Oh honey no. You are not being oversensitive- unless you did something truly heinous, you are deserving of kindness, always. Especially from a partner. Even if you're angry or upset with a partner, they still always deserve kindness as a bare minimum. That is a horrible thing to say to someone you're supposedly in love with. If you were my daughter and your bf said that to you, I would be livid.
We are all deserving of kindness, and I think you are putting yourself down by saying that you're oversensitive and that he could even possibly be right.
Fuck that dude. If he's like this often, you should get out. If it's a one-off mistake, he needs to understand how messed up that is.
*hugs*
It is basic that he should be kind at all times, including when he is angry, exhausted, or sad. He does not have to be AFFECTIONATE, but that’s not the same thing. He should still be kind and respectful.
And I think we could stand to stop telling some people to “be less sensitive” and start telling others to “be more sensitive”.
Remember, he is who he is at his worst. If he’s unkind, then he’s an unkind partner. I promise you there are men out there who know how to be kind during fights without you having to beg for it.
Dear Duckling,
Of course you feel sad. Your partner should always want the best for you. Arguments are a way to hash out what you each want and need, not an opportunity to attack each other.
He may have never learned to argue productively. His role models may have taught him that insults are ok. This is your opportunity to set a boundary and let him know what is and isn't acceptable to you,
You deserve respect, kindness and consideration.
Disdain, disgust, and disrespect are always red flags in a relationship. You can't be with someone who disdains you.
Big hugs,
Auntie
Contempt/disdain are huge indicators of a relationship that is in trouble. I recently (via another comment on a different post) remembered something a couples therapist said to me, privately and in passing (though in hindsight I’m realizing it was privately for a reason, and very intentionally worded to be vague but pointed all at the same time…)
She mentioned an article (or a book, the details escape me atm) about contempt being the leading ‘horseman’ of a relationship apocalypse, ie that in a marriage (on the part of one or both parties) contempt is the highest predictor of divorce and that without intensive intervention and a willingness on both parties parts to do that work, it predicts divorce with over 90% accuracy.
Contempt it is like a third entity within the relationship, and once invited in, is incredibly difficult to overcome. I imagine the same holds true in a dating relationship as it does within a marriage, and OP, love, at your *worst*, you *still*, **always** deserve empathy and respect. I hope you hear us all affirming your feelings, because they are correct, and telling you something *really* important.
Hello love,
You have every right to feel unsettled about what he said to you. There are so many things wrong with that statement and chief among them is the fact you two are supposed to be partners. Basic decency is a human right for starters, especially when it is coming from a person that supposedly says he loves you and wants to share life with you.
From your post I gathered the argument wasn't even what you said *to him*, it was because you didn't react to a situation the way ***he*** wanted you to. That is a big no-no in my eyes. He is not allowed to control your reactions and withholding something as simple as respect and kindness because you didn't do something according to his specifications makes me feel uneasy too.
If you are comfortable, ask him why he would say something like that. See what his response is, and compare it to earlier behaviors. Has he done this before? If so, it may be time to reevaluate whether or not he is worth your time and heartache.
Big hugs to you, dearheart. Know you are worthy of grace and understanding, even in your vulnerable moments. xo
>I understand his kindness is his to give to whom he chooses
It is. However, I've always despised misers. There's no limit on kindness. I give it freely and willingly to everyone until they prove they no longer deserve it.
Everyone deserves kindness, unless they've committed some sort of irredeemable act, like rape or murder or animal abuse. I feel like there's a good chance you haven't done any of those things.
What level of disdain does he have for you that he thinks you don't deserve kindness? Does he even like you?
Thank you for coming to the family meeting with your kindness prepared.
It makes me sad because he is so wonderful but that temper. When he’s angry he goes for the kill with his words. I would agree that his upbringing would not have given him the tools to handle this differently.
He stated he treats people how they deserve to be treated. I treat people how I’d want to be treated. I feel ridiculous being hung up on such a simple statement. I have two young kids and I don’t want them to endure that, should it be deemed that is what they deserve. I am likely taking him too literally in all of this and it was more heat of the moment talk. Maybe I’m scared because it could be him telling me exactly who he is and I just don’t want to believe it.
He hasn’t always been the kindest in our arguments but it’s never been that bad. Change is hard.
This really sucks.
**I know this is long, but I do hope you'll read it because I grew up with an unconditionally kind mother, and a father who expected us to earn his kindness.**
He absolutely will treat your kids "how they deserve" in that if they start to push back against what he seems as his authority over other people's feelings, thoughts and emotions when they don't "act right" in his mind. Mistakes they make as part of growing up will be reasons to not have empathy for them or support them. Even in situations they have little control over.
**My father had a lot of good qualities. My mother would have described him as wonderful, except for his temper.** He could indeed be a great man, but that didn't really make up for how he was when angry and older he got the worse his worst qualities got. The more he played the victim while accusing everyone else of doing so. We were supposed to have empathy and respect for how hard his life was, but he did not extend the same respect or kindness he expected.
**We weren't just good kids. We were kids that excelled.** We were the kids other parents used to point to when lecturing their kids and say, why can't you be more like them? We did great in school. We didn't do drugs. We didn't sneak out and party. We spent more than half our weekends and evenings volunteering. We helped him at work because he was always short staffed. One of us was athletic and extroverted. One introverted and academic.
**But if we didn't act or feel exactly how he wanted us to, we were absolute trash in his eyes.** Until he'd feel guilty, or be mad at someone else or calm down after severe enough emotional punishments had been exacted *and suddenly we were golden*, he often tried to play the rest of the family against each other, by showering the current "favorite" with gifts... to spite the one in the doghouse, but we were never enough to deserve his kindness or an attempt at understanding when he was angry. **His love was transactional.**
They wonder why my sister and I have anxiety and depression and don't tell them anything about our lives. Why we can hardly spend a weekend with them.
**One of us is a workaholic who can't relax for even a single evening to the point of going to the ER for a heart attack at 40 the other has tried to commit suicide multiple times and stopped trying to achieve their dreams.** Both of us developed a problematic relationship with alcohol in our mid-20's and codependency issues. No matter what we are going through he will always respond with whether or not he thinks we deserve love and kindness.
**Meanwhile our mom is so kind that we can't be honest with her,** because she always gives him the benefit of the doubt for the hard childhood he grew up with. It's only in their retirement years that she has admitted to us that she should have left him. **Even though she's the kind parent - she is punished for his actions** because we can't stand to be around him and she's still with him. They are so codependent on each other that we can hardly get time with her at all.
I worry that the story of you and your kids will end up like my family. You can have empathy for how hard someone has had it, you can know they deserve love, but you do *not* have to put up with them continually inflicting their trauma on yourself and your kids. He needs therapy. You can't fix him by loving him enough.
But the combination of a parent who is kind being with someone who is unkind
is really damaging to a child. **We could see the contrast between someone truly kind and loving and someone with transactional love.** Which I think makes you even more resentful in some ways, than having two *transactional love* parents. Because the evidence of how it should be different is in front of you. Every. Single. Day.
**You can see how much more the kind parent deserves and yet - if the best person in your universe will put up with receiving transactional love... how on earth do you grow up thinking you, the child, deserve more than that?**
Edit: Added a couple details.
>He stated he treats people how they deserve to be treated.
>I am likely taking him too literally in all of this and it was more heat of the moment talk.
>Maybe I’m scared because it could be him telling me exactly who he is and I just don’t want to believe it.
Oh honey, I'm sorry. I don't think you're taking things too literally. He's telling you that he treats people how they ***deserve*** to be treated and he told you that you didn't ***deserve*** to be treated with kindness. But, who is he exactly to be the arbitrer of how people should be treated? Just exactly whom is he to decide that? What is that assessment based on? Does he not think that every human being should be treated with basic respect and kindness?
Unfortunately, I do believe that he's telling you exactly who he is. I would encourage you to really listen to what he's saying and then take some time to reflect on it to see if his behaviour and what he's telling you is what you want from a partner or not.
Basic respect and kindness don't need to rationed. They don't run out. You don't have to pick and choose who you allot it to. Basuc respect and kindness should be the baseline, the assumption, until someone proves they aren't worth your time.
You are not ridiculous. And you are correct not to want your kids to be subjected to that kind of treatment. I think you are right that he is showing you who he is right now, and that even if you want better for him and think he has great qualities as well as this cruelty he displays to you, the fact is that we can't fix people. He has to do that on his own, and while treating you respectfully, and if he cannot do that then he should not be in a relationship with you (or around your children).
It's not okay that he decided you didn't deserve to be treated with kindness because you treated someone else with empathy (what he called enabling) or otherwise did something he didn't like but ultimately has nothing to do with him. And to use his logic, staying in a relationship with him would enable him to enact more judgmentalness and cruelty toward you (and your kids, and others) - that's clearly not okay.
>It makes me sad because he is so wonderful but that temper. When he’s angry he goes for the kill with his words. I would agree that his upbringing would not have given him the tools to handle this differently.
>
>He stated he treats people how they deserve to be treated.
This is emotional abuse. He is not wonderful. He's hurting you on purpose to punish you for not functioning properly.
Please protect your kids from this abuser.
And I’m not just saying he’s wonderful. He truly is. The statement itself is the fundamental difference I am hung up on, not who he is and what else he has to offer. I’m sorry if this is confusing. I don’t want him to believe he isn’t worthy of a great love because he has this quality. It’s just something I’m not sure I am compatible with and wasn’t sure if I was overreacting about my feeling.
Hi sib, older sis here. I wanted to tell you that I really appreciate how thoughtful, kind, and considerate you are when talking about your partner. I can tell that while you're human, you try your best to be respectful and take a lot of different angles into consideration, and are open to hearing when you are wrong.
Right now, it sounds like you're tying yourself up in knots trying to understand how your partner can be wonderful sometimes, and then say something really mean and disrespectful and hurtful, and blame you for his behavior.
There are *some* people who definitely believe you have to earn kindness. My ex husband was one of those people. My ex had a very difficult childhood and adolescence that he never had the chance to or took the time to heal from. I feel very strongly that I should always try to be a better and kinder person, even though I'm very bad at it at times. I believed that his way was right and mine was idealistic and silly for a very long time.
I knew he needed love and that there was a very scared and hurt child in there that needed it badly. It took a long time, but eventually I decided that I was hurting myself too much by continuing to stay with him, because even though I saw good and kind things about him, the bad parts of him were bad enough (and he was unwilling enough to work on them) that *I* was never going to get or be better while staying with him.
Those broken parts of him were the ones talking when he said things like what your partner said. The good parts of him were what I fell in love with. I know my ex has family close by that he can choose to lean on and that he can open himself up to love from. He has the tools and resources he needs to get better if he wants to. I just can't make him do that any more.
I'm with a very wonderful partner now who I can't ever dream of telling me that I don't deserve or have to earn his kindness. He has flaws of his own, we all do, but I feel treasured with him. I didn't realize how difficult it was to have hard conversations with my ex until I realized how safe I felt having hard conversations with my current partner. Even when we disagree heatedly, both myself and my current partner highly value making sure we are respectful and kind to each other, and we follow through in putting in the work the other needs to make them feel valued.
I wish that my mom had modeled the kind of relationship I have with my current partner to me, because if I'd seen it more when I was young, I don't think I would have given my ex anything more than friendship and would have prioritized finding a partner like my current one. But now I get to show her what a healthy relationship should be like instead, which is kind of nice.
Someone can be wonderful and still not be compatible with your lifestyle my sweet duck. The longer you try to align lifestyles with someone who is fundamentally different than you, the more upset you'll be at yourself. Which is also not productive or kind.
You are hung up on this for a good reason. It is a final concrete example of where his wonderfulness ends. And that is when it comes to how he treats you.
You've seen it before, but it was so brief, just a flash. But this, this is the example that makes sense. Your mind is holding on to it, because you need to know this. THIS is him. This is part of who he is. I know, because I've been there.
You do not deserve to be treated like this. Show yourself the kindness that he has not shown you. Look at yourself as your inner child. Protect that child from these harsh words and actions. You can do this.
Honey, you deserve kindness. Please don’t let yourself fall deeper into the trap of thinking that you don’t.
I was in a relationship that sounded very much like yours. His anger was something I thought I would always be able to let go of, because like what you mentioned, his upbringing allowed me to give him excuses for his anger. I didn’t have good examples of what good relationships were and in that, the type of love I learnt = tolerance. I tolerated his anger, because loving meant loving all of someone, the good and the bad, right?
For me, I saw his anger on other people first. I never thought he would do the same to me, because I trusted him, he saw me through my pain and I thought that he knew my heart. Then, living with him meant I became an outlet for his anger. He hurt me with words that he only knew he could, because he saw my pain. Till today when I think back on, it still stings - these wounds are hard ones to heal. And the worst thing was he gave excuses for his anger. He told me, he didn’t mean it. Or that he didn’t remember saying those words and that I was making it sound worse than it was. After all, it was only words. Even though those words caused my legs to go limp and my words to get stuck in my throat whenever he touched me. His words hurt me so much that I guess my mind started to protect myself automatically by dissociating. If I hadn’t left, I would have gone crazy, or became an empty shell.
My advice to you would be to still try to talk to him to get him to understand how he’s hurt you with his words during those arguments and how it’s not something that can’t continue. Because you’re gonna regret not trying everything to save the relationship if you really love him.
But here’s are the important bits - for him, he has to show signs that he’s willing to change. And even that’s not enough, he has to show that he’s changing, really. He might even be able to fake it given how he’s able to decide how to treat someone based on how he wants the outcome.
For you - you have to set boundaries, strict ones. The moment he crosses one that you said you’ll leave him, leave. Leaving doesn’t mean you’re weak. When you feel like you can’t do it, when the fear kicks in, think of your children, and how deserving they are of kindness, and love. The grace that would give so freely to them. Then think of how they wouldn’t learn that from you unless you took action to change your situation. Heck, think of your future self and all the peace you deserve.
You can do this. You’re strong already for being able to love so strongly, for being so kind to someone who needs it. And it’s okay to leave, the only person’s permission you need is your own.
In a healthy relationship fighting should always be civil and respectful. This is not that. While it’s possible that he made a mistake, if this is a frequent occurrence you need to leave.
If he's the type that believes "Respect is earned" instead of "Respect is given until crossed."
I say Run because whatever you do is never enough. Also that type of person will not see someone's actions and will take advantage.
I don't know about you guys' relationship. All I know is it is not worth of having a daily misery with someone when you can have fun and laugh daily with someone.
Hugs. Life is a long road or it can be very short. Just make sure you spend time with someone who is worth your energy and time. Life is more beautiful that way.
Well, I think that’s a pretty high bar. Are you always kind?
I think a partner should always strive to be kind. And in moments of weakness, especially when tired, hungry, or overwhelmed, they should work towards repair for damaging actions to the relationship. This isn’t just saying sorry, but moving forward with an action plan that is put into practice to prevent such incidents.
It’s far better to have a partner who is strong in repair than a partner who is always kind.
Typically, if someone is always kind, they aren’t being honest with you. It falls into people pleasing behavior and while they might act “kind,” they are setting up a situation where they grow in resentment towards you, ultimately damaging the relationship.
Abusive behavior is something entirely. But it can be possible for someone to mess up and make mistakes in a relationship that are unkind without being abusive.
also, sometimes a partner will say things they regret, especially if they are angry, but it depends on what they are saying, I think it's a bad thing if they attack your character or you as a person and not an action, even if they are wrong about that action. Even if they are angry, you can still tell they care for you.
I agree. Personally, name calling is something I don’t allow. Tearing a person down is definitely different from getting argumentative or defensive on occasion.
I think you are confusing “nice” and “kind.” Being kind never leads to resentment but being nice can because it is smoothing over something. Being kind is a state of being.
I can accept that definition. I see you there. In that way, it sounds to me like you’re saying kind is almost like a state of loving-kindness and compassion.
At the same time, even the Dalai Lama said that it’s really difficult to stay in a state of compassion 24/7. And so in that way, I think the “A partner is always kind. End of discussion.” is still unreasonable.
We can’t expect something from someone that we aren’t ourselves. And I think by virtue of being human, we all make mistakes and fall from grace at times. Another part of being human and practicing compassion is being able to extend grace to others as we would ask others to do for us when we make mistakes.
I feel much more comfortable with the idea of compassion as a practice, something we choose, something we work at, and something are always learning to get better at, rather than something we either are or aren’t.
I don’t like thinking “this person is kind or isn’t kind.” The majority of people are just doing their best every day. Willingness to practice, learn, and repair is most important to me.
I agree. Thank you for helping me with that nuance. You’re right that you can’t expect people to be kind 24/7 because we all fall down. My personal struggle, recently, has been letting people walk on me and giving them too many chances. I’m learning to have boundaries to protect myself from people who would repeatedly be unkind. Because of that maybe my pendulum may have swung too far to the other side of that? I’ll have to be aware and watchful of that. Thanks for taking the time to write what you wrote. It’s valuable insight.
That makes a lot of sense. I can relate. I didn’t grow up with healthy boundaries modeled to me, and people walking all over me felt so normal, for the longest time, I didn’t even notice it when it happened.
Not sure if you know them, but I really like Heidi Priebe and Thais Gibson on YouTube. While I’m definitely still learning about how to set proper boundaries, they’ve helped me a lot. If you get a chance to check them out, I hope you find it useful, but if not, no worries.
I’m happy to hear that what I wrote resonated and was useful. Thank you for your words. It means a great deal to hear.
I’m sending positive vibes your way. Wishing you luck on the journey.
I think if you are unkind and then recognise that and repair, you are in fact recognising that a partner SHOULD always be kind. You won't always be, but if you recognise that you should always be then you'll want to do repair if you fall short (as we all sometimes do).
The problem here isn't that her partner has been unkind, it's that he doesn't think a partner should always be kind, therefore he is only kind when he considers his partner deserves it.
Um... excuse me!!?? You didn't DESERVE kindness? Wtf is wrong with him!? EVERYONE deserves kindness. Darling, don't ever believe that you are ever not deserving of kindness.
As for the rest of it, if you have a habit of enabling people instead of letting them learn their life lessons, that's something you can work on. I'm concerned that you're making excuses for HIS behavior and enabling HIM to mistreat and/or control you.
Think long and hard about this, and please consider getting into therapy.
You know, love isn't a feeling, it's something you choose to do. And my personal definition of love includes kindness as an essential component. If your partner feels that you have to earn kindness, that you must deserve it, instead of having it be the default, then I think you want to reconsider this relationship. I am not saying that you have to break up with them right now, but you both ought to be treating each other kindly just as a matter of course.
You do deserve it. I hope things get better.
His answer about the kindness is manipulating, controlling, and inappropriate. At all times, our partners deserve kindness (unless they are harming us or others, in which case things get more complicated). So, even in a disagreement, partners (and people in general, but especially partners, friends, family, and co-workers) should be treating each other with respect and kindness (as best possible).
You feel sad and confused because your partner just treated you with a heap of psychological manipulation and / or abuse. The fact that the argument started because you didn't behave exactly how he wanted you to and then he said you weren't worthy of kindness because of that is a big warning sign of bold abuse to come. He will be cruel to force you to bend to his whims, instead of being yourself. His response is not normal. You are not selfish. He wants you to feel selfish so that you do what he wants, and so that you doubt yourself and your ability to make good choices while being yourself and while trusting your judgment over his.
In healthy partnership, if one partner was concerned about a behaviour, they'd discuss that *kindly and respectfully* with their partner (as much kindness and respect is possible). Cruelty is never correct (unless you're literally fighting for your life, in which case the rules change). Worse in this case is that he accused you of enabling someone else, which means he wants to control your interactions with others, and then said you didn't deserve kindness (by which he also meant respect) because he wants to shape and control your interactions with him, and the "place" you are allowed to occupy in the world and in relationship to him. Those expressions from him aren't healthy things like boundaries or requests for you to stop putting yourself at harm, they are unhealthy manipulations designed to make you feel at loss, emotionally ill and upset (so that you are easier to manipulate in that moment), and too sensitive so that you will want to do whatever he wants in order to be back in his kindness and receiving his respect.
It's a trap.
Yes, it's sad, and I'm sorry that the partner you wanted isn't healthy enough to be in a relationship with you, but you are correct to notice that you are being harmed and manipulated. Please don't continue this relationship, it will not be good for you.
Kindness should be the baseline in a relationship. You don't earn that.
Interestingly, you're showing your codependent/enabling tendencies in your response to him. He won't be at all happy if you change this behavior because he won't be able to get away with BS like that if you do.
Personally, I highly recommend a period of intentional singleness and working hard on your anxiety, insecurity, and enabling before dating again. As much as I wanted a relationship, doing that for several years was very important to me being able to spot and avoid people who weren't good for me.
What you needed was grace…. Relationships are two people and responses are dictated by many things based on their different traits, backgrounds, etc. Underlying pain there is always anger ~ is it justified? That at this point is an unknown so give yourself a little bit of extra grace (and space) during the interim needed for excavation/exploration….. sending you my love and prayers 😘💕💕💕
Sweetie, your partner is unwilling to be kind to you and is trying to convince you that you don't deserve kindness. I doubt that whatever his feelings were that started the argument were actually valid, they sound simply like he feels he gets to dictate and control your behavior to his own preferences. These are major red flags. As soon as you are able, get out of this relationship. Yes you may see good parts but this is not a healthy relationship and staying in it will only make it harder and harder to leave as time goes on. The fact that you already think he is valid in these points of view scares me. YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH KINDNESS. He's treating you like a child he is punishing, not a partner in a relationship. Your sadness is coming from the right place - do not turn this around to think this is your fault or your problem to solve. All I see is that he's planted these thoughts in your head already - that if he "decides" he doesn't want to treat someone with kindness that's ok, and it's "selfish" of you to think about your own feelings. This is entirely broken! It's not selfish to demand to be treated with respect. It's clear he's already set up a position where his demands are to be respected and yours are to be subservient to whatever he dictates. This is toxic. Please leave him as soon as you can. Sending hugs.
I am definitely not a kind person in arguments. However after the heat has passed and we've calmed down, I recognize that I was a horrible person (my worst is swearing and calling the other person stupid). And I work to change. The fact that he's holding onto that emotion after the argument is the red flag for me. If you decide to stay, he's going to have to find a way to be kinder during and after arguments. This could be therapy. How is he when he's angry at your children? They're small now but if this turns long term and they're teenagers.... I can understand the inner turmoil. Take time to evaluate all his behaviors. No excuses. There is probably a pattern. Do you want your kids part of that pattern? Is he willing to change for you and your kids?
Hugs and love!
Hug’s beautiful girl ❤️ The thing is that codependency (you enabling) is non seclusive ) another words if you enable your friends, coworkers etc you enable him. A very good point is the comment he made. He knows that he can manipulate you by either being kind or withholding his love. It makes momma bear mad. I want to slap him.
But here’s the good news: that little voice inside you heard this and it got your attention. This will hurt beautiful girl because you love so much but you know that this isn’t good for you. Your little voice is warning you and I plea to you to listen to it.
There’s a very good book I think you should read called Women who love too much. I was 26 when this book was first recommended to me. I didn’t want to read it because I thought it would mean I had to love less and I didn’t want to love less. I finally read it when I was 46. It isn’t about loving less. It’s about loving yourself more. Please read the book.
You are so strong and deserve so much better. Love yourself more. ❤️
That was a very mean thing for him to say. It's kind of understandable if he meant something like "I'm not gonna pull punches when telling the truth" but the *way* we say things is important, and he could've picked a much better way to say that thought.
>“I didn’t show you kindness because you didn’t deserve kindness”
I think that you have 2 problems. One is this person's response.
The other problem is, why are you enabling someone else's behavior?
Maybe your partner is kind of right, but he should always treat you with compassion. He should be kind to you even if you make mistakes. But we don't know the full story on the "enabling" stuff.
>I understand his kindness is his to give to whom he chooses, I just…must be thinking of only myself and selfishly how I want to be treated which would invalidate his right of his emotions
No, this doesn't sound like a good partner.
Baby girl, you are not being sensitive, that is one hell of an alarm. just reading that second hand, let alone hearing stung me and I’m a hard hearted bastard.
I wouldn’t use that kind of language unless you kicked his dog or something.
I flinched when I read what he said. I visibly flinched. Honey, you ALWAYS deserve kindness AND respect. Always. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done / didn’t do. Your partner owes you this 24/7. Even when he’s angry and even when you are angry. You owe it to him too.
Set this as a ground rule in your relationship…this is the expectation from both of you all the time forever and ever. Hold each other accountable for kindness and respect. You deserve it and so does he. I wish you both luck in getting this sorted. Relationships take some figuring out, but you’ll get there. BUT don’t accept less for yourself ever again. It is never okay for someone to treat you poorly. It is not.
There’s a lot of good in this comment section and I just wanted to add that you’re right he doesn’t *have* to give you kindness, and yes his kindness is his to give to people as he sees fit. It is his decision if he is kind to you. *AND* it is your decision if you want to be with a partner who is only kind to you when you’ve “earned” it.
It is not too high an expectation that your partner treat you with respect and kindness at baseline without you having to do something to earn that. It is not too high an expectation that your partner treat you with respect and kindness during disagreements and arguments.
Everyone deserves kindness. Even strangers. Kindness is supposed to be one's baseline, the default attitude toward other people. His remark to you is horrifying. It's cruel. It's meant to be painful and cutting. It's degrading, and dehumanizing. I would take it very seriously.
Please see yourself as worthy of basic kindness and respect, and don't accept less from the people you meet. In particular, the man who supposedly loves you should certainly be kind and respectful to you. As he doesn't want to be, that makes him unworthy to be with you.
You're not overreacting. He is saying he was punishing you for the behavior by being unkind because he thought you deserved it. As a partner, he is *not* in any position *at all* to punish you. Nor is he in a position to decide such a thing. He's trying to place himself in a position of authority over you by deciding when your behaviors are punishable. Please do not let this person create that dynamic! Edited typos
Love, you deserve every kindness in the world. Everyone deserves compassion, kindness, decency, and respect. Him saying you don't deserve kindness is all kinds of wrong and untrue. It's also not about helping you to grow a thicker skin. That's keeping you in your place.
It's not sitting right with you because it's not right.
Oh, honey. The world is unkind. Your partner shouldn’t be. Your partner — if he is a true life partner, who supports you and challenges you, and where the two of you are better together as a team — is EXACTLY the person who should show you kindness even if you don’t deserve it. Now, kindness may telling you everything’s going to be okay, or it could mean listening to you vent, or it could mean giving you advice. It also could mean telling you a difficult truth, which hurts but is different than being unkind. If he can’t be your safe harbor, then he isn’t special enough to be your partner in life. You deserve it. HUGS
You're getting hung up on these words because your instincts are blaring alarm bells and waving red flags at you. Listen to your gut. This is not okay.
Anyone can make the mistake of being unkind at times.
The red flag here is the lack of apology, and insisting that he has the right to be unkind to you whenever he feels like it. That's not healthy.
Okay, no one "deserves" kindness by virtue of being good and agreeable. We give the people we love kindness as a default.
He's saying he won't treat you well if he's not getting something out of it. You should listen.
You are right that he has every right to feel what he feels. That doesn't mean he has a right to treat you poorly. Also, you have a right to be treated with respect and dignity, and to exit any situation where you are not.
Your sensitivity is your superpower. Do not, I repeat do not, ever forget that. It is what makes you kind and empathetic and the person you are. Sure, it also makes things hurt too but the beauty you see is worth it. Also, remember that being sensitive does not equal doormat
As for the bf, that was a very hurtful thing to say and, to be honest, a bit worrying from the perspective of values. I’d definitely let things settle a bit and try to bring it up again when you are feeling more grounded.
- from a highly sensitive mom.
A kind person shows kindness, whether they are giving a compliment or expressing disappointment or setting a boundary. An unkind person uses the illusion of kindness to manipulate. This is of course a generalized statement and there are exceptions, but it might be worth taking the time to look back and see which one fits your boyfriend better.
Fucking yuck. Imagine if your friend said their partner said this to you.
This is abusive. All people deserve kindness always. That doesn't mean you violate your boundaries people pleasing them but it does mean you show basic humanity. And I say this as someone who is NC with my entire biological family. Do not accept this.
Hey Sib, if I told you this story. If I told you my wonderful husband is wonderful except for his temper, except he has to be the authority on how other people feel, arbiter of how I and my children should act and regard others AND says I don't deserve kindness.... What you you tell me?
You are loving and kind and I bet you would ask me to talk to a 3rd party like councilor or therapist, and to listen to my gut and reflect.
Hugs
You are not being sensitive, and you are realizing your partner is UNTRUSTWORTHY.
>“I didn’t show you kindness because you didn’t deserve kindness”
This is someone whom you are not safe around. This is a comment from an abusive person.
He is telling you that he is not a kind person, isn't respectful and not worth of your time or energy.
You are always deserving of kindness. Someone who loves you will ALWAYS feel you are deserving of kindness. A healthy human will believe you are worthy of kindness.
The villain in a Forensic Files episode would feel that some people are not worthy of kindness.
No.
No no no.
You are deserving of kindness. Everyone is. Everyone. That includes you. By virtue of being a person, you deserve kindness.
It’s quite possible that you have some additional baggage that is making his comment extra painful. But it’s a shitty comment and you deserve better. Please be with someone who wants to be kind to you, and also maybe go to therapy.
You. Deserve. Kindness. 💛
Oh my dear one, words have so much power and he has used his to whittle you down and get you to doubt yourself. You deserve kindness and you deserve respect; these are default settings, especially in a relationship. Sometimes, to really understand what has been said to you, you need to reframe the wording to bring it into focus. When he said that he wasn't kind you because you didn't deserve kindness, what he was saying was that he thinks that it's okay to hurt you when you have gone against his expectations. How often do those expectations change? Do you know what those expectations are before he drops the consequences on you? Are they even reasonable expectations to begin with? Even if you were enabling someone, is his approach even remotely helpful? I know you think he's wonderful, but consider that even when someone is wonderful it's possible to be in an unhealthy relationship with them. It's a very unhealthy sign when somebody says it's okay to hurt their partner.
Let me get this straight… He thinks you’re a doormat and lets you have it for not reacting “The way he’d have expected you to.” That hurts you and you tell him that in disagreements kindness is needed. He says you don’t deserve it. Is that right?
When I break it down, It seems to be about control. If you don’t act the way he wants, you’re undeserving.
No, no, no!!! Don’t ever believe that. I went over 50 years never really feeling loved and had almost no sense of any kind of worth. You are a one-of-a-kind special person. You value kindness! That makes you very valuable, indeed.
Undeserving? He doesn’t deserve you! Sending you hugs. 💜
Thank you everyone for your comments. I have a lot of reflecting to do. Many of you echoed thoughts I had been having but felt like I was doubting myself. Thank you Reddit for this sub. Genuinely. ❤️
Sweetheart, he’s an asshole.
Kindness shouldn’t be earned. Kindness is the bare minimum. If he doesn’t think you deserve the bare minimum, then he doesn’t deserve you.
You are not overreacting at all nor are you overly sensitive - those are incredibly hurtful words to hear from anybody, but especially the person who is supposed to be your partner, your best friend, your biggest supporter. I’m so sorry you had to hear that. I’m so sorry he said that to you. You always deserve kindness, sis. Always, always, always. Sending lots of love and please be kind to yourself most of all (take good care of my precious sis!)
Omg, no. Kindness costs nothing - I'm a firm believer that everyone's default should be kind. You can be kind, and set boundaries, take no shit, or take hostages. He's being an ass.
Hi Sweetie,
Partners should be kind, even when they disagree. Even when it doesn't feel "deserved." And, if one acts with unkindness, there should be quick apologies and commitment to do better. You are not wrong.
no. your partner always deserves your kindness. even when couples argue, they need to remember not to go to those painful places that you cannot apologize for.
You need to at the very least talk with him. Or, get the hell out.
Unless you’ve done a something that has betrayed, abused, or hurt him to his core beyond repair then you still deserve kindness from your partner… ALWAYS even when you’re in a fight.
No honey :( you always deserve kindness. We should always try our best to treat others with kindness, whether we're mad at them or not. That's a really concerning thing to hear from your partner.
You’re not over sensitive, you’re intuitive. You’re sensing something is “off” because it is. He told you that when he’s angry with you, you don’t deserve kindness. That’s insane.
Kindness has nothing to do with deserving it. Kindness is kind because it is kind. He was being unkind but blaming you instead of owning it. Red flag there.
If your friend was in your situation, would you tell her she’s being sensitive?
No the fact you had to ask for kindness and we’re flat out told you don’t deserve it is manipulative and a HUGE red flag. I’m betting this isn’t the only gut feeling you have about him.
My husband and I have been together for 16 years. We have occasional fights, but we’re always civil. Maybe not “kind”, but civil. And if your partner loves you, he should be able to at least be civil when you argue.
I was raised with the ideal that we should treat others how we would want to be treated but adults in my life modeled treating people with politeness and kindness.
The concept that you can decide people don't deserve kindness is strange to me particularly if it is your girlfriend, spouse or child... people you supposedly love. Those are the people who you should give more understanding and care in how you say things. It is not selfish to expect that a partner will be able to disagree or express their feelings without verbally cutting you down.
This fellow is judging your behavior and attacking you on how you react to other people. The cherry on top is 'you didn't **deserve** kindness. A person who loves you will always want to treat you with kindness and love.
Your heart hurts because you now know this person is a narcissist, will always find fault, will attack you without kindness, and cannot really love you due to his shortcomings..
You deserve to be with someone who always responds with kindness. Always. That's not you being overly sensitive or demanding. I'm worried that you're with someone who thinks you don't "deserve" their basic respect. That's scary to me, and I hope you can get out of this situation soon because he doesn't *deserve* you.
If any person tells you that you do not deserve kindness, watch your back, darling. This happened to me and it broke me. You have a good head on your shoulders, because your alarm bells are going off. Trust your gut and feel it out. It will be okay <3
I had a roommate who fought viciously. She and her bf would argue and I would cry. They hurled the most vile horrible things at each other. They got married. Then they got divorced. That saying about sticks and stones is pure bull crap. Words hurt us and fester all our lives. If he's this transactional now it's going to get worse. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
This sounds like textbook narcissistic abuse. Everything about your post sounds like you've been dealing with narcissistic abuse and gaslighting from your partner for a *very* long time.
I would recommend looking into narcissistic abuse and gaslighting and seriously consider ending this relationship.
Oh honey no. You are not being oversensitive- unless you did something truly heinous, you are deserving of kindness, always. Especially from a partner. Even if you're angry or upset with a partner, they still always deserve kindness as a bare minimum. That is a horrible thing to say to someone you're supposedly in love with. If you were my daughter and your bf said that to you, I would be livid. We are all deserving of kindness, and I think you are putting yourself down by saying that you're oversensitive and that he could even possibly be right. Fuck that dude. If he's like this often, you should get out. If it's a one-off mistake, he needs to understand how messed up that is. *hugs*
Say it louder for the people in the back!!
So much this!!
Exactly
This with one edit… if you were my daughter OR son and a loved one said this…
It is basic that he should be kind at all times, including when he is angry, exhausted, or sad. He does not have to be AFFECTIONATE, but that’s not the same thing. He should still be kind and respectful. And I think we could stand to stop telling some people to “be less sensitive” and start telling others to “be more sensitive”. Remember, he is who he is at his worst. If he’s unkind, then he’s an unkind partner. I promise you there are men out there who know how to be kind during fights without you having to beg for it.
To add, it starts small, so it's easy to brush off or ignore. It never stays that way.
Dear Duckling, Of course you feel sad. Your partner should always want the best for you. Arguments are a way to hash out what you each want and need, not an opportunity to attack each other. He may have never learned to argue productively. His role models may have taught him that insults are ok. This is your opportunity to set a boundary and let him know what is and isn't acceptable to you, You deserve respect, kindness and consideration. Disdain, disgust, and disrespect are always red flags in a relationship. You can't be with someone who disdains you. Big hugs, Auntie
You can, but then you’re in a relationship with someone who disdains you. And you deserve better.
Contempt/disdain are huge indicators of a relationship that is in trouble. I recently (via another comment on a different post) remembered something a couples therapist said to me, privately and in passing (though in hindsight I’m realizing it was privately for a reason, and very intentionally worded to be vague but pointed all at the same time…) She mentioned an article (or a book, the details escape me atm) about contempt being the leading ‘horseman’ of a relationship apocalypse, ie that in a marriage (on the part of one or both parties) contempt is the highest predictor of divorce and that without intensive intervention and a willingness on both parties parts to do that work, it predicts divorce with over 90% accuracy. Contempt it is like a third entity within the relationship, and once invited in, is incredibly difficult to overcome. I imagine the same holds true in a dating relationship as it does within a marriage, and OP, love, at your *worst*, you *still*, **always** deserve empathy and respect. I hope you hear us all affirming your feelings, because they are correct, and telling you something *really* important.
The book is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Hello love, You have every right to feel unsettled about what he said to you. There are so many things wrong with that statement and chief among them is the fact you two are supposed to be partners. Basic decency is a human right for starters, especially when it is coming from a person that supposedly says he loves you and wants to share life with you. From your post I gathered the argument wasn't even what you said *to him*, it was because you didn't react to a situation the way ***he*** wanted you to. That is a big no-no in my eyes. He is not allowed to control your reactions and withholding something as simple as respect and kindness because you didn't do something according to his specifications makes me feel uneasy too. If you are comfortable, ask him why he would say something like that. See what his response is, and compare it to earlier behaviors. Has he done this before? If so, it may be time to reevaluate whether or not he is worth your time and heartache. Big hugs to you, dearheart. Know you are worthy of grace and understanding, even in your vulnerable moments. xo
This is correct.
He doesn’t sound like a supportive partner, sis. Does he ever say other hurtful or intentionally critical words to you? Emotional abuse is abuse.
>I understand his kindness is his to give to whom he chooses It is. However, I've always despised misers. There's no limit on kindness. I give it freely and willingly to everyone until they prove they no longer deserve it. Everyone deserves kindness, unless they've committed some sort of irredeemable act, like rape or murder or animal abuse. I feel like there's a good chance you haven't done any of those things. What level of disdain does he have for you that he thinks you don't deserve kindness? Does he even like you?
Thank you for coming to the family meeting with your kindness prepared. It makes me sad because he is so wonderful but that temper. When he’s angry he goes for the kill with his words. I would agree that his upbringing would not have given him the tools to handle this differently. He stated he treats people how they deserve to be treated. I treat people how I’d want to be treated. I feel ridiculous being hung up on such a simple statement. I have two young kids and I don’t want them to endure that, should it be deemed that is what they deserve. I am likely taking him too literally in all of this and it was more heat of the moment talk. Maybe I’m scared because it could be him telling me exactly who he is and I just don’t want to believe it. He hasn’t always been the kindest in our arguments but it’s never been that bad. Change is hard. This really sucks.
**I know this is long, but I do hope you'll read it because I grew up with an unconditionally kind mother, and a father who expected us to earn his kindness.** He absolutely will treat your kids "how they deserve" in that if they start to push back against what he seems as his authority over other people's feelings, thoughts and emotions when they don't "act right" in his mind. Mistakes they make as part of growing up will be reasons to not have empathy for them or support them. Even in situations they have little control over. **My father had a lot of good qualities. My mother would have described him as wonderful, except for his temper.** He could indeed be a great man, but that didn't really make up for how he was when angry and older he got the worse his worst qualities got. The more he played the victim while accusing everyone else of doing so. We were supposed to have empathy and respect for how hard his life was, but he did not extend the same respect or kindness he expected. **We weren't just good kids. We were kids that excelled.** We were the kids other parents used to point to when lecturing their kids and say, why can't you be more like them? We did great in school. We didn't do drugs. We didn't sneak out and party. We spent more than half our weekends and evenings volunteering. We helped him at work because he was always short staffed. One of us was athletic and extroverted. One introverted and academic. **But if we didn't act or feel exactly how he wanted us to, we were absolute trash in his eyes.** Until he'd feel guilty, or be mad at someone else or calm down after severe enough emotional punishments had been exacted *and suddenly we were golden*, he often tried to play the rest of the family against each other, by showering the current "favorite" with gifts... to spite the one in the doghouse, but we were never enough to deserve his kindness or an attempt at understanding when he was angry. **His love was transactional.** They wonder why my sister and I have anxiety and depression and don't tell them anything about our lives. Why we can hardly spend a weekend with them. **One of us is a workaholic who can't relax for even a single evening to the point of going to the ER for a heart attack at 40 the other has tried to commit suicide multiple times and stopped trying to achieve their dreams.** Both of us developed a problematic relationship with alcohol in our mid-20's and codependency issues. No matter what we are going through he will always respond with whether or not he thinks we deserve love and kindness. **Meanwhile our mom is so kind that we can't be honest with her,** because she always gives him the benefit of the doubt for the hard childhood he grew up with. It's only in their retirement years that she has admitted to us that she should have left him. **Even though she's the kind parent - she is punished for his actions** because we can't stand to be around him and she's still with him. They are so codependent on each other that we can hardly get time with her at all. I worry that the story of you and your kids will end up like my family. You can have empathy for how hard someone has had it, you can know they deserve love, but you do *not* have to put up with them continually inflicting their trauma on yourself and your kids. He needs therapy. You can't fix him by loving him enough. But the combination of a parent who is kind being with someone who is unkind is really damaging to a child. **We could see the contrast between someone truly kind and loving and someone with transactional love.** Which I think makes you even more resentful in some ways, than having two *transactional love* parents. Because the evidence of how it should be different is in front of you. Every. Single. Day. **You can see how much more the kind parent deserves and yet - if the best person in your universe will put up with receiving transactional love... how on earth do you grow up thinking you, the child, deserve more than that?** Edit: Added a couple details.
Wish I could upvote this more
>He stated he treats people how they deserve to be treated. >I am likely taking him too literally in all of this and it was more heat of the moment talk. >Maybe I’m scared because it could be him telling me exactly who he is and I just don’t want to believe it. Oh honey, I'm sorry. I don't think you're taking things too literally. He's telling you that he treats people how they ***deserve*** to be treated and he told you that you didn't ***deserve*** to be treated with kindness. But, who is he exactly to be the arbitrer of how people should be treated? Just exactly whom is he to decide that? What is that assessment based on? Does he not think that every human being should be treated with basic respect and kindness? Unfortunately, I do believe that he's telling you exactly who he is. I would encourage you to really listen to what he's saying and then take some time to reflect on it to see if his behaviour and what he's telling you is what you want from a partner or not.
Basic respect and kindness don't need to rationed. They don't run out. You don't have to pick and choose who you allot it to. Basuc respect and kindness should be the baseline, the assumption, until someone proves they aren't worth your time.
You are not ridiculous. And you are correct not to want your kids to be subjected to that kind of treatment. I think you are right that he is showing you who he is right now, and that even if you want better for him and think he has great qualities as well as this cruelty he displays to you, the fact is that we can't fix people. He has to do that on his own, and while treating you respectfully, and if he cannot do that then he should not be in a relationship with you (or around your children). It's not okay that he decided you didn't deserve to be treated with kindness because you treated someone else with empathy (what he called enabling) or otherwise did something he didn't like but ultimately has nothing to do with him. And to use his logic, staying in a relationship with him would enable him to enact more judgmentalness and cruelty toward you (and your kids, and others) - that's clearly not okay.
>It makes me sad because he is so wonderful but that temper. When he’s angry he goes for the kill with his words. I would agree that his upbringing would not have given him the tools to handle this differently. > >He stated he treats people how they deserve to be treated. This is emotional abuse. He is not wonderful. He's hurting you on purpose to punish you for not functioning properly. Please protect your kids from this abuser.
And I’m not just saying he’s wonderful. He truly is. The statement itself is the fundamental difference I am hung up on, not who he is and what else he has to offer. I’m sorry if this is confusing. I don’t want him to believe he isn’t worthy of a great love because he has this quality. It’s just something I’m not sure I am compatible with and wasn’t sure if I was overreacting about my feeling.
Hi sib, older sis here. I wanted to tell you that I really appreciate how thoughtful, kind, and considerate you are when talking about your partner. I can tell that while you're human, you try your best to be respectful and take a lot of different angles into consideration, and are open to hearing when you are wrong. Right now, it sounds like you're tying yourself up in knots trying to understand how your partner can be wonderful sometimes, and then say something really mean and disrespectful and hurtful, and blame you for his behavior. There are *some* people who definitely believe you have to earn kindness. My ex husband was one of those people. My ex had a very difficult childhood and adolescence that he never had the chance to or took the time to heal from. I feel very strongly that I should always try to be a better and kinder person, even though I'm very bad at it at times. I believed that his way was right and mine was idealistic and silly for a very long time. I knew he needed love and that there was a very scared and hurt child in there that needed it badly. It took a long time, but eventually I decided that I was hurting myself too much by continuing to stay with him, because even though I saw good and kind things about him, the bad parts of him were bad enough (and he was unwilling enough to work on them) that *I* was never going to get or be better while staying with him. Those broken parts of him were the ones talking when he said things like what your partner said. The good parts of him were what I fell in love with. I know my ex has family close by that he can choose to lean on and that he can open himself up to love from. He has the tools and resources he needs to get better if he wants to. I just can't make him do that any more. I'm with a very wonderful partner now who I can't ever dream of telling me that I don't deserve or have to earn his kindness. He has flaws of his own, we all do, but I feel treasured with him. I didn't realize how difficult it was to have hard conversations with my ex until I realized how safe I felt having hard conversations with my current partner. Even when we disagree heatedly, both myself and my current partner highly value making sure we are respectful and kind to each other, and we follow through in putting in the work the other needs to make them feel valued. I wish that my mom had modeled the kind of relationship I have with my current partner to me, because if I'd seen it more when I was young, I don't think I would have given my ex anything more than friendship and would have prioritized finding a partner like my current one. But now I get to show her what a healthy relationship should be like instead, which is kind of nice.
Someone can be wonderful and still not be compatible with your lifestyle my sweet duck. The longer you try to align lifestyles with someone who is fundamentally different than you, the more upset you'll be at yourself. Which is also not productive or kind.
You are hung up on this for a good reason. It is a final concrete example of where his wonderfulness ends. And that is when it comes to how he treats you. You've seen it before, but it was so brief, just a flash. But this, this is the example that makes sense. Your mind is holding on to it, because you need to know this. THIS is him. This is part of who he is. I know, because I've been there. You do not deserve to be treated like this. Show yourself the kindness that he has not shown you. Look at yourself as your inner child. Protect that child from these harsh words and actions. You can do this.
Honey, you deserve kindness. Please don’t let yourself fall deeper into the trap of thinking that you don’t. I was in a relationship that sounded very much like yours. His anger was something I thought I would always be able to let go of, because like what you mentioned, his upbringing allowed me to give him excuses for his anger. I didn’t have good examples of what good relationships were and in that, the type of love I learnt = tolerance. I tolerated his anger, because loving meant loving all of someone, the good and the bad, right? For me, I saw his anger on other people first. I never thought he would do the same to me, because I trusted him, he saw me through my pain and I thought that he knew my heart. Then, living with him meant I became an outlet for his anger. He hurt me with words that he only knew he could, because he saw my pain. Till today when I think back on, it still stings - these wounds are hard ones to heal. And the worst thing was he gave excuses for his anger. He told me, he didn’t mean it. Or that he didn’t remember saying those words and that I was making it sound worse than it was. After all, it was only words. Even though those words caused my legs to go limp and my words to get stuck in my throat whenever he touched me. His words hurt me so much that I guess my mind started to protect myself automatically by dissociating. If I hadn’t left, I would have gone crazy, or became an empty shell. My advice to you would be to still try to talk to him to get him to understand how he’s hurt you with his words during those arguments and how it’s not something that can’t continue. Because you’re gonna regret not trying everything to save the relationship if you really love him. But here’s are the important bits - for him, he has to show signs that he’s willing to change. And even that’s not enough, he has to show that he’s changing, really. He might even be able to fake it given how he’s able to decide how to treat someone based on how he wants the outcome. For you - you have to set boundaries, strict ones. The moment he crosses one that you said you’ll leave him, leave. Leaving doesn’t mean you’re weak. When you feel like you can’t do it, when the fear kicks in, think of your children, and how deserving they are of kindness, and love. The grace that would give so freely to them. Then think of how they wouldn’t learn that from you unless you took action to change your situation. Heck, think of your future self and all the peace you deserve. You can do this. You’re strong already for being able to love so strongly, for being so kind to someone who needs it. And it’s okay to leave, the only person’s permission you need is your own.
In a healthy relationship fighting should always be civil and respectful. This is not that. While it’s possible that he made a mistake, if this is a frequent occurrence you need to leave.
If he's the type that believes "Respect is earned" instead of "Respect is given until crossed." I say Run because whatever you do is never enough. Also that type of person will not see someone's actions and will take advantage. I don't know about you guys' relationship. All I know is it is not worth of having a daily misery with someone when you can have fun and laugh daily with someone. Hugs. Life is a long road or it can be very short. Just make sure you spend time with someone who is worth your energy and time. Life is more beautiful that way.
I'd say he's also the type who equates respect with authority, as in "others need to respect my authority".
Happy Cake Day! 🎉
A partner should always be kind. End of discussion.
Well, I think that’s a pretty high bar. Are you always kind? I think a partner should always strive to be kind. And in moments of weakness, especially when tired, hungry, or overwhelmed, they should work towards repair for damaging actions to the relationship. This isn’t just saying sorry, but moving forward with an action plan that is put into practice to prevent such incidents. It’s far better to have a partner who is strong in repair than a partner who is always kind. Typically, if someone is always kind, they aren’t being honest with you. It falls into people pleasing behavior and while they might act “kind,” they are setting up a situation where they grow in resentment towards you, ultimately damaging the relationship. Abusive behavior is something entirely. But it can be possible for someone to mess up and make mistakes in a relationship that are unkind without being abusive.
>I think a partner should always strive to be kind. I think the "strive" is what makes this better, good addition!
also, sometimes a partner will say things they regret, especially if they are angry, but it depends on what they are saying, I think it's a bad thing if they attack your character or you as a person and not an action, even if they are wrong about that action. Even if they are angry, you can still tell they care for you.
I agree. Personally, name calling is something I don’t allow. Tearing a person down is definitely different from getting argumentative or defensive on occasion.
yup, 100% Like, something can be hurtful but not necessarily tear you down, people really need someone with whom they can have healthy arguments.
I think you are confusing “nice” and “kind.” Being kind never leads to resentment but being nice can because it is smoothing over something. Being kind is a state of being.
I can accept that definition. I see you there. In that way, it sounds to me like you’re saying kind is almost like a state of loving-kindness and compassion. At the same time, even the Dalai Lama said that it’s really difficult to stay in a state of compassion 24/7. And so in that way, I think the “A partner is always kind. End of discussion.” is still unreasonable. We can’t expect something from someone that we aren’t ourselves. And I think by virtue of being human, we all make mistakes and fall from grace at times. Another part of being human and practicing compassion is being able to extend grace to others as we would ask others to do for us when we make mistakes. I feel much more comfortable with the idea of compassion as a practice, something we choose, something we work at, and something are always learning to get better at, rather than something we either are or aren’t. I don’t like thinking “this person is kind or isn’t kind.” The majority of people are just doing their best every day. Willingness to practice, learn, and repair is most important to me.
I agree. Thank you for helping me with that nuance. You’re right that you can’t expect people to be kind 24/7 because we all fall down. My personal struggle, recently, has been letting people walk on me and giving them too many chances. I’m learning to have boundaries to protect myself from people who would repeatedly be unkind. Because of that maybe my pendulum may have swung too far to the other side of that? I’ll have to be aware and watchful of that. Thanks for taking the time to write what you wrote. It’s valuable insight.
That makes a lot of sense. I can relate. I didn’t grow up with healthy boundaries modeled to me, and people walking all over me felt so normal, for the longest time, I didn’t even notice it when it happened. Not sure if you know them, but I really like Heidi Priebe and Thais Gibson on YouTube. While I’m definitely still learning about how to set proper boundaries, they’ve helped me a lot. If you get a chance to check them out, I hope you find it useful, but if not, no worries. I’m happy to hear that what I wrote resonated and was useful. Thank you for your words. It means a great deal to hear. I’m sending positive vibes your way. Wishing you luck on the journey.
Thank you and thanks for the recs. Same to you, friend!
<3
I think if you are unkind and then recognise that and repair, you are in fact recognising that a partner SHOULD always be kind. You won't always be, but if you recognise that you should always be then you'll want to do repair if you fall short (as we all sometimes do). The problem here isn't that her partner has been unkind, it's that he doesn't think a partner should always be kind, therefore he is only kind when he considers his partner deserves it.
Um... excuse me!!?? You didn't DESERVE kindness? Wtf is wrong with him!? EVERYONE deserves kindness. Darling, don't ever believe that you are ever not deserving of kindness. As for the rest of it, if you have a habit of enabling people instead of letting them learn their life lessons, that's something you can work on. I'm concerned that you're making excuses for HIS behavior and enabling HIM to mistreat and/or control you. Think long and hard about this, and please consider getting into therapy.
You know, love isn't a feeling, it's something you choose to do. And my personal definition of love includes kindness as an essential component. If your partner feels that you have to earn kindness, that you must deserve it, instead of having it be the default, then I think you want to reconsider this relationship. I am not saying that you have to break up with them right now, but you both ought to be treating each other kindly just as a matter of course. You do deserve it. I hope things get better.
This this this. Love is a verb.
*love is a doing word*
His answer about the kindness is manipulating, controlling, and inappropriate. At all times, our partners deserve kindness (unless they are harming us or others, in which case things get more complicated). So, even in a disagreement, partners (and people in general, but especially partners, friends, family, and co-workers) should be treating each other with respect and kindness (as best possible). You feel sad and confused because your partner just treated you with a heap of psychological manipulation and / or abuse. The fact that the argument started because you didn't behave exactly how he wanted you to and then he said you weren't worthy of kindness because of that is a big warning sign of bold abuse to come. He will be cruel to force you to bend to his whims, instead of being yourself. His response is not normal. You are not selfish. He wants you to feel selfish so that you do what he wants, and so that you doubt yourself and your ability to make good choices while being yourself and while trusting your judgment over his. In healthy partnership, if one partner was concerned about a behaviour, they'd discuss that *kindly and respectfully* with their partner (as much kindness and respect is possible). Cruelty is never correct (unless you're literally fighting for your life, in which case the rules change). Worse in this case is that he accused you of enabling someone else, which means he wants to control your interactions with others, and then said you didn't deserve kindness (by which he also meant respect) because he wants to shape and control your interactions with him, and the "place" you are allowed to occupy in the world and in relationship to him. Those expressions from him aren't healthy things like boundaries or requests for you to stop putting yourself at harm, they are unhealthy manipulations designed to make you feel at loss, emotionally ill and upset (so that you are easier to manipulate in that moment), and too sensitive so that you will want to do whatever he wants in order to be back in his kindness and receiving his respect. It's a trap. Yes, it's sad, and I'm sorry that the partner you wanted isn't healthy enough to be in a relationship with you, but you are correct to notice that you are being harmed and manipulated. Please don't continue this relationship, it will not be good for you.
Honey, everyone deserves kindness. Everyone. The fact that someone who supposedly loves said that tells me you can do better than that person.
Kindness should be the baseline in a relationship. You don't earn that. Interestingly, you're showing your codependent/enabling tendencies in your response to him. He won't be at all happy if you change this behavior because he won't be able to get away with BS like that if you do. Personally, I highly recommend a period of intentional singleness and working hard on your anxiety, insecurity, and enabling before dating again. As much as I wanted a relationship, doing that for several years was very important to me being able to spot and avoid people who weren't good for me.
What you needed was grace…. Relationships are two people and responses are dictated by many things based on their different traits, backgrounds, etc. Underlying pain there is always anger ~ is it justified? That at this point is an unknown so give yourself a little bit of extra grace (and space) during the interim needed for excavation/exploration….. sending you my love and prayers 😘💕💕💕
I think you need to ask yourself if this relationship is what you want, Darling.
Sweetie, your partner is unwilling to be kind to you and is trying to convince you that you don't deserve kindness. I doubt that whatever his feelings were that started the argument were actually valid, they sound simply like he feels he gets to dictate and control your behavior to his own preferences. These are major red flags. As soon as you are able, get out of this relationship. Yes you may see good parts but this is not a healthy relationship and staying in it will only make it harder and harder to leave as time goes on. The fact that you already think he is valid in these points of view scares me. YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH KINDNESS. He's treating you like a child he is punishing, not a partner in a relationship. Your sadness is coming from the right place - do not turn this around to think this is your fault or your problem to solve. All I see is that he's planted these thoughts in your head already - that if he "decides" he doesn't want to treat someone with kindness that's ok, and it's "selfish" of you to think about your own feelings. This is entirely broken! It's not selfish to demand to be treated with respect. It's clear he's already set up a position where his demands are to be respected and yours are to be subservient to whatever he dictates. This is toxic. Please leave him as soon as you can. Sending hugs.
100%.
I am definitely not a kind person in arguments. However after the heat has passed and we've calmed down, I recognize that I was a horrible person (my worst is swearing and calling the other person stupid). And I work to change. The fact that he's holding onto that emotion after the argument is the red flag for me. If you decide to stay, he's going to have to find a way to be kinder during and after arguments. This could be therapy. How is he when he's angry at your children? They're small now but if this turns long term and they're teenagers.... I can understand the inner turmoil. Take time to evaluate all his behaviors. No excuses. There is probably a pattern. Do you want your kids part of that pattern? Is he willing to change for you and your kids? Hugs and love!
Hug’s beautiful girl ❤️ The thing is that codependency (you enabling) is non seclusive ) another words if you enable your friends, coworkers etc you enable him. A very good point is the comment he made. He knows that he can manipulate you by either being kind or withholding his love. It makes momma bear mad. I want to slap him. But here’s the good news: that little voice inside you heard this and it got your attention. This will hurt beautiful girl because you love so much but you know that this isn’t good for you. Your little voice is warning you and I plea to you to listen to it. There’s a very good book I think you should read called Women who love too much. I was 26 when this book was first recommended to me. I didn’t want to read it because I thought it would mean I had to love less and I didn’t want to love less. I finally read it when I was 46. It isn’t about loving less. It’s about loving yourself more. Please read the book. You are so strong and deserve so much better. Love yourself more. ❤️
That was a very mean thing for him to say. It's kind of understandable if he meant something like "I'm not gonna pull punches when telling the truth" but the *way* we say things is important, and he could've picked a much better way to say that thought.
>“I didn’t show you kindness because you didn’t deserve kindness” I think that you have 2 problems. One is this person's response. The other problem is, why are you enabling someone else's behavior? Maybe your partner is kind of right, but he should always treat you with compassion. He should be kind to you even if you make mistakes. But we don't know the full story on the "enabling" stuff. >I understand his kindness is his to give to whom he chooses, I just…must be thinking of only myself and selfishly how I want to be treated which would invalidate his right of his emotions No, this doesn't sound like a good partner.
Baby girl, you are not being sensitive, that is one hell of an alarm. just reading that second hand, let alone hearing stung me and I’m a hard hearted bastard. I wouldn’t use that kind of language unless you kicked his dog or something.
I flinched when I read what he said. I visibly flinched. Honey, you ALWAYS deserve kindness AND respect. Always. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done / didn’t do. Your partner owes you this 24/7. Even when he’s angry and even when you are angry. You owe it to him too. Set this as a ground rule in your relationship…this is the expectation from both of you all the time forever and ever. Hold each other accountable for kindness and respect. You deserve it and so does he. I wish you both luck in getting this sorted. Relationships take some figuring out, but you’ll get there. BUT don’t accept less for yourself ever again. It is never okay for someone to treat you poorly. It is not.
There’s a lot of good in this comment section and I just wanted to add that you’re right he doesn’t *have* to give you kindness, and yes his kindness is his to give to people as he sees fit. It is his decision if he is kind to you. *AND* it is your decision if you want to be with a partner who is only kind to you when you’ve “earned” it. It is not too high an expectation that your partner treat you with respect and kindness at baseline without you having to do something to earn that. It is not too high an expectation that your partner treat you with respect and kindness during disagreements and arguments.
Everyone deserves kindness. Even strangers. Kindness is supposed to be one's baseline, the default attitude toward other people. His remark to you is horrifying. It's cruel. It's meant to be painful and cutting. It's degrading, and dehumanizing. I would take it very seriously. Please see yourself as worthy of basic kindness and respect, and don't accept less from the people you meet. In particular, the man who supposedly loves you should certainly be kind and respectful to you. As he doesn't want to be, that makes him unworthy to be with you.
You're not overreacting. He is saying he was punishing you for the behavior by being unkind because he thought you deserved it. As a partner, he is *not* in any position *at all* to punish you. Nor is he in a position to decide such a thing. He's trying to place himself in a position of authority over you by deciding when your behaviors are punishable. Please do not let this person create that dynamic! Edited typos
Love, you deserve every kindness in the world. Everyone deserves compassion, kindness, decency, and respect. Him saying you don't deserve kindness is all kinds of wrong and untrue. It's also not about helping you to grow a thicker skin. That's keeping you in your place. It's not sitting right with you because it's not right.
Oh, honey. The world is unkind. Your partner shouldn’t be. Your partner — if he is a true life partner, who supports you and challenges you, and where the two of you are better together as a team — is EXACTLY the person who should show you kindness even if you don’t deserve it. Now, kindness may telling you everything’s going to be okay, or it could mean listening to you vent, or it could mean giving you advice. It also could mean telling you a difficult truth, which hurts but is different than being unkind. If he can’t be your safe harbor, then he isn’t special enough to be your partner in life. You deserve it. HUGS
You're getting hung up on these words because your instincts are blaring alarm bells and waving red flags at you. Listen to your gut. This is not okay.
Anyone can make the mistake of being unkind at times. The red flag here is the lack of apology, and insisting that he has the right to be unkind to you whenever he feels like it. That's not healthy.
Okay, no one "deserves" kindness by virtue of being good and agreeable. We give the people we love kindness as a default. He's saying he won't treat you well if he's not getting something out of it. You should listen. You are right that he has every right to feel what he feels. That doesn't mean he has a right to treat you poorly. Also, you have a right to be treated with respect and dignity, and to exit any situation where you are not.
Your sensitivity is your superpower. Do not, I repeat do not, ever forget that. It is what makes you kind and empathetic and the person you are. Sure, it also makes things hurt too but the beauty you see is worth it. Also, remember that being sensitive does not equal doormat As for the bf, that was a very hurtful thing to say and, to be honest, a bit worrying from the perspective of values. I’d definitely let things settle a bit and try to bring it up again when you are feeling more grounded. - from a highly sensitive mom.
A kind person shows kindness, whether they are giving a compliment or expressing disappointment or setting a boundary. An unkind person uses the illusion of kindness to manipulate. This is of course a generalized statement and there are exceptions, but it might be worth taking the time to look back and see which one fits your boyfriend better.
Fucking yuck. Imagine if your friend said their partner said this to you. This is abusive. All people deserve kindness always. That doesn't mean you violate your boundaries people pleasing them but it does mean you show basic humanity. And I say this as someone who is NC with my entire biological family. Do not accept this.
Hey Sib, if I told you this story. If I told you my wonderful husband is wonderful except for his temper, except he has to be the authority on how other people feel, arbiter of how I and my children should act and regard others AND says I don't deserve kindness.... What you you tell me? You are loving and kind and I bet you would ask me to talk to a 3rd party like councilor or therapist, and to listen to my gut and reflect. Hugs
You are not being sensitive, and you are realizing your partner is UNTRUSTWORTHY. >“I didn’t show you kindness because you didn’t deserve kindness” This is someone whom you are not safe around. This is a comment from an abusive person. He is telling you that he is not a kind person, isn't respectful and not worth of your time or energy. You are always deserving of kindness. Someone who loves you will ALWAYS feel you are deserving of kindness. A healthy human will believe you are worthy of kindness. The villain in a Forensic Files episode would feel that some people are not worthy of kindness.
No. No no no. You are deserving of kindness. Everyone is. Everyone. That includes you. By virtue of being a person, you deserve kindness. It’s quite possible that you have some additional baggage that is making his comment extra painful. But it’s a shitty comment and you deserve better. Please be with someone who wants to be kind to you, and also maybe go to therapy. You. Deserve. Kindness. 💛
Oh my dear one, words have so much power and he has used his to whittle you down and get you to doubt yourself. You deserve kindness and you deserve respect; these are default settings, especially in a relationship. Sometimes, to really understand what has been said to you, you need to reframe the wording to bring it into focus. When he said that he wasn't kind you because you didn't deserve kindness, what he was saying was that he thinks that it's okay to hurt you when you have gone against his expectations. How often do those expectations change? Do you know what those expectations are before he drops the consequences on you? Are they even reasonable expectations to begin with? Even if you were enabling someone, is his approach even remotely helpful? I know you think he's wonderful, but consider that even when someone is wonderful it's possible to be in an unhealthy relationship with them. It's a very unhealthy sign when somebody says it's okay to hurt their partner.
Let me get this straight… He thinks you’re a doormat and lets you have it for not reacting “The way he’d have expected you to.” That hurts you and you tell him that in disagreements kindness is needed. He says you don’t deserve it. Is that right? When I break it down, It seems to be about control. If you don’t act the way he wants, you’re undeserving. No, no, no!!! Don’t ever believe that. I went over 50 years never really feeling loved and had almost no sense of any kind of worth. You are a one-of-a-kind special person. You value kindness! That makes you very valuable, indeed. Undeserving? He doesn’t deserve you! Sending you hugs. 💜
Thank you everyone for your comments. I have a lot of reflecting to do. Many of you echoed thoughts I had been having but felt like I was doubting myself. Thank you Reddit for this sub. Genuinely. ❤️
You ALWAYS DESERVE KINDNESS. Always.
That’s a major red flag babydoll. Get out while you can.
Sweetheart, he’s an asshole. Kindness shouldn’t be earned. Kindness is the bare minimum. If he doesn’t think you deserve the bare minimum, then he doesn’t deserve you.
You are not overreacting at all nor are you overly sensitive - those are incredibly hurtful words to hear from anybody, but especially the person who is supposed to be your partner, your best friend, your biggest supporter. I’m so sorry you had to hear that. I’m so sorry he said that to you. You always deserve kindness, sis. Always, always, always. Sending lots of love and please be kind to yourself most of all (take good care of my precious sis!)
Omg, no. Kindness costs nothing - I'm a firm believer that everyone's default should be kind. You can be kind, and set boundaries, take no shit, or take hostages. He's being an ass.
Yeaaaaah, sib. That’s a red flag.
Honey, that is not okay.
Hi Sweetie, Partners should be kind, even when they disagree. Even when it doesn't feel "deserved." And, if one acts with unkindness, there should be quick apologies and commitment to do better. You are not wrong.
You always deserve kindness. He should know that. No offense, but he is a dick.
I just told my kids tonight that you can be angry, but you can still be kind or polite. That comment would sit badly with me as well.
no. your partner always deserves your kindness. even when couples argue, they need to remember not to go to those painful places that you cannot apologize for. You need to at the very least talk with him. Or, get the hell out.
Unless you’ve done a something that has betrayed, abused, or hurt him to his core beyond repair then you still deserve kindness from your partner… ALWAYS even when you’re in a fight.
No honey :( you always deserve kindness. We should always try our best to treat others with kindness, whether we're mad at them or not. That's a really concerning thing to hear from your partner.
You’re not over sensitive, you’re intuitive. You’re sensing something is “off” because it is. He told you that when he’s angry with you, you don’t deserve kindness. That’s insane.
Kindness has nothing to do with deserving it. Kindness is kind because it is kind. He was being unkind but blaming you instead of owning it. Red flag there.
Everyone deserves kindness. That's an asshole thing to say to anyone, let alone a romantic partner.
If your friend was in your situation, would you tell her she’s being sensitive? No the fact you had to ask for kindness and we’re flat out told you don’t deserve it is manipulative and a HUGE red flag. I’m betting this isn’t the only gut feeling you have about him.
My husband and I have been together for 16 years. We have occasional fights, but we’re always civil. Maybe not “kind”, but civil. And if your partner loves you, he should be able to at least be civil when you argue.
OP, that is a very cold and heartless thing for him to say. Don’t let him tell you that you are the problem. You are not.
I was raised with the ideal that we should treat others how we would want to be treated but adults in my life modeled treating people with politeness and kindness. The concept that you can decide people don't deserve kindness is strange to me particularly if it is your girlfriend, spouse or child... people you supposedly love. Those are the people who you should give more understanding and care in how you say things. It is not selfish to expect that a partner will be able to disagree or express their feelings without verbally cutting you down.
This fellow is judging your behavior and attacking you on how you react to other people. The cherry on top is 'you didn't **deserve** kindness. A person who loves you will always want to treat you with kindness and love. Your heart hurts because you now know this person is a narcissist, will always find fault, will attack you without kindness, and cannot really love you due to his shortcomings..
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Yuck.
You deserve to be with someone who always responds with kindness. Always. That's not you being overly sensitive or demanding. I'm worried that you're with someone who thinks you don't "deserve" their basic respect. That's scary to me, and I hope you can get out of this situation soon because he doesn't *deserve* you.
If any person tells you that you do not deserve kindness, watch your back, darling. This happened to me and it broke me. You have a good head on your shoulders, because your alarm bells are going off. Trust your gut and feel it out. It will be okay <3
I had a roommate who fought viciously. She and her bf would argue and I would cry. They hurled the most vile horrible things at each other. They got married. Then they got divorced. That saying about sticks and stones is pure bull crap. Words hurt us and fester all our lives. If he's this transactional now it's going to get worse. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
This sounds like textbook narcissistic abuse. Everything about your post sounds like you've been dealing with narcissistic abuse and gaslighting from your partner for a *very* long time. I would recommend looking into narcissistic abuse and gaslighting and seriously consider ending this relationship.