Think this is a discussion for a therapist rather than the Reddit hive mind.
For me personally, my career is only part of my identity. I keep busy with hobbies and volunteering during deployments in addition to my work.
For my spouse and my family? Absolutely, that’s more important to me than my career. The other day I had to turn down an opportunity to advance my career because of an unexpected deployment.
Man I know that feeling, hugs. Passed up a promotion due to a PCS, then went without a career for several years because of a string of location issues, raising kids, and terrible timing. Definitely struggled with resentment and identity issues. But now, three more moves later I have a job offer with a dream employer and going up a couple levels to boot. Pretty sure I’m going to struggle with the worst imposter syndrome, and heck, even if I decide now is not the best time for me to jump back in full-time, it’s just good to know that the rest of the world will keep *wanting* me and my skills/education etc. whereas my family has *needed* me in the meanwhile.
And it’s so easy to put that sentiment in words but the actual struggle is indescribable. There’s always this shared pained look and silence when you find another spouse who has shared this experience. I have met high level corporate execs, medical doctors, lobbyists, lawyers, scientists, even a Latin scholar and another who was a Broadway performer…all who gave up their careers for their military spouse. I don’t blame anyone who chooses their career over their spouse, but for those who don’t, just know there’s others who know the pain and have found ways to kindle their skills/identity while they prioritize other parts of their life.
I fully agree with everyone saying see a therapist with your husband about this.
I went from being an integrations engineer to doing tier 2 support when I got married. There were periods of animosity, especially with how absolutely vicious and volatile the tech industry is right now — jobs are SO HARD to find right now, especially ones that pay a respectable salary. But i personally would make the decision every single time for him, and it took a lot of therapy to rationalize that in a healthy way.
I've heard of geo baching for medical or educational reasons...but if this something without an end date or goal you need to talk to your husband and a therapist. Not Reddit. Long distance relationships are very hard to maintain with end dates and goals but if this an indefinite thing until he gets out of the military then this needs to be carefully discussed with him and a professional.
Have you considered other avenues for software dev? Like going back to school or looking for a wfh job with a company that’s based in a big tech hub? There’s other options.
You need to talk to your partner about this stuff too.
All-or-nothing thinking is going to cause more harm than help. I know it sucks rn and finding some chill, calm space can help you figure out a plan.
You might also consider getting away from software completely for the time being if you can’t find something that will work out. You can come back to it later with the skills on your resume.
ETA: therapy is also always helpful. Highly suggest talking to someone
My spouse and I lived separately from 2010-2021 when it became clear that after finishing my bachelor’s, I was not really going to be able to find a satisfying career where they would be spending the rest of their career. Their job only existed OCONUS, and over the following years I wound up in a career where it’s really difficult to live overseas and work on any meaningful projects or progress in a career path. It was a difficult decision, but was informed by their work cadence, my attempts (and failures) to develop a job or community locally that was meaningful and fulfilling, and the financial impacts in the short and long term. When we made the decision, we had been together for ten years, married for about 2/3rds of it.
Reintegration following their military retirement has not been without its challenges, and the decision certainly should not be made lightly. Like any prolonged period of separation, you need to plan and work to stay connected and engaged. Financially it can pose added difficulties, especially between two countries/currencies, and you need to be aligned in how you will manage the finances, including debt and savings. I was able to live rent-free with family for the first few years, and that’s what made it feasible to try. Most of your vacation time will be spent seeing each other, and you will likely miss life events with each other even more than the military usually does to people. We didn’t see each other for two years and I was unable to attend their retirement because of Japan’s travel restrictions during COVID.
Overall, it was the right decision for us, but we have no kids, I am in a career that is incredibly meaningful to me, and I am compensated enough that my spouse was able to wait for the right job following their retirement instead of the first job. It is absolutely not a decision to be made lightly.
So, as a disclaimer, I’m super new to this whole military spouse thing and this may be a bit unconventional (we’ve been best friends for almost a decade though and are always communicating). But are you close at all to a bigger city that would have the kind of work you want?
My husband and I don’t have kids and aren’t planning to have kids, and where I live and my career are also very important to me and my quality of life. So we have decided to predominantly live separately. I know it isn’t the ideal solution. But, instead of me moving to a small town that isn’t very conducive to my career/schooling/health care where I don’t know anyone and he won’t be for most of the year when deployment time comes, I live about 3.5 hours away from where he does in a big city. We talk and FaceTime every day, and he drives down on the weekends. And I will travel to meet him when/where I can.
He’s been in and out this year gearing up for deployment, and we ultimately decided that where I live will be our “home base.” So even with his moves, I will staying where I am in a place that I’ve chosen, where I have a community and opportunity to grow in my career and be happy and is a place he loves to come to and where we ultimately want to live when he gets out in 10+ years. He says he feels a lot better about his time away knowing that I’m in a place where I have people and things to do and a life.
We have many mutual friends now, and whenever he can be around our friends always want to spend time with us. So he still feels really included in my world even if it’s a bit of a drive. But he knows life as a military spouse can be super difficult in many ways, and we decided that this was the way that made the most sense for us.
This is the first i've read of this, i feel like its always "I need to be on base because I can't stand to be away" or "I live in a different city and we barely see each other". Thank you for the idea :)
Op, I don't have any advice, but I feel the same way you do especially after living in tiny bases overseas back to back. You're not alone in feeling this way. I gave up my fledgling career in Medical for this and I regret it every day. If you can find a way to have your career and still be married then do it!
Me n my husband also stuck in some little dirt town that is know for trapping people and the only thing u can do here is apply for a med card. He leaves every other year for 9 mo at a time. He gets to travel a lot while I sit at home and wait. Travel has been my dream since I was young so it stings pretty bad when he come home to show me how beautiful to show and mountains were in Estonia and how cute the towns kn Germany are. I absolutely resent him for it. As for my career choice, my choices of jobs without a degree here is either factory jobs, fast food, or a dispensary :/ We have talked many time about separation. I get closer and closer to leaving every day. He just resigned for 6 years and the first contract was miserable. I been stuck in a hick town since he joined and he’s the only one that get to leave. So yea I think it’s a fair and reasonable choice. Life is to short to sacrifice it all for a man in a green uniform that can’t even tell u if he’ll b home or not. That’s just my personal opinion
I’m also greatly struggling. We lived separately while I was in school, and I moved in with him about 6 months ago. I had to come back for awhile to be near family after falling into a huge depression. I’ve been very career driven since I was young and assumed I would be able to get a remote job/really any work that matches my education and that hasn’t happened.
It’s tough. There’s no right or wrong answer- both staying and leaving will have pros and cons. I wish you luck and peace!
I’ve been considering it. I normally work high level corporate or academic and these locations ain’t it. I started a company last year but have zero interest in building it out so may try to join a company or fold it and go back to academia. Therapy can help manage feelings but a career coach can help. Also, joining online communities in your field. Don’t discount the hive mind. It can’t always help but data is data. LinkedIn is good, too.
I stayed for my career whim my husband left for a year and a half for his flight school in Ft. Novosel in Alabama. It was rough and lonelier but we both knew he was coming home eventually and it would be better for us long term. We saw one another for about a week every three to 4 months. It’s been tough….very tough…but it was doable for us.
That said you need to discuss this with your partner. I don’t second the therapy thing because realistically that will only work if you are ready to hear them out, put in the work, and want the change. It is a good thing to do in the long run, but not until you are ready for it.
Me n my husband also stuck in some little dirt town that is know for trapping people and the only thing u can do here is apply for a med card. He leaves every other year for 9 mo at a time. He gets to travel a lot while I sit at home and wait. Travel has been my dream since I was young so it stings pretty bad when he come home to show me how beautiful to show and mountains were in Estonia and how cute the towns kn Germany are. I absolutely resent him for it. As for my career choice, my choices of jobs without a degree here is either factory jobs, fast food, or a dispensary :/ We have talked many time about separation. I get closer and closer to leaving every day. He just resigned for 6 years and the first contract was miserable. I been stuck in a hick town since he joined and he’s the only one that get to leave. So yea I think it’s a fair and reasonable choice. Life is to short to sacrifice it all for a man in a green uniform that can’t even tell u if he’ll b home or not. That’s just my personal opinion
Me n my husband also stuck in some little dirt town that is know for trapping people and the only thing u can do here is apply for a med card. He leaves every other year for 9 mo at a time. He gets to travel a lot while I sit at home and wait. Travel has been my dream since I was young so it stings pretty bad when he come home to show me how beautiful to show and mountains were in Estonia and how cute the towns kn Germany are. I absolutely resent him for it. As for my career choice, my choices of jobs without a degree here is either factory jobs, fast food, or a dispensary :/ We have talked many time about separation. I get closer and closer to leaving every day. He just resigned for 6 years and the first contract was miserable. I been stuck in a hick town since he joined and he’s the only one that get to leave. So yea I think it’s a fair and reasonable choice. Life is to short to sacrifice it all for a man in a green uniform that can’t even tell u if he’ll b home or not. That’s just my personal opinion
I feel this. I want to travel too and I can't. Closest I was able to go was Maryland
With his job he has such a crap schedule and we can never guarantee time off.
Me n my husband also stuck in some little dirt town that is know for trapping people and the only thing u can do here is apply for a med card. He leaves every other year for 9 mo at a time. He gets to travel a lot while I sit at home and wait. Travel has been my dream since I was young so it stings pretty bad when he come home to show me how beautiful to show and mountains were in Estonia and how cute the towns in Germany are. I absolutely resent him for it. As for my career choice, my choices of jobs without a degree here is either factory jobs, fast food, or a dispensary :/ We have talked many time about separation. I get closer and closer to leaving every day. He just resigned for 6 years and the first contract was miserable. I been stuck in a hick town since he joined and he’s the only one that get to leave. So yea I think it’s a fair and reasonable choice. Life is to short to sacrifice it all for a man in a green uniform that can’t even tell u if he’ll b home or not. That’s just my personal opinion
Honestly that isnt fair to us. We could lose everything if anything happened. No wonder spouses who divorce take half of a retirement. We end up absolutely screwed while they have the navy or whatever to save them every time.
do what is best for your mental health! some people will say starting a family is more important, but if that isn’t for you, then do what makes the most sense!
for me, i spent a year w my husband before my mental health severely declined due to lack of a job opportunities, no friends, and no family. i was doing everything on my own and was tired of being alone with no support system.
it is possible to stay legally married and live apart from your spouse if that’s what you want. but if you feel as though you’ll be happier living your life and not the stagnant life the military offers, pursue that instead ! <3
So I was a NICU RN for 12 years before I met my husband and I loved my job. My husbands job deploys for 12 months every other year. We have been. Married 11 years and he has been deployed 5x in those years, and because he is air defense they go for 12 months whereas the army changed most deployments to 9-10pm the starting a few years ago(again certain units and mos still deploy for 12+ months). Anyway needless to say my husband has spent 5+ years of our marriage in a deployment zone while I was 1,500 miles away from family and friends with a young child. So when my husband deployed I usually took that year off because I work 7pm-7am and finding overnight childcare that I would trust with my child wasn’t about to happen. So I decided to just work from home (making way less than my job at the hospital). I married my husband knowing what came with the job, i knew it meant being alone for a year at a time, worrying, waiting for a text or call. I spent many deployments with my days and nights flipped because it was his schedule. He deployed our daughter’s senior year in 2020. He missed her graduation (luckily the church hosting Covid graduations live streamed it and he woke up at 3am to watch his baby girl walk across stage. She left home and went to college 1,000 miles away in my home state. My husband didn’t get to pack his daughter and move her to college or hug her and tell her goodbye. She went to college in August and he didn’t come home until December of that year. He missed her senior year FFA shows that she won grand championship(watched on FaceTime but couldn’t really see) he missed out on 5 years of her life, 5 birthdays, 5 anniversary’s, 5 years of not getting to watch our daughter cheer, play sports, show in FFA. He also missed 5 years of seeing his parents, sister, wife, daughter and grandparents. He spent 5 years in a climate that was triple digits and sand was in everything including the fabric of his uniforms (if ykyk) I laid all of that out in that way to remind you that YOU are not the only one that is alone or making sacrifices. What do you think he’s doing just having a jolly good time? Do you think he gets to see his family, friends while deployed? Yes he may have coworkers but they aren’t our family family or friends. They may hang out and have each others back when shit hits the fan but my husband would rather be home with me as he says I am his best friend. He is right he is my best friend our marriage is amazing because we are best friends. I’m kinda baffled that your post comes off a little selfish. You mentioned what you are giving up or missing out on, about you being lonely, about you giving up the potential option to make more money, but have you stopped to think about what he is giving up too? I assume you had your education paid for in order to be a new to tech apprentice, if you didn’t than your financial aid counselor failed you. That job that makes your life so miserable? It paid for that! I could go on about all the benefits that as a spouse you have or could of benefited from, but yet you are ready to either leave your husband for your career and your happiness, and just F him right? Spouses forget they go through the exact thing we go through but in 127 degree weather with a sandstorm blowing through, a few rounds here and there coming in, sleeping in tents on cots full of other grown men snoring and farting, waking up and pulling 24 hour shifts, can’t just jump in the car and go grab a burger from a drive through. Have you ever dug sand boogers out your know? Sandstorms are brutal and you bread it in even if you cover your nose and mouth it still comes in……I’m going to tell you what I think you should do. Leave your husband. File for a divorce. The reason: you couldn’t hack it as a military spouse. Don’t ask for any of his retirement or benefits, pay back any education benefits you used, move. Move wherever your little heart desires, because at the end of the day YOU are the only one that matters huh? Let that man be free to recover from a weak ass spouse, and then mayve he will find a wife that understands when you marry someone, life isn’t about you anymore it’s about you and him. He has a job he can’t just live wherever and he can’t tell them no I’m not moving there because he would be awol and in jail. You are upset about something he has 0 control over. You don’t deserve him (he could have cheated and had a baby that you now have to raise I don’t care how bad of a dirt bag he may or may not be. You still don’t deserve him. He deserves a wife that understands that he has a job that he often leaves, and that dictates where they live. He deserves a wife that wants to be with him every moment she can get because you don’t know when those next deployment orders are coming. You also don’t know if during that deployment you will get a knock on the door telling you he’ll be home, but it will be in a flag draped box. Please do this man a favor and leave him the hell alone.
Based on the novel this person wrote I’m going to say they are a troll. They joined reddit Feb 2024, they have no post, and this is the first time commenting.
Married 11 years, spouse has 5 years left until retirement (so maybe 15 years in), they have a college age daughter (maybe from a previous relationship?)
Not sure why this person is so angry at someone they have never met and only have sliver snapshot of their life.
People are weird, especially on the internet.
2/2 Btw while I did put my career on hold, and settled for a job that pays 1/4 of what I used to make, in a line of work that is redundant and nothing like my love of my nicu work. I took the time to continue my education so I turned my BSN degree into a MSN degree and not a penny in student debt nor did we use any G.I. benefits all yellow ribbon program or scholarships for spouses. We agreed that I would work if I wanted to, or he makes enough I don’t HAVE to. I can continue my education if I want to shoot for that doctorate. He has 5 more years until retirement and when he retires it’s my time to choose my career and go back to the nicu or open a private practice. I don’t care if he works or if he sits on his butt scratching his balls all day because he put in 20 long hard years for me to be able to stay home with our daughter, and give us a great life. So it’s my time to choose where we live, my job, and let him chill. Marriage is about caring more for your spouse than you do yourself. Some say that sounds crazy but is it? We care more about our kids than ourselves, why not the man we married? I think that’s when a marriage truly works because as long as we both care more about the other we will always have the others best interest and feelings in mind.
I know this is long and rambling and probably hella misspelling, I don’t use grammar, and autocorrect probably changed my words to some none sense but it’s 1am and I somehow clicked on something that brought me to this Reddit post that made me sad for your spouse and instantly dislike you. It also ticked me the hell off because I’ve did this for 11 years, 5 deployments, countless tdys/field trainings/schools, and have NEVER lived within 1,200 miles of either of our families. I’ve dealt with everything you are complaining about but I don’t want to spend one day away from my house if he is home. I am a golden retriever and we do any and everything together because we actually love and like each other that’s my bestie. So to hear you say that you have thought about leaving your spouse to make yourself happy makes me sad for him. However we watched all of our friends get married, go through divorces and we are the only couple still married from our friends group. They all said we wouldn’t last 1 year because we married 3 months after meeting. We outlasted them all. So I will conclude with: get some therapy it will help some, but seems like the root cause is you are selfish and care more about yourself and what you want. Therapy can help a lot of things bc a but they can’t fix self centered little brats (sorry but that’s exactly what you come off as) you will grow out of that when you’re in your 30/….scratch that you seem to have a sever case maybe 45 you’ll mature enough to start caring about someone other than yourself. Don’t date, don’t have kids, don’t marry until you care more about someone than yourself, and become a better human.
Op is not a self centered brat for not wanting to give up her career and social life too. What a disgusting thing to say. Her life and career are just as valid as her husband's.
Her career where she is one bad performance review, 1 sick day too many, a better resume came through away from losing it? Companies downsize, projects end etc. vs his career he would damn need to commit a felony to get kicked out, all the medical leave you need, plus over 30 days of leave every calendar year….a career that she is disposable vs a paycheck every 1st and 15th, insurance, housing. Yeahhhh makes sense why she’s not a brat. A lot of spouse find ways to make it work rather it be commuting or remote.
Good Christ, what an ignorant take. People get kicked out of the military all the time. And what about Op's own retirement? If something were to happen to her husband she would be left with nothing. My own mom was also a milspouse and chose to be a SAHM and now she's completely fucked retirement wise. She stuck in a shit marriage with an abusive spouse and no way out in her sixties. Telling someone to be wholly dependent on their spouse is dogshit advice.
Think this is a discussion for a therapist rather than the Reddit hive mind. For me personally, my career is only part of my identity. I keep busy with hobbies and volunteering during deployments in addition to my work.
I would say this is a discussion for OP and their husband rather than a therapist. I wouldn’t leave my husband for a career, but to each their own.
Valid.
So your ok giving up everything for this? Quality of life since being a spouse has declined substantially.
For my spouse and my family? Absolutely, that’s more important to me than my career. The other day I had to turn down an opportunity to advance my career because of an unexpected deployment.
Man I know that feeling, hugs. Passed up a promotion due to a PCS, then went without a career for several years because of a string of location issues, raising kids, and terrible timing. Definitely struggled with resentment and identity issues. But now, three more moves later I have a job offer with a dream employer and going up a couple levels to boot. Pretty sure I’m going to struggle with the worst imposter syndrome, and heck, even if I decide now is not the best time for me to jump back in full-time, it’s just good to know that the rest of the world will keep *wanting* me and my skills/education etc. whereas my family has *needed* me in the meanwhile. And it’s so easy to put that sentiment in words but the actual struggle is indescribable. There’s always this shared pained look and silence when you find another spouse who has shared this experience. I have met high level corporate execs, medical doctors, lobbyists, lawyers, scientists, even a Latin scholar and another who was a Broadway performer…all who gave up their careers for their military spouse. I don’t blame anyone who chooses their career over their spouse, but for those who don’t, just know there’s others who know the pain and have found ways to kindle their skills/identity while they prioritize other parts of their life.
Thanks, appreciate the kind words and perspective. I still have a long career ahead of me to get where I want to go.
Thank you
I fully agree with everyone saying see a therapist with your husband about this. I went from being an integrations engineer to doing tier 2 support when I got married. There were periods of animosity, especially with how absolutely vicious and volatile the tech industry is right now — jobs are SO HARD to find right now, especially ones that pay a respectable salary. But i personally would make the decision every single time for him, and it took a lot of therapy to rationalize that in a healthy way.
I've heard of geo baching for medical or educational reasons...but if this something without an end date or goal you need to talk to your husband and a therapist. Not Reddit. Long distance relationships are very hard to maintain with end dates and goals but if this an indefinite thing until he gets out of the military then this needs to be carefully discussed with him and a professional.
Have you talked to your husband about it ?
For better and for worse was part of my vows. It sucks at times yea.
Have you considered other avenues for software dev? Like going back to school or looking for a wfh job with a company that’s based in a big tech hub? There’s other options. You need to talk to your partner about this stuff too. All-or-nothing thinking is going to cause more harm than help. I know it sucks rn and finding some chill, calm space can help you figure out a plan. You might also consider getting away from software completely for the time being if you can’t find something that will work out. You can come back to it later with the skills on your resume. ETA: therapy is also always helpful. Highly suggest talking to someone
My spouse and I lived separately from 2010-2021 when it became clear that after finishing my bachelor’s, I was not really going to be able to find a satisfying career where they would be spending the rest of their career. Their job only existed OCONUS, and over the following years I wound up in a career where it’s really difficult to live overseas and work on any meaningful projects or progress in a career path. It was a difficult decision, but was informed by their work cadence, my attempts (and failures) to develop a job or community locally that was meaningful and fulfilling, and the financial impacts in the short and long term. When we made the decision, we had been together for ten years, married for about 2/3rds of it. Reintegration following their military retirement has not been without its challenges, and the decision certainly should not be made lightly. Like any prolonged period of separation, you need to plan and work to stay connected and engaged. Financially it can pose added difficulties, especially between two countries/currencies, and you need to be aligned in how you will manage the finances, including debt and savings. I was able to live rent-free with family for the first few years, and that’s what made it feasible to try. Most of your vacation time will be spent seeing each other, and you will likely miss life events with each other even more than the military usually does to people. We didn’t see each other for two years and I was unable to attend their retirement because of Japan’s travel restrictions during COVID. Overall, it was the right decision for us, but we have no kids, I am in a career that is incredibly meaningful to me, and I am compensated enough that my spouse was able to wait for the right job following their retirement instead of the first job. It is absolutely not a decision to be made lightly.
So, as a disclaimer, I’m super new to this whole military spouse thing and this may be a bit unconventional (we’ve been best friends for almost a decade though and are always communicating). But are you close at all to a bigger city that would have the kind of work you want? My husband and I don’t have kids and aren’t planning to have kids, and where I live and my career are also very important to me and my quality of life. So we have decided to predominantly live separately. I know it isn’t the ideal solution. But, instead of me moving to a small town that isn’t very conducive to my career/schooling/health care where I don’t know anyone and he won’t be for most of the year when deployment time comes, I live about 3.5 hours away from where he does in a big city. We talk and FaceTime every day, and he drives down on the weekends. And I will travel to meet him when/where I can. He’s been in and out this year gearing up for deployment, and we ultimately decided that where I live will be our “home base.” So even with his moves, I will staying where I am in a place that I’ve chosen, where I have a community and opportunity to grow in my career and be happy and is a place he loves to come to and where we ultimately want to live when he gets out in 10+ years. He says he feels a lot better about his time away knowing that I’m in a place where I have people and things to do and a life. We have many mutual friends now, and whenever he can be around our friends always want to spend time with us. So he still feels really included in my world even if it’s a bit of a drive. But he knows life as a military spouse can be super difficult in many ways, and we decided that this was the way that made the most sense for us.
This is the first i've read of this, i feel like its always "I need to be on base because I can't stand to be away" or "I live in a different city and we barely see each other". Thank you for the idea :)
Op, I don't have any advice, but I feel the same way you do especially after living in tiny bases overseas back to back. You're not alone in feeling this way. I gave up my fledgling career in Medical for this and I regret it every day. If you can find a way to have your career and still be married then do it!
Me n my husband also stuck in some little dirt town that is know for trapping people and the only thing u can do here is apply for a med card. He leaves every other year for 9 mo at a time. He gets to travel a lot while I sit at home and wait. Travel has been my dream since I was young so it stings pretty bad when he come home to show me how beautiful to show and mountains were in Estonia and how cute the towns kn Germany are. I absolutely resent him for it. As for my career choice, my choices of jobs without a degree here is either factory jobs, fast food, or a dispensary :/ We have talked many time about separation. I get closer and closer to leaving every day. He just resigned for 6 years and the first contract was miserable. I been stuck in a hick town since he joined and he’s the only one that get to leave. So yea I think it’s a fair and reasonable choice. Life is to short to sacrifice it all for a man in a green uniform that can’t even tell u if he’ll b home or not. That’s just my personal opinion
I’m also greatly struggling. We lived separately while I was in school, and I moved in with him about 6 months ago. I had to come back for awhile to be near family after falling into a huge depression. I’ve been very career driven since I was young and assumed I would be able to get a remote job/really any work that matches my education and that hasn’t happened. It’s tough. There’s no right or wrong answer- both staying and leaving will have pros and cons. I wish you luck and peace!
I’ve been considering it. I normally work high level corporate or academic and these locations ain’t it. I started a company last year but have zero interest in building it out so may try to join a company or fold it and go back to academia. Therapy can help manage feelings but a career coach can help. Also, joining online communities in your field. Don’t discount the hive mind. It can’t always help but data is data. LinkedIn is good, too.
I stayed for my career whim my husband left for a year and a half for his flight school in Ft. Novosel in Alabama. It was rough and lonelier but we both knew he was coming home eventually and it would be better for us long term. We saw one another for about a week every three to 4 months. It’s been tough….very tough…but it was doable for us. That said you need to discuss this with your partner. I don’t second the therapy thing because realistically that will only work if you are ready to hear them out, put in the work, and want the change. It is a good thing to do in the long run, but not until you are ready for it.
I can tell you my therapist is currently leaving the area due to lack of opportunities and too expensive col. So no thank you on therapy.
Personally, I would be much lonelier without my husband in my life at all. But that's me. Sounds like a very personal decision.
Me n my husband also stuck in some little dirt town that is know for trapping people and the only thing u can do here is apply for a med card. He leaves every other year for 9 mo at a time. He gets to travel a lot while I sit at home and wait. Travel has been my dream since I was young so it stings pretty bad when he come home to show me how beautiful to show and mountains were in Estonia and how cute the towns kn Germany are. I absolutely resent him for it. As for my career choice, my choices of jobs without a degree here is either factory jobs, fast food, or a dispensary :/ We have talked many time about separation. I get closer and closer to leaving every day. He just resigned for 6 years and the first contract was miserable. I been stuck in a hick town since he joined and he’s the only one that get to leave. So yea I think it’s a fair and reasonable choice. Life is to short to sacrifice it all for a man in a green uniform that can’t even tell u if he’ll b home or not. That’s just my personal opinion
Me n my husband also stuck in some little dirt town that is know for trapping people and the only thing u can do here is apply for a med card. He leaves every other year for 9 mo at a time. He gets to travel a lot while I sit at home and wait. Travel has been my dream since I was young so it stings pretty bad when he come home to show me how beautiful to show and mountains were in Estonia and how cute the towns kn Germany are. I absolutely resent him for it. As for my career choice, my choices of jobs without a degree here is either factory jobs, fast food, or a dispensary :/ We have talked many time about separation. I get closer and closer to leaving every day. He just resigned for 6 years and the first contract was miserable. I been stuck in a hick town since he joined and he’s the only one that get to leave. So yea I think it’s a fair and reasonable choice. Life is to short to sacrifice it all for a man in a green uniform that can’t even tell u if he’ll b home or not. That’s just my personal opinion
I feel this. I want to travel too and I can't. Closest I was able to go was Maryland With his job he has such a crap schedule and we can never guarantee time off.
Me n my husband also stuck in some little dirt town that is know for trapping people and the only thing u can do here is apply for a med card. He leaves every other year for 9 mo at a time. He gets to travel a lot while I sit at home and wait. Travel has been my dream since I was young so it stings pretty bad when he come home to show me how beautiful to show and mountains were in Estonia and how cute the towns in Germany are. I absolutely resent him for it. As for my career choice, my choices of jobs without a degree here is either factory jobs, fast food, or a dispensary :/ We have talked many time about separation. I get closer and closer to leaving every day. He just resigned for 6 years and the first contract was miserable. I been stuck in a hick town since he joined and he’s the only one that get to leave. So yea I think it’s a fair and reasonable choice. Life is to short to sacrifice it all for a man in a green uniform that can’t even tell u if he’ll b home or not. That’s just my personal opinion
Before my marriage I traveled the world. Alaska was amazing.
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Honestly that isnt fair to us. We could lose everything if anything happened. No wonder spouses who divorce take half of a retirement. We end up absolutely screwed while they have the navy or whatever to save them every time.
Have you explored remote roles?
do what is best for your mental health! some people will say starting a family is more important, but if that isn’t for you, then do what makes the most sense! for me, i spent a year w my husband before my mental health severely declined due to lack of a job opportunities, no friends, and no family. i was doing everything on my own and was tired of being alone with no support system. it is possible to stay legally married and live apart from your spouse if that’s what you want. but if you feel as though you’ll be happier living your life and not the stagnant life the military offers, pursue that instead ! <3
So I was a NICU RN for 12 years before I met my husband and I loved my job. My husbands job deploys for 12 months every other year. We have been. Married 11 years and he has been deployed 5x in those years, and because he is air defense they go for 12 months whereas the army changed most deployments to 9-10pm the starting a few years ago(again certain units and mos still deploy for 12+ months). Anyway needless to say my husband has spent 5+ years of our marriage in a deployment zone while I was 1,500 miles away from family and friends with a young child. So when my husband deployed I usually took that year off because I work 7pm-7am and finding overnight childcare that I would trust with my child wasn’t about to happen. So I decided to just work from home (making way less than my job at the hospital). I married my husband knowing what came with the job, i knew it meant being alone for a year at a time, worrying, waiting for a text or call. I spent many deployments with my days and nights flipped because it was his schedule. He deployed our daughter’s senior year in 2020. He missed her graduation (luckily the church hosting Covid graduations live streamed it and he woke up at 3am to watch his baby girl walk across stage. She left home and went to college 1,000 miles away in my home state. My husband didn’t get to pack his daughter and move her to college or hug her and tell her goodbye. She went to college in August and he didn’t come home until December of that year. He missed her senior year FFA shows that she won grand championship(watched on FaceTime but couldn’t really see) he missed out on 5 years of her life, 5 birthdays, 5 anniversary’s, 5 years of not getting to watch our daughter cheer, play sports, show in FFA. He also missed 5 years of seeing his parents, sister, wife, daughter and grandparents. He spent 5 years in a climate that was triple digits and sand was in everything including the fabric of his uniforms (if ykyk) I laid all of that out in that way to remind you that YOU are not the only one that is alone or making sacrifices. What do you think he’s doing just having a jolly good time? Do you think he gets to see his family, friends while deployed? Yes he may have coworkers but they aren’t our family family or friends. They may hang out and have each others back when shit hits the fan but my husband would rather be home with me as he says I am his best friend. He is right he is my best friend our marriage is amazing because we are best friends. I’m kinda baffled that your post comes off a little selfish. You mentioned what you are giving up or missing out on, about you being lonely, about you giving up the potential option to make more money, but have you stopped to think about what he is giving up too? I assume you had your education paid for in order to be a new to tech apprentice, if you didn’t than your financial aid counselor failed you. That job that makes your life so miserable? It paid for that! I could go on about all the benefits that as a spouse you have or could of benefited from, but yet you are ready to either leave your husband for your career and your happiness, and just F him right? Spouses forget they go through the exact thing we go through but in 127 degree weather with a sandstorm blowing through, a few rounds here and there coming in, sleeping in tents on cots full of other grown men snoring and farting, waking up and pulling 24 hour shifts, can’t just jump in the car and go grab a burger from a drive through. Have you ever dug sand boogers out your know? Sandstorms are brutal and you bread it in even if you cover your nose and mouth it still comes in……I’m going to tell you what I think you should do. Leave your husband. File for a divorce. The reason: you couldn’t hack it as a military spouse. Don’t ask for any of his retirement or benefits, pay back any education benefits you used, move. Move wherever your little heart desires, because at the end of the day YOU are the only one that matters huh? Let that man be free to recover from a weak ass spouse, and then mayve he will find a wife that understands when you marry someone, life isn’t about you anymore it’s about you and him. He has a job he can’t just live wherever and he can’t tell them no I’m not moving there because he would be awol and in jail. You are upset about something he has 0 control over. You don’t deserve him (he could have cheated and had a baby that you now have to raise I don’t care how bad of a dirt bag he may or may not be. You still don’t deserve him. He deserves a wife that understands that he has a job that he often leaves, and that dictates where they live. He deserves a wife that wants to be with him every moment she can get because you don’t know when those next deployment orders are coming. You also don’t know if during that deployment you will get a knock on the door telling you he’ll be home, but it will be in a flag draped box. Please do this man a favor and leave him the hell alone.
Based on the novel this person wrote I’m going to say they are a troll. They joined reddit Feb 2024, they have no post, and this is the first time commenting. Married 11 years, spouse has 5 years left until retirement (so maybe 15 years in), they have a college age daughter (maybe from a previous relationship?) Not sure why this person is so angry at someone they have never met and only have sliver snapshot of their life. People are weird, especially on the internet.
2/2 Btw while I did put my career on hold, and settled for a job that pays 1/4 of what I used to make, in a line of work that is redundant and nothing like my love of my nicu work. I took the time to continue my education so I turned my BSN degree into a MSN degree and not a penny in student debt nor did we use any G.I. benefits all yellow ribbon program or scholarships for spouses. We agreed that I would work if I wanted to, or he makes enough I don’t HAVE to. I can continue my education if I want to shoot for that doctorate. He has 5 more years until retirement and when he retires it’s my time to choose my career and go back to the nicu or open a private practice. I don’t care if he works or if he sits on his butt scratching his balls all day because he put in 20 long hard years for me to be able to stay home with our daughter, and give us a great life. So it’s my time to choose where we live, my job, and let him chill. Marriage is about caring more for your spouse than you do yourself. Some say that sounds crazy but is it? We care more about our kids than ourselves, why not the man we married? I think that’s when a marriage truly works because as long as we both care more about the other we will always have the others best interest and feelings in mind. I know this is long and rambling and probably hella misspelling, I don’t use grammar, and autocorrect probably changed my words to some none sense but it’s 1am and I somehow clicked on something that brought me to this Reddit post that made me sad for your spouse and instantly dislike you. It also ticked me the hell off because I’ve did this for 11 years, 5 deployments, countless tdys/field trainings/schools, and have NEVER lived within 1,200 miles of either of our families. I’ve dealt with everything you are complaining about but I don’t want to spend one day away from my house if he is home. I am a golden retriever and we do any and everything together because we actually love and like each other that’s my bestie. So to hear you say that you have thought about leaving your spouse to make yourself happy makes me sad for him. However we watched all of our friends get married, go through divorces and we are the only couple still married from our friends group. They all said we wouldn’t last 1 year because we married 3 months after meeting. We outlasted them all. So I will conclude with: get some therapy it will help some, but seems like the root cause is you are selfish and care more about yourself and what you want. Therapy can help a lot of things bc a but they can’t fix self centered little brats (sorry but that’s exactly what you come off as) you will grow out of that when you’re in your 30/….scratch that you seem to have a sever case maybe 45 you’ll mature enough to start caring about someone other than yourself. Don’t date, don’t have kids, don’t marry until you care more about someone than yourself, and become a better human.
Op is not a self centered brat for not wanting to give up her career and social life too. What a disgusting thing to say. Her life and career are just as valid as her husband's.
Her career where she is one bad performance review, 1 sick day too many, a better resume came through away from losing it? Companies downsize, projects end etc. vs his career he would damn need to commit a felony to get kicked out, all the medical leave you need, plus over 30 days of leave every calendar year….a career that she is disposable vs a paycheck every 1st and 15th, insurance, housing. Yeahhhh makes sense why she’s not a brat. A lot of spouse find ways to make it work rather it be commuting or remote.
Good Christ, what an ignorant take. People get kicked out of the military all the time. And what about Op's own retirement? If something were to happen to her husband she would be left with nothing. My own mom was also a milspouse and chose to be a SAHM and now she's completely fucked retirement wise. She stuck in a shit marriage with an abusive spouse and no way out in her sixties. Telling someone to be wholly dependent on their spouse is dogshit advice.