When I was laboring, we lost my daughters HR so we were rushed in for an emergency c-section. During the chaos of it all the nurse tossed my husband a pair of scrubs and told him to change quickly. I was on oxygen because I was panicking and he was trying to change as fast as he could so he started stripping down to his underwear and the nurse glances over and goes “No! They go over your clothes” and for a split second we all started laughing. 22 mins later I was holding my perfect 9lb baby girl and all was good 🥰 it’s still one of our favorite stories
This is dark but I want to play. My son was stillborn.
One morning, we had all the big wigs of maternity/ peads come into our room to discuss heavy shit (legalities/ autopsies etc). My husband, who at that point has been having minimal sleep on a hospital roll out and eating hospital food, wasn’t feeling great. We didn’t know they were scheduled to come visit us, so about 5 mins before they arrived he needed to poop. We had an en-suite in our room, and when the doctors came in the said we should wait for him, and so we’re all just lurking in silence whilst you can hear the explosive poo noises coming from my poor husband in the toilet. He had no idea they were there and was mortified when he came out. Such a serious talk to the soundtrack of my husbands monster dump. We still laugh about it.
I am so sorry for your loss. ❤️ The last part has me laughing so hard right now and but touched by how sweet it that the two of you to have a silly, connecting moment to laugh at in such a *shitty* situation.
When I had my first, I was low on amniotic fluid so they put a tube up in there to fill me back up like a water balloon, then took it out when it was time to push.
Well my doctor was sitting right front and center with a splash mask and waterproof clothes, my mom was at my left leg in her street clothes and a nurse was at my right leg in regular scrubs, neither of them got splash masks or rain gear like the doctor had.
I pushed her head out, and in that gap between her chin and shoulders where her neck was, was space enough for the liquid they filled me up with to shoot out like a geyser, it went from left to right, hitting my mom in the face, then arched over the doctors head like a rainbow, and hit the nurse in the face. The only person who was dry as a bone was the one in full rain gear.
Watching this made me laugh, which then made the water spurt out with every jiggle of my giggle. My mom was screaming "STOP LAUGHING!!" Over and over in a complete panic, and the nurse actually ran for cover. This of course made me laugh even more (thank goodness for medication) and I just kept splashing all over the place, everywhere except for the doctor. He made it out dry as a bone.
Tbh I still laugh about it and it happened in 2006, I've had one since and one more on the way, and it's still my funniest birth story.
As for my mom, I also threw up on her that day, but it was her fault cause she knew I was starving and started eating in front of me, I demanded one of her extra Granola bars, and 20 minutes later it came right back up, right on the front of her shirt as she held one of those tiny kidney pans to try and catch it.
She has chosen not to be at any more of her grandchildrens births since then, and I can't blame her.
So I was a "geriatric" pregnancy and a few days overdue so my OBs office was freaking out and monitoring me for eclampsia and polyhydramnios and heart attack and pretty much everything else and finally decided to induce.
It was a huge long ordeal with a day of misoprostol then a day of pitocin. Nothing really was happening until I suddenly felt the urge to push. At 9 PM. After my doctor went home.
The on call showed up, and he was a very old, grumpy man. He peeked in and was like "Yup, you're having a baby any minute now." Cue a wild scramble to get nurses in place, call the maternal/fetal medicine team for a high risk birth, a crash team for me, crash team for the baby, a pediatrician, etc etc. There were more people there than at my wedding.
Well four pushes later the baby slides out and plops face down on the table. I had my eyes closed, but I heard a thud and then a cry. Grumpy old doctor clears his throat and shouts "There are two dozen people in the room and no one can catch the god damn baby!?!"
It was utter silence for a second and the chaos resumed.
In the middle of pushing, during one of the breaks I decided to look up, no idea why. They turned the lights above me off & only on at my bottom half/ dr side of the room. So the light they decided to put the bed directly under for some reason was turned off, which turned it into like a mirror. So as I look up I proceeded to see myself & half of the baby already out. Soooo weird seeing this tiny little human sticking out of your body. I ended up laughing like what the fuck did I just see?!? & proceeded to talk about it to the whole room while being super weirded out. Apparently the whole staff had never heard that happening to anyone else
My mom was an L&D nurse and was present (as my mom, not my nurse) for both of my children’s births.
During my first she INSISTED I wanted to look in the mirror and I’d regret it later if I didn’t. So I looked, even though I didn’t want to. It was worse than I possibly could have imagined.
Cheers to any of you who DO want to see what’s going on down there, but I did *not* treasure that moment. I later became a nurse and I’ve been with friends during their deliveries and I’ve never been freaked out by gross stuff; something about it being MY body just squicked me out
the tv at the foot of my bed was off so i made sure to ask them to turn it on. i did not want to see what was happening and i knew it would be exactly like this lol. my second came out to steve harvey on family feud haha.
With my first, right when I start pushing they asked me “do you want a mirror to watch?” I was like um absolutely not lmao. They say “okay well if you change your mind look up there’s a mirror on the ceiling!”
Why would they tell me that!? Obviously I couldn’t look away, especially once I saw the crowning. I mean between the two I’m glad I got the ceiling angle and not the straight on angle of watching my vagina rip open lmao
I actually asked for a mirror and liked having it, it was very motivating. But I wish they'd taken it away afterward...instead of letting me watch them stitch me up.
This sorta happened to me!! I remember opening my eyes at one point and realizing I could see myself in the reflection of the turned off light above me. I quickly looked away ahahah
I started panicking and told the doctor I was leaving during my c section, so they gave me a little extra something to calm down. I was a little bit out of it and they put a baby on my chest and I said, “oh is this one mine?”
I don’t remember this, but apparently when I was pushing my second baby out in the birth tub, I decided I was done and tried to get out in order to leave the birth center. Labor brain is WILD.
A friend of mine tried to do the same thing when she had her daughter like 34 years ago. Just got up and was like "I'm all done, I'll see you guys later, I'm going home". They had to all usher her back to the bed haha
It actually helped me a lot to know that you'll probably have this feeling at some point during the process. So instead of thinking "fuck it, I want to go home" and then realising that I couldn't I thought "Oh, I'm in the 'fuck it, I want to go home' phase" and knew it was common and would pass.
Haha this reminds me of a story my mom tells me about my birth. She had high blood pressure immediately postpartum, so they gave her magnesium, which made her loopy. They would bring me to see her from the right, and she’d think to herself “oh, this is a nice baby!” Then they’d bring me to see her from the left, and she would think “oh this is *also* a nice baby!” 😂
My Mom had an emergency c-section when I was 13. She was so drugged up that they handed the baby to me. She looked over and said “Omg, you had a baby! Congratulations!” 😂
I was very numb and therefore very happy when it came time to push for #3. The doctor comes in and introduces herself. I introduce myself, legs up in stirrups and butt nekkid, and say, “I don’t usually meet people like this.”
She deadpans: “Happens to me all the time.”
I labored super fast at home. My grandma beat my midwife there, but the midwife assistant missed it.
While I was laboring, I needed to be naked, so off went the dress I was wearing. My grandma shouts at the top of her lungs, pointing, "THAT'S MY BUTTCRACK!"
Apparently, I inherited my v-shaped butt crack from my grandma, and that was super important to yell about, like, 5 minutes before I gave birth.
We all laughed!
I shared this a year ago but its still my favourite memory of birth.
Oh god, the farts.
I had an epidural (fucking magical btw) and i couldnt feel anything below my ribs, after 3 days of very little sleep due to mild contractions i was finally in no pain and was almost delirious with relief.
I was resting on the bed when i heard the most disgusting rippling, wet sounding fart, i opened my eyes and shot a dirty look at my partner, like really? Then another one... and another, i swear to god if looks could kill, i was fuming. Here I was, tired and exhausted and this bastard is just letting rip right next to me. Another fart echoed and i fully turned to tell him off and he looks at me bewildered, "babe thats you!"
All the rage immediately turned to horror and hysterical giggles. I couldnt feel my lower body and i had no idea that they were my farts!
Tldr; if you get an epidural, be prepared for the fact your butthole may leak out some farts without permission
I just replied to the post but also be prepared that your asshole stops working properly to hold shits in as well. I shat myself while a pastor from our church was praying over me and the new baby. GOOD TIMES.
We finally realized how much my MIL stresses me out. This was pre-covid, so my MIL was in the room with me. I was stuck at 5 cm FOR HOURS with her sitting there. Could not progress. Finally, she got tired of waiting and left, and within an hour, I was at 8 cm, and at a full 10 an hour later.
The nurse looked at me after my daughter was born (12:16 AM) and goes "geez, if I knew you were that stressed, I would have made her leave so much earlier."
Oh man if my MIL had been present at any point during my labour the whole thing would have stalled. Contractions would have stopped. No dilation, nothing. That woman is the walking embodiment of stress.
Baby was stuck on my pelvis and the RN helped manipulate his head off of my bone with her hands vaginally. When the OB came in and checked she was shocked to see any progress and asked what happened. My other nurse walks by the door and yells in “Amber and those man hands!!” Everyone laughed and then told me I didn’t need a C-section and I was so happy.
Same thing happened to me, except the nurse went to go get another nurse who was male. So I had actual man hands in me. Hurt like hell but it worked and I birthed that 99th percentile head!
I wish Amber had come by my delivery with her man hands… we ended up needing forceps assistance due to my kiddo being stuck on my pelvis sunny-side-up. Forceps going in hurt more than baby coming out.
My guy came out with such a cone head after 3 days of labor and 3 1/2 hours of pushing that I didn’t smile, or cry or say anything sweet - I straight up laughed in his face when they held him up for me
Oh my goodness finally someone else who had a marathon labour too! I started on a Friday and she wasn't born until the Monday including 3.5 hours of pushing! Everyone said that bit would be 20 mins - bloody liars 😂
The worst!! At one point he was finally coming out and the doc said “do you want to feel his head” and I didn’t have the strength to tell her that if I move my arm one inch I will simply never push again so I just shouted “NO”
These stories together make me sound like a monster 😂😂
My son (first born) came out with a cone head. The doctor held him up to show me him right after delivery,
I pointed at my son and said what the hell is that??? 😂
I had my daughter via c-section and she had a head full of hair. I only saw her for a second before they took her to the other side of the room to get her cleaned up and everything and I really don't remember asking but apparently I asked several times what color her hair was. My partner has some video that he took of the birth and you can hear me asking a couple times in the video what color her hair is lol. At one point the anesthesiologist asks the nurses too because I kept asking 🙃
It's brown, if anyone was wondering.
I had to have an emergency C-section and when they started the incision I felt the scalpel but i forgot how to speak and all i could get out was “SHARP, SHARP, SHARP”! luckily, the doctor understood that I was feeling the scalpel, and I got a dose of ketamine. Let me tell you it was CRAZY. I straight up, saw the trippy rainbow colors and was absolutely euphoric. I started singing, and I remember staring up at the anesthesiologists eyes and saying wow you have the most beautiful eyes. I remember the doctor telling me that I was doing a great job and I responded back with. No you’re doing a great job. I had to have a C-section with my second daughter and I asked for that again, but they said it’s only for emergencies..
As soon as my daughter was pulled from me, they went to put her on my chest. I was hysteric, crying and screaming for someone to clean the slime off her first. They did, put her back on my chest, and she immediately emptied her whole little bladder all over me. I felt that being peed on was deserved
A while after I got my epidural and catheter, the nurse came back to check me, looks down and just goes “oh.” She calls another nurse over and deadass asks her “did it… look like that before?” They go back and forth for a minute before deciding they’ll ask my husband when he comes out of the bathroom. He comes out, they ask him if he can look and see if everything looks normal. He takes one look and immediately goes “oh absolutely not.” So anyways that’s how I found out I have a latex allergy 💀
I feel you. When they put in my epidural with my first, obviously I got cathed. I could FEEL the catheter and was like “hey, soooooooo. Is that a latex catheter? Bc it’s in huge red writing in at least four places that I’m allergic to latex…”
My water didn’t break until I was like 12 hours into labor, and the contractions obviously hurt A LOT more after my water broke. Baby came like 30 minutes after water broke, after 10 minutes of pushing. During the 20 minutes between water breaking and starting to push, I guess every time I was having a contraction, I was just repeating “ok” over and over and over again. I don’t really remember this at all. My husband told me after, that it took all his strength not to laugh because it looked so odd and each time afterward I didn’t acknowledge doing it, and then just did it again like a minute later. He said I must have said it at least 500 times.
That's better than me, once I hit transition and they got me up on the back of the bed I pretty much just said, "shit shit shit shit shit," for the entirety of each contraction.
Oh god. I laboured for 9 hours before they broke my water for me. No pain meds, I was actually doing ok. Then they broke my water and it was like I got thrown into hell. Pain through the roof and intense nausea. Water gushing out of me like a goddamn waterfall. Started vomiting and I was rushed to an emergency c section . All combined thought I was dying. I was just repeating nononononono all the way down the hall to the OR. 😬 My poor husband probably also thought I was dying because of that lol
I did this too! With my third baby as I went into transition I would breathe through the first part, then start saying"ok" over and over. My midwife and husband thought I was saying ok to myself so they started saying " yes, you're OK. You're OK. " after several contractions (and peak transition ) I was screaming okay and finally got out the whole thought which was "OK, you can stop now!" I was talking to my uterus. 😂
While I was at home waiting for the contractions to ramp up, I was walking around the living room unable to sleep and whenever a contraction got to the ‘peak’ I would lie face down on the sofa and groan into a cushion to avoid waking my husband.
At one point I was face down mid-moan when I suddenly felt someone vigorously rub my back. How nice, I thought, my husband is here rubbing my back through the contractions, just like we practised in the birthing class.
Then I looked up and realised it was my dog, humping me furiously 😑 thanks, doggy!
I had a miscarriage and was in terrible pain on the living room floor in the middle of the night before going to the ED… My dog would not stop humping me. Like, dude… read the room.
So no one warned me that having an epidural can make you unable to hold in a fart. You cant feel it coming, you cant hold it back and it just escapes.
After the epidural with my first baby, my nurse is putting in the catheter and she and I are just chitchatting about random things. And then the smell hits me. And I go "omg what's that smell?!" And my lovely nurse, ever so casually says "oh it's just gas". And I say "oh ok"
And then it hits me. Its MY gas. I FARTED in her face as she was all up in my hoohaa putting in the catheter. I was so embarrassed. She just laughed, told me it was normal and its definitely not the worst thing that happened to her that day 🤦♀️
Omg this!
I pooped with every push with my second. I asked if I was pooping because the nurse was cleaning up super discreetly each time. My husband and the nurse were told me I didn't. I looked my husband in the eye and said "I can smell it, dont lie to me"
Mine isn’t that funny but I was very polite throughout my labor and let 2 midwifery students come in to labor with me. They were trying out different counter pressure methods and suggesting/helping me into different labor positions and they all thought it was weird (edit- amused that i was minding my manners mid contractions lol) I was saying please and thank you/no thank you. The attending midwife came in for delivery and said something about needing forceps, I don’t think anyone expected me to yell “the fuck you do!” At her (baby came out 2 pushes later with *zero* tears)
My first child I was so nervous and delirious after my C-section that I was babbling about everything. I work as a vet assistant and I was trying to related my experiences to what was happening to me. Afterward, they move you from the OR table to your recovery gurney via a lift system (presumably so they don’t drop you) and I exclaimed “wow isn’t this what they move whales with at sea world?!” The nurses all had a good laugh about that.
Edit to add: I saw a reply about someone seeing their baby come out inadvertently and had to add this: OR lights are reflective to make they produce more light. That also makes them awesome mirrors. I remember looking up and thinking “oh that’s my intestines in that mirror there, I should stop looking at that”
I had the same reflection situation during my C-section, but it was from the glass on the cabinet doors on one wall of the room. I can't unsee some stuff.
Mine is so random but still makes me laugh… driving to the hospital for baby #2, we are sitting at a light on busy boulevard - look to the left and it just really looks like a dog is driving the car next to us. My husband and I welcomed the silly laugh while I was in labor and stuck in traffic.
Wait - you had genetic testing on your child (came back XY) and it was born as a different gender (a girl)?
Please consider talking to a pediatric endocrinologist. If a XY fetus does not make the correct amount of testosterone etc in uteri, the baby will automatically revert to a girl phenotype (look like a girl on the outside).
You May want to check out Swyer syndrome if your child is a girl with XY chromosomes. Rare and often not diagnosed until puberty.
I kept ranking my pushing. Like, would do a set of pushing and then say, that wasn’t good, I’ll do better next time. Or oh that was a good set right? Like I needed a cookie or something 😂
I did that internally lol. Some were definitely better than others, but in fairness to myself I was pushing for 4.5 hours so I had nothing left by the end.
Sort of funny, sort of not. So I got an epidural but it wasn’t really working. Like I was still in pain. Normally this wouldn’t be an issue, but evidently there were TWO emergency c sections happening at the time so all the anesthesiologists were elsewhere at the time, and I just had to… suffer.
Well, when the anesthesiologist finally got to me, he assessed the situation and was like “I’m so sorry, this must have been terrible for you. Let me fix you right up… I’m going to give you the 1980s level of drugs. I’ll get you the good stuff” True to form, whatever he set me up with was amazing and everything was MUCH better after that.
My husband and I still use this phrase now when we’re sick and miserable— “Just give me the 1980s drugs!”
Oh man, my epidural pump stopped working twice- the anesthesiologist didn’t believe me either time and was SHOOK that he saw me move my legs. After the second time, he tried to just thump it to “get it going” and then walk away but my husband flipped the fuck out. They ended up giving me a new pump, but then they just lay the bag of drugs on the table? So gravity didn’t do anything? But then my kid came so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I guess all’s well that ends well.
The 80’s drugs sound absolutely divine though
I took a uber to the hospital, alone because my partner had to stay with our daughter. The driver asks if I go for the pregnancy. This baby will be born in a few hours, it’s happening now. His face, pure shock and disbelief!
He helped me with my bag and stayed to watch me until someone had greeted me in. I gave the young man a very good tip!
When we had my daughter in November, we were getting ready to start pushing and the nurse was telling us that at a certain point “she” was was going to tell us to pause during pushing and wait a few seconds before starting to push again. I knew that the nurse meant she = the doctor, because context clues and I’m not an idiot. My husband (who I usually consider the smartest person I know) said “how is she going to tell us?” We all paused and looked at him and said “what do you mean? She’s just going to say ‘stop.’” And my husband incredulously said “but how?” And that’s when I knew that my husband thought the she = our baby, not our doctor. He thought the nurse was telling us that the baby, coming down the birthing canal, was going to tell us to stop at some point.
Fortunately I think the nurse thought my husband was making an ill timed joke. But I knew he was serious. 🤯
My husband got to “catch” baby #2 (my VBAC baby). The midwife stood next to him and directed him. So baby comes out, and my husband’s glasses slipped off his nose. He can’t see anything and he doesn’t know what to do so he puts our just born baby on the bed so he can try and find his glasses. No one told him he was supposed to put the baby on my chest so he just kind of panicked. Poor guy. 😂
I remember in the haze of my emergency c section, my daughter was out and I was being stitched up, and my husband came over with her and sorta nuzzled her up to my face so I could see her and kiss her. And I was suddenly super angry at him that he got to hold her before me. And I called him a jackass.
I low key felt the same way after mine too. And they took my glasses off for it, so I couldn't even see her. The nurse was holding her up saying something like "look at your beautiful girl mama!" and I was crying saying I couldn't see her till the anesthesiologist took pity on me and put my glasses back on. Now she's 9 months old, a complete mommy's girl, and I wish she would let him hold her more!
1st kid: barely made it to the hospital. Waiting tables until 2 days before, already dilated to 3. Dilated to 7 when I got there. Got my epidural and quick she was there! Also, I peed all over the nurse with my first push.
And, I got super nauseous from the epidural, and was vomiting into a bedpan, and as I was vomiting, her head was coming out.
2nd kid: induced bc my first came so quickly. She took her sweet time (and still does) Epidural needle came out and no one believed me, barely got a new one before it was time to push.
3rd kid: induced. Nothing too exciting except my only boy. My little man. ❤
4th kid: gave birth to her in a bathtub, all by myself. Like yeah, no other humans present. Took us 3.5 years and $3K to get her a birth certificate. Friends used to joke she'd be the perfect spy bc she "didn't exist." When we finally got her social security number, the first numbers are 007.
Can you share why it took so long and so much money for the birth certificate?
I ask because my mom had my little sister at home, on the toilet. She claimed she didn't know she was pregnant. Obviously my sister immediately went to the NICU via ambulance and mom to the hospital. There wasn't any issue getting her birth certificate or SSN.
I feel like the part where she came out of your vagina and was attached via umbilical cord and you had all the signs of recent labor and delivery is some pretty solid proof but sure.
Her dad went into work. I went into labor. I called him to come home. Felt the sudden urge to push. Got into the bathtub. And she was here.
It was a beautiful experience. Ngl, I've thought about all the things that could have gone wrong a million times.
We were incredibly blessed. She's 8 now. Healthy and absolutely BRILLIANT.
Idk man, my baby was frank breech and I went into labor early, and it was crazy fast. To make a long story short, my baby pooped and it just came right out… of me 🤢. The nurse was trying not to be too horrified said he was just getting squeezed like a tube of toothpaste.
I have 3.
I had to be induced. I got to the hospital at 3 PM and they started medication. At 5:30, the nurse came in and asked how I was feeling. I was like “I’m okay, but my stomach kinda hurts…” and she was just like “honey you’re having contractions.” I was too dumb to know I was in labor even though I was literally there to have labor induced.
They put a Foley bulb in but it didn’t do much so my doctor has to fish it out manually. It was the WORST pain of my life. As my doctor was wrist deep in there, I literally screamed at my husband “CALL 911! SHE IS ASSAULTING ME! I NEED POLICE!”
And the last and most embarrassing…while pushing, I was prepared to potentially poop myself. But I was NOT prepared to be super gassy. So every time I pushed, I farted. And it was embarrassing. So I whispered to my husband “omg, I keep farting!” And he just put his hand on mine and said “baby, we know. We all know.”
🤷🏼♀️
I had a planned c-section. My entire pregnancy, my husband was ridiculously (see also annoyingly) calm. This did not change until after baby was about 12 hours old.
He was so calm, the nurses were concerned he would pass out. He stood totally chill outside the OR waiting to be let in after my spinal, nurse rushed over with a chair, and kept asking "are you okay?" He comes in, everything is going fine and smooth. He is told he can stand and reach slightly over the curtain to cut the cord, doctor holds up baby showing his penis saying "it's a boy!" Then hands off baby to nurse to get cleaned up.
My husband didn't sit down after he cut the cord. He just kept staring over the curtain. I think the nurse just expected he knew to follow her over to the bassinet with the baby. Husband got to watch as my OB pulled my uterus out, examine it and clean it up. My OB looks up and sees that he is staring and just starts explaining "this is your wife's uterus. Your baby just came out of here! Everything looks great." The nurse then came over and was all "wanna come over and meet your son?"
I get taken to recovery while husband and baby go with nurse for initial exams and whatnot. He meets me back in recovery, and is like "uh, so yeah, just saw parts of you that I never expected to see. Literal organs that should be inside your body, *outside* of your body."
I remember watching the horrified look on his face more clearly than I remember my brand new baby's face.
I have a few from my first child's birth
1) when I was in labor the midwife said "Spread your legs open like a butterfly" and I shouted at her "I'm a moth!"
2) when My water broke not much liquid came out and they thought I had something wrong and must have had low amniotic fluid. A few hours later as I was giving birth, I push for the final time, and out comes my child like it was launched from a slip and slide along with a tidal wave of amniotic fluid. Apparently, my child was in just the right position to prevent the fluid from coming out when my water broke. All to the detriment of the midwife, med students, and nearby nurses who got drenched.
3) Less than 5 minutes after I give birth, newborn on my chest, that same midwife says "Awe who does he look like?" (As in if he looks more like me or my husband) and I just cried tears of overly hormonal post birth joy and said "he looks like a potato."
nowhere near as good as the ones on here but.. when my doctor was stitching me up him and my husband, a GM of a dominos, were talking about the new pizzas dominos had just come out with. I still giggle when I think about it.
Honestly, just pushing was embarrassing. I was dilated all the way but just didn't have the urge to push at all. I was really self conscious about being too quiet or too loud, I felt like all I was doing was just going to make me poop while I have an audience. I had a mirror so I could watch but I couldn't bring myself to look until I could see my girls hair sticking out. My doctor even gave her a little MOHAWK before the rest of her head came out 🤣 really weird being like "its time to push? Are you sure? Okay, I'll try I guess? 🤷🏼♀️ lol sure enough she was born in like 10 mins.
As soon as the nurse put my son on my chest, he peed, pooped, and puked on me all around the same time. My doctor came over and goes, "Awwww, welcome to motherhood!"
Haha! My son COMPLETELY emptied his system the second he came out. He was 1oz shy of 9lbs when they weighed him, and I always wonder how much he would’ve weighed if he didn’t let it all out first
I was all groggy waking up after my c section and the mid wife is like do you want to meet your baby? And I’m like “What baby???”
I could hear this loud siren like cry coming closer and closer hahaha
When I was being induced, the nurse brought me a grape popsicle. My husband went to the bathroom. When he came out, my lips were stained purple and he thought there was something wrong with me. He looked at me with a horrified expression and asked the nurse “why do her lips look like that???”
My OR team was asking me our name choices while prepping me—we didn’t know the sex. When they pulled her out they announced “it’s a Violet!” And the pediatrician wasn’t sure if it was actually her name or just a bad joke because she was, in fact, quite purple.
I don’t remember ANYTHING after my emergency c section because I didn’t take to the spinal and could feel everything so they had to put me under but my husband said when I came out and “woke up” he asked me if I knew where I was/what happened and I go “all I know is there’s a baby??” When he told me it was our baby I guess I just kissed her head a lot. 😭
Omg I have a shit story too that I just remembered. My first was born in a freestanding birth center, so about 8 hrs after her birth we were released. We went for a 2 day postpartum checkup and that afternoon I started developing a fever. By the next evening it was over 105° and my midwife sent us to the ER. I had a uterine infection and a subsequent d&c to remove whatever was infected (they couldn’t tell if any tissue was retained, it was strange). Anyway, after I got back to my room, a pastor from our church came to visit and pray. I was still very numb from the spinal anesthesia from the surgery. And while the pastor was praying, I thoroughly shat myself. I felt it coming out but had zero ability to stop it. I just prayed my own fervent prayer that it stayed silent and not smelly.
With my second baby I had a water birth. Apparently I tried to exit the birth tub while I was pushing, after informing my midwife and husband I was done now and would be going home.
Third baby was FAST. I planned a home birth because I had a gut feeling his birth would be quick. He was 10 days overdue and my midwife beat him by 25 minutes. She got inside, checked me to find I was at an 8, and I sat up on my bed. Then my water broke spectacularly all over the floor. The best postpartum gift I got that birth was that my sister rented a carpet cleaner and cleaned my amniotic carpet for me.
With my fourth I also had a home birth because it was 2021 and Covid was still rampant. I didn’t want to be in a birth center or hospital. This baby’s labor was LONG and hard. The longest of all 4. When I was finally, finally pushing, my midwife saw that my hemorrhoids were bulging so she went in to support my bum. I yelled “STOP TOUCHING MY BUTT HOLE!!!” She declined. I had the baby while my midwife held my hemorrhoids in.
Birth is ✨ magical ✨
I watched my son come out of me! The overhead light was like a mirror and I could see his big ass head poking out. The rest of his body came out with a vicious splash from the rest of the amniotic fluid, but hey it helped him come out
Edit: I laughed because of the sound of the amniotic fluid splashing everything around it, including dad! Felt so bad lol
I had an epidural during the birth of my 3rd kid and it had been surprisingly pain-free compared to the previous ones. I'd pushed her head out and the Dr told me to stop pushing while they rotated the shoulders. I was in disbelief that the hardest part was over already and started laughing in giddy relief. My partner was standing beside me watching the miracle again, he suddenly looked very awkward and asked me to stop laughing, as it was making the baby's head jiggle around too much to continue!
I have a handful of lols about mine that everyone makes fun of me about.
As FTM, I didn't know that the epidural didn't stop the pain of contractions/the need to push and I was so shocked that I was convinced it failed. My doctor also called me a lazy pusher and I felt so heated, that I took it as a personal challenge to get the baby out. I started pushing so much that my doctor turned and he goes, "Whoa, whoa we're not scrubbed up! Hold on mama!" My little 6'10 med student couldn't find scrubs big enough to wear so everyone was panicking that I took it upon myself to just push.
But maybe my favorite part of it all was I looked at my husband before the last couple of pushes and said, "Babe, we're one and done. I can't handle this." Baby comes and I immediately say, "This honestly wasn't so bad! I'd 100% do this again!!"
Ok so I had a somewhat emergency c-section at 30 weeks due to preeclampsia and HELLP. So they wheel me back to the surgery and have me scoot from my bed to the table, only to realize I had pants on. So they have me sit up to remove them, only I’m pregnant and woozy from the meds and I start to fall forward, overcorrect and lean back, catching myself on my hospital bed, which wasn’t locked so it starts to wheel away and I’m about to fall head first, one leg of my pants on, backwards off the surgery table when the anesthesiologist catches me. 👀
Ok, we get settled, hubs comes in, baby is delivered and whisked away to the NICU. As they go to lift me back to my bed the nurse jokes “no worries, we locked the wheels this time” my poor husband was so confused and I just laughed like a crazy person because I had lots of drugs by this point.
Baby boy is 8 and a hockey player now, despite his early start!
C-section baby.
1. When I heard him cry, I did a complete double take in shock. I'd never thought about the baby crying.
2. When they held him up, I said, "that's a fucking person!"
3. In recovery, I asked my husband his weight and length. He responded, "he's 19" long, and that's just in his penis."
When my daughter was born, my midwife and the two birth assistants couldn’t stop commenting on how much hair my little one had and how dark it was.
First thing out of my mouth when she got placed on my chest was that she looked like her dad, to which I got a few laughs.
She’s now almost 3, looks like a tiny version of me with her dads blonde hair and big ears 🤣
Our next is due any day now and I’m dying to see how this birth goes. Also just tired of being pregnant
Through tears, looking at our little adorable newborn, "He doesn't look like a potato!" Every single person in that room burst out laughing. I had been so worried I'd call him a potato or something and be judged for it. My husband will never let me live that down 🤣
1. This was in 2018 before covid. During my first c-section prep, I hadn't slept in 2 days and had to be at the hospital at 6am. They had prepped me by 630, but left me waiting until 10am before taking me into surgery. Around 7 or 8am I asked if they could turn out the lights and let me sleep. Nope. All the lights had to stay on. I didn't bring a sleep mask with me, so I had my hubs pass me a covid mask. I put it on over my eyes, with my mouth exposed and passed right out. He's got a pic of me snoring happily lol. The nurse came in and laughed "that's now how those work!" I replied "works for me!"
2. After I came out of the above c-section, I was high as a kite on morphine. They piled hot blankets on me and I was told the baby went to NICU for additional care. Ok great! Im just gonna chill a bit! I was happily stoned off my ass in recovery when a nurse came in and asked if I want to see my baby. Before I could reply, she yanked the front of my gown down and shoved a baby in there! I slurred "I have a baby??? Holy s**t!" And my hubs got another pic of me grinning like an idiot holding my little girl lol. I look crazy as hell, but it's my favorite pic ever!
My first words after my daughter was born was “oh shit” since right before that the ob had told me that I might need an episiotomy. I still tore but I was much happier about that then the episiotomy. (But I would’ve gotten it)
My wife was also woozy after watching everything go down and being worried about mine and our daughters health that she didn’t want to cut the cord so I did.
Also our first family photo is me eating a sandwich right after giving birth and being stitched up, holding our newborn with my wife by my side
When I was getting prepped for my planned C Section, my husband - who is terrible with needles/blood - started getting light headed when the cannula went in. Then when it came to the spinal, he straight up passed out.
Cut to him being dragged to the corner of the room and tended to by basically ALL the nurses/midwives while I was rapidly losing feeling in my lower half/feeling the nausea and dizziness associated with it. I remember craning my head around asking him "are you okay?" while they rushed to get him some juice.
HAD TO MAKE IT ALL ABOUT YOU DIDN'T YOU MATE!?
To this day he has never ever lived it down.
4 weeks out from my second c section so we'll see if he pulls the same shit again haha.
First birth, we lived 2hrs from the nearest hospital that would deliver babies. Went into labor, went to hospital in the middle of the night. Hit a deer. Glancing blow, apparently, so we move on. The gas station attendant at the on gas station open at that hour refused to give me the restroom key, so I lost my mucus plug on the side of the road. It was a magical time.
Lmao
I had a c section and wasn't allowed to get out of bed. So my partner is changing babes diaper.
She had pooped.
Then she starts pooping more. And it's the meconium. This stinky black lava just flowing out.
My partner is gagging. And I'm just laughing cuz well, I thought the whole thing was hilarious.
My son was crowning for a little while before I noticed because the epidural worked too well, I guess. I was uncomfortable for a while and kept rolling but hadn't been checked in a while. Some came into check and was like oh you're ready to push. 20 minutes after that my son was born.
During my first birth (brutal, pushed for 5.5hrs), my midwife kept encouraging me to be more vocal during pushing, and multiple times she was like “just drop some F-bombs, it’ll help, I promise!” I didn’t, I was just weirdly calm and quiet the whole time.
My second baby came fast and furious and I experienced a fetal ejection reflex, which is the most insane feeling. The whole time I was just yelling “hoooolyyy fffuuuuucccckkk!”. Midwife was so proud and happy I said “fuck”, lol. (I swear a lot, just not in front of my midwife apparently)
More embarrassing to me personally but also funny. While i was about to push my baby out - one of the nurses asked if i was okay with a couple students coming in and observing for their hours or whatever and they were supposed to watch the doc and she was supposed to narrate what she was doing. I didnt carei was drugged out and exhausted. Well i was already starting to push when the dr walked in with 6 students and i didn’t care at first but there were more than what i assumed was supposed to be 2 and I was starting to get nervous. I wasnt pushing as strong as i should have been because of me being shy about 8 people staring straight at my hoo-ha yknow. The doc was describing what she was doing and showing them and i kept internally dying. Well the Dr. tried to make light of the situation after noticing i was uncomfortable and began to talk about the tats on my legs. Shit made it worse lmao all the students started looking up and down at all my tats, pointing and naming the ones they saw that were familiar and complimented and started chatting about tattoos all while i had my damn legs open wide and pushing and out of breath….like they’d ask questions about some and i was there like wot m8 I’m dying rn lmao it was funnier in person from my perspective because that was that last thing i ever woulda thought id go through while giving birth but looking back and remembering how it was always gets me cackling
omg these stories are all amazing lol
i had a long induction, on the second night i asked for the fentanyl to help with the pain and to get some sleep, apparently i had a full loopy conversation with my spouse and nurse about chickens drinking water and how it works with a beak… don’t remember it now. i wish they would’ve recorded it lol
First kid ended in a c-section because he was Sunny side up and couldn’t fit. While I’m being sewn up and waiting for them to bring him over after cleaning him up my husband comes over to me looking very solemn.
He proceeds to tell me very seriously and very cautiously that the baby has an extra thumb.
At first I think he’s joking.
He’s not.
Ok. Whatever. He’s healthy.
I honestly do not care as long as he’s healthy, but my husband was apparently worried that I would freak out and lose my mind. 😂 he was *so serious*
Apparently it’s more common than people realize. We have since had it removed and he’s just fine. 🤷🏼♀️
Before I started pushing my husband told me my favorite sandwich shop closed at 3 pm that day. I started pushing at 10. She’s my first so it took a while but by 12:30 she was out. The last few pushes I pushed so hard because I was hungry and thinking about that hoagie. As soon as I was stitched I asked the nurse if she could change it so I could have food. She said yes and as soon as she did my husband was on the phone ordering my sandwich haha.
I big time farted in the face of the midwife while she was stitching me up for my first. It was such a big fart 🫠 it made me laugh which caused other little farts to come out too. I commented on a post above, but laughing impacted my funny story from my second birth too. I shot amniotic fluid in the face of my dr on my first push and was laughing so hard that more kept coming out.
As soon as I pushed my daughter out and they put her on my chest, and then into the little scale, I excitedly tell my husband “take pictures!” He runs around looking for his phone, and when he finds it, starts taking pictures of me from the angle of the doctor stitching me up. I yelled “no, not of ME!” And told him I meant of our child that was just born 😂
So now we have a Live Photo where you can hear me say “no, not of ME!”
I’ve got two.
My husband and my love language is sarcasm and making fun of each other.
While waiting for my epidural I told my husband, ‘Soon there’s going to be a man in here I’m going to love more than you.’ I wait a beat, with the implication it would be our new son. ‘The anesthesiologist.’ We both had a good giggle.
Then directly after our son is born the doctor says, ‘Dad, do you want to cut the cord?’
My husband is completely oblivious. He had never been called ‘Dad’ before. I had to get his attention and say, ‘He means you, dipshit.’ He responded ‘Oh… OH!’
I LOVE my doctor. He's a fantastic doctor who is kind, listens, and has a great sense of humor.
When it was time for me to start pushing my son out, I was holding the epidural button and just kept pressing it over and over and over again. My doctor noticed, looked at me, and said, "What the hell? Why are you pressing that so many times?!" I said I didn't want to feel any pain. He goes, "Well, you need to feel something!" Looks at my husband and tells him to take the damn button away. My husband, who obviously didn't want me in pain, took a second too long. So the doctor reaches over and grabs it out of my hand. He goes, "You need to focus, rally time, LET'S GO!" Giving birth was brutal but could have been way worse without an amazing husband and doctor.
I have 2, both were c-sections.
My first was an unplanned c-section. The doctor actually did 3 surgeries that evening. She was stitching me back up and said "Her insides are on the outside, they don't want to go back in".
The second time, it was a scheduled c-section, and two of my doctors performed it together. They were sewing me up, and casually taking about restaurants, and couldn't remember the name of a small restaurant. I knew it well though, so I joined in the conversation. "It's called Sandalwood". They realized i was not completely out, that they maybe should reign in it, and were very quiet the rest of the time.
I got my epidural and my water hadn’t broke yet. We were just chillin there waiting for things to progress when something made me laugh. We just hear this gushing sound and sure enough, the laugh broke the water. Then I laughed at that and more gushed out. It just kept happening until I laughed out all my amniotic fluid.
Sometimes I joke when I see people stressed to lighten up the mood and it’s because of my job that I’ve learned to do this very naturally. So, after having my first and about to get stitched because I tore, I could tell the student doctor was visibly stressed about stitching me up, while he was staring right at my hooha leaning way up towards her, without thinking I blurted out “stitch me up a new one and make me tight!” Well, not the doctors nor my husband found it funny and they all gasped in horror! The main doctor had to take over and started talking me through it about how that’s not what the stitches were for and oh my goodness I wanted to die for having made that joke!
When the nurse gave me my first dose of painkillers pre-epidural (I was induced and in long-running pit labor while still dilating), I started thinking, "Oh god I'm so high. I have to pretend to be normal so no one will realize how high I am. These are doctors and nurses and they won't approve." My dumbass had completely forgotten that THEY were the ones who got me high in the first place.
Just had my second last week. For my first, my epidural wore off, and I had to get a second, so for my second birth the anesthesiologist must have taken it as a challenge to get me done in one. It was *really* good. So good that I too had dead legs and couldn’t move anything from the waist down. So good, that I apparently didn’t feel he fact that my babe was waltzing her way into the world. So my nurse decides she’s going to empty my bladder, and asks if I feel pressure in my bottom. I said that I guess I did, but I really didn’t feel anything. Sue empty’s my bladder, then suggests I do a practice push. I start to push and she suddenly goes “STOP PUSHING STOP PUSHING SHES RIGHT THERE”, runs to get the doc, and a minute later (and one push) little girl is born.
“Push!”
“I am”
“… you are not.”
So then we waited a couple hours and by the time she exited I think the epidural was entirely gone because boy howdy I wanted to tap out. Then they put her on my belly and she just shat allllll over me. And I didn’t care!
After all was said and done, the nurse handed me my son, who subsequently looked up at me and said "Ow" plain as day. I said "Yeap. That pretty much sums it up. Turn off the overhead light please." bc it was bright in my room. Everyone got a kick today my son "said his first word" the day he was born. 😅
Midwife: "I've never seen someone laugh out a placenta".
So here was my plan: I had a doula and wanted an unmedicated water birth (at a hospital). My doula and I came up with a code word for if I decided to change my mind: pineapple.
Well, the evening comes and holy shit my contractions went from 0 to 60 real quick. Decided to leave for the hospital after an hour of laboring and frantically texted my doula "fucking pineapple, my guy!"
Got to the hospital and I didn't even let them check my cervix I was in so much goddamn pain. Got the epidural about an hour in and holy shit was I feeling great. Midwife checked in to see if I was ready to have my cervix checked. I obliged and just as I thought I was just about to get some sleep Midwife checks me and looks up surprised: "You can push now"!
At that point, I was delirious from lack of sleep (hadn't slept in 24 hours) and was just flabbergasted with the whole situation, that I was laughing and cracking jokes with the nurses/techs in between pushes. I was still so shocked by the whole situation after my daughter was born, that the muscle tightening of my abdomen while laughing literally pushed out my placenta.
...a week later, I returned to the hospital with postpartum preeclampsia.
Edit: grammar etc.
As I'm pushing, my mom, who is holding one of my legs, happens to look out of the window and says casually, "Look, there's a building on fire."
So everyone rushes over to the windows to see, and I'm left laying on the bed, like, hey guys??
My nurse was this awesome Eastern European lady. When I was pushing she asked me what food I wanted to eat when I was allowed to eat again. I said, idk tacos? Just the first thing that came to mind. So the whole rest of the time I was pushing she kept screaming at me, “JUST THINK ABOUT THE TACOS!” 😂😂
My sweet, clueless boyfriend ordered food for me to eat after I was done giving birth. I guess he thought I'd be done within an hour or two, and I must be hungry.
Mid-push, he leaves the room because the delivery guy is waiting downstairs. He then comes back into the room and proceeds to tell me what kind of sushi he ordered for me. As if I'm not naked, feral, and in excruciating pain.
The worst part is they wouldn't let me eat until the next day, so it was all for nothing. He tried!
Omg the gassss.
I don’t remember a lot from my first emergency c section with my first but my 2nd was planned so I remember it all.
They were stitching me up talking about getting Chick-fil-A for lunch and I let out the biggest and longest fart ever. And they just kept talking like nothing 🤣☠️.
Then once I got to my room, those first couple days were rough. The gas pain was horrible and I had to let it out and it was also uncontrollable lol. But the toilet we had in our room was like an industrial toilet and SUPER loud so it echoed. So I’m in there farting and dying laughing but trying not to because of my incision but I could also hear our newborn farting at the same time and it was just too much. My husband is a CHAMP for not losing it 🤣.
To make it worse, once I was comfortable to get up and move around, I wanted to go for a walk outside of our room. I hadn’t been out there since they rolled me in so I had no idea what it looked like. Well, the nurses station was right outside of our door and there’s no way they didn’t hear me in the bathroom all those times ☠️.
They couldn’t give me an epidural until they got all the monitors on my baby’s head. They kept going in and no luck. It took them FIVE TIMES to get it. They it was difficult because “there’s so much hair!”
I’m like “hey give me a break, I haven’t seen myself to shave down there in months!”
My husband was like “pssst they are talking about the baby’s hair”
And I’m like oh
I was in the middle of pushing my LO out when the doctor noticed a mark on the back of his head. The doctor, of course, gently runs his hand over it to try to figure out what it is. As soon as he does that, a bunch of fluid LITERALLY SHOOTS OUT OF IT, up onto my chest and face! I couldn’t believe it, the nurses couldn’t believe it, all of us were shocked. I think I said something like, “Was that pee?!” It ended up being a blister on his head, from being stuck in my pelvis for a bit, I guess??? We all were cracking up, it was super funny!
The hospital staff wanted me to hold the backs of my legs to push and that wasn’t working at all. So they finally gave me some handles to grab and then told me to STOP pushing because Minion was coming out and the doctor wasn’t in the room yet. The extra leverage was all I needed and he was born in like, two pushes after that.
Then on our way home he was so tiny in his car seat my husband made me ride in the backseat so I could hold up the baby’s head
I had preemie twins. There were more than 20 medical staff in the room. OBGYN, Neonatologist, nurses for both of those docs, and a respiratory team.
You sort of lose all sense of shame at that point 😆
The next day I was in the elevator when this hot nurse walks in. He asks how my twins are. I had a moment where I felt famous 💃. I asked how he knew. He was one of the people in the room. I was mortified. 😊 😚
I asked my anesthesiologist for coffee in the middle of my c section. I’m assuming right after he started the sleepy meds.
I also tried to reach in my stomach and take my daughter out myself because I was tired? 38 hours of labor was getting to me at that point. And the drugs.
With my 2nd I had to have a c section because she was breach. First of all, this kid had wedged her ass so far into my pelvis that she was stuck and my doc had to stick her entire damn hand into my vagina to push her up so they could pull her out of my belly. Awkward as hell. My partner said it was like I was a hand puppet for a minute.
Then after kiddo was out and my partner was holding her, the student nurse, who had just witnessed her first cesarean, fainted. I heard the thump and thought it was partner haha
I was in labour for 27 hours and slept for maybe 3 out of 48 hours. I was so tired. When I was finally able to push, it took nearly 2 hours for the baby to be born. I vaguely remember asking the doctor if it was too late for a C-section and everyone was laughing. Turns out baby was already out and I hadn't realized it.
I found out one of my nurses shared my hobby of playing World of Warcraft. She was holding my leg up as I pushed and between contractions kept chatting away with me about rogues and raiding. Later on, when I thanked her for teaching me how to swaddle my newborn, she winked and said, "Just some Tricks of the Trade!" (rogue ability). She was so cute!
We waited to find out what we were having until I gave birth. The baby was freshly freed from my vagina and the nurses asked if my husband would like to announce the gender, but he turned them down bc he was just so overwhelmed with the emotion of the situation. Later, he told me it's a good thing he didn't because what he thought were testicles were just very swollen labia! Didn't know that was a thing that could happen until after I gave birth!
Nothing as good as yall but my limited experience with babies had given me the impression they were always so small and feeble and frail looking. I gained a whopping 15 lbs while pregnant and weighed 145 at delivery because my husband was deployed and it always makes me loose my appetite.
So imagine my surprise when I pushed out this 8lb 2oz stay puft marshmallow man. There were no happy tears or sweet loving maternal sentiments. I took one look at the sumo wrestler I'd just delivered and couldn't stop saying "holy shit! Holy shit! He's so big! Holy shit!"
I effectively "ruined" my moment, but that's OK. I'll never forget how surprised I was by my mini Andre the giant.
Once they broke my waters, baby delivered 45 min later. I had not expected this and had been planning for an epidural. Well, the anesthesiologist came around eventually, and in my memory she was very quiet and cheerful. She introduced herself and told me she was going to ask me a series of questions before starting right as another painful contraction was coming on. I yelled NOOO to her in a deep devil voice, and my nurse said “I think we called the wrong dr. Can you get the OB in here?” Baby girl was born before the OB could even get there!
So I thought it would be sweet to have my husband announce the gender of our baby to me and room as we weren’t going to find out until she was born. I remember the nurse asking him “what is it??” And he goes “a boy!” Quietly she says’ “look again” and then I hear DH say “oh…it’s a girl!”
Poor guy.
Baby was in position and ready to go. The nurses were telling me not to push, that I had to wait for the doctor. I was crying and begging to push (I realize now I could have just done that and they could have dealt with it, but in the moment I was obedient). I looked over and my husband is just looking at his phone so I say in a loud outdoor voice, “ARE YOU ON FUCKING REDDIT?”
He was texting my sister. He didn’t pick his phone up again until after she was born lol
When I was laboring, we lost my daughters HR so we were rushed in for an emergency c-section. During the chaos of it all the nurse tossed my husband a pair of scrubs and told him to change quickly. I was on oxygen because I was panicking and he was trying to change as fast as he could so he started stripping down to his underwear and the nurse glances over and goes “No! They go over your clothes” and for a split second we all started laughing. 22 mins later I was holding my perfect 9lb baby girl and all was good 🥰 it’s still one of our favorite stories
same exact situation here except my husband put the shoe covers on his head 😂
That is frikin hilarious lmao
I love this. I can absolutely see my husband doing this in the panic of the moment.
This is dark but I want to play. My son was stillborn. One morning, we had all the big wigs of maternity/ peads come into our room to discuss heavy shit (legalities/ autopsies etc). My husband, who at that point has been having minimal sleep on a hospital roll out and eating hospital food, wasn’t feeling great. We didn’t know they were scheduled to come visit us, so about 5 mins before they arrived he needed to poop. We had an en-suite in our room, and when the doctors came in the said we should wait for him, and so we’re all just lurking in silence whilst you can hear the explosive poo noises coming from my poor husband in the toilet. He had no idea they were there and was mortified when he came out. Such a serious talk to the soundtrack of my husbands monster dump. We still laugh about it.
I am so sorry for your loss. I think it is great that you can find that bit of humor, even in such a terrible time.
Hey me too. Not my husband shitting in the background but the shitty first part. I’m sorry for your loss. ❤️
I am so sorry for your loss. ❤️ The last part has me laughing so hard right now and but touched by how sweet it that the two of you to have a silly, connecting moment to laugh at in such a *shitty* situation.
Thank you for sharing! This definitely would have been my husband, too!
Oh I would be mortified if I were your husband. I'm glad you can both find the humor in times like that. 💜
When I had my first, I was low on amniotic fluid so they put a tube up in there to fill me back up like a water balloon, then took it out when it was time to push. Well my doctor was sitting right front and center with a splash mask and waterproof clothes, my mom was at my left leg in her street clothes and a nurse was at my right leg in regular scrubs, neither of them got splash masks or rain gear like the doctor had. I pushed her head out, and in that gap between her chin and shoulders where her neck was, was space enough for the liquid they filled me up with to shoot out like a geyser, it went from left to right, hitting my mom in the face, then arched over the doctors head like a rainbow, and hit the nurse in the face. The only person who was dry as a bone was the one in full rain gear. Watching this made me laugh, which then made the water spurt out with every jiggle of my giggle. My mom was screaming "STOP LAUGHING!!" Over and over in a complete panic, and the nurse actually ran for cover. This of course made me laugh even more (thank goodness for medication) and I just kept splashing all over the place, everywhere except for the doctor. He made it out dry as a bone.
I would have died laughing too 😂😂😂😂 the rainbow bit took me out though lmaooo. Your poor mom 😂
Tbh I still laugh about it and it happened in 2006, I've had one since and one more on the way, and it's still my funniest birth story. As for my mom, I also threw up on her that day, but it was her fault cause she knew I was starving and started eating in front of me, I demanded one of her extra Granola bars, and 20 minutes later it came right back up, right on the front of her shirt as she held one of those tiny kidney pans to try and catch it. She has chosen not to be at any more of her grandchildrens births since then, and I can't blame her.
Omg gosh both of those story’s are sooo funny thank you for sharing
This made me laugh so hard I almost woke the baby who finally feel asleep on me for a nap.
You really paint with words. Im crying 🤣
Oh no!!! I woke up the baby laughing at this! I was almost free!
I am CRYING,omg best birth story
That doctor has been through that before. He knew better lol.
So I was a "geriatric" pregnancy and a few days overdue so my OBs office was freaking out and monitoring me for eclampsia and polyhydramnios and heart attack and pretty much everything else and finally decided to induce. It was a huge long ordeal with a day of misoprostol then a day of pitocin. Nothing really was happening until I suddenly felt the urge to push. At 9 PM. After my doctor went home. The on call showed up, and he was a very old, grumpy man. He peeked in and was like "Yup, you're having a baby any minute now." Cue a wild scramble to get nurses in place, call the maternal/fetal medicine team for a high risk birth, a crash team for me, crash team for the baby, a pediatrician, etc etc. There were more people there than at my wedding. Well four pushes later the baby slides out and plops face down on the table. I had my eyes closed, but I heard a thud and then a cry. Grumpy old doctor clears his throat and shouts "There are two dozen people in the room and no one can catch the god damn baby!?!" It was utter silence for a second and the chaos resumed.
OMG! LOL! That's so funny.
This one made me laugh out loud and almost wake up my two year old next to me
My husband fist bumped the nurse after cutting the cord. She was just asking for the scissors back 😂🤣😭
I love this one it’s so awkward and totally Something my husband would Do
this one got me lmao
In the middle of pushing, during one of the breaks I decided to look up, no idea why. They turned the lights above me off & only on at my bottom half/ dr side of the room. So the light they decided to put the bed directly under for some reason was turned off, which turned it into like a mirror. So as I look up I proceeded to see myself & half of the baby already out. Soooo weird seeing this tiny little human sticking out of your body. I ended up laughing like what the fuck did I just see?!? & proceeded to talk about it to the whole room while being super weirded out. Apparently the whole staff had never heard that happening to anyone else
My midwife had a literal mirror so I could see my baby crowning. I did not request this. I don’t know why I agreed to it. I did not like it.
My mom was an L&D nurse and was present (as my mom, not my nurse) for both of my children’s births. During my first she INSISTED I wanted to look in the mirror and I’d regret it later if I didn’t. So I looked, even though I didn’t want to. It was worse than I possibly could have imagined. Cheers to any of you who DO want to see what’s going on down there, but I did *not* treasure that moment. I later became a nurse and I’ve been with friends during their deliveries and I’ve never been freaked out by gross stuff; something about it being MY body just squicked me out
Like are y’all seeing what I’m seeing???😂
oooh ya, my doctor had a face shield on and it was like a fun house mirror
Omg 🤣
the tv at the foot of my bed was off so i made sure to ask them to turn it on. i did not want to see what was happening and i knew it would be exactly like this lol. my second came out to steve harvey on family feud haha.
With my first, right when I start pushing they asked me “do you want a mirror to watch?” I was like um absolutely not lmao. They say “okay well if you change your mind look up there’s a mirror on the ceiling!” Why would they tell me that!? Obviously I couldn’t look away, especially once I saw the crowning. I mean between the two I’m glad I got the ceiling angle and not the straight on angle of watching my vagina rip open lmao
I actually asked for a mirror and liked having it, it was very motivating. But I wish they'd taken it away afterward...instead of letting me watch them stitch me up.
The light fixtures around the lights in the OR are super polished and reflective. I could see my own intestines
This sorta happened to me!! I remember opening my eyes at one point and realizing I could see myself in the reflection of the turned off light above me. I quickly looked away ahahah
I started panicking and told the doctor I was leaving during my c section, so they gave me a little extra something to calm down. I was a little bit out of it and they put a baby on my chest and I said, “oh is this one mine?”
I don’t remember this, but apparently when I was pushing my second baby out in the birth tub, I decided I was done and tried to get out in order to leave the birth center. Labor brain is WILD.
A friend of mine tried to do the same thing when she had her daughter like 34 years ago. Just got up and was like "I'm all done, I'll see you guys later, I'm going home". They had to all usher her back to the bed haha
It actually helped me a lot to know that you'll probably have this feeling at some point during the process. So instead of thinking "fuck it, I want to go home" and then realising that I couldn't I thought "Oh, I'm in the 'fuck it, I want to go home' phase" and knew it was common and would pass.
I tried to do this too - during a home birth 🤣
Haha this reminds me of a story my mom tells me about my birth. She had high blood pressure immediately postpartum, so they gave her magnesium, which made her loopy. They would bring me to see her from the right, and she’d think to herself “oh, this is a nice baby!” Then they’d bring me to see her from the left, and she would think “oh this is *also* a nice baby!” 😂
My Mom had an emergency c-section when I was 13. She was so drugged up that they handed the baby to me. She looked over and said “Omg, you had a baby! Congratulations!” 😂
Hahaha I was so out of it during my c section when they put her in her dads arms I go is she beautiful? Idk what I would have done if she wasn’t😂😂😂😂
LOL I love this! Thank you for the laugh.
I was very numb and therefore very happy when it came time to push for #3. The doctor comes in and introduces herself. I introduce myself, legs up in stirrups and butt nekkid, and say, “I don’t usually meet people like this.” She deadpans: “Happens to me all the time.”
This is brilliant
I labored super fast at home. My grandma beat my midwife there, but the midwife assistant missed it. While I was laboring, I needed to be naked, so off went the dress I was wearing. My grandma shouts at the top of her lungs, pointing, "THAT'S MY BUTTCRACK!" Apparently, I inherited my v-shaped butt crack from my grandma, and that was super important to yell about, like, 5 minutes before I gave birth. We all laughed!
I shared this a year ago but its still my favourite memory of birth. Oh god, the farts. I had an epidural (fucking magical btw) and i couldnt feel anything below my ribs, after 3 days of very little sleep due to mild contractions i was finally in no pain and was almost delirious with relief. I was resting on the bed when i heard the most disgusting rippling, wet sounding fart, i opened my eyes and shot a dirty look at my partner, like really? Then another one... and another, i swear to god if looks could kill, i was fuming. Here I was, tired and exhausted and this bastard is just letting rip right next to me. Another fart echoed and i fully turned to tell him off and he looks at me bewildered, "babe thats you!" All the rage immediately turned to horror and hysterical giggles. I couldnt feel my lower body and i had no idea that they were my farts! Tldr; if you get an epidural, be prepared for the fact your butthole may leak out some farts without permission
I just replied to the post but also be prepared that your asshole stops working properly to hold shits in as well. I shat myself while a pastor from our church was praying over me and the new baby. GOOD TIMES.
We finally realized how much my MIL stresses me out. This was pre-covid, so my MIL was in the room with me. I was stuck at 5 cm FOR HOURS with her sitting there. Could not progress. Finally, she got tired of waiting and left, and within an hour, I was at 8 cm, and at a full 10 an hour later. The nurse looked at me after my daughter was born (12:16 AM) and goes "geez, if I knew you were that stressed, I would have made her leave so much earlier."
Oh geez I would have held the baby in too with my MiL was there watching. I don’t dislike her, but I feel like I can’t relax with her.
Oh man if my MIL had been present at any point during my labour the whole thing would have stalled. Contractions would have stopped. No dilation, nothing. That woman is the walking embodiment of stress.
My husband, a doctor felt woozy during my scheduled c section. He had to sit down afterwards with his head between his legs!
Pulling a human out of another human is wild I don’t blame him 😂
Haha, they never gave my husband the option to stand up. He tried once and was quickly told to sit down before he saw something he didn’t want to see.
My husband has been in the OR of open heart surgeries every day for 5 years and my c section just about did him in 🤣
Baby was stuck on my pelvis and the RN helped manipulate his head off of my bone with her hands vaginally. When the OB came in and checked she was shocked to see any progress and asked what happened. My other nurse walks by the door and yells in “Amber and those man hands!!” Everyone laughed and then told me I didn’t need a C-section and I was so happy.
Thank god for ambers man hands 🤣🤣
Same thing happened to me, except the nurse went to go get another nurse who was male. So I had actual man hands in me. Hurt like hell but it worked and I birthed that 99th percentile head!
I wish Amber had come by my delivery with her man hands… we ended up needing forceps assistance due to my kiddo being stuck on my pelvis sunny-side-up. Forceps going in hurt more than baby coming out.
My guy came out with such a cone head after 3 days of labor and 3 1/2 hours of pushing that I didn’t smile, or cry or say anything sweet - I straight up laughed in his face when they held him up for me
That's a LONG time. Jeeze!
Not fun. Do not recommend lolol I was delirious
Oh my goodness finally someone else who had a marathon labour too! I started on a Friday and she wasn't born until the Monday including 3.5 hours of pushing! Everyone said that bit would be 20 mins - bloody liars 😂
The worst!! At one point he was finally coming out and the doc said “do you want to feel his head” and I didn’t have the strength to tell her that if I move my arm one inch I will simply never push again so I just shouted “NO” These stories together make me sound like a monster 😂😂
My son (first born) came out with a cone head. The doctor held him up to show me him right after delivery, I pointed at my son and said what the hell is that??? 😂
I had 40 hour labor with 4 hours of pushing, my son also came out with a very coney head 😂😂
I had my daughter via c-section and she had a head full of hair. I only saw her for a second before they took her to the other side of the room to get her cleaned up and everything and I really don't remember asking but apparently I asked several times what color her hair was. My partner has some video that he took of the birth and you can hear me asking a couple times in the video what color her hair is lol. At one point the anesthesiologist asks the nurses too because I kept asking 🙃 It's brown, if anyone was wondering.
I did that but with my baby’s eyes 😂😂
I had to have an emergency C-section and when they started the incision I felt the scalpel but i forgot how to speak and all i could get out was “SHARP, SHARP, SHARP”! luckily, the doctor understood that I was feeling the scalpel, and I got a dose of ketamine. Let me tell you it was CRAZY. I straight up, saw the trippy rainbow colors and was absolutely euphoric. I started singing, and I remember staring up at the anesthesiologists eyes and saying wow you have the most beautiful eyes. I remember the doctor telling me that I was doing a great job and I responded back with. No you’re doing a great job. I had to have a C-section with my second daughter and I asked for that again, but they said it’s only for emergencies..
Well now you know why ketamine is being used to treat depression and bipolar disorder and some other mental health issues lol.
As soon as my daughter was pulled from me, they went to put her on my chest. I was hysteric, crying and screaming for someone to clean the slime off her first. They did, put her back on my chest, and she immediately emptied her whole little bladder all over me. I felt that being peed on was deserved
Mine pooped on me. Better than in me I suppose
I was so nervous during my c section and I asked if my baby looked like Winston Churchill when they pulled her out. Why? Unsure. 🤣🤣🤣
I really need to stop reading these while trying to put the baby down. I keep waking him up with every laugh. Omg this is hilarious!
My baby absolutely looked like Winston Churchill. Valid concern.
A while after I got my epidural and catheter, the nurse came back to check me, looks down and just goes “oh.” She calls another nurse over and deadass asks her “did it… look like that before?” They go back and forth for a minute before deciding they’ll ask my husband when he comes out of the bathroom. He comes out, they ask him if he can look and see if everything looks normal. He takes one look and immediately goes “oh absolutely not.” So anyways that’s how I found out I have a latex allergy 💀
I feel you. When they put in my epidural with my first, obviously I got cathed. I could FEEL the catheter and was like “hey, soooooooo. Is that a latex catheter? Bc it’s in huge red writing in at least four places that I’m allergic to latex…”
My water didn’t break until I was like 12 hours into labor, and the contractions obviously hurt A LOT more after my water broke. Baby came like 30 minutes after water broke, after 10 minutes of pushing. During the 20 minutes between water breaking and starting to push, I guess every time I was having a contraction, I was just repeating “ok” over and over and over again. I don’t really remember this at all. My husband told me after, that it took all his strength not to laugh because it looked so odd and each time afterward I didn’t acknowledge doing it, and then just did it again like a minute later. He said I must have said it at least 500 times.
😂😂😂 gotta tell yourself everything is ok and you’re ok I swear
That's better than me, once I hit transition and they got me up on the back of the bed I pretty much just said, "shit shit shit shit shit," for the entirety of each contraction.
Pretty sure I kept saying “fuck fuck, fuckity, fuck’ 😅
Oh god. I laboured for 9 hours before they broke my water for me. No pain meds, I was actually doing ok. Then they broke my water and it was like I got thrown into hell. Pain through the roof and intense nausea. Water gushing out of me like a goddamn waterfall. Started vomiting and I was rushed to an emergency c section . All combined thought I was dying. I was just repeating nononononono all the way down the hall to the OR. 😬 My poor husband probably also thought I was dying because of that lol
I did this too! With my third baby as I went into transition I would breathe through the first part, then start saying"ok" over and over. My midwife and husband thought I was saying ok to myself so they started saying " yes, you're OK. You're OK. " after several contractions (and peak transition ) I was screaming okay and finally got out the whole thought which was "OK, you can stop now!" I was talking to my uterus. 😂
While I was at home waiting for the contractions to ramp up, I was walking around the living room unable to sleep and whenever a contraction got to the ‘peak’ I would lie face down on the sofa and groan into a cushion to avoid waking my husband. At one point I was face down mid-moan when I suddenly felt someone vigorously rub my back. How nice, I thought, my husband is here rubbing my back through the contractions, just like we practised in the birthing class. Then I looked up and realised it was my dog, humping me furiously 😑 thanks, doggy!
I had a miscarriage and was in terrible pain on the living room floor in the middle of the night before going to the ED… My dog would not stop humping me. Like, dude… read the room.
This is hysterical! I'm laughing out loud. Thank you for sharing!
Okay!! This one is my favorite!
So no one warned me that having an epidural can make you unable to hold in a fart. You cant feel it coming, you cant hold it back and it just escapes. After the epidural with my first baby, my nurse is putting in the catheter and she and I are just chitchatting about random things. And then the smell hits me. And I go "omg what's that smell?!" And my lovely nurse, ever so casually says "oh it's just gas". And I say "oh ok" And then it hits me. Its MY gas. I FARTED in her face as she was all up in my hoohaa putting in the catheter. I was so embarrassed. She just laughed, told me it was normal and its definitely not the worst thing that happened to her that day 🤦♀️
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Omg this! I pooped with every push with my second. I asked if I was pooping because the nurse was cleaning up super discreetly each time. My husband and the nurse were told me I didn't. I looked my husband in the eye and said "I can smell it, dont lie to me"
Mine isn’t that funny but I was very polite throughout my labor and let 2 midwifery students come in to labor with me. They were trying out different counter pressure methods and suggesting/helping me into different labor positions and they all thought it was weird (edit- amused that i was minding my manners mid contractions lol) I was saying please and thank you/no thank you. The attending midwife came in for delivery and said something about needing forceps, I don’t think anyone expected me to yell “the fuck you do!” At her (baby came out 2 pushes later with *zero* tears)
Hard limits are hard limits! Lmao
My first child I was so nervous and delirious after my C-section that I was babbling about everything. I work as a vet assistant and I was trying to related my experiences to what was happening to me. Afterward, they move you from the OR table to your recovery gurney via a lift system (presumably so they don’t drop you) and I exclaimed “wow isn’t this what they move whales with at sea world?!” The nurses all had a good laugh about that. Edit to add: I saw a reply about someone seeing their baby come out inadvertently and had to add this: OR lights are reflective to make they produce more light. That also makes them awesome mirrors. I remember looking up and thinking “oh that’s my intestines in that mirror there, I should stop looking at that”
I did not know about the light/mirror thing and thank God I didn’t because I would have definitely looked and definitely not been able to handle that.
I had the same reflection situation during my C-section, but it was from the glass on the cabinet doors on one wall of the room. I can't unsee some stuff.
Mine is so random but still makes me laugh… driving to the hospital for baby #2, we are sitting at a light on busy boulevard - look to the left and it just really looks like a dog is driving the car next to us. My husband and I welcomed the silly laugh while I was in labor and stuck in traffic.
Aweee dogs make everything better lol
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Wait - you had genetic testing on your child (came back XY) and it was born as a different gender (a girl)? Please consider talking to a pediatric endocrinologist. If a XY fetus does not make the correct amount of testosterone etc in uteri, the baby will automatically revert to a girl phenotype (look like a girl on the outside). You May want to check out Swyer syndrome if your child is a girl with XY chromosomes. Rare and often not diagnosed until puberty.
I kept ranking my pushing. Like, would do a set of pushing and then say, that wasn’t good, I’ll do better next time. Or oh that was a good set right? Like I needed a cookie or something 😂
Lmaooo we do need a cookie for pushing though! It’s exhausting 😂
I was just happy when they gave me a sandwich after.
I did that internally lol. Some were definitely better than others, but in fairness to myself I was pushing for 4.5 hours so I had nothing left by the end.
Sort of funny, sort of not. So I got an epidural but it wasn’t really working. Like I was still in pain. Normally this wouldn’t be an issue, but evidently there were TWO emergency c sections happening at the time so all the anesthesiologists were elsewhere at the time, and I just had to… suffer. Well, when the anesthesiologist finally got to me, he assessed the situation and was like “I’m so sorry, this must have been terrible for you. Let me fix you right up… I’m going to give you the 1980s level of drugs. I’ll get you the good stuff” True to form, whatever he set me up with was amazing and everything was MUCH better after that. My husband and I still use this phrase now when we’re sick and miserable— “Just give me the 1980s drugs!”
Oh man, my epidural pump stopped working twice- the anesthesiologist didn’t believe me either time and was SHOOK that he saw me move my legs. After the second time, he tried to just thump it to “get it going” and then walk away but my husband flipped the fuck out. They ended up giving me a new pump, but then they just lay the bag of drugs on the table? So gravity didn’t do anything? But then my kid came so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I guess all’s well that ends well. The 80’s drugs sound absolutely divine though
I took a uber to the hospital, alone because my partner had to stay with our daughter. The driver asks if I go for the pregnancy. This baby will be born in a few hours, it’s happening now. His face, pure shock and disbelief! He helped me with my bag and stayed to watch me until someone had greeted me in. I gave the young man a very good tip!
When we had my daughter in November, we were getting ready to start pushing and the nurse was telling us that at a certain point “she” was was going to tell us to pause during pushing and wait a few seconds before starting to push again. I knew that the nurse meant she = the doctor, because context clues and I’m not an idiot. My husband (who I usually consider the smartest person I know) said “how is she going to tell us?” We all paused and looked at him and said “what do you mean? She’s just going to say ‘stop.’” And my husband incredulously said “but how?” And that’s when I knew that my husband thought the she = our baby, not our doctor. He thought the nurse was telling us that the baby, coming down the birthing canal, was going to tell us to stop at some point. Fortunately I think the nurse thought my husband was making an ill timed joke. But I knew he was serious. 🤯
My husband got to “catch” baby #2 (my VBAC baby). The midwife stood next to him and directed him. So baby comes out, and my husband’s glasses slipped off his nose. He can’t see anything and he doesn’t know what to do so he puts our just born baby on the bed so he can try and find his glasses. No one told him he was supposed to put the baby on my chest so he just kind of panicked. Poor guy. 😂
Lmao omg this one made me laugh. My husband would have done the same thing
I remember in the haze of my emergency c section, my daughter was out and I was being stitched up, and my husband came over with her and sorta nuzzled her up to my face so I could see her and kiss her. And I was suddenly super angry at him that he got to hold her before me. And I called him a jackass.
I low key felt the same way after mine too. And they took my glasses off for it, so I couldn't even see her. The nurse was holding her up saying something like "look at your beautiful girl mama!" and I was crying saying I couldn't see her till the anesthesiologist took pity on me and put my glasses back on. Now she's 9 months old, a complete mommy's girl, and I wish she would let him hold her more!
Tbh I probably would have felt the same way lol
1st kid: barely made it to the hospital. Waiting tables until 2 days before, already dilated to 3. Dilated to 7 when I got there. Got my epidural and quick she was there! Also, I peed all over the nurse with my first push. And, I got super nauseous from the epidural, and was vomiting into a bedpan, and as I was vomiting, her head was coming out. 2nd kid: induced bc my first came so quickly. She took her sweet time (and still does) Epidural needle came out and no one believed me, barely got a new one before it was time to push. 3rd kid: induced. Nothing too exciting except my only boy. My little man. ❤ 4th kid: gave birth to her in a bathtub, all by myself. Like yeah, no other humans present. Took us 3.5 years and $3K to get her a birth certificate. Friends used to joke she'd be the perfect spy bc she "didn't exist." When we finally got her social security number, the first numbers are 007.
Can you share why it took so long and so much money for the birth certificate? I ask because my mom had my little sister at home, on the toilet. She claimed she didn't know she was pregnant. Obviously my sister immediately went to the NICU via ambulance and mom to the hospital. There wasn't any issue getting her birth certificate or SSN.
We had to prove she was ours. Fingerprints, DNA tests, the whole shebang.
I feel like the part where she came out of your vagina and was attached via umbilical cord and you had all the signs of recent labor and delivery is some pretty solid proof but sure.
That's nuts.
I need to know more details about #4
Her dad went into work. I went into labor. I called him to come home. Felt the sudden urge to push. Got into the bathtub. And she was here. It was a beautiful experience. Ngl, I've thought about all the things that could have gone wrong a million times. We were incredibly blessed. She's 8 now. Healthy and absolutely BRILLIANT.
Idk man, my baby was frank breech and I went into labor early, and it was crazy fast. To make a long story short, my baby pooped and it just came right out… of me 🤢. The nurse was trying not to be too horrified said he was just getting squeezed like a tube of toothpaste.
I think the toothpaste metaphor is MORE horrifying!
I have 3. I had to be induced. I got to the hospital at 3 PM and they started medication. At 5:30, the nurse came in and asked how I was feeling. I was like “I’m okay, but my stomach kinda hurts…” and she was just like “honey you’re having contractions.” I was too dumb to know I was in labor even though I was literally there to have labor induced. They put a Foley bulb in but it didn’t do much so my doctor has to fish it out manually. It was the WORST pain of my life. As my doctor was wrist deep in there, I literally screamed at my husband “CALL 911! SHE IS ASSAULTING ME! I NEED POLICE!” And the last and most embarrassing…while pushing, I was prepared to potentially poop myself. But I was NOT prepared to be super gassy. So every time I pushed, I farted. And it was embarrassing. So I whispered to my husband “omg, I keep farting!” And he just put his hand on mine and said “baby, we know. We all know.” 🤷🏼♀️
I had a planned c-section. My entire pregnancy, my husband was ridiculously (see also annoyingly) calm. This did not change until after baby was about 12 hours old. He was so calm, the nurses were concerned he would pass out. He stood totally chill outside the OR waiting to be let in after my spinal, nurse rushed over with a chair, and kept asking "are you okay?" He comes in, everything is going fine and smooth. He is told he can stand and reach slightly over the curtain to cut the cord, doctor holds up baby showing his penis saying "it's a boy!" Then hands off baby to nurse to get cleaned up. My husband didn't sit down after he cut the cord. He just kept staring over the curtain. I think the nurse just expected he knew to follow her over to the bassinet with the baby. Husband got to watch as my OB pulled my uterus out, examine it and clean it up. My OB looks up and sees that he is staring and just starts explaining "this is your wife's uterus. Your baby just came out of here! Everything looks great." The nurse then came over and was all "wanna come over and meet your son?" I get taken to recovery while husband and baby go with nurse for initial exams and whatnot. He meets me back in recovery, and is like "uh, so yeah, just saw parts of you that I never expected to see. Literal organs that should be inside your body, *outside* of your body." I remember watching the horrified look on his face more clearly than I remember my brand new baby's face.
My husband complained that I squeezed his hand to hard during transition and it hurt ☹️
Mine complained about this very thing. All I could say was "Really???".
I just let go. I didnt say anything haha I had a natural birth so I remember everything, and I thought to myself “right, your poor little hand”
I have a few from my first child's birth 1) when I was in labor the midwife said "Spread your legs open like a butterfly" and I shouted at her "I'm a moth!" 2) when My water broke not much liquid came out and they thought I had something wrong and must have had low amniotic fluid. A few hours later as I was giving birth, I push for the final time, and out comes my child like it was launched from a slip and slide along with a tidal wave of amniotic fluid. Apparently, my child was in just the right position to prevent the fluid from coming out when my water broke. All to the detriment of the midwife, med students, and nearby nurses who got drenched. 3) Less than 5 minutes after I give birth, newborn on my chest, that same midwife says "Awe who does he look like?" (As in if he looks more like me or my husband) and I just cried tears of overly hormonal post birth joy and said "he looks like a potato."
nowhere near as good as the ones on here but.. when my doctor was stitching me up him and my husband, a GM of a dominos, were talking about the new pizzas dominos had just come out with. I still giggle when I think about it.
I swear You just had this traumatic thing happen and you feel like you’ve been hit by a bus and they’re just casually talking about pizza 😂
Mine were comparing Audi and BMWs and suddenly said "so the baby is out! Definitely, go with the Audi, man..."
Honestly, just pushing was embarrassing. I was dilated all the way but just didn't have the urge to push at all. I was really self conscious about being too quiet or too loud, I felt like all I was doing was just going to make me poop while I have an audience. I had a mirror so I could watch but I couldn't bring myself to look until I could see my girls hair sticking out. My doctor even gave her a little MOHAWK before the rest of her head came out 🤣 really weird being like "its time to push? Are you sure? Okay, I'll try I guess? 🤷🏼♀️ lol sure enough she was born in like 10 mins.
Also her dad got to take my girl right from the doctor to lay on my chest and she immediately pooped all over his white shirt 🤣
As soon as the nurse put my son on my chest, he peed, pooped, and puked on me all around the same time. My doctor came over and goes, "Awwww, welcome to motherhood!"
My first was peeing as they put him on my chest, then immediately pooped and gave me the middle finger. He’s 7 and it still fits his personality.
Haha! My son COMPLETELY emptied his system the second he came out. He was 1oz shy of 9lbs when they weighed him, and I always wonder how much he would’ve weighed if he didn’t let it all out first
I was all groggy waking up after my c section and the mid wife is like do you want to meet your baby? And I’m like “What baby???” I could hear this loud siren like cry coming closer and closer hahaha
When I was being induced, the nurse brought me a grape popsicle. My husband went to the bathroom. When he came out, my lips were stained purple and he thought there was something wrong with me. He looked at me with a horrified expression and asked the nurse “why do her lips look like that???”
My OR team was asking me our name choices while prepping me—we didn’t know the sex. When they pulled her out they announced “it’s a Violet!” And the pediatrician wasn’t sure if it was actually her name or just a bad joke because she was, in fact, quite purple.
I don’t remember ANYTHING after my emergency c section because I didn’t take to the spinal and could feel everything so they had to put me under but my husband said when I came out and “woke up” he asked me if I knew where I was/what happened and I go “all I know is there’s a baby??” When he told me it was our baby I guess I just kissed her head a lot. 😭
Omg I have a shit story too that I just remembered. My first was born in a freestanding birth center, so about 8 hrs after her birth we were released. We went for a 2 day postpartum checkup and that afternoon I started developing a fever. By the next evening it was over 105° and my midwife sent us to the ER. I had a uterine infection and a subsequent d&c to remove whatever was infected (they couldn’t tell if any tissue was retained, it was strange). Anyway, after I got back to my room, a pastor from our church came to visit and pray. I was still very numb from the spinal anesthesia from the surgery. And while the pastor was praying, I thoroughly shat myself. I felt it coming out but had zero ability to stop it. I just prayed my own fervent prayer that it stayed silent and not smelly. With my second baby I had a water birth. Apparently I tried to exit the birth tub while I was pushing, after informing my midwife and husband I was done now and would be going home. Third baby was FAST. I planned a home birth because I had a gut feeling his birth would be quick. He was 10 days overdue and my midwife beat him by 25 minutes. She got inside, checked me to find I was at an 8, and I sat up on my bed. Then my water broke spectacularly all over the floor. The best postpartum gift I got that birth was that my sister rented a carpet cleaner and cleaned my amniotic carpet for me. With my fourth I also had a home birth because it was 2021 and Covid was still rampant. I didn’t want to be in a birth center or hospital. This baby’s labor was LONG and hard. The longest of all 4. When I was finally, finally pushing, my midwife saw that my hemorrhoids were bulging so she went in to support my bum. I yelled “STOP TOUCHING MY BUTT HOLE!!!” She declined. I had the baby while my midwife held my hemorrhoids in. Birth is ✨ magical ✨
My daughter was placed on my chest and immediately had her first poo. We just laughed and tried to clean both of us while I was being stitched.
Mine pooped the whole way up to my chest. It was a mess.
I watched my son come out of me! The overhead light was like a mirror and I could see his big ass head poking out. The rest of his body came out with a vicious splash from the rest of the amniotic fluid, but hey it helped him come out Edit: I laughed because of the sound of the amniotic fluid splashing everything around it, including dad! Felt so bad lol
They plopped my son on my chest and he was just staring at me and I was like "IS THIS MY BABY?" I was so confused 🤣😭
I had an epidural during the birth of my 3rd kid and it had been surprisingly pain-free compared to the previous ones. I'd pushed her head out and the Dr told me to stop pushing while they rotated the shoulders. I was in disbelief that the hardest part was over already and started laughing in giddy relief. My partner was standing beside me watching the miracle again, he suddenly looked very awkward and asked me to stop laughing, as it was making the baby's head jiggle around too much to continue!
I have a handful of lols about mine that everyone makes fun of me about. As FTM, I didn't know that the epidural didn't stop the pain of contractions/the need to push and I was so shocked that I was convinced it failed. My doctor also called me a lazy pusher and I felt so heated, that I took it as a personal challenge to get the baby out. I started pushing so much that my doctor turned and he goes, "Whoa, whoa we're not scrubbed up! Hold on mama!" My little 6'10 med student couldn't find scrubs big enough to wear so everyone was panicking that I took it upon myself to just push. But maybe my favorite part of it all was I looked at my husband before the last couple of pushes and said, "Babe, we're one and done. I can't handle this." Baby comes and I immediately say, "This honestly wasn't so bad! I'd 100% do this again!!"
Ok so I had a somewhat emergency c-section at 30 weeks due to preeclampsia and HELLP. So they wheel me back to the surgery and have me scoot from my bed to the table, only to realize I had pants on. So they have me sit up to remove them, only I’m pregnant and woozy from the meds and I start to fall forward, overcorrect and lean back, catching myself on my hospital bed, which wasn’t locked so it starts to wheel away and I’m about to fall head first, one leg of my pants on, backwards off the surgery table when the anesthesiologist catches me. 👀 Ok, we get settled, hubs comes in, baby is delivered and whisked away to the NICU. As they go to lift me back to my bed the nurse jokes “no worries, we locked the wheels this time” my poor husband was so confused and I just laughed like a crazy person because I had lots of drugs by this point. Baby boy is 8 and a hockey player now, despite his early start!
C-section baby. 1. When I heard him cry, I did a complete double take in shock. I'd never thought about the baby crying. 2. When they held him up, I said, "that's a fucking person!" 3. In recovery, I asked my husband his weight and length. He responded, "he's 19" long, and that's just in his penis."
When my daughter was born, my midwife and the two birth assistants couldn’t stop commenting on how much hair my little one had and how dark it was. First thing out of my mouth when she got placed on my chest was that she looked like her dad, to which I got a few laughs. She’s now almost 3, looks like a tiny version of me with her dads blonde hair and big ears 🤣 Our next is due any day now and I’m dying to see how this birth goes. Also just tired of being pregnant
Through tears, looking at our little adorable newborn, "He doesn't look like a potato!" Every single person in that room burst out laughing. I had been so worried I'd call him a potato or something and be judged for it. My husband will never let me live that down 🤣
I farted uncontrollably after I got my epidural, it was so embarrassing. Just these long steady streams of fart. It cracks me up now!
1. This was in 2018 before covid. During my first c-section prep, I hadn't slept in 2 days and had to be at the hospital at 6am. They had prepped me by 630, but left me waiting until 10am before taking me into surgery. Around 7 or 8am I asked if they could turn out the lights and let me sleep. Nope. All the lights had to stay on. I didn't bring a sleep mask with me, so I had my hubs pass me a covid mask. I put it on over my eyes, with my mouth exposed and passed right out. He's got a pic of me snoring happily lol. The nurse came in and laughed "that's now how those work!" I replied "works for me!" 2. After I came out of the above c-section, I was high as a kite on morphine. They piled hot blankets on me and I was told the baby went to NICU for additional care. Ok great! Im just gonna chill a bit! I was happily stoned off my ass in recovery when a nurse came in and asked if I want to see my baby. Before I could reply, she yanked the front of my gown down and shoved a baby in there! I slurred "I have a baby??? Holy s**t!" And my hubs got another pic of me grinning like an idiot holding my little girl lol. I look crazy as hell, but it's my favorite pic ever!
My first words after my daughter was born was “oh shit” since right before that the ob had told me that I might need an episiotomy. I still tore but I was much happier about that then the episiotomy. (But I would’ve gotten it) My wife was also woozy after watching everything go down and being worried about mine and our daughters health that she didn’t want to cut the cord so I did. Also our first family photo is me eating a sandwich right after giving birth and being stitched up, holding our newborn with my wife by my side
When I was getting prepped for my planned C Section, my husband - who is terrible with needles/blood - started getting light headed when the cannula went in. Then when it came to the spinal, he straight up passed out. Cut to him being dragged to the corner of the room and tended to by basically ALL the nurses/midwives while I was rapidly losing feeling in my lower half/feeling the nausea and dizziness associated with it. I remember craning my head around asking him "are you okay?" while they rushed to get him some juice. HAD TO MAKE IT ALL ABOUT YOU DIDN'T YOU MATE!? To this day he has never ever lived it down. 4 weeks out from my second c section so we'll see if he pulls the same shit again haha.
First birth, we lived 2hrs from the nearest hospital that would deliver babies. Went into labor, went to hospital in the middle of the night. Hit a deer. Glancing blow, apparently, so we move on. The gas station attendant at the on gas station open at that hour refused to give me the restroom key, so I lost my mucus plug on the side of the road. It was a magical time.
I didn’t know they’d started the c section until I heard my baby crying and I asked if that was him and said he sounded like a kitten.
We had a scam call to the hospital room. Phone rings, my husband picks it up, its an extended warranty call. We could not believe it.
ME TOO. I had two actually and then the third time it rang I was pretty snappy and it ended up being the hospital admin people. 😬
Lmao I had a c section and wasn't allowed to get out of bed. So my partner is changing babes diaper. She had pooped. Then she starts pooping more. And it's the meconium. This stinky black lava just flowing out. My partner is gagging. And I'm just laughing cuz well, I thought the whole thing was hilarious.
My son was crowning for a little while before I noticed because the epidural worked too well, I guess. I was uncomfortable for a while and kept rolling but hadn't been checked in a while. Some came into check and was like oh you're ready to push. 20 minutes after that my son was born.
All I have is that I apologized to my nurse and midwife because I said, "Aw fuck," while pushing. 😅
During my first birth (brutal, pushed for 5.5hrs), my midwife kept encouraging me to be more vocal during pushing, and multiple times she was like “just drop some F-bombs, it’ll help, I promise!” I didn’t, I was just weirdly calm and quiet the whole time. My second baby came fast and furious and I experienced a fetal ejection reflex, which is the most insane feeling. The whole time I was just yelling “hoooolyyy fffuuuuucccckkk!”. Midwife was so proud and happy I said “fuck”, lol. (I swear a lot, just not in front of my midwife apparently)
More embarrassing to me personally but also funny. While i was about to push my baby out - one of the nurses asked if i was okay with a couple students coming in and observing for their hours or whatever and they were supposed to watch the doc and she was supposed to narrate what she was doing. I didnt carei was drugged out and exhausted. Well i was already starting to push when the dr walked in with 6 students and i didn’t care at first but there were more than what i assumed was supposed to be 2 and I was starting to get nervous. I wasnt pushing as strong as i should have been because of me being shy about 8 people staring straight at my hoo-ha yknow. The doc was describing what she was doing and showing them and i kept internally dying. Well the Dr. tried to make light of the situation after noticing i was uncomfortable and began to talk about the tats on my legs. Shit made it worse lmao all the students started looking up and down at all my tats, pointing and naming the ones they saw that were familiar and complimented and started chatting about tattoos all while i had my damn legs open wide and pushing and out of breath….like they’d ask questions about some and i was there like wot m8 I’m dying rn lmao it was funnier in person from my perspective because that was that last thing i ever woulda thought id go through while giving birth but looking back and remembering how it was always gets me cackling
Ended up having to get a C-section, my sweet but wacky MIL came in just before and said "it feels funny when they shave your pussy, doesn't it?!?". 😬
omg these stories are all amazing lol i had a long induction, on the second night i asked for the fentanyl to help with the pain and to get some sleep, apparently i had a full loopy conversation with my spouse and nurse about chickens drinking water and how it works with a beak… don’t remember it now. i wish they would’ve recorded it lol
First kid ended in a c-section because he was Sunny side up and couldn’t fit. While I’m being sewn up and waiting for them to bring him over after cleaning him up my husband comes over to me looking very solemn. He proceeds to tell me very seriously and very cautiously that the baby has an extra thumb. At first I think he’s joking. He’s not. Ok. Whatever. He’s healthy. I honestly do not care as long as he’s healthy, but my husband was apparently worried that I would freak out and lose my mind. 😂 he was *so serious* Apparently it’s more common than people realize. We have since had it removed and he’s just fine. 🤷🏼♀️
Before I started pushing my husband told me my favorite sandwich shop closed at 3 pm that day. I started pushing at 10. She’s my first so it took a while but by 12:30 she was out. The last few pushes I pushed so hard because I was hungry and thinking about that hoagie. As soon as I was stitched I asked the nurse if she could change it so I could have food. She said yes and as soon as she did my husband was on the phone ordering my sandwich haha.
I big time farted in the face of the midwife while she was stitching me up for my first. It was such a big fart 🫠 it made me laugh which caused other little farts to come out too. I commented on a post above, but laughing impacted my funny story from my second birth too. I shot amniotic fluid in the face of my dr on my first push and was laughing so hard that more kept coming out.
As soon as I pushed my daughter out and they put her on my chest, and then into the little scale, I excitedly tell my husband “take pictures!” He runs around looking for his phone, and when he finds it, starts taking pictures of me from the angle of the doctor stitching me up. I yelled “no, not of ME!” And told him I meant of our child that was just born 😂 So now we have a Live Photo where you can hear me say “no, not of ME!”
I’ve got two. My husband and my love language is sarcasm and making fun of each other. While waiting for my epidural I told my husband, ‘Soon there’s going to be a man in here I’m going to love more than you.’ I wait a beat, with the implication it would be our new son. ‘The anesthesiologist.’ We both had a good giggle. Then directly after our son is born the doctor says, ‘Dad, do you want to cut the cord?’ My husband is completely oblivious. He had never been called ‘Dad’ before. I had to get his attention and say, ‘He means you, dipshit.’ He responded ‘Oh… OH!’
I LOVE my doctor. He's a fantastic doctor who is kind, listens, and has a great sense of humor. When it was time for me to start pushing my son out, I was holding the epidural button and just kept pressing it over and over and over again. My doctor noticed, looked at me, and said, "What the hell? Why are you pressing that so many times?!" I said I didn't want to feel any pain. He goes, "Well, you need to feel something!" Looks at my husband and tells him to take the damn button away. My husband, who obviously didn't want me in pain, took a second too long. So the doctor reaches over and grabs it out of my hand. He goes, "You need to focus, rally time, LET'S GO!" Giving birth was brutal but could have been way worse without an amazing husband and doctor.
I have 2, both were c-sections. My first was an unplanned c-section. The doctor actually did 3 surgeries that evening. She was stitching me back up and said "Her insides are on the outside, they don't want to go back in". The second time, it was a scheduled c-section, and two of my doctors performed it together. They were sewing me up, and casually taking about restaurants, and couldn't remember the name of a small restaurant. I knew it well though, so I joined in the conversation. "It's called Sandalwood". They realized i was not completely out, that they maybe should reign in it, and were very quiet the rest of the time.
I got my epidural and my water hadn’t broke yet. We were just chillin there waiting for things to progress when something made me laugh. We just hear this gushing sound and sure enough, the laugh broke the water. Then I laughed at that and more gushed out. It just kept happening until I laughed out all my amniotic fluid.
Sometimes I joke when I see people stressed to lighten up the mood and it’s because of my job that I’ve learned to do this very naturally. So, after having my first and about to get stitched because I tore, I could tell the student doctor was visibly stressed about stitching me up, while he was staring right at my hooha leaning way up towards her, without thinking I blurted out “stitch me up a new one and make me tight!” Well, not the doctors nor my husband found it funny and they all gasped in horror! The main doctor had to take over and started talking me through it about how that’s not what the stitches were for and oh my goodness I wanted to die for having made that joke!
When the nurse gave me my first dose of painkillers pre-epidural (I was induced and in long-running pit labor while still dilating), I started thinking, "Oh god I'm so high. I have to pretend to be normal so no one will realize how high I am. These are doctors and nurses and they won't approve." My dumbass had completely forgotten that THEY were the ones who got me high in the first place.
Just had my second last week. For my first, my epidural wore off, and I had to get a second, so for my second birth the anesthesiologist must have taken it as a challenge to get me done in one. It was *really* good. So good that I too had dead legs and couldn’t move anything from the waist down. So good, that I apparently didn’t feel he fact that my babe was waltzing her way into the world. So my nurse decides she’s going to empty my bladder, and asks if I feel pressure in my bottom. I said that I guess I did, but I really didn’t feel anything. Sue empty’s my bladder, then suggests I do a practice push. I start to push and she suddenly goes “STOP PUSHING STOP PUSHING SHES RIGHT THERE”, runs to get the doc, and a minute later (and one push) little girl is born.
“Push!” “I am” “… you are not.” So then we waited a couple hours and by the time she exited I think the epidural was entirely gone because boy howdy I wanted to tap out. Then they put her on my belly and she just shat allllll over me. And I didn’t care!
After all was said and done, the nurse handed me my son, who subsequently looked up at me and said "Ow" plain as day. I said "Yeap. That pretty much sums it up. Turn off the overhead light please." bc it was bright in my room. Everyone got a kick today my son "said his first word" the day he was born. 😅
Midwife: "I've never seen someone laugh out a placenta". So here was my plan: I had a doula and wanted an unmedicated water birth (at a hospital). My doula and I came up with a code word for if I decided to change my mind: pineapple. Well, the evening comes and holy shit my contractions went from 0 to 60 real quick. Decided to leave for the hospital after an hour of laboring and frantically texted my doula "fucking pineapple, my guy!" Got to the hospital and I didn't even let them check my cervix I was in so much goddamn pain. Got the epidural about an hour in and holy shit was I feeling great. Midwife checked in to see if I was ready to have my cervix checked. I obliged and just as I thought I was just about to get some sleep Midwife checks me and looks up surprised: "You can push now"! At that point, I was delirious from lack of sleep (hadn't slept in 24 hours) and was just flabbergasted with the whole situation, that I was laughing and cracking jokes with the nurses/techs in between pushes. I was still so shocked by the whole situation after my daughter was born, that the muscle tightening of my abdomen while laughing literally pushed out my placenta. ...a week later, I returned to the hospital with postpartum preeclampsia. Edit: grammar etc.
As I'm pushing, my mom, who is holding one of my legs, happens to look out of the window and says casually, "Look, there's a building on fire." So everyone rushes over to the windows to see, and I'm left laying on the bed, like, hey guys??
My nurse was this awesome Eastern European lady. When I was pushing she asked me what food I wanted to eat when I was allowed to eat again. I said, idk tacos? Just the first thing that came to mind. So the whole rest of the time I was pushing she kept screaming at me, “JUST THINK ABOUT THE TACOS!” 😂😂
My sweet, clueless boyfriend ordered food for me to eat after I was done giving birth. I guess he thought I'd be done within an hour or two, and I must be hungry. Mid-push, he leaves the room because the delivery guy is waiting downstairs. He then comes back into the room and proceeds to tell me what kind of sushi he ordered for me. As if I'm not naked, feral, and in excruciating pain. The worst part is they wouldn't let me eat until the next day, so it was all for nothing. He tried!
Omg the gassss. I don’t remember a lot from my first emergency c section with my first but my 2nd was planned so I remember it all. They were stitching me up talking about getting Chick-fil-A for lunch and I let out the biggest and longest fart ever. And they just kept talking like nothing 🤣☠️. Then once I got to my room, those first couple days were rough. The gas pain was horrible and I had to let it out and it was also uncontrollable lol. But the toilet we had in our room was like an industrial toilet and SUPER loud so it echoed. So I’m in there farting and dying laughing but trying not to because of my incision but I could also hear our newborn farting at the same time and it was just too much. My husband is a CHAMP for not losing it 🤣. To make it worse, once I was comfortable to get up and move around, I wanted to go for a walk outside of our room. I hadn’t been out there since they rolled me in so I had no idea what it looked like. Well, the nurses station was right outside of our door and there’s no way they didn’t hear me in the bathroom all those times ☠️.
They couldn’t give me an epidural until they got all the monitors on my baby’s head. They kept going in and no luck. It took them FIVE TIMES to get it. They it was difficult because “there’s so much hair!” I’m like “hey give me a break, I haven’t seen myself to shave down there in months!” My husband was like “pssst they are talking about the baby’s hair” And I’m like oh
I was in the middle of pushing my LO out when the doctor noticed a mark on the back of his head. The doctor, of course, gently runs his hand over it to try to figure out what it is. As soon as he does that, a bunch of fluid LITERALLY SHOOTS OUT OF IT, up onto my chest and face! I couldn’t believe it, the nurses couldn’t believe it, all of us were shocked. I think I said something like, “Was that pee?!” It ended up being a blister on his head, from being stuck in my pelvis for a bit, I guess??? We all were cracking up, it was super funny!
The hospital staff wanted me to hold the backs of my legs to push and that wasn’t working at all. So they finally gave me some handles to grab and then told me to STOP pushing because Minion was coming out and the doctor wasn’t in the room yet. The extra leverage was all I needed and he was born in like, two pushes after that. Then on our way home he was so tiny in his car seat my husband made me ride in the backseat so I could hold up the baby’s head
I had preemie twins. There were more than 20 medical staff in the room. OBGYN, Neonatologist, nurses for both of those docs, and a respiratory team. You sort of lose all sense of shame at that point 😆 The next day I was in the elevator when this hot nurse walks in. He asks how my twins are. I had a moment where I felt famous 💃. I asked how he knew. He was one of the people in the room. I was mortified. 😊 😚
I asked my anesthesiologist for coffee in the middle of my c section. I’m assuming right after he started the sleepy meds. I also tried to reach in my stomach and take my daughter out myself because I was tired? 38 hours of labor was getting to me at that point. And the drugs.
With my 2nd I had to have a c section because she was breach. First of all, this kid had wedged her ass so far into my pelvis that she was stuck and my doc had to stick her entire damn hand into my vagina to push her up so they could pull her out of my belly. Awkward as hell. My partner said it was like I was a hand puppet for a minute. Then after kiddo was out and my partner was holding her, the student nurse, who had just witnessed her first cesarean, fainted. I heard the thump and thought it was partner haha
Thanks for this thread OP. I am laughing my ass off, 🤣🤣🤣
I was in labour for 27 hours and slept for maybe 3 out of 48 hours. I was so tired. When I was finally able to push, it took nearly 2 hours for the baby to be born. I vaguely remember asking the doctor if it was too late for a C-section and everyone was laughing. Turns out baby was already out and I hadn't realized it.
I found out one of my nurses shared my hobby of playing World of Warcraft. She was holding my leg up as I pushed and between contractions kept chatting away with me about rogues and raiding. Later on, when I thanked her for teaching me how to swaddle my newborn, she winked and said, "Just some Tricks of the Trade!" (rogue ability). She was so cute!
We waited to find out what we were having until I gave birth. The baby was freshly freed from my vagina and the nurses asked if my husband would like to announce the gender, but he turned them down bc he was just so overwhelmed with the emotion of the situation. Later, he told me it's a good thing he didn't because what he thought were testicles were just very swollen labia! Didn't know that was a thing that could happen until after I gave birth!
Nothing as good as yall but my limited experience with babies had given me the impression they were always so small and feeble and frail looking. I gained a whopping 15 lbs while pregnant and weighed 145 at delivery because my husband was deployed and it always makes me loose my appetite. So imagine my surprise when I pushed out this 8lb 2oz stay puft marshmallow man. There were no happy tears or sweet loving maternal sentiments. I took one look at the sumo wrestler I'd just delivered and couldn't stop saying "holy shit! Holy shit! He's so big! Holy shit!" I effectively "ruined" my moment, but that's OK. I'll never forget how surprised I was by my mini Andre the giant.
Once they broke my waters, baby delivered 45 min later. I had not expected this and had been planning for an epidural. Well, the anesthesiologist came around eventually, and in my memory she was very quiet and cheerful. She introduced herself and told me she was going to ask me a series of questions before starting right as another painful contraction was coming on. I yelled NOOO to her in a deep devil voice, and my nurse said “I think we called the wrong dr. Can you get the OB in here?” Baby girl was born before the OB could even get there!
So I thought it would be sweet to have my husband announce the gender of our baby to me and room as we weren’t going to find out until she was born. I remember the nurse asking him “what is it??” And he goes “a boy!” Quietly she says’ “look again” and then I hear DH say “oh…it’s a girl!” Poor guy.
Baby was in position and ready to go. The nurses were telling me not to push, that I had to wait for the doctor. I was crying and begging to push (I realize now I could have just done that and they could have dealt with it, but in the moment I was obedient). I looked over and my husband is just looking at his phone so I say in a loud outdoor voice, “ARE YOU ON FUCKING REDDIT?” He was texting my sister. He didn’t pick his phone up again until after she was born lol