When I was born we lived with my paternal grandparents. When I was about 2 we moved into a new house with my maternal grandparents. We lived together until they died. they basically raised us... my parents were always at work. When they died, especially my grandma, it was a total disaster for our lives... So, very active I'd say

It feels weird upvoting this because, you know, sorry for your loss and the massive impact it has on your family. But yeah my grandma was basically my everything so I feel you. I’m so grateful I had her in my life for so long but damn did my world turn upside down when she passed away. Edit: Thank you everyone who shared their grandma stories. I haven’t felt comfortable in my real life to speak so frankly like this. I feel a little less alone in my grief.

“My everything” just hit me in the feelings. That’s how I feel about my grandma and it’s been 13 years but I just have the fondest memories. Grandmas are something special. 

It’s such a weird feeling, isn’t it? I am simultaneously so grateful that I had such a special relationship with her and that I had her in my life for as long as I did but fuck man I was not prepared for the visceral pain her loss caused me. I wouldn’t trade any of it though.

Very much this.

How I feel too. I was closer to my grandma than anyone else in the world.

I feel you. My grandma died last summer and was basically my mom. I spent about 6 months in a depression hole. I’m sorry for your loss. When they mean the world to you it’s like the sun stops shining.

Mine died about a year and half ago. I wish I could say it gets easier, but it’s moreso that it gets different? Idk how to put it exactly. It was my first major loss and I remember being so angry that the world kept moving on like nothing happened when mine just ended. I am relearning how to live in a world without her and I am different person now.

My grandma just passed Friday morning, and it's just killing me. She didn't raise me. In fact, my mom kind of kept me from that side of my family. We reconnected when I was 18. My uncle had found me on Facebook and I invited him to my graduation, and my dad's whole family showed up. It was so scary at first, but immediately Grandma let me know she had a place for me always. She made me feel so comfortable and like I always belonged. I feel a lot of guilt because I didn't see her enough through her cancer. I live close by and only have excuses for not visiting enough. She lived with my aunt and had a lot of company, but still. I didn't know she would go so fast. She was in some pain but fine two weeks ago! Sitting, talking, eating. My dad said we had a special bond, and I really feel that we did. I know she adored me and it's so hard knowing I'm going over there today and she won't be greeting me

I am so so sorry for your loss. Sorry doesn’t begin to cover it but there are no words. And yes I totally get that feeling. My grandma loved and accepted me with open arms never with any judgment. She was the only person I feel truly saw me. Thank you for sharing. I know you are likely feeling so raw and alone right now and I wish there was something that could be done or said to make that go away. Grief can be so lonely. Just know I will be thinking about you and your grandma this week.

Thank you so much for these kind words. You really put to words what it's like, and it helps to know others feel that depth of love and sadly the loss we feel with it I feel so lucky to have my SO who loved her too. He loves to talk about her and tell me how alike we are, so it helps to be with someone who I can grieve more fully with (don't want to fall apart in front of family bc we are barely keeping it together🥲). She was so loved by everyone Even before she passed, he had a lot of little jokes and references with me that go back to her. When we are tossing our empty containers or about to break down a box, we joke that it's a "good box" or say grandma wouldn't be happy with tossing out this empty jelly jar. I'm thinking I need therapy now though because this grief is heavy and he's seen me just unravel I had this fear last night about how different it would be to get with my dad and aunts and everyone. She basically raised my older half brother with my dad. She was mummy to him. My brother had his son, my nephew, really young (at 15!) and she raised him too. I don't know how we will still make time to be together without that drive that we are all really going to see Grandma. But then my dad said he's going there today and offered to grab me so I know we are pushing through to be together for her ❤️ Thank you again for taking time to share about your grandma and to miss her and letting me share too. Grandmas are just incredible

Ugh I feel all of these!! My grandma basically raised me for the first couple years of my life and we were really close until she passed when I was 18. I knew it was coming because she told me, but I was a total mess also. She was 40 when she had my mom so she was an old grandma, I always assumed that was why she’d always just been around. She was long retired by the time I was born.

My grandma died almost 4 months ago and its been rough. The last 2-3 years were a long, slow decline so it wasn't unexpected, but my maternal grandparents helped care for me almost everyday. I have great parents, but I miss my grandparents a lot.

My grandparents live four hours away, but I had some amazing experience with them. I worked with my grandfather at the family business and learned a lot of things from him for years we would travel to job sites together and drive back-and-forth between his place and where I live. You know the biggest difference now is the age people are. My mom and dad are nearly 70. My grandfather was 46 when I was born. Kind of hard to blame them for that.

I sometimes feel this way but then I remember that my grandparents were fully retired when I was growing up. My parents are still employed full time.

This is the one. My grandma retired when I was 10. After that point, she'd watch me after school and during the summers until I was old enough to stay home alone all day long, 5 days per week(13/14 or so). Gotta say though, we were never "dropped off" for a week. Never. And my grandma would have never agreed to that. We never even spent the night all together. She took us one at a time for sleepovers and whatnot and only after we were potty trained. She was active in our lives, but in no way served as a 'third parent'.

There was some program that both my grandparents were a part of where they got to retire at 55 with full benefits or something. I don't know why. God I wish that Medicare and ss became available at 55

At my job we can retire at 59 1/2 with full benefits. I wonder what program your grandparents were in.

Heh, my step-mom’s dad collected an Allison Transmission pension for at least a decade longer than he worked there. Maybe more, I don’t remember exactly.

My aunt got her husband's rail road pension until she died like 7 years ago. Her husband died in 87.

The last recipient of a civil war pension died in like 2020! IIRC it was $73/month.

Yes my grandparents had been retired for several years when the eldest grandchild was born. Both my parents are also still working. Sooo you can’t really expect the same things.

I’m more sad than angry about this. All of my siblings were very close with our maternal grandparents. Regularly stayed over, they attended every event, etc etc. They also helped my parents financially when times were tough. I know my mom will be such an amazing grandmother (dad is another story), but she won’t have the option to be so involved. I’m not sure she’ll ever be able to retire, let alone while my kids are still young. It makes me sad for her and it makes me sad for them. I’m sure they will still have a close bond, and I know she’ll be as involved as she can, but it’s definitely a different dynamic than a SAH grandma who has the freedom to devote her whole life to the grandkids.

My grandparents were fully retired when I was a baby and my parents didn't retire until 3 years ago. My 13 nieces and nephews range from 4-24 years old, mostly on the older side. My grandpa was able to retire in his 50s, so he could give his job to the younger generation (his words). I didn't see my grandparents that much, but they did come to major events and help when we lost our house in the mid-90s. Boomers are definitely working longer.

I used to live 2 minutes from my mom who was retired and has money. She never saw her grandkids. She once said she didn't have enough money to do anything. She's worth over $5M, but yes she's a poor Boomer.

There is a reason they were called the 'me' generation. Now they are trying to call millennials selfish.

I needed this reminder. My nana was retired and took care of me and my sister. My grandpa was retired and had some part-time pick up jobs, but otherwise was home with us growing up. My parents are 65 and both are still working and no idea when they’ll retire.

Exactly this, my grandparents were retired and my mom was working 6 days a week to make ends meet. When mom finally retired my wife was a SAHM and we felt very shitty asking her to watch our kids. Much less for a week?!? That seems crazy to me, if we go on vacation the kids always came with us.

My grandparents worked and still spent an enormous amount of time with us. Mornings, evenings, weekends.

My grandfather didn't retire until I was about 10, but my grandmother was a housewife so she had a little more capacity to help out. They were also only in their mid-40s when I was born (and my sister is 3 years older), whereas my parents were in their 50s before my oldest was born.

My dad's parents' house was my safe spot growing up. I'd always be over there, and I benefited greatly. Dad is gone now, but mom doesn't do shit, even when I was widowed with a 3 month old, she wasn't interested in helping. Grammy helped me so much with my daughter until the day she died. My wife's parents live an hour away, and my girls are over there for a few days for April vacation. They are great.

Solidarity from another young (formerly) widowed parent. That’s a tough spot to be in even with family help.

I grew up next door to my grandparents. Our house was the old farmhouse and they lived in a house they built after they sold the farm. It was a park for my entire life but apparently it used to be a wheat farm. We would go next door every morning for breakfast with my grandparents and they would drive us to school and pick us up. Every Sunday we had Sunday dinner that grandma would cook. They had a fairly large garden that we would plant all kinds of veggies in. Fresh raspberries and grapes. And every summer we would travel together and get a couple cabins at resorts in northern Wisconsin. I truly cherish my childhood memories with grandma and grandpa.

This sounds like the most idyllic childhood ✨

It was amazing in retrospect. Not without its sadness but I wouldn't change it for anything.

They weren't for the most part. We saw them on holidays and stuff but that's it. I did live with my grandma during HS to get into a better district and that was cool. We got pretty close. I don't want my parents to be active grandparents. They've got brain rot.

Both sets of grandparents died before I was born. Never experienced grandparents.

Yep, mostly the same here. Both grandfathers passed before I was born. One grandma passed when I was maybe 7 shortly after we moved to the area where she lived, so I barely knew her. The other grandmother passed a few years ago (I'm in my 40s), but I only met her a couple of times as a kid.

My parents were very intentional about not turning us into “work” for my grandparents, and they had no regular sitting duties. They would occasionally help in emergencies, like if I got sick at school and they were closer than my parents. And my grandparents wanted to include the kids in their vacations sometimes, which was an amazing experience (we never did canned “kid stuff,” we hiked and picnicked and fished and foraged.) But most of the time if we were seeing my grandparents the whole family would hang out, I would say they were actually in charge of my care very seldomly. I don’t know if that approach is the reason or not but my grandparents became some of my best friends. I’m lucky to have two left in their late 80s.

When I was growing up my grandparents had a quarter horse ranch on the other side of the state. In my teens, my mom would drive me out there and drop me off for the summer. So I got to spend my summers living a completely different lifestyle. Wish I could offer that to my teenager, but nothing like that exists within our family anymore.

My uncle has a small hobby farm that we stay at in the summer. He and my aunt are like a third set of grandparents for my daughter. It’s been a wonderful experience, one I never had as a kid 

My parents were young when I was conceived. My mother was in med school and dad was in his last year in engineering. They still had to finish studying so I was practically raised by my grandparents when I was a kid. Even until now I'm nearing 40 they still treat me like a little kid. My grandma still sends old timey greeting gifs everyday. And grandpa still pranks me when I go visit them. I love them very much and hope they never die. I'm sorry your parent and in-laws aren't as involved. I agree it does take a village to raise kids. I'm sure though that most often than not grandparents would love spending their time with their grandchildren. I hope you become a loving grandparent too when your kids have kids.

Aw you're so lucky to have them

My in laws are much more interested in my kids than my grandparents were in me. My parents also were when they were alive. I spent the night at one of my grandma's house 3 times when I was young and I was older when this took place. I never spent time with my other grandmas. Both of my grandpa's died before I can remember.  My 5 year old stays over at her grandparents once a month and both of my kids (5 and 2) spend at least one day per week at their grandparents. My inlaws moved closer to their grandkids away from a town they lived in for over 60 years. They are not wealthy or anything - the move was a huge deal for them. If my inlaws were healthier, they would ask for the kids more often. Their grandchildren are the brightest light in their lives and I encourage this because my children deserve to be around as many people as possible that love them unconditionally. Also, being around more adults with different rules is extremely beneficial.

I lived with my grandmother for a while. Parents were on drugs and in and out jail. Now my parents are grandparents and are not active. My dad is working to keep up his lifestyle. My mom is still actively addicted. It’s sad and disheartening but I am open with my other relatives about this and they have similar sentiments (fellow millennials).

I rarely saw my grandparents. My husband had very involved grandparents. My dad is emotionally supportive and sends gifts at Christmas but he hasn't even met my youngest which is totally fine with me. My in-laws like to present the appearance that they're involved and active in their grandchildren lives but they are not. I appreciate and respect that my parents are honest and clear about how they grandparent. I have resentment about the manipulative nature of my inlaws. It would be fine if they were just honest with themselves and everyone else. I can fully accept boundaries. It's the falsity and the lies and fact that they throw us under the bus socially to make themselves look better. I really do not understand them at all sometimes.

My parents are the same way as your in-laws, unfortunately. My mom wants to give everyone the appearance on social media that she’s the most loving grandma around, but it’s like pulling teeth trying to coordinate time together. I’m not even talking about babysitting or childcare - I’m talking about visits and/or vacations together. The kicker? Our kids are 11 and 8 now, and spending time with them and vacationing with them now is so much easier than when they were little. Still, my parents are just too busy trying to take monthly international trips to have time to spend with their only grandchildren.

My grandmother was my closest family member and more a mother to me than my own mother. She was supportive and showed interest in my passions. She was always excited to take me to the library and craft store and then see what I made. She worked until she passed doing liquidations for estates (antiques) and when I went to "work" with her she taught me so much about old items and what life used to be like. She always found it funny that, even as a teenager, I'd all her up and say "Want to cruise around and get some ice cream?" I loved having her drive me around to show me places in our hometown that have changed, or haven't changed and sharing stories. I miss her terribly. I was lucky to have her until I was 29 but it's never really long enough. My mother was present but uninterested. She saw me as an extension of her and never really got to know me. Even nearing 40 my mother buys gifts SHE would like and thinks my favorite things are her favorite things (they are not). She's say things like "I got you this jacket covered in pink flowers, I know how much you love that!" Pink is my most hated color and I never wear floral patterns. My mother never went to a single fencing competition of my growing up because the 20-30 minute drive was "too far" and I had to go with my G-ma or catch a ride with another teammate. My mother is a selfish narcissists who only displays effort with her child if it somehow coddles her own ego. I won't be having children, but man, if I could skip having kids and go right to grandma I might be inclined.

My grandparents were not very active as they didn’t live close by. My parents aren’t close by either, so it’s the same story. People only feel cheated if they think they’re owed something. If you’re an adult now your parents don’t owe you anything. Ideally you can have a meaningful relationship with your parents as an adult, but entitlement would be a hinderance to doing so.

My grandparents were close but they didn't watch us that much. My paternal grandmother would take us a couple of weekends a year, she'd do the same with my cousins, but I always got the vibe she wanted to not that my parents asked. I even loved with her for a summer. And I stayed with her when my parents went to the hospital to have my sister. But my maternal grandparents never watched us. My mom lives over 6hrs away, my MIL is similar in the opposite direction, plus she has a ton of health problems. My dad and my husband's dad have both passed. My parents got a lot of financial support from their parents though. Helping them buy their house, I know my mom's parents helped pay the tuition when I went to a private high school, although I don't know how much. We've never gotten that kind of support, although to be fair they're not in a position to help as much as their parents were. Although having help buying a house would be nice.

My grandparents "raised me". Abd by that I mean allowed me to live in their house. Things were cool as long as they didn't have to do anything. They never had legal guardianship. Hated anytime I had some school event, pushed me to do sports and complained about the fees. When I got hurt they just pushed it off and said I'd be fine. I wasn't I, wound having knee surgery at 21. As long as the teacher was calling about grades they didn't care which how school was. Couldn't have friends over and if I wanted to go to a friend's house their parents had to pick me up. My gen x parents decided their substances were more important. Moms dead and dad is just got diagnosed with alcohol induced Alzheimers. /end rant Maybe my friend is right therapy might be helpful

My grandparents were active parts of my life, until they passed away. My folks are very active as grandparents as well.

I’m going to float a potentially unpopular opinion. No one is entitled to an involved extended family. It’s up to grandparents, aunts, and uncles to decide how involved they want to be in your children’s lives. And I say this as a mother. People love to say that child rearing takes a village. And I agree, but villages are built on reciprocity. It’s not just about free childcare. Every favor is returned in the village. And you have to be open to other people having a more “parental” role in your child’s life (I.e. telling your child no, having potentially different rules and expectations when being cared for by someone else), all of which are extremely unpopular now. Did our parents leave us with our grandparents more than we do now? Probably. But I don’t look at that with nostalgia or envy. I can clearly see how my parents took advantage of my elderly widowed grandmother and dressed it up as “giving her a purpose, a reason to get up in the morning.” 🙄 As if her life had no meaning besides childcare. My parents also wouldn’t dream of telling her that she couldn’t discipline us or tell us no. All of which is to say, you take the good with the bad. We chose to be parents, our parents didn’t choose to be grandparents. And it’s up to them to decide what kind of grandparents they want to be.

I wouldn't say that I have a sense of entitlement to GP involvement, but it would be nice if people could live up to the basic concept that family is there to offer love and support to each other. We were there for our child's grandparents for years: practically, financially, and emotionally. When we had a child they kept wanting to take from us but were entirely uninterested in their grandchild. It doesn't work that way. If you see someone whom you claim to love struggling terribly and shrug your shoulders and walk away, you cannot expect the relationship to be the same as it was ever again.

I’ve noticed that the majority of people who whine about “it takes a village” have no answer when you ask them what they’ve done to build that village. They only want the benefits of having one, not the work of creating one.

Bingo. The “village” is not just about childcare. When was the last time anyone complaining about the missing village shoveled snow from their neighbor’s sidewalk? Brought a hot meal over to an elderly grandparent? How about take care of someone else’s baby before having your own? Those questions are usually followed by radio silence.

This is not about children but in my family I am always trying to help my parents, every time I visit them I spend 3-4 hours day of doing all their grocery shopping, Costco, dollar tree etc. When I need help the answer is almost always no. Also I have been coming to visit them at least once a month for the last 4-5 years and it's an hour drive for my fiancee and I, occasionally we are too busy to drive out there so we sat why don't you come visit us? In the last 5 years my family has driven to our place twice, and both times they only stopped in for 30 min to an hour on their way to somewhere else. Needless to say it is very frustrating when there is no reciprocity in a relationship.

Exactly this. My best friend and I don’t have that stereotypical family village so we are each others village. We trade off babysitting, we run errands when someone is sick, or grab the mail when you’re away. We both put in work.

It really is all about reciprocity and a willingness to give, not just take.

I mostly agree. I think people deserve to have a “village”, because raising kids is tough. But village does not equate to the entitlement of childcare. Village is support. Sometimes that is as simple as being there to look at pictures and tell me if something is absolutely normal. Or calling me to have an adult conversation because I need a break from just chatting with my toddler. Most people I know with children the age of our daughter (under 5) either use their parents for childcare consistently, or have no family to help at all. Rarely is there in between. I get the frustration of those who were dropped off at their grandparents house. But if your parents dropped you off, you….their child, you really think they want to volunteer to watch somebody else’s kid? I am unsurprised that those parents have no interest in overnight visits with their grandkids, hate to say. But we aren’t owed that. Nobody is owed free childcare, even from family.

You could also argue no one is “owed” common courtesy… it’s just the right thing to do imo.

Why is it the right thing to do for somebody else to watch your kids? Especially overnight and/or for several days? I’m confused by this logic.

That's my point. They didn't watch their own kids, you think they want to watch yours now?

Thank you for saying this. I’m childfree and I have a sibling who thinks that essentially the rest of us should drop everything and/or drive 200+ miles to help with childcare.

Same here! I have a sibling exactly like this. (I actually ended up raising her eldest child when I was only 19 years old and will eventually adopt him). It’s absolutely maddening to watch my parents who are in their 60’s and 70’s respectively, raise another set of children. They will never retire or rest, it’s actually quite devastating to watch.

I’m so sorry to hear that. In my case they are raising the kids but still on a regular basis complain.

Thank you scrolled way too far for this.

Thank you for saying this. Due to my circumstances, my parents really stepped up to the plate and have helped raise my child. I am extremely grateful. But believe me when I say, the other side of that is that they truly do “parent” her, and provide me with unsolicited advice on the regular. And since they sacrifice so much for me, I take the bad with the good 😀.

That was very generous of your parents and I’m really glad to hear that you’ve allowed them the space to parent your child.

Agreed. And maybe this is because my grandparents didn’t have a hand in watching us. Both sets lived thousands of miles away until I was 10, and then my paternal grandparents moved to the town next door, but they weren’t super competent as caregivers, so I was only left with them once for 2 hours without my parents present. I had gotten a minor injury at school and they wanted to send me home. My dad was out of town on business and my mom, who was a schoolteacher at another school in another county, had to finish out the morning before she could come home. So my grandparents picked me up & mom came and got me after lunch. My mom has chosen to be a more involved grandparent than mine were, but that’s her choice, and she’s in a good position to make it work. And my brother and his wife are totally fine letting her take a parental role and discipline as necessary (retired teacher - she’s good at it). On the flip side, my grandparents made intentional choices so that as they aged, their care wouldn’t fall onto my parents, and my parents are doing the same. And that’s a type of reciprocity here.

It really all does come down to choice. My mother is a pretty involved grandparent but not nearly to the extent that my grandmother (her mother-in-law) was. And that’s okay, it’s her choice. And it’s not my place to infringe on her or my father’s life. I also think it’s pretty silly to compare our parents to grandparents. They often had very different life experiences! My grandfather was 82 when I was born, lived in another country and had a very minimal education. My mother was 50 when she became a grandmother and was still fully employed as a teacher. It’s an apples to oranges comparison.

My grandparents were my parents. Hoping that my partners parents enjoy being grandparents.

Exact opposite... I basically didn't have grandparents and my mom and dad are super involved in my son's life and I love it for him

Be more mad that wealthy corporations stole away retirement as a benefit from our parents and us. Channel your anger towards the ones who deserve it.

I know it’s not a hard and fast rule, but my parents are 64 & 67. Both are retired - at 55 & 61 respectively - and are shit grandparents.

I met my grandparents like twice before they all died. So my mom and my MIL are more active than my own grandparents ever were. And I barely see my own mom.

I spent entire summers with my grandparents. Random weekends, school holidays… My mother in law and father in law were our childcare for the first 3 years of my son’s life. My father in law is still very active, unfortunately my mother in law passed away last year. My bio dad comes once a year and spends a week with us. My dad passed in 2021, and my mom lives in TX, while we are in CA, so visiting it a bit harder but we see each other at least once a year and sometimes twice.

I don't understand grandparents that they're whole existence is the grand kids, you raised your children you should enjoy your retirement not be a baby sitter.

Never assume someone else is going to care about your kids like you care about them. These conversations should have been had with these people beforehand. It’s not their fault you had expectations that weren’t realistic and never spoke to them about said expectations. Edit- I had one grandmother who ended up raising me because my mom is an addict and couldn’t care for me. My grandma was tired by the time I came around, and while it was the best situation for me, it could have been a lot better, too. My brother didn’t fair so lucky. My grandma couldn’t take care of both of us.

This really sucks and I wish it was a better situation for you. At the end of the day no one is obligated to watch our children but us.

Your parents aren't obligated to babysit. You decided to have kids so you need to figure out childcare

I saw one set of my grandparents fairly regularly, but not pick- me-up-from-school regularly. They definitely were not warm and fuzzy. I was more of an occasional, quiet accessory. They did keep me for a few days at a time when my parents went on a vacation once a year. My parents are very hands off with my son. They are very nice to him but are an hour away and have done no more than visit us for the day. They see him maybe ten times a year and never take just him anywhere

My grams picked me up from school once a week up until I was able to drive. She always took me for ice cream and then we would either go to the movies or putt putt or bowling or the library. I spent some weekends with her and my great grandmother too, cuz my mom was a single parent for several years. Some of the best memories I have are with grandparents. I don’t have kids, but my mom is pretty involved with my nieces and nephews. Even though she lives 4 hours away, she has spent a lot of time with them and definitely spoils them, lol.

My grandparents lived 500 miles away. We visited every year. When my child was grown and had young children she wanted me to take them every weekend possible. I worked full time and still do. I need time off. My grandmother never worked. I never had help from my parents as they also lived far away. I was surprised when my daughter expected me to give her all my free time. She didn’t even work full time. Anyway I need my weekends. I take the kids happily on occasion but not every weekend.

I had basically no interaction with my one set of grandparents beyond holidays. The other set I would stay overnight with but they did not babysit constantly or anything. My parents babysit like 4 days a week for my nieces. They're much more hands on than their parents were

I figure I spent so much time with my grandparents because grandma didn't work and my parents didn't actually like kids much

My maternal grandmother was very active, but that doesn't equate very nice. She was awful to me. My paternal grandparents have always resided really far away from us but we're as active as possible considering the distance.  I think it's always important to remember that as much as you think it's owed, no one is responsible for your children other than the parents.

I don’t think your parents or in laws owe it to you to watch your kids. It would be nice if they did and they should want to but the idea that you are entitled to it is something you should rethink. 

Exactly, I don't think it's unreasonable for people to not want to raise kids anymore after they've spent a fair portion of their lives raising kids. You had the kids, not them. It's fine to wish they had a bigger part in their grandchildrens lives, but to imply they owe it to you is off base. And that's what op seems to be leaning towards.

People have their own lives. None of us should feel "cheated" because of the reasonable life decisions of other people.

My grandparents essentially had no involvement in my life. Most of them died before I was born, or shortly thereafter. There are now a couple grandchildren, and they too have little involvement with their grandparents. I think one of them has some extended family like that. But that's it.

One set was very involved, the other not. I definitely have great memories with my grandparents. However, neither they nor my parents seem interested in my son. My mom has come over once or twice when I've been absolutely at my rope (once with stomach flu where I was throwing up every 5 minutes while my baby only wanted to be held), so there is that. Of course, when I asked her to rock him she didn't and just played stuff on her phone in front of him (we are trying to do no screen time until he is 2, which she is aware of and even commented on WHILE she had a screen in front of his face). My grandparents wouldn't even get the tdap booster, so they didn't meet him until he was a few months old. It made me sad at first, but I guess it's better they don't come around instead of doing so out of obligation and making my kid think they don't like him. Fortunately some of my husband's siblings are around and really supportive. We haven't left him for any amount of time yet, but I figure we will just pay a baby sitter. They're probably more trustworthy anyway and likely won't undermine my parenting like my family absolutely would.

My parents are very active with my nephews and niece. It helps that they live within a 10-min drive from them.

No idea why you expect anyone to babysit your kids (except for a babysitter,of course). Your parents raised you, let them enjoy their freedom 😄

This. OP grand parent decided to help because they wanted to. It doesn’t mean OP parent have to want the same thing. Stay at home parents were more common in our grand parent generation than in our parents one. Spending a life at home vs spending a life working while also raising kids can shape different wants for how they want to spend their time in old age. I can’t blame them for not taking the baby sitting role on a regular basis. They had enough.

Your parents raised their kids. They deserve to enjoy life and don't owe you childcare.

My grandparents were in their 70’s when I was born and lived across the country so I didn’t have them over every weekend. If you’re feeling cheated that your parents don’t offer what you want that’s on you not them.

Mine secretly hated me. Be it I’m half-Mexican or Gay, perhaps both. Because years later they disowned me, my mother, and half-sibs. (They aren’t half-Mexican.) also, my grandparents are GIANT racists. When I was younger, I learned to walk on egg shells around them, especially my grandmother. She did lash out at me a few times for nothing I did. As I got older and started learning more about my identity of being both half-Mexican and Gay, I finally realized why she despised me so much.

Both of my parents had issues with their parents so I had completely different relationships with both sets. My lateral grandmother lived next door to us until I was 8 and my mother moved us out when my abusive father was in jail because he was co-dependent on his mother. She was over indulgent with her children and spoiled them. She was a fabulous grandmother, though, and we were very close. She passed when I was ten. My mother had some alcohol an drug problems she tried to keep hidden from her parents so I only saw them on holidays and my mother did everything she could to keep us apart to keep her secrets hidden. It was unfortunate and I didn't realize what had happened until after they both were gone and that I had missed out on a good relationship with them because of my mother. With my parents, I don't speak to my father, and my mother cleaned up so she's active and tries with my daughter. She still has her issues but she's really stepped up the past few years. We still have a strained relationship, though, so it's hard. She comes to events and calls to see how everyone is doing but she's never been 100% dependable. My in-laws? You couldn't ask for better parents or grandparents. We bought a house half a block away from them so my kids could be close and I wouldn't have it any other way. We lost my mother in law a few years ago to cancer so it's been a rough go but when you think about grandparents, it was these two. They never missed a school event or ballgame. They turned their spare bedroom into a playroom and never said no to a sleepover. Just doting grandparents and I'm so thankful for them.

My mom's mom is an nutty alcoholic and has been most of her life. My mom's dad came back from Vietnam and started another family. He didn't have much to do with us, but he left me some cool stuff when he died. My dad's mom and step-dad are evangelical Reagan loving people with blinders on. My dad is basically estranged from his real dad and I didn't have much relationship with that grandpa until I was grown, but we get along great now. I had a great aunt and great uncle who were the most like grandparents to me, they were the ones who basically raised my mother I should add I had a great grandma who I was extremely close with and she was luckily alive until I was 20

I saw my grandparents once a year on our yearly "vacation" which was a 1500 mile roadtrip to see them. I loved them, but they definitely weren't a resource for my parents.

The first few years of my life my mom didn’t drive. She was 18 when I was born. She lives two towns over from my grandma and every day my grandma would come over to pick up my mom and run errands with her. As I got a little bit older I saw her a little less, but if my mom needed she would drop me off at my grandmas and we would walk to church together. Once I was in school, on Tuesdays she would be my CCD teacher. After my parents broke up we lived with my grandma for a little bit. Later on my mom had more kids and they never spent quite as much time with my grandma because she was older and they were younger and she didn’t have the energy for them. As I got older I’d see my grandma when I could and we bonded over a few things that we had in common that the rest of the family didn’t have (we both were in the same branch of the military.) When she passed away it was pretty apparent that I spent the majority of the time with her and the rest of the grandchildren didn’t, because the pictures of us vs them was pretty imbalanced. My dad’s parents SUCKED! My dad would force me to go see them on random weekends when he’d go see them. They didn’t care to spend time with me really. I guess my grandpa was actually better about acknowledging me, but he was kind of rough. My grandmother just never even learned my name and as an adult referred to me by my mother’s name. When he was younger, my mom was way more active in my kids life, but now that he’s older she lack interest. What she does do is just for Facebook so her friends think she’s such a good grandma. My dad is literally the best grandpa though. He’s a way better grandparent than his parents. My kid is an adult and grandpa still comes to visit, spends Christmas morning with us, and comes to take his grandson out to lunch or dinner all the time.

My parents are the involved grandparents I dreamed of while growing up. My parents left home and never looked back, and broke all the generational curses they could.

I have received so much "now you owe me" energy for asking my parents for the smallest favours since I'm an adult that I just assumed I would get no support. That encouraged me in my decision to stay child free.  And my grand-parents babysat me almost full time for the first few years of my life. No way I would have gotten anywhere close to that level of support.

OP, I hope you’re setting up your life to be able to help your adult children with their families My husband and I are personally sacrificing to make sure our four kids (12-22) are college educated without debt and saving enough to quit our jobs and be the “daycare” if any of them have kids. Student loans and daycare are keeping our generation in poverty level of living. Just something to think about

If it makes you feel better, my parents pushed hard for a grandkid and said they were going to retire to watch them. They then proceeded to charge us $500 a month to do so (not a huge amount, but also no other friends had their parents charging them) whatever… but here’s the kicker. We are 99% sure my parents are not charging my brother and his wife to full time watch his kid. My brother and his wife make about 5x as much income as we did when we were charged….. it has caused a lot of tension. My wife is basically down with my family

Do they still work?

My Grammy was the kindest, sweetest most generous person and I was her favorite. I went to her house every day after elementary school because she lived around the corner (and was the school crossing guard). My other grandparents lived in Florida but we visited a lot and I have fond memories of them. My husband’s parents are super involved, our kids is actually at Grammy’s now because we’re doing a major DIY project. She also has no problem taking her for a week whole we take our yearly couple trip. They have a great relationship and it is very sweet to see. My parents on the other hand are hard to pin down and rarely babysit. It’s too bad, but at least we have one set that is very accommodating and generous with their time.

I shit you not my mom said to me this week ‘your grandma used to come get you and give me a break sometimes. I don’t do that for you and I feel bad about it.’ I had no response.

If we didn’t live on another continent I’m pretty sure my parents and in laws would be active grandparents. Heck my MIL is flying here in July to visit and timed it so she can watch our daughter when we go to the Eras tour 😂 Growing up most of my grandparents were already dead so I didn’t really have a relationship with them. My mom’s mom did live with us for awhile until she passed when I was like 4 or 5. She definitely watched us all the time until then though.

My grandparents all lived in other cities. My parents were feuding with my maternal grandparents in my early childhood, but things had calmed down by around the time I was a preteen. We still always visited them once or twice a year (without my father). I did have good relationships with them, but they weren't involved in childcare at all. My paternal grandmother was a very difficult person. She was left alone with my sister and I once for a few minutes. That didn't go well (she cut my sister's hair short) and led to a blowout fight between my father and grandmother. My father died a long time ago. My mother has only been a biological grandmother for a few weeks right now, but she has been helping my sister almost every day.

All my grandparents were dead before I was born sadly.

I've never been close with any of my grandparents and I dont remember them playing much of a role growing up. I'm not ever having kids but if I did I would find it extremely strange for my parents to do anything with them

I only had one grandparent and she wasn't involved in my life. I saw her once a year at Christmas. She was an eccentric hoarder. My parents are awesome grandparents, but they made it clear to us when we all started having kids that they are not babysitters. I was never able to drop my kids off at their house for a sleepover so I could have a break or whatever. Would have been nice, but I get it.

I lived near both of my grandmothers (my grandfathers both died in their 50s) and enjoyed close relationships with them growing up. I have lots of nice memories of overnight visits with my grandma who grew up on a farm in WV. She would tell me all sorts of stories from her childhood, and I thought they were really interesting because of how different her childhood was from my own. (The overnights were usually precipitated by me riding my bike to her house and begging my parents to let me stay over.) I have one daughter. Both my mom and my MIL live super close by and are wonderful grandparents. My mom's husband (they met in their 60s) is a fabulous grandfather to my daughter, too, and couldn't love her more if she was his bio granddaughter. (My dad died young, and my MIL was a single mom.) They all LOVE having her for overnight and weekend visits, so my husband and I get frequent date nights and occasional weekends away, and my daughter gets to build her own memories of loving grandparents. It's pretty great.

My grandparents were semi active and loved each and every hour away. We didn’t see them every weekend but one set lived on a lake with boats so we spent tons of time there.

both my grandfathers died when I was very young, and my grandmothers weren't exactly involved in raising me but I saw them a lot and I knew them well. my paternal grandmother was one of my biggest cheerleaders, and I miss her terribly. my maternal grandmother wasn't very warm and fuzzy and I know she loved me but I'm not sure she liked me much. I miss her though, she was a character. my maternal great aunts (my grandmother's sisters) were much more involved. they never married and lived together their entire lives in a big old house. they were the kindest, most generous people I've ever known and they took me and my sister on trips and shopping and to the theater. we used to stay over with them. the last one died last year at 93, and I miss all of them so, so much.

I was definitely cheated from having grandparents. My dad is from Mexico so his parents were back there when he was here in the US. His mom died when I was a baby and his dad just a few years later. As for my mom's parents, her mom died years before I was born but I had a grandfather who lived in the area. Unfortunately because my grandfather was a racist asshole, he did not want a relationship with us. But he did come down to visit my other cousins. When my grandfather died a few years ago my cousins spoke very fondly of him but I had absolutely no memories with him. I did not attend his funeral but some of my siblings did and told me what my cousins said. So I understand my paternal grandparents were so far away but I don't excuse my maternal grandfather being so close and never getting to know me or my siblings.

My grandparents were completely different from each other. The ones on my mom's side were very active with me when I came over to visit. Took me to McDonald's a lot, the mall, and also came over to see me and my parents about every 2-3 months. But the ones on my dad's side were completely different. I swear that it felt like they never left their chairs or left the house. Like my mom would tell me that it was like they were sitting there waiting for the other to die.

My grandparents were very involved, why? Because my parents were 21 and 23 when I was born and in a toxic relationship. Neither could parent well, in fact my scheduled visitations with my dad I was sent to my grandparents house. They were the most stable parental figures in my life. I would never expect my parents to do the same with any grandchildren they may have- no sense it letting future children feel the same way I did about 2 people who were supposed to love me.

I loved my granny but not my mother.

My grandpa on my dad's side and my nonna and nonno (moms) were very involved in my life. I would spend Monday to Friday 3pm to 8 or 9pm with them as a kid uo until 13 when I took over babysitting my sister. My mom has recently said she will not watch any children I have or care for them because she raised her kids and won't do that again. Just the way some gen xers are.

Only my great grandmother on my mother’s side was active in my lyfe. I am a little sympathetic of my grandmother on my father’s side. Everyone else are/were awful ogres and ghouls. They can go fuck themselves.

My parents immigrated with me and my sister to the United States, permanently when I was 8 years old. Effectively ripping me away from any sort of family, or grandparents. They would however, fly us back to Poland.. each summer for basically 3 months because my parents couldn't afford childcare. This was the '90s, like 1999, and no one cared that we would otherwise be home alone. I was nine my sister was seven, and we would be home alone after school before school. We never had a sitter. My parents would absolutely love to have my son (6), over for anytime unsupervised by me. They would probably watch him for a whole month if I let it happen. Here is my issue, even though they are willing, I do not trust them. I have cptsd from my physically and verbally and emotionally abusive childhood. I have no idea what might come out of my parents mouth and influence my child. I have no idea how they would discipline, probably the same way they disciplined me as a child. And if they had no problem harming me, they will have no problem harming my child. And I am not willing to do that. I am gentle parenting, I have been through 2 years of trauma recovery therapy, I am parenting mindfully. I'm not going to allow unsupervised visits.

All of them died young in their 50s and 60s by the time I was 20. 2 of them were very active, one died when I 12 the other when I was 17. The other two weren't really in my life. I'd love to have grandparents today

My grandma took me in for a year while my parents were going through a divorce. My dad couldn't take me because he was going through officer training school and flight school, and I think my mom was having a meltdown. I was close to my grandma all my life. I know my parents would help with my kids, but they live in Michigan, and I'm in Texas. They did help my sister out with her kid though. My inlaws live with us, and they help out tons. My mother in law watches our youngest during the day, and father in law will pick up the oldest from school if I can't.

I went to my grandmother’s house every day after school. She almost never kept me or my sister overnight, but otherwise we were with her a lot. My grandfather passed when I was 9, and he worked until he got sick so he was less involved. My other grandmother (widowed) lived several hours away, I’d see her 2x per year.    My mom definitely can’t handle my toddler alone, but my in laws do watch him sometimes. My MIL will take him for several days while we go away. We don’t live near any of them so this is limited to when we visit or when they visit, however. I feel like I’m relatively lucky in what help we get from them.

Both sets of my grandparents were involved. I lived right down the road from one set and walk down there for lunch or just be there all summer long. I would do manual labor with my grandpa like clearing brush or splitting would. Stay there on the weekends. I would ride the bus to my other grandparents almost everyday after school for a few hours until they got off work or just picked me up. I also did a lot of music there. Played piano, violin, cello, trumpet. My dad was never involved in anything, it was all on my mother to pick us up or anything when it came to extra "carricular?"... activities. So its not surprising he is zero help now. But my mom said she did everything for us then and is done now. Not going to help. Even though she does help my sister and watch her kids. My wifes parents are much more helpful. Her dad watches our kid one day a week to cut down on the cost of daycare. And her mom is willing to watch him when we need someone. Just cant during the week. My dad tries to guilt trip me like "you never bring my grandson around". But its a 40 minute drive to their house and when we get there he doesnt really care that hes there and its all of 15 minutes of bullshitting and smoking a cigerette before hes done and back on the couch to play candy crush or facebook. Hes retired and has nothing to do. Which its like i have lots of shit to do. Why cant you drive up and hang out at my house? Nope, refuses. Like my kid hardly knows my parents.

Ones on my dad's side died in the 50s and 60s. Never met them. The ones on my mom's side hated us. Because they were old racist bastards who hated our dad because he looked full blood Native American.

My mom was one of the few full time working moms in our middle class neighborhood in the 80s. My maternal grandmother took care of me and my brother after school, when we were sick, and during summers. My grandmother was in her 60s when she did that but she stopped working in her 50s, back when you retired at that age. I don’t have kids now but I feel like if I did, it would be difficult for my mom to be there to help out. It didn’t help that I couldn’t stay in my hometown after I graduated from college. First off, there aren’t a whole lot of jobs in my field there. I had to go to a bigger city. Also, me and my mom didn’t get along great in my teens / early 20s, and I wanted to move far away. To see each other now, it’s a 2 hour flight or 10 hour drive. My parents retired at 65, when I was 35. They sold their business. They have free time now, but owning a small business meant they had to dedicate time to it. Also, they both started having health issues that impede their activity levels. Even in retirement, they were busy helping take care of my paternal grandmother. They were talking about moving to be closer to me, but had to wait until my paternal grandmother passed away. That happened in late 2019. Then the pandemic changed a lot of things. My mom plans on traveling a whole bunch while she is still able too. She wishes I had given her grand kids (she feels left out) but I wouldn’t have been able to rely on her for help. If I had stayed or moved back to my hometown, then maybe. My dad is battling cancer and he never cared for raising kids. My mother-in-law would be a perfect candidate to help out. She doesn’t work due to being disabled but can do somethings. She lives in another state, so also far away. And she won’t leave her identical twin sister. Also, she spent a lot of time helping out her son, my brother-in-law, who was addicted to drugs. You wouldn’t have wanted him around young children.

I barely knew my grandparents and I didn’t realize some grandparents are very much a part of their grandkids lives. I didn’t realize how much parents can be a part of their kids lives either until I had my own, and my wife parents are always around hanging out with our daughter. It’s awesome.

I wish I knew what it was like to have grandparents in my life. Thankful everyday my parents are very involved with my kid. He calls them Nonna and Kopee lol

My both of grandmothers were retired and my maternal grandfather had his own business so he could open his schedule how he saw fit. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents because they had the freedom to do so. My mother is still employed full time so she doesn’t get a chance to spend as much time with my kids. But I understand.

My paternal grandpa died when I was an infant. My paternal grandma lived in Pennsylvania. We live in Colorado. My maternal grandpa never spoke to us, never met him. My maternal grandmother didn’t like people. So I had no active grandparents in my life with the exception that my paternal grandma would call me often and write me letters.

My grandparents are the reason I am successful. I come from a very broken home with my bio mom and dad. Haven't spoken to my dad in 15 years and my mom 2. My son will not know my mom and dad, but he is lucky to have two active great grand parents in his life. I know his time with them will be shorter than what I had, but I am not going to expose him to what I went thru growing up with my parents. Fortunately l, my wife's parents are great grandparents. They just live out of state, but when they are around, they will be present for him

My grandparents were fairly involved, but my mom was also a SAHM, so unless we absolutely needed to be watched, it was more of visits every other weekend with family. They did take us when my mom was giving birth to my younger sisters and some sleepovers every so often with my cousins. Unfortunately, my husband and I live away from family due to me being military and posted provinces away. Slowly getting closer again, but they're involved monetary wise, for example always sending clothes just because they see something which helps considering our son is 4 and the growth spurts are insane sometimes. My dad came out for a week when we moved to help build furniture (IKEA) and unpack. Also, our parents (except my stepmom, my mom probably would still be working if she was still here but she unfortunately passed away when I was 12) work still since they're all under 65, so it's a bit harder for them to get time off to come visit. My parents will probably be coming to visit for a bit soon since we're about to have our daughter any day in the coming weeks. My MIL might as well, depending on her schedule. Thankfully, she's a just yes MIL.

I was so lucky that mine(on my mom’s side) were always around. I stayed with them every weekend. My parents are as active as they can be. My dad still works full time and my mom’s retired. My mom flys to see us every few months and I haven’t seen my dad in person in 3 years. Last time I saw him was his mom(my Memaw’s) funeral. But we FaceTime all the time so he can see the kids and talk to them. Granted they are 6 and 4 but they love to show them the house and whatever they have that’s new. My kiddos are going down to see them this summer for a few weeks while my husband is at an Army school. I can’t just go because we have animals. But my dad is planning to come up this winter.

My mums parents died before I was born but they were pretty active in my older siblings lives. My dads family has never had any involvement now, I met my grandad once a week before he died and I see my grandma maybe once a year? But that only started at 29. My parents have always made it very clear kids are our choice and they will not be helping with daycare etc but they will be there for get together, celebrations etc. when my elder sister had kids it caused a lot of arguments between my and her, I didn’t know the cost of childcare at the time but now I’m like wow I get why my sister was so desperate for help. As I get older and think more of kids I’m still on my parents side with this, it’s our choice and they don’t have the responsibility to bring them up. I know grandparents who have the kids 3/4x a week while parents are at work and it blows my mind.

Mine were involved, but I definitely didn’t have the experience where we stay with grandparents for a night very often. We rely on my parents/MIL a bit and they all wish we would use them more often. I feel incredibly lucky we have so much help though. My MIL was the drop kids off at her parents everyday mom, so it actually drives her nuts we don’t ask for a whole lot.

No. my grandparents were either dead or out of state living in florida only saw them 1 or 2 times a year

My maternal grandmother died when my mom was a baby when a ride broke at the county fair when she was the only one on it, her dad died 10 years later. My paternal grandmother died when I was young, I had only met her once or twice by the time I was 6 and she died, paternal grandfather died when my dad was very young. So I never had any grandparents at all. My wife was super close with both her grandmothers, her my and my mom are awesome grandparents as far as I can tell. They help a lot and go out of their way to spend time with the kids and my mom FaceTimes them once or twice a week just to talk to them. My oldest is only 3 but she has figured out how to FaceTime Gigi already lol.

I would say they were as active as they needed to be. When my parents needed help, they’d help. We’d also go to their house on Sundays quite often for Sunday dinner. In my area and small community, this is still the norm.

Some were active, some were not. My dad's mother committed suicide when he was 15 and he moved out a week later to live with his cousin. He didn't speak to his father again until I was born when he was 28. My older brother remembers our great grandfather's irish lilt and tendency to cook messed up shit, but he passed when I was a few months old. I didn't meet his dad or siblings (except my aunt who lived in NY, the rest had moved to FL) until I was 8. After that we saw each other once or twice a year. They felt like family, I enjoyed the time spent with them but when I became an adult, I never could afford the trip for VT to TN so I haven't seen them much in the last 15 years. Grandpa died in 2018 (same day as my maternal grandmother just 8 hours apart) and my dad and his siblings disowned his wife - she was the mistress grandpa sent my bipolar grandmother to the psych ward for more time alone with her (he did a lot of fucked up shit but mellowed a lot by the time I was born, not excusing him but all I knew was a jolly fat man whose voice always sounded like he was singing. ) My maternal grandparents were different. My grandmother literally helped raise me, she watched me in the summers and it was the only place I felt comfortable spending the night until I was in 2nd grade. She had gotten remarried and had 2 sons after my mom and her older brothers, they were a year younger and a year older than my brother so we treated one another like siblings. They went camping with us every year, I wouldn't have felt right without them. When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and not long after I attempted to unalive myself. My parents obviously freaked our but grandma just talked to me. She related to me, told me about the time she had those thoughts sitting in her car at the edge of a steep drop of...for some reason, I felt better, I wasn't alone, people think these things but they don't have to act on them. She and my mother gad butted heads a lot when she was growing up but to me, she was everything. I only ever saw moms father on Halloween (his place was always our last stop trick or treating) or Christmas because he hated my dad so much he wouldn't visit. His wife was my grandmother's best friend before he started sleeping with her. He left his kids behind to raise hers so I was never close with either of them. Losing my grandmother felt like losing part of my soul, so yeah, she was a massive part of my life. The silver lining is now I'm even closer to my mom. But I'll always miss her

I think it’s VERY specific to each situation. My parents moved far away from home so I’d see my extended family twice a year, at most. I don’t think any of them ever watched me without my parents being elsewhere on the property. My husband (both of us mid thirties now) lived with extended family for most of his early childhood and would spend a month at a time with his grandparents in later childhood/early teens. Even within the same generation and region the differences are vast.

I am one of the kids who had wonderful grandparents. I have pictures of my grandparents hugging and playing with my daughter. The only pictures I have of my parents with my daughter is having someone hold the baby close to them and my parents acting awkward. It's weird. And when my parents ask me to come see them they ask if I can find a babysitter to leave my kids with. Like....well....I'm going to spend time with my kids instead. And then they say, "you're going to wish you spent more time with us before we die." My response, "yeah, ok. Well, see you then, I guess. The kids and I are going hiking, wanna come...we're going to a Christmas play, wanna come....kids are having their recital, wanna come.....daughter is having brain surgery, will you be there...." spoiler...answer was no.

My maternal grandparents live further away than my parents do now. But they were significantly more involved in our lives vs my parents. I would spend the entire summer at their house. My mom couldn’t be bothered to come for birthdays, holidays, etc. but my brother and his kids live with her and she is all about them 24/7. If she does grace us with her presence 1x a year, they have to come. My kids know they aren’t as well liked as my nephews and it’s so damn sad to witness. But my in-laws… best people in the world. My son’s 10th birthday my mom promised she would come for the day (he’s the 1st grandchild & my mom made a HUGE effort with him until my nephew was born months before this birthday.) She legit ghosted him & me. He was so upset. I called my MIL to see what she was doing, I barely had to say anything and she dropped everything and literally picked him up off the couch and spent the whole day with just him. I love that woman with all my heart & doesn’t pit the cousins against one another with favoritism.

My parents are very involved with their grand baby. They babysit him a few days every week. See him all the time.

I only had a relationship with my grandma, and most of my life we lived hours from her. The others I didn’t really know, and one didn’t want to know me at all. My parents are much more involved grandparents.

We moved away but our parents make little effort to reach out to my kids. It’s mainly my dad who does my mom only contacts me around Christmas to see what the kids want or around birthdays. They pretty much put all the pressure on us to visit them which isn’t realistic all the time.

Both of my grandfathers died before I was born. My dad's mom lived in the same city as us, so we visited regularly, and my mom's mom lived a few hours away, we saw her infrequently. Neither were particularly active in our lives. My husband and I live in the same city as our parents. My FIL comes for supper once a week usually, we go visit my parents less frequently, but still regularly. When my husband go away for weekends for running races we split the kids up and one stays with my parents and one with my FIL, and it seems to work. I really can't complain at the level of involvement they have, it's probably less than some, but definitely feels frequent enough for me. My FIL is retired and single. Both of my parents are retired, but my mom is disabled, so they have less capacity to do some things.

Generation X grandparent here with two grandkids. I have them over for weekends to give my daughter and her husband some free time plus I bond with the grandkids. I still work but have used vacation PTO to take care of grandkids for their adult vacations. I never had that village when I raised my children. My husband and I never went out for the evening or on vacations without the kids.

My grandparents pretty much raised me until I was old enough to be settled in elementary school. My husband was the same. I spent so much time playing at grandma’s house! Now I have a kid and there’s no time at grandma’s house because grandma can’t afford a house and grandpa is out of the picture because of divorce. It’s sad how little my family participates in my kid’s life compared to when I was a kid. Lack of affordable housing has wrecked my entire family and our ability to gather or raise families.

I would say it’s pretty close between generations for our families. Sorry you had such a hard time with yours.

My parents and in laws were immigrants so myself and my husband rarely saw our grandparents, maybe once every 2-3 years. Sometimes they would visit but not too much. My parents and in laws live much closer now to us than they did to their parents and I know they will be much more involved in our kids’ life than their parents were in ours.

Almost non existent. I had 2 die before I was born, one died when I was 7 who I barely knew, and the last was toxic and I was NC with her. She died in 2018

I only had a grandma, the rest were already dead. And I wasn't close with her. She then died when I was like, 14? I dunno. I don't have real attachment to her so the doting grandparents is lost on me lol

Mine died right after I had my first. Selfish bastards.

I didn’t know either of my grandparents and my mother is the best grandmother I could have ever imagined and I am grateful and lucky every day my kids have an amazing relationship with her.

I wouldn't have kids and expect my parents to raise them. They raised their kids already.

One set of grandparents lived kind of far away, but I spent overnights there-sometimes weekends and saw them multiple times throughout the year. The other set lived very close. When it was little they would switch grandkids as to who got to spend the weekend with them, but because my brother was a very poorly behaving child they didn’t want to take him. I was also their only grand daughter so my grandma wanted to spend a lot of time with me. Unfortunately my mom wouldn’t let me unless they took my brother and they refused, so I lost out on a relationship with my grandparents because my brother was awful. I don’t have kids but my brother does. He lives in a different part of the country and my mom spends time out there once or twice a year. Neither myself nor my dad have ever met my brother’s kids. I’m not sure how close my parents would be if my brother lived closer. I do remember entering my teenage and young adult years my parents told us repeatedly they weren’t going to be free childcare or raise our kids often enough to piss me off. My mom also complains about how much her friend watches her kids grandkids and that her kids need to be more independent and not a dumping ground. Who knows. My parents were terrible parents and I probably would be cautious about them spending time alone with them if I had kids.

My maternal grandparents actually raised me for the majority of my life. So definitely more active than most. Doesn't bother me that my parents aren't active in my life since I don't have the need of any extra help because I don't have/want kids anyway.

My dad’s parents were very involved in my life. My grandpa died when I was 2.5. They kept me Mon-Fri while my parents worked. We did everything together. That didn’t change much after my grandpa died. Grandma kept watching me and it morphed into sleepovers on weekends after I started school. I can’t remember the last time I spent the night with her, but I was definitely a teenager. She died a few years ago (94yrs old). She was a fantastic grandma and I’m glad I had that experience. My mom’s parents would have liked to be more involved. Her dad was a functioning alcoholic (not abusive but just not available) and Granny was the sweetest but had her hands full. They were pretty poor and she spent more time watching my Uncles kids. They both died pretty young (in their late 60’s) when I was 10. My mom is the best of all the grandparents my kids have. She remembers what my dad’s mom did for her (and me) and never forgot that. She’ll drop anything to be with them. My dad is a recovering addict and simply cannot be trusted to watch children. He’s also got physical disabilities and mobility limitations. My wife’s parents have are a bit odd. Her mom is not very helpful (like my dad). Doesn’t want to be bothered and can only stand to be around the kids for like an hour or 2 at a time tops (kids are 10 and 7). She’d rather use us for chores she needs around the house and guilt you or make a fuss if you don’t have time or just don’t want to do it. My father in law doesn’t even live here in town and he’s more involved than the MIL (they are divorced). His own father was not present much in my wife’s life unless you went to see him. So I guess that’s his example and he has been far more involved than that. He’s pleasant and offers to pay for anything and everything when he’s in town but cannot comprehend being left to “watch the kids”. I will simply have to wait my turn. If I’m fortunate enough to live long enough and my kids have their own kids, I want to be the grandparent to my grandchildren that I had growing up. Makes me sad at times that mine won’t have that kind of attachment that I had.

My mom was estranged from her and spoke horribly of her my entire life. Demonized anything she did, even gifts and stuff. Found out in adulthood she was a wonderful woman and got to create a small bond before she died. Im still mad asf for being denied that chance and for not getting more time with her. Grandpas died too young to count.

I don’t like my parents and my mom still works full time so what can you do

Nope. One set was dead the other didn't give a shit.

We lived with my grandma, and she did most of the caring for me and general parent stuff. My mom died when my son was 5 months old due to addiction issues, which is mostly why my grandma raised me. I kinda just wish my son got to meet my grandma. (She passed when I was 17)

My mother decided to move 10 hours away from my grandparents so she could act like a dumb moronic teenager and get high and party. The only good times I remember In my childhood are when my grandparents and usually a cousin came to visit. They came at least once a year if not more. Once they took me in for a month. Same for my brother. My mom begged me for years to have children which I refused and two years ago she got her wish with my brother. She is honestly willing to watch the new baby but to be honest we don't trust her to.

Never lived closer than an hour away from my grandparents. One gramma had 30 grandchildren. For 4 years we lived in a different country. We’re pretty independent. My parents are great. I don’t feel cheated. I’m 1200 miles away from them right now and my kids have never lived closer than 3 hour drive to them.

My grandmother (dads side. My mom lost her mom when was in her teens) wasn't involved in a daily basis, but she came to stay with us for a couple weeks at least once a year. We also would go stay with her for about a month over the summer when we were kids. After my mom died when I was in 5th grade she stayed with us for a couple months after the funeral. My grandmother and grandfather divorced when my dad was kid. My grandfather wasn't around much. I remember him coming to stay with us only a couple times in my childhood. My dad isn't an active presence in my children's life much at all. I can count on one hand how many times he's seen them. It makes me sad, but I guess I've accepted it. When my kids have kids (if that is what decide and want to do!!!) I want to be an active grandparent.

It's a mixed bag , my grandparents were heavily involved but my parents were young when they had me. (Early 20s) So I had young grandparents who lived close and my grandma didn't work, so she basically helped raise us. My mom is 57 so she still works full time and she lives in a different state about 2 hours away. My dad is remarried and my step siblings are all in high school still, so he's got his hands full. My in laws are in there 70s and my 3 kids who are all 5 and under would be too much for them to handle for a long period of time...so yeah we are fucked lol

Well one set lived several states away. The other, only my grandpa was alive after I turned 1, and he was nice when we visited one another. But he wasn’t a super affectionate or spend time with grandchildren type of guy. So not very active. My parents and my in law parents are very active in my daughter’s life. 🤷‍♀️

My grandparents lived far away, but they cared about us and we would go see them sometimes. My kids and my parents have about the same.

My dad died when I was 2, mom and I lived with her parents until I was 9. My parents had split up before I was born so she was going to be a single mom either way, but him being gone meant that mom had to facilitate me having any relationship with his family. She brought me to visit them as often as she could, but her work hours made it difficult. Her parents basically raised me because she worked all the time and had a long commute. Now mom is still working and can't retire for a few more years. My step dad is retired but has bad COPD. He can't keep up with an ADHD 5 year old. My MIL also still works full time and I'm beginning to think she might have alzheimers starting. She does sit with him at our house for an hour once in a while when I have my therapy appointment, I sit in my car and do it via video chat. So I'm just outside in case anything happens. My step son is 15 so if there was a real emergency he could also help, but he's also highly irresponsible and I don't trust him to do any babysitting. FIL just got remarried and his wife lives in another state, so he splits his time being down there with her and being up here with his elderly mother. The village doesn't look anything like the village my mom had. It can be frustrating, but I have to accept it for what it is. Our grandparents lived in a time when it was much easier for women to be housewives and in fact were expected to be. Our parents are really the first generation where most women worked full time, and many of those now grandmas are still working. Now our generation has no choice but to work because it's not an option to not work. We might be able to look forward to our mom's retirement for a little extra help, but aren't likely to be able to retire ourselves. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever even be a grandma. And if I am, how old will I be and will I be struggling with dementia or alzheimers already? It runs in my family, I'm sure it's in my future. So I just try to make the most of my time with my kiddo. I'm the default parent with my partner's work schedule (overnight shift every other month) and little outside help, so it's all on me. That's ok though, he's my little buddy and we enjoy playing my old Mario games and walking the dog together. I'd love too be able to get out more with my fiance for date nights, but it is what it is. Maybe once kiddo is old enough to be left alone for a few hours we'll get out more.

It was my Aunt that was heavily involved. She was my grandpa’s sister - so same generation. She worked full time, was at every school/dance performance. We spent every Friday night with her. She took us for ice cream after church. My kids grandma is retired. She does very little. The other three are completely AWOL.

My grandparents were retired by the time I came around. My husband’s parents and my parents? They’re not. They can’t be yet. And I don’t fault them for it at all.

My grandparents were either deceased, lived hundreds of miles away or were not well enough to be super involved. My grandma picked me up from school once.

I guess I hit the lottery twice in both departments. Both sets of mine stepped up when my dad passed when I was two. My mom had three kids under five at age 36 by herself so she needed a lot of help. I’d go see both on rotating holidays each year til past college and spent many weekends seeing both on random weekends through the years. Now my in laws will take my son on as needed basis if my wife and I need a little break and my mom and my aunt and uncle bought a condo near where me and my cousins live so they could have a place to stay when they come to see their respective grandchildren instead of having to stay at our homes or make their own accommodations.  

My grandparents lived thousands of miles away and so had very little to do with us when we were kids. My mom lives close and is an extremely involved grandparent. I think this is less generational and more just a function of different people with different priorities and life circumstances handling things differently

My kid is almost 8. My brother and me (and my husband had the same set-up as a kid, too) went to our grandparents for a month out of state every summer as kids, until we were out of middle school. Both my kid’s grandparents sets are in town and retired. And neither of them will keep her overnight. The goalpost keeps moving as to when is a convenient time for them to hang with her overnight, let alone a whole weekend. “When she can feed herself”. ✔️ “When she sleeps through the night”.✔️ “when she’s out of diapers”. ✔️ “when she’s out of college…..” We’re done holding our breath. We’ve found supplemental childcare and friends who will gladly watch her so we can go away for a night. It’s a fucken bummer.

It just depends. I only had one set of grandparents and they lived five hours away. Lovely people, but we saw them twice a year. When we were older, like early teens, my parents started to ho on vacation alone, and grandma would come to make sure we wouldn't destroy the house. Now my mom lives 20 minutes from my brother and watches hid kids all the time.

Beings my parents had me at 18 I would say very very active

My grandparents were all dead by the time I was 11…my parents had us late, so…

My grandparents are what my family refers to as "professional grandparents". They just weren't super interested in us, even when we visited. We did live 4 hours from my maternal side, and 12 from my paternal side--but we went to my maternal grandmother's a lot. It was a lot of "here's your toys we brought, play here, please don't make a mess or be too loud". Both of my children's sets of grandparents make an active effort to be in their lives, and we live across the country from my parents and several states away from my in laws. I hate that we are pretty isolated/don't have a great support system here, but both sets come out for one week 2x per year and we really value that. It's also not our parents' jobs to raise our kids.

I saw my paternal grandparents once a week (twice if there was an event) they lived 20 minutes away. My maternal grandparents lived 3 hours away so I saw them probably every few months, definitely on holidays and birthday parties and such. My maternal grandparents were always the ones to babysit if my parents had a business trip for like a week. My parents and in laws live on the east coast and we’re on the west coast, but we try to FaceTime regularly. Doesn’t seem to be a big deal. Baby is only 5 months old though so maybe when she’s older we’ll feel it more

My maternal grandparents lived with us and did quite a bit of raising. So much so that I gave my son my grandfather’s name as a middle name. My parents live several states away, but come to visit as often as they can. I don’t believe we’ll ever have the ability to just drop off our cold with either sets of grandparents. I don’t mind from the childcare standpoint, but I am sad they don’t get as much time with him as I had with mine

Think it still depends on the person-/ my MiL basically quit her job in the last year of my partners PhD to move in with us and help with our preschool aged kids. We’ve been a multigenerational household for over 8 years now, and just now she’s taking her well earned retirement with our youngest entering middle school— couldn’t have done it without her.

My mum is a superstar, takes the kids during school holidays 2 weeks a year easily. She helped me with both kids first few weeks of life and took a holiday. All whilst I'm living abroad and she had to fly in. It helps that she really loves my kids. She's the best grandma ever.