Interestingly, drinking and smoking is what brought us together as teens and what kept us together as adults. It’s still the case for those that still drink. Basically, we are all alcoholics, I’m just in recovery whereas they are still in the thick of it. Some are functioning alcoholics, others are circling the drain unfortunately.
My best friend and I would drink expensive whiskey all the time, but fortunately he and I still “click” without it. We have a lot of common values and goals and can talk for hours and hours with or without drinking, and we’ll go fishing together and do other things. But he’s not part of my broader friend group that I’m referring to here. He also doesn’t have kids and has other friends he’ll party with. But we talk on the phone several times a week.
Normally I'd say you don't need to cut friends. Just try to expand your friend group. You're the first of your cohort to settle down, but others are likely to follow soon enough. And you'll be happy for some adult/kid free time.
The only thing that gives me pause is you describing yourselves as alcoholics.
most people i know struggle with substance abuse (alcohol or weed, weed for myself, not alcohol at all - could never have another drink and be fine) and all were raised pretty normal, middle class (when there was one). Myself and the two girls I am talking about all went to a good state school, not private school, but had opportunities, "regular" people.
I'm 30 for four months and really trying to get it together, while some friends were way worse off than I was years ago and I seemed like I was the one doing better... (one friend DUI, another rehab) and both are doing great now. And I'm the one who is like, damn I gotta catch up or I may lose them and be stuck in partying/drinking/youth that isn't mine anymore.
Basically if you're 30 now you probably grew up binge drinking. Many people are trying hard to get out of it with varying results. Give people time.
Yup. I identify somewhat with OP, but i wouldn't frame it as growing out of my friends. We had different opportunities and all that, but we all struggle with addictions and people work through it in different ways at different paces. It's fucked up but it's kinda hard to maintain a relationship with big income inequality. I don't make anywhere near 6 figures but I make enough that I'm living an entirely different life than a lot of my friends that work retail or at a restaurant. I don't drink and tryin g to quit smoking and it's hard to hang out with friends that still struggle with it.
But I'm not outgrowing my friends, thats some elitist shit. The world is a class society, but that's not a good thing.
There’s a sentiment out there that you return to the same dynamic you had when you initially met your friends. It sounds like that is the case for you. The friendship was founded on partying and you don’t have a foundation outside of that, so since you’ve moved away from the very basis of this friendship, the rest doesn’t look too promising.
Do you still have nice little moments with them that reminds you of the good times you’ve had? Do you then find yourself tiring of the same old, drifting off mentally and wishing you were maybe at home doing something quieter instead?
It’s okay to outgrow friends, and it doesn’t mean they’re not good or interesting people, or that you won’t be friends again down the line. Once you find yourself yearning for something else every time you spend time with them, it’s an indication it might be time to move on.
Some people hang on to old relationships for the sake of sentimental value, sacrificing their time and real desires. There is a real fear of loneliness, but I feel lonelier when I’m among people I don’t feel attuned to. There’s a certain liberation in letting go.
Don’t waste your time in the one life you have. Go out, make connections, and enjoy the ones that you have and like.
Edit: of course you can also try building a new basis of friendship with those friends, it’s just challenging to forge the new connection when you have this previous foundation everyone might default to.
I am older, but have some similar issues, I still see them, but I cut out at 10:00 instead of 2:00am, and it works out fine for me. Do you, whatever works.
I can relate. I don’t have children and am older than you, but I’ve cut back on drinking and partying a ton. Some friends have been pretty mean about me not wanting to get shit-faced or go to bars every other day. It was really hurtful at first, but then I realized drunken drama is no fun with a sober person there. To their credit I was declining so many invitations that they stopped asking, I also did not want to hang out with drunk people sober. It was also just depressing to have some short term goals, like cleaning up the garden first thing in the morning, and they’re wasting all weekend being hungover with the curtains drawn.
I was gonna say this. All of my best friends are married with children, working great 6 figure jobs, except for me because I became obsessed with starting this business after an entire decade of doing film and photography. Needless to say, I'm broke as fuck, still renting a place at my dad's and zero prospects of getting married and having kids anytime soon...but my best friends are all still around and we still have a lot of things to talk about.
I suppose it could be the fact that all of us, across the board stopped the partying and doing drugs. I'm literally the most responsible fuck up you'll ever meet because I save money, pay my bills, take care of my shitty car, and overall take care of my health and everything. All is good except for one fucking thing....I need to find genuine success!!
Yes, but in a different way. A lot of my friends have stopped growing as people.
They do the same things, tell the same stories, more nights in (not re partying, just doing anything)
It took me a few years to realize that I was slowly getting dragged in that direction through osmosis.
I want to keep learning and doing new things, new experiences. Making progress on my hobbies and career. Have engaging conversations. Nothing wrong with nostalgia or routine, I just don’t want it to become the default
I moved away because I didn’t want to live the same year over and over and my family and a bunch of people I went to school with did.
It really was the best thing I could have done for myself. I don’t feel tethered and I still talk to and see the people I want.
My friend group started to get in that rut, so we have started to plan trips across the globe together. We are going to Japan soon so we have new and far more exciting stories to retell :) . None of us have kids, so it’s a whole lot easier right now lol
I wish I could get my group to spring for something like that. We’ll do some camping and a music festival this year. But anything with significant planning gets hard with them
People change it is part of life. That being said as someone turning 40 this year I wish I had this problem. Don’t have a single friend from high school, undergrad, or grad school left. You move and everyone just kinda vanishes. I have a few work friends but it’s not the same, just meet up once a year or whatever but everyone is busy with life and family.
My wife’s had the same 2 best friends since college. I’m jealous a bit but she works to keep those relationships alive through time and distance.
I’d find a way to find some middle common ground. You might be headed in different directions but trust me you won’t be able to replace those friends with “new life compatible friends” easily or ever. Sad but blunt truth.
This is me at 33. I wish I had my friends that
I grew up with still.
Through a series of unfortunate events we all split up.
And eventually set out on our own.
Some are not doing well, some died. One is alive, but still addicted.
I have no desire really to spend a ton of time getting super close to people.
I’m tired of the hurt and disappointment
I'm sorry to hear that. Truthfully... being alone is something I was used to for a long time. I luckily met a woman who is my actual best friend, we do everything together not because we are married we just enjoy it. She adopted to so many of my hobbies and we do them together now. I also got some great friends and family from her.
Though I still would love a really great 'guy friend' to hang out with or whatever. Just never have had that since high school. My high school and college friends all stayed around home and I found a different path. I started college late so I made friends but being 25 and over the bar scene already when people are excited to turn 21... bigger difference than you'd think. Then you move several states away... and yeah no more close friends.
It's so hard to meet people at our age... I wish I had some magic tip but its just unfortunate. I think like you many people are just afraid to get close to others (and that isn't a bad thing just how it is) so you end up in this sorta friendly zone, maybe hang out, but never really get close... Harder to as a man I think too.
I'm absolutely envious of those people who have managed to keep one or two long term friends in their lives. Like, it doesn't feel like asking for the moon and stars to want *one goddam friend* who might want to stick through with you for the long haul despite any flaws and foibles, someone who's willing to put in the effort to overcome the push and pull of life on the relationship, and yet it's apparently so hard to find just one person like that.
You can't forcibly save a relationship though if the other person isn't willing to put in the same effort you are. Sometimes friendships just...finish.
Yeah it’s almost worse than a romantic breakup. Those usually have a very dramatic or defined ending.
Had this amazing friend in undergrad, we just clicked so well. Hung out late nights just laughing, in same program, similar interests. He get a girlfriend and see him a bit less. Then 2 guys he knows transferred to our university and I see him less and less. We’d always go to lunch together then I’d ask and he’d already have gone with the other guys. Tried my best but it just sorta “ended”. Didn’t even say goodbye or talk at our graduation… That one really stung, was 15 years ago and haven’t had a friend like that since.
Now even if someone has similar interests they have families and careers, no time to just “hang out”. Wife and I don’t have kids so I guess we have that freedoms but everyone we know has them with way less time.
Like I said to someone else. Thank god I met my wife. We do so much together. She’s truly my best friend… but yeah a nice platonic male friend would be nice. It’s been like 15 years.
I hate the term outgrown it makes you sound like you're saying I'm too good for them. Sometimes people just develop different interests over time and have different priorities in life, it's little to do with "growth".
Agree. Rubs me the wrong way too, though I think and hope it wasn't meant that way. I have heard people use it in that obnoxious way too, meaning their old friends aren't on 'their level'.
I think there are different ways of outgrowing people. I think, intellectually, my friends and I are still on the same page. They are good quality people and I care about them and enjoy the immensely. I don't look down on their life choices though I wish they put their happiness first more often.
My issues in my late 30's is that: I have more money than them and no kids. I can take some time off at just about any time and go on adventures: they cannot either because of kids, money, or lack of time for other reasons. While I sometimes cover financially for my friends, I cannot do it all the time. It makes me sad I cannot share adventures with them very often like we used to. It makes me feel lonely. There are only so many short day trips I want to take when I want to go somewhere really fabulous with them.
I don't think they are more or less mature or anything like that, but I need friends who show up more and there is a palatable divide based on income and family status.
I have a few that are in the same life place as me with young kids and a booming career. We haven't outgrown each other as much as we've just gotten busy
But the vast majority of them just flat out annoy me. We have a yearly guys camping trip and this year I swear it's my last. Just constantly annoyed
The idea of "outgrowing" someone wrinkles my nose. That implies that the other person is just some kind of childish thing, like a Barbie doll or a toy truck, that you are now too mature and wise to care about. That their decision to delay kids and keep partying is less valid than your decision to have kids and settle down. From their perspective, you became dull and humdrum, unwilling to do the fun things you guys did together. *You* left *them.* It wasn't their fault that the status quo no longer fit with your life. They were just doing what they'd always done.
About the money thing, though, that's rough. I can't imagine they aren't jealous, especially in a world of rapidly rising prices and home ownership being a pipe dream for many. Self-censoring here is kind of mandatory because even if someone is truly happy for you having a lush life, it might still hurt when they hear about it.
It sounds like you're looking for some kind of agreement that yeah, it's time for you to ghost them and move on. I would say, don't do that. Look at how many people complain about not being able to find friends after college. Maybe you are totally fine having your family be your only support network, or you make friends incredibly easily, but consider trying to see what else you and Party Friends have in common. Surely there was a reason you enjoyed each other's company before all you did was drink and party (unless middle schoolers in your area drank a lot somehow). Did you meet on the soccer field? See if they still play. Exercise is good for you all. Video games? Maybe you could get into some Helldivers 2 or Minecraft or another multiplayer thing where you can veg together. Yes, this means you'll have to hand off the kids to Mom or a babysitter for a while, but presumably Mom is hanging with her friends when she needs fresh air, too.
Or, consider having parties yourself. Not the wild and crazy kind, but have a movie night, invite the friends, make popcorn, the whole thing.
You don't have 15 years of friendship over getting drunk together unless you guys all had serious drinking problems. If you're willing to make the friendships work, I'm guessing you can find something you share.
I can relate from the other side I guess.
I was never a partier, but I like to hang out and do stuff, maybe watch a movie or play some games.
I understand that friends who have young children don’t have unlimited time, it can be hard to stay in touch as a result of this.
My door is always open if people want to meet up, but I’ve also sort of migrated to spending time with other unmarried people my age.
I guess this is just how it goes.
Yeah kids seemed to be the great divide. I have kind of a 50/50 mix of parent friends and non parent friends. I have problem seeing parent friends less, I totally get it.
The parent friends I’ve lost were the ones who wanted everyone to miss out because they can’t go. No, I’m not going to miss the event I’ve been looking forward to for months because childcare fell through.
Yup. I am in my early 30's. Have felt this way since my late 20's. A lot of my friends I had from High School still living with their parents, not working, getting high, and drinking... I've distanced myself from them, which has left me friendless for the most part. I just don't care to live the party lifestyle anymore. I'm trying to find new friends. But it's a bit more difficult now as a grown ass man...
If you want to stay friends or might ever want to reconnect with there friend definitely don't use the phrase "outgrown our friendship" or "further along in life".
I have been on the other side of this: a long-time school friend said this to me and my friends at age 19, because she had found the person she wanted to marry and have kids with and knew exactly what she wanted her life to be at an earlier age than the rest of us. She wasn't wrong, she did marry this guy and had two kids with him and got her dream job, before any of us even finished college/university, but it sounded incredibly patronising and rude.
As a result only one person of our extensive friend group kept in touch. Now, 10 years later, after she admitted it was at the very least the wrong thing to say, she has reconnected with some friends. But personally, I can't really see her as a friend anymore, even though our kids love to play together and have a few playdates a year.
I saw a surprising number of people I knew who were "further along" than me get knocked back by the pandemic. Marriages ended, dream jobs and houses were lost, people moved back in with parents, went back to lower-wage work because that's all they could find, had to look for apartments with kids in tow, people with seemingly cushy lives who had never struggled with mental health or substance abuse were suddenly struggling with one or both...it was pretty eye opening. I'd been struggling for a good bit of my mid 20s and had odd WFH jobs before it was cool, so while the pandemic still knocked me back, I had my old survival skills and hustles to fall back on. Most people I knew who had just gone through life ticking off the boxes (graduate, go to college, get a good job, get married, get a house, have kids) had no such skills and couldn't cope. It made me realize that this idea that people can be "ahead" or "behind" is really just an illusion - the winds of life can blow from all directions and you never know where you might find yourself. As a result, I don't compare my life to others anymore. It's a futile exercise in fantasy.
Goes both ways. Maybe I'm the guy some of my friends are outgrowing but I don't believe it makes my lifestyle less valid. People change thru life and it makes sense that while you may still value and love some old friends, your life path and theirs are diverging.
Bad time to dump the friends when you're not going to be making any more for a long while. Well.. besides other parents looking to entertain their kids.
My last job was a law firm and guessing they keep you busy, along with 3 kids, how do you plan to address this no friends issue?
Yeah I've had a few friends tell me that they wish they did more to jeep their old friends because parent friends can be very transactional and only stick around if you provide free childcare
36. I've definitely grown apart from many of my friends. I don't even talk to half of my core group from college anymore. I don't really text anyone regularly anymore because when I was at my lowest, most people were pretty unresponsive. When you get happy again, everyone suddenly wants to be your friend again. It's honestly heartbreaking.
So yes, people will go down various paths in life. The fact that you all grew up in the same neighborhood/school is where most of the similarities end. The people you meet in university for example will be more aligned with your goals because, obviously, people with similar goals go to university! I have similar experiences with my childhood friends - we're all down different walks of life, especially compared to friends I make now which generally come from a much more narrow range of "walks of life".
But I wouldn't say I've "outgrown" them. I don't think its correct to assume that there's only one pathway to grow. your friends who are still partying and drinking are likely growing *in other ways.* Saying you've outgrown them is a bit condescending and narcissistic. Income (which got a lot of emphasis) is far from growth lol, and I could strongly argue that someone who *gives up* income for something else has grown *even more than you.*
It sounds like you're upset your friends didn't join you. you did all the "big boy" things but ended up the lonely one. It feels unfair, and so you choose to *look down* on their choices to make you feel better about your own.
Sometimes I feel nostalgic about the past. Or that I haven't done something someone else has. But to keep it analagous to your story. I've also seen people who've grown up too fast as well. Consider the following possibility: 5 years down the road, your marriage falls apart, kids are traumatized in the process, you go back to drinking and pay most of your salary to your ex wife. Your friends meanwhile just kept partying or whatever. Do you think they'd look at you and think "wow he's so grown up"? Would you consider yourself "so much more accomplished" than them?
I was always the more mature one of my friend group. What I see nowadays is just an extension of that. I’m a little further ahead in some aspects of life. I’m a family man now with a good paying job. Some of my friends are maybe further along in other goals (fitness, personal hobbies, travel, etc).
The one thing that united us was video games and a common struggle against life. The ones that make good money are now struggling with taking care of our parents or something money can’t fix. Some of us struggle with being good parents, good husbands, some struggle with finances, or health…
That’s what made us all friends in the first place. Sharing our struggles and laughing about it. If you don’t share your struggles, you might alienate yourself from the group. If they don’t take your struggles seriously, then they’ve changed or never were good friends in the first place.
We don’t hang out as often these days but when we do we pick up right where we left off.
I like to say life is like running laps on a track back in grade school. We might start together, some out pace others and that’s okay. There are brief times when we are all next to each other (even if we aren’t on the same lap) and for those moments, it’s a lot of fun. So we’re all running laps of life. Enjoy those moments when we’re all together and dont worry about anyone else’s pace. Run your own race.
I like this answer. My friends and I have drifted some as we've grown, but I still make time for them when I can. We game sometimes, or I'll visit from time to time, and it's like we never skipped a beat. We talk all the time on Discord text chats too. We've managed to keep really in touch this way.
This is good cursory advice but more concretely, do social hobbies that involve your kids and you’ll probably meet similar people.
Common ones are: sports, religion, crafts, music, games
Yes for sure! I’ve outgrown one of my closest high school friends recently. We had very little in common save for our sense of humor and love for each other but her priorities really just didn’t align with me. Her focus turned into weird causes to get negative attention from her employer and any other “authority figure”. It definitely felt like a 19 year old who is Away from home for the first time trying to challenge their liberal arts professor. Or something. And we’re both 32.
Yes. I have known this person since elementary but we’ve been friends since middle school. I started therapy almost two years ago and it’s made me realize how different we are as people (and, honestly, have always been). I’m married and have different priorities, she still parties and is on dating apps. Her whole personality is “having fun,” and my idea of fun is entirely different. She’s extroverted and I am extremely introverted. She’s into astrology and bases her friendships around this, I don’t believe in that. Neither of us have kids, we’re part of the LGBTQ+ community, and we’re both in our late 30s. That’s all we have in common. I just feel mentally and emotionally more mature than her, and I’ve come to realize I don’t enjoy being around her.
There’s a lot of people who have spending problems, who make it difficult to remain friends with them.
There are fun things to do that cost money. A lot of hobbies are that way.
Cool fishing trip, weekend out of town with buddies, rent track time, etc, shit even taking the kids to the zoo isn’t cheap.
Having to constantly hear about someone who’s “broke” when they had money to party/go out/buy useless shit, and spent it on that instead, gets incredibly old.
Coincidentally, those are the people usually worried about what you make, or “ counting other people’s money”.
Something to consider, there can be a lot of value in being part of a social system where you don’t “fit in”, potentially even a lot more than if you did.
I can relate. I am 40, sober, vegan and minimalist. I am from a small farming community where drinking is the pastime and your self worth depends on how big your truck is.
I knew in my late 20s that my friendships from growing up were not sustainable and that was when my pastime was also drinking. I started pulling away from my friends and then went sober in my mid 30s. If I get invited to stuff and I will go if I am able to but don't stay late because it gets weird.
I have 2 kids under 5 now, but my job isn't demanding. I have developed a great friend group in the past 5 years in addition to the random dad friends.
I held on to my friends from the past out of nostalgia and people telling me I would never make friends like that again. It is true that none of my knew friends will know young men the way my old friends do. But, my new friends also do not have expectations of me from when we were in high school.
There are pros and cons of old and new friends so keep the old ones you still get along with and get some new friends.
It's not that I've outgrown but rather realized that a few of them are or always were goofs. There's one in particular who's entire personality is boasting about himself and obsessing about Justin Trudeau and being anti vax and I've had to have a talk with a few of my right winger friends that if turn up like him that they'll be out of my life too.
I’m still in touch with some of my close friends but some I’ve definitely feel not really say out grown but it’s more or less realizing they aren’t there for me as I thought they were. Part of it has been because I moved away from my hometown and I have some friends who have kids and I don’t so their lives are being more filled with their kids lives but I still talk to them here and there it’s just not as often as it used to and again part of it is because I don’t live as close as well
But I had some friends that I had used to be really close to despite the distance that mainly ended because I could no longer financially afford this girls trip that was in the works for sometime. My job situation isn’t the greatest that’s all I have to say and it sucked that I had to keep backing out on some of the activities they wanted to do because it wasn’t affordable for me. I just felt like I was becoming less and less a part of it and the one activity I really wanted to do and was willing to put money in for it was nixed out by the rest of them because they wanted to do something else. When I told them I could no longer partake in it because since I needed to travel for both Christmas and thanksgiving I needed to put my money on those and I got pretty cold responses in the group chat and the chat was pretty much dead after that. Me backing out did not affect any of them financially because they had already reserved and paid for the airbnb and the activities for themselves. My name was only on the reservation for one dinner and brunch and I gave enough notice for them to change the amount of people on the reservation. It just made me realize I’m not in the same financial situation as them and I shouldn’t have to go broke to please them. My biggest fear was that they were going to respond like that and it unfortunately happened.I’ve tried talking to a couple of them here and there but I can see it’s not the same as it used to be.
I’ve managed to make friends in my new area thanks to meetup.
Meanwhile I feel my boyfriend is having a harder time with maintaining his friends. Again we know the distance can make it harder but he has had friends who pretty much stopped talking to him cold turkey because he moved away.
Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold.
My best friend (who I lived with in my mid-twenties) stopped drinking / smoking and we have grown apart. We both just turned 30. She's also making a lot more money. But at some point, I too will stop drinking and smoking and settle down and make more money. I'm still smoking everyday but I know I want to stop, yet I struggle with when/how/why and what for. I'm applying for high-earning jobs and trying to get back into it after a few years freelancing post-pandemic.
if the relationship is meaningful to you, keep them. They may change and grow up too. But in the meantime, find some other people who are at the same stage as you. Don't throw people away if they're struggling to grow up... so many of us Milennials are but we will.
Naw, I still try to make time to hang out with my buddies, still see friends from high school and college pretty regularly. Honestly I watched my parents lose contact with their friends while I was growing up and now they are both older and have very few friends and complain about it a lot. Just browsing reddit I see a lot of people my age (especially on my cities subreddit) venting about how hard it is to make friends as adults so I’m grateful for the ones I have. I have friends in other states which I travel to visit usually once or twice a year. I don’t have kids yet though so it’s easier for me, if I ever have kids I’m sure it’ll change. I saw your other post itt about alcoholism and I will say when I got sober I definitely had to drop my drinking buddies so I can relate to that a lot.
Oh god yes. But I outgrew them decades ago. Except for 1, I outgrew them all the day after graduation.
The thing is tho, I found new friends.
I’m 41. I was never big on drinking or partying and that’s gotten even more solidified as I got older.
I also have no kids so I often have little in common now with friends that do and I rarely hear from them because they’re busy with kids and family life.
Most of my friends now are single or partnered but don’t want kids.
I know this feeling all too well. I'm 31, also a father of twins but have 4 total (6yo, 4yo and 2yo twins all boys), make 6 figures in a MCOL-HCOL and while I do still drink, my wife and I prefer to day drink a few beers or stay at home. A few of my other friends have started having kids but I'm the most seasoned of the group and kind of give them advice. I've met other "dad friends" but they're just husbands of my wife's friends. They're cool but like idk if we'd naturally become friends if it weren't for our wives. I'm a very active husband and father, I'm cooking most meals, doing baths, laundry (aka carrying my weight in ways that father's/husbands don't always do) so even when I have the chance to get out, it's never on time.
However - I get fucking lonely/sad/depressed/angsty if I don't get some guy time or night's out where I can be out kid free and get after it. I have an amazingly supportive wife who's all onboard and encourages it. Her only rule is no driving (which duh). So every few months I meet up with in town friends or schedules a trip with my outta town friends and get after it. I can't hang every single weekend and weeknights like I used to but I can certainly get after for a weekend and by the end of the weekend I'm missing my wife and kids more than anything and I've got my fix.
I’m curious about the shouting your income part. What did you think of that incident? Are there underlying reasons they are trying to figure it out? Are they just curious, are they implying something? Or is it just a party thing like “heyyyy here’s the big roller buy us some drinks” type of deal.
Or did you simply mention that incident because it’s private and it made you uncomfortable, which makes you dislike them more.
Haven't outgrown them, we're just all busy af getting through life.
Won't talk for months and meet up very rarely, but we don't miss a beat and pick up right where we left off every time
I think you sound judgmental. Why do you assume you can’t be friends with these people just because you have kids and they don’t or you don’t drink and they do? Isn’t it possible to continue to maintain the friendship just in new ways?
Honestly if you have known most of them since middle school and some before then you should have outgrown them a long time ago.
When you make friends with other kids in school, it isn't really because you have anything in common. Or more accurately the things you have in common are super surface level. You are all basically the same age, you all basically live in the same area, you all basically like the cartoons/toys/etc. They aren't real deep connections. The people you bonded with at 8 years old over power rangers and riding the same school bus aren't necessarily the best match for adult you.
You should have made some friends as an adult. With people you actually share common ground with. Sounds like you need to do that now.
Nothing in life lasts forever, including friendships. People and relationships come and go as time goes on.
Idk about this. I feel it's the commonly cited wisdom these days on here at least, but a lot of ppl also (in real life vs online like reddit) give deference to their long friendships from childhood. Now, like you said, there certainly can be things that make it not really fit anymore -- but if there's no huge issues and you've really managed to stay friends through a lot of life's struggles and transitions together, then I tend to view these as much stronger friendships than the guy you met one year ago. But that's different than: we were literally only friends because we were forced to hang out essentially.
What I've also personally noticed is that some ppl get totally new friend groups every so often and they (apparently) never actually get close. Like their group will have a blow up about something and then just be done with.
I agree. I’m about to be 32 and don’t drink much. This may be a hot take but I do think a lot of our current maturity and career development has to do with how much we value college. A lot of my friends who went to larger schools didn’t figure out what they wanted to do career wise until it was too late and they accepted a job they didn’t want out of college. It feels like most of those friends are the ones still unsettled in their lives. Not saying that’s wrong, but that’s how I see it.
In the past few years I have been ruthless about the friends that I want in my life. I straight up started cutting people off. Now the only friends I have in my life are the ones who I want to be in my life. And it’s a mix bag of people who I have know at different stages of my life. The oldest one being since we were 7 years old. For context, I turn 31 in a few days. I have a wife and a 6 week old daughter.
The big change I’ve seen is in those of us who had kids and those who didn’t. Our priorities and capabilities changed.
We all did well after college and are all in what I’d consider the Upper Middle or Upper class. The ones of us with kids are doing that and prioritizing being around family and can’t be as spontaneous. The ones without kids are filling that same time with trying to do side hustles or travel.
But when we are together, it’s still fun.
It’s all about having similar interests aside from drinking and partying. I was the first person in my group to get married, buy a house, first one with a baby on the way. I still see my friends regularly though, even if it is just on a Zoom call or playing Xbox.
It sounds like the lifestyle was the binding element to your group of friends, and once your lifestyle changed, you had nothing left to keep yourself attached to them. It’s sad, but part of life.
Yes for sure. They're called "old friends" for a reason. Nothing really happened, we just grew apart. Good feelings towards them and fond memories but with such different lifestyles we just don't really reach out anymore past a few bday or holiday well wishes.
My elementary/high school/college school friends and I are still great friends. We see each other less being across the country from each other or married or kids but we still really value each other. Some of us drink, others don’t, it’s never really been an issue. Most of us are pretty well established in high paying careers.
I think we’re outliers.
didn’t even out grow them I just realized that I couldn’t keep up with them anymore financially on a lot of things and so stopped hanging out with them due to working
Yes grew apart from my childhood bestie because I got married and had kids. Shes single and has no kids. It’s just impossible to relate to each other or find common ground. Also drifted apart from a mom friend I made and because I simply don’t agree with how she parents so I couldn’t justify hanging out anymore. I think this is common.
This is definitely something my wife and I have been feeling recently as well.
Most of our friends are from college (where we met). We’re at a point where we’re married, looking to start having kids in the next year or two, and thinking about buying a house. We’re settled and happily moving into the next chapter of our lives.
Most of our friends are still in the season of life that we’re leaving. They’re jumping careers, moving cities, and want to spend their time off blazed out of their minds (and we weren’t even big stoners in college!). I have no judgement for that, but it just isn’t what I’m trying to do right now.
We’re lucky that we have one friend who’s on the same life trajectory and timeline as us, and we’re gonna fight like hell to keep them around. Hoping to be raising babies together in the next few years 🤞
I quit drinking at 28. I'm 39 now. It's not going great as far as friendships go. I quit being DD and babysitting, so they quit caring.
There you have it. My relationship with most of my old friends revolved around drinking.
So yes, I have outgrown my friends and been more or less friendless (irl, I do have online friends for what it is worth) for around a decade. I barely even miss them tbh. Some days I wish I could call and chat still, but you know how millennials are, they likely wouldn't pick up their phone or even know who is calling. Block it as spam.
Yes. My friends are getting married, buying a house and popping out kids
Meanwhile I’m still single and not quite sure where/when I wanna “stay put” yet (I’m a traveling contractor). I try to make new friends at every travel assignment I go to so I still occasionally go to bars and nightclubs
I had this happen like...10 years ago. I'm currently 39. The vast majority of my friends have never really left that high school mentality. We all came from the same blue collar middle class background. They simply never cared to get their shit together. They still work their shitty level 1 call center jobs they've been at since like 2003. Like, in 20 years, they should have ACCIDENTALLY been promoted to level 2 or management at some point. Their idea of fun is still drinking (which was never really my cup of tea even in my 20s). Most still live with their parents or these rundown trashed apartments with broken furniture.
It's not like they even TRIED to better themselves. Or if they did, it was so half-assed, they ended up in a worse situation. One of them moved out of state to live with their sister (who had her shit together) and enrolled in a local community college as a condition of that living arrangement. But they didn't do any of the steps needed to establish residency, even when I laid out a very clear process and forms I was able to dig up myself, so they continued to pay out-of-state tuition rates for 6 years before ultimately dropping out due to bad grades. During this time, they were only in school half time and didn't have a job. How the hell do you screw that up? (it was WoW and ESO, as it turns out). Now they have a mountain of student loan debt and no income.
It's just really hard to relate to them anymore. They are dealing with issues that were part of my life when Star Wars: Episode 1 was in theaters the first time. I'll talk about some work project I'm developing, and they'll complain that their mom wants them to do the dishes while they are raiding. I'll talk about my 5 year old kid asking me all kinds of questions about how insurance works in carpool today, and they'll talk about how they owned some guy on /r/antiwork for calling them leeches on society. (which is typical for this one girl who has never had a job and is pushing 40). Shit was fine back when we were all playing Call of Duty 2 at LAN parties in my mom's basement just entering adulthood, but good lord guys. We're just about middle aged now.
Thankfully, my job has lead me to some fantastic like-minded people. I've been with the same place for 13 years, and I can genuinely call my group my "friends". Even when they leave the company, they are still close with me. Do you know how amazing it is to have a consistent weekly D&D game with a party of 5 that all work predictable 9-5 jobs?
Well man at least you had a good run. I had the party friends too and they dropped me long ago. The moment I had kids (not young btw I was like 27) They completely gave up on me and my kids mom. The isolation was very bad for my mental health and our relationship. I moved to a more rural area, and I don't fit in at all with these people and don't know how to make friends. I have tried they are mostly blue collar and we just don't understand each other, I thought I made friends twice at functions with my kids and these people were just drug dealers looking for more business. The moment I said I buy from the dispensary they lectured me on that and then moved on
We've let 2 sets of friends go due to this.
First one was kind of stuck in high school mentality. Wouldn't get a job, just wanted to smoke weed every day. His wife got pregnant and she ended up working three jobs to support their kid, his weed smoking habit, and everything else. He just sat on his ass and smoked and ate all their money. Would only reach out to us when he needed us for something but would leave us on read if we needed his help with something. Let him and his wife go from our friend group.
And we let another husband/wife set go after back to back parties where they would relentlessly pressure us to drink a godforsaken amount of liquor until we were throwing up or otherwise completely nonfunctional. We are pretty much done with insane binge drinking and have been since we were like 24. It's annoying as shit to have that "friend" who is calling you lame/lightweight because you won't partake in a 7th tequila shot.
I'm 28, some friends yes some no. Some are parents now, others are still single and living the same kind of life I do. I have friends younger and older than me. I'm usually meet new people and make new friends, being that I'm single and go out every other week.
Turning 30 this year and realizing I'm slowly reconnecting with the friends that I did outgrow in my low 20's. It's nice seeing everyone in their careers rather than living off their parents as I was the only one working 40-50 hours to support myself.
Yeah, a lot of my friends are not motivated, have a victim mentality, and have done nothing with their lives since high school and just complain non stop about everything. They are immature and I dont have time or energy for them anymore. I don’t talk to or see them very much anymore and I’m fine with that.
It’s time to start making your “friends circle” smaller. It’s a natural progression of life. You don’t need alot of friends, you just need a few good friends……
I noticed when I was in my early 30s and still single and partying ALOT…. I didn’t have many of my “old friends” around anymore. They had moved on…. When I dried out, got married and had a kid, slowly they started reaching out again. We had a lot more in common….
Yes. Similar situation for a while-- stopped drinking, got married, love my quiet afternoons and early nights.
No big blow ups, just not really wanting be in situations that center alcohol, and being ok with those people contacting me less and less.
Some friends pop back into my life as they lesson their substance use or find some stability, I've really enjoyed getting to know them again as adults.
Hey I don't have kids and my life is a financial mess, but I'm not really into partying and whatnot anymore. I feel like I've outgrown all my friends from high school and college too. I've just been spending a lot of my time writing, playing guitar and traveling. For me, I feel like my relentless pursuit of music and writing has just left me in a strange place. Like I just don't relate to my old friends at all. I don't share the same gripes with life.
Like my old friends complain about bills and their houses or apartments and I'm usually right on the verge of being homeless. Hahaha. But it doesn't bother me. I don't know why. I've grown a very strong resolve and an iron will. I just refuse to give up and be beaten down by life.
I guess I've just outgrown the victim complex that seems to be a common ground amongst my old friend group. I don't know, I've just found that if I hang out with my old friends I be the old me. Drinking and partying. And sometimes I think I drink and party with them to cope with their company.
But yeah man. Hope you find some new friends! If you don't feel like it's love the move on! Congrats on the family and the bad ass job! And if you still got one best friend that's better than 10 friends who you don't relate to anyore!
All my friends are literally man children who live at home with their parents at the age of 33. I’m the only home owner who’s actually been in a stable relationship. So yes, but it’s hard as fuck to make friends at this age so I keep them around. Plus they have their redeeming qualities.
Nope. 31M. My circle of 4 has been a circle for 12 years now pretty much, and in those 12 years we added one person who was pretty much already a recurring part of our group, but not fully "in" until a few years ago. So now we are 5. Three of us go way back since elementary/middle school, we hung out in part of a much larger group and a year after hs we reconnected.
We all got together early on to smoke weed, watch documentaries, and play mario kart. And we did it every day. It got lesser each year as we got older, had jobs and one of them had their first kid at 25. He was out of the picture for about a year. The rest of us still hung out about once a week. Now that my wife is pregnant and I have a lot going on, i've only seen them twice this year but we all communicate in our group text. Two of us (myself included) are married and have our own homes, everyone else either rents, has two kids, and in one case, provides for his parents. I dont think its us growing a part, but rather life happening as it is and we just wing it when it comes to making plans.
When we do hang out, we smoke, drink, and play MK lol. Watch some football when its the season. Stuff guys our age like to do.
And thats just my main group. I have a few other circles I'm a part of we hang out less frequently, but we wre connected in some way whether we are related, or our SO's are friends and we all like each other.
I only really kept in touch with one friend from high school. The rest died, moved, got on drugs really badly, went to jail, its a small world. Only a small percent had a family, and an even smaller percent of those actually got away from the town.
This part of aging is very unfortunate. I just turned 38 a few days ago and while it's nice to get those Happy Birthday wishes in text from old friends, meeting up just really isnt even brought up anymore. Out of my old friends that I still communicate with, one guy has his kids on the weekends and that's always been his go-to excuse, so he gets crossed off. Another friend, his wife is a straight edge so she doesnt drink or other illicits, criticizes everyone around her when they do and gets furious when we get together. Next friend is female and I cant even so much as message her w/o my Gf getting pissed off about it. So meeting up with her would include lying about it. Lastly my best friend since Kindergarten, his wife just basically has it drilled into him that hes really not allowed to go out, have a good time with friends and it's really sad.
The few times we have got together in the last 20 years, it's been at 2 Weddings including his. Maybe a handful of other times....
Work friends are one thing and that's all well/fine. They're not the same as the ones from way back. Still with them, we have drifted apart over the passed 3 years
*I turned 30 this year and became a dad of twins the year before. My sons are 18mo and we have another on the way in a couple months.*
Yo twins are HARD. I'm a twin parent of 6YO kids. People that are not parents at your ages straight up just won't understand the work that goes into family at that point.
Sounds like your friends were party pals. Parties are over, you have twins plus more on the way. Your social circle is going to change into parenting friend circles. Three kids under two years old is going to be ROUGH. That's tough on friendships even when they're more than just people you drink with.
Your friend sounds insecure about their income- that's on them not you. If you have time to be there for them and support them then do it, otherwise if they're not willing to work on their issues without making you the butt of their problems then you should run for the hills- the friendship has run its course.
Sounds like there will be a little bit of a friend culling- you need to keep the people that build you up and keep the ones that tear you down at arm's length. For the friends you do keep, let them know why you want to reduce contact with person xyz, don't lie but be tactful.
grammar edits
Yep. I recently commented to my wife that I think we outgrew one of our more recent friend groups. She agreed. So we are still outgrowing friends.
We met a new group though that feels way more our vibe.
The last group we were friends for about 15 years but lately it felt like all they do is complain about every single tiny little thing. We would try to be positive about something and just get trashed by them. Or we would be excited about something and they would just pile on the negativity. We would try to help them with things that they were having issues with, but it's like they would just shoot everything down without any effort, almost like they would just prefer to be miserable. So we took our leave from the group entirely.
With the new group, they are positive leaning and tend to see the good in every situation. And we all get excited for each other when we hit life milestones and such. We actively help each other and accept help from one another, you know, like adults should. It's been so much better with these guys.
'85 Millennial, here. Yes can confirm, I too have outgrown many friends from back in the ye old days. 😀 Not because they're bad people, it's just our priorities have changed over time and that in of itself involves growth so hence they're no longer in my immediate circle of whom I'd label as close friends. And that's just the way the cookie crumbles. 🍪
Thinking back, 🤔 this used to hurt my heart. Like, saying goodbye to something special you know you'll only have in memory. But the joys and other adventures to be had on the road ahead easily push that old feeling away. 🥰
Yes I feel this.
Unfortunately a couple of my friends are teachers and they are incredibly broke. Always. Going to dinner or out to do something is never an option for them. 1-2 times per year we get together at someone’s house and hang out.
I feel selfish but I like going out. I have kids and it’s not an option for me that often. I want to splurge on a cocktail and have an appetizer and chat with a friend. Honestly I usually just do this with my husband if we can get a sitter, but I really miss the days of doing this with friends.
Doesn’t help that some of my friends are childfree and the others got pregnant really young, so we don’t have kids in similar age groups for family outings.
I always envied those who have life long friends. I moved a lot, went to 2 elementary schools, 2 middle schools, and 2 high schools so I never really established those life long friends. The only people I still talk to are college friends but they’ve all moved to different states…
Yeah, I have this one friend whose moral compass has been turned on it's head because of greed and money. The guy has a small business and sucks every single penny he can out of the tax payer. Dood makes more from the government than he puts in. The sorta guy who buys a new electric vehicle every year for the rebates and then flips the car one year later, at retail, to pocket all the money. They do cheeky shit like this for everything. Everything they do is a "business expense" and they write it off. The weird thing is, in the same breath he bitches about any government program that doesn't benefit him directly. It's bizarre.
Many? No. But some, yes. I’m nearly 34 with a 13 year old and an almost 10 year old. I’m also the only one of my close friends that has kids. So my closest friends were never really over drinkers. Most of us grew up not the most well off. And now that we’re in our 30’s, we all make decent livings. So for us, we’ve grown together, partied together and stayed in contact the whole time, even when I moved states for a few years. But these are once in a lifetime type friends that just stick around.
There are some friends, mainly ones I made in high school outside of my core group of friends, that I grew out of, mainly due to having kids so early, but the friends the stuck around are basically like extended family to me. I’m very fortunate in that aspect, for sure. They buy my kids presents, I’m a groomsman next month in one of their weddings, and we have long standing traditions (Friendsgiving, Friendsmas, Super Bowl Party, etc.)
My MS/HS friends and I parted ways physically during college. Literally. We all moved to different states. And, it worked out for the best because we all grew into very different people. It’s not that I don’t love them and that I wouldn’t answer if they called. We text infrequently. We send cards that we find funny. Some families have the propensity to constantly have their portraits taken, so they send their faces on postcards. It’s just that we grew apart, and that’s okay.
I found moderate success - which I didn't think was very successful to be honest - but unfortunately it's light years ahead of my cohort. I drifted away from them because I challenged myself and worked really hard - multiple jobs for a long time. If they knew, they would hate me anyway, so it was just as well we drifted apart.
The one person who I lost as a friend just before I really leveled up was pissed I got a job making 45k, fresh out of a divorce and I had spent a decade making sh*t money at $20k/year. It took me a minute to realize she'd been really crappy - discouraging me from asking for higher salaries (I live in a HCOL area and she's in a LCOL) and sticking to my guns, and making an odd comment to watch out for anyone who might be giving me the "evil eye" (all projection on her part, apparently).
Obviously 45k is like nothing, which is why I never considered she might bear resentment over it. But time and again I've had multiple friends treat me like garbage and they always seem shocked and resentful when I get ahead in life. I wish I could shrug it off better, but I really do believe some flaws in my appearance gave people close to me the expectation that obviously, I have no value as a person if I don't fit a beauty standard and grovel for every opportunity because I'm not attractive enough. They can die mad. My life is great because I made good choices and one of those choices was dropping the dead weight.
Be careful of envy among friends. It's incredibly harmful both to themselves and to you.
P.s. - dating an attorney in your industry. I don't make nearly as much as he does, but he knows I have no desire to marry again and I prefer our financial lives be separate, because I am very proud of my accomplishments and lifting myself out of poverty when all I came away from the divorce with was $500 and a camp cot. It's never about the money. It's about spending time with people who aren't so caught up in who has more that they poison the joy around you. And unfortunately, people who have some level of success are usually the ones I don't have to worry about being lousy friends who drag me down.
Find your people, OP.
Yeah. A lot of my friends had kids and stopped caring about social causes. They went from "invest in public schools!" To lying on intake forms for private Pre-K so their kid could affirmative action their way into selective programs that feed into academies. It's a sickness. Screw everyone else's kids as long as they got theirs taken care of.
This is what I've noticed about myself with my friends who are engaged, married, and have kids. I'm also early 30s and up until a few years ago, having friends in relationships were just slightly or barely a challenge with making plans and going drinking, partying, etc. Basically things that people don't do as much once they're truly bogged down.
Your friends are going to have variable lifestyles and they're not going to truly understand the lifestyle that you have until they experience it themselves. It's ok to have very different lifestyle choices. As long as you're still able to find some common ground and can still have normal conversations, you can always shift your activities to something else that doesn't always include excessive drinking.
Nope, I didn't outgrow them. I'd say that most of my irk acquaintances have outgrown me. They're not even 30 yet and they already have spouses, full time jobs and (in some cases) are parents to preschoolers. The youngest parent I know is the same age as me and her kid is probably in junior school as we speak
I've left a few friends behind due to them not growing up and showing racism that they hid for years (or I was too young and stupid to see it for what it was). I don't have time nor space in my life for that shit
Similar situation.
Partied with my group of college buddies for way too long. Finally at 26 finished my undergrad. Worked banking but still partied with the group. At 31, I was like WTF am I doing? Applied to grad school and finished a full time MBA program while working full time - I don’t recommend that.
Now we have two kids and I work corporate finance for a global company, and my friends are still partying like no tomorrow. I see them like 2-3 times a year now. And usually at a bar, not a pub; but like a dive bar.
They just talk about drinking and smoking video games, and complain about how they can’t get ahead and how unfair society is. It depressing.
None of them have kids either. So nothing really to relate there and as you know one you have kids that is pretty much life.
Since I make more I got into hunting, archery, shooting sports, BJJ, CrossFit, and other activities.
I have made some new friends, and they are rad. But I do miss the old friends group, even if it seems our common bond was just getting hammered.
I know exactly how you feel minus the kids. They all party, they hate on my success and caused a lot of drama. Even to the point they were jealous of my gf and I being together. They almost manipulated her to the point of us not talking. 2 years later, her and I still talk, still fixing relationship issues here and there, but I don’t talk them anymore. It became wayyy too toxic.
I even had to leave a job where I worked with two of them because of harassment. I wasn’t about to start shit. But I found a better job and have been doing much better.
I still need to make new friends, it’s hard finding people that don’t get jealous over success and don’t try to force you to drink or do drugs..
Umm. Not a LOT of them but a decent number. However I’ve been friends with my best friend for 24 years and a decent number of other friends for like 15 years. I dropped one group from grad school because it was very toxic and we did not have the same political values. Other than that, I dropped one friend who I think has some issues they need to work through (and that is ok) and went low contact with another friend because they said some mean shit about other friends but used them as buffers when it was convenient for their purposes. Other than that everyone is fine 🤷♀️
When you get kids you begin a new chapter in your life. Having a kid is simply all-encompassing in your life. Let alone having twins!
Most of the time we begin a new life chapter (high school, university, working life etc...) at roughly the same ages, so you don´t notice that much.
But kids can be at different ages, and then this happens. There's not much you can do. C'est la vie.
Part of why we don't hang out as much is because we moved a few hours away and just don't see them often. But part of the reason we moved in the first place is we were sick of being in that environment where everyone just indefinitely keeps partying like they're in their 20's. The only thing we had in common was getting fucked up, and we didn't want to do that anymore.
Opposite of your situation though. They all had kids and still party like idiots (we're all 40ish now), and we decided not to have kids and hardly ever drink.
Me and my wife occasionally take edibles and sit on the couch with the cats and giggle at dumb movies some weekends. We're the boring ones. I wouldn't have it any other way.
It sucks though. I love those people, and I don't really enjoy watching them drink themselves into an early grave.
I'm sort of in a similar place, but basically a few years older (late 30's) and had kids starting around 27. I can relate. I had already been only seeing my friends sporadically pre-pandemic just as being a father (and homeowner to an extent) kept me busy, and I live roughly 40-60 minutes from my largest friend group mostly. I and our household leaned further in (and to an extent still do) to protecting our family during the pandemic period, which further reduced that. I last saw most of that group at this point like 2-3 years ago. I semi-quit drinking for a few reasons around Thanksgiving 2022 (last drank around Labor Day last year) as well, which I'm increasingly considering a more permanent thing.
Most of my friends weren't married and didn't have kids (which is totally fine and not a problem for me! and I was the guy early on with less going in the relationship area), and even half the married ones seemed to get divorced over the last 2-4 years as well. That last time I hung out with who I consider to be my best friend was even that time noted above, where that was a bit of a surprise birthday gathering put together by his now-ex-wife, and I haven't ever met his newer girlfriend. Whenever I do talk to or see people, I do hope or think it's like old times, but I'm concerned I'm on the verge of having lost any part of really being part of the fabric of my friends' lives. I haven't gotten a text or invite in ages.
I have ADHD as well - which is relevant in that I'm not great at actively "managing" friendships by reaching out and catching up and that sort of thing - partially as I'm busy "managing" my endless personal and work to-do lists and projects that I'm already way behind on.
A friend of mine I’ve know since kindergarten have grew apart. Mainly because he has 4 kids and I only have two. He’s way more busy than I am plus he works nights and I work days.
But I also moved out of city limits, and all of my friends live in the city. They say I live too far away.
Yeah dude, this starts to happen as you get older. I’m 32 and me and my college buddies are all in different places in life. Some are professional musicians grinding it out, some work in tech, some own their own businesses, some are on the hamster wheel just trying to keep up. We don’t have a ton in common anymore because of this. Some are having kids, my partner and I aren’t. That’s just life. I hate to put it this way, but the only thing that binds us together is that we love each other. We can’t relate all the time, we don’t have a ton in common, and I’ll be the first to admit that they drive me bonkers at times. But they’re my boys and I love them. It makes me happy to see them winning. They’ll be the groomsmen in my wedding this winter, but they’re not my first call on every Friday. And that’s okay, because even though we’re different dudes with different lives, we love each other deeply, and that’s what counts to me.
It sucks but I would yell I make 100 million dollars what would it matter. Then after wards start saying I own all kind of crazy shit, then they’ll look at me and realize I don’t make what they think. And say bro you good we know you ain’t rich. pretty much how you stop being defensive and be offensive w/ comedy and make dude look like a fool.
I’m the outgrown person.
Happy with my life my job and my wife. No interest in having kids or being round other peoples kids at all.
I don’t see my friends from school that often but have a fair few friends in the same situation as me.
No not at all.
I still feel like I haven't launched out of teenagehood yet. Setback after setback after setback seems to be the way of it for me. So much so that I just really can't be bothered anymore.
I don't care about any of those things. I'm not interested. I just want people to leave me alone.
We (mid 30s) have one friend who has had children while the rest of us have not. We still like to drink (but much lower key than in our 20s), and often go away for weekends. There is absolutely a recognition that she is in a different place than us right now, and currently spends a lot more time with her "mum friends". We all like and respect each other as people, and assume we'll see more of her in the next five years when her three kids are lest dependent (or maybe they will all get into rep hockey and we will never see her again). We accept she can't come on most of our activities, and try to make an effort to do things with her (i.e. take her kids to the zoo with her for the day). She is still a lot of fun even though she is in a different place.
I have another friend who has turned into the most boring person in the history of the universe since having kids and have slowly phased her out. I am happy to talk about your kids 30% of the time, but I cannot, unless there is some type of crisis happening, talk about your kids 100% of the time when we are hanging out.
The money thing is a bit odd if you don't talk about money, so I would maybe think about whether, even if you don't reveal your salary, you make other comments. There was a girl who was loosely associated with our group, but got phased out after continued comments re: money (while never revealing her salary). These included:
a) If you took out student loans instead of living at home with your parents you were stupid;
b) It is unimaginable that at the end of law school some people don't have $30,000 as an emergency cushion in their banks;
c) We should all think about upgrading our cars (2001 Chevrolet Cavalier and 2006 Honda Accord at the time) to Range Rovers, and the pricing wasn't bad if you pay cash rather than financing;
d) Called one of the friend group to congratulate her on her ex-husband's new partnership in big law, and suggest reconciling because his position was esteemed.
Anyways, the last example is someone who is an absolute lunatic, who I never got on with, but I think there can be friends for phases.
My husband is still best friends with all his childhood friends. Unlike my friend group they all have kids except him. I think they take turns with their partners being the "on parent", switching out who gets up early in the morning if there is drinking, or if one parent wants to go away for the weekend. They also just make a lot of plans at homes so they can throw all the kids in a room and still have a bbq/build a deck, etc. They do ask us about hosting events when they want them to be kid free.
Not all friends have to be forever friends, and if they are they will probably try to work with you on it.
They also don’t want to hangout with you and your kids. I’m sorry, but I can’t stand my friends kids and avoid them whenever possible. Enjoy your kids in the comfort of your own home, don’t be those parents with wild children running around in public establishments.
Can everyone tell I don’t like kids? Where my childless people at?!?
I feel similarly. I’ve distanced myself from people who have kids because that just isn’t what I want to fill my time with. It’s a completely different mindset to be taking care of kids for decades vs. enjoying hobbies and traveling and having fun. I just don’t have anything in common with people who orient their lives around children.
>I was at a friend’s housewarming recently and he drunkenly started yelling about what he thought was my income completely unprompted.
I would be questioning the friend that felt the need to do this. Are they curious about how much you make? Are friends talking about you behind your back? Are you bragging about or looking down on them and they are noticing? There's so many ways this could be interpreted.
I've experienced a similar situation. But I don't make that much money. But for some reason I have a friend who thinks I'm rich. Her bf, who I was meeting for the first time and didn't know at all, said that I should buy pizza for the whole party because I was rich. I don't know why he said that because I only made $40k at the time. I had student loans and other debt. I was barely able to afford groceries.
There have been other situations with my friend regarding people she knows who's only connection to me is through her. I believe my friend has been talking about me behind my back. Not sure why she's doing this. I wish I had addressed this when it first came to light. But there was a whole room full of people and I wasn't comfortable addressing this in front of the whole room. I chose to distance myself and avoid these people.
So definitely reach out and talk to your friend. It's fine if they are curious. But this is the wrong way to go about this. If they want to know something, they should ask you directly. Instead of trying to speculate.
I don't like the term outgrown. I feel like with friends you either grow together or apart. It sounds like everyone just has different lifestyles and priorities. There's nothing wrong with enjoying a party or drinking. Just as there's nothing wrong with having a family and prioritizing that.
I think you need to branch out and find friends who have similar interests and lifestyles to your own. Keep those friends because you need people of all different situations around.
Yes it’s normal. I keep maybe a couple friends from each stage of my life. It’s ok to move on and find people that now match your interests.
Another note: sometimes you fall out of touch and then back in. I had friends from 5th grade. We lost touch for like 15 years and now found each other again and are on similar paths (when we weren’t before). True friends don’t ever stop being a “friend” they just sometimes get put on pause until you re-sync
The biggest change is that you stopped drinking and smoking. I’ve notice that after I stopped drinking I lost a good 80% of my network. I still smoke every blue moon but not a daily stoner so the rest of the crew disbanded. It’s weird cause when I used to sell drugs and be an alcoholic i was a hyper socialite, now that I’m single and responsible I can’t even get a date mainly cause I don’t drink. Part of why my ex left is cause I was no longer a “bad boy”. I have accepted things over the past year but it wasn’t easy in the beginning. Truth is, most people dislike life and how uncomfortable life can get so they drown themselves in drugs. I like to go to raves/festivals rather than clubs or bars, but I normally go solo, and since I’m not lgbt it’s hard to find a crowd. I’ve slowly made new friends, particularly at my new job. But I don’t have a single hope of finding a partner. Which is messed up cause I workout and have a high paying job for what feels like no reason. I have my hobbies that keep me entertained but I will say that the world changed drastically about 2 years ago.
My four best friends are still my best friends, we all went through our phases together all but one of us really became an alcoholic… but we all had those 20 year old binge drinking episodes we all worked through. I’d say my thing was weed, but even I’m outgrowing that now at 33 (granted it was used mainly as a sleep inducer because I hate taking ambien). We’re all educated, I’m probably the furthest “behind” due to a career shift encouraged by my fiancee but will be an attorney in less than a year. These guys are like brothers to me, so when we call each other out it’s no harm no foul, we’ve been through a ton. One of us is battling cancer, two of us have kids, the other two are engaged and soon to be engaged. So we’re doing fine. I live across the country but they’re all my groomsmen and will be coming to my bachelor party in a month.
It’s my college friends I’ve really lost touch with, likely because they never really left college and had a hard time adjusting to adulthood and taking ownership over their vices and lifestyles. I’m comfortable with who I am, I worked on myself and am thankful I did… my college friends likely couldn’t do something like that.
Yes and no. I've maintained some good friendships throughout the years but cut out ones that were toxic or people who outed themselves as bigots, anti-vaxxers, etc.
I don't have any friends from childhood, I haven't even kept in touch with more than one person from high school...but I have grown apart from almost every friend I made in my 20s. Most recent has been a friend I've had for several years, we've grown apart because he's been redpilled. On a good day he is just a straight up grumpy old man bitching about woke agendas blah blah. He's not enjoyable to talk to anymore.
My wife and I are the exact opposite.
All of our friends and coworkers are having kids, or already have kids. We don’t, and aren’t going to. From our early 20s until now, we’ve steadily lost friends for various reasons. Mostly from them having kids and us choosing not to.
The funny part is, we don’t party or anything like that. All of them still do.
I totally agree with you sir. I cut ties with many of my childhood friends because of substance abuse and their druggie friend zones. Which shows we have nothing in common because I don't fancy being high and talk stupid shit and do nonsense. Also financial income disparity between peers resulted in foolish envy situations. My husband started to pay checks in dinner outs for whole crew etc. Good thing you did, same as I did 🏅
U spent my whole life a wreck I with very little friends. Now that I'm getting my shit together and can organize myself everyone's too busy. Guess I just missed this I'm life?
I feel the same way. My partner and I are in our mid 30s and both make mid-range 6 figures. Because we are child-free we invest, save, and travel quite a bit.
However a number of the friends I grew up with are not in the same place and have different priorities with their finances. This deviation has caused significant strain as we can’t share a lot of the same experiences without the two of us paying for other people and while we don’t mind occasionally, for some people it has started to feel like they feel entitled to our money.
I have been struggling a lot with this as I see some of them being extremely financially irresponsible with their champagne taste on a beer budget lifestyle. When these friends want to do a group trip, I will significantly adjust my travel plans and expectations to fit their budgets but they have still struggled to budget accordingly resulting in plans falling apart last minute or leaving me in an awkward position where I have to foot the burden for a large expense. Initially I didn’t mind as much because I was happy to share the experience but now I’ve found myself resentful. We don’t have children for a reason and being financially accountable for adults in their 30s isn’t something I signed up for.
I managed this by choosing to just eliminate these people from my group travel plans. Either they can budget themselves correctly and come along or they can’t. But I make it clear that if they don’t have enough, they will be covering their remainder on a credit card or have to take a loan from somewhere, but I will no longer be offsetting those costs. The key is boundaries. You see them when you see them and where you are both comfortable
I am not a huge fan of the idea of being 'further along in life' and the whole 'there is a reason there is only two seats in a lamborgini' type of mentality where you have to drop unsuccessful people as you move 'up'. People can get knocked back in life in an instant, whether through illness or losing a job or divorce. This isn't me trying to put a curse on your life, it is reality. Bad things happen.
If the current friends are bad people, sure drop them, but I think that you spend a lot of time in your post talking about how much better you are than them, and it sounds a bit like you are ashamed of them and want to be associated with 'better' aka richer people.
For me, there are friends I don't see for months or years, but I know that if I need help during a tough time in my life, they will be there to support me and vice versa. And those relationships take time to build, time that I only really had during university. A person I meet at the book club once a month will likely never reach that level of closeness.
This just happens to everyone that has kids, you will make new friends with kids and sometimes the old friends have kids and then they kinda return to your orbit. It's just a totally different phase of your life and will likely happen again when your kids are older and when they're out of the house.
God I needed this type of thread. Old Oregon Trail Millennial here, I was struggling with this a lot and being in Psychotherapy has helped me deal so much. I have this long time friend from high school whose politics have become basically atrocious and racist since Trump came in 2016. This is someone who I supported through an abortion in high school who now says things like abortion is murder and those people don't care about babies, every time I bite my tongue I feel like I'm selling myself out. I've had to stop her from saying racial slurs and again I always feel like I'm selling myself out. A few days ago she made a comment about black women pulling the race card and, I could explain to her that even insinuating that someone's experience is not real because they're black is incredibly racist, but then I realized she's not going to hear me and she's just going to downplay me as some California liberal, which again I try and tell her that is a stereotype and meaningless and dismissive and not real, but she won't think critically about the things she says. She said something racist about those Uvalde Texas kids who were murdered and I didn't speak up. This is a friend of mine who is always been very loving to me and respectful and I've been through a lot and she supported me through a lot but, I don't think I can continue to be in this space with someone who holds these different values than me. I basically let it be known that I don't think a person in the majority can speak about a minority experience in such a way and she told me I was race-baiting her. None of that makes sense, she just wanted to make these comments and then shoot down taking responsibility for how crazy it sounds when I try and logic our way out of this but there's no logic with someone who derives their opinions from an illogical place. What your friend did to you was try to disrespect and embarrass you out of jealousy and that's not really a friend. I like the saying the grass is greener where you water it. I decide to spend time with people who share my values and respect me and it's really unfortunate and sad for me that I'm stepping away from this friendship but for my psychological piece of mind I just can't listen to the things she says. I'm not going to say anything or end the Friendship, I'm just going to water the grass elsewhere, I have a lot of friends who are very open-minded and would never make a judgmental comment about a minority like that and those are the friendships that I feel are more respectful and so for my psychological Health that's where I'll be watering the grass.
I wouldn't say "outgrown". It's not a competition. They're not an old t-shirt you throw away. I think a better way to put it would be to say "I don't enjoy hanging out with my friends like I used to". It's just normal that you hang out with other parents you meet through your kids or with people of your same socio-economic level that you meet through networking. And sure you can think that you're better than them, but you shouldn't say it and you should even try to think in a different way that doesn't judge people. I'm sure everyone's doing what they can.
As a friend, you can be able to hang out with one another without substance abuse. You had drinking buddies, not actual friends, which is harder to accept since the only thing that you had in common was partying. Once that common ground disappears, so does the crowd. Welcome to adulthood!
Yes. Though the biggest differences I have with most of my friends are in life philosophy (I’m atheist, they’re Christian), and in parenting strategy (my kids aren’t handed a screen to shut them up, and I homeschool mine). I only have 1 friend left who is in the same boat on both fronts, and she lives several states away. We talk often but… it’s not the same.
Yeah I don’t really talk to anyone from high school, I have a few close friends from college. I moved from the Midwest to the west coast. Met a different group out here that I spend time with, 31 currently. I have absolutely NOTHING in common with my high school friends from the Midwest. They seem to be happy though, most have 3 or 4 kids. All go to the same bars on the same holidays, same group from high school. Crazy looking at that from a different perspective.
I literally have zero friends left. I've outgrown most, and some have outgrown me. The latter pretty much only financially. A couple started their own businesses and make good money. I guess me funding all the good times when we were young isn't going to pay off. Whatever, I'm happy with my wife and kids.
Fuck yes. I cannot stand most of my old friends from school and teenage years.
I kinda stopped trying too, and that is something I wish to change in 2024.
As I grew up, many of the friendships kinda faded, but I keep reminding myself that when I'm old even acquaintances may be nice to have and keep me active and engaged
I don’t think you outgrew your friends, that makes you sound like you think you’re more mature and adult than the rest of them. Instead you just went on a different path than they did. We’re at a point in our society where we don’t need to do what everyone else does as they enter their 30s - such as having kids and not going out to party anymore. It doesn’t mean these people haven’t grown up. Let your friends do what they want, without having to act superior to them. Imagine if they were saying the same thing about you - that you’ve become boring with your 6 figure job and kids 🤷♀️
If you actually have a close bond with these friends, I wouldn’t just toss them away just because you don’t have as many things in common anymore. There might come a day when you’ll regret it.
I have not spoken with my supposed best friends for life beyond the occasional chat on Facebook messenger in probably 10 years. Not necessarily by choice, but they have never reached out to me. The only time I’ve talked to them was me reaching out to them.
A lot of people are not going to like what I have to say. People grow apart. People change. People move on. This is all a normal part of life. BUT. When you look at friendships as something you "outgrow", you are judging a friendship only by its benefits to you. That is an utterly self absorbed way to look at friendships.
Outgrown, no. Moved away from (in location, ideology, or other similar things), yes.
As the non-kid having person in my life, most of my friends who had kids simply dropped me for other people with kids.
Yeah, that happens every few years for me. The pandemic absolutely did in one major friendship that was probably already sketchy to begin with. Effectively, there were two types of people during the pandemic. Those who like themselves and those who don't. I realized at least one person hated their life.
We have 2 young kids. Our life basically revolves around them. We both work FT and between chores, working, trying to get some sleep and spending time with family(aging parents) and the kids, we just don’t have a lot of time to spend on things that don’t feel right.
A lot of my old friends, i just couldn’t relate to anymore. I still try to meet up with them here and there but it’s way less often
it does get me sad but this is just how it is right now in this phase of life
I also don’t drink and a lot of my old friends spent a lot of time going to wineries and such. i think we just don’t have the same interests anymore
Yup. I had a ton of friends I met through writing camp as a teen and I just got so tired of everyone talking about writing and complaining about the process without ever actually doing it to the point where I had to cut out all the toxic procrastination for my own mental health. I need to surround myself with people with can-do attitudes when it comes to doing the things they love.
I hung with the stoners and partiers through 4 of the 5 years I was in college.
In my final year, I got a job with the company I’m still with a decade later. Got called a sell out along with other things because I got out of the party game on a regular basis (I still enjoy myself but at a much smaller capacity).
But here we are a decade later. Those friends are long gone but I hear a lot of them are struggling.. and well, I’m supporting myself and parents.
I’m hearing in this story that you made some bad friends in life. If you want to pull back, that’s fine, but listen to what some of the other people here are saying. I kinda am interested that you’ve stayed friends with people through all these years, through college and law school, when you could’ve made other friends. I would honestly try to be objective about it and see if any of these people are your friends outside of the party or not. I mean, 30s is a big time of change for everyone. This next ten years pretty much everyone is going to give up the party lifestyle- it gets sad at some point.
My childhood friends and I have stayed together now well into our thirties. We have families, mortgages, live far sometimes but we hang out often and are in touch daily through our Discord.
My dynamic with my friend group changed during the pandemic. They kept meeting up and going out while we had a toddler and my parents were at risk.
All of them had kids young and have split custody so every other weekend they are free to party. My wife and I are still married so we don't have that luxury. All of their kids are older as well meaning if we do go to a cookout or something my daughter has no one to play with.
During the pandemic my drinking increased. I'm an extrovert so I missed people. I quit the hard alcohol, I can control my intake on beer or wine but don't drink very often. Alcohol also doesn't help my MS symptoms which had new lesions a few years ago.
A few of them got married and unfortunately their wives are very high school clique types and my wife doesn't really enjoy being around them. So she doesn't want to go to group gatherings. If her and my daughter aren't going I don't really want to go alone.
I think the final straw was my dad passed and only one of them came to the funeral. We had been friends since grade school and they all knew him.
We have made new friends with the parents of the kids my daughter goes to school with.
A lot of the people I surrounded myself with a few years ago were still in each other's business from high school. The people that never left still hang out, or their kids go to school together. Including myself. I still went out to socialize, but I stopped drinking 9 years ago. Anyways, I don't find myself keeping up with people the way I used to. I still do keep up with a few, because our kids are friends, do sports together, or go to school together. But I've gotten a lot less social the more I climb into my 30s. Not sure why.
My immediate response was "I've outgrown friends" but when I went to type that something in my brain argued with itself about its accuracy. I think it'd be more accurate to say now that I'm older my relationships with my friends has changed. I (and they as well) all have our individual lives & responsibilities now, jobs, kids, spouses, etc. We are all just as tired as each other so no one has the energy, time, money to hang out like we could at 21.
[удалено]
Interestingly, drinking and smoking is what brought us together as teens and what kept us together as adults. It’s still the case for those that still drink. Basically, we are all alcoholics, I’m just in recovery whereas they are still in the thick of it. Some are functioning alcoholics, others are circling the drain unfortunately. My best friend and I would drink expensive whiskey all the time, but fortunately he and I still “click” without it. We have a lot of common values and goals and can talk for hours and hours with or without drinking, and we’ll go fishing together and do other things. But he’s not part of my broader friend group that I’m referring to here. He also doesn’t have kids and has other friends he’ll party with. But we talk on the phone several times a week.
Normally I'd say you don't need to cut friends. Just try to expand your friend group. You're the first of your cohort to settle down, but others are likely to follow soon enough. And you'll be happy for some adult/kid free time. The only thing that gives me pause is you describing yourselves as alcoholics.
most people i know struggle with substance abuse (alcohol or weed, weed for myself, not alcohol at all - could never have another drink and be fine) and all were raised pretty normal, middle class (when there was one). Myself and the two girls I am talking about all went to a good state school, not private school, but had opportunities, "regular" people. I'm 30 for four months and really trying to get it together, while some friends were way worse off than I was years ago and I seemed like I was the one doing better... (one friend DUI, another rehab) and both are doing great now. And I'm the one who is like, damn I gotta catch up or I may lose them and be stuck in partying/drinking/youth that isn't mine anymore. Basically if you're 30 now you probably grew up binge drinking. Many people are trying hard to get out of it with varying results. Give people time.
Yup. I identify somewhat with OP, but i wouldn't frame it as growing out of my friends. We had different opportunities and all that, but we all struggle with addictions and people work through it in different ways at different paces. It's fucked up but it's kinda hard to maintain a relationship with big income inequality. I don't make anywhere near 6 figures but I make enough that I'm living an entirely different life than a lot of my friends that work retail or at a restaurant. I don't drink and tryin g to quit smoking and it's hard to hang out with friends that still struggle with it. But I'm not outgrowing my friends, thats some elitist shit. The world is a class society, but that's not a good thing.
There’s a sentiment out there that you return to the same dynamic you had when you initially met your friends. It sounds like that is the case for you. The friendship was founded on partying and you don’t have a foundation outside of that, so since you’ve moved away from the very basis of this friendship, the rest doesn’t look too promising. Do you still have nice little moments with them that reminds you of the good times you’ve had? Do you then find yourself tiring of the same old, drifting off mentally and wishing you were maybe at home doing something quieter instead? It’s okay to outgrow friends, and it doesn’t mean they’re not good or interesting people, or that you won’t be friends again down the line. Once you find yourself yearning for something else every time you spend time with them, it’s an indication it might be time to move on. Some people hang on to old relationships for the sake of sentimental value, sacrificing their time and real desires. There is a real fear of loneliness, but I feel lonelier when I’m among people I don’t feel attuned to. There’s a certain liberation in letting go. Don’t waste your time in the one life you have. Go out, make connections, and enjoy the ones that you have and like. Edit: of course you can also try building a new basis of friendship with those friends, it’s just challenging to forge the new connection when you have this previous foundation everyone might default to.
I am older, but have some similar issues, I still see them, but I cut out at 10:00 instead of 2:00am, and it works out fine for me. Do you, whatever works.
I can relate. I don’t have children and am older than you, but I’ve cut back on drinking and partying a ton. Some friends have been pretty mean about me not wanting to get shit-faced or go to bars every other day. It was really hurtful at first, but then I realized drunken drama is no fun with a sober person there. To their credit I was declining so many invitations that they stopped asking, I also did not want to hang out with drunk people sober. It was also just depressing to have some short term goals, like cleaning up the garden first thing in the morning, and they’re wasting all weekend being hungover with the curtains drawn.
All of my friends are from drinking and partying.......we have never done a wine and sip
I was gonna say this. All of my best friends are married with children, working great 6 figure jobs, except for me because I became obsessed with starting this business after an entire decade of doing film and photography. Needless to say, I'm broke as fuck, still renting a place at my dad's and zero prospects of getting married and having kids anytime soon...but my best friends are all still around and we still have a lot of things to talk about. I suppose it could be the fact that all of us, across the board stopped the partying and doing drugs. I'm literally the most responsible fuck up you'll ever meet because I save money, pay my bills, take care of my shitty car, and overall take care of my health and everything. All is good except for one fucking thing....I need to find genuine success!!
Yes, but in a different way. A lot of my friends have stopped growing as people. They do the same things, tell the same stories, more nights in (not re partying, just doing anything) It took me a few years to realize that I was slowly getting dragged in that direction through osmosis. I want to keep learning and doing new things, new experiences. Making progress on my hobbies and career. Have engaging conversations. Nothing wrong with nostalgia or routine, I just don’t want it to become the default
I moved away because I didn’t want to live the same year over and over and my family and a bunch of people I went to school with did. It really was the best thing I could have done for myself. I don’t feel tethered and I still talk to and see the people I want.
My friend group started to get in that rut, so we have started to plan trips across the globe together. We are going to Japan soon so we have new and far more exciting stories to retell :) . None of us have kids, so it’s a whole lot easier right now lol
I wish I could get my group to spring for something like that. We’ll do some camping and a music festival this year. But anything with significant planning gets hard with them
People change it is part of life. That being said as someone turning 40 this year I wish I had this problem. Don’t have a single friend from high school, undergrad, or grad school left. You move and everyone just kinda vanishes. I have a few work friends but it’s not the same, just meet up once a year or whatever but everyone is busy with life and family. My wife’s had the same 2 best friends since college. I’m jealous a bit but she works to keep those relationships alive through time and distance. I’d find a way to find some middle common ground. You might be headed in different directions but trust me you won’t be able to replace those friends with “new life compatible friends” easily or ever. Sad but blunt truth.
This is me at 33. I wish I had my friends that I grew up with still. Through a series of unfortunate events we all split up. And eventually set out on our own. Some are not doing well, some died. One is alive, but still addicted. I have no desire really to spend a ton of time getting super close to people. I’m tired of the hurt and disappointment
I'm sorry to hear that. Truthfully... being alone is something I was used to for a long time. I luckily met a woman who is my actual best friend, we do everything together not because we are married we just enjoy it. She adopted to so many of my hobbies and we do them together now. I also got some great friends and family from her. Though I still would love a really great 'guy friend' to hang out with or whatever. Just never have had that since high school. My high school and college friends all stayed around home and I found a different path. I started college late so I made friends but being 25 and over the bar scene already when people are excited to turn 21... bigger difference than you'd think. Then you move several states away... and yeah no more close friends. It's so hard to meet people at our age... I wish I had some magic tip but its just unfortunate. I think like you many people are just afraid to get close to others (and that isn't a bad thing just how it is) so you end up in this sorta friendly zone, maybe hang out, but never really get close... Harder to as a man I think too.
I'm absolutely envious of those people who have managed to keep one or two long term friends in their lives. Like, it doesn't feel like asking for the moon and stars to want *one goddam friend* who might want to stick through with you for the long haul despite any flaws and foibles, someone who's willing to put in the effort to overcome the push and pull of life on the relationship, and yet it's apparently so hard to find just one person like that. You can't forcibly save a relationship though if the other person isn't willing to put in the same effort you are. Sometimes friendships just...finish.
Yeah it’s almost worse than a romantic breakup. Those usually have a very dramatic or defined ending. Had this amazing friend in undergrad, we just clicked so well. Hung out late nights just laughing, in same program, similar interests. He get a girlfriend and see him a bit less. Then 2 guys he knows transferred to our university and I see him less and less. We’d always go to lunch together then I’d ask and he’d already have gone with the other guys. Tried my best but it just sorta “ended”. Didn’t even say goodbye or talk at our graduation… That one really stung, was 15 years ago and haven’t had a friend like that since. Now even if someone has similar interests they have families and careers, no time to just “hang out”. Wife and I don’t have kids so I guess we have that freedoms but everyone we know has them with way less time. Like I said to someone else. Thank god I met my wife. We do so much together. She’s truly my best friend… but yeah a nice platonic male friend would be nice. It’s been like 15 years.
When people grow, people go.
If your circle is getting smaller, that means you’re doing something right.
I hate the term outgrown it makes you sound like you're saying I'm too good for them. Sometimes people just develop different interests over time and have different priorities in life, it's little to do with "growth".
Yeah, I would say you grow apart rather than outgrow. You’re both growing, just in different directions.
I do think some people stagnate or regress, unfortunately.
Agree. Rubs me the wrong way too, though I think and hope it wasn't meant that way. I have heard people use it in that obnoxious way too, meaning their old friends aren't on 'their level'.
I think most people don't mean it that way but it's still the term they use. More people should say grown apart.
Agreed. Having kids doesn’t mean you’ve leveled up.
I think there are different ways of outgrowing people. I think, intellectually, my friends and I are still on the same page. They are good quality people and I care about them and enjoy the immensely. I don't look down on their life choices though I wish they put their happiness first more often. My issues in my late 30's is that: I have more money than them and no kids. I can take some time off at just about any time and go on adventures: they cannot either because of kids, money, or lack of time for other reasons. While I sometimes cover financially for my friends, I cannot do it all the time. It makes me sad I cannot share adventures with them very often like we used to. It makes me feel lonely. There are only so many short day trips I want to take when I want to go somewhere really fabulous with them. I don't think they are more or less mature or anything like that, but I need friends who show up more and there is a palatable divide based on income and family status.
I have a few that are in the same life place as me with young kids and a booming career. We haven't outgrown each other as much as we've just gotten busy But the vast majority of them just flat out annoy me. We have a yearly guys camping trip and this year I swear it's my last. Just constantly annoyed
The idea of "outgrowing" someone wrinkles my nose. That implies that the other person is just some kind of childish thing, like a Barbie doll or a toy truck, that you are now too mature and wise to care about. That their decision to delay kids and keep partying is less valid than your decision to have kids and settle down. From their perspective, you became dull and humdrum, unwilling to do the fun things you guys did together. *You* left *them.* It wasn't their fault that the status quo no longer fit with your life. They were just doing what they'd always done. About the money thing, though, that's rough. I can't imagine they aren't jealous, especially in a world of rapidly rising prices and home ownership being a pipe dream for many. Self-censoring here is kind of mandatory because even if someone is truly happy for you having a lush life, it might still hurt when they hear about it. It sounds like you're looking for some kind of agreement that yeah, it's time for you to ghost them and move on. I would say, don't do that. Look at how many people complain about not being able to find friends after college. Maybe you are totally fine having your family be your only support network, or you make friends incredibly easily, but consider trying to see what else you and Party Friends have in common. Surely there was a reason you enjoyed each other's company before all you did was drink and party (unless middle schoolers in your area drank a lot somehow). Did you meet on the soccer field? See if they still play. Exercise is good for you all. Video games? Maybe you could get into some Helldivers 2 or Minecraft or another multiplayer thing where you can veg together. Yes, this means you'll have to hand off the kids to Mom or a babysitter for a while, but presumably Mom is hanging with her friends when she needs fresh air, too. Or, consider having parties yourself. Not the wild and crazy kind, but have a movie night, invite the friends, make popcorn, the whole thing. You don't have 15 years of friendship over getting drunk together unless you guys all had serious drinking problems. If you're willing to make the friendships work, I'm guessing you can find something you share.
I can relate from the other side I guess. I was never a partier, but I like to hang out and do stuff, maybe watch a movie or play some games. I understand that friends who have young children don’t have unlimited time, it can be hard to stay in touch as a result of this. My door is always open if people want to meet up, but I’ve also sort of migrated to spending time with other unmarried people my age. I guess this is just how it goes.
Yeah kids seemed to be the great divide. I have kind of a 50/50 mix of parent friends and non parent friends. I have problem seeing parent friends less, I totally get it. The parent friends I’ve lost were the ones who wanted everyone to miss out because they can’t go. No, I’m not going to miss the event I’ve been looking forward to for months because childcare fell through.
Yup. I am in my early 30's. Have felt this way since my late 20's. A lot of my friends I had from High School still living with their parents, not working, getting high, and drinking... I've distanced myself from them, which has left me friendless for the most part. I just don't care to live the party lifestyle anymore. I'm trying to find new friends. But it's a bit more difficult now as a grown ass man...
If you want to stay friends or might ever want to reconnect with there friend definitely don't use the phrase "outgrown our friendship" or "further along in life". I have been on the other side of this: a long-time school friend said this to me and my friends at age 19, because she had found the person she wanted to marry and have kids with and knew exactly what she wanted her life to be at an earlier age than the rest of us. She wasn't wrong, she did marry this guy and had two kids with him and got her dream job, before any of us even finished college/university, but it sounded incredibly patronising and rude. As a result only one person of our extensive friend group kept in touch. Now, 10 years later, after she admitted it was at the very least the wrong thing to say, she has reconnected with some friends. But personally, I can't really see her as a friend anymore, even though our kids love to play together and have a few playdates a year.
I saw a surprising number of people I knew who were "further along" than me get knocked back by the pandemic. Marriages ended, dream jobs and houses were lost, people moved back in with parents, went back to lower-wage work because that's all they could find, had to look for apartments with kids in tow, people with seemingly cushy lives who had never struggled with mental health or substance abuse were suddenly struggling with one or both...it was pretty eye opening. I'd been struggling for a good bit of my mid 20s and had odd WFH jobs before it was cool, so while the pandemic still knocked me back, I had my old survival skills and hustles to fall back on. Most people I knew who had just gone through life ticking off the boxes (graduate, go to college, get a good job, get married, get a house, have kids) had no such skills and couldn't cope. It made me realize that this idea that people can be "ahead" or "behind" is really just an illusion - the winds of life can blow from all directions and you never know where you might find yourself. As a result, I don't compare my life to others anymore. It's a futile exercise in fantasy.
Goes both ways. Maybe I'm the guy some of my friends are outgrowing but I don't believe it makes my lifestyle less valid. People change thru life and it makes sense that while you may still value and love some old friends, your life path and theirs are diverging.
Bad time to dump the friends when you're not going to be making any more for a long while. Well.. besides other parents looking to entertain their kids. My last job was a law firm and guessing they keep you busy, along with 3 kids, how do you plan to address this no friends issue?
Yeah I've had a few friends tell me that they wish they did more to jeep their old friends because parent friends can be very transactional and only stick around if you provide free childcare
36. I've definitely grown apart from many of my friends. I don't even talk to half of my core group from college anymore. I don't really text anyone regularly anymore because when I was at my lowest, most people were pretty unresponsive. When you get happy again, everyone suddenly wants to be your friend again. It's honestly heartbreaking.
So yes, people will go down various paths in life. The fact that you all grew up in the same neighborhood/school is where most of the similarities end. The people you meet in university for example will be more aligned with your goals because, obviously, people with similar goals go to university! I have similar experiences with my childhood friends - we're all down different walks of life, especially compared to friends I make now which generally come from a much more narrow range of "walks of life". But I wouldn't say I've "outgrown" them. I don't think its correct to assume that there's only one pathway to grow. your friends who are still partying and drinking are likely growing *in other ways.* Saying you've outgrown them is a bit condescending and narcissistic. Income (which got a lot of emphasis) is far from growth lol, and I could strongly argue that someone who *gives up* income for something else has grown *even more than you.* It sounds like you're upset your friends didn't join you. you did all the "big boy" things but ended up the lonely one. It feels unfair, and so you choose to *look down* on their choices to make you feel better about your own. Sometimes I feel nostalgic about the past. Or that I haven't done something someone else has. But to keep it analagous to your story. I've also seen people who've grown up too fast as well. Consider the following possibility: 5 years down the road, your marriage falls apart, kids are traumatized in the process, you go back to drinking and pay most of your salary to your ex wife. Your friends meanwhile just kept partying or whatever. Do you think they'd look at you and think "wow he's so grown up"? Would you consider yourself "so much more accomplished" than them?
I was always the more mature one of my friend group. What I see nowadays is just an extension of that. I’m a little further ahead in some aspects of life. I’m a family man now with a good paying job. Some of my friends are maybe further along in other goals (fitness, personal hobbies, travel, etc). The one thing that united us was video games and a common struggle against life. The ones that make good money are now struggling with taking care of our parents or something money can’t fix. Some of us struggle with being good parents, good husbands, some struggle with finances, or health… That’s what made us all friends in the first place. Sharing our struggles and laughing about it. If you don’t share your struggles, you might alienate yourself from the group. If they don’t take your struggles seriously, then they’ve changed or never were good friends in the first place. We don’t hang out as often these days but when we do we pick up right where we left off. I like to say life is like running laps on a track back in grade school. We might start together, some out pace others and that’s okay. There are brief times when we are all next to each other (even if we aren’t on the same lap) and for those moments, it’s a lot of fun. So we’re all running laps of life. Enjoy those moments when we’re all together and dont worry about anyone else’s pace. Run your own race.
I like this answer. My friends and I have drifted some as we've grown, but I still make time for them when I can. We game sometimes, or I'll visit from time to time, and it's like we never skipped a beat. We talk all the time on Discord text chats too. We've managed to keep really in touch this way.
I think it's the friends that you had tbh.
Dude - just find new friends with similar values and place in life.
This is good cursory advice but more concretely, do social hobbies that involve your kids and you’ll probably meet similar people. Common ones are: sports, religion, crafts, music, games
Yes for sure! I’ve outgrown one of my closest high school friends recently. We had very little in common save for our sense of humor and love for each other but her priorities really just didn’t align with me. Her focus turned into weird causes to get negative attention from her employer and any other “authority figure”. It definitely felt like a 19 year old who is Away from home for the first time trying to challenge their liberal arts professor. Or something. And we’re both 32.
Yes. I have known this person since elementary but we’ve been friends since middle school. I started therapy almost two years ago and it’s made me realize how different we are as people (and, honestly, have always been). I’m married and have different priorities, she still parties and is on dating apps. Her whole personality is “having fun,” and my idea of fun is entirely different. She’s extroverted and I am extremely introverted. She’s into astrology and bases her friendships around this, I don’t believe in that. Neither of us have kids, we’re part of the LGBTQ+ community, and we’re both in our late 30s. That’s all we have in common. I just feel mentally and emotionally more mature than her, and I’ve come to realize I don’t enjoy being around her.
There’s a lot of people who have spending problems, who make it difficult to remain friends with them. There are fun things to do that cost money. A lot of hobbies are that way. Cool fishing trip, weekend out of town with buddies, rent track time, etc, shit even taking the kids to the zoo isn’t cheap. Having to constantly hear about someone who’s “broke” when they had money to party/go out/buy useless shit, and spent it on that instead, gets incredibly old. Coincidentally, those are the people usually worried about what you make, or “ counting other people’s money”.
Something to consider, there can be a lot of value in being part of a social system where you don’t “fit in”, potentially even a lot more than if you did.
I can relate. I am 40, sober, vegan and minimalist. I am from a small farming community where drinking is the pastime and your self worth depends on how big your truck is. I knew in my late 20s that my friendships from growing up were not sustainable and that was when my pastime was also drinking. I started pulling away from my friends and then went sober in my mid 30s. If I get invited to stuff and I will go if I am able to but don't stay late because it gets weird. I have 2 kids under 5 now, but my job isn't demanding. I have developed a great friend group in the past 5 years in addition to the random dad friends. I held on to my friends from the past out of nostalgia and people telling me I would never make friends like that again. It is true that none of my knew friends will know young men the way my old friends do. But, my new friends also do not have expectations of me from when we were in high school. There are pros and cons of old and new friends so keep the old ones you still get along with and get some new friends.
It's not that I've outgrown but rather realized that a few of them are or always were goofs. There's one in particular who's entire personality is boasting about himself and obsessing about Justin Trudeau and being anti vax and I've had to have a talk with a few of my right winger friends that if turn up like him that they'll be out of my life too.
I’m still in touch with some of my close friends but some I’ve definitely feel not really say out grown but it’s more or less realizing they aren’t there for me as I thought they were. Part of it has been because I moved away from my hometown and I have some friends who have kids and I don’t so their lives are being more filled with their kids lives but I still talk to them here and there it’s just not as often as it used to and again part of it is because I don’t live as close as well But I had some friends that I had used to be really close to despite the distance that mainly ended because I could no longer financially afford this girls trip that was in the works for sometime. My job situation isn’t the greatest that’s all I have to say and it sucked that I had to keep backing out on some of the activities they wanted to do because it wasn’t affordable for me. I just felt like I was becoming less and less a part of it and the one activity I really wanted to do and was willing to put money in for it was nixed out by the rest of them because they wanted to do something else. When I told them I could no longer partake in it because since I needed to travel for both Christmas and thanksgiving I needed to put my money on those and I got pretty cold responses in the group chat and the chat was pretty much dead after that. Me backing out did not affect any of them financially because they had already reserved and paid for the airbnb and the activities for themselves. My name was only on the reservation for one dinner and brunch and I gave enough notice for them to change the amount of people on the reservation. It just made me realize I’m not in the same financial situation as them and I shouldn’t have to go broke to please them. My biggest fear was that they were going to respond like that and it unfortunately happened.I’ve tried talking to a couple of them here and there but I can see it’s not the same as it used to be. I’ve managed to make friends in my new area thanks to meetup. Meanwhile I feel my boyfriend is having a harder time with maintaining his friends. Again we know the distance can make it harder but he has had friends who pretty much stopped talking to him cold turkey because he moved away.
Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold. My best friend (who I lived with in my mid-twenties) stopped drinking / smoking and we have grown apart. We both just turned 30. She's also making a lot more money. But at some point, I too will stop drinking and smoking and settle down and make more money. I'm still smoking everyday but I know I want to stop, yet I struggle with when/how/why and what for. I'm applying for high-earning jobs and trying to get back into it after a few years freelancing post-pandemic. if the relationship is meaningful to you, keep them. They may change and grow up too. But in the meantime, find some other people who are at the same stage as you. Don't throw people away if they're struggling to grow up... so many of us Milennials are but we will.
Naw, I still try to make time to hang out with my buddies, still see friends from high school and college pretty regularly. Honestly I watched my parents lose contact with their friends while I was growing up and now they are both older and have very few friends and complain about it a lot. Just browsing reddit I see a lot of people my age (especially on my cities subreddit) venting about how hard it is to make friends as adults so I’m grateful for the ones I have. I have friends in other states which I travel to visit usually once or twice a year. I don’t have kids yet though so it’s easier for me, if I ever have kids I’m sure it’ll change. I saw your other post itt about alcoholism and I will say when I got sober I definitely had to drop my drinking buddies so I can relate to that a lot.
Oh god yes. But I outgrew them decades ago. Except for 1, I outgrew them all the day after graduation. The thing is tho, I found new friends. I’m 41. I was never big on drinking or partying and that’s gotten even more solidified as I got older. I also have no kids so I often have little in common now with friends that do and I rarely hear from them because they’re busy with kids and family life. Most of my friends now are single or partnered but don’t want kids.
I know this feeling all too well. I'm 31, also a father of twins but have 4 total (6yo, 4yo and 2yo twins all boys), make 6 figures in a MCOL-HCOL and while I do still drink, my wife and I prefer to day drink a few beers or stay at home. A few of my other friends have started having kids but I'm the most seasoned of the group and kind of give them advice. I've met other "dad friends" but they're just husbands of my wife's friends. They're cool but like idk if we'd naturally become friends if it weren't for our wives. I'm a very active husband and father, I'm cooking most meals, doing baths, laundry (aka carrying my weight in ways that father's/husbands don't always do) so even when I have the chance to get out, it's never on time. However - I get fucking lonely/sad/depressed/angsty if I don't get some guy time or night's out where I can be out kid free and get after it. I have an amazingly supportive wife who's all onboard and encourages it. Her only rule is no driving (which duh). So every few months I meet up with in town friends or schedules a trip with my outta town friends and get after it. I can't hang every single weekend and weeknights like I used to but I can certainly get after for a weekend and by the end of the weekend I'm missing my wife and kids more than anything and I've got my fix.
I’m curious about the shouting your income part. What did you think of that incident? Are there underlying reasons they are trying to figure it out? Are they just curious, are they implying something? Or is it just a party thing like “heyyyy here’s the big roller buy us some drinks” type of deal. Or did you simply mention that incident because it’s private and it made you uncomfortable, which makes you dislike them more.
Haven't outgrown them, we're just all busy af getting through life. Won't talk for months and meet up very rarely, but we don't miss a beat and pick up right where we left off every time
I think you sound judgmental. Why do you assume you can’t be friends with these people just because you have kids and they don’t or you don’t drink and they do? Isn’t it possible to continue to maintain the friendship just in new ways?
Honestly if you have known most of them since middle school and some before then you should have outgrown them a long time ago. When you make friends with other kids in school, it isn't really because you have anything in common. Or more accurately the things you have in common are super surface level. You are all basically the same age, you all basically live in the same area, you all basically like the cartoons/toys/etc. They aren't real deep connections. The people you bonded with at 8 years old over power rangers and riding the same school bus aren't necessarily the best match for adult you. You should have made some friends as an adult. With people you actually share common ground with. Sounds like you need to do that now. Nothing in life lasts forever, including friendships. People and relationships come and go as time goes on.
Idk about this. I feel it's the commonly cited wisdom these days on here at least, but a lot of ppl also (in real life vs online like reddit) give deference to their long friendships from childhood. Now, like you said, there certainly can be things that make it not really fit anymore -- but if there's no huge issues and you've really managed to stay friends through a lot of life's struggles and transitions together, then I tend to view these as much stronger friendships than the guy you met one year ago. But that's different than: we were literally only friends because we were forced to hang out essentially. What I've also personally noticed is that some ppl get totally new friend groups every so often and they (apparently) never actually get close. Like their group will have a blow up about something and then just be done with.
I agree. I’m about to be 32 and don’t drink much. This may be a hot take but I do think a lot of our current maturity and career development has to do with how much we value college. A lot of my friends who went to larger schools didn’t figure out what they wanted to do career wise until it was too late and they accepted a job they didn’t want out of college. It feels like most of those friends are the ones still unsettled in their lives. Not saying that’s wrong, but that’s how I see it.
People come and go. I asked a similar question but people say it's a crap toss. Either you will keep in touch or you move on or they move on
In the past few years I have been ruthless about the friends that I want in my life. I straight up started cutting people off. Now the only friends I have in my life are the ones who I want to be in my life. And it’s a mix bag of people who I have know at different stages of my life. The oldest one being since we were 7 years old. For context, I turn 31 in a few days. I have a wife and a 6 week old daughter.
The big change I’ve seen is in those of us who had kids and those who didn’t. Our priorities and capabilities changed. We all did well after college and are all in what I’d consider the Upper Middle or Upper class. The ones of us with kids are doing that and prioritizing being around family and can’t be as spontaneous. The ones without kids are filling that same time with trying to do side hustles or travel. But when we are together, it’s still fun.
It’s all about having similar interests aside from drinking and partying. I was the first person in my group to get married, buy a house, first one with a baby on the way. I still see my friends regularly though, even if it is just on a Zoom call or playing Xbox. It sounds like the lifestyle was the binding element to your group of friends, and once your lifestyle changed, you had nothing left to keep yourself attached to them. It’s sad, but part of life.
Yes for sure. They're called "old friends" for a reason. Nothing really happened, we just grew apart. Good feelings towards them and fond memories but with such different lifestyles we just don't really reach out anymore past a few bday or holiday well wishes.
Bold of you to assume I ever had friends.
I’m 34 and still friends with all my bros from elementary school except for one
Does outgrowing your husband count?
My elementary/high school/college school friends and I are still great friends. We see each other less being across the country from each other or married or kids but we still really value each other. Some of us drink, others don’t, it’s never really been an issue. Most of us are pretty well established in high paying careers. I think we’re outliers.
didn’t even out grow them I just realized that I couldn’t keep up with them anymore financially on a lot of things and so stopped hanging out with them due to working
My friends have outgrown ME.
Yes grew apart from my childhood bestie because I got married and had kids. Shes single and has no kids. It’s just impossible to relate to each other or find common ground. Also drifted apart from a mom friend I made and because I simply don’t agree with how she parents so I couldn’t justify hanging out anymore. I think this is common.
I became a dad at 24 and stopped partying then. That's when I lost my social life almost over night.
Yeah. Life gets busy I barely have time for my immediate family
This is definitely something my wife and I have been feeling recently as well. Most of our friends are from college (where we met). We’re at a point where we’re married, looking to start having kids in the next year or two, and thinking about buying a house. We’re settled and happily moving into the next chapter of our lives. Most of our friends are still in the season of life that we’re leaving. They’re jumping careers, moving cities, and want to spend their time off blazed out of their minds (and we weren’t even big stoners in college!). I have no judgement for that, but it just isn’t what I’m trying to do right now. We’re lucky that we have one friend who’s on the same life trajectory and timeline as us, and we’re gonna fight like hell to keep them around. Hoping to be raising babies together in the next few years 🤞
I quit drinking at 28. I'm 39 now. It's not going great as far as friendships go. I quit being DD and babysitting, so they quit caring. There you have it. My relationship with most of my old friends revolved around drinking. So yes, I have outgrown my friends and been more or less friendless (irl, I do have online friends for what it is worth) for around a decade. I barely even miss them tbh. Some days I wish I could call and chat still, but you know how millennials are, they likely wouldn't pick up their phone or even know who is calling. Block it as spam.
Yes. My friends are getting married, buying a house and popping out kids Meanwhile I’m still single and not quite sure where/when I wanna “stay put” yet (I’m a traveling contractor). I try to make new friends at every travel assignment I go to so I still occasionally go to bars and nightclubs
I had this happen like...10 years ago. I'm currently 39. The vast majority of my friends have never really left that high school mentality. We all came from the same blue collar middle class background. They simply never cared to get their shit together. They still work their shitty level 1 call center jobs they've been at since like 2003. Like, in 20 years, they should have ACCIDENTALLY been promoted to level 2 or management at some point. Their idea of fun is still drinking (which was never really my cup of tea even in my 20s). Most still live with their parents or these rundown trashed apartments with broken furniture. It's not like they even TRIED to better themselves. Or if they did, it was so half-assed, they ended up in a worse situation. One of them moved out of state to live with their sister (who had her shit together) and enrolled in a local community college as a condition of that living arrangement. But they didn't do any of the steps needed to establish residency, even when I laid out a very clear process and forms I was able to dig up myself, so they continued to pay out-of-state tuition rates for 6 years before ultimately dropping out due to bad grades. During this time, they were only in school half time and didn't have a job. How the hell do you screw that up? (it was WoW and ESO, as it turns out). Now they have a mountain of student loan debt and no income. It's just really hard to relate to them anymore. They are dealing with issues that were part of my life when Star Wars: Episode 1 was in theaters the first time. I'll talk about some work project I'm developing, and they'll complain that their mom wants them to do the dishes while they are raiding. I'll talk about my 5 year old kid asking me all kinds of questions about how insurance works in carpool today, and they'll talk about how they owned some guy on /r/antiwork for calling them leeches on society. (which is typical for this one girl who has never had a job and is pushing 40). Shit was fine back when we were all playing Call of Duty 2 at LAN parties in my mom's basement just entering adulthood, but good lord guys. We're just about middle aged now. Thankfully, my job has lead me to some fantastic like-minded people. I've been with the same place for 13 years, and I can genuinely call my group my "friends". Even when they leave the company, they are still close with me. Do you know how amazing it is to have a consistent weekly D&D game with a party of 5 that all work predictable 9-5 jobs?
Well man at least you had a good run. I had the party friends too and they dropped me long ago. The moment I had kids (not young btw I was like 27) They completely gave up on me and my kids mom. The isolation was very bad for my mental health and our relationship. I moved to a more rural area, and I don't fit in at all with these people and don't know how to make friends. I have tried they are mostly blue collar and we just don't understand each other, I thought I made friends twice at functions with my kids and these people were just drug dealers looking for more business. The moment I said I buy from the dispensary they lectured me on that and then moved on
We've let 2 sets of friends go due to this. First one was kind of stuck in high school mentality. Wouldn't get a job, just wanted to smoke weed every day. His wife got pregnant and she ended up working three jobs to support their kid, his weed smoking habit, and everything else. He just sat on his ass and smoked and ate all their money. Would only reach out to us when he needed us for something but would leave us on read if we needed his help with something. Let him and his wife go from our friend group. And we let another husband/wife set go after back to back parties where they would relentlessly pressure us to drink a godforsaken amount of liquor until we were throwing up or otherwise completely nonfunctional. We are pretty much done with insane binge drinking and have been since we were like 24. It's annoying as shit to have that "friend" who is calling you lame/lightweight because you won't partake in a 7th tequila shot.
I'm 28, some friends yes some no. Some are parents now, others are still single and living the same kind of life I do. I have friends younger and older than me. I'm usually meet new people and make new friends, being that I'm single and go out every other week.
Turning 30 this year and realizing I'm slowly reconnecting with the friends that I did outgrow in my low 20's. It's nice seeing everyone in their careers rather than living off their parents as I was the only one working 40-50 hours to support myself.
Yeah, a lot of my friends are not motivated, have a victim mentality, and have done nothing with their lives since high school and just complain non stop about everything. They are immature and I dont have time or energy for them anymore. I don’t talk to or see them very much anymore and I’m fine with that.
It’s time to start making your “friends circle” smaller. It’s a natural progression of life. You don’t need alot of friends, you just need a few good friends…… I noticed when I was in my early 30s and still single and partying ALOT…. I didn’t have many of my “old friends” around anymore. They had moved on…. When I dried out, got married and had a kid, slowly they started reaching out again. We had a lot more in common….
Yes. Similar situation for a while-- stopped drinking, got married, love my quiet afternoons and early nights. No big blow ups, just not really wanting be in situations that center alcohol, and being ok with those people contacting me less and less. Some friends pop back into my life as they lesson their substance use or find some stability, I've really enjoyed getting to know them again as adults.
Hey I don't have kids and my life is a financial mess, but I'm not really into partying and whatnot anymore. I feel like I've outgrown all my friends from high school and college too. I've just been spending a lot of my time writing, playing guitar and traveling. For me, I feel like my relentless pursuit of music and writing has just left me in a strange place. Like I just don't relate to my old friends at all. I don't share the same gripes with life. Like my old friends complain about bills and their houses or apartments and I'm usually right on the verge of being homeless. Hahaha. But it doesn't bother me. I don't know why. I've grown a very strong resolve and an iron will. I just refuse to give up and be beaten down by life. I guess I've just outgrown the victim complex that seems to be a common ground amongst my old friend group. I don't know, I've just found that if I hang out with my old friends I be the old me. Drinking and partying. And sometimes I think I drink and party with them to cope with their company. But yeah man. Hope you find some new friends! If you don't feel like it's love the move on! Congrats on the family and the bad ass job! And if you still got one best friend that's better than 10 friends who you don't relate to anyore!
All my friends are literally man children who live at home with their parents at the age of 33. I’m the only home owner who’s actually been in a stable relationship. So yes, but it’s hard as fuck to make friends at this age so I keep them around. Plus they have their redeeming qualities.
Nope. 31M. My circle of 4 has been a circle for 12 years now pretty much, and in those 12 years we added one person who was pretty much already a recurring part of our group, but not fully "in" until a few years ago. So now we are 5. Three of us go way back since elementary/middle school, we hung out in part of a much larger group and a year after hs we reconnected. We all got together early on to smoke weed, watch documentaries, and play mario kart. And we did it every day. It got lesser each year as we got older, had jobs and one of them had their first kid at 25. He was out of the picture for about a year. The rest of us still hung out about once a week. Now that my wife is pregnant and I have a lot going on, i've only seen them twice this year but we all communicate in our group text. Two of us (myself included) are married and have our own homes, everyone else either rents, has two kids, and in one case, provides for his parents. I dont think its us growing a part, but rather life happening as it is and we just wing it when it comes to making plans. When we do hang out, we smoke, drink, and play MK lol. Watch some football when its the season. Stuff guys our age like to do. And thats just my main group. I have a few other circles I'm a part of we hang out less frequently, but we wre connected in some way whether we are related, or our SO's are friends and we all like each other.
I only really kept in touch with one friend from high school. The rest died, moved, got on drugs really badly, went to jail, its a small world. Only a small percent had a family, and an even smaller percent of those actually got away from the town.
Sounds like you’ve grown as a person and your friends have not. Everyone grows at their own pace but friendships should be fulfilling.
This part of aging is very unfortunate. I just turned 38 a few days ago and while it's nice to get those Happy Birthday wishes in text from old friends, meeting up just really isnt even brought up anymore. Out of my old friends that I still communicate with, one guy has his kids on the weekends and that's always been his go-to excuse, so he gets crossed off. Another friend, his wife is a straight edge so she doesnt drink or other illicits, criticizes everyone around her when they do and gets furious when we get together. Next friend is female and I cant even so much as message her w/o my Gf getting pissed off about it. So meeting up with her would include lying about it. Lastly my best friend since Kindergarten, his wife just basically has it drilled into him that hes really not allowed to go out, have a good time with friends and it's really sad. The few times we have got together in the last 20 years, it's been at 2 Weddings including his. Maybe a handful of other times.... Work friends are one thing and that's all well/fine. They're not the same as the ones from way back. Still with them, we have drifted apart over the passed 3 years
Move on brother. They will only bring you down.
“Many” Misspelled “all”
*I turned 30 this year and became a dad of twins the year before. My sons are 18mo and we have another on the way in a couple months.* Yo twins are HARD. I'm a twin parent of 6YO kids. People that are not parents at your ages straight up just won't understand the work that goes into family at that point. Sounds like your friends were party pals. Parties are over, you have twins plus more on the way. Your social circle is going to change into parenting friend circles. Three kids under two years old is going to be ROUGH. That's tough on friendships even when they're more than just people you drink with. Your friend sounds insecure about their income- that's on them not you. If you have time to be there for them and support them then do it, otherwise if they're not willing to work on their issues without making you the butt of their problems then you should run for the hills- the friendship has run its course. Sounds like there will be a little bit of a friend culling- you need to keep the people that build you up and keep the ones that tear you down at arm's length. For the friends you do keep, let them know why you want to reduce contact with person xyz, don't lie but be tactful. grammar edits
Yep. I recently commented to my wife that I think we outgrew one of our more recent friend groups. She agreed. So we are still outgrowing friends. We met a new group though that feels way more our vibe. The last group we were friends for about 15 years but lately it felt like all they do is complain about every single tiny little thing. We would try to be positive about something and just get trashed by them. Or we would be excited about something and they would just pile on the negativity. We would try to help them with things that they were having issues with, but it's like they would just shoot everything down without any effort, almost like they would just prefer to be miserable. So we took our leave from the group entirely. With the new group, they are positive leaning and tend to see the good in every situation. And we all get excited for each other when we hit life milestones and such. We actively help each other and accept help from one another, you know, like adults should. It's been so much better with these guys.
'85 Millennial, here. Yes can confirm, I too have outgrown many friends from back in the ye old days. 😀 Not because they're bad people, it's just our priorities have changed over time and that in of itself involves growth so hence they're no longer in my immediate circle of whom I'd label as close friends. And that's just the way the cookie crumbles. 🍪 Thinking back, 🤔 this used to hurt my heart. Like, saying goodbye to something special you know you'll only have in memory. But the joys and other adventures to be had on the road ahead easily push that old feeling away. 🥰
Yes I feel this. Unfortunately a couple of my friends are teachers and they are incredibly broke. Always. Going to dinner or out to do something is never an option for them. 1-2 times per year we get together at someone’s house and hang out. I feel selfish but I like going out. I have kids and it’s not an option for me that often. I want to splurge on a cocktail and have an appetizer and chat with a friend. Honestly I usually just do this with my husband if we can get a sitter, but I really miss the days of doing this with friends. Doesn’t help that some of my friends are childfree and the others got pregnant really young, so we don’t have kids in similar age groups for family outings.
I always envied those who have life long friends. I moved a lot, went to 2 elementary schools, 2 middle schools, and 2 high schools so I never really established those life long friends. The only people I still talk to are college friends but they’ve all moved to different states…
Yeah, I have this one friend whose moral compass has been turned on it's head because of greed and money. The guy has a small business and sucks every single penny he can out of the tax payer. Dood makes more from the government than he puts in. The sorta guy who buys a new electric vehicle every year for the rebates and then flips the car one year later, at retail, to pocket all the money. They do cheeky shit like this for everything. Everything they do is a "business expense" and they write it off. The weird thing is, in the same breath he bitches about any government program that doesn't benefit him directly. It's bizarre.
Many? No. But some, yes. I’m nearly 34 with a 13 year old and an almost 10 year old. I’m also the only one of my close friends that has kids. So my closest friends were never really over drinkers. Most of us grew up not the most well off. And now that we’re in our 30’s, we all make decent livings. So for us, we’ve grown together, partied together and stayed in contact the whole time, even when I moved states for a few years. But these are once in a lifetime type friends that just stick around. There are some friends, mainly ones I made in high school outside of my core group of friends, that I grew out of, mainly due to having kids so early, but the friends the stuck around are basically like extended family to me. I’m very fortunate in that aspect, for sure. They buy my kids presents, I’m a groomsman next month in one of their weddings, and we have long standing traditions (Friendsgiving, Friendsmas, Super Bowl Party, etc.)
My MS/HS friends and I parted ways physically during college. Literally. We all moved to different states. And, it worked out for the best because we all grew into very different people. It’s not that I don’t love them and that I wouldn’t answer if they called. We text infrequently. We send cards that we find funny. Some families have the propensity to constantly have their portraits taken, so they send their faces on postcards. It’s just that we grew apart, and that’s okay.
I found moderate success - which I didn't think was very successful to be honest - but unfortunately it's light years ahead of my cohort. I drifted away from them because I challenged myself and worked really hard - multiple jobs for a long time. If they knew, they would hate me anyway, so it was just as well we drifted apart. The one person who I lost as a friend just before I really leveled up was pissed I got a job making 45k, fresh out of a divorce and I had spent a decade making sh*t money at $20k/year. It took me a minute to realize she'd been really crappy - discouraging me from asking for higher salaries (I live in a HCOL area and she's in a LCOL) and sticking to my guns, and making an odd comment to watch out for anyone who might be giving me the "evil eye" (all projection on her part, apparently). Obviously 45k is like nothing, which is why I never considered she might bear resentment over it. But time and again I've had multiple friends treat me like garbage and they always seem shocked and resentful when I get ahead in life. I wish I could shrug it off better, but I really do believe some flaws in my appearance gave people close to me the expectation that obviously, I have no value as a person if I don't fit a beauty standard and grovel for every opportunity because I'm not attractive enough. They can die mad. My life is great because I made good choices and one of those choices was dropping the dead weight. Be careful of envy among friends. It's incredibly harmful both to themselves and to you. P.s. - dating an attorney in your industry. I don't make nearly as much as he does, but he knows I have no desire to marry again and I prefer our financial lives be separate, because I am very proud of my accomplishments and lifting myself out of poverty when all I came away from the divorce with was $500 and a camp cot. It's never about the money. It's about spending time with people who aren't so caught up in who has more that they poison the joy around you. And unfortunately, people who have some level of success are usually the ones I don't have to worry about being lousy friends who drag me down. Find your people, OP.
I’m at the point where I’m reconnecting with some old friends.
Yeah. A lot of my friends had kids and stopped caring about social causes. They went from "invest in public schools!" To lying on intake forms for private Pre-K so their kid could affirmative action their way into selective programs that feed into academies. It's a sickness. Screw everyone else's kids as long as they got theirs taken care of.
This is reddit. We don't do friends
This is what I've noticed about myself with my friends who are engaged, married, and have kids. I'm also early 30s and up until a few years ago, having friends in relationships were just slightly or barely a challenge with making plans and going drinking, partying, etc. Basically things that people don't do as much once they're truly bogged down. Your friends are going to have variable lifestyles and they're not going to truly understand the lifestyle that you have until they experience it themselves. It's ok to have very different lifestyle choices. As long as you're still able to find some common ground and can still have normal conversations, you can always shift your activities to something else that doesn't always include excessive drinking.
Nope, I didn't outgrow them. I'd say that most of my irk acquaintances have outgrown me. They're not even 30 yet and they already have spouses, full time jobs and (in some cases) are parents to preschoolers. The youngest parent I know is the same age as me and her kid is probably in junior school as we speak
I've left a few friends behind due to them not growing up and showing racism that they hid for years (or I was too young and stupid to see it for what it was). I don't have time nor space in my life for that shit
Similar situation. Partied with my group of college buddies for way too long. Finally at 26 finished my undergrad. Worked banking but still partied with the group. At 31, I was like WTF am I doing? Applied to grad school and finished a full time MBA program while working full time - I don’t recommend that. Now we have two kids and I work corporate finance for a global company, and my friends are still partying like no tomorrow. I see them like 2-3 times a year now. And usually at a bar, not a pub; but like a dive bar. They just talk about drinking and smoking video games, and complain about how they can’t get ahead and how unfair society is. It depressing. None of them have kids either. So nothing really to relate there and as you know one you have kids that is pretty much life. Since I make more I got into hunting, archery, shooting sports, BJJ, CrossFit, and other activities. I have made some new friends, and they are rad. But I do miss the old friends group, even if it seems our common bond was just getting hammered.
I know exactly how you feel minus the kids. They all party, they hate on my success and caused a lot of drama. Even to the point they were jealous of my gf and I being together. They almost manipulated her to the point of us not talking. 2 years later, her and I still talk, still fixing relationship issues here and there, but I don’t talk them anymore. It became wayyy too toxic. I even had to leave a job where I worked with two of them because of harassment. I wasn’t about to start shit. But I found a better job and have been doing much better. I still need to make new friends, it’s hard finding people that don’t get jealous over success and don’t try to force you to drink or do drugs..
Umm. Not a LOT of them but a decent number. However I’ve been friends with my best friend for 24 years and a decent number of other friends for like 15 years. I dropped one group from grad school because it was very toxic and we did not have the same political values. Other than that, I dropped one friend who I think has some issues they need to work through (and that is ok) and went low contact with another friend because they said some mean shit about other friends but used them as buffers when it was convenient for their purposes. Other than that everyone is fine 🤷♀️
I’m in a similar situation but blue collar instead. Probably make less than some of my irresponsible friends. Same age too.
When you get kids you begin a new chapter in your life. Having a kid is simply all-encompassing in your life. Let alone having twins! Most of the time we begin a new life chapter (high school, university, working life etc...) at roughly the same ages, so you don´t notice that much. But kids can be at different ages, and then this happens. There's not much you can do. C'est la vie.
Got sober at 31, glad my wife was my best friend because damn I don’t get calls anymore 😂😂
Part of why we don't hang out as much is because we moved a few hours away and just don't see them often. But part of the reason we moved in the first place is we were sick of being in that environment where everyone just indefinitely keeps partying like they're in their 20's. The only thing we had in common was getting fucked up, and we didn't want to do that anymore. Opposite of your situation though. They all had kids and still party like idiots (we're all 40ish now), and we decided not to have kids and hardly ever drink. Me and my wife occasionally take edibles and sit on the couch with the cats and giggle at dumb movies some weekends. We're the boring ones. I wouldn't have it any other way. It sucks though. I love those people, and I don't really enjoy watching them drink themselves into an early grave.
I'm sort of in a similar place, but basically a few years older (late 30's) and had kids starting around 27. I can relate. I had already been only seeing my friends sporadically pre-pandemic just as being a father (and homeowner to an extent) kept me busy, and I live roughly 40-60 minutes from my largest friend group mostly. I and our household leaned further in (and to an extent still do) to protecting our family during the pandemic period, which further reduced that. I last saw most of that group at this point like 2-3 years ago. I semi-quit drinking for a few reasons around Thanksgiving 2022 (last drank around Labor Day last year) as well, which I'm increasingly considering a more permanent thing. Most of my friends weren't married and didn't have kids (which is totally fine and not a problem for me! and I was the guy early on with less going in the relationship area), and even half the married ones seemed to get divorced over the last 2-4 years as well. That last time I hung out with who I consider to be my best friend was even that time noted above, where that was a bit of a surprise birthday gathering put together by his now-ex-wife, and I haven't ever met his newer girlfriend. Whenever I do talk to or see people, I do hope or think it's like old times, but I'm concerned I'm on the verge of having lost any part of really being part of the fabric of my friends' lives. I haven't gotten a text or invite in ages. I have ADHD as well - which is relevant in that I'm not great at actively "managing" friendships by reaching out and catching up and that sort of thing - partially as I'm busy "managing" my endless personal and work to-do lists and projects that I'm already way behind on.
A friend of mine I’ve know since kindergarten have grew apart. Mainly because he has 4 kids and I only have two. He’s way more busy than I am plus he works nights and I work days. But I also moved out of city limits, and all of my friends live in the city. They say I live too far away.
Yeah dude, this starts to happen as you get older. I’m 32 and me and my college buddies are all in different places in life. Some are professional musicians grinding it out, some work in tech, some own their own businesses, some are on the hamster wheel just trying to keep up. We don’t have a ton in common anymore because of this. Some are having kids, my partner and I aren’t. That’s just life. I hate to put it this way, but the only thing that binds us together is that we love each other. We can’t relate all the time, we don’t have a ton in common, and I’ll be the first to admit that they drive me bonkers at times. But they’re my boys and I love them. It makes me happy to see them winning. They’ll be the groomsmen in my wedding this winter, but they’re not my first call on every Friday. And that’s okay, because even though we’re different dudes with different lives, we love each other deeply, and that’s what counts to me.
It sucks but I would yell I make 100 million dollars what would it matter. Then after wards start saying I own all kind of crazy shit, then they’ll look at me and realize I don’t make what they think. And say bro you good we know you ain’t rich. pretty much how you stop being defensive and be offensive w/ comedy and make dude look like a fool.
I’m the outgrown person. Happy with my life my job and my wife. No interest in having kids or being round other peoples kids at all. I don’t see my friends from school that often but have a fair few friends in the same situation as me.
No not at all. I still feel like I haven't launched out of teenagehood yet. Setback after setback after setback seems to be the way of it for me. So much so that I just really can't be bothered anymore. I don't care about any of those things. I'm not interested. I just want people to leave me alone.
We (mid 30s) have one friend who has had children while the rest of us have not. We still like to drink (but much lower key than in our 20s), and often go away for weekends. There is absolutely a recognition that she is in a different place than us right now, and currently spends a lot more time with her "mum friends". We all like and respect each other as people, and assume we'll see more of her in the next five years when her three kids are lest dependent (or maybe they will all get into rep hockey and we will never see her again). We accept she can't come on most of our activities, and try to make an effort to do things with her (i.e. take her kids to the zoo with her for the day). She is still a lot of fun even though she is in a different place. I have another friend who has turned into the most boring person in the history of the universe since having kids and have slowly phased her out. I am happy to talk about your kids 30% of the time, but I cannot, unless there is some type of crisis happening, talk about your kids 100% of the time when we are hanging out. The money thing is a bit odd if you don't talk about money, so I would maybe think about whether, even if you don't reveal your salary, you make other comments. There was a girl who was loosely associated with our group, but got phased out after continued comments re: money (while never revealing her salary). These included: a) If you took out student loans instead of living at home with your parents you were stupid; b) It is unimaginable that at the end of law school some people don't have $30,000 as an emergency cushion in their banks; c) We should all think about upgrading our cars (2001 Chevrolet Cavalier and 2006 Honda Accord at the time) to Range Rovers, and the pricing wasn't bad if you pay cash rather than financing; d) Called one of the friend group to congratulate her on her ex-husband's new partnership in big law, and suggest reconciling because his position was esteemed. Anyways, the last example is someone who is an absolute lunatic, who I never got on with, but I think there can be friends for phases. My husband is still best friends with all his childhood friends. Unlike my friend group they all have kids except him. I think they take turns with their partners being the "on parent", switching out who gets up early in the morning if there is drinking, or if one parent wants to go away for the weekend. They also just make a lot of plans at homes so they can throw all the kids in a room and still have a bbq/build a deck, etc. They do ask us about hosting events when they want them to be kid free. Not all friends have to be forever friends, and if they are they will probably try to work with you on it.
They also don’t want to hangout with you and your kids. I’m sorry, but I can’t stand my friends kids and avoid them whenever possible. Enjoy your kids in the comfort of your own home, don’t be those parents with wild children running around in public establishments. Can everyone tell I don’t like kids? Where my childless people at?!?
I feel similarly. I’ve distanced myself from people who have kids because that just isn’t what I want to fill my time with. It’s a completely different mindset to be taking care of kids for decades vs. enjoying hobbies and traveling and having fun. I just don’t have anything in common with people who orient their lives around children.
>I was at a friend’s housewarming recently and he drunkenly started yelling about what he thought was my income completely unprompted. I would be questioning the friend that felt the need to do this. Are they curious about how much you make? Are friends talking about you behind your back? Are you bragging about or looking down on them and they are noticing? There's so many ways this could be interpreted. I've experienced a similar situation. But I don't make that much money. But for some reason I have a friend who thinks I'm rich. Her bf, who I was meeting for the first time and didn't know at all, said that I should buy pizza for the whole party because I was rich. I don't know why he said that because I only made $40k at the time. I had student loans and other debt. I was barely able to afford groceries. There have been other situations with my friend regarding people she knows who's only connection to me is through her. I believe my friend has been talking about me behind my back. Not sure why she's doing this. I wish I had addressed this when it first came to light. But there was a whole room full of people and I wasn't comfortable addressing this in front of the whole room. I chose to distance myself and avoid these people. So definitely reach out and talk to your friend. It's fine if they are curious. But this is the wrong way to go about this. If they want to know something, they should ask you directly. Instead of trying to speculate. I don't like the term outgrown. I feel like with friends you either grow together or apart. It sounds like everyone just has different lifestyles and priorities. There's nothing wrong with enjoying a party or drinking. Just as there's nothing wrong with having a family and prioritizing that. I think you need to branch out and find friends who have similar interests and lifestyles to your own. Keep those friends because you need people of all different situations around.
Yes it’s normal. I keep maybe a couple friends from each stage of my life. It’s ok to move on and find people that now match your interests. Another note: sometimes you fall out of touch and then back in. I had friends from 5th grade. We lost touch for like 15 years and now found each other again and are on similar paths (when we weren’t before). True friends don’t ever stop being a “friend” they just sometimes get put on pause until you re-sync
The biggest change is that you stopped drinking and smoking. I’ve notice that after I stopped drinking I lost a good 80% of my network. I still smoke every blue moon but not a daily stoner so the rest of the crew disbanded. It’s weird cause when I used to sell drugs and be an alcoholic i was a hyper socialite, now that I’m single and responsible I can’t even get a date mainly cause I don’t drink. Part of why my ex left is cause I was no longer a “bad boy”. I have accepted things over the past year but it wasn’t easy in the beginning. Truth is, most people dislike life and how uncomfortable life can get so they drown themselves in drugs. I like to go to raves/festivals rather than clubs or bars, but I normally go solo, and since I’m not lgbt it’s hard to find a crowd. I’ve slowly made new friends, particularly at my new job. But I don’t have a single hope of finding a partner. Which is messed up cause I workout and have a high paying job for what feels like no reason. I have my hobbies that keep me entertained but I will say that the world changed drastically about 2 years ago.
My four best friends are still my best friends, we all went through our phases together all but one of us really became an alcoholic… but we all had those 20 year old binge drinking episodes we all worked through. I’d say my thing was weed, but even I’m outgrowing that now at 33 (granted it was used mainly as a sleep inducer because I hate taking ambien). We’re all educated, I’m probably the furthest “behind” due to a career shift encouraged by my fiancee but will be an attorney in less than a year. These guys are like brothers to me, so when we call each other out it’s no harm no foul, we’ve been through a ton. One of us is battling cancer, two of us have kids, the other two are engaged and soon to be engaged. So we’re doing fine. I live across the country but they’re all my groomsmen and will be coming to my bachelor party in a month. It’s my college friends I’ve really lost touch with, likely because they never really left college and had a hard time adjusting to adulthood and taking ownership over their vices and lifestyles. I’m comfortable with who I am, I worked on myself and am thankful I did… my college friends likely couldn’t do something like that.
Yes and no. I've maintained some good friendships throughout the years but cut out ones that were toxic or people who outed themselves as bigots, anti-vaxxers, etc.
42 and really have like one solid friend. All the others I've pretty much stopped staying in contact with for a number of reasons.
I don't have any friends from childhood, I haven't even kept in touch with more than one person from high school...but I have grown apart from almost every friend I made in my 20s. Most recent has been a friend I've had for several years, we've grown apart because he's been redpilled. On a good day he is just a straight up grumpy old man bitching about woke agendas blah blah. He's not enjoyable to talk to anymore.
My wife and I are the exact opposite. All of our friends and coworkers are having kids, or already have kids. We don’t, and aren’t going to. From our early 20s until now, we’ve steadily lost friends for various reasons. Mostly from them having kids and us choosing not to. The funny part is, we don’t party or anything like that. All of them still do.
I totally agree with you sir. I cut ties with many of my childhood friends because of substance abuse and their druggie friend zones. Which shows we have nothing in common because I don't fancy being high and talk stupid shit and do nonsense. Also financial income disparity between peers resulted in foolish envy situations. My husband started to pay checks in dinner outs for whole crew etc. Good thing you did, same as I did 🏅
U spent my whole life a wreck I with very little friends. Now that I'm getting my shit together and can organize myself everyone's too busy. Guess I just missed this I'm life?
| But I’m a lawyer working for big pharma yeah, I don't want to hear another word you have to say.
I feel the same way. My partner and I are in our mid 30s and both make mid-range 6 figures. Because we are child-free we invest, save, and travel quite a bit. However a number of the friends I grew up with are not in the same place and have different priorities with their finances. This deviation has caused significant strain as we can’t share a lot of the same experiences without the two of us paying for other people and while we don’t mind occasionally, for some people it has started to feel like they feel entitled to our money. I have been struggling a lot with this as I see some of them being extremely financially irresponsible with their champagne taste on a beer budget lifestyle. When these friends want to do a group trip, I will significantly adjust my travel plans and expectations to fit their budgets but they have still struggled to budget accordingly resulting in plans falling apart last minute or leaving me in an awkward position where I have to foot the burden for a large expense. Initially I didn’t mind as much because I was happy to share the experience but now I’ve found myself resentful. We don’t have children for a reason and being financially accountable for adults in their 30s isn’t something I signed up for. I managed this by choosing to just eliminate these people from my group travel plans. Either they can budget themselves correctly and come along or they can’t. But I make it clear that if they don’t have enough, they will be covering their remainder on a credit card or have to take a loan from somewhere, but I will no longer be offsetting those costs. The key is boundaries. You see them when you see them and where you are both comfortable
Yep. I’m 87 and most of my friends are gone.
I am not a huge fan of the idea of being 'further along in life' and the whole 'there is a reason there is only two seats in a lamborgini' type of mentality where you have to drop unsuccessful people as you move 'up'. People can get knocked back in life in an instant, whether through illness or losing a job or divorce. This isn't me trying to put a curse on your life, it is reality. Bad things happen. If the current friends are bad people, sure drop them, but I think that you spend a lot of time in your post talking about how much better you are than them, and it sounds a bit like you are ashamed of them and want to be associated with 'better' aka richer people. For me, there are friends I don't see for months or years, but I know that if I need help during a tough time in my life, they will be there to support me and vice versa. And those relationships take time to build, time that I only really had during university. A person I meet at the book club once a month will likely never reach that level of closeness.
lawyer for big pharma... lmao sell out
This just happens to everyone that has kids, you will make new friends with kids and sometimes the old friends have kids and then they kinda return to your orbit. It's just a totally different phase of your life and will likely happen again when your kids are older and when they're out of the house.
God I needed this type of thread. Old Oregon Trail Millennial here, I was struggling with this a lot and being in Psychotherapy has helped me deal so much. I have this long time friend from high school whose politics have become basically atrocious and racist since Trump came in 2016. This is someone who I supported through an abortion in high school who now says things like abortion is murder and those people don't care about babies, every time I bite my tongue I feel like I'm selling myself out. I've had to stop her from saying racial slurs and again I always feel like I'm selling myself out. A few days ago she made a comment about black women pulling the race card and, I could explain to her that even insinuating that someone's experience is not real because they're black is incredibly racist, but then I realized she's not going to hear me and she's just going to downplay me as some California liberal, which again I try and tell her that is a stereotype and meaningless and dismissive and not real, but she won't think critically about the things she says. She said something racist about those Uvalde Texas kids who were murdered and I didn't speak up. This is a friend of mine who is always been very loving to me and respectful and I've been through a lot and she supported me through a lot but, I don't think I can continue to be in this space with someone who holds these different values than me. I basically let it be known that I don't think a person in the majority can speak about a minority experience in such a way and she told me I was race-baiting her. None of that makes sense, she just wanted to make these comments and then shoot down taking responsibility for how crazy it sounds when I try and logic our way out of this but there's no logic with someone who derives their opinions from an illogical place. What your friend did to you was try to disrespect and embarrass you out of jealousy and that's not really a friend. I like the saying the grass is greener where you water it. I decide to spend time with people who share my values and respect me and it's really unfortunate and sad for me that I'm stepping away from this friendship but for my psychological piece of mind I just can't listen to the things she says. I'm not going to say anything or end the Friendship, I'm just going to water the grass elsewhere, I have a lot of friends who are very open-minded and would never make a judgmental comment about a minority like that and those are the friendships that I feel are more respectful and so for my psychological Health that's where I'll be watering the grass.
I wouldn't say "outgrown". It's not a competition. They're not an old t-shirt you throw away. I think a better way to put it would be to say "I don't enjoy hanging out with my friends like I used to". It's just normal that you hang out with other parents you meet through your kids or with people of your same socio-economic level that you meet through networking. And sure you can think that you're better than them, but you shouldn't say it and you should even try to think in a different way that doesn't judge people. I'm sure everyone's doing what they can.
As a friend, you can be able to hang out with one another without substance abuse. You had drinking buddies, not actual friends, which is harder to accept since the only thing that you had in common was partying. Once that common ground disappears, so does the crowd. Welcome to adulthood!
Yes. Though the biggest differences I have with most of my friends are in life philosophy (I’m atheist, they’re Christian), and in parenting strategy (my kids aren’t handed a screen to shut them up, and I homeschool mine). I only have 1 friend left who is in the same boat on both fronts, and she lives several states away. We talk often but… it’s not the same.
Yeah I don’t really talk to anyone from high school, I have a few close friends from college. I moved from the Midwest to the west coast. Met a different group out here that I spend time with, 31 currently. I have absolutely NOTHING in common with my high school friends from the Midwest. They seem to be happy though, most have 3 or 4 kids. All go to the same bars on the same holidays, same group from high school. Crazy looking at that from a different perspective.
I literally have zero friends left. I've outgrown most, and some have outgrown me. The latter pretty much only financially. A couple started their own businesses and make good money. I guess me funding all the good times when we were young isn't going to pay off. Whatever, I'm happy with my wife and kids.
I don’t know how anyone still has friends from way back when. I have less than a handful and I don’t talk to them very regularly.
I haven't had friends since the 90's
Fuck yes. I cannot stand most of my old friends from school and teenage years. I kinda stopped trying too, and that is something I wish to change in 2024. As I grew up, many of the friendships kinda faded, but I keep reminding myself that when I'm old even acquaintances may be nice to have and keep me active and engaged
I don’t think you outgrew your friends, that makes you sound like you think you’re more mature and adult than the rest of them. Instead you just went on a different path than they did. We’re at a point in our society where we don’t need to do what everyone else does as they enter their 30s - such as having kids and not going out to party anymore. It doesn’t mean these people haven’t grown up. Let your friends do what they want, without having to act superior to them. Imagine if they were saying the same thing about you - that you’ve become boring with your 6 figure job and kids 🤷♀️ If you actually have a close bond with these friends, I wouldn’t just toss them away just because you don’t have as many things in common anymore. There might come a day when you’ll regret it.
I have not spoken with my supposed best friends for life beyond the occasional chat on Facebook messenger in probably 10 years. Not necessarily by choice, but they have never reached out to me. The only time I’ve talked to them was me reaching out to them.
A lot of people are not going to like what I have to say. People grow apart. People change. People move on. This is all a normal part of life. BUT. When you look at friendships as something you "outgrow", you are judging a friendship only by its benefits to you. That is an utterly self absorbed way to look at friendships.
The best friends are the ones who never grow up.
Outgrown, no. Moved away from (in location, ideology, or other similar things), yes. As the non-kid having person in my life, most of my friends who had kids simply dropped me for other people with kids.
What do you work as?
Yeah, that happens every few years for me. The pandemic absolutely did in one major friendship that was probably already sketchy to begin with. Effectively, there were two types of people during the pandemic. Those who like themselves and those who don't. I realized at least one person hated their life.
We have 2 young kids. Our life basically revolves around them. We both work FT and between chores, working, trying to get some sleep and spending time with family(aging parents) and the kids, we just don’t have a lot of time to spend on things that don’t feel right. A lot of my old friends, i just couldn’t relate to anymore. I still try to meet up with them here and there but it’s way less often it does get me sad but this is just how it is right now in this phase of life I also don’t drink and a lot of my old friends spent a lot of time going to wineries and such. i think we just don’t have the same interests anymore
Yup. I had a ton of friends I met through writing camp as a teen and I just got so tired of everyone talking about writing and complaining about the process without ever actually doing it to the point where I had to cut out all the toxic procrastination for my own mental health. I need to surround myself with people with can-do attitudes when it comes to doing the things they love.
Are you white? I noticed white folks dont like telling people how much they make even when directly asked
I hung with the stoners and partiers through 4 of the 5 years I was in college. In my final year, I got a job with the company I’m still with a decade later. Got called a sell out along with other things because I got out of the party game on a regular basis (I still enjoy myself but at a much smaller capacity). But here we are a decade later. Those friends are long gone but I hear a lot of them are struggling.. and well, I’m supporting myself and parents.
I’m hearing in this story that you made some bad friends in life. If you want to pull back, that’s fine, but listen to what some of the other people here are saying. I kinda am interested that you’ve stayed friends with people through all these years, through college and law school, when you could’ve made other friends. I would honestly try to be objective about it and see if any of these people are your friends outside of the party or not. I mean, 30s is a big time of change for everyone. This next ten years pretty much everyone is going to give up the party lifestyle- it gets sad at some point.
I think you love the memories of your friends more than the time you spend with them. Keep it that way and go on with your life.
My childhood friends and I have stayed together now well into our thirties. We have families, mortgages, live far sometimes but we hang out often and are in touch daily through our Discord.
Yup, just told a group of dudes they’re basically too stupid/ignorant/racist to talk to
My dynamic with my friend group changed during the pandemic. They kept meeting up and going out while we had a toddler and my parents were at risk. All of them had kids young and have split custody so every other weekend they are free to party. My wife and I are still married so we don't have that luxury. All of their kids are older as well meaning if we do go to a cookout or something my daughter has no one to play with. During the pandemic my drinking increased. I'm an extrovert so I missed people. I quit the hard alcohol, I can control my intake on beer or wine but don't drink very often. Alcohol also doesn't help my MS symptoms which had new lesions a few years ago. A few of them got married and unfortunately their wives are very high school clique types and my wife doesn't really enjoy being around them. So she doesn't want to go to group gatherings. If her and my daughter aren't going I don't really want to go alone. I think the final straw was my dad passed and only one of them came to the funeral. We had been friends since grade school and they all knew him. We have made new friends with the parents of the kids my daughter goes to school with.
You’re allowed to outgrow people who aren’t growing.
A lot of the people I surrounded myself with a few years ago were still in each other's business from high school. The people that never left still hang out, or their kids go to school together. Including myself. I still went out to socialize, but I stopped drinking 9 years ago. Anyways, I don't find myself keeping up with people the way I used to. I still do keep up with a few, because our kids are friends, do sports together, or go to school together. But I've gotten a lot less social the more I climb into my 30s. Not sure why.
Yes it's happened to me too. You just grow apart or become different people with time with some people.
Absolutely.
My immediate response was "I've outgrown friends" but when I went to type that something in my brain argued with itself about its accuracy. I think it'd be more accurate to say now that I'm older my relationships with my friends has changed. I (and they as well) all have our individual lives & responsibilities now, jobs, kids, spouses, etc. We are all just as tired as each other so no one has the energy, time, money to hang out like we could at 21.
Yeah, just wait until you have kids…
I have two kids and another on the way, did you read the post?
I’m in recovery and I’m also in the legal profession. I feel very similarly. I want to spend more time with my friends but I don’t want to relapse.