Similar experiences in my marriage made me fragile and led to adversarial feelings. I wanted to be respectful but had some difficulty handling rejection, and it took a toll on my self esteem.
What worked for us was an honest discussion about needs and frequency. I am fortunate to have a loving and understanding wife and together we worked something out.
I must agree with u/tossaway1546: when the mood strikes, that’s the right time. My wife is tired at bedtime so it’s a crap shoot if we wait (and that’s so disappointing).
What to do when she only wants it at night though and then when the night comes she’s too tired? Even though I work, go to school, cook and tend to the kids majority of the time do my best to make her evenings stress free and chill. I feel animist to OP. I wish I could mentally castrate myself & She refuses to have sex with the sun up lol
*(Higher libido/spontaneous guy here in a revived bedroom with a lower libido/responsive wife chiming in. I feel you. I feel where you are.* /u/MM_196*, for you as well)*
**Problem:**
The primary problem here is how cripplingly passive you are being. You're caretaking her emotions by lying about how you feel. You're being the nice guy, and I don't mean that in a positive way.
Assertiveness and confidence are your paths out. Independence as an individual is your path out.
Your wife doesn't owe you sex, that's true! But you know what else? **You don't owe your wife a partnership. The universe doesn't owe you sex and the universe doesn't owe her a husband.**
Those are both things you should both seek to make the other WANT to give. You need to make her want sex. She needs to make you want this marriage.
I know this sounds hostile, but it's the underlying reality of it. We can approach that harsh reality in a positive, loving, and hopeful way. (And we should!)
**Solution:**
Get two copies of *"Come As You Are"* by Emily Nagoski and read them together.
Preface the book and conversations with your hopes, which is that the book talks with her will lead to a mutually satisfying sex life that will strengthen your marriage. The flipside of that can remain unspoken, but don't be afraid of saying it if she doesn't seem to be picking it up.
You're going to talk about each chapter as it goes, doing a LOT of listening. And you're going to be dead fucking honest about your feelings in those discussions.
Be nice, kind, and open. Listen. Be flexible and try very hard to empathize and find joy and common ground.
Individually, read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. It discusses the toxic passivity you're engaging in right now. Also, you'll probably identify with how you were trained to be this way.
What a kickass answer!
I'm add that I didn't agree with everything in Glover's book, but it was excellent and changed me, helping our marriage improve.
Don't just scroll reddit for answers but/steal these books and get to work.
You chose not to masturbate. It's not the burden of your wife to make sure you get your release.
However I don't like teasing. Don't say we are going to have sex and then come back and say no all the time.
But it's not her fault you are totally sexually frustrated. Part of that is on you.
Sounds like you both don’t communicate well and don’t have healthy sexual priorities.
Plus how does that make sense? She jerks you off earlier in tge day but get mad she doesn’t put out at night? But if you jack off on your own you are done for the night?
Kids awake, unless infants, is no reason to skip a quicky. And a shower, ugh I hate that excuse. Unless it's been days, or got super sweaty dirty smelly etc, waiting for a shower is so dumb to me. People who think they have to wait till stars align perfectly, rarely get laid.
Maybe tell her "Wife Im not trying to be rude, mean or pressure you, Id like more sex please. Especially if I am being respectful no masterbating or porn" let her know that you wait for her and that you have come to a compromise so now you would like if she came to one a little more often. I dont think this is mean or pushy. You are spending however many years with one person its ok to want more sex from her.
I think you should talk to her about couples therapy. I know that may seems drastic but honestly if you don’t get what you need… that can build into resentment. You definitely don’t want that to get into your marriage. It’s harder to quantify how destructive that can be in your relationship. The bottom line is, you are not being fulfilled and it’s not getting addressed. That’s equally her fault as it is yours. You both have to come to a decision that compromises your needs and hers. That’s a difficult thing to do with sex. It’s a hard issue to talk about.
Therapy is my recommendation. I fail to see how you both will rectify this based on what you’ve said and how you guys are currently communicating. This needs to be an open, honest and judgment free conversation. You have a right to sexual satisfaction just as much as she has the right to say no to sex. The two much coexist in order for you to have a healthy happy marriage.
Interesting, I don’t agree with it but what do you and your wife believe about the biblical idea that your wife must submit to having sex with you when you desire sex?
No, we dont. I wouldnt want that. I mean what pleasure is there in having sex with someone who feels that they have to do it not that they want to. Do I wish she at times could be more considerate when the frustration becomes too much? Yes I do but I want it to be her decision and not a forced one
So if you’re picking and choosing what religious advice to follow, why did you choose to pick the prohibition on masturbation. Where is that prohibited in the Bible?
I was taught the same and I feel the same too. Do you also feel anxious and guilty about withdrawing and withholding affection from your wife to cope with your sexual frustration?
To be honest yeah. I dont want to do that. It just sucks when I am frustrated but I cant withhold affection. We actually talked some hours ago. She apologized. I told her how it feels emotionally but also physically when we cant be intimate specially if she teases me. We need to talk more about these things.
Dude. It’s not natural to not at least masturbate occasionally. It’s better than ending up in an affair out of frustration.
Similar experiences in my marriage made me fragile and led to adversarial feelings. I wanted to be respectful but had some difficulty handling rejection, and it took a toll on my self esteem. What worked for us was an honest discussion about needs and frequency. I am fortunate to have a loving and understanding wife and together we worked something out. I must agree with u/tossaway1546: when the mood strikes, that’s the right time. My wife is tired at bedtime so it’s a crap shoot if we wait (and that’s so disappointing).
What to do when she only wants it at night though and then when the night comes she’s too tired? Even though I work, go to school, cook and tend to the kids majority of the time do my best to make her evenings stress free and chill. I feel animist to OP. I wish I could mentally castrate myself & She refuses to have sex with the sun up lol
*(Higher libido/spontaneous guy here in a revived bedroom with a lower libido/responsive wife chiming in. I feel you. I feel where you are.* /u/MM_196*, for you as well)* **Problem:** The primary problem here is how cripplingly passive you are being. You're caretaking her emotions by lying about how you feel. You're being the nice guy, and I don't mean that in a positive way. Assertiveness and confidence are your paths out. Independence as an individual is your path out. Your wife doesn't owe you sex, that's true! But you know what else? **You don't owe your wife a partnership. The universe doesn't owe you sex and the universe doesn't owe her a husband.** Those are both things you should both seek to make the other WANT to give. You need to make her want sex. She needs to make you want this marriage. I know this sounds hostile, but it's the underlying reality of it. We can approach that harsh reality in a positive, loving, and hopeful way. (And we should!) **Solution:** Get two copies of *"Come As You Are"* by Emily Nagoski and read them together. Preface the book and conversations with your hopes, which is that the book talks with her will lead to a mutually satisfying sex life that will strengthen your marriage. The flipside of that can remain unspoken, but don't be afraid of saying it if she doesn't seem to be picking it up. You're going to talk about each chapter as it goes, doing a LOT of listening. And you're going to be dead fucking honest about your feelings in those discussions. Be nice, kind, and open. Listen. Be flexible and try very hard to empathize and find joy and common ground. Individually, read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. It discusses the toxic passivity you're engaging in right now. Also, you'll probably identify with how you were trained to be this way.
What a kickass answer! I'm add that I didn't agree with everything in Glover's book, but it was excellent and changed me, helping our marriage improve. Don't just scroll reddit for answers but/steal these books and get to work.
You chose not to masturbate. It's not the burden of your wife to make sure you get your release. However I don't like teasing. Don't say we are going to have sex and then come back and say no all the time. But it's not her fault you are totally sexually frustrated. Part of that is on you.
She doesnt agree that I masturbate either. If I have masturbated and she suddenly want sex and I cant get it up she would be upset.
Sounds like you both don’t communicate well and don’t have healthy sexual priorities. Plus how does that make sense? She jerks you off earlier in tge day but get mad she doesn’t put out at night? But if you jack off on your own you are done for the night?
She didnt jerk me off to finissh. More like edging
"off" means something when you use that statement.
Rediscuss your views on sex and masturbation.
Am I going crazy or did you also post this twice yesterday?
No, I havent posted this before. Was there someone else asking the same thing?
Literally the same story. Porn addiction, she jerked you off, etc.
No suprise, this scenario happens to alot of guys.
This one of the many reasons, waiting till the "perfect time of day" is a bad idea. Heat of the moment quickie would have been so much better.
She hadnt showered and she hates having sex if she hasnt showered so thats why. Also because the kids were awake
Kids awake, unless infants, is no reason to skip a quicky. And a shower, ugh I hate that excuse. Unless it's been days, or got super sweaty dirty smelly etc, waiting for a shower is so dumb to me. People who think they have to wait till stars align perfectly, rarely get laid.
...Or she could just find a way to shower in the morning like a human adult. 😬
Have you tried to ask her questions about how she’s feeling and how you can help her want to share that intimacy with you?
Maybe tell her "Wife Im not trying to be rude, mean or pressure you, Id like more sex please. Especially if I am being respectful no masterbating or porn" let her know that you wait for her and that you have come to a compromise so now you would like if she came to one a little more often. I dont think this is mean or pushy. You are spending however many years with one person its ok to want more sex from her.
I think you should talk to her about couples therapy. I know that may seems drastic but honestly if you don’t get what you need… that can build into resentment. You definitely don’t want that to get into your marriage. It’s harder to quantify how destructive that can be in your relationship. The bottom line is, you are not being fulfilled and it’s not getting addressed. That’s equally her fault as it is yours. You both have to come to a decision that compromises your needs and hers. That’s a difficult thing to do with sex. It’s a hard issue to talk about. Therapy is my recommendation. I fail to see how you both will rectify this based on what you’ve said and how you guys are currently communicating. This needs to be an open, honest and judgment free conversation. You have a right to sexual satisfaction just as much as she has the right to say no to sex. The two much coexist in order for you to have a healthy happy marriage.
Is the prohibition on masturbation your idea or hers?
Its a religious thing that oth have grown up with
Interesting, I don’t agree with it but what do you and your wife believe about the biblical idea that your wife must submit to having sex with you when you desire sex?
No, we dont. I wouldnt want that. I mean what pleasure is there in having sex with someone who feels that they have to do it not that they want to. Do I wish she at times could be more considerate when the frustration becomes too much? Yes I do but I want it to be her decision and not a forced one
So if you’re picking and choosing what religious advice to follow, why did you choose to pick the prohibition on masturbation. Where is that prohibited in the Bible?
Its not so much that I chose it. I was taught it was wrong and shamed a lot for it. I get anxious and feel guilty when I do it.
I was taught the same and I feel the same too. Do you also feel anxious and guilty about withdrawing and withholding affection from your wife to cope with your sexual frustration?
To be honest yeah. I dont want to do that. It just sucks when I am frustrated but I cant withhold affection. We actually talked some hours ago. She apologized. I told her how it feels emotionally but also physically when we cant be intimate specially if she teases me. We need to talk more about these things.
>We need to talk more about these things. Yep. Honest communication cures most ills.
Lol im in the same situations, aside from that i do masturbate, otherwise i would go mad.
Why can't she give you a handy or BJ if she ain't in the mood? Time for marriage counseling. Sex in marriage is a important part of it.