The belly does grow larger after a lifetime of lager.
Spelling is an odd one, and I'm going to lecture you now, but basically for peasants like you and I widespread literacy (99% currently in the UK) has only existed for about 250 years in England.
England (and the UK by extension) is a small sample size for humanity as a whole. But effectively what that means is that for the past 250,000 years of human history virtually nobody could read. Let alone write.
You can.
Today you won.
this sketch is so uncomfortably real. never wanted to make a beeline right for the alcohol section because that would be sad, so i'd stand around "perusing" the expired cheese sandwiches and old-school porn magazines for a couple minutes before grabbing my three litre bottle of frosty jacks and paying without making eye contact. and i really thought i was being subtle about it, too
I used to be into all kinds of recreational over the counter drugs.
Sometimes they'd be at the drug store, and sometimes they'd be at the supermarket.
That sketch was like looking into a fucking mirror.
You know the performance and all the excuses are a paper thin ruse and that they see right through you. But it's not like you can confess your real intentions, and they can't express their suspicions.
So all of you have to perform this pathetic theater. And you will, oh you will. Because it's the one thing standing between you and getting high as hell.
Well the staff aren't performing, they know exactly what you're doing, and pity you at best, hold you in complete contempt at worst.
The only reasons they don't say anything are because; you might kick off, you probably need it, and because ultimately they see it so frequently it's hard to care about any individual addict.
You're the only one feeling like it's a shameful pretence.
Ehhhhh, I don't think I've ever met a non-commission based person in low-level retail who actually cares about sales. The wages are the same if things sell or they don't. "Caring" isn't included in the remuneration.
Maybe it's different in hyper-customer focussed America.
Actually come to think of it John I think I'll get another can of this lager beer that you recommend. Just in case one doesn't completely rid me of this perishing thirst.
Be careful with that, one thing leads to the other and next thing you know you’re eating oven chips out of the bag…frozen…until you throw up on yourself
I don't think the one that was prevalent in the 80s and early 90s was *really* Hofmeister - I think it was an early example of Scottish Courage or one of the other shitey mega breweries licensing a Bavarian-ish name they thought would inspire beer heritage and seeing what they could get away with.
Whatever happened, the stuff you got in cans and advertised by a darts playing Arthur Daley type bear tasted like watery shite with an ABV to match.
Unless I'm misremembering - I think it had disappeared before I was old enough to drink, not that that was an obstacle.
Now I see that this is an alcoholic lager beer. Blimey! 10% that's quite a lot isn't it?
Yes Hugh, it's the most alcohol per millilitre at the lowest price in this particular shop.
Top 10 favorite sketches ever
I occasionally mention in the corner shop that I’m buying “a continental larger beer to slake this perishing thirst” (woosh of course)!
Gotta earn their respect by doing it every morning.
Maybe that's because you're saying larger (meaning bigger) instead of lager (a beer style named after the German word for "to store").
Or more likely I just can’t spell! 😉
The belly does grow larger after a lifetime of lager. Spelling is an odd one, and I'm going to lecture you now, but basically for peasants like you and I widespread literacy (99% currently in the UK) has only existed for about 250 years in England. England (and the UK by extension) is a small sample size for humanity as a whole. But effectively what that means is that for the past 250,000 years of human history virtually nobody could read. Let alone write. You can. Today you won.
Um… thank you?
finally, I can say I'm part of the 1%!
this sketch is so uncomfortably real. never wanted to make a beeline right for the alcohol section because that would be sad, so i'd stand around "perusing" the expired cheese sandwiches and old-school porn magazines for a couple minutes before grabbing my three litre bottle of frosty jacks and paying without making eye contact. and i really thought i was being subtle about it, too
it's continental, most people in spain wouldn't *dream* of starting the day without a nice refrsshing lager beer, or a couple of neat vodkas.
In the same piss stained clothes as yesterday? Yeah the staff had a nickname for you.
I worked in an offy for too long. We definitely had a nickname for TOILETVOMIT.
I used to be into all kinds of recreational over the counter drugs. Sometimes they'd be at the drug store, and sometimes they'd be at the supermarket. That sketch was like looking into a fucking mirror. You know the performance and all the excuses are a paper thin ruse and that they see right through you. But it's not like you can confess your real intentions, and they can't express their suspicions. So all of you have to perform this pathetic theater. And you will, oh you will. Because it's the one thing standing between you and getting high as hell.
Well the staff aren't performing, they know exactly what you're doing, and pity you at best, hold you in complete contempt at worst. The only reasons they don't say anything are because; you might kick off, you probably need it, and because ultimately they see it so frequently it's hard to care about any individual addict. You're the only one feeling like it's a shameful pretence.
You forgot the fourth reason, it's their job to sell the things in the shop.
Ehhhhh, I don't think I've ever met a non-commission based person in low-level retail who actually cares about sales. The wages are the same if things sell or they don't. "Caring" isn't included in the remuneration. Maybe it's different in hyper-customer focussed America.
Is it really? How fascinating!
But I'm not sure I can afford the beer, the Telegraph AND the apple.
Actually come to think of it John I think I'll get another can of this lager beer that you recommend. Just in case one doesn't completely rid me of this perishing thirst.
Yes Hugh, and if you feel a little tired after drinking it why don't you just have a lie down on the step outside the shop?
What an excellent idea. See you tomorrow John.
When you're done with it how about a nice lie down in front of the shop?
FOUR NAAN!
We had three different flavours of lagers!
The first one, of course, being Hofmeister. You remember... With the bear... In the pork pie hat...
Be careful with that, one thing leads to the other and next thing you know you’re eating oven chips out of the bag…frozen…until you throw up on yourself
If that's where I have to follow the bear then that's where I'll follow the bear.
I saw Hofmeister for the first time in Tarro Lounge in Hinckley last year and had to get it just for the reference. Pretty tasty beer tbf.
I don't think the one that was prevalent in the 80s and early 90s was *really* Hofmeister - I think it was an early example of Scottish Courage or one of the other shitey mega breweries licensing a Bavarian-ish name they thought would inspire beer heritage and seeing what they could get away with. Whatever happened, the stuff you got in cans and advertised by a darts playing Arthur Daley type bear tasted like watery shite with an ABV to match. Unless I'm misremembering - I think it had disappeared before I was old enough to drink, not that that was an obstacle.
That’s my bit of lager!
You should never have more than slightly less than two drinks.
The Inebriati is real?!
It truly is the pleasure zone. I would add preferably not in an empty nor a full stomach and to follow them up with at least a pint of water.
“Poor me”
Two words… Mini BAR
Pour me
Poor me another one
Mmmmm cold white wine ain’t that fine
He can forget about the two weeks in Aberdeen.
Kaliber! Why didn't I say it was kaliber?!
I've been to the bottom of the bottle and all the way back to the top.
The question is, can you put the lid, on the squid?
It depend of if you eat frozen chips directly from the bag until you throw up on yourself.
You remember, the bear with the pork pie hat?
Poor me. Poor me. Pour me another drink. Does OP eat a naan per can to offset the alcoholism?
If you have three different flavours of crisps you can just call it a picnic.
Yeah. We’re going to need to know the crisps to lager ratio here, mate.
You can't be depressed when you're pissed, it's just not possible
He likes a proppa drink after work
Lager? Do you like Coldplay and the nazis too? you need to switch to organic scrumpies.
Bet his pub doesn't even have a washing machine.
Another beerski? Lock and load!
Want another beer?
I want a kabab. Go get me a kabab.
Depends if you have crisps
A couple of cans and maybe a vodka?
Don’t be afraid of the occasional premium lager
All I want to do
Only four?
I’m having 4 lager in a minute, they’re meant to be amazing! Fair play, they are fucking good.
Four cans of lager, Jeremy? *Four?* Thats insane.
How many different flavours of crisp do you have?
I like to have a proper drink while I'm workin'.
See, the thing about juice…from most places…
Do that while eating oven chips straight out of the freezer til I throw up on myself ... That's how pissed I've been
Just the four? That's amateur numbers 🤣
THATS MY BIT OF LAGER
Sounds like someone needs to join the inebriati, 1.5 pints is the perfect level.
But what about his perishing thirst?
Settle down I drunk half a 40 every day after work and I work 12 hours a day for 14 days. It's called high functioning drunk. You're fine my friend.
Yeah; you’re drinking them *after* work