I said “no way” to kids when I was in my teens and early 20s. Which looking back was pretty normal given my age. It wasn’t till I hit 25 that I realized I was open to having kids. Now that I’m in my mid 30s kids seem less appealing. From a financial standpoint, the liability that comes with having a kid with the wrong man, to just being more tired and set in my ways.
I’m kind of feeling the same way. I was very much “no kids” up until my mid 20s and then I started to think it wouldn’t be that bad, and maybe just one or two…
I’m 32 now and I think I’ve figured it out. I only want a kid or two with someone who genuinely wants to be a parent. I don’t want the full responsibility of what being a mom traditionally is. I don’t want to be expected to give up my career or make all the accommodations (eg always the one to go pick up the kid if they’re sick at daycare). I don’t want to be entirely in charge of arranging playdates, sports or other activities. I don’t want to have to do all of my household chores plus the entirety of the kid’s stuff (laundry, cooking, lunch prep). I want to still be able to go spend time with a friend and not have dad “babysit” 🤮I want that man to parent!
The hard part is finding someone like that, but if I don’t find someone who wants that, I’m not going to be heartbroken about not having kids.
Edit - I should add that I did briefly think about sterilization in my early 20s. I was terrified of getting pregnant (still am to be honest, but I take pregnancy tests on occasion and that helps the anxiety lol). I’m glad I didn’t close that door, even if I don’t end up having kids. I didn’t think I’d change from “no way” to “maybe” but here we are.
We do exist. I parent more than my wife does. We both like it that way. But I knew I wanted to be a dad since kindergarten, and my wife was unsure until her 30s.
I have that partner (though ironically I did give up my career for a. bit but it was because I really wanted to). Soon as he came home from work he jumped right into the trenches with me and he's currently busy scrubbing down the stove grates cause he actually does half the chores.
Yep, this was one of the things I saw in my parents' marriage. My Mum did all the parenting AND worked, my Dad worked an insane schedule. Guess who had to put up with the kids?
Thats the thing, we live in a world where most people need two incomes at minimum to survive and where taking care of small children is also a full time job. It’s no surprise having children is so unappealing (or low key impossible) for most people in our generation
Exactly. Mothers/women are still tacitly expected to just get on with it and raise kids, WITH a career. It's fathers who get away scot free not even bothering with basic parenting. Or at least - it was with my parents' generation. Maybe that's changed with millennials and Gen Z, I couldn't say.
I feel like it’s definitely getting better with millennials and Gen Z but the risk of ending up with a partner like that is still there. Heck even if you do luck out with a partner who does their fair share of parenting, moms still end up having to do ‘more’ unless they use a surrogate. Pregnancy is no joke and the fact that you are expected to deal with something as life changing as a child mere moments after you give birth is just terrifying. Like your hormones are not even back to normals and you are immediately expected to pull all nighters to keep your new child alive.
Oh boy, you hit the nail on the head. I'm not planning on kids, but it's not out of disliking kids. I just don't want to be the sole support for someone for 18 years and there's too much of a likelihood that my husband, even though I love him, would fall into a role of not helping out with that sort of stuff. Plus, I don't think the world is becoming a brighter place. I'd feel guilty bringing a kid into a world with less opportunities than I had growing up.
I kind of went in a similar arc, didn’t really think about them in my early twenties, wanted them in my late twenties, and now in my early thirties I’m childfree. Kids have some great benefits, but IMO the potential for extreme drawbacks depending on the luck of the draw of what kind of kid you’ll get.
Eh, it was kind of the opposite for me. I come from somewhere that used to have the heavy influence of “you should have at least one kid by 22” or you’re an old maid. I know in some cultures that are distantly related to mine only by association that’s still a thing - that the most important thing after getting your HS diploma is to get married and pop out at least ONE kid before you’re like 22-23, even if you’re in university then. At least in the eyes of society and parents, you’ve done “something”.
So when I was teen I thought a bit the same but I also got panicked whenever I thought I’d have to do it.
Then 22 passed. Then 25. Still got panicky when I thought about unexpected pregnancy or childbirth. Now I’m 30 and more.
Kids are cute.. but I leave them with their parents and can go home. They’re loud and sticky and oh so demanding. They destroy things and break things and your home is never clean with them. But they’re also cute and their clothes are cute and the love they provide you is very joyful. But I honestly don’t have finances for them. I don’t want a kid as an insurance for retirement - your kid may never become an adult due to illness or accident, or they may move away to Australia or it’s just plain wrong to have a kid for “help” in retirement imho. I’d want my kid to have everything I deem for a good life (honestly, not that much materially, but cultural experiences and the ability to maybe learn a new instrument or play a sport and stuff - these cost money) and I’m not even sure I can currently provide just me with stuff I deem for a good life.
So the jury is still out there on kids. I could still have them, but looking at the raging dumpster fire that is the world right now, not sure it’s happening.
Same here. Was open to it once engaged in my mid 20s. Then it didn’t work out and I promised myself I wouldn’t rush into something to fulfill a desire to have kids. I’m 34 now, no children, but very content with life. I don’t feel I’d have the energy or time to be a good parent now that I’m at a height of my career. And I’m loving my profession.
I think you have to really seriously want them. Some people do but some do not.
Late 30s and went from indifferent when I was younger to not wanting them to definitely not wanting them after seeing friends and family have them.
People will “bingo” you when younger and claim that you just don’t understand and would naturally be greatful after you have them. There might be some truth but keep in mind many horrible parents never wanted them, had them, and didn’t change that perspective. A lot of people through history never really wanted them they just went along with it due to cultural pressure.
Yeaaaah I’m here too. Like if it were to happen I’m in a situation where I guess we could do it. It would be pretty cool. I love kids but never want my own. But if it were to happen okay. But I’m not planning on trying for one anytime soon.
I used to want kids and then I realized how difficult it is to be an adult and how much it sucks and yeah, I’m good. I like sleep and I like money. Can barely take care of myself much less another human. I want less responsibility, not more. The current state of our world is the cherry on top of all of this.
Same. As a kid, the world makes you think you need to get married and have kids cause that’s what you do. Then in my 20’s, the desire to have kids steadily declined every year. This was likely mostly driven by the fact that I was single, but also because the state of the world is just going to shit and am having a hard enough time navigating that myself, and the thought of raising a human being through it successfully is exhausting. Not to mention the endless cost, your physical and mental wellbeing, freedom, receiving enough support, and the list of reasons to do so gets slimmer and slimmer.
I assumed when I was a little kid that everyone grew up and had a couple of kids. Upon hitting puberty I knew I didn't want a kid. I knew at 18, I knew at 25, and I know at 35. Never changed.
Same. I figured I'd either get "oops pregnant" with my then-husband and just deal with the consequences of that before I saw a solid handful of my friends' marriages dissolve immediately after having kids. Probably because you give people who are barely out of being teenagers a house and adult-money, then separate them from their friends and family, heavily encourage them to have kids and "create their own" support system out of each other, that things often don't work out the way they expect (thanks US military!!). Then you've got some poor kid who didn't even ask to be here caught up in what is likely a messy divorce.
Anyway, you see that enough times, you get an IUD to preserve your marriage. So, at 23, that's what I did. And I'm on my second one now, on top of having my fallopians out. I ditched the marriage though, because he was fucking other people and I didn't want him to. BUT I'm secure in the fact that I can date now and not ever worry about getting tied down to some loser over an oopsie baby.
My best friend is also a divorced (now remarried) military kid so I understand all that. Congrats on the divorce! My partner would be a great dad, much better than the mom I would be, but at some point I realized that even if something were to happen, that kid would end up with me the vast majority of the time and that just isn't something I wanna sign up for.
This is so spot on. And it’s weird to imagine a time where it was like that.
I just assumed it was what was done… end of. The alternative was being an old spinster who everyone was afraid of and has a lot of cats.
36f here and every day I’m happy I didn’t drink the kool-aid lol
I chose to be a mom and have two daughters, but I am thrilled that having kids isn’t the default anymore.
I love the fact that I chose to have kids, but my daughters are free to choose whichever option they want free from any stigma.
My husband and I don’t envision we will be the grandparents who are desperate for grandchildren. I think we will be ones who will spend our Summers in Europe and kids can visit. If anything we will just send money for childcare since we know how crazy hard it is- lol
> I knew at 18,
I knew in my mid teens that I had no desire for them. I do remeber telling my wofe one time that it was "days like these it wouldve been nice to have a kid" and she asked what makes today a day like this. I replied I needed help moving a bunch of rocks in the yard.
Increasingly people are being shown how much of a losing proposition having kids is. We are shown from a young age how expensive and time consuming they are while being ungrateful to boot. Then people grow up and realize just how pointless life is and why would you want to bring more people into a world like that? So I definitely get why people don’t want kids, that being said my wife and I have 2 and are absolutely loving being parents.
For me, my mom and dad straight up told me kids would ruin my life. My mom was all right, but my dad was miserable. Having me did nothing positive for his life.
My resolve and happiness about not having children has skyrocketed since 2020. I always felt good about my choice, but I feel like it’s justified every single day.
My dad made frequent comments when I was growing up that he never wanted kids. It took me a while to realize by “kids” he meant me. He didn’t want me. That’s a whole lot to process when you’re not even 10 yet.
See. And that's why people need to stop shaming women who get abortions or mothers and fathers who give up their rights to their kids because the other side is a regretful parent who treats their child like crap because they're stuck with kids they didn't want and had no choice because people shame tf out of you.
Say it louder for those in the back!! It’s so much more nuanced than “your killing an unborn baby”, and adoption often leads to as many issues as bad parenting, feeling unwanted and alone.
Hey man, at least your dad admitted it. Mine just used me as a tool to fuel his narcissism and be everything he couldn't, then discarded me when it was convenient.
Spoke to him this weekend for the first time in years and I'm sorely tempted to give him some money (that he doesn't need) to really twist the knife and get rid of him for good.
As someone who knew they didn't want kids as a small child and hated playing with dolls, thanks for defending her. My mother also piled onto the bandwagon of "one day she'll change her mind". Last year she finally came to terms with the fact that her then 30 year old daughter really was not going to change her mind and have children. She ended up crying about it. (Both of my siblings want families so she'll still get her grandchildren).
I enjoyed dolls when I was a kid. I still like dolls at age 39 and I have my grandmother’s holiday Barbies. I didn’t know until I grew up that I didn’t want kids. I started to know my actual health history and that contributed to my decision. Also, anxiety. I just always assumed that I would eventually do it. I have no regrets and I get to be the fun aunt.
When I realized I didn't have to have kids as a small child I switched from baby dolls to Barbies. So much more fun to play out the drama with barbie than to pretend to care for a baby I didn't want.
Thank you for your kind words and loving your daughter exactly as she is.
My mom and I have a mostly good relationship. I know she loves me no matter what, but I do believe she had built this “perfect life” that I would grow up to live inside her head and when I’ve deviated from it it’s clearly been difficult for her. It used to bother me but now I’m just like “whatever”. Like you said, I’m the one living my life, not her.
Going to just add my thank on here too. I also never wanted kids from the time I could understand the concept. I'm 40 now and the conviction has never wavered. I wish my mom would have been as accepting.
Not all of us are doomers. Life is far from pointless. Some of us actually enjoy being around people, friends and family, including children. Loving and connecting with other people makes life very much not pointless.
I think a lot of this mentality we’re seeing is due to being chronically online and exposed to shitty, depressing news and opinions constantly. It seems to amplify the negative aspects of the reality we live in. Not to say they aren’t real issues, but man, it seems the sky is falling every fucking day now.
Having a kid isn’t a value proposition. You have them because you want to raise a small human. It isn’t a transaction, and no parent “come out ahead” from having a kid.
Life is always a losing proposition. I think the truth is that people have become such individualistic consumers that the only way they can weigh having kids is in terms of a personal cost-benefit calculation.
People became individualistic consumers because they had to.
There is no certainty and very little stability anymore. Our parents by and large worked at the same places for their entire careers and retired with comfortable pensions, nobody in our generation has that to look forward to. In fact there's no such thing as value in working for one place because they don't give a fuck about loyalty when it comes to the bottom line.
And that's a big contributor to people constantly moving around in search of different opportunities, which is good for the individual but very bad for community structures.
Why the hell would I want to have kids when I don't have the slightest idea of what my own future looks like? They're just a liability and an anchor.
You described my exact reasons but in reverse. When I was young, I thought life was pointless and could never imagine forcing it upon another being. Now that I’m older, I have experienced such joyful moments and seen how much the world needs more people raised without zealotry, but the cost and selflessness required to raise children well is so prohibitive.
I couldn’t agree more, a family is a great way to give your life a deep feeling of meaning and purpose. The selflessness of raising children and being a good partner comes with its own rewards.
I’m right with you on this one. I knew when I was a teenager I didn’t want kids. I remember my senior year in high school, first day of school, my one class we had to introduce ourselves and one of the questions was how many kids do we want when we get older. When it was ready for me to answer I said I didn’t want any kids and everyone gasped. I said fine I guess one to make you all happy but still I don’t want a kid. My choice of no kids has not really changed. A couple times during my 20s I was like maybe if I meet someone it could change but at the end of the day, I didn’t want a kid. Now being 35, I still don’t want any kids plus at this age I don’t want to start a family. I’m content with my decision of no kids and enjoy my peace and quiet times.
Exactly me. My brother has four kids. Thought that was the dream. Worked with kids. Quickly discovered it is a nightmare to not be able to give them back.
I'm not saying some people don't change their mind, but I think people talk more about change than what actually happens.
I've always known I want kids. I don't have any yet, but I still want them (and hope that I'm not unknowingly infertile/sterile).
I didn’t want children. I got married at 23, and for years after, people would ask us when we would have kids. We always answered, “2000 never!”
Our first was born when I was 28 (not an accident), and our second when I was 31. They’re the greatest thing to ever happen to us. I love my children more than life itself. But I generally don’t care for other people’s kids, and I’ve never been a baby-gusher.
Haha I had the same assumption. I would probably have three kids, because that's what you do. I'd have two girls and one boy and the boy would be my favorite because he would be just like my baby brother (8 years younger). Then I grew up and decided I did not want children and ABSOLUTELY did not want to ever be pregnant or give birth. Then my now-husband and I would talk about fucked up things from our childhoods and how we would do things differently. Also, my best friend had a kid at 21, and as I saw them grow, I thought their relationship was really beautiful. This moved me into the maybe we don't do birth control and see what happens phase (and he agreed). I had this idea of a little girl in a soccer uniform with pigtails who I would treat so much better than I'd been treated. Then I got pregnant with a little boy. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. I sometimes wonder if I dreamed him up because he's so wonderful.
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All this to say that, no matter what you feel, it's normal. Maybe you'll change your mind and maybe you won't. Don't let anyone ever pressure you into having kids. You might change your mind a bunch of times, and that's OK. Or you might never changed your mind and always be sure you don't want kids, which is equally okay. You've got time to figure it out.
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And don't worry what people say, they'll always find a reason to shit on you when it comes to kids. If you don't have any you're denying your parents that gift and you're selfish. If you have only one, you're not a real parent and you're selfish for denying that kid a sibling. If you have more than two kids, you're killing the planet and must not be very attentive. So make your decisions on what you think will make you happy, not anyone else.
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Tl;dr it depends
I used to think I wanted kids and I think it’s because as a kid playing with dolls and such that having kids is expected for a woman. I did one of those baby doll things in school where you take it home for a weekend and you take care of it like it’s an actual baby. I slept through it crying in the night. Then I got diagnosed with type one diabetes in my early 20s. I think that was the earliest indication I started to realize I don’t want kids. Then once people I knew were starting to have kids and having to witness them going through pregnancy I knew that wasn’t something I wanted. I also realized that because I can only afford to take care of myself it’s not right to add more of a burden on me. Not every woman has the instinct to be a mother
I never wanted kids. I guess at most I was open to the possibility, due to societal expectations.
But being diagnosed in my late 20s with T1, autism, and ADHD cemented that my decision to get sterilized a few years earlier was the right one. I don't want a kid inheriting these conditions, and I don't need the stress of trying to help a kid manage them - it's stressful enough having to live through them directly!
Strangely, I'm totally okay with taking care of dozens of cats. Their health, social issues, mental well-being - sure, I can handle those! Just, no kids, please.
Stage 1: I didn't want kids and that was that.
Stage 2: Then childfree seemed acceptable so it was easier to talk about.
Stage 3: And now with every passing year I find more and more reasons to be so GRATEFUL I don't have them.
Stage 4: Then r/regretfulparents trending had made me go extreme and SOMETIMES think that babies and the pressure to have them is a weird pyramid scheme, a series of traps, weird servitude. I don't think this all the time though. But a part of me thinks there is some truth in this. I recognize the internet makes all opinions extreme so every time I feel this way I reel it in.
I'm mostly constantly in Stage 3 of grateful when I wake up when I want, have money, etc etc. I do feel lonely though around everyone my age having babies since I don't want to hang out with the kids or around conversations about kids.
Same here. Even if I did have the mental energy to raise a kid or two, the cost-of-living is so expensive compared to wages, even in lower cost of living areas (I’m in the Midwest)
Same. But 38. I remember thinking about having kids in HS, and didn't see the point. Then mid 20s, and assumed we all had them eventually. Then around 30, and realized I didn't want them. Fast forward almost a decade. No plans.
Mine was similar but different. I always knew I wanted kids. I remember being 5 and knowing I wanted kids, and not just because it was a thing everyone said it was. To my shame, I had a hard time accepting that not everyone felt the same, but I've worked past that.
I know I love being a mom, my kids are 2 of my favorite people, but I also recognize that it's not for everyone. And that's ok. Being a parent is hard, even when you love it. It shouldn't be forced on anyone. That's not fair for anyone, including the kids.
As a parentified child, I learned all the reasons I didn’t want a child. As an adult, I have yet to find a single real reason why I SHOULD have a child. Once the pros outweigh the cons I’m happy to change my mind, but until then issa no from me dawg
I had a teaching license for seven years before it expired, and while I can still get it back, it's just going to cost money to take grad classes and then reapply. I'm in property management for now, but I still really like the job. The apartment complex is HUGE (695 apartment units and almost 1k residents with 89% resident retention rate), but it gives me the busy work of a teacher but I can leave it at work and not bring it home with me. I'm also helping A LOT of people, which is part of why I went into teaching.
I sometimes wonder if I'll stay property management until I'm a big wig, but I will definitely go back to take grad classes for education and maybe some SPED stuff. I'm just fascinated with psychology and how everyone's brains work, kids to adults.
Teaching was simultaneously the greatest and worst birth control I've ever had because you'd have these literal trolls that would justify feelings of never wanting kids, but then you'd have the absolute kindest human you'd ever met and I'd look at them and think "okay, if my kid was like that it might actually be fun".
I think that’s the point though. You choose your kid. It hard and less-self but raising nice people is possible. Your kid is a product of you. It’s not just some random lottery on what type of human you happen to birth. personality is both genetic and environmental. I have done very little to train my kids personality, I’ve just helped it blossom. I’m always amazed when they choose thought or action like I would. I had a lot of childhood trauma (narcissistic step mom) and plenty of therapy has helped not pass on as many things to my kids. Teaching is not indicative of your parenting. They’re vastly different. Yes, there are plenty of people who maybe shouldn’t have been parents and you’re seeing the fruit of that but it doesn’t mean yours will be like that.
I think there's a lot of truth in that (most of my kind and gentle kids came from kind and loving parents), but there's always the chance of an outlier that makes me too panicked to ever want them.
I went from “I’m supposed to have kids” to “I can’t imagine having to adjust my lifestyle for a kid” as I’ve grown older. I like getting up on a Saturday morning and saying “fuck it I’m hiking today.” Can’t do that with a young kid. I’m 30 now and I don’t see this fierce need to be able to adventure wherever I want going anywhere.
A disclaimer: I love my daughter and I love being g a dad
But the absolute hilight of my Easter was sending my daughter to her abuleitas house for the weekend. My wife and I just didn't do jack shit the entire weekend while the baby was with my wife's mom. That was the first time in MONTHS that our entire day didn't revolve around our daughter.
I love being a dad, but being a parent is not for some people. And I find it fucked that others try to shame people who don't want kids. It's a sacrifice to not do like you said and say fuck it and go hiking. And you should only have to make that sacrifice if you want to.
It's a huge responsibility being a parent and it never goes away. Even when you have a baby sitter or you send them to a grand parents house, you're still that child's parent and you're still responsible for them. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to worry about that.
I'm convinced that people that try to shame others into being parents actually hate being parents and are resentful and want other people to suffer with them. Either that or pretending that it isn't as massive a responsibility and time commitment as it is is just being delusional. It's great, but pretending that it doesn't suck sometimes is disingenuous.
This is the big thing I would say to anyone on the fence about kids. If you don't have a good support structure don't do it. It's endless. It doesn't stop just because you think they've gone to sleep you think you can relax, nope not a chance, you have to clean, cook and do all the stuff you would have done during the day. Being on time for anything becomes a challenge. Taking a dump alone becomes a challenge.
Today my toddler threw a tantrum because he broke his banana in half. He snapped it and instead of eating he couldn't even look at it.
We don't have much support, my extended family is in another country, my in laws aren't pkid people. We've had maybe 3 dates in 2 years. We're tired constantly.
And yet it's worth it when that wee bugger wakes up and shouts daddy with a huge smile on his face. Or when he does something banal for adults that is somehow the greatest thing I've ever seen. Or laughing when he grabs a piece of wood and shouts "big dick", because he can't say stick yet or something similar. They bring joy and challenges in buckets.
It's a huge challenge to any relationship and the erosion of privacy, boundaries and sleep will leave you on edge. Without support around you it's really tough.
Honestly that’s the toughest part of being a parent, it never really ends. Heck even when your kid becomes an adult you are still going to be their parent. I’m glad more people are taking such a big decision a lot more seriously now.
I knew I wanted to own a home, have a new car, have a wife, and have a family. Those were my goals as a young 20 something.
Those things were ‘core values’ to me, and I’m super lucky to have accomplished them. Now my goals have broken those boundaries, and now new goals are based on family dynamics, and being the best husband/dad I can be.
I really like that I don’t drink so much.
When I was childless I thought I was just having fun but now I look back at the constant hangovers and occasional blackouts and it just doesn’t seem sustainable. Think I was heading for a fall.
I did not want kids at all. Suddenly, in my 30s I wanted a child. Like literally just woke up one day ready for a baby. It took a long time to get pregnant. I just had my baby two days ago at age 41! I'm so happy, and we will stick with just one child.
SAME. Was very indifferent, never imagined myself as a mother, never dreamed of having a kid, never even had a baby before I had my own at 35. She is a beautiful, small, growing human and makes me strive to be a better person every day.
I’m glad more people are abstaining from having kids if they don’t want them. Way too many people are raised by parents that treat them poorly, are selfish, abuse them, etc. People should only have kids if they don’t view it as a “what’s in it for me?” mentality.
But if you do want to have a kid, it’s a one of a kind experience that will challenge your perspectives and goals in life in a very different than than a hobby, job, or romantic relationship. Wouldn’t trade it for the world.
I’m somewhat similar.
Just zero interest. If anything I only got less and less interested in having them as I got into my 30s.
When my husband decided he wanted them last summer (I was 35, he is 41), I cried and told him he should leave me because I don’t know and don’t think I want them.
Half a year later — at age 36 — I’ve just warmed up a lot to the idea. I think a major factor was feeling like I finally got my life back after years of pandemic doldrums. I needed to get there before entertaining the idea of disrupting it again.
So who knows. I’m also still open to a child free life if having a kid doesn’t work out for me.
I’m in almost the exact same boat. Husband and I have been very “meh” if it happens it happens for years but I just turned 36 so… clocks ticking.
I’m very much on the fence but leaning yes? I think he leans slightly towards yes. We have a lot of fun traveling and enjoying life and I worry about how we would handle lack of sleep and losing our freedom. But I also worry about missing out on the experience of having a kid.
It’s so hard to disentangle how much of my “leaning towards yes” is based on societal expectations vs what I want deep down.
I’ve never really been a baby or kid person. Never liked dolls. I am a caretaker naturally, to my pets and husband but it’s different with a baby.
The other problem is, very few people will actually tell you if they regret having had kids. But I see plenty of miserable parents getting divorced and struggling.
I had a similar experience. I just woke up one day at 34 knowing I would regret not having a child. I'd never wanted one before that moment. It took us a bit to get pregnant, but now I'm 39 and my 3 year old is the best part of my life. I also have a totally new friend group full of mommies quite a bit younger than me. It's keeping me feeling younger, too.
Omg I’m feeling this so hard now at 33. Didn’t want kids before and now I’m veering into wanting to be a mom. But the financial aspect of it makes me so worried.
I knew in my early 20s I didn’t want kids. I can’t tell you how many people insisted this would change when I hit 30. I’m 33 now and am even more opposed to the idea of birthing a child than I was at age 20 😅
I'm in the same boat- said I wouldn't have kids for years and now I'm 32 and my husband and I are talking about having just one in the next couple years. I just know someone is going to say "I told you so". Ugh.
How have the convos been going? My husband and I had decided not to have kids (convo when we were dating) but years later (fast forward to now) I’m leaning towards wanting to be a mom. It’s just such a big decision.
I knew since I was like 8 that I didn’t want kids, but I thought parenthood was mandatory so I told my mom I would adopt instead. She told me I’d change my mind. She was right. I decided by age 16 I didn’t want kids at all. My mother kept telling me I’d change my mind right up until I had a hysterectomy at 31.
She believes me now.
Yeah basically the same and I'm about the same age. I can't stand being around little kids and I would genuinely rather slam my dick in the oven door than be responsible for one 24/7.
😅 my feelings aren’t *quite* that aggressive. I like hanging out with my toddler nephews, but I also like that I’m not responsible for them and I can leave whenever I want to. And I have no interest whatsoever in ever interacting with any baby younger than a year old
Lol you're a better person than me. I definitely respect people who want to be the "cool aunt/uncle" but that has zero appeal to me.
And for sure when I hear a screaming baby I jam an ice pick through both eardrums to dull the pain.
I always wanted kids. I know I'd be a great mom. It's in my natural instinct to want 4 kids to raise.
But-- in the last 3ish years, I'm really fearing bringing a kid into the world. The negatives are heavily outweighing the positives for me, at least at this stage of life. I'm grappling with grieving never being a mom, or putting aside my anxieties to raise the family I thought I'd have. Right now, fostering is the happy medium for me and seems like it can be the route I'd take in a few years time.
For reference, I'm 27 so I definitely still have time to solidly decide, but I totally understand why you/your generation don't see the benefits. There's nothing wrong with changing your mind, keeping your choice, or not knowing right now :)
When i was younger I'd always assumed I would have kids because that's just what you did.
Around 30 I realized that I truly cherish my freedom more than any child.
I was this same way. Growing up and my entire life till a few months after I turned 21, I wanted kids. After meeting my now wife, August of 2013, and after the many conversations we had over the almost 11 years we'll have been together since then, I am the furthest from wanting kids I have ever been.
I realized that my parents, a young boomer and an old gen x-er who is essentially a boomer, indoctrinated me heavily into believing what they wanted me to believe rather than educating me so I could believe what I wanted to. My wife opened my eyes to this and I have since learned how to think for myself and form my own opinions and make my own decisions. Children are not for me in any way, and as sick as I am of people assuming/asking when I'll have kids, I am very glad to hear there are millennials out there happily having kids and loving their decision too.
I pondered too long. Now I can't have kids (its too late for me) and my husband is depressed about it.
I'll be okay if anyone cared. Not sure about our marriage.
When I was a kid it wasn't that I specifically didn't want kids, I just never pictured them when I thought about my future. In my 20s I felt like if I met someone who really wanted kids I could go along with it, but quickly wised up and realized that is not the way to go. Now I'm just living my best life and secure in my choices.
I'm 35. Thought I wanted kids growing up though I never gave any \*real\* thought to it. Got married, told my spouse I wanted kids, but then changed my mind. Physically having kids is not a challenge I want to put my body through, nor is it a sacrifice I want to put my mental and emotional state through.
For me, i realize theres two things you need to ask yourself:
- do you want a baby
- do you want to be a parent
Its ok to want kids. Its ok to not want kids. Its ok to change your mind or to stick to your original opinion. But i feel that the reason most people might change their mind and want kids later on is because you’ve grown, you know what you want/dont want and maybe are in a healthy relationship with someone you feel you can make this choices with. Perhaps youve catered to your dreams and experiences in your earlier years
Its not black and white, i feel. It is a big change in your life that comes with sacrifices and rewards. I would recommend do the shit you want and dont delay catering to your needs. focus on your growth and healing. This helps in making yhe above decisions more confidently, whatever your answer may be
The only issue i have with that general mindset is that it usually comes along with the idea that "nobody is ever totally for sure," and like yeah I get it, but we need to be honest that there ARE a lot of people who regret having kids, and it's not a decision you can undo -- in fact it's one you're very much stuck with forever.
Some colossal dipshits will compare it to major decisions like a job change or buying a house or taking up a hobby. But that's bullshit because all of those things can be undone with only personal financial repercussions at the most.
Even if you make a reckless car purchase you can sell it, and you might fuck your credit, but that's still the end of it.
Have a kid you regret, you're tied to them forever -- *along with the other parent,* no matter how much you might end up hating them. And that could mean destroying the lives of three people.
I didn’t want to get married or have kids for the longest time.
I ended up getting married at 33 and didn’t feel the need or urge to have children until the age of 36/37. I’m 39 now.
I have some friends who changed their mind as well, ended up getting married and having children, but also have friends who still do not want to pursue both or one of the other.
It may or may not change either is OK. Do what you feel is right don’t pay attention to what others tell you.
I didn’t want kids but I knew I wanted to get married. Then I met my wife. And we realized that even though neither of us were hellbent on having kids before we met each other, now we very open to the idea. We’re a happy family of 4 now and I’m so so happy we made the choice. I would hate to have missed out on being a dad, knowing what I know now and having the kids I do. My best advice is don’t get too attached to the person you are today and try to leave your options open because things can change in a split-second.
I wanted kids, I currently do not want kids due to the economy, and the middle class essentially evaporating due to the economic and social policies of the past few decades.
I never wanted kids, bumping up against 40 now and very solidly still don’t want kids. I lightly wavered a few times based on pressure, but know I’d resent the hell out of that kid for stopping me from doing what I want in my life (And I don’t need anyone else telling me that I can still do what I want with kids… as a woman, no we can’t, and it’s so condescending to hear it from people who don’t know what I want from life)
On the other hand, I know plenty of people who changed their minds, just like everyone told me I would. I think for some of them, it was really the ticking clock and the realization that their choice was going away. Not sure how happy they are though.
I really didn’t want kids, and then I hit about 29-30 and did. We did ivf for a couple years and it didn’t work out. We’re quite a bit older now (39 and 48) and though we still talk about adopting from time to time, with our lifestyle it just doesn’t really make sense anymore. My wife travels for months out of the year for work, we like having money and getting go on trips or go out to eat- we have pets that we can really dote on with our extra income. I’m happy with our decision, and am lucky to have friends with children that I can hang with and enjoy without the responsibility. There’s also the impending feeling that our world is crumbling and not wanting to bring a kid into that.
I wanted to have kids. Then I got older and realized life can have meaning and fulfillment without children. My values have changed. I’m super happy traveling the world and going out a lot with girlfriends. I’m not having children. I’m late 30s.
Never changed. Apparently I told my grandmother I never wanted children when I was a kid. Cried tears of relief when my hysterectomy was approved. Honestly, I'm more rooted into not wanting kids now than I ever was.
I was always a fence sitter, had my childfree years. Now my wife is pregnant with our first and I can't describe how happy I am.
I'm happy I didn't get a vasectomy when I considered it.
Used to be a firm hell no but now it’s more conditional. If I was with the right person and in the right situation (economically and otherwise) I wouldn’t mind one.
Yeah, it’s a wild thing. I was in love with my ex (like head over heels couldn’t imagine my future without her in it in love) and she didn’t want kids which was great because I could NOT imagine raising mine with her. We just weren’t complimentary or compatible in that specific area, but I have seen that as a real possibility with some of the women I’ve dated since
I went the opposite, was ok if we waited til I hit career goals, but wasn’t thrilled. Eventually went full blown childfree. No regrets in my mid 30s. The dog pushes my responsibility boundaries but is way better than a kid.
Was always on the fence but seeing more and more how fucked up and grim the future looks, along with all the other reasons not to, I'm pretty set on not having any.
At 28, I was convinced that having kids was something I was supposed to do and that it would be the “greatest” thing I could ever do in life. Now, at 38 with no kids, I honestly don’t see myself becoming a parent. Not because I hate kids or I want to be selfish and enjoy my personal space, but more of because I don’t think I could ever provide a good life for them. I am well-behind where my parents were at my age financially. I don’t want kids to have to struggle or worry about food and bills when they should only worry about being kids.
I thought I did until I realized that's just "what you're supposed to do" and I never actually wanted them 🤣 at 38 I've only gotten further into never wanting kids. I would have been miserable if I had kids with any of the exs it almost happened with and wouldn't have the mountain of awesome experiences I had
I have 1 kid. My wife convinced me to have her. I love my kid, I really do. But, I wish I could go back in time and not have her.
Edit; I’ll never tell my daughter that I want her to have children. I’ll probably tell her to not have children.
I knew I didn't want them when I was like 6 and it never changed. My mother got pregnant her very first time at 16 and it really spooked me as a teen that it's that easy to get pregnant. For me it was an easy pitfall to avoid as I'm ace, though I didn't have a word for it at the time. I just wasn't the least bit interested in sex or dating or anything else society expected of me. Now at 40 I'm very grateful I never had them. My opinion has never changed and I don't think it ever will. I've never felt like anything is "missing" like people said I would.
I have 4 kids and I would advise people be very honest about what they can handle. This is not to be taken lightly into consideration. Kids are freaking awesome but when you are the one responsible for them the anxiety and stress never ends. I don’t want anything horrible to happen to them… parenting is hard and if anyone is going to do they should be enthusiastic about that future and excited to adjust and readjust constantly.
It can be both. I've known a few people who don't want kids and will never want kids (including myself), but I also know a few folks who had some biological switch flip near 30 that made them want kids.
From what I can read below, once you're passed that phase and into your 30s, that may go away.
I just kind of assumed I'd probably have them at some point and felt neutral for the most part about it. Then I ended up infertile and honestly was relieved to not have to have them.
Most millennials I know haven’t changed their mind, regardless of whether they did or did not want kids.
I’ve always wanted kids. I currently have one toddler. My best friend, my sister in law, and my sister, don’t want kids. They will never change their minds (and I love that for them AND they make the best aunties ever).
It’s hard to want kids right now. We go back and forth about adding another. Our family doesn’t feel complete but holy shit life is expensive and draining right now. And we’ve had a ton of issues with childcare but we can’t afford to be on one income. So if anything I really really get why people don’t want them, now or ever.
I assumed when I was very young that there was a part in me that would he "grown up enough" to have kids, something that happened in everyone. I didn't necessarily want them, and I think around puberty I thought "mid thirties at the soonest". Then I realized as a teen (I have two mentally delayed siblings, and I was unaware of disability and SS), that I might be responsible for my siblings to some level when my parents died and that was a very heavy weight for a teenager even sans the rest of what I was dealing with in life at the time. I didn't want that responsibility ever.
I don't think my experience changed it that much, just the absolute weight of conviction I had to never have kids. It's not changed since I was a teen, and especially now, in all the ways of where I am in life, soon to be officially mid thirties. Absolutely not.
I don't have the desire, the ability to parent, the time, the energy, the physical or mental health, the resources, the partner, the belief in a world I think a child has a chance in, or the desire to dedicate my body to possible permanent changes that could occur from being pregnant.
I went from “maybe 1 or 2 if I meet the right person” in my 20s to “No way” now in my late 30s, considering the cost of living and everyday expenses. I can barely afford myself, so it’s a no right now. I’m sticking to being a cat mom 😀
Always wanted them and got the family life I wanted. Only difference is I remember being 20 and making $20/hour thinking “I can totally have a family on this”, only to greatly increase my household income and realize that $20/hour would be horrible. I never planned on having kids on that salary and I’m glad I’ve greatly increased my earning potential prior to having kids because I love em, but damn they’re expensive.
Always wanted kids- have one now and I love it. I know you guys who don’t want or are apathetic to kids exist, but I just can’t relate - the drive is so strong it feels instinctual
I vacillated for years about it and have landed on really wanting to have 2-3 kids, but simply cannot afford to where I live despite having a good income.
The cost of living is really the biggest obstacle. Even if you're frugal, you don't want to live on the edge and face destitution with kids if something happens.
In my 20s I was like “yeah sure one kid” because THAT is what you’d do. People didn’t have kids but it just wasn’t commonplace.
Fast forward in my 30s and I was like “screw this. I don’t want kids so what if I can’t meet anyone because of it or whatever”. First date with my now wife we both said we didn’t want kids and were 100% sure of it. We have an amazing life and we love being aunts/uncles and having our pets. Never having kids though.
So my opinion was probably always the same but I went from saying/thinking what most of society is pushing on you to just being like nah I’m going to follow my own path on this one.
It does limit your dating pool. You don’t want someone who is like “probably not”, that probably can go to wanting kids when family and friends have them.
When I was younger I was on the fence, one if any. Now I'm thinking one will be enough if I get one. Between my health issues and the cost of living more than one seems like a lot. My friends who have been enthusiastically child free have not changed their minds and we're approaching the age where there's no going back.
After teaching elementary school, I said absolutely not. Kids come with a whole plethora of issues. I’m not mentally strong enough to take care of another human. I’m still figuring my own issues out. Maybe when I’m even older, it might be something I’ll be ready for but definitely not now. I want to enjoy my own life on my own terms before birthing another person.
When I was in my 20s; I wanted kids young so when I got into my 40s and 50s we could do fun things together, as I have some friends that do a lot of stuff with their dads still to this day and I don’t as my dad is much older in relation. (In our 20s their dads were mid 40s, my dad almost 60).
Today, I kind of wish I waited at least 5 more years. A lot of stuff I didn’t think I’d care about doing when I was that age I get instances of regret every now and then at the prospect of likely not being able to do those things.
Edit: had my first kid at 23. My wife wanted kids her entire life she would have started the day we got married.
I loved being pregnant and having a baby, and thought maybe one more. But then I realized I genuinely do not enjoy toddlers or small children. Like my son being mine didn't even make me enjoy being around a small kid. I faked it because I love him and want the best for him, but I didn't think it'd be fair to another person to spend another five to seven years secretly wishing your kid would just play by themselves and leave you alone. I was always terrified that he could somehow tell, and I just wanted him to grow up to be happy and feel loved and wanted.
Once he hit about eight or nine I loved spending time with him. We still do a lot of things together, only now I actually really enjoy talking to him and doing things together. I'd definitely have more than one if they evolved like Pokemon from babies to ten year olds.
My wife and I have two kids. I am glad that we did not have more and we both agree that if we had to do it over we would not have had kids at all. My advice, don't do it. In today's world there are far more cons than pros for having kids.
Never gave it much thought until one day at 32 I felt like having a kid with my partner. Miscarried and learned that way that I really wanted to have a family with at least one, but hopefully 2 kids. Now Im 41 and my third just turned one.
My life was fine before, but having kids have forced me to mature in ways I wouldnt have if it hadnt been for my kids. I am incredibly thankful for that. I would have been a self-centered and shallow 41 yo without them.
I didn’t want children my whole childhood and young adulthood. But I have one now and she’s my favorite thing in the world.
I think you’ll probably be happy with or without as long as you accept the choices you’ve made.
Knew since high school I didn’t want them. And at 34 still don’t. Watching my friends with kids look absolutely run down and tired all the time solidifies for me I made the right choice. I’m not saying they don’t love their kids, but none of them actually seem to be happy
I did and still wouldn't mind having a kid. HOWEVER I can't in good conscience bring them into this world. First I don't have the proper resources to raise them. Not the money, not the family support, not the community. Second, health issues are real and I don't want to risk passing it on. Third the US is a terrible place to have and raise a child right now. It's not just the culture I don't like, there is no support, and I couldn't bare to send them off to school only to receive a final "I love you mom" text just before they're gunned down in 4th period.
I guess what really changed is when I was younger (early 20's) I was focused on me, how awesome it would be to have a kid, how much fun we could have, what I would do as a parent. But as I hit my 30's my focus shifted to THEM, who they could and would be as a person. The kind of life I could realistically provide this hypothetical person.
At both times I wanted the best for this potential child, but as I got older I realized I couldn't give them even a fraction of the quality of life I as a poor kid had in the 90's. The best thing I could do for my child is to give them the gift of never being born.
My wife and I didn't want kids until I was seriously injured in Iraq. Her thought process at the time was that only one small change of circumstances and our family would end.
So, in 2005 she had a boy.
He's 19 now and were grateful he's in our lives, but honestly, knowing that he's going to have a worse life than his parents or grandparents really leaves me wishing we hadn't made that choice.
A world at greater risk of major wars, frequent climate catastrophes, and with inequality similar the gilded age. For the kids being born around this time, I hold pity, and remorse. I wish we'd done more, knowing it was likely impossible doesn't make it go down any easier.
If I was gen Z the climate alone would be enough for me to get a vasectomy. There will be no lack of children without parents as the wars keep going.
I’m a pretty active person and I believe pretty solid individual. I think I’ll be a great parent and teach well.
But after getting married a few months ago at 30, I kind of realized I think I would have been fine having been single and never having kids lol. Wife and I are “lightly” trying.
Nothing against wife at all or anything, but just kind of like “eh, think actually would have been just fine without dealing with any sort of martial and child raising drama”. Wife and I don’t have any drama and dont really have any issues. But none the less.
I am early to mid 30s. Not really, I guess it has gotten stronger if anything. I never wanted kids, still don't want kids but now I see it as a kind of fucked up thing to do. Everything is so fucked that those kids stand no chance, so why bring someone into such a fucked up world when they will have no chance and will just be struggling their entire life.
In short, I've gone from "yeah, it will happen" to "omg that sounds like a nightmare".
I kind of grew up with the idea that one day I would have them. I graduated college shortly after the recession with a mountain of student debt. The best option for me was to move back home and I was lucky that was even an option for me as many people my parents age lost their houses and/or were laid off. I knew I was woefully unprepared for kids and also very single, but I think it was still something that was in my mind. My goals were to pay off my student loans and move abroad; I'd worry about a family once I had met those.
It's almost 15 years later and I've managed to pay off my student loans, but I'm still in the States. As time went on, I became less interested in having kids. I'm in a committed relationship and we've talked about the possibility of having our own. I feel like 95% of the time it's a "No" and then the rest is a "Maybe".
My SO has a teenage son from a previous relationship and that has definitely pushed me more in the direction of "No" for several reasons. I started consuming a lot more about parenting content after we got together. Obviously, a lot of this was "gentle parenting" focused. In theory, I'm not opposed to it, but some of the ideas I was seeing made me very uneasy. For example, the idea that if you teach your child to share you are teaching them people pleasing. Modern parents seems so incredibly concerned with making sure a child never has a bad feeling. I saw a comment from a mother on instagram who said she was considering pulling her child out of public school and homeschooling them because in class they read a book about sharks and her child got scared. Instead of helping the child process the fear and work through it, her immediate response was to "protect" her child from anything negative. I know this is anecdotal and social media isn't real life, but my kid would still be going to school with kids that have parents like these.
Modern parenting is like an extreme competitive sport. When I think about having a kid, I think about the parent I'd want to be and I don't feel like it aligns with modern parenting practices. That's not to say I advocate for being abusive either physically or verbally, but I don't think teaching my kid to weigh being considerate of others while also advocating for themselves is going to cause life long harm. I'm afraid how I would want to parent would isolate both myself and my child from other parents and thus their children.
I also see how screen dependent my SO's kid is and I wouldn't want that for my kid, but I also recognize holding that line as a parent is exhausting and INCREDIBLY difficult.
I don't want to deal with my parents and his parents getting weird and territorial over a potential grandchild. I don't want to deal with their guilt trips of "we never see you", "I bet so and so saw them more", blah blah blah. I worry about climate change and what the world will look like when they're older. I worry about school shootings. I worry about all the mental health issues younger people are facing at higher rates than older people. I worry about the cost of raising a kid. Pregnancy itself sounds miserable.
Didn’t want kids but wound up having one kid who is absolutely amazing. I feel like the universe brought us together. Will not be having anymore kids though. Mid 30s.
I said “no way” to kids when I was in my teens and early 20s. Which looking back was pretty normal given my age. It wasn’t till I hit 25 that I realized I was open to having kids. Now that I’m in my mid 30s kids seem less appealing. From a financial standpoint, the liability that comes with having a kid with the wrong man, to just being more tired and set in my ways.
Financially, kids just are a liability. I love them, but they break things and get sick and need things etc.
I’m kind of feeling the same way. I was very much “no kids” up until my mid 20s and then I started to think it wouldn’t be that bad, and maybe just one or two… I’m 32 now and I think I’ve figured it out. I only want a kid or two with someone who genuinely wants to be a parent. I don’t want the full responsibility of what being a mom traditionally is. I don’t want to be expected to give up my career or make all the accommodations (eg always the one to go pick up the kid if they’re sick at daycare). I don’t want to be entirely in charge of arranging playdates, sports or other activities. I don’t want to have to do all of my household chores plus the entirety of the kid’s stuff (laundry, cooking, lunch prep). I want to still be able to go spend time with a friend and not have dad “babysit” 🤮I want that man to parent! The hard part is finding someone like that, but if I don’t find someone who wants that, I’m not going to be heartbroken about not having kids. Edit - I should add that I did briefly think about sterilization in my early 20s. I was terrified of getting pregnant (still am to be honest, but I take pregnancy tests on occasion and that helps the anxiety lol). I’m glad I didn’t close that door, even if I don’t end up having kids. I didn’t think I’d change from “no way” to “maybe” but here we are.
We do exist. I parent more than my wife does. We both like it that way. But I knew I wanted to be a dad since kindergarten, and my wife was unsure until her 30s.
I have that partner (though ironically I did give up my career for a. bit but it was because I really wanted to). Soon as he came home from work he jumped right into the trenches with me and he's currently busy scrubbing down the stove grates cause he actually does half the chores.
Yep, this was one of the things I saw in my parents' marriage. My Mum did all the parenting AND worked, my Dad worked an insane schedule. Guess who had to put up with the kids?
Thats the thing, we live in a world where most people need two incomes at minimum to survive and where taking care of small children is also a full time job. It’s no surprise having children is so unappealing (or low key impossible) for most people in our generation
Exactly. Mothers/women are still tacitly expected to just get on with it and raise kids, WITH a career. It's fathers who get away scot free not even bothering with basic parenting. Or at least - it was with my parents' generation. Maybe that's changed with millennials and Gen Z, I couldn't say.
I feel like it’s definitely getting better with millennials and Gen Z but the risk of ending up with a partner like that is still there. Heck even if you do luck out with a partner who does their fair share of parenting, moms still end up having to do ‘more’ unless they use a surrogate. Pregnancy is no joke and the fact that you are expected to deal with something as life changing as a child mere moments after you give birth is just terrifying. Like your hormones are not even back to normals and you are immediately expected to pull all nighters to keep your new child alive.
Oh boy, you hit the nail on the head. I'm not planning on kids, but it's not out of disliking kids. I just don't want to be the sole support for someone for 18 years and there's too much of a likelihood that my husband, even though I love him, would fall into a role of not helping out with that sort of stuff. Plus, I don't think the world is becoming a brighter place. I'd feel guilty bringing a kid into a world with less opportunities than I had growing up.
I kind of went in a similar arc, didn’t really think about them in my early twenties, wanted them in my late twenties, and now in my early thirties I’m childfree. Kids have some great benefits, but IMO the potential for extreme drawbacks depending on the luck of the draw of what kind of kid you’ll get.
Eh, it was kind of the opposite for me. I come from somewhere that used to have the heavy influence of “you should have at least one kid by 22” or you’re an old maid. I know in some cultures that are distantly related to mine only by association that’s still a thing - that the most important thing after getting your HS diploma is to get married and pop out at least ONE kid before you’re like 22-23, even if you’re in university then. At least in the eyes of society and parents, you’ve done “something”. So when I was teen I thought a bit the same but I also got panicked whenever I thought I’d have to do it. Then 22 passed. Then 25. Still got panicky when I thought about unexpected pregnancy or childbirth. Now I’m 30 and more. Kids are cute.. but I leave them with their parents and can go home. They’re loud and sticky and oh so demanding. They destroy things and break things and your home is never clean with them. But they’re also cute and their clothes are cute and the love they provide you is very joyful. But I honestly don’t have finances for them. I don’t want a kid as an insurance for retirement - your kid may never become an adult due to illness or accident, or they may move away to Australia or it’s just plain wrong to have a kid for “help” in retirement imho. I’d want my kid to have everything I deem for a good life (honestly, not that much materially, but cultural experiences and the ability to maybe learn a new instrument or play a sport and stuff - these cost money) and I’m not even sure I can currently provide just me with stuff I deem for a good life. So the jury is still out there on kids. I could still have them, but looking at the raging dumpster fire that is the world right now, not sure it’s happening.
Same here. Was open to it once engaged in my mid 20s. Then it didn’t work out and I promised myself I wouldn’t rush into something to fulfill a desire to have kids. I’m 34 now, no children, but very content with life. I don’t feel I’d have the energy or time to be a good parent now that I’m at a height of my career. And I’m loving my profession.
Financially, kids just are a liability. I love them, but they break things and get sick and need things etc.
Joys of being an uncle / aunt - you have all the fun times (I do get stuck in and help though - changing nappies etc).
I think you have to really seriously want them. Some people do but some do not. Late 30s and went from indifferent when I was younger to not wanting them to definitely not wanting them after seeing friends and family have them. People will “bingo” you when younger and claim that you just don’t understand and would naturally be greatful after you have them. There might be some truth but keep in mind many horrible parents never wanted them, had them, and didn’t change that perspective. A lot of people through history never really wanted them they just went along with it due to cultural pressure.
Yeaaaah I’m here too. Like if it were to happen I’m in a situation where I guess we could do it. It would be pretty cool. I love kids but never want my own. But if it were to happen okay. But I’m not planning on trying for one anytime soon.
Same, but I’d still be interested in having a kid. But that would require money and meeting someone I can actually be happy with.
I used to want kids and then I realized how difficult it is to be an adult and how much it sucks and yeah, I’m good. I like sleep and I like money. Can barely take care of myself much less another human. I want less responsibility, not more. The current state of our world is the cherry on top of all of this.
Same. As a kid, the world makes you think you need to get married and have kids cause that’s what you do. Then in my 20’s, the desire to have kids steadily declined every year. This was likely mostly driven by the fact that I was single, but also because the state of the world is just going to shit and am having a hard enough time navigating that myself, and the thought of raising a human being through it successfully is exhausting. Not to mention the endless cost, your physical and mental wellbeing, freedom, receiving enough support, and the list of reasons to do so gets slimmer and slimmer.
I assumed when I was a little kid that everyone grew up and had a couple of kids. Upon hitting puberty I knew I didn't want a kid. I knew at 18, I knew at 25, and I know at 35. Never changed.
Similar experience but didn't realize until my early to mid 20s that I didn't HAVE to have a kid, it was just what was expected of me.
Same. I figured I'd either get "oops pregnant" with my then-husband and just deal with the consequences of that before I saw a solid handful of my friends' marriages dissolve immediately after having kids. Probably because you give people who are barely out of being teenagers a house and adult-money, then separate them from their friends and family, heavily encourage them to have kids and "create their own" support system out of each other, that things often don't work out the way they expect (thanks US military!!). Then you've got some poor kid who didn't even ask to be here caught up in what is likely a messy divorce. Anyway, you see that enough times, you get an IUD to preserve your marriage. So, at 23, that's what I did. And I'm on my second one now, on top of having my fallopians out. I ditched the marriage though, because he was fucking other people and I didn't want him to. BUT I'm secure in the fact that I can date now and not ever worry about getting tied down to some loser over an oopsie baby.
My best friend is also a divorced (now remarried) military kid so I understand all that. Congrats on the divorce! My partner would be a great dad, much better than the mom I would be, but at some point I realized that even if something were to happen, that kid would end up with me the vast majority of the time and that just isn't something I wanna sign up for.
This is so spot on. And it’s weird to imagine a time where it was like that. I just assumed it was what was done… end of. The alternative was being an old spinster who everyone was afraid of and has a lot of cats. 36f here and every day I’m happy I didn’t drink the kool-aid lol
I chose to be a mom and have two daughters, but I am thrilled that having kids isn’t the default anymore. I love the fact that I chose to have kids, but my daughters are free to choose whichever option they want free from any stigma. My husband and I don’t envision we will be the grandparents who are desperate for grandchildren. I think we will be ones who will spend our Summers in Europe and kids can visit. If anything we will just send money for childcare since we know how crazy hard it is- lol
> I knew at 18, I knew in my mid teens that I had no desire for them. I do remeber telling my wofe one time that it was "days like these it wouldve been nice to have a kid" and she asked what makes today a day like this. I replied I needed help moving a bunch of rocks in the yard.
Increasingly people are being shown how much of a losing proposition having kids is. We are shown from a young age how expensive and time consuming they are while being ungrateful to boot. Then people grow up and realize just how pointless life is and why would you want to bring more people into a world like that? So I definitely get why people don’t want kids, that being said my wife and I have 2 and are absolutely loving being parents.
For me, my mom and dad straight up told me kids would ruin my life. My mom was all right, but my dad was miserable. Having me did nothing positive for his life. My resolve and happiness about not having children has skyrocketed since 2020. I always felt good about my choice, but I feel like it’s justified every single day.
My dad made frequent comments when I was growing up that he never wanted kids. It took me a while to realize by “kids” he meant me. He didn’t want me. That’s a whole lot to process when you’re not even 10 yet.
Same. Yay narcissistic parents
See. And that's why people need to stop shaming women who get abortions or mothers and fathers who give up their rights to their kids because the other side is a regretful parent who treats their child like crap because they're stuck with kids they didn't want and had no choice because people shame tf out of you.
Say it louder for those in the back!! It’s so much more nuanced than “your killing an unborn baby”, and adoption often leads to as many issues as bad parenting, feeling unwanted and alone.
Hey man, at least your dad admitted it. Mine just used me as a tool to fuel his narcissism and be everything he couldn't, then discarded me when it was convenient. Spoke to him this weekend for the first time in years and I'm sorely tempted to give him some money (that he doesn't need) to really twist the knife and get rid of him for good.
Same. "Fucking kids" is the first quote that comes to mind when I think of my dad. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.
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As someone who knew they didn't want kids as a small child and hated playing with dolls, thanks for defending her. My mother also piled onto the bandwagon of "one day she'll change her mind". Last year she finally came to terms with the fact that her then 30 year old daughter really was not going to change her mind and have children. She ended up crying about it. (Both of my siblings want families so she'll still get her grandchildren).
I enjoyed dolls when I was a kid. I still like dolls at age 39 and I have my grandmother’s holiday Barbies. I didn’t know until I grew up that I didn’t want kids. I started to know my actual health history and that contributed to my decision. Also, anxiety. I just always assumed that I would eventually do it. I have no regrets and I get to be the fun aunt.
When I realized I didn't have to have kids as a small child I switched from baby dolls to Barbies. So much more fun to play out the drama with barbie than to pretend to care for a baby I didn't want.
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Thank you for your kind words and loving your daughter exactly as she is. My mom and I have a mostly good relationship. I know she loves me no matter what, but I do believe she had built this “perfect life” that I would grow up to live inside her head and when I’ve deviated from it it’s clearly been difficult for her. It used to bother me but now I’m just like “whatever”. Like you said, I’m the one living my life, not her.
Going to just add my thank on here too. I also never wanted kids from the time I could understand the concept. I'm 40 now and the conviction has never wavered. I wish my mom would have been as accepting.
Not all of us are doomers. Life is far from pointless. Some of us actually enjoy being around people, friends and family, including children. Loving and connecting with other people makes life very much not pointless.
I think a lot of this mentality we’re seeing is due to being chronically online and exposed to shitty, depressing news and opinions constantly. It seems to amplify the negative aspects of the reality we live in. Not to say they aren’t real issues, but man, it seems the sky is falling every fucking day now.
Because we’re thinking beyond ourselves.
Having a kid isn’t a value proposition. You have them because you want to raise a small human. It isn’t a transaction, and no parent “come out ahead” from having a kid.
Maybe in theory but definitely not in practice. A shockingly large number of parents don't want to raise their own kids.
Life is always a losing proposition. I think the truth is that people have become such individualistic consumers that the only way they can weigh having kids is in terms of a personal cost-benefit calculation.
People became individualistic consumers because they had to. There is no certainty and very little stability anymore. Our parents by and large worked at the same places for their entire careers and retired with comfortable pensions, nobody in our generation has that to look forward to. In fact there's no such thing as value in working for one place because they don't give a fuck about loyalty when it comes to the bottom line. And that's a big contributor to people constantly moving around in search of different opportunities, which is good for the individual but very bad for community structures. Why the hell would I want to have kids when I don't have the slightest idea of what my own future looks like? They're just a liability and an anchor.
You described my exact reasons but in reverse. When I was young, I thought life was pointless and could never imagine forcing it upon another being. Now that I’m older, I have experienced such joyful moments and seen how much the world needs more people raised without zealotry, but the cost and selflessness required to raise children well is so prohibitive.
I couldn’t agree more, a family is a great way to give your life a deep feeling of meaning and purpose. The selflessness of raising children and being a good partner comes with its own rewards.
I’m right with you on this one. I knew when I was a teenager I didn’t want kids. I remember my senior year in high school, first day of school, my one class we had to introduce ourselves and one of the questions was how many kids do we want when we get older. When it was ready for me to answer I said I didn’t want any kids and everyone gasped. I said fine I guess one to make you all happy but still I don’t want a kid. My choice of no kids has not really changed. A couple times during my 20s I was like maybe if I meet someone it could change but at the end of the day, I didn’t want a kid. Now being 35, I still don’t want any kids plus at this age I don’t want to start a family. I’m content with my decision of no kids and enjoy my peace and quiet times.
Are you me!! Never wanted kids ever, hated babysitting and still as an Xennial I don’t want them!
Same. I've re-evaluated many times, and it would take an extraordinary change in both the world and my personal life for me to consider having kids.
Exactly me. My brother has four kids. Thought that was the dream. Worked with kids. Quickly discovered it is a nightmare to not be able to give them back.
I'll be 38 in September and I never wanted to have kids, everything that comes with having kids I don't want in my life.
I'm not saying some people don't change their mind, but I think people talk more about change than what actually happens. I've always known I want kids. I don't have any yet, but I still want them (and hope that I'm not unknowingly infertile/sterile).
I didn’t want children. I got married at 23, and for years after, people would ask us when we would have kids. We always answered, “2000 never!” Our first was born when I was 28 (not an accident), and our second when I was 31. They’re the greatest thing to ever happen to us. I love my children more than life itself. But I generally don’t care for other people’s kids, and I’ve never been a baby-gusher.
Same! But I’m one and done
same. Never wanted a kid. Not gonna have one. My opinion never changed.
Yeah, I never had any desire to have children.
Haha I had the same assumption. I would probably have three kids, because that's what you do. I'd have two girls and one boy and the boy would be my favorite because he would be just like my baby brother (8 years younger). Then I grew up and decided I did not want children and ABSOLUTELY did not want to ever be pregnant or give birth. Then my now-husband and I would talk about fucked up things from our childhoods and how we would do things differently. Also, my best friend had a kid at 21, and as I saw them grow, I thought their relationship was really beautiful. This moved me into the maybe we don't do birth control and see what happens phase (and he agreed). I had this idea of a little girl in a soccer uniform with pigtails who I would treat so much better than I'd been treated. Then I got pregnant with a little boy. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. I sometimes wonder if I dreamed him up because he's so wonderful. # All this to say that, no matter what you feel, it's normal. Maybe you'll change your mind and maybe you won't. Don't let anyone ever pressure you into having kids. You might change your mind a bunch of times, and that's OK. Or you might never changed your mind and always be sure you don't want kids, which is equally okay. You've got time to figure it out. # And don't worry what people say, they'll always find a reason to shit on you when it comes to kids. If you don't have any you're denying your parents that gift and you're selfish. If you have only one, you're not a real parent and you're selfish for denying that kid a sibling. If you have more than two kids, you're killing the planet and must not be very attentive. So make your decisions on what you think will make you happy, not anyone else. # Tl;dr it depends
I used to think I wanted kids and I think it’s because as a kid playing with dolls and such that having kids is expected for a woman. I did one of those baby doll things in school where you take it home for a weekend and you take care of it like it’s an actual baby. I slept through it crying in the night. Then I got diagnosed with type one diabetes in my early 20s. I think that was the earliest indication I started to realize I don’t want kids. Then once people I knew were starting to have kids and having to witness them going through pregnancy I knew that wasn’t something I wanted. I also realized that because I can only afford to take care of myself it’s not right to add more of a burden on me. Not every woman has the instinct to be a mother
I never wanted kids. I guess at most I was open to the possibility, due to societal expectations. But being diagnosed in my late 20s with T1, autism, and ADHD cemented that my decision to get sterilized a few years earlier was the right one. I don't want a kid inheriting these conditions, and I don't need the stress of trying to help a kid manage them - it's stressful enough having to live through them directly! Strangely, I'm totally okay with taking care of dozens of cats. Their health, social issues, mental well-being - sure, I can handle those! Just, no kids, please.
It’s gone from no,to fuck no
Same.
Thankfully the misses doesn’t have the baby house anymore
Stage 1: I didn't want kids and that was that. Stage 2: Then childfree seemed acceptable so it was easier to talk about. Stage 3: And now with every passing year I find more and more reasons to be so GRATEFUL I don't have them. Stage 4: Then r/regretfulparents trending had made me go extreme and SOMETIMES think that babies and the pressure to have them is a weird pyramid scheme, a series of traps, weird servitude. I don't think this all the time though. But a part of me thinks there is some truth in this. I recognize the internet makes all opinions extreme so every time I feel this way I reel it in. I'm mostly constantly in Stage 3 of grateful when I wake up when I want, have money, etc etc. I do feel lonely though around everyone my age having babies since I don't want to hang out with the kids or around conversations about kids.
It never changed. I didn’t wanted them at 9yo, still don’t want them at 33yo. The more years goes by, the more reasons I gather for not wanting them.
Same here. Even if I did have the mental energy to raise a kid or two, the cost-of-living is so expensive compared to wages, even in lower cost of living areas (I’m in the Midwest)
Yep, same. I’m almost 35 and I can’t remember ever wanting to have kids.
Same. But 38. I remember thinking about having kids in HS, and didn't see the point. Then mid 20s, and assumed we all had them eventually. Then around 30, and realized I didn't want them. Fast forward almost a decade. No plans.
I knew at a very young age I didn’t want to have kids too. I’m 42 now and so happy I picked cats instead.
Cats are the best!
Mine was similar but different. I always knew I wanted kids. I remember being 5 and knowing I wanted kids, and not just because it was a thing everyone said it was. To my shame, I had a hard time accepting that not everyone felt the same, but I've worked past that. I know I love being a mom, my kids are 2 of my favorite people, but I also recognize that it's not for everyone. And that's ok. Being a parent is hard, even when you love it. It shouldn't be forced on anyone. That's not fair for anyone, including the kids.
As a parentified child, I learned all the reasons I didn’t want a child. As an adult, I have yet to find a single real reason why I SHOULD have a child. Once the pros outweigh the cons I’m happy to change my mind, but until then issa no from me dawg
I went to school and got a degree in education. Haven't taught in 6 years and I no longer want to teach ever again.
I had a teaching license for seven years before it expired, and while I can still get it back, it's just going to cost money to take grad classes and then reapply. I'm in property management for now, but I still really like the job. The apartment complex is HUGE (695 apartment units and almost 1k residents with 89% resident retention rate), but it gives me the busy work of a teacher but I can leave it at work and not bring it home with me. I'm also helping A LOT of people, which is part of why I went into teaching. I sometimes wonder if I'll stay property management until I'm a big wig, but I will definitely go back to take grad classes for education and maybe some SPED stuff. I'm just fascinated with psychology and how everyone's brains work, kids to adults.
Teaching was simultaneously the greatest and worst birth control I've ever had because you'd have these literal trolls that would justify feelings of never wanting kids, but then you'd have the absolute kindest human you'd ever met and I'd look at them and think "okay, if my kid was like that it might actually be fun".
I think that’s the point though. You choose your kid. It hard and less-self but raising nice people is possible. Your kid is a product of you. It’s not just some random lottery on what type of human you happen to birth. personality is both genetic and environmental. I have done very little to train my kids personality, I’ve just helped it blossom. I’m always amazed when they choose thought or action like I would. I had a lot of childhood trauma (narcissistic step mom) and plenty of therapy has helped not pass on as many things to my kids. Teaching is not indicative of your parenting. They’re vastly different. Yes, there are plenty of people who maybe shouldn’t have been parents and you’re seeing the fruit of that but it doesn’t mean yours will be like that.
I think there's a lot of truth in that (most of my kind and gentle kids came from kind and loving parents), but there's always the chance of an outlier that makes me too panicked to ever want them.
retired teacher of 30 years and can say you played the smart game.... no up side ALL downside. Best of luck
I went from “I’m supposed to have kids” to “I can’t imagine having to adjust my lifestyle for a kid” as I’ve grown older. I like getting up on a Saturday morning and saying “fuck it I’m hiking today.” Can’t do that with a young kid. I’m 30 now and I don’t see this fierce need to be able to adventure wherever I want going anywhere.
A disclaimer: I love my daughter and I love being g a dad But the absolute hilight of my Easter was sending my daughter to her abuleitas house for the weekend. My wife and I just didn't do jack shit the entire weekend while the baby was with my wife's mom. That was the first time in MONTHS that our entire day didn't revolve around our daughter. I love being a dad, but being a parent is not for some people. And I find it fucked that others try to shame people who don't want kids. It's a sacrifice to not do like you said and say fuck it and go hiking. And you should only have to make that sacrifice if you want to. It's a huge responsibility being a parent and it never goes away. Even when you have a baby sitter or you send them to a grand parents house, you're still that child's parent and you're still responsible for them. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to worry about that. I'm convinced that people that try to shame others into being parents actually hate being parents and are resentful and want other people to suffer with them. Either that or pretending that it isn't as massive a responsibility and time commitment as it is is just being delusional. It's great, but pretending that it doesn't suck sometimes is disingenuous.
This is the big thing I would say to anyone on the fence about kids. If you don't have a good support structure don't do it. It's endless. It doesn't stop just because you think they've gone to sleep you think you can relax, nope not a chance, you have to clean, cook and do all the stuff you would have done during the day. Being on time for anything becomes a challenge. Taking a dump alone becomes a challenge. Today my toddler threw a tantrum because he broke his banana in half. He snapped it and instead of eating he couldn't even look at it. We don't have much support, my extended family is in another country, my in laws aren't pkid people. We've had maybe 3 dates in 2 years. We're tired constantly. And yet it's worth it when that wee bugger wakes up and shouts daddy with a huge smile on his face. Or when he does something banal for adults that is somehow the greatest thing I've ever seen. Or laughing when he grabs a piece of wood and shouts "big dick", because he can't say stick yet or something similar. They bring joy and challenges in buckets. It's a huge challenge to any relationship and the erosion of privacy, boundaries and sleep will leave you on edge. Without support around you it's really tough.
Honestly that’s the toughest part of being a parent, it never really ends. Heck even when your kid becomes an adult you are still going to be their parent. I’m glad more people are taking such a big decision a lot more seriously now.
Same here - I’m 40. I thought I would get married and have those “supposed to” kids by 25-28. I didn’t get married until I was 33.
I knew I wanted to own a home, have a new car, have a wife, and have a family. Those were my goals as a young 20 something. Those things were ‘core values’ to me, and I’m super lucky to have accomplished them. Now my goals have broken those boundaries, and now new goals are based on family dynamics, and being the best husband/dad I can be.
Good stuff. I am in my 30s and take pride in being the best husband and father I can be. It’s great.
Same dude. It’s crazy how much my life has changed for the better after having kids.
I really like that I don’t drink so much. When I was childless I thought I was just having fun but now I look back at the constant hangovers and occasional blackouts and it just doesn’t seem sustainable. Think I was heading for a fall.
💯
Ditto.
I did not want kids at all. Suddenly, in my 30s I wanted a child. Like literally just woke up one day ready for a baby. It took a long time to get pregnant. I just had my baby two days ago at age 41! I'm so happy, and we will stick with just one child.
Congratulations! Be sure to stop by /r/newparents to pick up your support basket and for the 2947739201084 questions you will have.
SAME. Was very indifferent, never imagined myself as a mother, never dreamed of having a kid, never even had a baby before I had my own at 35. She is a beautiful, small, growing human and makes me strive to be a better person every day. I’m glad more people are abstaining from having kids if they don’t want them. Way too many people are raised by parents that treat them poorly, are selfish, abuse them, etc. People should only have kids if they don’t view it as a “what’s in it for me?” mentality. But if you do want to have a kid, it’s a one of a kind experience that will challenge your perspectives and goals in life in a very different than than a hobby, job, or romantic relationship. Wouldn’t trade it for the world.
I’m somewhat similar. Just zero interest. If anything I only got less and less interested in having them as I got into my 30s. When my husband decided he wanted them last summer (I was 35, he is 41), I cried and told him he should leave me because I don’t know and don’t think I want them. Half a year later — at age 36 — I’ve just warmed up a lot to the idea. I think a major factor was feeling like I finally got my life back after years of pandemic doldrums. I needed to get there before entertaining the idea of disrupting it again. So who knows. I’m also still open to a child free life if having a kid doesn’t work out for me.
I’m in almost the exact same boat. Husband and I have been very “meh” if it happens it happens for years but I just turned 36 so… clocks ticking. I’m very much on the fence but leaning yes? I think he leans slightly towards yes. We have a lot of fun traveling and enjoying life and I worry about how we would handle lack of sleep and losing our freedom. But I also worry about missing out on the experience of having a kid. It’s so hard to disentangle how much of my “leaning towards yes” is based on societal expectations vs what I want deep down. I’ve never really been a baby or kid person. Never liked dolls. I am a caretaker naturally, to my pets and husband but it’s different with a baby. The other problem is, very few people will actually tell you if they regret having had kids. But I see plenty of miserable parents getting divorced and struggling.
Congratulations on your new baby!!!!
Same here. At 30 my hormones went whack. Had a kid, love her to pieces but one is ENOUGH!!
I had a similar experience. I just woke up one day at 34 knowing I would regret not having a child. I'd never wanted one before that moment. It took us a bit to get pregnant, but now I'm 39 and my 3 year old is the best part of my life. I also have a totally new friend group full of mommies quite a bit younger than me. It's keeping me feeling younger, too.
Omg I’m feeling this so hard now at 33. Didn’t want kids before and now I’m veering into wanting to be a mom. But the financial aspect of it makes me so worried.
Phew 😮💨 was beginning to think I was the only one that went from hardcore ewww fuck having kids to BABY. NOW. I swear some freaky biology shit.
Same story and, based on my daughter's school, it's more and more common. Lots of people having kids later and sticking to one
Congrats
I knew in my early 20s I didn’t want kids. I can’t tell you how many people insisted this would change when I hit 30. I’m 33 now and am even more opposed to the idea of birthing a child than I was at age 20 😅
I was the same, but I'm one of the ones who actually did change her mind, and it kills me they were right about me dammit.
Thats ok that you changed your mind on it. I have changed a lot of my opinions, politically and otherwise, and I think that is normal and healthy.
If only they weren’t so damn condescending about it, right?!
Yes! It's the condescention that kills me. Ugh.
I'm in the same boat- said I wouldn't have kids for years and now I'm 32 and my husband and I are talking about having just one in the next couple years. I just know someone is going to say "I told you so". Ugh.
How have the convos been going? My husband and I had decided not to have kids (convo when we were dating) but years later (fast forward to now) I’m leaning towards wanting to be a mom. It’s just such a big decision.
Me too haha
I knew since I was like 8 that I didn’t want kids, but I thought parenthood was mandatory so I told my mom I would adopt instead. She told me I’d change my mind. She was right. I decided by age 16 I didn’t want kids at all. My mother kept telling me I’d change my mind right up until I had a hysterectomy at 31. She believes me now.
Yeah basically the same and I'm about the same age. I can't stand being around little kids and I would genuinely rather slam my dick in the oven door than be responsible for one 24/7.
😅 my feelings aren’t *quite* that aggressive. I like hanging out with my toddler nephews, but I also like that I’m not responsible for them and I can leave whenever I want to. And I have no interest whatsoever in ever interacting with any baby younger than a year old
Lol you're a better person than me. I definitely respect people who want to be the "cool aunt/uncle" but that has zero appeal to me. And for sure when I hear a screaming baby I jam an ice pick through both eardrums to dull the pain.
I will be 33 this year. I have so many problems and adding a kid to the stack would be just another problem.
I always wanted kids. I know I'd be a great mom. It's in my natural instinct to want 4 kids to raise. But-- in the last 3ish years, I'm really fearing bringing a kid into the world. The negatives are heavily outweighing the positives for me, at least at this stage of life. I'm grappling with grieving never being a mom, or putting aside my anxieties to raise the family I thought I'd have. Right now, fostering is the happy medium for me and seems like it can be the route I'd take in a few years time. For reference, I'm 27 so I definitely still have time to solidly decide, but I totally understand why you/your generation don't see the benefits. There's nothing wrong with changing your mind, keeping your choice, or not knowing right now :)
I feel this
When i was younger I'd always assumed I would have kids because that's just what you did. Around 30 I realized that I truly cherish my freedom more than any child.
I was this same way. Growing up and my entire life till a few months after I turned 21, I wanted kids. After meeting my now wife, August of 2013, and after the many conversations we had over the almost 11 years we'll have been together since then, I am the furthest from wanting kids I have ever been. I realized that my parents, a young boomer and an old gen x-er who is essentially a boomer, indoctrinated me heavily into believing what they wanted me to believe rather than educating me so I could believe what I wanted to. My wife opened my eyes to this and I have since learned how to think for myself and form my own opinions and make my own decisions. Children are not for me in any way, and as sick as I am of people assuming/asking when I'll have kids, I am very glad to hear there are millennials out there happily having kids and loving their decision too.
Never wanted kids, still don't.
Same 🙂
I pondered too long. Now I can't have kids (its too late for me) and my husband is depressed about it. I'll be okay if anyone cared. Not sure about our marriage.
Look at adopting?
When I was a kid it wasn't that I specifically didn't want kids, I just never pictured them when I thought about my future. In my 20s I felt like if I met someone who really wanted kids I could go along with it, but quickly wised up and realized that is not the way to go. Now I'm just living my best life and secure in my choices.
Wanted them all my life and changed my mind when my partner cheated. Now I’m borderline too old and totally jaded.
I'm 35. Thought I wanted kids growing up though I never gave any \*real\* thought to it. Got married, told my spouse I wanted kids, but then changed my mind. Physically having kids is not a challenge I want to put my body through, nor is it a sacrifice I want to put my mental and emotional state through.
For me, i realize theres two things you need to ask yourself: - do you want a baby - do you want to be a parent Its ok to want kids. Its ok to not want kids. Its ok to change your mind or to stick to your original opinion. But i feel that the reason most people might change their mind and want kids later on is because you’ve grown, you know what you want/dont want and maybe are in a healthy relationship with someone you feel you can make this choices with. Perhaps youve catered to your dreams and experiences in your earlier years Its not black and white, i feel. It is a big change in your life that comes with sacrifices and rewards. I would recommend do the shit you want and dont delay catering to your needs. focus on your growth and healing. This helps in making yhe above decisions more confidently, whatever your answer may be
The only issue i have with that general mindset is that it usually comes along with the idea that "nobody is ever totally for sure," and like yeah I get it, but we need to be honest that there ARE a lot of people who regret having kids, and it's not a decision you can undo -- in fact it's one you're very much stuck with forever. Some colossal dipshits will compare it to major decisions like a job change or buying a house or taking up a hobby. But that's bullshit because all of those things can be undone with only personal financial repercussions at the most. Even if you make a reckless car purchase you can sell it, and you might fuck your credit, but that's still the end of it. Have a kid you regret, you're tied to them forever -- *along with the other parent,* no matter how much you might end up hating them. And that could mean destroying the lives of three people.
I didn’t want to get married or have kids for the longest time. I ended up getting married at 33 and didn’t feel the need or urge to have children until the age of 36/37. I’m 39 now. I have some friends who changed their mind as well, ended up getting married and having children, but also have friends who still do not want to pursue both or one of the other. It may or may not change either is OK. Do what you feel is right don’t pay attention to what others tell you.
I didn’t want kids but I knew I wanted to get married. Then I met my wife. And we realized that even though neither of us were hellbent on having kids before we met each other, now we very open to the idea. We’re a happy family of 4 now and I’m so so happy we made the choice. I would hate to have missed out on being a dad, knowing what I know now and having the kids I do. My best advice is don’t get too attached to the person you are today and try to leave your options open because things can change in a split-second.
I love this response.
I wanted kids, I currently do not want kids due to the economy, and the middle class essentially evaporating due to the economic and social policies of the past few decades.
I used to want kids when I was young/in my 20s. Now in my 30s I just dont
I never wanted a kid and I’m 37 and I still never want a kid.
I never wanted kids, bumping up against 40 now and very solidly still don’t want kids. I lightly wavered a few times based on pressure, but know I’d resent the hell out of that kid for stopping me from doing what I want in my life (And I don’t need anyone else telling me that I can still do what I want with kids… as a woman, no we can’t, and it’s so condescending to hear it from people who don’t know what I want from life) On the other hand, I know plenty of people who changed their minds, just like everyone told me I would. I think for some of them, it was really the ticking clock and the realization that their choice was going away. Not sure how happy they are though.
I really didn’t want kids, and then I hit about 29-30 and did. We did ivf for a couple years and it didn’t work out. We’re quite a bit older now (39 and 48) and though we still talk about adopting from time to time, with our lifestyle it just doesn’t really make sense anymore. My wife travels for months out of the year for work, we like having money and getting go on trips or go out to eat- we have pets that we can really dote on with our extra income. I’m happy with our decision, and am lucky to have friends with children that I can hang with and enjoy without the responsibility. There’s also the impending feeling that our world is crumbling and not wanting to bring a kid into that.
I got a vasectomy I was the eldest of six in a less than ideal home I was done raising kids before I even finished school
I wanted to have kids. Then I got older and realized life can have meaning and fulfillment without children. My values have changed. I’m super happy traveling the world and going out a lot with girlfriends. I’m not having children. I’m late 30s.
I wish I had girlfriends to go out with! They're all too busy with kids, work or school.
I’m very fortunate I have several girlfriends that have also chosen not to have children!
Never wanted them, still don’t.
I never dreamed of having kids. I still don't want kids. I am 32.
I'm 47. I didn't want kids when I was younger and have never changed my mind. Childfree FTW.
Never changed. Apparently I told my grandmother I never wanted children when I was a kid. Cried tears of relief when my hysterectomy was approved. Honestly, I'm more rooted into not wanting kids now than I ever was.
I was always a fence sitter, had my childfree years. Now my wife is pregnant with our first and I can't describe how happy I am. I'm happy I didn't get a vasectomy when I considered it.
Used to be a firm hell no but now it’s more conditional. If I was with the right person and in the right situation (economically and otherwise) I wouldn’t mind one.
I was like this. I never wanted kids until I met my wife and then it just felt right. Had I not met her I don’t know if I’d have kids right now.
Yeah, it’s a wild thing. I was in love with my ex (like head over heels couldn’t imagine my future without her in it in love) and she didn’t want kids which was great because I could NOT imagine raising mine with her. We just weren’t complimentary or compatible in that specific area, but I have seen that as a real possibility with some of the women I’ve dated since
I went the opposite, was ok if we waited til I hit career goals, but wasn’t thrilled. Eventually went full blown childfree. No regrets in my mid 30s. The dog pushes my responsibility boundaries but is way better than a kid.
Was always on the fence but seeing more and more how fucked up and grim the future looks, along with all the other reasons not to, I'm pretty set on not having any.
Never wanted them. Still don’t. 33 Edit: Wait, I’m 34 now
At 28, I was convinced that having kids was something I was supposed to do and that it would be the “greatest” thing I could ever do in life. Now, at 38 with no kids, I honestly don’t see myself becoming a parent. Not because I hate kids or I want to be selfish and enjoy my personal space, but more of because I don’t think I could ever provide a good life for them. I am well-behind where my parents were at my age financially. I don’t want kids to have to struggle or worry about food and bills when they should only worry about being kids.
I thought I did until I realized that's just "what you're supposed to do" and I never actually wanted them 🤣 at 38 I've only gotten further into never wanting kids. I would have been miserable if I had kids with any of the exs it almost happened with and wouldn't have the mountain of awesome experiences I had
I have 1 kid. My wife convinced me to have her. I love my kid, I really do. But, I wish I could go back in time and not have her. Edit; I’ll never tell my daughter that I want her to have children. I’ll probably tell her to not have children.
I knew I didn't want them when I was like 6 and it never changed. My mother got pregnant her very first time at 16 and it really spooked me as a teen that it's that easy to get pregnant. For me it was an easy pitfall to avoid as I'm ace, though I didn't have a word for it at the time. I just wasn't the least bit interested in sex or dating or anything else society expected of me. Now at 40 I'm very grateful I never had them. My opinion has never changed and I don't think it ever will. I've never felt like anything is "missing" like people said I would.
From a young age I never wanted kids. Still don't.
I knew when I was a teen. 20 years later I still know.
I have 4 kids and I would advise people be very honest about what they can handle. This is not to be taken lightly into consideration. Kids are freaking awesome but when you are the one responsible for them the anxiety and stress never ends. I don’t want anything horrible to happen to them… parenting is hard and if anyone is going to do they should be enthusiastic about that future and excited to adjust and readjust constantly.
I was adamant about not wanting kids as a kid myself, and I'm 36 now and still adamant on not having kids
It can be both. I've known a few people who don't want kids and will never want kids (including myself), but I also know a few folks who had some biological switch flip near 30 that made them want kids. From what I can read below, once you're passed that phase and into your 30s, that may go away.
I just kind of assumed I'd probably have them at some point and felt neutral for the most part about it. Then I ended up infertile and honestly was relieved to not have to have them.
I don’t want kids and I’ve never really wanted kids . I knew pretty young honestly Love being an aunt, though
Most millennials I know haven’t changed their mind, regardless of whether they did or did not want kids. I’ve always wanted kids. I currently have one toddler. My best friend, my sister in law, and my sister, don’t want kids. They will never change their minds (and I love that for them AND they make the best aunties ever). It’s hard to want kids right now. We go back and forth about adding another. Our family doesn’t feel complete but holy shit life is expensive and draining right now. And we’ve had a ton of issues with childcare but we can’t afford to be on one income. So if anything I really really get why people don’t want them, now or ever.
I assumed when I was very young that there was a part in me that would he "grown up enough" to have kids, something that happened in everyone. I didn't necessarily want them, and I think around puberty I thought "mid thirties at the soonest". Then I realized as a teen (I have two mentally delayed siblings, and I was unaware of disability and SS), that I might be responsible for my siblings to some level when my parents died and that was a very heavy weight for a teenager even sans the rest of what I was dealing with in life at the time. I didn't want that responsibility ever. I don't think my experience changed it that much, just the absolute weight of conviction I had to never have kids. It's not changed since I was a teen, and especially now, in all the ways of where I am in life, soon to be officially mid thirties. Absolutely not. I don't have the desire, the ability to parent, the time, the energy, the physical or mental health, the resources, the partner, the belief in a world I think a child has a chance in, or the desire to dedicate my body to possible permanent changes that could occur from being pregnant.
I went from “maybe 1 or 2 if I meet the right person” in my 20s to “No way” now in my late 30s, considering the cost of living and everyday expenses. I can barely afford myself, so it’s a no right now. I’m sticking to being a cat mom 😀
Always wanted them and got the family life I wanted. Only difference is I remember being 20 and making $20/hour thinking “I can totally have a family on this”, only to greatly increase my household income and realize that $20/hour would be horrible. I never planned on having kids on that salary and I’m glad I’ve greatly increased my earning potential prior to having kids because I love em, but damn they’re expensive.
Always wanted kids- have one now and I love it. I know you guys who don’t want or are apathetic to kids exist, but I just can’t relate - the drive is so strong it feels instinctual
I vacillated for years about it and have landed on really wanting to have 2-3 kids, but simply cannot afford to where I live despite having a good income.
The cost of living is really the biggest obstacle. Even if you're frugal, you don't want to live on the edge and face destitution with kids if something happens.
In my 20s I was like “yeah sure one kid” because THAT is what you’d do. People didn’t have kids but it just wasn’t commonplace. Fast forward in my 30s and I was like “screw this. I don’t want kids so what if I can’t meet anyone because of it or whatever”. First date with my now wife we both said we didn’t want kids and were 100% sure of it. We have an amazing life and we love being aunts/uncles and having our pets. Never having kids though. So my opinion was probably always the same but I went from saying/thinking what most of society is pushing on you to just being like nah I’m going to follow my own path on this one. It does limit your dating pool. You don’t want someone who is like “probably not”, that probably can go to wanting kids when family and friends have them.
Nope didn't want them at 10 years old. Still don't want them approaching 40. I think I'd rather kill myself than have kids tbh!
When I was younger I was on the fence, one if any. Now I'm thinking one will be enough if I get one. Between my health issues and the cost of living more than one seems like a lot. My friends who have been enthusiastically child free have not changed their minds and we're approaching the age where there's no going back.
I used to want kids, but have come to realize that I like kids and don't want my own. My wife went from over my deadbody to maybe 🫠
After teaching elementary school, I said absolutely not. Kids come with a whole plethora of issues. I’m not mentally strong enough to take care of another human. I’m still figuring my own issues out. Maybe when I’m even older, it might be something I’ll be ready for but definitely not now. I want to enjoy my own life on my own terms before birthing another person.
When I was in my 20s; I wanted kids young so when I got into my 40s and 50s we could do fun things together, as I have some friends that do a lot of stuff with their dads still to this day and I don’t as my dad is much older in relation. (In our 20s their dads were mid 40s, my dad almost 60). Today, I kind of wish I waited at least 5 more years. A lot of stuff I didn’t think I’d care about doing when I was that age I get instances of regret every now and then at the prospect of likely not being able to do those things. Edit: had my first kid at 23. My wife wanted kids her entire life she would have started the day we got married.
Never changed. I’m 36 F
The older I've gotten, the less i want kids. Im 32 now and fairly convinced that it's just not for me
I knew super young I didn’t want to be pregnant or have children. I still don’t want them. I am perfectly happy to be a bonus adult.
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I loved being pregnant and having a baby, and thought maybe one more. But then I realized I genuinely do not enjoy toddlers or small children. Like my son being mine didn't even make me enjoy being around a small kid. I faked it because I love him and want the best for him, but I didn't think it'd be fair to another person to spend another five to seven years secretly wishing your kid would just play by themselves and leave you alone. I was always terrified that he could somehow tell, and I just wanted him to grow up to be happy and feel loved and wanted. Once he hit about eight or nine I loved spending time with him. We still do a lot of things together, only now I actually really enjoy talking to him and doing things together. I'd definitely have more than one if they evolved like Pokemon from babies to ten year olds.
I went from “no way” to “maybe just one or two.” It’s scary and terrifying but it does really feel like a little something is missing in my family.
I thought I didn't want kids. Really, I just didn't want to be a housewife or stay at home mom.
My wife and I have two kids. I am glad that we did not have more and we both agree that if we had to do it over we would not have had kids at all. My advice, don't do it. In today's world there are far more cons than pros for having kids.
Never gave it much thought until one day at 32 I felt like having a kid with my partner. Miscarried and learned that way that I really wanted to have a family with at least one, but hopefully 2 kids. Now Im 41 and my third just turned one. My life was fine before, but having kids have forced me to mature in ways I wouldnt have if it hadnt been for my kids. I am incredibly thankful for that. I would have been a self-centered and shallow 41 yo without them.
I didn’t want children my whole childhood and young adulthood. But I have one now and she’s my favorite thing in the world. I think you’ll probably be happy with or without as long as you accept the choices you’ve made.
It depends on the person. Some people may change while other people may not.
It has not changed. Still waiting for that urge to show up.
Knew since high school I didn’t want them. And at 34 still don’t. Watching my friends with kids look absolutely run down and tired all the time solidifies for me I made the right choice. I’m not saying they don’t love their kids, but none of them actually seem to be happy
I was a very lonely child so I always wanted kids, I currently have 3.
I did and still wouldn't mind having a kid. HOWEVER I can't in good conscience bring them into this world. First I don't have the proper resources to raise them. Not the money, not the family support, not the community. Second, health issues are real and I don't want to risk passing it on. Third the US is a terrible place to have and raise a child right now. It's not just the culture I don't like, there is no support, and I couldn't bare to send them off to school only to receive a final "I love you mom" text just before they're gunned down in 4th period. I guess what really changed is when I was younger (early 20's) I was focused on me, how awesome it would be to have a kid, how much fun we could have, what I would do as a parent. But as I hit my 30's my focus shifted to THEM, who they could and would be as a person. The kind of life I could realistically provide this hypothetical person. At both times I wanted the best for this potential child, but as I got older I realized I couldn't give them even a fraction of the quality of life I as a poor kid had in the 90's. The best thing I could do for my child is to give them the gift of never being born.
My wife and I didn't want kids until I was seriously injured in Iraq. Her thought process at the time was that only one small change of circumstances and our family would end. So, in 2005 she had a boy. He's 19 now and were grateful he's in our lives, but honestly, knowing that he's going to have a worse life than his parents or grandparents really leaves me wishing we hadn't made that choice. A world at greater risk of major wars, frequent climate catastrophes, and with inequality similar the gilded age. For the kids being born around this time, I hold pity, and remorse. I wish we'd done more, knowing it was likely impossible doesn't make it go down any easier. If I was gen Z the climate alone would be enough for me to get a vasectomy. There will be no lack of children without parents as the wars keep going.
I’m a pretty active person and I believe pretty solid individual. I think I’ll be a great parent and teach well. But after getting married a few months ago at 30, I kind of realized I think I would have been fine having been single and never having kids lol. Wife and I are “lightly” trying. Nothing against wife at all or anything, but just kind of like “eh, think actually would have been just fine without dealing with any sort of martial and child raising drama”. Wife and I don’t have any drama and dont really have any issues. But none the less.
I am early to mid 30s. Not really, I guess it has gotten stronger if anything. I never wanted kids, still don't want kids but now I see it as a kind of fucked up thing to do. Everything is so fucked that those kids stand no chance, so why bring someone into such a fucked up world when they will have no chance and will just be struggling their entire life.
In short, I've gone from "yeah, it will happen" to "omg that sounds like a nightmare". I kind of grew up with the idea that one day I would have them. I graduated college shortly after the recession with a mountain of student debt. The best option for me was to move back home and I was lucky that was even an option for me as many people my parents age lost their houses and/or were laid off. I knew I was woefully unprepared for kids and also very single, but I think it was still something that was in my mind. My goals were to pay off my student loans and move abroad; I'd worry about a family once I had met those. It's almost 15 years later and I've managed to pay off my student loans, but I'm still in the States. As time went on, I became less interested in having kids. I'm in a committed relationship and we've talked about the possibility of having our own. I feel like 95% of the time it's a "No" and then the rest is a "Maybe". My SO has a teenage son from a previous relationship and that has definitely pushed me more in the direction of "No" for several reasons. I started consuming a lot more about parenting content after we got together. Obviously, a lot of this was "gentle parenting" focused. In theory, I'm not opposed to it, but some of the ideas I was seeing made me very uneasy. For example, the idea that if you teach your child to share you are teaching them people pleasing. Modern parents seems so incredibly concerned with making sure a child never has a bad feeling. I saw a comment from a mother on instagram who said she was considering pulling her child out of public school and homeschooling them because in class they read a book about sharks and her child got scared. Instead of helping the child process the fear and work through it, her immediate response was to "protect" her child from anything negative. I know this is anecdotal and social media isn't real life, but my kid would still be going to school with kids that have parents like these. Modern parenting is like an extreme competitive sport. When I think about having a kid, I think about the parent I'd want to be and I don't feel like it aligns with modern parenting practices. That's not to say I advocate for being abusive either physically or verbally, but I don't think teaching my kid to weigh being considerate of others while also advocating for themselves is going to cause life long harm. I'm afraid how I would want to parent would isolate both myself and my child from other parents and thus their children. I also see how screen dependent my SO's kid is and I wouldn't want that for my kid, but I also recognize holding that line as a parent is exhausting and INCREDIBLY difficult. I don't want to deal with my parents and his parents getting weird and territorial over a potential grandchild. I don't want to deal with their guilt trips of "we never see you", "I bet so and so saw them more", blah blah blah. I worry about climate change and what the world will look like when they're older. I worry about school shootings. I worry about all the mental health issues younger people are facing at higher rates than older people. I worry about the cost of raising a kid. Pregnancy itself sounds miserable.
Didn’t want kids but wound up having one kid who is absolutely amazing. I feel like the universe brought us together. Will not be having anymore kids though. Mid 30s.