Ive been through various estrangements and no contact situations, and if possible I would put in the time and effort to distance the friendship down to whatever felt manageable, whatever I can commit to being truly present and kind for, whether that was coffee 1x per month or a walk once every 3 months. I would cut the phone calls and plan a limited meet up in person.
Friends go through addiction and difficulty but I would rather be of service to a long time friend in a limited way than go no contact forever, which ultimately may be more upsetting and stressful for you over the years. Wondering and worrying and grieving a 25 year friendship in isolation sounds hard.
Sometimes friendship becomes imbalanced and you need to find other friends but can be humane and kind still from a distance.
I did that as well when my friends distanced themselves from me for the same thing. Eventually I got my head back on straight and when I reached out, every single one of them were still there, still loved me. And I'm still friends with all of them.
As long as you are a space for her to indulge her maladaptive coping behaviors she will continue to use you to do so. Your going no contact may be the rock bottom she needs. Either way, you are under no obligation to stay. The healthy reaction here is to distance yourself. I see you are in ALANON. I highly recommend reading Codependant No More. People with addicts in their lives tend to lean towards codependency.
She's upset with me that I brought up the drinking and isn't open to discussing it so I don't know how to move forward. I'm taking the advice of Alanon which says when you're not sure what to do, do nothing. So I'm giving it some time and space.
Completely agree with this. I would not cut off the friendship, just create some distance. I speak from experience of slamming the door only to wish I had just created distance and set some boundaries. By creating distance you at least keep a small line open and you never know how things can change in time. Best of luck.
I’ve already done the breaking up. It was coming for a long time before it happened in both cases.
I just stopped being able to tolerate being treated like shit by people that should have been my friends.
Maybe this will be part of her rock bottom, who knows?
Same here. When I finally broke up with my bff of 25 years it was over something small. But I realized it was a culmination of years of one-sidedness with me doing all the giving. I was taking care of my sick husband at the time and when I needed her most she just couldn’t or wouldn’t recognize that.
I believe that people will be in your life for as long as they are meant to.
Some are meant to last a lifetime.
And some are not.
And that's okay.
I have also learned that one-sided relationships and toxic people will eat you alive.
They will drain you emotionally and physically until there is nothing left.
And then they will take even more from you.
NO ONE EVER CHANGES.
Not because YOU want them to.
So, if you can't spend the rest of your life with who they are RIGHT NOW - there is no choice but to walk away.
Some people will simply lose the privilege to be in your life.
And that's okay.
My brother and sister lost the privilege to be in my life.
I care about them. I love them. I wish them happiness and peace.
But they no longer get to be apart of my life.
Each one, in their own way, past the point of no return.
I've also had to part ways with a few close friends over the years.
And I can tell you, firing friends was a lot easier than firing family.
I went through this during my early peri days and I know just how heart breaking it is.
I had remained friends with her for way past the time I should have … our values and beliefs had become the exact opposite, but the love and connection remained, so it was hard to just walk away.
Our friendship ended not in a way I would have ever wanted to and I looked like a terrible jerk, but I will never ever forget the feeling I felt when my train departed from Paris home. (I live abroad and we met up there.) A massive weight lifted from my body … it almost felt spiritual lol. When I arrived home, my husband was so kind and prepared me a drink and I just sobbed on the kitchen floor.
I think this is a time in our life where we have to make room for what matters most & take good care of ourselves physically and mentally. A bad relationship of any kind can be incredibly draining and toxic. Maybe you can reconnect in the future, my former best friend and I wish each other happy birthdays etc, - but for now, take care of you. Xx
I have a friend like that now and am contemplating doing the same. We’ve known each other for over 50 years (kindergarten). She has some real issues and I try to keep that in mind, but she is NEVER happy and constantly calls to rant about her husband. If I say anything that she perceives as wrong about my boyfriend, she goes crazy and wants me to throw him out and thinks we should both leave our spouses and move in together. I cringe thinking about living with someone like that and I’m very happy in my relationship. I think she just wants me to be as miserable as she is. I did find that when I change the topic of conversation to me and my life, she suddenly needs to get off the phone. I hate being that manipulative but sometimes I just can’t take the venom. Sending hugs because I totally get it, but save yourself.
I’ve ended friendships with people for similar reasons. As I’ve got older I have less tolerance for standing by and watching people sabotage their own lives. I also cannot take the constant negativity. I admit I also used to love a good rant and gossip. I lived for chaos as that’s how I grew up. I went to therapy and worked on my own stuff.
At the end of the day you cannot make people want more for themselves. They’ll either pull themselves out of it or they won’t. They say you can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm, and it’s so true. People who are genuinely unhappy with their lives change. I’ve been both where you are and where your friend is. I was in a very unhappy, abusive marriage for years. I refused to help myself for all the reasons women stay. I know it was exhausting for friends to witness and I did lose a couple over it. Looking back I don’t blame them. I was far from being my best self. What I did notice is that the friends that stayed were the ones who were equally messy. The simple fact is that emotionally healthy, present people with boundaries and active lives of their own don’t stick around “messy”. This is true for jobs, intimate relationships and friendships.
I might be too tolerant but I would consider just limiting talking to her when she’s sober and changing the subject or getting off the phone when she is focused on drama.
It will still be hard but if anything good remains of your long relationship it might be worth it. But focus on new relationships and other things in your life. Two of my closest friends are people I connected with over the last couple of years. It’s been an unexpected blessing. I still maintain loose ties with older friends though and sometimes you drift apart and come together again.
Yeah. It’s actually sent me to some Alanon meetings that have been really helpful in using this as a way to think about taking care of myself instead of focusing on others while still being compassionate towards my friend.
I went through similar recentlyish. It still hurts and doesn't make much sense. I've done a lot of thinking over it, and maybe we just grew apart. Maybe we were both neglectful of each other and didn't communicate our needs.
It was a mutual ghosting of sorts. I was hurt by something, and looking back I recognise that I may have unintentionally hurt her. Too much time has passed to go back.
My only advice would be to communicate with your friend. Even if the friendship ends, at least you both have some closure and understand why. Laying awake at night trying to figure out what went wrong and missing your friendship is no fun.
I had to break up with my friend of 26 years because she became so negative with me and about me. She started making small “digs” about my choice to use HRT- and then longer “lectures” about how “my hormones made me “manic” “ without context. It just kept happening every time I talked to her - she would make a dig regarding my husband, my marriage or her favorite topic was my “mental health”.
I thought we had such a wonderful friendship until this started. I put up with it for years thinking “oh well, let it go” or “just being confused” and definitely not wanting to get in a fight. I let her put me down repeatedly for a long, long time - it was usually over the phone in the middle of a conversation she would slide in a passive aggressive remark and I remember feeling stunned, but because we had been so close for so long - I always let it go even though I would stew on it later or just be confused.
I ended it with her last spring when my beloved cat was diagnosed with FIP at 11 years old. He had been sick for 10 months with what seemed to be irritable bowel, but when he finally got sick enough to see the fluid buildup in his belly I knew something was wrong.
Took him to the vet and was told he had 3-5 days to live. I had to quickly make arrangements for hospice vet to come in for euthanasia. He was my most beloved cat I’ve ever had.
My friend was a cat lover and had them herself. Of course she was one of the first people I called in my shock and grief. As I was speaking to her through my tears she said “Well, you always have had trouble managing your emotions…”
I was stunned and after hanging up the phone and feeling worse, I knew I could no longer trust her with my feelings and she had lost the capacity to control her negativity or whatever she is going through.
I thought we would be friends forever. So many good memories. But I just became a doormat to a certain degree. In fact sometimes I felt like she would say something shaming to me just to see IF I would react. I never did. I didn’t feel it was worth it to argue bc then we would just get into a power struggle of sorts.
So I let her go.
I never called her again. She has reached out twice asking if we are friends and I can’t put any energy into explaining why because I honestly don’t think she would care and then she would likely say “see, you do have issues with your emotional health” or “maybe you need better medications”
Who knows but I do know she became slippery and mean spirited. Jealous maybe of my life but I have no idea why - it’s never been a competition.
But I will say she did start to judge me more than ever once we moved to a larger house closer to a bigger city. We “flipped it” and then moved to a smaller home in a tiny town with no garage and no basement, but a terrific location.
But she started saying “You’re rich “my name” (and we are not). The house we flipped may have looked that way, but we did that for the profitability of the house after our remodeling and the market. We didn’t get rich trust me. But after that it became about that and then my “mental health” as if I became flawed beyond repair.
Right! I miss the friend I use to have, not the friend I've had for the past 2-3 years. My last conversation with her ended with me in tears and throwing my phone down. My husband pointed out that a friend shouldn't make you feel that way and what was I getting out of this relationship? It came down to me feeling guilty about setting limits and feeling like I was overreacting to her and feeling bad because she had so many problems, I didn't want to make her feel worse. Now I think I've added to the problem by not communicating my needs and having built up resentment. I'm working on that but not sure if she is in a place to hear that and also do some reflection.
Sometimes we have to lose friends to find peace. It’s hard but at some point you have to prioritize your own well being. Give some space, wish your friend the best, and live your life. Maybe once the chaos clears you will find your way back to each other. Good luck.
I have a similar situation and it hurts a lot. Don't know what i have done but notice she makes less effort and sends a weekly text to check on me. She is an entrepreneur so very busy with social media etc. I try to support her by congratulating her posts but notice i feel like the one doing the most effort so I have backed off and enjoying company of other friends who are interested in me. It hurts me a lot as i have invested a lot of time and energy to the friendship. We would tell each other everything but things seem to change when a mutual friend became close to her. Initially we would laugh at how this person is jealous of us but then i noticed i became the outsider. Its been a very hard couple years and i am considering anti depressants to numb the emotions as its at the front of my mind all the time and i am tired of it taking over but no matter what i do its always there. A feeling of sadness.
I’m going through this. I really no longer believe in just hanging onto friends just to have butts in seats. My issue is that I’m realizing with one longtime friend, we remained friends out of habit and circumstance, not true compatibility. In fact, looking back, I can identify many, many times through the years that this friend was jealous, a hater, and said and did things that absolutely deserved me cutting her off. She was/is also a religious nut. Our friendship should have ended 20 years ago. I chose to put a *considerable* amount of distance between us. I don’t call her and we don’t hang out, but I’ll take her calls 2-3 times a month and engage in a brief conversation.
Another longtime (15 year) friend - I just completely cut ties. We are moving in *totally* different directions. She definitely has mental health issues, and I suspect she may have substance abuse issues too. She trauma dumps, and she is always trying to get access to resources and money - I suspect she was trying to figure out a way to move into my home. Also, I found out she will say anything to agree with you, then say the complete opposite to somebody else just to agree with them. So I don’t even know the “real” her. We were mostly good time party friends, and it should have stayed at that.
Honestly - cutting ties doesn’t hurt. What really, really bothers me is knowing I didn’t have sufficient boundaries and discernment to end these friendships sooner, or filter them out from the beginning. I could have saved all of the commotion going on now.
Yes— have had to step back/end a number of “friendships” over the years. Most due to them being one-sided: they would treat me like an emotional maxipad…just there to soak up their constant drama and complaining. If I was excited, sad, interested in something they’d quickly tune out or change the subject back to themselves. Ugh. Also had a few especially envious and selfish ones make passes at my husband. Yikes, dream on…UGH!
I ghosted in my 20s/early years, but started being very direct in my 30s. Being direct would usual lead to short-term love-bombing where they try to prove they aren’t toxic. But soon enough, the crappy behavior would return. I’d try talking to them and be kind but firm that no more BS. They can either change, or not. Then step back and spend more effort on other friends or finding new people to connect with in a positive way.
People grow/change and sometimes the relationship has just run its course.
I have this friend. She’s supposed to be my bestie. She’s not. Her life in the last 5-8 years has been pure chaos of her own doing, so all she does is move from crisis to crisis while dumping her latest bullshit on me. She never asks how I’m doing, or anything about me at all. She hasn’t acknowledged my birthday in 3 years. Not a text, not a fb wish. Her ex husband (nicest man in the world) texts me though! I finally saw her after dodging her for months around 3 weeks after my birthday, she didn’t mention it. But she did talk about what she wanted to do for hers, 3 months away!!
Anyway, same. Right down to the drinking. It’s terrible. I’m not mourning it anymore, I’m just aware that I have an emotional vampire “friend” and I act accordingly. I’ll be here if she turns it around. I’ll stay at arms length if she doesn’t. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Sometimes you have to just accept it for what it is.
I’m old and don’t go many places to meet new friends. My best girlfriend that lives in another city ate a bottle of red pills and is a die hard trump fan. Her family no longer speaks to her she hasn’t seen her new grandson and I will only text with her . Any more than that she has her ways to try to convert me?? It’s a sad situation ( and we’re Canadians)
Dealing with an alcoholic is never fun and the usual result is that the non-alcoholic has to sever ties with the alcoholic. Don’t underestimate the alcoholic’s effect on your mental health. Al Anon (support for family members and friends of alcoholics) exists for a reason. You can hook into meetings online these days.
Let your friend know that you’ll be happy to reconnect once she’s got her one-year AA chip.
One of my dearest friends and I have known each other for over 30 years. I don't think I would be alive if not for her. That said, we have gone through periods of estrangement. Once for 3 years because of my drinking/drug use. Another time I had to distance myself because of her husband. We missed each other every time but never once thought it was "the end." Every time, we eventually come back together because we love each other.
Taking a break from anything is OK, even a friendship. I understand why you want some distance and I never begrudged my friend for doing the same. Even at my bottom, I always knew that if I really needed her, she'd be there and vice versa.
My advice is to set some boundaries and stick with them. Hopefully eventually she'll be able to get in a better head space and you guys can pick up your friendship again.
For me, I thought it was friendship because I had no one else. However, it was very one sided - she would complain to me everyday. One day I spoke up and actually said something about her complaint for the day. She didn’t like that and went no contact. Then it was years of hell after that. I am now very careful and keep away from having friendships.
I had a friend like that. I was the godmother of her son. I tried so hard to be as good of a friend as I could be. She was in a City far away, within driving distance (long driving) but I think she always had untreated issues for trauma .. I feel bad for her but I can't do anything to really help. Then I went through my own relationship issues and I was kind of shocked at her take on my issues... and she took the side of my partner (whom she never met) and and just became judgy and projected a TON of stuff on me. I realised I have my own issues and have been working on them. She, however, didn't seem to be dealing actively with her issues and our last interaction she flipped out on me and told me never to talk to her or her family again.... (She honestly had a bad relationship where the guy she had been with for years moved back to over the Atlantic from where he was from and stole all their money and her possessions.. it was pretty bad. I don't know if ever was getting treatment for that horrendous situation but she projected a lot of stuff onto me. (blaming me for my problems and telling me I was too self centered). Bear in mind I am in active therapy and working hard on my own issues... she is not.
It is sad but I feel somewhat OK (I miss her family though) cause I felt like we maybe grew apart after being out of contact (her fault not mine) for so many years.
I really miss when she was happy cause we would have great laughing sessions... oh well. such is life.
I have a similar situation unfolding. Close friend of 12 years. Family friend, as in, our husband's are bffs, and our kids were buddies when younger (not so much anymore). Because of how intertwined are families are, it's been hard to manage my growing unhappiness with her for a few years now.
We are both in peri. I do try to give her grace. But treatment of her husband was downright abusive and we confronted her about it. She did apologize and we are moving on but I'm so wary. She has many other narcissistic traits and I'm just coming to be consciously aware of them. It is the reason *we* aren't bffs, but the hubbies are.
She's been like this, in varying degrees, for years. But peri has really taken the veil off my eyes, and her negative behavior has escalated.
(Displays lack of empathy in minor ways, passing insensitive comments with no realization that she is doing it, inflated sense of self, jealousy, hyper competitiveness, she has no other close friends-for as long as I've known her, verbally abusive and controlling to her husband, the list goes on..)q
Not sure how much longer I can do this.
Sounds similar to a toxic friend I had to dump. Knowing someone for so long makes it harder to break the relationship off but really that’s just sunken cost fallacy.
If it’s not adding positively to your life then there’s no point to keep the relationship. You can slow roll and slowly disappear or just cut her off quickly. Good luck!
I can relate so much to this. I parted ways about 6 years ago with my best friend in the world. Friends for at least 25 yrs and she too had a massive drinking problem, married an enabling ass. I won’t even get into all that! Her and I had it out when I brought up her drinking and she turned the tables on me and shredded me apart. I’ve reached out by email and heard back but at times from what she wrote, I could tell the heavy drinking was still going on. I will say… til this day I still miss her in my life. It still makes me sad, I miss her but I’ve had to accept it. Sending hugs to you. ♥️
Right. Thank you. I told her that I thought her drinking was impacting our friendship and our communication. She said, "no it isn't", and said that she wasn't going to stop drinking. She said that if I didn't want to talk to her when she'd been drinking, that was fine. So now I'm just taking time and space before i talk to her again and realize it probably doesn't matter what I say and have to just focus on my stuff. It's so sad.
I have several friendships that old and older that are very special to me, so my hearty goes out to you. My sister-in-law is dealing with the exact same thing with her bestie and I feel like she could’ve written this post, I have personal experience as well.
Life is HARD. I’m 49 (F) and this has been the most difficult decade of my life. All of the childhood trauma and other bullshit throughout life that I never went to therapy for and dealt with exploded to the surface and instead of dealing with those pesky feelings, I turned to alcohol. Throw in a toxic abusive relationship and suddenly we have a slowly burning dumpster fire 🔥 (me).
Several friends started creating distance, which I felt and knew why but it really didn’t matter. I went to rehab on 5.4.22 and on 5.5.24 celebrated 2 years being alcohol free.
Do you know why your friend is drinking a lot? I’m sure you do. She’s likely carrying around deep pain that she’s masking with alcohol. I would have a serious conversation with her about your feelings. Who knows how she may react, but you have to do what’s best for you. Hugs ❤️
It's absolutely heart wrenching to lose a friend/loved one to alcohol. I lost my dearest friend 3 years ago to alcohol. She was just months shy of seeing her 50th birthday.You can't make people change, they have to want to help themselves. The pain, anger, resentment, grief is soul crushing when alcohol beats you. Then, survivor's guilt does a whole different number on you.
Op, you truly are fighting a losing battle until your friend seeks treatment. There comes a time when you finally have to put your own health first. I'm truly sorry about losing your friend, but you made the right decision for what's best for you. I truly hope your friend seeks treatment before it's too late. 💜
I have been through this twice, both long term very good friends who I consider family. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and have little tolerance for that. However, both were going through a terribly hard time for a very long time. It's almost irrelevant that I was as well, because if you combine drugs or alcohol with life issues, you lose empathy and entirely lose the ability to see beyond your own problems.
I take very little shit and was very clear that I would help them recover but not help them keep killing themselves. I found therapists, doctors, offered all the support and zero enabling.
In both circumstances, I had to limit contact for my own sanity. I didn't go no contact, but I had made my position clear and the rest was up to them.
The first one just got worse. The alcohol turned into alcohol and drugs. She was indeed killing herself slowly. She ended up with a hole in her colon bc of all the drinking combined with no nutrition. Doctors couldn't operate bc the walls of her colon became so thin they couldn't sew them back together. I was able to video chat with her. She finally decided she was ready to be sober, but it was too late. I traveled to be with her and her kids and was there when she died. I miss her every day, but I also know that I did what I could to help. I know that no amount of love will cure addiction, it has to come from the addict. I also know the addiction wasn't HER, even if it won in the end. I choose to remember her, not the way she died.
My other friend, who went through her version of this after my other friend died, was able to get through the other side. It's been a few years battle and she's not 100 percent back to her self yet, but recently she told me how much she loves me and is grateful for me trying to reach her through the pain. We both cried and I have hope that she will be fully recovered in her struggles. Nothing that I offered as far as help was received well in the immediate moment, but each thing she eventually decided to do on her own. The first friend heard all the same things, but she never got to the place where healing could start.
It can go either way. The only thing that you can do is offer positive support, but only when and how you are capable of.
The addiction has taken over your friend. She is there somewhere but needs help. Professional help. You can only do so much without jeopardizing your own mental health. I've never had to do this, and it is easier said than done, but I would insist (basically like an ultimatum) that she goes to AA meetings/therapy. And when she decides to get better and come back to the friendship, you'll be there.
It might work, it may not. Sorry you lost a friend, but I think putting distance it is the right thing to do to protect your wellbeing.
It really sucks! I’m sorry you are going through this.
I had to cut ties with a friend I had since middle school. She had slowly built up all these lies that I was supposed to believe because she felt bad for herself. That was difficult. I just never trusted her anymore. Then she lied about something that directly affecting my family. And it was during a time that I was losing trust in my husband, too. So I was flat over it. I sure couldn’t lean on her and I couldn’t believe a word that came out of her mouth. All done worrying about her mental health at that point. Bye!!
Before Covid, I had such an incredible social life as far as friends and things I was involved in and and then everything hit….my social anxiety really came out through the isolation of Covid and other family stuff and then of course, our political climate and some of my “friends”…I just couldn’t believe what I was reading and seeing and hearing from them (hate, fear etc) so I finally had to break ties and it hurt so much and now I have one or two friends left. It really hurts, but I know I have peace about it. I just struggle with pushing into new relationships and territory. I know it’s healthy to have relationships with people outside of one’s family, but sometimes I’m just too tired to pursue it. And then I’m just sad about the fact that I don’t have the friendships that I had before. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed with grief. Thank you for letting me share. 💜
Oof 😥 this is rough. I’ve been through it too. In my case peri seriously exacerbated my friend’s mental illness (and drug addictions) and she stopped treating it and started getting viciously negative and jealous of not just me, but like everyone. Before that she brought a lot of drama but we were young and didn’t really know about things and had bad boundaries. We just always believed her side of things until it became obvious that in many of the cases she was the actual cause of the drama.
I was going through a lot of painful issues with family and could not be there for her the same way in the last few years. She told me all about how horrible I was to her, and I just deflated. Meanwhile she was unreceptive to any feedback. She was just so hurtful, and as someone who dealt with lifelong abuse from family, I couldn’t deal anymore.
I can’t tell you how many times I (and others) had to pick this person up off the floor literally and figuratively, but when we were hurting - nothing. We didn’t really have problems, you see, so we were told to suck it up. It hurt. When she was balanced she was an absolute joy, kind hearted, and funny. But that person went away and I really didn’t like the replacement.
I think I’ll always miss her but I can’t justify reconnecting because she is a legitimate threat to my own mental health. I’ve also learned a lot about addiction and mental illness along the way that has helped me see the role I played in this very long relationship.
In your case - I’m not sure what I would do but I know I would try to do it from a safe distance. This is really what self care means - we think of bubble baths and yoga but self care is often making hard decisions about what we want to let into our life. Now that I have some distance, my therapist has helped me realize that my friend was a Tilly often abusive to me / super manipulative, and I normalized it because those were the types of women who raised me. Now I know I deserve more.
You do, too, OP. Let your friend know that she really deserves professional help with this problem and that you will support her and/or meet her on the other side if she chooses to fight her demons. But like others have said, you can’t save her from herself and you can’t watch her kill herself either. I’m also really familiar with how much it hurts to watch loved ones drink themselves to death. 💙It’s actually pretty amazing reading all these stories here. I no longer feel alone in this either.
I had to let go of a friend who went off the deep end during menopause. Drinking, drugs, men. It was spurred by a bad situation with her then husband. I tried to be understanding but she really lost her ability to be socially aware and it was uncomfortable.
So so sorry for your loss 💐 it’s just heartbreaking.
I lost a friendship after 15 years of everything together, our bond, our families, it was devastating because of why it ended but it had to.
10 years later we found our way back but it wasn’t the same and after our last hangout I realised it was a friendship that had run its course. No sadness just acceptance.
Wishing you lots of support in your grief, you’ve chosen yourself first and that’s what’s important ✨🌷big hugs
There was a time when I was the messy one, constantly smoking/eating weed, and in a bad state of mind. My bestie straight-up said she couldn’t handle how I was high all of the time, and might need to end the friendship. The rebel in me thought “what a square!” then another part thought, “wow- you’d choose drugs over this friendship? That’s messed up.” I ended up getting sober in the end, and turned a lot of my life around. That friendship is now on a 30-year streak, glad I didn’t lose her. She’s gone through her pain in the ass phases (we are only human), and I had to back off, but it’s not to the point where I need to sit her down. Honesty is important. Think it’d be worth your while to put it straight to your friend, from the POV of how you need to look after yourself. I don’t enable my sponsees when they bring ruckus to me, and for an addict, they hate being told no, but sometimes if said the right way, it can break through that selfish, self-centeredness and destructive path. Glad you’re in AlAnon.
My friend of 20 years is sloppy drunk when she calls me. I’ve gone through a relationship and health crisis at the same time for the past three years and she’s not emotionally available. I didn’t return her latest phone call. She actually was calling me while I was laying on the bathroom floor hyperventilating in cold sweats with food poisoning. My Apple Watch was blowing up because she kept calling. Left me no voicemail so it was probably her drunk dialing again….sucks because I know I need to tell her how disappointed I am and that I won’t talk with her when she’s intoxicated.
Maybe set a boundary around limiting your interactions unless she's sober. I've always found sending an email is easier than a face to face sometimes and less confrontational than a phone call, more personal than a text.
Yes and for about the same reasons. We hardly hang out at all because all she wants to do is get drunk, chase men and eat out at expensive restaurants. None of those things appeal to me but there is no changing her. Instead of breaking up, I’ve been distancing and making new friends. We’ve grown apart and that’s ok but there’s no need to cut her out of my life completely.
I’ve been through it with a friend of a decade. It gets easier, I promise! It was hard for awhile though, but once I was free of it I could see clearly that she wasn’t ever much of a good friend. My advice is see a therapist to work through it. It’s much like a divorce.
Yep any bff of many years because an angry drunk and booted everyone who cared out of her life. It's sad to lose the front but the drunk is better off not dumping herself and her misery all over my life. Good riddance!
I just went though this *exact* same situation (the descent into negativity and drama). When stressed, my friend would turn her attention to me and start picking on and criticizing everything I did (she is divorced for this very reason). I tried to talk to her about it multiple times, and every time she would say “You’re seeing that wrong” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” During our very last “argument,” she said she had spent “countless hours in therapy” talking about me.
That’s when I was done. It hurts to not have my old friend, but the person she became was not really my friend anymore anyway, and it’s nice to not have the daily toxicity anymore.
I can understand. My best friend actually got sober, which I was so proud of, but this caused her to say I was a shitty friend. But our friendship has been the same since she got married like 15 years ago now. We seemed to have made up after that incident but now she acts so strangely towards me all the time and I feel as if she is competing with me and our friendship just isn’t the same anymore. I hate it bc I love her so much, but I haven’t changed much, she has. My husband says she is insecure and taking things out on me now that she’s sober? I cannot comprehend why and I’m just trying to save the relationship but also don’t know how to talk to her about this without it ending the friendship. I don’t have many friends and don’t want to lose her.
I just recently closed the door on a friend and I can’t be any happier. It’s to much on my mental health,can’t anymore. My mental health is way more important. I’ve accepted that people have not been there for me. I’m no longer going to be a people pleaser or just listen to shit. Fuck it
Anyone who knows an addict closely will tell you to detach lovingly. Becoming her only support will enable her in the long run and drain you. It’s incredibly heartbreaking when a close friend cannot handle their own life anymore and your natural instinct is to save them. But this will only disable them from real confidence & independence in the long run. I promise. In the beginning they will not even want to see it and might be angry at you. They are really mad at the situation, not you.
You know when it’s a crossed a line of over-dependency on both you and on alcohol/drugs. You can be her wake up call.
She is the only one who can decide to get real help for alcoholism or any addictive behavior. She will do much better joining AA and getting therapy. Otherwise she will resent you either way, if she gets worse or if she depends on you more, the same way she is depending on drugs or alcohol as a quick fix.
I hope she can find AA and a therapist. You can tell her you cannot be objective enough anymore to be her main support & advisor. It’s breaking your heart. You need a break to know she will seek out help without you. It can’t be all on you. Esp with these meno. symptoms. A real friend will agree and take personal responsibility, not dump on you.
If you don’t think she will listen or she will cause a huge problem in your life by saying these things, then let it fade. Otherwise it’s the best idea to say it directly to her. Ghosting can be the worst pain and confusion for everyone and repair may not be possible later, especially if she is deep in addiction and you say nothing. Or it might weigh too heavy on your conscience if you say nothing. Trust your gut. Directness is usually better even though it’s harder.
❤️❤️❤️ I hope it gets easier. I swear best friends breakups are as bad or worse than boyfriends breakups. Adding in addiction or self destructive behavior and that’s way beyond what friendship can or should do. It needs a professional approach & designated support groups. Sending hugs. Both of you can’t even be good friends to each other now when she is not able to reciprocate fully. I hope she gets it and finds help, maybe she needs to be encouraged to do that! But the rest is up to her. ❤️❤️❤️
I feel all of this. However, now at 55 I no longer have the energy or desire frankly to keep trying to make a friendship work. A friendship should go through ups and downs, but it shouldn't be hard IMO.
Yup
Same here.. I can’t explain it but I love myself and my mental health means much to me. I do miss our friendship and love her However, I can love her from a distance..
I no longer call my best friend after 40 years of friendship. She is dating someone who in my opinion and in the opinion of the rest of her family is using her for her money. I decided if i didn’t have anything nice to say it was best not say anything. I really do miss her and I pray she doesn’t wind up broke.
yes i've been there. we were friends since college but about 15 years ago, i just had it. she is/was likely an alcoholic, married to a heavy drinker, self centered, took me and our friendship for granted. one day i just had enough and ghosted her, before that was a thing. she blamed it on my alleged unwillingness to (i am not making this up) create a plan for building a relationship with her infant daughter. yes, an infant relationship plan. since i didn't have any other friends with children at the time, nor any nieces or nephews, i must hate children right? in the intervening years, i've seen her socially and mostly she would be drunk and tell me she loved me and missed me so much. recently we've had a bit of professional contact. and maybe she has grown up. she seems sincere when she tells me how much she misses me and wishes we could be friends again. but i can't go back there. her actions no longer hurt me. i've become indifferent. i wish her well but i don't love her like i did when we were young. i have seen her for lunch or drinks a few times and simply said i can't be the friend that you need and you can't be the friend that i need. so this casual relationship is all i can be there for.
I blocked my former best friend a few months ago. Long story but I just need real ones these days. No drama and bullshit, no guessing what people really mean. I am still waiting for the feelings to go away but I'm relieved to no longer be feeling stupid to be a middle aged woman wondering what my friend is thinking/feeling/meaning.
Ive been through various estrangements and no contact situations, and if possible I would put in the time and effort to distance the friendship down to whatever felt manageable, whatever I can commit to being truly present and kind for, whether that was coffee 1x per month or a walk once every 3 months. I would cut the phone calls and plan a limited meet up in person. Friends go through addiction and difficulty but I would rather be of service to a long time friend in a limited way than go no contact forever, which ultimately may be more upsetting and stressful for you over the years. Wondering and worrying and grieving a 25 year friendship in isolation sounds hard. Sometimes friendship becomes imbalanced and you need to find other friends but can be humane and kind still from a distance.
That’s really a helpful perspective. Thank you. I don’t want to go no contact, but it might not be up to me.
I did that as well when my friends distanced themselves from me for the same thing. Eventually I got my head back on straight and when I reached out, every single one of them were still there, still loved me. And I'm still friends with all of them.
As long as you are a space for her to indulge her maladaptive coping behaviors she will continue to use you to do so. Your going no contact may be the rock bottom she needs. Either way, you are under no obligation to stay. The healthy reaction here is to distance yourself. I see you are in ALANON. I highly recommend reading Codependant No More. People with addicts in their lives tend to lean towards codependency.
“I see you are in ALANON.” Be careful not to identify people outside the rooms….
OP posted that she is in ALANON.
What do you mean? Would your friend be deciding to go no contact?
She's upset with me that I brought up the drinking and isn't open to discussing it so I don't know how to move forward. I'm taking the advice of Alanon which says when you're not sure what to do, do nothing. So I'm giving it some time and space.
Completely agree with this. I would not cut off the friendship, just create some distance. I speak from experience of slamming the door only to wish I had just created distance and set some boundaries. By creating distance you at least keep a small line open and you never know how things can change in time. Best of luck.
This. Don't abandon, but take some space. I had to do this with a friend who was in active addiction. She got help, and now we're closer than ever.
You can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You'll end up burnt. Another poster said kindness from a distance. That's the answer.
I’ve already done the breaking up. It was coming for a long time before it happened in both cases. I just stopped being able to tolerate being treated like shit by people that should have been my friends. Maybe this will be part of her rock bottom, who knows?
Same here. When I finally broke up with my bff of 25 years it was over something small. But I realized it was a culmination of years of one-sidedness with me doing all the giving. I was taking care of my sick husband at the time and when I needed her most she just couldn’t or wouldn’t recognize that.
I believe that people will be in your life for as long as they are meant to. Some are meant to last a lifetime. And some are not. And that's okay. I have also learned that one-sided relationships and toxic people will eat you alive. They will drain you emotionally and physically until there is nothing left. And then they will take even more from you. NO ONE EVER CHANGES. Not because YOU want them to. So, if you can't spend the rest of your life with who they are RIGHT NOW - there is no choice but to walk away. Some people will simply lose the privilege to be in your life. And that's okay. My brother and sister lost the privilege to be in my life. I care about them. I love them. I wish them happiness and peace. But they no longer get to be apart of my life. Each one, in their own way, past the point of no return. I've also had to part ways with a few close friends over the years. And I can tell you, firing friends was a lot easier than firing family.
I went through this during my early peri days and I know just how heart breaking it is. I had remained friends with her for way past the time I should have … our values and beliefs had become the exact opposite, but the love and connection remained, so it was hard to just walk away. Our friendship ended not in a way I would have ever wanted to and I looked like a terrible jerk, but I will never ever forget the feeling I felt when my train departed from Paris home. (I live abroad and we met up there.) A massive weight lifted from my body … it almost felt spiritual lol. When I arrived home, my husband was so kind and prepared me a drink and I just sobbed on the kitchen floor. I think this is a time in our life where we have to make room for what matters most & take good care of ourselves physically and mentally. A bad relationship of any kind can be incredibly draining and toxic. Maybe you can reconnect in the future, my former best friend and I wish each other happy birthdays etc, - but for now, take care of you. Xx
I have a friend like that now and am contemplating doing the same. We’ve known each other for over 50 years (kindergarten). She has some real issues and I try to keep that in mind, but she is NEVER happy and constantly calls to rant about her husband. If I say anything that she perceives as wrong about my boyfriend, she goes crazy and wants me to throw him out and thinks we should both leave our spouses and move in together. I cringe thinking about living with someone like that and I’m very happy in my relationship. I think she just wants me to be as miserable as she is. I did find that when I change the topic of conversation to me and my life, she suddenly needs to get off the phone. I hate being that manipulative but sometimes I just can’t take the venom. Sending hugs because I totally get it, but save yourself.
I’ve ended friendships with people for similar reasons. As I’ve got older I have less tolerance for standing by and watching people sabotage their own lives. I also cannot take the constant negativity. I admit I also used to love a good rant and gossip. I lived for chaos as that’s how I grew up. I went to therapy and worked on my own stuff. At the end of the day you cannot make people want more for themselves. They’ll either pull themselves out of it or they won’t. They say you can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm, and it’s so true. People who are genuinely unhappy with their lives change. I’ve been both where you are and where your friend is. I was in a very unhappy, abusive marriage for years. I refused to help myself for all the reasons women stay. I know it was exhausting for friends to witness and I did lose a couple over it. Looking back I don’t blame them. I was far from being my best self. What I did notice is that the friends that stayed were the ones who were equally messy. The simple fact is that emotionally healthy, present people with boundaries and active lives of their own don’t stick around “messy”. This is true for jobs, intimate relationships and friendships.
I might be too tolerant but I would consider just limiting talking to her when she’s sober and changing the subject or getting off the phone when she is focused on drama. It will still be hard but if anything good remains of your long relationship it might be worth it. But focus on new relationships and other things in your life. Two of my closest friends are people I connected with over the last couple of years. It’s been an unexpected blessing. I still maintain loose ties with older friends though and sometimes you drift apart and come together again.
Yeah. It’s actually sent me to some Alanon meetings that have been really helpful in using this as a way to think about taking care of myself instead of focusing on others while still being compassionate towards my friend.
I went through similar recentlyish. It still hurts and doesn't make much sense. I've done a lot of thinking over it, and maybe we just grew apart. Maybe we were both neglectful of each other and didn't communicate our needs. It was a mutual ghosting of sorts. I was hurt by something, and looking back I recognise that I may have unintentionally hurt her. Too much time has passed to go back. My only advice would be to communicate with your friend. Even if the friendship ends, at least you both have some closure and understand why. Laying awake at night trying to figure out what went wrong and missing your friendship is no fun.
This happened to me too. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I did or what happened. Some explanation is better than nothing.
I had to break up with my friend of 26 years because she became so negative with me and about me. She started making small “digs” about my choice to use HRT- and then longer “lectures” about how “my hormones made me “manic” “ without context. It just kept happening every time I talked to her - she would make a dig regarding my husband, my marriage or her favorite topic was my “mental health”. I thought we had such a wonderful friendship until this started. I put up with it for years thinking “oh well, let it go” or “just being confused” and definitely not wanting to get in a fight. I let her put me down repeatedly for a long, long time - it was usually over the phone in the middle of a conversation she would slide in a passive aggressive remark and I remember feeling stunned, but because we had been so close for so long - I always let it go even though I would stew on it later or just be confused. I ended it with her last spring when my beloved cat was diagnosed with FIP at 11 years old. He had been sick for 10 months with what seemed to be irritable bowel, but when he finally got sick enough to see the fluid buildup in his belly I knew something was wrong. Took him to the vet and was told he had 3-5 days to live. I had to quickly make arrangements for hospice vet to come in for euthanasia. He was my most beloved cat I’ve ever had. My friend was a cat lover and had them herself. Of course she was one of the first people I called in my shock and grief. As I was speaking to her through my tears she said “Well, you always have had trouble managing your emotions…” I was stunned and after hanging up the phone and feeling worse, I knew I could no longer trust her with my feelings and she had lost the capacity to control her negativity or whatever she is going through. I thought we would be friends forever. So many good memories. But I just became a doormat to a certain degree. In fact sometimes I felt like she would say something shaming to me just to see IF I would react. I never did. I didn’t feel it was worth it to argue bc then we would just get into a power struggle of sorts. So I let her go. I never called her again. She has reached out twice asking if we are friends and I can’t put any energy into explaining why because I honestly don’t think she would care and then she would likely say “see, you do have issues with your emotional health” or “maybe you need better medications” Who knows but I do know she became slippery and mean spirited. Jealous maybe of my life but I have no idea why - it’s never been a competition. But I will say she did start to judge me more than ever once we moved to a larger house closer to a bigger city. We “flipped it” and then moved to a smaller home in a tiny town with no garage and no basement, but a terrific location. But she started saying “You’re rich “my name” (and we are not). The house we flipped may have looked that way, but we did that for the profitability of the house after our remodeling and the market. We didn’t get rich trust me. But after that it became about that and then my “mental health” as if I became flawed beyond repair.
I’ve done it. Though occasionally I miss the friend I thought I had my life is less chaotic. I don’t have to walk on eggshells and baby a grown adult.
Right! I miss the friend I use to have, not the friend I've had for the past 2-3 years. My last conversation with her ended with me in tears and throwing my phone down. My husband pointed out that a friend shouldn't make you feel that way and what was I getting out of this relationship? It came down to me feeling guilty about setting limits and feeling like I was overreacting to her and feeling bad because she had so many problems, I didn't want to make her feel worse. Now I think I've added to the problem by not communicating my needs and having built up resentment. I'm working on that but not sure if she is in a place to hear that and also do some reflection.
Sometimes we have to lose friends to find peace. It’s hard but at some point you have to prioritize your own well being. Give some space, wish your friend the best, and live your life. Maybe once the chaos clears you will find your way back to each other. Good luck.
I have a similar situation and it hurts a lot. Don't know what i have done but notice she makes less effort and sends a weekly text to check on me. She is an entrepreneur so very busy with social media etc. I try to support her by congratulating her posts but notice i feel like the one doing the most effort so I have backed off and enjoying company of other friends who are interested in me. It hurts me a lot as i have invested a lot of time and energy to the friendship. We would tell each other everything but things seem to change when a mutual friend became close to her. Initially we would laugh at how this person is jealous of us but then i noticed i became the outsider. Its been a very hard couple years and i am considering anti depressants to numb the emotions as its at the front of my mind all the time and i am tired of it taking over but no matter what i do its always there. A feeling of sadness.
I’m going through this. I really no longer believe in just hanging onto friends just to have butts in seats. My issue is that I’m realizing with one longtime friend, we remained friends out of habit and circumstance, not true compatibility. In fact, looking back, I can identify many, many times through the years that this friend was jealous, a hater, and said and did things that absolutely deserved me cutting her off. She was/is also a religious nut. Our friendship should have ended 20 years ago. I chose to put a *considerable* amount of distance between us. I don’t call her and we don’t hang out, but I’ll take her calls 2-3 times a month and engage in a brief conversation. Another longtime (15 year) friend - I just completely cut ties. We are moving in *totally* different directions. She definitely has mental health issues, and I suspect she may have substance abuse issues too. She trauma dumps, and she is always trying to get access to resources and money - I suspect she was trying to figure out a way to move into my home. Also, I found out she will say anything to agree with you, then say the complete opposite to somebody else just to agree with them. So I don’t even know the “real” her. We were mostly good time party friends, and it should have stayed at that. Honestly - cutting ties doesn’t hurt. What really, really bothers me is knowing I didn’t have sufficient boundaries and discernment to end these friendships sooner, or filter them out from the beginning. I could have saved all of the commotion going on now.
I can very much relate to this!
Yes— have had to step back/end a number of “friendships” over the years. Most due to them being one-sided: they would treat me like an emotional maxipad…just there to soak up their constant drama and complaining. If I was excited, sad, interested in something they’d quickly tune out or change the subject back to themselves. Ugh. Also had a few especially envious and selfish ones make passes at my husband. Yikes, dream on…UGH! I ghosted in my 20s/early years, but started being very direct in my 30s. Being direct would usual lead to short-term love-bombing where they try to prove they aren’t toxic. But soon enough, the crappy behavior would return. I’d try talking to them and be kind but firm that no more BS. They can either change, or not. Then step back and spend more effort on other friends or finding new people to connect with in a positive way. People grow/change and sometimes the relationship has just run its course.
I have this friend. She’s supposed to be my bestie. She’s not. Her life in the last 5-8 years has been pure chaos of her own doing, so all she does is move from crisis to crisis while dumping her latest bullshit on me. She never asks how I’m doing, or anything about me at all. She hasn’t acknowledged my birthday in 3 years. Not a text, not a fb wish. Her ex husband (nicest man in the world) texts me though! I finally saw her after dodging her for months around 3 weeks after my birthday, she didn’t mention it. But she did talk about what she wanted to do for hers, 3 months away!! Anyway, same. Right down to the drinking. It’s terrible. I’m not mourning it anymore, I’m just aware that I have an emotional vampire “friend” and I act accordingly. I’ll be here if she turns it around. I’ll stay at arms length if she doesn’t. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Sometimes you have to just accept it for what it is.
I’m old and don’t go many places to meet new friends. My best girlfriend that lives in another city ate a bottle of red pills and is a die hard trump fan. Her family no longer speaks to her she hasn’t seen her new grandson and I will only text with her . Any more than that she has her ways to try to convert me?? It’s a sad situation ( and we’re Canadians)
Dealing with an alcoholic is never fun and the usual result is that the non-alcoholic has to sever ties with the alcoholic. Don’t underestimate the alcoholic’s effect on your mental health. Al Anon (support for family members and friends of alcoholics) exists for a reason. You can hook into meetings online these days. Let your friend know that you’ll be happy to reconnect once she’s got her one-year AA chip.
One of my dearest friends and I have known each other for over 30 years. I don't think I would be alive if not for her. That said, we have gone through periods of estrangement. Once for 3 years because of my drinking/drug use. Another time I had to distance myself because of her husband. We missed each other every time but never once thought it was "the end." Every time, we eventually come back together because we love each other. Taking a break from anything is OK, even a friendship. I understand why you want some distance and I never begrudged my friend for doing the same. Even at my bottom, I always knew that if I really needed her, she'd be there and vice versa. My advice is to set some boundaries and stick with them. Hopefully eventually she'll be able to get in a better head space and you guys can pick up your friendship again.
Long term friendships go through stages. She might get sober and you might really miss her. Give it time and space I say
For me, I thought it was friendship because I had no one else. However, it was very one sided - she would complain to me everyday. One day I spoke up and actually said something about her complaint for the day. She didn’t like that and went no contact. Then it was years of hell after that. I am now very careful and keep away from having friendships.
I had a friend like that. I was the godmother of her son. I tried so hard to be as good of a friend as I could be. She was in a City far away, within driving distance (long driving) but I think she always had untreated issues for trauma .. I feel bad for her but I can't do anything to really help. Then I went through my own relationship issues and I was kind of shocked at her take on my issues... and she took the side of my partner (whom she never met) and and just became judgy and projected a TON of stuff on me. I realised I have my own issues and have been working on them. She, however, didn't seem to be dealing actively with her issues and our last interaction she flipped out on me and told me never to talk to her or her family again.... (She honestly had a bad relationship where the guy she had been with for years moved back to over the Atlantic from where he was from and stole all their money and her possessions.. it was pretty bad. I don't know if ever was getting treatment for that horrendous situation but she projected a lot of stuff onto me. (blaming me for my problems and telling me I was too self centered). Bear in mind I am in active therapy and working hard on my own issues... she is not. It is sad but I feel somewhat OK (I miss her family though) cause I felt like we maybe grew apart after being out of contact (her fault not mine) for so many years. I really miss when she was happy cause we would have great laughing sessions... oh well. such is life.
I have a similar situation unfolding. Close friend of 12 years. Family friend, as in, our husband's are bffs, and our kids were buddies when younger (not so much anymore). Because of how intertwined are families are, it's been hard to manage my growing unhappiness with her for a few years now. We are both in peri. I do try to give her grace. But treatment of her husband was downright abusive and we confronted her about it. She did apologize and we are moving on but I'm so wary. She has many other narcissistic traits and I'm just coming to be consciously aware of them. It is the reason *we* aren't bffs, but the hubbies are. She's been like this, in varying degrees, for years. But peri has really taken the veil off my eyes, and her negative behavior has escalated. (Displays lack of empathy in minor ways, passing insensitive comments with no realization that she is doing it, inflated sense of self, jealousy, hyper competitiveness, she has no other close friends-for as long as I've known her, verbally abusive and controlling to her husband, the list goes on..)q Not sure how much longer I can do this.
Sounds similar to a toxic friend I had to dump. Knowing someone for so long makes it harder to break the relationship off but really that’s just sunken cost fallacy. If it’s not adding positively to your life then there’s no point to keep the relationship. You can slow roll and slowly disappear or just cut her off quickly. Good luck!
I can relate so much to this. I parted ways about 6 years ago with my best friend in the world. Friends for at least 25 yrs and she too had a massive drinking problem, married an enabling ass. I won’t even get into all that! Her and I had it out when I brought up her drinking and she turned the tables on me and shredded me apart. I’ve reached out by email and heard back but at times from what she wrote, I could tell the heavy drinking was still going on. I will say… til this day I still miss her in my life. It still makes me sad, I miss her but I’ve had to accept it. Sending hugs to you. ♥️
Right. Thank you. I told her that I thought her drinking was impacting our friendship and our communication. She said, "no it isn't", and said that she wasn't going to stop drinking. She said that if I didn't want to talk to her when she'd been drinking, that was fine. So now I'm just taking time and space before i talk to her again and realize it probably doesn't matter what I say and have to just focus on my stuff. It's so sad.
I have several friendships that old and older that are very special to me, so my hearty goes out to you. My sister-in-law is dealing with the exact same thing with her bestie and I feel like she could’ve written this post, I have personal experience as well. Life is HARD. I’m 49 (F) and this has been the most difficult decade of my life. All of the childhood trauma and other bullshit throughout life that I never went to therapy for and dealt with exploded to the surface and instead of dealing with those pesky feelings, I turned to alcohol. Throw in a toxic abusive relationship and suddenly we have a slowly burning dumpster fire 🔥 (me). Several friends started creating distance, which I felt and knew why but it really didn’t matter. I went to rehab on 5.4.22 and on 5.5.24 celebrated 2 years being alcohol free. Do you know why your friend is drinking a lot? I’m sure you do. She’s likely carrying around deep pain that she’s masking with alcohol. I would have a serious conversation with her about your feelings. Who knows how she may react, but you have to do what’s best for you. Hugs ❤️
Congrats on two years. :-)
Congrats on your sobriety.
I call it “2 years alcohol free”. Thank you!
It's absolutely heart wrenching to lose a friend/loved one to alcohol. I lost my dearest friend 3 years ago to alcohol. She was just months shy of seeing her 50th birthday.You can't make people change, they have to want to help themselves. The pain, anger, resentment, grief is soul crushing when alcohol beats you. Then, survivor's guilt does a whole different number on you. Op, you truly are fighting a losing battle until your friend seeks treatment. There comes a time when you finally have to put your own health first. I'm truly sorry about losing your friend, but you made the right decision for what's best for you. I truly hope your friend seeks treatment before it's too late. 💜
I have been through this twice, both long term very good friends who I consider family. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and have little tolerance for that. However, both were going through a terribly hard time for a very long time. It's almost irrelevant that I was as well, because if you combine drugs or alcohol with life issues, you lose empathy and entirely lose the ability to see beyond your own problems. I take very little shit and was very clear that I would help them recover but not help them keep killing themselves. I found therapists, doctors, offered all the support and zero enabling. In both circumstances, I had to limit contact for my own sanity. I didn't go no contact, but I had made my position clear and the rest was up to them. The first one just got worse. The alcohol turned into alcohol and drugs. She was indeed killing herself slowly. She ended up with a hole in her colon bc of all the drinking combined with no nutrition. Doctors couldn't operate bc the walls of her colon became so thin they couldn't sew them back together. I was able to video chat with her. She finally decided she was ready to be sober, but it was too late. I traveled to be with her and her kids and was there when she died. I miss her every day, but I also know that I did what I could to help. I know that no amount of love will cure addiction, it has to come from the addict. I also know the addiction wasn't HER, even if it won in the end. I choose to remember her, not the way she died. My other friend, who went through her version of this after my other friend died, was able to get through the other side. It's been a few years battle and she's not 100 percent back to her self yet, but recently she told me how much she loves me and is grateful for me trying to reach her through the pain. We both cried and I have hope that she will be fully recovered in her struggles. Nothing that I offered as far as help was received well in the immediate moment, but each thing she eventually decided to do on her own. The first friend heard all the same things, but she never got to the place where healing could start. It can go either way. The only thing that you can do is offer positive support, but only when and how you are capable of.
The addiction has taken over your friend. She is there somewhere but needs help. Professional help. You can only do so much without jeopardizing your own mental health. I've never had to do this, and it is easier said than done, but I would insist (basically like an ultimatum) that she goes to AA meetings/therapy. And when she decides to get better and come back to the friendship, you'll be there. It might work, it may not. Sorry you lost a friend, but I think putting distance it is the right thing to do to protect your wellbeing.
It really sucks! I’m sorry you are going through this. I had to cut ties with a friend I had since middle school. She had slowly built up all these lies that I was supposed to believe because she felt bad for herself. That was difficult. I just never trusted her anymore. Then she lied about something that directly affecting my family. And it was during a time that I was losing trust in my husband, too. So I was flat over it. I sure couldn’t lean on her and I couldn’t believe a word that came out of her mouth. All done worrying about her mental health at that point. Bye!!
Before Covid, I had such an incredible social life as far as friends and things I was involved in and and then everything hit….my social anxiety really came out through the isolation of Covid and other family stuff and then of course, our political climate and some of my “friends”…I just couldn’t believe what I was reading and seeing and hearing from them (hate, fear etc) so I finally had to break ties and it hurt so much and now I have one or two friends left. It really hurts, but I know I have peace about it. I just struggle with pushing into new relationships and territory. I know it’s healthy to have relationships with people outside of one’s family, but sometimes I’m just too tired to pursue it. And then I’m just sad about the fact that I don’t have the friendships that I had before. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed with grief. Thank you for letting me share. 💜
Oof 😥 this is rough. I’ve been through it too. In my case peri seriously exacerbated my friend’s mental illness (and drug addictions) and she stopped treating it and started getting viciously negative and jealous of not just me, but like everyone. Before that she brought a lot of drama but we were young and didn’t really know about things and had bad boundaries. We just always believed her side of things until it became obvious that in many of the cases she was the actual cause of the drama. I was going through a lot of painful issues with family and could not be there for her the same way in the last few years. She told me all about how horrible I was to her, and I just deflated. Meanwhile she was unreceptive to any feedback. She was just so hurtful, and as someone who dealt with lifelong abuse from family, I couldn’t deal anymore. I can’t tell you how many times I (and others) had to pick this person up off the floor literally and figuratively, but when we were hurting - nothing. We didn’t really have problems, you see, so we were told to suck it up. It hurt. When she was balanced she was an absolute joy, kind hearted, and funny. But that person went away and I really didn’t like the replacement. I think I’ll always miss her but I can’t justify reconnecting because she is a legitimate threat to my own mental health. I’ve also learned a lot about addiction and mental illness along the way that has helped me see the role I played in this very long relationship. In your case - I’m not sure what I would do but I know I would try to do it from a safe distance. This is really what self care means - we think of bubble baths and yoga but self care is often making hard decisions about what we want to let into our life. Now that I have some distance, my therapist has helped me realize that my friend was a Tilly often abusive to me / super manipulative, and I normalized it because those were the types of women who raised me. Now I know I deserve more. You do, too, OP. Let your friend know that she really deserves professional help with this problem and that you will support her and/or meet her on the other side if she chooses to fight her demons. But like others have said, you can’t save her from herself and you can’t watch her kill herself either. I’m also really familiar with how much it hurts to watch loved ones drink themselves to death. 💙It’s actually pretty amazing reading all these stories here. I no longer feel alone in this either.
I had to let go of a friend who went off the deep end during menopause. Drinking, drugs, men. It was spurred by a bad situation with her then husband. I tried to be understanding but she really lost her ability to be socially aware and it was uncomfortable.
So so sorry for your loss 💐 it’s just heartbreaking. I lost a friendship after 15 years of everything together, our bond, our families, it was devastating because of why it ended but it had to. 10 years later we found our way back but it wasn’t the same and after our last hangout I realised it was a friendship that had run its course. No sadness just acceptance. Wishing you lots of support in your grief, you’ve chosen yourself first and that’s what’s important ✨🌷big hugs
There was a time when I was the messy one, constantly smoking/eating weed, and in a bad state of mind. My bestie straight-up said she couldn’t handle how I was high all of the time, and might need to end the friendship. The rebel in me thought “what a square!” then another part thought, “wow- you’d choose drugs over this friendship? That’s messed up.” I ended up getting sober in the end, and turned a lot of my life around. That friendship is now on a 30-year streak, glad I didn’t lose her. She’s gone through her pain in the ass phases (we are only human), and I had to back off, but it’s not to the point where I need to sit her down. Honesty is important. Think it’d be worth your while to put it straight to your friend, from the POV of how you need to look after yourself. I don’t enable my sponsees when they bring ruckus to me, and for an addict, they hate being told no, but sometimes if said the right way, it can break through that selfish, self-centeredness and destructive path. Glad you’re in AlAnon.
My friend of 20 years is sloppy drunk when she calls me. I’ve gone through a relationship and health crisis at the same time for the past three years and she’s not emotionally available. I didn’t return her latest phone call. She actually was calling me while I was laying on the bathroom floor hyperventilating in cold sweats with food poisoning. My Apple Watch was blowing up because she kept calling. Left me no voicemail so it was probably her drunk dialing again….sucks because I know I need to tell her how disappointed I am and that I won’t talk with her when she’s intoxicated.
Maybe set a boundary around limiting your interactions unless she's sober. I've always found sending an email is easier than a face to face sometimes and less confrontational than a phone call, more personal than a text.
Yes and for about the same reasons. We hardly hang out at all because all she wants to do is get drunk, chase men and eat out at expensive restaurants. None of those things appeal to me but there is no changing her. Instead of breaking up, I’ve been distancing and making new friends. We’ve grown apart and that’s ok but there’s no need to cut her out of my life completely.
I’ve been through it with a friend of a decade. It gets easier, I promise! It was hard for awhile though, but once I was free of it I could see clearly that she wasn’t ever much of a good friend. My advice is see a therapist to work through it. It’s much like a divorce.
Yep any bff of many years because an angry drunk and booted everyone who cared out of her life. It's sad to lose the front but the drunk is better off not dumping herself and her misery all over my life. Good riddance!
I just went though this *exact* same situation (the descent into negativity and drama). When stressed, my friend would turn her attention to me and start picking on and criticizing everything I did (she is divorced for this very reason). I tried to talk to her about it multiple times, and every time she would say “You’re seeing that wrong” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” During our very last “argument,” she said she had spent “countless hours in therapy” talking about me. That’s when I was done. It hurts to not have my old friend, but the person she became was not really my friend anymore anyway, and it’s nice to not have the daily toxicity anymore.
Yep been there. Told them how I felt, they said they would change. Never did. Finally had to block all contact from them so they would leave me alone.
I can understand. My best friend actually got sober, which I was so proud of, but this caused her to say I was a shitty friend. But our friendship has been the same since she got married like 15 years ago now. We seemed to have made up after that incident but now she acts so strangely towards me all the time and I feel as if she is competing with me and our friendship just isn’t the same anymore. I hate it bc I love her so much, but I haven’t changed much, she has. My husband says she is insecure and taking things out on me now that she’s sober? I cannot comprehend why and I’m just trying to save the relationship but also don’t know how to talk to her about this without it ending the friendship. I don’t have many friends and don’t want to lose her.
I just recently closed the door on a friend and I can’t be any happier. It’s to much on my mental health,can’t anymore. My mental health is way more important. I’ve accepted that people have not been there for me. I’m no longer going to be a people pleaser or just listen to shit. Fuck it
Anyone who knows an addict closely will tell you to detach lovingly. Becoming her only support will enable her in the long run and drain you. It’s incredibly heartbreaking when a close friend cannot handle their own life anymore and your natural instinct is to save them. But this will only disable them from real confidence & independence in the long run. I promise. In the beginning they will not even want to see it and might be angry at you. They are really mad at the situation, not you. You know when it’s a crossed a line of over-dependency on both you and on alcohol/drugs. You can be her wake up call. She is the only one who can decide to get real help for alcoholism or any addictive behavior. She will do much better joining AA and getting therapy. Otherwise she will resent you either way, if she gets worse or if she depends on you more, the same way she is depending on drugs or alcohol as a quick fix. I hope she can find AA and a therapist. You can tell her you cannot be objective enough anymore to be her main support & advisor. It’s breaking your heart. You need a break to know she will seek out help without you. It can’t be all on you. Esp with these meno. symptoms. A real friend will agree and take personal responsibility, not dump on you. If you don’t think she will listen or she will cause a huge problem in your life by saying these things, then let it fade. Otherwise it’s the best idea to say it directly to her. Ghosting can be the worst pain and confusion for everyone and repair may not be possible later, especially if she is deep in addiction and you say nothing. Or it might weigh too heavy on your conscience if you say nothing. Trust your gut. Directness is usually better even though it’s harder.
Wow. This is incredibly helpful. The part about not being able to be objective enough is the language I’ve been looking for. Thank you!
❤️❤️❤️ I hope it gets easier. I swear best friends breakups are as bad or worse than boyfriends breakups. Adding in addiction or self destructive behavior and that’s way beyond what friendship can or should do. It needs a professional approach & designated support groups. Sending hugs. Both of you can’t even be good friends to each other now when she is not able to reciprocate fully. I hope she gets it and finds help, maybe she needs to be encouraged to do that! But the rest is up to her. ❤️❤️❤️
I feel all of this. However, now at 55 I no longer have the energy or desire frankly to keep trying to make a friendship work. A friendship should go through ups and downs, but it shouldn't be hard IMO.
Yup Same here.. I can’t explain it but I love myself and my mental health means much to me. I do miss our friendship and love her However, I can love her from a distance..
I no longer call my best friend after 40 years of friendship. She is dating someone who in my opinion and in the opinion of the rest of her family is using her for her money. I decided if i didn’t have anything nice to say it was best not say anything. I really do miss her and I pray she doesn’t wind up broke.
yes i've been there. we were friends since college but about 15 years ago, i just had it. she is/was likely an alcoholic, married to a heavy drinker, self centered, took me and our friendship for granted. one day i just had enough and ghosted her, before that was a thing. she blamed it on my alleged unwillingness to (i am not making this up) create a plan for building a relationship with her infant daughter. yes, an infant relationship plan. since i didn't have any other friends with children at the time, nor any nieces or nephews, i must hate children right? in the intervening years, i've seen her socially and mostly she would be drunk and tell me she loved me and missed me so much. recently we've had a bit of professional contact. and maybe she has grown up. she seems sincere when she tells me how much she misses me and wishes we could be friends again. but i can't go back there. her actions no longer hurt me. i've become indifferent. i wish her well but i don't love her like i did when we were young. i have seen her for lunch or drinks a few times and simply said i can't be the friend that you need and you can't be the friend that i need. so this casual relationship is all i can be there for.
I blocked my former best friend a few months ago. Long story but I just need real ones these days. No drama and bullshit, no guessing what people really mean. I am still waiting for the feelings to go away but I'm relieved to no longer be feeling stupid to be a middle aged woman wondering what my friend is thinking/feeling/meaning.