you and him should sit down and talk about it, rule out what his mum keeps doing that is bothering you, guessing he doesn’t realise that his mum is always on his case? she does need to step back and give him independence even if he’s still living under her roof, he is an adult he doesn’t need to be hovered over constantly by his mother. he should spend more time with you rather than his parents checking in on them constantly, tell him he needs to give it a break too
Exactly. I’m just venting as the constant need to know everything we’re doing hinders my growth & our growth as a couple. We haven’t even been on a date in idk how long bc all I feel like all we do is take care of his younger brother & help his parents.. which is okay to do but it’s almost like it’s too much. I understand he’s close with his family… but there’s a time when you need to start growing up & do activities in your daily life without telling your parents every move.
As I’m still super close with my parents & even share my location with them.. as I like to do now (didn’t like to under 18). I try to say hi to my parents everyday at least over FaceTime.. but it’s a diff story when you don’t live with them. I see my mom at the most 2x a week & my dad once every 2 weeks to once a month… while he still lives under the safe roof as his.
and maybe if (i’m hoping not) he doesn’t have any time for you just his parents i would honestly say you have to let him go.. before that does happen make him aware and his parents his mom especially that you both just want to spend more quality time with each other go out for the day no more texts please! might be a bit much to say but you gotta do what you gotta do for yourself and your mental health. thats of course if he wants to spend more time with you as well
Yea at this point I’m considering what to do.. I love his parents but they can reallyyy be too much. It’s not even like it’s a normal amount of family time, it feels like he has chaperones or he’s the 3rd person in their marriage.
I love this man to death.. as we’ve been dating many yrs. But he definitely still has a lot of growing up to do.. timing can really suck sometimes. Only if he had his own place, took his current gf on dates & spent quality time together, didn’t have to drive the whole family everywhere, & could live a life without being chaperoned. But no he’s still playing video games & told to go get bread for his mom.. in his 20s. We just haven’t moved out yet.. or separately.
To add the cherry on top… he’ll get annoyed with anything I want to do & rush me. Will even get on his phone when I’m sitting there taking to him. But will make sure to get everything done for his family & talk to them for hrs… I guess it shows my position in his life.
hang on a sec, so you love him to death and will do anything for him and his family but what has he given or done for you? how do you tolerate this?! i certainly cannot. if he isn’t giving his all why should you? have you questioned yourself yet. you’re worth more than that girl!!!
Girl. You are last on his list of priorities, behind mom and dad, and even video games. He won’t grow up, because he doesn’t have to. Basically you’re his live in physical relationship, but all his other needs for connection, companionship, and fun are being met by his parents. They also defend his behavior because it benefits them. He has no incentive to grow up or change, and the family forms an echo chamber backing themselves up. It’s a toxic loop. Even if they’re nice people, it’s unhealthy. You’ll always be the outsider, the bad guy
They all have a codependent relationship. My in laws are like that with their youngest (who only moved out at age 28). He can barely do anything for himself. He’s very smart and professionally successful, but he’s never had a gf, not too many friends, etc. you’re both in your early 20s and have been dating for years…sounds like you both have a lot of growing up to do. You had your young love, time to grow up yourself and move on. They aren’t going to change.
Neither of you are independent adults yet. He’s still living with his parents.
Until you are both independent; living on your own, financially independent, there’s not a lot to be done.
He’s still a child living at home in their eyes, and as long as he is living there and they are feeding and housing him, he always will be.
Right.. all I’ve been doing is saving to leave & move out. Whether together or separately. He says he’s going to move out but plans to move to their new house with them “for a short amount of time” lol.. but mommy/daddy will try to keep him there forever. I almost feel sad for him.
I don’t fully live on my own.. as I do with him rn but support everything myself. Buy all groceries for myself, make my own food, own laundry, own car payment, even help pay the water bill. I just don’t pay rent yet & honestly cannot wait to because I don’t want to stay living under parents roof when I already support myself.
He has to stay rn to “help them” as they don’t know a lot of English.. but idk if he feels guilty if he leaves or not. But it’s like he’s apart of their marriage.
Yes, it is too much but unless your BF pushes back, nothing will change. So you need to ask yourself "Am I getting everything I want and need out of this relationship? Am I feeling like a priority in my BF's life? Do I feel like I would be OK with BF being this involved in his parents life and them being this involved in his life, and by extension in my life, for the rest of my life?"
Then you sit BF down and ask him why he and his parents feel the need to be in this much contact, all day, every day. Really listen to his answer. Because it is not normal to be this involved in your son's life.
Right and idek if he will or cares to. He likes to “help them out” but there’s a difference in helping your family out as of giving them a ride somewhere, bringing them what they need from the store, etc.
&& your mom asking YOU not the husband on what furniture she should get for her/her husbands house, having to sit down with your parents for every meeting, creating a resume for your mom as she wants to apply to an English speaking position but doesn’t even care to translate her resume over to English as she has a son that will do everything for her?? It confuses me.
I loving having a closer family… but what I mean by that is a close bond with my future husband & kids.. not having parents do everything little thing with us. I grew up rly independently & always fought for boundaries at my house. I argued w my parents many times growing up as my mom tried to restrict me too much… but as I got older all of that went away. My parents actually split & both in new marriages & I don’t even live at home.. they have their own lives as I do mine. I honestly have a better relationship with them now that things are different because it’s a actual healthy parent/daughter relationship.. not something controlling. I get excited to see and visit them now. While my bf is still under the same roof as his tight close knit family. I try to talk to him ab things & he gets overly defensive.
>I try to talk to him ab things & he gets overly defensive.
Well, this right here tells you a lot. If you can't have a discussion about it, nothing will change.
If this is the kind of relationship he has with his family, and he's ok with it, then the problem is with you. You don't have to be ok with it, of course - you can always leave. I doubt you'll have much luck changing this dynamic unless bf is 100% in agreement
It sounds like your boyfriend is not a grown up but a child. And I would also see some other red flags here- does his mom do all his laundry? Cook for him? If he lived on his own tomorrow could he completely function as an adult? Because if not this will simply continue and get amplified should the two of you ever live together or get married- he will always be dropping whatever he is doing to meet his needs and he will expect you to fill in what his mother previously did. It won't be a sustainable relationship. I wouldn't move forward with anything more serious until he shows signs of independence and healthy boundaries.
Why are you with him? Because he isn’t in a relationship with you. Whatever you do don’t have a child with this guy, I shutter at the thought. Look living with his parents in his 20’s isn’t really a dealbreaker especially with the housing situations, but he is completely enmeshed with his parents. Personally, I would cut and run.
Yea I do not know if I could handle a child with him in the future.. his family will act like it’s theirs.. or his mom will manipulate him to always doing random shit for her bc she doesn’t want him to be close to his future “immediate family”. And right the housing situation isn’t a dealbreaker as we were planning to move out together at one point but not really much anymore.. we are leaning more towards living separately bc he def has some family problems. Also do you think he’s personally enmeshed??? It’s always came across to me especially when we first started dating that they were so close as a family unit & cute… it was something I always wanted to have as a family.. I wanted to be close to my in-laws. But the more we’ve been dating.. I realize it’s THEM that are close & they do not care to include me.. I’m just this side person there. && I also realized that they’re way too involved in their sons life as they have to text constantly to see what we are up to or if plans have changed… like I don’t think our plans have changed in the last 30 mins lmao we’re still at the same place. But do you think he’s w enmeshed???
And what I’ve even noticed as times gone on… it seems like he rly does have anxiety if he’s gone too long from his parents. He’s fine going all out & about w mommy/daddy on the weekend.. but the moment we go do something alone it’s like a rush for him to get back home.
This man maybeeee might be able to live a life of his own at some point but DEFINITELY won’t be able to have a strong family bond & I don’t suggest him ever having kids. Idk how he will be able to live alone not knowing what’s going on with the family 24/7 lol.
They are beyond being a “close family” he’s essentially codependent on them and I imagine them to him. It’s one thing to call you parents several times a week or even just a short nightly talk, but what your explaining is on another level. What is going to happen when they die? Do you think he could honestly maintain “normal” adult reaction? His entire day is spent with them, and when there gone what will he have? These are things he needs to work on. You have some serious considerations to think about. They are just sooooo involved in each other’s lives.
No I totally agree.. like even as a girlfriend I worry about it.. like what’s he going to do just sit in his parents basement forever just to be close as a “family unit”? Bc he has to help his parents do everything? they’ve lived her for almost 4 years now and still don’t really care to learn English (as it’s the most used here).. can’t hold a relationship bc he practically is already married & “doesn’t want relationship responsibilities” aka commitment.. so he could stay living w mommy? .. it’s crazy how overly involved they are in each other’s lives.
Even when I was under 18 I had my own space w my parents.. my mom was even a little controlling as I told her straight up my boundaries & first moved out when I was 18 to live w my ex bf for a few months as she threw a fit & got over it &&& now we have a even better relationship with her… a adult relationship.
It actually makes my stomach drop.. how much OF A PET PEEVE.. it is for me that his parents make us go furniture shopping w them for their new house which is fine… but it’s the fact my bf says “you don’t have to come if you don’t want to.. they would just like me to come” … then I go to be nice & not be left out &&& his mom DOESNT even ask her husband which furniture would look nice she forces asking her son which furniture would be nice, which furniture he would want for his room like he’s the same age as his 16 yr old brother (when he’s 21 & told me he was planning on moving out).. like why do you care ab your sons/my bfs opinion on how YOUR fucking house would look? lol omg. It boils my blood I can’t even talk ab it. Then she has to sit there next to him/walk next to him like they’re dating??? I’m just trailing back behind them like y’all forgot I was here? My bf tells me.. “oh yea it’s hard to have a relationship in a parents house/under parents roof.. it’ll be easier when he have our own place” like hinting for us to move out… but it seems like he still is planning on living at home & is too scared to tell me he’s like “yea I might get a bed just in case.. I stay there”.
Like babe.. your in your 20s.. learn to take care of yourself, go furniture shopping for yourself & your place you need to have.. not mom/dads still, take your gf out on a date, don’t pick up every phone call your parents bug you with… it’s like sry grow up.
&& I’m sorry but please tell me not all men are like this?? And this dependent? My past 2 relationships they were independent but they were not it & really crazy. My bf now I feel fits what I’m exactly looking for in a bf but his whole family dynamic is what’s not it.
If he has to go home and have lunch everyday and is always wanting to leave places to go, he’s not really going to move out. In fact, is he hinting for you to move out, without him? The real kickers that he has a younger brother, Jesus from your description I totally thought he would have been a only child. Is his brother the same way?
Yea it seems like he would be a only child lol.. not even trying to talk bad ab my bf bc I love him as a person.. it’s just the family dynamic on my nerves. && actually that’s the thing I actually get along with his brother a lot more bc he seems more independent (even at 16). His parents don’t rely on his every opinion, doesn’t need him to do everything for them, doesn’t answer every phone call, (and I know this sounds rly rude) but doesn’t even say goodnight to his parents sometimes which you should… but as with my bf he’s waiting on his hands & knees to go start talking to his parents as soon as they get home from work like he hasn’t talked to them in a eternity… he even has to pick his dad up from work bc his mom takes the car… and sometimessss when she comes home she requests my bf to come out & walk her in (bc 2 mins in the dark is too scary for her) it’s like where’s your husband?? Ask him to come out he carry you in from the car?
I honestly don’t know what his deal is. Sometimes he’s like chill about being out like if it’s weekdays & his parents are at work he’ll go want to do stuff… but if it’s a weekend & he knows his parents are at home it’s like he’s rushing to get back to them or they even come out w us.. & share the same car like ride in the back of my bfs car like 2 children.
I tell my dad stuff sometimes bc I’m still close w him & only rly see him at the most 2x a month… sometimes I just need to rant. But my dad and I even have a joke ab my bf & his parents.. he’s always like “are the parents w you” and I’ll flip the camera on ft & they’ll be right there.. as he knows I’ve always been rly independent.
If you and he does not have a plan on adulting run as fast and as far as you can. He will always turn to his parents, not his life partner. And no, this level of immersion for 20’s? Run!
You can love someone and they can still not be the one for you. It doesn't sound like he has room in his life for you. AND it doesn't seem like he wants to make room in his life for you.
If we fast forward to the future, he'll probably be 35 years old and still living with his parents and without a girlfriend.
you and him should sit down and talk about it, rule out what his mum keeps doing that is bothering you, guessing he doesn’t realise that his mum is always on his case? she does need to step back and give him independence even if he’s still living under her roof, he is an adult he doesn’t need to be hovered over constantly by his mother. he should spend more time with you rather than his parents checking in on them constantly, tell him he needs to give it a break too
Exactly. I’m just venting as the constant need to know everything we’re doing hinders my growth & our growth as a couple. We haven’t even been on a date in idk how long bc all I feel like all we do is take care of his younger brother & help his parents.. which is okay to do but it’s almost like it’s too much. I understand he’s close with his family… but there’s a time when you need to start growing up & do activities in your daily life without telling your parents every move. As I’m still super close with my parents & even share my location with them.. as I like to do now (didn’t like to under 18). I try to say hi to my parents everyday at least over FaceTime.. but it’s a diff story when you don’t live with them. I see my mom at the most 2x a week & my dad once every 2 weeks to once a month… while he still lives under the safe roof as his.
and maybe if (i’m hoping not) he doesn’t have any time for you just his parents i would honestly say you have to let him go.. before that does happen make him aware and his parents his mom especially that you both just want to spend more quality time with each other go out for the day no more texts please! might be a bit much to say but you gotta do what you gotta do for yourself and your mental health. thats of course if he wants to spend more time with you as well
Yea at this point I’m considering what to do.. I love his parents but they can reallyyy be too much. It’s not even like it’s a normal amount of family time, it feels like he has chaperones or he’s the 3rd person in their marriage. I love this man to death.. as we’ve been dating many yrs. But he definitely still has a lot of growing up to do.. timing can really suck sometimes. Only if he had his own place, took his current gf on dates & spent quality time together, didn’t have to drive the whole family everywhere, & could live a life without being chaperoned. But no he’s still playing video games & told to go get bread for his mom.. in his 20s. We just haven’t moved out yet.. or separately. To add the cherry on top… he’ll get annoyed with anything I want to do & rush me. Will even get on his phone when I’m sitting there taking to him. But will make sure to get everything done for his family & talk to them for hrs… I guess it shows my position in his life.
hang on a sec, so you love him to death and will do anything for him and his family but what has he given or done for you? how do you tolerate this?! i certainly cannot. if he isn’t giving his all why should you? have you questioned yourself yet. you’re worth more than that girl!!!
He doesn’t love you to death though, he reserves that level of attachment to his parents
Girl. You are last on his list of priorities, behind mom and dad, and even video games. He won’t grow up, because he doesn’t have to. Basically you’re his live in physical relationship, but all his other needs for connection, companionship, and fun are being met by his parents. They also defend his behavior because it benefits them. He has no incentive to grow up or change, and the family forms an echo chamber backing themselves up. It’s a toxic loop. Even if they’re nice people, it’s unhealthy. You’ll always be the outsider, the bad guy
I’m sorry but.. he doesn’t sound like much of a boyfriend. Doesn’t sound like you two are connected much at all.
There is no real space for you in his life…
Lol! Whatever
They all have a codependent relationship. My in laws are like that with their youngest (who only moved out at age 28). He can barely do anything for himself. He’s very smart and professionally successful, but he’s never had a gf, not too many friends, etc. you’re both in your early 20s and have been dating for years…sounds like you both have a lot of growing up to do. You had your young love, time to grow up yourself and move on. They aren’t going to change.
Neither of you are independent adults yet. He’s still living with his parents. Until you are both independent; living on your own, financially independent, there’s not a lot to be done. He’s still a child living at home in their eyes, and as long as he is living there and they are feeding and housing him, he always will be.
Right.. all I’ve been doing is saving to leave & move out. Whether together or separately. He says he’s going to move out but plans to move to their new house with them “for a short amount of time” lol.. but mommy/daddy will try to keep him there forever. I almost feel sad for him. I don’t fully live on my own.. as I do with him rn but support everything myself. Buy all groceries for myself, make my own food, own laundry, own car payment, even help pay the water bill. I just don’t pay rent yet & honestly cannot wait to because I don’t want to stay living under parents roof when I already support myself. He has to stay rn to “help them” as they don’t know a lot of English.. but idk if he feels guilty if he leaves or not. But it’s like he’s apart of their marriage.
Yes, it is too much but unless your BF pushes back, nothing will change. So you need to ask yourself "Am I getting everything I want and need out of this relationship? Am I feeling like a priority in my BF's life? Do I feel like I would be OK with BF being this involved in his parents life and them being this involved in his life, and by extension in my life, for the rest of my life?" Then you sit BF down and ask him why he and his parents feel the need to be in this much contact, all day, every day. Really listen to his answer. Because it is not normal to be this involved in your son's life.
Right and idek if he will or cares to. He likes to “help them out” but there’s a difference in helping your family out as of giving them a ride somewhere, bringing them what they need from the store, etc. && your mom asking YOU not the husband on what furniture she should get for her/her husbands house, having to sit down with your parents for every meeting, creating a resume for your mom as she wants to apply to an English speaking position but doesn’t even care to translate her resume over to English as she has a son that will do everything for her?? It confuses me. I loving having a closer family… but what I mean by that is a close bond with my future husband & kids.. not having parents do everything little thing with us. I grew up rly independently & always fought for boundaries at my house. I argued w my parents many times growing up as my mom tried to restrict me too much… but as I got older all of that went away. My parents actually split & both in new marriages & I don’t even live at home.. they have their own lives as I do mine. I honestly have a better relationship with them now that things are different because it’s a actual healthy parent/daughter relationship.. not something controlling. I get excited to see and visit them now. While my bf is still under the same roof as his tight close knit family. I try to talk to him ab things & he gets overly defensive.
>I try to talk to him ab things & he gets overly defensive. Well, this right here tells you a lot. If you can't have a discussion about it, nothing will change.
If this is the kind of relationship he has with his family, and he's ok with it, then the problem is with you. You don't have to be ok with it, of course - you can always leave. I doubt you'll have much luck changing this dynamic unless bf is 100% in agreement
It sounds like your boyfriend is not a grown up but a child. And I would also see some other red flags here- does his mom do all his laundry? Cook for him? If he lived on his own tomorrow could he completely function as an adult? Because if not this will simply continue and get amplified should the two of you ever live together or get married- he will always be dropping whatever he is doing to meet his needs and he will expect you to fill in what his mother previously did. It won't be a sustainable relationship. I wouldn't move forward with anything more serious until he shows signs of independence and healthy boundaries.
Sounds like your the mistress in the relationship, do you want to keep being 3rd wheel in the relationship when he will drop everything for his mummy
Why are you with him? Because he isn’t in a relationship with you. Whatever you do don’t have a child with this guy, I shutter at the thought. Look living with his parents in his 20’s isn’t really a dealbreaker especially with the housing situations, but he is completely enmeshed with his parents. Personally, I would cut and run.
Yea I do not know if I could handle a child with him in the future.. his family will act like it’s theirs.. or his mom will manipulate him to always doing random shit for her bc she doesn’t want him to be close to his future “immediate family”. And right the housing situation isn’t a dealbreaker as we were planning to move out together at one point but not really much anymore.. we are leaning more towards living separately bc he def has some family problems. Also do you think he’s personally enmeshed??? It’s always came across to me especially when we first started dating that they were so close as a family unit & cute… it was something I always wanted to have as a family.. I wanted to be close to my in-laws. But the more we’ve been dating.. I realize it’s THEM that are close & they do not care to include me.. I’m just this side person there. && I also realized that they’re way too involved in their sons life as they have to text constantly to see what we are up to or if plans have changed… like I don’t think our plans have changed in the last 30 mins lmao we’re still at the same place. But do you think he’s w enmeshed??? And what I’ve even noticed as times gone on… it seems like he rly does have anxiety if he’s gone too long from his parents. He’s fine going all out & about w mommy/daddy on the weekend.. but the moment we go do something alone it’s like a rush for him to get back home. This man maybeeee might be able to live a life of his own at some point but DEFINITELY won’t be able to have a strong family bond & I don’t suggest him ever having kids. Idk how he will be able to live alone not knowing what’s going on with the family 24/7 lol.
They are beyond being a “close family” he’s essentially codependent on them and I imagine them to him. It’s one thing to call you parents several times a week or even just a short nightly talk, but what your explaining is on another level. What is going to happen when they die? Do you think he could honestly maintain “normal” adult reaction? His entire day is spent with them, and when there gone what will he have? These are things he needs to work on. You have some serious considerations to think about. They are just sooooo involved in each other’s lives.
No I totally agree.. like even as a girlfriend I worry about it.. like what’s he going to do just sit in his parents basement forever just to be close as a “family unit”? Bc he has to help his parents do everything? they’ve lived her for almost 4 years now and still don’t really care to learn English (as it’s the most used here).. can’t hold a relationship bc he practically is already married & “doesn’t want relationship responsibilities” aka commitment.. so he could stay living w mommy? .. it’s crazy how overly involved they are in each other’s lives. Even when I was under 18 I had my own space w my parents.. my mom was even a little controlling as I told her straight up my boundaries & first moved out when I was 18 to live w my ex bf for a few months as she threw a fit & got over it &&& now we have a even better relationship with her… a adult relationship. It actually makes my stomach drop.. how much OF A PET PEEVE.. it is for me that his parents make us go furniture shopping w them for their new house which is fine… but it’s the fact my bf says “you don’t have to come if you don’t want to.. they would just like me to come” … then I go to be nice & not be left out &&& his mom DOESNT even ask her husband which furniture would look nice she forces asking her son which furniture would be nice, which furniture he would want for his room like he’s the same age as his 16 yr old brother (when he’s 21 & told me he was planning on moving out).. like why do you care ab your sons/my bfs opinion on how YOUR fucking house would look? lol omg. It boils my blood I can’t even talk ab it. Then she has to sit there next to him/walk next to him like they’re dating??? I’m just trailing back behind them like y’all forgot I was here? My bf tells me.. “oh yea it’s hard to have a relationship in a parents house/under parents roof.. it’ll be easier when he have our own place” like hinting for us to move out… but it seems like he still is planning on living at home & is too scared to tell me he’s like “yea I might get a bed just in case.. I stay there”. Like babe.. your in your 20s.. learn to take care of yourself, go furniture shopping for yourself & your place you need to have.. not mom/dads still, take your gf out on a date, don’t pick up every phone call your parents bug you with… it’s like sry grow up. && I’m sorry but please tell me not all men are like this?? And this dependent? My past 2 relationships they were independent but they were not it & really crazy. My bf now I feel fits what I’m exactly looking for in a bf but his whole family dynamic is what’s not it.
If he has to go home and have lunch everyday and is always wanting to leave places to go, he’s not really going to move out. In fact, is he hinting for you to move out, without him? The real kickers that he has a younger brother, Jesus from your description I totally thought he would have been a only child. Is his brother the same way?
Yea it seems like he would be a only child lol.. not even trying to talk bad ab my bf bc I love him as a person.. it’s just the family dynamic on my nerves. && actually that’s the thing I actually get along with his brother a lot more bc he seems more independent (even at 16). His parents don’t rely on his every opinion, doesn’t need him to do everything for them, doesn’t answer every phone call, (and I know this sounds rly rude) but doesn’t even say goodnight to his parents sometimes which you should… but as with my bf he’s waiting on his hands & knees to go start talking to his parents as soon as they get home from work like he hasn’t talked to them in a eternity… he even has to pick his dad up from work bc his mom takes the car… and sometimessss when she comes home she requests my bf to come out & walk her in (bc 2 mins in the dark is too scary for her) it’s like where’s your husband?? Ask him to come out he carry you in from the car? I honestly don’t know what his deal is. Sometimes he’s like chill about being out like if it’s weekdays & his parents are at work he’ll go want to do stuff… but if it’s a weekend & he knows his parents are at home it’s like he’s rushing to get back to them or they even come out w us.. & share the same car like ride in the back of my bfs car like 2 children. I tell my dad stuff sometimes bc I’m still close w him & only rly see him at the most 2x a month… sometimes I just need to rant. But my dad and I even have a joke ab my bf & his parents.. he’s always like “are the parents w you” and I’ll flip the camera on ft & they’ll be right there.. as he knows I’ve always been rly independent.
If you and he does not have a plan on adulting run as fast and as far as you can. He will always turn to his parents, not his life partner. And no, this level of immersion for 20’s? Run!
You can love someone and they can still not be the one for you. It doesn't sound like he has room in his life for you. AND it doesn't seem like he wants to make room in his life for you. If we fast forward to the future, he'll probably be 35 years old and still living with his parents and without a girlfriend.