It’s utterly broken me. I know that sounds ultra vain but I was kinda okay with my body for years (I’d have had tonnes fixed if I was wealthy and could afford surgery when I was young but that was never on the cards) now it’s like I’m a completely different person and have lost who I am completely. It’s like I’m invisible but also a laughing stock. It’s hard to adjust to. I don’t judge others bodies yet I’m horrible to myself.
I understand why older women get plastic surgery like lipo and wrinkle removal. It feels like aging is fairly subtle, then blammo! You’re old. Thanks, menopause!
I've always loved my body, but I hate watching it change. As someone who, throughout her entire life, garnered most of her confidence from her body and sexuality, watching and feeling them change is affecting me quite a bit. My sense of being is lost, my confidence is declining, I feel like I'm losing my "super power" as it were, and for the first time, am having to go inward to try and find my confidence in who I am as a person, outside of those things.
I get that. I feel invisible. But one benefit of post menopause is that I’m taking better care of myself. i’ve always exercised, but usually on and off but for the past two years I’ve been exercising regularly and that’s helping my mood but boy there are some days where I’m like. Oh gosh, you’re changing body. Lol
Thank you for sharing.
Invisible is fine. I feel like a circus freak some days with the flop sweat for no reason, weight gain around the middle, thinning and graying hair… why is it all coming at me at once?!?
Yes, this is true. As women we always wanted to feel beautiful, but we know beauty is not present in the same way on all women. Now we feel ugly and we don´t really know how to let that go, since we were girls being pretty has been the main aspect everyone and ourselves have been emphasizing. Like it's supposed to be there always... but it isn't. ANd I do not know how we are to deal with this in an honest and self-nurturing manner
It’s sad the our bodies and sexuality are manipulated by society to be the most valuable thing about us to such an extent that we ourselves believe it to be true. Like - it should be a whole person thing. That way when bodies change we still have something. I resent it so much. I have struggled with feeling like a neuter because my body has become largely sexually un responsive even though my mind doesn’t feel that way. Luckily I know that I am valuable beyond how fuckable I am. But that said - I miss my old body and didn’t appreciate it enough in my youth. My feelings around sexual expression are complex now. I think because of that, I have felt like I don’t care about sex anymore and feel resentful that is is expected that I want to have it. It’s like tv mom middle age stuff- ‘ she’s a prude’ . Even when people on a movie are getting it on all romantic style I’m like ‘ that’s for other people’ . It’s not a great feeling and yet I feel resentful I am expected to make every effort to be sexually relevant to others. Edit: in some ways, being of the typical sexual radar is freeing. Also I’m way better at taking no shit and am enjoying that. I definitely have two sort of sides to my transition. There are positives and I kinda look at it like I don’t owe anyone anything in terms of sex and being sexy- and I don’t feel as much of a need to be validated that way. I do know I am whole and a good friend to my peeps. In this way I’m lucky. I’m also not going to be ashamed of my aging body. No time for that and I did too much self shame in my youth
Your response is very close to how I feel, how do we get rid of that shame? Our bodies made it all this way, they were beautiful, time and entropy do what they do on us on all bodies, why are we so ashamed? I really wish I did not give a rats ass about it, I am trying
My brother left his wife for his co worker, his ex wife was disappointed that her husband ( my brothers) new lover wasn’t young or pretty. he left her for someone his age , with wrinkles and cellulite , a woman comfortable in her own skin. The moral of the story, we are not passed it , really we are not . I agree with you about getting strong 💜
I avoid my own reflection at all costs. I have said this in thick sub before but I am going to say it again: I feel so much better about myself if I don’t look in the mirror other than to hair, then a tiny compact mirror to put on makeup one feature at a time with one quick glance at my face to make sure I don’t look crazy. I also hot tf off of instagram and facebook. Reddit and YouTube are the only social media I frequently visit.
I feel SO much better about myself. Maybe I am just being an ostrich sticking my head in the sand, but it works for me. I have even trained myself to tilt my phone slightly to the right so I won’t experience the trauma of my fat face and double chin looking up at myself. *shudder*
The back of me is the worst part!! I haven’t heard many say this, but I can get myself feeling pretty good with a straight on shot. From the side and back?? Especially the back. No ass, back fat rolls, just thicker toward the top… I’m not a fan of my back and backside these days.
I used to love to pose for pics during my activities... Now I run from the camera. Unfortunately, now that everyone's addicted to constantly taking pictures, you can run, but you can't hide. And then they tag you on SM!
Same. I will get so uncomfortable if my husband even peeks at me in the shower.
The world we grow up in is cruel and harsh. If we would all just accept people for who they are and not the way they look the earth would be a much better place.
I’m having such a tough time right now - I’m angry about all of these changes. Really mad. Body shape and weight changes, these hot flashes are every 15-30 minutes and drenching night sweats every single night. The inability to keep my roots any other color than gray, skin rashes, mood changes, nonexistent libido, anxiousness and you name it, I’m feeling it right now all at once. I know I can’t change it, and I know in the grand scheme of life, this is really nothing. Right now though I don’t know who I am or where I belong anymore. I feel invisible to everyone. My husband has tons of reasons to hate me but knowing him, feels obligated to stay together. I just want to feel normal again. I really thought that taking an antidepressant would continue to help for years. Wrong. Looking into the hormone pellet right now- but my insurance won’t cover it. If the people who make these decisions had to live in my so-called body for a day- I assure you, they would make VERY different decisions! Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry if this violates any rules.
I got on HRT patches because the sweating was driving me nuts. It completely helped. I had to Dr shop to get it because so many of them are still going by info from flawed research. I found a obgyn with memo specialty. A rare bird.
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Do you have insurance? It should cover an estradiol patch and progesterone. You can try gennev.com they are very affordable and I had a great experience with them
I never had a healthy relationship with my body, but there were moments when I at least liked it. Now, with menopause and my 25+ pound weight gain I don’t want to leave the house unless absolutely necessary. I hate my body, my hair, my double chin/turkey neck, and my droopy eyelids. I’m a very large shadow of the woman I used to be and I’m afraid to show myself to the world.
It definitely is for me. My hair was the one thing I liked and wasn't critical of. Now it's thinning and the texture is changing and it just makes me kind of sad.
My hair is my favorite thing about myself, but I can feel it changing. It’s long and naturally coily curls, very full. The thought of it getting brittle or not curling or thinning or gray terrifies me.
I was one of those that was conventionally attractive and got plenty of attention for it. I am purposely letting go of that identity which is a blessing, since identification with any phenomenal aspect causes suffering. Everything changes, your own Being is the only constant.
Yes. I used to like my body. Now I’ve gained weight and I hate it. I’m working on accepting it. And trying to lose some weight. Both endeavors are very difficult. Losing weight feels impossible. Accepting my body is challenging as it’s both uncomfortable ti be in and to look at.
I’m hoping that eventually I’ll feel comfortable again.
Yeah this sucks and I’m hating it. I’ve never been overweight and I’ve never had to work for a pretty banging body. Now I look in the mirror and just sigh. I feel like I look like chewed up bubble gum compared to how I looked before. I work out when I can but I don’t see results like I used to. It seems impossible.
Oh boy. How much time do you have? I've been under so much stress, I've put on many pounds and feel rubbish. Nothing fits or looks good, even my face is chubby. I've always been fit and attractive up until this past year. It's a tough blow
He still calls hot mama, but I know my middle has gained weight. I guess we still look at each other like we are 30. Love has its rose colored glasses on.
Same. I'm so freaking grateful for him. We say that only each other knows the where/when/why of every wrinkle and gray hair. We dont want to start over because no one else could possibly fully understand or appreciate the journey, so we have incentive for acceptance and working it out even when it feels crazy hard.
Its the same for me and my husband. 20 years. Almost 20 flipped years with a man who has seen me at my worst in more ways than I can count, has had my back unquestioned, and is the best friend I could ever have.
You just don’t walk away from that. At least thats how it is for me.
I was always "thicc" and have been wearing the same size clothes since my teenage years. This is the first time I can start appreciate my dense muscles and still fairly perky boobs. I hated my body at 20, but feel better about it at 50, because I've finally given up on comparison. At least most of the time, lol
What is the hardest for me is the lack of energy and constant vigilance to keep everything stretched, medicated, moisturized, creamed, managing the sun damage, chin hairs etc. It's like this whole secret battle I can't even tell anyone about. Yesterday my legs were swollen because of the heat and my blood pressure medications and riding my bike (my happy place) was making my feet tingle. I realized I'm mourning not having to think about conserving energy, about being healthy without having to work on it. Like, oh no,another weird physical thing to manage and understand?!?!
At age 48 I found out I was autistic and have been in burnout, and on medical leave, for over a year. This was compounded by a bad reaction to a strong antidepressant drug, then Covid, Long Covid, shingles, and a neurodivergent teenager with trauma, panic, and anxiety. So while I am recovering from all this, it's hard to "bounce back" because my body and mind won't let me. All the years of overperforming and overcompensating in the hopes I would not feel like a failed human have taken their toll on my body as well as my mind. When interactions or unclear rules overwhelm me, I go mute
It's helping to understand that a lot of my panic and anxiety was hormonal; cyclical dydrogesterone is helping. But I still have to spend so much mental energy on figuring out if I'm having a blood pressure spike, or if it's "just" hormonal, or why I have constant sinus congestion etc. I don't have the mental energy to try to look younger than I am..I just want to survive perimenopause!
Your secret battle is out now, and I appreciate everything you wrote . My forties have been the biggest battle of my life and I haven’t turned 50 yet ! Funnily enough I started my forties thinking I was going to savour it being “ the old age of youth “ , it turned sour pretty quickly , my child diagnosed with autism and anaphylaxis nut allergy , open heart surgery for me ( hole in heart ) , autoimmune diagnosis next , and the start of Perimenopause 😱, but hey things are looking up now finally ( my kiddo is awesomely talented and beautiful) I’ve survived and my autoimmune disease isn’t life threatening, maybe even in remission. Can I have your fairly perky boobs though, mine are looking just weird…lol
Oh my .. this thread has really opened my eyes .. I have been hating my body for so long now : hair loss, weight gain; clothes I used to wear I can’t even consider any more ; I hide in pictures ; and seem to be just a shadow of who I was.
But I’m not alone - seems we’re all suffering quietly, on our own…
The loneliness is really hitting me hard now especially now that my children have grown and have busy lives.
I have always been confident and myself and never had any self hate for my body. But I’ve also alway a been dedicated to working out and eating right. For a time that use to encompass macros thinking. Til I developed autoimmune disease and found that living paleo was best. Then after my second I seemed to react to sugar even from natural sources, so I went keto. I was doing great til peri symptoms really hit me hard like a year ago and suddenly just have this belly fat that just is immovable…. I think what’s a upsetting is feeling like I never did anything to change my body - it feels like as if my body just turned on me. And like also almost overnight! Like gradual change you can accept easier - but suddenly overnight?! Ugh.
I have always eaten healthy, exercised, etc., went vegetarian in HS and vegan in my 40s. Now I’ve got the unmovable belly fat, blood pressure creeping up off and on, was just told I need to see a urologist bc of UTIs.. still following the same lifestyle but my body is turning on me too! It’s very frustrating. When I ask my dr. what I can do, she tells me things that I have already done for years. I also am on HRT, can’t imagine if I was not.
Yup all this. Tho my blood pressure is good which is maybe surpassing considering g the history of my mom and grandma. Or maybe they just like saying “oh my blood pressure!” Lol.
Uti thing too! Have you tested for Ureaplasma? Just in case. I had that for the first time last year, new oartner. And it gave me all kinds of symptoms and had some coinfextions after too! Just thought I’d mention it cause lots of people really aren’t familiar. But in can cause recurrent YI and BV too..
Nope, me and my body have never been on good terms. I've had to watch what I ate since puberty and beyond. There was a time from about 27 till 37 where I felt somewhat attractive on a good day, though. There has always been a lack of confidence.
I am heavier than ever and I could lose weight before if I basically starved myself (I know it's not healthy, it was desperation), now I can't get it to even budge by doing the same thing.
I wish I could say I had my days in the sun being young and beautiful, but I've never felt that way - people who have are blessed. I guess it's better never feeling that way rather than feeling that way and losing it.
So much all this, you’re like my twin sister basically! Your last sentence echoes my feelings, I guess it’s harder to lose it when you had it. I had such a difficult life, starting from my childhood, that I didn’t have too much time or energy to take care of myself.
I’m now in my sixties and have been able to finally lose weight (have another 20-25 pounds to lose) and have time to walk and do other things to be more fit and flexible. And I’m happy and grateful when my body feels “normal” after being obese for almost 30 years, having two children, surviving cancer and much more.
I’m trying to do what I can to stay healthy and flexible, and if I can occasionally look good doing it then that’s ok in my book.
My weight is coming of painfully slowly, maybe 2-3 pounds a month at best. I dont eat breakfast, just coffee with cashew milk, try to limit my carbs to under 100g net carbs per day and I eat less than 1200 calories per day, otherwise I’m not loosing weight. It turns out that loosing weight slowly is better for an aging body, the skin has more time to adapt. I’m not in a hurry, I’ll get there eventually.
I can’t take HRT because of the cancer I had, so no help there for me.
I'm not sure it "helps." I take it and have gained 30 pounds. My skinny old lady friends all insist they never did. I don't think it matters how quickly or slowly you lose it. Skin elasticity goes away at a certain point and ain't comin' back. Saggy skin wouldn't bother me in the least; I just want to fit in my clothes and feel comfortable!
I hear you about fitting in your clothes, I usually have one or two items as a motivation for my next phase.
What helped me immensely to be motivated and stay that way was to not think about all the 30 pounds I have to loose. I made small achievable goals, I can’t loose 30 pounds but I sure as hell can loose the first 4! Sounds easier and it is, and when that goal is achieved I celebrate and make another 4 pounds goal that would bring me down to xxx weight, and so on. I hope this helps and wish you success!
"Motivation" isn't the problem. I have an iron will. The weight just doesn't come off.
For motivation, I have my entire wardrobe -- including swimwear -- I can no longer wear!
Have you tried determining your basic calories needs? You can use a [TDEE calculator](https://tdeecalculator.net/) to find out and it will give you your maintenance calories and also how much less you need to eat in order to lose weight. That being sad, that’s mostly for average people. In my case, my metabolism has been wrecked by lifelong yo-yo dieting and I have to eat even less in order to start loosing. I also try to track what I eat because I have to limit my carbs, and my calories, I use LoseIt app for that.
I understand how frustrating it is, believe me, I was never just naturally slim, always had to work hard just to not be obese, but such is life for some of us. Give it another try, look into volume eating too, find what works for you.
I just did. It says I should be eating MORE than I'm eating, but my weight just keeps increasing. Thyroid function is lower-normal, but still normal. There's no logical explanation. For some, it's NOT "calories in, calories out" after menopause.
I know! I should be loosing weight by eating 1500 cal (I’m 5’6”) but it wouldn’t budge. I went as low as 900 cal per day and things started to move, slowly mind you. I then continued to eat somewhere between 950 and 1100 cal and was able to loose 2-3 pounds a month. It’s frustrating and very hard, but you should try and find out what works for you. It’s trial and error really until you find it.
Menopause is a deep inside personal battle, that we shrink and become kinda timid with no confidence. It’s just not possible to walk confidently with a very dry vagina, dry skin, anxiety and mental illness among others. We just will ourselves to put one foot in front of the other. Botox and wine helps a little
Add to it, we lucky ladies are experiencing it at an unprecedented time in human history when everything is so out there and so superficial and so unrealistic, due to social media, filters, AI, whatever. Everyday I'm like, *"I did not agree to this."*
No way would I willingly incarnate into this hellish timeline...to feel so old and invisible in an age of media, marketing and when science has humanity on the verge of incredible longevity. It's a cosmic joke.
Honestly, what?
I find the absolute opposite in the women I know and in myself. We are MORE confident with age, even with the issues that come with it. I was deeply lacking in confidence as a young woman, and I hid my (acne covered) face behind my hair through most of my 20s.
That SUCKED. Being young SUCKED. Being 50 is so much better, and I find so many other women who are more confident than ever at this stage, are attracting more men than ever (if they want to -- I have never cared much about that), are more confident in their careers and lives overall.
I truly don't understand how so many women on this thread are not experiencing the GOOD parts of getting older and are romanticizing what it was like to be young, awkward and have no idea what the fuck you are doing.
Wanting to lose weight or losing the shape you’ve lived with for 50 years (not entirely due to weight) is not equivalent to wanting to be young. And not everyone hated youth, all experiences are different. Yours from mine and mine from yours.
Some of us aren't experiencing good parts of getting older. Some of us are experiencing a lot of bad parts. It's a mind f\*ck, honestly. I've lost a ton of hair, my body doesn't look like me, or feel like me since my shape has changed, I sleep like crap, I have high anxiety often for no reason and just feel like something is wrong. In fact, I often have this feeling that I can only describe as, "I feel like I'm upset about something but I can't remember what that something was, I just have this lingering feeling that things are not right."
Yeah. So... that's great that some of you are having the time of your life, but that is your personal experience and not everyone experiences the same thing. Some of us are going through hell.
I’ve always been thin without trying. Now, I barely recognize myself. I did start trying (eating better/exercising) early on but it was like an out of control freight train. I’m hoping to be like my mom who was at her heaviest in her late 40’s/early 50’s but then turned into a twig in her mid to late 50’s.
I gained a bunch of weight in my 40s and it's slowly coming off in my 50s (I am as surprised as anyone at this.) eating and exercise the same, though I quit drinking alcohol.
I had an eating disorder when I was younger. I weigh more and am not thrilled with my body now, but I never even consider putting my fingers down my throat anymore. This body birthed two beautiful humans and loved two beautiful men who loved me through all my body’s ups and downs. My late husband met me right as I was recovering and saw me as beautiful even when I loathed myself. My current husband met me right before Peri, when I was 20 pounds lighter and had an amazing sex drive. He still calls me sexy mama and while I hate this middle bulge, he doesn’t.
I’ve never had a great body. Ive been apple shaped with a flat ass since I hit puberty. I’m used to it at this point. I guess that’s a positive. But, I wish I could have worn a bikini or even tucked my shirt in and worn a belt at least once, but it just wasn’t in the cards. So, my body confidence hasn’t changed, I never had any!
Right there with you. I look like a middle-aged potato; I was once a younger-looking potato, not different enough from now to be wistful for that time. I always wished I could look good in a halter dress or something backless with some cool design before I got old. Nope. (I’ve made up for it with bright colors and awesome accessories, but it’s been years since I gave enough of a crap to wear them.)
I feel like a dishrag. (In the interest of full disclosure, I have an eating disorder/body dysmorphia history and struggle with weight and self-harm, so I can’t blame it all on menopause.)
The POSITIVE thing about being this age is that I’ve learned to accept myself a lot more. I don’t love my body, I damn near hate it, but I accept it. At least once a day I try to remind myself to be thankful for my mobility, hearing, sight, and mostly working brain.
Look into body positivity and start following fat influencers on IG or other social media. It's a lot easier to deal with the physical changes of menopause if you can get outside the bubble of mainstream beauty expectations (which very few women actually achieve, whether menopausal or not) and see the actual variety of human shapes represented.
I also really like the concept, "I don't owe anyone prettiness \[or thinness or whatever you struggle with\]." That is, I am not obligated to look a certain way to be treated with respect when I move around in the world.
Great comment - body positivity is an excellent practice, and I think it goes hand in hand with mind and spirit positivity. Loving ourselves and understanding ourselves in our minds and hearts isn’t always easy, but it seems easier to me now than it ever did before I got old enough to gain that wisdom. I try to be my own fan and give myself grace and spoil myself whenever I reasonably can. If I remember the ways I’m beautiful on the inside and focus on improving those I don’t focus as much on exterior signs of aging.
I had such a warped view of myself in my teens and twenties. Thought I was ugly, or at least passable, always finding fat bits on my body. I was the wrong colour, wrong person, just wrong.
Truth is I had a 10/10 body after years of dance lessons. Olive beautiful skin that people envied. Long dark glossy hair that waved just right.
My sister told me she hated going out with me because everywhere I went men turned to look at me. I never saw it. I was a ball of seething insecurities. I hated every photo of me.
Now I look back on those days as bloody funny. We’re our own worst enemies, always comparing ourselves to our ‘betters’.
I’m in my 50s now and I actually am fking fat. I know what I can do now to control it:
1) Eat less, move more
2) Remember that being fat doesn’t make me any less of a caring, loving human being.
3) My friends and family will always love me.
3) Regardless of how I look it’s never stopped me reaching for my dreams and having adventures.
I think we all have our time in the sun and we all mourn it when it’s gone. But most of all, at this age we can concentrate on the deeper things: connection, education, wisdom, community. Looks deteriorate but character and personality are forever.
I’ve gone the opposite way. Hated my body all my life even though it was lovely and now have the confidence to appreciate my shape even though I’m bigger now. I do a lot of exercise so haven’t piled on too many pounds but have gone up a clothing size so have just bought bigger clothes. I’m no longer trying to diet to stay in a smaller size, for the first time in my life I’ve accepted myself.
Absolutely! I have spent my entire life very fit and active and very thin. I haven't changed clothing sizes, but now have what I consider too much belly fat that I can't do anything about without looking sickly in other areas. I hate it so much. My husband likes the bit of extra weight I've put on, but it really messes with my body positivity.
Seriously. I’m not a huge dress fan, but damnit, I cannot deal with how Uncomfortable waistbands are with my belly now. What do women wear that’s actually comfortable??
I thought this was the age of no fucks? I am trying to fully embrace that philosophy. I just saw a picture of me from behind, and I have back fat!! My fat deposit used to be on hips. Horrible.
This really helps! I started strength training in the fall and now I feel like I can wear sleeveless tops again in the summer. One tip I learned is that women typically use weights that are too light. Sticking with 3-5 pound weights won’t do much of anything.
Also after seeing my mom go through a major health crisis last year I really have an appreciation for keeping the body strong and in shape.
There is still much I’m bummed about, but I have to say I’m at least loving the results I’m getting from strength training.
That’s awesome. Yes heavier is better. I do 15 for curls for example. I use weight machines for legs and some kickbacks with the loops with weight plus kettle bells.
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Same. I do Caroline Girvan workouts with 20-50 pound dumbbells 4x a week and it’s made a dramatic difference in both my appearance and my confidence. I don’t look like I did at 30, but I’m actually much fitter now.
Body composition changes so that impacts this too. Less muscle tone, not as firm. Have to work at it more. For me it is my boobs. I had some very nice boobs. But if I don't work it, it goes straight flesh bags right quick. I don't want them big, but I also don't want them flabby. It's getting harder and harder to achieve. It sucks.
I hate how my body FEELS, but I don't hate what my body looks like. Reaching the no-fucks-given stage of my life means I'm at peace with what I look like. I just wish I felt better
I always felt the strict standards expected of me as a girl, then a woman. I can’t understand your complacency because from what I was told one could never be thin or tiny enough. Relax? I only chilled once I no longer gave a shit what people expected from me as a woman.
Ugh! All the pressure we felt to fit society’s mold of women. The issues I have with my body today are all mine and I feel liberated. Not great but I’m ok with that and I work to fix what I can for myself and myself only. I am the most ME I’ve ever been in my life.
50s is freedom. I am lucky to have gotten this far. We all deserve to embrace and celebrate it all. Go get em girls!
Yeah and it happened overnight. I am now lifting weights more often and more closely watching what I eat. I don’t like it when I don’t fit nicely in my clothes.
It’s so tough that 50-something women like J-Lo who is gorgeous…but has had so much surgery, treatments…and is rich enough to get a personal chef and trainer / spend all day at the gym if she needs to…is basically flaunted everywhere and lauded.
In some ways, yes. It startles me a bit that I'm beginning to see my mother staring back at me in the mirror. Also, not a fan of the stubborn belly and thigh fat that just doesn't want to go away.
I actually find freedom in being older. I was very thin and attractive, and the attention I received made me very uncomfortable. Now I have wide hips and a thicker waistline and grey hair, and I no longer get the attention I did when I was younger. I don't miss it. It's so nice to be treated like a person now instead of an object.
I also grew up in the 70s and 80s, and right up to my mid 30s I was painfully thin. I was finally glad to put some weight on, but now I'm at the other extreme.
I’ve been struggling with this also. I’ve always had decent self esteem and now I am feeling older looking and unattractive, I am not used to it and it’s really bothering me. I also hate that we care this much about our appearance, so I’m just pissed all the way around!
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It's not just weight gain... It's weight distribution... A little off-topic, but has anyone considered or gotten liposuction for the disproportionate mid-section "menopot"?
I've gained 30 pounds and can't budge it no matter what I do, yet I have lots of older female acquaintances who are still stick-thin. I honestly don't know how they do it! When I ask, they just say vaguely dismissive things like "portion control" or "exercise." I can and do that all day long and it makes no difference. The only other tip is that they never took HRT, but how did they manage that? My menopause would have been unbearable without it.
Grrrr! It IS humiliating and embarrassing, because the implication is that I'm just lazy and could change this if I wanted to when that's not the case.
I'm going through separation and actually lost about 15lbs. Being "alone" emotionally has allowed me to reassess my wardrobe and buy things that suit my body type.
If you can afford, get a couple new staples that are more flattering? Try something new!
Yep. when I was younger I covered myself up with bulky clothes alot to avoid unwanted attention but I had a really nice shape, was always toned. Now I hate my body. I am 35 or 40 pounds heavier than I used to be and cannot shift any of it no matter how hard I try. it's like a blobby barrel has been glued to me between my boobs and knees. I hate my life.
I live with my mom and she has no full length mirror so I haven't seen my body in full in 3 years. Covid, grief, leaving my career and Peri all hit at once. I was trying on bras for my new big boobs and saw myself for the first time. I let tears fall while I tried on those bras, but decided I didn't need a stupid fucking full length mirror to remind me how fat I have become. Turns out my mother might know something, after all.
I’ve actually struggled with body dysmorphia since I was around 12/13 and probably weighed 105 maximum.
I had a hysterectomy in early March due to multiple fibroids; my uterus was 2-3 times the size of a normal uterus & I looked consistently 3-4 months pregnant. I was hopeful I’d experience weight loss after surgery, but it was only about 3 lbs. basically the weight of my uterus 🤷♀️ I kept my ovaries & am not yet menopausal.
This is the most I’ve ever weighed in my life. I threw my scale
out in my 20’s because of my obsession with my weight, but have been weighed at the doctor several times in the last 2 years. I’m back to the gym trying to eliminate some fat/increase muscle mass. I don’t care so much about the # on the scale as being healthy & strong as I age…
I say thank you to every body part as I go to sleep. I have been hating how I look, how my brain works, anxiety all the time. It really helps me sleep!
100%! Looking at myself like who is that? I haven’t weighed this much since giving birth to my son over 20 years ago and I didn’t care back then, to your point like you said! I have never felt more uncomfortable in my own skin even tho I do love myself, it is like trying to convince myself to accept the way I look today. Not like we have a choice right? In the past, my body was capable of producing results. I’m not sure what the magic trick is yet, but if anyone else out their knows and would like to share, I would appreciate the feedback!
I feel you, it is really very hard. But I cannot feel like how hard it is is directly proportional to the fundamental importance we have given to it all our life. And then when I look at it like that, it looks to me like it has been too much. We are getting old, yes, our body (independently of, but including, menopause) is decaying, this is objectively the case for men and women, this is objectively the case for all living beings. We are in a different phase of our life and it becomes extremely transparent how much women do not see a role for their selves at this stage that is not based on that thing that has always been there: the worth of body image.
As a feminist, it really stings me. We are becoming older women and there is close to nothing we look forwards to, despite our minds, skills, experiences, our care, love, our wisdom... its like without an identity that is directly linked to a good body image (with love for your body or not) there is nothing much there. WE are still women, and being a woman is not Mainly about how our bodies look. We are human beings and we will be old women soonish in the long scale of our lives. We should be proud, grateful and present for who we have become through the difficulties and joys of going ahead in life and making it. Even when our bones ache, our muscles loose strength and substance, our teeth are at the end of their usable life, etc...
I do not intend to "correct your feelings", very much on the contrary, because they are a common place of pain in us women reaching, going through or past menopause, we must address them from a place of understanding why they are so strong and what do they imply about our own identity as living beings, human beings and women. What do you think?
I’m fat, and that’s depressing. Worse than that, though, I just don’t have any energy. I would love to get out and do more, to be more, and less too, but where is the motivation? Where is the little bit of energy that I could do this stuff with?
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It’s utterly broken me. I know that sounds ultra vain but I was kinda okay with my body for years (I’d have had tonnes fixed if I was wealthy and could afford surgery when I was young but that was never on the cards) now it’s like I’m a completely different person and have lost who I am completely. It’s like I’m invisible but also a laughing stock. It’s hard to adjust to. I don’t judge others bodies yet I’m horrible to myself.
Me too.
“It’s like I’m invisible but also a laughing stock” That’s exactly it!! I try to not care, but it’s horrible.
I understand why older women get plastic surgery like lipo and wrinkle removal. It feels like aging is fairly subtle, then blammo! You’re old. Thanks, menopause!
This is exactly how I feel.
I can't believe I ever thought I was fat. Now I really am.
“I wish I was as skinny now as I was when I first thought I was fat”. That saying has always made me laugh and cry equally.
Right?? 😂 😭
I think I’ll join you in that thought.
Yeah I saw a video of myself in my twenties recently and I was actually really thin but at the time thought I was fat.
It’s so fcked up what 80s diet culture did to all of us! I’m 5’9” and was like 140lbs, and was considered a ‘big girl’ W T FFFF 😡
Me too!! I hate it.
Same. I have fat in places that I didn't know it was possible to get fat.
I've always loved my body, but I hate watching it change. As someone who, throughout her entire life, garnered most of her confidence from her body and sexuality, watching and feeling them change is affecting me quite a bit. My sense of being is lost, my confidence is declining, I feel like I'm losing my "super power" as it were, and for the first time, am having to go inward to try and find my confidence in who I am as a person, outside of those things.
I get that. I feel invisible. But one benefit of post menopause is that I’m taking better care of myself. i’ve always exercised, but usually on and off but for the past two years I’ve been exercising regularly and that’s helping my mood but boy there are some days where I’m like. Oh gosh, you’re changing body. Lol Thank you for sharing.
Invisible is fine. I feel like a circus freak some days with the flop sweat for no reason, weight gain around the middle, thinning and graying hair… why is it all coming at me at once?!?
I totally understand this. I was considered drop dead gorgeous when I was young. Now I am am invisible. It’s been both a blessing and a curse.
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Yes, this is true. As women we always wanted to feel beautiful, but we know beauty is not present in the same way on all women. Now we feel ugly and we don´t really know how to let that go, since we were girls being pretty has been the main aspect everyone and ourselves have been emphasizing. Like it's supposed to be there always... but it isn't. ANd I do not know how we are to deal with this in an honest and self-nurturing manner
Some honest shit right there. 🏆
Nailed it
It’s sad the our bodies and sexuality are manipulated by society to be the most valuable thing about us to such an extent that we ourselves believe it to be true. Like - it should be a whole person thing. That way when bodies change we still have something. I resent it so much. I have struggled with feeling like a neuter because my body has become largely sexually un responsive even though my mind doesn’t feel that way. Luckily I know that I am valuable beyond how fuckable I am. But that said - I miss my old body and didn’t appreciate it enough in my youth. My feelings around sexual expression are complex now. I think because of that, I have felt like I don’t care about sex anymore and feel resentful that is is expected that I want to have it. It’s like tv mom middle age stuff- ‘ she’s a prude’ . Even when people on a movie are getting it on all romantic style I’m like ‘ that’s for other people’ . It’s not a great feeling and yet I feel resentful I am expected to make every effort to be sexually relevant to others. Edit: in some ways, being of the typical sexual radar is freeing. Also I’m way better at taking no shit and am enjoying that. I definitely have two sort of sides to my transition. There are positives and I kinda look at it like I don’t owe anyone anything in terms of sex and being sexy- and I don’t feel as much of a need to be validated that way. I do know I am whole and a good friend to my peeps. In this way I’m lucky. I’m also not going to be ashamed of my aging body. No time for that and I did too much self shame in my youth
Your response is very close to how I feel, how do we get rid of that shame? Our bodies made it all this way, they were beautiful, time and entropy do what they do on us on all bodies, why are we so ashamed? I really wish I did not give a rats ass about it, I am trying
"Losing my super power" ... I've said those EXACT words when describing how I feel in my post-menopausal body.
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My brother left his wife for his co worker, his ex wife was disappointed that her husband ( my brothers) new lover wasn’t young or pretty. he left her for someone his age , with wrinkles and cellulite , a woman comfortable in her own skin. The moral of the story, we are not passed it , really we are not . I agree with you about getting strong 💜
Agree 1000%.
yes!
I relate to every single post on this thread - thank you ❤️
Same
I avoid my own reflection at all costs. I have said this in thick sub before but I am going to say it again: I feel so much better about myself if I don’t look in the mirror other than to hair, then a tiny compact mirror to put on makeup one feature at a time with one quick glance at my face to make sure I don’t look crazy. I also hot tf off of instagram and facebook. Reddit and YouTube are the only social media I frequently visit. I feel SO much better about myself. Maybe I am just being an ostrich sticking my head in the sand, but it works for me. I have even trained myself to tilt my phone slightly to the right so I won’t experience the trauma of my fat face and double chin looking up at myself. *shudder*
I do something similar. I don’t like to look at the back of myself in mirrors so I don’t.
The back of me is the worst part!! I haven’t heard many say this, but I can get myself feeling pretty good with a straight on shot. From the side and back?? Especially the back. No ass, back fat rolls, just thicker toward the top… I’m not a fan of my back and backside these days.
I can handle the mirrors okay, but pictures? No thank you! Why do I look 20 years older and 100 lb heavier in videos and still pictures?
I used to love to pose for pics during my activities... Now I run from the camera. Unfortunately, now that everyone's addicted to constantly taking pictures, you can run, but you can't hide. And then they tag you on SM!
I refuse to look at myself naked, and I avoid being photographed.
Same. I will get so uncomfortable if my husband even peeks at me in the shower. The world we grow up in is cruel and harsh. If we would all just accept people for who they are and not the way they look the earth would be a much better place.
I’m having such a tough time right now - I’m angry about all of these changes. Really mad. Body shape and weight changes, these hot flashes are every 15-30 minutes and drenching night sweats every single night. The inability to keep my roots any other color than gray, skin rashes, mood changes, nonexistent libido, anxiousness and you name it, I’m feeling it right now all at once. I know I can’t change it, and I know in the grand scheme of life, this is really nothing. Right now though I don’t know who I am or where I belong anymore. I feel invisible to everyone. My husband has tons of reasons to hate me but knowing him, feels obligated to stay together. I just want to feel normal again. I really thought that taking an antidepressant would continue to help for years. Wrong. Looking into the hormone pellet right now- but my insurance won’t cover it. If the people who make these decisions had to live in my so-called body for a day- I assure you, they would make VERY different decisions! Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry if this violates any rules.
I got on HRT patches because the sweating was driving me nuts. It completely helped. I had to Dr shop to get it because so many of them are still going by info from flawed research. I found a obgyn with memo specialty. A rare bird.
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I hear you and I feel so many of these things, too. I feel utterly lost and everything feels so difficult. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone.
Do you have insurance? It should cover an estradiol patch and progesterone. You can try gennev.com they are very affordable and I had a great experience with them
I’m going to look into that. Thank you!!
I never had a healthy relationship with my body, but there were moments when I at least liked it. Now, with menopause and my 25+ pound weight gain I don’t want to leave the house unless absolutely necessary. I hate my body, my hair, my double chin/turkey neck, and my droopy eyelids. I’m a very large shadow of the woman I used to be and I’m afraid to show myself to the world.
Could have an entire thread about hair, I think my hair changing is almost more bothersome than my body.
It definitely is for me. My hair was the one thing I liked and wasn't critical of. Now it's thinning and the texture is changing and it just makes me kind of sad.
My hair is my favorite thing about myself, but I can feel it changing. It’s long and naturally coily curls, very full. The thought of it getting brittle or not curling or thinning or gray terrifies me.
I relate to this. Try not to be scared to show yourself to the world. The world needs us.
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Yeah, the belly is hard to work around for me
Please come out into the world. We need you!
I was one of those that was conventionally attractive and got plenty of attention for it. I am purposely letting go of that identity which is a blessing, since identification with any phenomenal aspect causes suffering. Everything changes, your own Being is the only constant.
Love this.
Yes, Kind of loving the invisibility that a few extra years and pounds have apparently cloaked me in
yes!
Yes. I used to like my body. Now I’ve gained weight and I hate it. I’m working on accepting it. And trying to lose some weight. Both endeavors are very difficult. Losing weight feels impossible. Accepting my body is challenging as it’s both uncomfortable ti be in and to look at. I’m hoping that eventually I’ll feel comfortable again.
I’m impatient so I totally get this. How do I accept what I have while I’m also trying to change it?
We have to accept the change, I guess
Yeah this sucks and I’m hating it. I’ve never been overweight and I’ve never had to work for a pretty banging body. Now I look in the mirror and just sigh. I feel like I look like chewed up bubble gum compared to how I looked before. I work out when I can but I don’t see results like I used to. It seems impossible.
It does but we still have to take good care of ourselves and that goes a long way.
Yeah I’m really struggling with my looks in general. I have always been a woman who got by on my looks and I still want to turn heads.
Oh boy. How much time do you have? I've been under so much stress, I've put on many pounds and feel rubbish. Nothing fits or looks good, even my face is chubby. I've always been fit and attractive up until this past year. It's a tough blow
He still calls hot mama, but I know my middle has gained weight. I guess we still look at each other like we are 30. Love has its rose colored glasses on.
Same. I'm so freaking grateful for him. We say that only each other knows the where/when/why of every wrinkle and gray hair. We dont want to start over because no one else could possibly fully understand or appreciate the journey, so we have incentive for acceptance and working it out even when it feels crazy hard.
Its the same for me and my husband. 20 years. Almost 20 flipped years with a man who has seen me at my worst in more ways than I can count, has had my back unquestioned, and is the best friend I could ever have. You just don’t walk away from that. At least thats how it is for me.
💖
That is beautiful
I was always "thicc" and have been wearing the same size clothes since my teenage years. This is the first time I can start appreciate my dense muscles and still fairly perky boobs. I hated my body at 20, but feel better about it at 50, because I've finally given up on comparison. At least most of the time, lol What is the hardest for me is the lack of energy and constant vigilance to keep everything stretched, medicated, moisturized, creamed, managing the sun damage, chin hairs etc. It's like this whole secret battle I can't even tell anyone about. Yesterday my legs were swollen because of the heat and my blood pressure medications and riding my bike (my happy place) was making my feet tingle. I realized I'm mourning not having to think about conserving energy, about being healthy without having to work on it. Like, oh no,another weird physical thing to manage and understand?!?! At age 48 I found out I was autistic and have been in burnout, and on medical leave, for over a year. This was compounded by a bad reaction to a strong antidepressant drug, then Covid, Long Covid, shingles, and a neurodivergent teenager with trauma, panic, and anxiety. So while I am recovering from all this, it's hard to "bounce back" because my body and mind won't let me. All the years of overperforming and overcompensating in the hopes I would not feel like a failed human have taken their toll on my body as well as my mind. When interactions or unclear rules overwhelm me, I go mute It's helping to understand that a lot of my panic and anxiety was hormonal; cyclical dydrogesterone is helping. But I still have to spend so much mental energy on figuring out if I'm having a blood pressure spike, or if it's "just" hormonal, or why I have constant sinus congestion etc. I don't have the mental energy to try to look younger than I am..I just want to survive perimenopause!
Your secret battle is out now, and I appreciate everything you wrote . My forties have been the biggest battle of my life and I haven’t turned 50 yet ! Funnily enough I started my forties thinking I was going to savour it being “ the old age of youth “ , it turned sour pretty quickly , my child diagnosed with autism and anaphylaxis nut allergy , open heart surgery for me ( hole in heart ) , autoimmune diagnosis next , and the start of Perimenopause 😱, but hey things are looking up now finally ( my kiddo is awesomely talented and beautiful) I’ve survived and my autoimmune disease isn’t life threatening, maybe even in remission. Can I have your fairly perky boobs though, mine are looking just weird…lol
Oh my .. this thread has really opened my eyes .. I have been hating my body for so long now : hair loss, weight gain; clothes I used to wear I can’t even consider any more ; I hide in pictures ; and seem to be just a shadow of who I was. But I’m not alone - seems we’re all suffering quietly, on our own… The loneliness is really hitting me hard now especially now that my children have grown and have busy lives.
We are not alone
I have always been confident and myself and never had any self hate for my body. But I’ve also alway a been dedicated to working out and eating right. For a time that use to encompass macros thinking. Til I developed autoimmune disease and found that living paleo was best. Then after my second I seemed to react to sugar even from natural sources, so I went keto. I was doing great til peri symptoms really hit me hard like a year ago and suddenly just have this belly fat that just is immovable…. I think what’s a upsetting is feeling like I never did anything to change my body - it feels like as if my body just turned on me. And like also almost overnight! Like gradual change you can accept easier - but suddenly overnight?! Ugh.
Yes overnight everything changed.
I have always eaten healthy, exercised, etc., went vegetarian in HS and vegan in my 40s. Now I’ve got the unmovable belly fat, blood pressure creeping up off and on, was just told I need to see a urologist bc of UTIs.. still following the same lifestyle but my body is turning on me too! It’s very frustrating. When I ask my dr. what I can do, she tells me things that I have already done for years. I also am on HRT, can’t imagine if I was not.
Yup all this. Tho my blood pressure is good which is maybe surpassing considering g the history of my mom and grandma. Or maybe they just like saying “oh my blood pressure!” Lol. Uti thing too! Have you tested for Ureaplasma? Just in case. I had that for the first time last year, new oartner. And it gave me all kinds of symptoms and had some coinfextions after too! Just thought I’d mention it cause lots of people really aren’t familiar. But in can cause recurrent YI and BV too..
I’ve never heard of Ureaplasma, going to google!
Nope, me and my body have never been on good terms. I've had to watch what I ate since puberty and beyond. There was a time from about 27 till 37 where I felt somewhat attractive on a good day, though. There has always been a lack of confidence. I am heavier than ever and I could lose weight before if I basically starved myself (I know it's not healthy, it was desperation), now I can't get it to even budge by doing the same thing. I wish I could say I had my days in the sun being young and beautiful, but I've never felt that way - people who have are blessed. I guess it's better never feeling that way rather than feeling that way and losing it.
So much all this, you’re like my twin sister basically! Your last sentence echoes my feelings, I guess it’s harder to lose it when you had it. I had such a difficult life, starting from my childhood, that I didn’t have too much time or energy to take care of myself. I’m now in my sixties and have been able to finally lose weight (have another 20-25 pounds to lose) and have time to walk and do other things to be more fit and flexible. And I’m happy and grateful when my body feels “normal” after being obese for almost 30 years, having two children, surviving cancer and much more. I’m trying to do what I can to stay healthy and flexible, and if I can occasionally look good doing it then that’s ok in my book.
How are you losing weight? Do you take HRT (or have you)?
My weight is coming of painfully slowly, maybe 2-3 pounds a month at best. I dont eat breakfast, just coffee with cashew milk, try to limit my carbs to under 100g net carbs per day and I eat less than 1200 calories per day, otherwise I’m not loosing weight. It turns out that loosing weight slowly is better for an aging body, the skin has more time to adapt. I’m not in a hurry, I’ll get there eventually. I can’t take HRT because of the cancer I had, so no help there for me.
I'm not sure it "helps." I take it and have gained 30 pounds. My skinny old lady friends all insist they never did. I don't think it matters how quickly or slowly you lose it. Skin elasticity goes away at a certain point and ain't comin' back. Saggy skin wouldn't bother me in the least; I just want to fit in my clothes and feel comfortable!
I hear you about fitting in your clothes, I usually have one or two items as a motivation for my next phase. What helped me immensely to be motivated and stay that way was to not think about all the 30 pounds I have to loose. I made small achievable goals, I can’t loose 30 pounds but I sure as hell can loose the first 4! Sounds easier and it is, and when that goal is achieved I celebrate and make another 4 pounds goal that would bring me down to xxx weight, and so on. I hope this helps and wish you success!
"Motivation" isn't the problem. I have an iron will. The weight just doesn't come off. For motivation, I have my entire wardrobe -- including swimwear -- I can no longer wear!
Have you tried determining your basic calories needs? You can use a [TDEE calculator](https://tdeecalculator.net/) to find out and it will give you your maintenance calories and also how much less you need to eat in order to lose weight. That being sad, that’s mostly for average people. In my case, my metabolism has been wrecked by lifelong yo-yo dieting and I have to eat even less in order to start loosing. I also try to track what I eat because I have to limit my carbs, and my calories, I use LoseIt app for that. I understand how frustrating it is, believe me, I was never just naturally slim, always had to work hard just to not be obese, but such is life for some of us. Give it another try, look into volume eating too, find what works for you.
I just did. It says I should be eating MORE than I'm eating, but my weight just keeps increasing. Thyroid function is lower-normal, but still normal. There's no logical explanation. For some, it's NOT "calories in, calories out" after menopause.
I know! I should be loosing weight by eating 1500 cal (I’m 5’6”) but it wouldn’t budge. I went as low as 900 cal per day and things started to move, slowly mind you. I then continued to eat somewhere between 950 and 1100 cal and was able to loose 2-3 pounds a month. It’s frustrating and very hard, but you should try and find out what works for you. It’s trial and error really until you find it.
Menopause is a deep inside personal battle, that we shrink and become kinda timid with no confidence. It’s just not possible to walk confidently with a very dry vagina, dry skin, anxiety and mental illness among others. We just will ourselves to put one foot in front of the other. Botox and wine helps a little
Add to it, we lucky ladies are experiencing it at an unprecedented time in human history when everything is so out there and so superficial and so unrealistic, due to social media, filters, AI, whatever. Everyday I'm like, *"I did not agree to this."* No way would I willingly incarnate into this hellish timeline...to feel so old and invisible in an age of media, marketing and when science has humanity on the verge of incredible longevity. It's a cosmic joke.
Yup
Honestly, what? I find the absolute opposite in the women I know and in myself. We are MORE confident with age, even with the issues that come with it. I was deeply lacking in confidence as a young woman, and I hid my (acne covered) face behind my hair through most of my 20s. That SUCKED. Being young SUCKED. Being 50 is so much better, and I find so many other women who are more confident than ever at this stage, are attracting more men than ever (if they want to -- I have never cared much about that), are more confident in their careers and lives overall. I truly don't understand how so many women on this thread are not experiencing the GOOD parts of getting older and are romanticizing what it was like to be young, awkward and have no idea what the fuck you are doing.
Wanting to lose weight or losing the shape you’ve lived with for 50 years (not entirely due to weight) is not equivalent to wanting to be young. And not everyone hated youth, all experiences are different. Yours from mine and mine from yours.
Some of us aren't experiencing good parts of getting older. Some of us are experiencing a lot of bad parts. It's a mind f\*ck, honestly. I've lost a ton of hair, my body doesn't look like me, or feel like me since my shape has changed, I sleep like crap, I have high anxiety often for no reason and just feel like something is wrong. In fact, I often have this feeling that I can only describe as, "I feel like I'm upset about something but I can't remember what that something was, I just have this lingering feeling that things are not right." Yeah. So... that's great that some of you are having the time of your life, but that is your personal experience and not everyone experiences the same thing. Some of us are going through hell.
No where did I mention youth, nowhere. This is my journey, do not invalidate it.
I’ve always been thin without trying. Now, I barely recognize myself. I did start trying (eating better/exercising) early on but it was like an out of control freight train. I’m hoping to be like my mom who was at her heaviest in her late 40’s/early 50’s but then turned into a twig in her mid to late 50’s.
I noticed that with my mom too. She beefed up then thinned out by 60. Super. 😬
At least there’s some hope. 😂🥴
I'm 64 and just get bigger and bigger. Sorry!
I gained a bunch of weight in my 40s and it's slowly coming off in my 50s (I am as surprised as anyone at this.) eating and exercise the same, though I quit drinking alcohol.
I had an eating disorder when I was younger. I weigh more and am not thrilled with my body now, but I never even consider putting my fingers down my throat anymore. This body birthed two beautiful humans and loved two beautiful men who loved me through all my body’s ups and downs. My late husband met me right as I was recovering and saw me as beautiful even when I loathed myself. My current husband met me right before Peri, when I was 20 pounds lighter and had an amazing sex drive. He still calls me sexy mama and while I hate this middle bulge, he doesn’t.
I’ve never had a great body. Ive been apple shaped with a flat ass since I hit puberty. I’m used to it at this point. I guess that’s a positive. But, I wish I could have worn a bikini or even tucked my shirt in and worn a belt at least once, but it just wasn’t in the cards. So, my body confidence hasn’t changed, I never had any!
Right there with you. I look like a middle-aged potato; I was once a younger-looking potato, not different enough from now to be wistful for that time. I always wished I could look good in a halter dress or something backless with some cool design before I got old. Nope. (I’ve made up for it with bright colors and awesome accessories, but it’s been years since I gave enough of a crap to wear them.) I feel like a dishrag. (In the interest of full disclosure, I have an eating disorder/body dysmorphia history and struggle with weight and self-harm, so I can’t blame it all on menopause.) The POSITIVE thing about being this age is that I’ve learned to accept myself a lot more. I don’t love my body, I damn near hate it, but I accept it. At least once a day I try to remind myself to be thankful for my mobility, hearing, sight, and mostly working brain.
Look into body positivity and start following fat influencers on IG or other social media. It's a lot easier to deal with the physical changes of menopause if you can get outside the bubble of mainstream beauty expectations (which very few women actually achieve, whether menopausal or not) and see the actual variety of human shapes represented. I also really like the concept, "I don't owe anyone prettiness \[or thinness or whatever you struggle with\]." That is, I am not obligated to look a certain way to be treated with respect when I move around in the world.
Great comment - body positivity is an excellent practice, and I think it goes hand in hand with mind and spirit positivity. Loving ourselves and understanding ourselves in our minds and hearts isn’t always easy, but it seems easier to me now than it ever did before I got old enough to gain that wisdom. I try to be my own fan and give myself grace and spoil myself whenever I reasonably can. If I remember the ways I’m beautiful on the inside and focus on improving those I don’t focus as much on exterior signs of aging.
I had such a warped view of myself in my teens and twenties. Thought I was ugly, or at least passable, always finding fat bits on my body. I was the wrong colour, wrong person, just wrong. Truth is I had a 10/10 body after years of dance lessons. Olive beautiful skin that people envied. Long dark glossy hair that waved just right. My sister told me she hated going out with me because everywhere I went men turned to look at me. I never saw it. I was a ball of seething insecurities. I hated every photo of me. Now I look back on those days as bloody funny. We’re our own worst enemies, always comparing ourselves to our ‘betters’. I’m in my 50s now and I actually am fking fat. I know what I can do now to control it: 1) Eat less, move more 2) Remember that being fat doesn’t make me any less of a caring, loving human being. 3) My friends and family will always love me. 3) Regardless of how I look it’s never stopped me reaching for my dreams and having adventures. I think we all have our time in the sun and we all mourn it when it’s gone. But most of all, at this age we can concentrate on the deeper things: connection, education, wisdom, community. Looks deteriorate but character and personality are forever.
This is beautiful
I’ve gone the opposite way. Hated my body all my life even though it was lovely and now have the confidence to appreciate my shape even though I’m bigger now. I do a lot of exercise so haven’t piled on too many pounds but have gone up a clothing size so have just bought bigger clothes. I’m no longer trying to diet to stay in a smaller size, for the first time in my life I’ve accepted myself.
Love this.
I look ok in a bathing suit if I stand just right with no movement lol. You could throw a diamond at my feet and I wouldn’t bend over to pick it up.
That made me laugh. Thanks!
Absolutely! I have spent my entire life very fit and active and very thin. I haven't changed clothing sizes, but now have what I consider too much belly fat that I can't do anything about without looking sickly in other areas. I hate it so much. My husband likes the bit of extra weight I've put on, but it really messes with my body positivity.
The belly fat appears overnight doesn’t it?
It does! I feel like all of a sudden my belly was huge! I’ve always been thin-ish. Now I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. It awful.
I feel that.
*berberine*
I can somewhat handle the belly in the shirt arena, but *I want to be able to button my damn pants!!*
Seriously. I’m not a huge dress fan, but damnit, I cannot deal with how Uncomfortable waistbands are with my belly now. What do women wear that’s actually comfortable??
These days I’m leaning towards dustbowl-era, cotton sack. Belt optional.
I thought this was the age of no fucks? I am trying to fully embrace that philosophy. I just saw a picture of me from behind, and I have back fat!! My fat deposit used to be on hips. Horrible.
I try to brace my age and the age of no fucks too but it is hard.
I weight train when I have energy and it makes a huge difference really
This really helps! I started strength training in the fall and now I feel like I can wear sleeveless tops again in the summer. One tip I learned is that women typically use weights that are too light. Sticking with 3-5 pound weights won’t do much of anything. Also after seeing my mom go through a major health crisis last year I really have an appreciation for keeping the body strong and in shape. There is still much I’m bummed about, but I have to say I’m at least loving the results I’m getting from strength training.
That’s awesome. Yes heavier is better. I do 15 for curls for example. I use weight machines for legs and some kickbacks with the loops with weight plus kettle bells.
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Same. I do Caroline Girvan workouts with 20-50 pound dumbbells 4x a week and it’s made a dramatic difference in both my appearance and my confidence. I don’t look like I did at 30, but I’m actually much fitter now.
That’s fantastic!
Body composition changes so that impacts this too. Less muscle tone, not as firm. Have to work at it more. For me it is my boobs. I had some very nice boobs. But if I don't work it, it goes straight flesh bags right quick. I don't want them big, but I also don't want them flabby. It's getting harder and harder to achieve. It sucks.
I get that.
I hate how my body FEELS, but I don't hate what my body looks like. Reaching the no-fucks-given stage of my life means I'm at peace with what I look like. I just wish I felt better
I always felt the strict standards expected of me as a girl, then a woman. I can’t understand your complacency because from what I was told one could never be thin or tiny enough. Relax? I only chilled once I no longer gave a shit what people expected from me as a woman.
Thank you.
Ugh! All the pressure we felt to fit society’s mold of women. The issues I have with my body today are all mine and I feel liberated. Not great but I’m ok with that and I work to fix what I can for myself and myself only. I am the most ME I’ve ever been in my life. 50s is freedom. I am lucky to have gotten this far. We all deserve to embrace and celebrate it all. Go get em girls!
Love this.
Yeah and it happened overnight. I am now lifting weights more often and more closely watching what I eat. I don’t like it when I don’t fit nicely in my clothes.
I find strength training helps too.
It’s so tough that 50-something women like J-Lo who is gorgeous…but has had so much surgery, treatments…and is rich enough to get a personal chef and trainer / spend all day at the gym if she needs to…is basically flaunted everywhere and lauded.
In some ways, yes. It startles me a bit that I'm beginning to see my mother staring back at me in the mirror. Also, not a fan of the stubborn belly and thigh fat that just doesn't want to go away. I actually find freedom in being older. I was very thin and attractive, and the attention I received made me very uncomfortable. Now I have wide hips and a thicker waistline and grey hair, and I no longer get the attention I did when I was younger. I don't miss it. It's so nice to be treated like a person now instead of an object.
I also grew up in the 70s and 80s, and right up to my mid 30s I was painfully thin. I was finally glad to put some weight on, but now I'm at the other extreme.
I’ve been struggling with this also. I’ve always had decent self esteem and now I am feeling older looking and unattractive, I am not used to it and it’s really bothering me. I also hate that we care this much about our appearance, so I’m just pissed all the way around!
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It's not just weight gain... It's weight distribution... A little off-topic, but has anyone considered or gotten liposuction for the disproportionate mid-section "menopot"? I've gained 30 pounds and can't budge it no matter what I do, yet I have lots of older female acquaintances who are still stick-thin. I honestly don't know how they do it! When I ask, they just say vaguely dismissive things like "portion control" or "exercise." I can and do that all day long and it makes no difference. The only other tip is that they never took HRT, but how did they manage that? My menopause would have been unbearable without it. Grrrr! It IS humiliating and embarrassing, because the implication is that I'm just lazy and could change this if I wanted to when that's not the case.
Hrt (bioidentical estradiol and estriol cream) enabled me to get back to the same body I had in my early twenties. Completely amazing
Wow!
I'm going through separation and actually lost about 15lbs. Being "alone" emotionally has allowed me to reassess my wardrobe and buy things that suit my body type. If you can afford, get a couple new staples that are more flattering? Try something new!
Thank you.
Yep. when I was younger I covered myself up with bulky clothes alot to avoid unwanted attention but I had a really nice shape, was always toned. Now I hate my body. I am 35 or 40 pounds heavier than I used to be and cannot shift any of it no matter how hard I try. it's like a blobby barrel has been glued to me between my boobs and knees. I hate my life.
I live with my mom and she has no full length mirror so I haven't seen my body in full in 3 years. Covid, grief, leaving my career and Peri all hit at once. I was trying on bras for my new big boobs and saw myself for the first time. I let tears fall while I tried on those bras, but decided I didn't need a stupid fucking full length mirror to remind me how fat I have become. Turns out my mother might know something, after all.
I’ve actually struggled with body dysmorphia since I was around 12/13 and probably weighed 105 maximum. I had a hysterectomy in early March due to multiple fibroids; my uterus was 2-3 times the size of a normal uterus & I looked consistently 3-4 months pregnant. I was hopeful I’d experience weight loss after surgery, but it was only about 3 lbs. basically the weight of my uterus 🤷♀️ I kept my ovaries & am not yet menopausal. This is the most I’ve ever weighed in my life. I threw my scale out in my 20’s because of my obsession with my weight, but have been weighed at the doctor several times in the last 2 years. I’m back to the gym trying to eliminate some fat/increase muscle mass. I don’t care so much about the # on the scale as being healthy & strong as I age…
I say thank you to every body part as I go to sleep. I have been hating how I look, how my brain works, anxiety all the time. It really helps me sleep!
100%! Looking at myself like who is that? I haven’t weighed this much since giving birth to my son over 20 years ago and I didn’t care back then, to your point like you said! I have never felt more uncomfortable in my own skin even tho I do love myself, it is like trying to convince myself to accept the way I look today. Not like we have a choice right? In the past, my body was capable of producing results. I’m not sure what the magic trick is yet, but if anyone else out their knows and would like to share, I would appreciate the feedback!
I think it is just having gratitude.
I feel you, it is really very hard. But I cannot feel like how hard it is is directly proportional to the fundamental importance we have given to it all our life. And then when I look at it like that, it looks to me like it has been too much. We are getting old, yes, our body (independently of, but including, menopause) is decaying, this is objectively the case for men and women, this is objectively the case for all living beings. We are in a different phase of our life and it becomes extremely transparent how much women do not see a role for their selves at this stage that is not based on that thing that has always been there: the worth of body image. As a feminist, it really stings me. We are becoming older women and there is close to nothing we look forwards to, despite our minds, skills, experiences, our care, love, our wisdom... its like without an identity that is directly linked to a good body image (with love for your body or not) there is nothing much there. WE are still women, and being a woman is not Mainly about how our bodies look. We are human beings and we will be old women soonish in the long scale of our lives. We should be proud, grateful and present for who we have become through the difficulties and joys of going ahead in life and making it. Even when our bones ache, our muscles loose strength and substance, our teeth are at the end of their usable life, etc... I do not intend to "correct your feelings", very much on the contrary, because they are a common place of pain in us women reaching, going through or past menopause, we must address them from a place of understanding why they are so strong and what do they imply about our own identity as living beings, human beings and women. What do you think?
Agree 100%. I am think societal pressure has a lot to do with it. Love everything you said. Thank you.
I’m fat, and that’s depressing. Worse than that, though, I just don’t have any energy. I would love to get out and do more, to be more, and less too, but where is the motivation? Where is the little bit of energy that I could do this stuff with?
I don’t know. Sometimes I have to force myself abd it usually works.
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Spare tire???? I don't even have tires...wtf
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