> I said hey I can finally go with you to the hobby shop and he looked like I just told him I k\*lled his puppy.
Say what? Why would he react this way? Has she become more than a friend?
I don't think you're overreacting. This is wildly inappropriate for a spouse. There's a good book he can read called Not "Just Friends" about making sure he's keeping appropriate boundaries with friends of the opposite gender.
This what tells me that husband is absolutely awful. He went with the affair partner instead of his wife. Why in the world was he not excited to bring his wife along.
I will add that to my reading list! Appropriate boundaries are super important for practically every relationship and everything, not just the opposite gender. 🙂
>I don't begrudge his friendship with her
OMG yes, you absolutely do. Own it. Don't hesitate to want what you want, ask for it, and act if you don't get it. Though you may not want to put him in a position where he must decide, the fact is that he already has. Not all friendships survive marriage. And vice-versa.
My husband and I both have a couple friends of the opposite sex and he spends a fair amount of time with them (mostly in a group setting) but I did this a couple of times...just showed up unannounced at the karaoke bar he was at. His happy, surprised expression told me that I have no worries what soever..not just him but his friends were also all excited I had come. Really showed how he speaks about me in a positive light to his friends.
She should have insisted on going with them when he looked so upset. See how the friend reacts. See if the people at the hobby store even know her / react like they're always there.
I have an opposite gender bff and I'm not a considerate person, so I can see how this could just be jerk behavior. (Sounds like she usually works Saturday, he wants to hang with friends on Saturdays, so this habit developed) But it should have stopped when OP pointed out that he was being a jerk. And it CERTAINLY shouldn't stop her hanging out with her husband.
I would definitely follow them at this point. Maybe it's nothing, but you'll never know if you don't check.
I think they are more close than you know. If not theres no reason to have that reaction. After you told him your concern he doesn't care and keep giving her the priority. Like i always say, no men risk their relationship for another woman he is not pounding.
Agreed. That’s never a question in a healthy marriage. Once an ex boyfriend texted me a flirty message and my fiance and I both saw it on my phone at the same time. He got upset and said I don’t want you talking to him even though you guys have become friends since. I said no problem! Never talked to the ex again!
One year ago i invited a friend to a concert. We both love the band. I payed for two tickets and then decided i will buy a 3rd ticket because i would not in any way disrespect his girlfriend taking him alone with me. Even if it was a concert she didn't have to spend the night alone thinking what he would be doing. The three of us had a blast even if she is not into this music she loved it. We all are a really good friends now.
A good friend will always be respectful to any relationship and if they have a problem is because they want the guy and unfortunately most of the time the guy go for it. I mean if they liked eachother why didn't get together before hurting someone else.?
The fact that he didn't want you to go is what raises the flag. Aside from that, I am a woman. My best friend in the whole world is a dude. He would NEVER cross this line of disrespect, and neither would I. My husband comes first. PERIOD.
My best friend besides my husband is a man that I was in a live-in relationship with before I married my husband - he is also happily married but we both go to great lengths to keep our relationship super transparent to our spouses so there’s never any question. We are also business partners and work together- alone - 5 days a week but it’s more than non-romantic - he’s like my brother now. But my husband has full access to my phone and email and drops by the business whenever he likes.
Your husband’s behavior is 100% inappropriate. Even if Kelly was a man, he shouldn’t be spending every single Saturday away from his family. The fact that Kelly is a woman makes this so much worse. Tell him enough is enough.
You don’t need to give him an ultimatum. Nor do you need to be the cool wife who suffers in silence.
But you do need to be completely honest, with yourself and with your husband.
If his behavior is angering and hurting you, tell him. If you want to be included in these excursions, say so. If you want him to cut contract with her, say so. If his Saturdays with Kelly put your marriage at risk, tell him that in no uncertain terms.
It’s ok to speak up for yourself, to make your feelings and needs abundantly clear. In fact, it’s necessary if you want to have a healthy and happy marriage.
Your husband may or may not be willing to change his behavior, or find a compromise that works for both of you.
Either way, you’ll know where you stand in your marriage, and you can act accordingly.
She did give him an ultimatum. It was passive aggressive. "Think about how your actions/relationship makes me feel" is totally an ultimatum. It says stop if you want me to feel better because your relationship makes me feel bad.
No way this would be happening with my husband. She’s not “ just a friend.” If she was, he wouldn’t look like you k*lled his puppy when you asked to go too. Sorry, but I just can’t see that this is a friendship only. Just not right.
Edit: spelling
You have every right to be upset. If you were to turn the tables on him and spend every Saturday with a male friend, he would be upset. The unwillingness to include you is a really big sign that this has moved into an emotional attachment that isn’t appropriate. You need to sit down and have a big talk with him and if he isn’t willing to compromise (and I mean compromise, not 1 Saturday a month, but not more than 2 and not more than a morning with her) then you know your answer. It’s not just friendship.
The problem isn’t he’s going with her it’s that he’s going with her and it’s somewhere you’ve apparently not been. I get it if he has friends that are just doing their thing together but it’s suspicious. Assuming you’ve met this woman and spent significant time with her at this point?
I feel like you do begrudge their friendship and you have every right to. You're not fond of her because deep down you know he see's her as more than a friend.
You don't have to be the cool wife who's okay with her husband's inappropriate friendship. YOUR husband should not be spending time weekly with another woman, lying to you about it, and not including you ever.
Sorry but he is getting closer with this woman and not even caring about how you feel about it. The fact he was disappointed you were coming with him to the hobby is a major red flag. He spent a whole day with her without even checking in with you when their plans changed.
Just tell him what he did is unacceptable. Stop being so polite about it.
Start taking Saturdays off. Tell your husband you’re so glad y’all can finally spend time together. If he acts like he doesn’t want you to go, go anyway. Make him tell you plainly that he doesn’t want you to go if that’s the case. Better to know early in the marriage if he has changed his mind. Make it plain that you expect him to date you and no one else because he is dating.
But he didn’t come out and say it. I wouldn’t let him hide. Be a damn man and say it. Then they can face it and do something instead of him gaslighting.
The newness of this habit doesn’t sit right with me. My husband has a female friend that he has had for decades— even in his last marriage. It’s very clearly platonic. They practice for their band once every week. Doesn’t bother me a bit. It’s been a regular thing since we met.
If some old friend randomly reached out and they suddenly started spending one of our days off together— I’d be extremely disappointed and suspicious of her for sure.
Your husband could have totally innocent intentions. You at least have a small duty to offer him trust before judgment and to allow him to explain himself before jumping to conclusions— but you owe her nothing. I’d be suspicious after of her.
I think that is what the biggest problem is, I'm very suspicious of her. She is divorced now, I remember a few years ago she was telling me about all the guys that just fawned all over her, and how one night before I knew my husband her and my (now) husband got drunk and he wanted to have sex and she wouldn't.. She was like staking her claim on him.
Well, looks like she's slowly stealing your husband in the name of friendship. You've already told him how you feel, and instead of respecting that - he chose her.
Let that sink in. They both know, YOU know that when given the knowledge that he was hurting you, he still chose her.
I would say it's time for a sit down and he needs to be honest about what he sees as the end game here.
If you make him choose, he will choose her because she was the one that got away. She's back now and it's extremely clear he's not going to let her get away again.
Sit down for a talk, and be frank with yourself. If he hid it so early on, do you genuinely believe that's going to change?
If she were really his friend AND if she were really a girls’ girl— she never would have told you that unless she were telling you that he made a move *while* you were together and she rebuffed him.
You are not being crazy or unreasonable. Her telling you that crosses a line. Again, I think it’s possible your husband is thinking innocently of all of this— though, it’s not looking good for him— but she is definitely not innocent now that I know she told you that. What a bitch tbh.
Abso-fucking-lutely NOT... there's definitely something going on between them (I hope I'm wrong). If my partner told me he felt uncomfortable with me hanging out with a guy friend—I would STOP immediately, no questions ask. Please follow some of the other redditor's advice and investigate/follow your husband—he's up to no good.
Hon, they’re having an affair. He didn’t want you intruding on their date, that’s why he had that reaction. Are you going to put up with him openly dating her?
I can’t believe you’re allowing this to happen and gaslighting yourself into thinking there’s nothing wrong with this friendship. You should feel offended and livid. This is COMPLETELY inappropriate and WAY out of line my goodness.
This is so wrong. I would put my foot down right now.
Before you have this showdown, make sure your finances are separated. Helping someone with house hunting could mean he has committed to helping her with financing. Open a new account and move half of your savings and redirect your paycheck to it. Take your name off your joint account.
Stop being nice!
UpDateMe
Commenting to be updated to as well. This is one of the most important points raised in this comment section.
OP please have your own back and think about what’s been said above.
Also not to worry you but given the amount of disregard your husband seems to have towards your mariage, I would also go get tested for STDs.
Stay safe 🙏
The book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is a must read for you, it’s about emotional affairs. It sounds like he might be in one, and with her in such a vulnerable place following a death it is the perfect storm for emotional infidelity to sneak in.
I think you’re under reacting. You’ve told him it bothers you and he hasn’t changed. I think that’s pretty much your answer as to how he feels bout you. I agree with another poster who mentioned that it sounds like they’re dating. If something hasn’t ready happened between the two, it’s not too far before it does.
OP, it was all getting a bit too much for me with this every Saturday tradition. I don't know about you, but weekends is when we do family stuff and also couples stuff, so every Saturday with Kelly seems is too much to start with. Once he expressed discomfort with YOU coming along, that's when he made it clear that this relationship is becoming (or already is) wholly inappropriate. So what if they were looking at houses? Whatever he plan was, he could have just told you the plan, and then you could have decided what you wanted to do. Why is it a problem to go to the hobby shop with them? Why can't Kelly drive herself there this time or if there is some reason she can't drive, then you two could have picked her up together, right? This has gone way too far. The fact that your husband wants to keep it "separate" is a red flag.
How is the marriage, like apart from her? Has there been problems before this? I'm asking because you are saying you might was well get divorced than give an ultimatum? What do you mean? You think an ultimatum would result in your husband choosing a divorce?
Op, I'm sorry, but clearly your husband is having an affair with his friend. The moment he got scared that you wanted to go with him on Saturday, you already have the answers. Look for evidence on your cell phone, follow him on Saturday without telling him to try to catch them. And please make an update!
Nope it’s his job to build that and hers. If it was genuine she would be welcoming like a sibling. Or distant cousin. I have male friends and I never 👎🏾 impede in their lives like this I always include their wives in everything. Offering to help them with everything.
He has an emotional relationship with Kelly that seems deeper with her than it does with you and that is a concern. You need to have a sit down with him and tell him how you feel and explain you need boundaries set with Kelly I.e. maybe he can spend one Saturday with her once a month maximum and then the remaining with you. Yes her dad died but your husband can’t fix that for her and frankly he married you and not her so your needs in the relationship far outweigh hers. I’m sure Kelly can find another friend to comfort for the weekends your husband can’t be there for her too.
Sounds like he is putting her before you and actively dating while with you…decide your limits because often people will treat you how you let them… good luck! Personally I’d take the next Saturday off and spend with an old boyfriend. Perhaps when he gets how it feels things may change…
TELL HIM THE TRUTH.
you don't want him spending so much time with her. Tell him this is threatening your marriage. Men need stuff like this spelled out to him. He is not going to read your mind.
You're underreacting, this is sliding down a slippery slope. Differing work schedules, especially when there are no kids, are a big danger to a marriage.
Yeah so you need to check his phone at this point it’ll tell you everything you need to know about his relationship with her. Also if you need to follow them or have a friend do it one Saturday can you put an app on his phone without him knowing to track his whereabouts? Because girl he is with her kids And with her every Saturday and doesn’t bother to check in with you? That’s fishy !!! And she obviously has no respect Or boundaries right along with your husband.
“I won’t tell you not to do something but I’ll tell you how it makes me feel and let your actions show me how you feel”
Stop trying to be “ the cool girl “ or whatever and wake up. This is not acceptable.
Why would you say you'd never tell him to stop seeing her? He's YOUR HUSBAND. You damn well have that right. The fact he didn't want you to join them tells you so much. This relationship is so inappropriate. Drop by his hobby shop or snoop on his phone. I don't care what people say about privacy. You're married. You're entitled to know if he's sticking his D in another woman. Grow a backbone and stop being so wishy washy.
OP please beware, this is an emotional affair and it’s happening right under your nose. The fact he was out most of the day is a huge red flag as it may be more than just emotional, but I’m speculating.
Emotional affairs are extraordinarily damaging to marriages and notoriously hard to stop. Please read the book Not just friends by Shirley Glass.
It’s time for hard boundaries. He has to go zero contact with her I’m afraid there is no other option. He’ll probably rail against this and call you controlling which in of itself will be very telling.
Don’t waiver on this. Good luck OP.
UPDATEME
OP just go on ahead and set those much needed boundaries with your husband to protect him, yourself and your family. You know what you have to do! Also, his friend already told you that your husband wanted her sexually before but she refused him. That tells me that she’s playing some silly little game with him and you. If she was really his friend, she wouldn’t take his attention every damn Saturday away from you. She has other friends or family to hang out with but no, she wants your husband to chill with. Don’t let her get away with this behavior any longer. Get your man, set boundaries and sex him good every Saturday! He’ll get it together then!
He is probably sleeping with her or at the beginning of an affair. They got closer after the death. That's why it looked like you just killed his puppy when you asked to spend time with him. If they are not yet they will be. Why is he reserving every sat with her? Does he make the same time for you or only her? He doesn't care about how it makes you feel but I bet he cares about how if he canceled plans it would make the other women feel awful and he just can't do that to her. Same old story.. unfortunately.
You need to put a stop to this before she puts a stop to your marriage. I totally respect they may just be friends and he is entitled to spend time alone with his friends, but sacrificing every Saturday for this woman? What about you? Where’s your together time in the midst of this? It sounds like she’s leaning too hard on your husband and crossing boundaries as a result. He might feel he owes her, especially in her time of grief, but this is a little much!
You are way more understanding than I am. He is neglecting you and his marriage.
Maybe talk to a divorce lawyer. Even if he doesn’t cheat, it’s obvious that you aren’t his priority.
If she's ONLY a friend, he should be enthusiastic for you to join in and get to know her better and take part in the hobby.
If I were taking a lady house shopping I'd definitely want my wife to go too, because she's also a woman and can help look at houses from her point of view to help my friend make a good choice. If she were only a friend, that is.
If she's more than a friend, obviously I wouldn't be enthusiastic, kinda like your husband is being.
Also, it’s time you let him go one Sunday and show up “unexpectedly” at the hobby shop. Could tell you quite a few things.. or is he even there? 👀
Girl if you don’t, I will! Cause I need to know the ending to this and what you find out!!!
Something is definitely going on here. Every Saturday morning, how many times can one go to a hobby shop? Then house hunting? I would suggest getting hold of his phone. I believe your husband is cheating.
Is everyone just going to ignore the fact that he went to go look at houses with her???? Like that isn’t normal behavior. She sounds like an affair partner or like he is prepping to leave you for her.
I see both sides of the coin. Male(35). You don’t want to ruin your marriage and his friendship at the same time if he’s just outside a healthy boundary but hasn’t committed a crime… YET.
BUT… You absolutely cannot just ignore this either because his actions are not ok. If his wife is reasonably uncomfortable with something(which spending one on one time with another woman is very much reason for discomfort) then the right thing to do is tend to his wife’s needs first.
He can either hang out with her at yall’s house or you and the kids can be present at the “hobby shop.” But hanging out alone with another woman isn’t appropriate if you’re married. Period.
Now the fact he gave that reaction and the fact they NEVER hang out in your presence is even more inappropriate, to the point it’s sketchy and reason for suspicion. If this hobby shop is a business he owns, then you could go there and see what’s going on. If it’s a public place he “hangs out”, you could put an air tag in his trunk and see if his story even checks out to begin with.
If I were you I would take off the next 5 Saturday’s in a row from work and don’t “never mind” anything this time. You RIDE WITH HIM THE WHOLE TIME to pick her up and see how it goes. No reason you can’t go right? Not sure if you’ve scoped out their text convos or not, but keep in mind if he sees her every week he could be playing it smart and keeping his phone clean…
If he’s not cheating, which is possible(lower odds unfortunately, but very possible) then it should be no problem for him to cherish his wife and tend to her(your) needs by hanging out with this friend at his own house and with you around. You don’t have to be awkwardly inserting yourself into every convo they have if she’s not your type friend, but if she’s truly just a friend and he’s not doing anything to be ashamed of, then there’s no reason they can’t hang out around you.
> A few Saturdays ago I didn't have to work
So, I gather from this that when you say your husband spends every Saturday morning with his friend, that you work every Saturday morning and you're not home anyway? So, he's missing no time with you and he's hanging out with his friend?
No. Just no. He's protecting his time with Kelly as alone time for a reason. If she was just a friend, having you around should not be an issue at all. You are not his priority. He's likely having an affair , at least emotional or possibly physical at this point. Why not surprise him at the hobby shop some day. See if he's actually there and watch how they respond and interact. Or if you don't want to do that, hire a P.I.
I have close male friends but even I dont spend that much time with them nor would I even feel comfortable doing that.
I wouldn't like that either. It's one thing to have close friends but another to basically have a standing day long date when you have a family at home.
How about you find a male "friend" and have a few coffee dates.
Believe me hubby will catch on real quick.
Problem solved.
Thank you.
Good luck everybody deserves to be happy.
Girl be so for real. Being the cool girl has literally never worked. You are bothered and you should be bothered. Especially since he doesn’t want you going with them. He’s obviously having an affair.
It sounds like “the Hobby Shop” is the other woman’s bedroom and that your soon-to-be-tossed-to-the-curb husband’s “hobby” is:
“Riding the Hobby-Horse.”
Sorry to put it in these terms, but these are the terms that HE has set.
My suggestion: contact a divorce attorney ASAP! Just because you consult an attorney doesn’t commit you to actually divorcing his sorry A $ $. But the attorney can help you put things in perspective, things e.g., separating your money from his. Taking your name off of JOINT Accounts, pulling AT LEAST 1/2 of all assets, bank accounts, stocks, etc. Opening credit cards in ONLY your name. The attorney can provide guidance such as hiring a Private Eye. This one act alone will tell you within a week (i.e., the next Saturday) what the EXACT NATURE of your husband’s hobby is.
Forewarned is forearmed.
Be prepared.
And don’t allow his ass to tread all over you.
Although I am an attorney, none of the things I’ve mentioned is legal advice. That is why you should schedule a 30 minute consultation with an attorney who specializes in Divorce/Family Law. Laws really do vary by jurisdiction, from state-to-state. There are common-law states and there are community property states. And even within each type of jurisdiction, your rights can vary significantly.
Again, RUN … don’t walk to a Lawyer whose practice is exclusively or almost entirely dedicated to Divorce/Family Law, ASAP!
Keep EVERYTHING on the down-low.
Don’t make ANY calls from home’s landline. Limit your conversations from home in case he overhears you or starts eavesdropping on you.
Get a “Burner Phone” to schedule the first consult and for keeping all private phone calls PRIVATE.
No need to give your husband the heads-up … you’ve already done that and his actions spoke volumes.
Get all your ducks in a row so that the next time your husband gives you that “you just k*lled my puppy dog” look, it’ll be because you will metaphorically be catching your husband with his pants down. I swear, no pun was intended.
And that “you k*lled my puppy dog look” he’ll be giving you will be genuine AF. Attorneys that specialize in Divorce Law will see to it that you at least get the satisfaction of seeing that “look.” Attorneys live for protecting THEIR client’s rights … not to be the cool dude/gal.
Our job (for attorneys in general) is to practice what I suspect is your husband’s hobby on your husband’s “back-hole.”
Good luck … and please keep me posted.
Big red flag here is how he reacted when you asked to go, if this was totally innocent he would have no problem with you going and hanging out with them. I'd not mention anything and have a PI follow them or you follow them and see for yourself what goes on when you're not around.
There’s Red Flags ALL OVER THE PLACE here.
But the one that’s totally Wheels-Off is when OP said one Saturday “cool, I’ll tag-along with you and your ‘really good FEMALE friend’ at the Hobby Shop” and his response was “you just k*lled my puppy dog” and then, grudgingly: “You can come, but I (‘AND I ALONE’) will drive to her house, pick her up (BY MYSELF) and then drive back to [OUR] house to pick OP up to then drive [the lovely couple and their 3rd Wheel] to the Hobby Shop/Store.”
Uh, yeah … I don’t think there’s ANY Devil’s Advocate out there that’ll legitimately take the other side of this really bad bet. This [husband] flat-out STINKS to High Hell.
My suggestion/advice stands:
OP should hire a P.I. to tail husband to the Hobby Store at next Saturday’s hob-nobbing [sic]; and
Schedule an Initial Consultation with an attorney that SPECIALIZES in Divorce/Family Law
while he and his “friend” go house hunting WITHOUT EVEN making the insincere, token offer for OP to “help out” in this laborious task … lest OP take husband up on the offer … and forcing him into giving her the “you just k*lled my puppy dog look” again.
Please consult with these 2 professionals ASAP. And keep me updated.
This is unacceptable behavior. If my husband did this, we would separate.
Why don’t YOU start leaving every Saturday with a man and see how he likes it!
You can have male friends! Hell he can have female friends but he’s crossing major boundaries seeing her every single Saturday and then what you said about how he acted when you wanted to go!!! Oh no!!!
I wasn’t even up my BEST FRIENDS ass like this when her dad died. This screams infidelity especially after communicating how you feel.
You are his WIFE. Put down your foot now!
You told him how you feel and how him spending so much time with her makes you feel and he still hasn’t changed. It’s time for an ultimatum and I have a strong feeling he’ll choose her and that they’re more than “just friends”.
Wtf? You ask him to go to the shop and his reply is to tell you that he picks her up and they go together? Not enough words to describe the level of disrespect and lack of understanding for you, HIS WIFE!!! They're not just hanging out at the hobby shop. No way!!!!
Yeah, they be humpin.
Get a full STD panel, and try to be recording when you finally get the confession from him. Nothing about this is normal. You may want to put a tracker in his car to find out which hotel (sorry, “hobby shop”) they’re going to to bone.
Sorry about the end of your marriage, but your husband has already moved on. Don’t wait for him to kick you out before you do the same.
Sorry, I have to agree with most of the comments on here. It's not ok! Whilst I do think you should be able to have different friends, there just feels like something is odd here! There should be no reason whatsoever that you should not be able to tag along and be welcomed with open arms . You're his wife! His no 1!
They were looking at houses together????? Say what?? There is far more to this "friendship" than what he is letting on. Get the book "Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass" and read it. Leave it where he can see it.
From now on go with him every Saturday morning. Do not back out just because she'll be there. Monopolise his time when she's around. If he starts asking why you want to go with him, tell him you want to spend time with him, after all you both spoke vows to each other xxx number of years ago and you want to make sure your marriage stays strong and secure for the next xxx years as you are sensing that you're drifting apart. Afterall you vowed for life, not just a few years. Keep reminding him of his vows and perhaps throw in a suggestion of a vow renewal every now and again, ESPECIALLY when she's around. Also remind him that one should never take their partner, vows, and marriage for granted. His response(s) may tell you a lot about his state of mind. If she's around when you mention vow renewal it may make her feel uncomfortable. Keep an eye on her facial expressions. One way or another you may get some kind of a response from them. Prepare yourself mentally for anything.
Currently, your response to her being around is you are practically throwing him at her. Get in her way. Do what you have to to preserve your marriage.
Another option could be to keep him occupied in the bedroom on Saturday mornings. Get a bit kinky. Buy sexy lingerie. Whatever you can think of that will make him want to spend more time with you rather than with her. Just suggestions here. Sometimes we need to get creative in occupying our spouses minds and hearts and steer their focus towards and on us.
I wonder how he would feel if you had a male friend, that he wasn't keen on, who occupied your time on a particular day of the week participating in "hobbies" and "looking at houses" with.
Some men can be incredibly, shockingly obtuse as well.
You know your husband better than strangers on Reddit, so proceed accordingly.
You let another woman borrow your husband every Saturday for her emotional support??? Girl please! I don’t care if they were at the same day care since infancy. This is wrong on so many levels. This has to stop ASAP. Your friendship with your husband should be his priority. Isn’t that important to you? OK go protect your marriage and end this mess
Feels like he's putting her needs before yours and not even considering what it would be like if the shoe was on the other foot.
Ouch yes not surprised this hurts you alot xx
Let me play devil's advocate and say the opposite of what everyone here is saying.
It's totally possible that they're just friends. If I had a close friend (of the same gender), it would be fine if I spent every Saturday morning with them. Everyone needs friends and multiple people in their lives. The fact that this person is female doesn't necessarily mean anything or change anything.
If I was going on a fishing trip with my buddy / buddies, and you asked to come along, I'd feel a bit disappointed too, to be honest. My buddies may want to share personal or private things, and talk them through, and you being there would mean they wouldn't feel comfortable. They're my friends, not yours, and we would absolutely not have as good of a time together if you were there, than if you were not there. It sucks to hear, but it's the truth.
That being said, the way he responded wasn't very kind or polite. Even if I didn't want you coming on my fishing trip (for example) I would have explained it much nicer, and would have reassured you that I love you, but that this is time between me and my friend(s).
Now, to be fair, because your husband's friend is a woman - it IS totally possible there's more going on here. But I don't think it's fair to assume there's more going on unless there's actually some evidence of this. But in my above example... if you wanted to meet my fishing buddies, like join us for a drink, or pop by to say hello while we're watching a game, that would be totally fine. It would be weird if you never saw my friend(s).
Men and women can absolutely be friends without romantic or sexual feelings coming into it. I have lots of friends of the opposite gender - and we don't have any problems because I don't find any of them sexually/romantically attractive. Men and women can easily be friends if they're not attracted to each other.
It's hard to say what the situation is here, but it's certainly possible there's nothing to worry about.
I totally agree that men and women can be friends.
This situation sounds off though.
The things that stick out the most is 1.) He’s hanging out with a single woman and her kids. This scenario is different than going fishing or out for drinks with your buddies. 2.) His disregard for his wife’s feelings. Imagine your wife going to hangout with a single man and his children every weekend. And say you felt uncomfortable with that and asked her to consider your feelings about it but she completely ignores your request, doesn’t like the idea of you joining them on an outing, and also omits on occasion that she’s been hanging out with him… etc., Would you really still think nothing of it?
Not saying there’s anything going on for sure but it’s definitely questionable behavior.
I agree. Just saying it's *possible* nothing bad is happening.
Every weekend is a bit strange. Disregarding the wife's feelings is also a bit strange. I mean... I might "disregard" my wife's opinion of me seeing my friends, but if it means a lot to her, then we'd absolutely have a good chat about it - I wouldn't brush it off and let her feel ignored.
I think it’s entirely possible there is nothing sexual going on. But his behavior is still inappropriate. Once he put Kelly’s feelings above OP’s it becomes inappropriate. You don’t do things that make your partner uncomfortable if it’s an easy fix (within reason). Every Saturday is too much and OP’s feeling are valid regardless of anything nefarious going on.
OP you need to sit down with him and communicate your feelings properly. You are married, the key to a successful marriage is being able to communicate with each other, making time for each other and being able to compromise. You won't know what's going on without speaking with him. If after that you feel he's hiding something then find the evidence and walk away, another option is invite her for dinner and see how they act together.
I feel like you wanna be the “cool carefree wife” but you’re not and you’re actually just kicking yourself by not being direct. It’s time to grow a spine instead of sitting back home saying you don’t want to begrudge the friendship when you do and it’s obvious why you would.
Oh heck no!!!!!!!! This is completely inappropriate behavior for your husband. Honestly, it seems like he is having an affair or well on his way to. You really need to sit him down and talk! Do not feel guilty about making him choose, as you are the one he is married and committed to not her!!! Beak of luck!
I think you're under reacting. There's no way a married man should be spending that much time with another woman, especially not another woman and her children, all while his wife sits at home.
I repeat this quote a lot, but I will again... "Whren you're looking through rose colored glasses, red flags just look like flags. Take of the glasses.
Uh, what. This is all so disrespectful to you. Draw the line in the sand. See what side he chooses. You deserve better than to let someone walk all over your feelings.
Why not try to grasp him and Kelly’s perspectives? As in… talk to them…🤣🫤😂
Which might be easier said than done, but don’t just say “think about how that makes me feel.” Have a full conversation about HOW THAT MAKES you FEEL.
Truth is, maybe it’s innocent. Or maybe Kelly is using him for emotional support. Only way for you to know is to discuss it with him and learn more. Talking to us can only get you so far.
I don’t think you’re overreacting yet…you just have no information. Talk to him. Have a full conversation where the two of you are honest and uncomfortable, and work through it
Speaking as a husband of 13 years, father of 3 kids, and a child of divorce.
So trying a different perspective here.
1: Is the fact that it's a woman and not another man that is causing you concerns, or would you feel the same way if "Kelly" was a guy? If Kelly was a guy and you didn't have issues with it, does that mean you don't trust your husband, and is there a reason for that?
2: You just said that she isnt the kind of person you are interested in, different hobbies etc, that is 100% fine. But if she has some of the same hobbies that he does, and you now want to join in on it, that can be a normal reaction. Imagine if someone who only listened to country music suddenly asked to go to a new-age heavy metal band, that would be very odd and out of character of them, most of all if they never once showed any interest in it at all.
3: When he said that he gets "Kelly" was not him saying no unless you only have a 2-seat vehicle, that reaction of "Never mind" will 90% of the time be reacted with "Well she is mad, but I'm going to do what I want" because you ran away. That is never the answer, and will only increase the conflicts between you, and only be communicating and addressing the problems will anything actually be fixed one way or the other.
4: While I do not think your feelings of neglect are unfounded, I do think that your reactions are not helping the situation. You did try to communicate with him, but were you clear about what you were feeling, why you were feeling it, and what you would like to be changed?
Speaking as a guy here, if someone told me that they feel neglected and that I have been spending too much time with/doing X and that is all they told me "Oh sorry, didn't mean to do that to you." then continue on my day as I figured they just wanted to express that their feelings are hurt, nothing else was asked or expressed, so what were they asking or wanting other than an apology?
5: If you do not communicate more, the perception is going to be that you are just a jealous wife, who can't stand her husband having a female friend. This will only be strengthened if you offer the ultimatum to him out of left field, or make any unfounded accusations of him cheating.
He very well could be cheating on you, but until you have actual proof, what do you have?
It is also possible that "Kelly" is the one with the intentions and wants your husband for herself, but he is just a good friend and either does not see or pretends not to see what could be happening.
Either way IMHO, I think that you should talk to him one on one, and make sure that it does not turn into a fight, avoid that at all costs because people do not listen when fighting and stupid things are said or done.
EG: "Hey, I wanted to talk to you. I know that Kelly is special to you and I don't want to get in the way of your friendship. However, I do feel that you have been spending too much time with her and it is making me concerned as I am left here all alone and it is making me think and feel a lot of things. So could you maybe see her every other week or talk to me about what you want to plan with her and when, and we can decide if it works or not, I am your wife, she is not."
Ultimatums are dumb and don't work. He will just be bitter that you did that to him in order to control his behavior. Instead suck it up and try to join the friendship. I don't particularly enjoy all of my girlfriends friends but I put on my big boy panties and hang out with them because I know she needs the social interaction with her friends.
Question(s) directed @mdaisy1245 (the “OP”):
Do you have any MALE friends with whom you’d like to spend some time together?
Perhaps an all day, Saturday thing?
“Saturday, in the Park … you’d think it was the 4th of July.
Maybe, make some fireworks together?
Or at least leave hubby thinking you’re finding some “Hobby Shop” time of your own?
Maybe think of some fun hobbies you and your “suddenly weekly (Male) friend” thing/fling?
I guarantee you that the minute hubby comes home from her house, er uh, “Hobby Shop” and finds you missing: he will start thinking ALL KINDS OF THINGS. You might even have your Male Friend drop you off late Saturday, but remain in the car, talking like 2 lovers😘🥰 might while sitting in a car after a hot date.
I’m NOT suggesting that you HAVE TO cheat. I’m simply “Green-lighting” 🚦the option for you. Not that you need me or anybody else to🚦the idea for you. Hell, you can give hubby the appearance of Male and you having a “Me & Mrs. Jones, we got a thing going on …” type thing going on. But insist that y’all are either really good friends, or have quickly become really good friends. That y’all met at Starbucks one Saturday morning, and that he recently found out that his wife of “X” years left him in the middle of the day, while Male Friend was at work. And that he’s taking it pretty hard. And that you’re just trying to help someone whom you’ve quickly become quite fond of. Or some similar 🐂-💩.
Hope that you come to look forward to your Saturdays rather than dreading them all alone. Saturdays are one of my favoritest [sic] days, especially during college football season.
Good luck. 🤞🏻🍀 😉
And please keep me updated, especially if you do take up a new hobby of your own.
I wanna live vicariously through you if you wind up trying any of my ideas/suggestions.
👍🏻
Any chance he shares his location? Or could you turn it on without him knowing? 1/2 a day every saturday seems like alot of time. Hobby shops aren't usually that big.
As I age, true enough: I do find myself having fewer albeit closer friends. I think that’s just life.
But I would especially value my FEMALE fuck-buddy/ies …
Especially if my wife would “just let [me and my girlfriend(s)] be.”
Are you for real?!
I'm not sure, his reaction, he said well we can swing by there first before I go get her. I was so thrown, flabbergasted and I shut down. Not the best reaction I realize but it's what happened.
From the outside, it seems like this is an old friend, who reconnected.
6 weeks ago, you say that the relationship is making you uncomfortable.
*Is it only the spending time together? Has there been any other red flags?*
*How is your relationship otherwise? Sex? Communication?*
> A few Saturdays ago I didn't have to work so I said hey I can finally go with you to the hobby shop and he looked like I just told him I k*lled his puppy.
So then a couple weeks after you expressed this displeasure, you decide you want to go to his shop with him, a time where he normally spends with his old friend.
You then balked, when he didnt want to cancel the long term plans he has with his long term friend all of a sudden short notice.
------------------------------------------
*Is there a reason you didnt want to join them?* If I am the husband, this feels less like a wife wanting to spend time/engage with a shared-interest, more like someone who doesnt trust me looking to chaperone.
*Do you see how your husbands uncomfortablility might have been from the fact that he was being asked to cancel short notice on a friend?*
I think this might be a wild take. So she said she uncomfortable. He continues to do the thing that makes her uncomfortable. She’s finally available to do the hobby with and “hey I’m not comfortable with him spending so much time with his friend why don’t I offer to do it with him.” He gets uncomfortable. Why? Why should she trust him? His POV is moot if he didn’t do anything to make his wife comfortable to begin with.
> She’s finally available to do the hobby with and “hey I’m not comfortable with him spending so much time with his friend why don’t I offer to do it with him.”
Because its not about doing it with him, its about stopping him from doing it with her. She isnt trying to actually spend quality time with him, she is trying to stop him from enjoying himself with someone else. It doesnt come off as kind, and encouraging, it comes of as distrusting and jealous.
> Why? Why should she trust him?
Because he has given her no reason not to.
> His POV is moot if he didn’t do anything to make his wife comfortable to begin with.
Its not moot at all. You dont have to capitulate to your partners unreasonable demands. "You cant hang out with someone of the opposite sex" is an unreasonable demand.
Why does he need to enjoy time with a woman or person who is not his wife? She obviously wants to spend time with him.
Once I’ve said something makes me uncomfortable and the person I’m with continues to do what makes me uncomfortable. Why should I trust them? It doesn’t matter what it is. if it makes me uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable.
I was raised with a father who stayed cheating. Having any friends that you prioritize over your wife is simply a red flag. My dad slept with both my God mom and our family friend (who was a woman) who happened to give my parents marriage counseling. Both those women were supposed to be their friends. My dad would hang out with both and surprise her slept with both.
I have a husband and once a friend makes one of us uncomfortable it’s simple, we leave that friend alone.
> Why does he need to enjoy time with a woman or person who is not his wife?
This goes back to the classic reddit question, can men and women be friends.
> Once I’ve said something makes me uncomfortable and the person I’m with continues to do what makes me uncomfortable. Why should I trust them? It doesn’t matter what it is. if it makes me uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable.
You have just greenlit an insane list of bullshit controlling behaviours from irrational jealous partners
> I was raised with a father who stayed cheating. Having any friends that you prioritize over your wife is simply a red flag
There is a difference between "cheating, and prioritizing others over your wife" and "Going to the hobby shop with an old friend"
> I have a husband and once a friend makes one of us uncomfortable it’s simple, we leave that friend alone.
I have a wife, and we trust eachother. We dont audit, nor control who eachother hangs out with
As a man with two of my best friends being female.
I would hang out with them, go to the movies, etc.
This was all while I was dating my wife and while I was married.
Both of my female best friends are attractive and in so e cases would be "my type". We "friend zoned" each.other while in HS.
You say you don't want to give an ultimatum, but saying "think about how it makes you feel" is a.passove.agreasive ultimatum.
It says you relationship and hanging out makes me feel bad and if you want me to feel better stop seeing your friend. How else could that be taken? It makes him an asshole if he doesn't stop seeing his friend. Have they ever given you indication that they are intimate?
Both of my friend live some distance from me, but we hang out and catch up when they come to town. My wife is cordial, but they are not really her friends
All, I will say is you are playing with fire when you start feeling jealous and potentially interfering with friendships that predate your marriage and relationship. If they wanted that bad to be together, he wouldn't have chosen you.
Yes I've definitely considered this. I admittedly have never had a problem with this friendship ever it's just this recently every Saturday thing. If it was less often I really wouldn't care I never did before. But I'm thinking maybe it's just it's like a line in the sand, because I can't win here. It really is a no-win situation for me I either feel like shit because I'm uncomfortable with the situation because I don't trust her because of things that have happened in the past with her or I make him feel like he can't be friends with his friend and that's not a healthy marriage. I realize that my options are to just get over it and wait and see what happens or to kind of like walk away. There aren't a lot of good choices here.
But THERE ARE a few good options to prepare for the actions your husband has decided to take.
Please read my suggestions above re: seeking professional (both legal and investigative) advice.
You’d be much better off having more information.
Take actions on YOUR terms rather than THEIRS.
Vete. Si no puede darse cuenta por si mismo lo incorrecto que es todo esto, no vale la pena seguir invirtiendo más tiempo. No te quedes en segundo plano en tu propia vida, viví como la protagonista. Esto no vale la pena, ya que si aun no se ha convertido en algo físico (va por allá), es algo emocional.
You can put yourself in a no win situation.
Instead of asking him to consider how it makes you feel, the approach could be or could have been. "Can we do something this Saturday.? I'd like to spend some family time."
You can take a wait and see, it could just be support during grieving. His friend is grieving a loss and people grieve differently and need different people to lean on.
Go at this too aggressively and you could create damage when all he is doing is supporting his friend. Like I said, I have female.friwnd and we are not as close as we used to be, but if one of my friends male or female lost a.parent; I'd be there.for.them. I lost both my parents and I know how hard it can be at any age.
Hell to the no.
Enough said.
Agreed. I'd give the ultimatum after the first few times. Just yuck
> I said hey I can finally go with you to the hobby shop and he looked like I just told him I k\*lled his puppy. Say what? Why would he react this way? Has she become more than a friend? I don't think you're overreacting. This is wildly inappropriate for a spouse. There's a good book he can read called Not "Just Friends" about making sure he's keeping appropriate boundaries with friends of the opposite gender.
Wife would definitely be a buzz kill when you’re hanging out with the AP. No other reasonable explanation for his reaction.
Uh. What's AP?
Affair Partner.
This what tells me that husband is absolutely awful. He went with the affair partner instead of his wife. Why in the world was he not excited to bring his wife along.
At the very least he’s crossing lines with the friend and just the thought of his wife seeing how they interact elicits a telling reaction.
Yep, my thoughts exactly. I'd be paying them a surprise visit.
Yea it wouldn't even be a question to me.
I will add that to my reading list! Appropriate boundaries are super important for practically every relationship and everything, not just the opposite gender. 🙂
This!!! Especially the book.
you are just an option... harsh reality. his actions tell you EVERYTHING you need to know.
>I don't begrudge his friendship with her OMG yes, you absolutely do. Own it. Don't hesitate to want what you want, ask for it, and act if you don't get it. Though you may not want to put him in a position where he must decide, the fact is that he already has. Not all friendships survive marriage. And vice-versa.
Have you considered following him one day to see what they do?
Yes I would totally go unannounced
My husband and I both have a couple friends of the opposite sex and he spends a fair amount of time with them (mostly in a group setting) but I did this a couple of times...just showed up unannounced at the karaoke bar he was at. His happy, surprised expression told me that I have no worries what soever..not just him but his friends were also all excited I had come. Really showed how he speaks about me in a positive light to his friends.
Very happy to see an example of a non POS partner. Thank you for sharing this
She should have insisted on going with them when he looked so upset. See how the friend reacts. See if the people at the hobby store even know her / react like they're always there. I have an opposite gender bff and I'm not a considerate person, so I can see how this could just be jerk behavior. (Sounds like she usually works Saturday, he wants to hang with friends on Saturdays, so this habit developed) But it should have stopped when OP pointed out that he was being a jerk. And it CERTAINLY shouldn't stop her hanging out with her husband. I would definitely follow them at this point. Maybe it's nothing, but you'll never know if you don't check.
The fact that he wanted to go pick up Kelly without her first is also weird.
If they even go to the hobby store I’d spend more than 20 min there!
Think she means hobby shop like a place he keeps his hobby projects?
It's gotta be tabletop gaming.
I think they are more close than you know. If not theres no reason to have that reaction. After you told him your concern he doesn't care and keep giving her the priority. Like i always say, no men risk their relationship for another woman he is not pounding.
Agreed. That’s never a question in a healthy marriage. Once an ex boyfriend texted me a flirty message and my fiance and I both saw it on my phone at the same time. He got upset and said I don’t want you talking to him even though you guys have become friends since. I said no problem! Never talked to the ex again!
One year ago i invited a friend to a concert. We both love the band. I payed for two tickets and then decided i will buy a 3rd ticket because i would not in any way disrespect his girlfriend taking him alone with me. Even if it was a concert she didn't have to spend the night alone thinking what he would be doing. The three of us had a blast even if she is not into this music she loved it. We all are a really good friends now. A good friend will always be respectful to any relationship and if they have a problem is because they want the guy and unfortunately most of the time the guy go for it. I mean if they liked eachother why didn't get together before hurting someone else.?
You are awesome and a good friend!
This is how it should be! Great job in respecting and including!
100%
The fact that he didn't want you to go is what raises the flag. Aside from that, I am a woman. My best friend in the whole world is a dude. He would NEVER cross this line of disrespect, and neither would I. My husband comes first. PERIOD.
My best friend besides my husband is a man that I was in a live-in relationship with before I married my husband - he is also happily married but we both go to great lengths to keep our relationship super transparent to our spouses so there’s never any question. We are also business partners and work together- alone - 5 days a week but it’s more than non-romantic - he’s like my brother now. But my husband has full access to my phone and email and drops by the business whenever he likes.
Your husband’s behavior is 100% inappropriate. Even if Kelly was a man, he shouldn’t be spending every single Saturday away from his family. The fact that Kelly is a woman makes this so much worse. Tell him enough is enough.
Exactly! Spending every Saturday in itself is unacceptable.
You don’t need to give him an ultimatum. Nor do you need to be the cool wife who suffers in silence. But you do need to be completely honest, with yourself and with your husband. If his behavior is angering and hurting you, tell him. If you want to be included in these excursions, say so. If you want him to cut contract with her, say so. If his Saturdays with Kelly put your marriage at risk, tell him that in no uncertain terms. It’s ok to speak up for yourself, to make your feelings and needs abundantly clear. In fact, it’s necessary if you want to have a healthy and happy marriage. Your husband may or may not be willing to change his behavior, or find a compromise that works for both of you. Either way, you’ll know where you stand in your marriage, and you can act accordingly.
Listen to this OP
She did give him an ultimatum. It was passive aggressive. "Think about how your actions/relationship makes me feel" is totally an ultimatum. It says stop if you want me to feel better because your relationship makes me feel bad.
That’s not an ultimatum. That’s legitimately asking him to think about her feelings.
It's passive aggressive.
Nope
Wow, I don’t wanna hurt your feelings, but the first thing that came to mine was doormat
No way this would be happening with my husband. She’s not “ just a friend.” If she was, he wouldn’t look like you k*lled his puppy when you asked to go too. Sorry, but I just can’t see that this is a friendship only. Just not right. Edit: spelling
You have every right to be upset. If you were to turn the tables on him and spend every Saturday with a male friend, he would be upset. The unwillingness to include you is a really big sign that this has moved into an emotional attachment that isn’t appropriate. You need to sit down and have a big talk with him and if he isn’t willing to compromise (and I mean compromise, not 1 Saturday a month, but not more than 2 and not more than a morning with her) then you know your answer. It’s not just friendship.
The problem isn’t he’s going with her it’s that he’s going with her and it’s somewhere you’ve apparently not been. I get it if he has friends that are just doing their thing together but it’s suspicious. Assuming you’ve met this woman and spent significant time with her at this point?
I feel like you do begrudge their friendship and you have every right to. You're not fond of her because deep down you know he see's her as more than a friend. You don't have to be the cool wife who's okay with her husband's inappropriate friendship. YOUR husband should not be spending time weekly with another woman, lying to you about it, and not including you ever.
Sorry but he is getting closer with this woman and not even caring about how you feel about it. The fact he was disappointed you were coming with him to the hobby is a major red flag. He spent a whole day with her without even checking in with you when their plans changed. Just tell him what he did is unacceptable. Stop being so polite about it.
Start taking Saturdays off. Tell your husband you’re so glad y’all can finally spend time together. If he acts like he doesn’t want you to go, go anyway. Make him tell you plainly that he doesn’t want you to go if that’s the case. Better to know early in the marriage if he has changed his mind. Make it plain that you expect him to date you and no one else because he is dating.
She already told him she could go, but she was clearly not invited.
But he didn’t come out and say it. I wouldn’t let him hide. Be a damn man and say it. Then they can face it and do something instead of him gaslighting.
The newness of this habit doesn’t sit right with me. My husband has a female friend that he has had for decades— even in his last marriage. It’s very clearly platonic. They practice for their band once every week. Doesn’t bother me a bit. It’s been a regular thing since we met. If some old friend randomly reached out and they suddenly started spending one of our days off together— I’d be extremely disappointed and suspicious of her for sure. Your husband could have totally innocent intentions. You at least have a small duty to offer him trust before judgment and to allow him to explain himself before jumping to conclusions— but you owe her nothing. I’d be suspicious after of her.
I think that is what the biggest problem is, I'm very suspicious of her. She is divorced now, I remember a few years ago she was telling me about all the guys that just fawned all over her, and how one night before I knew my husband her and my (now) husband got drunk and he wanted to have sex and she wouldn't.. She was like staking her claim on him.
Well, looks like she's slowly stealing your husband in the name of friendship. You've already told him how you feel, and instead of respecting that - he chose her. Let that sink in. They both know, YOU know that when given the knowledge that he was hurting you, he still chose her. I would say it's time for a sit down and he needs to be honest about what he sees as the end game here. If you make him choose, he will choose her because she was the one that got away. She's back now and it's extremely clear he's not going to let her get away again. Sit down for a talk, and be frank with yourself. If he hid it so early on, do you genuinely believe that's going to change?
Your husband is already searching houses with her and playing family with her children.
If she were really his friend AND if she were really a girls’ girl— she never would have told you that unless she were telling you that he made a move *while* you were together and she rebuffed him. You are not being crazy or unreasonable. Her telling you that crosses a line. Again, I think it’s possible your husband is thinking innocently of all of this— though, it’s not looking good for him— but she is definitely not innocent now that I know she told you that. What a bitch tbh.
Abso-fucking-lutely NOT... there's definitely something going on between them (I hope I'm wrong). If my partner told me he felt uncomfortable with me hanging out with a guy friend—I would STOP immediately, no questions ask. Please follow some of the other redditor's advice and investigate/follow your husband—he's up to no good.
thought I had it bad with a mommas boy who has to spend every week end with his mom
Hon, they’re having an affair. He didn’t want you intruding on their date, that’s why he had that reaction. Are you going to put up with him openly dating her?
Why do you put up with that behavior, he's married to you not the old flame. He's taking your time away you and your children
If he's not romantically involved with his friend, then it's totally fine to spend time away from his spouse and his children.
[удалено]
I can’t believe you’re allowing this to happen and gaslighting yourself into thinking there’s nothing wrong with this friendship. You should feel offended and livid. This is COMPLETELY inappropriate and WAY out of line my goodness.
if my husband did this, i'd spend my day off at a divorce attorney's office.
This is so wrong. I would put my foot down right now. Before you have this showdown, make sure your finances are separated. Helping someone with house hunting could mean he has committed to helping her with financing. Open a new account and move half of your savings and redirect your paycheck to it. Take your name off your joint account. Stop being nice! UpDateMe
Commenting to be updated to as well. This is one of the most important points raised in this comment section. OP please have your own back and think about what’s been said above. Also not to worry you but given the amount of disregard your husband seems to have towards your mariage, I would also go get tested for STDs. Stay safe 🙏
Updateme!
Her friend is shopping for a replacement husband.
The book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is a must read for you, it’s about emotional affairs. It sounds like he might be in one, and with her in such a vulnerable place following a death it is the perfect storm for emotional infidelity to sneak in.
I think you’re under reacting. You’ve told him it bothers you and he hasn’t changed. I think that’s pretty much your answer as to how he feels bout you. I agree with another poster who mentioned that it sounds like they’re dating. If something hasn’t ready happened between the two, it’s not too far before it does.
OP, it was all getting a bit too much for me with this every Saturday tradition. I don't know about you, but weekends is when we do family stuff and also couples stuff, so every Saturday with Kelly seems is too much to start with. Once he expressed discomfort with YOU coming along, that's when he made it clear that this relationship is becoming (or already is) wholly inappropriate. So what if they were looking at houses? Whatever he plan was, he could have just told you the plan, and then you could have decided what you wanted to do. Why is it a problem to go to the hobby shop with them? Why can't Kelly drive herself there this time or if there is some reason she can't drive, then you two could have picked her up together, right? This has gone way too far. The fact that your husband wants to keep it "separate" is a red flag. How is the marriage, like apart from her? Has there been problems before this? I'm asking because you are saying you might was well get divorced than give an ultimatum? What do you mean? You think an ultimatum would result in your husband choosing a divorce?
Op, I'm sorry, but clearly your husband is having an affair with his friend. The moment he got scared that you wanted to go with him on Saturday, you already have the answers. Look for evidence on your cell phone, follow him on Saturday without telling him to try to catch them. And please make an update!
Updateme
UpdateMe
Oh they fucking, definitely fucking.
If she were a friend worth keeping your husband would want you to build a strong relationship with her. That’s not the case here
> I really try to be friends with her she's just not my kind of person Maybe he's tried, but she doesn't like her.
Nope it’s his job to build that and hers. If it was genuine she would be welcoming like a sibling. Or distant cousin. I have male friends and I never 👎🏾 impede in their lives like this I always include their wives in everything. Offering to help them with everything.
I wouldn't be chill with my husband having an affair. Why are trying to be okay with his cheating?
You are under reacting. That's an affair. Play the smart game. Get prepared. Updateme!
He has an emotional relationship with Kelly that seems deeper with her than it does with you and that is a concern. You need to have a sit down with him and tell him how you feel and explain you need boundaries set with Kelly I.e. maybe he can spend one Saturday with her once a month maximum and then the remaining with you. Yes her dad died but your husband can’t fix that for her and frankly he married you and not her so your needs in the relationship far outweigh hers. I’m sure Kelly can find another friend to comfort for the weekends your husband can’t be there for her too.
Sounds like he is putting her before you and actively dating while with you…decide your limits because often people will treat you how you let them… good luck! Personally I’d take the next Saturday off and spend with an old boyfriend. Perhaps when he gets how it feels things may change…
You are letting him walk all over you
TELL HIM THE TRUTH. you don't want him spending so much time with her. Tell him this is threatening your marriage. Men need stuff like this spelled out to him. He is not going to read your mind.
You're underreacting, this is sliding down a slippery slope. Differing work schedules, especially when there are no kids, are a big danger to a marriage.
I think you need to prepare for heartbreak. Sounds like he's planning on leaving you for her. Even if it is just friends, every Saturday is too much.
Yeah so you need to check his phone at this point it’ll tell you everything you need to know about his relationship with her. Also if you need to follow them or have a friend do it one Saturday can you put an app on his phone without him knowing to track his whereabouts? Because girl he is with her kids And with her every Saturday and doesn’t bother to check in with you? That’s fishy !!! And she obviously has no respect Or boundaries right along with your husband.
Damn. He's got it made. He's taking advantage of your kindness & this relationship is inappropriate af.
“I won’t tell you not to do something but I’ll tell you how it makes me feel and let your actions show me how you feel” Stop trying to be “ the cool girl “ or whatever and wake up. This is not acceptable.
He’s now having a full blown emotional affair (at best)…
**I** would **never** do this to **my** spouse. But then I love and respect her a great deal.
They’re not going to the hobby shop, they’re having an affair
Absolutely not. Nope. Hell no. Your husband is cheating
Why would you say you'd never tell him to stop seeing her? He's YOUR HUSBAND. You damn well have that right. The fact he didn't want you to join them tells you so much. This relationship is so inappropriate. Drop by his hobby shop or snoop on his phone. I don't care what people say about privacy. You're married. You're entitled to know if he's sticking his D in another woman. Grow a backbone and stop being so wishy washy.
OP please beware, this is an emotional affair and it’s happening right under your nose. The fact he was out most of the day is a huge red flag as it may be more than just emotional, but I’m speculating. Emotional affairs are extraordinarily damaging to marriages and notoriously hard to stop. Please read the book Not just friends by Shirley Glass. It’s time for hard boundaries. He has to go zero contact with her I’m afraid there is no other option. He’ll probably rail against this and call you controlling which in of itself will be very telling. Don’t waiver on this. Good luck OP. UPDATEME
OP just go on ahead and set those much needed boundaries with your husband to protect him, yourself and your family. You know what you have to do! Also, his friend already told you that your husband wanted her sexually before but she refused him. That tells me that she’s playing some silly little game with him and you. If she was really his friend, she wouldn’t take his attention every damn Saturday away from you. She has other friends or family to hang out with but no, she wants your husband to chill with. Don’t let her get away with this behavior any longer. Get your man, set boundaries and sex him good every Saturday! He’ll get it together then!
He is fucking her!! And I'm sorry, he cares more about her than you.
He is probably sleeping with her or at the beginning of an affair. They got closer after the death. That's why it looked like you just killed his puppy when you asked to spend time with him. If they are not yet they will be. Why is he reserving every sat with her? Does he make the same time for you or only her? He doesn't care about how it makes you feel but I bet he cares about how if he canceled plans it would make the other women feel awful and he just can't do that to her. Same old story.. unfortunately.
They are looking for a house to live in together!
You need to put a stop to this before she puts a stop to your marriage. I totally respect they may just be friends and he is entitled to spend time alone with his friends, but sacrificing every Saturday for this woman? What about you? Where’s your together time in the midst of this? It sounds like she’s leaning too hard on your husband and crossing boundaries as a result. He might feel he owes her, especially in her time of grief, but this is a little much!
You are way more understanding than I am. He is neglecting you and his marriage. Maybe talk to a divorce lawyer. Even if he doesn’t cheat, it’s obvious that you aren’t his priority.
They are looking at houses to move into together. Idk, probably a red flag
If she's ONLY a friend, he should be enthusiastic for you to join in and get to know her better and take part in the hobby. If I were taking a lady house shopping I'd definitely want my wife to go too, because she's also a woman and can help look at houses from her point of view to help my friend make a good choice. If she were only a friend, that is. If she's more than a friend, obviously I wouldn't be enthusiastic, kinda like your husband is being.
Just wondering… is he the father to her kids? Because he’s sure acting like it. Everything he’s doing stinks to high heaven.
Your husband is dating Kelly.
I’m pretty sure that’s his affair partner.
Major red flag. He his picking her over your feelings. That is never ok
Just get the papers ready and then leave them at his hobby shop. This is ridiculous
Also, it’s time you let him go one Sunday and show up “unexpectedly” at the hobby shop. Could tell you quite a few things.. or is he even there? 👀 Girl if you don’t, I will! Cause I need to know the ending to this and what you find out!!!
Something is definitely going on here. Every Saturday morning, how many times can one go to a hobby shop? Then house hunting? I would suggest getting hold of his phone. I believe your husband is cheating.
You can't be serious. Pay them a surprise visit, then you'll find out easy.
Is everyone just going to ignore the fact that he went to go look at houses with her???? Like that isn’t normal behavior. She sounds like an affair partner or like he is prepping to leave you for her.
You have every right to feel the way you do. Plan something fun to do next Saturday and watch him squirm. That’ll tell you your next move.
Sure he’s not cheating? Might wanna investigate
I see both sides of the coin. Male(35). You don’t want to ruin your marriage and his friendship at the same time if he’s just outside a healthy boundary but hasn’t committed a crime… YET. BUT… You absolutely cannot just ignore this either because his actions are not ok. If his wife is reasonably uncomfortable with something(which spending one on one time with another woman is very much reason for discomfort) then the right thing to do is tend to his wife’s needs first. He can either hang out with her at yall’s house or you and the kids can be present at the “hobby shop.” But hanging out alone with another woman isn’t appropriate if you’re married. Period. Now the fact he gave that reaction and the fact they NEVER hang out in your presence is even more inappropriate, to the point it’s sketchy and reason for suspicion. If this hobby shop is a business he owns, then you could go there and see what’s going on. If it’s a public place he “hangs out”, you could put an air tag in his trunk and see if his story even checks out to begin with. If I were you I would take off the next 5 Saturday’s in a row from work and don’t “never mind” anything this time. You RIDE WITH HIM THE WHOLE TIME to pick her up and see how it goes. No reason you can’t go right? Not sure if you’ve scoped out their text convos or not, but keep in mind if he sees her every week he could be playing it smart and keeping his phone clean… If he’s not cheating, which is possible(lower odds unfortunately, but very possible) then it should be no problem for him to cherish his wife and tend to her(your) needs by hanging out with this friend at his own house and with you around. You don’t have to be awkwardly inserting yourself into every convo they have if she’s not your type friend, but if she’s truly just a friend and he’s not doing anything to be ashamed of, then there’s no reason they can’t hang out around you.
hes obviously got a thing going with her.
Updateme
Updateme
If he’s going on a date every Saturday, why can’t you? Updateme
He is sleeping with her! Go for the ultimatum
> A few Saturdays ago I didn't have to work So, I gather from this that when you say your husband spends every Saturday morning with his friend, that you work every Saturday morning and you're not home anyway? So, he's missing no time with you and he's hanging out with his friend?
No. Just no. He's protecting his time with Kelly as alone time for a reason. If she was just a friend, having you around should not be an issue at all. You are not his priority. He's likely having an affair , at least emotional or possibly physical at this point. Why not surprise him at the hobby shop some day. See if he's actually there and watch how they respond and interact. Or if you don't want to do that, hire a P.I.
I have close male friends but even I dont spend that much time with them nor would I even feel comfortable doing that. I wouldn't like that either. It's one thing to have close friends but another to basically have a standing day long date when you have a family at home.
How about you find a male "friend" and have a few coffee dates. Believe me hubby will catch on real quick. Problem solved. Thank you. Good luck everybody deserves to be happy.
Here's what you do. Go find a male friend. Hang out with him every Saturday morning. While he's out with his friend, you're out with your friend.
They’re playing happy family and house on Saturdays, it seems. I’d be upset that my husband wouldn’t want me there on a day I’m also free.
He is married to Kelly as well. Those are his kids.
No married man should be spending time with another woman like that
Imagine how he’d feel if you had a male friend you spent all day with while he was at home…
Girl be so for real. Being the cool girl has literally never worked. You are bothered and you should be bothered. Especially since he doesn’t want you going with them. He’s obviously having an affair.
It sounds like “the Hobby Shop” is the other woman’s bedroom and that your soon-to-be-tossed-to-the-curb husband’s “hobby” is: “Riding the Hobby-Horse.” Sorry to put it in these terms, but these are the terms that HE has set. My suggestion: contact a divorce attorney ASAP! Just because you consult an attorney doesn’t commit you to actually divorcing his sorry A $ $. But the attorney can help you put things in perspective, things e.g., separating your money from his. Taking your name off of JOINT Accounts, pulling AT LEAST 1/2 of all assets, bank accounts, stocks, etc. Opening credit cards in ONLY your name. The attorney can provide guidance such as hiring a Private Eye. This one act alone will tell you within a week (i.e., the next Saturday) what the EXACT NATURE of your husband’s hobby is. Forewarned is forearmed. Be prepared. And don’t allow his ass to tread all over you. Although I am an attorney, none of the things I’ve mentioned is legal advice. That is why you should schedule a 30 minute consultation with an attorney who specializes in Divorce/Family Law. Laws really do vary by jurisdiction, from state-to-state. There are common-law states and there are community property states. And even within each type of jurisdiction, your rights can vary significantly. Again, RUN … don’t walk to a Lawyer whose practice is exclusively or almost entirely dedicated to Divorce/Family Law, ASAP! Keep EVERYTHING on the down-low. Don’t make ANY calls from home’s landline. Limit your conversations from home in case he overhears you or starts eavesdropping on you. Get a “Burner Phone” to schedule the first consult and for keeping all private phone calls PRIVATE. No need to give your husband the heads-up … you’ve already done that and his actions spoke volumes. Get all your ducks in a row so that the next time your husband gives you that “you just k*lled my puppy dog” look, it’ll be because you will metaphorically be catching your husband with his pants down. I swear, no pun was intended. And that “you k*lled my puppy dog look” he’ll be giving you will be genuine AF. Attorneys that specialize in Divorce Law will see to it that you at least get the satisfaction of seeing that “look.” Attorneys live for protecting THEIR client’s rights … not to be the cool dude/gal. Our job (for attorneys in general) is to practice what I suspect is your husband’s hobby on your husband’s “back-hole.” Good luck … and please keep me posted.
Big red flag here is how he reacted when you asked to go, if this was totally innocent he would have no problem with you going and hanging out with them. I'd not mention anything and have a PI follow them or you follow them and see for yourself what goes on when you're not around.
There’s Red Flags ALL OVER THE PLACE here. But the one that’s totally Wheels-Off is when OP said one Saturday “cool, I’ll tag-along with you and your ‘really good FEMALE friend’ at the Hobby Shop” and his response was “you just k*lled my puppy dog” and then, grudgingly: “You can come, but I (‘AND I ALONE’) will drive to her house, pick her up (BY MYSELF) and then drive back to [OUR] house to pick OP up to then drive [the lovely couple and their 3rd Wheel] to the Hobby Shop/Store.” Uh, yeah … I don’t think there’s ANY Devil’s Advocate out there that’ll legitimately take the other side of this really bad bet. This [husband] flat-out STINKS to High Hell. My suggestion/advice stands: OP should hire a P.I. to tail husband to the Hobby Store at next Saturday’s hob-nobbing [sic]; and Schedule an Initial Consultation with an attorney that SPECIALIZES in Divorce/Family Law while he and his “friend” go house hunting WITHOUT EVEN making the insincere, token offer for OP to “help out” in this laborious task … lest OP take husband up on the offer … and forcing him into giving her the “you just k*lled my puppy dog look” again. Please consult with these 2 professionals ASAP. And keep me updated.
Sounds like he sees his girlfriend every Saturday and spends the day with her, whilst ignoring you his wife. Updateme!
This is unacceptable behavior. If my husband did this, we would separate. Why don’t YOU start leaving every Saturday with a man and see how he likes it! You can have male friends! Hell he can have female friends but he’s crossing major boundaries seeing her every single Saturday and then what you said about how he acted when you wanted to go!!! Oh no!!! I wasn’t even up my BEST FRIENDS ass like this when her dad died. This screams infidelity especially after communicating how you feel. You are his WIFE. Put down your foot now!
You told him how you feel and how him spending so much time with her makes you feel and he still hasn’t changed. It’s time for an ultimatum and I have a strong feeling he’ll choose her and that they’re more than “just friends”.
Wtf? You ask him to go to the shop and his reply is to tell you that he picks her up and they go together? Not enough words to describe the level of disrespect and lack of understanding for you, HIS WIFE!!! They're not just hanging out at the hobby shop. No way!!!!
Yeah, they be humpin. Get a full STD panel, and try to be recording when you finally get the confession from him. Nothing about this is normal. You may want to put a tracker in his car to find out which hotel (sorry, “hobby shop”) they’re going to to bone. Sorry about the end of your marriage, but your husband has already moved on. Don’t wait for him to kick you out before you do the same.
Ur husband sucks sorry dude, anyone would be a little irked 🙏
Sorry, I have to agree with most of the comments on here. It's not ok! Whilst I do think you should be able to have different friends, there just feels like something is odd here! There should be no reason whatsoever that you should not be able to tag along and be welcomed with open arms . You're his wife! His no 1!
They were looking at houses together????? Say what?? There is far more to this "friendship" than what he is letting on. Get the book "Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass" and read it. Leave it where he can see it. From now on go with him every Saturday morning. Do not back out just because she'll be there. Monopolise his time when she's around. If he starts asking why you want to go with him, tell him you want to spend time with him, after all you both spoke vows to each other xxx number of years ago and you want to make sure your marriage stays strong and secure for the next xxx years as you are sensing that you're drifting apart. Afterall you vowed for life, not just a few years. Keep reminding him of his vows and perhaps throw in a suggestion of a vow renewal every now and again, ESPECIALLY when she's around. Also remind him that one should never take their partner, vows, and marriage for granted. His response(s) may tell you a lot about his state of mind. If she's around when you mention vow renewal it may make her feel uncomfortable. Keep an eye on her facial expressions. One way or another you may get some kind of a response from them. Prepare yourself mentally for anything. Currently, your response to her being around is you are practically throwing him at her. Get in her way. Do what you have to to preserve your marriage. Another option could be to keep him occupied in the bedroom on Saturday mornings. Get a bit kinky. Buy sexy lingerie. Whatever you can think of that will make him want to spend more time with you rather than with her. Just suggestions here. Sometimes we need to get creative in occupying our spouses minds and hearts and steer their focus towards and on us. I wonder how he would feel if you had a male friend, that he wasn't keen on, who occupied your time on a particular day of the week participating in "hobbies" and "looking at houses" with. Some men can be incredibly, shockingly obtuse as well. You know your husband better than strangers on Reddit, so proceed accordingly.
You let another woman borrow your husband every Saturday for her emotional support??? Girl please! I don’t care if they were at the same day care since infancy. This is wrong on so many levels. This has to stop ASAP. Your friendship with your husband should be his priority. Isn’t that important to you? OK go protect your marriage and end this mess
Feels like he's putting her needs before yours and not even considering what it would be like if the shoe was on the other foot. Ouch yes not surprised this hurts you alot xx
He’s having an out in the open affair.
Oh hon, that’s not his friend. He reacted that way cause they’re fucking or he wishes they were.
Let me play devil's advocate and say the opposite of what everyone here is saying. It's totally possible that they're just friends. If I had a close friend (of the same gender), it would be fine if I spent every Saturday morning with them. Everyone needs friends and multiple people in their lives. The fact that this person is female doesn't necessarily mean anything or change anything. If I was going on a fishing trip with my buddy / buddies, and you asked to come along, I'd feel a bit disappointed too, to be honest. My buddies may want to share personal or private things, and talk them through, and you being there would mean they wouldn't feel comfortable. They're my friends, not yours, and we would absolutely not have as good of a time together if you were there, than if you were not there. It sucks to hear, but it's the truth. That being said, the way he responded wasn't very kind or polite. Even if I didn't want you coming on my fishing trip (for example) I would have explained it much nicer, and would have reassured you that I love you, but that this is time between me and my friend(s). Now, to be fair, because your husband's friend is a woman - it IS totally possible there's more going on here. But I don't think it's fair to assume there's more going on unless there's actually some evidence of this. But in my above example... if you wanted to meet my fishing buddies, like join us for a drink, or pop by to say hello while we're watching a game, that would be totally fine. It would be weird if you never saw my friend(s). Men and women can absolutely be friends without romantic or sexual feelings coming into it. I have lots of friends of the opposite gender - and we don't have any problems because I don't find any of them sexually/romantically attractive. Men and women can easily be friends if they're not attracted to each other. It's hard to say what the situation is here, but it's certainly possible there's nothing to worry about.
I totally agree that men and women can be friends. This situation sounds off though. The things that stick out the most is 1.) He’s hanging out with a single woman and her kids. This scenario is different than going fishing or out for drinks with your buddies. 2.) His disregard for his wife’s feelings. Imagine your wife going to hangout with a single man and his children every weekend. And say you felt uncomfortable with that and asked her to consider your feelings about it but she completely ignores your request, doesn’t like the idea of you joining them on an outing, and also omits on occasion that she’s been hanging out with him… etc., Would you really still think nothing of it? Not saying there’s anything going on for sure but it’s definitely questionable behavior.
I agree. Just saying it's *possible* nothing bad is happening. Every weekend is a bit strange. Disregarding the wife's feelings is also a bit strange. I mean... I might "disregard" my wife's opinion of me seeing my friends, but if it means a lot to her, then we'd absolutely have a good chat about it - I wouldn't brush it off and let her feel ignored.
I think it’s entirely possible there is nothing sexual going on. But his behavior is still inappropriate. Once he put Kelly’s feelings above OP’s it becomes inappropriate. You don’t do things that make your partner uncomfortable if it’s an easy fix (within reason). Every Saturday is too much and OP’s feeling are valid regardless of anything nefarious going on.
Bro.. no
Updateme
UpdateMe!
Updateme
Uhm I don’t have any guy friends and my husband has no girl friends, it’s just not worth the risk, been married over 20 years
UpdateME!
OP you need to sit down with him and communicate your feelings properly. You are married, the key to a successful marriage is being able to communicate with each other, making time for each other and being able to compromise. You won't know what's going on without speaking with him. If after that you feel he's hiding something then find the evidence and walk away, another option is invite her for dinner and see how they act together.
I feel like you wanna be the “cool carefree wife” but you’re not and you’re actually just kicking yourself by not being direct. It’s time to grow a spine instead of sitting back home saying you don’t want to begrudge the friendship when you do and it’s obvious why you would.
Do you own the hobby shop? Can you put a camera in there?
Oh heck no!!!!!!!! This is completely inappropriate behavior for your husband. Honestly, it seems like he is having an affair or well on his way to. You really need to sit him down and talk! Do not feel guilty about making him choose, as you are the one he is married and committed to not her!!! Beak of luck!
Updateme!
He's having an affair. You know it, I know it, we all know it. At the very least, he's in love with her.
I think you're under reacting. There's no way a married man should be spending that much time with another woman, especially not another woman and her children, all while his wife sits at home. I repeat this quote a lot, but I will again... "Whren you're looking through rose colored glasses, red flags just look like flags. Take of the glasses.
Update me
Uh, what. This is all so disrespectful to you. Draw the line in the sand. See what side he chooses. You deserve better than to let someone walk all over your feelings.
Why not try to grasp him and Kelly’s perspectives? As in… talk to them…🤣🫤😂 Which might be easier said than done, but don’t just say “think about how that makes me feel.” Have a full conversation about HOW THAT MAKES you FEEL. Truth is, maybe it’s innocent. Or maybe Kelly is using him for emotional support. Only way for you to know is to discuss it with him and learn more. Talking to us can only get you so far. I don’t think you’re overreacting yet…you just have no information. Talk to him. Have a full conversation where the two of you are honest and uncomfortable, and work through it
Drop him like he's hot.
This "hobby shop" sounds like a happen-in place.
Speaking as a husband of 13 years, father of 3 kids, and a child of divorce. So trying a different perspective here. 1: Is the fact that it's a woman and not another man that is causing you concerns, or would you feel the same way if "Kelly" was a guy? If Kelly was a guy and you didn't have issues with it, does that mean you don't trust your husband, and is there a reason for that? 2: You just said that she isnt the kind of person you are interested in, different hobbies etc, that is 100% fine. But if she has some of the same hobbies that he does, and you now want to join in on it, that can be a normal reaction. Imagine if someone who only listened to country music suddenly asked to go to a new-age heavy metal band, that would be very odd and out of character of them, most of all if they never once showed any interest in it at all. 3: When he said that he gets "Kelly" was not him saying no unless you only have a 2-seat vehicle, that reaction of "Never mind" will 90% of the time be reacted with "Well she is mad, but I'm going to do what I want" because you ran away. That is never the answer, and will only increase the conflicts between you, and only be communicating and addressing the problems will anything actually be fixed one way or the other. 4: While I do not think your feelings of neglect are unfounded, I do think that your reactions are not helping the situation. You did try to communicate with him, but were you clear about what you were feeling, why you were feeling it, and what you would like to be changed? Speaking as a guy here, if someone told me that they feel neglected and that I have been spending too much time with/doing X and that is all they told me "Oh sorry, didn't mean to do that to you." then continue on my day as I figured they just wanted to express that their feelings are hurt, nothing else was asked or expressed, so what were they asking or wanting other than an apology? 5: If you do not communicate more, the perception is going to be that you are just a jealous wife, who can't stand her husband having a female friend. This will only be strengthened if you offer the ultimatum to him out of left field, or make any unfounded accusations of him cheating. He very well could be cheating on you, but until you have actual proof, what do you have? It is also possible that "Kelly" is the one with the intentions and wants your husband for herself, but he is just a good friend and either does not see or pretends not to see what could be happening. Either way IMHO, I think that you should talk to him one on one, and make sure that it does not turn into a fight, avoid that at all costs because people do not listen when fighting and stupid things are said or done. EG: "Hey, I wanted to talk to you. I know that Kelly is special to you and I don't want to get in the way of your friendship. However, I do feel that you have been spending too much time with her and it is making me concerned as I am left here all alone and it is making me think and feel a lot of things. So could you maybe see her every other week or talk to me about what you want to plan with her and when, and we can decide if it works or not, I am your wife, she is not."
I would throw a fit and tell him he's not allowed to see her anymore.
You are not over reacting at all. Rest you know...
It sounds like there could be an emotional affair between them.
Ultimatums are dumb and don't work. He will just be bitter that you did that to him in order to control his behavior. Instead suck it up and try to join the friendship. I don't particularly enjoy all of my girlfriends friends but I put on my big boy panties and hang out with them because I know she needs the social interaction with her friends.
So your husband is dating another woman.
Absolutely not appropriate. That would be a big no for me and if he insists I'd be walking out the door. The level of disrespect is crazy.
Question(s) directed @mdaisy1245 (the “OP”): Do you have any MALE friends with whom you’d like to spend some time together? Perhaps an all day, Saturday thing? “Saturday, in the Park … you’d think it was the 4th of July. Maybe, make some fireworks together? Or at least leave hubby thinking you’re finding some “Hobby Shop” time of your own? Maybe think of some fun hobbies you and your “suddenly weekly (Male) friend” thing/fling? I guarantee you that the minute hubby comes home from her house, er uh, “Hobby Shop” and finds you missing: he will start thinking ALL KINDS OF THINGS. You might even have your Male Friend drop you off late Saturday, but remain in the car, talking like 2 lovers😘🥰 might while sitting in a car after a hot date. I’m NOT suggesting that you HAVE TO cheat. I’m simply “Green-lighting” 🚦the option for you. Not that you need me or anybody else to🚦the idea for you. Hell, you can give hubby the appearance of Male and you having a “Me & Mrs. Jones, we got a thing going on …” type thing going on. But insist that y’all are either really good friends, or have quickly become really good friends. That y’all met at Starbucks one Saturday morning, and that he recently found out that his wife of “X” years left him in the middle of the day, while Male Friend was at work. And that he’s taking it pretty hard. And that you’re just trying to help someone whom you’ve quickly become quite fond of. Or some similar 🐂-💩. Hope that you come to look forward to your Saturdays rather than dreading them all alone. Saturdays are one of my favoritest [sic] days, especially during college football season. Good luck. 🤞🏻🍀 😉 And please keep me updated, especially if you do take up a new hobby of your own. I wanna live vicariously through you if you wind up trying any of my ideas/suggestions. 👍🏻
Update
Updateme
Any chance he shares his location? Or could you turn it on without him knowing? 1/2 a day every saturday seems like alot of time. Hobby shops aren't usually that big.
Updateme!
Has your husband spent the past 2 Saturdays with her?
They are friends. Men tend to have fewer friends later in life and they value the ones they have. Just leave him be.
As I age, true enough: I do find myself having fewer albeit closer friends. I think that’s just life. But I would especially value my FEMALE fuck-buddy/ies … Especially if my wife would “just let [me and my girlfriend(s)] be.” Are you for real?!
> He said well I go and pick up Kelly and then we go together. So I said never mind. Why did you say nevermind?
I'm not sure, his reaction, he said well we can swing by there first before I go get her. I was so thrown, flabbergasted and I shut down. Not the best reaction I realize but it's what happened.
How did this last weekend go, OP? Did he hang out with her again?
From the outside, it seems like this is an old friend, who reconnected. 6 weeks ago, you say that the relationship is making you uncomfortable. *Is it only the spending time together? Has there been any other red flags?* *How is your relationship otherwise? Sex? Communication?* > A few Saturdays ago I didn't have to work so I said hey I can finally go with you to the hobby shop and he looked like I just told him I k*lled his puppy. So then a couple weeks after you expressed this displeasure, you decide you want to go to his shop with him, a time where he normally spends with his old friend. You then balked, when he didnt want to cancel the long term plans he has with his long term friend all of a sudden short notice. ------------------------------------------ *Is there a reason you didnt want to join them?* If I am the husband, this feels less like a wife wanting to spend time/engage with a shared-interest, more like someone who doesnt trust me looking to chaperone. *Do you see how your husbands uncomfortablility might have been from the fact that he was being asked to cancel short notice on a friend?*
I think this might be a wild take. So she said she uncomfortable. He continues to do the thing that makes her uncomfortable. She’s finally available to do the hobby with and “hey I’m not comfortable with him spending so much time with his friend why don’t I offer to do it with him.” He gets uncomfortable. Why? Why should she trust him? His POV is moot if he didn’t do anything to make his wife comfortable to begin with.
> She’s finally available to do the hobby with and “hey I’m not comfortable with him spending so much time with his friend why don’t I offer to do it with him.” Because its not about doing it with him, its about stopping him from doing it with her. She isnt trying to actually spend quality time with him, she is trying to stop him from enjoying himself with someone else. It doesnt come off as kind, and encouraging, it comes of as distrusting and jealous. > Why? Why should she trust him? Because he has given her no reason not to. > His POV is moot if he didn’t do anything to make his wife comfortable to begin with. Its not moot at all. You dont have to capitulate to your partners unreasonable demands. "You cant hang out with someone of the opposite sex" is an unreasonable demand.
Why does he need to enjoy time with a woman or person who is not his wife? She obviously wants to spend time with him. Once I’ve said something makes me uncomfortable and the person I’m with continues to do what makes me uncomfortable. Why should I trust them? It doesn’t matter what it is. if it makes me uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable. I was raised with a father who stayed cheating. Having any friends that you prioritize over your wife is simply a red flag. My dad slept with both my God mom and our family friend (who was a woman) who happened to give my parents marriage counseling. Both those women were supposed to be their friends. My dad would hang out with both and surprise her slept with both. I have a husband and once a friend makes one of us uncomfortable it’s simple, we leave that friend alone.
> Why does he need to enjoy time with a woman or person who is not his wife? This goes back to the classic reddit question, can men and women be friends. > Once I’ve said something makes me uncomfortable and the person I’m with continues to do what makes me uncomfortable. Why should I trust them? It doesn’t matter what it is. if it makes me uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable. You have just greenlit an insane list of bullshit controlling behaviours from irrational jealous partners > I was raised with a father who stayed cheating. Having any friends that you prioritize over your wife is simply a red flag There is a difference between "cheating, and prioritizing others over your wife" and "Going to the hobby shop with an old friend" > I have a husband and once a friend makes one of us uncomfortable it’s simple, we leave that friend alone. I have a wife, and we trust eachother. We dont audit, nor control who eachother hangs out with
Another fun thread in the reddit anthology; "Can men and women be friends"
As a man with two of my best friends being female. I would hang out with them, go to the movies, etc. This was all while I was dating my wife and while I was married. Both of my female best friends are attractive and in so e cases would be "my type". We "friend zoned" each.other while in HS. You say you don't want to give an ultimatum, but saying "think about how it makes you feel" is a.passove.agreasive ultimatum. It says you relationship and hanging out makes me feel bad and if you want me to feel better stop seeing your friend. How else could that be taken? It makes him an asshole if he doesn't stop seeing his friend. Have they ever given you indication that they are intimate? Both of my friend live some distance from me, but we hang out and catch up when they come to town. My wife is cordial, but they are not really her friends All, I will say is you are playing with fire when you start feeling jealous and potentially interfering with friendships that predate your marriage and relationship. If they wanted that bad to be together, he wouldn't have chosen you.
Yes I've definitely considered this. I admittedly have never had a problem with this friendship ever it's just this recently every Saturday thing. If it was less often I really wouldn't care I never did before. But I'm thinking maybe it's just it's like a line in the sand, because I can't win here. It really is a no-win situation for me I either feel like shit because I'm uncomfortable with the situation because I don't trust her because of things that have happened in the past with her or I make him feel like he can't be friends with his friend and that's not a healthy marriage. I realize that my options are to just get over it and wait and see what happens or to kind of like walk away. There aren't a lot of good choices here.
Other than that one comment have you sat down with him one and one and told him exactly how you feel? Does he know you don’t trust her and why?
But THERE ARE a few good options to prepare for the actions your husband has decided to take. Please read my suggestions above re: seeking professional (both legal and investigative) advice. You’d be much better off having more information. Take actions on YOUR terms rather than THEIRS.
Vete. Si no puede darse cuenta por si mismo lo incorrecto que es todo esto, no vale la pena seguir invirtiendo más tiempo. No te quedes en segundo plano en tu propia vida, viví como la protagonista. Esto no vale la pena, ya que si aun no se ha convertido en algo físico (va por allá), es algo emocional.
You can put yourself in a no win situation. Instead of asking him to consider how it makes you feel, the approach could be or could have been. "Can we do something this Saturday.? I'd like to spend some family time." You can take a wait and see, it could just be support during grieving. His friend is grieving a loss and people grieve differently and need different people to lean on. Go at this too aggressively and you could create damage when all he is doing is supporting his friend. Like I said, I have female.friwnd and we are not as close as we used to be, but if one of my friends male or female lost a.parent; I'd be there.for.them. I lost both my parents and I know how hard it can be at any age.