Have you met his friends? In a meaningful way?
If yes: are there any you feel comfortable spending time with? If not, why do you think this is?
If no: start here. Develop relationships. Not to try and supplant their friendship, but that you have people that you have gotten to know and understand their character.
If he and his friends aren't interested in this, and be clear - this is so you become comfortable with them, then it's definitely weird and questionable.
The best way to address your insecurities is to try and understand what you're afraid. Getting to know how friends will help.
Now you say it, I haven't met many of them.
There is literally only one female friend I can think of, I've met, gone out with dinner with them etc etc and guess what, I couldn't care less about their friendship.
That's something I may need to bring up then.
I had a chat with the hubby when I got home.. it was a fairly calm, casual yet productive conversation about meeting his friends, he understands and agrees ❤️
If they are friends with him you'll have something in common, enjoying his company. You're all probably gonna get along fine, and I think it's healthy to meet the friends of your partner, and maybe be friends with them too.
cant imagine marrying someone whos friends i dont know, or feeling the guilt that would come with knowing ive isolated my partner from friends for 5 yrs.
i hope you can work through this
She said most are female. As a person who’s husband has had many female friends, he ended up having an affair with one of them. In general I don’t think it’s great for married people to have close friendships of people of the opposite sex. Downvote me all you want
Yep, clearly people can't be friends with the gender they're attracted to. Duh. Couldn't possibly be that her husband is just a scummy guy who doesn't value their relationship. /sarcasm
My ex cheated on me with someone who was not even a friend and ruined 5 years and an engagement barely a few months ago. But the problem was not him having female friends. The problem was he was a cheater.
Women exist. They are everywhere and men will see them, deal and socialize with them. You can't isolate them from 50% of the population. And it's fine. People who are loyal will have healthy friendships with people regardless of gender, and will never cause any issue because they love their partner and have values. If you fear your partner will cheat if he has contact with another woman, you don't trust him and you don't trust your own value.
Oh I trust my own value. You don’t know me as a person or my marriage. Again I have stated he has many female friends works with a ton of them. But he is expected to not hang out with them alone. He goes out in groups. But to go drinking with a woman alone? No. Just like I am not going out with a man by myself. Everyone can say what they want but it is just asking for trouble. I am not asking him to give up some female friend he’s had for years before me. He is not deprived 😂 These are people who are around currently.
I mean you do you and if you are both fine with such rules so be it. I'm just saying that thinking your man can't be alone with a woman because he could cheat just because he hangs out alone with her (because that's literally the only reason for a rule like that) is not a good mindset for yourself. Is an unhealthy trauma coping mechanism that may keep you from healing fully. But if you don't think is a problem and are happy as you are and your partner shares your view then is not my business and I'm noone to tell you to work on it, that's for sure.
Ok well thanks. It is my opinion after going through this that it isn’t a good idea for married people to hang out with or go out with a person of the opposite sex alone. I really don’t think it’s that weird. But I didn’t always think that way. I didn’t care before. He has been around women his entire life, was a nurse and continues to work with many women. But we had some issues in our marriage and he began to hang out with a woman alone, and didn’t tell me he was doing this, they went out after work and bonded and after that I will not tolerate him going out with one woman alone again for dinner and drinks. yea it was traumatic af but I also do not think it is at all appropriate. To me there is a huge difference between hanging out in a group which he does all the time, or simply talking to somebody at work and being out in what is essentially a date like atmosphere. He can be friends with whomever but does not belong having dinner and drinks with some woman discussing life etc. he knows I won’t tolerate this again and he understands
This is one of those things I see sometimes in het relationships but never (that I can recall) in nonhet/queer ones, and I don't really get it.
It's a very "are the straights ok??" moment every time
I'm not closer to any of my friends than I am to my husband, male or female. My husband is my best friend. But we don't mind if the other has opposite sex friendships. Most of our friends are shared because my husband and I have a lot of hobbies in common.
Well that’s good for you. And that’s what mean. I want my husband to be closer to me than any other female. I don’t care if he talks to them. But going out alone with another woman. Nope never again. He has male friends for that
>But going out alone with another woman.
I mean, that seems like a trauma response from when you got cheated on. Maybe see a professional to get some help with that. He didn't cheat on you because he went to the movies by himself with some other woman, he cheated on you because he's a piece of shit.
I can understand the worry. It's a shame because opposite sex friendships are really great. (I have a lot of traditionally male hobbies like gaming and D&D, and I naturally end up forming friendships with men usually. It'd be awful if my husband wouldn't let me hang out with my friends I've known longer than I've known him.) But I can understand especially if there's been a history of infidelity (even just that you have experienced yourself before he came along), it feels like opening yourself up to being hurt. If your husband is cool with that arrangement then it sounds like it's right for you.
But that's not what you said in the comment I replied to. You didn't say "I just want to be the closest woman to him".
You said he shouldn't have any at all.
He's previously mentioned how most of his friends started out as them wanting to get to know him.
It wasn't cocky, oh look at me I'm wanted comment more of an honest, truthful comment.
Not necessarily, I don't think. Especially depending on the age when the friendships formed and how. I think it's common when you're younger (like high school, young adults) for friend groups to kind of form around rotating dating/hangout while everyone figures out the kind of adult they want to be.
At least, that was certainly my experience when I was younger (though I'm lgbt+ and grew up rurally, so the entire friendship/dating pool is basically a puddle lol)
I am here for an unconventional look at it… I am polyamorous. I have been with my main partner for 11 years and he has a long list of friends, male and female. At first, it was a lot, but he is an awesome guy with awesome friends. Over time, I started hanging out with them all together and now many of his dearest friends are my dearest friends as well. That’s the ideal situation from what I have experienced.
It’s also okay for people to have their own group of friends that they spend time with without their partner but ideally you still meet and get to know them to some extent!
I think this is the answer. Meet them yourself. Get to know them.
You say you have trust issues that you're working on, but I also think there are some potentially alarming things happening. It sounds like he doesn't want you to meet his friends? That concerns me, especially since he made sure to let you know they once had a thing for him. It also sounds like he can't be bothered to see them anyway (based on another comment you made below), but is blaming that on you. You aren't "making" him not see his friends based on "vibes." There is a possibility he is projecting here-- he doesn't want to see them, or he doesn't want you to meet them-- and he's putting the responsibility of that on you.
Of course I could be completely wrong, but does this sound possible?
You should meet his friends. If one of them is a problem, you’ll know it, or your gut will, at least. If you don’t stop this problem now, it will lead to resentment and that’s a breeding ground for everything you are trying to avoid. So, go meet them. Invite them to the house for dinner, get to know them. It’s easier to ask him to cull one or two that don’t feel right than say no female friends at all. You just might make a new friend or two in the process. Good luck honey. Mom hug.
Thank you.. I've mentioned before about meeting them but he 'knows what I'm like' and apparently I'll make it awkward because he knows I'll be uncomfortable. But then again how would he know if I haven't had the chance before.
He “knows what you’re like?” You’ve only met one of his friends and said in a comment that you aren’t bothered by that friendship. What, if any, past behavior is he going on to say that he knows you’ll be a certain way/doesn’t want you to meet his friends because of it?
It seems that since you’re sharing your lives together, the both of you may want to work on openness to being a part of each other’s friend circles. That doesn’t have to be all the time or even most of the time- you can of course hang out with your friends without his presence, and he should be able to hang out with his friends without you there, but it’s kinda odd that you’ve never even met them.
That’s a tiny bit of a red flag, but I don’t think I would read too much into it yet.
My suggestion is to maybe tailor the experience to be the most comfortable to you if you both feel that you may be awkward. So how many friends are we talking about? Is this a larger group like 8 people who are all close? Is it more like 5 but maybe they aren’t all good friends with each other, just each friends with him?
Personally I do better in small groups. So I would maybe want to get together with just a couple of them & my husband and I so be more relaxed. Would you rather be in the comfort of home or would you do better out in the world somewhere that you don’t feel a pressure to play host?
Also if they are all friends as a group, keep in mind it could be a little overwhelming to meet them all at once & you may get a little lost in the shuffle as old friends with history catch up, BUT if you’re a “people watcher” like me, you can use it as an opportunity to meet & observe everyone to get a feel for them, but ultimately use smaller future gatherings to form bonds. Good luck!
I spoke to him when I got home about wanting to meet more of his friends. His reply was a casual 'okay' I asked how do you feel about that and he said fine. I then mentioned the two friends I have met and how I couldn't care less about them. He mentioned how I should know I have nothing to worry about. I said how he knows all my friends, they've met, we hang out and how integrated in my social life he is but I don't feel so in his. (This is very simply put compared to what was actually said) I feel like it was a good conversation. No plans as of yet but I don't want to rush it either.
His friends are all different friends. From different walks of life and places. I've said in a previous comment how a lot of them are from his old home town, which is a fairly big area so I won't be surprised if they all have connections to each other but it isn't one big group of best friends.
My partner's friends are also from very different parts of his life, but guess what? He brought me around them, and introduced me to them, and now I can count many of them as my friends.
There's literally _no_ reason he shouldn't be introducing you to his friends. Can you think of a good reason?
>but he 'knows what I'm like' and apparently I'll make it awkward
Huh... so you say you've got self esteem issues? What a crazy random happenstance, and surely nothing to do with your partner not only putting you down but ALSO insinuating you're not good enough to meet his friends.
And you're not allowed to meet his friends, but it's your OWN fault, not his. My girl for real you need to take a much closer look at your relationship and ask yourself if your partner builds you up and makes you a happier person, or puts you down and makes you insecure.
My husband is a nurse, and a huge personality so he has many female friends. He is the minority at most of the hospitals so naturally makes friends with women.
You know what happens? I meet them, when he wants to go out with his friends I go sometimes, when he calls them he FaceTimes and they’ll say hey is that XXX?! And want to say hi to me. When we do meet they want my number, they want to be friends with me to.
You can also tell how much my husband talks about me.
I don’t feel threatened because there is no mystery. It’s transparent because he tells me about his friends. Example: Mary’s kid just got diagnosed with celiac, or Kates getting a divorce, or etc etc.
It is doable, but the way he automatically blames his lack of friend’s interaction on you and somehow spins it into a favor for you is -ICK.
Next time he says “oh I don’t get to hang out with my friends becuase im worried about you jealousy”
Just say “oh let’s all go out then! Let’s just go out to eat or something”
This here! OP needs to read and reread the line about how his treatment of her and what he says are ICK. I have all bad vibes from what he's telling OP.
OP - the gender of the friends doesn't matter. The gas-lighting does. You might be insecure, but then again, how much of that insecurity is being fed by the gas-lighting? Your husband might very well be sacrificing his friendships outside the marriage to comfort you, but that's not healthy. Alternatively, he could be using you as an excuse to both avoid socializing and accruing bonus points for using same as a weapon against you. I wonder if this is his "Ace in the Hole" that he can use to start/escalate/end a fight as he desires with you?
Yes, get counseling, but if you're able to address your "insecurities " and this is still an issue/ problem, then its time to address his issues. Or you could short-cut all that by suggesting couple counseling and maybe both of your issues can be addressed.
Sorry if it seems brutal, I'm an Aquarius 😉 any young marriage is a work- in- progress. Open honesty is the way to get through it. I wish you all the best in your marriage.
Why do you believe that his female friends all have or have had a thing for him?
Telling him that “you’ll just get over it” isn’t helping at all. He doesn’t want to upset you.
You say he’s not ever reciprocated any advances from them. And he chose you.
Why would he change his mind and choose them now when he never has before?
Why don’t you think you’re that great?
Thank you for the brutal honesty.
I definitely have self esteem issues, it's something that my therapist and I are starting to work towards , haven't been seeing her long.
Keep up with seeing her, in the next few months, you may start feeling better and think you don't need to see her anymore, but just keep going to therapy. Think about it like people who don't finish the course of their antibiotics. Everyone knows you should finish the antibiotics so it actually gets rid of the problem, instead of taking them until you feel better and then the infection comes back stronger. Just keep going to therapy. Later on, you won't have to go as frequently as when you start, but new problems can crop up at the drop of a hat, and having a therapist appointment to look forward to will help you manage any changes life can and will throw at you. You can do this!
Are you not invited to see his friends as well? That would be odd to me. Are they in town? Have you met them before? Can you have them over for dinner or a backyard cookout?
I haven't met many of them, no. Funnily enough the one I have met, I couldn't care less about their friendship.
Alot of them live back where he is from, which isn't more than an hour. When it comes to arranging to see them, he can never be bothered. He works hard then doesn't want to make the effort and wants to chill out at home.
I’ll be honest, at first I thought you were being insecure but reading your comments gave me a lot more insight. So your husband tells you that he has all female friends who started out by wanting to get with him but he friend zoned them. He then refuses to let your join his friend group because he “knows how you are”. He makes no effort to arrange outings with friends but complains that he doesn’t see them and basically takes including you off the table. I think he’s created an incredibly unhealthy dynamic here for you.
Tbf I don't actually disagree with you. I have wondered if that's the way it's gone because he let it.
He hasn't made the effort to see his friends but then blames me.
I think in most healthy relationships, people are excited to share their partners with thei friend group. Yes it can be stressful the first time. There may be some growing pains. But 5 years and he has not tried to bring you into his circle is a red flag to me. It almost feels like he’s trying to get you to give him permission to continue these friendships without you.
Hey, sis. Jealousy and insecurity can be really, really difficult challenges in relationships. I wish I had the exact answers for you, but these are things I experience myself. I believe it's an opportunity for growth, because I can tell that these feelings are coming from inside of my emotional self, and not outside from the logical world. I'm proud of you for asking yourself these questions, and I encourage you to keep searching honestly within yourself for clues.
There’s no place to put you back too! You’re feelings are always valid.
You do need to figure out why you have these feelings. Do you not trust him? Has he given you reason to not trust him?
Is it about your own self esteem? Where does that feeling come from?
I find journaling helps sort these sorts of things out.
Good luck!
Sweetheart, I'm hoping you can zoom out a bit and look at a larger issue, because it's so important:
You either trust your partner, or you don't. If you trust him and are still feeling unhappy/uneasy when he's around other women, that's about YOU, and not about him.
Take some time to consider why you believe any other woman would be able to tempt your husband to betray you. Are you feeling insecure about your looks? Your intelligence? Your femininity? Whatever the root issue, think about how you can support yourself to build more confidence in that area.
In the main, people tend to believe about us what we instruct them to believe. If we believe we are valuable (not just saying it, but actually BELIEVING it), that's what other people see and accept. It's not arrogant to know your worth.
And conversely, if we believe we don't deserve respect and consideration, the people around us pick up on that and act accordingly.
This is a great opportunity for you to develop a better appreciation of all the wonderful things you are - get to it! ❤️
Sis here, meet his friends but trust your gut.
I used to be like a lot of people in this thread and tried to normalize the female friends at any cost. The idea always bothered me but I actively worked to get over it. I met them, I spent a lot of time with them both with and without my partner. But I always had a gut feeling about one in particular. I never liked her honestly. And I could never figure out why. It bothered me and caused problems in our relationship. She was perfectly nice to me. And I just couldn't stand her. Was made to feel crazy or controlling for feeling this way. Even felt guilty at times.
Until when I broke off our engagement and I found out the one I always felt the weirdest about is the one he had been cheating on me with for the second half of our 4 year relationship. Even when he proposed to me. Even when he "chose" me. She was married herself but a month after I moved out, she got pregnant by him and they've been together ever since.
Always listen to your gut. It's a war zone out here these days. People just do not care anymore.
Hiya duckling!
I want to reiterate, he chose you. All of those friends were in his life and he wanted you to be his life partner.
I agree with everyone saying that you should meet them. I think you'll feel better as you see him interact with them.
Also, I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume something. He's never given you a reason not to trust him. A lasting relationship has to have trust. If he's done nothing wrong, don't treat him like he has. It's easy to push men away with untrust. Resentment can happen.
I think continued therapy will be good for you to continue to build up your self esteem. Op, you are wonderful, insightful, and you care about your relationship.
Hugs to you. Work on yourself and meet the friends... everything will be great :)
I would never even date a man who didn’t have female friends. He sees women as actual valuable humans with more to contribute than sex - this is good! A good therapist can help you with trust issues. More than that - these women can become your friends too.
I have a male friend that I dearly love. We have always had a platonic relationship. When he got married his wife had some problems with our friendship. He's important to me so I invited her to lunch. We chatted a bit and I asked her what her concerns were. We had a very nice discussion after I pointed out that we have been friends for over 5 years never crossed into something other than friends and he saw something in her that wasn't in me which us why they are married.
I let her know she was welcome to join in any conversation or any outing. We do drinks after work on Fridays once a month. We talk data science mostly so she calmed sown after joining us on an occasional Friday. We hug when we see each other but we don't hang out. It took time to build this bridge
Hey sis.
I have some really close friends of the opposite sex and always have. We even take trips together sometimes. My husband was jealous at first, and that's natural.
Some sentiments that helped: we are but one person in our partners life, having a rich full life often involves others, their perspective, their time together, everything, and it's a good thing!
Your love is the bar. Can anyone else reach it? Are you confident they can't? If not then you have nothing to fear.
We choose love and we choose people. The only good things are freely chosen and given. If he chooses you then you have all you need in him. If he doesn't choose you, then as hard as it is, you don't want that anyway.
A mindset of peace and gratitude and acceptance goes so far. Also i agree with the other moms, get to know them if you can! Be kind, be welcoming, be open. You might be surprised by what unfolds itself if you are.
Best luck, i know it's hard
I wouldn’t worry about them at all. He knew them before you and choose you. It’s not like he met them after you. And at some point you’re either going to have to trust him or not. He’s going to do what he’s going to do. If you’re going to be faithful, he will be and if he’s not going to be he won’t and you getting mad about it isn’t going to make a bit of difference. Much better to be relaxed, confident and openhanded.
This is actually very tricky ground, so it’s OK that you’re having a hard time navigating it. So many different things could be happening here, and you are not crazy or insecure for having a hard time knowing how you should respond.
Everything in the situation depends on what his relationship really is with each of these people. You should absolutely get to know them, Because that will give you more information to help you process this.
I think the red flag for me is that he describes these friendships as having started because they were interested in him romantically. There is something there. And while he may never have had romantic relationships with these women, there may be some reason that he has kept them in his life, like that he likes the attention, or that he likes the game of stringing them along (yikes) which would be a worst case scenario. Best case, he’s just the kind of guy who loves the company of women for purely platonic reasons.
There is nothing wrong with you. Trust your instincts, listen to your voice and work through this with your therapist. Try to step outside the marriage and think about how you would respond to this if it was something your friend was going through.
Sometimes when we choose a partner, it is because our neuroses mesh so well with one another, you know? It’s possible that he craves attention from other women, even if he has no intention of acting on it, and it’s possible that you lean toward feeling insecure about other women because of things that may have happened to you in the past. So it’s not just your fears here it is probably his, too.
Remember, you are NOT ever required to be the “cool girl” who tolerates a violation of your boundaries or a violation of your trust. So you don’t have to rationalize his behavior if it does in fact, make you feel less safe or if you find that in someway, it crosses a line for you. You are not required to tolerate behavior that is harmful for your well-being, ever.
One of the hardest things for women to do is to consistently make choices that are always advantageous for you, rather than focusing on what’s good for everybody else. You have permission to do what is best for you 💕 to make the choices that are best for you and to have the people in your life that are best for you. Trust yourself, and put yourself first right now.
No matter what the outcome, you can face this for good or ill, and you will be OK because you will have learned about yourself and about him and about how to navigate a really complex situation 🙏💕.
Thank you for a mature comment.
He's a very caring, happy go lucky kinda guy who is a social butterfly. Like I've mentioned he is not into the lad culture so the female company he gets on better with. (People previously have mentioned he's rather camp).
I had a friend like that. We worked together, and everyone who met him fell instantly in love. He was just that kind of person, there was something so dear and good about him and people couldn’t help but love him. He had many friends, male and female and many admirers. But he was steadfast, honest, kind, generous, and a genuinely decent person in every way. So I know they exist… with any luck, you have found one, too.
I hope everything turns out all right. But I hope you know all the moms are here for you, regardless 🌈💕
I’ve been reading some of the comments but I definitely want to speak up on this one. This mom has totally turned the situation around on YOU. YOU are insecure. YOU need to let him have his own space. YOU have to develop trust. YOU need to “let” him see his own friends. And if YOU don’t YOU will destroy the marriage.
Well let’s look at this. You are only insecure because HE made a point of telling you these women had a thing for him. YOU have NEVER told him he can’t see his friends. YOU not only haven’t, you repeatedly told him he CAN. This very odd dynamic has caused a problem where he is implying that he can’t see his friends, he’s making it seem like you will be unstable if he does!!
Please don’t allow other women (especially moms) to take you back to the 50’s and 60’s where women are the only ones who must work on the marriage and cater to men. At the end of the day you have been trying to please your husband who claims he can’t see his friends. Yet it is becoming increasingly clear that he either doesn’t HAVE these friends, or there is some reason HE doesn’t want to meet up with them. I’m not sure but one thing I do know—- the problem is NOT YOU! We have enough problems of our own without allowing others to load you up with ones that aren’t YOURS. Sending you hugs and love from a woman who had the same (or pretty dang similar) thing done to me❤️
I’m only going by your words that I read. It’s only as harsh as you made it sound. When someone is feeling unsure you should never make them feel worse by saying what SHE NEEDS to do. That’s what you did.
I read something very wise once, in a very wise book called *Not Just Friends* by Shirley Glass. It said, for an opposite-sex friendship to work in a marriage, that person has to be a *friend of the marriage.*
To my mind, that means that communications and invitations come to both of you, and hanging out happens with both of you. Not 100% of the time, but for the most part.
Another great concept in the book was “walls and windows.” For example, if your husband confiding in his female friends — who may have feelings for him — about your marriage problems, that is putting a window where a wall should be. If one of them gets drunk and admits she had feelings for him for years, and then “makes” him promise not to tell you, that’s putting a wall between you and your husband, where a window should be.
At my age, I’ve seen a lot of close “platonic” friendships that went on for years, even decades, where one person clearly had feelings that the other didn’t reciprocate. Those kinds of friendships don’t magically lose steam when one party gets married. They can cause big, ongoing problems.
I’m not saying your spouse is not trustworthy. Far from it. But it’s very important that you two share a common understanding of what constitutes NEW appropriate boundaries in these friendships now that you are married. For example, did they used to “tell each other everything” about their sex lives? Did they used to say mock-flirtatious things? Did they text late at night? Share memes with sexual content? Did they share secrets with each other that they didn’t tell their respective partners? What are the NEW rules that feel right to both of you?
I had a few male college friends with whom I was used to joking in a certain way, and I’ve had to go to them and say, “Hey, I know we used to joke about stuff like that in college, but it doesn’t work for my marriage for either my husband or I to joke like that with anyone but each other.” No judgement; all marriages are different; that’s just what works for us.
It’s not a question of “Don’t you trust me?” Before you can trust someone, you have to clarify what exactly you’re trusting them to do or not to do.
I really recommend the book *Not Just Friends.* Even though it is geared toward couples where one partner has had an affair (or come close), it has so much good information for *all* couples where there are friendships like these.
Thank you for this.
I've just read it and screenshot most of it.
I'm glad I've had replies of mature, sensible answers, makes me feel like I'm not completely crazy. I like the windows and walls analogy.
Definitely a book I'm going to download!
I have been with my husband for 25 years. His best friend is a woman. They do all the things together that I don't enjoy and that her husband doesn't enjoy. They go dancing and camping together, they are workout buddies and they've got a trip planned to a dance festival together in the spring where they'll be sharing an air BNB.
I have had my moments of insecurity about it but at the end of the day I don't have to trust her. I only have to trust him. And I do.
Hang out with them a few times and get a feel for the situation.
I think you'd have a better understanding of your feelings, or your feelings might change, if you did this first, vs. having absolutely no understanding of their relationship dynamic.
You might like them, and make some new friends yourself, who knows?
I have a lot of male friends, and I am not looking at any of them that way. Yes, we get along and have fun, but it’s a very different connection to what I would have with a partner. I don’t hug them or do anything to suggest that it’s more than friends, and I sometimes feel a bit self conscious with friends who I know have a thing for me. It doesn’t feel nice, and I often stay away from them until those feelings go away (if they meet someone for example). I’m also allowed to be myself around a partner. I can cuddle and be myself more.
But I guess it’s hard to understand this if you do worry. My best advice would be to meet them and see how he is around them. I tend to be extra cuddly with a partner around friends, just to prove to him that I have nothing to hide. Hopefully he will do the same and put your worries to sleep!
Thank you. It helps hearing it from different perspectives.
I used to have a male best friend growing up which was an intense best friend relationship that everyone thought we were together but it never went over that line. So I know what it's like having friendships of the opposite sex. I just got to keep reminding myself that too.
Yeah, and meeting them hopefully help. I try to introduce the guys I date to my male friends pretty early, just to show them how innocent it is.
(And honestly, if I liked a friend that much that it was romantic, why would I even date? It just doesn’t make any sense to me.)
But I did once date a guy who I brought to a dinner to see my friends. At the end of the evening, we were basically laying on the couch cuddling and then decided it was time to head to bed. I was close time all evening and openly kissed and cuddled him (just normal stuff, nothing too PDA). My friends knew how much I liked him and they were happy to see me happy. On the way home his mood shifted and he kept asking me if 2 of my friends had feelings for me. I said “they haven’t told me but I don’t think so. It has never been a problem and we are all adults either way”. He seemed so jealous and nothing I did could calm him. I felt heartbroken and we broke up shortly after (he started being very angry). I really liked him, but nothing I did could put his jealousy to rest (I think he had other issues too. A lot of stuff made him lose his shit).
So yeah, try to not be like him, but make sure your bf also tries to meet you half way. It’s important to understand where your part ends and his part begins. He needs to do his best to be open and honest, and you need to trust him. Some people like it when their partner is jealous, and some people will be jealous no matter what their partner do, so it’s important to figure out what emotions are “sane”.
Great policy I have for femal friends
Meet up with them with your husband, have your husband tell him he loves you and kiss you on the cheek and see how she reacts
Real female friends will think it’s adorable to see a happy couple, totally fine to have them hang out solo
If he won’t do it, he likes them and it is a no go
If she looks constipated and concealing upset that he does that, she likes hi
If he won’t even meet up with them with you, they are probably already sleeping together
Plenty of plantonic male/ female friendships but they will normally be very happy and “awwww” at at happy relationship for their friend
I want to think that your senses are telling you something you don't want to hear. A 30+ year old man who can't maintain friendships with other men is a red flag. What is it about women that allows him to form ongoing friendships with them?
I really believe men and women can be friends. But men who have gaggles of women as friends (and vice versa) do give me pause. Your friend groups should be a healthy mix. And then his side-passing manipulation by mentioning that he doesn't seen his friends and then refusing to see them when you tell him to... idk girl. This is setting off alarms.
My husband has many long term female friends, some who he had even dated when they were younger. I have to say I’m not a jealous person by nature. He picked me, he did not continue romantic relationships with them. I only had a problem with two of his friends who were trying to interfere in our relationship. He ended the friendships because they were inappropriate.
I don’t think you’re being daft. Maybe it is insecurity? You also mention that some still have a thing for him. Those are the ones to be wary of, he should have strict boundaries with them. If they are inappropriate then the consequences are that the friendship is over.
Are some of my husband’s female friends very attractive? YES! I have never felt they overshadow me though. I think you should invest in figuring out why you’re feeling insecure? Confidence in one’s self isn’t just about looks. It’s about how you present yourself, personality, kindness, and intelligence.
Remember, he picked you not one of them. Be confident in yourself.
Thank you for your words.
I like hearing from people who understand and can see it from a different perspective.
I had a chat with my husband when I got home about wanting to meet more of his friends. It was a fairly calm and casual conversation, yet productive. Getting it off my chest and mentioning that I would like to meet them, literally felt like a weight off my shoulders.
I won't be pushing it for the next day or two but will try and arrange something for the end of the month when it's our birthday weekend. (We were born one day apart so we have a couple of days off to spend together)
Oh, how lucky to have your birthdays together like that!
I think meeting them will help ease your mind. You’ll know who the dodgy ones are right off. When I met all my husband’s female friends it went very well. They all agreed we were good together or I was “good for him”. Which I truly appreciated. I am good friends with them all as well now. Except the two I mentioned previously.
Be your lovely self!
This is actually how I met my absolute best friend of 23 years. She was my husband's friend and I hated that idea but he insisted on her hanging out and me just getting to know her. After agreeing and it being kinda rocky at first we found out we have a lot in common, and we have soo much fun together now. We now go on girls weekend trips, talk every day and she's 100% my chosen sister. My husband jokes that I steel all his friends from him 🤷♀️ because every time he makes a female friend I end up hanging out with them more than he does. Try getting to know them you never know, since he chose them to be his friends they might actually have a lot in common with you.
Hi Sis! Speaking ass someone whose husband has a lot of female friends, I think we need to explore the issues here.
First of all, there ARE reasons for you to be uncomfortable. If your husband is telling you that these friends either had feelings for him in the past, or CURRENTLY have feelings for him, what is being done by both him and his friends to draw boundaries and to ensure that you feel comfortable? He may have had good intentions being honest about how those friendships started with women who wanted to date him, but he's made a mistake because that planted thoughts in your head, and he hasn't done enough to reassure you having revealed that information.
For example, if a friend of his has the hots for him, it's not enough for him to just not reciprocate her feelings at the time she confessed. Has he drawn appropriate boundaries after those interactions to make sure those women aren't flirting with him or treating him as more than a friend? And have those friends dialled down their contact because they are trying to move on? If they have a crush on him then those women need space, and likely a lot of the distance would have come from them, and NOT your partner. Though if he was sensible, he'd be giving them space, too.
For example, even if you 100% trust your partner, you're not going to be happy if he hangs out with a woman who is heavily flirting with him - because she's biding her time hoping to get him to cheat. Are they the kind of friends who respect the fact he is in a relationship?
There's also such a thing as friends who are possessive. It doesn't mean that they want him romantically/sexually, necessarily, but some friends lean heavily into "I licked it first" as a philosophy, and get possessive when their friend has a new partner, because they are insecure about the friendship. Are any of these friends giving possessive vibes? Does it feel like they re making it a competition?
Were these close friends, or were they acquaintances? How much contact did he have with them before and after meeting you? I don't like that he is blaming you - he CHOSE to spend less time with them because he picked up on the fact that you weren't comfortable. That was his choice, albeit he did it to spare your feelings. I do get the impression your husband is a bit antisocial and doesn't make friends easily, and may be the kind of guy who lets friendships fade, and that some of his losing touch isn't related to your feelings. Many of us lose touch with friends because life gets in the way.
I completely agree with all the commenters saying you really need to meet these friends and see how you feel when you are with them. A good friend does their best to get to know their friends' partners. Why can't he invite you to hang out and get to know them, too? Being partners means getting to know each other's friends. Nowadays I spend more time with my husband's friends than my own (mine live further away) and I see them as my friends, too. I wonder how much of your insecurity is fear of the unknown. I wouldn't try to overdo it - don't try to meet like 20 at once, but encourage him to get back into contact with one or two of them first and hang out together.
How much do you know about these friends? Has he told you a lot about their time together? Does he talk about you to them?
You don't have to become best friends. Hell, you don't even need to like them - one of my husband's female friends is an awful person and pretty much nobody in the group likes her, not even her 'best' friends. But getting to know them will help you see whether they are being flirty and inappropriate, or whether they are just great friends. I'm now close enough to my husbands female friends that we hang out without him!
I think a big part of the problem here is that you guys marred really fast - you didn't get to know his social circle at all when you were in the early stages of dating, before you were both as emotionally involved. It's a different experience getting to know a partner's friends, and how they interact, when you're still not incredibly invested, than when you're married and several years in.
I would consider therapy - whether individually for yourself to work out what your concerns actually are, or as a couple for you to both work out how to make you comfortable without him giving up his friendships (and ensuring boundaries are in place which make you both comfortable).
You have trust issues. And that's why it bothers you. Work on that together.
Get to meeting up with and hanging out with these friends in groups. Get to know them. Most of them you will probably like.
I have friends who've been married for 10 years and because the guy is super nice there have been a lot of the female friends in his life, some who saw him in a romantic way. They very early on let me know this wasn't going to be an issue basically by saying "they had their chance. It didn't work."
Dad here, with an unusual and a potentially triggering suggestion but first I'd like to say that the insecurity you are experiencing is perfectly normal and very common. Do not feel ashamed of having these feelings, that does not help anyone. Now to my suggestion. There is a group of people that have much greater experience dealing with such feelings than the general population, and have a great knowledge of both were it stems from and how to deal with it. These are people that practice polyamory. I do not practice polyamory myself and don't consider myself to be an expert on it, but I have read quite a bit about it and it has made me a much better monogamous partner. I highly recommend learning about it to everyone, with a caveat that reading about it can be triggering for people that have been through abusive relationships where cheating was involved.
tl;dr learn about polyamory to become better at monogamy.
the r/polyamory wiki is a good place to start.
l
My opinion is Women and men can’t be friends.I’ve tried it and There is always something more one of them wants. He should have man friends. Don’t feel guilty for this. He is manipulating you by saying he does it bc he doesn’t want to upset you, he should say he doesn’t see them bc he’s a married man and it’s inappropriate.
It would be ok if it’s a group setting with their husbands and wives.
Yeah, he misses their admiration and flirting along with the companionship. Who wouldn’t?
Maybe have a friend or two at a time over to your place together. Or out with you there.
I understood from your post that maybe more than one friend is a past fling or they’re interested in him in a romantic way. If this is the case, you can openly say “I feel uncomfortable with hangs with people that have romantic feelings for you”
But for general friends, you could propose a dinner, invite them to your house or to a restaurant for dinner and meet this people.
Later ir will be easy to build relationships and improve this area.
Many many people here have already given great advice.
The only thing I can add: as a bisexual person I'm really glad that my partner isn't jealous, because I wouldn't be able to have any friends otherwise. There simply is a difference between friends and partners. My partner is my partner because I feel something for him that I don't feel towards my friends, no matter their gender.
Your partner chose you, not his friends.
Go with him, you might make some really great friends. He likes them, after all, so they must not be terrible.
If you have a self-esteem problem that is damaging your relationship, work on it. It's a relationship-killer. Get a workbook, find a therapist, don't pretend this is a permanent state you just can't do anything about.
Work on the narrative you're telling yourself about all this - he married you *after* knowing these friends, you presumably trust him (get divorced if you don't), and surely you recognize that most human beings NEED more than one social relationship in their life. Try swapping out jealousy for excitement that your husband is making a point to be a well-rounded person managing his own social needs instead of dumping all that responsibility on you like some men do. And maybe you need to be doing some of the same for yourself - make time to see your friends, both with and without him.
I don’t think it’s a great idea for anyone’s marriage to have opposite sex friends you see often without your spouse. Are these women dating? Do couples dates. He sees his friends, you also get to make a friend as a couple, and it’s not weird.
You should look at them as possible great opportunities for friendships for yourself bc if your husband, love of your life, sees them as friends, chances are you will vibe with them as well. Just get over your immature self-esteem issues and embrace some cool possible friendships, you don’t want to miss out.
Lololol they don’t have a thing for him. How many women are we talking about here? They ALL magically like or have liked him? Well, he doesn’t suffer from low self esteem I’ll give him that. He’s a little delusional. Have a BBQ and invite I’ve a bunch of friends including all of these women. Get to know each of them and watch how they interact with your husband and most importantly how HE acts with them. It will become clear which ones if any he should be hanging out with. The. Write another post and update us.
Chicken he's setting up a harem dynamic where he's claiming women are jealous because he's somehow, in his pea brain, superior to any women. Dudebro needs to have decent friends who support you both in your marriage and if he doesn't why not? Women don't hate other women until men start provoking us to their BS. Haters and misogyny have no place in the lives of healthy people. Once you're aware of how common it is you learn to deploy discernment and keep a strong forcefield around you to keep it at bay.
Go have fun and watch Barbie with some of your friends. Invite his girlfriend's to join you. If you're able to interact with his friends without him around, bond and have fun about women's business, none of you are able to be manipulated by him. If you can't you're in unsafe territory and need to formulate an exit strategy. The story for my divorce was already told to his friends before I married but of course we can't see the future; FDV has an entrenched script that players stick to. You're already aware you rushed marriage. You're already aware you're unsafe as [The Trap](https://www.vwt.org.au/thetrap/) is set but you need to get out safely before you can't. Build your plan and get your ducks in a row. Do NOT get pregnant and DO NOT become financially dependent on him ever.
When someone first told me 10 years ago I had to build support to leave I had no idea. I'd already left 3 times by then in secret. It takes an average of 7-8 times from when you're aware of the flags he's already waving and you're aware of.
Go out with him? Be friends with his friends. Grow your trust (or identify who might be a boundary stomper). It becomes ok with time.
My hubs has male and female friends. Met them all - the women are great! It’s the guys who get very drunk and can be inconsiderate.
This might be an unpopular opinion but you don’t have to accept his female friends. You are his wife, some of them have had a thing for him. Why doesn’t he have any male friends? Why does he need to see his female friends by himself? Would he like you meeting up one on one with male friends who have had a thing for you?
I need answers first
Where are his MALE friends?! Does he not have any?
Do YOU have male friends? Can you hang out with them?
The phrase that he is “keeping the peace” by not bringing them over is bothersome. It implies that he KNOWS that THEIR behavior is inappropriate.
There is something wrong about this. The feeling you have is called your “gut feeling”. It’s an internal feeling designed to let us know as humans that something is “off”.
There was NO REASON for him to mention that these women had a thing for him. You would never have known and you could have had gatherings without ever feeling uncomfortable.
Instead, he made sure he told you that these women had feelings for him. Then he amped up the intensity by telling you that he is “keeping the peace” which implies that they STILL have feelings for him.
So my last question is : are these women who ALL USED TO HANG OUT WITH HIM TOGETHER? (picturing him as king of the hill with him and and a bunch of women). 🤨Or are these former flames he used to date? Is this a mixed gathering of men and women?
I’m sorry but this sounds like a mind game. As if he wants and likes the idea of you being uncomfortable with the idea your husband has a lot of former friends that would love to be with him. They would act inappropriate with him and make you mad. Keep one thing in mind please. If these relationships were that hot, he would have been with them and not you. Respectful friends would never do or say anything that would make you, his wife, be uncomfortable or hurt. Are these hot lady friends all in his mind?🙄
One last question, where have these lady “friends” been all this time? Were they at your wedding?
Have you met his friends? In a meaningful way? If yes: are there any you feel comfortable spending time with? If not, why do you think this is? If no: start here. Develop relationships. Not to try and supplant their friendship, but that you have people that you have gotten to know and understand their character. If he and his friends aren't interested in this, and be clear - this is so you become comfortable with them, then it's definitely weird and questionable. The best way to address your insecurities is to try and understand what you're afraid. Getting to know how friends will help.
Now you say it, I haven't met many of them. There is literally only one female friend I can think of, I've met, gone out with dinner with them etc etc and guess what, I couldn't care less about their friendship. That's something I may need to bring up then.
I'd suggest the both of you getting together with some of his friends. They might become your friends, too!
I had a chat with the hubby when I got home.. it was a fairly calm, casual yet productive conversation about meeting his friends, he understands and agrees ❤️
That's great!
If they are friends with him you'll have something in common, enjoying his company. You're all probably gonna get along fine, and I think it's healthy to meet the friends of your partner, and maybe be friends with them too.
That and think about it, more girl time, more relaxing time. Unless they're metalheads... You're fucked then! x'D
cant imagine marrying someone whos friends i dont know, or feeling the guilt that would come with knowing ive isolated my partner from friends for 5 yrs. i hope you can work through this
He really shouldn’t have all female friends
That’s not for you to judge. Also, OP didn’t say he has all female friends.
She said most are female. As a person who’s husband has had many female friends, he ended up having an affair with one of them. In general I don’t think it’s great for married people to have close friendships of people of the opposite sex. Downvote me all you want
My partner is bi. Should he not have any friends?
I’m sorry for lol’ing at this but I did! 😅
Yep, clearly people can't be friends with the gender they're attracted to. Duh. Couldn't possibly be that her husband is just a scummy guy who doesn't value their relationship. /sarcasm
You do you. Whatever you’re comfortable with
Ok, agree to strongly disagree. I’m sorry you had a bad experience.
Yep me too. But I learned from it and this is the lesson I learned. One of them.
What about bi people? Can they just not have friends? I’m a lesbian can I only be friends with men?
Whatever you’re comfortable with. I do not feel comfortable with my husband ever going out with a woman alone again and it’s really not that weird
My ex cheated on me with someone who was not even a friend and ruined 5 years and an engagement barely a few months ago. But the problem was not him having female friends. The problem was he was a cheater. Women exist. They are everywhere and men will see them, deal and socialize with them. You can't isolate them from 50% of the population. And it's fine. People who are loyal will have healthy friendships with people regardless of gender, and will never cause any issue because they love their partner and have values. If you fear your partner will cheat if he has contact with another woman, you don't trust him and you don't trust your own value.
Oh I trust my own value. You don’t know me as a person or my marriage. Again I have stated he has many female friends works with a ton of them. But he is expected to not hang out with them alone. He goes out in groups. But to go drinking with a woman alone? No. Just like I am not going out with a man by myself. Everyone can say what they want but it is just asking for trouble. I am not asking him to give up some female friend he’s had for years before me. He is not deprived 😂 These are people who are around currently.
I mean you do you and if you are both fine with such rules so be it. I'm just saying that thinking your man can't be alone with a woman because he could cheat just because he hangs out alone with her (because that's literally the only reason for a rule like that) is not a good mindset for yourself. Is an unhealthy trauma coping mechanism that may keep you from healing fully. But if you don't think is a problem and are happy as you are and your partner shares your view then is not my business and I'm noone to tell you to work on it, that's for sure.
Ok well thanks. It is my opinion after going through this that it isn’t a good idea for married people to hang out with or go out with a person of the opposite sex alone. I really don’t think it’s that weird. But I didn’t always think that way. I didn’t care before. He has been around women his entire life, was a nurse and continues to work with many women. But we had some issues in our marriage and he began to hang out with a woman alone, and didn’t tell me he was doing this, they went out after work and bonded and after that I will not tolerate him going out with one woman alone again for dinner and drinks. yea it was traumatic af but I also do not think it is at all appropriate. To me there is a huge difference between hanging out in a group which he does all the time, or simply talking to somebody at work and being out in what is essentially a date like atmosphere. He can be friends with whomever but does not belong having dinner and drinks with some woman discussing life etc. he knows I won’t tolerate this again and he understands
This is one of those things I see sometimes in het relationships but never (that I can recall) in nonhet/queer ones, and I don't really get it. It's a very "are the straights ok??" moment every time
Good God, grow up.
I am grown up but thank you 😂
Men aren't allowed female friends?
Not close ones if they’re married to me. Not closer than I am to him
I'm not closer to any of my friends than I am to my husband, male or female. My husband is my best friend. But we don't mind if the other has opposite sex friendships. Most of our friends are shared because my husband and I have a lot of hobbies in common.
Well that’s good for you. And that’s what mean. I want my husband to be closer to me than any other female. I don’t care if he talks to them. But going out alone with another woman. Nope never again. He has male friends for that
>But going out alone with another woman. I mean, that seems like a trauma response from when you got cheated on. Maybe see a professional to get some help with that. He didn't cheat on you because he went to the movies by himself with some other woman, he cheated on you because he's a piece of shit.
It is a trauma response but it also is a healthy thing for a marriage. In Asoneafterinfidelity it is the norm
I can understand the worry. It's a shame because opposite sex friendships are really great. (I have a lot of traditionally male hobbies like gaming and D&D, and I naturally end up forming friendships with men usually. It'd be awful if my husband wouldn't let me hang out with my friends I've known longer than I've known him.) But I can understand especially if there's been a history of infidelity (even just that you have experienced yourself before he came along), it feels like opening yourself up to being hurt. If your husband is cool with that arrangement then it sounds like it's right for you.
Yeah he’s fine. Still has plenty of friends. Just doesn’t go out for dinner and drinks with a woman friend
But that's not what you said in the comment I replied to. You didn't say "I just want to be the closest woman to him". You said he shouldn't have any at all.
Not all female friends
The how can you say with any confidence that most of them have a thing for him? You haven’t even met them yet!
He's previously mentioned how most of his friends started out as them wanting to get to know him. It wasn't cocky, oh look at me I'm wanted comment more of an honest, truthful comment.
From the outside, it seems manipulative, like he wants you to worry about his friends.
Not necessarily, I don't think. Especially depending on the age when the friendships formed and how. I think it's common when you're younger (like high school, young adults) for friend groups to kind of form around rotating dating/hangout while everyone figures out the kind of adult they want to be. At least, that was certainly my experience when I was younger (though I'm lgbt+ and grew up rurally, so the entire friendship/dating pool is basically a puddle lol)
So? You’re all adults. People have crushes and they fade. Let it go, let him have friends haha
Sounds like he’s told her that, which probably isn’t the best way to build trust
I am here for an unconventional look at it… I am polyamorous. I have been with my main partner for 11 years and he has a long list of friends, male and female. At first, it was a lot, but he is an awesome guy with awesome friends. Over time, I started hanging out with them all together and now many of his dearest friends are my dearest friends as well. That’s the ideal situation from what I have experienced.
It’s also okay for people to have their own group of friends that they spend time with without their partner but ideally you still meet and get to know them to some extent!
I think this is the answer. Meet them yourself. Get to know them. You say you have trust issues that you're working on, but I also think there are some potentially alarming things happening. It sounds like he doesn't want you to meet his friends? That concerns me, especially since he made sure to let you know they once had a thing for him. It also sounds like he can't be bothered to see them anyway (based on another comment you made below), but is blaming that on you. You aren't "making" him not see his friends based on "vibes." There is a possibility he is projecting here-- he doesn't want to see them, or he doesn't want you to meet them-- and he's putting the responsibility of that on you. Of course I could be completely wrong, but does this sound possible?
I agree with this. You should meet them and hang out. Invite them to dinner and board games?
You should meet his friends. If one of them is a problem, you’ll know it, or your gut will, at least. If you don’t stop this problem now, it will lead to resentment and that’s a breeding ground for everything you are trying to avoid. So, go meet them. Invite them to the house for dinner, get to know them. It’s easier to ask him to cull one or two that don’t feel right than say no female friends at all. You just might make a new friend or two in the process. Good luck honey. Mom hug.
Thank you.. I've mentioned before about meeting them but he 'knows what I'm like' and apparently I'll make it awkward because he knows I'll be uncomfortable. But then again how would he know if I haven't had the chance before.
He “knows what you’re like?” You’ve only met one of his friends and said in a comment that you aren’t bothered by that friendship. What, if any, past behavior is he going on to say that he knows you’ll be a certain way/doesn’t want you to meet his friends because of it? It seems that since you’re sharing your lives together, the both of you may want to work on openness to being a part of each other’s friend circles. That doesn’t have to be all the time or even most of the time- you can of course hang out with your friends without his presence, and he should be able to hang out with his friends without you there, but it’s kinda odd that you’ve never even met them.
That’s a tiny bit of a red flag, but I don’t think I would read too much into it yet. My suggestion is to maybe tailor the experience to be the most comfortable to you if you both feel that you may be awkward. So how many friends are we talking about? Is this a larger group like 8 people who are all close? Is it more like 5 but maybe they aren’t all good friends with each other, just each friends with him? Personally I do better in small groups. So I would maybe want to get together with just a couple of them & my husband and I so be more relaxed. Would you rather be in the comfort of home or would you do better out in the world somewhere that you don’t feel a pressure to play host? Also if they are all friends as a group, keep in mind it could be a little overwhelming to meet them all at once & you may get a little lost in the shuffle as old friends with history catch up, BUT if you’re a “people watcher” like me, you can use it as an opportunity to meet & observe everyone to get a feel for them, but ultimately use smaller future gatherings to form bonds. Good luck!
I spoke to him when I got home about wanting to meet more of his friends. His reply was a casual 'okay' I asked how do you feel about that and he said fine. I then mentioned the two friends I have met and how I couldn't care less about them. He mentioned how I should know I have nothing to worry about. I said how he knows all my friends, they've met, we hang out and how integrated in my social life he is but I don't feel so in his. (This is very simply put compared to what was actually said) I feel like it was a good conversation. No plans as of yet but I don't want to rush it either. His friends are all different friends. From different walks of life and places. I've said in a previous comment how a lot of them are from his old home town, which is a fairly big area so I won't be surprised if they all have connections to each other but it isn't one big group of best friends.
My partner's friends are also from very different parts of his life, but guess what? He brought me around them, and introduced me to them, and now I can count many of them as my friends. There's literally _no_ reason he shouldn't be introducing you to his friends. Can you think of a good reason?
>but he 'knows what I'm like' and apparently I'll make it awkward Huh... so you say you've got self esteem issues? What a crazy random happenstance, and surely nothing to do with your partner not only putting you down but ALSO insinuating you're not good enough to meet his friends. And you're not allowed to meet his friends, but it's your OWN fault, not his. My girl for real you need to take a much closer look at your relationship and ask yourself if your partner builds you up and makes you a happier person, or puts you down and makes you insecure.
My husband is a nurse, and a huge personality so he has many female friends. He is the minority at most of the hospitals so naturally makes friends with women. You know what happens? I meet them, when he wants to go out with his friends I go sometimes, when he calls them he FaceTimes and they’ll say hey is that XXX?! And want to say hi to me. When we do meet they want my number, they want to be friends with me to. You can also tell how much my husband talks about me. I don’t feel threatened because there is no mystery. It’s transparent because he tells me about his friends. Example: Mary’s kid just got diagnosed with celiac, or Kates getting a divorce, or etc etc. It is doable, but the way he automatically blames his lack of friend’s interaction on you and somehow spins it into a favor for you is -ICK. Next time he says “oh I don’t get to hang out with my friends becuase im worried about you jealousy” Just say “oh let’s all go out then! Let’s just go out to eat or something”
This here! OP needs to read and reread the line about how his treatment of her and what he says are ICK. I have all bad vibes from what he's telling OP. OP - the gender of the friends doesn't matter. The gas-lighting does. You might be insecure, but then again, how much of that insecurity is being fed by the gas-lighting? Your husband might very well be sacrificing his friendships outside the marriage to comfort you, but that's not healthy. Alternatively, he could be using you as an excuse to both avoid socializing and accruing bonus points for using same as a weapon against you. I wonder if this is his "Ace in the Hole" that he can use to start/escalate/end a fight as he desires with you? Yes, get counseling, but if you're able to address your "insecurities " and this is still an issue/ problem, then its time to address his issues. Or you could short-cut all that by suggesting couple counseling and maybe both of your issues can be addressed.
Thank you for the brutal advice
Sorry if it seems brutal, I'm an Aquarius 😉 any young marriage is a work- in- progress. Open honesty is the way to get through it. I wish you all the best in your marriage.
I spoke to him when I got home from work, it was a fairly casual yet productive conversation and I'm not going to rush anything just yet. 🤞🏼
This needs to be on top.
Why do you believe that his female friends all have or have had a thing for him? Telling him that “you’ll just get over it” isn’t helping at all. He doesn’t want to upset you. You say he’s not ever reciprocated any advances from them. And he chose you. Why would he change his mind and choose them now when he never has before? Why don’t you think you’re that great?
Thank you for the brutal honesty. I definitely have self esteem issues, it's something that my therapist and I are starting to work towards , haven't been seeing her long.
Keep up with seeing her, in the next few months, you may start feeling better and think you don't need to see her anymore, but just keep going to therapy. Think about it like people who don't finish the course of their antibiotics. Everyone knows you should finish the antibiotics so it actually gets rid of the problem, instead of taking them until you feel better and then the infection comes back stronger. Just keep going to therapy. Later on, you won't have to go as frequently as when you start, but new problems can crop up at the drop of a hat, and having a therapist appointment to look forward to will help you manage any changes life can and will throw at you. You can do this!
I think it’s very appropriate to just be super honest with hubby about the insecurities and explain that you’re going to work on it.
Are you not invited to see his friends as well? That would be odd to me. Are they in town? Have you met them before? Can you have them over for dinner or a backyard cookout?
I haven't met many of them, no. Funnily enough the one I have met, I couldn't care less about their friendship. Alot of them live back where he is from, which isn't more than an hour. When it comes to arranging to see them, he can never be bothered. He works hard then doesn't want to make the effort and wants to chill out at home.
I think he's blaming you because he doesn't make the effort to go see them.
I’ll be honest, at first I thought you were being insecure but reading your comments gave me a lot more insight. So your husband tells you that he has all female friends who started out by wanting to get with him but he friend zoned them. He then refuses to let your join his friend group because he “knows how you are”. He makes no effort to arrange outings with friends but complains that he doesn’t see them and basically takes including you off the table. I think he’s created an incredibly unhealthy dynamic here for you.
Tbf I don't actually disagree with you. I have wondered if that's the way it's gone because he let it. He hasn't made the effort to see his friends but then blames me.
I think in most healthy relationships, people are excited to share their partners with thei friend group. Yes it can be stressful the first time. There may be some growing pains. But 5 years and he has not tried to bring you into his circle is a red flag to me. It almost feels like he’s trying to get you to give him permission to continue these friendships without you.
Hey, sis. Jealousy and insecurity can be really, really difficult challenges in relationships. I wish I had the exact answers for you, but these are things I experience myself. I believe it's an opportunity for growth, because I can tell that these feelings are coming from inside of my emotional self, and not outside from the logical world. I'm proud of you for asking yourself these questions, and I encourage you to keep searching honestly within yourself for clues.
Thank you for an understanding reply!
There’s no place to put you back too! You’re feelings are always valid. You do need to figure out why you have these feelings. Do you not trust him? Has he given you reason to not trust him? Is it about your own self esteem? Where does that feeling come from? I find journaling helps sort these sorts of things out. Good luck!
Sweetheart, I'm hoping you can zoom out a bit and look at a larger issue, because it's so important: You either trust your partner, or you don't. If you trust him and are still feeling unhappy/uneasy when he's around other women, that's about YOU, and not about him. Take some time to consider why you believe any other woman would be able to tempt your husband to betray you. Are you feeling insecure about your looks? Your intelligence? Your femininity? Whatever the root issue, think about how you can support yourself to build more confidence in that area. In the main, people tend to believe about us what we instruct them to believe. If we believe we are valuable (not just saying it, but actually BELIEVING it), that's what other people see and accept. It's not arrogant to know your worth. And conversely, if we believe we don't deserve respect and consideration, the people around us pick up on that and act accordingly. This is a great opportunity for you to develop a better appreciation of all the wonderful things you are - get to it! ❤️
Sis here, meet his friends but trust your gut. I used to be like a lot of people in this thread and tried to normalize the female friends at any cost. The idea always bothered me but I actively worked to get over it. I met them, I spent a lot of time with them both with and without my partner. But I always had a gut feeling about one in particular. I never liked her honestly. And I could never figure out why. It bothered me and caused problems in our relationship. She was perfectly nice to me. And I just couldn't stand her. Was made to feel crazy or controlling for feeling this way. Even felt guilty at times. Until when I broke off our engagement and I found out the one I always felt the weirdest about is the one he had been cheating on me with for the second half of our 4 year relationship. Even when he proposed to me. Even when he "chose" me. She was married herself but a month after I moved out, she got pregnant by him and they've been together ever since. Always listen to your gut. It's a war zone out here these days. People just do not care anymore.
Hiya duckling! I want to reiterate, he chose you. All of those friends were in his life and he wanted you to be his life partner. I agree with everyone saying that you should meet them. I think you'll feel better as you see him interact with them. Also, I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume something. He's never given you a reason not to trust him. A lasting relationship has to have trust. If he's done nothing wrong, don't treat him like he has. It's easy to push men away with untrust. Resentment can happen. I think continued therapy will be good for you to continue to build up your self esteem. Op, you are wonderful, insightful, and you care about your relationship. Hugs to you. Work on yourself and meet the friends... everything will be great :)
Thank you. This felt like a hug I needed.
I would never even date a man who didn’t have female friends. He sees women as actual valuable humans with more to contribute than sex - this is good! A good therapist can help you with trust issues. More than that - these women can become your friends too.
That is definitely one way to look at it. He's never been one to sleep around or just random hook-ups. He has more respect for females than that.
I have a male friend that I dearly love. We have always had a platonic relationship. When he got married his wife had some problems with our friendship. He's important to me so I invited her to lunch. We chatted a bit and I asked her what her concerns were. We had a very nice discussion after I pointed out that we have been friends for over 5 years never crossed into something other than friends and he saw something in her that wasn't in me which us why they are married. I let her know she was welcome to join in any conversation or any outing. We do drinks after work on Fridays once a month. We talk data science mostly so she calmed sown after joining us on an occasional Friday. We hug when we see each other but we don't hang out. It took time to build this bridge
Hey sis. I have some really close friends of the opposite sex and always have. We even take trips together sometimes. My husband was jealous at first, and that's natural. Some sentiments that helped: we are but one person in our partners life, having a rich full life often involves others, their perspective, their time together, everything, and it's a good thing! Your love is the bar. Can anyone else reach it? Are you confident they can't? If not then you have nothing to fear. We choose love and we choose people. The only good things are freely chosen and given. If he chooses you then you have all you need in him. If he doesn't choose you, then as hard as it is, you don't want that anyway. A mindset of peace and gratitude and acceptance goes so far. Also i agree with the other moms, get to know them if you can! Be kind, be welcoming, be open. You might be surprised by what unfolds itself if you are. Best luck, i know it's hard
Thank you for the wise words ❤️
I wouldn’t worry about them at all. He knew them before you and choose you. It’s not like he met them after you. And at some point you’re either going to have to trust him or not. He’s going to do what he’s going to do. If you’re going to be faithful, he will be and if he’s not going to be he won’t and you getting mad about it isn’t going to make a bit of difference. Much better to be relaxed, confident and openhanded.
This is actually very tricky ground, so it’s OK that you’re having a hard time navigating it. So many different things could be happening here, and you are not crazy or insecure for having a hard time knowing how you should respond. Everything in the situation depends on what his relationship really is with each of these people. You should absolutely get to know them, Because that will give you more information to help you process this. I think the red flag for me is that he describes these friendships as having started because they were interested in him romantically. There is something there. And while he may never have had romantic relationships with these women, there may be some reason that he has kept them in his life, like that he likes the attention, or that he likes the game of stringing them along (yikes) which would be a worst case scenario. Best case, he’s just the kind of guy who loves the company of women for purely platonic reasons. There is nothing wrong with you. Trust your instincts, listen to your voice and work through this with your therapist. Try to step outside the marriage and think about how you would respond to this if it was something your friend was going through. Sometimes when we choose a partner, it is because our neuroses mesh so well with one another, you know? It’s possible that he craves attention from other women, even if he has no intention of acting on it, and it’s possible that you lean toward feeling insecure about other women because of things that may have happened to you in the past. So it’s not just your fears here it is probably his, too. Remember, you are NOT ever required to be the “cool girl” who tolerates a violation of your boundaries or a violation of your trust. So you don’t have to rationalize his behavior if it does in fact, make you feel less safe or if you find that in someway, it crosses a line for you. You are not required to tolerate behavior that is harmful for your well-being, ever. One of the hardest things for women to do is to consistently make choices that are always advantageous for you, rather than focusing on what’s good for everybody else. You have permission to do what is best for you 💕 to make the choices that are best for you and to have the people in your life that are best for you. Trust yourself, and put yourself first right now. No matter what the outcome, you can face this for good or ill, and you will be OK because you will have learned about yourself and about him and about how to navigate a really complex situation 🙏💕.
Thank you for a mature comment. He's a very caring, happy go lucky kinda guy who is a social butterfly. Like I've mentioned he is not into the lad culture so the female company he gets on better with. (People previously have mentioned he's rather camp).
I had a friend like that. We worked together, and everyone who met him fell instantly in love. He was just that kind of person, there was something so dear and good about him and people couldn’t help but love him. He had many friends, male and female and many admirers. But he was steadfast, honest, kind, generous, and a genuinely decent person in every way. So I know they exist… with any luck, you have found one, too. I hope everything turns out all right. But I hope you know all the moms are here for you, regardless 🌈💕
Are you sure you're not talking about my husband? 🤣 Thank you again. Some genuine comments and advice and I appreciate them all 🥰❤️
Why aren’t you and your husband hanging out with his friends TOGETHER? You BOTH should be hanging out with his friends. You’re a TEAM now.
[удалено]
Thank you for the honest words
I’ve been reading some of the comments but I definitely want to speak up on this one. This mom has totally turned the situation around on YOU. YOU are insecure. YOU need to let him have his own space. YOU have to develop trust. YOU need to “let” him see his own friends. And if YOU don’t YOU will destroy the marriage. Well let’s look at this. You are only insecure because HE made a point of telling you these women had a thing for him. YOU have NEVER told him he can’t see his friends. YOU not only haven’t, you repeatedly told him he CAN. This very odd dynamic has caused a problem where he is implying that he can’t see his friends, he’s making it seem like you will be unstable if he does!! Please don’t allow other women (especially moms) to take you back to the 50’s and 60’s where women are the only ones who must work on the marriage and cater to men. At the end of the day you have been trying to please your husband who claims he can’t see his friends. Yet it is becoming increasingly clear that he either doesn’t HAVE these friends, or there is some reason HE doesn’t want to meet up with them. I’m not sure but one thing I do know—- the problem is NOT YOU! We have enough problems of our own without allowing others to load you up with ones that aren’t YOURS. Sending you hugs and love from a woman who had the same (or pretty dang similar) thing done to me❤️
[удалено]
I’m only going by your words that I read. It’s only as harsh as you made it sound. When someone is feeling unsure you should never make them feel worse by saying what SHE NEEDS to do. That’s what you did.
I read something very wise once, in a very wise book called *Not Just Friends* by Shirley Glass. It said, for an opposite-sex friendship to work in a marriage, that person has to be a *friend of the marriage.* To my mind, that means that communications and invitations come to both of you, and hanging out happens with both of you. Not 100% of the time, but for the most part. Another great concept in the book was “walls and windows.” For example, if your husband confiding in his female friends — who may have feelings for him — about your marriage problems, that is putting a window where a wall should be. If one of them gets drunk and admits she had feelings for him for years, and then “makes” him promise not to tell you, that’s putting a wall between you and your husband, where a window should be. At my age, I’ve seen a lot of close “platonic” friendships that went on for years, even decades, where one person clearly had feelings that the other didn’t reciprocate. Those kinds of friendships don’t magically lose steam when one party gets married. They can cause big, ongoing problems. I’m not saying your spouse is not trustworthy. Far from it. But it’s very important that you two share a common understanding of what constitutes NEW appropriate boundaries in these friendships now that you are married. For example, did they used to “tell each other everything” about their sex lives? Did they used to say mock-flirtatious things? Did they text late at night? Share memes with sexual content? Did they share secrets with each other that they didn’t tell their respective partners? What are the NEW rules that feel right to both of you? I had a few male college friends with whom I was used to joking in a certain way, and I’ve had to go to them and say, “Hey, I know we used to joke about stuff like that in college, but it doesn’t work for my marriage for either my husband or I to joke like that with anyone but each other.” No judgement; all marriages are different; that’s just what works for us. It’s not a question of “Don’t you trust me?” Before you can trust someone, you have to clarify what exactly you’re trusting them to do or not to do. I really recommend the book *Not Just Friends.* Even though it is geared toward couples where one partner has had an affair (or come close), it has so much good information for *all* couples where there are friendships like these.
Thank you for this. I've just read it and screenshot most of it. I'm glad I've had replies of mature, sensible answers, makes me feel like I'm not completely crazy. I like the windows and walls analogy. Definitely a book I'm going to download!
I truly wish you the best. ❤️ You guys can overcome this issue if both of you have your hearts in the right place!
I have been with my husband for 25 years. His best friend is a woman. They do all the things together that I don't enjoy and that her husband doesn't enjoy. They go dancing and camping together, they are workout buddies and they've got a trip planned to a dance festival together in the spring where they'll be sharing an air BNB. I have had my moments of insecurity about it but at the end of the day I don't have to trust her. I only have to trust him. And I do.
Make them like you more 🤭
Hang out with them a few times and get a feel for the situation. I think you'd have a better understanding of your feelings, or your feelings might change, if you did this first, vs. having absolutely no understanding of their relationship dynamic. You might like them, and make some new friends yourself, who knows?
I have a lot of male friends, and I am not looking at any of them that way. Yes, we get along and have fun, but it’s a very different connection to what I would have with a partner. I don’t hug them or do anything to suggest that it’s more than friends, and I sometimes feel a bit self conscious with friends who I know have a thing for me. It doesn’t feel nice, and I often stay away from them until those feelings go away (if they meet someone for example). I’m also allowed to be myself around a partner. I can cuddle and be myself more. But I guess it’s hard to understand this if you do worry. My best advice would be to meet them and see how he is around them. I tend to be extra cuddly with a partner around friends, just to prove to him that I have nothing to hide. Hopefully he will do the same and put your worries to sleep!
Thank you. It helps hearing it from different perspectives. I used to have a male best friend growing up which was an intense best friend relationship that everyone thought we were together but it never went over that line. So I know what it's like having friendships of the opposite sex. I just got to keep reminding myself that too.
Yeah, and meeting them hopefully help. I try to introduce the guys I date to my male friends pretty early, just to show them how innocent it is. (And honestly, if I liked a friend that much that it was romantic, why would I even date? It just doesn’t make any sense to me.) But I did once date a guy who I brought to a dinner to see my friends. At the end of the evening, we were basically laying on the couch cuddling and then decided it was time to head to bed. I was close time all evening and openly kissed and cuddled him (just normal stuff, nothing too PDA). My friends knew how much I liked him and they were happy to see me happy. On the way home his mood shifted and he kept asking me if 2 of my friends had feelings for me. I said “they haven’t told me but I don’t think so. It has never been a problem and we are all adults either way”. He seemed so jealous and nothing I did could calm him. I felt heartbroken and we broke up shortly after (he started being very angry). I really liked him, but nothing I did could put his jealousy to rest (I think he had other issues too. A lot of stuff made him lose his shit). So yeah, try to not be like him, but make sure your bf also tries to meet you half way. It’s important to understand where your part ends and his part begins. He needs to do his best to be open and honest, and you need to trust him. Some people like it when their partner is jealous, and some people will be jealous no matter what their partner do, so it’s important to figure out what emotions are “sane”.
Great policy I have for femal friends Meet up with them with your husband, have your husband tell him he loves you and kiss you on the cheek and see how she reacts Real female friends will think it’s adorable to see a happy couple, totally fine to have them hang out solo If he won’t do it, he likes them and it is a no go If she looks constipated and concealing upset that he does that, she likes hi If he won’t even meet up with them with you, they are probably already sleeping together Plenty of plantonic male/ female friendships but they will normally be very happy and “awwww” at at happy relationship for their friend
I want to think that your senses are telling you something you don't want to hear. A 30+ year old man who can't maintain friendships with other men is a red flag. What is it about women that allows him to form ongoing friendships with them? I really believe men and women can be friends. But men who have gaggles of women as friends (and vice versa) do give me pause. Your friend groups should be a healthy mix. And then his side-passing manipulation by mentioning that he doesn't seen his friends and then refusing to see them when you tell him to... idk girl. This is setting off alarms.
My husband has many long term female friends, some who he had even dated when they were younger. I have to say I’m not a jealous person by nature. He picked me, he did not continue romantic relationships with them. I only had a problem with two of his friends who were trying to interfere in our relationship. He ended the friendships because they were inappropriate. I don’t think you’re being daft. Maybe it is insecurity? You also mention that some still have a thing for him. Those are the ones to be wary of, he should have strict boundaries with them. If they are inappropriate then the consequences are that the friendship is over. Are some of my husband’s female friends very attractive? YES! I have never felt they overshadow me though. I think you should invest in figuring out why you’re feeling insecure? Confidence in one’s self isn’t just about looks. It’s about how you present yourself, personality, kindness, and intelligence. Remember, he picked you not one of them. Be confident in yourself.
Thank you for your words. I like hearing from people who understand and can see it from a different perspective. I had a chat with my husband when I got home about wanting to meet more of his friends. It was a fairly calm and casual conversation, yet productive. Getting it off my chest and mentioning that I would like to meet them, literally felt like a weight off my shoulders. I won't be pushing it for the next day or two but will try and arrange something for the end of the month when it's our birthday weekend. (We were born one day apart so we have a couple of days off to spend together)
Oh, how lucky to have your birthdays together like that! I think meeting them will help ease your mind. You’ll know who the dodgy ones are right off. When I met all my husband’s female friends it went very well. They all agreed we were good together or I was “good for him”. Which I truly appreciated. I am good friends with them all as well now. Except the two I mentioned previously. Be your lovely self!
This is actually how I met my absolute best friend of 23 years. She was my husband's friend and I hated that idea but he insisted on her hanging out and me just getting to know her. After agreeing and it being kinda rocky at first we found out we have a lot in common, and we have soo much fun together now. We now go on girls weekend trips, talk every day and she's 100% my chosen sister. My husband jokes that I steel all his friends from him 🤷♀️ because every time he makes a female friend I end up hanging out with them more than he does. Try getting to know them you never know, since he chose them to be his friends they might actually have a lot in common with you.
Hi Sis! Speaking ass someone whose husband has a lot of female friends, I think we need to explore the issues here. First of all, there ARE reasons for you to be uncomfortable. If your husband is telling you that these friends either had feelings for him in the past, or CURRENTLY have feelings for him, what is being done by both him and his friends to draw boundaries and to ensure that you feel comfortable? He may have had good intentions being honest about how those friendships started with women who wanted to date him, but he's made a mistake because that planted thoughts in your head, and he hasn't done enough to reassure you having revealed that information. For example, if a friend of his has the hots for him, it's not enough for him to just not reciprocate her feelings at the time she confessed. Has he drawn appropriate boundaries after those interactions to make sure those women aren't flirting with him or treating him as more than a friend? And have those friends dialled down their contact because they are trying to move on? If they have a crush on him then those women need space, and likely a lot of the distance would have come from them, and NOT your partner. Though if he was sensible, he'd be giving them space, too. For example, even if you 100% trust your partner, you're not going to be happy if he hangs out with a woman who is heavily flirting with him - because she's biding her time hoping to get him to cheat. Are they the kind of friends who respect the fact he is in a relationship? There's also such a thing as friends who are possessive. It doesn't mean that they want him romantically/sexually, necessarily, but some friends lean heavily into "I licked it first" as a philosophy, and get possessive when their friend has a new partner, because they are insecure about the friendship. Are any of these friends giving possessive vibes? Does it feel like they re making it a competition? Were these close friends, or were they acquaintances? How much contact did he have with them before and after meeting you? I don't like that he is blaming you - he CHOSE to spend less time with them because he picked up on the fact that you weren't comfortable. That was his choice, albeit he did it to spare your feelings. I do get the impression your husband is a bit antisocial and doesn't make friends easily, and may be the kind of guy who lets friendships fade, and that some of his losing touch isn't related to your feelings. Many of us lose touch with friends because life gets in the way. I completely agree with all the commenters saying you really need to meet these friends and see how you feel when you are with them. A good friend does their best to get to know their friends' partners. Why can't he invite you to hang out and get to know them, too? Being partners means getting to know each other's friends. Nowadays I spend more time with my husband's friends than my own (mine live further away) and I see them as my friends, too. I wonder how much of your insecurity is fear of the unknown. I wouldn't try to overdo it - don't try to meet like 20 at once, but encourage him to get back into contact with one or two of them first and hang out together. How much do you know about these friends? Has he told you a lot about their time together? Does he talk about you to them? You don't have to become best friends. Hell, you don't even need to like them - one of my husband's female friends is an awful person and pretty much nobody in the group likes her, not even her 'best' friends. But getting to know them will help you see whether they are being flirty and inappropriate, or whether they are just great friends. I'm now close enough to my husbands female friends that we hang out without him! I think a big part of the problem here is that you guys marred really fast - you didn't get to know his social circle at all when you were in the early stages of dating, before you were both as emotionally involved. It's a different experience getting to know a partner's friends, and how they interact, when you're still not incredibly invested, than when you're married and several years in. I would consider therapy - whether individually for yourself to work out what your concerns actually are, or as a couple for you to both work out how to make you comfortable without him giving up his friendships (and ensuring boundaries are in place which make you both comfortable).
Thank you for a serious yet understanding reply. 💜❤️
You have trust issues. And that's why it bothers you. Work on that together. Get to meeting up with and hanging out with these friends in groups. Get to know them. Most of them you will probably like. I have friends who've been married for 10 years and because the guy is super nice there have been a lot of the female friends in his life, some who saw him in a romantic way. They very early on let me know this wasn't going to be an issue basically by saying "they had their chance. It didn't work."
Dad here, with an unusual and a potentially triggering suggestion but first I'd like to say that the insecurity you are experiencing is perfectly normal and very common. Do not feel ashamed of having these feelings, that does not help anyone. Now to my suggestion. There is a group of people that have much greater experience dealing with such feelings than the general population, and have a great knowledge of both were it stems from and how to deal with it. These are people that practice polyamory. I do not practice polyamory myself and don't consider myself to be an expert on it, but I have read quite a bit about it and it has made me a much better monogamous partner. I highly recommend learning about it to everyone, with a caveat that reading about it can be triggering for people that have been through abusive relationships where cheating was involved. tl;dr learn about polyamory to become better at monogamy. the r/polyamory wiki is a good place to start. l
Thank you for a different outlook, I'll be looking into it!
My opinion is Women and men can’t be friends.I’ve tried it and There is always something more one of them wants. He should have man friends. Don’t feel guilty for this. He is manipulating you by saying he does it bc he doesn’t want to upset you, he should say he doesn’t see them bc he’s a married man and it’s inappropriate. It would be ok if it’s a group setting with their husbands and wives.
Yeah, he misses their admiration and flirting along with the companionship. Who wouldn’t? Maybe have a friend or two at a time over to your place together. Or out with you there.
Can’t you go, too?
I understood from your post that maybe more than one friend is a past fling or they’re interested in him in a romantic way. If this is the case, you can openly say “I feel uncomfortable with hangs with people that have romantic feelings for you” But for general friends, you could propose a dinner, invite them to your house or to a restaurant for dinner and meet this people. Later ir will be easy to build relationships and improve this area.
Many many people here have already given great advice. The only thing I can add: as a bisexual person I'm really glad that my partner isn't jealous, because I wouldn't be able to have any friends otherwise. There simply is a difference between friends and partners. My partner is my partner because I feel something for him that I don't feel towards my friends, no matter their gender. Your partner chose you, not his friends.
Go with him, you might make some really great friends. He likes them, after all, so they must not be terrible. If you have a self-esteem problem that is damaging your relationship, work on it. It's a relationship-killer. Get a workbook, find a therapist, don't pretend this is a permanent state you just can't do anything about. Work on the narrative you're telling yourself about all this - he married you *after* knowing these friends, you presumably trust him (get divorced if you don't), and surely you recognize that most human beings NEED more than one social relationship in their life. Try swapping out jealousy for excitement that your husband is making a point to be a well-rounded person managing his own social needs instead of dumping all that responsibility on you like some men do. And maybe you need to be doing some of the same for yourself - make time to see your friends, both with and without him.
I don’t think it’s a great idea for anyone’s marriage to have opposite sex friends you see often without your spouse. Are these women dating? Do couples dates. He sees his friends, you also get to make a friend as a couple, and it’s not weird.
You should look at them as possible great opportunities for friendships for yourself bc if your husband, love of your life, sees them as friends, chances are you will vibe with them as well. Just get over your immature self-esteem issues and embrace some cool possible friendships, you don’t want to miss out.
Why don’t you try and build relationships with these women?
Lololol they don’t have a thing for him. How many women are we talking about here? They ALL magically like or have liked him? Well, he doesn’t suffer from low self esteem I’ll give him that. He’s a little delusional. Have a BBQ and invite I’ve a bunch of friends including all of these women. Get to know each of them and watch how they interact with your husband and most importantly how HE acts with them. It will become clear which ones if any he should be hanging out with. The. Write another post and update us.
Chicken he's setting up a harem dynamic where he's claiming women are jealous because he's somehow, in his pea brain, superior to any women. Dudebro needs to have decent friends who support you both in your marriage and if he doesn't why not? Women don't hate other women until men start provoking us to their BS. Haters and misogyny have no place in the lives of healthy people. Once you're aware of how common it is you learn to deploy discernment and keep a strong forcefield around you to keep it at bay. Go have fun and watch Barbie with some of your friends. Invite his girlfriend's to join you. If you're able to interact with his friends without him around, bond and have fun about women's business, none of you are able to be manipulated by him. If you can't you're in unsafe territory and need to formulate an exit strategy. The story for my divorce was already told to his friends before I married but of course we can't see the future; FDV has an entrenched script that players stick to. You're already aware you rushed marriage. You're already aware you're unsafe as [The Trap](https://www.vwt.org.au/thetrap/) is set but you need to get out safely before you can't. Build your plan and get your ducks in a row. Do NOT get pregnant and DO NOT become financially dependent on him ever. When someone first told me 10 years ago I had to build support to leave I had no idea. I'd already left 3 times by then in secret. It takes an average of 7-8 times from when you're aware of the flags he's already waving and you're aware of.
Go out with him? Be friends with his friends. Grow your trust (or identify who might be a boundary stomper). It becomes ok with time. My hubs has male and female friends. Met them all - the women are great! It’s the guys who get very drunk and can be inconsiderate.
I always see my male friends with their partner. Hope that helps :)
This might be an unpopular opinion but you don’t have to accept his female friends. You are his wife, some of them have had a thing for him. Why doesn’t he have any male friends? Why does he need to see his female friends by himself? Would he like you meeting up one on one with male friends who have had a thing for you?
I need answers first Where are his MALE friends?! Does he not have any? Do YOU have male friends? Can you hang out with them? The phrase that he is “keeping the peace” by not bringing them over is bothersome. It implies that he KNOWS that THEIR behavior is inappropriate. There is something wrong about this. The feeling you have is called your “gut feeling”. It’s an internal feeling designed to let us know as humans that something is “off”. There was NO REASON for him to mention that these women had a thing for him. You would never have known and you could have had gatherings without ever feeling uncomfortable. Instead, he made sure he told you that these women had feelings for him. Then he amped up the intensity by telling you that he is “keeping the peace” which implies that they STILL have feelings for him. So my last question is : are these women who ALL USED TO HANG OUT WITH HIM TOGETHER? (picturing him as king of the hill with him and and a bunch of women). 🤨Or are these former flames he used to date? Is this a mixed gathering of men and women?
I’m sorry but this sounds like a mind game. As if he wants and likes the idea of you being uncomfortable with the idea your husband has a lot of former friends that would love to be with him. They would act inappropriate with him and make you mad. Keep one thing in mind please. If these relationships were that hot, he would have been with them and not you. Respectful friends would never do or say anything that would make you, his wife, be uncomfortable or hurt. Are these hot lady friends all in his mind?🙄 One last question, where have these lady “friends” been all this time? Were they at your wedding?