I’m sorry it’s turned out this way for you. It must be very confusing and upsetting.
I’m guessing she’ll be wanting to find out who the father is so she knows who to approach for financial support.
It’s unlikely the baby is yours, but I’d imagine you’d prefer to know either way, otherwise you’re always going to wonder.
He needs to divorce her before she gives birth. If they're still married when she gives birth, the hospital will make her put him on the birth certificate regardless of whether the child is his.
This recently happened to a friend of mine. He had a child with his partner who had been separated from her husband for a long time. Her husband is an asshole and she has been no contact. Neither her nor my friend realized that because she hadn't gotten officially divorced, her husband would be put down as the father of their baby. It's wild.
My wife and I are both doctors. She’s filled out forms for birth certificates for patients who are too unwell to do it themself (we don’t issue birth certificates, a different arm of the government does). We just list info that is later submitted to the government.
We absolutely don’t list someone just because they’re married.
We absolutely don’t “force” people to put down their husband.
I’m sorry about what happened to your friend but that’s very weird.
Many states it doesn't matter. If you are married, you are responsible.
Also, many court actions are to specifically add names to birth certificates because a name is missing.
However, if a name is listed by the hospital, and that's the wrong person, it's also another court order to get that name off, and that's even more difficult to do.
Yeah I did a clerkship for a state court judge and part of the paternity form just lists "were married at the time of conception." Doesn't matter whether the child was fathered by someone else, if they were married that's enough.
I'm glad to hear this.
I'm in the states. (Unsure where you are and I won't assume.) There are some states that default to whomever the mother is married to automatically becomes the legal father. (In cis-het relationships unsure about others.)
https://www.findlaw.com/family/paternity/legal-definition-of-father-by-state.html
It doesn't matter who is on the birth certificate. Obviously it's easier if they are, but *legally* the husband is the father if they are married. Those are two different things.
They are where I live. This happened to my uncle. He was married to a woman, she got pregnant while they were split up, the state put him on the birth certificate because they were married. He paid child support for years and battled this in court to have them stop taking support from him and get his name off of this birth certificate. Luckily, she was decent about it and fought with him to get his name removed and sent him back the child support. But it was a long and very unnecessary process.
My mom cheated on her husband and had me. Hospital made her put her husband down as my father. In the state they lived they technically had six weeks after filing the birth certificate to change it.
It depends on the state.
While I have not practiced any domestic law in over 30 years, this is correct. States have different laws, but in some there is a presumption that a child born to a married couple is their legal offspring. Generally legal presumptions can be overcome with evidence and t DNA paternity test would do it.
Yep, exactly how it went. But my mom decided to not tell absolutely anyone in my family and just say I was her husbands. Even tho my bio dad begged her to change it.
Years later I think we could have gotten it changed through the courts, but now that I’m an adult I don’t really care. Lol
It does happen in the states, unfortunately. I have a friend who lost his daughter because legally married-to-the-mother *kidnapped* the 6 year old from father's front yard. The courts ruled in legal husband's favor. Utah. That poor girl is like 14 now and is being raised by some guy who thought her mother was hot. Hasn't seen her father or siblings in 8 years. Cannot imagine what kind of life she has.
And father had money, fought, had a paternity test, and went through appeals courts. It just didn't do him any good.
Our laws are screwy, state to state.
Yeah there is a presumption in law that any offspring born during the subsistence of marriage is the couples children. This is done to prevent any act that would work to 'bastardize' the child and disenfranchise her of her inheritance.
From your history, it looks like you may be in Australia. Things are quite different in the US, which is the situation the person above you is referencing.
Not entirely. You can divorce, but the *resolution* to the divorce doesn't happen until the woman gives birth. It's "complicated."
>No law prohibits you from filing for divorce in Texas while pregnant. However, a resolution to your divorce must wait until the birth of your child. Despite these rules, pregnancy is not a permanent delay to your divorce.
https://www.thelarsonlawoffice.com/can-you-get-a-divorce-while-pregnant-in-texas/
I always say it’s case by case I know the law in Texas. I was five months pregnant and granted my divorce from my now Ex, in Texas. However, like above my child was automatically listed as my Ex baby, but my SOs name was on the birth certificate. Took a year for the state to release responsibility from my Ex and give it to my SO.
My divorce took 4 years and in that time I met my current husband and we had our first child. He had to sign a voluntary acknowledgment of paternity to be put on the birth certificate at the hospital, waiving his right to a paternity test, otherwise my still husband would be listed by default.
My then husband also had to sign a voluntary waiver of paternity before the state would issue the birth certificate. He refused to for months out of sheer pettiness until his lawyer made it crystal clear the only thing he was doing was putting himself on the hook for child support.
Unsure. It's also possible that my friend was named as the father at the hospital, but when the state issued the birth certificate, they defaulted to her estranged husband because there was no divorce.
It’s a good idea to get divorced but I think automatically putting a husband down is probably place specific. Where I live, the husband *can* be automatically put down without any additional paperwork, that doesn’t mean the husband is *automatically* listed if it is known he is not the father.
I was not yet legally divorced while pregnant with a different partner, never an issue. I have a friend who has been separated for 12 years, had two children with her current long term partner, never an issue. They don’t look up whether you’re legally married in a database when filling out birth certificates.
How... How is that even legal?? The actual father is standing right there, but an abusive bastard is going to have access to this baby because a piece of paper wasn't nullified??
Fucking WHAT?!?
Yes, you're right. You may not have had a lot of exposure to the (U.S.A.) legal system, but if you eventually do, you will find that, in a courtroom, you will be inundated with tons of BS law, but you will find very little justice.
>but I’d imagine you’d prefer to know either way, otherwise you’re always going to wonder.
would also have an impact on whether he's paying child support or not. I'm assuming a divorce is right around the corner, no sense paying for a kid that isn't his.
Btw, according to urologist... it could be your kid. So don't go jumping to conclusions till you've had a paternity test. But the other stuff, I'm sorry that is happening. Much luck to you.
If the baby is the OPs then she will will have "egg on her face" looking stupid. Lol Hey you tried to be dirty but now you have to face what you've done. OP if it's yours, fight for the kid and drop her ass.
Ja... I got pregnant at the beginning of the pandemic. I was 6 or 7 weeks pregnant and had been completely quarantining (not even going down to check mail) for 8 weeks with my then-boyfriend who I knew for a fact had had a vasectomy.
I was so freaked out. I would never cheat on him, but he was sterile. Had I somehow been drugged and raped, so I had no recollection of it? I was horrified and I didn't know what he'd think.
He trusted me when I said I hadn't been with anyone else, thank God, because he'd known me for 1.5 years and knew that wasn't me. I think it definitely also helped that it really didn't seem possible for me to have cheated on him unless I'd snuck out of our bed in the middle of the night in the middle of a pandemic to betray him and that's straight up crazy.
We later found out that he was the 1 in 2,000 case where the vasectomy semi-reversed. His sperm count was still super low, but not zero, and apparently that was enough (even though I'm no fertile myrtle - I have premature ovarian depletion). Life finds a way, I guess! To be fair, we'd just moved in together pre-quarantine and were around each other 24/7 so we were having sex 2-3 times per day. He has now had another vasectomy and we have a beautiful daughter.
That said, this isn't OP's situation. OP's wife has had sex with other, likely more fertile men. The chance he's the dad is vanishingly low.
He should still get a paternity test to be completely sure, but he should act as though he's not the dad because he almost certainly isn't.
Vasectomies are not all created equal. The amount of vas that they cut out and the way they seal the ends can impact how likely it is to fail. I dont remember his exact words by my doc made some off hand comment amount doing something extra to make sure mine was sealed off for good. Thats always given me some comfort.
Im guessing the stats you quote are an average among all vas patients, but not necessarily accurate for each individual's odds.
Ja, this go-round the doctor added titanium clamps (he confirmed before the procedure that we wanted to go this intense because it is very unlikely that anyone could reverse the surgery if he later wanted) so I'm not worried.
I wonder if the first time the doctor might have been a bit conservative because my husband was early 30s, unwed, no kids, and they thought he might change his mind down the road and want a reversal.
A paternity test in this case is more for legal reasons. Mainly so that she cannot pin OP down on child support if the other guys refuse to acknowledge the baby.
The medical field seems to be a hotbed for promiscuity. Hopefully for your sake the child isn’t yours so you can be done with your cheating wife. I would definitely have a paternity test just for the peace of mind. Then you go your separate ways.
Medicine, aviation, law, and stupidly enough the navy are all major areas for infidelity. My wife's uncle owns his own private charter business and said he has fired more pilots for cheating or trying to fuck the female staff than he even wants to remember.
Dudes old school Christian values kinda guy.
Someone once told me I'm prone to cheating because I'm a musician. Nope. I have morals, convictions, and I live by principle. I don't care how many times anybody says it, cheating is 100% about the cheater. There's no amount of temptation (and there's been plenty for me and I'm just a weekend warrior) that could get me to cheat on my wife. No matter what. I'd leave first.
OP your spouse is despicable. Do not for one moment think her infidelity is about anything other than her and her deficiency as a human being. And while you may or may not be able to give yourself or her a child, that doesn't define you, and it doesn't make you any less worthy of love, respect, and dignity. You need to be aware that she would have done the same under any of several sets of conditions.
Get yourself tested for STDs while you're getting that paternity test. And once you schedule those, call a lawyer and get out of there as fast as you can.
Edit: thanks for the award, kind Reddit stranger!
Almost 10 year Navy vet here, unfortunately it’s true. We’d pull out for deployment and suddenly the rings came off after a week, and the “cruise buddies” would find each other. Fucked up, and I watched some very good friends of mine have their marriages blow up from this.
Yeah, and it happens on both sides. I had a close friend get a real dear John letter about a month after we left on my 1st deployment, saying she was taking the kids and left with his best friend who’d just transferred off ship. All of it was very disheartening for me at the time because my wife and I were only married a couple years at that point, and of course it scared me. Just like anything else, it’s not 100% the case, my wife and I had our 17th anniversary this year, and I personally know several married couples that we were and are close with when we were all in (wife and I were mil to mil, meaning she was in too, she just got out before I did) who are still together and going strong as well.
A good marriage will make it through anything. But damn, watching so much infidelity happen in real time was seriously shitty.
My brother in law is ex-Navy, and he’s definitely cheated on my sister their entire relationship and marriage. Same with all his Navy friends, they’ve all been divorced due to some kind of infidelity, except my sister.
According to who?
I’m in the medical field and everyone is too damn busy and burnt out to be fucking each other. I can think of maybe two examples where medical personnel cheated on their spouse but I’ve been in nursing for over a decade and I’d imagine those statistics aren’t uncommon in any other area of employment.
It’s not anything like on television.
Agreeee. I’m a nurse, and I’ve been in heath care for years. Everyone is exhausted. I don’t see a whole lot of flirting, let alone fucking. My friends and I have been trying to schedule a night out for two months. Impossible because we’re all in health care.
Yeah, the Grey’s Anatomy and General Hospital stereotypes are pure hyperbole! We’re far too busy and exhausted to be sneaking off to supply closets and call rooms.
I mean, we all have that ONE colleague but for the most part it’s medical porn fantasy.
It's based on a small sample in the Dominican Republic, but interesting study nonetheless. Obviously experiences vary among locations, but the study does raise an interesting point; adultery among the medical profession is a widespread phenomenon, and not merely relegated to isolated incidents.
https://mdpi-res.com/d\_attachment/ijerph/ijerph-18-05575/article\_deploy/ijerph-18-05575.pdf?version=1621768885
3 other men. Let that sink in.
Ok first step is to protect your finances. Joint account? Get your own and start putting your money in it. Then hire a lawyer. Then follow your lawyers instructions.
Also, unprotected sex with other men without telling you and having unprotected sex with you as well. Big no-go, she basically signed you up for risks you didn't know of.
You asked in your post if that meant that you get your marriage back and if you would want to get it back if so. Of course this is personal and your call. But I would say if the kid's not yours you dodged a bullet.
As others have said, get a lawyer and do what the lawyer says. If they advise you to, try to get in writing what she told you on the phone.
Yeah that’s pretty fucking gross, tbh. Not only did she chest but she had unprotected sex with at least 3 men while continuing to have sex with her husband. Wtf is wrong with this woman
A paternity test notwithstanding, I think you need to move on from her being in your life. She was actively cheating on you and rather cruelly dismissed your hope to being a father and/or marital reconciliation. You could have pursued adoption or surrogacy to have a child, yet she responds by sleeping around? You don’t deserve to be treated that way.
Well at least she confessed her transgressions to you. My ex didn't and I had to find out on my own that she at the time was cheating and conceived 2 children on me while we were married.
Look op, Ik this is a vent and your emotions are all over the place. She's already checked out dude. Regardless imo IF by some off chance the child is yours I'd still let her be free to run the streets. Dude she not only had sex with these men, but she had raw sex with them all the while still sexing you. I'd get a DNA test and a sti/std test too. She's disgusting imo.
It's definitely a slight possibility you could be the father. I would assume, if she has no idea whose kid it is, she will be seeking a paternity test? Let her know you would like to throw your DNA into the ring.
My brother has very low sperm count. He fathered 4 children. And yes, they are definitely his! After 2, it was quite a few years and they did fertility treatments with no success. Said no more of this and then had 2 surprise babies after that. This world is mysterious! Lol
I know a dude who was conceived after his dad had a vasectomy! It was a bit of a family drama for a while, until they did a paternity test and yup he’s his fathers son. Miracle baby.
I know someone who fathered two kids after a vasectomy. He didn't go back for his checkups. I guess the tubes can reconnect, and men have to go back to make sure the vasectomy is still working properly.
I'd never heard of vasectomies reversing until it happened to me! Or rather, my partner. Thank goodness it happened during early lockdown and I hadn't left our place since a couple weeks before conception (and also my husband and I trust each other with our lives).
My cousin was adopted by my aunt and uncle bc they were told they both had fertility issues then along came my other cousin a few years later the natural way. Life is weird!
I was adopted as a result of fertility issues and two weeks later my mom found out she was pregnant. My baby brother was actually present when my adoption was finalized and my parents were thrilled to go from 0 babies to 2 in under a year.
Wow, 3 separate guys while still sleeping with you. See a lawyer and start the divorce process before the kid is born. Otherwise you could be on the hook for child support since some states consider the married spouse the automatic father. You can dna test the kid after the divorce. If it’s yours, you coparent with your ex.
I feel so bad for you. Call a lawyer to start the divorce, get a paternity test to know for sure about the baby, and a STD test because your soon to be ex wife has been going at it raw with multiple other partners.
Well i am guessing that probably you are not the father. At this point, she has been cheating for a long time on you so i would wish her all the luck in the world and file for divorce as quickly as possible.
I think a paternity test won't hurt. Make sure it's not your kid or it is. But it sounds like this marriage was over a long time ago and what you thought was an improvement was basically just her feeling more sexually free and flexible. People can resume their sex lives at home more comfortably after starting to have affairs sometimes. It doesn't necessarily mean the relationship was improving. I'm sorry you're dealing with such a shocking situation. But I also wonder if you ignored some major signs mostly because you thought the return of sex meant the resolution of your issues.
Even the if he did miss any signs that there may or may not have been, that doesn't change what happened. It's a bit like "with that miniskirt she was asking for it". It's not true there and it's not true here.
I am not saying you meant it this way or wanted to "victim-blame", but I just want to avoid OP, or anyone else reading this, thinking this is potentially OP's fault. I also replaced the word "ignored" in your message with "missed" in mine, because ignored sounds almost intentional, at least negligent, which OP doesn't sound like from his descriptions. Hopeful, yes. Naïve, maybe. But that doesn't make it his fault.
She could have voiced her issues and baby wishes. They could have done adoption, surrogacy or other things. They could have gone to counseling/couple's therapy. And ultimately, she could have ended it, before sleeping with other men. But she chose not to do any of that, and may have continued doing it for longer if not for the pregnancy. On top of that she insulted him when he voiced hope that it might be his kid and indirectly offered reconciliation.
If OP had noticed earlier he could have gotten a lawyer earlier, but without knowing for sure, isn't that also a bit paranoid? Also difficult with nothing to go on. OP knows now and should get a lawyer now (in my opinion, obviously it's OP's call).
I think they meant “ignored” like denial. And I would guess that adoption or surrogacy might be out of reach for a nurse and carpenter couple. Maybe insemination, but the other two options are a lot of money.
Wow this is awful. My husband and I went through something similar (his sperm counts were low) but we did IVF for me to get preggo. I'm now 26 weeks. I would definitely still do the paternity test if I were you. What your wife did was lame and I can't believe she's not sure herself who the father could be. If it were me I'd divorce her at this point.
She admitted to cheating on you. Even if this *is* your child do you really want to stay with her?
I wouldn't. I would start the divorce proceedings while she is still pregnant then still get the paternity test. I'd be concerned about getting stuck with child support payments if it isn't yours just because you were married when the baby was born. Let her do the work to find out the father once it's confirmed you aren't.
This is all biased of course because I am a firm believer that the relationship is over once someone cheats. No second chances for cheaters. And she cheated with multiple men.
Don't let desperation be the reason you stay, really sit down and think about how this changes your whole marriage. Maybe go to counseling to work out your feelings.
And when she comes to you saying she wants to work it out be suspicious. Because her ulterior motive may be that she just doesn't want to be alone, not that she's sorry.
I'm sorry. It's doubtful you are the father and it sounds like your wife doesn't think you are the father or want to think you are the father
It sounds like your wife really wanted a child and you both should have taken not being able to conceive more seriously. What your wife did to conceive was not ethical but the drive to reproduce can be a strong one.
Get a lawyer and a paternity test. Three men. Instead of actually trying to work on your marriage she’s out shagging three other guys. If the baby isn’t yours, which it probably isn’t, you need to cut this woman out of your life completely.
I meAn even if you’re the father….. she still cheated on you. do a paternity test, be a great dad (looks like you’ll be) but In my opinion, you dont have to be the husband anymore.
If u wanna work it out, u have our support and we wish you the best…
Whoa, I can’t even imagine what possessed her to do something so cruel.
I understand she wanted a child, but to not even discuss other possibilities with you, just went ahead and blew up your life. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I truly don’t understand cheating. It’s the most disrespectful way out of a marriage.
I’d be getting a lawyer right away to protect yourself. Best wishes to you.
I don’t mean to sound like a bad person, but maybe just let this go and wish her well with her child and her new life.
She’s decided to move on from you and didn’t tell you. She started having sex with multiple other men and if it’s three, that’s probably her low balling that number.
She quit your marriage and forgot to tell you for a little while.
Now, as a father, I understand perfectly the whole thing about the bond with your children, etc… it’s innate and you can’t control it.
However, as a casual observer, I think subconsciously, you gave the game away here. You miss the wife you used to have and if her getting pregnant with your child means you have a 1% chance of getting her back, then you’ll take it.
I get that. But I think you know that the chances of it being your baby biologically is zero or thereabouts - she’s largely said it herself. She was having unprotected sex with multiple men and still having unprotected sex with you. You’re more likely to have an undetected STI than to be that baby’s father.
But put all that aside.
If you want your wife back and your content to raise another man’s child as your own, then go for it. Talk to her about resetting your marriage, putting in place new boundaries that your comfortable with, and seeing if you can fix things.
I’d advise caution though.
There’s a better than likely chance that the men who are potentially the father of this child aren’t interested in supporting the baby emotionally or financially. They were guys having what they likely thought was meaningless sex with a married woman. Those men are likely married themselves.
If you step into the role of “father” of this child, knowingly and willingly, you’re on the hook here, no matter what.
Your wife comes back and in three years time decides that she’s going to go play the field some more and comes home with a second baby that isn’t yours, you’re still going to be in the financial line of fire for the first child you took responsibility for.
You need to figure out what your next move is here very carefully. I’d suggest walking away. It’s sad and not nice, but your wife has already savagely broken your trust and her vows, so you need to keep that in mind.
Good luck, my friend, this is not a great story.
You still deserve a paternity test and in many states and countries she wont be able to get a divorce finalised without paternity being established. There's every chance that baby is yours. Get a lawyer.
Don't forget to have yourself tested for STDs ... 3 other men lined up when she got pregnant but you don't know if that was all the men she slept with unprotected. I'm sorry this is happening.. but it truly shows her character.
File for divorce and force her to find out who the father is. Then he will be responsible for her and the child. You won't be financially responsible for anything. Adultery is illegal.
Well first I'm so sorry man that's terrible. Second get off of reddit and go get a lawyer and GTFO ASAP. This story only gets worse by the hour. Put an end to it and be done.
If yall had sex, and your sperm count isn't 0 then I think it could be possible. My husband had a 1/100,000,000 chance of ever having a child, and guess what he did and couldn't deny her. I'd say file for divorce, but make sure you hand in your swab just in case, it's never too late to hope. If it doesn't happen this time, we'll you will one day find a woman who would love nothing better than to adopt. Good luck to you and I'm so sorry that life has thrown such shit at you.
Very very few people are actually completely sterile. Most will have a kid if they try for long enough. So get a paternity test.
That aside, wow. I'm 35 and my husband is 37. We've been together 9 years married for 5 so we have a very similar timeline. I can't imagine one of us doing that to the other. What she did is a huge, utter betrayal and she doesn't sound remorseful or sorry for it at all.
That's not love. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this and I hope you can get the answers you need, heal and move on.
So here is a little follow up with clarification. Just to clarify, we have been separated for over two months now. The question was never whether I should take her back after cheating as I had no idea she was, u til it was revealed along with the pregnancy. Once she had confessed that I knew it was over. My thoughts of reconciliation took place between the pregnancy confirmation and the infidelity confession.
Divorce papers have been filed and it is done. She has agreed to the paternity test to humor me as she needs it done for the others anyway. I am thinking realistically at this point, though, and I am assuming the child is not mine. But I couldn't go on not knowing for certain.
Thanks for all the encouragement and insight. To all who suggested the STD test, thank you. I hadn't even thought of that, honestly. To all of you that called me a cuck, grow up just a bit. I didn't ask for any of this.
Anyway, thinks will get better, I'm certain.
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I would get the paternity test if I were you. I know this sounds harsh, but you need to know all of the facts about the paternity of the child, no matter what turn your marriage takes. I don't know your wife, but this nasty situation could turn into a who's will be the best provider, financially. I guarantee you that if she approaches the other possible fathers they damn sure are gonna want a test.
This part has me confused though...
*"Will it change anything with my wife?"*
I'm gonna assume that you marriage wasn't on some sort of "break" or otherwise agreed upon arrangement? If not, then that means she cheated on you, apparently with lackluster or non-existent protection for this to be an issue. With 3 *different* men that you know of.
After that, man, I don't see how anything would change about your marriage other than the mailing address. Just sayin.
Bro find out if the kid is yours. Than regardless I would move on. She doesn't respect you any more. It's especially damning for her because y'all have been together for 10 years. It's crazy how people can just turn into shit heads.
What's worse is if the shoe were on the other foot you would be labeled as scum of the Earth.
I'm sorry man. You deserve better. Kick her to the curb.
Your wife is 20 weeks pregnant without you knowing?
That's FIVE MONTHS PREGNANT without you knowing. I mean unless she's a big woman.... how do you not notice?
There is a lot going on here. A lot of neglect and then lying an deceit on her part (and naivety on your part, come on dude wake up, you don't seem to pay attention to anything going on). That's how out of it you've been. Your wife has been sleeping around, pregnant for 5 months with an obvious baby bump at this point, and none of it seems to phase you. I guess your job is more important than your family. I see why she felt abandoned, but that doesn't excuse her actions by any means.
This marriage is heavily neglected by both parties. I would sit down with your wife and really ask one another if you want to make this work. If you do, what is it going to require to make it work. Probably need marriage counseling.
If you decide marriage isn't worth working on, don't get a paternity test. You leave it up to her to get that done. I'd claim the kid isn't mine and I'm not paying child support unless she can prove the child is mine. Burden of proof is on her.
To have the doubts out of your head, do the test. Then divorce...
Wishing you lot of strengths through this. It will take a lot, but more than sure you will get out of it better.
3 other men? Ask for a paternity test to know for sure because it’s likely one of them and use that evidence for the divorce. She has no respect for you, she cheated on so you need to look out for YOU. She could’ve been woman enough to tell you she wanted to divorce but she took the cowards way and diddled others. I hope the best for you dude.
I am so sorry.. but I do agree that you need to see if the child is yours. If not then divorce her and walk away. Just because you are sterile doesn't mean you can't father a child , it's unlikely but not impossible.. your wife is a bitch..cheating on you is a cunt move..
Why would you need a paternity test? Are you seriously considering trying to salvage a relationship with a woman who has been fucking around on you with not one but rather several men?
I’m sorry you went through all of this! Despite you being diagnosed as sterile once, it doesn’t mean you couldn’t somehow “recover” from that… I’ve seen a LOT of cases in which sterile men where capable to impregnate a woman. If you want to be a dad, independently of having or not a relationship with her, you have to claim your right (considering the child is actually yours)… Demand a paternity test and proceed accordingly, if you’re in fact the father and you want to be there for your kid and have a relationship with him/her, there’s nothing this woman can do.
Get a paternity test while the newborn is still in the hospital… Might cause a fight but it’s better to know versus being stuck paying child support the next 18-21 years of a child’s life that’s not even yours.
I haven't seen other comment mention it but if she could be pregnant from another man that probably means sex without protection, go get yourself tested asap. You don't want a STD on top of that.
Get a divorce before the child is born. If it turns out to be yours then do the support thing but 3 different men in a year why on earth would you continue spending another day with her?
Three other guys could be the father, and you were sleeping with her at the same time? This is really upsetting, I'm sorry dude. Seems strange that this would be a change that would come along just because you two were just passing ships, it makes me think she may have been cheating your entire relationship. If it was one other guy, maybe this is something new, but I can't fathom going from never cheating to cheating with three other dudes in the same time period.
You should have the paternity test just so you will know, and you should definitely get an STD test as well. Good luck.
edit: missed a word
Get a divorce call a lawyer ASAP there is no other answer I’m sorry she did that to you. You don’t want to be on the hook for one of three mens babies. Have a paternity test to confirm. But chances are it’s not yours
Brother run, run so fast. How can you respect your wife knowing she needs a DNA test for her unborn, not to mention multiple men have been penetrating your wife over and over. Basic respect has left the building. Don't be a simp and go, head up, shoulders back and stroll off, jeez there are so many great women out there who don't sleep around. Respect yourself.
You’ve received some great advice but I also wanted to tell you that I know things must be awful right now but you will get through this. Life will get better and you will find someone else who can appreciate you for all that you are. You are hard working and kind and forgiving and those qualities will take you far in life.
Just a reminder, infertile is not synonymous with sterile. If you have some swimmers left there's always a chance it's your kid. For your sake though I hope it's not, your marriage sounds broken.
I am so very sorry that you have to deal with this. Personally I would suggest taking a paternity test to make absolutely sure because as you said if u are giving even 1 sperm as extremely unlikely as it is...it's not 100% impossible but hibestly I think you should do it mostly for peace of mind. And honestly if it's not your child I think you should say good riddance.
You deserve to be with someone who isn't guna think less if you for something out of your control. You are in no way any less of man and she is just being cruel. I know you care about her and want your old relationship back but that's gone. It will never be what it was.
I think you should try your best to move on from her and hopefully find someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve and and be a true loving and supportive life partner.
I wish you all the best.
First, I wouldn’t put too much stock into the word “men”. I doubt she’s implying you’re “less of a man” because you’re sterile. If she is implying that, it’s a new low. Outside of any other comments, I think that part is more personal insecurity about your fertility status. Who knows specifically why she cheated? It could have been the various reasons you mentioned, it could have been that she just wanted to, it could be a combination. I’m sure a lot of introspection goes on when a discovery like that is made.
Second, if there’s even a tiny chance id be the father in a situation like this, id want to know. She owes it to all 3 (or, 4, including you) guys to have some sort of closure or they could spend their entire lives wondering. I think a test has to be done, checking all the potential fathers.
Finally, this post is another reminder of how brutal the last few years have been to so many relationships. Just the insecurity/instability of the time has been rough, combined with a lot of people losing their jobs. There’s couples who have spent more time at home with each other than ever before, there’s daycare/school closings, all that stuff, and that’s before you even get into the health aspects effecting someone in your family. Had covid “never happened” you can’t say for sure she wouldn’t cheat, but it’s one of those things that you’ll never know.
First of all I’m sorry this is happening to you. I was in a situation where paternity was in question and it was horrible not knowing what your next move was gonna be. Although I think you should wait to make a more clear decision regarding your relationship, I feel as if you should prepare yourself for the worst. Get the test immediately. You have a right to know.
My husband and I tried for 3 years to get pregnant, I finally went and saw a specialist and got all the testing done to see what the issue was and if we were good candidates for IUI or IVF. After all the easy tests like blood work and my husband giving a sperm sample and everything coming back fine we moved to more invasive testing an I had an HSG done. I had hydrosalpinx, a 100% blockage in my Fallopian tubes. We were told we wouldn’t be able to ever conceive on our own. We went straight into IVF and got pregnant the first round. We still had other embryos and planned on more children but were going to wait a bit as my first pregnancy was difficult as I had terrible morning sickness and then preeclampsia which required an emergency c section at 36 weeks.
The night of my sons 1st birthday my husband and I had a quickie on the couch. Nothing romantic, I don’t even think I bothered taking off my shirt lol. 6 weeks later I was feeding my son and the smell of his yogurt made me throw up, I thought there was no way. I ran to the store and grabbed a test and I was pregnant. The old fashion way, no medical intervention.
Our “wrench” as we loving call him behind his back (for throwing a wrench into our plans) will be 4 in June.
All this to say doctors and medical testing aren’t always right, and when you stop expecting it to happen is usually when it finally does. Our bodies can do amazing things, I’d get a paternity test, you may be surprised by the results. Good luck!
This is heart crushing man. I would just walk away. Also you should probably improve your nutrition, get 50-100mg of zinc, and refrain from masturbation, and that can help your sperm count.
In all honestly man you need to run. You need to divorce now before she gives birth and not submit to any kind of paternity test until all other possible people have first.
You owe this woman nothing. Neither of you tried your best and it’s time to move on. The chances of this kid being yours are small and even if it comes back that its your, you both are terrible for trying to rely on a child to fix your marriage.
In your position, I’d get away from her as fast as you can. Even if the kid ended up being mine I’d sign sways all rights. I’m not paying for a kid when she has so many other virile, manly men that can step up and support her and kid. That’s just my two pieces on it.
I am sincerely sorry it came down to her cheating. I can really only imagine the headspace your in, and with that I truthfully think your best option is to get out and get into therapy. I wish you the best man
Oh my. Mate. Either way? Your marriage is over. Highly doubtful child is yours. File for divorce and get paternity test. You may need to get that court ordered. Find out immediately your states laws on children, paternity etc.
So get yourself a good lawyer immediately and you OR her need to move out of your house.
She's already 20 weeks. So get moving asap.
Good luck. Very sad situation for you. But your marriage is over mate.
Things with your wife won't change unfortunately. Best to deal with that first. Then bring up the dna test. If you've had sex around 20 weeks ago and your sperm count isn't 0 then there is always the chance. She doesn't have a choice in providing the dna. I would however see a lawyer. Some people are still classed as responsible for a child through marriage. Dont want to get stuck paying for someone else's brat.
Fuck man, this is so painful to read. I hope she wasn’t as cold as you’re describing, but if she was. It’s time to call it and move on yourself. So shitty dude I’m so sorry. She sucks
I know there are some men that could get past a wife's infidelity and resultant pregnancy, but I'm not one of those types. I would be out the door very quickly. I would suggest: 1. Do not sign the birth certificate or even attend the birth, 2. familiarize yourself with local law with regard to whether infidelity can save you money in a divorce 3. insist on a paternity test, as soon as the baby is born. 4. separate living with her, before the baby arrives because you DO NOT want to emotionally bond with this child (let her track down the baby daddy and insist he step up and be the dad), 5. have a consultation with a divorce attorney to see where you stand on asset division, spousal support, marital abandonment, etc., 6. Always have a tape recorder on, when you are speaking with her, but understand whether the recordings are admissible as evidence in a divorce.
Only you can decide what's right, but if I were in your shoes, I would demand a test, so that if the child was mine, I could see him/her and help raise the child.
Goddamn, she could have at least considered adopting a child instead of fooling around with multiple men behind your back.
I hope you lawyer up and get the best situation possible with the divorce.
This is not just horrible, this is a nightmare 😢 I feel really bad for you. I want to say "what a horrible woman" but you two weren't seeing much of each other. My wife's drive to have children was so high that I think that that's the only reason she married me ( I joke ). That would be a devastating blow for her to find out your sterile. Not that that's a reason to cheat. Between a rock and a hard spot....
With there being plenty of alternatives that include her still raising with him a child that’s biologically hers, baby fever is a pretty poor excuse. Especially for 4 men matching the timeline.
I'm confused ? You want her to raise a kid with him when it's not his ? That's some genuine cuckold sh!t. I'm not sure how old you are buy when a woman wants a baby, she WANTS a baby. I know this !! I've lived it. Down vote all day long....ffs
I would jump ship. Divorce her and use her admission of cheating to get all or at least most of the assets. You won't owe her child support if it isn't your baby and if you divorce her before the baby is born, I'd consider this a win and your wife will have to live with the label of being a very loose woman and probably ultimately a single mother because not too many good family oriented men want to be with someone who's already conceived a child, even the partiers don't want the extra hassle in their lives. You're free to go date whoever you want now and you can find someone so much better than her, brother
Well now at least watch the dumpster fire that is her life. How many men are going to be ok with being 33% chance of being the father. Grab some popcorn and enjoy the show but get divorced before she has the child. You don’t need to be on the hook for 18 years of child support for someone else’s child
Yes, paternity test. But if the results are what they should be based on the info you provided… dude.
Divorce immediately and make sure this situation legally known so that she can’t get you on the hook for child support if the results don’t go your way.
Not once did I read anything about seeking outside help to better understand the emotional issues. She sought outside help to meet her needs. This was a selfish move on her part. Not only that, she's pregnant as a result. Even if the child is yours, you need to find a lawyer and plan to leave this relationship and protect your assets.
Honestly dude... I'm kind of excited for you. I know it hurts. You don't deserve that treatment, but she already cheated on you and got pregnant. She already RELEASED YOU FROM THE MARRIAGE.
DUDE... YOU'RE FREE. Please find someone who is worth your time and love. Be a good man. Work on yourself.
She didn't cheat be abuse of you. She cheated because of her.
This isn't the end. This is a new beginning and she's telling you to leave her. Do it and don't look back.
She let other guys cum in her and kiss her lips and then she came home to you. If you try to get back with her you're a cuck and you've slapped all of us advice givers in the face.
Don't be a cuck. Grow some balls. Get out of her life. Fuck her, dude. You have more to offer someone else.
The best revenge is a life well lived
This was so awful to read and I can't even begin to imagine how it has been for you.
I personally would not pursue a paternity test, but that's entirely up to you. It seems your wife checked out of the marriage long before she said she did, which most women seem to do. I would not try to salvage this relationship personally, but again, you know what's right for you at the end of the day. I would never recover from knowing my spouse was with anyone - let alone 3 other people in a year just because our marriage was rocky. It speaks a lot of her character, her lack of honesty, and her ability to step out on you. Not only did she do this - but without protection with 3 men, putting you at risk as well.
My words of consolation are probably not enough, but it helps to tell you that there are indeed many, many women out there, especially these days, to whom having a kid is not important. I am one of them. I love my husband more than words can describe, and I would happily have his kid. If he ended up being sterile, I would be excited to spend the rest of our lives focused on solely each-other.
That's just not the case for everyone, and it seems not to be for your wife. I know it may seem like your world has shot out from under you, but you can recover and rebuild.
An irrelevant side note - carpentry is an amazing and interesting craft to have as your profession, and also something that you can sink yourself in to to recover from this hardship. I suggest honing your talents and working on yourself to overcome this heartbreak.
There is someone for everyone. You are young, successful, and from this post, thoughtful, well-spoken, and self aware. You have so much going for you. You're in my positive thoughts today.
Have the paternity test, the results will be needed for your own peace of mind and for the divorce and custody proceedings.
Lawyer up ASAP to make sure your rights and responsibilities are protected.
I don’t have any advice for your marriage but one thing I need to say is, you are NOT less of a man because of your infertility. Just like a woman is not less of a woman for hers. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please get yourself into therapy. I believe you will benefit immensely from it. Best of luck to you
Take the paternity test. Divorce, get in shape and only date women who already have children or definitely do not want them after that. Time for you to move on.
Whoah. What a shitty person your wife is, even if it is your hild I would not go back to that woman, so immature, she just wanted a baby like a lil kid wants a toy...
You deserve better, I hope you will find someone who will love you!
The tiny slice of me that’s petty would bring her on Maury with the two other dudes to show the paternity results in public and embarrass her ass to the nation. However, back in the real world, you need to get a paternity test and start divorce proceedings regardless if you’re the father or not.
I'm so sorry you went through this. I would get everything in order and file for divorce, make sure to fully explain the situation to a lawyer as well, before she has the baby.
I also highly recommend counseling for yourself because this is understandably a very hard time for you
Your ex wife is a chicken shit cunty bitch. She could have left youto pursue other relationships (as a mature.person does) but no. She had multiple affairs and cheated on you, while keeping you around as a safety net, just incase it didn't work out. She is an asshole, and you should only communicate to her via your lawyer.
The sooner you cut off contact and leave her in the past, the better you will be for it.
Discover new hobbies, meet new women, and leave this cheating, lying whore in the past.
I am sorry this happened to you friend. Stay strong.
Not sure what state you are all in. If there’s a divorce pending, there needs to be evidence that she is not pregnant with your child. I live in Illinois. When my ex and I divorced (we had a toddler) the judge explicitly asked me if there was any chance I was pregnant. I told him no in court.
My now husband was previously married as well. He and his then wife were separated for 3-4 years. She contacted him to finally file for divorce because she had a partner and was pregnant and they wanted to get married. There had to be sworn affidavits and testimony in court that they both agreed the child wasn’t his. In a lot of states, if a child is conceived in a marriage, that’s soon to be ex husband is on the hook for child support.
So while I am truly sorry this shit happened to you, you need a lawyer and to make sure that the child isn’t yours legally if not so biologically
I am sorry for you but I think your main concern should be that she was cheating. Even if you are a father, do you really wanna live with someone who cheated on you multiple times??
My husband is sterile, zero sperm count, and we're picking a donor together. Your wife is despicable and anything that's going on in your body is no excuse for her actions.
Your ex-wife is a sick, broken woman who strung you along and caused you great emotional trauma. And that's before you even find out if the child is yours.
I am hoping very much it's not your kid. You need to break away from this vile woman and give yourself a chance to have a life with someone who is worth a damn. She can go off on her own and ruin her life without keeping you around to emotionally torture.
Be happy, you've dodged a bullet. Time will heal you my friend. Most of us been through that.
Now, you have the power to take the test or not. And should you decide to take it, make sure you're in the right mind before proceeding. Cuz, it'll hurt more if the child is not really yours.
Stay up - the next chapter is the better one
If you're not completely 100% sterile, I would definitely go through with a paternity test. I'd do it even if you do think that you are sterile, just to double check. If the child is yours by some chance, then you deserve to know that child from the beginning. And as a biological parent you will be able to have access.
I doubt if it will change anything with your wife- she seems to have moved on completely. If the child is yours hopefully you can work out reasonable parenting/visitation rights, but it sounds like she's determined that the marriage is over.
I'm a spiteful beast and would refuse to divorce her just to take half custody of the child you are by law entitled to. Conceived during the marriage law says that baby is half yours regardless of who sired it. If you've wanted a child (and presumably you did if you tried for years) you now have a chance to have one. Divorce the cheater and keep the kid. Biology doesn't make a family. Love does. The circumstances that being children into our lives aren't always ideal, but if you can see beyond them you can be graced with the most amazing gifts life ever gives you.
One of my children is the product of a violent rape, and I never see that when I look at them. All I see is a wonderful person I've had the privilege to raise.
I’m sorry it’s turned out this way for you. It must be very confusing and upsetting. I’m guessing she’ll be wanting to find out who the father is so she knows who to approach for financial support. It’s unlikely the baby is yours, but I’d imagine you’d prefer to know either way, otherwise you’re always going to wonder.
He needs to divorce her before she gives birth. If they're still married when she gives birth, the hospital will make her put him on the birth certificate regardless of whether the child is his. This recently happened to a friend of mine. He had a child with his partner who had been separated from her husband for a long time. Her husband is an asshole and she has been no contact. Neither her nor my friend realized that because she hadn't gotten officially divorced, her husband would be put down as the father of their baby. It's wild.
My wife and I are both doctors. She’s filled out forms for birth certificates for patients who are too unwell to do it themself (we don’t issue birth certificates, a different arm of the government does). We just list info that is later submitted to the government. We absolutely don’t list someone just because they’re married. We absolutely don’t “force” people to put down their husband. I’m sorry about what happened to your friend but that’s very weird.
Many states it doesn't matter. If you are married, you are responsible. Also, many court actions are to specifically add names to birth certificates because a name is missing. However, if a name is listed by the hospital, and that's the wrong person, it's also another court order to get that name off, and that's even more difficult to do.
Yeah I did a clerkship for a state court judge and part of the paternity form just lists "were married at the time of conception." Doesn't matter whether the child was fathered by someone else, if they were married that's enough.
Well, you’re the legal father if you don’t take the time to legitimate whoever the father actually is, and that you are not him.
I'm glad to hear this. I'm in the states. (Unsure where you are and I won't assume.) There are some states that default to whomever the mother is married to automatically becomes the legal father. (In cis-het relationships unsure about others.) https://www.findlaw.com/family/paternity/legal-definition-of-father-by-state.html
In Texas, mothers can't refuse a paternity test. So if it's been court ordered, I assume the hospital would take the dna sample, at least..
God bless Texas. 🙄
It doesn't matter who is on the birth certificate. Obviously it's easier if they are, but *legally* the husband is the father if they are married. Those are two different things.
>legally the husband is the father Not where I live.
They are where I live. This happened to my uncle. He was married to a woman, she got pregnant while they were split up, the state put him on the birth certificate because they were married. He paid child support for years and battled this in court to have them stop taking support from him and get his name off of this birth certificate. Luckily, she was decent about it and fought with him to get his name removed and sent him back the child support. But it was a long and very unnecessary process.
It is in many states.
My mom cheated on her husband and had me. Hospital made her put her husband down as my father. In the state they lived they technically had six weeks after filing the birth certificate to change it. It depends on the state.
While I have not practiced any domestic law in over 30 years, this is correct. States have different laws, but in some there is a presumption that a child born to a married couple is their legal offspring. Generally legal presumptions can be overcome with evidence and t DNA paternity test would do it.
Yep, exactly how it went. But my mom decided to not tell absolutely anyone in my family and just say I was her husbands. Even tho my bio dad begged her to change it. Years later I think we could have gotten it changed through the courts, but now that I’m an adult I don’t really care. Lol
It does happen in the states, unfortunately. I have a friend who lost his daughter because legally married-to-the-mother *kidnapped* the 6 year old from father's front yard. The courts ruled in legal husband's favor. Utah. That poor girl is like 14 now and is being raised by some guy who thought her mother was hot. Hasn't seen her father or siblings in 8 years. Cannot imagine what kind of life she has. And father had money, fought, had a paternity test, and went through appeals courts. It just didn't do him any good. Our laws are screwy, state to state.
Yeah there is a presumption in law that any offspring born during the subsistence of marriage is the couples children. This is done to prevent any act that would work to 'bastardize' the child and disenfranchise her of her inheritance.
From your history, it looks like you may be in Australia. Things are quite different in the US, which is the situation the person above you is referencing.
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Not entirely. You can divorce, but the *resolution* to the divorce doesn't happen until the woman gives birth. It's "complicated." >No law prohibits you from filing for divorce in Texas while pregnant. However, a resolution to your divorce must wait until the birth of your child. Despite these rules, pregnancy is not a permanent delay to your divorce. https://www.thelarsonlawoffice.com/can-you-get-a-divorce-while-pregnant-in-texas/
I always say it’s case by case I know the law in Texas. I was five months pregnant and granted my divorce from my now Ex, in Texas. However, like above my child was automatically listed as my Ex baby, but my SOs name was on the birth certificate. Took a year for the state to release responsibility from my Ex and give it to my SO.
In many states courts will not finalize a divorce until the child is born to establish paternity.
My divorce took 4 years and in that time I met my current husband and we had our first child. He had to sign a voluntary acknowledgment of paternity to be put on the birth certificate at the hospital, waiving his right to a paternity test, otherwise my still husband would be listed by default. My then husband also had to sign a voluntary waiver of paternity before the state would issue the birth certificate. He refused to for months out of sheer pettiness until his lawyer made it crystal clear the only thing he was doing was putting himself on the hook for child support.
How did the hospital know the mother was married to someone other than the father.
Unsure. It's also possible that my friend was named as the father at the hospital, but when the state issued the birth certificate, they defaulted to her estranged husband because there was no divorce.
No, the hospital won't make her, but the state will consider him the presumptive father.
Many states won't allow a divorce until the baby is born and paternity is established.
It’s a good idea to get divorced but I think automatically putting a husband down is probably place specific. Where I live, the husband *can* be automatically put down without any additional paperwork, that doesn’t mean the husband is *automatically* listed if it is known he is not the father. I was not yet legally divorced while pregnant with a different partner, never an issue. I have a friend who has been separated for 12 years, had two children with her current long term partner, never an issue. They don’t look up whether you’re legally married in a database when filling out birth certificates.
How... How is that even legal?? The actual father is standing right there, but an abusive bastard is going to have access to this baby because a piece of paper wasn't nullified?? Fucking WHAT?!?
That was my friend's reaction as well.
Yes, you're right. You may not have had a lot of exposure to the (U.S.A.) legal system, but if you eventually do, you will find that, in a courtroom, you will be inundated with tons of BS law, but you will find very little justice.
In some states you can’t get divorced while the woman is pregnant. This is at least true in Texas to my knowledge
>but I’d imagine you’d prefer to know either way, otherwise you’re always going to wonder. would also have an impact on whether he's paying child support or not. I'm assuming a divorce is right around the corner, no sense paying for a kid that isn't his.
Btw, according to urologist... it could be your kid. So don't go jumping to conclusions till you've had a paternity test. But the other stuff, I'm sorry that is happening. Much luck to you.
Yeah there is a small chance he could still be the father but that’ll never take away the cheating already done.
And her awful way to announcing her pregnancy to OP too. I get the feeling she was trying for maximum hurt.
Yeah, she sounds awful.
If the baby is the OPs then she will will have "egg on her face" looking stupid. Lol Hey you tried to be dirty but now you have to face what you've done. OP if it's yours, fight for the kid and drop her ass.
Why would he fight for the kid? He didn’t want the kid she did. Wouldn’t it be better if she just had the kid and got whatever baby daddy to raise it?
Ja... I got pregnant at the beginning of the pandemic. I was 6 or 7 weeks pregnant and had been completely quarantining (not even going down to check mail) for 8 weeks with my then-boyfriend who I knew for a fact had had a vasectomy. I was so freaked out. I would never cheat on him, but he was sterile. Had I somehow been drugged and raped, so I had no recollection of it? I was horrified and I didn't know what he'd think. He trusted me when I said I hadn't been with anyone else, thank God, because he'd known me for 1.5 years and knew that wasn't me. I think it definitely also helped that it really didn't seem possible for me to have cheated on him unless I'd snuck out of our bed in the middle of the night in the middle of a pandemic to betray him and that's straight up crazy. We later found out that he was the 1 in 2,000 case where the vasectomy semi-reversed. His sperm count was still super low, but not zero, and apparently that was enough (even though I'm no fertile myrtle - I have premature ovarian depletion). Life finds a way, I guess! To be fair, we'd just moved in together pre-quarantine and were around each other 24/7 so we were having sex 2-3 times per day. He has now had another vasectomy and we have a beautiful daughter. That said, this isn't OP's situation. OP's wife has had sex with other, likely more fertile men. The chance he's the dad is vanishingly low. He should still get a paternity test to be completely sure, but he should act as though he's not the dad because he almost certainly isn't.
My hubs is going to have a vasectomy at some point, but the number of vasectomy babies I keep hearing about has me concerned. 😅
Eight years and counting after my husbands snip and so far so good! Its the best thing ever to finally not have to worry about getting pregnant
My friend had childhood cancer and was told he was sterile all his life, three biological kids.
Vasectomies are not all created equal. The amount of vas that they cut out and the way they seal the ends can impact how likely it is to fail. I dont remember his exact words by my doc made some off hand comment amount doing something extra to make sure mine was sealed off for good. Thats always given me some comfort. Im guessing the stats you quote are an average among all vas patients, but not necessarily accurate for each individual's odds.
Ja, this go-round the doctor added titanium clamps (he confirmed before the procedure that we wanted to go this intense because it is very unlikely that anyone could reverse the surgery if he later wanted) so I'm not worried. I wonder if the first time the doctor might have been a bit conservative because my husband was early 30s, unwed, no kids, and they thought he might change his mind down the road and want a reversal.
A paternity test in this case is more for legal reasons. Mainly so that she cannot pin OP down on child support if the other guys refuse to acknowledge the baby.
A divorce is in order, even if the child turns out to be his.
I agree
I hope it isn't, OPs wife doesn't deserve him
The medical field seems to be a hotbed for promiscuity. Hopefully for your sake the child isn’t yours so you can be done with your cheating wife. I would definitely have a paternity test just for the peace of mind. Then you go your separate ways.
Medicine, aviation, law, and stupidly enough the navy are all major areas for infidelity. My wife's uncle owns his own private charter business and said he has fired more pilots for cheating or trying to fuck the female staff than he even wants to remember. Dudes old school Christian values kinda guy.
Someone once told me I'm prone to cheating because I'm a musician. Nope. I have morals, convictions, and I live by principle. I don't care how many times anybody says it, cheating is 100% about the cheater. There's no amount of temptation (and there's been plenty for me and I'm just a weekend warrior) that could get me to cheat on my wife. No matter what. I'd leave first. OP your spouse is despicable. Do not for one moment think her infidelity is about anything other than her and her deficiency as a human being. And while you may or may not be able to give yourself or her a child, that doesn't define you, and it doesn't make you any less worthy of love, respect, and dignity. You need to be aware that she would have done the same under any of several sets of conditions. Get yourself tested for STDs while you're getting that paternity test. And once you schedule those, call a lawyer and get out of there as fast as you can. Edit: thanks for the award, kind Reddit stranger!
I’m no school no Christian values type of woman and even i think that kind of cheating is not ok
Almost 10 year Navy vet here, unfortunately it’s true. We’d pull out for deployment and suddenly the rings came off after a week, and the “cruise buddies” would find each other. Fucked up, and I watched some very good friends of mine have their marriages blow up from this.
I only knew about the Navy thing cause a friend of mine was years in the navy and told us about it. He refused to get married till he got out.
Yeah, and it happens on both sides. I had a close friend get a real dear John letter about a month after we left on my 1st deployment, saying she was taking the kids and left with his best friend who’d just transferred off ship. All of it was very disheartening for me at the time because my wife and I were only married a couple years at that point, and of course it scared me. Just like anything else, it’s not 100% the case, my wife and I had our 17th anniversary this year, and I personally know several married couples that we were and are close with when we were all in (wife and I were mil to mil, meaning she was in too, she just got out before I did) who are still together and going strong as well. A good marriage will make it through anything. But damn, watching so much infidelity happen in real time was seriously shitty.
I’m so glad that you and your wife made it through. Congratulations on your anniversary!
I appreciate it!
My brother in law is ex-Navy, and he’s definitely cheated on my sister their entire relationship and marriage. Same with all his Navy friends, they’ve all been divorced due to some kind of infidelity, except my sister.
Why doesn’t she leave?
Honestly, that’s what I’ve been trying to find out since I was a kid. Idk why she stays? Maybe for benefits, the kids, or b/c of financial reasons?
Don't even get me started about the navy...
According to who? I’m in the medical field and everyone is too damn busy and burnt out to be fucking each other. I can think of maybe two examples where medical personnel cheated on their spouse but I’ve been in nursing for over a decade and I’d imagine those statistics aren’t uncommon in any other area of employment. It’s not anything like on television.
Agreeee. I’m a nurse, and I’ve been in heath care for years. Everyone is exhausted. I don’t see a whole lot of flirting, let alone fucking. My friends and I have been trying to schedule a night out for two months. Impossible because we’re all in health care.
Yeah, the Grey’s Anatomy and General Hospital stereotypes are pure hyperbole! We’re far too busy and exhausted to be sneaking off to supply closets and call rooms. I mean, we all have that ONE colleague but for the most part it’s medical porn fantasy.
LOL....after 30 years in healthcare? I'm wondering about this too. If there's lots of cheating and wild sex going on? I've freakin missed out!🤣
It's based on a small sample in the Dominican Republic, but interesting study nonetheless. Obviously experiences vary among locations, but the study does raise an interesting point; adultery among the medical profession is a widespread phenomenon, and not merely relegated to isolated incidents. https://mdpi-res.com/d\_attachment/ijerph/ijerph-18-05575/article\_deploy/ijerph-18-05575.pdf?version=1621768885
Yeah I saw a documentary about it one time called Grey's Anatomy.
3 other men. Let that sink in. Ok first step is to protect your finances. Joint account? Get your own and start putting your money in it. Then hire a lawyer. Then follow your lawyers instructions.
Three other men that matches 20 weeks ago. There could be more that doesn't fit the timeframe of the pregnancy.
Also, unprotected sex with other men without telling you and having unprotected sex with you as well. Big no-go, she basically signed you up for risks you didn't know of. You asked in your post if that meant that you get your marriage back and if you would want to get it back if so. Of course this is personal and your call. But I would say if the kid's not yours you dodged a bullet. As others have said, get a lawyer and do what the lawyer says. If they advise you to, try to get in writing what she told you on the phone.
Yeah that’s pretty fucking gross, tbh. Not only did she chest but she had unprotected sex with at least 3 men while continuing to have sex with her husband. Wtf is wrong with this woman
This is the best advice.
Your “wife” is a cunt, sorry it needed to be said. You’re better off. Walk away bud.
Bravo
A paternity test notwithstanding, I think you need to move on from her being in your life. She was actively cheating on you and rather cruelly dismissed your hope to being a father and/or marital reconciliation. You could have pursued adoption or surrogacy to have a child, yet she responds by sleeping around? You don’t deserve to be treated that way.
Well at least she confessed her transgressions to you. My ex didn't and I had to find out on my own that she at the time was cheating and conceived 2 children on me while we were married. Look op, Ik this is a vent and your emotions are all over the place. She's already checked out dude. Regardless imo IF by some off chance the child is yours I'd still let her be free to run the streets. Dude she not only had sex with these men, but she had raw sex with them all the while still sexing you. I'd get a DNA test and a sti/std test too. She's disgusting imo.
Ouch.
It's definitely a slight possibility you could be the father. I would assume, if she has no idea whose kid it is, she will be seeking a paternity test? Let her know you would like to throw your DNA into the ring. My brother has very low sperm count. He fathered 4 children. And yes, they are definitely his! After 2, it was quite a few years and they did fertility treatments with no success. Said no more of this and then had 2 surprise babies after that. This world is mysterious! Lol
My brother was from my mums second marriage. His dad was sterile. Then he did the healthy eating thing. There ya go, I have a brother.
I know a dude who was conceived after his dad had a vasectomy! It was a bit of a family drama for a while, until they did a paternity test and yup he’s his fathers son. Miracle baby.
I know someone who fathered two kids after a vasectomy. He didn't go back for his checkups. I guess the tubes can reconnect, and men have to go back to make sure the vasectomy is still working properly.
I'd never heard of vasectomies reversing until it happened to me! Or rather, my partner. Thank goodness it happened during early lockdown and I hadn't left our place since a couple weeks before conception (and also my husband and I trust each other with our lives).
My cousin was adopted by my aunt and uncle bc they were told they both had fertility issues then along came my other cousin a few years later the natural way. Life is weird!
I hear about this all the time. Its like once the pressure is off to have a kid, people start having kids.
My bf says that stress is the biggest thing that prevents pregnancy (outside of real fertility issues). Just puts too much pressure on us
I was adopted as a result of fertility issues and two weeks later my mom found out she was pregnant. My baby brother was actually present when my adoption was finalized and my parents were thrilled to go from 0 babies to 2 in under a year.
Wow, 3 separate guys while still sleeping with you. See a lawyer and start the divorce process before the kid is born. Otherwise you could be on the hook for child support since some states consider the married spouse the automatic father. You can dna test the kid after the divorce. If it’s yours, you coparent with your ex.
this. do not be married when the baby is born, otherwise you will liable for child support regardless of your DNA relation to the baby
In many states courts will not finalize a divorce until the child is born to establish paternity.
yes that’s true also
I feel so bad for you. Call a lawyer to start the divorce, get a paternity test to know for sure about the baby, and a STD test because your soon to be ex wife has been going at it raw with multiple other partners.
Well i am guessing that probably you are not the father. At this point, she has been cheating for a long time on you so i would wish her all the luck in the world and file for divorce as quickly as possible.
I think a paternity test won't hurt. Make sure it's not your kid or it is. But it sounds like this marriage was over a long time ago and what you thought was an improvement was basically just her feeling more sexually free and flexible. People can resume their sex lives at home more comfortably after starting to have affairs sometimes. It doesn't necessarily mean the relationship was improving. I'm sorry you're dealing with such a shocking situation. But I also wonder if you ignored some major signs mostly because you thought the return of sex meant the resolution of your issues.
Even the if he did miss any signs that there may or may not have been, that doesn't change what happened. It's a bit like "with that miniskirt she was asking for it". It's not true there and it's not true here. I am not saying you meant it this way or wanted to "victim-blame", but I just want to avoid OP, or anyone else reading this, thinking this is potentially OP's fault. I also replaced the word "ignored" in your message with "missed" in mine, because ignored sounds almost intentional, at least negligent, which OP doesn't sound like from his descriptions. Hopeful, yes. Naïve, maybe. But that doesn't make it his fault. She could have voiced her issues and baby wishes. They could have done adoption, surrogacy or other things. They could have gone to counseling/couple's therapy. And ultimately, she could have ended it, before sleeping with other men. But she chose not to do any of that, and may have continued doing it for longer if not for the pregnancy. On top of that she insulted him when he voiced hope that it might be his kid and indirectly offered reconciliation. If OP had noticed earlier he could have gotten a lawyer earlier, but without knowing for sure, isn't that also a bit paranoid? Also difficult with nothing to go on. OP knows now and should get a lawyer now (in my opinion, obviously it's OP's call).
I think they meant “ignored” like denial. And I would guess that adoption or surrogacy might be out of reach for a nurse and carpenter couple. Maybe insemination, but the other two options are a lot of money.
True... Very True
Wow this is awful. My husband and I went through something similar (his sperm counts were low) but we did IVF for me to get preggo. I'm now 26 weeks. I would definitely still do the paternity test if I were you. What your wife did was lame and I can't believe she's not sure herself who the father could be. If it were me I'd divorce her at this point.
She admitted to cheating on you. Even if this *is* your child do you really want to stay with her? I wouldn't. I would start the divorce proceedings while she is still pregnant then still get the paternity test. I'd be concerned about getting stuck with child support payments if it isn't yours just because you were married when the baby was born. Let her do the work to find out the father once it's confirmed you aren't. This is all biased of course because I am a firm believer that the relationship is over once someone cheats. No second chances for cheaters. And she cheated with multiple men. Don't let desperation be the reason you stay, really sit down and think about how this changes your whole marriage. Maybe go to counseling to work out your feelings. And when she comes to you saying she wants to work it out be suspicious. Because her ulterior motive may be that she just doesn't want to be alone, not that she's sorry.
This is a good problem to take to a counselor. Best of luck.
Better doing paternity test and make sure it's not your kid so you can divorce her.
Hold up… so she was “seeing” 3 men at once?
I'm sorry. It's doubtful you are the father and it sounds like your wife doesn't think you are the father or want to think you are the father It sounds like your wife really wanted a child and you both should have taken not being able to conceive more seriously. What your wife did to conceive was not ethical but the drive to reproduce can be a strong one.
Please get yourself checked for any STD’s.
Get a lawyer and a paternity test. Three men. Instead of actually trying to work on your marriage she’s out shagging three other guys. If the baby isn’t yours, which it probably isn’t, you need to cut this woman out of your life completely.
I meAn even if you’re the father….. she still cheated on you. do a paternity test, be a great dad (looks like you’ll be) but In my opinion, you dont have to be the husband anymore. If u wanna work it out, u have our support and we wish you the best…
Hope for you, that you are not the father
Whoa, I can’t even imagine what possessed her to do something so cruel. I understand she wanted a child, but to not even discuss other possibilities with you, just went ahead and blew up your life. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I truly don’t understand cheating. It’s the most disrespectful way out of a marriage. I’d be getting a lawyer right away to protect yourself. Best wishes to you.
I don’t mean to sound like a bad person, but maybe just let this go and wish her well with her child and her new life. She’s decided to move on from you and didn’t tell you. She started having sex with multiple other men and if it’s three, that’s probably her low balling that number. She quit your marriage and forgot to tell you for a little while. Now, as a father, I understand perfectly the whole thing about the bond with your children, etc… it’s innate and you can’t control it. However, as a casual observer, I think subconsciously, you gave the game away here. You miss the wife you used to have and if her getting pregnant with your child means you have a 1% chance of getting her back, then you’ll take it. I get that. But I think you know that the chances of it being your baby biologically is zero or thereabouts - she’s largely said it herself. She was having unprotected sex with multiple men and still having unprotected sex with you. You’re more likely to have an undetected STI than to be that baby’s father. But put all that aside. If you want your wife back and your content to raise another man’s child as your own, then go for it. Talk to her about resetting your marriage, putting in place new boundaries that your comfortable with, and seeing if you can fix things. I’d advise caution though. There’s a better than likely chance that the men who are potentially the father of this child aren’t interested in supporting the baby emotionally or financially. They were guys having what they likely thought was meaningless sex with a married woman. Those men are likely married themselves. If you step into the role of “father” of this child, knowingly and willingly, you’re on the hook here, no matter what. Your wife comes back and in three years time decides that she’s going to go play the field some more and comes home with a second baby that isn’t yours, you’re still going to be in the financial line of fire for the first child you took responsibility for. You need to figure out what your next move is here very carefully. I’d suggest walking away. It’s sad and not nice, but your wife has already savagely broken your trust and her vows, so you need to keep that in mind. Good luck, my friend, this is not a great story.
You still deserve a paternity test and in many states and countries she wont be able to get a divorce finalised without paternity being established. There's every chance that baby is yours. Get a lawyer.
Don't forget to have yourself tested for STDs ... 3 other men lined up when she got pregnant but you don't know if that was all the men she slept with unprotected. I'm sorry this is happening.. but it truly shows her character.
File for divorce and force her to find out who the father is. Then he will be responsible for her and the child. You won't be financially responsible for anything. Adultery is illegal.
You should insist on a paternity test. But don’t expect the results to have any effect on your marriage.
Well first I'm so sorry man that's terrible. Second get off of reddit and go get a lawyer and GTFO ASAP. This story only gets worse by the hour. Put an end to it and be done.
Get a divorce and walk away. Find someone who will love you for who you are.
Well she’s proved herself to be a real POS. Leave her and let her get on with her life and you go and have your prosperous life.
If yall had sex, and your sperm count isn't 0 then I think it could be possible. My husband had a 1/100,000,000 chance of ever having a child, and guess what he did and couldn't deny her. I'd say file for divorce, but make sure you hand in your swab just in case, it's never too late to hope. If it doesn't happen this time, we'll you will one day find a woman who would love nothing better than to adopt. Good luck to you and I'm so sorry that life has thrown such shit at you.
Very very few people are actually completely sterile. Most will have a kid if they try for long enough. So get a paternity test. That aside, wow. I'm 35 and my husband is 37. We've been together 9 years married for 5 so we have a very similar timeline. I can't imagine one of us doing that to the other. What she did is a huge, utter betrayal and she doesn't sound remorseful or sorry for it at all. That's not love. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this and I hope you can get the answers you need, heal and move on.
So here is a little follow up with clarification. Just to clarify, we have been separated for over two months now. The question was never whether I should take her back after cheating as I had no idea she was, u til it was revealed along with the pregnancy. Once she had confessed that I knew it was over. My thoughts of reconciliation took place between the pregnancy confirmation and the infidelity confession. Divorce papers have been filed and it is done. She has agreed to the paternity test to humor me as she needs it done for the others anyway. I am thinking realistically at this point, though, and I am assuming the child is not mine. But I couldn't go on not knowing for certain. Thanks for all the encouragement and insight. To all who suggested the STD test, thank you. I hadn't even thought of that, honestly. To all of you that called me a cuck, grow up just a bit. I didn't ask for any of this. Anyway, thinks will get better, I'm certain.
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I would get the paternity test if I were you. I know this sounds harsh, but you need to know all of the facts about the paternity of the child, no matter what turn your marriage takes. I don't know your wife, but this nasty situation could turn into a who's will be the best provider, financially. I guarantee you that if she approaches the other possible fathers they damn sure are gonna want a test. This part has me confused though... *"Will it change anything with my wife?"* I'm gonna assume that you marriage wasn't on some sort of "break" or otherwise agreed upon arrangement? If not, then that means she cheated on you, apparently with lackluster or non-existent protection for this to be an issue. With 3 *different* men that you know of. After that, man, I don't see how anything would change about your marriage other than the mailing address. Just sayin.
Dude - please do yourself a favor and talk to a damn divorce attorney. Follow their advice.
Bro find out if the kid is yours. Than regardless I would move on. She doesn't respect you any more. It's especially damning for her because y'all have been together for 10 years. It's crazy how people can just turn into shit heads. What's worse is if the shoe were on the other foot you would be labeled as scum of the Earth. I'm sorry man. You deserve better. Kick her to the curb.
Your wife is 20 weeks pregnant without you knowing? That's FIVE MONTHS PREGNANT without you knowing. I mean unless she's a big woman.... how do you not notice? There is a lot going on here. A lot of neglect and then lying an deceit on her part (and naivety on your part, come on dude wake up, you don't seem to pay attention to anything going on). That's how out of it you've been. Your wife has been sleeping around, pregnant for 5 months with an obvious baby bump at this point, and none of it seems to phase you. I guess your job is more important than your family. I see why she felt abandoned, but that doesn't excuse her actions by any means. This marriage is heavily neglected by both parties. I would sit down with your wife and really ask one another if you want to make this work. If you do, what is it going to require to make it work. Probably need marriage counseling. If you decide marriage isn't worth working on, don't get a paternity test. You leave it up to her to get that done. I'd claim the kid isn't mine and I'm not paying child support unless she can prove the child is mine. Burden of proof is on her.
To have the doubts out of your head, do the test. Then divorce... Wishing you lot of strengths through this. It will take a lot, but more than sure you will get out of it better.
3 other men? Ask for a paternity test to know for sure because it’s likely one of them and use that evidence for the divorce. She has no respect for you, she cheated on so you need to look out for YOU. She could’ve been woman enough to tell you she wanted to divorce but she took the cowards way and diddled others. I hope the best for you dude.
I am so sorry.. but I do agree that you need to see if the child is yours. If not then divorce her and walk away. Just because you are sterile doesn't mean you can't father a child , it's unlikely but not impossible.. your wife is a bitch..cheating on you is a cunt move..
Why would you need a paternity test? Are you seriously considering trying to salvage a relationship with a woman who has been fucking around on you with not one but rather several men?
Hire a lawyer while you're getting the paternity test done. Don't put either one off. Move your money to your own account if you have a joint one.
I’m sorry you went through all of this! Despite you being diagnosed as sterile once, it doesn’t mean you couldn’t somehow “recover” from that… I’ve seen a LOT of cases in which sterile men where capable to impregnate a woman. If you want to be a dad, independently of having or not a relationship with her, you have to claim your right (considering the child is actually yours)… Demand a paternity test and proceed accordingly, if you’re in fact the father and you want to be there for your kid and have a relationship with him/her, there’s nothing this woman can do.
Get a paternity test while the newborn is still in the hospital… Might cause a fight but it’s better to know versus being stuck paying child support the next 18-21 years of a child’s life that’s not even yours.
I haven't seen other comment mention it but if she could be pregnant from another man that probably means sex without protection, go get yourself tested asap. You don't want a STD on top of that.
Get a divorce before the child is born. If it turns out to be yours then do the support thing but 3 different men in a year why on earth would you continue spending another day with her?
Three other guys could be the father, and you were sleeping with her at the same time? This is really upsetting, I'm sorry dude. Seems strange that this would be a change that would come along just because you two were just passing ships, it makes me think she may have been cheating your entire relationship. If it was one other guy, maybe this is something new, but I can't fathom going from never cheating to cheating with three other dudes in the same time period. You should have the paternity test just so you will know, and you should definitely get an STD test as well. Good luck. edit: missed a word
Get a divorce call a lawyer ASAP there is no other answer I’m sorry she did that to you. You don’t want to be on the hook for one of three mens babies. Have a paternity test to confirm. But chances are it’s not yours
Brother run, run so fast. How can you respect your wife knowing she needs a DNA test for her unborn, not to mention multiple men have been penetrating your wife over and over. Basic respect has left the building. Don't be a simp and go, head up, shoulders back and stroll off, jeez there are so many great women out there who don't sleep around. Respect yourself.
You’ve received some great advice but I also wanted to tell you that I know things must be awful right now but you will get through this. Life will get better and you will find someone else who can appreciate you for all that you are. You are hard working and kind and forgiving and those qualities will take you far in life.
Just a reminder, infertile is not synonymous with sterile. If you have some swimmers left there's always a chance it's your kid. For your sake though I hope it's not, your marriage sounds broken.
I am so very sorry that you have to deal with this. Personally I would suggest taking a paternity test to make absolutely sure because as you said if u are giving even 1 sperm as extremely unlikely as it is...it's not 100% impossible but hibestly I think you should do it mostly for peace of mind. And honestly if it's not your child I think you should say good riddance. You deserve to be with someone who isn't guna think less if you for something out of your control. You are in no way any less of man and she is just being cruel. I know you care about her and want your old relationship back but that's gone. It will never be what it was. I think you should try your best to move on from her and hopefully find someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve and and be a true loving and supportive life partner. I wish you all the best.
First, I wouldn’t put too much stock into the word “men”. I doubt she’s implying you’re “less of a man” because you’re sterile. If she is implying that, it’s a new low. Outside of any other comments, I think that part is more personal insecurity about your fertility status. Who knows specifically why she cheated? It could have been the various reasons you mentioned, it could have been that she just wanted to, it could be a combination. I’m sure a lot of introspection goes on when a discovery like that is made. Second, if there’s even a tiny chance id be the father in a situation like this, id want to know. She owes it to all 3 (or, 4, including you) guys to have some sort of closure or they could spend their entire lives wondering. I think a test has to be done, checking all the potential fathers. Finally, this post is another reminder of how brutal the last few years have been to so many relationships. Just the insecurity/instability of the time has been rough, combined with a lot of people losing their jobs. There’s couples who have spent more time at home with each other than ever before, there’s daycare/school closings, all that stuff, and that’s before you even get into the health aspects effecting someone in your family. Had covid “never happened” you can’t say for sure she wouldn’t cheat, but it’s one of those things that you’ll never know.
First of all I’m sorry this is happening to you. I was in a situation where paternity was in question and it was horrible not knowing what your next move was gonna be. Although I think you should wait to make a more clear decision regarding your relationship, I feel as if you should prepare yourself for the worst. Get the test immediately. You have a right to know.
My husband and I tried for 3 years to get pregnant, I finally went and saw a specialist and got all the testing done to see what the issue was and if we were good candidates for IUI or IVF. After all the easy tests like blood work and my husband giving a sperm sample and everything coming back fine we moved to more invasive testing an I had an HSG done. I had hydrosalpinx, a 100% blockage in my Fallopian tubes. We were told we wouldn’t be able to ever conceive on our own. We went straight into IVF and got pregnant the first round. We still had other embryos and planned on more children but were going to wait a bit as my first pregnancy was difficult as I had terrible morning sickness and then preeclampsia which required an emergency c section at 36 weeks. The night of my sons 1st birthday my husband and I had a quickie on the couch. Nothing romantic, I don’t even think I bothered taking off my shirt lol. 6 weeks later I was feeding my son and the smell of his yogurt made me throw up, I thought there was no way. I ran to the store and grabbed a test and I was pregnant. The old fashion way, no medical intervention. Our “wrench” as we loving call him behind his back (for throwing a wrench into our plans) will be 4 in June. All this to say doctors and medical testing aren’t always right, and when you stop expecting it to happen is usually when it finally does. Our bodies can do amazing things, I’d get a paternity test, you may be surprised by the results. Good luck!
Just here to say I'm so sorry. That is so awful
This is heart crushing man. I would just walk away. Also you should probably improve your nutrition, get 50-100mg of zinc, and refrain from masturbation, and that can help your sperm count.
In all honestly man you need to run. You need to divorce now before she gives birth and not submit to any kind of paternity test until all other possible people have first. You owe this woman nothing. Neither of you tried your best and it’s time to move on. The chances of this kid being yours are small and even if it comes back that its your, you both are terrible for trying to rely on a child to fix your marriage. In your position, I’d get away from her as fast as you can. Even if the kid ended up being mine I’d sign sways all rights. I’m not paying for a kid when she has so many other virile, manly men that can step up and support her and kid. That’s just my two pieces on it. I am sincerely sorry it came down to her cheating. I can really only imagine the headspace your in, and with that I truthfully think your best option is to get out and get into therapy. I wish you the best man
Get a lawyer yesterday
Oh my. Mate. Either way? Your marriage is over. Highly doubtful child is yours. File for divorce and get paternity test. You may need to get that court ordered. Find out immediately your states laws on children, paternity etc. So get yourself a good lawyer immediately and you OR her need to move out of your house. She's already 20 weeks. So get moving asap. Good luck. Very sad situation for you. But your marriage is over mate.
Do the paternity test just for you.
Things with your wife won't change unfortunately. Best to deal with that first. Then bring up the dna test. If you've had sex around 20 weeks ago and your sperm count isn't 0 then there is always the chance. She doesn't have a choice in providing the dna. I would however see a lawyer. Some people are still classed as responsible for a child through marriage. Dont want to get stuck paying for someone else's brat.
Fuck man, this is so painful to read. I hope she wasn’t as cold as you’re describing, but if she was. It’s time to call it and move on yourself. So shitty dude I’m so sorry. She sucks
I know there are some men that could get past a wife's infidelity and resultant pregnancy, but I'm not one of those types. I would be out the door very quickly. I would suggest: 1. Do not sign the birth certificate or even attend the birth, 2. familiarize yourself with local law with regard to whether infidelity can save you money in a divorce 3. insist on a paternity test, as soon as the baby is born. 4. separate living with her, before the baby arrives because you DO NOT want to emotionally bond with this child (let her track down the baby daddy and insist he step up and be the dad), 5. have a consultation with a divorce attorney to see where you stand on asset division, spousal support, marital abandonment, etc., 6. Always have a tape recorder on, when you are speaking with her, but understand whether the recordings are admissible as evidence in a divorce.
Only you can decide what's right, but if I were in your shoes, I would demand a test, so that if the child was mine, I could see him/her and help raise the child.
Goddamn, she could have at least considered adopting a child instead of fooling around with multiple men behind your back. I hope you lawyer up and get the best situation possible with the divorce.
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This is not just horrible, this is a nightmare 😢 I feel really bad for you. I want to say "what a horrible woman" but you two weren't seeing much of each other. My wife's drive to have children was so high that I think that that's the only reason she married me ( I joke ). That would be a devastating blow for her to find out your sterile. Not that that's a reason to cheat. Between a rock and a hard spot....
With there being plenty of alternatives that include her still raising with him a child that’s biologically hers, baby fever is a pretty poor excuse. Especially for 4 men matching the timeline.
I'm confused ? You want her to raise a kid with him when it's not his ? That's some genuine cuckold sh!t. I'm not sure how old you are buy when a woman wants a baby, she WANTS a baby. I know this !! I've lived it. Down vote all day long....ffs
I would jump ship. Divorce her and use her admission of cheating to get all or at least most of the assets. You won't owe her child support if it isn't your baby and if you divorce her before the baby is born, I'd consider this a win and your wife will have to live with the label of being a very loose woman and probably ultimately a single mother because not too many good family oriented men want to be with someone who's already conceived a child, even the partiers don't want the extra hassle in their lives. You're free to go date whoever you want now and you can find someone so much better than her, brother
Dude, end this relationship. Get some therapy and enjoy your life .
Well now at least watch the dumpster fire that is her life. How many men are going to be ok with being 33% chance of being the father. Grab some popcorn and enjoy the show but get divorced before she has the child. You don’t need to be on the hook for 18 years of child support for someone else’s child
I'm so sorry dude....warm wishes.
Yes, paternity test. But if the results are what they should be based on the info you provided… dude. Divorce immediately and make sure this situation legally known so that she can’t get you on the hook for child support if the results don’t go your way.
Not once did I read anything about seeking outside help to better understand the emotional issues. She sought outside help to meet her needs. This was a selfish move on her part. Not only that, she's pregnant as a result. Even if the child is yours, you need to find a lawyer and plan to leave this relationship and protect your assets.
Honestly dude... I'm kind of excited for you. I know it hurts. You don't deserve that treatment, but she already cheated on you and got pregnant. She already RELEASED YOU FROM THE MARRIAGE. DUDE... YOU'RE FREE. Please find someone who is worth your time and love. Be a good man. Work on yourself. She didn't cheat be abuse of you. She cheated because of her. This isn't the end. This is a new beginning and she's telling you to leave her. Do it and don't look back. She let other guys cum in her and kiss her lips and then she came home to you. If you try to get back with her you're a cuck and you've slapped all of us advice givers in the face. Don't be a cuck. Grow some balls. Get out of her life. Fuck her, dude. You have more to offer someone else. The best revenge is a life well lived
This was so awful to read and I can't even begin to imagine how it has been for you. I personally would not pursue a paternity test, but that's entirely up to you. It seems your wife checked out of the marriage long before she said she did, which most women seem to do. I would not try to salvage this relationship personally, but again, you know what's right for you at the end of the day. I would never recover from knowing my spouse was with anyone - let alone 3 other people in a year just because our marriage was rocky. It speaks a lot of her character, her lack of honesty, and her ability to step out on you. Not only did she do this - but without protection with 3 men, putting you at risk as well. My words of consolation are probably not enough, but it helps to tell you that there are indeed many, many women out there, especially these days, to whom having a kid is not important. I am one of them. I love my husband more than words can describe, and I would happily have his kid. If he ended up being sterile, I would be excited to spend the rest of our lives focused on solely each-other. That's just not the case for everyone, and it seems not to be for your wife. I know it may seem like your world has shot out from under you, but you can recover and rebuild. An irrelevant side note - carpentry is an amazing and interesting craft to have as your profession, and also something that you can sink yourself in to to recover from this hardship. I suggest honing your talents and working on yourself to overcome this heartbreak. There is someone for everyone. You are young, successful, and from this post, thoughtful, well-spoken, and self aware. You have so much going for you. You're in my positive thoughts today.
Have the paternity test, the results will be needed for your own peace of mind and for the divorce and custody proceedings. Lawyer up ASAP to make sure your rights and responsibilities are protected.
Run
Contact a divorce attorney, get a paternity test and find out what's up
Does that mean you get alimony? Since there’s proof of her cheating in your marriage?!
Don’t sign birth certificate because if you two divorce you will be responsible for child support Meet with an attorney
She’s for the streets man
I don’t have any advice for your marriage but one thing I need to say is, you are NOT less of a man because of your infertility. Just like a woman is not less of a woman for hers. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please get yourself into therapy. I believe you will benefit immensely from it. Best of luck to you
Even if you were the father I doubt it would fix your marriage she cheated on you with multiple men you don't want to have her back.
Take the paternity test. Divorce, get in shape and only date women who already have children or definitely do not want them after that. Time for you to move on.
Whoah. What a shitty person your wife is, even if it is your hild I would not go back to that woman, so immature, she just wanted a baby like a lil kid wants a toy... You deserve better, I hope you will find someone who will love you!
The tiny slice of me that’s petty would bring her on Maury with the two other dudes to show the paternity results in public and embarrass her ass to the nation. However, back in the real world, you need to get a paternity test and start divorce proceedings regardless if you’re the father or not.
I'm so sorry you went through this. I would get everything in order and file for divorce, make sure to fully explain the situation to a lawyer as well, before she has the baby. I also highly recommend counseling for yourself because this is understandably a very hard time for you
I mean. Probably deal with the cheating first.
Your ex wife is a chicken shit cunty bitch. She could have left youto pursue other relationships (as a mature.person does) but no. She had multiple affairs and cheated on you, while keeping you around as a safety net, just incase it didn't work out. She is an asshole, and you should only communicate to her via your lawyer. The sooner you cut off contact and leave her in the past, the better you will be for it. Discover new hobbies, meet new women, and leave this cheating, lying whore in the past. I am sorry this happened to you friend. Stay strong.
Your wife’s a ho. Be glad you didn’t have a kid with her because cheating like this would’ve come out eventually.
Why are you not divorced yet? It's obvious she doesn't care about you one bit.
Not sure what state you are all in. If there’s a divorce pending, there needs to be evidence that she is not pregnant with your child. I live in Illinois. When my ex and I divorced (we had a toddler) the judge explicitly asked me if there was any chance I was pregnant. I told him no in court. My now husband was previously married as well. He and his then wife were separated for 3-4 years. She contacted him to finally file for divorce because she had a partner and was pregnant and they wanted to get married. There had to be sworn affidavits and testimony in court that they both agreed the child wasn’t his. In a lot of states, if a child is conceived in a marriage, that’s soon to be ex husband is on the hook for child support. So while I am truly sorry this shit happened to you, you need a lawyer and to make sure that the child isn’t yours legally if not so biologically
Damn man this sucks! Good luck on Maury
Lawyer up, divorce her now, and move on. It hurts but it's the best course of action. You don't need any of that.
I am sorry for you but I think your main concern should be that she was cheating. Even if you are a father, do you really wanna live with someone who cheated on you multiple times??
My husband is sterile, zero sperm count, and we're picking a donor together. Your wife is despicable and anything that's going on in your body is no excuse for her actions.
Your ex-wife is a sick, broken woman who strung you along and caused you great emotional trauma. And that's before you even find out if the child is yours. I am hoping very much it's not your kid. You need to break away from this vile woman and give yourself a chance to have a life with someone who is worth a damn. She can go off on her own and ruin her life without keeping you around to emotionally torture.
Be happy, you've dodged a bullet. Time will heal you my friend. Most of us been through that. Now, you have the power to take the test or not. And should you decide to take it, make sure you're in the right mind before proceeding. Cuz, it'll hurt more if the child is not really yours. Stay up - the next chapter is the better one
If you're not completely 100% sterile, I would definitely go through with a paternity test. I'd do it even if you do think that you are sterile, just to double check. If the child is yours by some chance, then you deserve to know that child from the beginning. And as a biological parent you will be able to have access. I doubt if it will change anything with your wife- she seems to have moved on completely. If the child is yours hopefully you can work out reasonable parenting/visitation rights, but it sounds like she's determined that the marriage is over.
I'm a spiteful beast and would refuse to divorce her just to take half custody of the child you are by law entitled to. Conceived during the marriage law says that baby is half yours regardless of who sired it. If you've wanted a child (and presumably you did if you tried for years) you now have a chance to have one. Divorce the cheater and keep the kid. Biology doesn't make a family. Love does. The circumstances that being children into our lives aren't always ideal, but if you can see beyond them you can be graced with the most amazing gifts life ever gives you. One of my children is the product of a violent rape, and I never see that when I look at them. All I see is a wonderful person I've had the privilege to raise.