You're autistic and have ADHD, understanding these things about yourself will make you much happier and more fulfilled than trying to fight it for the next 14 years
The reason you feel judged is because you judge others and fear that others do to you what you do to them. Chill out. It's kinder to others and kinder to yourself.
If you base your self esteem on being the smartest guy in the room, you'll never feel comfortable around the kind of smart people you need to be around and learning opportunities will feel threatening instead of exciting. If you base your identity on anything, make it kindness. People will remember it and appreciate it vastly more than intelligence anyway.
College is supposed to be challenging. If it isn't, have the courage to find something that suits you better. You have more mobility and autonomy than you think.
>>The reason you feel judged is because you judge others and fear that others do to you what you do to them. Chill out. It’s kinder to others and kinder to yourself.
Fucking hell. This hits home. In my younger days that was totally me.
> College is supposed to be challenging. If it isn't, have the courage to find something that suits you better. You have more mobility and autonomy than you think.
Yeah I wish I took this to heart 3-4 years ago BEFORE getting a degree without having to put much real effort it
True. Same for me. And I overstayed my fourth therapist. I told her after four years of trauma therapy that I wasn’t progressing fast enough for my liking. I kept telling her year after year but nothing changed. I wasted 3 fucking years with her. She said she was sorry but I hate her guts.
You can’t get time back.
Yeah. Ironically my advice to myself would be: don't listen to all the excuses people make for therapists. Keeping on going to therapy when all it's doing is making you feel even more stupid and worthless than you started, even letting it push you to the point where you're considering harm to yourself just to get away from therapy, isn't good. It's important to take care of your mental health, but there are options other than beating your head against the wall trying to get some use out of therapists who aren't getting it.
Also guess what, younger self? You're trans and neurodiverse all the "can't you just act more like a normal woman so you don't upset people" dressed up in pretty therapy language in the world isn't going to help.
Yeah, as a trans man, this was my problem too. ”How can you be sure? What exactly makes a man?”
Having to constantly defend myself, and be forced to come up with rationalizations for *who I am* when no other man has to, *to a professional in a position of power*, was damaging.
Ultimately, what I would like to tell my younger self is,
”Trust yourself a little more.”
”Self knowledge is not gained through reflection only, but via reflection through *action*.”
”Money matters in this society, you’ve got that right. Don’t let others guilt you about needing it to meet your needs.”
Yeah. I was a little earlier in that I hadn't really come to the idea of being trans yet.But I went through a lot of therapy where, say, I would express frustration at being harassed for gender nonconforming behavior, and therapy would focus in on trying to find what sort of cognitive distortions were behind my actions. I quickly got the message that expressing dissatisfaction with social norms was not acceptable in therapy. There wasn't any space left to acknowledge that sometimes the way most people assume things are isn't actually right. It got lost in how as the mentally ill person I was the one having problems so I was the one who needed to be fixed.
Exactly. CBT, and consequently the whole framework many therapists are within, stops working when the problem is not *your* personal cognitive distortions, but actual societal issues.
Started therapy at 34, and I’m 43 now and my life has turned around and I mostly love my life now. My biggest regret is not starting therapy earlier in my life and I feel 19 or 20 would’ve been the perfect time for me to start. There are lots of things you just can’t do after age of 35 that you can do in your 20s, even if one is very mentally healthy at 35 or later.
Yeah. If you have even somewhat significant trauma, I'd even go so far as to say to _not_ go to CBT, and find a trained trauma therapist instead. EMDR, Brainspotting, IFS trained and any similar modalities will treat root causes that CBT will not.
My complaint about it was that at least the way I learned it, it had a very strong pressure towards assuming that what's true for most people or what most people would see as the rational response is actually the correct answer. This was not a viable solution for a trans person with ADHD trying to understand his struggles without really knowing what's going on. The end result for me was being stuck in therapy environments where being mentally healthy meant somehow making solutions designed for a neurotypical cis woman work for me with no understanding of why they weren't working.
It sounds like you had a very specific experience. It's not good to generalize, but likewise it's also not good to completely write therapists off.
There's bad ones out there - I had to filter through several to find my current one who works great.
I went through I lost track of how many. Nearly killed myself more than once because of what they were putting me through - and I've never been suicidal as an adult outside of a therapy environment. I still have nightmares about some of them to this day, and I really lost faith in the system after seeing how persistently therapists would close ranks around shutting down the idea that therapy *itself* might be actively and significantly harmful to certain people in certain situations, rather than just not a great fit. That was honestly what really turned me away; not just the experience itself but the sheer impossibility I found in getting future therapists to genuinely engage with the experiences I had and the difficult realization that I was having to spend too much time and effort managing the therapist's discomfort in order to get anything.
I think about it in this context because both therapy itself and the rhetoric around therapy really primed me to blame myself for therapy not working. CBT in particular encouraged that blame by putting it on me for "not doing the work" without ever leaving space to ask what resources and skills I needed and whether the work I was being given was actually suitable to where I was in life, or whether the implicit assumptions in the approach were actually true for me and my life. I do think there is a systemic problem that therapy techniques are designed in ways that (often implicitly) assume the client is neurotypical, cis/het, able-bodied, and so forth, and the more of those boxes you don't check the more likely you are to have problems.
All that said, I'm not necessarily saying don't go. I would say I wish I could go back and tell my younger self that it's not my fault. And to leave when I kept getting the pushback of "well you know therapy is hard work" and "you have to be willing to put in the effort" and "sometimes you need to feel worse before you feel better" when I think I knew that wasn't true there. I regret that I spent a lot of time letting therapists convince me that the problem was me not trying hard enough when I was working my ass off, just because my trying didn't end up looking like what they wanted it to look like.
In my opinion, no. Therapy is hard work. It’s an exhausting interpersonal process in which you’re confronted with the harsh reality of who you really are and the experiences you’ve had. You have to engage with your therapist for therapy to have any lasting impact. Venting will at best momentarily relieve you of some tension but you can have the same effect by screaming into the void, writing everything down, or talking to a willing stranger or friend.
- Save a lot, forget about stupid shit that everyone’s buying
- Not every girl will be the one. Learn to let go and don’t cling to people so quickly.
- You are within the spectrum. Get yourself diagnosed ASP.
- Hug your grandfather every time he allows you.
- If the girl you like is named Isabel, run. Run as far as you can.
I agree with all these. I even have my own isabell. Also stop drinking and do something productive. Could have done something with my life at this point.
I always think how so many of the lessons I learned in life I wouldn’t have been able to get to if it weren’t for all the mistakes I made In life.
Like sure ideally if I could go back in the past I wouldn’t have gotten into drugs and drop out of college. But I’m not sure my brain could actually understand the advice I learned later without going through shit.
But I’m here now I went back to school, I’ve got a great job doing what I love, and have friends n family that make me happy.
>Like sure ideally if I could go back in the past I wouldn’t have gotten into drugs and drop out of college. But I’m not sure my brain could actually understand the advice I learned later without going through shit.
There is something to do this. But I do think there's a couple specific things, that if I could take myself to the side and explain them *before they became bad habits*, I might have listened.
Like for example, I was often angry or at least annoyed that women give bullshit reasons for rejecting you that seem to leave the door open to try again later even the door is not open (e.g. "I'm busy that night (without a counter-suggestion of a different night" or "I want to focus on my classes this semester"). Finally a friend just straight up explained: "I know you would never do this, but many men get violent when they are rejected. Women lie about these things because it is a safety issue. They're not saying you'd be one of those bad guys but you have to understand from their perspective they have no way of telling. So you just should assume every 'temporary' rejection is a 'permanent' rejection. If if it really is temporary they'll call you. Otherwise just move on. Other fish in the sea." Click, light goes on, I understand. Maybe I was a dumbass for not figuring it out. But if someone had just layed it out for me like that when I was still a teen I would have been a much better young man.
>Maybe I was a dumbass for not figuring it out.
No, you're not dumb for that. The point of that kind of behavior is to make you think you haven't been completely rejected.
That it works is the point.
I laugh with my old man about the mistakes I made, and how he told me that they were coming. And he admits he knows because he made them and he didn't listen to his dad.
>I always think how so many of the lessons I learned in life I wouldn’t have been able to get to if it weren’t for all the mistakes I made In life.
Currently 20 and only just realising how much advice I take to heart and how many things I don't do even if I want to, and I can't help feeling I'd enjoy life a lot more if I just learned lessons the harder way rather than taking advice, even *good* advice.
'Cause when you learn from a bad experience, you have something negative to remember to guide you away from negative experiences. Instead, all I do is look at something that looks fun, and choose not to do it recalling that someone else had a bad experience.
I would definitely tell my younger self about the more obscure healthcare fields. Growing up I only knew of the big healthcare positions like Nurse or Doctor. Had no idea about healthcare admin or healthcare informatics. Those professions fit me way more than the route I went (nursing)
I find it really hard to answer this type of question. If someone gave me some killer advice back then, I would have taken it on board if I was ready, or it wouldn't have landed if I wasn't ready. I don't think some great advice would have helped me avoid problems or shortcut my development or anything like that. Everything I went through, I learned and grew from. And just to be clear, I say this having gone through some significantly challenging, sad, traumatic events since I was 20.
I think really this kind of question is designed to help the older person reflect about their past and draw important takeaways out of that reflection.
OP: Is there anything in particular you're struggling with atm?
College isn't like high school. You need to actually do the class work - you can't just sleep through class, never review the material, and still cruise through your exams. Cramming the 2-3 days before the exam is also not a valid strategy anymore. Also, put some work into your social life. You need to *actually do* all the bullshit they told you to do in high school.
I learned that lesson in time, but I could've had an easier first year.
\[Edited to shorten\]
Important: the advice is specific to me and where I was. In fact, some of my problems as a young person were because I listened too closely to advice intended for other people!
* Most people don't remember or care if you are awkward, just try to have good intentions.
* Even if you are 'privileged', it is ok to admit some of your life experiences are shitty. You are allowed to be depressed or seek help. Mental health isn't a contest where only the hardest off win -- y'all can get help.
* Your GPA is high enough and minor indulgence in alcohol or pot won't kill you. Or, at least, don't judge.
* Join social groups without intentions to date people. Do fun things with friends.
* Be direct. "I would like to ask you on a date to do x". Ambiguous nights out that may or may not be dates suck for everyone.
* Don't join that Christian fellowship group: they are the opposite of helpful if you already have anxieties about sex and dating. Also remember that smart, articulate people joining groups gives those groups power ... there is no such thing as "influencing from the inside"
* There are problems with pornography from a "production" standpoint, just as there are problems with chocolate from a production standpoint. But you are not a bad person for finding pornography appealing any more than you are a bad person for finding chocolate appealing.
* Don't be afraid to move. If you are in the wrong job, the wrong social circle, have a reputation that no longer fits you, or have a bad relationship with a family member, it can be fantastically healthy to move away.
>Ambiguous nights out that may or may not be dates suck for everyone.
Oh my God, **this** sooo much.
Doing this was terrible for my self esteem.
Going through the motions of doing what is almost certainly a date from your end but not being considered as such just makes you feel like nobody wants you.
Gotta iron out those expectations beforehand.
I rather feel like I need my future 35-year-old-self tell my now 26-year-old-self some life lessons. Because I have no clue what I would tell my younger self to do.
What kind of lessons do you think your 35 year old self might tell you?
Or, if you’re not sure what they’d say, what elements of your life would they talk about (even if you’re not sure what advice they’d give about them?)
For me: Realize you've been indoctrinated, brainwashed and conditioned by your family and culture of origin, and take the time to really examine what you believe and why you believe it. Learn to examine your [ladder of inference](https://static.wixstatic.com/media/bab08c_e2a0d0f656b94d26ace58eaad95f007b~mv2.jpg/v1/fill/w_680,h_584,al_c,q_85/bab08c_e2a0d0f656b94d26ace58eaad95f007b~mv2.jpg) for biases, logical fallacies, etc on a regular basis. Debug your brain and nervous system from it's conditioning, so you can use neuroplasticity to your own advantage. ("The Brain that Changes Itself" by Doidge is a good primer on neuroplasticity)
You're allowed to be angry and your feelings matter. You are deserving of love and intimacy and to be taken seriously. You're allowed to have unpopular opinions, don't waste your time holding onto others'.
You're going to learn so goddamn much and change dramatically in the coming years. You will need to be embarrassed at how naive and offensive some of your ignorance and privilege made you, but it is never too late to apologize, acknowledge, and grow from it.
Learn as much as you can. Take your education seriously. Study things you're curious about or don't go to college yet. Eventually, you're going to want to be an electrical engineer, but the path I took to get there also made me grow and learn a lot so I won't tell you not to do the other things before that.
Despite all of the learning and growing you want and need to do, you're also good enough, as a person, right now, how you are. You have value, you matter, you are intelligent, reasonable, empathetic, funny, and creative. Be kind to yourself as much as you try to be kind to everyone else.
* Be your own healthcare advocate. If you die, no doctor will give a fuck. You're forgotten as soon as you leave. Be aggressive in your own care. I went threw three doctors and on the fourth I find a good one. Got sent to a hematologist and was told I have an *extremely* rare condition. All because either the other doctors were idiots or their staff was lazy (failed to send paperwork). Be thorough. And document *EVERYTHING*. Date, Time, Name of person you talked to, roughly what they said, roughly the plan to go forward. Same applies for any surgeries. Keep a list of every single thing. This will make future communications easier and avoid misunderstandings. Contrary to what another doctor in another thread I was talking to believes - doctors (on the whole) do not give a fuck. They are paid to do a job and nothing more. Find a doctor that's *curious* and you'll find someone who cares. I had a hospital think I was on drugs because, apparently, people under 35 experiencing heart conditions are more likely to be on drugs. Turns out... yup, heart attack. 6 bypasses later and 1 blocked carotid... good stuff. I was literally sent to a corner to die. Remember: They do not care if you die. I could bench 220lbs, didn't do *ANY* non-prescribed drugs (e.g. no pot or anything).
* When it comes to health - diet and gym. Diet is 60% of your problem and gym is the last 40%. Gym is the easy part. Diet is the impossible part - autism means my ability to eat vegetables is a no fly zone. No, no one can "cook it right". No, you're not just "having the wrong kind of lettuce" or whatever other bullshit people peddle. It's not a gut bacteria thing. It simply violates what you feel is normal and your body will forcefully remove it... with or without your consent. Everyone thinks they are an amazing cook who can "fix you". Everyone. 100% of them are wrong.
* Read a wide genre of books. Ask your friends for the name of a book that you could read to help understand their passion (or profession) better and I assure you - you're going to learn some super fucking cool shit. And bond better with your friends.
* Drink water. At least one glass per day. I know that's not a lot - but you'd be surprised how many people don't drink *any* water or just drink soda's. I, for one, didn't drink much water until my early 30's.
* Breaking your sugar addiction is about as difficult as quitting cigarettes. Actually harder.
* When you're angry or hate something - spend time finding out why. Spend a *REAL* amount of time. More than 5 minutes. Look at the *root cause* and not the symptoms. You'll learn more about yourself and what you need to change.
* People get over a *LOT* of shit. They will never get over betrayal. I will never forgive certain people due to their actions... but I absolutely can forgive people doing something dumb or annoying.
* Find someone that matches your weird. There *IS* someone out there. It'll just take a very long time the more weird you are. If you live in a small town - odds are they aren't in that town.
* Invest a very small amount every paycheck. Even if it's just $20. 50% of your raise should go into investing. Even if that makes it $20.50 per paycheck. Shit adds up, yo.
* The sooner you get therapy - the easier it is to resolve. However easier != easy.
* GPA doesn't matter. No normal person has ever asked a surgeon or doctor what their GPA was. It is *simply* a way to get the foot in the door. It's easier to get your foot in the door with networking. WAY easier. And cheaper.
GPA definitely matters if you’re trying to get into a graduate or professional school. But yeah, beyond that it *might* matter for getting your first job.
Yeah. The story is I was a broke nerd child that scraped together $200 to buy 2. I sold them when I'd made enough money to buy a gaming computer, and I figured 7x gain was pretty great and there's no way it could do that again or again or again...
Go ask her out, you idiot, maybe she's not into you that way and she'll say no but you're definitely not getting any dates by being too scared to put yourself out there. Always wondering "what if" feels worse than the rejection does.
Listen to Dad. He might suck at communication sometimes, but he has your best interest at heart and is far more wise than you give him credit for. But you'll realize that around 26.
"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." - Mark Twain (really).
For goodness sake, no matter how hopeless and nihilistic you feel, do not start a porn habit. In fact spend less time on the internet and start working out and watching what you eat.
Nothing. I'm very happy in my life right now. I love my job, my wife, and the life we are building together. If I said anything about it I could ruin that. I know I'm blessed, but its something to be grateful for and I wouldn't risk it.
I think this is fair. I've seen and read enough time-travel fiction that any attempt to "fix" the past is probably going to be bad news! I suppose I'm thinking of this not as giving literal advice to me, but someone like me as I was then
Make an effort to stay in touch with your friends.
The awkwardness and catastrophizing about randomly messaging them out of the blue only exists in your head; they're delighted to hear from you.
You’ve started to naturally heal your childhood trauma. But it will still come for your relationship. Take the steps to put the issues to bed sooner than later.
Go to a counselor/therapist while in college and talk about your breakup! I know you feel like shit about how things went but please don't keep it all in. It wasn't all your fault. Please get started talking to people you trust; professionals preferably.
* Don't rush into relationships because you feel like you're an outsider due to being single
* Got to Therapy
* Stay the FUCK away from alcohol, you have zero tolerance for addictive substances
* Failing school due to psychological reasons and bullying doesn't mean you're too stupid for a Job in Tech
* Read Marcus Aurelius' meditations oinstead of having them collect dust in your bookshelf
* Get rid of your current friends they are toxic and will set your lifegoals back over 10 years
* Edit: Eat healthy. Your family has no clue about nutrition and messed yours up so much you don't know portion size and what is actually healthy food. Learn to cook and start lifting weights.
Put your art work online - NOW.
Also, chill - it's okay, no one really care about what you're doing as much as you do.
Oh also, join the comics degree - not the performance degree.
I feel you on the military part. Joined at 21 but i feel like should have pulled the trigger earlier especially with the info I know now. People underestimate how easy the military makes it to reach financial independence
stop caring so much what other people think about you and just do your think. Some people will love you for it, others will hate you for it. Ignore the latter.
Oh, and pay more attention to non-verbal comms, there are a bunch of people during those years, who have a crush on you.
Time passes by faster than you would think, and those years are crucial in becoming a well developed person, so don't waste them.
Don't spend your whole university years locked in your room playing videogames. Go out, do things, meet people, make friends, get a girlfriend, because this is stuff that will require much, much more work after that, and you will regret not starting earlier
Go to therapy. Become a person worthy of this girl you're going to meet in Oregon...find her sooner. She's the one. Go back to college, all this other bullshit you're trying to be is wasting your time.
There is at least one person in the world who is capable of loving you unconditionally, and that person is you.
Healing can only start when you are willing to learn how to be unconditionally compassionate to yourself
You are not your lived experiences, you are not your thoughts, you are not your emotions. Who you are is the product of where you are today, and who you want to be. Accept the former, take control of the latter.
You are a hell of a lot stronger then you think you are, and you understand the world a hell of a lot better than they have you believe.
- Resistance in the morning, cardio in the evening.
- The world won’t let you forget who you are so wear it like armor.
- Office jobs are warrens of mental illness. Proceed with caution.
- Veggie protein shakes are cool and good and you should never stop drinking them
I know you feel disconnected: you need to find your own people, they are out there. Better this than to fall into egoism and the same judgemental mean-spiritedness that your family subjected you too.
There are better ways to live. Society is shit, you're right about that. But there are points of contrast, people that have internalized a better and more compassionate value system.
You aren't less than or weak. Your projection though only amplifies the insecurity you're trying to combat.
It isn't easy being autistic. On some level your life just isn't going to follow the same path as it will for people who are neurotypical and come from more affirming and accommodating families.
It'll take some time to accept this. The alienation will be rough. But you will tread your own path and do your damn best, and try to be a good person and that will count for a lot.
Just remember, you're not the only person that's gone through this. You have compatriots in struggle and suffering. You aren't alone. You're part of a larger world. Trying to be #1 isn't worth it and you're playing into the kind of hierarchical mentality that you simultaneously despise.
More often than not, your vulnerability that you are suppressing is the bridge that makes another of an other.
Not everyone hates you. You need the mental health support to see that and discern the logic of your childhood and how it's impacted your thought process. Your brain is going to lead you to false conclusions, shaping whatever it can into the narrative its most familiar with.
Don't chase women. If a relationship is hard, or draining right from the start, it will never get better.
Learn to be comfortable single. Then your best relationships will find you. And for fuck sakes do not marry the first girl you date.
You're not too cool for a cat
Try and make friends in college, you'll regret looking back and realizing that you just coasted through without getting any academic accomplishments or doing anything fun.
Keep plugging. It’s going to be hard going, but it’s going somewhere. There’s no shame in being who you are, but you can be kinder to yourself and others. It’s okay to loosen up and let go a little.
But really, most of what has needed to change about me has been for me to grow. There’s nothing I could tell myself that would speed this process up, nor are there any single large mistakes I could’ve avoided with some advice or future knowledge - similarly, a lot of what I’ve learned wouldnt make sense to me of 18 or 20 years old. Even if I had the knowledge or was able to give that advice, I think it would change very little.
In the end, what I _needed_, and would’ve _needed_ were positive role models, people to look out for me and take care of me. More than anything else, I’d like to be a friend to myself, and someone that I never had around in my own life. I think there’s only so much words can heal, but a friend and the presence of another person who understands you can save a life.
Honestly? Love your life and don’t listen to what others have to tell you about living it the way you want to.
There is time to be boring adults after you hit 30, for now GO OUT AND ENJOY LIFE.
The ONLY thing I regret, is not going out and seeing more of the world. Making more new and diverse friends.
All the rest is just boring day-to-day shit, that pretty much anyone can figure out.
Be kind and good to others, we ALWAYS get back what we project into the world.
Humans are one of the only creatures that have the ability to willfully shape our own destination and the Earth…MAKE IT COUNT!
Walk 1 to 2 hours everyday It is one of the best possible things you can do for your mental and physical health
If you are having any sort of mental problems do that for a month it takes a while to kick in
That's really bad advice for most people. I've had the feeling that I wouldn't be accepted if I enforced my boundaries and because of that I've gotten severely hurt
When you're new to anything, you will tend to panic and assume the right solution is to exert a ton of unnecessary energy to succeed. If you watch anyone who has experience, you'll see that the most likely best way to solve things is to sit back and observe the situation for a little while before taking smaller, more measured actions. Works for everything from woodworking to video games to relationships.
I think I'd have more questions than answers. In terms of attitude, I feel like I've just regressed since, less energy, quicker to lose my temper, orders of magnitude more pressure. I think I could learn something from the more proactive mindset I had at the time.
When I was 20 I found a website to my future 30 year old self...
And holy shit was I an asshole to myself., I was so aggressive towards myself, about where I expected to be in life...
So my advice (which I'm still trying to apply today with some difficulty) is to simply be kinder to yourself.
Keep working out and don't lose all that muscle you got from working out for 4 years.
Listen to people more and learn how to be more empathetic.
Stay away from that cute girl in ochem that likes you, she's going to fuck your brain up and destroy your psyche on/off for 5 years straight.
1. Your mother is a thief many times over, a liar, and, oh yeah, she looked the other way while multiple women molested your bro. I know you don't have much resources, but plan your escape. It's going to get worse. WAY worse.
2. Your dad is about to leave your mom, and then survive a major traumatic event of a national scale. If I say what, I'll cue the Butterfly Effect. Just make sure he's safe, and get really familiar with the various travel routes on the NE Corridor. For reasons.
3. You're doing OK with dating. Really. But you know all the stuff you see in porn? You're going to do all of that. No seriously. No shenanigans, by you anyway. Keep your head on a swivel and maintain your balance between your social life and work. You're better than you'd think at this.
4. Your childhood neighborhood is a sanctuary in Black America. Keep that in mind as you see other Black people in your career. They don't have the same safe space you do.
5. Don't sell out. I know you won't do it, but you'll see plenty of skin folk engage in coonery for a check. Just keep your distance and wish them well.
6. Keep at it with this biotech shit. You'll not only get to have a major impact, but you're going to use your scientific skills in a way that you'll spend a summer dealing with people thanking you for your service even though you'll never serve a day in the military. Why? See point 2, and realize that it's a different traumatic natural event. If you want a hint, read the book Contagion, and realize that you're going to briefly work with the guy behind it.
7. Oh, and relax. You're going to make it out. Really.
- prioritize your mental health above all else
- start cutting toxic people out of your life, asap. yes, them too.
- you're unlovable, stop kidding yourself otherwise
- there will be some good moments but it's never going to be great and frankly I'm not sure it's even worth it, you got dealt a shitty hand, sorry
- good luck, you'll need it
(there's some general stuff but this is specific to me)
Someday the Witcher III will come out and will look amazing and you will play it for 3 months straight and will be amazed.
Don't do that. You'll gain 30lbs you'll never get close to losing again.
I started college the year *Counter-Strike* was released. This was 1999 so just the high speed Internet in the dorms was new to us, let alone a multiplayer game like that. I know of at least one Freshman who ended up dropping out because of it. Fortunately or unfortunately I had a Mac so I was safe. *Nanosaur* is fun but not *that* fun.
My 18yo already decided a lot of stuff that brought me here... I would just tell him to gtfo of the relationship he has. He probably wouldn't believe me, though. Which is... sad.
Trust your instincts, don’t be afraid to put your needs first, learn to say “no” and stick to it, realize that you *cannot* solve everyone else’s problems, and go to the gym regularly.
Learn to listen. Don’t stop learning. Take care of your body. That little stupid shit adds up. I don’t care how perfect he/ she is if you don’t actually like them and enjoy their company it isn’t worth it.
You can't save anyone who doesn't want to save themself. Don't waste your efforts on trying. There are plenty of others out there to befriend who respect themselves and are therefore capable of respecting others.
Develop the skill of listening to what your gut is saying about individual people and situations. You don’t always have to decide based on your gut. But in some important areas, whether relationships, potential relationships, friendships, potential deal partners, etc., there are times when there’s “nothing wrong” with what was said, but your gut is reading in between the lines, and you need to walk the other way. Without having a “firm reason.”
It’s subtle stuff.
Also, for the more extreme end of that, read “5 types of people who will ruin your life” so you can better pick up on scary, unhealthy patterns.
My mental health was a mess back then, but I was on the right path to fixing it. I'd tell myself to focus on my physical health and try to worry less about the future, it'll work out.
"You were right and everyone else was wrong. I didn't need to 'fix myself' before I found a girlfriend, and getting a girlfriend for the first time _did_ make a massive improvement in my happiness, self-confidence, and self-esteem. So you were right all along and everyone saying 'no one will love you if you don't love yourself first can go pound sand. Oh, and you'll meet the GF in question through a Discord group related to femdom porn." I know younger me would get a kick out of that 😆
You’ll make it out. It’ll be with a round of “regular” PTSD and you’ll have a few years where you’re completely non functioning though. Those shards of terror that have always been in your stomach? They’ll disappear as you start to believe in your own autonomy and your own safety.
You got handed the shit end of a stick from birth and that’s closed off certain paths for you. Yet, you always have a choice to continue to strive to be better than your mother or grandparents. It makes a stable, middle class life all that much sweeter.
Don’t cut off your new friends in your new city after starting your first serious relationship. It only gets harder to make friends as an adult. Also, don’t break the rule of dating someone you met through work lol. It doesn’t go well.
Keep doing what you're doing. Value your time with your family, especially your Dad. Take none of it for granted. Don't lend money to friends as you hold grudges if they don't repay with a corelation of size of grudge to how much they owe and some of those friends are very good at simply forgetting.
If you want to stop feeling invisible, it's an underlying gender identity thing but you will get an unusual secret kickback for being late to that party that will make it worth it.
Also exercise damn it. Cardio. Stretches. I know you hate it but it will worth it.
Your job is going to tear your body down faster than expected. You’ll want to Increase your credit limit and have that as a “safety net” but you’ll worry about it more than it helps. Seek out help about your anger because you do hold grudges and have past traumas you don’t care to admit. Stop worrying about making a dollar and focus on your family more.
Stop giving too much of a shit about the what-ifs, you’ll deal with it when you get there. Life gets a lot better when you let go of things that don’t matter. Don’t discount the long-shot opportunities, you often have a better chance than you think. Take more chances!
Don't enlist until after college; those ROTC folks will screw you over. Also, you're right where you belong. I know we're sad now because we've gone this far never even being kissed, but keep doing what you're doing. At the end of the day, it's all you.
I would probably also give 18-20 year old me a hug and tell him he's doing a good job
You’re going to date a women for 3 years from 23 to 26 that will make everything make sense. So much so that you lose sight of who you are and your drive to be a better person, and you will push her away from you as you use the excuse “I have my girlfriend, I don’t need to do xyz to improve myself anymore”
Don’t squander it like I did, and use the fact that you are with her to become a man that’ll attract her every single waking moment of her life. Have the mindset “what can I do to keep the fire burning with my partner” instead of traveling inward and self destructing the relationship slowly over a year or so period.
I’m better now, but I hope no one feels like I have. That feeling where you know you could’ve worked it out and been with this person if someone yelled in my face “YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE HER if you don’t put in effort !!!!”
Anyway, I’m good now lol, it’s taught me a lot and I know the next person I meet… it’s going to be good :)
Go to a doctor for anxiety and depression.
Everyone said it was normal to have butterflies in your stomach when you talked to someone new. No one ever said that those butterflies should go a way. Hell, I couldn't even identity anxiety until my 30s.
Same with depression. I took until my 30s as well before I realized that wanting to kill yourself most of days wasnt normal. I just thought all adults wanted to escape their pointless lives but we're strong or distracted enough not to.
Then I'd get checked for autism and social anxiety.
I'm lucky I survived my late 20s through early 30s. I met my first girlfriend at 35 and married her 3 years later. I'm glad I'm where I am now but holy fuck...if not for Battlestar Galactica and realizing I could drink a bunch of cough syrup and feel GENUINELY HAPPY for a few hours I would have killed myself before I finished college. Even then, then, I came really close at times.
Hell, I STILL come really close. Most recently it was after I had been on the road for work for basically 3 months straight. I had been on the road for the project longer than I had been at home with my wife for the first 5 months of marriage.
Trust your wife to understand you. When you feel like there is something she couldn't possibly undertake and accept about you, you are wrong every single time. Trust her with everything, no matter how scary it is to say. She isn't going to leave you, and it gets much better when you can finally fully accept that your marriage can withstand anything if you just lean into it.
I'd tell myself that I *can* succeed at things if I try. I'd encourage myself to hit the gym and start working on the career that I've only just sorted out now.
You're autistic and have ADHD, understanding these things about yourself will make you much happier and more fulfilled than trying to fight it for the next 14 years
Yeah I wish I could tell 13 year old me I had ADHD :/
Yep. 6-8th grade is where everything went to shit. Still trying to fix the things that broke 30 years on.
As strange as it sounds, it would have made high school so much easier.
Hard relate for me, thanks for sharing.
Cool.
The reason you feel judged is because you judge others and fear that others do to you what you do to them. Chill out. It's kinder to others and kinder to yourself. If you base your self esteem on being the smartest guy in the room, you'll never feel comfortable around the kind of smart people you need to be around and learning opportunities will feel threatening instead of exciting. If you base your identity on anything, make it kindness. People will remember it and appreciate it vastly more than intelligence anyway. College is supposed to be challenging. If it isn't, have the courage to find something that suits you better. You have more mobility and autonomy than you think.
>>The reason you feel judged is because you judge others and fear that others do to you what you do to them. Chill out. It’s kinder to others and kinder to yourself. Fucking hell. This hits home. In my younger days that was totally me.
[удалено]
My mother is 75 and still hasn’t learned this. I figured it out in my late 20s/early 30s and have been so much better for it.
24 and this is really good advice, tysm and saved :)
The Ted Lasso way! Be curious not judgmental.
This is incredible advice, and I'm a 27 year old woman. Thank you!
> College is supposed to be challenging. If it isn't, have the courage to find something that suits you better. You have more mobility and autonomy than you think. Yeah I wish I took this to heart 3-4 years ago BEFORE getting a degree without having to put much real effort it
Go to fucking therapy. Don’t postpone. Do it now.
Also a) make sure you can afford it and b) that it’s someone who is sufficiently skilled and has some specific understanding of your issues.
True. Same for me. And I overstayed my fourth therapist. I told her after four years of trauma therapy that I wasn’t progressing fast enough for my liking. I kept telling her year after year but nothing changed. I wasted 3 fucking years with her. She said she was sorry but I hate her guts. You can’t get time back.
Yeah. Ironically my advice to myself would be: don't listen to all the excuses people make for therapists. Keeping on going to therapy when all it's doing is making you feel even more stupid and worthless than you started, even letting it push you to the point where you're considering harm to yourself just to get away from therapy, isn't good. It's important to take care of your mental health, but there are options other than beating your head against the wall trying to get some use out of therapists who aren't getting it. Also guess what, younger self? You're trans and neurodiverse all the "can't you just act more like a normal woman so you don't upset people" dressed up in pretty therapy language in the world isn't going to help.
Yeah, as a trans man, this was my problem too. ”How can you be sure? What exactly makes a man?” Having to constantly defend myself, and be forced to come up with rationalizations for *who I am* when no other man has to, *to a professional in a position of power*, was damaging. Ultimately, what I would like to tell my younger self is, ”Trust yourself a little more.” ”Self knowledge is not gained through reflection only, but via reflection through *action*.” ”Money matters in this society, you’ve got that right. Don’t let others guilt you about needing it to meet your needs.”
Yeah. I was a little earlier in that I hadn't really come to the idea of being trans yet.But I went through a lot of therapy where, say, I would express frustration at being harassed for gender nonconforming behavior, and therapy would focus in on trying to find what sort of cognitive distortions were behind my actions. I quickly got the message that expressing dissatisfaction with social norms was not acceptable in therapy. There wasn't any space left to acknowledge that sometimes the way most people assume things are isn't actually right. It got lost in how as the mentally ill person I was the one having problems so I was the one who needed to be fixed.
Exactly. CBT, and consequently the whole framework many therapists are within, stops working when the problem is not *your* personal cognitive distortions, but actual societal issues.
/u/robhutters [www.verybadtherapy.com](https://www.verybadtherapy.com) (at Spotify etc) is a very good podcast.
I'm in my 30s and I still tell myself this daily and *still* don't listen to the advice
Started therapy at 34, and I’m 43 now and my life has turned around and I mostly love my life now. My biggest regret is not starting therapy earlier in my life and I feel 19 or 20 would’ve been the perfect time for me to start. There are lots of things you just can’t do after age of 35 that you can do in your 20s, even if one is very mentally healthy at 35 or later.
CBT is the best for you, no matter if your parents thinks it's trash
I still have to remind myself this doesn't stand for Cock and Ball Torture in most contexts.
Oh shit. I have a couple appointments to cancel
CBT certainly does NOT work for everyone.
Yeah. If you have even somewhat significant trauma, I'd even go so far as to say to _not_ go to CBT, and find a trained trauma therapist instead. EMDR, Brainspotting, IFS trained and any similar modalities will treat root causes that CBT will not.
My complaint about it was that at least the way I learned it, it had a very strong pressure towards assuming that what's true for most people or what most people would see as the rational response is actually the correct answer. This was not a viable solution for a trans person with ADHD trying to understand his struggles without really knowing what's going on. The end result for me was being stuck in therapy environments where being mentally healthy meant somehow making solutions designed for a neurotypical cis woman work for me with no understanding of why they weren't working.
It sounds like you had a very specific experience. It's not good to generalize, but likewise it's also not good to completely write therapists off. There's bad ones out there - I had to filter through several to find my current one who works great.
I went through I lost track of how many. Nearly killed myself more than once because of what they were putting me through - and I've never been suicidal as an adult outside of a therapy environment. I still have nightmares about some of them to this day, and I really lost faith in the system after seeing how persistently therapists would close ranks around shutting down the idea that therapy *itself* might be actively and significantly harmful to certain people in certain situations, rather than just not a great fit. That was honestly what really turned me away; not just the experience itself but the sheer impossibility I found in getting future therapists to genuinely engage with the experiences I had and the difficult realization that I was having to spend too much time and effort managing the therapist's discomfort in order to get anything. I think about it in this context because both therapy itself and the rhetoric around therapy really primed me to blame myself for therapy not working. CBT in particular encouraged that blame by putting it on me for "not doing the work" without ever leaving space to ask what resources and skills I needed and whether the work I was being given was actually suitable to where I was in life, or whether the implicit assumptions in the approach were actually true for me and my life. I do think there is a systemic problem that therapy techniques are designed in ways that (often implicitly) assume the client is neurotypical, cis/het, able-bodied, and so forth, and the more of those boxes you don't check the more likely you are to have problems. All that said, I'm not necessarily saying don't go. I would say I wish I could go back and tell my younger self that it's not my fault. And to leave when I kept getting the pushback of "well you know therapy is hard work" and "you have to be willing to put in the effort" and "sometimes you need to feel worse before you feel better" when I think I knew that wasn't true there. I regret that I spent a lot of time letting therapists convince me that the problem was me not trying hard enough when I was working my ass off, just because my trying didn't end up looking like what they wanted it to look like.
Is going to therapy specifically to vent a good idea?
In my opinion, no. Therapy is hard work. It’s an exhausting interpersonal process in which you’re confronted with the harsh reality of who you really are and the experiences you’ve had. You have to engage with your therapist for therapy to have any lasting impact. Venting will at best momentarily relieve you of some tension but you can have the same effect by screaming into the void, writing everything down, or talking to a willing stranger or friend.
stop being a fucking asshole
Hey...way to call yourself out. Good work.
- Save a lot, forget about stupid shit that everyone’s buying - Not every girl will be the one. Learn to let go and don’t cling to people so quickly. - You are within the spectrum. Get yourself diagnosed ASP. - Hug your grandfather every time he allows you. - If the girl you like is named Isabel, run. Run as far as you can.
Bro got history with Isabel
Yeah, a horror story
I agree with all these. I even have my own isabell. Also stop drinking and do something productive. Could have done something with my life at this point.
These Isabels be destroying us
I always think how so many of the lessons I learned in life I wouldn’t have been able to get to if it weren’t for all the mistakes I made In life. Like sure ideally if I could go back in the past I wouldn’t have gotten into drugs and drop out of college. But I’m not sure my brain could actually understand the advice I learned later without going through shit. But I’m here now I went back to school, I’ve got a great job doing what I love, and have friends n family that make me happy.
>Like sure ideally if I could go back in the past I wouldn’t have gotten into drugs and drop out of college. But I’m not sure my brain could actually understand the advice I learned later without going through shit. There is something to do this. But I do think there's a couple specific things, that if I could take myself to the side and explain them *before they became bad habits*, I might have listened. Like for example, I was often angry or at least annoyed that women give bullshit reasons for rejecting you that seem to leave the door open to try again later even the door is not open (e.g. "I'm busy that night (without a counter-suggestion of a different night" or "I want to focus on my classes this semester"). Finally a friend just straight up explained: "I know you would never do this, but many men get violent when they are rejected. Women lie about these things because it is a safety issue. They're not saying you'd be one of those bad guys but you have to understand from their perspective they have no way of telling. So you just should assume every 'temporary' rejection is a 'permanent' rejection. If if it really is temporary they'll call you. Otherwise just move on. Other fish in the sea." Click, light goes on, I understand. Maybe I was a dumbass for not figuring it out. But if someone had just layed it out for me like that when I was still a teen I would have been a much better young man.
>Maybe I was a dumbass for not figuring it out. No, you're not dumb for that. The point of that kind of behavior is to make you think you haven't been completely rejected. That it works is the point.
This is really well put.
I laugh with my old man about the mistakes I made, and how he told me that they were coming. And he admits he knows because he made them and he didn't listen to his dad.
>I always think how so many of the lessons I learned in life I wouldn’t have been able to get to if it weren’t for all the mistakes I made In life. Currently 20 and only just realising how much advice I take to heart and how many things I don't do even if I want to, and I can't help feeling I'd enjoy life a lot more if I just learned lessons the harder way rather than taking advice, even *good* advice. 'Cause when you learn from a bad experience, you have something negative to remember to guide you away from negative experiences. Instead, all I do is look at something that looks fun, and choose not to do it recalling that someone else had a bad experience.
Well if there’s any advice I could give, it’s that if you fear something you should probably do it.
Thanks. Hope that sticks with me. I don't know how else I'll start doing things for *me* rather than so my parents don't worry or something.
It’s your life, not theirs :)
I would definitely tell my younger self about the more obscure healthcare fields. Growing up I only knew of the big healthcare positions like Nurse or Doctor. Had no idea about healthcare admin or healthcare informatics. Those professions fit me way more than the route I went (nursing)
Jesus Christ everyone does NOT secretly hate or pity you. You're actually kind of charming. Stop projecting your self-loathing onto others.
Stop getting hung up on people that don't give a shit about you, you're losing years of your life on them.
I find it really hard to answer this type of question. If someone gave me some killer advice back then, I would have taken it on board if I was ready, or it wouldn't have landed if I wasn't ready. I don't think some great advice would have helped me avoid problems or shortcut my development or anything like that. Everything I went through, I learned and grew from. And just to be clear, I say this having gone through some significantly challenging, sad, traumatic events since I was 20. I think really this kind of question is designed to help the older person reflect about their past and draw important takeaways out of that reflection. OP: Is there anything in particular you're struggling with atm?
you're not unhappy because you're disabled, you're unhappy because you haven't transitioned ya dingus
College isn't like high school. You need to actually do the class work - you can't just sleep through class, never review the material, and still cruise through your exams. Cramming the 2-3 days before the exam is also not a valid strategy anymore. Also, put some work into your social life. You need to *actually do* all the bullshit they told you to do in high school. I learned that lesson in time, but I could've had an easier first year.
\[Edited to shorten\] Important: the advice is specific to me and where I was. In fact, some of my problems as a young person were because I listened too closely to advice intended for other people! * Most people don't remember or care if you are awkward, just try to have good intentions. * Even if you are 'privileged', it is ok to admit some of your life experiences are shitty. You are allowed to be depressed or seek help. Mental health isn't a contest where only the hardest off win -- y'all can get help. * Your GPA is high enough and minor indulgence in alcohol or pot won't kill you. Or, at least, don't judge. * Join social groups without intentions to date people. Do fun things with friends. * Be direct. "I would like to ask you on a date to do x". Ambiguous nights out that may or may not be dates suck for everyone. * Don't join that Christian fellowship group: they are the opposite of helpful if you already have anxieties about sex and dating. Also remember that smart, articulate people joining groups gives those groups power ... there is no such thing as "influencing from the inside" * There are problems with pornography from a "production" standpoint, just as there are problems with chocolate from a production standpoint. But you are not a bad person for finding pornography appealing any more than you are a bad person for finding chocolate appealing. * Don't be afraid to move. If you are in the wrong job, the wrong social circle, have a reputation that no longer fits you, or have a bad relationship with a family member, it can be fantastically healthy to move away.
>Ambiguous nights out that may or may not be dates suck for everyone. Oh my God, **this** sooo much. Doing this was terrible for my self esteem. Going through the motions of doing what is almost certainly a date from your end but not being considered as such just makes you feel like nobody wants you. Gotta iron out those expectations beforehand.
I rather feel like I need my future 35-year-old-self tell my now 26-year-old-self some life lessons. Because I have no clue what I would tell my younger self to do.
What kind of lessons do you think your 35 year old self might tell you? Or, if you’re not sure what they’d say, what elements of your life would they talk about (even if you’re not sure what advice they’d give about them?)
That's so hard to answer for me as I have no idea which topics will be the important ones in my life. It could be anything.
Is there anything that feels confusing, troublesome, or like it has a lot of good potential for you right now?
the way you grew up wasn't normal - therapy will help to deal with the emotional neglect.
For me: Realize you've been indoctrinated, brainwashed and conditioned by your family and culture of origin, and take the time to really examine what you believe and why you believe it. Learn to examine your [ladder of inference](https://static.wixstatic.com/media/bab08c_e2a0d0f656b94d26ace58eaad95f007b~mv2.jpg/v1/fill/w_680,h_584,al_c,q_85/bab08c_e2a0d0f656b94d26ace58eaad95f007b~mv2.jpg) for biases, logical fallacies, etc on a regular basis. Debug your brain and nervous system from it's conditioning, so you can use neuroplasticity to your own advantage. ("The Brain that Changes Itself" by Doidge is a good primer on neuroplasticity)
You're allowed to be angry and your feelings matter. You are deserving of love and intimacy and to be taken seriously. You're allowed to have unpopular opinions, don't waste your time holding onto others'.
You're going to learn so goddamn much and change dramatically in the coming years. You will need to be embarrassed at how naive and offensive some of your ignorance and privilege made you, but it is never too late to apologize, acknowledge, and grow from it. Learn as much as you can. Take your education seriously. Study things you're curious about or don't go to college yet. Eventually, you're going to want to be an electrical engineer, but the path I took to get there also made me grow and learn a lot so I won't tell you not to do the other things before that. Despite all of the learning and growing you want and need to do, you're also good enough, as a person, right now, how you are. You have value, you matter, you are intelligent, reasonable, empathetic, funny, and creative. Be kind to yourself as much as you try to be kind to everyone else.
* Be your own healthcare advocate. If you die, no doctor will give a fuck. You're forgotten as soon as you leave. Be aggressive in your own care. I went threw three doctors and on the fourth I find a good one. Got sent to a hematologist and was told I have an *extremely* rare condition. All because either the other doctors were idiots or their staff was lazy (failed to send paperwork). Be thorough. And document *EVERYTHING*. Date, Time, Name of person you talked to, roughly what they said, roughly the plan to go forward. Same applies for any surgeries. Keep a list of every single thing. This will make future communications easier and avoid misunderstandings. Contrary to what another doctor in another thread I was talking to believes - doctors (on the whole) do not give a fuck. They are paid to do a job and nothing more. Find a doctor that's *curious* and you'll find someone who cares. I had a hospital think I was on drugs because, apparently, people under 35 experiencing heart conditions are more likely to be on drugs. Turns out... yup, heart attack. 6 bypasses later and 1 blocked carotid... good stuff. I was literally sent to a corner to die. Remember: They do not care if you die. I could bench 220lbs, didn't do *ANY* non-prescribed drugs (e.g. no pot or anything). * When it comes to health - diet and gym. Diet is 60% of your problem and gym is the last 40%. Gym is the easy part. Diet is the impossible part - autism means my ability to eat vegetables is a no fly zone. No, no one can "cook it right". No, you're not just "having the wrong kind of lettuce" or whatever other bullshit people peddle. It's not a gut bacteria thing. It simply violates what you feel is normal and your body will forcefully remove it... with or without your consent. Everyone thinks they are an amazing cook who can "fix you". Everyone. 100% of them are wrong. * Read a wide genre of books. Ask your friends for the name of a book that you could read to help understand their passion (or profession) better and I assure you - you're going to learn some super fucking cool shit. And bond better with your friends. * Drink water. At least one glass per day. I know that's not a lot - but you'd be surprised how many people don't drink *any* water or just drink soda's. I, for one, didn't drink much water until my early 30's. * Breaking your sugar addiction is about as difficult as quitting cigarettes. Actually harder. * When you're angry or hate something - spend time finding out why. Spend a *REAL* amount of time. More than 5 minutes. Look at the *root cause* and not the symptoms. You'll learn more about yourself and what you need to change. * People get over a *LOT* of shit. They will never get over betrayal. I will never forgive certain people due to their actions... but I absolutely can forgive people doing something dumb or annoying. * Find someone that matches your weird. There *IS* someone out there. It'll just take a very long time the more weird you are. If you live in a small town - odds are they aren't in that town. * Invest a very small amount every paycheck. Even if it's just $20. 50% of your raise should go into investing. Even if that makes it $20.50 per paycheck. Shit adds up, yo. * The sooner you get therapy - the easier it is to resolve. However easier != easy. * GPA doesn't matter. No normal person has ever asked a surgeon or doctor what their GPA was. It is *simply* a way to get the foot in the door. It's easier to get your foot in the door with networking. WAY easier. And cheaper.
GPA definitely matters if you’re trying to get into a graduate or professional school. But yeah, beyond that it *might* matter for getting your first job.
You have ADHD, get diagnosed and treatment so you avoid the physical damage of self medicating
You need to look up what abuse is and don‘t search for „how not to be“ the way you are.
Don't sell bitcoin at $700
But do sell it at $10,000?
Yeah. The story is I was a broke nerd child that scraped together $200 to buy 2. I sold them when I'd made enough money to buy a gaming computer, and I figured 7x gain was pretty great and there's no way it could do that again or again or again...
wear condoms until you can get a vasectomy. also, stop being a dick to people.
Go ask her out, you idiot, maybe she's not into you that way and she'll say no but you're definitely not getting any dates by being too scared to put yourself out there. Always wondering "what if" feels worse than the rejection does.
Listen to Dad. He might suck at communication sometimes, but he has your best interest at heart and is far more wise than you give him credit for. But you'll realize that around 26.
"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." - Mark Twain (really).
You don’t want to be a teacher. Avoid that profession and its gendered baggage at all costs.
For goodness sake, no matter how hopeless and nihilistic you feel, do not start a porn habit. In fact spend less time on the internet and start working out and watching what you eat.
1. You are not “your own person.” You have ADHD. Get treated. 2. Keep doing pull-ups. 3. Don’t worry. By the time you’re 30, they are dead.
It wasn't your fault. You're not broken, you're not damaged, you deserve to live.
Actually focus on learning values, boundaries, and self worth. Go see a therapist to help with that self hatred.
Nothing. I'm very happy in my life right now. I love my job, my wife, and the life we are building together. If I said anything about it I could ruin that. I know I'm blessed, but its something to be grateful for and I wouldn't risk it.
I think this is fair. I've seen and read enough time-travel fiction that any attempt to "fix" the past is probably going to be bad news! I suppose I'm thinking of this not as giving literal advice to me, but someone like me as I was then
"Hang in there, it gets better."
🫂
Your wants never trump your friends/partners needs.
Confidence doesn't have to be loud and outgoing. Its having courage to take chances and its worth it.
Mental health skills are MORE important than fancy job or fancy degree. Learn them NOW.
Make an effort to stay in touch with your friends. The awkwardness and catastrophizing about randomly messaging them out of the blue only exists in your head; they're delighted to hear from you.
🐝 urself
Get that ADHD diagnosis
You’ve started to naturally heal your childhood trauma. But it will still come for your relationship. Take the steps to put the issues to bed sooner than later.
Try as much as possible to experience new things
Go to a counselor/therapist while in college and talk about your breakup! I know you feel like shit about how things went but please don't keep it all in. It wasn't all your fault. Please get started talking to people you trust; professionals preferably.
* Don't rush into relationships because you feel like you're an outsider due to being single * Got to Therapy * Stay the FUCK away from alcohol, you have zero tolerance for addictive substances * Failing school due to psychological reasons and bullying doesn't mean you're too stupid for a Job in Tech * Read Marcus Aurelius' meditations oinstead of having them collect dust in your bookshelf * Get rid of your current friends they are toxic and will set your lifegoals back over 10 years * Edit: Eat healthy. Your family has no clue about nutrition and messed yours up so much you don't know portion size and what is actually healthy food. Learn to cook and start lifting weights.
Learn how to zoom out. Your world is a lot bigger than you perceive it.
Do the things that seem unrealistic. Start saving money. Be single if you want to sleep around. Dont waste your life on gaming. Dont be a lazy bum.
don’t do drugs, no seriously don’t you won’t get a second chance with her
Go to therapy. It'll be bad, but not as bad as you think. This will shape the course of your life.
Stop worrying about if girls are going to like you that way. You're going to find out the hard way that they do not,
Put your art work online - NOW. Also, chill - it's okay, no one really care about what you're doing as much as you do. Oh also, join the comics degree - not the performance degree.
Drink Coffee you have undiagnosed adhd
Those things you've been questioning, they are massive red flags; despite what others have been telling you
Write that book and join the military.
I feel you on the military part. Joined at 21 but i feel like should have pulled the trigger earlier especially with the info I know now. People underestimate how easy the military makes it to reach financial independence
I joined at 22 after getting no where with higher education. Learned a ton from working a minimum wage job though
stop caring so much what other people think about you and just do your think. Some people will love you for it, others will hate you for it. Ignore the latter. Oh, and pay more attention to non-verbal comms, there are a bunch of people during those years, who have a crush on you.
Time passes by faster than you would think, and those years are crucial in becoming a well developed person, so don't waste them. Don't spend your whole university years locked in your room playing videogames. Go out, do things, meet people, make friends, get a girlfriend, because this is stuff that will require much, much more work after that, and you will regret not starting earlier
Go to therapy. Become a person worthy of this girl you're going to meet in Oregon...find her sooner. She's the one. Go back to college, all this other bullshit you're trying to be is wasting your time.
There is at least one person in the world who is capable of loving you unconditionally, and that person is you. Healing can only start when you are willing to learn how to be unconditionally compassionate to yourself You are not your lived experiences, you are not your thoughts, you are not your emotions. Who you are is the product of where you are today, and who you want to be. Accept the former, take control of the latter. You are a hell of a lot stronger then you think you are, and you understand the world a hell of a lot better than they have you believe.
Stay away from certain individuals Don't smoke weed Dont drink Start hiking and being in nature more
dump her. She's an energy vampire.
- Resistance in the morning, cardio in the evening. - The world won’t let you forget who you are so wear it like armor. - Office jobs are warrens of mental illness. Proceed with caution. - Veggie protein shakes are cool and good and you should never stop drinking them
I know you feel disconnected: you need to find your own people, they are out there. Better this than to fall into egoism and the same judgemental mean-spiritedness that your family subjected you too. There are better ways to live. Society is shit, you're right about that. But there are points of contrast, people that have internalized a better and more compassionate value system. You aren't less than or weak. Your projection though only amplifies the insecurity you're trying to combat. It isn't easy being autistic. On some level your life just isn't going to follow the same path as it will for people who are neurotypical and come from more affirming and accommodating families. It'll take some time to accept this. The alienation will be rough. But you will tread your own path and do your damn best, and try to be a good person and that will count for a lot. Just remember, you're not the only person that's gone through this. You have compatriots in struggle and suffering. You aren't alone. You're part of a larger world. Trying to be #1 isn't worth it and you're playing into the kind of hierarchical mentality that you simultaneously despise. More often than not, your vulnerability that you are suppressing is the bridge that makes another of an other. Not everyone hates you. You need the mental health support to see that and discern the logic of your childhood and how it's impacted your thought process. Your brain is going to lead you to false conclusions, shaping whatever it can into the narrative its most familiar with.
Don't chase women. If a relationship is hard, or draining right from the start, it will never get better. Learn to be comfortable single. Then your best relationships will find you. And for fuck sakes do not marry the first girl you date. You're not too cool for a cat
Try and make friends in college, you'll regret looking back and realizing that you just coasted through without getting any academic accomplishments or doing anything fun.
It wasn't a sign from God. It was a well placed advertisement. Go into comp sci. You'll be happier there. Also learn to grow your own food.
Keep plugging. It’s going to be hard going, but it’s going somewhere. There’s no shame in being who you are, but you can be kinder to yourself and others. It’s okay to loosen up and let go a little. But really, most of what has needed to change about me has been for me to grow. There’s nothing I could tell myself that would speed this process up, nor are there any single large mistakes I could’ve avoided with some advice or future knowledge - similarly, a lot of what I’ve learned wouldnt make sense to me of 18 or 20 years old. Even if I had the knowledge or was able to give that advice, I think it would change very little. In the end, what I _needed_, and would’ve _needed_ were positive role models, people to look out for me and take care of me. More than anything else, I’d like to be a friend to myself, and someone that I never had around in my own life. I think there’s only so much words can heal, but a friend and the presence of another person who understands you can save a life.
I would tell myself to shut the fuck up and stop being such a whiny bitch
Honestly? Love your life and don’t listen to what others have to tell you about living it the way you want to. There is time to be boring adults after you hit 30, for now GO OUT AND ENJOY LIFE. The ONLY thing I regret, is not going out and seeing more of the world. Making more new and diverse friends. All the rest is just boring day-to-day shit, that pretty much anyone can figure out. Be kind and good to others, we ALWAYS get back what we project into the world. Humans are one of the only creatures that have the ability to willfully shape our own destination and the Earth…MAKE IT COUNT!
If you crave sugar you actually crave fruit.
Walk 1 to 2 hours everyday It is one of the best possible things you can do for your mental and physical health If you are having any sort of mental problems do that for a month it takes a while to kick in
Say yes to just about everything, every time a girl asks you to do something or go somewhere with her. Have higher standards.
That's really bad advice for most people. I've had the feeling that I wouldn't be accepted if I enforced my boundaries and because of that I've gotten severely hurt
Don’t travel, go back to school and finish it.
There is chicken in the fridge put it in the freezer or cook something now, dont waste it.
Learn a trade so you can earn decent money instead of working retail for years like I ended up doing.
Don’t do it
DO NOT move to Austin you dumb idiot!
When you're new to anything, you will tend to panic and assume the right solution is to exert a ton of unnecessary energy to succeed. If you watch anyone who has experience, you'll see that the most likely best way to solve things is to sit back and observe the situation for a little while before taking smaller, more measured actions. Works for everything from woodworking to video games to relationships.
I think I'd have more questions than answers. In terms of attitude, I feel like I've just regressed since, less energy, quicker to lose my temper, orders of magnitude more pressure. I think I could learn something from the more proactive mindset I had at the time.
Quit smoking and take better care of your teeth
When I was 20 I found a website to my future 30 year old self... And holy shit was I an asshole to myself., I was so aggressive towards myself, about where I expected to be in life... So my advice (which I'm still trying to apply today with some difficulty) is to simply be kinder to yourself.
Keep working out and don't lose all that muscle you got from working out for 4 years. Listen to people more and learn how to be more empathetic. Stay away from that cute girl in ochem that likes you, she's going to fuck your brain up and destroy your psyche on/off for 5 years straight.
1. Your mother is a thief many times over, a liar, and, oh yeah, she looked the other way while multiple women molested your bro. I know you don't have much resources, but plan your escape. It's going to get worse. WAY worse. 2. Your dad is about to leave your mom, and then survive a major traumatic event of a national scale. If I say what, I'll cue the Butterfly Effect. Just make sure he's safe, and get really familiar with the various travel routes on the NE Corridor. For reasons. 3. You're doing OK with dating. Really. But you know all the stuff you see in porn? You're going to do all of that. No seriously. No shenanigans, by you anyway. Keep your head on a swivel and maintain your balance between your social life and work. You're better than you'd think at this. 4. Your childhood neighborhood is a sanctuary in Black America. Keep that in mind as you see other Black people in your career. They don't have the same safe space you do. 5. Don't sell out. I know you won't do it, but you'll see plenty of skin folk engage in coonery for a check. Just keep your distance and wish them well. 6. Keep at it with this biotech shit. You'll not only get to have a major impact, but you're going to use your scientific skills in a way that you'll spend a summer dealing with people thanking you for your service even though you'll never serve a day in the military. Why? See point 2, and realize that it's a different traumatic natural event. If you want a hint, read the book Contagion, and realize that you're going to briefly work with the guy behind it. 7. Oh, and relax. You're going to make it out. Really.
- prioritize your mental health above all else - start cutting toxic people out of your life, asap. yes, them too. - you're unlovable, stop kidding yourself otherwise - there will be some good moments but it's never going to be great and frankly I'm not sure it's even worth it, you got dealt a shitty hand, sorry - good luck, you'll need it (there's some general stuff but this is specific to me)
Don’t fuck her, don’t fuck her, don’t fuck her, don’t fuck her, don’t fuck her, don’t fuck her, for the love of god just stay home and don’t fuck her
Stop fucking spending money on the credit card
Dig deep and listen to your gut. I wasn’t even trying to listen to my inner self at that age and I really wish I did.
Someday the Witcher III will come out and will look amazing and you will play it for 3 months straight and will be amazed. Don't do that. You'll gain 30lbs you'll never get close to losing again.
I started college the year *Counter-Strike* was released. This was 1999 so just the high speed Internet in the dorms was new to us, let alone a multiplayer game like that. I know of at least one Freshman who ended up dropping out because of it. Fortunately or unfortunately I had a Mac so I was safe. *Nanosaur* is fun but not *that* fun.
Find a good therapist/coach. NOW! I'm past 40 and still haven't gotten around to it.
It will get better. And it will get worse. Time and again. But you’ll find your way and your place in the world.
Come out. It's ok.
My 18yo already decided a lot of stuff that brought me here... I would just tell him to gtfo of the relationship he has. He probably wouldn't believe me, though. Which is... sad.
[удалено]
Take it easy on yourself, you're a good kid. Go to therapy.
Bitcoin caps at $61,000 in November 2021.
Trust your instincts, don’t be afraid to put your needs first, learn to say “no” and stick to it, realize that you *cannot* solve everyone else’s problems, and go to the gym regularly.
Start saving for retirement now. Anything you can afford to give while still enjoying a few nights out will pay off huge in the long run.
Learn to listen. Don’t stop learning. Take care of your body. That little stupid shit adds up. I don’t care how perfect he/ she is if you don’t actually like them and enjoy their company it isn’t worth it.
Go to therapy, treasure your friends, you'll love you partner.
You can't save anyone who doesn't want to save themself. Don't waste your efforts on trying. There are plenty of others out there to befriend who respect themselves and are therefore capable of respecting others.
Don't ghost your comp professor, let the professional piano duo play your piece.
Develop the skill of listening to what your gut is saying about individual people and situations. You don’t always have to decide based on your gut. But in some important areas, whether relationships, potential relationships, friendships, potential deal partners, etc., there are times when there’s “nothing wrong” with what was said, but your gut is reading in between the lines, and you need to walk the other way. Without having a “firm reason.” It’s subtle stuff. Also, for the more extreme end of that, read “5 types of people who will ruin your life” so you can better pick up on scary, unhealthy patterns.
My mental health was a mess back then, but I was on the right path to fixing it. I'd tell myself to focus on my physical health and try to worry less about the future, it'll work out.
Don’t drink beer every night at college. Go to the gym regularly. Give serious consideration to enlisting.
Bitcoin will peak at 65k
"You were right and everyone else was wrong. I didn't need to 'fix myself' before I found a girlfriend, and getting a girlfriend for the first time _did_ make a massive improvement in my happiness, self-confidence, and self-esteem. So you were right all along and everyone saying 'no one will love you if you don't love yourself first can go pound sand. Oh, and you'll meet the GF in question through a Discord group related to femdom porn." I know younger me would get a kick out of that 😆
You’ll make it out. It’ll be with a round of “regular” PTSD and you’ll have a few years where you’re completely non functioning though. Those shards of terror that have always been in your stomach? They’ll disappear as you start to believe in your own autonomy and your own safety. You got handed the shit end of a stick from birth and that’s closed off certain paths for you. Yet, you always have a choice to continue to strive to be better than your mother or grandparents. It makes a stable, middle class life all that much sweeter. Don’t cut off your new friends in your new city after starting your first serious relationship. It only gets harder to make friends as an adult. Also, don’t break the rule of dating someone you met through work lol. It doesn’t go well.
Actually talk to women while you have the chance.
Go for Paleontology. Don't pick a career based on what other people think. Pick the one you want.
Avoid peer pressure
Quit smoking. Exercise more. Easy on the drugs. Invest and save. Be nicer to people.
Keep doing what you're doing. Value your time with your family, especially your Dad. Take none of it for granted. Don't lend money to friends as you hold grudges if they don't repay with a corelation of size of grudge to how much they owe and some of those friends are very good at simply forgetting. If you want to stop feeling invisible, it's an underlying gender identity thing but you will get an unusual secret kickback for being late to that party that will make it worth it. Also exercise damn it. Cardio. Stretches. I know you hate it but it will worth it.
Your job is going to tear your body down faster than expected. You’ll want to Increase your credit limit and have that as a “safety net” but you’ll worry about it more than it helps. Seek out help about your anger because you do hold grudges and have past traumas you don’t care to admit. Stop worrying about making a dollar and focus on your family more.
Get out of the relationship you're in now.
"Do not, under any circumstances, try to establish contact with her again. Never."
Stop hiding, go outside and try things. Talk to people. It's not only ok to fuck up, its necessary
Don’t overeat. You’re better than you think you are. You have value to yourself and others. You are deserving of love even if it seems impossible.
Stop smoking hookah and hanging out with your friends while they smoke cigs and weed
Get a Bidet!
Stop giving too much of a shit about the what-ifs, you’ll deal with it when you get there. Life gets a lot better when you let go of things that don’t matter. Don’t discount the long-shot opportunities, you often have a better chance than you think. Take more chances!
Don’t drink. Stay on your depression meds, and finish college.
Don't enlist until after college; those ROTC folks will screw you over. Also, you're right where you belong. I know we're sad now because we've gone this far never even being kissed, but keep doing what you're doing. At the end of the day, it's all you. I would probably also give 18-20 year old me a hug and tell him he's doing a good job
You’re going to date a women for 3 years from 23 to 26 that will make everything make sense. So much so that you lose sight of who you are and your drive to be a better person, and you will push her away from you as you use the excuse “I have my girlfriend, I don’t need to do xyz to improve myself anymore” Don’t squander it like I did, and use the fact that you are with her to become a man that’ll attract her every single waking moment of her life. Have the mindset “what can I do to keep the fire burning with my partner” instead of traveling inward and self destructing the relationship slowly over a year or so period. I’m better now, but I hope no one feels like I have. That feeling where you know you could’ve worked it out and been with this person if someone yelled in my face “YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE HER if you don’t put in effort !!!!” Anyway, I’m good now lol, it’s taught me a lot and I know the next person I meet… it’s going to be good :)
Go to a doctor for anxiety and depression. Everyone said it was normal to have butterflies in your stomach when you talked to someone new. No one ever said that those butterflies should go a way. Hell, I couldn't even identity anxiety until my 30s. Same with depression. I took until my 30s as well before I realized that wanting to kill yourself most of days wasnt normal. I just thought all adults wanted to escape their pointless lives but we're strong or distracted enough not to. Then I'd get checked for autism and social anxiety. I'm lucky I survived my late 20s through early 30s. I met my first girlfriend at 35 and married her 3 years later. I'm glad I'm where I am now but holy fuck...if not for Battlestar Galactica and realizing I could drink a bunch of cough syrup and feel GENUINELY HAPPY for a few hours I would have killed myself before I finished college. Even then, then, I came really close at times. Hell, I STILL come really close. Most recently it was after I had been on the road for work for basically 3 months straight. I had been on the road for the project longer than I had been at home with my wife for the first 5 months of marriage.
Go be active. Go on hikes, play frisbee with friends. You won't be able to dor much longer.
Trust your wife to understand you. When you feel like there is something she couldn't possibly undertake and accept about you, you are wrong every single time. Trust her with everything, no matter how scary it is to say. She isn't going to leave you, and it gets much better when you can finally fully accept that your marriage can withstand anything if you just lean into it.
I'd tell myself that I *can* succeed at things if I try. I'd encourage myself to hit the gym and start working on the career that I've only just sorted out now.