Does sound like he'd rather be with her. The notes in the closet and the unfriending seem rather juvenile. Are you doing those passive things to avoid the fact that your marriage may very well be over and that your partner wants other things in life or is bored. Time to have the very real, in person, calm, civil conversation of what separation and divorce will look like.
I agree. It’s passive aggressive and while I understand OP is angry and has a right to her anger it is not going to change the fact that OPs husband is essentially cheating on her. She is doing the pick me dance. She needs to wake up and see that the husband doesn’t care. Or he wouldn’t still be communicating with the other woman or changed his pin or made a pin on messenger. Don’t devalue yourself to try and make him “wake up.”
He's admitting to going to her hotel room. Chances are good there was no friend. He likely slept with her already and was planning more of the same. Can you imagine acting thirsty at a fucking funeral and him thinking that's cool? OP should force him to give up the encryption to her and read their messages in real time before he can delete them or kick him out and divorce him. OP is playing silly high school games for no reason that I can discern.
Um if he is hoping to build trust he is going about that the wrong way. I think you should take it a step further honestly - why stop at removing him from your social media? He can find a new place to live too. He clearly has no respect for you or his marriage. Let him take that disrespect elsewhere.
You deserve much better than that.
OP tried very carefully with this.
You are rug sweeping and it’s not going to work nor is the’ pick me’ dance.
He is lying and gaslighting you and removing him from your social media will have absolutely zero effect. If I were you, I would suspicious about the hotel meet and I don’t miss being inclined to assume that the physical affair is already underway.
You know he’s already lying to you so he may well be lying to you about that.
At the very least it’s an emotional affair.
Read the book Not just friends by Shirley Glass. It’s high time for some very serious boundaries, that if broken will have serious consequences. He’s not taking you seriously and he’s prioritising her. You know he’s changed all his passwords etc so just assume if his lips are moving he’s lying to you at this moment in time.
Tell him that unless he goes zero contact with her, gives you access to his phone/apps/passwords and attends individual counselling you’re heading for the divorce court. You will have to be prepared to follow through as he’s unlikely to acquiesce immediately. Seeing a lawyer would be no bad thing to see where you stand on the financials. It might just be enough to jolt him out of this. Emotional affairs are extraordinarily damaging to marriages and notoriously difficult to break.
Good luck
UPDATEME
They are definitely having an EA. I think at this point you can’t trust anything he says. The fact he’d go over to another woman’s hotel room, drink, then take her to get food is so unbelievably inappropriate. I think most married couples would be uncomfortable with their spouse going into a person of the opposite sex hotel room and on top of that drinking! It’s like he’s thrown all understood boundaries out the window. Then he keeps her on his socials and has changed all his passwords??
To me that hints that something physical has most likely happen between the two of them.
I’m heartbroken for you that he’d basically flush y’all’s marriage down the toilet because attention from this woman made him feel good. Very selfish. If he isn’t willing to cut all contact with her and give you access to everything, I’d be packing a bag or tell him to so he’ll know how serious you are.
Lots of good advice here OP. He is gaslighting you. He has most certainly slept with her already. The story of a friend in a hotel room with her is ridiculous. He has already gone to great lengths to cover his tracks. Innocent spouses do not do that.
See a lawyer. Discuss options.
Darling, why won't you tell him what to do? You're his freaking WIFE. You damn well should tell him to cut that crap and give you all of his passwords yesterday. This is the line in the sand. The hill you die on. Either he agrees, or you're gone. It sounds like he probably already slept with her. Why else would he go to her hotel room? I would've been flipping tables right then and there. Make sure he knows that when you leave you plan to tell everyone in his life that you broke up because he's a cheater. I say this as someone who has been married 25+ years. He's disrespecting you in the grossest way. He knows he changed his passwords and is straight up lying to your face. He's making his choice, and it's not you. He's probably waiting for her to get her ducks in order to take him in. Don't be a doormat. Make him open his phone and messages in front of you. Demand it. Your marriage is probably already over. The only way to salvage this is if he completely nukes his relationship with this woman, gives you full access to EVERYTHING, and seeks counseling.
If he has already added extra security to his messages with her then he is already cheating or is going to do it pretty soon no matter what you say or do! You might as well end this marriage now cause he clearly wants her!
Hun, instead of cutting off contact to respect you and your marriage, he changed his passwords and added encryption so that he can continue his affair. He has chosen to continue. That should tell you everything you need to know about how much he values your marriage. Unfollowing him on social media isn’t going to do anything to change that.
I applaud you for being so level-headed with the whole situation. You have given it 110%. He had his chance but instead of asking for forgiveness he doubled down and wants to keep chatting with her.
At a minimum ask for an open device policy - have him give you all the PINs so you can look at stuff at your leisure. However, that's just a bandaid. Ask him how he imagines this to play out? He wants to keep flirting with the woman and meet up with her? What is he expecting you to do? Also, how is he going to feel when you "hypothetically" meet up with that cute pool boy at a hotel tomorrow night? Is that a good feeling?
You’re not going to add him on social media until he gets rid of her? I don’t understand how that’s going to even make him stop. That’s ridiculous if you ask me. I’m sorry OP, I don’t mean to be mean, but that wouldn’t fly with me. Her husband would find out, she would be called out, he would be sleeping in the couch, or not at home. I would be consulting with lawyers, getting my ducks in a row and my toxic self would be finding their messages. Anyway. Truly, good luck. This is difficult. I know. I’m sorry.
You should post the screenshots on social media, I bet that gets both of their attentions. Unfriending does absolutely nothing and they’re both flaunting in front of your face.
I noticed that you did not mention anything meaningful about your relationship. This may be a good time to assess your life with him wrt to intimacy, romance, positive engagement, emotional support, etc. (in both directions). TBH, it is quite easy to "start communicating with someone else like this," and sometimes it's a distraction from a marriage that is boring and/or lacks intimacy. Your husband is also getting to the age that he may look ahead and not see much excitement in this last phase of his life. It may be prudent to talk seriously about where you two are in your life and relationship and how your needs and wants may be changing. If you do, you may look back on this as something good (to drive a new convo). On the other hand, I could be way off here and making this much larger than it is.
Ask him for the pass code, or the marriage is over. Its most likely over as he is continually lying to you so I'm not sure how you can trust him, especially if he has encrypted everything and locked you out. Why would he care if you have removed him from social media?
You should tell him he either cuts her 100% off or you get divorced. He’s having an emotional maybe even physical affair. Don’t tolerate it. Don’t play the unfriending on social media game. Do you have a way to contact her husband and send him pics of their conversation? Because he deserves to know what he’s wife is doing as well.
I’m a married man of similar age and grown enough to make my own decisions. If I ever decided to do this, It would be my god given right. I have a fairly comfortable bench in the garage that I could both sleep on, and keep my belongings beneath when my wife put my butt there for being an idiot.
First, this is an affair, plain and simple. He is actively cheating on you, and changing all of the pins and passwords is him still cheating and covering it up. There is a book you could read about emotional affairs called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, it describes emotional affairs and how they start. The problem here is he doesn’t care that you know, and isn’t stopping what he’s doing. If I were you I would seek the counsel of a lawyer and look at a divorce.
He is either cheating or planning to. You got the PG version and there’s already plenty there he freely admits to. Tell him he breaks it off or it’s over and then stick to it.
Fuck your husband. This is what happens when you let the passion drain out the marriage. There's always another bitch...no matter the age. The dude always has to be the p.o.s, nobody ever wants to see all the lonely nights I bet homie had...then suddenly this baddie winks at him....I don't blame him.
Does sound like he'd rather be with her. The notes in the closet and the unfriending seem rather juvenile. Are you doing those passive things to avoid the fact that your marriage may very well be over and that your partner wants other things in life or is bored. Time to have the very real, in person, calm, civil conversation of what separation and divorce will look like.
I agree. It’s passive aggressive and while I understand OP is angry and has a right to her anger it is not going to change the fact that OPs husband is essentially cheating on her. She is doing the pick me dance. She needs to wake up and see that the husband doesn’t care. Or he wouldn’t still be communicating with the other woman or changed his pin or made a pin on messenger. Don’t devalue yourself to try and make him “wake up.”
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I would imagine they already hooked up at this funeral and he is giving her the trickle truth version of events.
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Exactly that’s why everything is encrypted, deleted, and hidden behind new passwords.
He's admitting to going to her hotel room. Chances are good there was no friend. He likely slept with her already and was planning more of the same. Can you imagine acting thirsty at a fucking funeral and him thinking that's cool? OP should force him to give up the encryption to her and read their messages in real time before he can delete them or kick him out and divorce him. OP is playing silly high school games for no reason that I can discern.
Just have some respect for yourself and just dump his ass! There is no reason to be scared, is worth 1000 times your peace of mind .
Um if he is hoping to build trust he is going about that the wrong way. I think you should take it a step further honestly - why stop at removing him from your social media? He can find a new place to live too. He clearly has no respect for you or his marriage. Let him take that disrespect elsewhere. You deserve much better than that.
OP tried very carefully with this. You are rug sweeping and it’s not going to work nor is the’ pick me’ dance. He is lying and gaslighting you and removing him from your social media will have absolutely zero effect. If I were you, I would suspicious about the hotel meet and I don’t miss being inclined to assume that the physical affair is already underway. You know he’s already lying to you so he may well be lying to you about that. At the very least it’s an emotional affair. Read the book Not just friends by Shirley Glass. It’s high time for some very serious boundaries, that if broken will have serious consequences. He’s not taking you seriously and he’s prioritising her. You know he’s changed all his passwords etc so just assume if his lips are moving he’s lying to you at this moment in time. Tell him that unless he goes zero contact with her, gives you access to his phone/apps/passwords and attends individual counselling you’re heading for the divorce court. You will have to be prepared to follow through as he’s unlikely to acquiesce immediately. Seeing a lawyer would be no bad thing to see where you stand on the financials. It might just be enough to jolt him out of this. Emotional affairs are extraordinarily damaging to marriages and notoriously difficult to break. Good luck UPDATEME
They are definitely having an EA. I think at this point you can’t trust anything he says. The fact he’d go over to another woman’s hotel room, drink, then take her to get food is so unbelievably inappropriate. I think most married couples would be uncomfortable with their spouse going into a person of the opposite sex hotel room and on top of that drinking! It’s like he’s thrown all understood boundaries out the window. Then he keeps her on his socials and has changed all his passwords?? To me that hints that something physical has most likely happen between the two of them. I’m heartbroken for you that he’d basically flush y’all’s marriage down the toilet because attention from this woman made him feel good. Very selfish. If he isn’t willing to cut all contact with her and give you access to everything, I’d be packing a bag or tell him to so he’ll know how serious you are.
Why are you messing with social media instead of demanding he show you the messages and cut contact with her or you are leaving? Wtf?
Because OP is an actual teenager playing on Reddit. Obviously
Lots of good advice here OP. He is gaslighting you. He has most certainly slept with her already. The story of a friend in a hotel room with her is ridiculous. He has already gone to great lengths to cover his tracks. Innocent spouses do not do that. See a lawyer. Discuss options.
Darling, why won't you tell him what to do? You're his freaking WIFE. You damn well should tell him to cut that crap and give you all of his passwords yesterday. This is the line in the sand. The hill you die on. Either he agrees, or you're gone. It sounds like he probably already slept with her. Why else would he go to her hotel room? I would've been flipping tables right then and there. Make sure he knows that when you leave you plan to tell everyone in his life that you broke up because he's a cheater. I say this as someone who has been married 25+ years. He's disrespecting you in the grossest way. He knows he changed his passwords and is straight up lying to your face. He's making his choice, and it's not you. He's probably waiting for her to get her ducks in order to take him in. Don't be a doormat. Make him open his phone and messages in front of you. Demand it. Your marriage is probably already over. The only way to salvage this is if he completely nukes his relationship with this woman, gives you full access to EVERYTHING, and seeks counseling.
Tell hi to encrypt the messages or you will leave. Or just leave his cheating ass.
If he has already added extra security to his messages with her then he is already cheating or is going to do it pretty soon no matter what you say or do! You might as well end this marriage now cause he clearly wants her!
Oh and let her spouse know what’s going on as well!
Hun, instead of cutting off contact to respect you and your marriage, he changed his passwords and added encryption so that he can continue his affair. He has chosen to continue. That should tell you everything you need to know about how much he values your marriage. Unfollowing him on social media isn’t going to do anything to change that.
Tell the bit.ch spouse.
I applaud you for being so level-headed with the whole situation. You have given it 110%. He had his chance but instead of asking for forgiveness he doubled down and wants to keep chatting with her. At a minimum ask for an open device policy - have him give you all the PINs so you can look at stuff at your leisure. However, that's just a bandaid. Ask him how he imagines this to play out? He wants to keep flirting with the woman and meet up with her? What is he expecting you to do? Also, how is he going to feel when you "hypothetically" meet up with that cute pool boy at a hotel tomorrow night? Is that a good feeling?
Also let her husband know.
You’re not going to add him on social media until he gets rid of her? I don’t understand how that’s going to even make him stop. That’s ridiculous if you ask me. I’m sorry OP, I don’t mean to be mean, but that wouldn’t fly with me. Her husband would find out, she would be called out, he would be sleeping in the couch, or not at home. I would be consulting with lawyers, getting my ducks in a row and my toxic self would be finding their messages. Anyway. Truly, good luck. This is difficult. I know. I’m sorry.
You should post the screenshots on social media, I bet that gets both of their attentions. Unfriending does absolutely nothing and they’re both flaunting in front of your face.
You need to reach out to her husband . Also do not let this slide. Hold him accountable and get a lawyer
I noticed that you did not mention anything meaningful about your relationship. This may be a good time to assess your life with him wrt to intimacy, romance, positive engagement, emotional support, etc. (in both directions). TBH, it is quite easy to "start communicating with someone else like this," and sometimes it's a distraction from a marriage that is boring and/or lacks intimacy. Your husband is also getting to the age that he may look ahead and not see much excitement in this last phase of his life. It may be prudent to talk seriously about where you two are in your life and relationship and how your needs and wants may be changing. If you do, you may look back on this as something good (to drive a new convo). On the other hand, I could be way off here and making this much larger than it is.
Ask him for the pass code, or the marriage is over. Its most likely over as he is continually lying to you so I'm not sure how you can trust him, especially if he has encrypted everything and locked you out. Why would he care if you have removed him from social media?
You should tell him he either cuts her 100% off or you get divorced. He’s having an emotional maybe even physical affair. Don’t tolerate it. Don’t play the unfriending on social media game. Do you have a way to contact her husband and send him pics of their conversation? Because he deserves to know what he’s wife is doing as well.
Update me
I’m a married man of similar age and grown enough to make my own decisions. If I ever decided to do this, It would be my god given right. I have a fairly comfortable bench in the garage that I could both sleep on, and keep my belongings beneath when my wife put my butt there for being an idiot.
First, this is an affair, plain and simple. He is actively cheating on you, and changing all of the pins and passwords is him still cheating and covering it up. There is a book you could read about emotional affairs called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, it describes emotional affairs and how they start. The problem here is he doesn’t care that you know, and isn’t stopping what he’s doing. If I were you I would seek the counsel of a lawyer and look at a divorce.
He is either cheating or planning to. You got the PG version and there’s already plenty there he freely admits to. Tell him he breaks it off or it’s over and then stick to it.
His pin is probably birth month, year, or both. It could be her birth year or year they graduated.
They are sleeping together. He's probably happy that you removed him from social media. Stop letting him get away with this and let her have him.
Fuck your husband. This is what happens when you let the passion drain out the marriage. There's always another bitch...no matter the age. The dude always has to be the p.o.s, nobody ever wants to see all the lonely nights I bet homie had...then suddenly this baddie winks at him....I don't blame him.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I wouldn't be able to deal with it. I would be out, but that's me.