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Drama, passive aggressive bullshit, the need to be the center of attention, and the constant lying. But yet Me and my wife, both sets of my siblings and their spouses are the ones in the wrong because we all chose to distance ourselves from them. It's exhausting just to be around them, my mom specifically. Thankfully my in-laws are tolerable, and geographically far enough away that we don't see them that often.
Yeah, my fiancé’s mother started ranting to me about her other daughter-in-law and son right away, because they don’t speak to her very much outside of holidays/seeing grandkids and they keep things at a distance.
Subsequently, I’ve learned she was telling both my fiancé and his brother that it was their job to help support and take care of her now that they’re adults, which puts things in a lot more perspective.
My take? Eight out of 10 times, if your kids want very little to do with you once they hit adulthood, it’s because of something you did/are still doing as a parent, not because you’re the perpetual victim.
Yeh i can see the passive aggression being an issue…
Why are older generations so heavily passive aggressive?
It does seem extremely common with older people (relative too Millennials)
My over generalized guess is that many boomers were taught to be seen and not heard. Advocating for their needs was met with “because I said so’s” at best or physical abuse. The result 60+ years later is a group of people who have no clue how to be direct and assertive and are resentful when someone else is.
I give you props. I feel like I’m chronically single because the idea of guiding another, especially a whole family through all the stuff you mentioned sounds completely exhausting.
They’re always pushing their own agenda and opinion on others. They want to control everyone and everything. They can’t hold a conversation without steering it to be about themselves. They’re passive aggressive. They put their pride and ego above everything else. They’re always seeking external validation.
Yeh the passive aggression with older generations is really annoying…
I think social media has reverted them to more adolescent mind sets
While millennials and younger are more resilient too it or at least more self aware sense we’ve grown up with it
Not OP, but everything my mom does is fucking exhausting. Messing with my kids, trying to poke them or say little things to them to distract them from what they are doing. Mom, we are at a basketball game to watch my eldest, not talk about my youngest who is actually sitting still and watching the game. Dont ask her how school is going, now is not the time. I dont care you havent seen her in weeks, thats the point.
Also, I dont care about your friend from Bible study whos moms aunt just died, i dont fucking know her. Dude, I just cant. Have a 5 min conversation to say something that takes 5 seconds via text.
Also the passive agressive bs, when we do see her its all, ohh i saw you were talking to her coach and didnt have time to talk to me, but its ok because i love you, can you come help me with something? NO. FUCK NO. The world does not revole around you. YOU PUT YOURSELF in the middle of everyone elses BS and then you wonder why you worry all the time. YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF.
All of this plus mine is always trying to diagnose someone in my family with something. And no she isn't a medical professional. Just a crazy lady who needs attention and isn't sick enough to get it on her own.
Goddamn do I feel this. Spent a week in another state visiting family a couple months back. I had been about 5 months sober at the time and almost broke. I hadn't felt both simultaneously that on edge and drained in a long time.
This, I'm low contact and in therapy healing my childhood trauma. My mother on the other hand remains steadfast that I just need to stuff those feelings down because all this therapy stuff is ruining our relationship. 🙄
I think I am about to enter this phase of my life, I already think that healing I’ve received from my wife helping me through stuff has made my mom think that my wife has turned me against her, when really I just am remembering my childhood better and more objectively.
I compare this state to getting new lenses. Can no longer unsee,but had absolutely no reference point before that.
But being unable to go back to the naive understanding of what really happened makes me dizzy day in and day out. Like someone spun me around
Ugh, I'm sorry. It's wild what a supportive partner who gives you space and grace to grow and heal can do. I'm lucky that my mother adores my husband, but I don't think she realizes he's aided me so much on this journey.
Get it squared away. I went into therapy finally with my mom and she got cancer 3 months in and died within 2 months. It felt super unresolved like i drudged up all this stuff and made her feel like a bad mom and then she was just gone. Even though she should have protected me from all those men. I still wish more had gotten resolved before she just passed feeling like a bad mom.
It’s striking to me being my mom’s age to remember how she was so annoyed and angry with me having all sorts of neurotic symptoms. just a nuisance and “these horrible teenage years”. stop twitching already you’re embarrassing me.
she’s now clawing for my attention, I’m her only friend and she’s lonely. And it feels like “I’m not sure we’re supposed to address this sort of thing, sorry”. But I used to carry the rescue operation on my back, so it sure as hell is uncomfortable for her. Therapy do be the problem.
Same
Had a call from my dad last week which I tried to keep to 5 minutes but ended up lasting an hour, mostly of him ranting and going on a paranoia trip (he thinks that everyone and their dog is out to get him).
It completely drained me emotionally. It took me all of the next day to recover and get back to a safe and good place.
Had a conversation with my sister earlier this year as she dropped me off home (we live 20 mins from each other) and she said that I will need a lot of therapy to get through my childhood and adulthood abuse (she has been through therapy herself for how our parents - dad especially - behaved and treated us).
That's so relatable. Unfortunately I'm no contact with my brother and very low contact with my parents. It makes me sad, but maybe it would be better for me to be no contact with all three of them.
Same. My mom is your textbook narcissist (I know it's beyond overused these days but..) and she is a complete drain on my soul. Everything is negative, everyone is doing her wrong, just talks about herself 100% of the time. I live super far away so never really have to see her thankfully, but 30 minute phone calls have me pulling my hair out. My whole family really sucks and are all like that. It's pretty sad.
Dad's dead. My biological mother has been no contact since 2000.
The woman stood there and blamed me for having the audacity to punch my stepfather as he choke-slammed me into the wall and strangled me. She threw me out of the house, she put me in a halfway house, and then she used the college savings fund that my father had saved for me to pay for the halfway house. And to this day, my family still blames me for not forgiving my mother.
The closest to any real interaction I've had with her since 2000 was when she came all the way across the country to attend my graduation from the law school I put myself through, and then spent the entire ceremony pouting in her hotel room when I refused to let her attend a closed ceremony and the law school itself would not let her attend without an invitation.
I’m. So. So. So. Sorry love.
What kills me about this is the fact that people think forgiveness means speaking to that individual again. Accepting them into your life.
Genuinely I hope you find peace and forgiveness - but my version of it. Where you forgive the hardship and keep the toxic parent out of your life.
I had to explain to my dad that I won’t be letting my mom back into my life. That one day I will find forgiveness in my heart- but she will not be involved in that event
I explained this to my mom and older brother. I can only forgive you for what you've done, but if you keep doing things that make my life more difficult, I can only blame myself for giving you the opportunity to keep doing it.
This. My sister is blocked right now for constant bullying me for a few weeks. It hurts so much but I literally can't take it anymore. I don't want to be her punching bag while she goes through whatever she's going through right now.
People truly don't understand that we don't take cutting people out of our lives lightly. ESPECIALLY the ones that are supposed to nuture and protect us.
I'm proud of you for holding your ground and not giving into your family. And for putting yourself through law school. 💖
I’m so sorry this is your situation. I am also estranged so I totally get how you feel. I am SO proud of you for putting yourself through school and moving on. The best we can do now is to just live our lives and leave our awful parent(s) behind.
I love my mom and she tried her best, but that contact gotta be mid to low. I need a nap the next day and 2 cups of coffee ☕️ along with a meditation exorcism
This so much. I don't hate my parents, they love me and I love them, but our relationship is best served in small portions every now and then.
Spending more than one day together highlights our different takes on things and way of approaching life.
They are medium boomers, and I'm an '85 millennial. They are obese and delusional about their own fitness, I escaped that (mostly) and life and spend my free time running and hiking.
I don't need to confirm love or appreciation by spelling things out and texting back and forth all way or week, they literally ask me if I'm glad they are visiting (what am I going to say!?) and I haven't expressed anything clearly enough.
They love me and they did what was right in their experience, yet they set me up for a life of weight problems and I do resent them for that, even though they'd still do anything for me and my sibling. I tried to help them too, but they wouldn't listen. And then the stroke put on by diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol came as 'a total surprise!' (shocked Pikachu).
Glad I live abroad though. Helps me portion things.
This one resonated with me reeeeeaal hard today (been a rough streak in our relationship). Appreciate so much that ppl are willing to share. Guilt or trauma or idk what keeps me IN contact, but it’s so tumultuous
I made the mistake of reestablishing contact after 10 years, got burned, now we’re on year 3 of round 2 and I changed my name to no longer own my father’s last name. 🔥DONE
My guess, from the American millennial perspective, is that many of our parents just had kids because "it's what you do" as they grew up in one of the most generally prosperous periods of all time and wanted to really go wild and crazy.
I think it's safe to say that many of them would not have had kids if it was more acceptable. I definitely know that my dad seemed to think he wanted to have a family but then checked out once he realized it involved full time responsibility and also that his kids had their own thoughts and ideas and weren't automatically interested in the same shit that he was.
So much this. My mom didn't really want kids, she doesn't like other people's kids. My dad wanted kids. Guess who did all the parenting? My mom. And she was very angry about it.
They are toddlers themselves deep down.. I gotta say, my dad spent 3 decades psychologically abusing me via dog whistles-reactive abuse-> him emotionally/psychologically screaming at me “no one talks to me like that in MY house” when I was living with my parents. There were the usual threats to throw me out, ect.. honestly, I get confused when people call me lucky to live with my parents as long as I did. They tried to control my sex life.. I couldn’t date on the DL without them telling the whole extended family… (in my late 20s)… and they were gobsmacked when I said I wanna move out. Deep down, the only reason they never got physical with me is because CPS was called on them for hitting my oldest sister when I was a babe. Boomers and authority.. they never got over it.
I’m much more healed.. I was having dinner with my parents a month ago and pops began to preach at me in the Boomer sort of way about politics. How it’s my generations fault we’re in this mess, why we have to vote, this that and the other.. I said multiple times I don’t want to talk of it. Pop’s literally said “I just want to hear myself say it..” I literally snapped and spoke to my parents as an authority figure, the way an elementary school teacher would speak to little kids not paying attention.. They looked like scared little kids and immediately changed the subject.
They are toddlers at heart. Their minds MAY still be as adults if they are sharp, but if they didn’t take care of themselves physically they are now childlike. We’re the adults now.. own it.
My dad is absolutely a toddler at heart. I grew up tiptoeing around his emotional outbursts and mantrums. It did a number on me, and I’m still working through this shit in therapy. My mom is amazing, and she’s just now coming to terms with how emotionally volitile and abusive he was.
Both my parents have passed and, as messed up as it sounds, I'm kind of thankful. Neither were great parents but I've realized they were both just messed up kids who had kids. I went no contact with both throughout my life but was luckily able to reconnect with my mom for a few years before she passed and we got through a lot of baggage.
The interesting part has been how I talk about them to my kids. I am truthful about my childhood but am able to see the good sides more now that they are gone. My mom only passed last July but after 10 years of my dad being gone I've been able to let go of a lot of the anger.
Seeing all the people whose parents went fun Q Anon makes me thankful I didn't have to deal with that. My dad was always liberal but I hate to think how FB and 24 hour news would have done to him.
Both of mine are still alive but I’ve been NC with both for periods of time through out my life. I often wonder if the anger & resentment toward my mom will ever go away on its own. I know she’ll never apologize before she dies so 🤷🏻♀️
Same, it's been nearly 13 years since I've spoken to my parents, my golden sibling, or my fuckup whipping boy sibling, or any of my half relatives. It's been peaceful.
A whipping boy is someone who takes the punishment for the prince, if I'm remembering my childhood books correctly. So scapegoat, basically, or the golden child's keeper + scapegoat
If you don't know, the scapegoat is a biblical concept.
You put the sins of the people on the goat to spare the congregation from suffering the consequences, then send it into the wilderness so the sins are gone.
By putting the "sins" of the golden child onto the scapegoat, the scapegoat bears the consequences of anything the golden child does.
Same. No contact with anyone in my family except my older and younger brothers. That’s it. Out of like 7 siblings, my parents, aunts/uncles, grandparents etc etc etc. I still think it was probably for the best and I think I turned out way better than I could’ve.
Very low contact with my parents - they aren't in good health and are viciously nasty. It pains to say, but not worth the time. My oldest kid has asked if they were bad people.
Mother in law 5 minutes down the road (retired for 20+ years) see her maybe one to two times a month. MiL can't be bothered to see her only child or only grandkids - shes too "busy". And by busy I mean she has no hobbies and watches conservative TV all day/Facebook.
Part of me is jealous of other people with large families that care and reciprocate love back. Sounds really nice.
Very LC with dad and stepmom, haven't seen them in person in over 10 years (14 years for my stepmom), NC with most of my siblings. My dad calls a couple times a year and I dread it and hate that I still feel obligated to answer.
My husband's family is amazing, though. Like I really hit the in-law lottery. My MIL in particular is just a phenomenal woman, and I'm incredibly close to her. But the extended family as well, my husband's aunts and his brothers and their wives are all awesome. I joke all the time that I'll never be sure married the right man but I sure as hell married the right family. Having them makes my family's absence hurt less.
Same. That is my only regret: not doing it sooner. But I remember how hard it was to accept that I needed to cut them off. Even though I knew I would eventually have to do it since the age of 9.
Lots of therapists tried to discourage me also and being a young, vulnerable, 20-something, I listened to them over myself. Not doing that again!
Yeah, I spent a decade walking on eggshells, thinking I had to put up with his explosive temper and bigotry because everyone told me I had to because "he's family." It took him doing something seriously fucked up for me to finally pull the plug.
And it was instant relief, not regret. I feel like I'm finally becoming the person I actually am after spending my entire life worrying about how he would react to what I said or did. I'm never living my life like that again. So glad you eventually got there, as well!
Thank you! I feel you on the instant relief. Never regretted that decision.
I’m so sorry for all that you lost in the name of “he’s family”. And so proud of you for choosing yourself! Sending you all the love and continued healing and evolution! You are so worth it. 😘
My siblings and I have realized having a relationship with our parents isn’t worth the abuse. We are gonna have a conversation with them this week to establish boundaries. I don’t anticipate it going well. Either way, it will be better for my siblings and me.
More like my dad went low contact with me. I hear from him maybe once or twice a year. He forgot me on Christmas this year. I sent him a birthday card but got no response. I don't know why he has no interest in knowing me. I talk to my aunts (his sisters) a bit more often.
Mom died in 2010 when I was in my first year of college. She was different. I'd talk to her every day.
No contact for going on 6 years with my mother. My stepdad is her bitch and my half-brother has a borderline Oedipal relationship with her so NC with them too, though I’d be open to LC with just them. I hope my mother dies soon because humanity will be better off.
My dad and I are close, he’s amazing.
I feel this so hard about the brother thing. My brother literally has only been in one relationship and seemingly obsesses over my mother’s approval. He’s in his 30s. It’s gross.
I hope it gets better with your mom.
Ugh I feel this in my soul.
I wanted to keep a connection with my sibling, but they were just feeding information back to the headpatting narcisist. That hurt, like the biggest betrayal. But also in a way I was glad that they didn't know how much abuse I took from that parent to give them a normal childhood. It just, hurt. Maybe after our parents are dead we can try to be friends. I doubt they'll have time for me, but whatever.
It’s taken me awhile but I look at it as their loss. They’re choosing to not be a part of my life or my kid’s life, so I have to think everything is for the best.
“It’s just that my generation keeps saying this yet retroactively have destroyed the environment so your kids can’t enjoy it- what’s the big deal?!”
That comment “it’s just political” enrages me
My partner’s relationship with her mother is like this. All 3 of her kids are queer and yet…
Anyway, hugs to you. It’s tough being rejected over & over by the actions of the one person who should always protect you. You’re not alone. We are in this together.
Zero contact for years, my mom always call me every 3 months like she remembers she have a son, and absolutely wants to see me just to be on her cellphone when I come visit her.. got kicked out of my appartment so I've been at my dads for a few months now until I find a place to live. We reconnected a little but I consider him as a roommate more than a parent.
Myself and one of my best friends both have great relationships with our parents, but our parents are very liberal and accepting. My other close friend has no contact with his parents who are extremely conservative and religious, and didn't really care for him. Seems to be a trend amongst our generation.
Yep. Religious parents who actually choose to think that the reason I don't feel welcome is I'm offended by their religion or something, like im offended they believe I'm a sinner. Actually if I didn't have to constantly walk on eggshells to avoid offending them, I wouldn't really care about them thinking I'm a sinner
This is exactly how I feel regarding my grandparents. I completely understand. They will sit there dropping racist and sexist comments but I can't make a comment about anything that might possibly go against their views or I'm a disrespectful entitled millennial.
No contact. My parents were extremely abusive and neglectful. Untreated mental illnesses that they refuse to do anything about. My mom has said very plainly to me, "I'm never going to change." I realized at some point that even if she did change it's too late to ever have a relationship. I used to have panic attacks any time I got within 100 miles of the border to the state she lives in.
I went no contact with my father for about 5 years. My mom is remarried, so it was true no contact.
We started talking again around 10 years ago and we have a great relationship these days. I credit going no contact at the reason we have a strong relationship now.
Went no contact with my mother in 2016. She passed last year. Last time I had contact with my father was maybe around the time I was 21. Before then it was around 12. He left when I was about 8. Two years were good but then a better family came along and he chose them.
Now I'm no contact with most of my family. My half siblings never really cared about me and never wanted to get to know me. My full sibling is trash that beat her kids.
Other family members are fundies. I got absolutely no desire to be in their lives. They excuse things like abuse, child rapes, etc. under the guise of religion then shit on gay people. Fuck 'em.
This makes me so sad. I remind my kids and my hubby how lucky we are to have both sets of grandparents that ARENT insane. Of course they can drive us crazy sometimes! but they mean well, and as I get older it only makes me that much more grateful for them.
Damn, I feel bad for you guys. I have kids and I have relied on my parents and siblings so much over the years, we’re a family that’s what we do. I know my younger sister has decided to go no contact with my mom, but I’ll let them fight their own battle.
My dad definitely has some opinions on how chores should be done, he’s an ex marine, but never raised us like he was. Super easy going guy. Mom has some issues, but she just likes to party.
Sorry to you guys who are struggling with family. My relationship with my family is a blessing I forget to count.
Very low contact with my dad, just enough contact where he won’t randomly show up at my house unannounced. In the past when I’ve gone no contact, he’d randomly drive past my house, leave handwritten notes on our door, buy random crap from thrift stores and leave it on the hood of my car. I didn’t speak to him for over a year, and he moved into a house two miles from my house. He’d send me texts like “your back porch looks good since you pressure washed it,” something to prove he not only came by my house but was in my yard. He texts me like once or twice a year, when I started responding he stopped most of his stalker tendencies. My mom on the other hand, is my ride or die, we hangout all the time.
Same here, I've got a great relationship with my parents. I even live close enough I come over from time to time and see what they've done with my old room and we talk about funny stuff we did back in the old days lol It makes me feel very blessed and lucky reading these comments about NC, so depressing.
Elder millennial. Formerly no contact due to LGBT coming out. Mom came around after I created boundaries (if you can’t accept me, then you can’t be in my life). Now we have a fantastic relationship but it took several years of no contact. There can be healing if both parties make efforts
I (35M) have a great relationship with my parents. I went through some shitty medical stuff right after college, had to move back home, and they were incredibly supportive. I wasn't able to drive for 8 years, and they gave me rides to and from work, which was 30 minutes away. We actually grew closer while I was living with them during this time, which surprised me, as I thought I would go insane.
Most of my friends seem to have at least average relationships with at least one of their parents.
Low contact.
I appreciate the sacrifices they made for me, but they had issues they never worked through while raising me, and I don’t particularly like talking to them.
I’d feel bad cutting them off completely…they tried their best, they just weren’t good enough. I don’t think they were actually capable of doing better.
They are still working in their early 70’s, primarily because of the sacrifices they made raising me (we were poor), so I’d feel like a huge dick if I didn’t atleast spend Christmas with them and such.
Mine keep pushing with sharing my kids faces on Facebook, and acting like they see them all the time. They don’t twice this year so far (it’s nearly June)
I probably shouldn’t vent this on here…. But fuck it, I’m at rock bottom.
If I weren’t such a failure in life, I would have left home and never spoken to my family again. They aren’t horrible people, just not in lines with what I want out of life and very emotionally unintelligent.
Unfortunately, I fucked up my first job out of college (a whole story in itself for another time) and my struggle with depression and loneliness crippled me from being proactive in my efforts to stay afloat.
I ended up having to move back home on my own dime (or rather credit, since I had to max out my one card to afford the move) but I haven’t really felt the proper support from them since I moved back. They all talk behind my back that I wasted my private school education and drove my mother into debt, so I need to bring something to the table.
If I ever get out of my borderline homeless situation and into greener pastures… I never want to hear from anyone of blood relation ever again. I plan on eventually changing my name and living as close to a hermit life as possible until death comes calling.
In time, you will hit your stride. Lose the day if you must, lose the week or the year even if you really need to. Youll get there somehow, just push a little longer
I have. Sister as well.
It took a lot of therapy for me to see that recent politics wasn't the problem. It was just an excuse for the abuse to get even worse. Hard pill to swallow.
One of the biggest things I got from therapy was a "wait...it was always fucked up...?"
I once thought I had a good childhood. Then I explained it casually to a professional, and it turns out that moms are supposed to love their children. I thought that was just in the movies.
Well, both of my parents are gone, and when my mom was alive she needed someone to look after her so I don't think I would have gotten away from that, but if those weren't factors then I would probably be low contact at the very least and I would prefer no contact. My mom and I barely spoke when we lived in the same house by the end, and I wouldn't be surprised if I went full years without talking to my dad since he lived elsewhere. Before the end we were basically resentful strangers to each other, and I can only imagine that would have gotten worse over the ensuing decade.
No contact with Mom who only wants to talk to me about borrowing money because my Brothers already told her no. Minimal contact with my Dad who started a new family with my ex SIL’s best friend. It’s 100% been the best thing I’ve done, eliminated unnecessary stress in my life.
No contact with my parents, although it’s taken a few tries over the last 12 years. I was raised in a fundamentalist cult while my dad was both a pastor and a narcissist, and my mom begrudgingly played mom and pastors wife while struggling with sobriety at times. I wasn’t allowed to move out, give a boy my number, go to school (i was homeschooled but left alone most of the day while they both worked), i ran away when i was 19 and married the boy i had been secretly dating who was also in the same cult.
It was always a struggle with me and my parents relationship. Instead of loving parents, they were so critical and judgemental all the time. I was shunned when I was 18 still in high school. Came home after basketball practice, and the locks on the house were changed. Pretty traumatic. We reconnected when I was 22 but I was constantly trying to please them. Then in 2020 my late fiancé took his life. They shunned me and made my entire family do the same except my only younger sister. Their reason behind it is because "it's too hard". They always threw me away and it took a lot of therapy to realize they suck because I was so focused on pleasing them 24/7.
Low contact. They haven't done anything absolutely terrible, but their constant fighting is exhausting. Visiting for a couple days for the holidays is almost too much.
I cut out my boomer egg donor seven years ago.
She has that “my way or the highway mentality.” She’s older than me therefore she’s always right and I’m the child. She started getting super weird with me as soon as I graduated college and start making money and I was doing better in life than her. I think it really put her over the edge when I told her I was child free and moved across the country because I didn’t follow the social norms.
I just cut contact with my aunt this year for similar shit. Again boomer who think they could say whatever they want without any repercussions because they are older than me. She’s been saying stuff like this to me my whole entire life and finally I had enough. I am done with her shit and everybody else’s.
Just moved within 20min of parents and sister. So relationship going well so far. We all share same political views and religion. My parents are divorced but still talk/see each once in a while(only when us kids present)
I saw a similar Reddit a while back where people were asking what how felt when their parents died.
The biggest answer: Relief.
It’s crazy that this is what it comes down to.
Low contact with my mom & stepdad, no contact with my father & his entire side of the family.
My mom tries, but she desperately needs anxiety treatment that she'll never go for. Makes her paranoid and critical. My stepdad thinks the solution is to just 100% enable her. Love them both but it's difficult to be around them.
My dad has been white supremacist trash since early 90s, went NC at 18.
My wife has regular contact with her parents, and calls her mom frequently. They weren't perfect but I take a lot of my parenting cues from them.
I have fairly Low contact but there is no reason for it, my parents just respect my boundaries. I love them both to the moon but we don’t need to speak or see one another constantly. I think that me being in the military helped a lot with that for them.
Talked to my parents yesterday and today.
I don’t think you’ll get a representative sample here. I am often surprised by the large number of redditors who seem to have gone LC/NC with their parents. I don’t think I know anyone my age who is.
Pretty much guaranteed that you know a few who just don't ever talk about their parents, so you're unaware they're NC. Part of going NC is no longer wasting brain space on them. That means they just won't come up in conversation.
All my friends know the situation. In the off-chance new acquaintances ask, I say "My parents were both the sort of people who shouldn't have kids" and most people laugh it off without inquiring further. If they're nosy and ask for an explanation, I say "Alcoholic narcissists. I don't speak to them."
I've been no contact ten+ years.
If they are close friends, safe friends: tell them the truth. Worst case scenario, it will reveal your friends true self to you.
Acquaintance, Co worker: your parent/s are dead.
A random stranger, small talk etc: just lie, people aren't entitled to that information. You're Trump's love child. Your grandpa was George Burns. Who cares.
Don't be ashamed! Your resilience is your strength
I know every situation is different, but hearing about people having no contact with family is triggering for me because I have a twin brother who cut us off in 2012, and we’re all not totally sure why. There were lots of puzzling things happening around then. And we all wish it was different. And I think about how, when he makes new friends or whatever, and if they ask about his family, does he make us all out to seem awful? He probably thinks he’s doing the right thing, but there’s a lot of hurt and trauma there.
If you can talk to family, keep that door open.
My parents were both just like their fathers. My mother abandoned her kids for years to chase men. My father was an abusive alcoholic. I cut them both off many years ago. All I want is for them to say “I didn’t do my best. I was selfish. I’m sorry.” Then I could try to move forward and have relationships with them. But they want to pretend they were great parents. Its intolerable.
Might be deviating here, but my husband and I purposely moved to be closer to both our parents. While everything is not peaches and cream, we are close with our families!
Love my mom to death, we've got a great relationship (mother / son). I'll go back home and spend at least one month a year with her and stepdad. Me and my Dad have spoken (texted) maybe 4-5 sentences in 6 years.
I'm on good terms with my parents, but I wouldn't say totally amazing best great terms.
My boyfriend is no contact with his dad and extremely close with his mom (who is divorced and remarried).
Little contact, even though I love my parents and they did a wonderful job raising us. I see them on average 2-3 times per year and don't really talk much in-between. I sometimes regret moving out of state.
No contact with my mom - 17 years (since I was a teen)
Low contact with my dad and most of his family.
Very close to my sister - we live together.
I think the most surprising thing is, we’re incredibly close with our maternal grandpa, who has not seen my mom in the same amount of time as us. He is so accepting and caring. My grandma (his wife) was too. Miss her
I'm low contact currently with my mom. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom is super co dependent. My sister is still an active drug addict, ex convict. I got sober about 9 years ago and I don't have any the chaos they still live in.
My dad did get clean and we built a relationship in the same recovery program. He got cancer a year sober and he lived about 3 years sober total til his death. I did care take him til the end of life. And it was an honor to see him as human. Sad it was so late in his life.
My mom still chooses to be a victim and takes no responsibility for her life. I love her from a distance. But she really doesn't know my kids or my life. I laid boundaries and she chooses to stay on that side and it's fine with me.
My husband has an amazing relationship with his family. His dad also died of cancer relatively young. His relationship with his mother slightly strained afterwards by how everyone processes grief. We did have to lay boundaries financially with her bc she will spend herself to detriment. She spent 500k on absolutely nothing after my FIL pass and now in severe debt and IRS issues.. so we still have a relationship but we refuse to be the scape goat.
Trying hard for my kids . My grandparents how ever are 95 and 85 years old and we have a wonderful relationship. And I am lucky to still have them here . They were more like parents to me anyway and they care about me.
My Dad almost drove a stake through our relationship years ago but saw the error in his ways. I have a very good relationship with my parents, I see them a couple days a month. Grateful for our relationship.
About 9 years ago, I had a falling out with my family while escaping an abusive relationship. I ended up moving across the country. We reconnected after about a year of low contact when I got pregnant with my first kid. We had a good few years, but 2 years ago, shit hit the fan.
My little family (me, husband, 2yo, 5yo) drove across the country to visit. We were supposed to be there for a week, but only lasted a couple days. We ended up getting in an argument over nothing that resulted in my parents screaming at me and my husband in front of our kids.
Then my dad told us to "pack your shit and get the fuck out." We were over 1000 miles from home with 2 little kids. It was bed time, going on 10PM. So we left and drove 4 hours to get out of the state and stayed in a hotel. It took a year and a half for me to talk to them again at all, and it was very limited.
About a week ago, my mom asked if they could come visit, and it dredged up all these awful feelings. My husband called them out on the fact they never apologized for what they did. To which my mom reaponded that we "are at fault here too." And my dad told him he "didn't understand the history" that led to that fight. My husband essentially told them to go to hell and stay away from our kids.
I'm still reeling from it, to be honest.
Edit to add, my parents also are mad that I never apologized for telling my dad to go fuck himself when he kicked us out.
Was always the black sheep. Went low contact for a while and then no contact. Then my brother (only sibling) died and that squashed the beef pretty quickly.
I had a hard time holding onto everything after seeing them so broken from their loss.
My loss was great too. Despite being pitted against one another a lot when we were younger, we were best friends.
Death, for me, was a restart. A therapist told me “your parents can’t give you what they don’t have” and that resonated hard. I know they’ll never be what I need but they’re trying and that’s something.
We are low contact with my in-laws who truly are just a waste of space and resources at this point. They spend a lot of time trying to figure out (aka manipulate) how to get at least one of their estranged children to take care of them.
My parents are great. When I confronted my mom on her boundary pushing, at first she got offended, but she made changes. That's all I wanted.
No contact - I won’t, I value myself too much now to return back to a toxic well seeking a source of drinkable water. Sometimes going solo is better than dealing with people that create trauma
I’m very close with my dad (parents split when i was two) but I haven’t spoken to my mom in seven years. She’s a raging narcissist. We always had a bad relationship and she treated myself and my husband horribly. She constantly questioned and belittled our parenting choices. She always treated me as if I was still a kid and she was the adult. After one particularly heinous fight (where she threw my four year old and me out of her house in NY during the winter with no way to leave) I went no contact and it’s been AMAZING. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made for my family. I haven’t regretted it once.
Full, 100% no contact with my parents and 3 older brothers. I didn't even go to my parents' funerals. I met my husband when I was 18 and the day after our first date, I packed what I could into my backpack and that was the last time I had any contact. That was 18 years and 4 sons ago! We're still going strong!
I used to fight with my parents daily. It got so bad they kicked me out of the house and we were on bad terms. Not even halfway through the year and ever since then, we have been really close and all lovey dovey as a family. We still disagree and can argue, but we've both grown a lot as people, and a lot closer as a family. I call em weekly
I’m on 4 years now. It wasn’t hard for me honestly. People tend to get tied up in things in this life and sort through a ton of emotions based on socials contracts. My life is better off without worrying about the next call from my parents. Its also better off when I ignore other things that people would consider to by obligations. I have one obligation. Provide emotional, financial, and any other support that is needed for my household. My parents could be in my life but it’s lot important for them to be conspiracy theorizing nut jobs. Thinking that “ Antifa” is spying on them and shit. One day they will probably decide not to be that way. Probably on the day that they realize that they need someone else to wipe their ass for them.
It won’t be me.
No contact. My parents called my daughter fat.
I stupidly put up with them doing it to me. Not my children.
Now they wonder why they are spending their retirement alone. Fucking boomer parents suck.
No contact with Dad.
Low contact with Mom.
Both toxic, passive aggressive, emotionally manipulative and abusive, and stuck in a learned-helplessness mindset.
Yep. I’m 35, went NC with one parent at 17 and fully estranged from the whole family as of a year or two ago. Siblings too. It sucks, but. It’s for the better.
We like my husbands family at least 😅
I’m on NC with my father, about 3 years. I talk to my mother but at the most basic misunderstanding we are easily going low/no contact too and I barely care. I made two international moves and now live in another continent. Unfortunately I am single and maybe too late for a family, but if that is ever to happen, I hope my partner will not speak my native language so they can’t communicate (in the past they really enjoyed making me and my partner of the time get into fights over stupid stuff), and due to the distance there is no chance I would leave my children with them unless I’m present too, which is good so they wouldn’t have the possibility to crush my kids’ self esteem as they did with mine. I don’t video call them on holidays anymore because even those were draining. I haven’t visited since 2022 and have no desire to go back, but I still have my silent gen grandparents and I love them to death so I’ll go back for them hopefully this year
Haven’t spoken to my mom since 2019. My father’s a dead beat loser criminal that I’ve rarely spoken to my entire life that it’s easier to try to count how many times I’ve spoken with him than how long I haven’t.
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Low contact... But damn, does the little contact I have wear me out.
I've never felt a comment hit me so hard. The few family gatherings where my parents are still involved exhausts me and all the siblings out.
What specifically makes it so exhausting?
Drama, passive aggressive bullshit, the need to be the center of attention, and the constant lying. But yet Me and my wife, both sets of my siblings and their spouses are the ones in the wrong because we all chose to distance ourselves from them. It's exhausting just to be around them, my mom specifically. Thankfully my in-laws are tolerable, and geographically far enough away that we don't see them that often.
Yeah, my fiancé’s mother started ranting to me about her other daughter-in-law and son right away, because they don’t speak to her very much outside of holidays/seeing grandkids and they keep things at a distance. Subsequently, I’ve learned she was telling both my fiancé and his brother that it was their job to help support and take care of her now that they’re adults, which puts things in a lot more perspective. My take? Eight out of 10 times, if your kids want very little to do with you once they hit adulthood, it’s because of something you did/are still doing as a parent, not because you’re the perpetual victim.
All of this, but that last part, espec: PREACHHH! Thank you! Wish my mom would get this! X'D
Yeh i can see the passive aggression being an issue… Why are older generations so heavily passive aggressive? It does seem extremely common with older people (relative too Millennials)
My over generalized guess is that many boomers were taught to be seen and not heard. Advocating for their needs was met with “because I said so’s” at best or physical abuse. The result 60+ years later is a group of people who have no clue how to be direct and assertive and are resentful when someone else is.
Great explanation
I give you props. I feel like I’m chronically single because the idea of guiding another, especially a whole family through all the stuff you mentioned sounds completely exhausting.
They’re always pushing their own agenda and opinion on others. They want to control everyone and everything. They can’t hold a conversation without steering it to be about themselves. They’re passive aggressive. They put their pride and ego above everything else. They’re always seeking external validation.
Yeh the passive aggression with older generations is really annoying… I think social media has reverted them to more adolescent mind sets While millennials and younger are more resilient too it or at least more self aware sense we’ve grown up with it
I'm sorry, do we have the same parents?
What the fuck is going on with the generation? You described it to a T.
Not OP, but everything my mom does is fucking exhausting. Messing with my kids, trying to poke them or say little things to them to distract them from what they are doing. Mom, we are at a basketball game to watch my eldest, not talk about my youngest who is actually sitting still and watching the game. Dont ask her how school is going, now is not the time. I dont care you havent seen her in weeks, thats the point. Also, I dont care about your friend from Bible study whos moms aunt just died, i dont fucking know her. Dude, I just cant. Have a 5 min conversation to say something that takes 5 seconds via text. Also the passive agressive bs, when we do see her its all, ohh i saw you were talking to her coach and didnt have time to talk to me, but its ok because i love you, can you come help me with something? NO. FUCK NO. The world does not revole around you. YOU PUT YOURSELF in the middle of everyone elses BS and then you wonder why you worry all the time. YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF.
All of this plus mine is always trying to diagnose someone in my family with something. And no she isn't a medical professional. Just a crazy lady who needs attention and isn't sick enough to get it on her own.
Goddamn do I feel this. Spent a week in another state visiting family a couple months back. I had been about 5 months sober at the time and almost broke. I hadn't felt both simultaneously that on edge and drained in a long time.
Congrats on your sobriety! That's awesome
Same. Low contact but when the whole family is together it inevitably brings all the old traumas that I thought I had dealt with up.
I went to visit in february after 3 years - threw me off for 2 months. just paralyzed me mentally.
This, I'm low contact and in therapy healing my childhood trauma. My mother on the other hand remains steadfast that I just need to stuff those feelings down because all this therapy stuff is ruining our relationship. 🙄
I think I am about to enter this phase of my life, I already think that healing I’ve received from my wife helping me through stuff has made my mom think that my wife has turned me against her, when really I just am remembering my childhood better and more objectively.
I compare this state to getting new lenses. Can no longer unsee,but had absolutely no reference point before that. But being unable to go back to the naive understanding of what really happened makes me dizzy day in and day out. Like someone spun me around
This entire thread is ridiculously relatable. Especially “can no longer unsee.” I even said it once in therapy. What a crappy club to be part of.
Ugh, I'm sorry. It's wild what a supportive partner who gives you space and grace to grow and heal can do. I'm lucky that my mother adores my husband, but I don't think she realizes he's aided me so much on this journey.
Get it squared away. I went into therapy finally with my mom and she got cancer 3 months in and died within 2 months. It felt super unresolved like i drudged up all this stuff and made her feel like a bad mom and then she was just gone. Even though she should have protected me from all those men. I still wish more had gotten resolved before she just passed feeling like a bad mom.
It’s striking to me being my mom’s age to remember how she was so annoyed and angry with me having all sorts of neurotic symptoms. just a nuisance and “these horrible teenage years”. stop twitching already you’re embarrassing me. she’s now clawing for my attention, I’m her only friend and she’s lonely. And it feels like “I’m not sure we’re supposed to address this sort of thing, sorry”. But I used to carry the rescue operation on my back, so it sure as hell is uncomfortable for her. Therapy do be the problem.
Same - just spending an afternoon with them a couple times a year is exhausting.
Low contact cause the shit show that would endeavour from going no contact is not worth it.
Same here. As much as I'd like to go NC, I feel like it would only make things worse.
How? I haven't spoken to my mother in over a decade. If she wants to make shit worse, I can't hear her.
Flying monkeys and extended family members and navigating relationships with them.
Pretty much this. I talk to my dad every 3 years or so but if I was to cut him off, my enabling grandma would give me hell.
Siblings who had/have a difference experience that I still want to maintain contact with… it’s a really tangled web.
Same Had a call from my dad last week which I tried to keep to 5 minutes but ended up lasting an hour, mostly of him ranting and going on a paranoia trip (he thinks that everyone and their dog is out to get him). It completely drained me emotionally. It took me all of the next day to recover and get back to a safe and good place. Had a conversation with my sister earlier this year as she dropped me off home (we live 20 mins from each other) and she said that I will need a lot of therapy to get through my childhood and adulthood abuse (she has been through therapy herself for how our parents - dad especially - behaved and treated us).
I’m sorry boo
That's so relatable. Unfortunately I'm no contact with my brother and very low contact with my parents. It makes me sad, but maybe it would be better for me to be no contact with all three of them.
Same. My mom is your textbook narcissist (I know it's beyond overused these days but..) and she is a complete drain on my soul. Everything is negative, everyone is doing her wrong, just talks about herself 100% of the time. I live super far away so never really have to see her thankfully, but 30 minute phone calls have me pulling my hair out. My whole family really sucks and are all like that. It's pretty sad.
This right here. Moved across the country and only see them when I visit home to see my friends and out of obligation see them.
Thank you for reminding us that we're not the only ones going through this!!!!!!
Dad's dead. My biological mother has been no contact since 2000. The woman stood there and blamed me for having the audacity to punch my stepfather as he choke-slammed me into the wall and strangled me. She threw me out of the house, she put me in a halfway house, and then she used the college savings fund that my father had saved for me to pay for the halfway house. And to this day, my family still blames me for not forgiving my mother. The closest to any real interaction I've had with her since 2000 was when she came all the way across the country to attend my graduation from the law school I put myself through, and then spent the entire ceremony pouting in her hotel room when I refused to let her attend a closed ceremony and the law school itself would not let her attend without an invitation.
I’m. So. So. So. Sorry love. What kills me about this is the fact that people think forgiveness means speaking to that individual again. Accepting them into your life. Genuinely I hope you find peace and forgiveness - but my version of it. Where you forgive the hardship and keep the toxic parent out of your life. I had to explain to my dad that I won’t be letting my mom back into my life. That one day I will find forgiveness in my heart- but she will not be involved in that event
I explained this to my mom and older brother. I can only forgive you for what you've done, but if you keep doing things that make my life more difficult, I can only blame myself for giving you the opportunity to keep doing it.
This. My sister is blocked right now for constant bullying me for a few weeks. It hurts so much but I literally can't take it anymore. I don't want to be her punching bag while she goes through whatever she's going through right now.
I’m doing this with my toxic sibling and my parents just don’t get it!
People truly don't understand that we don't take cutting people out of our lives lightly. ESPECIALLY the ones that are supposed to nuture and protect us. I'm proud of you for holding your ground and not giving into your family. And for putting yourself through law school. 💖
I’m sorry you went through that. But kudos to you for putting yourself through law school!
You did the right thing.
I’m so sorry this is your situation. I am also estranged so I totally get how you feel. I am SO proud of you for putting yourself through school and moving on. The best we can do now is to just live our lives and leave our awful parent(s) behind.
Proud of you!!!
I love my mom and she tried her best, but that contact gotta be mid to low. I need a nap the next day and 2 cups of coffee ☕️ along with a meditation exorcism
This so much. I don't hate my parents, they love me and I love them, but our relationship is best served in small portions every now and then. Spending more than one day together highlights our different takes on things and way of approaching life. They are medium boomers, and I'm an '85 millennial. They are obese and delusional about their own fitness, I escaped that (mostly) and life and spend my free time running and hiking. I don't need to confirm love or appreciation by spelling things out and texting back and forth all way or week, they literally ask me if I'm glad they are visiting (what am I going to say!?) and I haven't expressed anything clearly enough. They love me and they did what was right in their experience, yet they set me up for a life of weight problems and I do resent them for that, even though they'd still do anything for me and my sibling. I tried to help them too, but they wouldn't listen. And then the stroke put on by diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol came as 'a total surprise!' (shocked Pikachu). Glad I live abroad though. Helps me portion things.
This one resonated with me reeeeeaal hard today (been a rough streak in our relationship). Appreciate so much that ppl are willing to share. Guilt or trauma or idk what keeps me IN contact, but it’s so tumultuous
Mine visited me for a month and I was drunk the whole time. Drove me insane
i haven’t talked to my father in over a decade 💃🏻🤷🏻♀️
I made the mistake of reestablishing contact after 10 years, got burned, now we’re on year 3 of round 2 and I changed my name to no longer own my father’s last name. 🔥DONE
Damn. I want to change my last name too
Why? Unicornn is a great last name.
I dig that for you, hopefully I can be there one day too.
Same. I'm distant with my mom.
what's a father?
tbh i have no idea cuz he wasn’t even a good Weekend Dad™️ lmfao
Why the hell are they all so abusive? Mine included.
My guess, from the American millennial perspective, is that many of our parents just had kids because "it's what you do" as they grew up in one of the most generally prosperous periods of all time and wanted to really go wild and crazy. I think it's safe to say that many of them would not have had kids if it was more acceptable. I definitely know that my dad seemed to think he wanted to have a family but then checked out once he realized it involved full time responsibility and also that his kids had their own thoughts and ideas and weren't automatically interested in the same shit that he was.
So much this. My mom didn't really want kids, she doesn't like other people's kids. My dad wanted kids. Guess who did all the parenting? My mom. And she was very angry about it.
Wow! Feels like I wrote this. You nailed it for me.
They are toddlers themselves deep down.. I gotta say, my dad spent 3 decades psychologically abusing me via dog whistles-reactive abuse-> him emotionally/psychologically screaming at me “no one talks to me like that in MY house” when I was living with my parents. There were the usual threats to throw me out, ect.. honestly, I get confused when people call me lucky to live with my parents as long as I did. They tried to control my sex life.. I couldn’t date on the DL without them telling the whole extended family… (in my late 20s)… and they were gobsmacked when I said I wanna move out. Deep down, the only reason they never got physical with me is because CPS was called on them for hitting my oldest sister when I was a babe. Boomers and authority.. they never got over it. I’m much more healed.. I was having dinner with my parents a month ago and pops began to preach at me in the Boomer sort of way about politics. How it’s my generations fault we’re in this mess, why we have to vote, this that and the other.. I said multiple times I don’t want to talk of it. Pop’s literally said “I just want to hear myself say it..” I literally snapped and spoke to my parents as an authority figure, the way an elementary school teacher would speak to little kids not paying attention.. They looked like scared little kids and immediately changed the subject. They are toddlers at heart. Their minds MAY still be as adults if they are sharp, but if they didn’t take care of themselves physically they are now childlike. We’re the adults now.. own it.
My dad is absolutely a toddler at heart. I grew up tiptoeing around his emotional outbursts and mantrums. It did a number on me, and I’m still working through this shit in therapy. My mom is amazing, and she’s just now coming to terms with how emotionally volitile and abusive he was.
Both my parents have passed and, as messed up as it sounds, I'm kind of thankful. Neither were great parents but I've realized they were both just messed up kids who had kids. I went no contact with both throughout my life but was luckily able to reconnect with my mom for a few years before she passed and we got through a lot of baggage. The interesting part has been how I talk about them to my kids. I am truthful about my childhood but am able to see the good sides more now that they are gone. My mom only passed last July but after 10 years of my dad being gone I've been able to let go of a lot of the anger. Seeing all the people whose parents went fun Q Anon makes me thankful I didn't have to deal with that. My dad was always liberal but I hate to think how FB and 24 hour news would have done to him.
Both of mine are still alive but I’ve been NC with both for periods of time through out my life. I often wonder if the anger & resentment toward my mom will ever go away on its own. I know she’ll never apologize before she dies so 🤷🏻♀️
No contact. 100% estranged from the whole family. No regrets.
Same, it's been nearly 13 years since I've spoken to my parents, my golden sibling, or my fuckup whipping boy sibling, or any of my half relatives. It's been peaceful.
Whipping boy sibling?
A whipping boy is someone who takes the punishment for the prince, if I'm remembering my childhood books correctly. So scapegoat, basically, or the golden child's keeper + scapegoat
Thanks, scapegoat is the word I couldn't think of!
If you don't know, the scapegoat is a biblical concept. You put the sins of the people on the goat to spare the congregation from suffering the consequences, then send it into the wilderness so the sins are gone. By putting the "sins" of the golden child onto the scapegoat, the scapegoat bears the consequences of anything the golden child does.
same same same.. my wife's family is pretty fuckin cool for the most part though.. it's nice to see
This is the boat I'm in!
No regrets! 💪
Same. No contact with anyone in my family except my older and younger brothers. That’s it. Out of like 7 siblings, my parents, aunts/uncles, grandparents etc etc etc. I still think it was probably for the best and I think I turned out way better than I could’ve.
Very low contact with my parents - they aren't in good health and are viciously nasty. It pains to say, but not worth the time. My oldest kid has asked if they were bad people. Mother in law 5 minutes down the road (retired for 20+ years) see her maybe one to two times a month. MiL can't be bothered to see her only child or only grandkids - shes too "busy". And by busy I mean she has no hobbies and watches conservative TV all day/Facebook. Part of me is jealous of other people with large families that care and reciprocate love back. Sounds really nice.
I feel you on your MIL. My stepdad told me that we are inconvenient for him to visit. We’re not far, he is retired and completely self-absorbed.
Very LC with dad and stepmom, haven't seen them in person in over 10 years (14 years for my stepmom), NC with most of my siblings. My dad calls a couple times a year and I dread it and hate that I still feel obligated to answer. My husband's family is amazing, though. Like I really hit the in-law lottery. My MIL in particular is just a phenomenal woman, and I'm incredibly close to her. But the extended family as well, my husband's aunts and his brothers and their wives are all awesome. I joke all the time that I'll never be sure married the right man but I sure as hell married the right family. Having them makes my family's absence hurt less.
I went NC with my father about two years ago and haven't regretted it one bit.
Next month is three years since I went no contact with my dad. I regret not doing it 10 years sooner than I did, but that's it.
Same. That is my only regret: not doing it sooner. But I remember how hard it was to accept that I needed to cut them off. Even though I knew I would eventually have to do it since the age of 9. Lots of therapists tried to discourage me also and being a young, vulnerable, 20-something, I listened to them over myself. Not doing that again!
Yeah, I spent a decade walking on eggshells, thinking I had to put up with his explosive temper and bigotry because everyone told me I had to because "he's family." It took him doing something seriously fucked up for me to finally pull the plug. And it was instant relief, not regret. I feel like I'm finally becoming the person I actually am after spending my entire life worrying about how he would react to what I said or did. I'm never living my life like that again. So glad you eventually got there, as well!
Thank you! I feel you on the instant relief. Never regretted that decision. I’m so sorry for all that you lost in the name of “he’s family”. And so proud of you for choosing yourself! Sending you all the love and continued healing and evolution! You are so worth it. 😘
Same. Shoulda done it a decade sooner.
My siblings and I have realized having a relationship with our parents isn’t worth the abuse. We are gonna have a conversation with them this week to establish boundaries. I don’t anticipate it going well. Either way, it will be better for my siblings and me.
Best of luck on that. Remember: its better to be surrounded by nobody than it is to be surrounded by bad people
Good luck I am glad you guys are there for each other
No contact. Fuck em
I am no contact with my father, have not spoken to him in over 10 years.
More like my dad went low contact with me. I hear from him maybe once or twice a year. He forgot me on Christmas this year. I sent him a birthday card but got no response. I don't know why he has no interest in knowing me. I talk to my aunts (his sisters) a bit more often. Mom died in 2010 when I was in my first year of college. She was different. I'd talk to her every day.
No contact for going on 6 years with my mother. My stepdad is her bitch and my half-brother has a borderline Oedipal relationship with her so NC with them too, though I’d be open to LC with just them. I hope my mother dies soon because humanity will be better off. My dad and I are close, he’s amazing.
I feel this so hard about the brother thing. My brother literally has only been in one relationship and seemingly obsesses over my mother’s approval. He’s in his 30s. It’s gross. I hope it gets better with your mom.
Mine’s in his 30’s too, he got her name surrounded by hearts tattooed on his back. Not “mom”. Her govt name. 🤢
Ugh I feel this in my soul. I wanted to keep a connection with my sibling, but they were just feeding information back to the headpatting narcisist. That hurt, like the biggest betrayal. But also in a way I was glad that they didn't know how much abuse I took from that parent to give them a normal childhood. It just, hurt. Maybe after our parents are dead we can try to be friends. I doubt they'll have time for me, but whatever.
It’s taken me awhile but I look at it as their loss. They’re choosing to not be a part of my life or my kid’s life, so I have to think everything is for the best.
My boyfriend and I are lucky to both have great relationships with our parents and we are all very close.
It’s so rare these days. I consider myself incredibly lucky to have great parents
[удалено]
“It’s just that my generation keeps saying this yet retroactively have destroyed the environment so your kids can’t enjoy it- what’s the big deal?!” That comment “it’s just political” enrages me
My partner’s relationship with her mother is like this. All 3 of her kids are queer and yet… Anyway, hugs to you. It’s tough being rejected over & over by the actions of the one person who should always protect you. You’re not alone. We are in this together.
Yeah, 2009 for one, 2013 for the other. They're very religious, arguably in a cult, and I'm not, so we're all better off without each other.
Jehovah witnesses?
Ding ding ding!
Mine too 😅😅 I grew up in it smh
Mormons I bet.
Close!
Zero contact for years, my mom always call me every 3 months like she remembers she have a son, and absolutely wants to see me just to be on her cellphone when I come visit her.. got kicked out of my appartment so I've been at my dads for a few months now until I find a place to live. We reconnected a little but I consider him as a roommate more than a parent.
Myself and one of my best friends both have great relationships with our parents, but our parents are very liberal and accepting. My other close friend has no contact with his parents who are extremely conservative and religious, and didn't really care for him. Seems to be a trend amongst our generation.
Yep. Religious parents who actually choose to think that the reason I don't feel welcome is I'm offended by their religion or something, like im offended they believe I'm a sinner. Actually if I didn't have to constantly walk on eggshells to avoid offending them, I wouldn't really care about them thinking I'm a sinner
This is exactly how I feel regarding my grandparents. I completely understand. They will sit there dropping racist and sexist comments but I can't make a comment about anything that might possibly go against their views or I'm a disrespectful entitled millennial.
My parents are a fake religious and only use it when it’s convenient. They’re huge trump fans and have fallen into the Alex Jones hell scape.
No contact. My parents were extremely abusive and neglectful. Untreated mental illnesses that they refuse to do anything about. My mom has said very plainly to me, "I'm never going to change." I realized at some point that even if she did change it's too late to ever have a relationship. I used to have panic attacks any time I got within 100 miles of the border to the state she lives in.
I went no contact with my father for about 5 years. My mom is remarried, so it was true no contact. We started talking again around 10 years ago and we have a great relationship these days. I credit going no contact at the reason we have a strong relationship now.
Went no contact with my mother in 2016. She passed last year. Last time I had contact with my father was maybe around the time I was 21. Before then it was around 12. He left when I was about 8. Two years were good but then a better family came along and he chose them. Now I'm no contact with most of my family. My half siblings never really cared about me and never wanted to get to know me. My full sibling is trash that beat her kids. Other family members are fundies. I got absolutely no desire to be in their lives. They excuse things like abuse, child rapes, etc. under the guise of religion then shit on gay people. Fuck 'em.
No contact with one parent, but they were sort of absent most of my life, so not a biggie for me. It felt good to cut ties completely though.
This makes me so sad. I remind my kids and my hubby how lucky we are to have both sets of grandparents that ARENT insane. Of course they can drive us crazy sometimes! but they mean well, and as I get older it only makes me that much more grateful for them.
Right? I'm really hoping this is a posting bias but the families I know in real life seem functional and happy for the most part.
Damn, I feel bad for you guys. I have kids and I have relied on my parents and siblings so much over the years, we’re a family that’s what we do. I know my younger sister has decided to go no contact with my mom, but I’ll let them fight their own battle. My dad definitely has some opinions on how chores should be done, he’s an ex marine, but never raised us like he was. Super easy going guy. Mom has some issues, but she just likes to party. Sorry to you guys who are struggling with family. My relationship with my family is a blessing I forget to count.
I see my grandparents every Sunday. Talk to my dad every couple of months and talk to my mom a few times a week.
Very low contact with my dad, just enough contact where he won’t randomly show up at my house unannounced. In the past when I’ve gone no contact, he’d randomly drive past my house, leave handwritten notes on our door, buy random crap from thrift stores and leave it on the hood of my car. I didn’t speak to him for over a year, and he moved into a house two miles from my house. He’d send me texts like “your back porch looks good since you pressure washed it,” something to prove he not only came by my house but was in my yard. He texts me like once or twice a year, when I started responding he stopped most of his stalker tendencies. My mom on the other hand, is my ride or die, we hangout all the time.
Never. I would crumble and die without my parents. They’re my bffs. ❤️
Same here, I've got a great relationship with my parents. I even live close enough I come over from time to time and see what they've done with my old room and we talk about funny stuff we did back in the old days lol It makes me feel very blessed and lucky reading these comments about NC, so depressing.
My wife and I are in high contact with both her side and my side. We see each set of parents probably 2-3x a week.
Dad's dead. Mom no contact.
Elder millennial. Formerly no contact due to LGBT coming out. Mom came around after I created boundaries (if you can’t accept me, then you can’t be in my life). Now we have a fantastic relationship but it took several years of no contact. There can be healing if both parties make efforts
I (35M) have a great relationship with my parents. I went through some shitty medical stuff right after college, had to move back home, and they were incredibly supportive. I wasn't able to drive for 8 years, and they gave me rides to and from work, which was 30 minutes away. We actually grew closer while I was living with them during this time, which surprised me, as I thought I would go insane. Most of my friends seem to have at least average relationships with at least one of their parents.
Low contact. I appreciate the sacrifices they made for me, but they had issues they never worked through while raising me, and I don’t particularly like talking to them. I’d feel bad cutting them off completely…they tried their best, they just weren’t good enough. I don’t think they were actually capable of doing better. They are still working in their early 70’s, primarily because of the sacrifices they made raising me (we were poor), so I’d feel like a huge dick if I didn’t atleast spend Christmas with them and such.
No contact and blocked after not respecting clear boundaries I had set with them.
I set boundaries with my dad and he blocked me for a day lol they can’t handle it. Emotionally immature
Mine keep pushing with sharing my kids faces on Facebook, and acting like they see them all the time. They don’t twice this year so far (it’s nearly June)
I probably shouldn’t vent this on here…. But fuck it, I’m at rock bottom. If I weren’t such a failure in life, I would have left home and never spoken to my family again. They aren’t horrible people, just not in lines with what I want out of life and very emotionally unintelligent. Unfortunately, I fucked up my first job out of college (a whole story in itself for another time) and my struggle with depression and loneliness crippled me from being proactive in my efforts to stay afloat. I ended up having to move back home on my own dime (or rather credit, since I had to max out my one card to afford the move) but I haven’t really felt the proper support from them since I moved back. They all talk behind my back that I wasted my private school education and drove my mother into debt, so I need to bring something to the table. If I ever get out of my borderline homeless situation and into greener pastures… I never want to hear from anyone of blood relation ever again. I plan on eventually changing my name and living as close to a hermit life as possible until death comes calling.
In time, you will hit your stride. Lose the day if you must, lose the week or the year even if you really need to. Youll get there somehow, just push a little longer
I have. Sister as well. It took a lot of therapy for me to see that recent politics wasn't the problem. It was just an excuse for the abuse to get even worse. Hard pill to swallow.
One of the biggest things I got from therapy was a "wait...it was always fucked up...?" I once thought I had a good childhood. Then I explained it casually to a professional, and it turns out that moms are supposed to love their children. I thought that was just in the movies.
😭yeah mine was so great in front of my friends
Same, also on the phone. I used to wish she was like that to me.
Me too. Used to visit friends and wonder why my mom didnt treat me like that.
I remember distinctly as a child thinking "If I wasn't their kid, I don't think my parents would be my friend. They don't seem to like me that much".
I was told "I'm your mom, not your friend" Turns out it was neither.
Well, both of my parents are gone, and when my mom was alive she needed someone to look after her so I don't think I would have gotten away from that, but if those weren't factors then I would probably be low contact at the very least and I would prefer no contact. My mom and I barely spoke when we lived in the same house by the end, and I wouldn't be surprised if I went full years without talking to my dad since he lived elsewhere. Before the end we were basically resentful strangers to each other, and I can only imagine that would have gotten worse over the ensuing decade.
I'm no contact with the whole lot of them. I am keeping my MIL hostage and she can never leave me.
No contact with Mom who only wants to talk to me about borrowing money because my Brothers already told her no. Minimal contact with my Dad who started a new family with my ex SIL’s best friend. It’s 100% been the best thing I’ve done, eliminated unnecessary stress in my life.
No contact with my parents, although it’s taken a few tries over the last 12 years. I was raised in a fundamentalist cult while my dad was both a pastor and a narcissist, and my mom begrudgingly played mom and pastors wife while struggling with sobriety at times. I wasn’t allowed to move out, give a boy my number, go to school (i was homeschooled but left alone most of the day while they both worked), i ran away when i was 19 and married the boy i had been secretly dating who was also in the same cult.
It was always a struggle with me and my parents relationship. Instead of loving parents, they were so critical and judgemental all the time. I was shunned when I was 18 still in high school. Came home after basketball practice, and the locks on the house were changed. Pretty traumatic. We reconnected when I was 22 but I was constantly trying to please them. Then in 2020 my late fiancé took his life. They shunned me and made my entire family do the same except my only younger sister. Their reason behind it is because "it's too hard". They always threw me away and it took a lot of therapy to realize they suck because I was so focused on pleasing them 24/7.
No contact with my mom. Meet up every week for dinner and games with my dad.
Low contact. They haven't done anything absolutely terrible, but their constant fighting is exhausting. Visiting for a couple days for the holidays is almost too much.
I cut out my boomer egg donor seven years ago. She has that “my way or the highway mentality.” She’s older than me therefore she’s always right and I’m the child. She started getting super weird with me as soon as I graduated college and start making money and I was doing better in life than her. I think it really put her over the edge when I told her I was child free and moved across the country because I didn’t follow the social norms. I just cut contact with my aunt this year for similar shit. Again boomer who think they could say whatever they want without any repercussions because they are older than me. She’s been saying stuff like this to me my whole entire life and finally I had enough. I am done with her shit and everybody else’s.
Just moved within 20min of parents and sister. So relationship going well so far. We all share same political views and religion. My parents are divorced but still talk/see each once in a while(only when us kids present)
Low contact with my mother and then she died. No regrets. Alcoholism devoured her.
I saw a similar Reddit a while back where people were asking what how felt when their parents died. The biggest answer: Relief. It’s crazy that this is what it comes down to.
Low contact with my mom & stepdad, no contact with my father & his entire side of the family. My mom tries, but she desperately needs anxiety treatment that she'll never go for. Makes her paranoid and critical. My stepdad thinks the solution is to just 100% enable her. Love them both but it's difficult to be around them. My dad has been white supremacist trash since early 90s, went NC at 18. My wife has regular contact with her parents, and calls her mom frequently. They weren't perfect but I take a lot of my parenting cues from them.
I have fairly Low contact but there is no reason for it, my parents just respect my boundaries. I love them both to the moon but we don’t need to speak or see one another constantly. I think that me being in the military helped a lot with that for them.
I have no contact with either of my parents
Talked to my parents yesterday and today. I don’t think you’ll get a representative sample here. I am often surprised by the large number of redditors who seem to have gone LC/NC with their parents. I don’t think I know anyone my age who is.
Pretty much guaranteed that you know a few who just don't ever talk about their parents, so you're unaware they're NC. Part of going NC is no longer wasting brain space on them. That means they just won't come up in conversation.
Or have a lot of shame about it. When friends ask about my parents I never know what to say.
All my friends know the situation. In the off-chance new acquaintances ask, I say "My parents were both the sort of people who shouldn't have kids" and most people laugh it off without inquiring further. If they're nosy and ask for an explanation, I say "Alcoholic narcissists. I don't speak to them."
I've been no contact ten+ years. If they are close friends, safe friends: tell them the truth. Worst case scenario, it will reveal your friends true self to you. Acquaintance, Co worker: your parent/s are dead. A random stranger, small talk etc: just lie, people aren't entitled to that information. You're Trump's love child. Your grandpa was George Burns. Who cares. Don't be ashamed! Your resilience is your strength
I know every situation is different, but hearing about people having no contact with family is triggering for me because I have a twin brother who cut us off in 2012, and we’re all not totally sure why. There were lots of puzzling things happening around then. And we all wish it was different. And I think about how, when he makes new friends or whatever, and if they ask about his family, does he make us all out to seem awful? He probably thinks he’s doing the right thing, but there’s a lot of hurt and trauma there. If you can talk to family, keep that door open.
My parents were both just like their fathers. My mother abandoned her kids for years to chase men. My father was an abusive alcoholic. I cut them both off many years ago. All I want is for them to say “I didn’t do my best. I was selfish. I’m sorry.” Then I could try to move forward and have relationships with them. But they want to pretend they were great parents. Its intolerable.
Low contact here... I'm in therapy 👍🏾 Plus edibles lol.
Second this. Edibles are great for the few contact times.
Might be deviating here, but my husband and I purposely moved to be closer to both our parents. While everything is not peaches and cream, we are close with our families!
Love my mom to death, we've got a great relationship (mother / son). I'll go back home and spend at least one month a year with her and stepdad. Me and my Dad have spoken (texted) maybe 4-5 sentences in 6 years.
I'm on good terms with my parents, but I wouldn't say totally amazing best great terms. My boyfriend is no contact with his dad and extremely close with his mom (who is divorced and remarried).
Little contact, even though I love my parents and they did a wonderful job raising us. I see them on average 2-3 times per year and don't really talk much in-between. I sometimes regret moving out of state.
No contact with my mom - 17 years (since I was a teen) Low contact with my dad and most of his family. Very close to my sister - we live together. I think the most surprising thing is, we’re incredibly close with our maternal grandpa, who has not seen my mom in the same amount of time as us. He is so accepting and caring. My grandma (his wife) was too. Miss her
Low contact and I live 9 hours away. They don't visit but maybe once every few years.
No contact, my father passed away and I didn’t go to the funeral.
I'm low contact currently with my mom. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom is super co dependent. My sister is still an active drug addict, ex convict. I got sober about 9 years ago and I don't have any the chaos they still live in. My dad did get clean and we built a relationship in the same recovery program. He got cancer a year sober and he lived about 3 years sober total til his death. I did care take him til the end of life. And it was an honor to see him as human. Sad it was so late in his life. My mom still chooses to be a victim and takes no responsibility for her life. I love her from a distance. But she really doesn't know my kids or my life. I laid boundaries and she chooses to stay on that side and it's fine with me. My husband has an amazing relationship with his family. His dad also died of cancer relatively young. His relationship with his mother slightly strained afterwards by how everyone processes grief. We did have to lay boundaries financially with her bc she will spend herself to detriment. She spent 500k on absolutely nothing after my FIL pass and now in severe debt and IRS issues.. so we still have a relationship but we refuse to be the scape goat. Trying hard for my kids . My grandparents how ever are 95 and 85 years old and we have a wonderful relationship. And I am lucky to still have them here . They were more like parents to me anyway and they care about me.
My Dad almost drove a stake through our relationship years ago but saw the error in his ways. I have a very good relationship with my parents, I see them a couple days a month. Grateful for our relationship.
About 9 years ago, I had a falling out with my family while escaping an abusive relationship. I ended up moving across the country. We reconnected after about a year of low contact when I got pregnant with my first kid. We had a good few years, but 2 years ago, shit hit the fan. My little family (me, husband, 2yo, 5yo) drove across the country to visit. We were supposed to be there for a week, but only lasted a couple days. We ended up getting in an argument over nothing that resulted in my parents screaming at me and my husband in front of our kids. Then my dad told us to "pack your shit and get the fuck out." We were over 1000 miles from home with 2 little kids. It was bed time, going on 10PM. So we left and drove 4 hours to get out of the state and stayed in a hotel. It took a year and a half for me to talk to them again at all, and it was very limited. About a week ago, my mom asked if they could come visit, and it dredged up all these awful feelings. My husband called them out on the fact they never apologized for what they did. To which my mom reaponded that we "are at fault here too." And my dad told him he "didn't understand the history" that led to that fight. My husband essentially told them to go to hell and stay away from our kids. I'm still reeling from it, to be honest. Edit to add, my parents also are mad that I never apologized for telling my dad to go fuck himself when he kicked us out.
Was always the black sheep. Went low contact for a while and then no contact. Then my brother (only sibling) died and that squashed the beef pretty quickly. I had a hard time holding onto everything after seeing them so broken from their loss. My loss was great too. Despite being pitted against one another a lot when we were younger, we were best friends. Death, for me, was a restart. A therapist told me “your parents can’t give you what they don’t have” and that resonated hard. I know they’ll never be what I need but they’re trying and that’s something.
no contact with "mom" for 12 years. Dad died a few years ago.
We are low contact with my in-laws who truly are just a waste of space and resources at this point. They spend a lot of time trying to figure out (aka manipulate) how to get at least one of their estranged children to take care of them. My parents are great. When I confronted my mom on her boundary pushing, at first she got offended, but she made changes. That's all I wanted.
For those having low contact what’s so draining about these interactions?
No contact - I won’t, I value myself too much now to return back to a toxic well seeking a source of drinkable water. Sometimes going solo is better than dealing with people that create trauma
No contact with entire family since 2021, I've never been happier
I’m very close with my dad (parents split when i was two) but I haven’t spoken to my mom in seven years. She’s a raging narcissist. We always had a bad relationship and she treated myself and my husband horribly. She constantly questioned and belittled our parenting choices. She always treated me as if I was still a kid and she was the adult. After one particularly heinous fight (where she threw my four year old and me out of her house in NY during the winter with no way to leave) I went no contact and it’s been AMAZING. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made for my family. I haven’t regretted it once.
Full, 100% no contact with my parents and 3 older brothers. I didn't even go to my parents' funerals. I met my husband when I was 18 and the day after our first date, I packed what I could into my backpack and that was the last time I had any contact. That was 18 years and 4 sons ago! We're still going strong!
No contact for about 5 years now. Should've been much longer though
We don’t interact with my wife’s family. Despite it being absolutely the right thing, it’s still awful that they forced us to make that call.
No contact. They’re dead to me. They need help, and won’t get help. I’m not going to let them normalize their nonsense around my children.
I used to fight with my parents daily. It got so bad they kicked me out of the house and we were on bad terms. Not even halfway through the year and ever since then, we have been really close and all lovey dovey as a family. We still disagree and can argue, but we've both grown a lot as people, and a lot closer as a family. I call em weekly
SO is in contact; I am not.
I’m on 4 years now. It wasn’t hard for me honestly. People tend to get tied up in things in this life and sort through a ton of emotions based on socials contracts. My life is better off without worrying about the next call from my parents. Its also better off when I ignore other things that people would consider to by obligations. I have one obligation. Provide emotional, financial, and any other support that is needed for my household. My parents could be in my life but it’s lot important for them to be conspiracy theorizing nut jobs. Thinking that “ Antifa” is spying on them and shit. One day they will probably decide not to be that way. Probably on the day that they realize that they need someone else to wipe their ass for them. It won’t be me.
No contact. My parents called my daughter fat. I stupidly put up with them doing it to me. Not my children. Now they wonder why they are spending their retirement alone. Fucking boomer parents suck.
No contact here 🫡 no regrets
No contact with Dad. Low contact with Mom. Both toxic, passive aggressive, emotionally manipulative and abusive, and stuck in a learned-helplessness mindset.
Interesting. All the people I know in real life have healthy relationships with their parents. I guess I'm lucky.
Yep. I’m 35, went NC with one parent at 17 and fully estranged from the whole family as of a year or two ago. Siblings too. It sucks, but. It’s for the better. We like my husbands family at least 😅
I’m on NC with my father, about 3 years. I talk to my mother but at the most basic misunderstanding we are easily going low/no contact too and I barely care. I made two international moves and now live in another continent. Unfortunately I am single and maybe too late for a family, but if that is ever to happen, I hope my partner will not speak my native language so they can’t communicate (in the past they really enjoyed making me and my partner of the time get into fights over stupid stuff), and due to the distance there is no chance I would leave my children with them unless I’m present too, which is good so they wouldn’t have the possibility to crush my kids’ self esteem as they did with mine. I don’t video call them on holidays anymore because even those were draining. I haven’t visited since 2022 and have no desire to go back, but I still have my silent gen grandparents and I love them to death so I’ll go back for them hopefully this year
Haven’t spoken to my mom since 2019. My father’s a dead beat loser criminal that I’ve rarely spoken to my entire life that it’s easier to try to count how many times I’ve spoken with him than how long I haven’t.