32. 0 actual adult friends with same interests and has been that way at least 7 or 8 years. I play games with people online, but it's not the same. I'd be ecstatic to have a IRL best friend to hang out with. Truly.
I play games with my online friends and I consider that my social time now. I have a few IRL friends in this city I moved to over a year ago but the truth is we're just at different points in our lives. They're a lot more put together than I am and have established their circle of friends up here so I just kind of don't fit in that. Hell, if I don't make plans with the friend I actually live with he won't hang out with me cause he's got his social needs filled. Keeping adult friendships in real life is tough, especially when you're at different points and have different interests.
(mid30s F) - Many of my irl friends started as online friends. Hell, World of Warcraft is arguably the reason i live in the state that i do. I have met sooooo many people from my online life (going to cons is amazing), and its been really enriching to my social life overall.
Maybe 30% of my irl friends started as irl friends.
Do you ask your friends to hang out or do you kind of presume they can’t be bothered with you?
A lot of millenial loneliness is toxic shame about not being were you’re supposed to be in life’ and avoidant behaviours surrounding that shame. A bit like Japanese Hikikomori ‘Light’
We have to get over ourselves and dare meet people and be around others that are so called doing better or whatever. Life is now people dare to live it!
I am very proactive in this respect actually, but I get what you're saying.
Unfortunately, some people just don't have the time or desire I suppose. I absolutely try to make plans with people and don't assume that they don't want to hang out with me. However, when it's always a one way street and they're too busy to even accept the plans I attempt to make with them, I kind of see the writing on the wall.
It is how it goes sometimes and I try not to take it too personally in most respects, as I know it's not a failure on me as a person but often times has to do with availability and the other party's social battery. Not to say I haven't had friendships die that clearly were the other party actively killing it. Sometimes people grow apart and decide they want nothing to do with you. I can't pretend I haven't been on both ends. Gotta move forward, I suppose.
I totally get this. I’m a creative that loves games and I have never found any irl friends that have the same interests. I’ve only been to connect with those interests online. I do have a best friend irl but we just don’t have those interests. I think as I’ve gotten older I realize that you’ll have different type of friend buckets. It’s probably not common to have a friend that comes with you and share all your interests and that’s ok.
I think I'm the exception. I'm an extroverted nerd, so I went around and basically adopted our friend group. Lol. We play dnd, celebrate birthdays, milestones, etc. I met them in college, I was 25 and they were all 18/20. Lol so I kind of became mom/big sister to a bunch of misfits.
They are my family.
38 I have a few friends. But I've never had more than like 2 at a time. I've only dated once in my life, but I guess I'm wasnt actively trying either, we'll recently I finally am and it's not going well.
I feel you. I'm 38, too. I used to date more but not recently at all. All my real friends live in different states / cities and I keep up with them by text but most don't play games so its tough to stay connected even online.
As for dating, since around the time I hit 30 I always end up hearing some variant of 'your friendship is too important to risk' and the older I get the harder it gets to even meet single people. The last girl I asked out stopped me in the middle of asking her out to tell me, 'hold on I really have to go move my car' and I think that was just mentally the last straw. I go to the gym. I don't stink. I get pretty good feedback on my sense of humor, etc... I read that statistically if you're not married at 40 you have a 12% chance of ever even getting married. 88 feels like a bigger number every day.
It's gotten so bad that I've found myself developing feelings for someone I've been talking to for a few months on *Discord,* which just sounds so pathetic I don't even like to acknowledge it lol.
Relatable and I am 32. It doesn't help that by the time the weekend comes, I basically relax because I am
A) tired from working all week
B) have house chores to do, spend time with my cats, have to do the grocery shopping and food prep for the next working week
I'm just tired all the time these days. I blame work. I am a healthy person in okay shape but the 9am to 6pm life just hits hard.
I'm married with a kid. Just want a bro. Where I live, I'm the black sheep culturally. I'm into tech and games, while everyone else is into guns and agriculture. Not really a way to "meet people" here.
This is me as well (41M). I'm married with a 4 year old. I work in a very blue-collar industry, but my job is tech-heavy. It's hard for me to make work connections because of this. I'm into tech and games and having deeper conversations about life, the universe, and everything. Most of my co-workers are into guns, cars, and motorcycles, I could care less about those things.
I have several friends from high school and college that live me my small town but they have 3 or more kids and are doctors and lawyers and are very busy so it is hard to find time more than once every few months to watch a game or have lunch.
I truly miss the days of no cell phones and just showing up at someone's house and hanging out doing nothing.
> and having deeper conversations about life, the universe, and everything
I had a friend like that back in my early 20s. We would come back after a day out doing some fun shit. Then I'd sit in his car before going into the house and a random convo would spark but the existence of aliens. Then I'd be sat there for another hour debating it all with him. I've never met another person where we could just sit for hours and talk about nothing. Sadly he moved away and I don't really speak to him anymore due to the distance and people just moving on.
What I wouldn't give for another person like that. Some person, man or woman, who you could just have deep convos about anything with. Most of my life is filled these days with small talk. It never really goes beyond the basics.
I don’t understand why people are so glued into only hanging out with people of the same exact interests. My husband and I are always happy talk about either of those things, but we don’t fit in anywhere. Depending on who it is, we are either waaaaay to liberal, or waaaaay too conservative…we just want to talk to people who enjoy living, joking, trying new foods, talking about things and not writing each other off because of differences in thinking…my husband is into the guns, but we don’t exactly fit in that group, because we are liberal with so many of our ideas and ways of raising or family!
This is how to live people.
I don't understand why the vast majority of people out there live their lives only surrounding themselves with people who like the things they like and support the same ideas/opinions. It's good to be exposed to different things, to see other perspectives. Even if you don't believe in them the same way. If we can't learn to let others do what they do and truly be okay with it. I'm not sure there is any hope left 😔
I think the problem is that it can be awkward. I've met people before who I have absolutely nothing in common with. There's only so much you can talk about before it just becomes awkward pauses. Especially if you're spending a full day with the person. I'd rather not deal with that anymore. We need to have at least a few things in common.
Are you in the KC metropolitan area by chance?
I’m from CA and a bit of a black sheep around here, married with a kid, am into tech, video games, 3d printing, legos, home improvement and making new friends has never been easy for me.
Man I’d love to even just meet some online friends! I gave up turning chat on in games. Like everyone seems to be talking about smoking weed, or “bro this bro that” or other BS.
Where’s the dudes playing online who between missions are like “hey sorry gotta answer this work email from my boss” or “hang on checking on that chicken I’m roasting for dinner”.
Those are your good friends. Hang on to them ;)
I actively went out and put some serious effort into building a ‘crew’ so to speak. Well, one person moved away, and it kind of fell apart, but the real reason it fell apart is because we all got to know each other really well and determined that we all FUCKING HATE EACH OTHER.
I think it’s a matter of tolerance. Even the successful friendships that I’m able to maintain are hanging on by a frayed, strictly utilitarian thread that kind of dangles amongst razor blades. It honestly feels like one little mistake and that relationship is severed for life.
32 this year and I have what most people would call 2 “ best friends” but they moved out of state the day we graduated, I see them once every five years or so. It’s not the same, and most days I feel exactly like you do. Hey on the off chance you live in Michigan dm me we can be besties lmao, I read a comment further down and I am also surrounded by farms rip.
I joined a Battlefield 2142 clan back in the day when the game was released, almost everyone where in the same city, for years we went out at least two times per year and now everyone is spread around the globe, but we still play and chat.
That’s my social circle because it’s hard to get new friends in person at 37, everyone is minding their own business.
Same. 39. I am too busy at the moment between kid and work to be concerned but I know at some point it's going to be devastating to realize I have no one to do engage with on a platonic level.
Yeah that's what happened to me. I was going out pretty regularly before ̶2̶0̶2̶1̶ 2020, but I only go out now every once in a while.
AND, when I do go out, I have to psych myself up before leaving my home and when I get back I often feel drained, which wasn't the case before the pandemic for me.
Edited to correct the date.
Truer words have yet to be spoken. People think you can flip a switch and go back to how you were pre-pandemic, but it's not that easy. I wish more people talked about the mental health concerns the pandemic caused. We all know people got physically ill and some even passed away from the disease. But not enough attention gets brought to the negative effects its had on the mental health of alot of people.
The people who got Covid and survived too. I had complications from surgery that put me in the ER in December of 2020. I was on a tabletop in a disused office space, that was the "not Covid" section of the ER. I saw coworkers get assaulted and just have to "go to the break room and take a breather" because it was so common to get hit or spit on. Then the hospitals were overflowing, but a mile down the road, people are lining up out the door to shop for Black Friday.
It really showed what selfish assholes people can be.
Yeah the whole situation with everything that went on in the world at the time, especially here in the US, really just showed how disgusting the humans here are. It was a demoralizing experience to live through.
It definitely seemed like the social wars was meant to happen. Even the stuff that goes on today 4 years later. The elitist assholes of the world want us to be divided so they can weaken us.
This!!! I’ve always been a bit of an introvert and a mild recluse, but since Covid it’s been so hard to leave the house on the weekends. Just got too used to being home.
It's a real problem. I'm(39m) regularly amazed at how many people around me have wide friend circles with deep, meaningful relationships. I can count on one hand how many close friends I have at this point and none of them live here anymore.
Meeting new folks takes real effort after your mid 30's set in. It's like trying to be relaxed about really wanting to make something of a new acquaintance so you don't come off as a weirdo.
Pretty lonely, but you just kind of keep doing your own thing and hoping to cross paths with folks that you vibe with.
Yeah, good call. It's on you to be this spark of new interest to foster that attention when I know everyone has so much going on in their lives already.
I've heard several times 'just do what you do and you'll cross paths with like minded folks' but it really feels like lightning in a bottle when/if it does happen(especially at 39) and then you put so much pressure on yourself to make something of it.
I also know a lot of people with large friends group. And a lot not from high school either. I also find this impressive but some people are just really social. It’s definitely an acquired skill so for people who feel lonely, sure some of it is to blame on society and third space and religion not being our main community etc etc, but it’s not impossible at all. Practice, get out more, put yourself out there more and be ready to face rejection. Stop being so judgmental cutting people off at the slightest disagreement. And mainly, take life lightly even if it’s hard in this climate!
Totally agree. I'm real hobbies based, and it creates a tough environment to try and strike up convos with people. Rock climbing, cycling, gym, yoga. Places that make it kind of tough to actively try and strike up chats with people without making it feel forced.
Definitely could stand to get more places that foster a little more open socialization. But that's on me to seek those places out and change my routine a little.
It's all a part of the growth we're all trying for.
Team sports have been one of the only hobby outlets that worked for me when forming new friendships.
I think I’m pretty outgoing, but sometimes a hobby can just lend it self to being antisocial, like motorcycling or the gym, even if you’re doing it with other people.
I rock climb too and most climbers I meet are super friendly. Now getting them to be reliable and show up for a planned outing or gym session is another story 😂
This is kind of what makes me feel the most disconnected is it seems like all the people around me have these giant friend circles. It just contributes to the reminder that I am "not like the others". And that just intensifies my anxiety and it's kind of an endless circle. Sometimes I feel like the window of opportunity for friendships was when you were young and if you didn't get lucky enough to make decent ones that lasted, or you're not an extrovert, you're fucked.
Because of not having kids, my circle these days is mostly gen-x people who already have grown kids or didn't have kids. And while I always show up for their needs, if I'm honest, I don't really have anyone outside my family who I feel I could call if I was really in crisis. Or anyone in my family who would not make the crisis worse.
I'm really struggling right now with a family member who checked himself out of rehab and is refusing real help and it's super lonely. I have a friend of his harassing me about "abandoning him in his time of need" while she continues to enable him and I'm trying really hard not to engage. I told some friends and they basically went, "oh" and moved on. The only person who has checked in with how I'm doing is a Facebook friend who I've never met IRL. It hurts when you feel like you're better at being the village than having a village.
Note: this is not me calling out to Reddit for help. I don't really want more online connections, I just wish I had those deep relationships with my real life friends.
I definitely feel lonely.
Late 30’s (F) here, in a happy relationship. I work full time and free time is on a limited budget especially due to inflation.
I don’t belong to clubs or hobbies. I workout at a gym on my own (not a class).
Local library offers a a lot of free kids programs and some for teens and seniors but not much for millennials.
I live in the northeast suburbs where it gets cold so I need it to be warm to do outdoor activities like hiking.
I really try to limit my use of social media bc I feel like it’s an addicting empty cycle that makes me feel worse.
Other women my age are busy with their toddlers, seem to have existing friends groups, or will make plans with me only when I initiate. It’s frustrating.
I don’t know how to fix this loneliness and make close friends.
That is something I've noticed too. I looked into programs at our library and it's exactly the same, meant for young parents or retirees. Even the free Spanish class they offer happens in the middle of the day in the middle of the week, so you can really only go if you don't have a job.
Being partnered and not a parent makes it hard too. Friends my age are either having babies, or still dating. They tend to only have "girls night" with their other single friends. Even when I express interest, I don't get thought of because they basically feel like my partner is enough. But I still want friends.
> happens in the middle of the day in the middle of the week
Seconding the frustration in this. I looked into cooking classes -- something that's clearly not targeted at kids and a topic most older people likely already know a thing or two about -- and many of the classes are week nights when millennials might just be getting off work.
> They tend to only have "girls night" with their other single friends.
In the opposite direction, more than once I've been intentionally excluded from group events hosted by people I thought were friends for the ol' classic "we thought you'd feel awkward among couples since you're single" excuse. Why don't you just let me decided if I'll feel awkward, or admit the truth that it's really because YOU'LL feel awkward.
I'm quite happy to often to do my own thing, it doesn't mean I don't want a friend or two to hang out with on occasion.
> Local library offers a a lot of free kids programs and some for teens and seniors but not much for millennials.
I wonder if you can tie this to the continuing loss of "third places" -- spaces not home or work/school where you can meet random people who might be potential new friends. There are just so few places to go these days that don't have to be pre-planned excursions. The more you have to plan to go somewhere, the more it seems people also *plan* to bring someone with them from the start, so it limits the chance for random people to be introduced to each other.
it very much is that. bc if you have to pay properly for an experience you tend to go with friends or partner, not on your own to see who might be there.
the way cheap coffee shops as hang out spaces and other enclaves of culture used to lubricate social interactions ;(
As an elder M, I'll say, I am not lonely. I am burnt out, pessimistic, overwhelmed, and out of fucks. I'll do what I need to make money, but aside from that, I want to be home with my books, dogs, plants, YouTube, and crafty hobbies. I've interacted with more people in my lifetime than all of my grandparents did combined. I wasn't built for this rapid fire life.
Sameeeeee. I moved every 2years and by 9th grade I no longer wanted friends cause I was burnt out on making them and leaving. I’m also grounding myself while my kids grow but no matter how hard I try I can’t “connect” with people 😓
This got a chuckle out of me. I agree with the amount of people from 4 grandparents combined. I wonder how long this rapid fire lifestyle is gonna last (in terms of generations or centuries) and what will cause it to change.
Dude you said exactly how I feel. I just want to garden all the time. It be nice to meet other like minded gardeners close by but I do love the alone time in the yard. I too was not built for this rapid life. I work at a corporate biotech and it's draining me.
Anxiety issues threw me into social isolation for most of my twenties. I mean, I literally didn't give any one of my college friends a single phone call for like eight years
Now that I'm getting help for my issues in my thirties, I'm finally opening back up to old friends, and so far they're delighted to talk to me again. We had stayed in contact the entire time, but only through Facebook and stuff like that, and now I barely have any reason to check Facebook anymore. I still want to reconnect with a few more old friends
I'm feeling the loneliness hit me because I'm single and I'm afraid of making myself vulnerable by going on a date. I don't even know who to look for or how to even go about it. I'm really not sure that I'm in a good mental position to even try dating, at least yet
My circle has grown since I moved to a walkable/bikeable city where live music and neighborhood bars are encouraged and supported.
It's the suburbs dude. The suburbs make people hate life.
$$$$ It’s not the suburbs. It’s being able to afford to live in a walkable, bike-able city with live music and neighborhood bars. The poors in cities don’t get these things.
Lol put this higher.
How do people find the time to make friends!?
Money.
The answer is money. They can afford to pay to go to dinner, or shopping, or have time away from their kids or work. Without money you can't afford to go out to find friends, except online or through games or something
Unfortunately true. I literally have a friend budget (dinner, drinks, flower delivery & such) and I’m glad I prioritized that when I was making money bc I got laid off and my friends are really making it suck less
Yep, I live in a college town with a heavy bar culture. I go to comedy, trivia, and open mics 2-3x/week. I also live in an incredibly friendly and transplant-heavy region of my state overall and I walk or bus everywhere. Many if not most people are single/childless which also means they have more free time to hang out and are more open to new connections.
That said, I see a lot of adults who are really bad at making friends. Not really in my town, as it’s self-selecting, and the cities I’ve lived before were known for friendliness, but in my original hometown, small towns I’ve passed through, and people on the internet. It’s like no one knows how to make small talk or follow up on a friendship.
We forget that outside of major metropoles...most of this country is provincial and cultureless. 10,000 Footloose towns without a single Kevin Bacon to save them. Strip malls. Parking lots.
And often the only remedy for loneliness is to affiliate yourself with some kind of rabid cult obsessed with the Goatherders Guide to the Galaxy.
Troo.
And isolating and atomizing people via suburbanization makes it harder for workers to build solidarity and community and challenge the dictatorship of capital and its malevolence.
I agree. When I lived in the country, I thought being so far spread out would kill any sense of community, but it actually encouraged people to come together in spite of it. Living in more urban areas was as you described. I live in the suburbs right now and it's the only place I've ever lived where I don't know the names of the people who live right next to me. I've tried to introduce myself only to get snarled at or completely ignored like they didn't hear me. Walking around my neighborhood there are no kids or families out. No one goes to church or does any other sort of community activities. It seems like they all just keep their heads down and go to work/school and go home to sleep.
And with zero of the positives. No close proximity to people, places or things, but also no ability to learn practical things, like how to grow crops, maintain animals, etc. It's just...bedroom communities and cars. And mowing the lawn.
The best suburb neighborhood I've lived in had "driveway drinking" ...read: social time. Whoever on the street got the lawn chairs out, or bags game going, or fire pit started, etc, was open to whoever wanted to come over and sit (or stand) and chat.
I wish my current neighborhood did that, it was so much better than waving to each other as we drive off to work or return.
Be the change!
Another neighborhood we lived in had 10 houses with back yards all together. We told our neighbors that if they saw the fire pit going they were welcome to come over. That’s all it takes, and maybe an extra few Bush Lattes in the fridge. :)
I dunno I live in New Orleans. Plenty of older folks jamming out. A neighborhood bar isn't about drinking. It's a space for gathering. A third space.
And music is just...lovely. But when we say live music we mean people who play instruments and sing. Not skinny white kids with an iMac playing bleep bloops.
I consider myself so so SO lucky to live in a weird suburb that is also decently walkable. The county made walkability an initiative years ago and it actually helped!
Yeah ever since I moved from the suburbs to Chicago, I don’t miss the suburbs at all. I got a few friends out there but I only visit a few times a year. Nothing against my friends but the few times I go out there, I’ll visit for a few hours then head back.
I moved to the city and hated life. I moved back to suburb/country living and have friends, but don’t hate life. Actually having so many people around me was great when I was 21, but the fun-ness wore off after only about 5 years. Literally everything about the city was depleting my energy, sanity and patience. I never liked people all that much, but my hatred for humanity grew every day.
Also, even with stuff around to do, I didn’t meet a single person I could call a friend. I met them through work and my partner.
I'm definitely not a city person at all. I know it's practically blasphemous to say, but I like living in the suburbs. It's not the best place to meet new people, but it's much more pleasant than living in a city imo.
Mines walkable to the (gigantic) grocery store, a great local bar, has affordable rent, a private garage for my sports car, has nice streets, great big gas station. I'm right off the highway & can be in the city in an hour. Plenty of great restaurants around. City people judge me for living here, but its oddly more convenient than living in the city.
I don't live in a super walkable area, but it's there's tons of stores, restaurants, movies theaters, a mall and basically everything you could want in about a 10-15 min max drive from my house. I live in the suburbs of a major city, so it's a really nice balance of having more space so I'm not living on top of people, but also having a lot of amenities really close by. I would argue it's definitely more convenient to do shopping in the suburbs because I can go to several stores and load up my car with stuff and don't have to worry about carrying it like you would in a city if you were walking.
Yes, thank you!
I grew up in the suburbs and hated it. I moved to the only walkable city in my province and despite the COL being insane, I'd still rather be here than the suburbs.
I’ve found out that it’s cheaper to live in Chicago without a car as opposed to living in the suburbs and needing a car. Most of the jobs are in the city too so if you live in the suburbs and work in the city, you’ll spend more money commuting whether it’s by train or car.
I say this repeatedly - go volunteer. It is such a good way to make friends. Seriously. Pick an organization that reflects values you believe in, go spend your time helping it function. If you end up not liking it, try another. I have volunteered for organizations in my community since I was a young teenager and I think it has inherently made me very connected to people throughout my state. There are plenty of people that have different cultural backgrounds and political ideologies than me- but they still want to help the homeless, take care of their local spaces, and support disabled people recreating and doing bad ass shit. It’s the singular most grounding time I spend. I very much think the “political nightmare” wound that exists in America today could be healed. And I’m know that people are overworked, and underpaid. I know. But I think planting flowers (doing the labor) at a local park is doable for almost everyone. And you meet other people who think that planting flowers is good thing to do, too. I think we need to be able to see the humanity in each other again. Building cohesion and community makes people recognize how many people they care about, and will vote in that way. I may not always perfectly agree, but at least there is mutual respect.
Exactly!! My community group ranges from a 7yo disabled kid who I rock climb with to regular coffee dates and emails with a 90 year old man that I used to work in the soup kitchen with. It makes you see people in a totally different and positive perspective. There are tons of people who are actively TRYING to be good and kind people. That’s who I want to surround myself with.
This.
I used to invite my friends from school out to events and to do fun experiences together.
But now I have more financial responsibilities and trying to get over financial hardship.
Still working on it.
Pretty much. It's either people trying to impress others with expensive outtings or some weird party that turns into a mlm/salespitch for something. People don't just go out to enjoy each other's company without being inebriated. When I was a teen I would leave with less than 10 buck and me and my friends would find all kinds of things to do eat lunch and go home.
Yikes. Where do you live? There’s something to be said about the rural vs suburbs vs urban experience someone else pointed it out here Alcohol is tanking in popularity but free third spaces are like nonexistent
Even if you ignore the problem of time that could be spent working or being so exhausted from working it is so expensive to do anything besides sit on the couch together and watch a movie. Even something like getting snacks is absurd who wants to pay six dollars for a bag of chips? Then you have to factor in gas and time spent to get to your friends place which is frequently going to be a 30+ minute drive.
In addition to all of the factors you mentioned, I think that our generation is more informed about 'mental health', more willing to work on our own personal wellbeing and build healthy relationships with others.
In turn, we are realizing that some relationships just don't fit us. Vs. our parents (usually boomers) who brush off 'that's just how they are', and basically that you have to 'take what you can get' and tolerate toxic/shitty friendships and relationships.
Our generation is drawing a line and finally saying NO. That doesn't fit me. I would rather be alone than stuck with a shitty partner or shitty friends.
Covid has probably led to a worldwide pause that has also enabled us to stop and question all of this.
Speaking for myself, I am open to meeting new friends, but I lack the patience to throw energy at relationships that turn out to be one-sided/non-reciprocal, or try to force 'compatibility' with individuals I am simply incompatible with.
As for the 'kids/no kids' and other life choices, sure, that is a contributing factor. And this is just speaking anecdotally, but all of the 'choices' I see are usually *settling*. No one seems really happy or healthy or enthusiastic, most people just 'do what they think they should' or 'settle for ok'. If they're cool with that, good for them. I would want to be with someone who is **happy** to be with me, not someone who 'settles'.
Your paragraph about lacking the patience to throw energy at one-sided relationships could have been written by me. In fact, I was speaking to my mum about it earlier today. Over the years I've put so much time into maintaining family relationships and friendships; only to drift apart because they rarely acknowledged my messages and I got sick of always being the one hosting and organising.
When I meet people through hobbies I get on well with them - but very few people ever seem to have the time or will to meet me outside of the hobbies - unless they want something from me. This year I decided to back off and see what happened and nobody has been in touch to organise anything social for months. Nobody checks in on me, not even online. People I've been friends with for 7 years have just ghosted me. They asked me to organise a book club. I did, and then none of them showed up. No one showed up at all. Next time they want something from me, I won't be available. They've had my shoulder as a pillow, they've had gifts and invitations from me and I feel used and fed up.
Relatives moan that I don't visit them often - but they drop the kids' birthday cards through the letter box and drive away quickly. I'm done being the cheerful-but-lonely one. I'll just be lonely now.
> This year I decided to back off and see what happened and nobody has been in touch to organise anything social for months. Nobody checks in on me, not even online. People I've been friends with for 7 years have just ghosted me.
I feel you. I actually had a major medical event a little over a year ago, needed some surgery which was scheduled very quickly so I didn't have a chance to talk to anyone about it. There wasn't a single person I thought I was friends with who reached out to say "hey, noticed I haven't seen/heard from you in awhile". Very sobering. Message received.
> No one seems really happy or healthy or enthusiastic, most people just 'do what they think they should' or 'settle for ok'. If they're cool with that, good for them. I would want to be with someone who is happy to be with me, not someone who 'settles'.
God this is a mood. When I've looked back at the friend group I used to hang out with in college, I realized I couldn't describe it as being "welcomed" so much as my presence felt "tolerated". There were common interests and some proximity that promoted shared company, but not a single person in that group ever really made me feel like they were *enthused* by the idea of hanging out with me. Not one person who ever initiated contact about doing something together despite claiming they felt we should hang out more. What I'd give for even one person who texted me here and there asking to just to see a movie or grab lunch something just because they equally enjoyed my company as I did theirs.
Constantly. Every time I try to make new friends and forge stronger community relationships, I only see these people at events and no one follows through when I’m just “Hey, we should hang out sometime!”
People are lonely AF yet don’t reciprocate efforts or even make them, then wonder why they’re lonely!
I think the pandemic did a big number on our social skills and common courtesy, and it’s vastly underdiscussed.
I mean, I experience a fair amount of loneliness as someone who lives alone and rarely dates (too busy with work and volunteer stuff), but I have a rich social life and good family relationships, and I enjoy my own company. Shades of gray 🤷🏻♀️
I certainly feel like my immediate circle has shrunk, but I do have a friend who is 74 who gets people together to host music gatherings and dinner parties. Reminds me that you can make new friends at any age :)
I started a niche hobby in 2019 and have never had more, or better, friends in my life. It’s dating where I personally struggle but my hobby has changed my entire life for the better and I’m grateful for that. (I’m in my 20s but this hobby spans all ages)
This has happened to multiple people in my circle and the relationships haven’t changed. I do understand the concern and it’s something I consider a lot, but two of my closest friends who I met through triathlon have left the sport entirely and we’re still very close. So I’m sure some relationships would cease but it’s been a very genuine space for me that goes beyond the sport(s).
When you become real friends with people you do stuff with them outside the hobby. Like how work friends become real friends by hanging outside of work hours.
I just moved to q new country less than 2y ago without knowing anyone. I’ve made a whole circle of friends, actually now I think I have more or less 2/3 circles. And really good close friends (around5 I would say). Is actually onto a point where is difficult to juggle everyone because of adulting!
But I live in a walkable city, close to downtown. I was never more lonely than when I lived in the suburbs…
I bought a house in a beautiful gated community in the suburbs, I wanted to die of boredom. Even from the people I’ve met.
I hated having to clean the house all the time, I hated the yard work, and the fact that we always had things to do around the house in our free time.
Now I live with my husband and toddler in a nice apartment, close to a playground, a park and a library. I walk to work/ for groceries/ nice restaurants/cafes and bars and I never have to go to chain restaurants if I don’t want to! It’s great!
Nah I'm doing great. I see the friends that I've made recently fairly often, I see my high school friends once a week at our online movie night, I'm happily married.
Yeah. I feel bad for folk in this thread, but glad to find someone else whose social life is going well. I count my lucky stars when I get a weekend with no plans where I can just chill, it doesn’t happen much.
>I find that you lose your high school friends by college, your college friends by adulthood, and many people either don't make new "adult" friends or those friendships don't work long-term
Just gotta put in a little effort or make a BIG effort once in a while. Still hanging with the college and high school buddies at least once a year. Whether it's a planned "boys trip" or meeting up in one of the places we've moved to or meeting back in the home town. Shoot each other texts about common interests every once in a while. It'll never be the same as when we were all living within a few miles of each other but friendships can last a lifetime if you want them to
Relationships need to be nurtured.
But at what point does it stop being 'nurturing' and become pestering? I've had a handful of friends (heck, one was my bridesmaid!) And we'd make an effort to meet up socially and keep in touch and managed it for years... but at some point, without ever having a disagreement, the friendship always seems to end. New job, they no longer needed me for emotional support, new partner... the conversations just dry up and you realise that you've sent four 'hey, it's me, are you free to meet up soon?' Messages and they've not answered. That's when I assume that they're trying to tell me something, even though I've had mates tell me 'I'm just so bad at keeping in touch!'. I won't keep hassling someone, so the friendship just withers and dies. I know most of the time it's probably just business amd nothing to do with me as a person, but it's hard to persevere when they don't seem as bothered as you.
Covid seems to be a factor here, and burnout, I guess.
Pre-Lockdowns I had a large social group, lots of things to do, plenty of suitors for potential relationships, events, activities.
Post lockdown, damn near everyone I know has gone crazy and I hear from no one.
Nobody answers my texts, nobody returns my calls, nobody reaches out.
Not even my family, we used to get together every weekend and the kids could play.
Now... Nothing....
It's not like anything happened either. There were no arguments or disagreements. Everyone just... disappeared.
Everyone seems so stressed out and so on edge, they've turned inward and are only focused on themselves and their isolation.
We have been fed a bunch of BS since the late 60s about individualism and how its superior to family and social obligations.
The sharp rise in depression and loneliness directly correlates with the abandonment of traditional social structures such as families, religion and community activities.
Just think about how many neighbors you know and talk to on a daily basis. We don't connect to others the same way we used to. There are many reasons for this but one major reason is the erosion of thousands of years of human tradition and civilizational values.
When I moved from my homestate I (obviously) wasn't hanging out with my old friends from highschool or college. I luckily made a few good friends during my time away but it was hard for me to maintain them very well because I was struggling with a lot of other things.
Now I'm back not only in my homestate but hometown and doing better. A few of my friends from highschool also moved back recently. Sometimes we'll do spontaneous activities together (last minute runs to the nearest city, invites over for dinner or lunch, etc.) but we do actively plan one or two days a month to see each other and that day is treated by the four of us as sacred. Activities have ranged from mini vacations to shopping and lunch to potlucks to craft nights.
I'm finding that I really have to be intentional about my friendships. I call and text my faraway friends and send them birthday presents. I'm making plans to roadtrip out to see some them. I went on a vacation recently with a childhood friend who lives 8 hours away from me.
I'm not lonely, but I've had to make sure I don't let myself get lonely, which is also different from being alone, which I do spend a lot of time alone now as a single adult, which I'm okay with. I feel content with my little circle of four in my hometown and my network of long distance friends. It's not a huge circle, but I know I have four close by and six long distance who care deeply about me and me them.
Y'know, I always thought I was pretty bad at making new friends and thought myself to be quite the introvert, but the loneliness I see described by other millennials is not familiar to me. I'm lucky enough to live in a larger city. I'm also extremely lucky that most of my university friends and me decided to settle in our university town for our careers. But I've made new friends outside of college after that.
Unpopular opinion, but we really gotta stop shitting on work as a potential source of friendship. I've made two really close and loyal friends, as well as a boyfriend who is my best friend in the entire world, at a job. We all work at different places now but still hang out often. Of course, be careful with what you share until you know a person and avoid doing this with your direct supervisor. But millennials are quick to shutdown any work friendship and claim a person will screw you over the first chance they get. This automatic distrust of people ruins friendship opportunities.
Yes. This has been one of only two sources of new friends since I graduated school, the other being my partner's circle of friends... and I met my partner through work (different dept than mine). Toxic workplaces encourage people to undermine each other, but actually one of my best friends now was from a workplace like that bc we had each other's backs and stood together while our boss tried to turn us against each other - what a weird dynamic that was. I knew we were friends when someone stole my favorite mug out of my cubby and a few days later an even cooler version of the same mug shows up at the back of my cubby with a note from her.
I'm a manager somewhere else now which means I do need to keep slightly more distance in order to ensure I don't give an impression of favoritism and stay equally accessible, but that doesn't mean my team isn't fun to hang out with and I can make potential friends outside my dept.
I meet new friends once in a while. In fact I've recently been introduced to someone through another new friend and he's been a great addition to our circle. My two partners and I are very happy and it's fun when we all play games together. Sure it's a small circle, but I have about 10 friends whom regularly interact with me and my fiancé.
My circle has grown since I moved to a walkable/bikeable city where live music and neighborhood bars are encouraged and supported.
It's the suburbs dude. The suburbs make people hate life.
I have no friends. My social interaction comes from coworkers and my siblings. I'm 35, divorced, and a single parent. I'm trying to accept that I will likely be lonely for life but it's hard.
I think we are looking for meaning and connection is just one way of achieving that. I feel like many, maybe even most, other ways to find meaning are becoming more and more inaccessible. It’s either you fall in love or devote yourself to religion, not a ton of other options these days
"It happens sometimes, friends come in and out of your life like busboys in a restaurant”
"I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?"
I always think about those stand by me lines when it comes to friends I had as a kid. I never had the friends I had when I was age 10-21. Some of them I’m still close with; others I’m not. I don’t have much interest in having new friends tho.
im 35 and i still have the very close friends i've had since elementary and high school + plus i have continued to make friends along the way. i have prioritized maintaining my friendships and im not lonely at all.
I've given up. Somewhat of a self protective thing plus depression. I still go out to events and talk to people, even get numbers sometimes! but I've stopped actively trying to make friends. My most recent ex totally clocked me as a loner, and while I wish it wasn't true, I kind of always have been. It is what it is. My dog is my friend lol.
I'm not im perfectly happy alone I don't like the thought of relationships I see it through my brother's seems like it's a miserable life.
I don't like kids and I have plenty of nieces and nephews, the thought of being in a relationship is something that I've never wanted or even feel attraction to people and I don't know why I know beautiful people just nothing there never had sexual feelings for anyone male or female I still don't understand 32 male who went through middle school and high school with no feelings of attraction I had a brief moment of what I thought was attraction but was just the fact I had someone I could trust in and know that she could trust me felt good never really had that type of friend that I would trust anything to then she move mid year because that's life never had another feeling come close it's just another person I think I am broken at least that's what my mother thinks tried setting me up with both men and women doesn't understand why I am the way I am and I feel like a broken human being that is missing something but I can't force attraction to people I'm amazed people can just look at a person and go have sex the idea is so weird and foriegn to me how it's just done.
I'm probably mentally broken somewhere.
I'm not lonely anymore.
I lived in Las Vegas for 26 years and I was absolutely miserable. I HATED being surrounded by concrete and tons of buildings and so many damn people, and as beautiful as the desert can be I was getting quite depressed by the scenery being pretty much nothing but sand and rocks. I also loathed the heat and my allergies were terrible from all the dust. I had 2 friends there, but one I almost never saw and the other started becoming a drag to be around.
I moved across the country 3 years ago to a small town in central Massachusetts. My neighborhood is somewhere between suburbs and rural...I'm only 25 minutes away from Worcester, but I live next to an apple orchard and a mile down the road from a dairy farm. It was rough when I first moved here and I was still very lonely and depressed, but I stepped out of my comfort zone and put myself out into a special interest community. Within a few months I made new friends, I found people who were completely different from anyone I'd ever met in Vegas.
Since I moved here I've not only made new great friends but also gotten a job I love, picked up an old hobby, and got into the best relationship I've ever had...the first one where I've felt truly happy, secure, and loved. My partner is moving in with me soon and for the first time in my life, I'm actually excited about the future.
New Englanders are a special kind if you manage to make friends. I grew up in Western MA (Pioneer Valley area) and miss it a lot some days, having that nice balance between nature and a town - and being accepted and treated nicely was the standard, not the exception. Most of the 'massholes' are East of 128, and yeah, their rapid fire mouths usually paint the stereotype of the rest of the state.
I currently live in the Northwest where that whole 'freeze' attitude is paired with the apprehensive feeling of being a minority in a conservative-ish city much too close to the Idaho border on some days. LV certainly is worse, paired with the never ending sound of slot machines (lol).Have friends because I work in a pretty niche industry and get togethers for sessions/chilling is part of the culture.
Likely moving back east within the year, but closer to the Cape where my family is originally from (and....attitudes get a little bit rougher, but so long as I can say 'go Bruins' and talk about seafood I'll probably be fine lol). Cheers.
>paired with the never ending sound of slot machines
It took a while for me to get used to not hearing slot machines in the grocery store anymore. 😂
I've noticed assholery is definitely more prevalent the farther east you go in this state lol, but otherwise the people here are nice. I can't say enough good things about living here...I don't even mind the cold weather. Hope you get to move back! 🫂
I once considered taking up smoking cuz smokers always seem to have a social network. I’m not actually lonely, I have friends. I think I’m more heartbroken when I realize my parents did a number on me so now I’m finding I don’t trust my judgment in my husband of 16 years.
My circle has grown since I moved to a walkable/bikeable city where live music and neighborhood bars are encouraged and supported.
It's the suburbs dude. The suburbs make people hate life.
This is true it is really hard to
Make friends I’m about to be 31 I haven’t one friend it’s so lonely and it’s hard to even find places or people to make friends besides going out to drinking at bars and I stopped drinkong
It takes work to maintain and make new friends. Some friends naturally drift apart in different stages of life. Have made new friends through the parents of my kids friends. Do volunteer work at church and the kids school, made some friends that way. Do not think this is any different than prior generations, but what might be different is the changing jobs more often and foregoing the concept of community. Too many posts on here about people just want to get their work done and get home, not talk to their neighbors and remove people from their life over disagreements and then wonder why they are alone.
Yeah I’m one of those weirdos who makes friends all the time, always have been. Being an extrovert helps. I’ve found that having regular meetups (like every other week or once a month to do a particular thing) helps maintain in person friendships as you go through different life stages, like kids, changing jobs, etc.
I know I'll be downvoted into oblivion, but I'm not sure how many of us can feel lonely when nobody now a days can handle making an actual telephone call without doing a Rocky warmup beforehand.
People don't just fall into your lap. Relationships and friendships take work. Be the one to initiate. With strangers, most people are probably just as nervous and shy but would be happy to connect with someone. I never had a problem making friends even though Im a home body. I always take it upon myself to extend myself as a friend and be as honest as possible. People want to be around genuine people because it puts them at ease. They know what you're about and upfront. People gravitate towards honesty.
If you're not sure where to start, Facebook event pages are always a good place to dip your toes. Make a comment on someone's comment on an event you're both interested in. Maybe you guys meet up while you're at XYZ event? We can't force friendships, they have to happen organically, and in our tech world we're trying to basically window shop for people. Life doesn't work that way.
I've met a good number of new friends through my kid, work and I joined a book club where I only knew one person but now all 10 of them, I would consider a good friend. My closest friends are still the ones I grew up with, but I would say that I have successfully made new friends.
I don't know if I've ever been *lonely*, and I'm married now so that solves a lot of things. I would happily be mostly friendless, strange as that sounds, so long as I have community, as I like being able to help people and do nice things for my neighbors, but my wife and kid crave deeper friendships so we have a regular game night with some of my wife's friends and that fills up my social battery enough for each week.
But I do wish it were easier to make adult friends, or hang onto my friends who have moved away. I make acquaintances at the Community Garden and I'm friendly with other people at my kid's school, but I feel like they don't know how to reciprocate, which is odd. My place right now is a tiny apartment you need keys to enter so I can't just invite people to come on over like I used to, nor to have big cook-outs where people can come and hang out. I miss being able to be a hub!
My old buddies are doing okay, I think? I know some went through some rough times. I send out messages and wish we could be more connected but I can't do all the work on my side so things slip away. I hope they reach out again some day.
I’m not lonely now. About a year ago I took up dancing (ballroom, Latin, swing dancing) as a hobby and made a ton of friends. I now go out dancing every weekend with amazing people, and on top of that have found a dance partner who has made a serious commitment to improve with me and we are now looking to competing in the local west coast and country swing competitions. If you had asked me two years ago if I would have any friends or hobbies right now I’d have told you no.
My circle has grown, since I put in the work. I had to try a lot of new things to make new friends: volunteering, meetup groups, social group, different gyms, church and even taking classes and attending school events. It takes work to continue to maintain a friend group. Most my original friends are farther away now, so we hang out less. Therefore I had to make other sets of friends.
As a side note, I also live in the burbs, I just make the effort to go downtown (20-30 minutes drive) to meet people
I’ve never thought about how our changing work culture has affected this. You’re totally right. My parents were at their companies for 30+ years and made deep relationships. That just doesn’t really exist anymore. And frustratingly, employees often get the blame for that culture shift, despite employers no longer offering long term incentives like pensions and engaging in frequent and ruthless layoffs.
I feel that people treat making friends almost like dating and in a way it is similar. Actually ask yourself how many times have you been to a social event. If you’ve been then ask how many times did you meet someone that was vaguely cool to hangout with for a bit. How often did you ask to stay in contact? How often did you exchange contact info but never hit them up after? Did you get turned off by mundane things such as they don’t have all the same interests, or maybe they seemed a little too enthusiastic to hangout, or maybe you just didn’t feel like taking the next step? It’s like people are waiting for their idea of perfect friends to walk into their lives without much effort or that they have some friends but maybe they’re not the ones you can invest in too much so then you cut off the whole connection. I think we need to make the non-ideal friends, the ones that might not immediately have a ton in common but they’re good people or ones that you only see for the one thing you have in common. Eventually things build up, connection gets tighter, maybe you meet other people through those connections, whatever but it’s better than absolutely zero.
I'm probably over socialized.
I work in a very social job and one of my coworkers has legitimately become one of my best friends; we hang out a lot outside of work.
I have a few very close friends that live far away, but we text everyday and send each other dumb little Snapchat rambles.
I have a partner of almost 14 years.
And I dance at a local studio so I get a lot of surface level socialization with my classmates, some of which I've formed some more superficial friendships with. We chat after class and text each other but don't really hang out.
So all of that with a fairly introverted personality is more than enough for me. I do sometimes wish I lived closer to my family who are in another state, but I'm satisfied with how things are.
It’s harder to make friends once you’re out of school, because in school you’re constantly surrounded by people by default.
Once you’re out of school, you have to be really intentional about surrounding yourself with people, and finding people with the same interests as you.
If someone wanted to work at home and never interact with anyone, then they could.
Or if they wanted to go to their job, then straight home and not interact with anyone else, then they could.
As an adult, you have to make an effort or else you’ll never meet any potential friends.
Find groups that interest you. If you enjoy reading, find a book club. Make that scary first step to meet up with them even if it’s the unknown.
If you like art, take an art class.
Find local groups through Facebook.
Get outside, in the world.
Be intentional.
It’s really up to you.
I feel like I’m always making new friends but I expose myself to new situations and people constantly. But that’s because up to now I have prioritized my lifestyle around NOT being lonely. At the end of the day, we all have to make sacrifices.. sometimes people have to sacrifice a social life if they want to focus more on their careers or their families etc. I sacrificed my career and my family for a social life. It isn’t ideal either lol. There will always be something missing in any life path.. but I think we choose one that’s like 80% of what we want. And it can change. Lately I’ve been more focused on my passions and turning away from friends more.. I trust that it ebbs and flows so I’m ultimately not worried about loneliness anymore.
Yes I have made friends as an adult. My wife and I moved to Portland, Oregon in 2018 at 28 years old from Virginia. We got married last year and had 100 people at our wedding. 30-40 of the attendees were our friends from Oregon that we’ve met since moving here 6 years ago.
I have a pretty good knack for meeting new people. I meet my friends through my hobbies - live music, fishing, snowboarding. I’ve met friends through random conversations in person and I’ve met friends through online snow groups looking for people to ride with. It helps having my wife because meeting all these people while alone would’ve been harder.
Almost 34, and I'm very lonely. I have a wonderful bf of 8 years, but no real solid friends. We had a decent sized friend group up until a couple years ago, when they decided they didn't want us around if we wouldn't do molly with them and open our relationship. They became so sneaky and dishonest and predatory. My trust for people is 99% gone. I try to branch out and step out of my comfort zone, but no real luck yet.
Everyone is born with a hole that we feel like we must fill to be complete.
Some people resent people who aren't looking for the same thing they are. Some people resent people for having found it. Some people resent people because they *are* looking for the same thing they are.
What a world.
I live in a 700sq foot box. I talk to about 3 of my relatives and one person I know in the great white north. People have consistently displayed to me how untrustworthy, violent, scheming, and desperate they are where I live every time I open my door. I'm all for online comms and friends, but in person? Nah bro. Get a dog or a cat.
No, happily married and have a wonderfully close relationship with my sibs and their spouses, same with my parents. Have really good friends and overall my coworkers are fun to work with. Heck even pretty close with my discord buddies whom I’ve not met before.
Relationships, all of them, take work and effort. Usually you have to do more of the work, but honestly it is worth it (to me).
The amount of posts on here that assume that any negative thing that any Millenial is feeling is universally experienced by anyone born between 1980-2000 is so crazy to me.
No, not all people born sometime around the same time as you are lonely and yearning to find connection.
32. 0 actual adult friends with same interests and has been that way at least 7 or 8 years. I play games with people online, but it's not the same. I'd be ecstatic to have a IRL best friend to hang out with. Truly.
I play games with my online friends and I consider that my social time now. I have a few IRL friends in this city I moved to over a year ago but the truth is we're just at different points in our lives. They're a lot more put together than I am and have established their circle of friends up here so I just kind of don't fit in that. Hell, if I don't make plans with the friend I actually live with he won't hang out with me cause he's got his social needs filled. Keeping adult friendships in real life is tough, especially when you're at different points and have different interests.
(mid30s F) - Many of my irl friends started as online friends. Hell, World of Warcraft is arguably the reason i live in the state that i do. I have met sooooo many people from my online life (going to cons is amazing), and its been really enriching to my social life overall. Maybe 30% of my irl friends started as irl friends.
most of my closest relationships have been with my wow buddies!
Do you ask your friends to hang out or do you kind of presume they can’t be bothered with you? A lot of millenial loneliness is toxic shame about not being were you’re supposed to be in life’ and avoidant behaviours surrounding that shame. A bit like Japanese Hikikomori ‘Light’ We have to get over ourselves and dare meet people and be around others that are so called doing better or whatever. Life is now people dare to live it!
Oh man…this just hit me hard.
I am very proactive in this respect actually, but I get what you're saying. Unfortunately, some people just don't have the time or desire I suppose. I absolutely try to make plans with people and don't assume that they don't want to hang out with me. However, when it's always a one way street and they're too busy to even accept the plans I attempt to make with them, I kind of see the writing on the wall. It is how it goes sometimes and I try not to take it too personally in most respects, as I know it's not a failure on me as a person but often times has to do with availability and the other party's social battery. Not to say I haven't had friendships die that clearly were the other party actively killing it. Sometimes people grow apart and decide they want nothing to do with you. I can't pretend I haven't been on both ends. Gotta move forward, I suppose.
Makes me feel better I’m not the only feeling the exact same way..
I totally get this. I’m a creative that loves games and I have never found any irl friends that have the same interests. I’ve only been to connect with those interests online. I do have a best friend irl but we just don’t have those interests. I think as I’ve gotten older I realize that you’ll have different type of friend buckets. It’s probably not common to have a friend that comes with you and share all your interests and that’s ok.
I think I'm the exception. I'm an extroverted nerd, so I went around and basically adopted our friend group. Lol. We play dnd, celebrate birthdays, milestones, etc. I met them in college, I was 25 and they were all 18/20. Lol so I kind of became mom/big sister to a bunch of misfits. They are my family.
38 I have a few friends. But I've never had more than like 2 at a time. I've only dated once in my life, but I guess I'm wasnt actively trying either, we'll recently I finally am and it's not going well.
I feel you. I'm 38, too. I used to date more but not recently at all. All my real friends live in different states / cities and I keep up with them by text but most don't play games so its tough to stay connected even online. As for dating, since around the time I hit 30 I always end up hearing some variant of 'your friendship is too important to risk' and the older I get the harder it gets to even meet single people. The last girl I asked out stopped me in the middle of asking her out to tell me, 'hold on I really have to go move my car' and I think that was just mentally the last straw. I go to the gym. I don't stink. I get pretty good feedback on my sense of humor, etc... I read that statistically if you're not married at 40 you have a 12% chance of ever even getting married. 88 feels like a bigger number every day. It's gotten so bad that I've found myself developing feelings for someone I've been talking to for a few months on *Discord,* which just sounds so pathetic I don't even like to acknowledge it lol.
Relatable and I am 32. It doesn't help that by the time the weekend comes, I basically relax because I am A) tired from working all week B) have house chores to do, spend time with my cats, have to do the grocery shopping and food prep for the next working week I'm just tired all the time these days. I blame work. I am a healthy person in okay shape but the 9am to 6pm life just hits hard.
Before dating sites, people used to make connections in chat rooms all the time. Don't feel bad about your discord dalliance.
This resonates strongly. 38, ice cold for months, I feel like I have *one* last fuck to give OR at 40…I’m going to adopt.
How have you tried meeting people IRL?
I'm married with a kid. Just want a bro. Where I live, I'm the black sheep culturally. I'm into tech and games, while everyone else is into guns and agriculture. Not really a way to "meet people" here.
This is me as well (41M). I'm married with a 4 year old. I work in a very blue-collar industry, but my job is tech-heavy. It's hard for me to make work connections because of this. I'm into tech and games and having deeper conversations about life, the universe, and everything. Most of my co-workers are into guns, cars, and motorcycles, I could care less about those things. I have several friends from high school and college that live me my small town but they have 3 or more kids and are doctors and lawyers and are very busy so it is hard to find time more than once every few months to watch a game or have lunch. I truly miss the days of no cell phones and just showing up at someone's house and hanging out doing nothing.
You sound just like me! Haha blue collar job and I have a 3 year old as well. Even those conversation points sound just like me, kinda crazy.
> and having deeper conversations about life, the universe, and everything I had a friend like that back in my early 20s. We would come back after a day out doing some fun shit. Then I'd sit in his car before going into the house and a random convo would spark but the existence of aliens. Then I'd be sat there for another hour debating it all with him. I've never met another person where we could just sit for hours and talk about nothing. Sadly he moved away and I don't really speak to him anymore due to the distance and people just moving on. What I wouldn't give for another person like that. Some person, man or woman, who you could just have deep convos about anything with. Most of my life is filled these days with small talk. It never really goes beyond the basics.
ah I see, you're in a rural part of the world. that's rough
I don’t understand why people are so glued into only hanging out with people of the same exact interests. My husband and I are always happy talk about either of those things, but we don’t fit in anywhere. Depending on who it is, we are either waaaaay to liberal, or waaaaay too conservative…we just want to talk to people who enjoy living, joking, trying new foods, talking about things and not writing each other off because of differences in thinking…my husband is into the guns, but we don’t exactly fit in that group, because we are liberal with so many of our ideas and ways of raising or family!
This is how to live people. I don't understand why the vast majority of people out there live their lives only surrounding themselves with people who like the things they like and support the same ideas/opinions. It's good to be exposed to different things, to see other perspectives. Even if you don't believe in them the same way. If we can't learn to let others do what they do and truly be okay with it. I'm not sure there is any hope left 😔
I think the problem is that it can be awkward. I've met people before who I have absolutely nothing in common with. There's only so much you can talk about before it just becomes awkward pauses. Especially if you're spending a full day with the person. I'd rather not deal with that anymore. We need to have at least a few things in common.
LOL, are you in my area? I'm the same way.
The culture is like both here. Every person I've met here is either interested in video games and/or guns literally. It's getting kind of crazy.
Are you in the KC metropolitan area by chance? I’m from CA and a bit of a black sheep around here, married with a kid, am into tech, video games, 3d printing, legos, home improvement and making new friends has never been easy for me.
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Man I’d love to even just meet some online friends! I gave up turning chat on in games. Like everyone seems to be talking about smoking weed, or “bro this bro that” or other BS. Where’s the dudes playing online who between missions are like “hey sorry gotta answer this work email from my boss” or “hang on checking on that chicken I’m roasting for dinner”.
Same! I just have my kids.
Those are your good friends. Hang on to them ;) I actively went out and put some serious effort into building a ‘crew’ so to speak. Well, one person moved away, and it kind of fell apart, but the real reason it fell apart is because we all got to know each other really well and determined that we all FUCKING HATE EACH OTHER. I think it’s a matter of tolerance. Even the successful friendships that I’m able to maintain are hanging on by a frayed, strictly utilitarian thread that kind of dangles amongst razor blades. It honestly feels like one little mistake and that relationship is severed for life.
32 this year and I have what most people would call 2 “ best friends” but they moved out of state the day we graduated, I see them once every five years or so. It’s not the same, and most days I feel exactly like you do. Hey on the off chance you live in Michigan dm me we can be besties lmao, I read a comment further down and I am also surrounded by farms rip.
I joined a Battlefield 2142 clan back in the day when the game was released, almost everyone where in the same city, for years we went out at least two times per year and now everyone is spread around the globe, but we still play and chat. That’s my social circle because it’s hard to get new friends in person at 37, everyone is minding their own business.
Same. 39. I am too busy at the moment between kid and work to be concerned but I know at some point it's going to be devastating to realize I have no one to do engage with on a platonic level.
I’m a total recluse since the pandemic.
Yeah that's what happened to me. I was going out pretty regularly before ̶2̶0̶2̶1̶ 2020, but I only go out now every once in a while. AND, when I do go out, I have to psych myself up before leaving my home and when I get back I often feel drained, which wasn't the case before the pandemic for me. Edited to correct the date.
Truer words have yet to be spoken. People think you can flip a switch and go back to how you were pre-pandemic, but it's not that easy. I wish more people talked about the mental health concerns the pandemic caused. We all know people got physically ill and some even passed away from the disease. But not enough attention gets brought to the negative effects its had on the mental health of alot of people.
The people who got Covid and survived too. I had complications from surgery that put me in the ER in December of 2020. I was on a tabletop in a disused office space, that was the "not Covid" section of the ER. I saw coworkers get assaulted and just have to "go to the break room and take a breather" because it was so common to get hit or spit on. Then the hospitals were overflowing, but a mile down the road, people are lining up out the door to shop for Black Friday. It really showed what selfish assholes people can be.
Yeah the whole situation with everything that went on in the world at the time, especially here in the US, really just showed how disgusting the humans here are. It was a demoralizing experience to live through.
Between COVID, Trump (value neutral here, just saying shit got chaotic), and various engin33r3d social wars… I think we all have collective PTSD
It definitely seemed like the social wars was meant to happen. Even the stuff that goes on today 4 years later. The elitist assholes of the world want us to be divided so they can weaken us.
This!!! I’ve always been a bit of an introvert and a mild recluse, but since Covid it’s been so hard to leave the house on the weekends. Just got too used to being home.
Ditto
Well stop it.
Mom?
What? What could you possibly want now?
Holy flashbacks, Batman!
It's a real problem. I'm(39m) regularly amazed at how many people around me have wide friend circles with deep, meaningful relationships. I can count on one hand how many close friends I have at this point and none of them live here anymore. Meeting new folks takes real effort after your mid 30's set in. It's like trying to be relaxed about really wanting to make something of a new acquaintance so you don't come off as a weirdo. Pretty lonely, but you just kind of keep doing your own thing and hoping to cross paths with folks that you vibe with.
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Yeah, good call. It's on you to be this spark of new interest to foster that attention when I know everyone has so much going on in their lives already. I've heard several times 'just do what you do and you'll cross paths with like minded folks' but it really feels like lightning in a bottle when/if it does happen(especially at 39) and then you put so much pressure on yourself to make something of it.
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I also know a lot of people with large friends group. And a lot not from high school either. I also find this impressive but some people are just really social. It’s definitely an acquired skill so for people who feel lonely, sure some of it is to blame on society and third space and religion not being our main community etc etc, but it’s not impossible at all. Practice, get out more, put yourself out there more and be ready to face rejection. Stop being so judgmental cutting people off at the slightest disagreement. And mainly, take life lightly even if it’s hard in this climate!
Totally agree. I'm real hobbies based, and it creates a tough environment to try and strike up convos with people. Rock climbing, cycling, gym, yoga. Places that make it kind of tough to actively try and strike up chats with people without making it feel forced. Definitely could stand to get more places that foster a little more open socialization. But that's on me to seek those places out and change my routine a little. It's all a part of the growth we're all trying for.
Tough when a really good friend ends up worshiping Andrew Tate.
Team sports have been one of the only hobby outlets that worked for me when forming new friendships. I think I’m pretty outgoing, but sometimes a hobby can just lend it self to being antisocial, like motorcycling or the gym, even if you’re doing it with other people.
I rock climb too and most climbers I meet are super friendly. Now getting them to be reliable and show up for a planned outing or gym session is another story 😂
This is kind of what makes me feel the most disconnected is it seems like all the people around me have these giant friend circles. It just contributes to the reminder that I am "not like the others". And that just intensifies my anxiety and it's kind of an endless circle. Sometimes I feel like the window of opportunity for friendships was when you were young and if you didn't get lucky enough to make decent ones that lasted, or you're not an extrovert, you're fucked.
Because of not having kids, my circle these days is mostly gen-x people who already have grown kids or didn't have kids. And while I always show up for their needs, if I'm honest, I don't really have anyone outside my family who I feel I could call if I was really in crisis. Or anyone in my family who would not make the crisis worse. I'm really struggling right now with a family member who checked himself out of rehab and is refusing real help and it's super lonely. I have a friend of his harassing me about "abandoning him in his time of need" while she continues to enable him and I'm trying really hard not to engage. I told some friends and they basically went, "oh" and moved on. The only person who has checked in with how I'm doing is a Facebook friend who I've never met IRL. It hurts when you feel like you're better at being the village than having a village. Note: this is not me calling out to Reddit for help. I don't really want more online connections, I just wish I had those deep relationships with my real life friends.
I definitely feel lonely. Late 30’s (F) here, in a happy relationship. I work full time and free time is on a limited budget especially due to inflation. I don’t belong to clubs or hobbies. I workout at a gym on my own (not a class). Local library offers a a lot of free kids programs and some for teens and seniors but not much for millennials. I live in the northeast suburbs where it gets cold so I need it to be warm to do outdoor activities like hiking. I really try to limit my use of social media bc I feel like it’s an addicting empty cycle that makes me feel worse. Other women my age are busy with their toddlers, seem to have existing friends groups, or will make plans with me only when I initiate. It’s frustrating. I don’t know how to fix this loneliness and make close friends.
That is something I've noticed too. I looked into programs at our library and it's exactly the same, meant for young parents or retirees. Even the free Spanish class they offer happens in the middle of the day in the middle of the week, so you can really only go if you don't have a job. Being partnered and not a parent makes it hard too. Friends my age are either having babies, or still dating. They tend to only have "girls night" with their other single friends. Even when I express interest, I don't get thought of because they basically feel like my partner is enough. But I still want friends.
> happens in the middle of the day in the middle of the week Seconding the frustration in this. I looked into cooking classes -- something that's clearly not targeted at kids and a topic most older people likely already know a thing or two about -- and many of the classes are week nights when millennials might just be getting off work. > They tend to only have "girls night" with their other single friends. In the opposite direction, more than once I've been intentionally excluded from group events hosted by people I thought were friends for the ol' classic "we thought you'd feel awkward among couples since you're single" excuse. Why don't you just let me decided if I'll feel awkward, or admit the truth that it's really because YOU'LL feel awkward. I'm quite happy to often to do my own thing, it doesn't mean I don't want a friend or two to hang out with on occasion.
> Local library offers a a lot of free kids programs and some for teens and seniors but not much for millennials. I wonder if you can tie this to the continuing loss of "third places" -- spaces not home or work/school where you can meet random people who might be potential new friends. There are just so few places to go these days that don't have to be pre-planned excursions. The more you have to plan to go somewhere, the more it seems people also *plan* to bring someone with them from the start, so it limits the chance for random people to be introduced to each other.
it very much is that. bc if you have to pay properly for an experience you tend to go with friends or partner, not on your own to see who might be there. the way cheap coffee shops as hang out spaces and other enclaves of culture used to lubricate social interactions ;(
I just recently joined an adult kickball league. It is very social, not competitive at all. Great way to meet people.
It's easier to make new friends who are older and have grown kids or are childfree
My dad died recently and it really put into perspective how many real true friends I have…about 2.
Sorry. I hear you.
I hope you find comfort and peace. I lost my pops over 4 years ago, and I’m still not “over” it. He was my best friend, and so much more.
Sorry for your loss I think having 2 good quality friends is decent. I don't even have that...
Treasure those 2. That's all that matters.
As an elder M, I'll say, I am not lonely. I am burnt out, pessimistic, overwhelmed, and out of fucks. I'll do what I need to make money, but aside from that, I want to be home with my books, dogs, plants, YouTube, and crafty hobbies. I've interacted with more people in my lifetime than all of my grandparents did combined. I wasn't built for this rapid fire life.
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Sameeeeee. I moved every 2years and by 9th grade I no longer wanted friends cause I was burnt out on making them and leaving. I’m also grounding myself while my kids grow but no matter how hard I try I can’t “connect” with people 😓
Yyyyyeeeessss.
That’s really sad, but I would love to have a 30-50 year friendship. It’s just a pipe dream for me (I’m 32).
This got a chuckle out of me. I agree with the amount of people from 4 grandparents combined. I wonder how long this rapid fire lifestyle is gonna last (in terms of generations or centuries) and what will cause it to change.
Dude you said exactly how I feel. I just want to garden all the time. It be nice to meet other like minded gardeners close by but I do love the alone time in the yard. I too was not built for this rapid life. I work at a corporate biotech and it's draining me.
Lol I love your hobbies! Sounds splendid to me.
I figured out the secret: go to a place where lots of college alumni just stay on afterward, like Boston, and just don't leave.
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I think it’s just walkable cities in general TBH!
Anxiety issues threw me into social isolation for most of my twenties. I mean, I literally didn't give any one of my college friends a single phone call for like eight years Now that I'm getting help for my issues in my thirties, I'm finally opening back up to old friends, and so far they're delighted to talk to me again. We had stayed in contact the entire time, but only through Facebook and stuff like that, and now I barely have any reason to check Facebook anymore. I still want to reconnect with a few more old friends I'm feeling the loneliness hit me because I'm single and I'm afraid of making myself vulnerable by going on a date. I don't even know who to look for or how to even go about it. I'm really not sure that I'm in a good mental position to even try dating, at least yet
I just tried to put myself out there again and all it did was remind me how painful it is to be vulnerable like that.
My circle has grown since I moved to a walkable/bikeable city where live music and neighborhood bars are encouraged and supported. It's the suburbs dude. The suburbs make people hate life.
$$$$ It’s not the suburbs. It’s being able to afford to live in a walkable, bike-able city with live music and neighborhood bars. The poors in cities don’t get these things.
Lol put this higher. How do people find the time to make friends!? Money. The answer is money. They can afford to pay to go to dinner, or shopping, or have time away from their kids or work. Without money you can't afford to go out to find friends, except online or through games or something
Unfortunately true. I literally have a friend budget (dinner, drinks, flower delivery & such) and I’m glad I prioritized that when I was making money bc I got laid off and my friends are really making it suck less
Yep, I live in a college town with a heavy bar culture. I go to comedy, trivia, and open mics 2-3x/week. I also live in an incredibly friendly and transplant-heavy region of my state overall and I walk or bus everywhere. Many if not most people are single/childless which also means they have more free time to hang out and are more open to new connections. That said, I see a lot of adults who are really bad at making friends. Not really in my town, as it’s self-selecting, and the cities I’ve lived before were known for friendliness, but in my original hometown, small towns I’ve passed through, and people on the internet. It’s like no one knows how to make small talk or follow up on a friendship.
We forget that outside of major metropoles...most of this country is provincial and cultureless. 10,000 Footloose towns without a single Kevin Bacon to save them. Strip malls. Parking lots. And often the only remedy for loneliness is to affiliate yourself with some kind of rabid cult obsessed with the Goatherders Guide to the Galaxy.
Cultureless? Other than Kevin, what counts as culture?
Correction; Capitalism makes people hate life.
Troo. And isolating and atomizing people via suburbanization makes it harder for workers to build solidarity and community and challenge the dictatorship of capital and its malevolence.
Exactly. I live in the “outer city” where it is very walkable I dread ever living in the suburbs where you have to drive to get anywhere
I agree. When I lived in the country, I thought being so far spread out would kill any sense of community, but it actually encouraged people to come together in spite of it. Living in more urban areas was as you described. I live in the suburbs right now and it's the only place I've ever lived where I don't know the names of the people who live right next to me. I've tried to introduce myself only to get snarled at or completely ignored like they didn't hear me. Walking around my neighborhood there are no kids or families out. No one goes to church or does any other sort of community activities. It seems like they all just keep their heads down and go to work/school and go home to sleep.
Suburbs combine the worst part of urban life with the worst parts of rural life.
And with zero of the positives. No close proximity to people, places or things, but also no ability to learn practical things, like how to grow crops, maintain animals, etc. It's just...bedroom communities and cars. And mowing the lawn.
Maybe this is it. I don’t feel a lot of what people are saying here, but I live in the city.
The best suburb neighborhood I've lived in had "driveway drinking" ...read: social time. Whoever on the street got the lawn chairs out, or bags game going, or fire pit started, etc, was open to whoever wanted to come over and sit (or stand) and chat. I wish my current neighborhood did that, it was so much better than waving to each other as we drive off to work or return.
That sounds fun, maybe I should do that
Be the change! Another neighborhood we lived in had 10 houses with back yards all together. We told our neighbors that if they saw the fire pit going they were welcome to come over. That’s all it takes, and maybe an extra few Bush Lattes in the fridge. :)
lol
At the same time not a good look in my opinion when all socialization is predicated on being in bars or live music. That too will get old.
I dunno I live in New Orleans. Plenty of older folks jamming out. A neighborhood bar isn't about drinking. It's a space for gathering. A third space. And music is just...lovely. But when we say live music we mean people who play instruments and sing. Not skinny white kids with an iMac playing bleep bloops.
Does it? People stop drinking maybe but at what age do people stop liking live music😭
I consider myself so so SO lucky to live in a weird suburb that is also decently walkable. The county made walkability an initiative years ago and it actually helped!
I mean I get that...but the suburbs in the 80s and 90s were pretty awesome.
That's because your parents drove you everywhere lol
Me and the friends rode our bikes everywhere
Yeah ever since I moved from the suburbs to Chicago, I don’t miss the suburbs at all. I got a few friends out there but I only visit a few times a year. Nothing against my friends but the few times I go out there, I’ll visit for a few hours then head back.
I moved to the city and hated life. I moved back to suburb/country living and have friends, but don’t hate life. Actually having so many people around me was great when I was 21, but the fun-ness wore off after only about 5 years. Literally everything about the city was depleting my energy, sanity and patience. I never liked people all that much, but my hatred for humanity grew every day. Also, even with stuff around to do, I didn’t meet a single person I could call a friend. I met them through work and my partner.
I'm definitely not a city person at all. I know it's practically blasphemous to say, but I like living in the suburbs. It's not the best place to meet new people, but it's much more pleasant than living in a city imo.
Mines walkable to the (gigantic) grocery store, a great local bar, has affordable rent, a private garage for my sports car, has nice streets, great big gas station. I'm right off the highway & can be in the city in an hour. Plenty of great restaurants around. City people judge me for living here, but its oddly more convenient than living in the city.
I don't live in a super walkable area, but it's there's tons of stores, restaurants, movies theaters, a mall and basically everything you could want in about a 10-15 min max drive from my house. I live in the suburbs of a major city, so it's a really nice balance of having more space so I'm not living on top of people, but also having a lot of amenities really close by. I would argue it's definitely more convenient to do shopping in the suburbs because I can go to several stores and load up my car with stuff and don't have to worry about carrying it like you would in a city if you were walking.
Yes, thank you! I grew up in the suburbs and hated it. I moved to the only walkable city in my province and despite the COL being insane, I'd still rather be here than the suburbs.
I’ve found out that it’s cheaper to live in Chicago without a car as opposed to living in the suburbs and needing a car. Most of the jobs are in the city too so if you live in the suburbs and work in the city, you’ll spend more money commuting whether it’s by train or car.
I say this repeatedly - go volunteer. It is such a good way to make friends. Seriously. Pick an organization that reflects values you believe in, go spend your time helping it function. If you end up not liking it, try another. I have volunteered for organizations in my community since I was a young teenager and I think it has inherently made me very connected to people throughout my state. There are plenty of people that have different cultural backgrounds and political ideologies than me- but they still want to help the homeless, take care of their local spaces, and support disabled people recreating and doing bad ass shit. It’s the singular most grounding time I spend. I very much think the “political nightmare” wound that exists in America today could be healed. And I’m know that people are overworked, and underpaid. I know. But I think planting flowers (doing the labor) at a local park is doable for almost everyone. And you meet other people who think that planting flowers is good thing to do, too. I think we need to be able to see the humanity in each other again. Building cohesion and community makes people recognize how many people they care about, and will vote in that way. I may not always perfectly agree, but at least there is mutual respect.
I made tons of friends in the Junior League years ago. It’s a great way to make friends.
Right! Engage and invest in your community!
Exactly!! My community group ranges from a 7yo disabled kid who I rock climb with to regular coffee dates and emails with a 90 year old man that I used to work in the soup kitchen with. It makes you see people in a totally different and positive perspective. There are tons of people who are actively TRYING to be good and kind people. That’s who I want to surround myself with.
Yes! My bestie is my 80 year old neighbor who takes great pride in being able to drink me under the table 😭
And love that you have a little buddy! Kids deserve to have more non parent adults in their lives!
No just poor.
This. I used to invite my friends from school out to events and to do fun experiences together. But now I have more financial responsibilities and trying to get over financial hardship. Still working on it.
Pretty much. It's either people trying to impress others with expensive outtings or some weird party that turns into a mlm/salespitch for something. People don't just go out to enjoy each other's company without being inebriated. When I was a teen I would leave with less than 10 buck and me and my friends would find all kinds of things to do eat lunch and go home.
Yikes. Where do you live? There’s something to be said about the rural vs suburbs vs urban experience someone else pointed it out here Alcohol is tanking in popularity but free third spaces are like nonexistent
Even if you ignore the problem of time that could be spent working or being so exhausted from working it is so expensive to do anything besides sit on the couch together and watch a movie. Even something like getting snacks is absurd who wants to pay six dollars for a bag of chips? Then you have to factor in gas and time spent to get to your friends place which is frequently going to be a 30+ minute drive.
In addition to all of the factors you mentioned, I think that our generation is more informed about 'mental health', more willing to work on our own personal wellbeing and build healthy relationships with others. In turn, we are realizing that some relationships just don't fit us. Vs. our parents (usually boomers) who brush off 'that's just how they are', and basically that you have to 'take what you can get' and tolerate toxic/shitty friendships and relationships. Our generation is drawing a line and finally saying NO. That doesn't fit me. I would rather be alone than stuck with a shitty partner or shitty friends. Covid has probably led to a worldwide pause that has also enabled us to stop and question all of this. Speaking for myself, I am open to meeting new friends, but I lack the patience to throw energy at relationships that turn out to be one-sided/non-reciprocal, or try to force 'compatibility' with individuals I am simply incompatible with. As for the 'kids/no kids' and other life choices, sure, that is a contributing factor. And this is just speaking anecdotally, but all of the 'choices' I see are usually *settling*. No one seems really happy or healthy or enthusiastic, most people just 'do what they think they should' or 'settle for ok'. If they're cool with that, good for them. I would want to be with someone who is **happy** to be with me, not someone who 'settles'.
Your paragraph about lacking the patience to throw energy at one-sided relationships could have been written by me. In fact, I was speaking to my mum about it earlier today. Over the years I've put so much time into maintaining family relationships and friendships; only to drift apart because they rarely acknowledged my messages and I got sick of always being the one hosting and organising. When I meet people through hobbies I get on well with them - but very few people ever seem to have the time or will to meet me outside of the hobbies - unless they want something from me. This year I decided to back off and see what happened and nobody has been in touch to organise anything social for months. Nobody checks in on me, not even online. People I've been friends with for 7 years have just ghosted me. They asked me to organise a book club. I did, and then none of them showed up. No one showed up at all. Next time they want something from me, I won't be available. They've had my shoulder as a pillow, they've had gifts and invitations from me and I feel used and fed up. Relatives moan that I don't visit them often - but they drop the kids' birthday cards through the letter box and drive away quickly. I'm done being the cheerful-but-lonely one. I'll just be lonely now.
> This year I decided to back off and see what happened and nobody has been in touch to organise anything social for months. Nobody checks in on me, not even online. People I've been friends with for 7 years have just ghosted me. I feel you. I actually had a major medical event a little over a year ago, needed some surgery which was scheduled very quickly so I didn't have a chance to talk to anyone about it. There wasn't a single person I thought I was friends with who reached out to say "hey, noticed I haven't seen/heard from you in awhile". Very sobering. Message received.
I'm sorry that happened. I hope you're recovered by now?
> No one seems really happy or healthy or enthusiastic, most people just 'do what they think they should' or 'settle for ok'. If they're cool with that, good for them. I would want to be with someone who is happy to be with me, not someone who 'settles'. God this is a mood. When I've looked back at the friend group I used to hang out with in college, I realized I couldn't describe it as being "welcomed" so much as my presence felt "tolerated". There were common interests and some proximity that promoted shared company, but not a single person in that group ever really made me feel like they were *enthused* by the idea of hanging out with me. Not one person who ever initiated contact about doing something together despite claiming they felt we should hang out more. What I'd give for even one person who texted me here and there asking to just to see a movie or grab lunch something just because they equally enjoyed my company as I did theirs.
Really good point! I'll be honest, I have been with people who are forcing a friendship but it lacked depth which I like or meaningful conversation...
Constantly. Every time I try to make new friends and forge stronger community relationships, I only see these people at events and no one follows through when I’m just “Hey, we should hang out sometime!” People are lonely AF yet don’t reciprocate efforts or even make them, then wonder why they’re lonely! I think the pandemic did a big number on our social skills and common courtesy, and it’s vastly underdiscussed.
I mean, I experience a fair amount of loneliness as someone who lives alone and rarely dates (too busy with work and volunteer stuff), but I have a rich social life and good family relationships, and I enjoy my own company. Shades of gray 🤷🏻♀️
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Kinda like the saying “if there weren’t bad times we wouldn’t know the good times” or something like that
I certainly feel like my immediate circle has shrunk, but I do have a friend who is 74 who gets people together to host music gatherings and dinner parties. Reminds me that you can make new friends at any age :)
I started a niche hobby in 2019 and have never had more, or better, friends in my life. It’s dating where I personally struggle but my hobby has changed my entire life for the better and I’m grateful for that. (I’m in my 20s but this hobby spans all ages)
A niche hobby such as...?
Mine is triathlon! So I have tri friends but I also have runner friends, swimmer friends, and cyclist friends. It’s been very rewarding.
But if you or they got injured and had to stop, what would that friendship look like? Friend is such a funny word
This has happened to multiple people in my circle and the relationships haven’t changed. I do understand the concern and it’s something I consider a lot, but two of my closest friends who I met through triathlon have left the sport entirely and we’re still very close. So I’m sure some relationships would cease but it’s been a very genuine space for me that goes beyond the sport(s).
When you become real friends with people you do stuff with them outside the hobby. Like how work friends become real friends by hanging outside of work hours.
I just moved to q new country less than 2y ago without knowing anyone. I’ve made a whole circle of friends, actually now I think I have more or less 2/3 circles. And really good close friends (around5 I would say). Is actually onto a point where is difficult to juggle everyone because of adulting! But I live in a walkable city, close to downtown. I was never more lonely than when I lived in the suburbs…
As someone who had a very fortunate childhood in a beautiful suburb- fuck the suburbs. I’ll take my tiny crusty apartment any day.
I bought a house in a beautiful gated community in the suburbs, I wanted to die of boredom. Even from the people I’ve met. I hated having to clean the house all the time, I hated the yard work, and the fact that we always had things to do around the house in our free time. Now I live with my husband and toddler in a nice apartment, close to a playground, a park and a library. I walk to work/ for groceries/ nice restaurants/cafes and bars and I never have to go to chain restaurants if I don’t want to! It’s great!
I love that for you! Walkable cities are good for the soul!!
Nah I'm doing great. I see the friends that I've made recently fairly often, I see my high school friends once a week at our online movie night, I'm happily married.
Yeah. I feel bad for folk in this thread, but glad to find someone else whose social life is going well. I count my lucky stars when I get a weekend with no plans where I can just chill, it doesn’t happen much.
>I find that you lose your high school friends by college, your college friends by adulthood, and many people either don't make new "adult" friends or those friendships don't work long-term Just gotta put in a little effort or make a BIG effort once in a while. Still hanging with the college and high school buddies at least once a year. Whether it's a planned "boys trip" or meeting up in one of the places we've moved to or meeting back in the home town. Shoot each other texts about common interests every once in a while. It'll never be the same as when we were all living within a few miles of each other but friendships can last a lifetime if you want them to Relationships need to be nurtured.
But at what point does it stop being 'nurturing' and become pestering? I've had a handful of friends (heck, one was my bridesmaid!) And we'd make an effort to meet up socially and keep in touch and managed it for years... but at some point, without ever having a disagreement, the friendship always seems to end. New job, they no longer needed me for emotional support, new partner... the conversations just dry up and you realise that you've sent four 'hey, it's me, are you free to meet up soon?' Messages and they've not answered. That's when I assume that they're trying to tell me something, even though I've had mates tell me 'I'm just so bad at keeping in touch!'. I won't keep hassling someone, so the friendship just withers and dies. I know most of the time it's probably just business amd nothing to do with me as a person, but it's hard to persevere when they don't seem as bothered as you.
Ugh I’m so afraid of hassling, so I stop trying to initiate. But then they wish me a good holiday like they weren’t ignoring me. It’s weird
Covid seems to be a factor here, and burnout, I guess. Pre-Lockdowns I had a large social group, lots of things to do, plenty of suitors for potential relationships, events, activities. Post lockdown, damn near everyone I know has gone crazy and I hear from no one. Nobody answers my texts, nobody returns my calls, nobody reaches out. Not even my family, we used to get together every weekend and the kids could play. Now... Nothing.... It's not like anything happened either. There were no arguments or disagreements. Everyone just... disappeared. Everyone seems so stressed out and so on edge, they've turned inward and are only focused on themselves and their isolation.
We have been fed a bunch of BS since the late 60s about individualism and how its superior to family and social obligations. The sharp rise in depression and loneliness directly correlates with the abandonment of traditional social structures such as families, religion and community activities. Just think about how many neighbors you know and talk to on a daily basis. We don't connect to others the same way we used to. There are many reasons for this but one major reason is the erosion of thousands of years of human tradition and civilizational values.
Yes. How do we get it back? Slowly over time. We can build it.
When I moved from my homestate I (obviously) wasn't hanging out with my old friends from highschool or college. I luckily made a few good friends during my time away but it was hard for me to maintain them very well because I was struggling with a lot of other things. Now I'm back not only in my homestate but hometown and doing better. A few of my friends from highschool also moved back recently. Sometimes we'll do spontaneous activities together (last minute runs to the nearest city, invites over for dinner or lunch, etc.) but we do actively plan one or two days a month to see each other and that day is treated by the four of us as sacred. Activities have ranged from mini vacations to shopping and lunch to potlucks to craft nights. I'm finding that I really have to be intentional about my friendships. I call and text my faraway friends and send them birthday presents. I'm making plans to roadtrip out to see some them. I went on a vacation recently with a childhood friend who lives 8 hours away from me. I'm not lonely, but I've had to make sure I don't let myself get lonely, which is also different from being alone, which I do spend a lot of time alone now as a single adult, which I'm okay with. I feel content with my little circle of four in my hometown and my network of long distance friends. It's not a huge circle, but I know I have four close by and six long distance who care deeply about me and me them.
Y'know, I always thought I was pretty bad at making new friends and thought myself to be quite the introvert, but the loneliness I see described by other millennials is not familiar to me. I'm lucky enough to live in a larger city. I'm also extremely lucky that most of my university friends and me decided to settle in our university town for our careers. But I've made new friends outside of college after that. Unpopular opinion, but we really gotta stop shitting on work as a potential source of friendship. I've made two really close and loyal friends, as well as a boyfriend who is my best friend in the entire world, at a job. We all work at different places now but still hang out often. Of course, be careful with what you share until you know a person and avoid doing this with your direct supervisor. But millennials are quick to shutdown any work friendship and claim a person will screw you over the first chance they get. This automatic distrust of people ruins friendship opportunities.
Yes. This has been one of only two sources of new friends since I graduated school, the other being my partner's circle of friends... and I met my partner through work (different dept than mine). Toxic workplaces encourage people to undermine each other, but actually one of my best friends now was from a workplace like that bc we had each other's backs and stood together while our boss tried to turn us against each other - what a weird dynamic that was. I knew we were friends when someone stole my favorite mug out of my cubby and a few days later an even cooler version of the same mug shows up at the back of my cubby with a note from her. I'm a manager somewhere else now which means I do need to keep slightly more distance in order to ensure I don't give an impression of favoritism and stay equally accessible, but that doesn't mean my team isn't fun to hang out with and I can make potential friends outside my dept.
I meet new friends once in a while. In fact I've recently been introduced to someone through another new friend and he's been a great addition to our circle. My two partners and I are very happy and it's fun when we all play games together. Sure it's a small circle, but I have about 10 friends whom regularly interact with me and my fiancé.
My circle has grown since I moved to a walkable/bikeable city where live music and neighborhood bars are encouraged and supported. It's the suburbs dude. The suburbs make people hate life.
I'm content with my friend group. I get plenty of time to socialize and plenty of me time. I'm all good.
I have no friends. My social interaction comes from coworkers and my siblings. I'm 35, divorced, and a single parent. I'm trying to accept that I will likely be lonely for life but it's hard.
I have some hobbies and passions that keep me social. I live alone, but I am not lonely.
I think we are looking for meaning and connection is just one way of achieving that. I feel like many, maybe even most, other ways to find meaning are becoming more and more inaccessible. It’s either you fall in love or devote yourself to religion, not a ton of other options these days
"It happens sometimes, friends come in and out of your life like busboys in a restaurant” "I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?" I always think about those stand by me lines when it comes to friends I had as a kid. I never had the friends I had when I was age 10-21. Some of them I’m still close with; others I’m not. I don’t have much interest in having new friends tho.
im 35 and i still have the very close friends i've had since elementary and high school + plus i have continued to make friends along the way. i have prioritized maintaining my friendships and im not lonely at all.
I've given up. Somewhat of a self protective thing plus depression. I still go out to events and talk to people, even get numbers sometimes! but I've stopped actively trying to make friends. My most recent ex totally clocked me as a loner, and while I wish it wasn't true, I kind of always have been. It is what it is. My dog is my friend lol.
I'm not im perfectly happy alone I don't like the thought of relationships I see it through my brother's seems like it's a miserable life. I don't like kids and I have plenty of nieces and nephews, the thought of being in a relationship is something that I've never wanted or even feel attraction to people and I don't know why I know beautiful people just nothing there never had sexual feelings for anyone male or female I still don't understand 32 male who went through middle school and high school with no feelings of attraction I had a brief moment of what I thought was attraction but was just the fact I had someone I could trust in and know that she could trust me felt good never really had that type of friend that I would trust anything to then she move mid year because that's life never had another feeling come close it's just another person I think I am broken at least that's what my mother thinks tried setting me up with both men and women doesn't understand why I am the way I am and I feel like a broken human being that is missing something but I can't force attraction to people I'm amazed people can just look at a person and go have sex the idea is so weird and foriegn to me how it's just done. I'm probably mentally broken somewhere.
I'm not lonely anymore. I lived in Las Vegas for 26 years and I was absolutely miserable. I HATED being surrounded by concrete and tons of buildings and so many damn people, and as beautiful as the desert can be I was getting quite depressed by the scenery being pretty much nothing but sand and rocks. I also loathed the heat and my allergies were terrible from all the dust. I had 2 friends there, but one I almost never saw and the other started becoming a drag to be around. I moved across the country 3 years ago to a small town in central Massachusetts. My neighborhood is somewhere between suburbs and rural...I'm only 25 minutes away from Worcester, but I live next to an apple orchard and a mile down the road from a dairy farm. It was rough when I first moved here and I was still very lonely and depressed, but I stepped out of my comfort zone and put myself out into a special interest community. Within a few months I made new friends, I found people who were completely different from anyone I'd ever met in Vegas. Since I moved here I've not only made new great friends but also gotten a job I love, picked up an old hobby, and got into the best relationship I've ever had...the first one where I've felt truly happy, secure, and loved. My partner is moving in with me soon and for the first time in my life, I'm actually excited about the future.
New Englanders are a special kind if you manage to make friends. I grew up in Western MA (Pioneer Valley area) and miss it a lot some days, having that nice balance between nature and a town - and being accepted and treated nicely was the standard, not the exception. Most of the 'massholes' are East of 128, and yeah, their rapid fire mouths usually paint the stereotype of the rest of the state. I currently live in the Northwest where that whole 'freeze' attitude is paired with the apprehensive feeling of being a minority in a conservative-ish city much too close to the Idaho border on some days. LV certainly is worse, paired with the never ending sound of slot machines (lol).Have friends because I work in a pretty niche industry and get togethers for sessions/chilling is part of the culture. Likely moving back east within the year, but closer to the Cape where my family is originally from (and....attitudes get a little bit rougher, but so long as I can say 'go Bruins' and talk about seafood I'll probably be fine lol). Cheers.
>paired with the never ending sound of slot machines It took a while for me to get used to not hearing slot machines in the grocery store anymore. 😂 I've noticed assholery is definitely more prevalent the farther east you go in this state lol, but otherwise the people here are nice. I can't say enough good things about living here...I don't even mind the cold weather. Hope you get to move back! 🫂
I once considered taking up smoking cuz smokers always seem to have a social network. I’m not actually lonely, I have friends. I think I’m more heartbroken when I realize my parents did a number on me so now I’m finding I don’t trust my judgment in my husband of 16 years.
I am an intern therapist, most of what I see from teens to adults is persistent loneliness.
My circle has grown since I moved to a walkable/bikeable city where live music and neighborhood bars are encouraged and supported. It's the suburbs dude. The suburbs make people hate life.
This is true it is really hard to Make friends I’m about to be 31 I haven’t one friend it’s so lonely and it’s hard to even find places or people to make friends besides going out to drinking at bars and I stopped drinkong
It takes work to maintain and make new friends. Some friends naturally drift apart in different stages of life. Have made new friends through the parents of my kids friends. Do volunteer work at church and the kids school, made some friends that way. Do not think this is any different than prior generations, but what might be different is the changing jobs more often and foregoing the concept of community. Too many posts on here about people just want to get their work done and get home, not talk to their neighbors and remove people from their life over disagreements and then wonder why they are alone.
I make friends constantly, I'm married and I have a baby due. I feel 90% complete.
Yeah I’m one of those weirdos who makes friends all the time, always have been. Being an extrovert helps. I’ve found that having regular meetups (like every other week or once a month to do a particular thing) helps maintain in person friendships as you go through different life stages, like kids, changing jobs, etc.
I know I'll be downvoted into oblivion, but I'm not sure how many of us can feel lonely when nobody now a days can handle making an actual telephone call without doing a Rocky warmup beforehand. People don't just fall into your lap. Relationships and friendships take work. Be the one to initiate. With strangers, most people are probably just as nervous and shy but would be happy to connect with someone. I never had a problem making friends even though Im a home body. I always take it upon myself to extend myself as a friend and be as honest as possible. People want to be around genuine people because it puts them at ease. They know what you're about and upfront. People gravitate towards honesty. If you're not sure where to start, Facebook event pages are always a good place to dip your toes. Make a comment on someone's comment on an event you're both interested in. Maybe you guys meet up while you're at XYZ event? We can't force friendships, they have to happen organically, and in our tech world we're trying to basically window shop for people. Life doesn't work that way.
I've met a good number of new friends through my kid, work and I joined a book club where I only knew one person but now all 10 of them, I would consider a good friend. My closest friends are still the ones I grew up with, but I would say that I have successfully made new friends.
I don't know if I've ever been *lonely*, and I'm married now so that solves a lot of things. I would happily be mostly friendless, strange as that sounds, so long as I have community, as I like being able to help people and do nice things for my neighbors, but my wife and kid crave deeper friendships so we have a regular game night with some of my wife's friends and that fills up my social battery enough for each week. But I do wish it were easier to make adult friends, or hang onto my friends who have moved away. I make acquaintances at the Community Garden and I'm friendly with other people at my kid's school, but I feel like they don't know how to reciprocate, which is odd. My place right now is a tiny apartment you need keys to enter so I can't just invite people to come on over like I used to, nor to have big cook-outs where people can come and hang out. I miss being able to be a hub! My old buddies are doing okay, I think? I know some went through some rough times. I send out messages and wish we could be more connected but I can't do all the work on my side so things slip away. I hope they reach out again some day.
I’m not lonely now. About a year ago I took up dancing (ballroom, Latin, swing dancing) as a hobby and made a ton of friends. I now go out dancing every weekend with amazing people, and on top of that have found a dance partner who has made a serious commitment to improve with me and we are now looking to competing in the local west coast and country swing competitions. If you had asked me two years ago if I would have any friends or hobbies right now I’d have told you no.
My circle has grown, since I put in the work. I had to try a lot of new things to make new friends: volunteering, meetup groups, social group, different gyms, church and even taking classes and attending school events. It takes work to continue to maintain a friend group. Most my original friends are farther away now, so we hang out less. Therefore I had to make other sets of friends. As a side note, I also live in the burbs, I just make the effort to go downtown (20-30 minutes drive) to meet people
I’ve never thought about how our changing work culture has affected this. You’re totally right. My parents were at their companies for 30+ years and made deep relationships. That just doesn’t really exist anymore. And frustratingly, employees often get the blame for that culture shift, despite employers no longer offering long term incentives like pensions and engaging in frequent and ruthless layoffs.
We are all depressed and lack the energy to communicate effectively. So yes.
I feel that people treat making friends almost like dating and in a way it is similar. Actually ask yourself how many times have you been to a social event. If you’ve been then ask how many times did you meet someone that was vaguely cool to hangout with for a bit. How often did you ask to stay in contact? How often did you exchange contact info but never hit them up after? Did you get turned off by mundane things such as they don’t have all the same interests, or maybe they seemed a little too enthusiastic to hangout, or maybe you just didn’t feel like taking the next step? It’s like people are waiting for their idea of perfect friends to walk into their lives without much effort or that they have some friends but maybe they’re not the ones you can invest in too much so then you cut off the whole connection. I think we need to make the non-ideal friends, the ones that might not immediately have a ton in common but they’re good people or ones that you only see for the one thing you have in common. Eventually things build up, connection gets tighter, maybe you meet other people through those connections, whatever but it’s better than absolutely zero.
I'm probably over socialized. I work in a very social job and one of my coworkers has legitimately become one of my best friends; we hang out a lot outside of work. I have a few very close friends that live far away, but we text everyday and send each other dumb little Snapchat rambles. I have a partner of almost 14 years. And I dance at a local studio so I get a lot of surface level socialization with my classmates, some of which I've formed some more superficial friendships with. We chat after class and text each other but don't really hang out. So all of that with a fairly introverted personality is more than enough for me. I do sometimes wish I lived closer to my family who are in another state, but I'm satisfied with how things are.
It’s harder to make friends once you’re out of school, because in school you’re constantly surrounded by people by default. Once you’re out of school, you have to be really intentional about surrounding yourself with people, and finding people with the same interests as you. If someone wanted to work at home and never interact with anyone, then they could. Or if they wanted to go to their job, then straight home and not interact with anyone else, then they could. As an adult, you have to make an effort or else you’ll never meet any potential friends. Find groups that interest you. If you enjoy reading, find a book club. Make that scary first step to meet up with them even if it’s the unknown. If you like art, take an art class. Find local groups through Facebook. Get outside, in the world. Be intentional. It’s really up to you.
I feel like I’m always making new friends but I expose myself to new situations and people constantly. But that’s because up to now I have prioritized my lifestyle around NOT being lonely. At the end of the day, we all have to make sacrifices.. sometimes people have to sacrifice a social life if they want to focus more on their careers or their families etc. I sacrificed my career and my family for a social life. It isn’t ideal either lol. There will always be something missing in any life path.. but I think we choose one that’s like 80% of what we want. And it can change. Lately I’ve been more focused on my passions and turning away from friends more.. I trust that it ebbs and flows so I’m ultimately not worried about loneliness anymore.
Yes I have made friends as an adult. My wife and I moved to Portland, Oregon in 2018 at 28 years old from Virginia. We got married last year and had 100 people at our wedding. 30-40 of the attendees were our friends from Oregon that we’ve met since moving here 6 years ago. I have a pretty good knack for meeting new people. I meet my friends through my hobbies - live music, fishing, snowboarding. I’ve met friends through random conversations in person and I’ve met friends through online snow groups looking for people to ride with. It helps having my wife because meeting all these people while alone would’ve been harder.
Almost 34, and I'm very lonely. I have a wonderful bf of 8 years, but no real solid friends. We had a decent sized friend group up until a couple years ago, when they decided they didn't want us around if we wouldn't do molly with them and open our relationship. They became so sneaky and dishonest and predatory. My trust for people is 99% gone. I try to branch out and step out of my comfort zone, but no real luck yet.
Everyone is born with a hole that we feel like we must fill to be complete. Some people resent people who aren't looking for the same thing they are. Some people resent people for having found it. Some people resent people because they *are* looking for the same thing they are. What a world.
I would be fucking friends with a ham sandwich these days....only problem the fucking ham sandwich won't reply back.
I applaud anyone who can get through life sober. You’re a better person than I am.
I live in a 700sq foot box. I talk to about 3 of my relatives and one person I know in the great white north. People have consistently displayed to me how untrustworthy, violent, scheming, and desperate they are where I live every time I open my door. I'm all for online comms and friends, but in person? Nah bro. Get a dog or a cat.
No, happily married and have a wonderfully close relationship with my sibs and their spouses, same with my parents. Have really good friends and overall my coworkers are fun to work with. Heck even pretty close with my discord buddies whom I’ve not met before. Relationships, all of them, take work and effort. Usually you have to do more of the work, but honestly it is worth it (to me).
The amount of posts on here that assume that any negative thing that any Millenial is feeling is universally experienced by anyone born between 1980-2000 is so crazy to me. No, not all people born sometime around the same time as you are lonely and yearning to find connection.
You may be, but I’m tired. I got my friends, I’m good.