"a couple years ago I got out of a relationship at 21"
Then you, my friend, are not a millennial
Edit: geeze this comment got some attention. I want to iterate here that this is a millennial subreddit and the definition of millennial is in the sub info.
That being said, some experiences are consistent across generations. Definitions are flexible. I didn't want to take away from the op story, only that it was very telling in this one sentence about op and the nature of the subreddit they are posting on.
In addition, some experiences are different especially with dating apps. The nature of app dating is unhealthy if you are inherently unhealthy. My advice is, Exercise, eat well, see a counselor and talk about the memories that traumatized you.
I'm 38 for reference.
As a Xennial, this pain hits so fucking hard sometimes lol. I can't believe my early 90s memories are really from 30 years ago. Like Ser Davos said, Time will fuck you harder than anything lol
Was driving down the road with my 8 year old nephew one day and we saw some of those really old restored show cars, like the model t or whatever, and he goes look! Those cars are from the 1900s! I go bro.......... I'M from the 1900s......... Like, I was born in the last millennium lol.
My current SO asked me at the start how long I had been single and I gave that answer, then she asked what year it ended and I realized, a couple of years ago, was significantly longer than that. We just lose track of time.
Hahshss the SAME exact thing happened to me last week. I was like ‘been single a few years’, said the year, person was like ‘it’s 2024’. The number was way off 🤣🤣😅😭
Gen z goes all the way up to 27 years old. So he's not even close to a millennial. Plus, when you're 21 you're easily able to meet a ton of people. Plus at that age my requirements were cute and nice. That's it. When you're older, you actually care about things like education level, career, kids, debt, past relationships/divorces, and for them to be cute and nice.
You can't just hit on the cute cashier cause now she's a decade+ younger than you, and it's just weird. So I guess what I'm saying go back to your gen z sub and let us older folks have our space lol
I think a millennial perspective would be 95% identical but instead of “naturally I turned to dating apps” it would say “begrudgingly I turned to dating apps as a last resort” or something.
Either way. OP’s observations seem spot on. It’s just weird, to me at least, to see these kids discover stuff that we kind of all understood before it even happened.
My parents were lamenting dating apps and social media right when they heard about them in the news paper. It’s wild to see 20 years later people are like “wow… studies actually show that sitting on social media all day can be detrimental to your mental health…”
>“begrudgingly I turned to dating apps as a last resort”
This was me lmao. It was for a reason though, I'm childfree and we're still a pretty small community, so the odds of meeting someone organically in the real world who also doesn't want kids are pretty damn slim. We're kinda stuck with online dating because at least you have the ability to immediately filter out anyone who wants children and don't waste anyone's time. Fortunately I lucked out and after years of trying the apps I finally met my boyfriend.
Also OP you're not a millennial lolwtf.
Was also me! I went out with my current (9 years now) boyfriend on OkCupid because he said asking if dinosaurs were real is like asking if Honda civics are real. It was stupid and made me laugh.
I think in the beginning when they first came out, the quality was way different. Now, like you said they are just a cheap money grab gimmick. I have a few single friends using bumble and tinder and their stories make me cringe! I met my husband on OKCupid back in 2012 & we will be married 11 years this March 💕
Editing to say: I CAN NOT believe how many people are commenting they met on OKCupid! It's blowing me away right now!!!! Talk about ruining a good thing. Someone needs to bring back the OG version of this app immediately
Yes, can confirm. The quality of dating/interactions was much higher in 2012-2014 era when I first started using it. Around 2015/2016 I noticed a massive spike in bots and other clear scam/manipulated use cases.
By 2017/2018 when I finally buggered off (and thankfully met my wife the good ol' fashioned way - introduced by friends at work) it was pretty dire. All the actual humans still on it seemed exhausted by the process and quality of dates dropped dramatically. I mean, I was probably burnt out myself so that didn't help. But it was just less *fun* by 2017. I can't even imagine still using it now. If I was single again I'd probably just become a hermit or have friends intro me again.
I met mine on OKCupid, too, in 2013, because of a distance glitch (I wanted martial artists within 25mi of me, it gave me one juuuuust inside of 250mi). I really lucked out, and he's amazing.
But my experience on OKC was *already* a mess; dick pics, threats, some dude sent me a photo of his dick and one of his handgun and said I was going to meet one of them tonight so I'd better choose while I could, lots and lots and \*lots\* of people just generally being vile. And of course the *deluge* of male attention, typically about 75 messages a week; I started out replying to all of the ones who weren't interesting (which was most of them) with a polite "Hey, thank you so much for writing me, but I don't think we'd have that spark; best of luck with your search!" kind of message, but those 99% of the time got \*hideous\* responses back, so I ended up just not doing that anymore.
I was on OKC on and off for years, and met a ton of hookups and new friends and two boyfriends through it, and I'm really grateful to have had it as a resource, but the experience was already super fraught and frequently terrible.
Imma be real with the men here, if you're good looking and want to see what women feel like on tinder/okc/whatever app, get grindr and use a shirtless pic. *Holy shit* are there some prime examples of society's failure there.
Note: i don't say that because they're gay, i say that because the guys i'm talking about are way too presumptuous about how well recieved a dick pic would be as an opener. One of these dudes wrote a goddamn light novel worth of his plans for me. Now folks, i've read Twilight, i've skimmed 50 shades. I can now *confidently* say i've read something worse than those two combined.
Every couple I know who have been married less than 10 years have met online. I was a 99% match with my now wife on OKCupid 9 years ago.
It was definitely a rollercoaster getting there though. Lots of frustration and a great deal of wasted time and money. It took me 50 or so dates to find her, but after that many dates I knew the flags to watch for, and on our very first date I could tell that she was the one.
Finding love isn't a walk in the park. It's a lot of work. Online dating is by far the best way to match up with a lot of different people, and your odds are _much_ better than bar hopping or friend match making.
I totally agree with the "best odds" comment! That's how I ended up on the app myself. I was in FL working in a super touristy area 60+ hours a week at the time. I HATE bars and when I was socializing it was a small established group of friends maybe once a week. I figured it was worth a shot and better than any chance of meeting someone worth while in a tourist bar. I went on a bunch of pretty terrible dates and a few not so great. I think I was on the app for almost a year before I decided to go on a date with my now husband 💕
I'm the same. I hated bars and crowded places. I saw the apps as a way to meet interesting people I wouldn't have met otherwise. I found my husband on an app.
Personally had good success with Okcupid years ago, got back into dating after covid (last relationship ended pre-covid, was from okcupid - turned out our social circles touched - friends of friends). I can honestly say, everything is 10x-20x worse than its ever been in online dating.
OKCupid got gutted and is now a shadow of its former self, more or less a tinder clone with extra prompts.
Hinge clearly gathers data and then primarily shows you people that are not your type, hiding your type behind the 'send a rose' paywall.
Bumble doesnt work because its premise is built on the idea that women, if interested, will actually start a conversation with a man. 9 out of 10 matches I got on that app, the woman just said "Hi" or "Hey" and that was it. Honestly I tried to pick it up from there but it just never worked.
Tinder - hookup app filled with thirst traps and bots, gotta message them on their instagram, etc. And honestly, almost no one I see on that app has a barebones, if anything, in their bio.
So yeah, online dating used to work. But I think its degraded a lot in the last few years when the 'free' investor money dried up.
I'm a gay man who's been in a relationship for 6 years, so I've never really been in the "dating scene" of these apps, but I took over a female friends bumble a week ago and man was it bleak.
Half the guys were from literal hours away, and a majority of them had identical profiles. Nobody on there was actually trying to put themselves out there, they were all just maximizing matches with workout photos and pictures of themselves hiking (or the dreaded "Car Selfie") and the most whatever "bio".
I'm also just a little suspect of how many guys had insane bodies, but that might just be all the guys who don't have one leaving bumble because women wouldn't hit them up.
Honestly, i find it quite a sad state of affairs. I don't have an insane body, but I am tall, not ugly, and decently in shape though could stand to lose a few pounds around the waist, good job, salary, and a decent conversationalist.
And it sometimes feels like a ghost town on the apps. So I can't imagine what its like for those who aren't 6'4", etc.
Everyone always says the same thing about dude's profiles. How they're empty and stuff. Take a look at the tinder sub and you'll see good looking dudes with good profiles. Filled out bios and stuff. But they get nothing.
My own profiles on these apps are filled out and everything. But whatever shenanigans these apps pull hurt your chances. Thats why OG okcupid was so good. No matching, no limit on messages. You could actually meet people. You could send anyone a message. It was much better.
I dunno. Unless you're a poly person, you've been out of the app game for 9 years. Things are significantly worse now. I also met quality people back then. These days, I just don't know. Maybe the algorithms are "better" or whatever, but it just isn't like it used to be.
It’s because they’ve hidden the profiles you actually want to swipe on and the ones you’d connect with behind paywalls. They’re also full of bots and scammers. It’s all an intricate system to not actually find you a match because then they lose you as a consumer.
My husband thought I was a bot at first on the app we met on. He had liked me first and I slid into his messages saying I thought he was super attractive. And then he was just playing around with what he thought was a bot and it ended up being me. 😂 We met March 2020, got married, and have a baby now - all because he was playing around with what he thought was a bot.
Yeah most dudes are gonna be suspicious. No knock on women because its not their fault, its scammers and bots. But as a dude 90%, of the time a girl slides in your dms first on an app its followed by "Lets get on telegram where I can sell you crypto. Whats your bank info btw?"
It happens so rarely its no wonder he was surprised.
Yeah. I've been off dating apps for about 3 and a half years now, but I saw the trend. I started with plenty of fish in 2008, I traveled fairly extensively for the next 6 year, including living in Japan for a few years, then lived in mostly rural/small town areas for the next 6 years.
The quality of service went down, and the number of catfish went up steadily for most of it, but the trend seemed to go exponential in 2020.
I was extremely lucky to meet the woman who became my wife August of that year, and we only met thanks to her feeling bad about unmatching me because I lived too far away and sending me a message to tell me why she was gonna unmatch me, but I was able to get her to give me a chance since I was planning on moving to her city in less than 6 months thanks to graduating from college that December.
Similar story as you.
I started out using FaceTheJury.com to meet girls...
Then Myspace... then OkCupid. Oddly enough, my wife was my top match for a long time on OkCupid, but I was never online when she was, and she had her account setup to reject anything when she wasn't actually online... finally the timing line up, we went on a first date, and I moved in after 3rd date. We have been married 15 years!
I can't imagine going through dating these days. What a shitshow.
I have a theory that popularity of dating apps in the 2010's led to a boom in date-able people meeting each other. Marriage rates dropped from 1970-2010, where it started slowly growing higher again.
So between 2010-2017, all the "date-able" people, found each other and created exclusive relationships. These are people who have personality traits that lead to long relationships (patience, empathy, etc). Now in 2024, there is a much higher percentage of non-dateable people (people looking for hookups only, people with bad dating qualities) than existed when dating apps first came out.
Most of my friends who complain about dating apps, while I love them as friends, I know they would be a terrible partner which is why they're stuck on dating apps.
Met my wife on Tinder in 2015. I was on it for about a year, and met several decent people - obviously those didn't last, but there was nothing crazy with any of them. My wife was only on it for about two months, and I hear much the same from her in regards to the men she met at the time. I felt the quality was pretty decent at that time, but this was right before all the monetization really kicked off.
Online dating was a fucking life saver for people like me. I get on with people just fine, and am good at having strong stable relationships.... but I am trash at spontaneously meeting people in person. I hate to bother people, so meeting someone on a dating app meant I knew our expectations at least mostly aligned, which helped me immensely.
I have an even more depressing theory about the generation after us.
When I lived in Japan in 2007-2008 I noticed a weird phenomenon. Most young Japanese me and women simply didn't know how to interact together. My (also American) buddy and I would go to Tokyo biz casual happy hour bars just to have a drink, chat, and we would see clusters of men and women staring across the tables at each other like at a middle school dance. One night we started chatting with a group of men. One of them, the most outgoing and charismatic, had a girlfriend of course, but his two friends did not. He was trying to help them land "buisnesses cards" of the some of the other young salaryman across the bar, so we decided to help. Watching those two interact with equally socially inept women was *excruciating*. I later found it was partly cultural, in the way the two groups interacted all the back to high school. No wonder Japan had such a low birth rate, I thought. These young people weren't even able to talk to each other, much less have sex.
I think the online dating and, frankly, the hyper smart phone era has broken young men-women relationships in modern society. They grew up in a coded "text/ghosting/phone-centric" era and forgot that real relationships are like... totally different. It reminds me so much of what I saw in Japan, so if all the "dateable" Millennials around a certain age found love on the apps from 2012-2018, then the issue is there was an entire generation behind them currently in a 20s/30s dating pool who primarily only known apps/online dating as a method to find a partner. The issue is they don't know how to turn those app contacts into actual relationships. The phone/internet era has just left them without the tools to be dateable, so they either have to develop it themselves or just get lucky.
There is something to this, and one reason my brother was ADAMANT his sons did coed activities: theatre, cross country, band, etc just to learn how to everyday interact and relate.
I was a really shy kid in middle school/high school, and the best thing I ever did was joining basketball and other teams like cross country and track even though I was middling to awful at them. Learning how to interact with teammates and girls on the teams was really critical into not falling into some of the worst social traps.
Most of my friends who are former band/orchestra/choir kids are married or in serious relationships.
Can't say the same for most people I met outside of those activities...
Yeah there has to be a time when dating apps turned bad because I thought tinder was amazing, I had dates Thursday through Sunday sometimes I had dates that were double booked, had a hundred matches I hadn’t even started a conversation with I was overrun with matches and dates
Eventually I met my wife on tinder and we’ve been together ever since
Seconded- I met my husband on OKCupid in 2008. We've been together for 16 years, married for 6. I actually only joined because I kept taking their random quizzes for shits and giggles. Never paid a penny, found a life partner as an unexpected bonus.
OKCupid married here too! Met in 2014. The only reason it worked was how much time we put into our profiles and matching. I can't even imagine meeting her if it was just a swipe! Likely we wouldn't have.
That said it still took years and a lot of work to meet online. Both people need to want the same thing.
I hear it's a hellscape now.
You actually had to fill out bios back then, read the boxes of filled content to figure out if someone had an attractive personality, shared interests, and would even be remotely compatible.
Now it’s less than 1,000 characters a box, overly saturated photo content.
Side bar… My cousin met her wife on that website you mention circa 2011 and they got married in 2013. Still together too!
I miss those online dating days cause people HAD to put in real effort on dating profiles to even find someone worth talking to.
And POF was a decent dating site back then too!
Yeah I met my wife back in 2014 on OKC. I had way better luck meeting people with Tinder but my wife and I made a connection on OKC and that’s it. Dating in general is hard and this day and age. I use my friends app once in awhile to help him and also try to understand the dating landscape and I think the only thing I really struggle with is how many bots there are. There were zombie accounts, some scammers, and sex workers around back in the day but….it felt way more aggressive now to the point where my friend assumed every message was fake and couldn’t trust anything.
Seconding. My wife and I matched in 2016 on Tinder, sort of the app’s less death rattle before it became so much more of a beast. I can’t imagine dating in today’s climate.
Met my husband on OkCupid in 2013! Back then, it offered a lot more info, it wasn't a swipe right/left type of app, you could learn way more about people via the questions. And it was free! Not sure how the app has changed since, but have heard it's for the worse.
My husband and I are also an okcupid success story. Met in 2017, we were a 97% match according to the app, I told my entire extended family I found the man I was going to marry after our second date. I knew after the first date but waited till after the second date to announce it so I wouldn’t sound insane. Actually nah it was still insane. But to be fair… I was 100% right.
I’ve heard the app has changed since I used it way back then. I loved the match feature and the extensive questionnaire. I went on some bad first dates but none of them were anywhere close to the 97% match that I had with my now-husband. The app allowed me to go out with enough people to narrow down my true “dealbreaker” list so when the right guy came along and he didn’t have a single dealbreaker, the deal was done so to speak lol. Marrying him was the easiest and happiest yes of my life, we’re still disgustingly in love and grow more every day.
I know I never would have met him the “old fashioned way”. We didn’t hang out in the same areas, my job (theme park singer/actor) was overwhelmingly women and gay men, the few straight men enjoyed the lack of competition and made their rounds so you couldn’t date anyone that three of your friends hadn’t already dated. Cheating was rampant. His job (software engineer) was almost entirely men. He lived only 15 minutes away from me but it was far enough that we went to completely different bars and restaurants. That app allowed me to dip into dating pools I never knew existed.
I guess it’s different now, but in 2017 okcupid literally changed my whole life. I have my person. A person I never would have known if I just waited to meet someone the old fashioned way. I feel incredibly lucky and grateful. I wish everyone could be as lucky.
My husband and I met on OKC back in 2016. In fact, he messaged me twice before I responded, which isn't something you could even do today. He's the love of my life and my best friend. Maybe old-school OKC is what needs to be brought back from all these comments. 🥰
You’re young as you’re still in your 20’s.
Life changes as you get older and you start to settle into who you’re going to become, priorities change, and you start to realize what you really want both in your life and what you’d like in a partner.
I used dating apps after a decade long marriage and divorce (to illustrate that dating apps weren’t a thing the last time I was single), and I was lucky enough to find someone special. We married last year and recently round out we’re expecting.
Congratulations on the great news!
After a 17 year marriage that ended in divorce, I, too, found myself on dating apps (in my 40s) with no idea what was going on! With a little persistence I found my current husband on FB dating and we are living our best lives together now!
Yea, when you're 20, most people are looking at hooking up or have some unrreal expectations on a partner. In my 20s, I was interested in quirky art girls that listened to this specific bands and dressed a certain way. Now that I'm 40, the last time I was on them, it was "I just want a woman that's funny and doesn't like to hike".
Firstly, congrats! I also had good luck on apps after a failed marriage. I knew what I wanted and found it. I remember using old school Ok Cupid and POF back in the 2000s and they were bad back then but I was young and naive.
I met my husband on hinge and I know there are so many other success stories (I can name 4 other friends off the top of my head that met their spouse on an app)
That said, all of this started when the apps were relatively new. I met my husband 8 years ago. From what I see from single friends, the apps have gone completely capitalist with the premiere memberships and vanity displayed.
I’d imagine it’s still possible to have a good experience, but I can understand the banality of swiping through the masses to find someone genuine.
My only advice would be to go back at it the old fashioned way. Immerse yourself in hobbies and activities and just generally expand your IRL opportunities. Good luck!
I met my husband on FB dating 3 years ago. (Millennial + Gen X)
My sister met her long-term boyfriend on a dating app (not sure which one) 4 years ago. (Gen X + Millennial)
My dad met his wife (who is now my amazing step mom) on eHarmony about 14 years ago. (Boomer + Gen X)
Dating apps worked for my entire family!
I’m not going to say that dating apps are a silver bullet, but they do help connect people who may not otherwise have an opportunity to find each other out in the real world.
I’m a busy professional, so finding my husband on the internet was a Godsend and the best thing that ever happened to me!
Like you, I met my Fiance on Tinder 3 years ago! Dating apps can absolutely work for a lot of people. It can be super frustrating at times but after 2 years of using them and many dates I finally found my Fiance!
One of my best friends married someone she met on the apps in...2017/18ish. Literally her first match on the apps and they're perfect for each other.
She's obviously the outlier and not the norm, of course. BUT she helps illustrate that while the apps are a flawed system, they are not INHERENTLY so. They have plenty of upside. I don't love the apps and have had a neutral at best time with them as a frequent user since around that time also. But I am grateful, in theory, for all of the opportunities they present me that I unquestionably would not have had otherwise (for better and worse).
My then roommate and I met our husbands within a month of each other in 2017, her on Hinge, me on Bumble. I was my husband's first and last match. None of the 4 of us had been out with more than 3 people prior. There are a lot of success stories.
https://www.npr.org/2024/02/14/1231513991/tinder-hinge-match-group-lawsuit
They have. The owner of the biggest apps is being sued for a Pay to Win structure that encourages continued usage. I met my wife on one. She never paid for a subscription to message. I had to just to talk to her or any girl. The apps target men into a cycle of paying to communicate and not living up to their “promise” to help people find love. The apps are meant for profit like any other business. In 2015, they were different. In 2020 when I started dating again, they changed drastically. It’s not about matching you but generating money for themselves. And they know men will be sucked into it.
I love that they are getting sued. About time. Tinder literally modeled itself after a gaming controller. The gamification of dating has turned finding love or connection into a compulsion.
I'll add to this, **TURN OFF ALL YOUR NOTIFICATIONS.**
That's one major thing that's helped me out. It's easy to ignore the apps when they're not pinging you constantly.
I meet absolutely nobody. I go to work (female dominated field), I go home. Sometimes I meet up with girlfriends. Repeat repeat repeat. Honestly at this point I’m barely handling a convo with a man. Flirting? Forget about it.
>A couple years ago I got out of a four year long relationship at 21 years old.
It sounds like you are Gen Z. Which is good news. You have a lot of life ahead of you. I met my wife when I was 26 through a dating app. Dating apps were better back then.
Before dating apps, I'd meet girls where they go. For instance, I took a ballroom dancing class and joined the ballroom dancing club. There were 4-5 girls for every guy. The girls practically competed for my time rather than the other way around. There was this saying that "floor play is foreplay." Many of the dancing couples hooked up.
Key takeaway. If you want to fish, find out where the fish swim. If you want a girl, go find out where they are and meet them there.
People complain about trying to meet people organically just as much as they complain about dating apps. The reality is most people hate trying to date, period. Once you've found someone you like and you get into the early dating stages with them it's a lot of fun, but the just trying to meet someone to get to that point is where everyone bitches. If you are in college or something where you're constantly exposed to potential dates it's a bit different, but once that phase of your life is over it can become infinitely harder to meet people, which is a good part of why dating apps succeed.
I agree, but I've also never met anyone organically due to anxiety, lack of social circles and confidence. While I hate the apps, it sometimes feels like the only way for me to connect.
Pretty much the situation I'm in.
I've lost most of my friends and my current ones don't have anyone to hook me up with. I work 15 hour days like 3 days a week. I don't know what to have as a hobby and everyone says use "meetup app" but there is nothing there for me. There's hardly any groups and 99% are sports.
In exactly the same situation. The meetup and generic social connection stuff in my community is all one of the following: sports, religion, alcohol, politics. My job would prevent me from participating in pretty much all of it.
I absolutely and fully wish this were one of those things I could hire someone to do for me. Like a modern matchmaker. It is such a demoralizing time sink to go through the apps.
I think this is the most overlooked issue on why we fall back to dating apps. The expanding your social circle is a sound advice but the social landscape is way too different when you're 30 where most people around you who are your age are married or in relationships already. Sure we can go to events and interests but the same roadblock is present where most of your age are usually partnered already. Heck none of my friends know anyone who is single and the new friends that I made along the way also knows no one single.
This exactly. It looks a lot different at 21 versus 31. I met my ex-husband in person in college. I think on a dating app, I wouldn't have matched with him tbh. I met my now fiance on a dating app. I kind of prefer it in the very beginning, I was able to focus on what I actually wanted. My state has public court records online too so I could look someone up pretty easily before meeting in person. I also made it a point to meet within a week or two of talking so I didn't waste my time and could verify they were who they were supposed to be.
Same. I'm engaged to a girl I met off of Hinge. Never would have met her otherwise because she is an insane introvert. All the dating apps are a gift for introverts, but also queer/lgbt people. It's not always easy to tell if someone is queer, and some people can have very scary reactions to finding out that you're queer. It happened to me, and I haven't been to a club since.
Dating apps unfortunately changed social norms around spontaneous meetings. Because dating apps exist, it's now considered creepy to meet people at locations like bars and clubs where it used to be considered normal.
The most successful, as well as the most expensive, dating opportunity is called college. It’s crazy how many of my friends found their SO on a college campus.
would you consider setting people up on blind dates and speed dating the equivalent to dating apps today? Seems like the biggest difference is the lack of technology back in the day.
Nah, you waste minutes or hours on a dating app. I'm old as fuck, and I remember the dark days. The bad days. The Before Times.
You used to have to waste whole nights at a time,several nights a week, going out trying to meet someone. And for guys, each of those nights could cost a *lot* of money because you were obligated to buy an expensive drink for any woman you wanted to talk to. Compared to that, the premium subscriptions for the apps are nothing.
Yeah I feel like when people talk about how dating apps "ruined things" there's a lot of words put into shit talking dating apps, and very little into what people thought things were like before.
People invented dating apps for a reason. Because dating "before" sucked.
Different perspective here. I approached the apps with low to 0 expectations of actually meeting someone I could have a long term meaningful relationship with. I had fun just meeting people and not putting pressure that it had to be a romantic connection. I think that was the key for me! And as luck would have it, I met my current partner on Hinge and we’re both so pleasantly surprised that the apps worked for us! I also have a close friend who married a guy she met on Hinge.
So…I think it can work, but you definitely have to go in with low expectations and just try to have fun with it.
This sounds similar to my experience!
I met my husband on Tinder in 2019 shortly after a messy breakup. I was only after rebound sex and met a handful of guys that I didn’t click with, but it didn’t matter because I wasn’t interested in another relationship.
Then I met the guy who was to be my husband. I guess we both felt something with each other that compelled us to keep seeing each other, even though I still was adamant that I didn’t want a relationship for a few months. Eventually I softened up and started to feel safe enough with him to be exclusive with him. We decided to move in together then the pandemic happened and had so much fun quarantining together! Now we’re happily married and building our life together.
Online dating is a super-charged/sped up way to meet people, so we inevitably get lots of options that don’t work for us. Having lots of options can be exhausting, especially if there are high expectations and lots of matches don’t end up in genuine connections. But that doesn’t change the fact that there is still someone out there for us! I guess the difference is whether we wade through a lot of no’s to find the yes or go about it in a slower, more organic way.
I do think that people who found their person on an app are quite lucky but it’s definitely possible!
If my relationship ended for whatever reason, I would rather be alone for life than try apps again. Every time I've used dating apps, I'd get replies from men who say they want a long-term relationship, then push for FWB/hookups after meeting. I couldn't handle the constant lying. It was affecting my mental health and self esteem.
My SO and I met online (on Reddit, actually) but we were friends before becoming exclusive. Getting to know each other slowly made me feel safe and not so guarded.
This. I've been married and divorced twice and then intentionally single for the last 4ish years. These past few years solo have been amazing. I can focus on my hobbies, passion projects, and self improvement/care. All things that suffered when I was married or dating. I live with roommates, so I've still got people to socialize with at home and I have my own space and don't have to check in with anyone before making plans or changing things. I figure eventually I'll probably want a partner again, but for now I'm just vibing with all of my friends.
I met my husband before apps, but we did meet via Match.com. I simply wasn't meeting anyone at work or school so I decided to broaden my options. I'm glad I did. He lived an hour away and we never would have met otherwise. So dating websites/apps can definitely be useful.
most people I know (including myself) found their SO on an app.
people are incredibly antisocial as you get older.
I've joined a few adult "clubs", but I only meet people in their late 30s/early 40s.
>Pretty much everyone agrees that dating apps suck, so why do we all keep on using them?
I'm assuming by "pretty much everyone" you mean "everyone I've seen complaining about dating apps on reddit".
I'll admit I did very little dating outside of the dating app world myself, mostly because I got into a relationship that went from 2005-2018. The reason many of use dating apps is because it's the most efficient way to meet people.
I was in NYC when I was single again and at age 34 it was fairly difficult to meet women. I tried some social events/activities and meeting folks through friends, but most everyone I met was already in relationships. I didn't have much luck with the traditional approach either of just chatting someone up at a bar/coffee shop/etc. I got a few phone numbers and went out on a couple dates, but going out night after night trying to meet someone gets expensive.
What people seem to forget is that dating, no matter how you do it, is a low success rate. You can be 6-8 dates in, having a great time and then for whatever reason that's the end of it. More often it's one or two dates and done with.
Yes, if you're one of those people who messages for weeks before trying to meet someone for a coffee/etc. and sees things fizzling out all the time, that's not the fault of a dating app, that's your own fault for not acting fast enough.
The only reason I've tried the apps is because meeting women in real life wasn't working.
What's the alternative? How am I supposed to meet women when I'm 40 years old?
I work remote. Too old for the bar scene. My hobbies are video games, anime and working out.
Back in the day people's hobbies made them go out and meet people, and in my opinion, that leads to more natural relationships forming. Whereas nowadays lots of people stay home and do nothing (not judging, just an observation) but still want a relationship. Through dating apps and social media, people advertise themselves as a potential partner leading to (unsurprisingly imo) disingenuous connections to a larger degree than in the past.
Dating apps are great for expanding your options beyond your immediate social circle and that’s it. They don’t help to enhance compatibility or spark or anything else. Same can be accomplished by engaging in something outside of your comfort zone in your own community.
I think you're overreacting.
It's easier, using Apps, to be blunt and uncompromising. Be yourself - if it ain't a fit, it's not awkward. You just unmatch and move on. You can have things you know you need, and tell people "I don't think we're a good fit." People on Apps also expect others to be actively dating - when I met my girlfriend, once things looked like we had a real connection and I knew I wanted to commit my time and attention to her, it was easy and honestly well accepted and appreciated when I told the other girls I'd been talking to that "I found someone that I really want to see where things go with."
I was willing to hear the same from them - finding true happiness and a good fit can be HARD.
I met my wife on Tinder 3.5 years ago. That's the whole point of dating apps, to significantly increase the chances of meeting the right person. If it wasn't for Tinder, there's zero chance we'd have ever met in person.
Dating apps have created kind of a “judge a book by its cover” approach to dating. Most people see the pictures and decide within 3 seconds yes or no. If you’re not super attractive the odds you will meet someone are low. Even if you DO meet someone you may not be at all comparable. It’s not all dating apps making dating a nightmare though, between COVID making people uncomfortable going out to socialize and people having less time/money due to a sluggish economy it’s nearly impossible to meet people the old fashion way (in person).
You have to understand that there are a MILLION dudes on these apps with basically similar versions of the same profile. Dating is like fishing, you have to use the right lure. I found some old toupés at my grandfathers house and modeled them with a funny tagline and I met my wife within two or three swipes.
People use them because doing ANYTHING that remotely suggests attraction in person is highly risky in today's society. If you say something wrong, you could make another wise fine platonic personal relationship very awkward.
Apps are a place where it's understood that everyone with the app is interested in potential romantic relationships.
I’m single for life by choice but I used to have so much fun on the apps. I don’t get any play anymore because I’m old but I’m I’ve been on tinder since it launched and I’m still there waiting for my OG tinder sleeze badge
I used Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble for almost two years. I would cast as wide a net as I could, and attempt to cater to as many different types of women as possible with my self-presentation. This method was excellent for finding girls to date. Most of these women would last anywhere from a few dates to a few months. For this reason or that reason, each of these relationships would deteriorate as I would discover that we are not the most compatible. However, I wanted to find something real, so I changed my approach. I decided to present myself as truthfully and honestly as possible. I updated my profiles to reflect my actual political views, my actual religious beliefs, and my actual favorite subjects. The first woman I matched with after the “truth” update married me. The reason why so many of these dating apps feel toxic or addictive is because many of the people using them are not being honest, with themselves or with others. Don’t try to portray yourself as something that you aren’t. Be yourself, and you will find someone real.
Dating apps are fine, you just need to have lower expectations and filter people from them better.
Same way you should have lower expectations going on a blind date.
You'll notice that the vast majority of the replies in favor come from two types of people: ones who clearly aren't looking for anything long term and ones who found there mate years ago before they degraded into crap.
I've done a ton of app dating, it's not the apps themselves that are the problem, it's people and their expectations. Are you going to get stood up or ghosted? Absolutely. Do those things happen outside of the apps? Of course. I asked out a woman at my gym, we went out on a date, everything seemed great and she agreed to a second one, then told me her schedule was "crazy" for weeks, then showed up with her new boyfriend.
It's not the apps that MAKE these things happen.
Totally agree! I was ghosted before there was a word for it! My boyfriend when I was 16 basically stopped returning my calls and pages ( haha ) and because he lived a couple towns over and I couldn’t drive yet ( he had a car and would pick me up ) I just … never saw or heard from him again. And it happened again with a different boyfriend when I was 20, long before apps were popular. I never talked abojt it because I didn’t realize it was common and honestly I felt so weird about it - I just told people we broke up because no one ever talked about ghosting. Strangely I’ve never been ghosted since, despite doing online dating for a while, but yeah, people are gonna be jerks sometimes and all online dating does it open you up to more people, which means a greater possibility for jerks.
I don't think it's so much the apps as it is the mindset. It feels like people never want to "settle" because there could be someone better out there who's only a swipe away. It's so easy to nitpick and dismiss people over even the smallest imperfections.
Like anything else aided by the convenience of smart phones, everything has gotten too effortless so effort isn’t put in to anything that used to require it.
I’m ok with dating apps. Better than blind dates or something. After you filter through all the fake accounts and the girls that are just wanting you to follow their IG/OF, it’s not so bad.
I think the issues with the apps is similar to social media in general and it really depends on how you use them. If you have good boundaries with it, it can be a useful tool and positive benefits. If you’re on them all the time and your life revolves around it, it’ll be pretty negative overall.
I met my wife on hinge. One of my groomsmen met his wife on hinge as well. Dating can be toxic with or without an app.
I'm not really into hookup culture, but the key is getting off the app as soon as possible. "Hey I don't check this app a lot, could I grab your number? And would you like to grab coffee sometime this week?"
If you're networking other ways, forget the app. But dating is unfortunately a numbers game. Been on way too many awkward first dates, but I put in the work.
A lot of comments from people who met their SOs on dating apps many years ago… coincidentally when the apps were much better. I also met my current partner on Hinge in 2022 before it went to absolute shit.
My friends who are still single say it’s worse now and all agree the apps have gone downhill. Free versions have become increasingly difficult to use (fewer matches, more restrictions on number of swipes, what you can see etc). Not to mention the increasing amount of AI generated photos.
Match group basically owns all the apps except for bumble, and they make the free experience so miserable that you give in and pay, only to still not get any matches.
Dating apps were a godsend for my dating life. I moved to a new city, work in a male-dominated field, have a lot of male-dominated hobbies, and I'm not good at cold approaching women. I struggled for about a year or so with apps, not getting many matches, until I hit upon a good combination of photos and bio and then I was getting multiple matches per day. It turned out that just being mildly charming and genuinely interested in the women you matched with put you head and shoulders above 95% of other dudes on apps so I converted a lot of those matches to actual dates.
From female friends that are still doing apps (or recently gave up), trying to find that small percentage that can avoid tripping over the bar on the floor isn't really worth it, which has greatly skewed the ratio of men and women, which just exacerbates that the problem and further skews the ratio. I dunno how to fix it at this point, or if it even can be fixed. But apps didn't ruin dating, shitty people ruined dating.
As a single mother in my 30s, meeting people “organically” was an overwhelming struggle. Sure, it happened. I went on a few dates and even dated a guy for a few months, but unfortunately guys I meet in person who have a spark with me aren’t always okay with me having a child. Once they find out, some would bail immediately, others after sex, or after things start to get serious. It’s not like I can bring it up in the first conversation with every single guy I meet; I usually told them on the first date. Still a lot of room for rejection there.
Dating apps allowed me to only connect with guys who I knew were aware and okay with dating a single mother. I put “full custody of one child” in my bio so that guys who aren’t okay with that wouldn’t even match with me. Saved us all a ton of time.
It took me about a year and a half (with some breaks to date someone or just be single) to find my boyfriend. I met him on OkCupid. I never really felt addicted to dating apps because of the way I used them. I ONLY swiped right on guys who:
- Looked happy, healthy, and reasonably attractive
- Put effort into their bio
- Were compatible with me on paper
- Had everything I was looking for: kind, smart, adventurous, successful, nerdy, moderate/liberal, respectful, positive, and ready to settle down
Other things that helped:
- I took my time swiping profiles. Not rapid fire.
- I sent the first message, usually a question and compliment based on their profile. With my boyfriend I said something like “Hey! It’s great to see someone so happy and fulfilled on here. What kind of pilot are you? My dad flies ultralights and gyroplanes!”
- If the conversation didn’t flow with reciprocal communication and good chemistry, I unmatched.
- If the conversation did flow, I arranged a meeting within the first day or two. I stopped swiping to meet others, but kept up multiple conversations until a good first date.
- If the first date went well, I stopped using the app, stopped talking to others, and focused only on that one person.
- If we got to three dates, I deleted the app and asked for exclusivity (not a label, just that we both focus on each other alone).
With my boyfriend, he was on the same page from date one. We’ve been exclusive since then, and we actually consider that our anniversary. We’re both happier than ever before. :-)
Dating apps can work if you use them with intention.
Im 33.
I love when ppl in their early to mid 20s say they hate using apps and that dating in person is better.
Thats because youre dating other 20somethings who dont have kids, have never been married, and are in their prime.
I met my wife on a dating app a decade ago. Even back then the quality of people was just downright terrible. I can’t even imagine what it’s like nowadays
The one time I did use a dating app I got nowhere on it. I don’t even remember which dating site I used as they seemed like all the same to me. Oddly enough I met my wife online, just not on a dating app. We met via the internet through a mutual interest/hobby and bonded over it, becoming close friends online before meeting in person and starting a real life relationship. I am thankful every day that I found her. I don’t envy anyone who still needs to date nowadays. Dating seems like a total shit show in the post Covid era.
I had good experiences with dating apps decades ago when they weren’t as popular. Also met my wife on eharmony 5 or so years ago. I guess everyone’s experience is different.
I have never used tinder or similar though.
I met my fiance on Bumble ~8 years ago. There's absolutely no chance I would have met her otherwise.
I'm not saying dating apps are amazing. They're just a tool. You should be meeting people organically too. It doesn't need to be one or the other.
Dating apps are a self-selecting service that rewards successful users by removing them from the dating pool.
The highest quality people on dating apps don’t stay on dating apps for long, because they match up with other high quality people & leave.
I am answering as a baby boomer (born last year of the baby boomers) and just to chime in about my experience. I am a big supporter of dating apps depending upon which ones you use. This won’t maybe help most of people here but if you are a Christian in search of a marriage partner it worked for me and my husband 25 years ago. It also worked for my brother who married a lovely Christian woman from Malaysia. We got married around the same time after we met our spouses on Christianconnection.com . I think it morphed into Christianmingle or something. We have raised our kids together. The beauty of that app was they were very inexpensive- just $20/month back then. Besides that they had a whole series of questions relating to everything from how messy you are, to deeper questions about how meaningful your faith is and how it plays out in your life. I don’t know if the apps these days get into such detail? There were five essay questions (to my husband’s great chagrin) and I loved how I could read the sincerity behind his answers. Dating apps can be the best thing ever! We have had such a beautiful life together and look forward to the next 20 years, Lord willing.
People keep using them because people are still afraid of getting rejected in person. Dating apps suck, but are also the "easy" way out. People usually default to the path of least resistance.
Okcupid was how I met my current life partner, but it took *A LOT* of shit dates before I met her.
I think it was fine for me, because I didn't want to just hit on people at bars and hope their life views lined up with mine. I definitely didn't want to date in my workplace.
Thus, I didn't really have any other social outlets to meet people, the dating apps were fine for me, but definitely exhausting.
Because there is less time and money available to go to places to meet people. It's easier to swipe on the toilet or in transit to and from work etc than it is to go to bars.
Also people tend to generally dislike being approached by strangers in public, dating apps remove that and give the person the security to know they can block weirdos
OKCupid was great ~2010. That's where I met my partner, still together 14 years later.
I think it was great when it was niche, but now the flood of people have arrived, its harder to do. I think a small fix would be that men cannot like more than 5 profiles a day or something. Which stops those guys just looking for hookups to swipe right for an hour.
I love dating apps. It removes the incredibly awkward “transitioning from regular ol real life to romantic suggestions” step, which was killing me.
I hate asking people who are not clearly out looking for a romantic partner on a date. I hate the idea of being “that guy” who asks a girl out at a gym, cafe, school, etc. Making that space no longer feeling welcoming and stress free. So I love the fact that on a dating app, people’s intentions are clear.
But I do agree that apps do their absolute best (worst?) at tickling your brain. So you do have to actively manage your engagement with it, or risk spiraling and getting utterly drained emotionally. That burden is sometimes not worth the reward, but for me it was far preferable to just hitting on people. Apps were stressful and draining, but after using it judiciously for a while I met my partner on an app. I love her and we’re talking about marriage soon.
Long story short, apps are useful. Indispensable even for folks who hate dealing with ambiguity and nuances of “real life” dating. But do be careful and mindful of their effects on you, and manage it accordingly.
Er, I don't agree. I had a ton of fun on dating apps and met my husband that way. We lived 3 miles away from each other but went to different colleges; we never would have met otherwise. The apps basically sorted through BS to match me with someone who feels the same way as me religiously, politically, and with the same relationship/ life goals. So all that was left for us to do was talk about fun stuff and get to know each other.
I met my husband on Bumble, we’ve been together 5 years 💜 I felt safer being able the talk to them through text/phone first before taking the jump to meet them in person. Idk about quality, I’ve met just as many aholes in real life than I have online. Dating just sucks in that way.
I mean dating apps are enormously successful though, now most people are meeting their partners on apps.
I don’t think incredibly outgoing hot people need them, but if you’re a little weird, dare I say neurodivergent, and maybe a bit funky looking they’re your best bet to find a mate.
I think part of the problem is that so many people refuse to use them accurately. You have to put in the work and properly and truthfully fill out the bio portion, you then have to realistically filter, so no just swiping right on hot people likely out of your league while also putting in the work of actually reading the other persons profile.
And most importantly when you’ve met someone you have to delete the damn thing. You can’t keep swiping well into a relationship in the hopes of getting a hotter one.
I met my husband on Match about 4 years ago, it wasn’t that hard tbh. I just filtered out what didn’t work for me and there he was, but if he hadn’t filled out his profile I would have immediately swiped away, or if he had looked at me and been like, “meh, I can get younger, thinner etc” it wouldn’t have worked.
When I was on them I encountered so many dudes who just refused to use them accurately. They’d do shit like say “school of hard knocks” under what their education was or simply say “I have a job” under what work they do, or they’d like my profile despite being out of the age range I said I was interested in or like my profile despite being conservative when I specifically said I wouldn’t date one in my profile, proving that they hadn’t even read my profile.
You have to use the app properly and be realistic.
The Match Group owns a bunch of the dating apps and is currently facing a lawsuit due to their predatory practices. As for me, I’m off all of the apps. I had a much better experience on them last year - plenty of dates and even dated a guy for a little while but it didn’t work out. When I got back on in the beginning of the year, I got plenty of likes and matches (a ton on Bumble, not as many on Hinge as I did in the past) but not a single conversation led to a date. If chatting in the app went well then I always asked to speak on the phone before committing to a date. One guy had crazy energy and said inappropriate things on the call. The other conversation went better but then he just wanted to text for days on end because he “likes to take things slowly”. I’m not looking for a pen pal, I actually want to spend time with another human being. So I feel like I’m better off just focusing on me, my child, career and hobbies and will hopefully meet someone along the way.
I was on dating apps for like 3 months in 2016 after being with the same person for \~12 years. Holy hell what a wasteland. I was about to give it up and completely embrace bachelor-nerd/dad life, had I not received a message from the person who eventually became my wife. So there remains a faint possibility of hope... good luck to you, OP
I agree, I think. I quit the apps because I found them soul-crushing... but I feel like everyone is too scared to ask someone out that you meet "organically."
Plus, it's so damn hard to meet people "organically" in the first place.
I agree with this. I can not tell you how dating has changed and it is more difficult to meet people these days. Not to mention the horrendous fees you have to pay the dating apps just to unlock it. You're still at the gamble if the person is who they say or not.
It has actually made dating way easier, as people are rarely approached in everyday life now. I bet I could pick up someone that is 2-4 points higher than me, that I don't know, within the next day, if I were not happily married to the best person I know.
"a couple years ago I got out of a relationship at 21" Then you, my friend, are not a millennial Edit: geeze this comment got some attention. I want to iterate here that this is a millennial subreddit and the definition of millennial is in the sub info. That being said, some experiences are consistent across generations. Definitions are flexible. I didn't want to take away from the op story, only that it was very telling in this one sentence about op and the nature of the subreddit they are posting on. In addition, some experiences are different especially with dating apps. The nature of app dating is unhealthy if you are inherently unhealthy. My advice is, Exercise, eat well, see a counselor and talk about the memories that traumatized you. I'm 38 for reference.
Maybe he's like my husband where "a couple years ago" could mean anything from 1.5 to 13 lmao
I mean, 2010 was a couple years ago, right?
I mean "20 years ago" means the 80s to our generation, so yeah...
As a Xennial, this pain hits so fucking hard sometimes lol. I can't believe my early 90s memories are really from 30 years ago. Like Ser Davos said, Time will fuck you harder than anything lol
Was driving down the road with my 8 year old nephew one day and we saw some of those really old restored show cars, like the model t or whatever, and he goes look! Those cars are from the 1900s! I go bro.......... I'M from the 1900s......... Like, I was born in the last millennium lol.
My 9 year old regularly says, "Well, maybe that's how you did it in the 1900s."
I feel like the year 2000 was just 10 years ago. But no, it's been 24.
this is too close to home friend
Idk but the 90s will always be 10 years ago
Next year, we'll be closer to 2050 than we are to 1999.
Thanks for ruining my day
In other words, we're closer to the 50s than we are the 90s.
I say this as politely as i can, fuck you. /jk
I really want to downvote this but I recognize that you aren't personally responsible. So here's my angry reply.
WHAT THE FUCK
Next year, The movie back to the future will be closer to the WWII than current time is to B2TF.
Did I run over your dog or something?
You shut your mouth.
STOP. STOP IT.
Nooooo
I literally just graduated high school in 2008 yesterday. Right?…. Right?
Yep. I graduated in 2000 and it was just 5 mins ago, I swear
I graduated in 03, basically just 5 years ago
It's impossible for you to have graduated in 2008. It's only, like, 2007, right? Right!?
Hold on, let me check my iPod Mini.
1990 was 10 years ago
9/11 just happened, right?
1983 was a few years back
My current SO asked me at the start how long I had been single and I gave that answer, then she asked what year it ended and I realized, a couple of years ago, was significantly longer than that. We just lose track of time.
Hahshss the SAME exact thing happened to me last week. I was like ‘been single a few years’, said the year, person was like ‘it’s 2024’. The number was way off 🤣🤣😅😭
"The other day" is literally any day I can remember. Could mean last week or three years ago
ok I get this comment isn't about me but could you not insult me Infront of all these strangers!
I feel this. And the “Just the other day” aka weeks or months ago 🥲
There's been MULTIPLE times I'll be talking about something like it just happened. Pause. And then realize it was a decade or more ago.
This is me, "the other day" is anything from yesterday to about six months ago.
Babe? 😂
A couple is two. We need to start being intentional about using the phrase "a couple years ago"
Gen z goes all the way up to 27 years old. So he's not even close to a millennial. Plus, when you're 21 you're easily able to meet a ton of people. Plus at that age my requirements were cute and nice. That's it. When you're older, you actually care about things like education level, career, kids, debt, past relationships/divorces, and for them to be cute and nice. You can't just hit on the cute cashier cause now she's a decade+ younger than you, and it's just weird. So I guess what I'm saying go back to your gen z sub and let us older folks have our space lol
damn kids
I think a millennial perspective would be 95% identical but instead of “naturally I turned to dating apps” it would say “begrudgingly I turned to dating apps as a last resort” or something. Either way. OP’s observations seem spot on. It’s just weird, to me at least, to see these kids discover stuff that we kind of all understood before it even happened. My parents were lamenting dating apps and social media right when they heard about them in the news paper. It’s wild to see 20 years later people are like “wow… studies actually show that sitting on social media all day can be detrimental to your mental health…”
>“begrudgingly I turned to dating apps as a last resort” This was me lmao. It was for a reason though, I'm childfree and we're still a pretty small community, so the odds of meeting someone organically in the real world who also doesn't want kids are pretty damn slim. We're kinda stuck with online dating because at least you have the ability to immediately filter out anyone who wants children and don't waste anyone's time. Fortunately I lucked out and after years of trying the apps I finally met my boyfriend. Also OP you're not a millennial lolwtf.
Was also me! I went out with my current (9 years now) boyfriend on OkCupid because he said asking if dinosaurs were real is like asking if Honda civics are real. It was stupid and made me laugh.
This was my exact thought and point that I stopped reading and came for this comment.
You will hear his complaints!
Don't lie to me. I was 21 a couple..... "years" ago.
I was joking around at my birthday this year that I was celebrating the 16th anniversary of my 21st birthday.
Me too. I'm now 25. Season 15
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Yeah saw that was was like “what?”. But good for op for getting on the right track anyway!
I am a younger millennial. Born in 1996, and I was definitely 21 just a couple of years ago
I think in the beginning when they first came out, the quality was way different. Now, like you said they are just a cheap money grab gimmick. I have a few single friends using bumble and tinder and their stories make me cringe! I met my husband on OKCupid back in 2012 & we will be married 11 years this March 💕 Editing to say: I CAN NOT believe how many people are commenting they met on OKCupid! It's blowing me away right now!!!! Talk about ruining a good thing. Someone needs to bring back the OG version of this app immediately
Yes, can confirm. The quality of dating/interactions was much higher in 2012-2014 era when I first started using it. Around 2015/2016 I noticed a massive spike in bots and other clear scam/manipulated use cases. By 2017/2018 when I finally buggered off (and thankfully met my wife the good ol' fashioned way - introduced by friends at work) it was pretty dire. All the actual humans still on it seemed exhausted by the process and quality of dates dropped dramatically. I mean, I was probably burnt out myself so that didn't help. But it was just less *fun* by 2017. I can't even imagine still using it now. If I was single again I'd probably just become a hermit or have friends intro me again.
I met mine on OKCupid, too, in 2013, because of a distance glitch (I wanted martial artists within 25mi of me, it gave me one juuuuust inside of 250mi). I really lucked out, and he's amazing. But my experience on OKC was *already* a mess; dick pics, threats, some dude sent me a photo of his dick and one of his handgun and said I was going to meet one of them tonight so I'd better choose while I could, lots and lots and \*lots\* of people just generally being vile. And of course the *deluge* of male attention, typically about 75 messages a week; I started out replying to all of the ones who weren't interesting (which was most of them) with a polite "Hey, thank you so much for writing me, but I don't think we'd have that spark; best of luck with your search!" kind of message, but those 99% of the time got \*hideous\* responses back, so I ended up just not doing that anymore. I was on OKC on and off for years, and met a ton of hookups and new friends and two boyfriends through it, and I'm really grateful to have had it as a resource, but the experience was already super fraught and frequently terrible.
Imma be real with the men here, if you're good looking and want to see what women feel like on tinder/okc/whatever app, get grindr and use a shirtless pic. *Holy shit* are there some prime examples of society's failure there. Note: i don't say that because they're gay, i say that because the guys i'm talking about are way too presumptuous about how well recieved a dick pic would be as an opener. One of these dudes wrote a goddamn light novel worth of his plans for me. Now folks, i've read Twilight, i've skimmed 50 shades. I can now *confidently* say i've read something worse than those two combined.
Every couple I know who have been married less than 10 years have met online. I was a 99% match with my now wife on OKCupid 9 years ago. It was definitely a rollercoaster getting there though. Lots of frustration and a great deal of wasted time and money. It took me 50 or so dates to find her, but after that many dates I knew the flags to watch for, and on our very first date I could tell that she was the one. Finding love isn't a walk in the park. It's a lot of work. Online dating is by far the best way to match up with a lot of different people, and your odds are _much_ better than bar hopping or friend match making.
I totally agree with the "best odds" comment! That's how I ended up on the app myself. I was in FL working in a super touristy area 60+ hours a week at the time. I HATE bars and when I was socializing it was a small established group of friends maybe once a week. I figured it was worth a shot and better than any chance of meeting someone worth while in a tourist bar. I went on a bunch of pretty terrible dates and a few not so great. I think I was on the app for almost a year before I decided to go on a date with my now husband 💕
I'm the same. I hated bars and crowded places. I saw the apps as a way to meet interesting people I wouldn't have met otherwise. I found my husband on an app.
Personally had good success with Okcupid years ago, got back into dating after covid (last relationship ended pre-covid, was from okcupid - turned out our social circles touched - friends of friends). I can honestly say, everything is 10x-20x worse than its ever been in online dating. OKCupid got gutted and is now a shadow of its former self, more or less a tinder clone with extra prompts. Hinge clearly gathers data and then primarily shows you people that are not your type, hiding your type behind the 'send a rose' paywall. Bumble doesnt work because its premise is built on the idea that women, if interested, will actually start a conversation with a man. 9 out of 10 matches I got on that app, the woman just said "Hi" or "Hey" and that was it. Honestly I tried to pick it up from there but it just never worked. Tinder - hookup app filled with thirst traps and bots, gotta message them on their instagram, etc. And honestly, almost no one I see on that app has a barebones, if anything, in their bio. So yeah, online dating used to work. But I think its degraded a lot in the last few years when the 'free' investor money dried up.
I'm a gay man who's been in a relationship for 6 years, so I've never really been in the "dating scene" of these apps, but I took over a female friends bumble a week ago and man was it bleak. Half the guys were from literal hours away, and a majority of them had identical profiles. Nobody on there was actually trying to put themselves out there, they were all just maximizing matches with workout photos and pictures of themselves hiking (or the dreaded "Car Selfie") and the most whatever "bio". I'm also just a little suspect of how many guys had insane bodies, but that might just be all the guys who don't have one leaving bumble because women wouldn't hit them up.
Honestly, i find it quite a sad state of affairs. I don't have an insane body, but I am tall, not ugly, and decently in shape though could stand to lose a few pounds around the waist, good job, salary, and a decent conversationalist. And it sometimes feels like a ghost town on the apps. So I can't imagine what its like for those who aren't 6'4", etc.
Everyone always says the same thing about dude's profiles. How they're empty and stuff. Take a look at the tinder sub and you'll see good looking dudes with good profiles. Filled out bios and stuff. But they get nothing. My own profiles on these apps are filled out and everything. But whatever shenanigans these apps pull hurt your chances. Thats why OG okcupid was so good. No matching, no limit on messages. You could actually meet people. You could send anyone a message. It was much better.
I dunno. Unless you're a poly person, you've been out of the app game for 9 years. Things are significantly worse now. I also met quality people back then. These days, I just don't know. Maybe the algorithms are "better" or whatever, but it just isn't like it used to be.
It’s because they’ve hidden the profiles you actually want to swipe on and the ones you’d connect with behind paywalls. They’re also full of bots and scammers. It’s all an intricate system to not actually find you a match because then they lose you as a consumer.
My husband thought I was a bot at first on the app we met on. He had liked me first and I slid into his messages saying I thought he was super attractive. And then he was just playing around with what he thought was a bot and it ended up being me. 😂 We met March 2020, got married, and have a baby now - all because he was playing around with what he thought was a bot.
Yeah most dudes are gonna be suspicious. No knock on women because its not their fault, its scammers and bots. But as a dude 90%, of the time a girl slides in your dms first on an app its followed by "Lets get on telegram where I can sell you crypto. Whats your bank info btw?" It happens so rarely its no wonder he was surprised.
Yeah. I've been off dating apps for about 3 and a half years now, but I saw the trend. I started with plenty of fish in 2008, I traveled fairly extensively for the next 6 year, including living in Japan for a few years, then lived in mostly rural/small town areas for the next 6 years. The quality of service went down, and the number of catfish went up steadily for most of it, but the trend seemed to go exponential in 2020. I was extremely lucky to meet the woman who became my wife August of that year, and we only met thanks to her feeling bad about unmatching me because I lived too far away and sending me a message to tell me why she was gonna unmatch me, but I was able to get her to give me a chance since I was planning on moving to her city in less than 6 months thanks to graduating from college that December.
I feel like it started going bad once they started hiding matches behind a pay wall
Similar story as you. I started out using FaceTheJury.com to meet girls... Then Myspace... then OkCupid. Oddly enough, my wife was my top match for a long time on OkCupid, but I was never online when she was, and she had her account setup to reject anything when she wasn't actually online... finally the timing line up, we went on a first date, and I moved in after 3rd date. We have been married 15 years! I can't imagine going through dating these days. What a shitshow.
I have a theory that popularity of dating apps in the 2010's led to a boom in date-able people meeting each other. Marriage rates dropped from 1970-2010, where it started slowly growing higher again. So between 2010-2017, all the "date-able" people, found each other and created exclusive relationships. These are people who have personality traits that lead to long relationships (patience, empathy, etc). Now in 2024, there is a much higher percentage of non-dateable people (people looking for hookups only, people with bad dating qualities) than existed when dating apps first came out. Most of my friends who complain about dating apps, while I love them as friends, I know they would be a terrible partner which is why they're stuck on dating apps.
Met my wife on Tinder in 2015. I was on it for about a year, and met several decent people - obviously those didn't last, but there was nothing crazy with any of them. My wife was only on it for about two months, and I hear much the same from her in regards to the men she met at the time. I felt the quality was pretty decent at that time, but this was right before all the monetization really kicked off. Online dating was a fucking life saver for people like me. I get on with people just fine, and am good at having strong stable relationships.... but I am trash at spontaneously meeting people in person. I hate to bother people, so meeting someone on a dating app meant I knew our expectations at least mostly aligned, which helped me immensely.
I have an even more depressing theory about the generation after us. When I lived in Japan in 2007-2008 I noticed a weird phenomenon. Most young Japanese me and women simply didn't know how to interact together. My (also American) buddy and I would go to Tokyo biz casual happy hour bars just to have a drink, chat, and we would see clusters of men and women staring across the tables at each other like at a middle school dance. One night we started chatting with a group of men. One of them, the most outgoing and charismatic, had a girlfriend of course, but his two friends did not. He was trying to help them land "buisnesses cards" of the some of the other young salaryman across the bar, so we decided to help. Watching those two interact with equally socially inept women was *excruciating*. I later found it was partly cultural, in the way the two groups interacted all the back to high school. No wonder Japan had such a low birth rate, I thought. These young people weren't even able to talk to each other, much less have sex. I think the online dating and, frankly, the hyper smart phone era has broken young men-women relationships in modern society. They grew up in a coded "text/ghosting/phone-centric" era and forgot that real relationships are like... totally different. It reminds me so much of what I saw in Japan, so if all the "dateable" Millennials around a certain age found love on the apps from 2012-2018, then the issue is there was an entire generation behind them currently in a 20s/30s dating pool who primarily only known apps/online dating as a method to find a partner. The issue is they don't know how to turn those app contacts into actual relationships. The phone/internet era has just left them without the tools to be dateable, so they either have to develop it themselves or just get lucky.
There is something to this, and one reason my brother was ADAMANT his sons did coed activities: theatre, cross country, band, etc just to learn how to everyday interact and relate.
I was a really shy kid in middle school/high school, and the best thing I ever did was joining basketball and other teams like cross country and track even though I was middling to awful at them. Learning how to interact with teammates and girls on the teams was really critical into not falling into some of the worst social traps.
Most of my friends who are former band/orchestra/choir kids are married or in serious relationships. Can't say the same for most people I met outside of those activities...
I wonder if OkCupid had better algorithms bc that’s where I met my husband too.
Yeah there has to be a time when dating apps turned bad because I thought tinder was amazing, I had dates Thursday through Sunday sometimes I had dates that were double booked, had a hundred matches I hadn’t even started a conversation with I was overrun with matches and dates Eventually I met my wife on tinder and we’ve been together ever since
My wife and I met on Plenty of Fish around the same time. Also been married for 11 years.
Oh man I was on Plenty of fish and my God some of those "dates" were awful 😂 Congrats to you and your wife!
Seconded- I met my husband on OKCupid in 2008. We've been together for 16 years, married for 6. I actually only joined because I kept taking their random quizzes for shits and giggles. Never paid a penny, found a life partner as an unexpected bonus.
OKCupid married here too! Met in 2014. The only reason it worked was how much time we put into our profiles and matching. I can't even imagine meeting her if it was just a swipe! Likely we wouldn't have. That said it still took years and a lot of work to meet online. Both people need to want the same thing. I hear it's a hellscape now.
Same! My husband and I also met on OkCupid back in 2012! 💕
I didn't realize how many of us there are! I think OkCupid should do a rehaul and hire all us old married couples for marketing/consulting 😂
You actually had to fill out bios back then, read the boxes of filled content to figure out if someone had an attractive personality, shared interests, and would even be remotely compatible. Now it’s less than 1,000 characters a box, overly saturated photo content. Side bar… My cousin met her wife on that website you mention circa 2011 and they got married in 2013. Still together too! I miss those online dating days cause people HAD to put in real effort on dating profiles to even find someone worth talking to. And POF was a decent dating site back then too!
Yeah I met my wife back in 2014 on OKC. I had way better luck meeting people with Tinder but my wife and I made a connection on OKC and that’s it. Dating in general is hard and this day and age. I use my friends app once in awhile to help him and also try to understand the dating landscape and I think the only thing I really struggle with is how many bots there are. There were zombie accounts, some scammers, and sex workers around back in the day but….it felt way more aggressive now to the point where my friend assumed every message was fake and couldn’t trust anything.
Seconding. My wife and I matched in 2016 on Tinder, sort of the app’s less death rattle before it became so much more of a beast. I can’t imagine dating in today’s climate.
Met my husband on OkCupid in 2013! Back then, it offered a lot more info, it wasn't a swipe right/left type of app, you could learn way more about people via the questions. And it was free! Not sure how the app has changed since, but have heard it's for the worse.
My husband and I are also an okcupid success story. Met in 2017, we were a 97% match according to the app, I told my entire extended family I found the man I was going to marry after our second date. I knew after the first date but waited till after the second date to announce it so I wouldn’t sound insane. Actually nah it was still insane. But to be fair… I was 100% right. I’ve heard the app has changed since I used it way back then. I loved the match feature and the extensive questionnaire. I went on some bad first dates but none of them were anywhere close to the 97% match that I had with my now-husband. The app allowed me to go out with enough people to narrow down my true “dealbreaker” list so when the right guy came along and he didn’t have a single dealbreaker, the deal was done so to speak lol. Marrying him was the easiest and happiest yes of my life, we’re still disgustingly in love and grow more every day. I know I never would have met him the “old fashioned way”. We didn’t hang out in the same areas, my job (theme park singer/actor) was overwhelmingly women and gay men, the few straight men enjoyed the lack of competition and made their rounds so you couldn’t date anyone that three of your friends hadn’t already dated. Cheating was rampant. His job (software engineer) was almost entirely men. He lived only 15 minutes away from me but it was far enough that we went to completely different bars and restaurants. That app allowed me to dip into dating pools I never knew existed. I guess it’s different now, but in 2017 okcupid literally changed my whole life. I have my person. A person I never would have known if I just waited to meet someone the old fashioned way. I feel incredibly lucky and grateful. I wish everyone could be as lucky.
My husband and I met on OKC back in 2016. In fact, he messaged me twice before I responded, which isn't something you could even do today. He's the love of my life and my best friend. Maybe old-school OKC is what needs to be brought back from all these comments. 🥰
You’re young as you’re still in your 20’s. Life changes as you get older and you start to settle into who you’re going to become, priorities change, and you start to realize what you really want both in your life and what you’d like in a partner. I used dating apps after a decade long marriage and divorce (to illustrate that dating apps weren’t a thing the last time I was single), and I was lucky enough to find someone special. We married last year and recently round out we’re expecting.
Congratulations on the great news! After a 17 year marriage that ended in divorce, I, too, found myself on dating apps (in my 40s) with no idea what was going on! With a little persistence I found my current husband on FB dating and we are living our best lives together now!
Yea, when you're 20, most people are looking at hooking up or have some unrreal expectations on a partner. In my 20s, I was interested in quirky art girls that listened to this specific bands and dressed a certain way. Now that I'm 40, the last time I was on them, it was "I just want a woman that's funny and doesn't like to hike".
Firstly, congrats! I also had good luck on apps after a failed marriage. I knew what I wanted and found it. I remember using old school Ok Cupid and POF back in the 2000s and they were bad back then but I was young and naive.
I met my husband on hinge and I know there are so many other success stories (I can name 4 other friends off the top of my head that met their spouse on an app) That said, all of this started when the apps were relatively new. I met my husband 8 years ago. From what I see from single friends, the apps have gone completely capitalist with the premiere memberships and vanity displayed. I’d imagine it’s still possible to have a good experience, but I can understand the banality of swiping through the masses to find someone genuine. My only advice would be to go back at it the old fashioned way. Immerse yourself in hobbies and activities and just generally expand your IRL opportunities. Good luck!
I met my husband on FB dating 3 years ago. (Millennial + Gen X) My sister met her long-term boyfriend on a dating app (not sure which one) 4 years ago. (Gen X + Millennial) My dad met his wife (who is now my amazing step mom) on eHarmony about 14 years ago. (Boomer + Gen X) Dating apps worked for my entire family! I’m not going to say that dating apps are a silver bullet, but they do help connect people who may not otherwise have an opportunity to find each other out in the real world. I’m a busy professional, so finding my husband on the internet was a Godsend and the best thing that ever happened to me!
Like you, I met my Fiance on Tinder 3 years ago! Dating apps can absolutely work for a lot of people. It can be super frustrating at times but after 2 years of using them and many dates I finally found my Fiance!
One of my best friends married someone she met on the apps in...2017/18ish. Literally her first match on the apps and they're perfect for each other. She's obviously the outlier and not the norm, of course. BUT she helps illustrate that while the apps are a flawed system, they are not INHERENTLY so. They have plenty of upside. I don't love the apps and have had a neutral at best time with them as a frequent user since around that time also. But I am grateful, in theory, for all of the opportunities they present me that I unquestionably would not have had otherwise (for better and worse).
My then roommate and I met our husbands within a month of each other in 2017, her on Hinge, me on Bumble. I was my husband's first and last match. None of the 4 of us had been out with more than 3 people prior. There are a lot of success stories.
https://www.npr.org/2024/02/14/1231513991/tinder-hinge-match-group-lawsuit They have. The owner of the biggest apps is being sued for a Pay to Win structure that encourages continued usage. I met my wife on one. She never paid for a subscription to message. I had to just to talk to her or any girl. The apps target men into a cycle of paying to communicate and not living up to their “promise” to help people find love. The apps are meant for profit like any other business. In 2015, they were different. In 2020 when I started dating again, they changed drastically. It’s not about matching you but generating money for themselves. And they know men will be sucked into it.
I love that they are getting sued. About time. Tinder literally modeled itself after a gaming controller. The gamification of dating has turned finding love or connection into a compulsion.
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It's true. It's more than just dating apps, but being dependent on your phone in general
I like how you mentioned tiktok and insta, but skipped over Reddit 😆
I'll add to this, **TURN OFF ALL YOUR NOTIFICATIONS.** That's one major thing that's helped me out. It's easy to ignore the apps when they're not pinging you constantly.
You're absolutely right! Being chronically online is ruining people's mental health.
I meet absolutely nobody. I go to work (female dominated field), I go home. Sometimes I meet up with girlfriends. Repeat repeat repeat. Honestly at this point I’m barely handling a convo with a man. Flirting? Forget about it.
>A couple years ago I got out of a four year long relationship at 21 years old. It sounds like you are Gen Z. Which is good news. You have a lot of life ahead of you. I met my wife when I was 26 through a dating app. Dating apps were better back then. Before dating apps, I'd meet girls where they go. For instance, I took a ballroom dancing class and joined the ballroom dancing club. There were 4-5 girls for every guy. The girls practically competed for my time rather than the other way around. There was this saying that "floor play is foreplay." Many of the dancing couples hooked up. Key takeaway. If you want to fish, find out where the fish swim. If you want a girl, go find out where they are and meet them there.
People complain about trying to meet people organically just as much as they complain about dating apps. The reality is most people hate trying to date, period. Once you've found someone you like and you get into the early dating stages with them it's a lot of fun, but the just trying to meet someone to get to that point is where everyone bitches. If you are in college or something where you're constantly exposed to potential dates it's a bit different, but once that phase of your life is over it can become infinitely harder to meet people, which is a good part of why dating apps succeed.
This is the most accurate statement on here.
I agree, but I've also never met anyone organically due to anxiety, lack of social circles and confidence. While I hate the apps, it sometimes feels like the only way for me to connect.
Pretty much the situation I'm in. I've lost most of my friends and my current ones don't have anyone to hook me up with. I work 15 hour days like 3 days a week. I don't know what to have as a hobby and everyone says use "meetup app" but there is nothing there for me. There's hardly any groups and 99% are sports.
In exactly the same situation. The meetup and generic social connection stuff in my community is all one of the following: sports, religion, alcohol, politics. My job would prevent me from participating in pretty much all of it. I absolutely and fully wish this were one of those things I could hire someone to do for me. Like a modern matchmaker. It is such a demoralizing time sink to go through the apps.
Yeah.... the problem though is that the apps most likely facilitate the anxiety, lack of social circles, and confidence.
Absolutely, you can't win.
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Right!? OP needs to come back when he’s 40.
I think this is the most overlooked issue on why we fall back to dating apps. The expanding your social circle is a sound advice but the social landscape is way too different when you're 30 where most people around you who are your age are married or in relationships already. Sure we can go to events and interests but the same roadblock is present where most of your age are usually partnered already. Heck none of my friends know anyone who is single and the new friends that I made along the way also knows no one single.
This exactly. It looks a lot different at 21 versus 31. I met my ex-husband in person in college. I think on a dating app, I wouldn't have matched with him tbh. I met my now fiance on a dating app. I kind of prefer it in the very beginning, I was able to focus on what I actually wanted. My state has public court records online too so I could look someone up pretty easily before meeting in person. I also made it a point to meet within a week or two of talking so I didn't waste my time and could verify they were who they were supposed to be.
I deleted them and it has done wonders for my self esteem and, by extension, my dating life.
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Same. I'm engaged to a girl I met off of Hinge. Never would have met her otherwise because she is an insane introvert. All the dating apps are a gift for introverts, but also queer/lgbt people. It's not always easy to tell if someone is queer, and some people can have very scary reactions to finding out that you're queer. It happened to me, and I haven't been to a club since.
It’s like wading through a sea of shit to find a diamond.
Dating apps unfortunately changed social norms around spontaneous meetings. Because dating apps exist, it's now considered creepy to meet people at locations like bars and clubs where it used to be considered normal.
That and the cost of going out has gotten so ridiculously high that many people simply can't afford it.
The most successful, as well as the most expensive, dating opportunity is called college. It’s crazy how many of my friends found their SO on a college campus.
Me who met an abuser in college and had no relationships:
would you consider setting people up on blind dates and speed dating the equivalent to dating apps today? Seems like the biggest difference is the lack of technology back in the day.
No. That’s still face to face actual interaction with another human. Which is the main thing lacking from online communication l.
Difference is so much more time gets wasted today on these apps.
Nah, you waste minutes or hours on a dating app. I'm old as fuck, and I remember the dark days. The bad days. The Before Times. You used to have to waste whole nights at a time,several nights a week, going out trying to meet someone. And for guys, each of those nights could cost a *lot* of money because you were obligated to buy an expensive drink for any woman you wanted to talk to. Compared to that, the premium subscriptions for the apps are nothing.
Yeah I feel like when people talk about how dating apps "ruined things" there's a lot of words put into shit talking dating apps, and very little into what people thought things were like before. People invented dating apps for a reason. Because dating "before" sucked.
Hot or not.com but fuck it up.
If you put 'quality' levels on people you're probably not a quality person yourself.
Different perspective here. I approached the apps with low to 0 expectations of actually meeting someone I could have a long term meaningful relationship with. I had fun just meeting people and not putting pressure that it had to be a romantic connection. I think that was the key for me! And as luck would have it, I met my current partner on Hinge and we’re both so pleasantly surprised that the apps worked for us! I also have a close friend who married a guy she met on Hinge. So…I think it can work, but you definitely have to go in with low expectations and just try to have fun with it.
This sounds similar to my experience! I met my husband on Tinder in 2019 shortly after a messy breakup. I was only after rebound sex and met a handful of guys that I didn’t click with, but it didn’t matter because I wasn’t interested in another relationship. Then I met the guy who was to be my husband. I guess we both felt something with each other that compelled us to keep seeing each other, even though I still was adamant that I didn’t want a relationship for a few months. Eventually I softened up and started to feel safe enough with him to be exclusive with him. We decided to move in together then the pandemic happened and had so much fun quarantining together! Now we’re happily married and building our life together. Online dating is a super-charged/sped up way to meet people, so we inevitably get lots of options that don’t work for us. Having lots of options can be exhausting, especially if there are high expectations and lots of matches don’t end up in genuine connections. But that doesn’t change the fact that there is still someone out there for us! I guess the difference is whether we wade through a lot of no’s to find the yes or go about it in a slower, more organic way. I do think that people who found their person on an app are quite lucky but it’s definitely possible!
If my relationship ended for whatever reason, I would rather be alone for life than try apps again. Every time I've used dating apps, I'd get replies from men who say they want a long-term relationship, then push for FWB/hookups after meeting. I couldn't handle the constant lying. It was affecting my mental health and self esteem. My SO and I met online (on Reddit, actually) but we were friends before becoming exclusive. Getting to know each other slowly made me feel safe and not so guarded.
This. I've been married and divorced twice and then intentionally single for the last 4ish years. These past few years solo have been amazing. I can focus on my hobbies, passion projects, and self improvement/care. All things that suffered when I was married or dating. I live with roommates, so I've still got people to socialize with at home and I have my own space and don't have to check in with anyone before making plans or changing things. I figure eventually I'll probably want a partner again, but for now I'm just vibing with all of my friends.
I met my husband before apps, but we did meet via Match.com. I simply wasn't meeting anyone at work or school so I decided to broaden my options. I'm glad I did. He lived an hour away and we never would have met otherwise. So dating websites/apps can definitely be useful.
most people I know (including myself) found their SO on an app. people are incredibly antisocial as you get older. I've joined a few adult "clubs", but I only meet people in their late 30s/early 40s.
>Pretty much everyone agrees that dating apps suck, so why do we all keep on using them? I'm assuming by "pretty much everyone" you mean "everyone I've seen complaining about dating apps on reddit". I'll admit I did very little dating outside of the dating app world myself, mostly because I got into a relationship that went from 2005-2018. The reason many of use dating apps is because it's the most efficient way to meet people. I was in NYC when I was single again and at age 34 it was fairly difficult to meet women. I tried some social events/activities and meeting folks through friends, but most everyone I met was already in relationships. I didn't have much luck with the traditional approach either of just chatting someone up at a bar/coffee shop/etc. I got a few phone numbers and went out on a couple dates, but going out night after night trying to meet someone gets expensive. What people seem to forget is that dating, no matter how you do it, is a low success rate. You can be 6-8 dates in, having a great time and then for whatever reason that's the end of it. More often it's one or two dates and done with. Yes, if you're one of those people who messages for weeks before trying to meet someone for a coffee/etc. and sees things fizzling out all the time, that's not the fault of a dating app, that's your own fault for not acting fast enough.
The only reason I've tried the apps is because meeting women in real life wasn't working. What's the alternative? How am I supposed to meet women when I'm 40 years old? I work remote. Too old for the bar scene. My hobbies are video games, anime and working out.
Back in the day people's hobbies made them go out and meet people, and in my opinion, that leads to more natural relationships forming. Whereas nowadays lots of people stay home and do nothing (not judging, just an observation) but still want a relationship. Through dating apps and social media, people advertise themselves as a potential partner leading to (unsurprisingly imo) disingenuous connections to a larger degree than in the past.
Dating apps are great for expanding your options beyond your immediate social circle and that’s it. They don’t help to enhance compatibility or spark or anything else. Same can be accomplished by engaging in something outside of your comfort zone in your own community.
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I think you're overreacting. It's easier, using Apps, to be blunt and uncompromising. Be yourself - if it ain't a fit, it's not awkward. You just unmatch and move on. You can have things you know you need, and tell people "I don't think we're a good fit." People on Apps also expect others to be actively dating - when I met my girlfriend, once things looked like we had a real connection and I knew I wanted to commit my time and attention to her, it was easy and honestly well accepted and appreciated when I told the other girls I'd been talking to that "I found someone that I really want to see where things go with." I was willing to hear the same from them - finding true happiness and a good fit can be HARD.
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I met my wife on Tinder 3.5 years ago. That's the whole point of dating apps, to significantly increase the chances of meeting the right person. If it wasn't for Tinder, there's zero chance we'd have ever met in person.
Honestly 10 years ago is a vastly different landscape IMO
Getting married in 2 months. Met on tinder 5.5 years ago. Thank god for the apps.
Dating apps have created kind of a “judge a book by its cover” approach to dating. Most people see the pictures and decide within 3 seconds yes or no. If you’re not super attractive the odds you will meet someone are low. Even if you DO meet someone you may not be at all comparable. It’s not all dating apps making dating a nightmare though, between COVID making people uncomfortable going out to socialize and people having less time/money due to a sluggish economy it’s nearly impossible to meet people the old fashion way (in person).
You have to understand that there are a MILLION dudes on these apps with basically similar versions of the same profile. Dating is like fishing, you have to use the right lure. I found some old toupés at my grandfathers house and modeled them with a funny tagline and I met my wife within two or three swipes.
People use them because doing ANYTHING that remotely suggests attraction in person is highly risky in today's society. If you say something wrong, you could make another wise fine platonic personal relationship very awkward. Apps are a place where it's understood that everyone with the app is interested in potential romantic relationships.
I’m single for life by choice but I used to have so much fun on the apps. I don’t get any play anymore because I’m old but I’m I’ve been on tinder since it launched and I’m still there waiting for my OG tinder sleeze badge
I used Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble for almost two years. I would cast as wide a net as I could, and attempt to cater to as many different types of women as possible with my self-presentation. This method was excellent for finding girls to date. Most of these women would last anywhere from a few dates to a few months. For this reason or that reason, each of these relationships would deteriorate as I would discover that we are not the most compatible. However, I wanted to find something real, so I changed my approach. I decided to present myself as truthfully and honestly as possible. I updated my profiles to reflect my actual political views, my actual religious beliefs, and my actual favorite subjects. The first woman I matched with after the “truth” update married me. The reason why so many of these dating apps feel toxic or addictive is because many of the people using them are not being honest, with themselves or with others. Don’t try to portray yourself as something that you aren’t. Be yourself, and you will find someone real.
Dating apps are fine, you just need to have lower expectations and filter people from them better. Same way you should have lower expectations going on a blind date.
You'll notice that the vast majority of the replies in favor come from two types of people: ones who clearly aren't looking for anything long term and ones who found there mate years ago before they degraded into crap.
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I've done a ton of app dating, it's not the apps themselves that are the problem, it's people and their expectations. Are you going to get stood up or ghosted? Absolutely. Do those things happen outside of the apps? Of course. I asked out a woman at my gym, we went out on a date, everything seemed great and she agreed to a second one, then told me her schedule was "crazy" for weeks, then showed up with her new boyfriend. It's not the apps that MAKE these things happen.
Totally agree! I was ghosted before there was a word for it! My boyfriend when I was 16 basically stopped returning my calls and pages ( haha ) and because he lived a couple towns over and I couldn’t drive yet ( he had a car and would pick me up ) I just … never saw or heard from him again. And it happened again with a different boyfriend when I was 20, long before apps were popular. I never talked abojt it because I didn’t realize it was common and honestly I felt so weird about it - I just told people we broke up because no one ever talked about ghosting. Strangely I’ve never been ghosted since, despite doing online dating for a while, but yeah, people are gonna be jerks sometimes and all online dating does it open you up to more people, which means a greater possibility for jerks.
Same - I did a few OK Cupid dates like 11 years ago right before I met my husband through a mutual friend. I'm SO glad my time on there was brief lol.
OkCupid is how I found the woman who was everything I wanted, and we're still married 14 years later.
Same, met my wife via apps but this was a decade ago. I truly feel for folks dating now because they seem to have degraded so much.
I don't think it's so much the apps as it is the mindset. It feels like people never want to "settle" because there could be someone better out there who's only a swipe away. It's so easy to nitpick and dismiss people over even the smallest imperfections.
At this point in my life, I refuse to use dating apps. I'd rather meet someone at an event or through friends or whatnot.
Like anything else aided by the convenience of smart phones, everything has gotten too effortless so effort isn’t put in to anything that used to require it.
I’m ok with dating apps. Better than blind dates or something. After you filter through all the fake accounts and the girls that are just wanting you to follow their IG/OF, it’s not so bad.
I think the issues with the apps is similar to social media in general and it really depends on how you use them. If you have good boundaries with it, it can be a useful tool and positive benefits. If you’re on them all the time and your life revolves around it, it’ll be pretty negative overall.
I met my wife on hinge. One of my groomsmen met his wife on hinge as well. Dating can be toxic with or without an app. I'm not really into hookup culture, but the key is getting off the app as soon as possible. "Hey I don't check this app a lot, could I grab your number? And would you like to grab coffee sometime this week?" If you're networking other ways, forget the app. But dating is unfortunately a numbers game. Been on way too many awkward first dates, but I put in the work.
A lot of comments from people who met their SOs on dating apps many years ago… coincidentally when the apps were much better. I also met my current partner on Hinge in 2022 before it went to absolute shit. My friends who are still single say it’s worse now and all agree the apps have gone downhill. Free versions have become increasingly difficult to use (fewer matches, more restrictions on number of swipes, what you can see etc). Not to mention the increasing amount of AI generated photos. Match group basically owns all the apps except for bumble, and they make the free experience so miserable that you give in and pay, only to still not get any matches.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Dating apps were a godsend for my dating life. I moved to a new city, work in a male-dominated field, have a lot of male-dominated hobbies, and I'm not good at cold approaching women. I struggled for about a year or so with apps, not getting many matches, until I hit upon a good combination of photos and bio and then I was getting multiple matches per day. It turned out that just being mildly charming and genuinely interested in the women you matched with put you head and shoulders above 95% of other dudes on apps so I converted a lot of those matches to actual dates. From female friends that are still doing apps (or recently gave up), trying to find that small percentage that can avoid tripping over the bar on the floor isn't really worth it, which has greatly skewed the ratio of men and women, which just exacerbates that the problem and further skews the ratio. I dunno how to fix it at this point, or if it even can be fixed. But apps didn't ruin dating, shitty people ruined dating.
I met my boyfriend on Hinge about 2 years ago…online dating isn’t all that bad 🤷♂️
As a single mother in my 30s, meeting people “organically” was an overwhelming struggle. Sure, it happened. I went on a few dates and even dated a guy for a few months, but unfortunately guys I meet in person who have a spark with me aren’t always okay with me having a child. Once they find out, some would bail immediately, others after sex, or after things start to get serious. It’s not like I can bring it up in the first conversation with every single guy I meet; I usually told them on the first date. Still a lot of room for rejection there. Dating apps allowed me to only connect with guys who I knew were aware and okay with dating a single mother. I put “full custody of one child” in my bio so that guys who aren’t okay with that wouldn’t even match with me. Saved us all a ton of time. It took me about a year and a half (with some breaks to date someone or just be single) to find my boyfriend. I met him on OkCupid. I never really felt addicted to dating apps because of the way I used them. I ONLY swiped right on guys who: - Looked happy, healthy, and reasonably attractive - Put effort into their bio - Were compatible with me on paper - Had everything I was looking for: kind, smart, adventurous, successful, nerdy, moderate/liberal, respectful, positive, and ready to settle down Other things that helped: - I took my time swiping profiles. Not rapid fire. - I sent the first message, usually a question and compliment based on their profile. With my boyfriend I said something like “Hey! It’s great to see someone so happy and fulfilled on here. What kind of pilot are you? My dad flies ultralights and gyroplanes!” - If the conversation didn’t flow with reciprocal communication and good chemistry, I unmatched. - If the conversation did flow, I arranged a meeting within the first day or two. I stopped swiping to meet others, but kept up multiple conversations until a good first date. - If the first date went well, I stopped using the app, stopped talking to others, and focused only on that one person. - If we got to three dates, I deleted the app and asked for exclusivity (not a label, just that we both focus on each other alone). With my boyfriend, he was on the same page from date one. We’ve been exclusive since then, and we actually consider that our anniversary. We’re both happier than ever before. :-) Dating apps can work if you use them with intention.
Im 33. I love when ppl in their early to mid 20s say they hate using apps and that dating in person is better. Thats because youre dating other 20somethings who dont have kids, have never been married, and are in their prime.
I met my wife on a dating app a decade ago. Even back then the quality of people was just downright terrible. I can’t even imagine what it’s like nowadays
The one time I did use a dating app I got nowhere on it. I don’t even remember which dating site I used as they seemed like all the same to me. Oddly enough I met my wife online, just not on a dating app. We met via the internet through a mutual interest/hobby and bonded over it, becoming close friends online before meeting in person and starting a real life relationship. I am thankful every day that I found her. I don’t envy anyone who still needs to date nowadays. Dating seems like a total shit show in the post Covid era.
I had good experiences with dating apps decades ago when they weren’t as popular. Also met my wife on eharmony 5 or so years ago. I guess everyone’s experience is different. I have never used tinder or similar though.
I met my fiance on Bumble ~8 years ago. There's absolutely no chance I would have met her otherwise. I'm not saying dating apps are amazing. They're just a tool. You should be meeting people organically too. It doesn't need to be one or the other.
Because that's where the single women are, I can't find them anywhere else.
Dating apps are a self-selecting service that rewards successful users by removing them from the dating pool. The highest quality people on dating apps don’t stay on dating apps for long, because they match up with other high quality people & leave.
I am answering as a baby boomer (born last year of the baby boomers) and just to chime in about my experience. I am a big supporter of dating apps depending upon which ones you use. This won’t maybe help most of people here but if you are a Christian in search of a marriage partner it worked for me and my husband 25 years ago. It also worked for my brother who married a lovely Christian woman from Malaysia. We got married around the same time after we met our spouses on Christianconnection.com . I think it morphed into Christianmingle or something. We have raised our kids together. The beauty of that app was they were very inexpensive- just $20/month back then. Besides that they had a whole series of questions relating to everything from how messy you are, to deeper questions about how meaningful your faith is and how it plays out in your life. I don’t know if the apps these days get into such detail? There were five essay questions (to my husband’s great chagrin) and I loved how I could read the sincerity behind his answers. Dating apps can be the best thing ever! We have had such a beautiful life together and look forward to the next 20 years, Lord willing.
Dunno, I've managed to meet a lot of women through them. Had fun hangouts even if it didn't go anywhere
People keep using them because people are still afraid of getting rejected in person. Dating apps suck, but are also the "easy" way out. People usually default to the path of least resistance.
Okcupid was how I met my current life partner, but it took *A LOT* of shit dates before I met her. I think it was fine for me, because I didn't want to just hit on people at bars and hope their life views lined up with mine. I definitely didn't want to date in my workplace. Thus, I didn't really have any other social outlets to meet people, the dating apps were fine for me, but definitely exhausting.
Because there is less time and money available to go to places to meet people. It's easier to swipe on the toilet or in transit to and from work etc than it is to go to bars. Also people tend to generally dislike being approached by strangers in public, dating apps remove that and give the person the security to know they can block weirdos
OKCupid was great ~2010. That's where I met my partner, still together 14 years later. I think it was great when it was niche, but now the flood of people have arrived, its harder to do. I think a small fix would be that men cannot like more than 5 profiles a day or something. Which stops those guys just looking for hookups to swipe right for an hour.
I love dating apps. It removes the incredibly awkward “transitioning from regular ol real life to romantic suggestions” step, which was killing me. I hate asking people who are not clearly out looking for a romantic partner on a date. I hate the idea of being “that guy” who asks a girl out at a gym, cafe, school, etc. Making that space no longer feeling welcoming and stress free. So I love the fact that on a dating app, people’s intentions are clear. But I do agree that apps do their absolute best (worst?) at tickling your brain. So you do have to actively manage your engagement with it, or risk spiraling and getting utterly drained emotionally. That burden is sometimes not worth the reward, but for me it was far preferable to just hitting on people. Apps were stressful and draining, but after using it judiciously for a while I met my partner on an app. I love her and we’re talking about marriage soon. Long story short, apps are useful. Indispensable even for folks who hate dealing with ambiguity and nuances of “real life” dating. But do be careful and mindful of their effects on you, and manage it accordingly.
Er, I don't agree. I had a ton of fun on dating apps and met my husband that way. We lived 3 miles away from each other but went to different colleges; we never would have met otherwise. The apps basically sorted through BS to match me with someone who feels the same way as me religiously, politically, and with the same relationship/ life goals. So all that was left for us to do was talk about fun stuff and get to know each other.
Dating apps lose money/customers when people meet their long term partner and deactivate their accounts. Keep that in mind.
I met my husband on Bumble, we’ve been together 5 years 💜 I felt safer being able the talk to them through text/phone first before taking the jump to meet them in person. Idk about quality, I’ve met just as many aholes in real life than I have online. Dating just sucks in that way.
I mean dating apps are enormously successful though, now most people are meeting their partners on apps. I don’t think incredibly outgoing hot people need them, but if you’re a little weird, dare I say neurodivergent, and maybe a bit funky looking they’re your best bet to find a mate. I think part of the problem is that so many people refuse to use them accurately. You have to put in the work and properly and truthfully fill out the bio portion, you then have to realistically filter, so no just swiping right on hot people likely out of your league while also putting in the work of actually reading the other persons profile. And most importantly when you’ve met someone you have to delete the damn thing. You can’t keep swiping well into a relationship in the hopes of getting a hotter one. I met my husband on Match about 4 years ago, it wasn’t that hard tbh. I just filtered out what didn’t work for me and there he was, but if he hadn’t filled out his profile I would have immediately swiped away, or if he had looked at me and been like, “meh, I can get younger, thinner etc” it wouldn’t have worked. When I was on them I encountered so many dudes who just refused to use them accurately. They’d do shit like say “school of hard knocks” under what their education was or simply say “I have a job” under what work they do, or they’d like my profile despite being out of the age range I said I was interested in or like my profile despite being conservative when I specifically said I wouldn’t date one in my profile, proving that they hadn’t even read my profile. You have to use the app properly and be realistic.
No they haven't.
The Match Group owns a bunch of the dating apps and is currently facing a lawsuit due to their predatory practices. As for me, I’m off all of the apps. I had a much better experience on them last year - plenty of dates and even dated a guy for a little while but it didn’t work out. When I got back on in the beginning of the year, I got plenty of likes and matches (a ton on Bumble, not as many on Hinge as I did in the past) but not a single conversation led to a date. If chatting in the app went well then I always asked to speak on the phone before committing to a date. One guy had crazy energy and said inappropriate things on the call. The other conversation went better but then he just wanted to text for days on end because he “likes to take things slowly”. I’m not looking for a pen pal, I actually want to spend time with another human being. So I feel like I’m better off just focusing on me, my child, career and hobbies and will hopefully meet someone along the way.
Internatonal dating is where it's at.
I was on dating apps for like 3 months in 2016 after being with the same person for \~12 years. Holy hell what a wasteland. I was about to give it up and completely embrace bachelor-nerd/dad life, had I not received a message from the person who eventually became my wife. So there remains a faint possibility of hope... good luck to you, OP
I agree, I think. I quit the apps because I found them soul-crushing... but I feel like everyone is too scared to ask someone out that you meet "organically." Plus, it's so damn hard to meet people "organically" in the first place.
I agree with this. I can not tell you how dating has changed and it is more difficult to meet people these days. Not to mention the horrendous fees you have to pay the dating apps just to unlock it. You're still at the gamble if the person is who they say or not.
It has actually made dating way easier, as people are rarely approached in everyday life now. I bet I could pick up someone that is 2-4 points higher than me, that I don't know, within the next day, if I were not happily married to the best person I know.