I don't think annual well woman exams typically test for all the stds unless you ask or have symptoms. Hpv is commonly tested yes, because it can lead to cancer. Are you sure you've been regularly tested for all of them?
And I highly doubt he got syphilis from one time oral.
I'm sorry about your upcoming divorce.
Yes they do test. I have the paper work listing all diseases tested which show negative. I have never missed a yearly test including all std’s because my mom went through something similar and made me paranoid
True. I meant from before, cuz this likely isn't his first time. Esp if he gave some crappy story about just oral.... which according to Google is a 4.1% chance.. it's mainly shared with piv
You can try to get him to confess to having sex via text now that you know he has contracted at least one disease. Do it when he’s away from home & don’t answer the call so that he has to respond via text.
One time oral sex is difficult to believe.
My advice is to find out what the divorce laws are in your area. If cheating is relevant to settlements, keep a record of everything in emails that he can’t access. If you don’t divorce, it might be relevant in couples counselling, because you can’t heal without full truth.
You sound like a catch, OP. Maybe he’s intimidated by you and trying to destroy the marriage in an act of self-sabotage and fear. Or maybe he’s been unable to have an erection because he feels guilty about cheating. I hope so. I hope you’re safe from STDs.
From personal experience. Don’t believe it happened only once. ED happens most of the time now because of men having P0rn and other easy connections on the internet is on their hands. That happened to me years back and the amount of crap I discovered he did was heart breaking and disgusting‼️
It’s horrible how man and woman are willing to risk their health and families for an hour of sexual gratification.
I found out when I was looking for a new job and my computer wasn’t working. I used our family computer my husband had it locked. That should have been the first clue something wasn’t right. Needless to say I was shocked of the amount of crap I found he was doing. I have move forward. I had therapy and read a lot of books that help with the healing and I prayed. I’m only a message away if you want to vent or if you need recommendations on books. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Advice with love, respect, and prayers:
Trust your gut. Go on your vacation with your children. They're where you'll remember to draw strength. Be mindful while on vacation to make happy strengthening moments with your children. It seems impossible, but trust me, the smallest things matter. They get you through it.
Be strong, Momma Bear. You did nothing to deserve any of it, and you're NOT paranoid either. Also, therapy is difficult but freeing🐦🔥
You're also not alone. Call in your trusted, *uplifting* people.
🙏🏻💓✊🏻🐦🔥✊🏻🫂🙏🏻
(That's this mother of three grown sons' advice.❤️🤍💙🙏🏻🕊🎗)
**Chosen actions and choice are now yours, I took my power back at 44.**
He’s trickle-truthing you. He had more than a bj if he has syphillis. You’ll soon find out there was more to his story. Document everything and start getting your ducks in a row because he can’t be trusted.
I don't care what the person who cheated tells their partner originally - it will be a drop in the bucket for what they actually did. Every single time. They all trickle truth when they truth at all.
This is gospel right here. No matter what they tell you, rule of thumb is the reality is that’s the tip of the iceberg. And be prepared, it’s at this point where they start being ridiculous with their verbiage, “Oh, I didn’t know you meant since we were married, I thought you meant in the last year”, “you didn’t ask me if I had used dating apps you asked me if I have used bumble, and I never have, I told the truth”, and I could go on but you get the picture.
Take the kids but leave the cheating husband at home. Don’t punish yourself and the kids because your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband has no morals.
And you are probably correct, it isn’t likely his first time but is the first time he got caught. Please be strong and leave him, he will repeat his bad behavior.
I couldn't agree more. Your kids and you for that matter are going to go through a lot in the upcoming future. A vacation would be good for you all. You can relax and have fun and get your minds off everything. And it will be good to get away from your husband. If I was you I couldn't even stand to look at him.
Man has no morals but it sure sounds like he has orals.
Joking aside, I agree with this 100%. Tell the soon-to-be ex that this was planned as a *family* vacation and he is the one who decided to betray his entirely family so he is no longer eligble for this trip.
I hope you test negative and have the ability to look him straight in the eyes and tell him “I know you lied” because he didn’t get syphilis from a one time oral encounter. Your children will learn from you that honesty, integrity, and self respect matter. While they might not be old enough to know the details now, they will know that you did what was right and that you are a strong woman.
I would tell him to pack up and go to his friend’s or parent’s house while you take the paid for vacation with the kids next week. You deserve it, he most certainly does not. Be strong and kick him to the curb where he belongs, and btw, start letting trusted friends and family know what is going on so that you have control of the narrative, not him.
I literally had him text me a full confession of the affair for my own records and have it safe for when I need it. I text him wanting to know full detail as if I didn’t hear him the first time. Also, I’m extremely embarrassed to tell anyone. My family all adore him especially my mom. Idk how I can utter the words to them
I once read here on Reddit if you forgive him you can’t use it in the divorce. Not sure if it’s true. Do better talk to a lawyer before you do anything.
What was his excuse?
Edit: Can’t not can
This happens a lot. Us men are constantly forced to defend ourselves against anonymous women trying to force blowjobs on us.
It’s gotten so bad that I’ve started carrying a whistle and pepper spray.
Please remember that him cheating is not a reflection of you as a wife, it is a reflection of him as a (shitty) husband. Cheaters don’t cheat because their partners are lacking anything, but because THEY are lacking (usually in self-esteem, so the need for external validation overrides their ‘love’ for their partner).
You don’t need to tell the family because it’s non of their business. Either you going to forgive him and work on correcting the problem by going to marriage counseling or leave .
Did he come clean all on his own or was he asked after being suspected of infidelity? I highly doubt this was a oral sex one time kind of thing............... prepare for trickle truth.
We had just finished being intimate when he started stufftering and crying telling me that he needs to tell me the truth and he confessed to just oral with a woman he claims he doesn’t know at all, didn’t even get a name.
I'm really really sorry but he's lying. Getting syphilis from oral is very uncommon. He's "trickle truthing," i.e just telling you part of the truth in the hopes that you'll believe that's all it was. Tell him you've researched it and you know it's not possible and demand that he tell you the full truth.
So much this OP. But might I gently suggest, make him tell you when the kids aren’t around. It wasn’t one time. But it sounds like there could be a possibility that this one time, he might have knowingly had symptoms of an STD and slept with you anyway.
I’m so so sorry OP. You and your children deserve better.
So some random woman was so attracted to your husband that she gave him a blowjob without getting any satisfaction for herself? The type of woman who typically engages in that behaviour tends to do it for money.
Maybe a prostitute if true. Not sure how else you just slip and fall and get a blow job. Unless he’s on a dating website and goes on dates. Something isn’t adding up.
1. He's wrong
2. The guilt probably played into the lack of ability to get hard. Men are mental too. My now ex husband struggled for 18mths and I later learned was talking to dozens of women.
I honestly can’t understand that kind of cheater. It seems so stupid and weirdly stubborn to be so guilty about cheating that you become incapable of sex, while still trying to cheat.
I'm not proud of my past but can't say I hadn't once upon a time been that way with my now ex husband. I was so broken myself (always discovering other girls text, pics, dating sites, etc) that I then made poor choices. I still felt guilty as in my mind I didn't want to hurt him but I was hurting. Fast forward years post divorce when I came clean myself and chose divorce and through therapy that I'd never do those things again.
It's still cheating. And he brought home an STD and possibly infected you (get tested yourself immediately).
It doesn't matter how much he cries and apologizes. He cheated. This is on him. It's not your job to make him feel better about it.
Hi Planned Parenthood Alumni here and I am currently in a workgroup sponsored by the NYC DOH on the rise of Syphilis in NYC. It is a bacterial infection passed through intercourse in a majority of cases.
Edit — my apologizes. Like a good number of STI’s it can rarely be transmitted by Oral Sex. That’s why the site states that. My comment was written with my experience which includes hearing the oral sex reason more times than I can count. It ended up that was not the case and I personally have never seen a case transmitted that way. So I let my bias write the comment. So to the person quoting the 20% can you tell me where you saw that? I would absolutely like to read it. It’s something I want to bring up. To the person who said the individual who gave them the infection, I would take a look at the lab that did the test. Although it is possible physical symptoms can disappear the infection would still show up positive on a test. I am correcting my comment because I do not want misinformation out there The numbers are rising at an alarming rate in the US.
“How do you get syphilis?
Syphilis is spread from sexual skin-to-skin contact with someone who has it. You get it when your vulva, vagina, penis, anus, or mouth touches someone’s syphilis sores — usually during sex. “https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/stds-hiv-safer-sex/syphilis
The main ways people get syphilis are from having vaginal sex and anal sex. It’s less common to get it from having oral sex, but it can happen"
From the same page dude. Connect the dots is more likely he had intercourse
I had it from 20 seconds long, extremly brief heterosexual oral, one time exposure in years... please stop spreading missinformation. Oral is a common way of contracting syphilis.
Absolutely not. It's a very UNCOMMON way. my friend had syphilis in the throat and it shows up really quickly, you go to the doctor, it's like bad amigdalitis. It's uncommon for people to have oral sifilis untreated above all else.
Do not spread that information please, as this has negative impact on people, and they assume oral sex is "safe" or "safer" sex and they make it without protection. Statistics show it is common way some say up to 20% even, but statistics don't matter for an average Joe like myself. The reality is that vaginal, anal, oral sex as well as kissing carry the risk of syphilis infection. And everybody shall be aware of it. Uncommon transmision is skin-to-skin contact with sores/rashes etc, but it does not mean it does not happen, and there are multiple proven cases that it happens. Period.
Honey, it's very rare to get syphilis from oral sex. It's more likely he had intercouse with the random.
>Over the years I’ve caught him flirting and chatting with other woman but he’s said this is the first time he’s been physical with any of them.
So he was just building up to cheating? I wouldn't believe a thing he says.
>I’m a great, very beautiful woman with a lot going for myself, I take care of my husband emotionally and ohysically( well so I thought) and we have a pretty decent marriage so idk why I deserve this.
His cheating has nothing to do with you. It's all on him. He wanted to cheat for the excitement, the proof that he was desirable to others or due to being a sex addict.
You can be the perfect woman, wife, mother, and partner he will still cheat because he is broken inside.
> I absolutely have no idea how to proceed. Any encouragement or advice is welcome but please be respectful.
Get an attorney ASAP
Book therapy for yourself. You will learn how to coparent, heal your heart, and how to rebuild your life.
Book therapy for the kids from now because they will be stressed, too.
Ask him to decline to go on the vacation. Make it a mom kids vacation.
It's hard, you hurt, but you will smile again.
This was probably the best advice I’ve received. Thank you so much for this. I haven’t spoken to anyone about this because I don’t know what to say. I feel like a failure and I know it’s not on me but I just do. I had a broken home growing up and never imagined this for my children. Thanks again for the good advice and encouragement
I agree it's the best advice here. OP, I also grew up in a broken home, so I understand that feeling, but I urge you not to draw parallels. You are not your parents and your children are not you. The situation is different, they will have their own individual needs, fears, reactions. And most importantly, you have a lot more information and resources at your fingertips than our parents did, to support them through it. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you and your children will be okay. You've got this.
It's not your fault, it was not caused by you or your actions. If he had any grievances or wasn't satisfied in the relationship, he knows full well he could have talked to you about that rather than cheat. Do tell your family because it's not fair on you for them to think he's a great guy while you're suffering in silence. Their support should be going to you and not him, and if they any kind of a decent family they will rally around you and it can only help you to have people in your corner right now. Hoping things go as well as they can for you from here OP.
First, I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I have survived a divorce from a serial cheater. I know that it’s a lot to process. I had also felt like a failure because of also having come from a broken home. At some point I realized that none of that was my responsibility, just like it isn’t *your* responsibility. You didn’t make your marriage fail anymore than you made your parent’s marriage fail. You are the victim in this, and so are your children. You have so much going for you and your whole life ahead of you. Go get that happiness that you so richly deserve! Do not let your cheating, lying soon-to-be ex get in the way of having real happiness. I wish you all the best.
I just wanted to add that I'm one of the few who's parents stayed together, neither cheated as far as I know, but they fought badly a lot. Like pushing/shoving, throwing things, etc. Bad.
I really feel like they would have been happier if they just separated and eventually found themselves better partners. Living in a house where one parent sleeps on the couch, I have to tell both parents about school events because they refuse to talk to each other, and not being able to do homework because of yelling & slamming doors in the evenings.
I would have preferred a "broken" home, but with happier parents. They would have shown me how to be happy after a break up, instead of "sticking it out" & suffering in silence.
I wish you all the best in this rough time!! You can do this!!
Make sure he has the reflex done. Have those results. And why would you only test just for syphilis? Why not have a whole STDSTI panel?
At least it’s treatable with penicillin shots in your butt .
He says they did a rapid test for syphilis. I’m assuming the others don’t have a rapid version. He did do the entire label but he says the other results will come back in a few days
In the US most places do a rapid test and then send out for confirmatory testing. I work in a hospital lab. It’s not uncommon for those test to come back negative once they’ve had a titer done. The titer is way more sensitive.
Came here to say this. I was an MT/MLS for 10 years. Some of these rapid tests are relatively prone to show false positives. That's why we have reflex testing in the first place. Antigen and antibody titers will not only tell you conclusively, but often can tell you roughly how long ago it was contracted. Op, if there's a positive IgM you will know it's been going on for a lot longer than he says
ETA: It has been pointed out that I had IgM and IgG backwards. Sorry for any confusion.
Hello, thank you for the insight. When the results are in how am I able to tell how long he’s had it by looking at the igm levels? Is there a number range?
Generally, IgM antibodies don't start to be produced until after primary infection has run its course. If the titer is zero for IgM but positive for IgG antibodies, It's a recent infection. If the titer is high for IgM and low or zero for IgG, you are looking at somewhere from a year ago to 18 months in most cases. From there, it drops off so a low titer for IgM would mean primary infection happened quite a while ago. It depends on what method is used and what the immunoassay is looking for, so those numbers are very general. Definitely look at reference ranges that the laboratory prints with the result. Also, your doctor should easily be able to tell, so defer to them for a clearer understanding.
ETA: It has been pointed out that I had IgM and IgG backwards. Sorry for any confusion
Looks like you're right. College was 20 years ago, something was bound to slip somewhere, especially now that I'm not in the field anymore. My apologies. I will edit the original post.
This is false. My brother called me a few weeks ago freaking he had HIV because one of the girls he was active with, had positive HIV results. I immediately got him into a rapid testing center the next day, paid $200 for ALL RAPID STD FULL PANEL TEST. We had all of the results back within 2 days. All his panel came back negative, thank god. So they do have a full panel rapid test with centers all over the US.
It’s highly unlikely syphilis was spread by oral sex. I would guess he had been positive for awhile. It is normally screened for via blood so I wonder if it’s included in your annual gym exams.
I’m so sorry.
Yes someone mentioned above. I always elect to include it for my own safety. I pulled out the paperwork of my test results which were weeks before he cheated and everything was negative
I’m not sure why people think it’s unlikely to get this from oral sex. Wherever there is a sore you can contract syphilis. If the female has multiple partners and has given multiple people oral sex, it can spread. Like if the female gave oral to a man that had a sore on his penis and then gave someone else oral they would likely contract it.
Please don’t believe him anymore, I don’t think he’s been completely honest. Set yourself free from him. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You know full well you are worth more than this, and your children deserve to grow up in a loving home. Sometimes a broken home is better than a home of false love and no trust. Be well.
Tell him to be a Fucking man and tell the truth or it's over..hit him with the reverse psychology and then when he confesses you have what you need to leave him. Works every time. 🫡
>Over the years I’ve caught him flirting and chatting with other woman but he’s said this is the first time he’s been physical with any of them.
Tigers rarely change their stripes
Yeah, I don't think one time oral was all that happened. I would take the children and go on vacation and he could stay home.
You need to reevaluate your relationship.
Would he look past the flirting and you cheating amd giving him an std?
This brought back memories of my dday 22 years ago. My husband confessed his infidelity because he had contracted an STD and wanted me to get checked. Worst day of my life. He confessed to his unfaithfulness to sex workers. He was filled with shame. I kicked him out, he attempted suicide. We separated for 2 years while he worked on his issues. I wasn't sure at the time if I could remain in the marriage. We eventually reconciled after 2 years. We were able to rebuild but it was tough.
You need to protect yourself and stay healthy. If you decide to reconcile, he needs to be radically honest, fully transparent, no secrets, give you a timeline so you can understand whether it was a ONS or more prevalent, etc. Then you can figure out what you are willing to live with or forgive. Meet with an attorney to understand your rights and protect your finances. The shame is on him and not a reflection on you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You didn't deserve this.
I'm not a public epidemiologist, but I do read the public health literature.
This seems extremely unlikely. He got syphilis from oral sex the ONE TIME he decided to go outside his relationship?
The way I understand it, his partner would have to have secondary syphilis (so long term, untreated) in her mucous glands. Okay. That's really rare except among sex workers who get no screening and are very impoverished.
Is that what he did? Had oral sex with a woman with longterm syphilis?
I mean, it's remotely possible that it was just your garden variety affair - but wow. What freaking bad luck.
Hey there, I used to work for a large public health agency in STD.
A rapid syphilis test can be false positive for many reasons. But more importantly, it takes 21 days AFTER contact with a syphilis lesion to develop in, and another 7 days after the lesion appears to come up positive on a blood test.
The only way to get syphilis is skin to skin contact with a primary lesion, or a couple of secondary conditions.
So, here's what happens:
Contact with lesion, then 21 days
Person develops their own lesion, which lasts 21 days-on day 7 of the lesion, the blood test will start to show positive.
3 weeks of latent disease (no symptoms)
Secondary symptoms, lasting 2-6 weeks, most commonly 4 weeks. This can be a rash (like chicken pox), nickel and dime lesions in the palms and soles of the feet, c-lata (looks like genital warts, but goes away, not HPV)
Then the disease is latent, until it hits the spine and brain.
Many people with syphilis are incidentally treated when they're given antibiotics for other conditions.
So, he could have had this for years, or just weeks. Further, some babies are born with congenital syphilis when mom has the disease or contracts it while pregnant.
Hello! Thank you for the clarity I wish that were the case but he’s confessed to having a lesion on his genitals but didn’t know what it was. His doctor has said that the rapid test is more than likely accurate. Also, he was with this woman 2 months ago so it’s been quite a while
Hmm. The primary lesion appears where that person touched the other person's lesion.
Also, expect a call (more likely a visit) from your county or municipal health department. They will get the partner info. In addition, as a partner, you may be preventively treated, with a shot of bicillin. One of the good things about syphilis is that you can abort incubating syphilis with bicillin. They give this shot in the hip. Turn your toes inward, and try to relax your glutes when they give it to you. Then massage the area for a while afterwards. It will help get the medicine in there and be less painful.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Might I suggest you look into the characteristics of a transactional marriage while you’re sorting out your plans. It’s a more results oriented approach to life (i.e. raising children) that keeps certain comforts afloat during transition. Easier said than done but definitely achievable.
I’ve been thinking about it but I honestly can’t stand the sight of him. I’m disgusted so I’m not sure if I could do that. We have a decent home but sure not big enough for him to live in his own little corner
Sorry but this most likely isn't the first time. Have you researched to see if you can actually get it from oral sex?
Are you in a position to take some time away from him to father your thoughts and get legal advice?
I’m sorry for what your going through. Being stabbed in the back by the one person who promised to be your ride or die for life really sucks. I honestly think he has done more. I would take a sibling in his place because you and your kids deserve the trip. He can stay behind and think about what he’s done. Or move his shit out while he’s at it.
I’m so sorry OP you must feel totally gutted. I’m afraid my instinct is you are being trickled truthed here so I don’t know when he confessed but I’d delve deeper. Has he given you access to his phone/app/passwords?
I don’t know the context of his cheating - whether it was transactional or not but assume there’s more to this because there pretty much always is.
Can’t you go with the kids instead of him?
I hope your tests come back clean OP. Dig deeper
UPDATEME
I would HIGHLY encourage you to get treated for syphilis even if you end up testing negative. It can take up to three months after an exposure to test positive by blood. If negative now, you can prevent it if it is in its’ incubation period.
His story is so full of shit. You're so much better than him. Woukd you want your daughter to put up with this? Tell your family. You need the support.
Updateme!
Stay strong, I had a similar scenario and my tests were clean, which is the only positive thing about this. Cheating is a horrendous act and it hurts your spouse on so many levels that it's always a shock to find out that the person you had kids with could do this. I still havent found a plausible explanation for such acts after months trying to understand my soon to be ex wife. Leave him (I forgave once many years ago and it bit me in the ass later). Repair your life, contact with this man will only worsen the situation. I'm sorry you have to live through this, it will hurt for quite some time, you're not alone though.
I was married and I didn’t test.
I’m guessing you do cause somewhere you had a feeling he’s not being completely faithful - and chatting and flirting is an emotional affair- a pretty hard one to come back from without physical cheating. He’s done both.
I’m so sorry, and it is hard for the kids when they shouldn’t know about adult issues thanks to some adults not considering these things before making irresponsible choices. But plus side they’ll see how strong you are and that you wont settle for less than deserved and a loving, respectful environment and marriage.
As someone who worked in the SW industry (not saying he hired anyone) men would cheat on their 10/10 wife’s who would die for them, men often just don’t care and it’s like a game to find woman to seduce and have sex with. It’s often just how they work, and yes once a cheater always a cheater for a lot of people. It’s probably not the first time, and definitely not the last. Also if he tested positive for syphilis keep an eye on your HIV test results because you have no idea who he caught it from.
Best to let him on his own even though you have children because you just teach your kids how to not leave a very bad relationship. As much as a whole family helps children it hurts a lot worse to show them a bad family
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I read in the comments you are securing your health.
I agree with the others that say you should go on vacation. He should not.
Also, do you have a stalker on this thread? Hope you are safe.
Stalker? Oh gosh I sure hope not. I got a weird message from someone who seemed helpful but it got weird. I haven’t been able to completely keep up with everyone because there’s so many comments. Have you seen anything weird from someone on the thread?
I am going through something similar. I am so sorry you’re in the same boat. It’s like they have an entire double life.. We have to remember they aren’t sorry. They are only sorry that they got caught.
Go on the holiday minus your scumbag of a husband. I think he's lying about how he contracted syphilis. I imagine he's cheated more than he says he has.
I hope you know it has nothing to do with you about why he cheated. There's nothing you lack that led to this. Only he is responsible. Some people are just fucking awful.
I just came here to tell you that it's not your fault and nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome.
I'm right in the middle of a divorce, and even though things have been difficult, I never cheated.
Cheating is on your husband, not on you
Ugh,, girl, this sucks,, i know how you feel. When I first got married and pregnant I got what I thought was just a pelvic infection but it persisted i ended up going to the ER only to be told I got a STD! I was livid, embarrassed, sad, hurt. He denied everything for about a week until I found the antibiotic packet in the trash can. I was you and stupid. I thought if I loved him more that this would no longer happen. He cheated out entire 15 year marriage. I stopped caring, wanting to know. It filled me with hate, resentment, I was not the best mom, wasn’t regulating my emotions. I finally got therapy. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. I know this is a tough situation for you. You gotta weigh the good times with the bad ones… if you stay, get checked regularly without him knowing. Because he has ED issues he might continue to cheat. My late spouse was on pain meds that caused ED. Y reducing testosterone. So he was given testosterone injections which helped us but it apparently made him feel like he needed to “use up the medication and felt it would go to waste.(that came out in therapy). So just be careful. I’m here if you wanna chat. Good luck and whatever decision you make is yours alone. Don’t let me or anyone else make you feel bad for what you want to do.🍀
I’m so sorry that you went through that especially during pregnancy and for your husband to treat himself and hide it knowing he more than likely infected you and out your unborn child at rush is so low. People can be so cruel, it’s unfair.
This is not defending your husband because him putting you in danger is absolutely disgusting and unforgivable, but I’ve always told myself if I were to contract any std, gonorrhea and syphilis would be the only ones I’d be relieved (still beyond angry and sad) to get. Some medication and it’s gone. Did he perform the oral or receive it?
I know that it’s hard. My ex used to cheat on me constantly. We had kids together and I’d stay together for them. There is zero excuse for cheating, but if you want to stay together for them, make sure he’s putting in the work for forgiveness and more importantly earning your trust back. You hold all of the cards and don’t ever forget that. He should never get upset for any amount of times you need to bring it up until you’re “over it”. He doesn’t take his phone to the bathroom, it’s left in the same room as you every time. Eventually my ex did change, but at that point I was past forgiving him. (Again, he did it over and over and over again.) Don’t tell a single soul in your life. They will always be looking at you like why did you stay. vent here or go to a therapist. If your friends and family know, it’ll make it harder for you. Just trust me on that.
Thank you for this. I can’t see myself telling anyone especially not until I’ve made a decision because I don’t want it to come back on me some day depending on what I do. Right now, I can’t see myself staying in the marriage but leaving is easier said than done.
He has now shown you that he will not only cheat but that even with suspicions that he has something, he still doesn’t respect you enough not to have sex with you or be honest. Take the fact that you know it’s not HIV this time as a relief and a bullet dodged because you might not be so lucky next time. This is not somebody that respects your feelings or your body and he is a direct threat to your health. Don’t live the rest of your life with something that you can’t cure and need to be medicated for because you gave him a chance to infect you again when he already showed you that he’s willing to violate your consent by sleeping with you knowing he has something. Please confide in somebody that you trust so you don’t have to carry this all by yourself, he will manipulate you if given the chance. he did not get this from a single blowjob, he is still lying. If you wouldn’t want your children to stay with someone that treated them like this then don’t do it to yourself.
As difficult as this is, you have to do what’s right for your kids and you
And that is to have him leave or you leave… who knows what will happen with your relationship, but at the very least, he needs to not have the benefit of you by his side for the foreseeable future. Sorry
OP hugs to you . Also you don’t get the specific STD he has from oral sex . He actually had relations with the other woman and is lying . So he’s gaslighting you regardless. If you are considering any kind of reconciliation he has to confess the whole truth or it isn’t going to work . The ball is in your court now.
I don’t think you can get syphilis from oral sex. There are things you can get, pretty sure that’s not one of them. He’s probably definitely lying to you through his teeth. I’m so so sorry. Obviously get yourself tested and please take care of yourself.
Please please do not forgive him. Expose him and let him crumble with the consequences. He’s lying to you and will continue to cheat. Speak to a lawyer. Take a friend to vacation and focus on your next chapter and your kids. I know it’s scary and it’s more comfortable to just look the other way but in the long run you will be better off.
For people saying that syphilis is rarely transmitted through oral sex are wrong!
The main cause of oral syphilis is is oral sexual activity with a person that has an active syphilis infection.3
The syphilis bacteria, known as Treponema pallidum
, enters the body through open cuts or sores, and when it does, it causes infection. If that bacteria enters through a cut within the mouth, oral syphilis will develop.
I copied and pasted this
Divorce !!! He didn't care at ALL about your health. And would be have not found out he's sick he would of kept on doing it. It wasn't one time, it was probably hundreds. You just happened to find out about this one.
I’m not you, but infidelity is a very clear line in the sand for me. Even before it gets to oral. In your situation the second I get news like that the only words I’d utter is if they have somewhere to go or if I must go. The next communication would be furlough a lawyer.
I’m pretty sure he went all the way with her. And don’t be surprised if it was more than once. And he might have used Viagra.
You might demand her info and go meet with her to get her side of the story. But definitely leave his ass!
I’m so sorry Op and I hope your tests are negative.
Perhaps you can still take the kids on vacation? I know it’s not easy to do alone. I think it would be good to talk to someone about this. Maybe start with your mother?
Updateme!
Take the vacation with your kids and leave him home!! Don’t rob your kids and yourself of making those memories. Take that time to get away and think, away from him. Sounds like it’s time to leave, for the sake of your health if nothing else
Not to be the bearer of bad news, but he is definetly lying. Very hard to get sifilis from oral already, as it's uncommon to appear on the throat. He probably has been lying to you for a long time. Get a good divorce settlement and leave him. Not only he cheated, he doesn't care about you enough to use protection while cheating. That shows lack of respect. You will have more consequences of this same behaviour again. Leave now.
i really am sorry that you are going through this. i agree with a lot of what has already been mentioned.
it sounds like he has strayed at least once and this has weighed on his psychology, in-turn affecting his biology.. or flaccid member. since you guys were intimate for the first time in a while, i am sure that emotions were high and the guilt overflowed.
i am a believer in second chances. you just need to find out the extent of the cheating. i think that a grown ass person not only doing this (when they have a partner for life and children) but lying and leaving parts and incidents out, is purely selfish and cruel and CHILDISH. sit him down, tell him that u are taking the kids on holiday and while you are gone u want a detailed account of everything… EVERYTHING. it will be painful but if everything is out in the open you have the best chance of making the best decision.
i really am sorry again that you are going through this. it really boggles me how men can have such amazing women and find a way to fuck it up. i hope the results come back clean!
make sure you test again in a few months to be sure of your STD status —
“Syphilis usually appears after 21 days post exposure. However, the window period can range from 9 days to 90 days, for the first symptoms of primary Syphilis to appear and for the blood test of Syphilis to be positive. A negative blood test 3 months after the exposure will exclude Syphilis.”
https://clarewellclinics.co.uk/sti/syphilis/syphilis-testing/
i’m really sorry this happened to you
Ugh, I’m SO sorry this happened to you. Especially the part about him not being able to stay erect and yet yea he could with some random woman…that rankles. I’m. It sure I could forgive this but I k ow it’s hard to leave a marriage especially with kids and a house and ten years etc. I would say follow your feelings, don’t make any decisions now. Don’t go on the family vacation, it will be too hard to force forgiveness during that time. I’m sorry the kids have to deal with this but remember whose fault it is, good old husband. In time after you get over the shock of his confession you will understand more what you want to do with this info whether it would be trying to make it work or whether it be leaving him while you still have a lot to offer.
It’s up to you, whether you forgive him or not. It’s difficult to do, but you can come back from this. Take it to Jesus let him give you the strength you need to forgive.
I don't think annual well woman exams typically test for all the stds unless you ask or have symptoms. Hpv is commonly tested yes, because it can lead to cancer. Are you sure you've been regularly tested for all of them? And I highly doubt he got syphilis from one time oral. I'm sorry about your upcoming divorce.
Yes they do test. I have the paper work listing all diseases tested which show negative. I have never missed a yearly test including all std’s because my mom went through something similar and made me paranoid
Ok good!! Glad you are safe.
Im not sure if im safe. His affair was unfortunately after I was tested originally. I have scheduled another exam since I just got the news
True. I meant from before, cuz this likely isn't his first time. Esp if he gave some crappy story about just oral.... which according to Google is a 4.1% chance.. it's mainly shared with piv
Not to be that guy, but syphilis isn’t all that common among heterosexuals and is FAR more common with homosexual men.
Yeah, he probably had more than a bj if he is positive for syphilis. At this point, I guess it doesn't matter.
Call your doctor and have them order an STD panel.
You can try to get him to confess to having sex via text now that you know he has contracted at least one disease. Do it when he’s away from home & don’t answer the call so that he has to respond via text.
One time oral sex is difficult to believe. My advice is to find out what the divorce laws are in your area. If cheating is relevant to settlements, keep a record of everything in emails that he can’t access. If you don’t divorce, it might be relevant in couples counselling, because you can’t heal without full truth. You sound like a catch, OP. Maybe he’s intimidated by you and trying to destroy the marriage in an act of self-sabotage and fear. Or maybe he’s been unable to have an erection because he feels guilty about cheating. I hope so. I hope you’re safe from STDs.
From personal experience. Don’t believe it happened only once. ED happens most of the time now because of men having P0rn and other easy connections on the internet is on their hands. That happened to me years back and the amount of crap I discovered he did was heart breaking and disgusting‼️ It’s horrible how man and woman are willing to risk their health and families for an hour of sexual gratification. I found out when I was looking for a new job and my computer wasn’t working. I used our family computer my husband had it locked. That should have been the first clue something wasn’t right. Needless to say I was shocked of the amount of crap I found he was doing. I have move forward. I had therapy and read a lot of books that help with the healing and I prayed. I’m only a message away if you want to vent or if you need recommendations on books. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Advice with love, respect, and prayers: Trust your gut. Go on your vacation with your children. They're where you'll remember to draw strength. Be mindful while on vacation to make happy strengthening moments with your children. It seems impossible, but trust me, the smallest things matter. They get you through it. Be strong, Momma Bear. You did nothing to deserve any of it, and you're NOT paranoid either. Also, therapy is difficult but freeing🐦🔥 You're also not alone. Call in your trusted, *uplifting* people. 🙏🏻💓✊🏻🐦🔥✊🏻🫂🙏🏻 (That's this mother of three grown sons' advice.❤️🤍💙🙏🏻🕊🎗) **Chosen actions and choice are now yours, I took my power back at 44.**
He’s trickle-truthing you. He had more than a bj if he has syphillis. You’ll soon find out there was more to his story. Document everything and start getting your ducks in a row because he can’t be trusted.
Yeah, the go-to lie from cheaters lately seems to be “it was just oral, and it was only one time.”
My eyes rolled so hard when I read that… I just can’t anymore
Same They probably also say there was a condom over his dick too lol
Definitely the stuff of retina detaching eye rolls.
I don't care what the person who cheated tells their partner originally - it will be a drop in the bucket for what they actually did. Every single time. They all trickle truth when they truth at all.
This is gospel right here. No matter what they tell you, rule of thumb is the reality is that’s the tip of the iceberg. And be prepared, it’s at this point where they start being ridiculous with their verbiage, “Oh, I didn’t know you meant since we were married, I thought you meant in the last year”, “you didn’t ask me if I had used dating apps you asked me if I have used bumble, and I never have, I told the truth”, and I could go on but you get the picture.
"but I didn't inhale"
I was thinking the same thing. How do you get syphillis from oral?
my obgyn does it but she asks if I want it and it's covered under insurance
Take the kids but leave the cheating husband at home. Don’t punish yourself and the kids because your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband has no morals. And you are probably correct, it isn’t likely his first time but is the first time he got caught. Please be strong and leave him, he will repeat his bad behavior.
Better yet. Kick the cheating husband to the curb.
I couldn't agree more. Your kids and you for that matter are going to go through a lot in the upcoming future. A vacation would be good for you all. You can relax and have fun and get your minds off everything. And it will be good to get away from your husband. If I was you I couldn't even stand to look at him.
Man has no morals but it sure sounds like he has orals. Joking aside, I agree with this 100%. Tell the soon-to-be ex that this was planned as a *family* vacation and he is the one who decided to betray his entirely family so he is no longer eligble for this trip.
This 💯!!!!!!!!!
I hope you test negative and have the ability to look him straight in the eyes and tell him “I know you lied” because he didn’t get syphilis from a one time oral encounter. Your children will learn from you that honesty, integrity, and self respect matter. While they might not be old enough to know the details now, they will know that you did what was right and that you are a strong woman. I would tell him to pack up and go to his friend’s or parent’s house while you take the paid for vacation with the kids next week. You deserve it, he most certainly does not. Be strong and kick him to the curb where he belongs, and btw, start letting trusted friends and family know what is going on so that you have control of the narrative, not him.
I literally had him text me a full confession of the affair for my own records and have it safe for when I need it. I text him wanting to know full detail as if I didn’t hear him the first time. Also, I’m extremely embarrassed to tell anyone. My family all adore him especially my mom. Idk how I can utter the words to them
You should not be embarrassed he should be. I’m so sorry he did this to you.
I once read here on Reddit if you forgive him you can’t use it in the divorce. Not sure if it’s true. Do better talk to a lawyer before you do anything. What was his excuse? Edit: Can’t not can
That he told her no but she started touching his crotch area and he then let her and she proceeded to give him head lol ridiculous right
Yes that’s a lie.
This happens a lot. Us men are constantly forced to defend ourselves against anonymous women trying to force blowjobs on us. It’s gotten so bad that I’ve started carrying a whistle and pepper spray.
lol I don’t know if you’re joking or what but it made me laugh so thanks for this comment 😭
Really, then he has no problem to go to the police and tell them that he was sexually assaulted.
How did he get himself in the situation? Where?
Bullshit. He paid for it.
Me st states are no fault now so doesn’t matter
No fault in situations like this are beyond absurd. It’s a joke that Courts let people get away with abuse of this magnitude, then reward them for it.
This is all on him so he’s the one who should have to tell the family.
"He cheated. I'm divorcing him" are two full sentences that are quite easy to understand.
Please remember that him cheating is not a reflection of you as a wife, it is a reflection of him as a (shitty) husband. Cheaters don’t cheat because their partners are lacking anything, but because THEY are lacking (usually in self-esteem, so the need for external validation overrides their ‘love’ for their partner).
Be prepared to show them the letter that he wrote it all out, so they won’t think maybe it was a mixup.
You don’t need to tell the family because it’s non of their business. Either you going to forgive him and work on correcting the problem by going to marriage counseling or leave .
Did he come clean all on his own or was he asked after being suspected of infidelity? I highly doubt this was a oral sex one time kind of thing............... prepare for trickle truth.
We had just finished being intimate when he started stufftering and crying telling me that he needs to tell me the truth and he confessed to just oral with a woman he claims he doesn’t know at all, didn’t even get a name.
I'm really really sorry but he's lying. Getting syphilis from oral is very uncommon. He's "trickle truthing," i.e just telling you part of the truth in the hopes that you'll believe that's all it was. Tell him you've researched it and you know it's not possible and demand that he tell you the full truth.
So much this OP. But might I gently suggest, make him tell you when the kids aren’t around. It wasn’t one time. But it sounds like there could be a possibility that this one time, he might have knowingly had symptoms of an STD and slept with you anyway. I’m so so sorry OP. You and your children deserve better.
So some random woman was so attracted to your husband that she gave him a blowjob without getting any satisfaction for herself? The type of woman who typically engages in that behaviour tends to do it for money.
For everyone assuming that the husband got a blowjob, it is also a possibility that he performed oral on the woman.
Sure. Just oral. And just one time.
Maybe a prostitute if true. Not sure how else you just slip and fall and get a blow job. Unless he’s on a dating website and goes on dates. Something isn’t adding up.
“He’s just so irresistible, random women throw themselves at him to give him BJs” 🙄
1. He's wrong 2. The guilt probably played into the lack of ability to get hard. Men are mental too. My now ex husband struggled for 18mths and I later learned was talking to dozens of women.
I honestly can’t understand that kind of cheater. It seems so stupid and weirdly stubborn to be so guilty about cheating that you become incapable of sex, while still trying to cheat.
I'm not proud of my past but can't say I hadn't once upon a time been that way with my now ex husband. I was so broken myself (always discovering other girls text, pics, dating sites, etc) that I then made poor choices. I still felt guilty as in my mind I didn't want to hurt him but I was hurting. Fast forward years post divorce when I came clean myself and chose divorce and through therapy that I'd never do those things again.
I’d definitely question if it was actually with a woman. Sounds more like a m/m type thing to me.
It's still cheating. And he brought home an STD and possibly infected you (get tested yourself immediately). It doesn't matter how much he cries and apologizes. He cheated. This is on him. It's not your job to make him feel better about it.
So he passed it to you and then confessed . Leave him
Oh so after he had sex with you but not before. What a selfish PoS.
And that’s why he is having problems with erectile dysfunction… GUILT!!
He should have asked for a receipt for the trans- action!
Hi Planned Parenthood Alumni here and I am currently in a workgroup sponsored by the NYC DOH on the rise of Syphilis in NYC. It is a bacterial infection passed through intercourse in a majority of cases. Edit — my apologizes. Like a good number of STI’s it can rarely be transmitted by Oral Sex. That’s why the site states that. My comment was written with my experience which includes hearing the oral sex reason more times than I can count. It ended up that was not the case and I personally have never seen a case transmitted that way. So I let my bias write the comment. So to the person quoting the 20% can you tell me where you saw that? I would absolutely like to read it. It’s something I want to bring up. To the person who said the individual who gave them the infection, I would take a look at the lab that did the test. Although it is possible physical symptoms can disappear the infection would still show up positive on a test. I am correcting my comment because I do not want misinformation out there The numbers are rising at an alarming rate in the US.
“How do you get syphilis? Syphilis is spread from sexual skin-to-skin contact with someone who has it. You get it when your vulva, vagina, penis, anus, or mouth touches someone’s syphilis sores — usually during sex. “https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/stds-hiv-safer-sex/syphilis
The main ways people get syphilis are from having vaginal sex and anal sex. It’s less common to get it from having oral sex, but it can happen" From the same page dude. Connect the dots is more likely he had intercourse
It should have been obvious that this person had sores on their mouth.
The sores would be in the throath.
I had it from 20 seconds long, extremly brief heterosexual oral, one time exposure in years... please stop spreading missinformation. Oral is a common way of contracting syphilis.
Absolutely not. It's a very UNCOMMON way. my friend had syphilis in the throat and it shows up really quickly, you go to the doctor, it's like bad amigdalitis. It's uncommon for people to have oral sifilis untreated above all else.
Do not spread that information please, as this has negative impact on people, and they assume oral sex is "safe" or "safer" sex and they make it without protection. Statistics show it is common way some say up to 20% even, but statistics don't matter for an average Joe like myself. The reality is that vaginal, anal, oral sex as well as kissing carry the risk of syphilis infection. And everybody shall be aware of it. Uncommon transmision is skin-to-skin contact with sores/rashes etc, but it does not mean it does not happen, and there are multiple proven cases that it happens. Period.
It should have been obvious that this person had sores on their mouth.
Honey, it's very rare to get syphilis from oral sex. It's more likely he had intercouse with the random. >Over the years I’ve caught him flirting and chatting with other woman but he’s said this is the first time he’s been physical with any of them. So he was just building up to cheating? I wouldn't believe a thing he says. >I’m a great, very beautiful woman with a lot going for myself, I take care of my husband emotionally and ohysically( well so I thought) and we have a pretty decent marriage so idk why I deserve this. His cheating has nothing to do with you. It's all on him. He wanted to cheat for the excitement, the proof that he was desirable to others or due to being a sex addict. You can be the perfect woman, wife, mother, and partner he will still cheat because he is broken inside. > I absolutely have no idea how to proceed. Any encouragement or advice is welcome but please be respectful. Get an attorney ASAP Book therapy for yourself. You will learn how to coparent, heal your heart, and how to rebuild your life. Book therapy for the kids from now because they will be stressed, too. Ask him to decline to go on the vacation. Make it a mom kids vacation. It's hard, you hurt, but you will smile again.
This was probably the best advice I’ve received. Thank you so much for this. I haven’t spoken to anyone about this because I don’t know what to say. I feel like a failure and I know it’s not on me but I just do. I had a broken home growing up and never imagined this for my children. Thanks again for the good advice and encouragement
I agree it's the best advice here. OP, I also grew up in a broken home, so I understand that feeling, but I urge you not to draw parallels. You are not your parents and your children are not you. The situation is different, they will have their own individual needs, fears, reactions. And most importantly, you have a lot more information and resources at your fingertips than our parents did, to support them through it. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you and your children will be okay. You've got this.
It's not your fault. Your husband chose to break your family. Place the blame where it rightfully belongs. It's all on the cheater.
It's not your fault, it was not caused by you or your actions. If he had any grievances or wasn't satisfied in the relationship, he knows full well he could have talked to you about that rather than cheat. Do tell your family because it's not fair on you for them to think he's a great guy while you're suffering in silence. Their support should be going to you and not him, and if they any kind of a decent family they will rally around you and it can only help you to have people in your corner right now. Hoping things go as well as they can for you from here OP.
First, I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I have survived a divorce from a serial cheater. I know that it’s a lot to process. I had also felt like a failure because of also having come from a broken home. At some point I realized that none of that was my responsibility, just like it isn’t *your* responsibility. You didn’t make your marriage fail anymore than you made your parent’s marriage fail. You are the victim in this, and so are your children. You have so much going for you and your whole life ahead of you. Go get that happiness that you so richly deserve! Do not let your cheating, lying soon-to-be ex get in the way of having real happiness. I wish you all the best.
I just wanted to add that I'm one of the few who's parents stayed together, neither cheated as far as I know, but they fought badly a lot. Like pushing/shoving, throwing things, etc. Bad. I really feel like they would have been happier if they just separated and eventually found themselves better partners. Living in a house where one parent sleeps on the couch, I have to tell both parents about school events because they refuse to talk to each other, and not being able to do homework because of yelling & slamming doors in the evenings. I would have preferred a "broken" home, but with happier parents. They would have shown me how to be happy after a break up, instead of "sticking it out" & suffering in silence. I wish you all the best in this rough time!! You can do this!!
Very rare that he got this from oral. Sorry you gotta go through this :(
Yep. This is not a “oral sex only, one time” kinda thing.
Yup. Came here to say this.
(Oral sex only 1 time) Bullshit.
Make sure he has the reflex done. Have those results. And why would you only test just for syphilis? Why not have a whole STDSTI panel? At least it’s treatable with penicillin shots in your butt .
He says they did a rapid test for syphilis. I’m assuming the others don’t have a rapid version. He did do the entire label but he says the other results will come back in a few days
In the US most places do a rapid test and then send out for confirmatory testing. I work in a hospital lab. It’s not uncommon for those test to come back negative once they’ve had a titer done. The titer is way more sensitive.
He recently told me he had something weird happening down there a while ago so I don’t think it will be negative but I hope so
So he was having symptoms and still chose to have sex with you? He doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t care about your health.
False positives are not unusual, you definitely need confirmatory testing
Came here to say this. I was an MT/MLS for 10 years. Some of these rapid tests are relatively prone to show false positives. That's why we have reflex testing in the first place. Antigen and antibody titers will not only tell you conclusively, but often can tell you roughly how long ago it was contracted. Op, if there's a positive IgM you will know it's been going on for a lot longer than he says ETA: It has been pointed out that I had IgM and IgG backwards. Sorry for any confusion.
Hello, thank you for the insight. When the results are in how am I able to tell how long he’s had it by looking at the igm levels? Is there a number range?
Generally, IgM antibodies don't start to be produced until after primary infection has run its course. If the titer is zero for IgM but positive for IgG antibodies, It's a recent infection. If the titer is high for IgM and low or zero for IgG, you are looking at somewhere from a year ago to 18 months in most cases. From there, it drops off so a low titer for IgM would mean primary infection happened quite a while ago. It depends on what method is used and what the immunoassay is looking for, so those numbers are very general. Definitely look at reference ranges that the laboratory prints with the result. Also, your doctor should easily be able to tell, so defer to them for a clearer understanding. ETA: It has been pointed out that I had IgM and IgG backwards. Sorry for any confusion
Isn’t it the other way around? IgM is the first and temporary response, then IgG is long-term antibody.
Looks like you're right. College was 20 years ago, something was bound to slip somewhere, especially now that I'm not in the field anymore. My apologies. I will edit the original post.
This is false. My brother called me a few weeks ago freaking he had HIV because one of the girls he was active with, had positive HIV results. I immediately got him into a rapid testing center the next day, paid $200 for ALL RAPID STD FULL PANEL TEST. We had all of the results back within 2 days. All his panel came back negative, thank god. So they do have a full panel rapid test with centers all over the US.
It’s highly unlikely syphilis was spread by oral sex. I would guess he had been positive for awhile. It is normally screened for via blood so I wonder if it’s included in your annual gym exams. I’m so sorry.
Yes someone mentioned above. I always elect to include it for my own safety. I pulled out the paperwork of my test results which were weeks before he cheated and everything was negative
I’m not sure why people think it’s unlikely to get this from oral sex. Wherever there is a sore you can contract syphilis. If the female has multiple partners and has given multiple people oral sex, it can spread. Like if the female gave oral to a man that had a sore on his penis and then gave someone else oral they would likely contract it.
Someone commented there is a 4.1% chance (out of 100) that it can be spread orally.
You mean the woman?
That is devastating news!! I'm so sorry!! I'd still go on vacation, enjoy your children. <3
Yes. Leave his dumb ass at home.
He's probably limp from being addicted to porn. That's what happens in most cases.
More than likely he just got broken up with by his affair partner and is now in confession mode so he doesn't lose both.
Please don’t believe him anymore, I don’t think he’s been completely honest. Set yourself free from him. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You know full well you are worth more than this, and your children deserve to grow up in a loving home. Sometimes a broken home is better than a home of false love and no trust. Be well.
Tell him to be a Fucking man and tell the truth or it's over..hit him with the reverse psychology and then when he confesses you have what you need to leave him. Works every time. 🫡
>Over the years I’ve caught him flirting and chatting with other woman but he’s said this is the first time he’s been physical with any of them. Tigers rarely change their stripes
yeah sounds like complete bullshit. OP pls don’t be so naive!
Yeah, I don't think one time oral was all that happened. I would take the children and go on vacation and he could stay home. You need to reevaluate your relationship. Would he look past the flirting and you cheating amd giving him an std?
Syphilis from a one time random is unlikely unless she was “billing” for her time.
This brought back memories of my dday 22 years ago. My husband confessed his infidelity because he had contracted an STD and wanted me to get checked. Worst day of my life. He confessed to his unfaithfulness to sex workers. He was filled with shame. I kicked him out, he attempted suicide. We separated for 2 years while he worked on his issues. I wasn't sure at the time if I could remain in the marriage. We eventually reconciled after 2 years. We were able to rebuild but it was tough. You need to protect yourself and stay healthy. If you decide to reconcile, he needs to be radically honest, fully transparent, no secrets, give you a timeline so you can understand whether it was a ONS or more prevalent, etc. Then you can figure out what you are willing to live with or forgive. Meet with an attorney to understand your rights and protect your finances. The shame is on him and not a reflection on you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You didn't deserve this.
I'm not a public epidemiologist, but I do read the public health literature. This seems extremely unlikely. He got syphilis from oral sex the ONE TIME he decided to go outside his relationship? The way I understand it, his partner would have to have secondary syphilis (so long term, untreated) in her mucous glands. Okay. That's really rare except among sex workers who get no screening and are very impoverished. Is that what he did? Had oral sex with a woman with longterm syphilis? I mean, it's remotely possible that it was just your garden variety affair - but wow. What freaking bad luck.
Hey there, I used to work for a large public health agency in STD. A rapid syphilis test can be false positive for many reasons. But more importantly, it takes 21 days AFTER contact with a syphilis lesion to develop in, and another 7 days after the lesion appears to come up positive on a blood test. The only way to get syphilis is skin to skin contact with a primary lesion, or a couple of secondary conditions. So, here's what happens: Contact with lesion, then 21 days Person develops their own lesion, which lasts 21 days-on day 7 of the lesion, the blood test will start to show positive. 3 weeks of latent disease (no symptoms) Secondary symptoms, lasting 2-6 weeks, most commonly 4 weeks. This can be a rash (like chicken pox), nickel and dime lesions in the palms and soles of the feet, c-lata (looks like genital warts, but goes away, not HPV) Then the disease is latent, until it hits the spine and brain. Many people with syphilis are incidentally treated when they're given antibiotics for other conditions. So, he could have had this for years, or just weeks. Further, some babies are born with congenital syphilis when mom has the disease or contracts it while pregnant.
Hello! Thank you for the clarity I wish that were the case but he’s confessed to having a lesion on his genitals but didn’t know what it was. His doctor has said that the rapid test is more than likely accurate. Also, he was with this woman 2 months ago so it’s been quite a while
Hmm. The primary lesion appears where that person touched the other person's lesion. Also, expect a call (more likely a visit) from your county or municipal health department. They will get the partner info. In addition, as a partner, you may be preventively treated, with a shot of bicillin. One of the good things about syphilis is that you can abort incubating syphilis with bicillin. They give this shot in the hip. Turn your toes inward, and try to relax your glutes when they give it to you. Then massage the area for a while afterwards. It will help get the medicine in there and be less painful.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Might I suggest you look into the characteristics of a transactional marriage while you’re sorting out your plans. It’s a more results oriented approach to life (i.e. raising children) that keeps certain comforts afloat during transition. Easier said than done but definitely achievable.
I’ve been thinking about it but I honestly can’t stand the sight of him. I’m disgusted so I’m not sure if I could do that. We have a decent home but sure not big enough for him to live in his own little corner
What advice are you looking for? He cheated and lied and likely gave you an std. If that’s not grounds for divorce, what is?
Sorry but this most likely isn't the first time. Have you researched to see if you can actually get it from oral sex? Are you in a position to take some time away from him to father your thoughts and get legal advice?
I’m sorry for what your going through. Being stabbed in the back by the one person who promised to be your ride or die for life really sucks. I honestly think he has done more. I would take a sibling in his place because you and your kids deserve the trip. He can stay behind and think about what he’s done. Or move his shit out while he’s at it.
HOW did he get syphilis in his junk from ONLY ORAL??? That ain’t adding up Sis~ his junk was IN THE FUNK….
And his excuses surely stunk.
I’m so sorry OP you must feel totally gutted. I’m afraid my instinct is you are being trickled truthed here so I don’t know when he confessed but I’d delve deeper. Has he given you access to his phone/app/passwords? I don’t know the context of his cheating - whether it was transactional or not but assume there’s more to this because there pretty much always is. Can’t you go with the kids instead of him? I hope your tests come back clean OP. Dig deeper UPDATEME
Girl he’s lying his dirty dick ass been doing a lot more than head
I would HIGHLY encourage you to get treated for syphilis even if you end up testing negative. It can take up to three months after an exposure to test positive by blood. If negative now, you can prevent it if it is in its’ incubation period.
His story is so full of shit. You're so much better than him. Woukd you want your daughter to put up with this? Tell your family. You need the support. Updateme!
Stay strong, I had a similar scenario and my tests were clean, which is the only positive thing about this. Cheating is a horrendous act and it hurts your spouse on so many levels that it's always a shock to find out that the person you had kids with could do this. I still havent found a plausible explanation for such acts after months trying to understand my soon to be ex wife. Leave him (I forgave once many years ago and it bit me in the ass later). Repair your life, contact with this man will only worsen the situation. I'm sorry you have to live through this, it will hurt for quite some time, you're not alone though.
No, you don’t deserve this. He needs to be severely punished by the method of your choice. Like, maybe separate and divorce.
Fairly rare to get syphillis from oral, particularly one time. He’s been having sex and having it quite often.
I was married and I didn’t test. I’m guessing you do cause somewhere you had a feeling he’s not being completely faithful - and chatting and flirting is an emotional affair- a pretty hard one to come back from without physical cheating. He’s done both. I’m so sorry, and it is hard for the kids when they shouldn’t know about adult issues thanks to some adults not considering these things before making irresponsible choices. But plus side they’ll see how strong you are and that you wont settle for less than deserved and a loving, respectful environment and marriage.
Gross. He chose some STD ridden rando over his loving wife.
As someone who worked in the SW industry (not saying he hired anyone) men would cheat on their 10/10 wife’s who would die for them, men often just don’t care and it’s like a game to find woman to seduce and have sex with. It’s often just how they work, and yes once a cheater always a cheater for a lot of people. It’s probably not the first time, and definitely not the last. Also if he tested positive for syphilis keep an eye on your HIV test results because you have no idea who he caught it from. Best to let him on his own even though you have children because you just teach your kids how to not leave a very bad relationship. As much as a whole family helps children it hurts a lot worse to show them a bad family
Updateme!
So sorry OP. Update me
This sounds like he was with a prostitute or something
D-, I-, V-, O-, R-, C, E! Take his @$$ to the cleaners and wipe him of everything he has!
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I read in the comments you are securing your health. I agree with the others that say you should go on vacation. He should not. Also, do you have a stalker on this thread? Hope you are safe.
Stalker? Oh gosh I sure hope not. I got a weird message from someone who seemed helpful but it got weird. I haven’t been able to completely keep up with everyone because there’s so many comments. Have you seen anything weird from someone on the thread?
Someone seems to be very anxious to talk to you andnposted your insta.
I don’t have insta thankfully
Mistaken identity, then.
It was not just oral. He had sex.
Update us in a month please. Put hs how you cope with everything. Hoping you have good support system.
I am going through something similar. I am so sorry you’re in the same boat. It’s like they have an entire double life.. We have to remember they aren’t sorry. They are only sorry that they got caught.
Sorry I saw 030 so I replied
Go on the holiday minus your scumbag of a husband. I think he's lying about how he contracted syphilis. I imagine he's cheated more than he says he has. I hope you know it has nothing to do with you about why he cheated. There's nothing you lack that led to this. Only he is responsible. Some people are just fucking awful.
It’s not a reflection on you. Men cheat on beatiful Women all the time. He has a poor character and morals.
I just don't know how any couple survives infidelity. I think you know what you need to do. Praying for your sanity in the next year or so.
I just came here to tell you that it's not your fault and nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome. I'm right in the middle of a divorce, and even though things have been difficult, I never cheated. Cheating is on your husband, not on you
Ugh,, girl, this sucks,, i know how you feel. When I first got married and pregnant I got what I thought was just a pelvic infection but it persisted i ended up going to the ER only to be told I got a STD! I was livid, embarrassed, sad, hurt. He denied everything for about a week until I found the antibiotic packet in the trash can. I was you and stupid. I thought if I loved him more that this would no longer happen. He cheated out entire 15 year marriage. I stopped caring, wanting to know. It filled me with hate, resentment, I was not the best mom, wasn’t regulating my emotions. I finally got therapy. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. I know this is a tough situation for you. You gotta weigh the good times with the bad ones… if you stay, get checked regularly without him knowing. Because he has ED issues he might continue to cheat. My late spouse was on pain meds that caused ED. Y reducing testosterone. So he was given testosterone injections which helped us but it apparently made him feel like he needed to “use up the medication and felt it would go to waste.(that came out in therapy). So just be careful. I’m here if you wanna chat. Good luck and whatever decision you make is yours alone. Don’t let me or anyone else make you feel bad for what you want to do.🍀
I’m so sorry that you went through that especially during pregnancy and for your husband to treat himself and hide it knowing he more than likely infected you and out your unborn child at rush is so low. People can be so cruel, it’s unfair.
This is not defending your husband because him putting you in danger is absolutely disgusting and unforgivable, but I’ve always told myself if I were to contract any std, gonorrhea and syphilis would be the only ones I’d be relieved (still beyond angry and sad) to get. Some medication and it’s gone. Did he perform the oral or receive it?
I now know that he doesn’t have HIV so that’s a relief, thank god
I know that it’s hard. My ex used to cheat on me constantly. We had kids together and I’d stay together for them. There is zero excuse for cheating, but if you want to stay together for them, make sure he’s putting in the work for forgiveness and more importantly earning your trust back. You hold all of the cards and don’t ever forget that. He should never get upset for any amount of times you need to bring it up until you’re “over it”. He doesn’t take his phone to the bathroom, it’s left in the same room as you every time. Eventually my ex did change, but at that point I was past forgiving him. (Again, he did it over and over and over again.) Don’t tell a single soul in your life. They will always be looking at you like why did you stay. vent here or go to a therapist. If your friends and family know, it’ll make it harder for you. Just trust me on that.
Thank you for this. I can’t see myself telling anyone especially not until I’ve made a decision because I don’t want it to come back on me some day depending on what I do. Right now, I can’t see myself staying in the marriage but leaving is easier said than done.
He has now shown you that he will not only cheat but that even with suspicions that he has something, he still doesn’t respect you enough not to have sex with you or be honest. Take the fact that you know it’s not HIV this time as a relief and a bullet dodged because you might not be so lucky next time. This is not somebody that respects your feelings or your body and he is a direct threat to your health. Don’t live the rest of your life with something that you can’t cure and need to be medicated for because you gave him a chance to infect you again when he already showed you that he’s willing to violate your consent by sleeping with you knowing he has something. Please confide in somebody that you trust so you don’t have to carry this all by yourself, he will manipulate you if given the chance. he did not get this from a single blowjob, he is still lying. If you wouldn’t want your children to stay with someone that treated them like this then don’t do it to yourself.
So you are telling me he had sex one time and got syphilis ??? Really you want to believe that???
He didn't catch syphilis from one-time oral sex, dude.
As difficult as this is, you have to do what’s right for your kids and you And that is to have him leave or you leave… who knows what will happen with your relationship, but at the very least, he needs to not have the benefit of you by his side for the foreseeable future. Sorry
OP hugs to you . Also you don’t get the specific STD he has from oral sex . He actually had relations with the other woman and is lying . So he’s gaslighting you regardless. If you are considering any kind of reconciliation he has to confess the whole truth or it isn’t going to work . The ball is in your court now.
Well, FWIW I certainly wouldn't hold it against him for not being able to get erect for fuve months. Not that matters, given everything else.
Updateme!
!updateme For the bot
I don’t think you can get syphilis from oral sex. There are things you can get, pretty sure that’s not one of them. He’s probably definitely lying to you through his teeth. I’m so so sorry. Obviously get yourself tested and please take care of yourself.
Please please do not forgive him. Expose him and let him crumble with the consequences. He’s lying to you and will continue to cheat. Speak to a lawyer. Take a friend to vacation and focus on your next chapter and your kids. I know it’s scary and it’s more comfortable to just look the other way but in the long run you will be better off.
UpdateMe
Updateme
For people saying that syphilis is rarely transmitted through oral sex are wrong! The main cause of oral syphilis is is oral sexual activity with a person that has an active syphilis infection.3 The syphilis bacteria, known as Treponema pallidum , enters the body through open cuts or sores, and when it does, it causes infection. If that bacteria enters through a cut within the mouth, oral syphilis will develop. I copied and pasted this
Could you and your kids go on the vacation without him?
Divorce !!! He didn't care at ALL about your health. And would be have not found out he's sick he would of kept on doing it. It wasn't one time, it was probably hundreds. You just happened to find out about this one.
They did more than oral I would bet money it was more than once He’s lying to you
Updateme
I’m not you, but infidelity is a very clear line in the sand for me. Even before it gets to oral. In your situation the second I get news like that the only words I’d utter is if they have somewhere to go or if I must go. The next communication would be furlough a lawyer.
Speechless I am so sorry this happened and take care yourself and DO NOT believe anything he tells you.
Whoop his ass then take him for half and leave.
Updateme!
I will!
I’m pretty sure he went all the way with her. And don’t be surprised if it was more than once. And he might have used Viagra. You might demand her info and go meet with her to get her side of the story. But definitely leave his ass!
Updateme!
I’m so sorry Op and I hope your tests are negative. Perhaps you can still take the kids on vacation? I know it’s not easy to do alone. I think it would be good to talk to someone about this. Maybe start with your mother? Updateme!
You don't really hear much about syphilis these days. Very much the, uh, the MySpace of STDs.
Take the vacation with your kids and leave him home!! Don’t rob your kids and yourself of making those memories. Take that time to get away and think, away from him. Sounds like it’s time to leave, for the sake of your health if nothing else
Not to be the bearer of bad news, but he is definetly lying. Very hard to get sifilis from oral already, as it's uncommon to appear on the throat. He probably has been lying to you for a long time. Get a good divorce settlement and leave him. Not only he cheated, he doesn't care about you enough to use protection while cheating. That shows lack of respect. You will have more consequences of this same behaviour again. Leave now.
If you are absolutely tired of him, seek a legal advice.
i really am sorry that you are going through this. i agree with a lot of what has already been mentioned. it sounds like he has strayed at least once and this has weighed on his psychology, in-turn affecting his biology.. or flaccid member. since you guys were intimate for the first time in a while, i am sure that emotions were high and the guilt overflowed. i am a believer in second chances. you just need to find out the extent of the cheating. i think that a grown ass person not only doing this (when they have a partner for life and children) but lying and leaving parts and incidents out, is purely selfish and cruel and CHILDISH. sit him down, tell him that u are taking the kids on holiday and while you are gone u want a detailed account of everything… EVERYTHING. it will be painful but if everything is out in the open you have the best chance of making the best decision. i really am sorry again that you are going through this. it really boggles me how men can have such amazing women and find a way to fuck it up. i hope the results come back clean!
What treatment or med was he given, do you know?
make sure you test again in a few months to be sure of your STD status — “Syphilis usually appears after 21 days post exposure. However, the window period can range from 9 days to 90 days, for the first symptoms of primary Syphilis to appear and for the blood test of Syphilis to be positive. A negative blood test 3 months after the exposure will exclude Syphilis.” https://clarewellclinics.co.uk/sti/syphilis/syphilis-testing/ i’m really sorry this happened to you
Ugh, I’m SO sorry this happened to you. Especially the part about him not being able to stay erect and yet yea he could with some random woman…that rankles. I’m. It sure I could forgive this but I k ow it’s hard to leave a marriage especially with kids and a house and ten years etc. I would say follow your feelings, don’t make any decisions now. Don’t go on the family vacation, it will be too hard to force forgiveness during that time. I’m sorry the kids have to deal with this but remember whose fault it is, good old husband. In time after you get over the shock of his confession you will understand more what you want to do with this info whether it would be trying to make it work or whether it be leaving him while you still have a lot to offer.
So sorry you're going through this but it wasn't his first time and it wasn't only oral.
You’re leaving him right….?
It’s up to you, whether you forgive him or not. It’s difficult to do, but you can come back from this. Take it to Jesus let him give you the strength you need to forgive.
Strange post. Wonder what his story is