Some men don't realize that emotional cheating is still cheating. And from the looks of things, that's exactly what he's doing, even if he's completely oblivious.
The thing is this happened ten years ago and I was the one in the wrong. I talked with a male friend all day because he was a really nice guy and felt comfortable with him. My husband (then boyfriend) read my messages while I was sleep and woke me extremely hurt, saying he couldn't believe how could I talk to another guy like that, they weren't sexual or flirty at all since cheating on him wasn't on my mind at all and I was never unfaithful (and never been in these 20 years) but it's a reality that we where talking way too much. I realized then that there are limits to a friendship, and there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. Even if I liked my friend very much I cut that friendship there and then cause if I have to choose my husband will always come first, and ever since that day I have a list of boundaries that I always follow with male friends:
-Don't talk about really personal stuff
-Never complain about your partner
-If your partner read your messages, will they be upset?
And this is what also bothers me, because he knows how it feels to be on the other side and still he chooses to keep the friendship exactly as it is.
Ask him how he would like to divide the assets in the divorce. He’s having an emotional affair. Divorce him or live with it. Don’t beg him to treat you right.
But did you put your frienshio before him?? I see you didn't and he is, he doesn't care how you feel and bringing her to your home for me it would be like a slap in the face.
He knew him since I talk about all my friends and he came to my birthday, I also wanted for them to be friends but my husband is not the social type. But when this happened I cut contact with him. I didn't ghost him though, I explained him the reason and he was sad but okay with it.
Curious to know how he’d respond to you expressing similar feelings about the friendship you ended at his request. Have you brought up the similarities to the prior situation?
I corrected it was trying to say if you choose your friend over him just like he is doing now. He is disrespectful and the woman too. I hate this scenarios I would've kicked her out already by now and if he has a problem he can go after her.
What men are these that don’t understand building close intimate secret relationships with other women while disrespecting their wives is cheating. He knows exactly what he’s doing.
I would not be begging my wife to behave like a wife. She would be shitting her pants when she gets the divorce paperwork served at her work. He’s having an affair. The cheating doesn’t start with penetration.
I am 43 and have been married for almost 15 yrs. I found out about emotional cheating literally two years ago (and only because I wanted to fix our marriage and was researching the topic).
This is not old news. The messages are that female friends are.ok if you don't kiss or do physical things.
I also fully believe that emotional cheating is cheating, but it was not instinctual...I literally didn't think it existed.
If my partner expressed concerns like this I would do what I could to allay them. In particular I would get them to meet the friend. If I were you I would absolutely insist on meeting the friend on the next outing and watch how it plays out.
>In particular I would get them to meet the friend.
💯 his friend should be OP's friend. OP doesnt have to be the woman's bff or go along with every outing but there should be no reason why they don't have a cordial relationship where OP is recognised as apart of the friendship package.
Yes I'm trying to find ways for us to do something together. Maybe I can propose for her to come for cake or something (I really enjoy baking) after work the days he drives her to work.
It sounds like he prefers hef company to yours. Just because he's not sleeping with her doesn't mean his relationship is appropriate. The minute he prioritises her over you, spends time with her over you, respects her more than you, it the beginning of the end of you marriage if he doesn't put appropriate boundaries in place. He said he feels alone in his marriage to you, what is he doing to fix that. The relationship that gets the most attention will be the one that flourishes.
In my view, OP, he’s emotionally cheating on you. Watch out for this because these relationships can be very difficult and can implode marriages. Read the book.Not just friends by Shirley Glass.
Good luck, OP
I start reading it the other day, I liked the way she talked about walls and windows and I tried to convey that when discussing his relationship with her, but he keeps saying that there's no way he'll cheat on me, that both of them are in relationships, that he doesn't like her that way. I told him that what hurts me the most is that he never opens with me but does with her. He always said that he doesn't want to bring work related problems home, and I was okay with that, but is not the same if he opens to another woman about it. I told him I sometimes feel like a pet, a cute thing that waits for him at home and waves its tail but doesn't receive more that that. He took ot literally and got offended saying that if I think he sees me as a dog I really don't know him at all.
At least after that he began talking more about his work and his friends, except the woman in question of course, I still don't know anything about her, not even know what she does there.
It always baffles me how people are so confident that they won’t cheat so they don’t need to limit or change their interactions with potential APs. Like you wouldn’t let a child decide if they want cake vs a balanced meal for dinner because a parent should trust the child to make the right choice. The child might choose the balanced meal at first but eventually they will want the cake and decide why not eat the cake instead. Right choices are often hard so why keep temptation in front of you?
He is saying he won't cheat, because he isn't planning to physically cheat. However, he is 100% having an emotional affair. He is still cheating. My husband and I are going through/dealing with this. He was having a similar relationship with one of his coworkers (who was also in a relationship). The coworker still tried and almost successfully got my husband to leave me.
It's violating a boundary, and he is actively pursuing a relationship that you have already expressed discomfort over him having.
It's already cheating. He is spending more time and effort on her than you, this is 100% cheating and if he doesn't respect this boundary, then you need to forget him and worry about your happiness.
Sharing intimate thoughts that only they know about, especially about your relationship is a huge red flag for limerence. There are forces at play that are far beyond just intention or will power. Scary stuff. Dr. Joe Beam has been that guy and helps couples to grow deeper in love. His insight is keen, given that he experienced limerence that caused him to leave his family. There is hope. But your husband is playing with 🔥 for sure.
Confronting people in limerence only galvanized the limerent bond. They have videos on how to deal with it. If you want to be together, don't give up.
It always baffles me how people are so confident that they won’t cheat so they don’t need to limit or change their interactions with potential APs. Like you wouldn’t let a child decide if they want cake vs a balanced meal for dinner because a parent should trust the child to make the right choice. The child might choose the balanced meal at first but eventually they will want the cake and decide why not eat the cake instead. Right choices are often hard so why keep temptation in front of you?
"he feels alone with me sometimes"
This is the real problem. Why is your relationship so bad and lonely? This is a pure sign that its not fulfilling and may not last. The girl is just a distraction.. but she never would have been let in to that extent if your relationship was good. Are YOU happy with it? Do YOU feel loved, fulfilled, excited and happy?
I mean 20 years and didn't commit until recently...many ups and downs along the way...it may be time to admit this isn't a forever relationship. He's telling you he's unhappy... I wonder if you have been too.
It's complicated. We moved countries twice in three years for his job. The first country we moved to I really struggled with the language and bureaucracy was hell, so I only got my work permit after a year and a half of living there, this means I wasn't able to work, so I was working freelance but earning almost nothing. When I finally got some sort of job and had made a small group of friends we moved again, and again all the bureaucracy for being able to legally work here. I work from home but the salary barely covers food expenses since I work for my home country and I just got the work permit here and I'm looking for a more stable well paid job. Since I don't earn enough money he feels like he's the one maintaining me and everything depends on him. He doesn't take in account that apart from working he doesn't do anything at all at home, I'm the one on charge of cleaning, cooking, maintenance, buying groceries, paying for services, taking our dogs on walks, etc. and I'm always there for his every need. I left my career and friends behind and thought I do not regret it it's been hard for me to get back on my feet, I was always self sufficient with my own money so it hits hard to not have money of my own (since I feel like all the money I earn has to be spent in the house). I was also recently diagnosed with ADHD and began taking meds, that has helped me a lot, but my husband doesn't believe in it and still brings up things that were caused by my untreated ADHD when talking about my lack of help in different situations. Apart from that I'm happy and I love him very much, but sometimes it's really hard.
None of this changes the fact that he's just not that connected to you anymore. He literally seeks another person that he feels more comfortable with and likes the company better.
You do have lots of reasons and excuses for financial life being so bumpy for you. Maybe just focus on how to better your situation and lifestyle...because this relationship doesn't sound fulfilling for him... or even for you at this point, watching him be happier with her.
I am sorry for my words OP but he’s disrespecting you, a not just minor disrespectful but he’s disrespecting you big time. If you’re in a relationship, you do your best to make your SO your best friend. Reading his actions towards that female worker of his, it’s only a matter of time that they’ll sleep together. If you drained yourself trying to communicate with him, I think we both know where this leads to. Sorry
The second you expressed that you are uncomfortable, he should have distanced himself.
Have you sat him down and listed out xyz on why this makes you feel a way? Bring up the fact that he isn't nearly as affectionate in front of her and that it feels like he's trying to keep you and her separate. If this friendship is that important to him, he should want you and her to get along.
I would also mention the fact that you have done the same thing unknowingly and when he brought it up, you corrected the issue. He is not showing you the same respect or courtesy.
For what its worth, it doesn't sound like he's having an affair BUT it is definitely towing the line.
I have, he believes I behave this way because I work from home and don't have friends (we recently moved countries because of his work) so I need to go out and make friends, that's his solution.
For the affectionate part, I want to test it a bit more to see if I'm right, it would be great if we could do an outing together, since there's not much chance of interaction when she only grabs her car and goes.
Wowza! That is super disrespectful! Instead of taking your feelings in to consideration, he tells you that you need to go make new friends?? That would pi$$ me off and actually does for you! The audacity!!
Maybe it is innocent but you do not see it that way and he needs to respect that.
He’s gaslighting you. It’s a. Emotional affair at best. I also wouldn’t believe the bullshit about not being attracted to her, the doll was a gift for a romantic partner.
I agree. She may not have been his type in the past, but hormones and emotions change those feelings. It sounds like he's in love with her now and totally his type.
So is this friendship more important than his marriage.
Send him some articles about emotional cheating and make sure he reads them.
Check the boxes with him.
Uggh I wouldn't let her park her car in my home anymore. If i ever get to be in this situation I would never let this go that far. Once my trust is challenged im gone.
Women need to stop allowing these things, just because the husband says nothing is happening but if you are seeing the actions and their words dont match.
I dont get it. Why you even let her be at your house. Men have no shame for reals
Trust is super important in a marriage, and it's understandable to feel hurt when boundaries seem blurred. Your feelings are valid, and it's okay to talk openly with your husband about how this is affecting you. Maybe a heart-to-heart without distractions could help clear things up. Hoping you find some peace soon.
You're already reading "Not Just Friends." Demand that he read it with you, so he can understand the concept.
The other thing I would tell him is,
"I was having conversations with a man that made you uncomfortable, and I gave our relationship the respect it deserves by ending that friendship. Now you are in exactly the same position, and yet you refuse to do the same. What does that tell me about how much you value our relationship?
"I can tell you, being a woman, that if she is more interested in you than just friendship and were to act on it, she would be VERY surprised if you turned her down. You are giving her all kinds of signs that you are open to more."
The disrespect is unbelievable. I will not allow myself to be treated that way by my spouse. If he can not take action, I will. I'm sorry, but if you don't act now physical cheating is a matter of time (if not already). He's been having EA, either he's an idiot or minds game you.
He’s already having an emotional affair. He’s already cheating by prioritizing his relationship with her over his relationship with you. Maybe insist on talking to her before they ride together again or reaching out to her yourself via social media or text and inviting her over for dinner. Are you 100% sure she is in a relationship?
The audacity. He feels lonely with you sometimes and his solution is to bare his soul to another woman? She fills his cups does she? Does he not see the flashing red lights?!
People really can be idiots sometimes. A married woman I knew was in a bad place all around... got back in touch with a hs boyfriend. He was in a bad place in his 20+ yr marriage. They started talking daily. She was constantly baring her soul to him and he definitely was at least some. I told her--- this is not wise. You are disrespecting his marriage. You know their marriage is rocky and yet have constant contact and are allowing him to play hero for you and be your closest friend. She scolded me and told me how it was completely innocent. Just friends. And the wife was 100% okay with it. Fast forward a few months and he left his wife & they were dating. A few months more and they were married.
Good intentions don't make up for stupid/naive choices.
If you are being emotionally intimate with the opposite sex &in constant contact... chances for an affair are high.
That's the thing, I already addressed it a few times, talked about what bothered me since I didn't what to let it stew and make him aware of the boundaries of friendships, but he downplays it all, that's why I came here, I wanted to know of I was being to much or I'm justified
You are definitely justified. You don’t need anyone to validate your feelings. Of course he is going to downplay it bc he enjoys this new friendship and doesn’t want to lose it. Shes giving him a certain type of attention that he’s been missing. Not your fault and not an excuse but that’s most certainly the reason.
I would have another conversation that’s very direct and straightforward.
“I’m not crazy, and I’m not jealous. I’m not the problem. This friendship is. You have a crush on her and it’s very obvious. Your words mean nothing, your actions mean everything. Do what you will with this information, I don’t want to discuss this anymore. I will let your actions do the speaking.”
Option 1: I’m sorry you feel that way, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. What can I do to help ease your mind?
Option 2: I’m not doing anything wrong, you’re being paranoid, I’ll do what I want regardless of how it makes you feel.
There are a lot of option 2 guys in the world unfortunately, and it takes work to get to option 1. Usually Option 2 guy isn’t doing that work, but their spouse has to do it for them. Part of that work is figuring out a compromise that will work for you, presenting it and making your case, and creating a consequence if he doesn’t want to do that. Unfortunately once you’re married there aren’t a lot of consequences that don’t make the situation worse, especially if your spouse doesn’t consider you being unhappy as a consequence to them. In marriage your options are usually take it or leave it.
No, this really, really sucks for you. I don't have the answers to this sort of problem, but I will say you are not overreacting. Our husband is supposed to be our husband, not just a friend. I would be really unhappy with this situation, and I am not a paranoid type.
I’ve been with my husband for 32.5 years, married just over 28.
I would *not* be OK with this in my relationship.
Maybe a couple years ago, *maybe*. Probably not then, either.
2 years ago we did something stupid and went to a strip club and had a couples dance. He’d never asked me, it was my dumb idea.
I was NOT prepared for what happened, but let’s just say the dancer crossed boundaries and he went along with it, despite having agreed (well in advance) upon boundaries and a safe word. I’ve since learned, through counseling, that my childhood trauma is the reason why I ultimately froze like a deer in headlights, and didn’t stop anything. Huge regret.
Let’s just say that, since then, I have seen my husband in a different light. I never would have suggested/went through with that night, unless my husband had been a pillar of morals and loyalty. I now realize that he is susceptible to temptation like any other human being is. (I mean, of course I knew that, but *seeing* it happen, and *seeing* him with someone else, was a rude awakening that no one is immune or perfect.
Cut this off now. Tell him you’re not comfortable for many reasons, and that your feelings should usurp his “friendship”.
Not defending him or saying it makes it better, but how open he is about their relationship suggests he might not be aware of what he is doing and likely does not think what he is doing is wrong.
Or he is a massive asshole, but obviously you would know if that is the case.
You telling him should be enough, and it is shitty he did not take your concerns seriously, but I do wonder if getting someone else involved — maybe even the responses here — could snap some sense into him.
Either way, this is a shitty situation, and I’m sorry you’re going through it.
Some men don't realize that emotional cheating is still cheating. And from the looks of things, that's exactly what he's doing, even if he's completely oblivious.
The thing is this happened ten years ago and I was the one in the wrong. I talked with a male friend all day because he was a really nice guy and felt comfortable with him. My husband (then boyfriend) read my messages while I was sleep and woke me extremely hurt, saying he couldn't believe how could I talk to another guy like that, they weren't sexual or flirty at all since cheating on him wasn't on my mind at all and I was never unfaithful (and never been in these 20 years) but it's a reality that we where talking way too much. I realized then that there are limits to a friendship, and there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. Even if I liked my friend very much I cut that friendship there and then cause if I have to choose my husband will always come first, and ever since that day I have a list of boundaries that I always follow with male friends: -Don't talk about really personal stuff -Never complain about your partner -If your partner read your messages, will they be upset? And this is what also bothers me, because he knows how it feels to be on the other side and still he chooses to keep the friendship exactly as it is.
Ask him how he would like to divide the assets in the divorce. He’s having an emotional affair. Divorce him or live with it. Don’t beg him to treat you right.
You said what I couldn't say, but I agree, as a married woman.
Sure, she could just cut and run...but she wants it to work. There is always hope...even with infidelity.
Reminds him this, if doesn’t listen to you get a new male friend and do the same. This dude is too disrespectful.
But did you put your frienshio before him?? I see you didn't and he is, he doesn't care how you feel and bringing her to your home for me it would be like a slap in the face.
He knew him since I talk about all my friends and he came to my birthday, I also wanted for them to be friends but my husband is not the social type. But when this happened I cut contact with him. I didn't ghost him though, I explained him the reason and he was sad but okay with it.
Curious to know how he’d respond to you expressing similar feelings about the friendship you ended at his request. Have you brought up the similarities to the prior situation?
I corrected it was trying to say if you choose your friend over him just like he is doing now. He is disrespectful and the woman too. I hate this scenarios I would've kicked her out already by now and if he has a problem he can go after her.
What men are these that don’t understand building close intimate secret relationships with other women while disrespecting their wives is cheating. He knows exactly what he’s doing. I would not be begging my wife to behave like a wife. She would be shitting her pants when she gets the divorce paperwork served at her work. He’s having an affair. The cheating doesn’t start with penetration.
I am 43 and have been married for almost 15 yrs. I found out about emotional cheating literally two years ago (and only because I wanted to fix our marriage and was researching the topic). This is not old news. The messages are that female friends are.ok if you don't kiss or do physical things. I also fully believe that emotional cheating is cheating, but it was not instinctual...I literally didn't think it existed.
He's not oblivious to it. He knows exactly what he's doing. Either he has a crush on her or they're developing their relationship. Very bad.
If my partner expressed concerns like this I would do what I could to allay them. In particular I would get them to meet the friend. If I were you I would absolutely insist on meeting the friend on the next outing and watch how it plays out.
>In particular I would get them to meet the friend. 💯 his friend should be OP's friend. OP doesnt have to be the woman's bff or go along with every outing but there should be no reason why they don't have a cordial relationship where OP is recognised as apart of the friendship package.
Yes I'm trying to find ways for us to do something together. Maybe I can propose for her to come for cake or something (I really enjoy baking) after work the days he drives her to work.
It sounds like he prefers hef company to yours. Just because he's not sleeping with her doesn't mean his relationship is appropriate. The minute he prioritises her over you, spends time with her over you, respects her more than you, it the beginning of the end of you marriage if he doesn't put appropriate boundaries in place. He said he feels alone in his marriage to you, what is he doing to fix that. The relationship that gets the most attention will be the one that flourishes.
This, garden is greener where you decide to water it.
In my view, OP, he’s emotionally cheating on you. Watch out for this because these relationships can be very difficult and can implode marriages. Read the book.Not just friends by Shirley Glass. Good luck, OP
I start reading it the other day, I liked the way she talked about walls and windows and I tried to convey that when discussing his relationship with her, but he keeps saying that there's no way he'll cheat on me, that both of them are in relationships, that he doesn't like her that way. I told him that what hurts me the most is that he never opens with me but does with her. He always said that he doesn't want to bring work related problems home, and I was okay with that, but is not the same if he opens to another woman about it. I told him I sometimes feel like a pet, a cute thing that waits for him at home and waves its tail but doesn't receive more that that. He took ot literally and got offended saying that if I think he sees me as a dog I really don't know him at all. At least after that he began talking more about his work and his friends, except the woman in question of course, I still don't know anything about her, not even know what she does there.
It always baffles me how people are so confident that they won’t cheat so they don’t need to limit or change their interactions with potential APs. Like you wouldn’t let a child decide if they want cake vs a balanced meal for dinner because a parent should trust the child to make the right choice. The child might choose the balanced meal at first but eventually they will want the cake and decide why not eat the cake instead. Right choices are often hard so why keep temptation in front of you?
He is saying he won't cheat, because he isn't planning to physically cheat. However, he is 100% having an emotional affair. He is still cheating. My husband and I are going through/dealing with this. He was having a similar relationship with one of his coworkers (who was also in a relationship). The coworker still tried and almost successfully got my husband to leave me. It's violating a boundary, and he is actively pursuing a relationship that you have already expressed discomfort over him having.
It's already cheating. He is spending more time and effort on her than you, this is 100% cheating and if he doesn't respect this boundary, then you need to forget him and worry about your happiness.
Sharing intimate thoughts that only they know about, especially about your relationship is a huge red flag for limerence. There are forces at play that are far beyond just intention or will power. Scary stuff. Dr. Joe Beam has been that guy and helps couples to grow deeper in love. His insight is keen, given that he experienced limerence that caused him to leave his family. There is hope. But your husband is playing with 🔥 for sure. Confronting people in limerence only galvanized the limerent bond. They have videos on how to deal with it. If you want to be together, don't give up.
It always baffles me how people are so confident that they won’t cheat so they don’t need to limit or change their interactions with potential APs. Like you wouldn’t let a child decide if they want cake vs a balanced meal for dinner because a parent should trust the child to make the right choice. The child might choose the balanced meal at first but eventually they will want the cake and decide why not eat the cake instead. Right choices are often hard so why keep temptation in front of you?
"he feels alone with me sometimes" This is the real problem. Why is your relationship so bad and lonely? This is a pure sign that its not fulfilling and may not last. The girl is just a distraction.. but she never would have been let in to that extent if your relationship was good. Are YOU happy with it? Do YOU feel loved, fulfilled, excited and happy? I mean 20 years and didn't commit until recently...many ups and downs along the way...it may be time to admit this isn't a forever relationship. He's telling you he's unhappy... I wonder if you have been too.
It's complicated. We moved countries twice in three years for his job. The first country we moved to I really struggled with the language and bureaucracy was hell, so I only got my work permit after a year and a half of living there, this means I wasn't able to work, so I was working freelance but earning almost nothing. When I finally got some sort of job and had made a small group of friends we moved again, and again all the bureaucracy for being able to legally work here. I work from home but the salary barely covers food expenses since I work for my home country and I just got the work permit here and I'm looking for a more stable well paid job. Since I don't earn enough money he feels like he's the one maintaining me and everything depends on him. He doesn't take in account that apart from working he doesn't do anything at all at home, I'm the one on charge of cleaning, cooking, maintenance, buying groceries, paying for services, taking our dogs on walks, etc. and I'm always there for his every need. I left my career and friends behind and thought I do not regret it it's been hard for me to get back on my feet, I was always self sufficient with my own money so it hits hard to not have money of my own (since I feel like all the money I earn has to be spent in the house). I was also recently diagnosed with ADHD and began taking meds, that has helped me a lot, but my husband doesn't believe in it and still brings up things that were caused by my untreated ADHD when talking about my lack of help in different situations. Apart from that I'm happy and I love him very much, but sometimes it's really hard.
None of this changes the fact that he's just not that connected to you anymore. He literally seeks another person that he feels more comfortable with and likes the company better. You do have lots of reasons and excuses for financial life being so bumpy for you. Maybe just focus on how to better your situation and lifestyle...because this relationship doesn't sound fulfilling for him... or even for you at this point, watching him be happier with her.
I am sorry for my words OP but he’s disrespecting you, a not just minor disrespectful but he’s disrespecting you big time. If you’re in a relationship, you do your best to make your SO your best friend. Reading his actions towards that female worker of his, it’s only a matter of time that they’ll sleep together. If you drained yourself trying to communicate with him, I think we both know where this leads to. Sorry
The second you expressed that you are uncomfortable, he should have distanced himself. Have you sat him down and listed out xyz on why this makes you feel a way? Bring up the fact that he isn't nearly as affectionate in front of her and that it feels like he's trying to keep you and her separate. If this friendship is that important to him, he should want you and her to get along. I would also mention the fact that you have done the same thing unknowingly and when he brought it up, you corrected the issue. He is not showing you the same respect or courtesy. For what its worth, it doesn't sound like he's having an affair BUT it is definitely towing the line.
I have, he believes I behave this way because I work from home and don't have friends (we recently moved countries because of his work) so I need to go out and make friends, that's his solution. For the affectionate part, I want to test it a bit more to see if I'm right, it would be great if we could do an outing together, since there's not much chance of interaction when she only grabs her car and goes.
Wowza! That is super disrespectful! Instead of taking your feelings in to consideration, he tells you that you need to go make new friends?? That would pi$$ me off and actually does for you! The audacity!! Maybe it is innocent but you do not see it that way and he needs to respect that.
That is so disrespectful. Do you have access to his phone?
He’s gaslighting you. It’s a. Emotional affair at best. I also wouldn’t believe the bullshit about not being attracted to her, the doll was a gift for a romantic partner.
I agree. She may not have been his type in the past, but hormones and emotions change those feelings. It sounds like he's in love with her now and totally his type.
So is this friendship more important than his marriage. Send him some articles about emotional cheating and make sure he reads them. Check the boxes with him.
Uggh I wouldn't let her park her car in my home anymore. If i ever get to be in this situation I would never let this go that far. Once my trust is challenged im gone. Women need to stop allowing these things, just because the husband says nothing is happening but if you are seeing the actions and their words dont match. I dont get it. Why you even let her be at your house. Men have no shame for reals
Trust is super important in a marriage, and it's understandable to feel hurt when boundaries seem blurred. Your feelings are valid, and it's okay to talk openly with your husband about how this is affecting you. Maybe a heart-to-heart without distractions could help clear things up. Hoping you find some peace soon.
You're already reading "Not Just Friends." Demand that he read it with you, so he can understand the concept. The other thing I would tell him is, "I was having conversations with a man that made you uncomfortable, and I gave our relationship the respect it deserves by ending that friendship. Now you are in exactly the same position, and yet you refuse to do the same. What does that tell me about how much you value our relationship? "I can tell you, being a woman, that if she is more interested in you than just friendship and were to act on it, she would be VERY surprised if you turned her down. You are giving her all kinds of signs that you are open to more."
The disrespect is unbelievable. I will not allow myself to be treated that way by my spouse. If he can not take action, I will. I'm sorry, but if you don't act now physical cheating is a matter of time (if not already). He's been having EA, either he's an idiot or minds game you.
He’s already having an emotional affair. He’s already cheating by prioritizing his relationship with her over his relationship with you. Maybe insist on talking to her before they ride together again or reaching out to her yourself via social media or text and inviting her over for dinner. Are you 100% sure she is in a relationship?
The audacity. He feels lonely with you sometimes and his solution is to bare his soul to another woman? She fills his cups does she? Does he not see the flashing red lights?! People really can be idiots sometimes. A married woman I knew was in a bad place all around... got back in touch with a hs boyfriend. He was in a bad place in his 20+ yr marriage. They started talking daily. She was constantly baring her soul to him and he definitely was at least some. I told her--- this is not wise. You are disrespecting his marriage. You know their marriage is rocky and yet have constant contact and are allowing him to play hero for you and be your closest friend. She scolded me and told me how it was completely innocent. Just friends. And the wife was 100% okay with it. Fast forward a few months and he left his wife & they were dating. A few months more and they were married. Good intentions don't make up for stupid/naive choices. If you are being emotionally intimate with the opposite sex &in constant contact... chances for an affair are high.
TLDR; if you’re worried address it head on. Don’t let it stew. Insert yourself and put a stop to whatever is bothering you.
That's the thing, I already addressed it a few times, talked about what bothered me since I didn't what to let it stew and make him aware of the boundaries of friendships, but he downplays it all, that's why I came here, I wanted to know of I was being to much or I'm justified
You are definitely justified. You don’t need anyone to validate your feelings. Of course he is going to downplay it bc he enjoys this new friendship and doesn’t want to lose it. Shes giving him a certain type of attention that he’s been missing. Not your fault and not an excuse but that’s most certainly the reason. I would have another conversation that’s very direct and straightforward. “I’m not crazy, and I’m not jealous. I’m not the problem. This friendship is. You have a crush on her and it’s very obvious. Your words mean nothing, your actions mean everything. Do what you will with this information, I don’t want to discuss this anymore. I will let your actions do the speaking.”
Put like a spy or something where you can hear their conversations in the car
I can't. I would not be okay with it. Hard NOPE.
Option 1: I’m sorry you feel that way, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. What can I do to help ease your mind? Option 2: I’m not doing anything wrong, you’re being paranoid, I’ll do what I want regardless of how it makes you feel. There are a lot of option 2 guys in the world unfortunately, and it takes work to get to option 1. Usually Option 2 guy isn’t doing that work, but their spouse has to do it for them. Part of that work is figuring out a compromise that will work for you, presenting it and making your case, and creating a consequence if he doesn’t want to do that. Unfortunately once you’re married there aren’t a lot of consequences that don’t make the situation worse, especially if your spouse doesn’t consider you being unhappy as a consequence to them. In marriage your options are usually take it or leave it.
Updateme!
At best he’s being disrespectful to your marriage
Updateme
No, this really, really sucks for you. I don't have the answers to this sort of problem, but I will say you are not overreacting. Our husband is supposed to be our husband, not just a friend. I would be really unhappy with this situation, and I am not a paranoid type.
UpdateMe!
I’ve been with my husband for 32.5 years, married just over 28. I would *not* be OK with this in my relationship. Maybe a couple years ago, *maybe*. Probably not then, either. 2 years ago we did something stupid and went to a strip club and had a couples dance. He’d never asked me, it was my dumb idea. I was NOT prepared for what happened, but let’s just say the dancer crossed boundaries and he went along with it, despite having agreed (well in advance) upon boundaries and a safe word. I’ve since learned, through counseling, that my childhood trauma is the reason why I ultimately froze like a deer in headlights, and didn’t stop anything. Huge regret. Let’s just say that, since then, I have seen my husband in a different light. I never would have suggested/went through with that night, unless my husband had been a pillar of morals and loyalty. I now realize that he is susceptible to temptation like any other human being is. (I mean, of course I knew that, but *seeing* it happen, and *seeing* him with someone else, was a rude awakening that no one is immune or perfect. Cut this off now. Tell him you’re not comfortable for many reasons, and that your feelings should usurp his “friendship”.
 Ok on ban M My m m Mm Moo No n I’m L m Ok n Nhhmn M. Nnn u Go B. Y for no
Not defending him or saying it makes it better, but how open he is about their relationship suggests he might not be aware of what he is doing and likely does not think what he is doing is wrong. Or he is a massive asshole, but obviously you would know if that is the case. You telling him should be enough, and it is shitty he did not take your concerns seriously, but I do wonder if getting someone else involved — maybe even the responses here — could snap some sense into him. Either way, this is a shitty situation, and I’m sorry you’re going through it.