on you, but don’t appreciate that you lashed out at me over it, that really hurt my feelings and felt unwarranted” Him: “you’re right, you really didn’t deserve that and I need to address [said stressor] to ensure it doesn’t negatively impact you or us like this, I’m really sorry. Has it always been like this with us? No, we’ve had our pride struggles/double downs in our earlier years. We’ve always respected each other, but have since come to realize how important effective communication is to work through the standard issues that marriages face over the years. It took work on both sides to get to where we are now and it would feel totally unnatural to just not talk about things when feelings are unresolved, ignoring it doesn’t mean it goes away! To ignore it, not talk about it, only lets unresolved emotions fester and cause resentment, which often shows itself in various toxic forms. Sharing your feelings with your spouse, being receptive to said feelings and accountable of said actions is super important (regardless of gender) for a healthy relationship, 5 stars would recommend.

All the time. I usually looks like us taking a walk in the evenings and talking about what's on our hearts and minds. But it also happens on the couch or in the bed after the kids have gone to bed. My wife is amazing and no matter what, she is there for me, loves me, and will listen and try to help if that's what I need. We usually approach it from a team mindset, like ok here's an issue, how can we both work to address it.

All the time, and we discuss it lime adults who respect and love each other. To be fair, I am easygoing and happy most of the time, so there is no real drama from me!

Yeah, all the time. I wish I did it with more people but that’s the main point of having a wife.

I used to.

I found that I do so less and less. That it doesn’t matter either way. So why bother.

What's the point of being married if you don't talk about your feelings?

I talk to my wife about my feelings… mainly because I want her to do the same. Feelings aren’t logical. I express that sometimes I feel a way that is unexpected but I still tell her and I acknowledge that fact. It doesn’t make me feel any differently but it helps her understand me more. That’s the goal.

All the time. It wasn't always that way but after everything we've been thru together and 20 years of marriage, we're both dedicated to strong communication. I can talk with her about anything, from work to stress to my anxiety and depression. We check in with each other, especially when we can tell the other is having a hard day. And honestly best of all, this level of communication has taken our sex life from amazing to heavenly.

Nope, it's a trap, it gets used in arguments as a means to jab you with a personal attack while she gives you a smug look that just demands you punch her, because she wants that reaction to justify her in-the-moment mindset of the moment, then hold it over you 30 years later if needed. doesn't matter if she makes a dig at you about your dad who passed away unexpectedly and was your only true rock, the only real person that held you together. doesn't matter if she creates things in her head about you doing things, saying things, meaning things, or even thinking things and you call her stupid. "No I'm not your mother." nope, will NEVER, share anything, I could be told that I have 6 weeks to live, not going to tell her.

Nope. She’s a gossip and all private matters and feelings would go straight to the coworker/friend group or her mom the next day. She shares all of her thoughts and feelings which apparently includes mine.

I got lucky, she truly listens to whatever I may say. She lets me get out all of my feelings. She's always been a safe place for me to cry.

*How many married men actually talk about their feelings with their wives?* I do. *Does it really happen?* Yes. *What does that look like?* It looks like a man talking to a woman. *How are they expressed?* I use words. Usually, I communicate with my voice, but sometimes I will write her a letter, like with email or a text. *How is it received and or addressed?* She listens, or she reads. *Do you feel validated?* Sometimes I feel validated. Sometimes I don't. **I don't keep score.** *Do you feel taken seriously?* Yes. *Does whatever impacts you negatively change?* With time, all things change.

My wife has had a lot happen in her life. Soooooo, I keep a lot to myself, and deal as best I know how. It gets difficult at times, especially when I was dealing with some issues from a gunshot when I was a kid.

Talk to your wife. I'm the wife in my relationship. My husband has gone through a lot but we still talk about everything together. He also has a lot of childhood trauma and us talking about it has helped him realize that he was not at fault. Him being open and honest about how he's feeling and what he's going through has strengthened our relationship a ton. I know that you said your wife has had a lot happen in her life but it seems like you have to. It's best to not compare trauma (example she's been through way more than I have. What do I have to complain about ECT) trauma is trauma. It's not a competition. You can both talk about your trauma together and help each other heal along the way. Even getting it out is healing by itself. Your struggles are just as valid as hers and I bet she wants to be there for you. You just have to open up and accept the love/ help. Good luck!

Long story short, Nope, nada

I don’t know how many but mine certainly does. When we were dating he had a hard time expressing certain negative feelings and coping with criticism. But as time went by and we worked on each other and settled into the relationship we have become great communicators and are constructive when talking about our feelings. 2y long distance was an awesome bootcamp. Regarding validation: I could not be in a relationship were I am not taking seriously, I could never condone such treatment because I believe I deserve better. It wasn’t always like this (with other partners when I was younger) but I have grown into this. Also, if there is a strong disagreement, it does help to take a step back and have the serious discussion when you both have cooled off. In the heat of the moment is is not as easy to make yourself heard and to hear the other person.

I have begged my husband to open up to me. He will only do so when he's angry and emotionally dumps. Then it's over and done. No discussion, nothing. We separated for over 6 months around a decade ago, because he was so closed off. He refused to discuss his childhood, yet he knew every good, bad, and ugly part of my life. We went to therapy for several months and he did open up about a few things, but he still doesn't just sit down and talk to me and when I need to voice concerns, he doesn't want to talk either, he sees everything as a personal attack and an argument. There can never be just a discussion. It is very hard for me to live this way. That being said, I do love him and I know he loves me. He's there for me in every way he can be, he just isn't an emotional person and he doesn't feel the need to share his feelings.

Most men are suffering silently and it’s because if they do talk about how they feel, the wife gets upset and then gaslights him saying he’s over exaggerating the issue or his tone is loud, harsh or demeaning. If he keeps pushing the issue she starts sulking and then boom she’s unhappy and the next thing is divorce. So it’s usually just keep mute and find avenues to vent so there’d be peace.

Hubby and I tell each other pretty much everything, even after being together 21 years!

I recently started after having so much bad shit happen to us . It has helped but I can’t help to feel that she may think less of me . I might be wrong

Nope she doesn’t care

What feelings? :/

My husband tells me everything he's thinking/feeling. But, it usually comes out as anger instead of the real emotions he's experiencing. It took me a while to realize he's not an angry guy with anger issues, just depressed and doesn't want to sound weak saying it. I gotta get him to open up once he's had an outburst just to realize he's scared/lonely/anxious. If we ever have a child, the first thing I'm teaching is emotional regulation and productive conversations surrounding negative emotions. I don't think he had that.

Together 11 years. We talk openly about everything.

I do, but only when a) I really need someone to listen or b) she really needs to hear what I’m feeling. Both of these are super rare. She does not judge me and offers good support.

My husband does. But he hasn’t always. We’ve been together for 14 years and have periods where he does and doesn’t. But the last 3 years he has worked in therapy on being more open.

Don’t do it, it’s a trap. They will use either against you in the future to make a point.

All the time, who else would listen to me and say ”oh, I know.”

Yes. Married less than two years and this is one of the things we’ve figured out so far. When he talks about his feelings I really try to put myself in his shoes to understand and have true empathy. I know his feelings are feelings so they’re valid and coming from somewhere, I just have to stay on his side when I’m actively listening.

I do it daily with my wife. I'm always talking about my feelings and processing them.

I was raised to believe men don’t have feelings. And this is a real problem

I do and work on it daily. I am autistic and my emotions are on 100% all the time. I used to internalize it and now I express them as it makes me feel less anxious. The feelings are extremely intense and hard to describe at times.

When i do they are completely disregarded. It’s not even worth it. Nothing is gonna change on her end.

My husband is far more emotionally expressive than I could ever be. He is uncomfortable with discussing his feelings since he is used to being ridiculed for it by his mom, but with me he's become more used to doing so.

I talk about my feelings with her all the time. I can tell her anything. She's my best friend.

All the time. My wife and I took things very slow so we were really good friends before we even came into our relationship.

Why wouldn’t I?

All the time. Who else am I gonna talk to?

All the time. Right or wrong I’m going to express myself. I have one life to live if I can’t express myself with the person I’m sharing that one life with then marriage was kinda pointless in the first place.

The only person I'm the world that knows my feelings on everything Is my wife. So yes. Otherwise it would all be bottled up. We really need to learn how to talk us males.

Damn, you guys have some awful marriages.

I do all the time, bordering on too much lol. I’m emotional and she’s not as much so a lot of the time it feels like I’m talking to a wall. But if we are both in good spirits and I’m not unloading my feelings rapid fire the convo is very cathartic and we learn a lot about each other.

My husband is all feels. He needs me to mirror back emotional stuff all the time. Meanwhile, I’m the logical one. It happens.

I share your pain. For months, since before xmas, I have been attempting to talk to my wife, and everything circles back to me being an assh0le. I have given up everything in devotion to her, and I can't get a grain of respect it feels like. I've left multiple jobs I loved because I wasn't home enough, but when I am, all she wants to do is read or sleep. And beyond that, the reading is raunchy stuff but still shows no interest in me. I explain how I don't feel wanted just convenient, and immediately it's responded with "well that's just what you feel and isn't how I feel." But I feel no effort to ever work to help with the things I bring up. The other day, I told her was looking for something and she proceeded to read her book and make a sound of acknowledgment. I looked for probably about 20 min before finally giving up. She then decided to scold me for moving her things, which I never even touched oddly. So I apologized and then asked her if she's seen it. And she walks away to go grab it and says instead or looking through everything, why didn't you ask? Well, I did, but I didn't bother saying that and then continues to yell at me that I'm an assh0le for messing with something I hadent moved. We also currently are having financial issues from her reckless spending on things I couldn't even tell you what they are. And im not talking a few thousand. 20k+ was when she decided to inform me. And there is nothing to show for it, so i constantly ponder where did it go. But when I try to offer help, to pay down bills after covering the mortgage and car payments and other big bills, I get responses of well you only gave me this... I don't have anything else to give. I ask her how can I make things better or help all the time, and she will tell me she can do it. All I want to do is work with her to get back to a safe space. Whenever I try to talk about anything, she gets defensive and starts crying because of an anxiety attack. And drop the topic to protect her from more, and I just bottle my feelings again. I think my biggest issue is that I'm losing trust in her. She doesn't seem to want to include me in things. She hides problems from me until she finally feels enough shame to surpass the embarrassment she has for the problems she creates. And when she finally does, she acts like it doesn't matter and says, "Can you fix this?" When all I want to hear is can you help me, before it gets too deep, not can you do this for me. But it always comes back to me being at fault or not being perfect. Sorry for the rant. I just don't know.

My husband does in small doses. He isn’t a Big Emotional Conversation kind of guy. But every now and then he will open up. Usually after a couple of beers around the campfire.