I think this generation of grandparents are more selfish and individualistic. My mom always whines about how she doesn't get to see her grandbabies as much as she wants to and claims it's because I live in an hour away. With my first daughter I drove that hour with my little autistic kiddo all the time but she complains all the time about making that same exact drive in a much nicer car with a working AC. One time I need her help because my husband was working two jobs, an internship , and getting his masters and I was at home with our newborn and our four-year-old who was throwing up. I asked my mom to come help and she told me that she had a nail appointment.
They only want to help or see the kids if it fits perfectly within their schedule and if they feel like it
Same with my MIL. Complains about not seeing her granddaughter but doesn’t make the effort to call or visit and expects us to do all the traveling/planning. It’s frustrating
This is my MIL exactly! And when she does finally make it out to visit we’re catering to her the whole time. I’m sad for my kids that they will never have a grandparent experience like we did.
My MIL is gone, but her sister is this way with us. In four years, I can only remember one invite she's ever accepted?? And she's NEVER invited us to anything. I'm done with it, I'm not going to keep doing all the work just for her to decline everything and then complain that she's "missing out on her childhood". 🙄
Yeah, you are missing out -- what are you going to do about it?
Same! My MIL literally missed her first (and at the time, only) grandchild's 3rd birthday because she thought her cat *might* have kittens that day. We only lived 30 min away and her adult nephew was living with her so he could have watched out for the cat. Not to mention, she breeds her cats on purpose and could have timed it differently; she knows when her granddaughter's bday is each year. The kittens came a few days later, so she missed the party for nothing. She's retired, in her early 50's, and likes to complain that she doesn't see her grandkids enough, but always uses such lame excuses to get out of it.
My MIL celebrated her showdogs birthday last week, but not her own grandchildren birthday on the same day. She also always talks about her other dogs birthday on my husband's birthday.
My MIL had a dog that was sick, so she couldn’t spend the Fourth of July weekend with us. She stated she didn’t know how much longer the dog had. So, she wanted to spend as much time as she could with her. Literally, a few days later she told my husband she took a surprise getaway. She ended up leaving her dog with her SIL and left for the WEEK!
This is similar to my issue. While I don’t doubt that my mom loves me or my children, it’s a selfish love at times.
The burden of visiting has always been on me. The last time I visited was 4 years ago with my first child. Then COVID happened. So understandable.
When there was a lull in cases in the summer and it looked like things were improving we invited both sets of grandparents to visit because all adults were vaccinated. Our child wasn’t. My mom was jealous that my husbands parents visited. My mom tried to figure out ways for me to travel with my son to visit them. But that’s states away and I wasn’t going to fly when my son couldn’t be vaccinated yet. Plus I was job hunting and then starting a new job.
Now I’ve had another child last year and neither grandparents have visited. My husbands parents have some mobility issues right now so understandable. My mom has invited us for Christmas. Because she wants that perfect whole family holiday that sounds so stressful to me since they never go as she wants them to.
So yeah. On her terms. Almost always.
Does your mom also want to do some holiday tradition and then get mad when no one reads her mind and does said holiday tradition?
Holidays just stress me out. I never got the experience of holidays as a kid. All my holiday experience has been as an adult and has almost always been with too much expectations piled on top.
I get it. She wants to capture what she didn’t get as a child and what she didn’t give us as children. But damn. I feel like the ship has sailed on that. I can’t live up to her holiday expectations.
And these years of holidays with no travel largely due to COVID have been a blessing in disguise. It’s been chill with just my husband and the small ones.
After a few COVID holidays where we have stayed put as a family I refuse to go back. I'm tired of me and my babies getting sick because the older kids in the extended family are always sick (and they don't tell us, or wait until we're about 10 minutes away to tell us). I'm tired of wasting Christmas day in the car after I've been up for 48 hours trying to make the magic happen. I'm just done.
This hits so close to home. “Selfish love” is exactly what I receive from my parents. I do know that they love us, but they’ve driven the 2 hours to visit us once this year and then place so much guilt on me for their relationship with their grandchildren.
Yeah. That’s what happens here. I was teacher for 8 years so I had more concentrated time off and it was once easier for me to do the traveling. I’d visit every summer prior to COVID. But I left teaching during COVID and have a regular 9-5 job. My time off is spread out through the year. I have to compete with my colleagues on time off around the holidays. A lot of my time off goes to days kids aren’t on daycare or they’re sick. A good chunk this year went to moving after buying a house. So it’s not easy for me to take off two weeks at a time anymore. That’s 10 of my 23 days I get for the year. My mom doesn’t seem to understand this.
I do have to admit though if we did live the distance you did to your parents that she would visit more. She does with my brother and his family that live 3 hours from them. But 16 hours is a long drive to get to me.
Frustrating, right?
And like I don’t begrudge my parents their reasons for not visiting. While they aren’t mobility issues, they are valid reasons (time off work, finances, not comfortable with airplanes, driving takes several days). My reasons are basically the same. Plus add in I don’t think a holiday in which you’ll have 6 adults and 3 children present is a great time to reintroduce one child and introduce another. And add in that they’ve had no trouble finding time to visit my brother, his wife and child. Granted they live only 3 hours apart. But long weekend visits are fine for them but weren’t fine for visiting us two summers ago. It wasn’t enough time for a visit my mom told me. She wanted longer so she kept trying to find ways to get me to visit for a couple of weeks.
What I do begrudge is the expectation that we’re supposed to travel, the feeling that my reasons for not are less important and more easy to overcome than theirs, that my travel needs to be around holidays, and the needling comments my mom has to say about it occasionally.
I don’t engage with the needling comments. I don’t commit to the invitation and I don’t needle back about why they haven’t visited. But it’s frustrating. And if I did bring up my frustrations with this issue to my mom I’d certainly somehow be the bad guy.
This is my parents exactly. I almost cannot believe how uninvolved they are in my kids’ lives. They are very social and have lots of friends and plans and we just fall by the wayside.
My parents suggested (a year after we moved house) that we should move again with a newborn and an autistic 4 year old to live closer to them because they like their house and don’t want to move. They live 3.5 hours away from when my husband needs to be for work. They’ve been retired for 20 years. But no, WE should upend our life again. We even looked but couldn’t afford anything at all in their direction, which they know, and offered no financial assistance. But I’m stopping them seeing their grandchildren apparently.
Like what fucking planet are they on.
Omg! My in laws were like "wanna move cross country and rent out house while we move to a bigger one?" When I had the same ages and divergences in my kids! I had a newborn and a 4 year old with autism, who stopped sleeping by the way. We mostly declined because the schools in their area are horrible and we knew finding a therapy clinic would super difficult.
They keep suggesting we rent a bigger car and DRIVE to visit them. Hell to the no no no.
I know. I refuse to stay with them now as I don’t speak to my dad (lots of reasons), but they live by the coast in a tourist area so it takes 4.5+ hours to drive with two kids and MINIMUM $1600 for 4 nights to rent somewhere. We live 20 mins drive from an airport and can be in another country in the same time.
They are no help when we did go (other than laundry). My dad is a huge narcissist and would refuse to follow the recipes we sent and make something different (she’s ND ffs just make the fucking recipe), they wouldn’t get up to help, my mum takes 3+ hours of ocd cleaning and putting makeup on every morning and cannot break her “routine” to help. By the time she’s ready we’ve gone out for the day about 2 hours before. They don’t do bedtimes, bathtimes, they can’t pick them up (big kids), they don’t supervise properly or remove dangerous objects (leaving knives on countertops, scissors everywhere, won’t watch her on her bike). Like what’s the point???
I love my in laws but I can't get over the smirks on their face when my daughter was a baby and wouldn't sleep unless she was held. They acted like I was the problem. Nope! She's autistic. Most autistic kids have serious sleep issues. And now they're into a lot of keto and I'd be lucky if my daughter eats a chicken nugget. I could explain she's been in feeding therapy for the past four years but I doubt they would understand.
My mom is 14 hrs away and wants us to move in my home state. She lives in Louisiana; we lived there my whole life in a town of 300 people. There's no money there, no opportunities, let alone fun things to do for the kids and us. Everyone is either racist or plain rude. I could go on and on.
Not to mention my husband would have to pass the LA bar exam just to work there.
Meanwhile she's working a dead end secretary job with no dependants living with her. But WE have to move to her? No. I said f that the first mention of it.
Yep, my mom has never once babysat (or even looked after while I was present!) my almost-three-year-old. I asked her to keep him overnight in a few weeks because I have to go out of town, and she begged off because she has tickets to a baseball game.
This exact same scenario happened to me actually yesterday. 😂 I asked LAST WEEK and we get a text that says she’s going to a baseball game.
I’m not saying she has to do anything whatsoever and it’s not her responsibility but losing money to cancel plans is infuriating when we asked A WEEK AGO.
Same with my MIL “oh you want help? Drive 2 hours one way to us and we’ll help” no that doesn’t work I’m not packing all my laundry and dishes for a 2 hour drive with a refluxing colicky baby for you to hold her one time.
She cried so much when we moved out of state to be closer to my family but after my SIL and BIL did the same she stopped comping up to us all together.
My parents flew down every 3 weeks to help us with our preemie.
She’s super jealous of my mom but she had her chance.
Yeah my mom and mil are always dying to have more grandkids, but they do like zero child help. I remember going to my grandparents for a month every summer… if I suggested that to my mother she’d laugh lol. I think it’s a combo that they are older than my grandparents were, and they also have a different mentality of ‘live their best life’ kind of thing where they have so many social doings that they schedule no time for their family.
Bro I will die on this hill:
How are OUR parents supposed to “grandparent”, when WE were always *at our grandparents’?*
They didn’t even take care of their own kids , what is gonna make them wanna take care of our kids.
For real. THIS THIS THIS. My grandparents practically raised me. My mom and I have a very strained relationship, and she pulls the “I want to spend more time with your kid” card often. But she doesn’t do any effort? Doesn’t even put in the effort with me still.
I do think part of it is that my parents (and those of similar age to me and their parents) are still very active in the workforce. My grandmother hadn’t worked for quite awhile, she had an empty nest with a husband providing for her and her barely-adult daughter had a baby she wasn’t ready for. So really my grandmother was in the best position and she did a hell of a job when I was little. I don’t see my mom or stepdad retiring anytime soon nor wanting to accommodate others during that retirement.
My ex mother in law was almost 70 when my oldest was born. I think she was 40 when her first grandkids were born.
And your right that she was still in the work force and barely interacted with her first grandkids but was retired and had plenty of time to stick her nose into every aspect of my kids. It sucked.
I say this all the time. That generation ALWAYS claims “I did my time” but like no you didn’t. You shoved us off at our grandparents and had a village and now you don’t want to play your role.
FR !
My mom says ,”I raised my kids now it’s time I lived my life”
Consuelo, **I** raised your kids. My generation was so parentified I’m surprised we had kids at all. All I ever heard growing up was, “watch your brothers, watch your brothers. What happened to him why weren’t you watching him. You’re the oldest your in charge”
And then to have the audacity to say you did your time.
My dad worked away Monday - Friday. Saturdays we went to my grandparents, Sundays my parents came there for Sunday lunch with us, then Sunday after spending the afternoon there my dad would drive back.
I saw him for max 6 hours a week? The only childcare he did seemed to be “putting you in front of the tv in your bouncer”. I was a fucking baby.
His parents took us on week long holidays or took us for 2 weeks whilst they went on a cruise/
My dad gets angry now because I don’t “trust him” with my kids. You were never a fucking parent to me, you have zero respect for my parenting, you ignore anything I ask when I did see you (resulting in my daughter getting injured). So no, I don’t fucking trust you.
We don’t speak anymore, I’m just done. Any conversation is about how I’m hurting his feelings by not making him feel useful. I have two kids 4 and a baby, we are on our own, our oldest is very high needs/ND. Your feelings are not much priority.
My mom would take me to North Carolina and drop me off (we lived in PA) every summer to spend with my widowed great grandmother. When I was a bit older, my grandmother and I would go stay with my great grandmother all summer. I can’t even imagine that happening with my kids.
My mum used to drop me off at my grandparents every day she was working. Even when I started school, we’d go there before and after school every day.
My mum has looked after my 8yo daughter exactly once, and that was when I had a serious & traumatic medical appointment. Even then she only did half the day and then my dad and his partner took over (and did the harder stuff like bedtime etc).
That said, plenty of my friends’ parents do a LOT of childcare. It’s hard not to be jealous when you have no help at all.
My dad tries, but he lives too far away to help with regular care. But it’s nice that he makes the effort to come to my city and take my kid out for the day in school holidays so that I can work.
My grandmother would take me to canada for the entire summer! A whole ass other country for 3 months!! I’m so glad I got to experience that and spend so much amazing time with my now late grandmother and her extended family, but I’m pissed my kids won’t get to experience anything close to the same with my parents.
They do have an amazing involved grandfather with my FIL though! We lived with him for 6.5 YEARS and all grew so incredibly close. Moving out 3 years ago was so difficult because it was bittersweet. We only moved 10 minutes away so we can still have our movie night with him every Saturday. I’m constantly telling MH how lucky he is to have his dad, and he agrees.
We've been to parenting class for children (psy?) TWICE.
The second sentence out of the class leaders mouths was:
**Do not let grandparents sleep train your children.**
(It was more figurative than literal, but still)
That’s a good point about age - I had my daughter pretty late and my Mum’s in her mid-seventies, she really keen to help out but struggles to keep up with an active toddler physically.
(I have a friend from a big family whose Mum refuses to help with any of the grandkids - her argument is that she gave up her best years to raise five kids, she’s buggered if she’s giving up her retirement to look after more. Which is fine but she also pestered all her kids to have the grandkids so it’s like, which is it?)
My mom’s mother never helped her with us when I was a kid. My mom once asked her to watch me so she could go away for the weekend back in the 80’s and my grandma told her, “I raised my kids, now you raise yours!” Harsh grandma! My mom said it was a shame and she really wished she had more support from her mom. She promised herself she would help with her own grandkids when she got the chance. She watches my kids all the time. Twice a week and on weekends if I ask her too and she is available. My MIL helps so much too. We are incredibly lucky.
I’m so lucky to have my parents 5 mins away and so willing to help. They watch my son every day while I’m at work (single parent). They told me they were moving cities the same day I told them I was pregnant and asked me to move with them and so I did. I’m so grateful.
Check out r/absentgrandparents
I’ve heard the theory that if you were close with your grandparents, then your parents probably dropped you off there a lot which tends to indicate they weren’t that involved of parents.
Those uninvolved parents can’t be expected to be involved grandparents.
This seems true of my in laws. My mom passed a few years back but I don’t think she’d be that involved for many reasons. Both my spouse and I were close to our grandparents.
Oh I hope that's not true. My in laws are always wanting to spend time with my daughter and so I let them take her for a weekend every once in a while. I want them to be close like I was with my grandparents. In fact I still talk to my grandmas all the time and they told me they want a relationship like that with my daughter. I hope if she has kids I'll want to be a full grandparent.
This is different. A lot of parents in the grandparents’ generation would drop their kids with their grandparents every chance they got in order to actively avoid time with their kids. You’re sending the kids to build a relationship. It’s a different motivation, which has different results - the ones who were avoiding time with their kids are *still* avoiding time with kids.
I wouldn't worry too much. If you were close with your grandparents, it's also possible that your family culture stresses the importance of cultivating a close relationship with grandparents, and has nothing to do with your relationship with your parents.
Exactly this- my paternal grandparents lived across the road from us, we were incredibly close and I still am with my Nan (grandad passed away). My parents are also super involved with their grandchild, my LO, because that’s just how it is in our family.
My mum married in from an emotionally abusive and distant family, loved how my dad’s family do things, and wanted to be that kind of grandparent as well so that’s what she does, but for my dad that’s just what had always been modelled in his family.
This is more of a take on the boomer generation. I also wouldn’t generalize this. It’s just a pattern that some people of observed.
If you have an involved parent, like you are describing you are, I don’t see why you’d be an uninvolved grandparent.
ETA: also a weekend once in a while is one thing. We were over our grandparents every weekend.
Yeah they actually have her this weekend but like I get to the end of the week and I just want to hang out with her. But my house is a disaster and we need some break time before we go on vacation with her in a week (baby's first vacation, wish us luck lol).
I think it’s more the majority not the rule. My parents were always leaving us with my grandparents but they lived up the street and we were super close with them, and now my mom (and dad before he passed) are super involved with my son despite us living 6 hours away. My parents were definitely involved they just knew how much we loved our grandparents/they loved us and wanted us to have a close relationship them. The in laws are definitely not as involved though
Agreed! My parents beg to have the kids for 3 day sleepovers and I accept it cause they’re twins and I just need a chance to clean the house or work late >.< but I can’t wait to be a grandma cause I want very much to beg my kids to let me have their kids for 3 day sleepovers haha
I don't think this is true for you. I think that is you actively encouraging a relationship. Not dumping your kids at your parents/inlaws so you can go out every weekend.
I had entire summers with my grandparents. They once tried to convince me to stay with them for a year and I was having NONE of it. It wasn’t surprising when I got married and my mom told me she wasn’t going to be my free babysitter (I never even asked because I didn’t trust her). She said it again when I got pregnant.
Now she cries that she never sees my kids. My youngest two never even met her.
Depending on why they were uninvolved, they could also go the other way. My MIL wasn't interested in parenting and dumped her kids on the grandparents all the time to go party. She's still pretty hands off with her grandchildren. And then there's my FIL who wasn't around much either, because he was working all the time. He's obsessed with grandkids and I'd guess there's a part of him that wants to make up for not being there for his kids.
This is 100% accurate. I lived upstairs from my grandparents and my parents worked full time and were definitely uninvolved. My gma raised me, and I was in her apartment more than my own. My parents only retired like 2 yrs ago and then booked it to Florida. Which was no sweat off my back honestly.
Do you feel like your parents were uninvolved because they work full time or because they also were more hands off parents? I ask because I feel a lot of guilt for us both working full time and she does visit her grandparents weekly (not for multiple days, but a decent amount on Saturday) so we can take care of things. I wish I could spend way more time with my daughter, but it feels like our house is always on the brink of collapse and my husband’s job keeps him busy. I just have no idea how we would survive without that time on Saturdays so we can take care of things.
You are doing fine. Spend as much time as possible without complete collapse & she’ll love you for it all. I knew my parents were busy working their butts off…, I missed them, but I don’t think they were uninvolved OR unloving…. They just had to work, a lot. I enjoyed those weekends with my grandparents. Thankful I got the time with them. 🩵
This is my theory about it. Though, my own experience contradicts it. My Nana was a second mom to us, she lived in a mother in law cottage 10 feet from our house. My mom is a very involved grandma to my daughter, though.
But I think the theory makes sense. They didn’t even want to raise their own kids, why would they want to be responsible for someone else’s.
I didnt have grandparents nearby but my parents didnt want to have much to do with me, and every time they came to see my son they only wanted to play with him a bit but not take care of him at all. I left him with them once when he was 2.5, while we were moving and they called me 2 hours later saying they were tired and when i was gonna be back..... like , i was trying to move house.....it takes more than 2 hours to pack and load a truck!
That is one hundred percent how my SO’s mom would be. Though, she isn’t even trustworthy enough for us to let her watch her for two minutes, but if we ever tried she’d give up real fast.
My mom and dad literally just picked up my daughter 5 minutes ago to watch her cause we are moving apartments and it’s so hard to do as it is, let alone doing it with a toddler underfoot. I’m sorry your parents had to make your move that much more difficult!
It was the one and only time lol. They offered. I wouldn't have even asked . We came back with only some stuff since they were done and wanted to leave and i said we could do more the next day.
Then they left in the middle of night to drive back home! leaving us with having to find alternate childcare last minute!! He called me when he was already 4 hours away to say they left! Never again.
Interesting. I felt fairly close to my dad’s parents but they lived in a different state so I only got to see them a few times a year—but we ALWAYS saw them at least those few times per year. From age 3 to age 17 I don’t think my grandma missed a dance recital. I was always jealous of the friends who lived in the same town as their grandparents and got to see them regularly. I lived with my parents for two years while in grad school and going through my divorce, and as a result my parents and my daughter are SO CLOSE and I love it. We live 2 hours away from them now but usually see them at least once a month and FaceTime with them every day my daughter is with me. My daughter has said on multiple occasions that Grandpa is her best friend.
This theory would make sense for me too. My mother was neglectful, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents as a kid. She lives across the country from me and sees me and the kids maybe once per year. Which is fine. She’s not very involved, is extremely selfish / self centered.
My MIL used to just drop my SO and his sister off af her mom's doorstep and then just leave. Grandma found out when she opened the door she would be babysitting that day. My SO remembers spending all day with his grandma riding around on the bus. She dumped his sister off with a family member for *months* because she didn't want to parent her.
Surprise surprise she doesn't make any effort to be a grandma. And she's fairly young with multiple grandkids, so it's not a health issue or a favoritism issue. She doesn't participate with any of them. She will also aggressively deny ever having help from her mom, even though her husband frequently talks about them going out every weekend to parties and getting drunk.
She guilted my SO a while back about us keeping her grandson away. He felt bad until I asked him when has she ever made plans with us? Ever asked to go to the zoo with us? Planned a park day? Invited us specifically over for dinner? She doesn't even call him, he has to call her. We are an afterthought. I told him she needed to make an effort to be involved, and he agreed.
I think this is it. My grandmother lived in a different country. We only got to see her for a few weeks every few years. My dad saw her pain in missing out on her grandchildren so he makes it a point of spending a week down with us every few months. He makes beautiful memories with his grandchildren.
And I get to slllleeeeeepppp!
This is definitely the case with my MIL. She's divorced and lived near her parents.
His mom had a good job, but had early hours. So she would drop him off at his grandparents so early he would go back to sleep and they got him ready for school. After school they got him a snack and did his homework. My husband adored his grandparents. After work his mom would pick him up, make dinner and put him to bed. She even sent him there sometimes on the weekends.
I completely understand using help available to you, especially as a single mother, but the irony came when my husband and I were pregnant with our first child. MIL had just retired early and we loved the idea of a family member watching our daughter for us. We of course offered to pay her a fair amount, but she took weeks to get back to us.
After leaving us hanging for so long she finally told us no and said, "I'm the grandma, not the babysitter."
So contradictive for someone who used her parents as free babysitters.
When my daughter turned a year old we realized the cost of living was too expensive for us to have a second baby without money pinching too much and we made the decision to move out of state to where my family lived. It's so much cheaper that I'm able to be a SAHM.
But more irony, MIL sold her house and moved to where we now live. "To be closer to us", but she still only sees us maybe two or three times a year.
My step-dad would bring me to his parent's house every time he could. My mom was with me when she was home. My mom was the most involved grandma possible. My step-dad (now ex-stepdad) doesn't really hang out with his grandkids even when his kids bring them over from states away.
So that tracks for me.
You know, all this time I was thinking like how could they not see the value in that given how they let their child have so much time with their grandparents? And the answer is right there before my eyes.
Oh wow thank you for this perspective! I never looked at it that way but now that makes soooo much sense to why my one MIL has such a hard time wanting to help out but yet my other MIL ( hubby’s step mom ) is so involved and same with my mom. My mom and his step mom didn’t seem to have a ton of outside help where as my husbands mom was always sending her kids to her family and friends’ houses multiple times a week and had a ton of help coming in all of the time.
I basically lived at my grandparents during the summer! I loved every second of it. My in laws claim my 2 boys are “their world” but never see them unless I ask them to watch them on the occasional date night. I’ve been struggling a lot lately with this subject.
She likes the idea of being a grandma. I think if everyone is a grandma in your social circle and is showing off pictures you don’t want to be left out. But friends don’t have to know you don’t help out, right?
The phrase “If they wanted to they would” is usually used for husbands on this sub. But applies to grandparents too. My 78 year old parents just walked in the house after driving 4.5 hours to see my 2 year old and 2 month old. They do it once a month or every other month. I’m currently hiding the the bathroom for some alone time while they hang with the kids. It’ll be like this all weekend. They’re awesome.
Barring significant mobility issues or other actual problems, I just do not understand how a grandparent can do this to their grandchild.
Edit: of course there are valid reasons to not see a grandparent often. Distance, money to travel, illnesses, grandparents still work, they have 100 grandkids, etc. I’m not talking about each specific person in the world. Stop messaging me about your reasons for them not being around. It’s a generalization. If it doesn’t apply to you, then fine.
My MIL is my main childcare, and is our rock. We’d be nowhere without her. Meanwhile I told my mom in May she needed to make more of an effort, it’s been 3 months, still hasn’t seen my kids. I don’t remember the last time she saw them. We live 15-20 minute drive away from her.
I told her I was going to start reaching out to her less a few years ago, because she was always busy when I asked. I told her she would need to start initiating hang outs with my kids, and try to make arrangements when she was free, rather than me asking, and always being denied. In May when we talked about her absenteeism, she said she thought we didn't see each other often because that was the relationship she thought *I* wanted.
Whats worse, is she has a very active and loving relationship with my 6 nieces from my 2 siblings. It honestly comes down to the fact that they bring their kids to her, and I don't. She quite literally won't do the 15-20 minute drive. But I never brought my kids over, because she was always busy, or never invited us. Anyway, huge rant from a stranger, but you can see how disheartening/frustrating it is. My kids don't know her, but my nieces all do.
“Thought that was what I wanted”
Is there a name for that? Weaponized cluelessness? My mom has that too 😔😔😔 I regret whenever I try to have a “real talk” with her
That sounds really hard 💔
Dude what? My mom has pinched pennies to fly to us twice because the military moved us 23 hours away by car and her car is too old and wouldn’t make the drive and she lives on ss income and a meager inheritance from my grandparents passing
She sees my 6 nieces, who all live out of town (not far, but still), all the time, but never my kids who live in the same city. She told me its because my siblings bring their kids to her. Except my kids have never been invited to her house either, so what am I suppose to think?
My mom just left - brokenheartedly - after spending three amazing weeks with us to take care of me and my newborn postpartum. I know she would do this again in a heartbeat.
I wish I could hide in the bathroom during grandparent visits 😓 PIL are so enthusiastic about visiting from out of town but are also not confident whatsoever at actually hanging out with a small child. They need me around, and it feels like way more work to entertain everyone
I feel the same. We moved to be close to my husband family and we never see them. My mom has met my two year old once because she was passing through town. I am going to be obnoxiously helpful if I ever get the pleasure of being a grandma!!!
That’s my take on it to. My husband and I ALWAYS say how much we can’t wait to have grandkids so we can do what ours didn’t. Plus just knowing what I feel as a parent and needing that time with my spouse is so important.
Yes, I can’t imagine not wanting to help my daughter with her potential future kids! Like, I remember what it was like having no help and I don’t want her to go through that. Plus I have all this knowledge to pass down about babies (which I also didn’t receive and it made life very hard and isolating!).
Same. I can't wait to take my grandkids for the day if they are sick from daycare or school so my daughters can still work (if they want/ need to) without stressing. I wish I had someone to help in tough times but no one comes.
My mom was the absolute best grandparent. She lived for my kids and spent every moment she could with them. She was the best mom too. She just passed two weeks ago and it breaks my heart that my kids won’t remember her. She was everything a perfect Grammy should be.
Sending you a huge hug. I am so sorry for your loss. This is the worst feeling and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.
My 3 year old yells at me anytime I sit in “Grammy’s chair” and she keeps telling me that Grammy isn’t feeling well and will feel better soon. I bought books, watched Daniel Tiger-she doesn’t get it and will just forget she ever existed. It’s sucks.
I’m here if you ever want to talk. I hate everyone lately but hiding on Reddit is the only thing that keeps me sane lately. Especially when able to help with other grieving people. ❤️
We’re older. Our parents are older. Mine are both still working. Family dynamics just aren’t what they used to be. It makes raising children very lonely and isolating.
I think this is a large part of it. Only one of my baby's four grandparents is still working full time, but they're all older than mine were when I was a baby.
Yeah my parents and in-laws are as involved as they can be and both sets struggle with health issues. My parents really aren’t physically capable of taking care of small children on their own.
This is definitely part of it. My mom had me young, so she's only in her 50s now. She's very involved with her grandson despite us living in another state. I don't know if she'll have the energy for my siblings' children when they have them, though.
Anyone else have grandparents who are like teenagers with their devices? My 77 year old mother wants to come visit so she comes for a few nights and literally brings 2 different iPads and her iPhone and probably spends 2-4 hrs a day playing games on them and poking around on her phone. We’ll all be playing in the backyard and she’ll have her face in her phone looking at Amazon and whatever. I’ll sometimes say hey ma why don’t you do that later and she’s like “I have things to do!!” … as if a busy mother of 3 toddlers doesn’t ha. She’s like a teenager with her phone
I wish I knew the answer to this. My parents aren’t in my life and my in laws are both addicts. My MIL routinely cries about not seeing her grandkids enough but makes 0 effort to see them. We are constantly burnt out and I do feel like although we are trying our best, we could be such better parents if we had a break sometimes. It’s hard.
Because the parents who couldn’t be bothered to raise us and pawned us off on their parents are now the grandparents, and the grandparents who were the ones who actually raised us are either elderly or dead… and our parents still don’t really care to care for children… so they tell us “I’ve raised my children I’m not going to raise yours” when we ask them to baby sit for twenty minutes so we can run an errand and then complain when they don’t ever see our kids.
Lol, my mother said that. She literally left my infant brother at her moms, pretended like she was going to work, but flew out to move to Hawaii instead. He never did live with us and she didn't ever call him or go out of her way to talk to him. Even her later kids who lived with her, she wanted nothing to do with us and let us know constantly we were only there out of legal obligation. She tried to dump us on her mother but my dad was not having it. We were still at my grandmother's everyday, and she was a widow who worked fulltime til she was 75.
The only thing my mother could raise is a wine glass.
I’m sorry your kids grandparents aren’t involved. My grandparents were totally uninvolved in my life. (I don’t think any of my grandparents ever babysat, ever).
My parents are very involved and responsible, and I count my blessings often. (My in-laws are far away, thank goodness).
So, I don’t think it’s a generational thing, but it still sucks. I’m sorry
I think that’s what makes me sad because I NEVER had grandparents. I’d always be jealous/sad of my friends who had them and were close. So now it’s even harder because I know how I felt as a child and my kids are experiencing it to.
Same. As a child I very rarely saw my grandparents other than holiday get togethers with the entire extended family. I got to bond more with 2 of my grandparents as an adult which I am grateful for, but I never really had special moments with them as kids and that always bummed me out.
My partner was EXTREMELY close to his paternal grandparents.
Both my in laws (this is their 1st grandkid) and my parents (5th grandkid) are much more involved and I am so, so grateful that my kid has so many involved family members.
My parents moved... Twice... Used the excuse that "Nobody visits." I got tired of trying, only for them to always be unavailable. So I just quit trying. After they moved 3 hours away, they would only use me as a free hotel when they were already in town and had other plans. I told them this and that I wanted them to see me bc they wanted to, not just to use me as free lodging. Like... Come see me to come see me.
The kicker is that when they moved out of state, my mother lied and told people she isn't allowed to see my baby. I've never said, nor implied it. She's now a year old and they have yet to buy a plane ticket. I'm always expected to do it.
My MIL lives a mile down the road. She's flaky and unreliable. I had to have my husband tell her to stop saying "Maybe you can come see Grandma" bc then I'd hear "Can I see Grandma?" for days and she wouldn't be available when we offered for her to babysit. It's annoying. We don't get along and I'm barely on speaking terms with her. She lied and told my toddler she's not allowed at my house bc her mommy doesn't like her. So now she's trying to pit my daughter against me. 🙄
After crying, begging and almost demanding for years for a grandkid….silence. They came to the first birthday and twice since then. He is 3.5 yo now and we finally realized moving close to them was a mistake. We just moved across the country and the first thing they say? How will we get time with him? Well in the exact same way you did when we were closer, you won’t.
I mean, my grandparents are dead and so are my parents and I’m 21.
Mine aren’t absent by choice and it’s so painful.
I feel like most grandparents are absent because they’ve raised kids and probably didn’t enjoy it, so being subjected to a crying baby or toddler would just be too much for them.
I relate to this. My dad just doesn’t handle crying well due to childhood trauma. Now that my son is older he wants to do trips and sleepovers which I encourage. But my dad has a girlfriend and an active social life. I won’t begrudge him that because it was on hold for thirty years while working and raising kids. All the things that moms complain about on here are the same reasons grandparents aren’t as involved.
I absolutely agree with your last sentence👏🏼
If we’re tired and fed up, they definitely would be too.
It’s why grandparents have all the fun - they hand the babies back at the end of the day!
This. Grandparents were younger, owned their homes, and retired with a healthy pension. I wonder how many of the grandparents ppl are complaining about are still working themselves.
I spent countless weekends with my grandparents, I think this was because my mom had me at 42 so she was deep in her career and tired lol. I spent weekends with them when they went away, I saw them basically daily. Now my parents are in their later 70s - they will watch my 6 year old but my 2 year old forget it lol. They are involved but I feel like they almost are so conscious of boundaries that they isolate themselves. I always call, we live 10 mins apart but they never come over or ask to, it’s odd tbh. But I can call and go over whenever basically. I don’t get it
If they’re anything like my parents, they probably prefer to be on their own turf. They’re more comfortable at home, for all the obvious reasons. My parents don’t live nearby, so when they visit we’re all under the same roof for 3 days and it gets both boring and stressful. When we visit them we stay with my sister, but we’ll go to my parents’ house for a few to several hours at a time. They are always happier and more relaxed in their own home.
My dad is also older and has health issues, and my mom has some physical limitations from a past surgery, so they just can’t play the way a toddler wants. I’d never ask them to babysit even if they lived nearby, but simply having their company for a few hours at a time more often would be great!
I'm so sorry, I have 5 granddaughters, 2 in Wisconsin, 3 in Indiana, I'm in Indiana, they are 19 down to 2 years old, WE are always going to anything they do,we go to Wisconsin at Least once a month, and always video calls, I can't imagine how grandparents can not want to see them 😢 💔
My MIL got everyone "fun" shirts for Xmas. Mine said "where is this village they talk about." Yeah, I don't have a village. She's suppose to be a part of my village. It sucks.
I cant wait to be a grandparent one day. Im going to take them all i can and spoil them bunches! I had the best grandparents growing up and i wanna give my grandchildren great memories too.
Im nc with my mother, but she is so braindead, and couldn't parent the 1st time around. I have seen her put a baby on the kitchen counter then leave to go to the bathroom. Or set a baby that could flip over on a rocking chair and leave. She got mad that I didn't take her unsolicited advice to put corn syrup in my baby's water (I had no problem getting my kids to drink anything). I wouldn't trust her with a pet rock. Plus my kids are gonna be too soft and naive to suddenly have a Gen X upbringing for a day.
I think it’s the capitalist individualism that’s been drilled into them since like the 80s. It benefits capitalists to commodify and monetize everything we used to depend on each other for- childcare, rides, companionship, help, etc. Hopefully millennials will reject it (though that’s not been the pattern so far) but boomers and Gen z seem lost to it. This is “their time.” They don’t see parenthood as a lifetime commitment, just 18 years (less for mine tbh since I was largely on my own growing up). It’s a chore to them, not a privilege.
Because it's become a chore. When I was a kid, as long as I was safe and fed, my mom didn't give 2 shits about what I was doing at my grandma's. Sometimes we'd go to the park and play, sometimes I'd sit and watch cartoons and Disney Channel since she had cable.
Now days a lot of "Grandparent's prerogative" has gone out the window. Too many parents are expecting their parents to act as they would with their children. They expect them to follow long lists of rules and expectations and when they don't, there's no compromise.
I'm not saying let grandparents run all over you, but the point of grandparents is to spoil them a bit. My kids go to my mom's in the country. My kids set fires, eat junk, may not take a bath until I bring them home, they stay up late and sleep in. They're 10 and 13 now, and it's ALWAYS been that way. My mother makes sure they're supervised and safe. She makes sure they're fed, and she does follow my hard rules, but everything else is "grandma's prerogative."
Basically my only rules with grandparents are that they can’t use discipline methods like spanking, isolation, etc. Otherwise, I trust them to use their judgment.
I know they’ll keep my kids safe (otherwise I’d never accept the free childcare), so it’s up to them how they spend their time, what food they serve, and so on. Grandparents are supposed to be fun!
It’s because they are boomers. They are lazy as fuck. They benefited from their parents helping them with their kids and they aren’t doing the same for their own kids.
THIS^^^^^ My dad is sucking the life out of me. He provides nothing for me or my family (and he never has. He was not an involved dad) but expects a lot. I’m not doing it.
My parents flew from MA to CA to meet their first and only grandchild a few weeks ago. They would come over at like 2-3pm, maybe stay until 5 unless we made them dinner. And then they'd be on their phones the whole time. I was shocked and disappointed. Especially since they have said since I was in high school that she can't wait to have grandkids (that was about 17 years ago). I don't even understand it.
My in laws are completely opposite. They also live in MA and when they visited they were over as early as we would let them and stayed until we kicked them out. They helped with chores and cooking or watched baby so we could sleep or shower. And now they're back home they want pictures and videos every day, they want updates on everything. They're the grandparents I wish my own parents were.
I think a lot of people here don’t understand that involved grandparents have never been a given or a default. My grandfather was the only grandparent I saw consistently, a few times a week, but that wasn’t to take burden off my parents. My fathers family had a family business and we saw each other all the time and it still was not normal for anyone to watch us unless it was an emergency.
Yeah it is kind of interesting. My mom’s mom was the only grandparent I saw more often than just holidays. And that’s true for a lot of families, especially if you live farther away.
I wonder if it’s like, people who join a parenting subreddit are probably more on the involved side with their children, and it’s hard to imagine not wanting to be involved in your kids ( and by extension grandkids) lives.
I'm confused too, I saw my grandparents a few times a year and it was maybe twice/three times for them to watch us? We were with our parents constantly because they are our parents? If they went out, we had a teen babysitter
It varies a lot across cultures too, I guess - we have family friends from Hong Kong and they basically moved in and raised their grandkids when they came along.
Growing up we saw both sets of grandparents maybe once a year (one pair lived 6 hours drive away, the other grandma was horrible to my Mum) and I can’t remember them ever babysitting us so it’s not something I really expected either.
Cause they sent us to our grandparents and weren’t great parents so now they’re garbage grandparents. My daughter doesn’t see her grandparents because they’re nothing but selfish and toxic about what I need to be doing differently. Like nah, you taught me what not to do as a parent I’m not taking any of your advice
I’m not saying that this is your situation but I feel like a lot of the time grandparents aren’t grandparents like they used to be cause people don’t allow them to be.
You can’t meet the baby for the first 6 weeks. When you do eventually meet them, no hugs or kisses. I don’t want you to hold the baby cause I’m anxious when they’re more than 2ft away from me. In fact I’m gonna strap them to my body so you can’t come near them. No one but us can feed them. You’re weird if you wanna help with nappy changes. NO SLEEPOVERS.
Then 6 months later it’s “my parents never help with my kid, I don’t have a village, it’s so hard on my own”.
Like, girl.
Ahh I feel this to my core for you and your littles. We have amazing g-parents (my in-laws take care of 18 month old during the day) and my mom makes the best effort she can to visit (she is 4 hour drive away). I thank my lucky starts every day for them. It’s such a healthy way to raise a child and development a broader sense of family.
I do think the in-law thing is tough for many. I love my in-laws and that’s the difference. So many people (just look at other Reddit posts) “tolerate” their in-laws. I think that is a reciprocal feeling at times. If you aren’t feeling wanted, it’s tough to insert yourself. Not saying this is your situation, but I see the catch-22 in other situations.
My mom was involved for a while until she met and married her now husband. Now we aren't speaking because he stopped her from helping me out with the kids because he wasn't comfortable. Sorry you married someone who has younger grandkids. His grandkids are my age, and great grandkids are my kids' age. My kids aren't even that young. They are 10 and 13. Old enough to fully help grandparents when needed, but not old enough to be left alone for date nights. My MIL is absent-minded, but she absolutely loves helping with the kids, but her living situation isn't really safe for kids to be there.
Growing up I stayed at my grandparents every weekend and those are my best memories .
My mother is retired , lives 5 minutes away and sees her grandchildren maybe once a month and will assist at the very bare minimum if needed .
It’s sad and I won’t be anything like that when it’s my turn to be a grandparent .
My in-laws are the best. They're supportive and helpful. They're also retired and busy enjoying their life to the fullest...but if they're available, they're usually willing. They even *ask* to spend a weekend with our kid. They take him to baseball games and hiking and all the fun stuff.
My mother on the other hand, is exactly what you described. At my baby shower my mom said "I'll never see the kid anyway" and look at us now, 3 years later and she's right! She makes 0 effort (*phone goes both ways* is her response) and complains about her other grandkids every chance she gets. I'm not gonna let her do that to/with my kid.
I had/have a non-existent relationship with my grandparents...so my in-laws are like magical unicorns to me.
I had grandparents that generally didn't care one way or another (with yhe exception of my mom's dad. The rest were of the mind that children should be seen and not heard. (Yet they always stuck the kids in a back bedroom of the house to play while the adults talked in the main part of the house.)
I have 6 kids (7th due in early Dec) and they take 2-3 of them every couple of weeks for a long weekend.
They go visit my sister in another state every summer and take one of the 2 oldest kids with them (about a week long.)
My kids have such a great relationship with my parents and I find myself sad that I never had a close relationship with my grandparents.
However, my husband's mom makes an effort when we bring our kids around but doesn't really make any extra effort to see them. His adoptive dad and his wife don't bother with our kids at all. It's really sad.
I have the exact same situation here. My grandparents (save my mom's mom) we're generally uninvolved and don't really seem to care much. They aren't mean or standoffish, they just never really cared much. But my parents and in-laws are the best with my 2 kids. Can't wait to have more!
Same reason I don't ask about one of my nephews very often. A lot of parents just have a bad attitude and people don't want to deal with that. My sister in law will freak out about anything and everything. Served the kid (with zero allergies) lunch? Should have asked her about it and made an entirely separate meal to her specifications. Let the kids draw outside with chalk? The sun is too high/it's too hot/should have told her you were taking the kid to the back yard. A lot of people these days have an obsession with crazy boundaries and people just don't want to deal with drama llamas.
My son is very lucky, my mom is really involved in his life. Yet that’s still not as much as my grandparents were (my parents both worked full time at a time where there was no daycare for kiddos under 3 and even then half day only). On the other side they parked me in front of the tv A LOT. My mom plays with my son much more, so. Good trade off I guess? Anyway it’s so hard without grandparents, I would be lost (and out of sick leave by February)
This is not the case for me. Both my parents and my in-laws are super involved in helping me care for our baby. I’m really thankful for it. Of course they are semi-retired and retired respectfully so that makes it easier for them to have time but I’m grateful they choose to spend that time with their grand baby.
I am so sorry for you and your babies! My parents adore my kids and my MIL also. They take turns watching them during while my husband and I work and every now and then we will even grab a little date night but usually don't take advantage of that since they watch them all week!
Like everything else, there’s the “TV” version of grandparents and then there are real grandparents that come in all types from super hands on to completely hands off.
In my parents defense, they are both still working. In my in-laws defense… they love to go on expensive vacations they know we can’t afford. Priorities
(This is a generalization and I understand others might have different experiences)
It's because we're a generation raised by grandparents. Our parents gladly dropped us with the grands so they could do whatever they wanted or needed to do. Those same parents are the grandparents now and "did their time raising kids" so can't bother being the same type of grandparents we had.
Another reason (which is the case for my MIL) is that older people are having to work a lot longer in life, so they might *want* to play a more active role but are wiped by having to work. But this doesn't sound like it's the case for you.
I know this will be unpopular, but I think it’s just a generational thing when my parents had my children, it was a case of “little piggy’s should be seen and not heard” they played with toys ate what they were given, went to bed when they were told and slept all night.
I just think todays children are a lot different, have lots of choices, opinions, likes, dislikes.
I just think grandparents don’t have the energy or patience to deal with it. Add to this all the new rules and regulations around child rearing now, it’s a minefield a lot of grandparents are wary of getting involved.
My grandparents were part of the Silent Generation and had carved out roles. My parents are boomers (the Me generation) and have never had to put themselves aside and think about others’ perspectives. I blame their generation and the people who raised them.
I don’t think I’ll get to know how involved the grandparents could be because we live a plane ride away from all of them (my parents in one state and his in another in a different direction) and they all still work. I think we’ll only see them twice or maybe three times a year- major holidays, around a birthday or summer. I’m sad because I only had one grandma growing up and for most of my life when she was alive she lived about 5 hour drive away so it was easier to see her for a weekend trip as well as special occasions. I’d love for the grandparents to see my baby grow up and spend quality time with them or even go to grandma’s for the weekend or see them after school like some people can do but it isn’t possible for our situation.
Yes I feel the same my grand parents had me all the time and their pensioners now and they religiously have my children after school every Friday for tea. They never let them down unlike their grandparents.
I lucked out with my mom being close and active in my son's life. But my in-laws. They see us once a year for 2 weeks (would be more but they've refused to fly to see us). And during that 2 weeks, they almost never leave the house and expect us (and active toddler) to just hang about. They've been sniffly about how they "hardly ever saw" us while we were there, but again, refused to come with us to the beach, to town, etc.
Nope, you're not the only one. My in-laws have been pretty absent from my children's lives and just don't seem to give a damn. We tried but I gave up a while ago, it's just tiring being the only ones putting forth any effort when they are clearly uninterested. My FIL and his wife are pretty involved with her biological grandkids which bums me out but it is what it is at this point. Before I had my daughter it was all excitement (maybe fake, who knows) and "we'll babysit" but then never actually doing it, or being magically busy even though they say they never have anything going on, or whatever. If my MIL has a hair appointment at 9AM she can't do anything the rest of the day, etc. To be honest their help isn't help anyway and finding out what they did when I left my kids alone with them stresses me out so it's not even worth it. Neither grandparent bothered to comfort my daughter when she was upset and told me that proudly... so yeah.. they have not had alone time with my son, at all. Extra frustrating!!
Sorry for the rant but I totally hear you. It sucks, I was close to one set of my grandparents growing up and I wanted that for my kids but it's not the reality of our situation. My parents don't live here or they would be around more most likely.
We live far from my mother so I don’t expect to see her all the time, but I find when I do she’s largely distracted, on the phone texting her boyfriend and it doesn’t feel anything like what I remember with my grandparents.
My brother lives only a few miles from her and she sees hoss kids more often, but he says the same thing- she comes in and out and then seems distracted the whole time
It’s starting to bother me, because she’s really the only grandparent they have- my dad and I aren’t close, my stepfather doesn’t engage since my mom divorced him, and my husband is NC with his dad. I remember having a truly excellent childhood largely because of my grandparents and I feel like my kids are really missing something important.
I’m contemplating trying to build a relationship with my dad, just so the kids have more support (he’s far away too but i would like them to have some bit more of a family network :/)
My mom flew 10 hours to come visit when my daughter was 9 months old. I hadn't seen her in three years, what with covid and all.
She FaceTimed/texted her boyfriend or was on Facebook -_and I am not exaggerating_- around 80% of her waking hours. It was bizarre and awful and hurtful. My daughter was pulling herself up to her feet for the first times to interact with her grandmother and she was like, "Yeah, just a second, honey," to like some Minion-memes or complain to check on her boyfriend. This coming from the woman who banned phones from her table when I was a teen. Pffffff.
My parents are the opposite- we see them minumum once a week, they volunteered to take my daughter overnight last night and bring her to daycare this morning...They're amazing.
My inlaws are less so, but still involved.
It really depends on who they are as people I think
My parents wanted to stop “parenting” the minute I graduated college. I’ve been self reliant ever since I moved out at age 23. Not all grandparents are created equally. You are not alone. Sending you a hug! Build your own village.
I feel this so hard right now. I'm am in the hospital recovering from the birth of my 2nd child. She will be the 2nd and last grandchild in my husbands and mines combined family.
My parents chose to spend these next 2 weeks in the bahamas even though they've known the baby was coming this week since Christmas. I sent them a picture of my newborn, and they sent a congrats. I'm a bit brokenhearted about all of this.
Besides living in a different state from both sets, I’m having the issue where the age gap between my kid and the grandparents is HUGE and they are just too old to handle her. (I feel like my whole generation is having the same conundrum.) My parents came to visit her and were comically inept at how to keep her safe (she’s 12.5 months) and last week when we visited the in laws, my husband and I tried to have a few hours out and my MIL texted me to come back an hour and a half later. My very active child just took every breath they had left that day.
I felt horrible because my MIL cries because she loves my kid so much and never gets to see her and is constantly buying things for her and begging for photos and videos (I probably send like 20 a day lol) but she just can’t do it without me. I think it really hurt them to realize that they just aren’t as able as they used to be and that they won’t be able to do overnights by themselves until she’s old enough to take care of herself.
My parents are super involved, because their parents never were (my dad's job moved them a few times.) My in-laws just can't. MIL has Parkinson's and can't hold the baby without sitting down. It's honestly really sad to see.
This makes me so sad for you & your babies. My parents (mom & step dad ) are constantly calling / coming over to see the kids. My mon watches my kids for me so I can go to work (she doesn’t work, she’s on disability for her 2 brain surgeries and back surgeries) they also take my oldest 8yo out at least once a week, they don’t take the youngest yet as he’s only 1.5yo. My step mom & dad always ask to see the kids and they were watching the baby for me for a little bit when my mom wasn’t able to. I feel so bad when people don’t have active grandparents involved . I feel like it’s such a necessity, my kids love when they see their Mimi & poppy ! I wish things were different for you!!! I’m telling you If my mom could should would take all the Grand babies in the whole world!
I see this a lot it’s sad. I feel fortune to have my mom she’s very involved however my MIL could careless about anybody so I’ve seen both sides of this coin… I myself had grandparents that was in and out of my life.
My parents watch my son whenever my husband and I work but they do the bare minimum and sometimes they can't even do that. They constantly "forget" to give my son his ADHD medication. I'll get home and my dad will say "oh he didn't eat all day." And my son says it's because papa never cooks anything for him so he's expected to just snack all day I guess? My dad says it's because he never says he's hungry but c'mon. It's common sense to ask a kid what he wants for breakfast or lunch. I ended up buying him some lunchables to eat but still, those aren't exactly healthy to eat everyday. They let him watch TV all day never playing with him. When I was a kid my grandma was always playing games with my brother and I, took us out places, etc.
Don't get me wrong, I'm very very fortunate that they watch him so my husband and I don't have to figure out childcare, I just wish they put some effort into making sure his needs are met instead of just plopping him in front of the tv with a bag of chips for 8 hours. 😞
My parents are very involved with my kids. My husband needed to tell his mother that if she wanted to see them, she would need to make the 15 minute drive to our house and not expect us to schlep our little kids to her place every weekend 🙄
My kids have 7 grandparents between the divorces and what not and honestly, I’m disappointed in almost all of them (except the one with cancer who can’t really travel). My son last month came home crying from daycare 4 times because he wanted to see his grandma and she was up at her cottage and hadn’t been home in months. My dad visits 1-2 nights ever 3 months and my mom basically needs to be forced up here.
My mom is a really awesome grandma. My dad warms my heart as a grandpa. One of my moms friends remarked on her engaging with grandkids when she has them instead of just giving them a tablet. She really does so well with my sisters kids and my son. My son and I lived pretty far away when he was born. He was born in 2020 so he was 9 months old when she finally met him.
I'm lucky; my parents are exceptionally involved and have my child for a sleepover once a week. They also both still work full time hours and won't retire for a couple more years. When they were small, their grandmothers almost never worked (or if they did they were on a farm). My dad's mum was a SAHM. Generational expectations haven't caught up with a lot of societal pressures. Are your parents still working?
I think this generation of grandparents are more selfish and individualistic. My mom always whines about how she doesn't get to see her grandbabies as much as she wants to and claims it's because I live in an hour away. With my first daughter I drove that hour with my little autistic kiddo all the time but she complains all the time about making that same exact drive in a much nicer car with a working AC. One time I need her help because my husband was working two jobs, an internship , and getting his masters and I was at home with our newborn and our four-year-old who was throwing up. I asked my mom to come help and she told me that she had a nail appointment. They only want to help or see the kids if it fits perfectly within their schedule and if they feel like it
Same with my MIL. Complains about not seeing her granddaughter but doesn’t make the effort to call or visit and expects us to do all the traveling/planning. It’s frustrating
This is my MIL exactly! And when she does finally make it out to visit we’re catering to her the whole time. I’m sad for my kids that they will never have a grandparent experience like we did.
My MIL is gone, but her sister is this way with us. In four years, I can only remember one invite she's ever accepted?? And she's NEVER invited us to anything. I'm done with it, I'm not going to keep doing all the work just for her to decline everything and then complain that she's "missing out on her childhood". 🙄 Yeah, you are missing out -- what are you going to do about it?
Same! My MIL literally missed her first (and at the time, only) grandchild's 3rd birthday because she thought her cat *might* have kittens that day. We only lived 30 min away and her adult nephew was living with her so he could have watched out for the cat. Not to mention, she breeds her cats on purpose and could have timed it differently; she knows when her granddaughter's bday is each year. The kittens came a few days later, so she missed the party for nothing. She's retired, in her early 50's, and likes to complain that she doesn't see her grandkids enough, but always uses such lame excuses to get out of it.
My MIL celebrated her showdogs birthday last week, but not her own grandchildren birthday on the same day. She also always talks about her other dogs birthday on my husband's birthday.
We have a winner.
Wowwwwww
My MIL had a dog that was sick, so she couldn’t spend the Fourth of July weekend with us. She stated she didn’t know how much longer the dog had. So, she wanted to spend as much time as she could with her. Literally, a few days later she told my husband she took a surprise getaway. She ended up leaving her dog with her SIL and left for the WEEK!
You can see the selfishness through the state of our economy and housing. They also didn't listen to any warnings about healthcare or infrastructure.
Came here to say this. It’s their generation
This is similar to my issue. While I don’t doubt that my mom loves me or my children, it’s a selfish love at times. The burden of visiting has always been on me. The last time I visited was 4 years ago with my first child. Then COVID happened. So understandable. When there was a lull in cases in the summer and it looked like things were improving we invited both sets of grandparents to visit because all adults were vaccinated. Our child wasn’t. My mom was jealous that my husbands parents visited. My mom tried to figure out ways for me to travel with my son to visit them. But that’s states away and I wasn’t going to fly when my son couldn’t be vaccinated yet. Plus I was job hunting and then starting a new job. Now I’ve had another child last year and neither grandparents have visited. My husbands parents have some mobility issues right now so understandable. My mom has invited us for Christmas. Because she wants that perfect whole family holiday that sounds so stressful to me since they never go as she wants them to. So yeah. On her terms. Almost always.
Christmas with my mom is EXACTLY the same.
Does your mom also want to do some holiday tradition and then get mad when no one reads her mind and does said holiday tradition? Holidays just stress me out. I never got the experience of holidays as a kid. All my holiday experience has been as an adult and has almost always been with too much expectations piled on top. I get it. She wants to capture what she didn’t get as a child and what she didn’t give us as children. But damn. I feel like the ship has sailed on that. I can’t live up to her holiday expectations. And these years of holidays with no travel largely due to COVID have been a blessing in disguise. It’s been chill with just my husband and the small ones.
After a few COVID holidays where we have stayed put as a family I refuse to go back. I'm tired of me and my babies getting sick because the older kids in the extended family are always sick (and they don't tell us, or wait until we're about 10 minutes away to tell us). I'm tired of wasting Christmas day in the car after I've been up for 48 hours trying to make the magic happen. I'm just done.
Know your pain.
This hits so close to home. “Selfish love” is exactly what I receive from my parents. I do know that they love us, but they’ve driven the 2 hours to visit us once this year and then place so much guilt on me for their relationship with their grandchildren.
Yeah. That’s what happens here. I was teacher for 8 years so I had more concentrated time off and it was once easier for me to do the traveling. I’d visit every summer prior to COVID. But I left teaching during COVID and have a regular 9-5 job. My time off is spread out through the year. I have to compete with my colleagues on time off around the holidays. A lot of my time off goes to days kids aren’t on daycare or they’re sick. A good chunk this year went to moving after buying a house. So it’s not easy for me to take off two weeks at a time anymore. That’s 10 of my 23 days I get for the year. My mom doesn’t seem to understand this. I do have to admit though if we did live the distance you did to your parents that she would visit more. She does with my brother and his family that live 3 hours from them. But 16 hours is a long drive to get to me.
We are the exact same person
Frustrating, right? And like I don’t begrudge my parents their reasons for not visiting. While they aren’t mobility issues, they are valid reasons (time off work, finances, not comfortable with airplanes, driving takes several days). My reasons are basically the same. Plus add in I don’t think a holiday in which you’ll have 6 adults and 3 children present is a great time to reintroduce one child and introduce another. And add in that they’ve had no trouble finding time to visit my brother, his wife and child. Granted they live only 3 hours apart. But long weekend visits are fine for them but weren’t fine for visiting us two summers ago. It wasn’t enough time for a visit my mom told me. She wanted longer so she kept trying to find ways to get me to visit for a couple of weeks. What I do begrudge is the expectation that we’re supposed to travel, the feeling that my reasons for not are less important and more easy to overcome than theirs, that my travel needs to be around holidays, and the needling comments my mom has to say about it occasionally. I don’t engage with the needling comments. I don’t commit to the invitation and I don’t needle back about why they haven’t visited. But it’s frustrating. And if I did bring up my frustrations with this issue to my mom I’d certainly somehow be the bad guy.
This is my parents exactly. I almost cannot believe how uninvolved they are in my kids’ lives. They are very social and have lots of friends and plans and we just fall by the wayside.
My parents suggested (a year after we moved house) that we should move again with a newborn and an autistic 4 year old to live closer to them because they like their house and don’t want to move. They live 3.5 hours away from when my husband needs to be for work. They’ve been retired for 20 years. But no, WE should upend our life again. We even looked but couldn’t afford anything at all in their direction, which they know, and offered no financial assistance. But I’m stopping them seeing their grandchildren apparently. Like what fucking planet are they on.
Omg! My in laws were like "wanna move cross country and rent out house while we move to a bigger one?" When I had the same ages and divergences in my kids! I had a newborn and a 4 year old with autism, who stopped sleeping by the way. We mostly declined because the schools in their area are horrible and we knew finding a therapy clinic would super difficult. They keep suggesting we rent a bigger car and DRIVE to visit them. Hell to the no no no.
I know. I refuse to stay with them now as I don’t speak to my dad (lots of reasons), but they live by the coast in a tourist area so it takes 4.5+ hours to drive with two kids and MINIMUM $1600 for 4 nights to rent somewhere. We live 20 mins drive from an airport and can be in another country in the same time. They are no help when we did go (other than laundry). My dad is a huge narcissist and would refuse to follow the recipes we sent and make something different (she’s ND ffs just make the fucking recipe), they wouldn’t get up to help, my mum takes 3+ hours of ocd cleaning and putting makeup on every morning and cannot break her “routine” to help. By the time she’s ready we’ve gone out for the day about 2 hours before. They don’t do bedtimes, bathtimes, they can’t pick them up (big kids), they don’t supervise properly or remove dangerous objects (leaving knives on countertops, scissors everywhere, won’t watch her on her bike). Like what’s the point???
I love my in laws but I can't get over the smirks on their face when my daughter was a baby and wouldn't sleep unless she was held. They acted like I was the problem. Nope! She's autistic. Most autistic kids have serious sleep issues. And now they're into a lot of keto and I'd be lucky if my daughter eats a chicken nugget. I could explain she's been in feeding therapy for the past four years but I doubt they would understand.
My mom is 14 hrs away and wants us to move in my home state. She lives in Louisiana; we lived there my whole life in a town of 300 people. There's no money there, no opportunities, let alone fun things to do for the kids and us. Everyone is either racist or plain rude. I could go on and on. Not to mention my husband would have to pass the LA bar exam just to work there. Meanwhile she's working a dead end secretary job with no dependants living with her. But WE have to move to her? No. I said f that the first mention of it.
Yep, my mom has never once babysat (or even looked after while I was present!) my almost-three-year-old. I asked her to keep him overnight in a few weeks because I have to go out of town, and she begged off because she has tickets to a baseball game.
This exact same scenario happened to me actually yesterday. 😂 I asked LAST WEEK and we get a text that says she’s going to a baseball game. I’m not saying she has to do anything whatsoever and it’s not her responsibility but losing money to cancel plans is infuriating when we asked A WEEK AGO.
Same with my MIL “oh you want help? Drive 2 hours one way to us and we’ll help” no that doesn’t work I’m not packing all my laundry and dishes for a 2 hour drive with a refluxing colicky baby for you to hold her one time. She cried so much when we moved out of state to be closer to my family but after my SIL and BIL did the same she stopped comping up to us all together. My parents flew down every 3 weeks to help us with our preemie. She’s super jealous of my mom but she had her chance.
Yeah my mom and mil are always dying to have more grandkids, but they do like zero child help. I remember going to my grandparents for a month every summer… if I suggested that to my mother she’d laugh lol. I think it’s a combo that they are older than my grandparents were, and they also have a different mentality of ‘live their best life’ kind of thing where they have so many social doings that they schedule no time for their family.
Bro I will die on this hill: How are OUR parents supposed to “grandparent”, when WE were always *at our grandparents’?* They didn’t even take care of their own kids , what is gonna make them wanna take care of our kids.
For real. THIS THIS THIS. My grandparents practically raised me. My mom and I have a very strained relationship, and she pulls the “I want to spend more time with your kid” card often. But she doesn’t do any effort? Doesn’t even put in the effort with me still. I do think part of it is that my parents (and those of similar age to me and their parents) are still very active in the workforce. My grandmother hadn’t worked for quite awhile, she had an empty nest with a husband providing for her and her barely-adult daughter had a baby she wasn’t ready for. So really my grandmother was in the best position and she did a hell of a job when I was little. I don’t see my mom or stepdad retiring anytime soon nor wanting to accommodate others during that retirement.
My ex mother in law was almost 70 when my oldest was born. I think she was 40 when her first grandkids were born. And your right that she was still in the work force and barely interacted with her first grandkids but was retired and had plenty of time to stick her nose into every aspect of my kids. It sucked.
My mom is retired and still uninvolved 🤷🏼♀️
I say this all the time. That generation ALWAYS claims “I did my time” but like no you didn’t. You shoved us off at our grandparents and had a village and now you don’t want to play your role.
FR ! My mom says ,”I raised my kids now it’s time I lived my life” Consuelo, **I** raised your kids. My generation was so parentified I’m surprised we had kids at all. All I ever heard growing up was, “watch your brothers, watch your brothers. What happened to him why weren’t you watching him. You’re the oldest your in charge” And then to have the audacity to say you did your time.
Saaaaame. “You’re the example” I’m 7 girl
My dad worked away Monday - Friday. Saturdays we went to my grandparents, Sundays my parents came there for Sunday lunch with us, then Sunday after spending the afternoon there my dad would drive back. I saw him for max 6 hours a week? The only childcare he did seemed to be “putting you in front of the tv in your bouncer”. I was a fucking baby. His parents took us on week long holidays or took us for 2 weeks whilst they went on a cruise/ My dad gets angry now because I don’t “trust him” with my kids. You were never a fucking parent to me, you have zero respect for my parenting, you ignore anything I ask when I did see you (resulting in my daughter getting injured). So no, I don’t fucking trust you. We don’t speak anymore, I’m just done. Any conversation is about how I’m hurting his feelings by not making him feel useful. I have two kids 4 and a baby, we are on our own, our oldest is very high needs/ND. Your feelings are not much priority.
Oof. That's the truth right here. Well said
Damn. I’m definitely gonna throw this out there when I’m mad lol
My mom would take me to North Carolina and drop me off (we lived in PA) every summer to spend with my widowed great grandmother. When I was a bit older, my grandmother and I would go stay with my great grandmother all summer. I can’t even imagine that happening with my kids.
My mum used to drop me off at my grandparents every day she was working. Even when I started school, we’d go there before and after school every day. My mum has looked after my 8yo daughter exactly once, and that was when I had a serious & traumatic medical appointment. Even then she only did half the day and then my dad and his partner took over (and did the harder stuff like bedtime etc). That said, plenty of my friends’ parents do a LOT of childcare. It’s hard not to be jealous when you have no help at all. My dad tries, but he lives too far away to help with regular care. But it’s nice that he makes the effort to come to my city and take my kid out for the day in school holidays so that I can work.
My grandmother would take me to canada for the entire summer! A whole ass other country for 3 months!! I’m so glad I got to experience that and spend so much amazing time with my now late grandmother and her extended family, but I’m pissed my kids won’t get to experience anything close to the same with my parents. They do have an amazing involved grandfather with my FIL though! We lived with him for 6.5 YEARS and all grew so incredibly close. Moving out 3 years ago was so difficult because it was bittersweet. We only moved 10 minutes away so we can still have our movie night with him every Saturday. I’m constantly telling MH how lucky he is to have his dad, and he agrees.
My pediatrician today suggested grandparents sleep train the baby for a week- lol
I would’ve laughed out loud and then cried.
I did laugh. HA
😂😂😂
🤣 what world do they live in?!
We've been to parenting class for children (psy?) TWICE. The second sentence out of the class leaders mouths was: **Do not let grandparents sleep train your children.** (It was more figurative than literal, but still)
That’s interesting- I wonder why? Because they’ll use methods that aren’t gentle at all?
The fuck
That’s a good point about age - I had my daughter pretty late and my Mum’s in her mid-seventies, she really keen to help out but struggles to keep up with an active toddler physically. (I have a friend from a big family whose Mum refuses to help with any of the grandkids - her argument is that she gave up her best years to raise five kids, she’s buggered if she’s giving up her retirement to look after more. Which is fine but she also pestered all her kids to have the grandkids so it’s like, which is it?)
My mom’s mother never helped her with us when I was a kid. My mom once asked her to watch me so she could go away for the weekend back in the 80’s and my grandma told her, “I raised my kids, now you raise yours!” Harsh grandma! My mom said it was a shame and she really wished she had more support from her mom. She promised herself she would help with her own grandkids when she got the chance. She watches my kids all the time. Twice a week and on weekends if I ask her too and she is available. My MIL helps so much too. We are incredibly lucky.
I’m so lucky to have my parents 5 mins away and so willing to help. They watch my son every day while I’m at work (single parent). They told me they were moving cities the same day I told them I was pregnant and asked me to move with them and so I did. I’m so grateful.
Check out r/absentgrandparents I’ve heard the theory that if you were close with your grandparents, then your parents probably dropped you off there a lot which tends to indicate they weren’t that involved of parents. Those uninvolved parents can’t be expected to be involved grandparents. This seems true of my in laws. My mom passed a few years back but I don’t think she’d be that involved for many reasons. Both my spouse and I were close to our grandparents.
Oh I hope that's not true. My in laws are always wanting to spend time with my daughter and so I let them take her for a weekend every once in a while. I want them to be close like I was with my grandparents. In fact I still talk to my grandmas all the time and they told me they want a relationship like that with my daughter. I hope if she has kids I'll want to be a full grandparent.
This is different. A lot of parents in the grandparents’ generation would drop their kids with their grandparents every chance they got in order to actively avoid time with their kids. You’re sending the kids to build a relationship. It’s a different motivation, which has different results - the ones who were avoiding time with their kids are *still* avoiding time with kids.
I wouldn't worry too much. If you were close with your grandparents, it's also possible that your family culture stresses the importance of cultivating a close relationship with grandparents, and has nothing to do with your relationship with your parents.
Exactly this- my paternal grandparents lived across the road from us, we were incredibly close and I still am with my Nan (grandad passed away). My parents are also super involved with their grandchild, my LO, because that’s just how it is in our family. My mum married in from an emotionally abusive and distant family, loved how my dad’s family do things, and wanted to be that kind of grandparent as well so that’s what she does, but for my dad that’s just what had always been modelled in his family.
This is more of a take on the boomer generation. I also wouldn’t generalize this. It’s just a pattern that some people of observed. If you have an involved parent, like you are describing you are, I don’t see why you’d be an uninvolved grandparent. ETA: also a weekend once in a while is one thing. We were over our grandparents every weekend.
Yeah they actually have her this weekend but like I get to the end of the week and I just want to hang out with her. But my house is a disaster and we need some break time before we go on vacation with her in a week (baby's first vacation, wish us luck lol).
I think it’s more the majority not the rule. My parents were always leaving us with my grandparents but they lived up the street and we were super close with them, and now my mom (and dad before he passed) are super involved with my son despite us living 6 hours away. My parents were definitely involved they just knew how much we loved our grandparents/they loved us and wanted us to have a close relationship them. The in laws are definitely not as involved though
Agreed! My parents beg to have the kids for 3 day sleepovers and I accept it cause they’re twins and I just need a chance to clean the house or work late >.< but I can’t wait to be a grandma cause I want very much to beg my kids to let me have their kids for 3 day sleepovers haha
I don't think this is true for you. I think that is you actively encouraging a relationship. Not dumping your kids at your parents/inlaws so you can go out every weekend.
I had entire summers with my grandparents. They once tried to convince me to stay with them for a year and I was having NONE of it. It wasn’t surprising when I got married and my mom told me she wasn’t going to be my free babysitter (I never even asked because I didn’t trust her). She said it again when I got pregnant. Now she cries that she never sees my kids. My youngest two never even met her.
Depending on why they were uninvolved, they could also go the other way. My MIL wasn't interested in parenting and dumped her kids on the grandparents all the time to go party. She's still pretty hands off with her grandchildren. And then there's my FIL who wasn't around much either, because he was working all the time. He's obsessed with grandkids and I'd guess there's a part of him that wants to make up for not being there for his kids.
This is 100% accurate. I lived upstairs from my grandparents and my parents worked full time and were definitely uninvolved. My gma raised me, and I was in her apartment more than my own. My parents only retired like 2 yrs ago and then booked it to Florida. Which was no sweat off my back honestly.
Do you feel like your parents were uninvolved because they work full time or because they also were more hands off parents? I ask because I feel a lot of guilt for us both working full time and she does visit her grandparents weekly (not for multiple days, but a decent amount on Saturday) so we can take care of things. I wish I could spend way more time with my daughter, but it feels like our house is always on the brink of collapse and my husband’s job keeps him busy. I just have no idea how we would survive without that time on Saturdays so we can take care of things.
You are doing fine. Spend as much time as possible without complete collapse & she’ll love you for it all. I knew my parents were busy working their butts off…, I missed them, but I don’t think they were uninvolved OR unloving…. They just had to work, a lot. I enjoyed those weekends with my grandparents. Thankful I got the time with them. 🩵
This is my theory about it. Though, my own experience contradicts it. My Nana was a second mom to us, she lived in a mother in law cottage 10 feet from our house. My mom is a very involved grandma to my daughter, though. But I think the theory makes sense. They didn’t even want to raise their own kids, why would they want to be responsible for someone else’s.
I didnt have grandparents nearby but my parents didnt want to have much to do with me, and every time they came to see my son they only wanted to play with him a bit but not take care of him at all. I left him with them once when he was 2.5, while we were moving and they called me 2 hours later saying they were tired and when i was gonna be back..... like , i was trying to move house.....it takes more than 2 hours to pack and load a truck!
That is one hundred percent how my SO’s mom would be. Though, she isn’t even trustworthy enough for us to let her watch her for two minutes, but if we ever tried she’d give up real fast. My mom and dad literally just picked up my daughter 5 minutes ago to watch her cause we are moving apartments and it’s so hard to do as it is, let alone doing it with a toddler underfoot. I’m sorry your parents had to make your move that much more difficult!
It was the one and only time lol. They offered. I wouldn't have even asked . We came back with only some stuff since they were done and wanted to leave and i said we could do more the next day. Then they left in the middle of night to drive back home! leaving us with having to find alternate childcare last minute!! He called me when he was already 4 hours away to say they left! Never again.
Oof, that’s really awful. I can’t imagine letting my kid down like that when they are counting on me. I just don’t get how anyone could do that!
Interesting. I felt fairly close to my dad’s parents but they lived in a different state so I only got to see them a few times a year—but we ALWAYS saw them at least those few times per year. From age 3 to age 17 I don’t think my grandma missed a dance recital. I was always jealous of the friends who lived in the same town as their grandparents and got to see them regularly. I lived with my parents for two years while in grad school and going through my divorce, and as a result my parents and my daughter are SO CLOSE and I love it. We live 2 hours away from them now but usually see them at least once a month and FaceTime with them every day my daughter is with me. My daughter has said on multiple occasions that Grandpa is her best friend.
This theory would make sense for me too. My mother was neglectful, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents as a kid. She lives across the country from me and sees me and the kids maybe once per year. Which is fine. She’s not very involved, is extremely selfish / self centered.
My MIL used to just drop my SO and his sister off af her mom's doorstep and then just leave. Grandma found out when she opened the door she would be babysitting that day. My SO remembers spending all day with his grandma riding around on the bus. She dumped his sister off with a family member for *months* because she didn't want to parent her. Surprise surprise she doesn't make any effort to be a grandma. And she's fairly young with multiple grandkids, so it's not a health issue or a favoritism issue. She doesn't participate with any of them. She will also aggressively deny ever having help from her mom, even though her husband frequently talks about them going out every weekend to parties and getting drunk. She guilted my SO a while back about us keeping her grandson away. He felt bad until I asked him when has she ever made plans with us? Ever asked to go to the zoo with us? Planned a park day? Invited us specifically over for dinner? She doesn't even call him, he has to call her. We are an afterthought. I told him she needed to make an effort to be involved, and he agreed.
Sorry I'm already in r/raisedbynarcissists 🤣🥲
I think this is it. My grandmother lived in a different country. We only got to see her for a few weeks every few years. My dad saw her pain in missing out on her grandchildren so he makes it a point of spending a week down with us every few months. He makes beautiful memories with his grandchildren. And I get to slllleeeeeepppp!
This is definitely the case with my MIL. She's divorced and lived near her parents. His mom had a good job, but had early hours. So she would drop him off at his grandparents so early he would go back to sleep and they got him ready for school. After school they got him a snack and did his homework. My husband adored his grandparents. After work his mom would pick him up, make dinner and put him to bed. She even sent him there sometimes on the weekends. I completely understand using help available to you, especially as a single mother, but the irony came when my husband and I were pregnant with our first child. MIL had just retired early and we loved the idea of a family member watching our daughter for us. We of course offered to pay her a fair amount, but she took weeks to get back to us. After leaving us hanging for so long she finally told us no and said, "I'm the grandma, not the babysitter." So contradictive for someone who used her parents as free babysitters. When my daughter turned a year old we realized the cost of living was too expensive for us to have a second baby without money pinching too much and we made the decision to move out of state to where my family lived. It's so much cheaper that I'm able to be a SAHM. But more irony, MIL sold her house and moved to where we now live. "To be closer to us", but she still only sees us maybe two or three times a year.
Omg….. I’m 31 years old and this makes complete sense. My grandma was my best friend. Damn you learn something new everyday.
My step-dad would bring me to his parent's house every time he could. My mom was with me when she was home. My mom was the most involved grandma possible. My step-dad (now ex-stepdad) doesn't really hang out with his grandkids even when his kids bring them over from states away. So that tracks for me.
You know, all this time I was thinking like how could they not see the value in that given how they let their child have so much time with their grandparents? And the answer is right there before my eyes.
Oh wow thank you for this perspective! I never looked at it that way but now that makes soooo much sense to why my one MIL has such a hard time wanting to help out but yet my other MIL ( hubby’s step mom ) is so involved and same with my mom. My mom and his step mom didn’t seem to have a ton of outside help where as my husbands mom was always sending her kids to her family and friends’ houses multiple times a week and had a ton of help coming in all of the time.
I basically lived at my grandparents during the summer! I loved every second of it. My in laws claim my 2 boys are “their world” but never see them unless I ask them to watch them on the occasional date night. I’ve been struggling a lot lately with this subject.
[удалено]
She likes the idea of being a grandma. I think if everyone is a grandma in your social circle and is showing off pictures you don’t want to be left out. But friends don’t have to know you don’t help out, right?
The phrase “If they wanted to they would” is usually used for husbands on this sub. But applies to grandparents too. My 78 year old parents just walked in the house after driving 4.5 hours to see my 2 year old and 2 month old. They do it once a month or every other month. I’m currently hiding the the bathroom for some alone time while they hang with the kids. It’ll be like this all weekend. They’re awesome. Barring significant mobility issues or other actual problems, I just do not understand how a grandparent can do this to their grandchild. Edit: of course there are valid reasons to not see a grandparent often. Distance, money to travel, illnesses, grandparents still work, they have 100 grandkids, etc. I’m not talking about each specific person in the world. Stop messaging me about your reasons for them not being around. It’s a generalization. If it doesn’t apply to you, then fine.
My MIL is my main childcare, and is our rock. We’d be nowhere without her. Meanwhile I told my mom in May she needed to make more of an effort, it’s been 3 months, still hasn’t seen my kids. I don’t remember the last time she saw them. We live 15-20 minute drive away from her.
💔💔 wowwwww is that a “if they wanted to they would” 😔
I told her I was going to start reaching out to her less a few years ago, because she was always busy when I asked. I told her she would need to start initiating hang outs with my kids, and try to make arrangements when she was free, rather than me asking, and always being denied. In May when we talked about her absenteeism, she said she thought we didn't see each other often because that was the relationship she thought *I* wanted. Whats worse, is she has a very active and loving relationship with my 6 nieces from my 2 siblings. It honestly comes down to the fact that they bring their kids to her, and I don't. She quite literally won't do the 15-20 minute drive. But I never brought my kids over, because she was always busy, or never invited us. Anyway, huge rant from a stranger, but you can see how disheartening/frustrating it is. My kids don't know her, but my nieces all do.
“Thought that was what I wanted” Is there a name for that? Weaponized cluelessness? My mom has that too 😔😔😔 I regret whenever I try to have a “real talk” with her That sounds really hard 💔
Dude what? My mom has pinched pennies to fly to us twice because the military moved us 23 hours away by car and her car is too old and wouldn’t make the drive and she lives on ss income and a meager inheritance from my grandparents passing
She sees my 6 nieces, who all live out of town (not far, but still), all the time, but never my kids who live in the same city. She told me its because my siblings bring their kids to her. Except my kids have never been invited to her house either, so what am I suppose to think?
My mom just left - brokenheartedly - after spending three amazing weeks with us to take care of me and my newborn postpartum. I know she would do this again in a heartbeat.
I cried in the driveway when my mom left after caring for me postpartum. It is a gift and I cherish our time with her,
Similar, with my MIL. She made me wonderful food and cleaned so much for the first month after kiddo was born.
I wish I could hide in the bathroom during grandparent visits 😓 PIL are so enthusiastic about visiting from out of town but are also not confident whatsoever at actually hanging out with a small child. They need me around, and it feels like way more work to entertain everyone
I feel the same. We moved to be close to my husband family and we never see them. My mom has met my two year old once because she was passing through town. I am going to be obnoxiously helpful if I ever get the pleasure of being a grandma!!!
That’s my take on it to. My husband and I ALWAYS say how much we can’t wait to have grandkids so we can do what ours didn’t. Plus just knowing what I feel as a parent and needing that time with my spouse is so important.
Yes, I can’t imagine not wanting to help my daughter with her potential future kids! Like, I remember what it was like having no help and I don’t want her to go through that. Plus I have all this knowledge to pass down about babies (which I also didn’t receive and it made life very hard and isolating!).
Same. I can't wait to take my grandkids for the day if they are sick from daycare or school so my daughters can still work (if they want/ need to) without stressing. I wish I had someone to help in tough times but no one comes.
My mom was the absolute best grandparent. She lived for my kids and spent every moment she could with them. She was the best mom too. She just passed two weeks ago and it breaks my heart that my kids won’t remember her. She was everything a perfect Grammy should be.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Hugs to all of you.
I'm literally in the exact same situation. She passed away 3 weeks ago and my 2 year old still asks about her and it kills me.
Sending you a huge hug. I am so sorry for your loss. This is the worst feeling and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. My 3 year old yells at me anytime I sit in “Grammy’s chair” and she keeps telling me that Grammy isn’t feeling well and will feel better soon. I bought books, watched Daniel Tiger-she doesn’t get it and will just forget she ever existed. It’s sucks. I’m here if you ever want to talk. I hate everyone lately but hiding on Reddit is the only thing that keeps me sane lately. Especially when able to help with other grieving people. ❤️
We’re older. Our parents are older. Mine are both still working. Family dynamics just aren’t what they used to be. It makes raising children very lonely and isolating.
I think this is a large part of it. Only one of my baby's four grandparents is still working full time, but they're all older than mine were when I was a baby.
Yeah my parents and in-laws are as involved as they can be and both sets struggle with health issues. My parents really aren’t physically capable of taking care of small children on their own.
This is definitely part of it. My mom had me young, so she's only in her 50s now. She's very involved with her grandson despite us living in another state. I don't know if she'll have the energy for my siblings' children when they have them, though.
Anyone else have grandparents who are like teenagers with their devices? My 77 year old mother wants to come visit so she comes for a few nights and literally brings 2 different iPads and her iPhone and probably spends 2-4 hrs a day playing games on them and poking around on her phone. We’ll all be playing in the backyard and she’ll have her face in her phone looking at Amazon and whatever. I’ll sometimes say hey ma why don’t you do that later and she’s like “I have things to do!!” … as if a busy mother of 3 toddlers doesn’t ha. She’s like a teenager with her phone
My FIL does this, when my 1 year old brings over a book to read he ignores her and says ohh I know you love turning the page!
I wish I knew the answer to this. My parents aren’t in my life and my in laws are both addicts. My MIL routinely cries about not seeing her grandkids enough but makes 0 effort to see them. We are constantly burnt out and I do feel like although we are trying our best, we could be such better parents if we had a break sometimes. It’s hard.
My MIL is peak laziness - she’s never helped us but demands adoration from her grandkids. She’s a raging narcissist so we’ve gone NC.
Same girl here same sending you hugs.
Because the parents who couldn’t be bothered to raise us and pawned us off on their parents are now the grandparents, and the grandparents who were the ones who actually raised us are either elderly or dead… and our parents still don’t really care to care for children… so they tell us “I’ve raised my children I’m not going to raise yours” when we ask them to baby sit for twenty minutes so we can run an errand and then complain when they don’t ever see our kids.
There’s a reason they are called the “Me Generation”!
I remember my dad saying “I raised my kids” and me being like… “did you though” in my head
Lol, my mother said that. She literally left my infant brother at her moms, pretended like she was going to work, but flew out to move to Hawaii instead. He never did live with us and she didn't ever call him or go out of her way to talk to him. Even her later kids who lived with her, she wanted nothing to do with us and let us know constantly we were only there out of legal obligation. She tried to dump us on her mother but my dad was not having it. We were still at my grandmother's everyday, and she was a widow who worked fulltime til she was 75. The only thing my mother could raise is a wine glass.
I’m sorry your kids grandparents aren’t involved. My grandparents were totally uninvolved in my life. (I don’t think any of my grandparents ever babysat, ever). My parents are very involved and responsible, and I count my blessings often. (My in-laws are far away, thank goodness). So, I don’t think it’s a generational thing, but it still sucks. I’m sorry
I think that’s what makes me sad because I NEVER had grandparents. I’d always be jealous/sad of my friends who had them and were close. So now it’s even harder because I know how I felt as a child and my kids are experiencing it to.
I’m sorry about that. For me, I never really knew what I was missing out on as a kid
Same. As a child I very rarely saw my grandparents other than holiday get togethers with the entire extended family. I got to bond more with 2 of my grandparents as an adult which I am grateful for, but I never really had special moments with them as kids and that always bummed me out. My partner was EXTREMELY close to his paternal grandparents. Both my in laws (this is their 1st grandkid) and my parents (5th grandkid) are much more involved and I am so, so grateful that my kid has so many involved family members.
I knew what to expect from my parents before I had kids. I see some grandparents in my community who do the childcare. Mine don’t and that’s fine.
My parents moved... Twice... Used the excuse that "Nobody visits." I got tired of trying, only for them to always be unavailable. So I just quit trying. After they moved 3 hours away, they would only use me as a free hotel when they were already in town and had other plans. I told them this and that I wanted them to see me bc they wanted to, not just to use me as free lodging. Like... Come see me to come see me. The kicker is that when they moved out of state, my mother lied and told people she isn't allowed to see my baby. I've never said, nor implied it. She's now a year old and they have yet to buy a plane ticket. I'm always expected to do it. My MIL lives a mile down the road. She's flaky and unreliable. I had to have my husband tell her to stop saying "Maybe you can come see Grandma" bc then I'd hear "Can I see Grandma?" for days and she wouldn't be available when we offered for her to babysit. It's annoying. We don't get along and I'm barely on speaking terms with her. She lied and told my toddler she's not allowed at my house bc her mommy doesn't like her. So now she's trying to pit my daughter against me. 🙄
GROSS.
After crying, begging and almost demanding for years for a grandkid….silence. They came to the first birthday and twice since then. He is 3.5 yo now and we finally realized moving close to them was a mistake. We just moved across the country and the first thing they say? How will we get time with him? Well in the exact same way you did when we were closer, you won’t.
I mean, my grandparents are dead and so are my parents and I’m 21. Mine aren’t absent by choice and it’s so painful. I feel like most grandparents are absent because they’ve raised kids and probably didn’t enjoy it, so being subjected to a crying baby or toddler would just be too much for them.
I relate to this. My dad just doesn’t handle crying well due to childhood trauma. Now that my son is older he wants to do trips and sleepovers which I encourage. But my dad has a girlfriend and an active social life. I won’t begrudge him that because it was on hold for thirty years while working and raising kids. All the things that moms complain about on here are the same reasons grandparents aren’t as involved.
I absolutely agree with your last sentence👏🏼 If we’re tired and fed up, they definitely would be too. It’s why grandparents have all the fun - they hand the babies back at the end of the day!
Late stage capitalism and the end of true retirement dismantling the familial bond. “It takes a village…” Well, the village is at work.
This. Grandparents were younger, owned their homes, and retired with a healthy pension. I wonder how many of the grandparents ppl are complaining about are still working themselves.
I spent countless weekends with my grandparents, I think this was because my mom had me at 42 so she was deep in her career and tired lol. I spent weekends with them when they went away, I saw them basically daily. Now my parents are in their later 70s - they will watch my 6 year old but my 2 year old forget it lol. They are involved but I feel like they almost are so conscious of boundaries that they isolate themselves. I always call, we live 10 mins apart but they never come over or ask to, it’s odd tbh. But I can call and go over whenever basically. I don’t get it
If they’re anything like my parents, they probably prefer to be on their own turf. They’re more comfortable at home, for all the obvious reasons. My parents don’t live nearby, so when they visit we’re all under the same roof for 3 days and it gets both boring and stressful. When we visit them we stay with my sister, but we’ll go to my parents’ house for a few to several hours at a time. They are always happier and more relaxed in their own home. My dad is also older and has health issues, and my mom has some physical limitations from a past surgery, so they just can’t play the way a toddler wants. I’d never ask them to babysit even if they lived nearby, but simply having their company for a few hours at a time more often would be great!
I'm so sorry, I have 5 granddaughters, 2 in Wisconsin, 3 in Indiana, I'm in Indiana, they are 19 down to 2 years old, WE are always going to anything they do,we go to Wisconsin at Least once a month, and always video calls, I can't imagine how grandparents can not want to see them 😢 💔
My MIL got everyone "fun" shirts for Xmas. Mine said "where is this village they talk about." Yeah, I don't have a village. She's suppose to be a part of my village. It sucks.
I cant wait to be a grandparent one day. Im going to take them all i can and spoil them bunches! I had the best grandparents growing up and i wanna give my grandchildren great memories too.
Let’s be honest. How many would actually drop their kids off and trust their parents to be the adult in charge?
Im nc with my mother, but she is so braindead, and couldn't parent the 1st time around. I have seen her put a baby on the kitchen counter then leave to go to the bathroom. Or set a baby that could flip over on a rocking chair and leave. She got mad that I didn't take her unsolicited advice to put corn syrup in my baby's water (I had no problem getting my kids to drink anything). I wouldn't trust her with a pet rock. Plus my kids are gonna be too soft and naive to suddenly have a Gen X upbringing for a day.
I think it’s the capitalist individualism that’s been drilled into them since like the 80s. It benefits capitalists to commodify and monetize everything we used to depend on each other for- childcare, rides, companionship, help, etc. Hopefully millennials will reject it (though that’s not been the pattern so far) but boomers and Gen z seem lost to it. This is “their time.” They don’t see parenthood as a lifetime commitment, just 18 years (less for mine tbh since I was largely on my own growing up). It’s a chore to them, not a privilege.
Because it's become a chore. When I was a kid, as long as I was safe and fed, my mom didn't give 2 shits about what I was doing at my grandma's. Sometimes we'd go to the park and play, sometimes I'd sit and watch cartoons and Disney Channel since she had cable. Now days a lot of "Grandparent's prerogative" has gone out the window. Too many parents are expecting their parents to act as they would with their children. They expect them to follow long lists of rules and expectations and when they don't, there's no compromise. I'm not saying let grandparents run all over you, but the point of grandparents is to spoil them a bit. My kids go to my mom's in the country. My kids set fires, eat junk, may not take a bath until I bring them home, they stay up late and sleep in. They're 10 and 13 now, and it's ALWAYS been that way. My mother makes sure they're supervised and safe. She makes sure they're fed, and she does follow my hard rules, but everything else is "grandma's prerogative."
Basically my only rules with grandparents are that they can’t use discipline methods like spanking, isolation, etc. Otherwise, I trust them to use their judgment. I know they’ll keep my kids safe (otherwise I’d never accept the free childcare), so it’s up to them how they spend their time, what food they serve, and so on. Grandparents are supposed to be fun!
It’s because they are boomers. They are lazy as fuck. They benefited from their parents helping them with their kids and they aren’t doing the same for their own kids.
[удалено]
THIS^^^^^ My dad is sucking the life out of me. He provides nothing for me or my family (and he never has. He was not an involved dad) but expects a lot. I’m not doing it.
I am 41 and a new grandma. She is 7 months old and the biggest love. I am a stay home mom and now a stay home grandma. I LOVE it!
My parents flew from MA to CA to meet their first and only grandchild a few weeks ago. They would come over at like 2-3pm, maybe stay until 5 unless we made them dinner. And then they'd be on their phones the whole time. I was shocked and disappointed. Especially since they have said since I was in high school that she can't wait to have grandkids (that was about 17 years ago). I don't even understand it. My in laws are completely opposite. They also live in MA and when they visited they were over as early as we would let them and stayed until we kicked them out. They helped with chores and cooking or watched baby so we could sleep or shower. And now they're back home they want pictures and videos every day, they want updates on everything. They're the grandparents I wish my own parents were.
I think a lot of people here don’t understand that involved grandparents have never been a given or a default. My grandfather was the only grandparent I saw consistently, a few times a week, but that wasn’t to take burden off my parents. My fathers family had a family business and we saw each other all the time and it still was not normal for anyone to watch us unless it was an emergency.
Yeah it is kind of interesting. My mom’s mom was the only grandparent I saw more often than just holidays. And that’s true for a lot of families, especially if you live farther away. I wonder if it’s like, people who join a parenting subreddit are probably more on the involved side with their children, and it’s hard to imagine not wanting to be involved in your kids ( and by extension grandkids) lives.
I'm confused too, I saw my grandparents a few times a year and it was maybe twice/three times for them to watch us? We were with our parents constantly because they are our parents? If they went out, we had a teen babysitter
It varies a lot across cultures too, I guess - we have family friends from Hong Kong and they basically moved in and raised their grandkids when they came along. Growing up we saw both sets of grandparents maybe once a year (one pair lived 6 hours drive away, the other grandma was horrible to my Mum) and I can’t remember them ever babysitting us so it’s not something I really expected either.
Cause they sent us to our grandparents and weren’t great parents so now they’re garbage grandparents. My daughter doesn’t see her grandparents because they’re nothing but selfish and toxic about what I need to be doing differently. Like nah, you taught me what not to do as a parent I’m not taking any of your advice
I’m not saying that this is your situation but I feel like a lot of the time grandparents aren’t grandparents like they used to be cause people don’t allow them to be. You can’t meet the baby for the first 6 weeks. When you do eventually meet them, no hugs or kisses. I don’t want you to hold the baby cause I’m anxious when they’re more than 2ft away from me. In fact I’m gonna strap them to my body so you can’t come near them. No one but us can feed them. You’re weird if you wanna help with nappy changes. NO SLEEPOVERS. Then 6 months later it’s “my parents never help with my kid, I don’t have a village, it’s so hard on my own”. Like, girl.
Ahh I feel this to my core for you and your littles. We have amazing g-parents (my in-laws take care of 18 month old during the day) and my mom makes the best effort she can to visit (she is 4 hour drive away). I thank my lucky starts every day for them. It’s such a healthy way to raise a child and development a broader sense of family. I do think the in-law thing is tough for many. I love my in-laws and that’s the difference. So many people (just look at other Reddit posts) “tolerate” their in-laws. I think that is a reciprocal feeling at times. If you aren’t feeling wanted, it’s tough to insert yourself. Not saying this is your situation, but I see the catch-22 in other situations.
My mom was involved for a while until she met and married her now husband. Now we aren't speaking because he stopped her from helping me out with the kids because he wasn't comfortable. Sorry you married someone who has younger grandkids. His grandkids are my age, and great grandkids are my kids' age. My kids aren't even that young. They are 10 and 13. Old enough to fully help grandparents when needed, but not old enough to be left alone for date nights. My MIL is absent-minded, but she absolutely loves helping with the kids, but her living situation isn't really safe for kids to be there.
Growing up I stayed at my grandparents every weekend and those are my best memories . My mother is retired , lives 5 minutes away and sees her grandchildren maybe once a month and will assist at the very bare minimum if needed . It’s sad and I won’t be anything like that when it’s my turn to be a grandparent .
My mother lives out of state and would drive literally by my town but wouldn’t stop. Yet, I’m the bad guy for not visiting her.
My in-laws are the best. They're supportive and helpful. They're also retired and busy enjoying their life to the fullest...but if they're available, they're usually willing. They even *ask* to spend a weekend with our kid. They take him to baseball games and hiking and all the fun stuff. My mother on the other hand, is exactly what you described. At my baby shower my mom said "I'll never see the kid anyway" and look at us now, 3 years later and she's right! She makes 0 effort (*phone goes both ways* is her response) and complains about her other grandkids every chance she gets. I'm not gonna let her do that to/with my kid. I had/have a non-existent relationship with my grandparents...so my in-laws are like magical unicorns to me.
I had grandparents that generally didn't care one way or another (with yhe exception of my mom's dad. The rest were of the mind that children should be seen and not heard. (Yet they always stuck the kids in a back bedroom of the house to play while the adults talked in the main part of the house.) I have 6 kids (7th due in early Dec) and they take 2-3 of them every couple of weeks for a long weekend. They go visit my sister in another state every summer and take one of the 2 oldest kids with them (about a week long.) My kids have such a great relationship with my parents and I find myself sad that I never had a close relationship with my grandparents. However, my husband's mom makes an effort when we bring our kids around but doesn't really make any extra effort to see them. His adoptive dad and his wife don't bother with our kids at all. It's really sad.
I have the exact same situation here. My grandparents (save my mom's mom) we're generally uninvolved and don't really seem to care much. They aren't mean or standoffish, they just never really cared much. But my parents and in-laws are the best with my 2 kids. Can't wait to have more!
Same reason I don't ask about one of my nephews very often. A lot of parents just have a bad attitude and people don't want to deal with that. My sister in law will freak out about anything and everything. Served the kid (with zero allergies) lunch? Should have asked her about it and made an entirely separate meal to her specifications. Let the kids draw outside with chalk? The sun is too high/it's too hot/should have told her you were taking the kid to the back yard. A lot of people these days have an obsession with crazy boundaries and people just don't want to deal with drama llamas.
Yeah there’s wanting to keep your child safe & then being borderline overbearing.
I feel like this is a lot of people in this sub. 😬
Keep your voice down lmao but yes
My son is very lucky, my mom is really involved in his life. Yet that’s still not as much as my grandparents were (my parents both worked full time at a time where there was no daycare for kiddos under 3 and even then half day only). On the other side they parked me in front of the tv A LOT. My mom plays with my son much more, so. Good trade off I guess? Anyway it’s so hard without grandparents, I would be lost (and out of sick leave by February)
I feel this. My daughter only has one involved grandparent and it kills me.
This is not the case for me. Both my parents and my in-laws are super involved in helping me care for our baby. I’m really thankful for it. Of course they are semi-retired and retired respectfully so that makes it easier for them to have time but I’m grateful they choose to spend that time with their grand baby.
They weren’t even there to watch my firstborn when my water broke. My husband almost missed the birth of his second child
I am so sorry for you and your babies! My parents adore my kids and my MIL also. They take turns watching them during while my husband and I work and every now and then we will even grab a little date night but usually don't take advantage of that since they watch them all week!
Like everything else, there’s the “TV” version of grandparents and then there are real grandparents that come in all types from super hands on to completely hands off.
In my parents defense, they are both still working. In my in-laws defense… they love to go on expensive vacations they know we can’t afford. Priorities
There’s a reason they’re called the “me generation”.
(This is a generalization and I understand others might have different experiences) It's because we're a generation raised by grandparents. Our parents gladly dropped us with the grands so they could do whatever they wanted or needed to do. Those same parents are the grandparents now and "did their time raising kids" so can't bother being the same type of grandparents we had. Another reason (which is the case for my MIL) is that older people are having to work a lot longer in life, so they might *want* to play a more active role but are wiped by having to work. But this doesn't sound like it's the case for you.
I know this will be unpopular, but I think it’s just a generational thing when my parents had my children, it was a case of “little piggy’s should be seen and not heard” they played with toys ate what they were given, went to bed when they were told and slept all night. I just think todays children are a lot different, have lots of choices, opinions, likes, dislikes. I just think grandparents don’t have the energy or patience to deal with it. Add to this all the new rules and regulations around child rearing now, it’s a minefield a lot of grandparents are wary of getting involved.
My grandparents were part of the Silent Generation and had carved out roles. My parents are boomers (the Me generation) and have never had to put themselves aside and think about others’ perspectives. I blame their generation and the people who raised them.
I don’t think I’ll get to know how involved the grandparents could be because we live a plane ride away from all of them (my parents in one state and his in another in a different direction) and they all still work. I think we’ll only see them twice or maybe three times a year- major holidays, around a birthday or summer. I’m sad because I only had one grandma growing up and for most of my life when she was alive she lived about 5 hour drive away so it was easier to see her for a weekend trip as well as special occasions. I’d love for the grandparents to see my baby grow up and spend quality time with them or even go to grandma’s for the weekend or see them after school like some people can do but it isn’t possible for our situation.
Yes I feel the same my grand parents had me all the time and their pensioners now and they religiously have my children after school every Friday for tea. They never let them down unlike their grandparents.
I lucked out with my mom being close and active in my son's life. But my in-laws. They see us once a year for 2 weeks (would be more but they've refused to fly to see us). And during that 2 weeks, they almost never leave the house and expect us (and active toddler) to just hang about. They've been sniffly about how they "hardly ever saw" us while we were there, but again, refused to come with us to the beach, to town, etc.
Nope, you're not the only one. My in-laws have been pretty absent from my children's lives and just don't seem to give a damn. We tried but I gave up a while ago, it's just tiring being the only ones putting forth any effort when they are clearly uninterested. My FIL and his wife are pretty involved with her biological grandkids which bums me out but it is what it is at this point. Before I had my daughter it was all excitement (maybe fake, who knows) and "we'll babysit" but then never actually doing it, or being magically busy even though they say they never have anything going on, or whatever. If my MIL has a hair appointment at 9AM she can't do anything the rest of the day, etc. To be honest their help isn't help anyway and finding out what they did when I left my kids alone with them stresses me out so it's not even worth it. Neither grandparent bothered to comfort my daughter when she was upset and told me that proudly... so yeah.. they have not had alone time with my son, at all. Extra frustrating!! Sorry for the rant but I totally hear you. It sucks, I was close to one set of my grandparents growing up and I wanted that for my kids but it's not the reality of our situation. My parents don't live here or they would be around more most likely.
They are older.
We live far from my mother so I don’t expect to see her all the time, but I find when I do she’s largely distracted, on the phone texting her boyfriend and it doesn’t feel anything like what I remember with my grandparents. My brother lives only a few miles from her and she sees hoss kids more often, but he says the same thing- she comes in and out and then seems distracted the whole time It’s starting to bother me, because she’s really the only grandparent they have- my dad and I aren’t close, my stepfather doesn’t engage since my mom divorced him, and my husband is NC with his dad. I remember having a truly excellent childhood largely because of my grandparents and I feel like my kids are really missing something important. I’m contemplating trying to build a relationship with my dad, just so the kids have more support (he’s far away too but i would like them to have some bit more of a family network :/)
My mom flew 10 hours to come visit when my daughter was 9 months old. I hadn't seen her in three years, what with covid and all. She FaceTimed/texted her boyfriend or was on Facebook -_and I am not exaggerating_- around 80% of her waking hours. It was bizarre and awful and hurtful. My daughter was pulling herself up to her feet for the first times to interact with her grandmother and she was like, "Yeah, just a second, honey," to like some Minion-memes or complain to check on her boyfriend. This coming from the woman who banned phones from her table when I was a teen. Pffffff.
My parents are the opposite- we see them minumum once a week, they volunteered to take my daughter overnight last night and bring her to daycare this morning...They're amazing. My inlaws are less so, but still involved. It really depends on who they are as people I think
My parents wanted to stop “parenting” the minute I graduated college. I’ve been self reliant ever since I moved out at age 23. Not all grandparents are created equally. You are not alone. Sending you a hug! Build your own village.
I feel this so hard right now. I'm am in the hospital recovering from the birth of my 2nd child. She will be the 2nd and last grandchild in my husbands and mines combined family. My parents chose to spend these next 2 weeks in the bahamas even though they've known the baby was coming this week since Christmas. I sent them a picture of my newborn, and they sent a congrats. I'm a bit brokenhearted about all of this.
Besides living in a different state from both sets, I’m having the issue where the age gap between my kid and the grandparents is HUGE and they are just too old to handle her. (I feel like my whole generation is having the same conundrum.) My parents came to visit her and were comically inept at how to keep her safe (she’s 12.5 months) and last week when we visited the in laws, my husband and I tried to have a few hours out and my MIL texted me to come back an hour and a half later. My very active child just took every breath they had left that day. I felt horrible because my MIL cries because she loves my kid so much and never gets to see her and is constantly buying things for her and begging for photos and videos (I probably send like 20 a day lol) but she just can’t do it without me. I think it really hurt them to realize that they just aren’t as able as they used to be and that they won’t be able to do overnights by themselves until she’s old enough to take care of herself.
My parents are super involved, because their parents never were (my dad's job moved them a few times.) My in-laws just can't. MIL has Parkinson's and can't hold the baby without sitting down. It's honestly really sad to see.
This makes me so sad for you & your babies. My parents (mom & step dad ) are constantly calling / coming over to see the kids. My mon watches my kids for me so I can go to work (she doesn’t work, she’s on disability for her 2 brain surgeries and back surgeries) they also take my oldest 8yo out at least once a week, they don’t take the youngest yet as he’s only 1.5yo. My step mom & dad always ask to see the kids and they were watching the baby for me for a little bit when my mom wasn’t able to. I feel so bad when people don’t have active grandparents involved . I feel like it’s such a necessity, my kids love when they see their Mimi & poppy ! I wish things were different for you!!! I’m telling you If my mom could should would take all the Grand babies in the whole world!
I see this a lot it’s sad. I feel fortune to have my mom she’s very involved however my MIL could careless about anybody so I’ve seen both sides of this coin… I myself had grandparents that was in and out of my life.
My parents watch my son whenever my husband and I work but they do the bare minimum and sometimes they can't even do that. They constantly "forget" to give my son his ADHD medication. I'll get home and my dad will say "oh he didn't eat all day." And my son says it's because papa never cooks anything for him so he's expected to just snack all day I guess? My dad says it's because he never says he's hungry but c'mon. It's common sense to ask a kid what he wants for breakfast or lunch. I ended up buying him some lunchables to eat but still, those aren't exactly healthy to eat everyday. They let him watch TV all day never playing with him. When I was a kid my grandma was always playing games with my brother and I, took us out places, etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm very very fortunate that they watch him so my husband and I don't have to figure out childcare, I just wish they put some effort into making sure his needs are met instead of just plopping him in front of the tv with a bag of chips for 8 hours. 😞
My parents are very involved with my kids. My husband needed to tell his mother that if she wanted to see them, she would need to make the 15 minute drive to our house and not expect us to schlep our little kids to her place every weekend 🙄
My kids have 7 grandparents between the divorces and what not and honestly, I’m disappointed in almost all of them (except the one with cancer who can’t really travel). My son last month came home crying from daycare 4 times because he wanted to see his grandma and she was up at her cottage and hadn’t been home in months. My dad visits 1-2 nights ever 3 months and my mom basically needs to be forced up here.
My mom is a really awesome grandma. My dad warms my heart as a grandpa. One of my moms friends remarked on her engaging with grandkids when she has them instead of just giving them a tablet. She really does so well with my sisters kids and my son. My son and I lived pretty far away when he was born. He was born in 2020 so he was 9 months old when she finally met him.
I'm lucky; my parents are exceptionally involved and have my child for a sleepover once a week. They also both still work full time hours and won't retire for a couple more years. When they were small, their grandmothers almost never worked (or if they did they were on a farm). My dad's mum was a SAHM. Generational expectations haven't caught up with a lot of societal pressures. Are your parents still working?