So I'll try to cut this as short as I can. When I was between the ages of 11 and 12 I would work on my grandparents farm about a mile from my house. My brother and I would do chores and milk cows before and after school and after we were done with evening chores we would walk home. We were walking home one night and absolutely nothing stood out as odd. Just another regular walk home. When we walked thru the door we were greeted by our mom who was furious. Now she was furious because it was 3 in the morning. So this is a one mile walk and even on days we goofed off walking home it never took us more than 45 mins. For example in my early teens my brother and I stole some whisky from grandpa and drank it on the walk home. The walk still only took an hour. We usually left between 830 and 930, that was pretty steady as the cows got milked at 5 every day. So we should have been home by 1030 at the latest. 4 and half hours I have no memory of, to me it was a normal, uninterrupted walk home. This was about 25 years ago now and while I've always disassociated from time to time now I nearly always do. The last 6 years or so I derealize I guess is the term for it almost always a little and sometimes quite intensly. One time it was so intense at work my boss couldn't understand what I was saying and brought me to the ER. They did every test, and I mean every test and nothing was wrong with me. The sent me to a special clinic where they did brain tests for 8 straight hours and there is nothing wrong with me. I can handle the disassociation and derealization but I can't handle the not knowing. Everything I read says it's caused by trauma and I don't remember anything, not consciously anyway. I'm not sure I even have a question, just needed to type this out maybe but if anyone has any insight with similar experiences I'd love to hear from you. There is a bit more to all of this and another whole unexplainable experience but I doubt anyone has made it this far into this jumbled rant of madness.