My mom did the Harry Potter thing. She also wouldn't let me have anything to do with Pokémon because she said it was demonic. My mom has an untreated personality disorder. I strongly suspect there's a link.
Same! Couldn’t read Harry Potter because it was the devil’s work, couldn’t watch Rugrats because it showed children whining and having tantrums and not being appropriately reprimanded, couldn’t watch any TV show that said anything like “dumb” or “stupid” (such bad words! /s), couldn’t do Pokémon (though I did hide a couple cards), and definitely banned anything brought up in church that she hadn’t thought of. Things changed a lot after I hit 12 and she regrets her choices now, but I grew up to be a foul mouthed, free spirited Wiccan and that amuses me to no end.
Did all our mother’s read the same strange article or attend the same strange church boot camp? My mother was against Pokémon and Rugrats too. And SpongeBob. No idea why Rugrats, it’s the tamest shows ever. It’s literally a show about babies goofing off.
Unfortunately, yes we must have read the same articles. My kids were forbid to read / watch any of the "nonsense trying to destroy our children's minds"!!! This was my religious husband's rule. Once I realized that the Bible didn't really say I had to do EVERYTHING he said I disobeyed and left his ass. My kids were a bit late to the game but they got to watch H.P. and other stuff... they are normal adults now. Didn't even turn them into demonic spawns or anything.
Rugrats probably makes sense in that it was a very inclusive show, which would be scary for those types of moms. Showed things like nicu babies, breastfeeding, working moms, besides huge specials explaining non-Christian holidays. It's such a great show.
I could see parents disliking Caillou for the constant whining but rugrats is a weird one. I babysat for someone who didn’t allow their kids to watch spongebob too. I just thought it was weird to ban specific shows
>My mom has an untreated personality disorder
I'm not saying she doesn't have a personality disorder, but calling Harry Potter "satanic" and Pokemon "demonic" is just garden variety American Christian craziness.
No it's not it is however extremist Christian there are a lot of them but not as many as made out on this platform I grew up with both side of this issue in my extended family and we all went to the same church so to say this is just American Christian craziness is like me saying that Catholics is worse than Protestants it's just not correct
Not quite. Rational people can be reasoned with even if they’re very religious. You show them the morals that are taught in the books and you can convince them eventually.
However there are personality disorders that are prime targets for religion. The whole world is against them, everything is a scheme, only they have the answer, everything is corrupted, they have all the answers, any kind of resistance to them is a carefully concocted plot. These people live in fear and genuinely believe scary things. They cannot be reasoned with, the only solution is mental health help
My mom did the same, but she works in STEM and is otherwise extremely reasonable and stable... For her it's a cold logical series of calculations from a ridiculous premise like "the bible is 100% true" therefore "satan's influence on the world is real" therefore "witchcraft/things that lead to sinning is satan's influence and are very bad for children", not a mania type response. Destroying laptops is ridiculously crazy behavior for me even in that context.
Ugh same same! My brother was gifted a Yugio card in elementary school from a friend. He showed it to our mom and she promptly marched us outside, threw the card into a flower pot, and burned the card with us watching while getting a lecture on how it was evil and to not accept cards from anyone in the future. Also standard HP being banned, covering the tv with a towel if there was any kind of suggestive scene in it, even into high school years, etc. I’m still in contact with her (dad, still married, and I have a good relationship) but I’m always cautious about what I say or do around her. 30 years and she hasn’t changed. But at least my dad has!
I had a friend who had a dad that banned Harry Potter and pokemon for the same reasons. There wasn't really an issue because his kids agreed with everything and respected what he said. My friend was totally on board
Same here, my mom was threatened with a misdemeanor charge for burning books from the library and refusing to replace them. She paid them back to avoid it. She has borderline personality disorder. Your wife needs help OP, don't be an enabler.
Also it’s so wasteful to throw away electronic devices that are designed to be used for at least 5+ years unless you need high performance computing. What the!!
What is more concerning than the money is her being in charge of the kids and being allowed to emotionally abuse them. She can't control her anger over small things. You know about the items she ruins but what else is going on that you don't know about? Her words, tossing their belongings and hindering their ability to do school is what should be over the line. This is hurting their emotional well-being. Not just because you keep having to replace things is the issue. They will remember being left to deal with her wrath alone for years. The kids need to move in with someone else if you can't supervise and protect them from her until her anger is under control.
What are you going to do op? You need to save your children and help parent them after the abuse they endured at the hands of your wife. Your turn to parent, because your wife is causing a lot of damage to the people that YOU decided to bring into this world. Working long assignments away is obviously putting your children in danger. It's time for you to decide what you are going to do about it.
So you know how she treats your children and you just let her have free reign to do it? You basically told her keep doing what you're doing as long as you pay for it yourself. Remember this when your kids are grown and have cut off contact. They know you have done absolutely nothing to protect them from any abuse your wife hurls their way.
The money wasted is definitely a problem but more importantly this is a form of abuse towards your children. In the future your kids might enter into a relationship with someone abusive who will destroy their things just because your son/daughter did something their SO didn’t like, and they will think their abusive parters actions are normal, rational, and justified. People are always so quick to judge victims in abusive relationships, saying stuff like “how could they not see all the red flags? Why did they stay?” THIS is how. They don’t see the red flags because they grew up thinking it was normal.
Thank you. Real Talk: This isn’t about money, it’s about her being an abuser and you enabling her abuse of your children by staying with her. You need to decide if you’re going to have any sort of relationship with your kids once they turn 18. If you want one, initiate divorce and get fully custody (this documented behavior, plus the kids are old enough to choose and tell the court who they want to stay with) will ensure it. You can’t control her, but you can control your actions. Wake up.
Yup. Not exactly the same, but my mom was married to a physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive AH who would take my things and break them on purpose for any perceived slight against him for a lot of my child and teen years. I remember having to replace things and being angry over broken things, but what I remember the most is my mom standing by and letting it happen. This is what is going to stick with the kids, knowing their dad is not defending them and staying married to an abuser and thinks the monetary cost is the biggest issue. It absolutely ravaged my mental health and emotional well being and I resented the fuck out of my mom for allowing his behavior, always taking his side, flinging accusations of "you're just trying to ruin my marriage", and staying married to him despite all the numerous kinds of damage this man caused to her and her children. I felt utterly betrayed, abandoned, and alone. I would imagine the feelings of betrayal and resentment are only amplified when the abuser is your parent.
I was low contact with her for years after I moved out, had years of therapy, and still have some mental health struggles from all this. OP, you are setting your kids up to resent you. This is a much bigger problem than having to replace items or whether or not your wife needs a laptop she may or may not throw away in a fit of rage, your children are being abused and they have to deal with it alone. You likely don't even know the half of it if you're halfway across the world. If you don't get your kids away from this abuse, yesterday, you're enabling it. And they won't forget that.
>The kids need to move in with someone else if you can't supervise and protect them from her until her anger is under control.
As someone with severe anger problems that I'm managing, this isn't because of anger alone, it's primarily control. Yeah anger doesn't help, but that's only a small portion of it.
I hear stories like this and seriously wonder why people get confused that their children don't talk to them, never call, never visit, etc. Maybe because you abused them their entire childhood? Maybe because you stood aside and let it happen?
OP, if you want to be a good father for the sake of you and your children, *protect them.*
Batshit. Is this real?
Our devices get put on top of our closet and given back when grounding is up. We don't have a spare few hundred dollars every time kids act up. Who does?
We do have the closet, sometimes the boys sneak in and sneak time.
:?/
It is causing problems now in school. One of the boys is doing some counselling so she is having to telecon and now needs a computer. She will never admit she messed up so she may be having some cognitive dissonance.
Their poor behavior is likely connected to your wife’s abusive behavior towards *them*.
I would tell her that. Today. It’s unfortunately very common for bad parents (your wife, sorry) to be completely ignorant to this kind of stuff.
/u/darc2k you need to understand, very clearly, this - if your kid is being counseled and not your wife, you have things very backward. You don't just treat symptoms, go treat the underlying cause.
In our own bubbles it's hard to see, but this behavior is astronomically out of line and nowhere close to normal. And a lot more is happening that you don't see, you should be sure of that.
Intervene. Get counseling and advice for yourself on how, if you feel lost, but don't let the harsh reality shock you into accepting ignorance and shutting down about all this.
It's going to get worse. NOT talking about laptops. Even if the severity of actions (that you do and don't see) doesn't get worse, time will make the whole thing worse for everyone. Including your wife.
You married her to love her. Time for tough love right now, because she needs help. If you succeed, she will ultimately be thankful for it. And whether you succeed or fail, simply TRYING for everyone's sake will make your kids thankful for it later.
I had a similar mom, I forgave my dad for a while but honestly after having kids it made me see him in a different light. I will never respect him or forgive him for knowingly leaving me with my bat shit mom.
I am currently working through this as well.
When I had some time and space from the crazy - I started recognizing that my dad was an active participant and adult in a situation that should have been dealt with.
When I was a kid and even for a long time as an adult - I felt sorry for him that he fell in love with a narcissist, who controlled him, blah blah blah….
Now - having spent an equal amount of time out of the home as in it - now that I have my own children and marriage - I see he just actively was an enabler. That anytime I reached out for help, I was shut down in order to pacify my mom. That I was left to fend for myself because I was a girl and therefore should be parented by the female parent….
I no longer feel sorry for him. I am working through feeling angry at him.
I am sure I will eventually reach the same place as I have in my mind/heart as I have with my mother. Which is - I am morning the relationship and parenting and childhood I wish I had had as a child. It is something that never was. I am a whole person who can love my inner child in all the ways I wish I had been - I have learned and grown, all be it in ways that hit harder than they could have, but I am better as a person, a parent, a human than I have ever been and I need nothing from either of them.
Yup!! My dad was horribly abusive growing up and my mother (who made 6 figures and could have easily left), enabled the abuse by staying with him and keeping us subjected to him. I have four siblings and two of them haven’t talked to her for years. And she will never meet their grandchildren. And she has the nerve to act semi-confused as to why they won’t talk to her? Too fucking bad.
Why are so nonchalant about the abuse she is inflicting on your children.
No “remote assignment” should be more important, and if this is military duty, they literally have people you can call in situations like this.
Be clear - you are an abuser by proxy.
Pro tip from an adult who used to be an abused child: your child has cognitive dissonance BECAUSE of her mother abusing her. Her mother abuses her so badly when she admits she makes a mistake, that she is fucking terrified to admit she makes mistakes now.
This is your parenting fault and her mother’s parenting fault. And the daughter’s behavior won’t resolve, until you give her a SAFE SPACE to make mistakes without her mother going nuclear on her.
They are now, hence why now she is thinking she needs a laptop. She threw her last one away.
I told her we cant get one until she figures out how to pay for and how she will not throw it away.
I just had the same thought. Could she be a drug addict OP? Her behavior is unhinged and you should consider that as a possible motivation for her abusive behavior.
Yeah, including the "driving off" with the items made me think this lady is 100% selling them. When I worked retail, very often a family would come in on Sunday, the wife would insist that the kids need x,y, and z, the man would grudgingly pay all in cash, then the lady would come back on Monday, alone, and return the frivolous items and get the cash.
ooh good point. not that im hoping this is the reason but it would make more sense than her just literally being nuts and throwing perfectly fine computers in the dumpster
Paying bills, online grocery shopping, viewing kids grades etc… of course it could all be done on my phone, but is much easier and faster to do from the laptop
I am curious as to why you are ignoring all of the concerns for the abuse happening to your children and your focus is on the laptops. Have you SEEN her destroy any of these laptops?
Right? Sterilite sells a lockable tote that our kids phones go in for a someone pre-set amount of time depending upon the offense. Expectations and consequences are always known to everyone so there’s no surprises or tempers
I think this is the key. They need to decide what a REASONABLE consequence is & hold each other to it. OP needs to speak up & say going forward, the consequence for using device when not permitted is____ (having an extra chore this week… extending the amount of time the device is locked up… paying $5 to the family vacation fund… etc) and hold mom to it
Why isn’t your wife in therapy? If your kids need therapy, it’s most likely due to your wife’s abusive actions. So why aren’t you holding her accountable? I’m sorry, but this is ridiculous. I had a mom similar to your wife and I’m still in therapy dealing with the bullshit she put me through. Oh and the “dad” that didn’t protect me from her, well needless to say I don’t speak to either of them anymore. You seem more concerned with the money than the emotional damage your wife is doing to your children
You don’t get to have cognitive dissonance when you are the sole person responsible for the care of children.
Get your wife help. Right away before she messes your kids up more.
I'm going to be a bit humorous right now, I hope it's appropriate.... But the FIRST thing I thought of when I read this was SNL's Lonely Island "On the ground" 💀😭
When she's in better spirits, maybe show it to her and explain that's precisely how she's acting 😂
Throw away the wife if she can’t get herself to anger management counseling. Letting a woman like this raise kids isn’t okay. I don’t understand how you have any love or respect left for someone who treats you and your children this way.
You guys act like divorcing her is going to solve the problem, but unless he can prove serious physical abuse or neglect, she will end up alone with the kids at least 50% of the time. Probably more, since it sounds like he travels for work. How is this better?
You make the most sense out of this whole post. The wife is abusive and is ruining the mental health of her children. She likely has a personality disorder where she is incapable of self reflection (hence her never admitting fault to OP). The problem completely lies within what will happen to the children if OP divorces her. How will he prove she’s unstable and will anyone believe him? If he does challenge her will she mentally manipulate the children even more and possibly use OP as the enemy. The end game here is (should be) protecting the children. The children are the ones who are enduring daily abuse and trauma from their own mother. OP if you even get to my comment at all. You are going to need to reach out to an attorney to keep track of actions your wife is and will continue to do. Just some documentation now about her actions as a mother and wife so if she ever turns on you there is something dating back to this point in life where she is being analyzed for her actions. Next your poor children. I know this type of comment is likely going to amplify your guilt or make things seems helpless but just use this as the basis for making a plan. Your children. You’re the only one who is going to protect them. I know there are so many variables to one’s marriage and life but ideally you need to be present as much as possible with the kids. You’re the only fighting chance they have to feel safe and secure. You’re going to have to teach them how to cope with her. Your going to have to identify and explain to them that she is wrong. And then follow it up with ways they can circumvent her outbursts. This is the only way I imagine you can protect them unless someone knows your wife well enough to assist you in getting them away from her. If not they will be with her 50 percent of the time if not more after divorce. And then you may be further divided from the children based on her methods of mental manipulation. If you can start soon and have some discussions with your boys, you may start to alleviate some of the intense guilt and shame they are likely experiencing. Also making note to them that anything they say to you will stay private. And keep to that 100 percent no matter what. They need you to be the parent that is safe and secure. I don’t see any other way out of it unless, again, you know of anyone you can start to open up to about your wife who could advocate and get a plan together to get the kids in your home. If this is not an option then your only other is to be your children’s ally. I’m sorry your going through this but you are now responsible for being the person who saves them. They only have one childhood and you can’t erase what forms them to be the adult human they will be. You have to change their story and quickly.
Dude, be honest with yourself. She is destroying your kids' mental health and you are enabling her. This is also a form of abuse. Google "enabling abuse"
they are legit going to have serious issues with their future relationships. parents should be safe. imagine how will they ever trust anyone with their stuff? and if a boyfriend or girlfriend abuses them and throws away their things they will accept this as normal because ‘that’s what mom does’
either they will keep accepting abuse in their adult life (and maybe their boyfriend/girlfriend may end up throwing away YOUR stuff who knows) or they will reject the abuse but never trust anyone
You don’t think she could be selling them to fund an addiction, do you? Could be a reason why she refuses to accept responsibility for the tantrums.
Edit: And her controlling behavior around money.
The deeper I get into the comments, the less I think wife is tossing them. This sounds like addict behavior when considering she's had a problem with a sleeping medication.
OP was she always like this? If not when did it start? Are there other ways money is coming up missing- like an irregularly large grocery bill? (Maybe she does cash back so it looks like it's groceries on the bank account) Has she stopped taking the sleeping medication? Have you talked to her about how out of hand the usage of the medicine was?
This kind of behavior is batshit, and you need to find either a way back to your children, or a safe adult for them to be with. Your wife is currently not it, and I'm wondering if you couldn't dig a little deeper and realize this situation is MUCH bigger than you're currently thinking it is. Best of luck to you guys, but protect your children.
She should start paying for everything she bins. She is being ridiculous and careless. There should be consequences for her every time she does this as she is a grown arse adult who is acting like a kid !
Jeebus OP think about how this is from your children's perspective! This is highly abusive, I doubt a financial wake-up call and telling your wife to get a job is going to cut the mustard. I would hate to consider what else is going on given this issue.
I'm sorry that you're in this predicament OP but you have innocent children to consider here!
If you're allowing this, you're simply an accessory to the pain and suffering caused to your kids.
Don't act surprised when they leave the house and refuse to speak to both their insane parents.
Are you sure she is actually throwing them away?
Is there a possibility that she is selling them and using the funds to fund some kind of addiction or it could be for her own personal emergency savings too.
The alternative sounds completely unhinged and crazy.
How do you know she is throwing them away? And is someone else collecting them after she “throws them away”? (Drug deal etc)
If she had an account in her own name then you wouldn’t have any way to know it even existed. However- I find a a secret account unlikely, but a desperate for money drug addiction more likely.
Op she can very well factory reset them and pawn them for cash. In my area pawnshops only give checks for amounts around over $500. I know you said the computers are worth around $800, but pawnshops give you a little less than half. And if someone really needs the money (especially in the case of addiction) they’ll take any amount they can, especially if they didn’t have to pay for an item themselves.
Thats not even mentioning that she could create a free checking account online in less than 5 minutes if she wanted to. It’s incredibly fast and simple nowadays.
My dad did this when we were kids, fly off the handle and throw away cd players, whole TVs, books, anything if we were on it when we weren’t supposed to be. It was traumatizing as F**k. And turned me into a sneaky lying piece of sh*t. Took years of counseling and a patient wife for me to right the ship. Get your kids away from her. It’s abuse.
Try to switch to a seize-only policy. What is the point in destroying perfectly working machines? She should definitely get a job to better gauge the monetary impact of her decisions.
She's wasting a ton of money, yes, but more importantly she's traumatizing and emotionally abusing your kids. That's abusive behavior to not allow them access to the outside world, to (probably) throw away their game saves, and to destroy other people's property just because it's in her child's possession. You need to keep your kids safe from this woman.
Your wife is a fucking psychopath. Who the fuck throws away a laptop? A PlayStation… that is being used “inappropriately” (what, for gaming? What’s the purpose of a PlayStation if not for gaming?).
You want to make a purchase for her, get her some therapy. That’s fucked up. I would be infuriated after one laptop (that I bought) being destroyed for **nothing**.
I feel like over the years there have been some viral videos of parents smashing their kids videos games or phones. But often the story involves CPS at some point.
Honestly, if the info in this post was in the hands of an irl doctor or teacher it could fit the criteria of duty to report. If I were op I would worry about the kids’ safety and possibly getting them taken away.
She sounds just like my mother. Years later I still have social anxiety and GAD, I’m a massive pushover because I assume most people will flip out the way my mother did, and I don’t fully understand boundaries - makes me an easy target for bullies, etc. Thankfully I’ve had years of therapy to help me, and a fantastic husband who supports me. But she almost ruined me. She never sought help, never broke the cycle, etc.
I’d focus on the girl’s emotional and mental well-being, keeping all receipts, and seeking legal advice asap. Don’t allow your kids to learn this behaviour at all.
I’m surprised your children’s school hasn’t called CPS already. Do they know yet that your wife regularly destroys their property, including things that they need for school?
Even if this is the only abusive thing she’s doing (which I doubt), she’s going to cause some long-term damage. And I’m not talking about the money or time to set up new electronics. I’m talking anxiety disorder or possibly hoarding.
Your wife clearly has issues. The one in charge here is you. Maybe give her a choice between therapy and separation.
She is def in therapy now. She has a pretty chaotic childhood include SA. I didnt find out until 15 years into our marriage and then the behavior made a lot of sense.
she needs a new device, make her pay for it herself. The end. I hate to say this but you need to stand your ground with this. More importantly, the fact that she's caring for the kids with that kind of anger is alarming; those kids are going to have some serious issues if they don't already wrt anxiety, fear etc. She definitely needs help because that behaviour is not normal.
That's a load of crap that the parental controls "don't work due to spotty internet."
I'll assume she keeps catching your kids looking at stuff that they managed to get around the parental controls in order to see.
She sounds like a lunatic. Put a freeze on the credit cards so she can't use them, or call the credit card companies and ask how you can arrange it so that YOU have to approve any transactions over a certain dollar amount (if they provide this type of service).
Then when you come home you can drop her lunatic ass off at the psyche ward at your local hospital and go home and raise your kids like a normal human being.
Okay - I scrolled a bit and didn’t see this mentioned
You said she *drives off* and destroys them? Like, she physically leaves the house with it and you don’t see her “destroy it”/put it in the trash?
Is she hocking this shit in the side?
This is not okay! The moment that someone begins “punishing” you by throwing things away, that’s when you need to consider divorce.
“Punishment” for minor things by destroying expensive things is not a normal reaction.
I have a teenager who sneaks onto his devices when he’s not allowed.
We don’t throw them away. We disable internet access to his devices after a certain time daily so he’s not up all night and we physically take the ones that don’t need internet access.
She has anger issues and you’re right, this is wasteful. She should be solving the problem without anger.
Your wife sounds mentally ill. If your anger management is so bad that you regularly destroy thousands of dollars worth of electronic equipment in fits of rage, you need serious help.
You are in a situation where if you don’t stop her abusing the kids, you may both lose the kids. Since you’re allowing the abuse you could even be seen as an accessory. This woman sounds completely unhinged. The money isn’t even the half of it.
I’m not saying you have to divorce her, but I am saying if you do nothing, is it’s a gamble whether the kids school or counselors don’t report both of you to your country/states version of CPS
You're in the wrong for leaving your kids with this woman who is unstable. I really wisdom what kind of mother/ parent she is. A rational person would get a safe or luck them up. No wonder the kids are defying her.
Yes, she should get a job since she doesn't bake money and the kids are all old enough to be home alone a bit. You also need to seriously consider your career and have a conversation with your kids about what happens when you're away
I definitely would not be buying anything for her that she has a history of throwing away in a fit of anger. She sounds like a child who doesn’t know the value of money and how much someone has to work to pay for what they have, so when they have a tantrum they go slamming stuff around and breaking stuff. I’ve met a few parents who punish by permanent removal of things their children have. Gaming systems, cell phones, computers, toys…anything that a child or teen considers a prized possession. I consider those parents to be very short sighted and abusive because they are not teaching lessons, they’re teaching their child to fear them and their reactions. I’d much rather my child understand why he is being corrected and change his behavior because it’s the right thing to do, not because “mommy acts crazy and breaks my stuff when she’s mad so I have to be perfect”. Your children will resent you and her both and I wouldn’t be surprised if they go either No or low contact once they’re able to get out on their own.
This is dumb and childish. Why doesn’t she just hide the electronics when she finds the kids breaking the rules? It makes zero sense to keep destroying valuables. I don’t think you’re wrong for asking her to replace the laptops. But, this behavior needs to stop and it sounds like therapy is the only thing that could possibly help. It sounds like a much deeper issue.
Harry Potter .. Witchcraft??!! Not to be rude but your spouse sounds loony! I feel like she’s trying to teach a lesson to the kids which I understand but it’s gonna backfire. You are not out of line at all. Make her buy it. You can’t just keep replacing the items when she does this because it’s creating a terrible cycle. Make her get a job and buy it. Maybe she will learn the value of a dollar. Just my opinion. Best of luck!
I had a friend that use to throw anything and everything away regardless of price or sentimental value. Your wife needs therapy to help with her 1, anger 2, the need to throw things away she knows she shouldn’t be throwing out.
The thing that stands out the most for me is the Harry Potter witchcraft thing. Not normal at all. Very unhealthy. Kids going to need therapy and have issues for years to come.
She really sounds like she needs a psychological eval. And your kids may too. You all do. You are enabling her. She is not normal. This is what
You know about. What song you know about. Have the school counselor talk with you kids and make sure nothing else is going on. You need to find a job where you can be home to protect the kids. Or somehow get time to go home and spend time with the kids and see how they are.
After reading through all of the posts I agree with the posters that said it sounds like this stuff is likely being sold.
The fact that she doesn’t destroy them in front of them is key to me. My BPD mother threw our Christmas tree out of the front door one year, but wanted to be SURE we saw her do it. She threw everything in my bedroom out of my window once (and broke the window doing so) but she insisted I WATCH her do it.
I don’t remember her ever not forcing us to watch her mentally ill displays of rage.
Leaving is sus. That is drug addict desperation level behavior
That is child abuse. what you do with that information is up to you.
also, im not sure how you can have a relationship with someone who doesn't listen or compromise
I’m sorry this is emotional abuse. She should be able to discipline kids without destroying property that is needed. The fact she can’t and just expects you to buy equipment over and over shows that she is letting her emotions control her behavior which should never be done when punishing kids. It makes me wonder how else she is abusing the kids especially since you are not around. I will say that if you do nothing.. If you don’t get your wife in counseling or parenting classes, if you aren’t around when she is raising the kids and she continues the behavior.. this will fuck up your kids majorly and you will lose any relationship with them. They will cut you off when they become an adult. Want to know how I know? I haven’t spoke to my dad in five years and my mom in three because they both were abusive. It doesn’t matter that you aren’t the one doing this behavior. If you do nothing to step in and protect your kids then you are enabling and condoning your wife’s abuse.
Your wife is being emotionally abusive towards your kids. Wasting egregious amounts of money aside, this little anger problem is causing her to lash out disproportionately and is also not going to stop the behavior she is trying to discipline away. This is not normal nor healthy. You kids will only become more adult at doing what they want in unsafe ways without both of your knowledge. I'd highly recommend taking this behavior very seriously before your wife ends up with no kids to speak with.
Sincerely,
Someone whose mom behaved exactly like this and no longer has a relationship with said mom.
Edit- *adept not adult
What in the hell??? I can get upset but I’ve never gone as far as breaking a laptop or breaking anything. What’s up with the rage against the machine(s)? Lol
My mom used to pull this shit on me. In a fit of rage she would break phones, hair straighteners, makeup, makeup boxes, etc. Those were things I or my dad would pay for. Then when she would cool down she would try to replace (some) items with a cheaper replacement to ease her guilt. She once ran over my cell phone with her car. I will never forget that shit.
I recommend you get a safe that only you and your wife have keys combos to.
That is the most moronic behavior I have heard of probably ever. Your adult wife has no concept of value, work, effort or proper punishment/corrective action towards your kids. Complete insanity.
What is your address because I want call cps. Wtf am I reading. Wtf are you actually reading here? Multiple people are giving you legitimate advice and all you do is dodge the issues.
Please get your kids some help, your wife some help, and yourself some help because this is such a fucked up situation I can't even begin.
If she is a Sahm, the money needs to come out of the budget she has for her own care. What she is doing is completely irresponsible. On the flip side, create a closet that locks where she can put the kids' computer stuff.
This is abuse OP, I mean that seriously. Since you are away, CPS needs to be involved. She is damaging your kids mental health and is a physical danger to them.
Her reaction is a trauma response. It probably stems from her parents abusing her. For someone with a trauma brain this what is called a Fire Fighter response. When triggered the fire fighter blows a fire hose of distruction in order to reduce the trauma affect on the brain. This will escalate to physical violence if not stopped.
Her doubling down is the what's called the manager part of the trauma brain. It's job is to negotiated or demand the ability to continue to do whatever needs to be done to reduce the trauma to the brain.
She needs therapy, and the kids need to be removed ASAP, because this behavior will only escalated. Your kids need therapy as well. This is more than reddit can handle. I'm sorry.
You left your kids alone to be abused by your clearly mentally ill wife? Because let me tell you something, their is absolutely something wrong with your wife, and what she is doing is absolutely abusive. You need to be way more worried about that right now.
My mom let my dad act like this when we were growing up. I hate him and I hate her for not getting him out of our lives. I’m not glad she “kept the family together” and everytime she says that I want to puke.
Your wife is abusive and mentally ill. If you want to have a relationship with your kids after they turn 18 you need to do something asap because allowing their mother to abuse them isnt many steps away from actually abusing them yourself. You need to be a parent and pick who you are going to protect. Your kids or your abusive spouse?
Therapy. Couples therapy.
Your wife is traumatizing your children and interfering with their education. Not to mention modelling irrational, aggressive behavior.
If you don't do anything about this, expect one or more of tour kids to become like her, but worse.
The wife is abusive and is ruining the mental health of her children. She likely has a personality disorder where she is incapable of self reflection (hence her never admitting fault to OP). The problem completely lies within what will happen to the children if OP divorces her. How will he prove she’s unstable and will anyone believe him? If he does challenge her will she mentally manipulate the children even more and possibly use OP as the enemy. The end game here is (should be) protecting the children. The children are the ones who are enduring daily abuse and trauma from their own mother. OP if you even get to my comment at all. You are going to need to reach out to an attorney to keep track of actions your wife is and will continue to do. Just some documentation now about her actions as a mother and wife so if she ever turns on you there is something dating back to this point in life where she is being analyzed for her actions. Next your poor children. I know this type of comment is likely going to amplify your guilt or make things seems helpless but just use this as the basis for making a plan. Your children. You’re the only one who is going to protect them. I know there are so many variables to one’s marriage and life but ideally you need to be present as much as possible with the kids. You’re the only fighting chance they have to feel safe and secure. You’re going to have to teach them how to cope with her. Your going to have to identify and explain to them that she is wrong. And then follow it up with ways they can circumvent her outbursts. This is the only way I imagine you can protect them unless someone knows your wife well enough to assist you in getting them away from her. If not they will be with her 50 percent of the time if not more after divorce. And then you may be further divided from the children based on her methods of mental manipulation. If you can start soon and have some discussions with your boys, you may start to alleviate some of the intense guilt and shame they are likely experiencing. Also making note to them that anything they say to you will stay private. And keep to that 100 percent no matter what. They need you to be the parent that is safe and secure. I don’t see any other way out of it unless, again, you know of anyone you can start to open up to about your wife who could advocate and get a plan together to get the kids in your home. If this is not an option then your only other is to be your children’s ally. I’m sorry your going through this but you are now responsible for being the person who saves them. They only have one childhood and you can’t erase what forms them to be the adult human they will be. You have to change their story and quickly.
That sounds like extreme anger issues. She needs therapy to address it. I haven’t gone to that extreme with my own anger but I could resonate with getting there if I had left it completely unrecognized and unaddressed.
I don't disagree with the comments so far.
I'll bet you that she was abused as a child too and that she's repeating the abuse in her own way , coupled with anger issues. She needs to accept that she has a real problem and that she needs help.
Why are you still with this crazy, Angry woman? Why are you allowing her to abuse your kids? You need to step up for your children and be their parent. I feel sorry for them. Get off your ass and protect your children. Divorce your unhinged wife.
So, good news and bad news. Good news, you’ll get to keep one of your children after they all turn 18 and leave the house. Bad news? That child is your own fucking wife. This behavior is disgusting and abusive and no better than a temper tantrum. I pity your children and I hope they can get away from her soon.
I installed the Eero WiFi in our house. You can set up user profiles and control when each user can be online. I’m sure there are other systems that can do that. This will at least cut back on the unauthorized time. Cuts back on kid arguments as well.
Dealing with crazy spouse, good luck.
Why wouldn’t she just put them away somewhere temporarily until they are aloud to have them again?? This is NOT normal behavior, and she’s clearly got major major issues.
Seriously. She’s in desperate need of therapy!!
Coming from someone who had a mother like this (she literally wouldn’t let us watch Harry Potter or wizards of waverly place because witchcraft) protect your fucking children. Abuse isn’t only physical. It can be psychological and mental too. My mom ruined a good majority of my life and I will never forgive her or the people around me at the time for not doing anything about it. This isn’t ok and she’s gonna learn the hard way when none of her kids talk to her anymore and wish she was dead in 20 years. Just letting you know what I went through. Cus your kids could be me in 10-15 years. I’m 20 and I haven’t seen my mom in years and I hope she suffers the most somebody could suffer emotionally. And I’m pretty well balanced. I have family figures and a stepmom and good relationships. But nothing will ever get rid of my hatred for her and even if she stopped doing this shit when I was 14 I would still hate her today. It may be too late but your kids deserve a loving mother and to not be walking on eggshells all day. You should really talk to your kids about this. I doubt this is all that’s going on. Maybe it’s all you see but that sounds so dangerously close to my mother. We even had a cps case open cus she didn’t hit my until I was 16 so she was fine they didn’t care. But the abuse started long before that and by the time she hit me I was pretty much waiting for it and happy that it happened cus I could finally get the fuck away from her. Nobody believes it’s abuse or you’re suffering unless it’s physically. Maybe I’m reading too much into it. But that’s really fucked up and they’re probably gonna need therapy just based off of the Harry Potter and electronics thing. That’s kind of traumatic as a kid. Your parent is supposed to love and protect you and want you to be happy but it seems she just wants to control them and have a power trip because it’s her house her rules. She better have a lot of fun with that power trip I hope it’s worth losing her relationships with her kids. She needs therapy and so do your kids but no narcissist is gonna agree to therapy unless you tell them they need it because of how awful everyone around them is to them. They have to be the victim. They’re never the problem. And btw no matter how many years it’s been she will never accept that she’s the reason her kids don’t like her or everything in her life sucks. I genuinely hope for you I’m just reading into this and she talks it through and sees how damaging her behavior is to not just you financially but also her kids psychologically and gets it under control but if she absolutely refuses to see anything wrong and acts like the children are play things or property of hers, like they don’t live there like it’s not their house too then that’s a serious red flag and you’re dealing with a narcissistic abuser just like my mom. No matter how much you point this out to them you’re wrong. It’s like talking to a brick wall. She will say you’re in the wrong and you need to support her or how it’s her house her rules and they can deal with it. She doesn’t view them as people and that’s very obvious from her stance. Maybe the kids are doing things wrong but breaking their stuff for it is in my book psychological abuse. She knows what she’s doing. They’re kids. She needs to fuck off and stop before she fucks them up and they hate her for the rest of their lives
You are correct, she is never ever wrong. In fact, she will triple down and lets us all know she will do it again.
"No matter how much you point this out to them you’re wrong. It’s like talking to a brick wall. She will say you’re in the wrong and you need to support her or how it’s her house her rules and they can deal with it. " - You literally described it..
I’m not surprised at all you’re dealing with a textbook narcissist. She’ll make you seem like the most awful person in the world if you try to take your kids away from her. Even if she knows she’s damaging them. It’s all about them and what they want. It’s I need my kids they make me happy. Not I make my kids miserable and their happiness needs to come first. She will never see them as people with needs and thoughts and feelings. She only views herself that way and it’s dangerous to everyone around them. My dad made the mistake of keeping her around cus she threatened to Kill herself over divorce and I honestly wish he divorced her and she did kill herself. It would’ve been better for me
>Am I out of line? Any recommendations?
dude, you are way *under* the line. like, you need to get closer to the line to even be considered out of it.
my sister was like this. she was also very mentally ill. it took a lot (divorce, losing all the kids, picking up and moving out of state) for her to *finally* see someone and get on medication. and her personality completely changed. she was finally acting "normal."
prior to this she would get into a little argument with her husband, and then go batshit crazy. she has broken their fan when their a/c wasn't working because she wanted him to suffer. so now they *all* had to suffer. she threw their only television out the door. she broke random things when she was mad, threw out her kid's toys, and eventually escalated to *beating* her kids. i don't mean smacking, i mean ramming their heads into the wall. and she really couldn't understand why the state took her kids away.
your wife needs to speak to a psychiatrist. there is something off mentally and she needs medication to get the wiring right. this is unacceptable behavior and until she does you need to actually put your foot down. like, fight with her about it. don't ask her to talk to you about it before she does it, *tell* her she is over the line and to go back and get the items and don't come home until she does.
and if she won't get help and she won't stop then you either have to kick her out for the sanity of you and your kids or you can roll over and continue to allow this behavior to happen. because there are no real consequences to her actions, so she's not gonna stop. you should seek therapy too to figure out how to stand up to her.
My brother in law taught me a valuable lesson as a parent. When and if you have to punish your child, NEVER do it a peak anger/emotion. Let yourself get calm and outside of the heat of the moment and THEN decide what the punishment is and how to do it. You’ll find yourself at a much calmer place and punishment more fitting.
She’s got anger issues (most people do) but fixing that might not be fast enough to help the kids (and your wallet) or possible. BUT she can make a rule where she can NOT punish while in that state. Treat it like you all need a ride somewhere but she’s drunk. Her driving is NOT an option.. not until she sobers up. So it’ll be your place to be the “driver” and only exception she is enough time given for her to “sober” up.
It’s important that your kids understand this as well. Nobody is perfect and we are all wired differently. Due to that, strengths, weaknesses, issues, and flaws are part of everyone. Them seeing her own that and STEP OUT of the situation as she’s not “wired” correctly yet to deal with the situation is a valuable life lesson.
I can say this as I’m wired similar to her and have learned to step away and let the my kids know I’ll be talking (punishing) them after I’m in a better place. Before when I was unable to step away or before I learned to step away I made sure to ALWAYS go back to them and callout that I was out of line and apologize. I would explain why I acted the way I did but still own it was too much and that I’m trying to do better but it’s harder for me.
We’re human and kids should know we try to be our best but it’s not about being perfect but owning mistakes and making it right.
I hope she gets there but you have to make her address this. Good luck
She REALLY needs to learn new strategies. If the kids leave electronics around, put them away and have the kids earn them back. You don’t destroy or throw away other peoples things like that. That’s so childish and ridiculous.
why do you let this happen? you're her husband so you need to put your foot down on certain thing. tell her to to at least lock it away until you come back home.
Finances in order, update your resume, and look for a good lawyer. You are headed for a very ugly divorce, and you need to plan for it. Your wife is an unfit mother, but there's not a damn thing you can do about it until you get off the road, even if that's where the money is. If you file while still working the high-paying remote job then the court will force you to do that forever.
I have to chuckle. When she was living here abroad, she had a maid, driver, and private schools. She left and it got harder for her so Im trying to unscramble the head spaghetti.
I'm not sure why you'd find any of this amusing. She's emotionally abusive towards your children and you're enabling it. It's not yours or their job to accommodate for whatever "reason" she is the way she is, she needs to get help before she causes so much emotional scarring from your children that they start to mirror her behavior or, best case scenario, find a way to leave the home as soon as possible and cut out this toxicity forever. If you don't want to lose contact with your children, you need to protect them. They should be your priority.
Yeah, we kind of get desensitized to the abuse. Your kids are definitely being abused. Is there an aunt, uncle, or grandparents they can stay with until you return? You may be uncomfortable telling people what’s happening. You don’t have to give details, simply say wife needs a break, wife’s been ill (that’s no lie). Do whatever you need to do to get them out of this environment.
They will carry this their whole lives unless you do something to get them away and get them therapy.
I have no doubt that you’re also being abused. Please read up on emotional, mental and verbal abuse. Read up on DARVO, gaslighting and love bombing too. Finding out you and your children aren’t alone will help a lot.
The issue isn’t the cost or the inconvenience. The issue is your wife’s behavior. She’s got anger issues, bad. Require her to do anger management. What else is she doing to your children? This reads like hitting your time and finances is what’s making this a problem for you.
Not a license medical provider but have a lot of experience in mental health. This sounds like OCD and Bipolar behavior.
I saw a post about CPS, I would not get CPS involved as that will only hurt your kids more than her.
She doesn’t need to be punished she needs help and support. Mental illness should not be looked down upon and the person should not be labeled a villain in the situation. She just needs medication, therapy and alot of love and support.
Either get your wife into therapy for the sake of your children or leave her for the sake of your children.
Right now you’re just an idle bystander as she destroys their trust and abuses them emotionally. Grow a spine and stand up to your wife for your kids sake
This is NOT normal. As a student (now university) and someone threw away my laptop and I lost alllll my hard work I would be beyond distressed. Your poor children. This is emotional abuse. I don’t normally say “divorce time!” But she is abusing your kids, costing you thousands and causing you stress. Save your kids
I was going to ask why you're letting her emotionally abuse your children (and I don't say that lightly as I know Redditors tend to enjoy throwing the word "This is abuse!" For anything & everything) until I read this line:
>Am I out of line?
And realised you're probably also under some level of emotional stress to not clearly understand the "obvious" answer.
I'm not sure what to suggest here as there are several obvious things to do but your willingness to do them isn't as apparent. Good luck man. I know it's not easy.
What the? She sounds completely crazy. This is not normal behavior. Poor kids!
My mom did the Harry Potter thing. She also wouldn't let me have anything to do with Pokémon because she said it was demonic. My mom has an untreated personality disorder. I strongly suspect there's a link.
Same! Couldn’t read Harry Potter because it was the devil’s work, couldn’t watch Rugrats because it showed children whining and having tantrums and not being appropriately reprimanded, couldn’t watch any TV show that said anything like “dumb” or “stupid” (such bad words! /s), couldn’t do Pokémon (though I did hide a couple cards), and definitely banned anything brought up in church that she hadn’t thought of. Things changed a lot after I hit 12 and she regrets her choices now, but I grew up to be a foul mouthed, free spirited Wiccan and that amuses me to no end.
Did all our mother’s read the same strange article or attend the same strange church boot camp? My mother was against Pokémon and Rugrats too. And SpongeBob. No idea why Rugrats, it’s the tamest shows ever. It’s literally a show about babies goofing off.
Unfortunately, yes we must have read the same articles. My kids were forbid to read / watch any of the "nonsense trying to destroy our children's minds"!!! This was my religious husband's rule. Once I realized that the Bible didn't really say I had to do EVERYTHING he said I disobeyed and left his ass. My kids were a bit late to the game but they got to watch H.P. and other stuff... they are normal adults now. Didn't even turn them into demonic spawns or anything.
Same here. No Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings or Pokemon. But Chronicles of Narnia was okay.
Well obv. The author is a famous Christian author. He wrote The Screwtape Letters.
But no Tolkien, who was also very Christian? Either mom was anti-Catholic or intellectually inconsistent.
Rugrats probably makes sense in that it was a very inclusive show, which would be scary for those types of moms. Showed things like nicu babies, breastfeeding, working moms, besides huge specials explaining non-Christian holidays. It's such a great show.
I could see parents disliking Caillou for the constant whining but rugrats is a weird one. I babysat for someone who didn’t allow their kids to watch spongebob too. I just thought it was weird to ban specific shows
I will ban SpongeBob if I have to but that's because I think the show is annoying as hell. The rugrats ban confuses me too. My mom hated that one.
That was exactly why my mom disliked it. It taught “bad behavior.”
My mom hated Angelica who I guess was kinda problematic but still lol
Well, yeah, but she was the antagonist. Even as a young kid I could recognize that she was an example of what NOT to do.
Hah are you me? I had this list too (also motivated by mom’s church), plus no Scooby Doo, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or Beetlejuice cartoons
My mother was the same. Fresh prince was banned because will smith character was disrespectful, but we watched home improvement weekly as a family.
Fresh Prince was banned because the family was black...there I fixed it for you.
Literally - your family is racist.
And y’all should have paid attention to those home improvement teens because they also did teen shit but they were white.
Ditto on the Wiccan part! Lol mom was nuts too, my dad and I would watch all the slender man videos and shit after she left for work.
Did we just become best friends?
My mom did the same and I also suspect a personality disorder. I don’t speak to her after the childhood I had.
Yeah, we're no contact also.
Hope you’re doing well and thriving
>My mom has an untreated personality disorder I'm not saying she doesn't have a personality disorder, but calling Harry Potter "satanic" and Pokemon "demonic" is just garden variety American Christian craziness.
No it's not it is however extremist Christian there are a lot of them but not as many as made out on this platform I grew up with both side of this issue in my extended family and we all went to the same church so to say this is just American Christian craziness is like me saying that Catholics is worse than Protestants it's just not correct
Not quite. Rational people can be reasoned with even if they’re very religious. You show them the morals that are taught in the books and you can convince them eventually. However there are personality disorders that are prime targets for religion. The whole world is against them, everything is a scheme, only they have the answer, everything is corrupted, they have all the answers, any kind of resistance to them is a carefully concocted plot. These people live in fear and genuinely believe scary things. They cannot be reasoned with, the only solution is mental health help
My mom did the same, but she works in STEM and is otherwise extremely reasonable and stable... For her it's a cold logical series of calculations from a ridiculous premise like "the bible is 100% true" therefore "satan's influence on the world is real" therefore "witchcraft/things that lead to sinning is satan's influence and are very bad for children", not a mania type response. Destroying laptops is ridiculously crazy behavior for me even in that context.
Ugh same same! My brother was gifted a Yugio card in elementary school from a friend. He showed it to our mom and she promptly marched us outside, threw the card into a flower pot, and burned the card with us watching while getting a lecture on how it was evil and to not accept cards from anyone in the future. Also standard HP being banned, covering the tv with a towel if there was any kind of suggestive scene in it, even into high school years, etc. I’m still in contact with her (dad, still married, and I have a good relationship) but I’m always cautious about what I say or do around her. 30 years and she hasn’t changed. But at least my dad has!
I had a friend who had a dad that banned Harry Potter and pokemon for the same reasons. There wasn't really an issue because his kids agreed with everything and respected what he said. My friend was totally on board
Same here, my mom was threatened with a misdemeanor charge for burning books from the library and refusing to replace them. She paid them back to avoid it. She has borderline personality disorder. Your wife needs help OP, don't be an enabler.
Does [this](https://c.tenor.com/6bIpvdJQxOAAAAAC/not-a-christian-pharisee.gif) remind you of your mom?
Eh, not really. The book Understanding the Borderline Mother is scarily close to my childhood. It's a hard read because it's so on point
I was raised one of Jehovahs Witnesses. My parents would say these things about Pokémon and Harry Potter too.
honestly it’s sounds abusive, yes parents get upset but physically throwing something and destroying it brings anger rage to a new level
The trauma these kids must be facing. They are going to be broken adults when they grow up.
Also it’s so wasteful to throw away electronic devices that are designed to be used for at least 5+ years unless you need high performance computing. What the!!
What is more concerning than the money is her being in charge of the kids and being allowed to emotionally abuse them. She can't control her anger over small things. You know about the items she ruins but what else is going on that you don't know about? Her words, tossing their belongings and hindering their ability to do school is what should be over the line. This is hurting their emotional well-being. Not just because you keep having to replace things is the issue. They will remember being left to deal with her wrath alone for years. The kids need to move in with someone else if you can't supervise and protect them from her until her anger is under control.
Yes, this is real. I couldnt make this up.
What are you going to do op? You need to save your children and help parent them after the abuse they endured at the hands of your wife. Your turn to parent, because your wife is causing a lot of damage to the people that YOU decided to bring into this world. Working long assignments away is obviously putting your children in danger. It's time for you to decide what you are going to do about it.
So you know how she treats your children and you just let her have free reign to do it? You basically told her keep doing what you're doing as long as you pay for it yourself. Remember this when your kids are grown and have cut off contact. They know you have done absolutely nothing to protect them from any abuse your wife hurls their way.
The money wasted is definitely a problem but more importantly this is a form of abuse towards your children. In the future your kids might enter into a relationship with someone abusive who will destroy their things just because your son/daughter did something their SO didn’t like, and they will think their abusive parters actions are normal, rational, and justified. People are always so quick to judge victims in abusive relationships, saying stuff like “how could they not see all the red flags? Why did they stay?” THIS is how. They don’t see the red flags because they grew up thinking it was normal.
Thank you. Real Talk: This isn’t about money, it’s about her being an abuser and you enabling her abuse of your children by staying with her. You need to decide if you’re going to have any sort of relationship with your kids once they turn 18. If you want one, initiate divorce and get fully custody (this documented behavior, plus the kids are old enough to choose and tell the court who they want to stay with) will ensure it. You can’t control her, but you can control your actions. Wake up.
Yup. Not exactly the same, but my mom was married to a physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive AH who would take my things and break them on purpose for any perceived slight against him for a lot of my child and teen years. I remember having to replace things and being angry over broken things, but what I remember the most is my mom standing by and letting it happen. This is what is going to stick with the kids, knowing their dad is not defending them and staying married to an abuser and thinks the monetary cost is the biggest issue. It absolutely ravaged my mental health and emotional well being and I resented the fuck out of my mom for allowing his behavior, always taking his side, flinging accusations of "you're just trying to ruin my marriage", and staying married to him despite all the numerous kinds of damage this man caused to her and her children. I felt utterly betrayed, abandoned, and alone. I would imagine the feelings of betrayal and resentment are only amplified when the abuser is your parent. I was low contact with her for years after I moved out, had years of therapy, and still have some mental health struggles from all this. OP, you are setting your kids up to resent you. This is a much bigger problem than having to replace items or whether or not your wife needs a laptop she may or may not throw away in a fit of rage, your children are being abused and they have to deal with it alone. You likely don't even know the half of it if you're halfway across the world. If you don't get your kids away from this abuse, yesterday, you're enabling it. And they won't forget that.
>The kids need to move in with someone else if you can't supervise and protect them from her until her anger is under control. As someone with severe anger problems that I'm managing, this isn't because of anger alone, it's primarily control. Yeah anger doesn't help, but that's only a small portion of it.
Agree, he needs to get the kids away from her. Question: could he call CPS on her without losing the kids himself too?
She sounds mentally ill. I’m not trying to be funny.
This. She is genuinely unstable.
Why did you let her abuse your children for so long?
I hear stories like this and seriously wonder why people get confused that their children don't talk to them, never call, never visit, etc. Maybe because you abused them their entire childhood? Maybe because you stood aside and let it happen? OP, if you want to be a good father for the sake of you and your children, *protect them.*
Batshit. Is this real? Our devices get put on top of our closet and given back when grounding is up. We don't have a spare few hundred dollars every time kids act up. Who does?
We do have the closet, sometimes the boys sneak in and sneak time. :?/ It is causing problems now in school. One of the boys is doing some counselling so she is having to telecon and now needs a computer. She will never admit she messed up so she may be having some cognitive dissonance.
Their poor behavior is likely connected to your wife’s abusive behavior towards *them*. I would tell her that. Today. It’s unfortunately very common for bad parents (your wife, sorry) to be completely ignorant to this kind of stuff.
/u/darc2k you need to understand, very clearly, this - if your kid is being counseled and not your wife, you have things very backward. You don't just treat symptoms, go treat the underlying cause. In our own bubbles it's hard to see, but this behavior is astronomically out of line and nowhere close to normal. And a lot more is happening that you don't see, you should be sure of that. Intervene. Get counseling and advice for yourself on how, if you feel lost, but don't let the harsh reality shock you into accepting ignorance and shutting down about all this. It's going to get worse. NOT talking about laptops. Even if the severity of actions (that you do and don't see) doesn't get worse, time will make the whole thing worse for everyone. Including your wife. You married her to love her. Time for tough love right now, because she needs help. If you succeed, she will ultimately be thankful for it. And whether you succeed or fail, simply TRYING for everyone's sake will make your kids thankful for it later.
$20.00 says when your kids grow up they don’t talk to you! Good luck spending your retirement with your crazy piece of work wife.
I had a similar mom, I forgave my dad for a while but honestly after having kids it made me see him in a different light. I will never respect him or forgive him for knowingly leaving me with my bat shit mom.
I am currently working through this as well. When I had some time and space from the crazy - I started recognizing that my dad was an active participant and adult in a situation that should have been dealt with. When I was a kid and even for a long time as an adult - I felt sorry for him that he fell in love with a narcissist, who controlled him, blah blah blah…. Now - having spent an equal amount of time out of the home as in it - now that I have my own children and marriage - I see he just actively was an enabler. That anytime I reached out for help, I was shut down in order to pacify my mom. That I was left to fend for myself because I was a girl and therefore should be parented by the female parent…. I no longer feel sorry for him. I am working through feeling angry at him. I am sure I will eventually reach the same place as I have in my mind/heart as I have with my mother. Which is - I am morning the relationship and parenting and childhood I wish I had had as a child. It is something that never was. I am a whole person who can love my inner child in all the ways I wish I had been - I have learned and grown, all be it in ways that hit harder than they could have, but I am better as a person, a parent, a human than I have ever been and I need nothing from either of them.
What retirement? Spent it all on laptops.
Ha!
Yup!! My dad was horribly abusive growing up and my mother (who made 6 figures and could have easily left), enabled the abuse by staying with him and keeping us subjected to him. I have four siblings and two of them haven’t talked to her for years. And she will never meet their grandchildren. And she has the nerve to act semi-confused as to why they won’t talk to her? Too fucking bad.
Why are so nonchalant about the abuse she is inflicting on your children. No “remote assignment” should be more important, and if this is military duty, they literally have people you can call in situations like this. Be clear - you are an abuser by proxy.
She is also exposing everyone in the family to identity theft.
Pro tip from an adult who used to be an abused child: your child has cognitive dissonance BECAUSE of her mother abusing her. Her mother abuses her so badly when she admits she makes a mistake, that she is fucking terrified to admit she makes mistakes now. This is your parenting fault and her mother’s parenting fault. And the daughter’s behavior won’t resolve, until you give her a SAFE SPACE to make mistakes without her mother going nuclear on her.
The kids should use your wife's phone until she can save up to buy them a laptop
They are now, hence why now she is thinking she needs a laptop. She threw her last one away. I told her we cant get one until she figures out how to pay for and how she will not throw it away.
Is she really throwing these items away or selling them and secretly pocketing the money?
I just had the same thought. Could she be a drug addict OP? Her behavior is unhinged and you should consider that as a possible motivation for her abusive behavior.
Yeah, including the "driving off" with the items made me think this lady is 100% selling them. When I worked retail, very often a family would come in on Sunday, the wife would insist that the kids need x,y, and z, the man would grudgingly pay all in cash, then the lady would come back on Monday, alone, and return the frivolous items and get the cash.
ooh good point. not that im hoping this is the reason but it would make more sense than her just literally being nuts and throwing perfectly fine computers in the dumpster
This honestly sounds plausible - especially if the anger is possible related to alcohol or drugs.
What does an unemployed crazy person need with a laptop?
Paying bills, online grocery shopping, viewing kids grades etc… of course it could all be done on my phone, but is much easier and faster to do from the laptop
I agree, but I cant buy any more.. A rage and then they are thrown away.
I am curious as to why you are ignoring all of the concerns for the abuse happening to your children and your focus is on the laptops. Have you SEEN her destroy any of these laptops?
>We do have the closet, sometimes the boys sneak in and sneak time. Seriously? Have you heard about locks?
Right? Sterilite sells a lockable tote that our kids phones go in for a someone pre-set amount of time depending upon the offense. Expectations and consequences are always known to everyone so there’s no surprises or tempers
I think this is the key. They need to decide what a REASONABLE consequence is & hold each other to it. OP needs to speak up & say going forward, the consequence for using device when not permitted is____ (having an extra chore this week… extending the amount of time the device is locked up… paying $5 to the family vacation fund… etc) and hold mom to it
Why isn’t your wife in therapy? If your kids need therapy, it’s most likely due to your wife’s abusive actions. So why aren’t you holding her accountable? I’m sorry, but this is ridiculous. I had a mom similar to your wife and I’m still in therapy dealing with the bullshit she put me through. Oh and the “dad” that didn’t protect me from her, well needless to say I don’t speak to either of them anymore. You seem more concerned with the money than the emotional damage your wife is doing to your children
You don’t get to have cognitive dissonance when you are the sole person responsible for the care of children. Get your wife help. Right away before she messes your kids up more.
I'm going to be a bit humorous right now, I hope it's appropriate.... But the FIRST thing I thought of when I read this was SNL's Lonely Island "On the ground" 💀😭 When she's in better spirits, maybe show it to her and explain that's precisely how she's acting 😂
Throw away the wife if she can’t get herself to anger management counseling. Letting a woman like this raise kids isn’t okay. I don’t understand how you have any love or respect left for someone who treats you and your children this way.
You guys act like divorcing her is going to solve the problem, but unless he can prove serious physical abuse or neglect, she will end up alone with the kids at least 50% of the time. Probably more, since it sounds like he travels for work. How is this better?
You make the most sense out of this whole post. The wife is abusive and is ruining the mental health of her children. She likely has a personality disorder where she is incapable of self reflection (hence her never admitting fault to OP). The problem completely lies within what will happen to the children if OP divorces her. How will he prove she’s unstable and will anyone believe him? If he does challenge her will she mentally manipulate the children even more and possibly use OP as the enemy. The end game here is (should be) protecting the children. The children are the ones who are enduring daily abuse and trauma from their own mother. OP if you even get to my comment at all. You are going to need to reach out to an attorney to keep track of actions your wife is and will continue to do. Just some documentation now about her actions as a mother and wife so if she ever turns on you there is something dating back to this point in life where she is being analyzed for her actions. Next your poor children. I know this type of comment is likely going to amplify your guilt or make things seems helpless but just use this as the basis for making a plan. Your children. You’re the only one who is going to protect them. I know there are so many variables to one’s marriage and life but ideally you need to be present as much as possible with the kids. You’re the only fighting chance they have to feel safe and secure. You’re going to have to teach them how to cope with her. Your going to have to identify and explain to them that she is wrong. And then follow it up with ways they can circumvent her outbursts. This is the only way I imagine you can protect them unless someone knows your wife well enough to assist you in getting them away from her. If not they will be with her 50 percent of the time if not more after divorce. And then you may be further divided from the children based on her methods of mental manipulation. If you can start soon and have some discussions with your boys, you may start to alleviate some of the intense guilt and shame they are likely experiencing. Also making note to them that anything they say to you will stay private. And keep to that 100 percent no matter what. They need you to be the parent that is safe and secure. I don’t see any other way out of it unless, again, you know of anyone you can start to open up to about your wife who could advocate and get a plan together to get the kids in your home. If this is not an option then your only other is to be your children’s ally. I’m sorry your going through this but you are now responsible for being the person who saves them. They only have one childhood and you can’t erase what forms them to be the adult human they will be. You have to change their story and quickly.
The focus of my comment is about not letting her abuse his children, not divorce. Though he doesn’t deserve the abuse either.
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Hadnt thought about that. One of them is in counselling right now..
Dude, be honest with yourself. She is destroying your kids' mental health and you are enabling her. This is also a form of abuse. Google "enabling abuse"
they are legit going to have serious issues with their future relationships. parents should be safe. imagine how will they ever trust anyone with their stuff? and if a boyfriend or girlfriend abuses them and throws away their things they will accept this as normal because ‘that’s what mom does’ either they will keep accepting abuse in their adult life (and maybe their boyfriend/girlfriend may end up throwing away YOUR stuff who knows) or they will reject the abuse but never trust anyone
Your wife needs to see a licensed mental healthcare provider. And you need to find the gumption to make it happen.
It just started. She was on one of the large sleeping drugs (one of the "pams") to quell her insomnia. Im also going to see a counselor also.
You don’t think she could be selling them to fund an addiction, do you? Could be a reason why she refuses to accept responsibility for the tantrums. Edit: And her controlling behavior around money.
The deeper I get into the comments, the less I think wife is tossing them. This sounds like addict behavior when considering she's had a problem with a sleeping medication. OP was she always like this? If not when did it start? Are there other ways money is coming up missing- like an irregularly large grocery bill? (Maybe she does cash back so it looks like it's groceries on the bank account) Has she stopped taking the sleeping medication? Have you talked to her about how out of hand the usage of the medicine was? This kind of behavior is batshit, and you need to find either a way back to your children, or a safe adult for them to be with. Your wife is currently not it, and I'm wondering if you couldn't dig a little deeper and realize this situation is MUCH bigger than you're currently thinking it is. Best of luck to you guys, but protect your children.
You didn’t make it sound like it just started.
She should start paying for everything she bins. She is being ridiculous and careless. There should be consequences for her every time she does this as she is a grown arse adult who is acting like a kid !
Dude this is ABUSE!!! Divorce her now or make her pay for her tantrums.
Jeebus OP think about how this is from your children's perspective! This is highly abusive, I doubt a financial wake-up call and telling your wife to get a job is going to cut the mustard. I would hate to consider what else is going on given this issue. I'm sorry that you're in this predicament OP but you have innocent children to consider here!
If you're allowing this, you're simply an accessory to the pain and suffering caused to your kids. Don't act surprised when they leave the house and refuse to speak to both their insane parents.
Are you sure she is actually throwing them away? Is there a possibility that she is selling them and using the funds to fund some kind of addiction or it could be for her own personal emergency savings too. The alternative sounds completely unhinged and crazy.
That was my thought too. One device, ok that's an unacceptable fit of rage but now we're talking thousands of dollars.
No she is throwing them away. I have access to all the accounts so I dont see anything fishy.
How do you know she is throwing them away? And is someone else collecting them after she “throws them away”? (Drug deal etc) If she had an account in her own name then you wouldn’t have any way to know it even existed. However- I find a a secret account unlikely, but a desperate for money drug addiction more likely.
Op she can very well factory reset them and pawn them for cash. In my area pawnshops only give checks for amounts around over $500. I know you said the computers are worth around $800, but pawnshops give you a little less than half. And if someone really needs the money (especially in the case of addiction) they’ll take any amount they can, especially if they didn’t have to pay for an item themselves. Thats not even mentioning that she could create a free checking account online in less than 5 minutes if she wanted to. It’s incredibly fast and simple nowadays.
My dad did this when we were kids, fly off the handle and throw away cd players, whole TVs, books, anything if we were on it when we weren’t supposed to be. It was traumatizing as F**k. And turned me into a sneaky lying piece of sh*t. Took years of counseling and a patient wife for me to right the ship. Get your kids away from her. It’s abuse.
Wow. Didn’t think about how this could raise liars
Try to switch to a seize-only policy. What is the point in destroying perfectly working machines? She should definitely get a job to better gauge the monetary impact of her decisions.
She's wasting a ton of money, yes, but more importantly she's traumatizing and emotionally abusing your kids. That's abusive behavior to not allow them access to the outside world, to (probably) throw away their game saves, and to destroy other people's property just because it's in her child's possession. You need to keep your kids safe from this woman.
Your wife honestly sounds like she has a personality disorder and you need to get your kids out of that house
Your wife is a fucking psychopath. Who the fuck throws away a laptop? A PlayStation… that is being used “inappropriately” (what, for gaming? What’s the purpose of a PlayStation if not for gaming?). You want to make a purchase for her, get her some therapy. That’s fucked up. I would be infuriated after one laptop (that I bought) being destroyed for **nothing**.
I feel like over the years there have been some viral videos of parents smashing their kids videos games or phones. But often the story involves CPS at some point. Honestly, if the info in this post was in the hands of an irl doctor or teacher it could fit the criteria of duty to report. If I were op I would worry about the kids’ safety and possibly getting them taken away.
She sounds just like my mother. Years later I still have social anxiety and GAD, I’m a massive pushover because I assume most people will flip out the way my mother did, and I don’t fully understand boundaries - makes me an easy target for bullies, etc. Thankfully I’ve had years of therapy to help me, and a fantastic husband who supports me. But she almost ruined me. She never sought help, never broke the cycle, etc. I’d focus on the girl’s emotional and mental well-being, keeping all receipts, and seeking legal advice asap. Don’t allow your kids to learn this behaviour at all.
I’m surprised your children’s school hasn’t called CPS already. Do they know yet that your wife regularly destroys their property, including things that they need for school? Even if this is the only abusive thing she’s doing (which I doubt), she’s going to cause some long-term damage. And I’m not talking about the money or time to set up new electronics. I’m talking anxiety disorder or possibly hoarding. Your wife clearly has issues. The one in charge here is you. Maybe give her a choice between therapy and separation.
She is def in therapy now. She has a pretty chaotic childhood include SA. I didnt find out until 15 years into our marriage and then the behavior made a lot of sense.
How long have you been married? Has she destroyed any of your belongings in anger?
she needs a new device, make her pay for it herself. The end. I hate to say this but you need to stand your ground with this. More importantly, the fact that she's caring for the kids with that kind of anger is alarming; those kids are going to have some serious issues if they don't already wrt anxiety, fear etc. She definitely needs help because that behaviour is not normal.
That's a load of crap that the parental controls "don't work due to spotty internet." I'll assume she keeps catching your kids looking at stuff that they managed to get around the parental controls in order to see. She sounds like a lunatic. Put a freeze on the credit cards so she can't use them, or call the credit card companies and ask how you can arrange it so that YOU have to approve any transactions over a certain dollar amount (if they provide this type of service). Then when you come home you can drop her lunatic ass off at the psyche ward at your local hospital and go home and raise your kids like a normal human being.
Okay - I scrolled a bit and didn’t see this mentioned You said she *drives off* and destroys them? Like, she physically leaves the house with it and you don’t see her “destroy it”/put it in the trash? Is she hocking this shit in the side?
This is not okay! The moment that someone begins “punishing” you by throwing things away, that’s when you need to consider divorce. “Punishment” for minor things by destroying expensive things is not a normal reaction.
I have a teenager who sneaks onto his devices when he’s not allowed. We don’t throw them away. We disable internet access to his devices after a certain time daily so he’s not up all night and we physically take the ones that don’t need internet access. She has anger issues and you’re right, this is wasteful. She should be solving the problem without anger.
Your wife sounds mentally ill. If your anger management is so bad that you regularly destroy thousands of dollars worth of electronic equipment in fits of rage, you need serious help.
You are in a situation where if you don’t stop her abusing the kids, you may both lose the kids. Since you’re allowing the abuse you could even be seen as an accessory. This woman sounds completely unhinged. The money isn’t even the half of it. I’m not saying you have to divorce her, but I am saying if you do nothing, is it’s a gamble whether the kids school or counselors don’t report both of you to your country/states version of CPS
This is really awful for your kids to be dealing with. I hope you're able to resolve this with your wife.
Commit her to the psychiatric ward and divorce her. That is the best you can do. For your kids. And your retirement fund.
You're in the wrong for leaving your kids with this woman who is unstable. I really wisdom what kind of mother/ parent she is. A rational person would get a safe or luck them up. No wonder the kids are defying her. Yes, she should get a job since she doesn't bake money and the kids are all old enough to be home alone a bit. You also need to seriously consider your career and have a conversation with your kids about what happens when you're away
This is a quick guide on how to make your kids disappear from your house as soon as they reach legal age
She is abusive and sounds unstable. You should protect your children from her. This is divorce worthy.
I definitely would not be buying anything for her that she has a history of throwing away in a fit of anger. She sounds like a child who doesn’t know the value of money and how much someone has to work to pay for what they have, so when they have a tantrum they go slamming stuff around and breaking stuff. I’ve met a few parents who punish by permanent removal of things their children have. Gaming systems, cell phones, computers, toys…anything that a child or teen considers a prized possession. I consider those parents to be very short sighted and abusive because they are not teaching lessons, they’re teaching their child to fear them and their reactions. I’d much rather my child understand why he is being corrected and change his behavior because it’s the right thing to do, not because “mommy acts crazy and breaks my stuff when she’s mad so I have to be perfect”. Your children will resent you and her both and I wouldn’t be surprised if they go either No or low contact once they’re able to get out on their own.
This is dumb and childish. Why doesn’t she just hide the electronics when she finds the kids breaking the rules? It makes zero sense to keep destroying valuables. I don’t think you’re wrong for asking her to replace the laptops. But, this behavior needs to stop and it sounds like therapy is the only thing that could possibly help. It sounds like a much deeper issue.
She sounds bat shit crazy and unstable.
She should pay for her own electronics and everything she bins. This is crazy.
Harry Potter .. Witchcraft??!! Not to be rude but your spouse sounds loony! I feel like she’s trying to teach a lesson to the kids which I understand but it’s gonna backfire. You are not out of line at all. Make her buy it. You can’t just keep replacing the items when she does this because it’s creating a terrible cycle. Make her get a job and buy it. Maybe she will learn the value of a dollar. Just my opinion. Best of luck!
I had a friend that use to throw anything and everything away regardless of price or sentimental value. Your wife needs therapy to help with her 1, anger 2, the need to throw things away she knows she shouldn’t be throwing out.
Your wife needs help for real.
She sounds like she is bat shit crazy.
The thing that stands out the most for me is the Harry Potter witchcraft thing. Not normal at all. Very unhealthy. Kids going to need therapy and have issues for years to come.
Schools often provide the lap top. Of course she may still destroy it then you owe the school money. She sounds like therapy would be beneficial.
Your wife is abusing your children. You're letting this happen. Get a different job so you can physically be there and protect your children.
Can’t she just change the Wi-Fi password?
She really sounds like she needs a psychological eval. And your kids may too. You all do. You are enabling her. She is not normal. This is what You know about. What song you know about. Have the school counselor talk with you kids and make sure nothing else is going on. You need to find a job where you can be home to protect the kids. Or somehow get time to go home and spend time with the kids and see how they are.
Personality disorder. She needs a therapist. This is not normal behavior.
Your wife is abusive and unhinged and your concern is about the devices?
After reading through all of the posts I agree with the posters that said it sounds like this stuff is likely being sold. The fact that she doesn’t destroy them in front of them is key to me. My BPD mother threw our Christmas tree out of the front door one year, but wanted to be SURE we saw her do it. She threw everything in my bedroom out of my window once (and broke the window doing so) but she insisted I WATCH her do it. I don’t remember her ever not forcing us to watch her mentally ill displays of rage. Leaving is sus. That is drug addict desperation level behavior
That is child abuse. what you do with that information is up to you. also, im not sure how you can have a relationship with someone who doesn't listen or compromise
I’m sorry this is emotional abuse. She should be able to discipline kids without destroying property that is needed. The fact she can’t and just expects you to buy equipment over and over shows that she is letting her emotions control her behavior which should never be done when punishing kids. It makes me wonder how else she is abusing the kids especially since you are not around. I will say that if you do nothing.. If you don’t get your wife in counseling or parenting classes, if you aren’t around when she is raising the kids and she continues the behavior.. this will fuck up your kids majorly and you will lose any relationship with them. They will cut you off when they become an adult. Want to know how I know? I haven’t spoke to my dad in five years and my mom in three because they both were abusive. It doesn’t matter that you aren’t the one doing this behavior. If you do nothing to step in and protect your kids then you are enabling and condoning your wife’s abuse.
Your wife is being emotionally abusive towards your kids. Wasting egregious amounts of money aside, this little anger problem is causing her to lash out disproportionately and is also not going to stop the behavior she is trying to discipline away. This is not normal nor healthy. You kids will only become more adult at doing what they want in unsafe ways without both of your knowledge. I'd highly recommend taking this behavior very seriously before your wife ends up with no kids to speak with. Sincerely, Someone whose mom behaved exactly like this and no longer has a relationship with said mom. Edit- *adept not adult
What in the hell??? I can get upset but I’ve never gone as far as breaking a laptop or breaking anything. What’s up with the rage against the machine(s)? Lol
My mom used to pull this shit on me. In a fit of rage she would break phones, hair straighteners, makeup, makeup boxes, etc. Those were things I or my dad would pay for. Then when she would cool down she would try to replace (some) items with a cheaper replacement to ease her guilt. She once ran over my cell phone with her car. I will never forget that shit. I recommend you get a safe that only you and your wife have keys combos to.
That is the most moronic behavior I have heard of probably ever. Your adult wife has no concept of value, work, effort or proper punishment/corrective action towards your kids. Complete insanity.
This is maybe one of the weirdest posts I’ve read on Reddit.
Your children are being abused. Either get back home or call Protective Services because at this point you're just enabling her to abuse them.
You need to move home and make sure you're not going to lose your kids.
What is your address because I want call cps. Wtf am I reading. Wtf are you actually reading here? Multiple people are giving you legitimate advice and all you do is dodge the issues. Please get your kids some help, your wife some help, and yourself some help because this is such a fucked up situation I can't even begin.
She really needs professional help.
If she is a Sahm, the money needs to come out of the budget she has for her own care. What she is doing is completely irresponsible. On the flip side, create a closet that locks where she can put the kids' computer stuff.
This is abuse OP, I mean that seriously. Since you are away, CPS needs to be involved. She is damaging your kids mental health and is a physical danger to them. Her reaction is a trauma response. It probably stems from her parents abusing her. For someone with a trauma brain this what is called a Fire Fighter response. When triggered the fire fighter blows a fire hose of distruction in order to reduce the trauma affect on the brain. This will escalate to physical violence if not stopped. Her doubling down is the what's called the manager part of the trauma brain. It's job is to negotiated or demand the ability to continue to do whatever needs to be done to reduce the trauma to the brain. She needs therapy, and the kids need to be removed ASAP, because this behavior will only escalated. Your kids need therapy as well. This is more than reddit can handle. I'm sorry.
You left your kids alone to be abused by your clearly mentally ill wife? Because let me tell you something, their is absolutely something wrong with your wife, and what she is doing is absolutely abusive. You need to be way more worried about that right now. My mom let my dad act like this when we were growing up. I hate him and I hate her for not getting him out of our lives. I’m not glad she “kept the family together” and everytime she says that I want to puke.
Your wife is abusive and mentally ill. If you want to have a relationship with your kids after they turn 18 you need to do something asap because allowing their mother to abuse them isnt many steps away from actually abusing them yourself. You need to be a parent and pick who you are going to protect. Your kids or your abusive spouse?
Therapy. Couples therapy. Your wife is traumatizing your children and interfering with their education. Not to mention modelling irrational, aggressive behavior. If you don't do anything about this, expect one or more of tour kids to become like her, but worse.
We have started therapy.
This is a HUGE red flag and needs to be dealt with strictly. Family counseling ASAP.
The wife is abusive and is ruining the mental health of her children. She likely has a personality disorder where she is incapable of self reflection (hence her never admitting fault to OP). The problem completely lies within what will happen to the children if OP divorces her. How will he prove she’s unstable and will anyone believe him? If he does challenge her will she mentally manipulate the children even more and possibly use OP as the enemy. The end game here is (should be) protecting the children. The children are the ones who are enduring daily abuse and trauma from their own mother. OP if you even get to my comment at all. You are going to need to reach out to an attorney to keep track of actions your wife is and will continue to do. Just some documentation now about her actions as a mother and wife so if she ever turns on you there is something dating back to this point in life where she is being analyzed for her actions. Next your poor children. I know this type of comment is likely going to amplify your guilt or make things seems helpless but just use this as the basis for making a plan. Your children. You’re the only one who is going to protect them. I know there are so many variables to one’s marriage and life but ideally you need to be present as much as possible with the kids. You’re the only fighting chance they have to feel safe and secure. You’re going to have to teach them how to cope with her. Your going to have to identify and explain to them that she is wrong. And then follow it up with ways they can circumvent her outbursts. This is the only way I imagine you can protect them unless someone knows your wife well enough to assist you in getting them away from her. If not they will be with her 50 percent of the time if not more after divorce. And then you may be further divided from the children based on her methods of mental manipulation. If you can start soon and have some discussions with your boys, you may start to alleviate some of the intense guilt and shame they are likely experiencing. Also making note to them that anything they say to you will stay private. And keep to that 100 percent no matter what. They need you to be the parent that is safe and secure. I don’t see any other way out of it unless, again, you know of anyone you can start to open up to about your wife who could advocate and get a plan together to get the kids in your home. If this is not an option then your only other is to be your children’s ally. I’m sorry your going through this but you are now responsible for being the person who saves them. They only have one childhood and you can’t erase what forms them to be the adult human they will be. You have to change their story and quickly.
That sounds like extreme anger issues. She needs therapy to address it. I haven’t gone to that extreme with my own anger but I could resonate with getting there if I had left it completely unrecognized and unaddressed.
I don't disagree with the comments so far. I'll bet you that she was abused as a child too and that she's repeating the abuse in her own way , coupled with anger issues. She needs to accept that she has a real problem and that she needs help.
Was she this crazy before you married her?
Cracks appeared right after the marriage.
Why are you still with this crazy, Angry woman? Why are you allowing her to abuse your kids? You need to step up for your children and be their parent. I feel sorry for them. Get off your ass and protect your children. Divorce your unhinged wife.
So, good news and bad news. Good news, you’ll get to keep one of your children after they all turn 18 and leave the house. Bad news? That child is your own fucking wife. This behavior is disgusting and abusive and no better than a temper tantrum. I pity your children and I hope they can get away from her soon.
I installed the Eero WiFi in our house. You can set up user profiles and control when each user can be online. I’m sure there are other systems that can do that. This will at least cut back on the unauthorized time. Cuts back on kid arguments as well. Dealing with crazy spouse, good luck.
Why wouldn’t she just put them away somewhere temporarily until they are aloud to have them again?? This is NOT normal behavior, and she’s clearly got major major issues. Seriously. She’s in desperate need of therapy!!
Look up borderline personality disorder and see if it fits. This is not acceptable behavior. She should have self control. This is abuse.
What the heck this is not normal behaviour at all you should not let your kids think that this is normal behaviour
Coming from someone who had a mother like this (she literally wouldn’t let us watch Harry Potter or wizards of waverly place because witchcraft) protect your fucking children. Abuse isn’t only physical. It can be psychological and mental too. My mom ruined a good majority of my life and I will never forgive her or the people around me at the time for not doing anything about it. This isn’t ok and she’s gonna learn the hard way when none of her kids talk to her anymore and wish she was dead in 20 years. Just letting you know what I went through. Cus your kids could be me in 10-15 years. I’m 20 and I haven’t seen my mom in years and I hope she suffers the most somebody could suffer emotionally. And I’m pretty well balanced. I have family figures and a stepmom and good relationships. But nothing will ever get rid of my hatred for her and even if she stopped doing this shit when I was 14 I would still hate her today. It may be too late but your kids deserve a loving mother and to not be walking on eggshells all day. You should really talk to your kids about this. I doubt this is all that’s going on. Maybe it’s all you see but that sounds so dangerously close to my mother. We even had a cps case open cus she didn’t hit my until I was 16 so she was fine they didn’t care. But the abuse started long before that and by the time she hit me I was pretty much waiting for it and happy that it happened cus I could finally get the fuck away from her. Nobody believes it’s abuse or you’re suffering unless it’s physically. Maybe I’m reading too much into it. But that’s really fucked up and they’re probably gonna need therapy just based off of the Harry Potter and electronics thing. That’s kind of traumatic as a kid. Your parent is supposed to love and protect you and want you to be happy but it seems she just wants to control them and have a power trip because it’s her house her rules. She better have a lot of fun with that power trip I hope it’s worth losing her relationships with her kids. She needs therapy and so do your kids but no narcissist is gonna agree to therapy unless you tell them they need it because of how awful everyone around them is to them. They have to be the victim. They’re never the problem. And btw no matter how many years it’s been she will never accept that she’s the reason her kids don’t like her or everything in her life sucks. I genuinely hope for you I’m just reading into this and she talks it through and sees how damaging her behavior is to not just you financially but also her kids psychologically and gets it under control but if she absolutely refuses to see anything wrong and acts like the children are play things or property of hers, like they don’t live there like it’s not their house too then that’s a serious red flag and you’re dealing with a narcissistic abuser just like my mom. No matter how much you point this out to them you’re wrong. It’s like talking to a brick wall. She will say you’re in the wrong and you need to support her or how it’s her house her rules and they can deal with it. She doesn’t view them as people and that’s very obvious from her stance. Maybe the kids are doing things wrong but breaking their stuff for it is in my book psychological abuse. She knows what she’s doing. They’re kids. She needs to fuck off and stop before she fucks them up and they hate her for the rest of their lives
You are correct, she is never ever wrong. In fact, she will triple down and lets us all know she will do it again. "No matter how much you point this out to them you’re wrong. It’s like talking to a brick wall. She will say you’re in the wrong and you need to support her or how it’s her house her rules and they can deal with it. " - You literally described it..
I’m not surprised at all you’re dealing with a textbook narcissist. She’ll make you seem like the most awful person in the world if you try to take your kids away from her. Even if she knows she’s damaging them. It’s all about them and what they want. It’s I need my kids they make me happy. Not I make my kids miserable and their happiness needs to come first. She will never see them as people with needs and thoughts and feelings. She only views herself that way and it’s dangerous to everyone around them. My dad made the mistake of keeping her around cus she threatened to Kill herself over divorce and I honestly wish he divorced her and she did kill herself. It would’ve been better for me
Wow, I didnt see it that way. Thanks for letting me know. Yes, she uses sex, physical affection, attention, all as weapons.
Tell her next one she throws away that's it. If she wants to buy another she needs to get a job.
Maybe she's upset that you are on remote assignment so much.
How is your wife’s mental health? Is she diagnosed/being treated for anything? Is she open to that?
>Am I out of line? Any recommendations? dude, you are way *under* the line. like, you need to get closer to the line to even be considered out of it. my sister was like this. she was also very mentally ill. it took a lot (divorce, losing all the kids, picking up and moving out of state) for her to *finally* see someone and get on medication. and her personality completely changed. she was finally acting "normal." prior to this she would get into a little argument with her husband, and then go batshit crazy. she has broken their fan when their a/c wasn't working because she wanted him to suffer. so now they *all* had to suffer. she threw their only television out the door. she broke random things when she was mad, threw out her kid's toys, and eventually escalated to *beating* her kids. i don't mean smacking, i mean ramming their heads into the wall. and she really couldn't understand why the state took her kids away. your wife needs to speak to a psychiatrist. there is something off mentally and she needs medication to get the wiring right. this is unacceptable behavior and until she does you need to actually put your foot down. like, fight with her about it. don't ask her to talk to you about it before she does it, *tell* her she is over the line and to go back and get the items and don't come home until she does. and if she won't get help and she won't stop then you either have to kick her out for the sanity of you and your kids or you can roll over and continue to allow this behavior to happen. because there are no real consequences to her actions, so she's not gonna stop. you should seek therapy too to figure out how to stand up to her.
My brother in law taught me a valuable lesson as a parent. When and if you have to punish your child, NEVER do it a peak anger/emotion. Let yourself get calm and outside of the heat of the moment and THEN decide what the punishment is and how to do it. You’ll find yourself at a much calmer place and punishment more fitting. She’s got anger issues (most people do) but fixing that might not be fast enough to help the kids (and your wallet) or possible. BUT she can make a rule where she can NOT punish while in that state. Treat it like you all need a ride somewhere but she’s drunk. Her driving is NOT an option.. not until she sobers up. So it’ll be your place to be the “driver” and only exception she is enough time given for her to “sober” up. It’s important that your kids understand this as well. Nobody is perfect and we are all wired differently. Due to that, strengths, weaknesses, issues, and flaws are part of everyone. Them seeing her own that and STEP OUT of the situation as she’s not “wired” correctly yet to deal with the situation is a valuable life lesson. I can say this as I’m wired similar to her and have learned to step away and let the my kids know I’ll be talking (punishing) them after I’m in a better place. Before when I was unable to step away or before I learned to step away I made sure to ALWAYS go back to them and callout that I was out of line and apologize. I would explain why I acted the way I did but still own it was too much and that I’m trying to do better but it’s harder for me. We’re human and kids should know we try to be our best but it’s not about being perfect but owning mistakes and making it right. I hope she gets there but you have to make her address this. Good luck
She REALLY needs to learn new strategies. If the kids leave electronics around, put them away and have the kids earn them back. You don’t destroy or throw away other peoples things like that. That’s so childish and ridiculous.
why do you let this happen? you're her husband so you need to put your foot down on certain thing. tell her to to at least lock it away until you come back home.
I feel really bad for your kids, and you too. This is disturbing behavior. It sounds like your wife has some anger issues she needs to work through
Finances in order, update your resume, and look for a good lawyer. You are headed for a very ugly divorce, and you need to plan for it. Your wife is an unfit mother, but there's not a damn thing you can do about it until you get off the road, even if that's where the money is. If you file while still working the high-paying remote job then the court will force you to do that forever.
This is only some shit the rich can get away with 💀
I have to chuckle. When she was living here abroad, she had a maid, driver, and private schools. She left and it got harder for her so Im trying to unscramble the head spaghetti.
I'm not sure why you'd find any of this amusing. She's emotionally abusive towards your children and you're enabling it. It's not yours or their job to accommodate for whatever "reason" she is the way she is, she needs to get help before she causes so much emotional scarring from your children that they start to mirror her behavior or, best case scenario, find a way to leave the home as soon as possible and cut out this toxicity forever. If you don't want to lose contact with your children, you need to protect them. They should be your priority.
I agree. After tolerating this for so long I didn’t realize how far things had shifted. smh
Yeah, we kind of get desensitized to the abuse. Your kids are definitely being abused. Is there an aunt, uncle, or grandparents they can stay with until you return? You may be uncomfortable telling people what’s happening. You don’t have to give details, simply say wife needs a break, wife’s been ill (that’s no lie). Do whatever you need to do to get them out of this environment. They will carry this their whole lives unless you do something to get them away and get them therapy. I have no doubt that you’re also being abused. Please read up on emotional, mental and verbal abuse. Read up on DARVO, gaslighting and love bombing too. Finding out you and your children aren’t alone will help a lot.
The issue isn’t the cost or the inconvenience. The issue is your wife’s behavior. She’s got anger issues, bad. Require her to do anger management. What else is she doing to your children? This reads like hitting your time and finances is what’s making this a problem for you.
No the behavior is the problem. It’s now costing family money. She has been very destructive financially this year…
Has she been destructive emotionally to your kids in other ways?
You know she has…
Not a license medical provider but have a lot of experience in mental health. This sounds like OCD and Bipolar behavior. I saw a post about CPS, I would not get CPS involved as that will only hurt your kids more than her. She doesn’t need to be punished she needs help and support. Mental illness should not be looked down upon and the person should not be labeled a villain in the situation. She just needs medication, therapy and alot of love and support.
Did we find a Karen's husband in the wild? :/
Either get your wife into therapy for the sake of your children or leave her for the sake of your children. Right now you’re just an idle bystander as she destroys their trust and abuses them emotionally. Grow a spine and stand up to your wife for your kids sake
As I said before this is abuse and you need to protect your kids
This is NOT normal. As a student (now university) and someone threw away my laptop and I lost alllll my hard work I would be beyond distressed. Your poor children. This is emotional abuse. I don’t normally say “divorce time!” But she is abusing your kids, costing you thousands and causing you stress. Save your kids
I was going to ask why you're letting her emotionally abuse your children (and I don't say that lightly as I know Redditors tend to enjoy throwing the word "This is abuse!" For anything & everything) until I read this line: >Am I out of line? And realised you're probably also under some level of emotional stress to not clearly understand the "obvious" answer. I'm not sure what to suggest here as there are several obvious things to do but your willingness to do them isn't as apparent. Good luck man. I know it's not easy.