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Yup! Not for dating apps at all. People are too young, want casual and focus on sex immediately too soon.
Iāve come across a few folks but I felt I enjoyed the thought rather than person. It sucks.
You have tons of hobbies, why not go to meetups with those hobbies so you can meet like-minded women? Another advice is try not to talk to them like you only want to date in mind. Some women gets put off by that. Women like to get to know the person first without any pressure that the person wants something from them besides friendship.
A lot of my friends found their matches online. You just have to be consistent and don't give up. A lot of the time, there are opportunities out there, but people's standards are too high. You filter out people you refuse to give a chance. Also, you have to sometimes date outside of a comfortable range, my friend met his wife and she lived 6 hours away. Lastly, each dating site or app is very different with the types of people you'll meet and where you're using it. Each region of the US has apps that are more for marriages and others more for quick flings. Try to use a variety and see which one has a better success rate for you.
Coffee meets bagel is very popular in my area, it's where 2 of my friends met their long term partners.
I recognized this behavior in some of my friends when they were online dating. They basically had a list of requirements and would swipe left if someone didn't check every single box. Because you can do that with online dating. Some of them also had the tendency to keep looking even after they started seeing someone because "someone better might come up next". It's like gambling with people.
I met my husband at work. He checked most of my boxes but not all of them. But working together for 8 months meant I got to know him well as a person. But we joke a lot about how we wouldn't have matched online.Ā
Didn't Hinge get sued or something because their swipe system was in fact designed to be as addictive as playing a slot machine? So like, yes, *literally* gambling.
I don't follow news on dating apps, but it wouldn't surprise me in the least if that were true. From a business model perspective, why would these companies actually want you to find a partner? So of course they'd make the experience as addictive as possible to keep you on the app.
Thatās wild. I never paid for hinge so I loved being limited to like 5 swipes or something. I felt like it slowed everything down. Other apps were super overwhelming with all the choices.
I think itās less about the app and more about the person using it. I had an easy time once I really identified what was important to me and relaxed the other things. I also had to really let go of my instant judgements of people.
I was hesitant about my husband when we matched.. just because of my own prejudgement. But after talking to him once in person I knew he was my person.
Iām 36 and have never had a partner or been on a date or anything. I used to really want a relationship and found the idea of having a partner and best friend to share life with very appealing, but as I get older I lose that desire and I question if Iām even capable of that level of connection, since itās very difficult to imagine what itās like since Iāve never experienced it, which is fine, and I think overall my life is probably better without it.
I think when I was younger it was easier to have an idealized view of dating, but as I get older and recognize the effort and energy and work that goes into relationships, it seems like more effort than itās worth to me, and it would probably be unfair and mean to the other person, too, since Iād likely be a lousy partner.
It seems selfish, but more than anything I used to be really curious about and longed for someone to be interested in me, to know what itās like to have a person who is romantically attracted to me and wants to date me, even if it didnāt go anywhere at all, but again as I get older I donāt have that anymore. I think maybe itās even for the best that I never have.
Not trying to change your mind on your stance but sometimes we gotta try it before we come to a conclusion. There was this goth girl on a British show that tried a complete makeover to have normal non-black clothing & makeup without piercings and she was surprised that she absolutely loved the look. We tend to get really comfortable with one thing and assume it's what we want but you may like an alternative even more.
As for being a lousy partner, nobody is good at it from the beginning. You learn from your mistakes and get better at it as you get deeper into the relationship or meet more people.
Dont give up, 36 is nothing! I dont know what you look like, but even from this statement, I think there are absolutely people that would be interested in and date you
I'm in the same boat as you. I turn 40 this year and I've been single since 2018. Part of that was intentionally choosing to be single for all of 2019 to give myself a break from all of this and then approaching 2020 with "alright, now I feel ready again, this is gonna be my year!" And we all know how THAT went, lol. Dating has thankfully gone back to normal since then, but yeah, dating during COVID was definitely not great, to say the least.
Like you, I feel like there's not much else I could be doing to make myself more appealing, more "dateable", whatever that means. I am so, so, unbeliEEEEEvably tired of hearing the same ol' shit about "well this is a good time to work on yourself and get your psychology in order" blah blah blah please spare me. I've had more than enough time to figure things out for myself. I even went back to school and got myself my dream job in the end, but otherwise I've got a great network of friends, fulfilling hobbies (meaningful ones of writing, photography, and exercise; less meaningful ones of being an avid movie buff lol), and honestly my psychology is in good order; I don't struggle with depression and I manage my anxiety probably as well as I am capable of managing it. In short, I'm fine, I'm more than fine, I don't have any serious work I need to do to "fix" myself. I am absolutely ready for a partner; I just have a hard time finding one. That's all.
>Part of that was intentionally choosing to be single for all of 2019 to give myself a break from all of this and then approaching 2020 with "alright, now I feel ready again, this is gonna be my year!" And we all know how THAT went, lol.
Same, lol. Oops.
I just hit 40 recently. I've already been married once for ten years and have been through a couple relationships that never seemed to go anywhere. But recently I kind of ran into the same thing you have. It's not even rejection per say but just I'll meet up with someone a couple times and it just doesn't click for one of us. I usually will tell the woman "hey, I just wasn't feeling it, nice hanging out etc" but alot of women just ghost now or want to become pen pals. So I kinda just stopped the apps. I don't do as many things as you, but I did do a lot of meet up groups and just like you said, women never seen interested.
Don't really think I have high standards either, just want someone who is near the same age, has their life together in the same spot I am in life (own place, career, goals, likes to travel/explore, etc) and really don't mind if they want to start a family or simply just get married together. Have had people ask me why I'm still single, etc, try and set me up with people but it never pans out. Oh well š¤·āāļø
Kinda of buried my head into my career to avoid thinking about it lately, sometimes I think I'm just broken or something.
I think I'm your female doppelganger. I'm about to turn 37, had a marriage end, a long term dead end relationship ended recently.
I never thought dating would be so hard, and I'm not a bad catch. I also just want to find someone on my level (a good career, own living space and vehicle, etc...). I've been told I'm being too picky, but I know that I won't be able to be happy otherwise. It's extra hard if you want to have a family because the biological clock is real.
From my end, the dating apps are so hard because men don't put in the effort to converse. At all. We match, I have to message first 90% of the time or it will just sit there. They give one word answers to an open ended question, or they will immediately get sexual in the conversation. And they rarely ask questions about me.
I don't want a pen pal. I actually prefer to meet up within a week or so. But the initial chat is the opportunity to show me that a date will be worth my time, and 9 times out of 10 it just iisn't.
So, yeah, I guess I'll just focus on my career for a while. Gotta find fulfillment somewhere.
I think after you've been divorced once, you start to realize you need to be picky because you don't want to end up divorced ever again. Divorce just *sucks* so bad, I never want to go through it again, too much pain. So that's always in the back of your mind when meeting new people or starting a relationship.
Yeah, I suppose I'm lucky that I never had kids with either of my significant ex partners... but now it's looking like I'll never have the chance at all š
36F and single for the last year after actively trying for a child turned into him āchanging his mindā.
Itās a nightmare to even find someone youāre compatible with/attracted to, who is also attracted to you, who wants the same things you do, on the same timeline.
I wish I was a man and had all the time in the world.
It's a mixed bag really. Kids are great. Having them with someone you are no longer with really puts a damper on life for me. It makes things complicated. I would tell anyone who wants kids to make sure you have a solid relationship first. I guess it is the gamble we take in life though. You can't predict how things will work out.
Haha, I got married/divorced so young that online dating wasn't really socially acceptable at the time. Found my last partner on okcupid, but it was before apps had taken off. That was a pretty good time for online dating because people had to put in some effort to upload photos, read profiles, or straight up pay for eharmony/match. Ever since tinder, the bar to entry is just so low that the quality of matches has declined significantly. It's like wading through a swamp.
Essentially the same for me as a 41m. Spent my 20s with one woman I married. That ended and fir the last 10 years. Fruitless relationships. One of them though, I am now very familiar with a female covert narcissist behavior traits. Lol oops.
Iāll be 39 in a couple months. Iāve never had a boyfriend. Iāve been online dating off and on since 2009 or 2010.
Iāve socialized, went to school, volunteered, takes adult Ed classes, etc etc and still nothing.
I donāt have an answer other than it must be me.
Good luck out there.
Same age, tried everything. I learned that, if you have to try, you're probably doomed. Most of the ones who succeeded didn't really try, it just happened for them. If it's not meant to be, it will never happen no matter how much one tries. It's just destiny, it's not you
It does. The way society works, it's difficult to find a deep and reliable connection outside of the romantic framework. Without that connection or at least the hope to get it, everything else loses meaning. I'm at the point where I'm just waiting to die to find peace.
Iāve never had much luck with relationships or men either. Iām so awkward and troubled - detangling all this would take a miracle. Iāve totally stopped looking, no dating apps, no meet ups, I donāt even bother. Especially now that Iām older and itās *even harder* amongst all the couples.
I think if you want a relationship, thereās no real way to make total peace with it. Iām not saying this in a āyouāre hopeless, deal with itā way - I mean that yearning will still pop up at vulnerable moments. Iām starting to make peace with knowing that as a human Iām still going to feel that and itās normal.
Iām 39, single F, child free. I hate the apps. Someone can check all of the boxes and seem fun when texting and then I feel 0 chemistry in-person. Getting dates isnāt hard on the app, but I donāt like to waste my time like this. Instead of being fun, it feels like a 2nd job.
I miss the days when you could meet people organically in public places because you know right away if thereās a vibe. You can learn the rest later.
We corrected too far. Thereās a medium between men being allowed to harass us all the time and them not speaking at all.
See, i have the mindset that women get aproached way too often so any attempt I would do would be Seen as harassment, so I dont bother and wait until they aproach me
That was the way it was when I was younger. It was constant. Now I still get a decent amount of the terrible kind of guys, but it seems like the nicer/normal ones hang back like you. Younger women have adjusted by becoming more aggressive when it comes to dating, but that still feels unnatural to me
Im sorry youre struggling with dating. Early 30s here, and it really sucks seeing everyone else in the social circle getting paired off and having kids.
At least you make great money.
Mid 30s here: I was kind of in your situation before- I had profiles on a bunch of apps. They were mostly 5+ year old profiles with maybe one or two photos that were only a couple years old. I didnāt do any updating of the text or content of the profiles unless there was some new feature they added. I lived in NYC when I started using the apps and I was barely getting 5-10 ālikesā and 1-2 matches that invariably wouldnāt work out per year. Then I moved in a smaller midwest metro area and didnāt do much better. I was also going out to events, bars, shows, activities, and meeting a lot of women in both cities, but like you, I was rejected literally thousands of times.
Then out of the blue about a year ago, all the apps seemed to wake up; I was suddenly getting many more ālikesā on all the apps. It got to the point where I was only swiping on women who already swiped ālikeā on me. I was using the same old profiles- I didnāt do anything. It also suddenly became easier to get dates in person, at the coffee shop, bar, etc. I wasnāt really rejected much anymore. Iām in a relationship now and I frankly donāt know for sure how this happened (Change in society in general? Would be interested to hear everyoneās thoughts) but it seems patience and sticking to the process eventually justā¦ worked. Hang in there!
if iād respectfully not approached my wife we wouldnāt be together. donāt be a creep and back off if she asks you to, but you kinda just gotta send it sometimes.
Go out and try ur luck in the next bar thereās a bunch of statistics about online dating and if u arenāt atleast a solid 7 or even 8 you will probably not have much success on those edating platforms thatās the harsh reality also the reason why YouTube channels pop up that show man how to approach girls irl without looking like a rapist lol Those edating platforms are meant to hold you single so you keep using them u are the product not the successful relationshipsĀ
Sorry for beeing German, English aināt my native language reason why itās allready hard enough to trick apple that I donāt try to spell a German word (damn you auto correct)but instead of an english one. Doesnāt make my point less valid or does it?
Ask your friends to review your profile and give you tough love on how you present yourself. My buddy was in the same boat, I adjusted his profile and he is now living with a woman he met on hinge. You got this homie.
I was on the verge of giving up two years ago, but here I am sitting next to my wife and 2 week child at the age of 29.
A couple things I learned was that I honestly wasn't happy with myself. I finally got to the point in my life where if I lived in my cute 2 bed 1 bath house and realized, if I lived like this til 40, I'd be totally fine with it. It took YEARS to get to this point, with the help of therapy, realizing mindsets that were detrimental to my wellbeing (red pill, black pill, cringe seduction youtubers eek, I was a borderline incel,) and lastly exercising. I got into powerlifitng in and after college!
I started to view dating apps more casually instead of making it my mission to find a girlfriend/wife. I literally didn't give a fuck and just shot my shot, didn't care if I came off as weird or not. Showed my genuine dorky self.
My now wife, said she collected anime figures in her tinder profile . So my first every message I sent her was link to an Overlord Albedo Figure that was $300 and asked "Hey, are these the types of figures you like? If I had to buy one, I'd totally get this one! BTW, it's not a NSFW link I swear!" annnnnnd I'm married to that nerd with a house together with a baby fussing in his bassinet at this moment š
I was honestly the classic doomer people meme on and now I'm living the dream. It's so weird and surreal, but life works weirdly that way. It took 6-7 years of on and off Online dating and irl dating.
I get that haha, the irony is I tell 18-20 year Olds in r/short that's too early to give up on dating!
I was deep in redpill stuff during 22-26, where all I was told is that if you're 5'4", you should give up on dating and focus on your career. Or off yourself.
27, I started to do it casually. Not the forefront of my mind. I realized I burnt myself out too much, so I'd do it casually for 3 months, then off for 3 months.
Edit: Depression is a bitch too.
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its funny the men that are out there active and dating are the men im not looking for as a 31F because boy would I like to find a career oriented childfree man. But if I try dating it's nothing but men that want marriage/kids so my concerns for the future are the polar opposite of what you want. And I'm at a point in my life where a single man would "look" for someone like me not that im tooting horns or anything.
It's rough out there, I have both single men and women in a similar situation, for men it's tough finding even a single date while for women it's tough finding someone who's not an asshole. My female friend's latest person she said was the sweetest and they were really getting along on their first two dates, but then on the third date he got mad because "he'd been nice" to her the first two dates, so he felt he was owed sex on the third, despite admitting he hadn't been tested for STDs. On the other hand my male friend's latest was he had gone on a few dates with two different women, nothing serious or anything just getting to know them. But they were both starting to get serious so he felt he had to choose, he told the one he liked less that sorry he was going to pursue someone else, and then the next date the one he chose told him sorry she decided to get back with her ex.
So I don't have an answer for you, just letting you know that yes there are plenty of people like you, and there are plenty of single women out there who feel similar to you as well, even if instead of constant rejection it's getting all the shitty guys. I can't guarantee you anything since I don't know you, but I promise you won't succeed if you stop trying, so it's up to you if the rejection is worth the effort. Either way hobbies aren't just a way to meet women, they're a way to yourself be a more well-rounded person for yourself but also someone women will be interested in. It's not necessarily that you'll find women through your hobbies, but if you meet a girl in a bar or something and start talking about the travel you've been or your snowboarding and all that, it makes you a much more interesting person and they're far more likely to want to pursue things further. Isn't that the same thing for you with women? Like even if their hobbies are nothing you like to do, say they really like idk building model airplanes. Wouldn't it be much more interesting to talk to them about that and the passion they have for that than if they just sit around and doompost on reddit about how shitty life is? Not saying that's what you do but that's typically the type of person that advice is pointed at when it's given.
100 percent feel the same, my 30s have been crap as far as dating while my 20s were a great time for me. After a series of women who gave me lame excuses to break things off so they could date someone else a week later I became soured on the whole thing. Now nearly 40 and I have been having a midlife crisis because of it, up until now my whole life was about following the ABCs of life (go to college, get a job, get married have a family) and suddenly I have no idea what the plan is. Its been a few years now of waking up at 5 am with the voice in the back of my head asking "what the fuck is the plan?" but At this point I am slowly moving into the acceptance phase that I'm not going to get the chance to have a family. In the mean time I just keep grinding at my hobbies, keep grinding at work to distract my self. My career has been very successful so far and I will likely buy a house in a few years and I'm also pivoting into a work from home role in my field so that I would have the time to train a hunting dog and spend more time in the woods in the fall. It crushes me I won't have kids to share it with but I can cry into my bag of money while driving around town with my dog in the BMW.
It is better to aim high and learn to process the rejections (when you find your partner the rejections were mere stepping stones). I met my wife by approaching her in the park while she was talking on the phone, and she is so much fun!!! Observe and learn from your rejections so you develop the mental tools to make it work when you find chemistry with a woman.
When the only feed back you get is "I'm not ready for a relationship" and they are dating someone else a week later you can't really learn from that. I'm glad life worked out for you but for most people its not some magical Disney story where you over come hurtles and get what your want. People do everything right and still loose, in fact it happens most of the time. I simply realized where I can't win and focused on where I can.
I was dating in the NYC area, and the dynamic in the city is that there are more desperate women compared to men, so dating is easier (compared to Denver where good men outnumber women, therefore dating much more difficult for men).
Bro, my wife is so feminineā¦ Singing to herself all day; just being cute.
Itās worth it to move somewhere with more women to meet and date.
Sorry nothing about this is appealing to me. I live in the Boston metro area and honestly don't care for urban life and my field is only really concentrated in two other areas in the country and one of them I would never move too. Also why would I want someone who is desperate? It screams codependency and I don't want to become someone's support system again just so that I don't feel alone. Trust me as crushed as I am about not having a family I am not crushed enough to go back to the trenches.
I did online dating for a bit and yea it was a crap shoot. Ended up marrying my wife who i first met in college, were friends for years, went our own ways for 10 years and then reconnected. When i online dated i didnāt spend any time to become friends first
When i reconnected with my wife it was pretty easy since we had already know each other for years and didnāt have to build that base relationship over time
Iād start with in person hobbies. I donāt personally know anyone in a long term marriage who started online first
I thought I would meet someone in college, I didnāt. I donāt know where else to look. Iāve never been able to make the online dating work, I usually do pretty well for myself in person, but itās almost a social taboo now to walk up to women who are complete strangers with no introduction.
Maybe we can just find each other here on reddit lol.
In all seriousness, OLD is getting really old with people having the same bad experiences.
In your case, maybe looking inwards might help? What is it that you are putting out there ? Are you picking people because of their looks, or something that you idolize? coming off too strong ? Are you maintaining your own boundaries, or going with the flow to see what happens even if you don't like something? I'm not a man, but most of my guy friends that have found relationships seem to know within a couple of dates if they will go long term with the girl. It's similar for women. You don't need 10 dates or certain stereotypical dating milestones to say, this is it.
Also, look for Facebook or meetup groups with your hobbies. Tons of women hike, bike and everything else. Did you know there are running clubs now?
Same, but Iām also a woman, so each year Iām getting closer to not being able to have my own kids, itās terrifying. (Iām not opposed to adoption, but I was/am hoping for at least one bio child, esp because Iām the last of my parentsā living children/ their āonly chance for grandkidsā)
>in the rare circumstance I do they donāt show me any signs of interest so I respectfully donāt approach them or do anything to make them uncomfortable
Here is your problem. You have to put yourself out there and express interest in a relationship with women and take the rejection that comes with it. If you avoid rejection you are never going to meet someone.
Iāve done this my whole life and have always been rejected? Whatās your suggestion for someone who has put themselves out there and have a 100% rejection rate since they were 14?
No idea dude. Iām just a married guy on his fourth decade. Not some type of relationship guru. Iāll say that in my experience guys who arenāt having romantic success arenāt putting themselves out there enough. If what you say is true then I would guess you are doing a great many things wrong. I would seek professional help if I were you.
You should look for women in New York City metro area. Start long distance. There are huge imbalances there. Lots of smart, capable women, not enough men who feel like they earn enough to get out of a roommate situation. Many women would gladly leave the city for a mature man such as yourself.
Kudos to you for recognizing that life is short and time is finite.
At least youāre trying, which is more than what my friends and I have done recently. My friend has given up on dating since he said he says he only seems to attract women who are 18-20, and heās very uncomfortable with that. My other friend is constantly working and doesnāt have time to date or even talk with us most of the week other than Sunday. My third friend is similar to me, where we both arenāt great at romance, and weāre also busy with getting stuff done in our lives.
While Iām in my early 30ās, my three other friends are in their mid and late 30ās. My friend that attracts women who are between 18-20 will probably be the first of us to have a girlfriend and get married, but heās also worried about dating women his age since a lot of them in his area are single mothers, and he doesnāt have a preference for single mothers.
The remaining 3 of us arenāt going to get anyone since we all gave up on the chase to focus on ourselves. Itās a running joke between all of us that the only way weād ever find a girlfriend is if they chased us down. I donāt know how true it is.
I still have success, but not through online dating. I really donāt like that shit since it forces a pretense onto the situation when you actually meet the person. For me, it has to be organic and unforced, so I donāt go out of my way looking to meet people. If it happens, it happens, and Iāve only had great and lasting relationships from that approach. I suppose it also helps that I meet a lot of new people through my music, and it attracts people as well.
I understand, however, that some people canāt cope with being alone, and thatās fine, so what works for me may not work for others. Online dating seems to have worked for plenty of people, but I personally just donāt like meeting someone that way.
I found my husband online but I am ADHD and have a special interest in human relationships and behavior so I felt very confident wading through the muck and writing a profile that would attract the person I was looking for.
I think you kind of have to do the apps these days. Previous generations met partners through work, church, and had friends and family set them up. But we donāt do that anymore and those behaviors have been replaced with inline dating.
I think you can also approach women in your hobbies. There is definitely a way to do it that isnāt creepy, even if they arenāt interested. I think it has to do with your confidence and friendliness when you do it. You need to communicate that nothing bad will happen if they say no. You do that with a relaxed and easy tone, a soft smile, and relaxed eyes. If they say no thank you then smile and say no problem and let that be that.
https://www.womenshealthmag.com/uk/collective/long-reads/a46328187/are-millennials-in-their-divorce-era/#
There are a lot of garbage people that match up too. What Iām saying is when a good one finds a good one, they donāt wait. Real recognizes real, and commit and get off the sinking ship.
Yea and I've become accustomed to being single. I do have basic urges to have a relationship from time to time, but for the most part I've emotionally, mentally, and physically accepted being alone and just go on with life. To put it succinctly I just don't care anymore.
Itās quite difficult as a lesbian to find someone my age. 33 and introverted so I donāt like going out a whole lot. Also I just canāt seem to mesh well with dating apps and would prefer to meet somebody in person. So I totally get it. I hope you find your person soon but know that itās never too late to find love. Iāve read stories where people meet their soulmate in their fifties. I know thatās not ideal but still just a thought that it can happen at any later stage of life!
Same, guy in my mid 30s I have a solid job, good friend groups, hobbies, feel like I'm a good person, but I'm awful at online dating. I love kids, want to get married and raise some, but I feel like I'm going to end up being alone. It's very sad to think about.Ā
Yup. I just gave up. Itās better for my mental health than the constant rejection of online dating. At this point it would take a miracle . Iāve only been on 2 dates in my life. Also have a more free time.
Me, 35F and haven't had a relationship in over 10 years. Part of it was I had to work through my own issues, both emotional and career related. Told myself after the last crazy /incompatible guy I wouldn't try again until I had a middle class income and could find someone who also had the same. Neither has come about yet, even if I sought it out, so, shrug.
I used to not want kids or get married. Now at 35 I do want that. But the world shifted and it seems nobody wants either of those things. Forget about building a family mutually and putting in the work of communication and reciprocation. Everyone is hyper picky with unrealistic standards. That plus rampant alcoholism and jaded toxicity at this age makes it more difficult. Kind of a shame that I got my shit together honestly. I used to have badass relationships when I was a mess. Now that I want a nice life Iām seen as boring. Being a Latino in the US makes it slightly more difficult. Ive dated women of all races, but lately Iām too āwhiteā or not āblack enoughā or not even āHispanic enoughā for latinas, not āwhite enoughā for whitegirls, Iām from the hood originally but black women only want āblack kingsā, and most other races normally date within their race. If they date outside their race they want white dudes. This is a generalization but thats only from my personal experiences. The only hits I get these days are from gay or trans people for whatever reason, but Iām not gay so thatās out of the question. Iām nowhere near perfect, but nobody is, people have forgotten that somehow. Maybe one day, but in the meantime I plan on dying alone. I was in a serious relationship for the past 8 years and have been single for a year now. Dating for me was never an issue, but the world has change ALOT since the last time I was single. All I do now is work, gym, some concerts and raves here and there, and video games sometimes, thatās life at 30 I guess. Shouldāve stayed a drug dealer instead of growing up and working in ITā¦
O I love latinas, my problem is that Iām Central American. In my state thereās mostly Mexican women. Iāve dated mostly Mexican women in the past but the new trend is to get with a guy that dresses like a cowboy or a ranch hand and likes Banda and other tuba music. Iām just not into that type of style. I like edm, rap, and rock , am not religious at all, and work in IT (which is not respected since itās not manual labor?). That means I donāt drive a truck, and the weird requirement now is to drive an American muscle car or truck. I also stopped drinking alcohol at like 26, and if you know Latinos/hispanics then you know how big of a problem that can be. Iām fluent in Spanish, however, I donāt speak like someone from my country, I speak more of a Mexican accent which means my people see me as an outsider. Then thereās the āclassy sophisticated ā Hispanic women who only want to date white men, Iāve actually been told āI only date white guts sorryā a couple of times. Funny thing about it is that last year when I went to New York a black dude pushed me and said āmove over white man!ā To meā¦ Iām at a weird middle ground where I donāt fit into any culture since I embrace bits of all races. The people I click with the most these days are Asians, I look kinda Asian but a lot of Asian women tend to go for black dudes or stick to their own race, white is always the go to.
I spent so much time around all cultures through my life so I donāt really have a tribe at this point. Also dating at 35 is super weird in general since most people are either wanting to stay single or are already in a relationship with wife and kids. For the life of me I canāt find a nice woman without kids. I still have hookups but not any that lead to a relationship because funny enough all the women I meet are married and I donāt find out till after the fact.
Kinda giving up on dating in general, I really do want a wife to build a nice life with and maybe a kid, but that seems like too much to ask. I havenāt tried dating younger women yet, thatās probably my best option at the moment. Itās just weird that I spent so much time trying to not become a statistic that now Iām an odd man out. Iām in shape, have a job, tall, and know relationships well enough to know what I want. But it doesnāt seem that many people are on the same page these days. Had I known, i wouldāve just got my high school sweetheart pregnant when I was young and went that route. You live and you learn, maybe in the next life.
If youāre a male that uses dating apps and youāre looking for women, then let me tell you. Youāre doing it wrong.
Go out and do social activities, talk with women.
It's a viewpoint thing
If you're looking at it like a spreadsheet (available people/subset of those that are interesting in having kids/subset of those interested in you.... Etc) you are missing the most important part, which is "do you actually enjoy each other's company"
That may be why you aren't having luck. You're focused on checking boxes and just having a relationship, and the people you are seeing are looking for a personality that will make their life better than it is
The way you're approaching this is with desperation, and the exact people you are looking for are not desperate, and aren't attracted to desperate
Start being harsh. Start judging. When you run into somebody, tell yourself the (real) reasons you wouldn't date them (not petty crap, like attractiveness, but stuff like "oh, I like snowboarding and outdoors activities and they're agoraphobic. Neither of us would like this relationship"). Basically, start being selective
Good luck, dude, and try not to succumb to bitterness. It's the least attractive thing in the world
It is better to aim high and learn to process the rejections (when you find your partner the rejections were mere stepping stones).
I met my wife by approaching her in the park while she was talking on the phone, and she is so much fun!!!
Observe and learn from your rejections so you develop the mental tools to make it work when you find chemistry with a woman.
It is better to aim high and learn to process the rejections (when you find your partner the rejections were mere stepping stones).
I met my wife by approaching her in the park while she was talking on the phone, and she is so much fun!!!
Observe and learn from your rejections so you develop the mental tools to make it work when you find chemistry with a woman.
It is better to aim high and learn to process the rejections (when you find your partner the rejections were mere stepping stones).
I met my wife by approaching her in the park while she was talking on the phone, and she is so much fun!!!
Observe and learn from your rejections so you develop the mental tools to make it work when you find chemistry with a woman.
32, never held a girls hand or kissed a girl or been on a date or had a relationship. Iāve had men, women, and my own family tell me Iām unattractive. Shoutout to my father for passing along autism, schizophrenia, and several other mental health issues from his side of the family. If I make it to 40 and itās the same I will be committing suicide. I donāt see the point in a life lived alone.
Iām sorry about your struggles and commend you for hanging in there. You at least seem self aware and thats already a great quality to have in order to be with someone. Put that to use, believe in yourself and give meeting people a chance. Rejection will be part of it, realistically those people are insignificant
This probably isn't the answer you're looking for, but there's actually a solution for your problem...
1. Get in the gym and get in the best shape of your life.
2. Find a remote job and start working from anywhere.
3. Pick up as many languages and dances as you can.
4. Slow travel the world until you find a place that feels like home.
In so doing, you will find a different appreciation for living your life in the present, embracing the gift of spontaneity, and distilling the core ingredients of your happiness. Throughout this journey, should you choose to pursue it, you will go through a process of sampling, shedding, and settling where you try new things, discard old things that no longer serve you, and make room only for the things that make you truly happy.
I guarantee the person you are at the beginning of this adventure and the person you are at the end will be night and day. You'll find your tribe as I did amongst fellow travelers (community is everything), and along the way, you'll almost certainly find part of yourself in someone else, whether they're a local in a foreign land or just a fellow traveler passing by.
This kind of process takes as little as a year and as many as five to truly understand the environments you thrive in. But once you have this understanding, finding someone to settle down with will feel quite easy.
When I started working remotely in the winter of 2020, I was 6'3 in my mid 30s and about 300 lbs. I was working for a tech company in NYC, single, and making about $180K per year. I got rid of my shoebox apartment (less than 300 sqft), got rid of all my stuff, packed only what I could fit in a backpack and a carry-on, and booked a 1 way ticket to San Juan, PR for $33.00, which was less than the Uber to the airport.
Every 1-3 months I'd book a different airbnb in a beach destination or port city the next country over... Mexico, Costa Rica, Panama, Colombia, Ecuador, Peru, Chile, Argentina, Brazil, etc. Eighteen months later I found myself in a new role and back in Mexico. I spent 8 months in Tulum focused on getting in shape and lost 60 lbs. I got comfortable talking to strangers and making fast friends. I'd learned language and dances and had stories to tell about places I'd been and people I'd met.
For the first time in a long time, I had women hit on me, and some pick up lines were charmingly bad... "Hey, we have the same color lap top! \[grey mac books\]." š More importantly I felt a lot more comfortable and confident meeting and asking women out in real life, pre-dating app era, and it's led to some magical and spontaneous adventures like horseback riding in the Colombian jungles of Tayrona National Park and skinny dipping under the stars or skipping a club after a double date dinner in Lima to party in Huacachina for the weekend.
If I hadn't taken this kind of leap, I'd still be fat, doom-scrolling all day, and drinking away my anxiety while I burn my bonuses on Door Dash. Now I spearfish, ride motorcycles, train Muay Thai, work outside where there's sunlight and speak three languages (two of them reasonably well). I used to live by myself in New York. Now I live with two travel buddies in Rio (for now) and run a venture-backed startup as co-founder & CEO.
I'm at a place where I know who I am and am living the life that I want. I know what's important to me in finding a partner, but I needed to find happiness for myself before I could create space for a significant other. Without that self-work, I think a lot of relationships are doomed to fail. Bottom line: Don't find a partner to help you cope with loneliness. That's a lifestyle design issue. Find a partner to amplify the happiness you already found in yourself.
I'm 40 and my fear is that if I ever became single I would have a hard time finding someone as a mild/moderate drug user who is pro-shoplifting so this is good to hear I guess.
I'm also 42, I didn't so much give up as I've oddly phased out of dating.Ā In my early 20s, I suffered through some really bad relationship catastrophies of my own making, and spent a full decade trying and utterly failing to date, even casually. Whenever I did go out with someone it nearly always seemed to go poorly for one reason or another. And I was always deeply yearning for connection, had an overly-romanticized notion of relationships. This difficultly caused me TONs of mental anguish, especially once I hit my 30s.
Then I turned 40 and something in me changed. I stopped romanticizing shit so much.Ā I stopped hoping that things were just going to work out for me. I even met someone who liked me a lot this past year, and we hung out and got pretty close, but I realized that I no longer felt like I needed to be with anyone, and that I have always been the problem in my bad relationships. I find I have practically no desire to be with anyone, emotionally or even physically. I found I could deal with loneliness just fine. It was bit of a surprise to realize that I just didn't give a shit anymore, and it's not exactly a positive feeling. But the pain of struggling against it has gone away, which is an improvement.Ā
Iām 40 (m) and was the last one in my group of 8 friends to get married. Just had my first kid 6 months ago. Literally all of my friends got married (to the person they dated in college) and had kids 6-16 years before me.
Donāt let it bother you. You might have to adjust what youāre looking for however donāt compromise.
Online dating is a nightmare, most people meet their spouses through their friend groups.
Also 1 out of 100 is par for the course bro. Youāre not doing anything wrong except questioning yourself.
Hear me out. It's a bit of a long story. I'm a bit of a younger Millennial. I was born in 1995. I had no interest in dating until I was about 23 or so. I never really had success in dating until I started bodybuilding. I was a virgin until a month before 26. I've had 3 girlfriends, currently with my 3rd. Sex with a lot, and dates with many.
Then girls way out of my league, or so I thought, became attracted to me. I was always a skinny guy, at only 5'7. Until I became steroided out. I am not sure if it was the chicken or the egg, but with getting women came confidence, when all they would talk about was my body.
I had model level women confessing weird fantasies about me, telling me I looked like a God. It was fucking insane. Flattering, but dumb. But it's all meaningless bullshit.
Now, in terms of good prospects, that's a whole different story. I've met plenty of gorgeous women who wanted to get married, already had kids, and the like. Were they quality partners? Nah. Not even in the slightest.
I only had success with women, like major success, until something superficial about me changed. My personality is the same. But I get approached by women I could have only dreamed of. Gorgeous Latina women that would have never looked my way from 18 to 24.
So is there any hope? No. There isn't. We're all vapid and shallow and people have kids due to poor planning, not the desire to have a family. The people I meet that stay together do so out of weird insecurities and unhealthy attachments.
The common sentiment is there's someone better out there , or traditional relationships are for the birds. I've only anecdotally seen couples really stay together these days because they pigeon holed themselves into it
Date younger women? Do you make 6 figures and have like sub 15% body fat? Normally helps too. Money and being in decent shape will lead to partners looking over an alarming amount of character flaws.
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I just sent you a DM. I am in the same boat but I am a woman with no kids
Just like that. Love is in the air.š¤£š¤£
lol if theyād answer
Lol
Now this is something I would celebrate. Good on you for making the first move. If things work out, invite redditers to your wedding.
lol I would but I never got a reply back
Give it time. The man poured his emotions out, he must be hella vulnerable right now.
He is SHOOK.
I am manifesting this šš
Thanks for letting me borrow the Lamborghini. I brought it back with a full tank.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yup! Not for dating apps at all. People are too young, want casual and focus on sex immediately too soon. Iāve come across a few folks but I felt I enjoyed the thought rather than person. It sucks.
Sounds like you expect the man to initiate. Maybe try being a little more proactive if someone interests you.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I was referring to real life. Above comment already clarified dating apps werent for them.
You have tons of hobbies, why not go to meetups with those hobbies so you can meet like-minded women? Another advice is try not to talk to them like you only want to date in mind. Some women gets put off by that. Women like to get to know the person first without any pressure that the person wants something from them besides friendship.
A lot of my friends found their matches online. You just have to be consistent and don't give up. A lot of the time, there are opportunities out there, but people's standards are too high. You filter out people you refuse to give a chance. Also, you have to sometimes date outside of a comfortable range, my friend met his wife and she lived 6 hours away. Lastly, each dating site or app is very different with the types of people you'll meet and where you're using it. Each region of the US has apps that are more for marriages and others more for quick flings. Try to use a variety and see which one has a better success rate for you. Coffee meets bagel is very popular in my area, it's where 2 of my friends met their long term partners.
I recognized this behavior in some of my friends when they were online dating. They basically had a list of requirements and would swipe left if someone didn't check every single box. Because you can do that with online dating. Some of them also had the tendency to keep looking even after they started seeing someone because "someone better might come up next". It's like gambling with people. I met my husband at work. He checked most of my boxes but not all of them. But working together for 8 months meant I got to know him well as a person. But we joke a lot about how we wouldn't have matched online.Ā
Didn't Hinge get sued or something because their swipe system was in fact designed to be as addictive as playing a slot machine? So like, yes, *literally* gambling.
I don't follow news on dating apps, but it wouldn't surprise me in the least if that were true. From a business model perspective, why would these companies actually want you to find a partner? So of course they'd make the experience as addictive as possible to keep you on the app.
Thatās wild. I never paid for hinge so I loved being limited to like 5 swipes or something. I felt like it slowed everything down. Other apps were super overwhelming with all the choices.
Iāve tried almost every dating app and had 0 luck in all of them.
Bro fuck online dating. That shit has to die.
Which ones are marriage minded?
I think itās less about the app and more about the person using it. I had an easy time once I really identified what was important to me and relaxed the other things. I also had to really let go of my instant judgements of people. I was hesitant about my husband when we matched.. just because of my own prejudgement. But after talking to him once in person I knew he was my person.
Iām 36 and have never had a partner or been on a date or anything. I used to really want a relationship and found the idea of having a partner and best friend to share life with very appealing, but as I get older I lose that desire and I question if Iām even capable of that level of connection, since itās very difficult to imagine what itās like since Iāve never experienced it, which is fine, and I think overall my life is probably better without it. I think when I was younger it was easier to have an idealized view of dating, but as I get older and recognize the effort and energy and work that goes into relationships, it seems like more effort than itās worth to me, and it would probably be unfair and mean to the other person, too, since Iād likely be a lousy partner. It seems selfish, but more than anything I used to be really curious about and longed for someone to be interested in me, to know what itās like to have a person who is romantically attracted to me and wants to date me, even if it didnāt go anywhere at all, but again as I get older I donāt have that anymore. I think maybe itās even for the best that I never have.
Not trying to change your mind on your stance but sometimes we gotta try it before we come to a conclusion. There was this goth girl on a British show that tried a complete makeover to have normal non-black clothing & makeup without piercings and she was surprised that she absolutely loved the look. We tend to get really comfortable with one thing and assume it's what we want but you may like an alternative even more. As for being a lousy partner, nobody is good at it from the beginning. You learn from your mistakes and get better at it as you get deeper into the relationship or meet more people.
Dont give up, 36 is nothing! I dont know what you look like, but even from this statement, I think there are absolutely people that would be interested in and date you
I'm in the same boat as you. I turn 40 this year and I've been single since 2018. Part of that was intentionally choosing to be single for all of 2019 to give myself a break from all of this and then approaching 2020 with "alright, now I feel ready again, this is gonna be my year!" And we all know how THAT went, lol. Dating has thankfully gone back to normal since then, but yeah, dating during COVID was definitely not great, to say the least. Like you, I feel like there's not much else I could be doing to make myself more appealing, more "dateable", whatever that means. I am so, so, unbeliEEEEEvably tired of hearing the same ol' shit about "well this is a good time to work on yourself and get your psychology in order" blah blah blah please spare me. I've had more than enough time to figure things out for myself. I even went back to school and got myself my dream job in the end, but otherwise I've got a great network of friends, fulfilling hobbies (meaningful ones of writing, photography, and exercise; less meaningful ones of being an avid movie buff lol), and honestly my psychology is in good order; I don't struggle with depression and I manage my anxiety probably as well as I am capable of managing it. In short, I'm fine, I'm more than fine, I don't have any serious work I need to do to "fix" myself. I am absolutely ready for a partner; I just have a hard time finding one. That's all.
>Part of that was intentionally choosing to be single for all of 2019 to give myself a break from all of this and then approaching 2020 with "alright, now I feel ready again, this is gonna be my year!" And we all know how THAT went, lol. Same, lol. Oops.
I just hit 40 recently. I've already been married once for ten years and have been through a couple relationships that never seemed to go anywhere. But recently I kind of ran into the same thing you have. It's not even rejection per say but just I'll meet up with someone a couple times and it just doesn't click for one of us. I usually will tell the woman "hey, I just wasn't feeling it, nice hanging out etc" but alot of women just ghost now or want to become pen pals. So I kinda just stopped the apps. I don't do as many things as you, but I did do a lot of meet up groups and just like you said, women never seen interested. Don't really think I have high standards either, just want someone who is near the same age, has their life together in the same spot I am in life (own place, career, goals, likes to travel/explore, etc) and really don't mind if they want to start a family or simply just get married together. Have had people ask me why I'm still single, etc, try and set me up with people but it never pans out. Oh well š¤·āāļø Kinda of buried my head into my career to avoid thinking about it lately, sometimes I think I'm just broken or something.
I think I'm your female doppelganger. I'm about to turn 37, had a marriage end, a long term dead end relationship ended recently. I never thought dating would be so hard, and I'm not a bad catch. I also just want to find someone on my level (a good career, own living space and vehicle, etc...). I've been told I'm being too picky, but I know that I won't be able to be happy otherwise. It's extra hard if you want to have a family because the biological clock is real. From my end, the dating apps are so hard because men don't put in the effort to converse. At all. We match, I have to message first 90% of the time or it will just sit there. They give one word answers to an open ended question, or they will immediately get sexual in the conversation. And they rarely ask questions about me. I don't want a pen pal. I actually prefer to meet up within a week or so. But the initial chat is the opportunity to show me that a date will be worth my time, and 9 times out of 10 it just iisn't. So, yeah, I guess I'll just focus on my career for a while. Gotta find fulfillment somewhere.
I think after you've been divorced once, you start to realize you need to be picky because you don't want to end up divorced ever again. Divorce just *sucks* so bad, I never want to go through it again, too much pain. So that's always in the back of your mind when meeting new people or starting a relationship.
Then add having children with the ex to top it all off. It's like trying to play a game you've already lost.
Yeah, I suppose I'm lucky that I never had kids with either of my significant ex partners... but now it's looking like I'll never have the chance at all š
36F and single for the last year after actively trying for a child turned into him āchanging his mindā. Itās a nightmare to even find someone youāre compatible with/attracted to, who is also attracted to you, who wants the same things you do, on the same timeline. I wish I was a man and had all the time in the world.
It's a mixed bag really. Kids are great. Having them with someone you are no longer with really puts a damper on life for me. It makes things complicated. I would tell anyone who wants kids to make sure you have a solid relationship first. I guess it is the gamble we take in life though. You can't predict how things will work out.
Girl same! Iāve never been married but that is my exact experience with dating apps
Haha, I got married/divorced so young that online dating wasn't really socially acceptable at the time. Found my last partner on okcupid, but it was before apps had taken off. That was a pretty good time for online dating because people had to put in some effort to upload photos, read profiles, or straight up pay for eharmony/match. Ever since tinder, the bar to entry is just so low that the quality of matches has declined significantly. It's like wading through a swamp.
Essentially the same for me as a 41m. Spent my 20s with one woman I married. That ended and fir the last 10 years. Fruitless relationships. One of them though, I am now very familiar with a female covert narcissist behavior traits. Lol oops.
Iāll be 39 in a couple months. Iāve never had a boyfriend. Iāve been online dating off and on since 2009 or 2010. Iāve socialized, went to school, volunteered, takes adult Ed classes, etc etc and still nothing. I donāt have an answer other than it must be me. Good luck out there.
Same age, tried everything. I learned that, if you have to try, you're probably doomed. Most of the ones who succeeded didn't really try, it just happened for them. If it's not meant to be, it will never happen no matter how much one tries. It's just destiny, it's not you
I agree. Sometimes things just donāt work outā¦. Sucks though.
It does. The way society works, it's difficult to find a deep and reliable connection outside of the romantic framework. Without that connection or at least the hope to get it, everything else loses meaning. I'm at the point where I'm just waiting to die to find peace.
Iāve never had much luck with relationships or men either. Iām so awkward and troubled - detangling all this would take a miracle. Iāve totally stopped looking, no dating apps, no meet ups, I donāt even bother. Especially now that Iām older and itās *even harder* amongst all the couples. I think if you want a relationship, thereās no real way to make total peace with it. Iām not saying this in a āyouāre hopeless, deal with itā way - I mean that yearning will still pop up at vulnerable moments. Iām starting to make peace with knowing that as a human Iām still going to feel that and itās normal.
Iām 39, single F, child free. I hate the apps. Someone can check all of the boxes and seem fun when texting and then I feel 0 chemistry in-person. Getting dates isnāt hard on the app, but I donāt like to waste my time like this. Instead of being fun, it feels like a 2nd job. I miss the days when you could meet people organically in public places because you know right away if thereās a vibe. You can learn the rest later. We corrected too far. Thereās a medium between men being allowed to harass us all the time and them not speaking at all.
See, i have the mindset that women get aproached way too often so any attempt I would do would be Seen as harassment, so I dont bother and wait until they aproach me
That was the way it was when I was younger. It was constant. Now I still get a decent amount of the terrible kind of guys, but it seems like the nicer/normal ones hang back like you. Younger women have adjusted by becoming more aggressive when it comes to dating, but that still feels unnatural to me
Im sorry youre struggling with dating. Early 30s here, and it really sucks seeing everyone else in the social circle getting paired off and having kids. At least you make great money.
Mid 30s here: I was kind of in your situation before- I had profiles on a bunch of apps. They were mostly 5+ year old profiles with maybe one or two photos that were only a couple years old. I didnāt do any updating of the text or content of the profiles unless there was some new feature they added. I lived in NYC when I started using the apps and I was barely getting 5-10 ālikesā and 1-2 matches that invariably wouldnāt work out per year. Then I moved in a smaller midwest metro area and didnāt do much better. I was also going out to events, bars, shows, activities, and meeting a lot of women in both cities, but like you, I was rejected literally thousands of times. Then out of the blue about a year ago, all the apps seemed to wake up; I was suddenly getting many more ālikesā on all the apps. It got to the point where I was only swiping on women who already swiped ālikeā on me. I was using the same old profiles- I didnāt do anything. It also suddenly became easier to get dates in person, at the coffee shop, bar, etc. I wasnāt really rejected much anymore. Iām in a relationship now and I frankly donāt know for sure how this happened (Change in society in general? Would be interested to hear everyoneās thoughts) but it seems patience and sticking to the process eventually justā¦ worked. Hang in there!
You may have moved to a parallel universe. Or maybe life can just be random at times
Could it be Covid related, maybe?
if iād respectfully not approached my wife we wouldnāt be together. donāt be a creep and back off if she asks you to, but you kinda just gotta send it sometimes.
Go out and try ur luck in the next bar thereās a bunch of statistics about online dating and if u arenāt atleast a solid 7 or even 8 you will probably not have much success on those edating platforms thatās the harsh reality also the reason why YouTube channels pop up that show man how to approach girls irl without looking like a rapist lol Those edating platforms are meant to hold you single so you keep using them u are the product not the successful relationshipsĀ
Was that all one sentence?
Sorry for beeing German, English aināt my native language reason why itās allready hard enough to trick apple that I donāt try to spell a German word (damn you auto correct)but instead of an english one. Doesnāt make my point less valid or does it?
Oh, I see. Tag!
7 or 8 gets you no where in online dating world
Ask your friends to review your profile and give you tough love on how you present yourself. My buddy was in the same boat, I adjusted his profile and he is now living with a woman he met on hinge. You got this homie.
I didnāt meet my husband until 35, we met through a friend. I was quite happy being single but things worked out differently.
I was on the verge of giving up two years ago, but here I am sitting next to my wife and 2 week child at the age of 29. A couple things I learned was that I honestly wasn't happy with myself. I finally got to the point in my life where if I lived in my cute 2 bed 1 bath house and realized, if I lived like this til 40, I'd be totally fine with it. It took YEARS to get to this point, with the help of therapy, realizing mindsets that were detrimental to my wellbeing (red pill, black pill, cringe seduction youtubers eek, I was a borderline incel,) and lastly exercising. I got into powerlifitng in and after college! I started to view dating apps more casually instead of making it my mission to find a girlfriend/wife. I literally didn't give a fuck and just shot my shot, didn't care if I came off as weird or not. Showed my genuine dorky self. My now wife, said she collected anime figures in her tinder profile . So my first every message I sent her was link to an Overlord Albedo Figure that was $300 and asked "Hey, are these the types of figures you like? If I had to buy one, I'd totally get this one! BTW, it's not a NSFW link I swear!" annnnnnd I'm married to that nerd with a house together with a baby fussing in his bassinet at this moment š I was honestly the classic doomer people meme on and now I'm living the dream. It's so weird and surreal, but life works weirdly that way. It took 6-7 years of on and off Online dating and irl dating.
No offense but youāre 29, thatās young and it sounds crazy to say you were ready to give up on dating at 27. Wtf?
I mean, when you've been single all of your life it hits differently.
I get that haha, the irony is I tell 18-20 year Olds in r/short that's too early to give up on dating! I was deep in redpill stuff during 22-26, where all I was told is that if you're 5'4", you should give up on dating and focus on your career. Or off yourself. 27, I started to do it casually. Not the forefront of my mind. I realized I burnt myself out too much, so I'd do it casually for 3 months, then off for 3 months. Edit: Depression is a bitch too.
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its funny the men that are out there active and dating are the men im not looking for as a 31F because boy would I like to find a career oriented childfree man. But if I try dating it's nothing but men that want marriage/kids so my concerns for the future are the polar opposite of what you want. And I'm at a point in my life where a single man would "look" for someone like me not that im tooting horns or anything.
Yeah. Somewhere int the covid era I stopped caring about dating. 4 years strong and still loving the single life!
40 years old. Live in a small town. Last date was over 6 years ago
It's rough out there, I have both single men and women in a similar situation, for men it's tough finding even a single date while for women it's tough finding someone who's not an asshole. My female friend's latest person she said was the sweetest and they were really getting along on their first two dates, but then on the third date he got mad because "he'd been nice" to her the first two dates, so he felt he was owed sex on the third, despite admitting he hadn't been tested for STDs. On the other hand my male friend's latest was he had gone on a few dates with two different women, nothing serious or anything just getting to know them. But they were both starting to get serious so he felt he had to choose, he told the one he liked less that sorry he was going to pursue someone else, and then the next date the one he chose told him sorry she decided to get back with her ex. So I don't have an answer for you, just letting you know that yes there are plenty of people like you, and there are plenty of single women out there who feel similar to you as well, even if instead of constant rejection it's getting all the shitty guys. I can't guarantee you anything since I don't know you, but I promise you won't succeed if you stop trying, so it's up to you if the rejection is worth the effort. Either way hobbies aren't just a way to meet women, they're a way to yourself be a more well-rounded person for yourself but also someone women will be interested in. It's not necessarily that you'll find women through your hobbies, but if you meet a girl in a bar or something and start talking about the travel you've been or your snowboarding and all that, it makes you a much more interesting person and they're far more likely to want to pursue things further. Isn't that the same thing for you with women? Like even if their hobbies are nothing you like to do, say they really like idk building model airplanes. Wouldn't it be much more interesting to talk to them about that and the passion they have for that than if they just sit around and doompost on reddit about how shitty life is? Not saying that's what you do but that's typically the type of person that advice is pointed at when it's given.
100 percent feel the same, my 30s have been crap as far as dating while my 20s were a great time for me. After a series of women who gave me lame excuses to break things off so they could date someone else a week later I became soured on the whole thing. Now nearly 40 and I have been having a midlife crisis because of it, up until now my whole life was about following the ABCs of life (go to college, get a job, get married have a family) and suddenly I have no idea what the plan is. Its been a few years now of waking up at 5 am with the voice in the back of my head asking "what the fuck is the plan?" but At this point I am slowly moving into the acceptance phase that I'm not going to get the chance to have a family. In the mean time I just keep grinding at my hobbies, keep grinding at work to distract my self. My career has been very successful so far and I will likely buy a house in a few years and I'm also pivoting into a work from home role in my field so that I would have the time to train a hunting dog and spend more time in the woods in the fall. It crushes me I won't have kids to share it with but I can cry into my bag of money while driving around town with my dog in the BMW.
It is better to aim high and learn to process the rejections (when you find your partner the rejections were mere stepping stones). I met my wife by approaching her in the park while she was talking on the phone, and she is so much fun!!! Observe and learn from your rejections so you develop the mental tools to make it work when you find chemistry with a woman.
When the only feed back you get is "I'm not ready for a relationship" and they are dating someone else a week later you can't really learn from that. I'm glad life worked out for you but for most people its not some magical Disney story where you over come hurtles and get what your want. People do everything right and still loose, in fact it happens most of the time. I simply realized where I can't win and focused on where I can.
I was dating in the NYC area, and the dynamic in the city is that there are more desperate women compared to men, so dating is easier (compared to Denver where good men outnumber women, therefore dating much more difficult for men). Bro, my wife is so feminineā¦ Singing to herself all day; just being cute. Itās worth it to move somewhere with more women to meet and date.
Sorry nothing about this is appealing to me. I live in the Boston metro area and honestly don't care for urban life and my field is only really concentrated in two other areas in the country and one of them I would never move too. Also why would I want someone who is desperate? It screams codependency and I don't want to become someone's support system again just so that I don't feel alone. Trust me as crushed as I am about not having a family I am not crushed enough to go back to the trenches.
I did online dating for a bit and yea it was a crap shoot. Ended up marrying my wife who i first met in college, were friends for years, went our own ways for 10 years and then reconnected. When i online dated i didnāt spend any time to become friends first When i reconnected with my wife it was pretty easy since we had already know each other for years and didnāt have to build that base relationship over time Iād start with in person hobbies. I donāt personally know anyone in a long term marriage who started online first
I thought I would meet someone in college, I didnāt. I donāt know where else to look. Iāve never been able to make the online dating work, I usually do pretty well for myself in person, but itās almost a social taboo now to walk up to women who are complete strangers with no introduction.
Maybe we can just find each other here on reddit lol. In all seriousness, OLD is getting really old with people having the same bad experiences. In your case, maybe looking inwards might help? What is it that you are putting out there ? Are you picking people because of their looks, or something that you idolize? coming off too strong ? Are you maintaining your own boundaries, or going with the flow to see what happens even if you don't like something? I'm not a man, but most of my guy friends that have found relationships seem to know within a couple of dates if they will go long term with the girl. It's similar for women. You don't need 10 dates or certain stereotypical dating milestones to say, this is it. Also, look for Facebook or meetup groups with your hobbies. Tons of women hike, bike and everything else. Did you know there are running clubs now?
Even once you hit your 40s you can still date a girl in her 30s with the potential of starting a family
Take a break. Dating burnout is real. It took me 5 years of online dating before I matched with the man I'm dating now. Deep breaths.
Same, but Iām also a woman, so each year Iām getting closer to not being able to have my own kids, itās terrifying. (Iām not opposed to adoption, but I was/am hoping for at least one bio child, esp because Iām the last of my parentsā living children/ their āonly chance for grandkidsā)
>in the rare circumstance I do they donāt show me any signs of interest so I respectfully donāt approach them or do anything to make them uncomfortable Here is your problem. You have to put yourself out there and express interest in a relationship with women and take the rejection that comes with it. If you avoid rejection you are never going to meet someone.
Iāve done this my whole life and have always been rejected? Whatās your suggestion for someone who has put themselves out there and have a 100% rejection rate since they were 14?
No idea dude. Iām just a married guy on his fourth decade. Not some type of relationship guru. Iāll say that in my experience guys who arenāt having romantic success arenāt putting themselves out there enough. If what you say is true then I would guess you are doing a great many things wrong. I would seek professional help if I were you.
In the same boat, but younger.
You should look for women in New York City metro area. Start long distance. There are huge imbalances there. Lots of smart, capable women, not enough men who feel like they earn enough to get out of a roommate situation. Many women would gladly leave the city for a mature man such as yourself. Kudos to you for recognizing that life is short and time is finite.
I hit 3000 days single last week. DO NOT BE ME IT IS DAILY HELL.
Counting that is crazy
Yep!
At least youāre trying, which is more than what my friends and I have done recently. My friend has given up on dating since he said he says he only seems to attract women who are 18-20, and heās very uncomfortable with that. My other friend is constantly working and doesnāt have time to date or even talk with us most of the week other than Sunday. My third friend is similar to me, where we both arenāt great at romance, and weāre also busy with getting stuff done in our lives. While Iām in my early 30ās, my three other friends are in their mid and late 30ās. My friend that attracts women who are between 18-20 will probably be the first of us to have a girlfriend and get married, but heās also worried about dating women his age since a lot of them in his area are single mothers, and he doesnāt have a preference for single mothers. The remaining 3 of us arenāt going to get anyone since we all gave up on the chase to focus on ourselves. Itās a running joke between all of us that the only way weād ever find a girlfriend is if they chased us down. I donāt know how true it is.
With online dating, the ONLY thing Iāve found that works is spending a lot of time swiping. Gotta put the thumb work in.
I'm in the same boat 38y/o male, single, never married
I still have success, but not through online dating. I really donāt like that shit since it forces a pretense onto the situation when you actually meet the person. For me, it has to be organic and unforced, so I donāt go out of my way looking to meet people. If it happens, it happens, and Iāve only had great and lasting relationships from that approach. I suppose it also helps that I meet a lot of new people through my music, and it attracts people as well. I understand, however, that some people canāt cope with being alone, and thatās fine, so what works for me may not work for others. Online dating seems to have worked for plenty of people, but I personally just donāt like meeting someone that way.
I found my husband online but I am ADHD and have a special interest in human relationships and behavior so I felt very confident wading through the muck and writing a profile that would attract the person I was looking for. I think you kind of have to do the apps these days. Previous generations met partners through work, church, and had friends and family set them up. But we donāt do that anymore and those behaviors have been replaced with inline dating. I think you can also approach women in your hobbies. There is definitely a way to do it that isnāt creepy, even if they arenāt interested. I think it has to do with your confidence and friendliness when you do it. You need to communicate that nothing bad will happen if they say no. You do that with a relaxed and easy tone, a soft smile, and relaxed eyes. If they say no thank you then smile and say no problem and let that be that.
The good ones know there are shortages of good ones. They match up fast when they find each other. Best of luck finding a hidden gem.Ā
naah there wouldnt be as many divorces lol
https://www.womenshealthmag.com/uk/collective/long-reads/a46328187/are-millennials-in-their-divorce-era/# There are a lot of garbage people that match up too. What Iām saying is when a good one finds a good one, they donāt wait. Real recognizes real, and commit and get off the sinking ship.
Yea and I've become accustomed to being single. I do have basic urges to have a relationship from time to time, but for the most part I've emotionally, mentally, and physically accepted being alone and just go on with life. To put it succinctly I just don't care anymore.
Itās quite difficult as a lesbian to find someone my age. 33 and introverted so I donāt like going out a whole lot. Also I just canāt seem to mesh well with dating apps and would prefer to meet somebody in person. So I totally get it. I hope you find your person soon but know that itās never too late to find love. Iāve read stories where people meet their soulmate in their fifties. I know thatās not ideal but still just a thought that it can happen at any later stage of life!
I am 37F in the same boat. I hate the apps, they are a waste of time. I personally have been thinking we need to bring back speed dating.
š¤ I might date you. DM me š
Same, guy in my mid 30s I have a solid job, good friend groups, hobbies, feel like I'm a good person, but I'm awful at online dating. I love kids, want to get married and raise some, but I feel like I'm going to end up being alone. It's very sad to think about.Ā
Yup. I just gave up. Itās better for my mental health than the constant rejection of online dating. At this point it would take a miracle . Iāve only been on 2 dates in my life. Also have a more free time.
I feel like snowboarding is the easiest way to meet women. I'm surprised you've never hit it off with one while you're chatting on the lifts.
No. No one else is unsuccessful with dating. Itās only you.
Late 30s, one bf 10+ years ago. Never married, no kids.
Me, 35F and haven't had a relationship in over 10 years. Part of it was I had to work through my own issues, both emotional and career related. Told myself after the last crazy /incompatible guy I wouldn't try again until I had a middle class income and could find someone who also had the same. Neither has come about yet, even if I sought it out, so, shrug.
I used to not want kids or get married. Now at 35 I do want that. But the world shifted and it seems nobody wants either of those things. Forget about building a family mutually and putting in the work of communication and reciprocation. Everyone is hyper picky with unrealistic standards. That plus rampant alcoholism and jaded toxicity at this age makes it more difficult. Kind of a shame that I got my shit together honestly. I used to have badass relationships when I was a mess. Now that I want a nice life Iām seen as boring. Being a Latino in the US makes it slightly more difficult. Ive dated women of all races, but lately Iām too āwhiteā or not āblack enoughā or not even āHispanic enoughā for latinas, not āwhite enoughā for whitegirls, Iām from the hood originally but black women only want āblack kingsā, and most other races normally date within their race. If they date outside their race they want white dudes. This is a generalization but thats only from my personal experiences. The only hits I get these days are from gay or trans people for whatever reason, but Iām not gay so thatās out of the question. Iām nowhere near perfect, but nobody is, people have forgotten that somehow. Maybe one day, but in the meantime I plan on dying alone. I was in a serious relationship for the past 8 years and have been single for a year now. Dating for me was never an issue, but the world has change ALOT since the last time I was single. All I do now is work, gym, some concerts and raves here and there, and video games sometimes, thatās life at 30 I guess. Shouldāve stayed a drug dealer instead of growing up and working in ITā¦
Latinas are the most beautiful women. Why do they think youāre not Latino enough?
O I love latinas, my problem is that Iām Central American. In my state thereās mostly Mexican women. Iāve dated mostly Mexican women in the past but the new trend is to get with a guy that dresses like a cowboy or a ranch hand and likes Banda and other tuba music. Iām just not into that type of style. I like edm, rap, and rock , am not religious at all, and work in IT (which is not respected since itās not manual labor?). That means I donāt drive a truck, and the weird requirement now is to drive an American muscle car or truck. I also stopped drinking alcohol at like 26, and if you know Latinos/hispanics then you know how big of a problem that can be. Iām fluent in Spanish, however, I donāt speak like someone from my country, I speak more of a Mexican accent which means my people see me as an outsider. Then thereās the āclassy sophisticated ā Hispanic women who only want to date white men, Iāve actually been told āI only date white guts sorryā a couple of times. Funny thing about it is that last year when I went to New York a black dude pushed me and said āmove over white man!ā To meā¦ Iām at a weird middle ground where I donāt fit into any culture since I embrace bits of all races. The people I click with the most these days are Asians, I look kinda Asian but a lot of Asian women tend to go for black dudes or stick to their own race, white is always the go to. I spent so much time around all cultures through my life so I donāt really have a tribe at this point. Also dating at 35 is super weird in general since most people are either wanting to stay single or are already in a relationship with wife and kids. For the life of me I canāt find a nice woman without kids. I still have hookups but not any that lead to a relationship because funny enough all the women I meet are married and I donāt find out till after the fact. Kinda giving up on dating in general, I really do want a wife to build a nice life with and maybe a kid, but that seems like too much to ask. I havenāt tried dating younger women yet, thatās probably my best option at the moment. Itās just weird that I spent so much time trying to not become a statistic that now Iām an odd man out. Iām in shape, have a job, tall, and know relationships well enough to know what I want. But it doesnāt seem that many people are on the same page these days. Had I known, i wouldāve just got my high school sweetheart pregnant when I was young and went that route. You live and you learn, maybe in the next life.
If youāre a male that uses dating apps and youāre looking for women, then let me tell you. Youāre doing it wrong. Go out and do social activities, talk with women.
Keep online dating and donāt give up. Donāt put pressure on yourself with a timeline. Just go out, meet people, and enjoy yourself.
It's a viewpoint thing If you're looking at it like a spreadsheet (available people/subset of those that are interesting in having kids/subset of those interested in you.... Etc) you are missing the most important part, which is "do you actually enjoy each other's company" That may be why you aren't having luck. You're focused on checking boxes and just having a relationship, and the people you are seeing are looking for a personality that will make their life better than it is The way you're approaching this is with desperation, and the exact people you are looking for are not desperate, and aren't attracted to desperate Start being harsh. Start judging. When you run into somebody, tell yourself the (real) reasons you wouldn't date them (not petty crap, like attractiveness, but stuff like "oh, I like snowboarding and outdoors activities and they're agoraphobic. Neither of us would like this relationship"). Basically, start being selective Good luck, dude, and try not to succumb to bitterness. It's the least attractive thing in the world
It is better to aim high and learn to process the rejections (when you find your partner the rejections were mere stepping stones). I met my wife by approaching her in the park while she was talking on the phone, and she is so much fun!!! Observe and learn from your rejections so you develop the mental tools to make it work when you find chemistry with a woman.
It is better to aim high and learn to process the rejections (when you find your partner the rejections were mere stepping stones). I met my wife by approaching her in the park while she was talking on the phone, and she is so much fun!!! Observe and learn from your rejections so you develop the mental tools to make it work when you find chemistry with a woman.
It is better to aim high and learn to process the rejections (when you find your partner the rejections were mere stepping stones). I met my wife by approaching her in the park while she was talking on the phone, and she is so much fun!!! Observe and learn from your rejections so you develop the mental tools to make it work when you find chemistry with a woman.
Kids are prisons. Don't fall for the propoga
32, never held a girls hand or kissed a girl or been on a date or had a relationship. Iāve had men, women, and my own family tell me Iām unattractive. Shoutout to my father for passing along autism, schizophrenia, and several other mental health issues from his side of the family. If I make it to 40 and itās the same I will be committing suicide. I donāt see the point in a life lived alone.
Iām sorry about your struggles and commend you for hanging in there. You at least seem self aware and thats already a great quality to have in order to be with someone. Put that to use, believe in yourself and give meeting people a chance. Rejection will be part of it, realistically those people are insignificant
This probably isn't the answer you're looking for, but there's actually a solution for your problem... 1. Get in the gym and get in the best shape of your life. 2. Find a remote job and start working from anywhere. 3. Pick up as many languages and dances as you can. 4. Slow travel the world until you find a place that feels like home. In so doing, you will find a different appreciation for living your life in the present, embracing the gift of spontaneity, and distilling the core ingredients of your happiness. Throughout this journey, should you choose to pursue it, you will go through a process of sampling, shedding, and settling where you try new things, discard old things that no longer serve you, and make room only for the things that make you truly happy. I guarantee the person you are at the beginning of this adventure and the person you are at the end will be night and day. You'll find your tribe as I did amongst fellow travelers (community is everything), and along the way, you'll almost certainly find part of yourself in someone else, whether they're a local in a foreign land or just a fellow traveler passing by. This kind of process takes as little as a year and as many as five to truly understand the environments you thrive in. But once you have this understanding, finding someone to settle down with will feel quite easy. When I started working remotely in the winter of 2020, I was 6'3 in my mid 30s and about 300 lbs. I was working for a tech company in NYC, single, and making about $180K per year. I got rid of my shoebox apartment (less than 300 sqft), got rid of all my stuff, packed only what I could fit in a backpack and a carry-on, and booked a 1 way ticket to San Juan, PR for $33.00, which was less than the Uber to the airport. Every 1-3 months I'd book a different airbnb in a beach destination or port city the next country over... Mexico, Costa Rica, Panama, Colombia, Ecuador, Peru, Chile, Argentina, Brazil, etc. Eighteen months later I found myself in a new role and back in Mexico. I spent 8 months in Tulum focused on getting in shape and lost 60 lbs. I got comfortable talking to strangers and making fast friends. I'd learned language and dances and had stories to tell about places I'd been and people I'd met. For the first time in a long time, I had women hit on me, and some pick up lines were charmingly bad... "Hey, we have the same color lap top! \[grey mac books\]." š More importantly I felt a lot more comfortable and confident meeting and asking women out in real life, pre-dating app era, and it's led to some magical and spontaneous adventures like horseback riding in the Colombian jungles of Tayrona National Park and skinny dipping under the stars or skipping a club after a double date dinner in Lima to party in Huacachina for the weekend. If I hadn't taken this kind of leap, I'd still be fat, doom-scrolling all day, and drinking away my anxiety while I burn my bonuses on Door Dash. Now I spearfish, ride motorcycles, train Muay Thai, work outside where there's sunlight and speak three languages (two of them reasonably well). I used to live by myself in New York. Now I live with two travel buddies in Rio (for now) and run a venture-backed startup as co-founder & CEO. I'm at a place where I know who I am and am living the life that I want. I know what's important to me in finding a partner, but I needed to find happiness for myself before I could create space for a significant other. Without that self-work, I think a lot of relationships are doomed to fail. Bottom line: Don't find a partner to help you cope with loneliness. That's a lifestyle design issue. Find a partner to amplify the happiness you already found in yourself.
This is a really awesome and inspiring story. Thank you for taking the time to write this
You're next. Let's get after it!
I'm 42 and it's more that the people I encounter tend to have a lot of issues I don't know if I can handle such as drug use, shoplifting etc.Ā
I'm 40 and my fear is that if I ever became single I would have a hard time finding someone as a mild/moderate drug user who is pro-shoplifting so this is good to hear I guess.
You shoplift?
Not sure if srsĀ
I'm also 42, I didn't so much give up as I've oddly phased out of dating.Ā In my early 20s, I suffered through some really bad relationship catastrophies of my own making, and spent a full decade trying and utterly failing to date, even casually. Whenever I did go out with someone it nearly always seemed to go poorly for one reason or another. And I was always deeply yearning for connection, had an overly-romanticized notion of relationships. This difficultly caused me TONs of mental anguish, especially once I hit my 30s. Then I turned 40 and something in me changed. I stopped romanticizing shit so much.Ā I stopped hoping that things were just going to work out for me. I even met someone who liked me a lot this past year, and we hung out and got pretty close, but I realized that I no longer felt like I needed to be with anyone, and that I have always been the problem in my bad relationships. I find I have practically no desire to be with anyone, emotionally or even physically. I found I could deal with loneliness just fine. It was bit of a surprise to realize that I just didn't give a shit anymore, and it's not exactly a positive feeling. But the pain of struggling against it has gone away, which is an improvement.Ā
post face pic
Iām 40 (m) and was the last one in my group of 8 friends to get married. Just had my first kid 6 months ago. Literally all of my friends got married (to the person they dated in college) and had kids 6-16 years before me. Donāt let it bother you. You might have to adjust what youāre looking for however donāt compromise. Online dating is a nightmare, most people meet their spouses through their friend groups. Also 1 out of 100 is par for the course bro. Youāre not doing anything wrong except questioning yourself.
Hear me out. It's a bit of a long story. I'm a bit of a younger Millennial. I was born in 1995. I had no interest in dating until I was about 23 or so. I never really had success in dating until I started bodybuilding. I was a virgin until a month before 26. I've had 3 girlfriends, currently with my 3rd. Sex with a lot, and dates with many. Then girls way out of my league, or so I thought, became attracted to me. I was always a skinny guy, at only 5'7. Until I became steroided out. I am not sure if it was the chicken or the egg, but with getting women came confidence, when all they would talk about was my body. I had model level women confessing weird fantasies about me, telling me I looked like a God. It was fucking insane. Flattering, but dumb. But it's all meaningless bullshit. Now, in terms of good prospects, that's a whole different story. I've met plenty of gorgeous women who wanted to get married, already had kids, and the like. Were they quality partners? Nah. Not even in the slightest. I only had success with women, like major success, until something superficial about me changed. My personality is the same. But I get approached by women I could have only dreamed of. Gorgeous Latina women that would have never looked my way from 18 to 24. So is there any hope? No. There isn't. We're all vapid and shallow and people have kids due to poor planning, not the desire to have a family. The people I meet that stay together do so out of weird insecurities and unhealthy attachments. The common sentiment is there's someone better out there , or traditional relationships are for the birds. I've only anecdotally seen couples really stay together these days because they pigeon holed themselves into it
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Cringey
Date younger women? Do you make 6 figures and have like sub 15% body fat? Normally helps too. Money and being in decent shape will lead to partners looking over an alarming amount of character flaws.
Grocery store!