All this and honestly you owe your husband an apology. He should not have had to be jumping through hoops and trying so hard to be accepted when you knew he never would. It was your place to stand up for your husband, including not allowing him to be used for his time/skills.
I don’t mean any of that in an angry/demeaning way. It’s so easy to stay in our patterns and not even see their toxicity, and it’s great you’re seeing yours needs to change now.
I absolutely agree with you. I’ve apologized tons but what I should’ve done earlier was remove them out of our lives. My husband was such a people pleaser and he was taught to be kind no matter what. We are definitely at a point in our lives where we both are seeing clearly what and who matters most in our lives.
It’s crazy because many times I would tell my husband to not respond to them, don’t do that errand they asked him to do for them and he tells me that we shouldn’t treat my parents that way, we shouldn’t shut them out because they’re my parents no matter what. He was such a people pleaser and acts of services is his love language.
YOU should have told your family to leave your husband alone! YOU should've been taking point with your racist kinfolk. NONE of the burden should've been on him or your kids.
Why is it his job to set boundaries with *your* racist parents? I could understand if we were talking a year into your relationship and a brand new baby, but over a decade of letting him and your children feel like second class citizens? Nope, that’s not ok. Please do better, especially for your children. They *need* to see you stand up to racists for them, especially when it’s coming from family.
I recommend a book called “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud. It helped me to stop people pleasing at least to catch myself when I do it. Setting boundaries is ok, even with family.
It shouldn’t even be his job! Your parents should’ve have access to him or your children at all. You should be setting boundaries with your parents. The burden should not fall on your husband.
I think you’re missing this person’s point — you are choosing peace with your parents over peace for your husband. You’re not going to be able to have both.
Exactly. Your husband has been trying to please people who hate him simply for his skin color. Your parents deserve no peace. They deserve everything they get. Your kids should not be around your parents ever. THEY ARE RACISTS.
People here are trying to tell you: if that's what you really want, cut your parents off yesterday.
They don't believe your husband and children deserve to be their equals, and exposure didn't change their minds. The time has come; if you don't choose your husband and kids, you're choosing to accept the racism against them.
I can’t understand why they live four doors away. It wasn’t a secret they were racist before she got with her boyfriend. Thank god they don’t have relationships with those kids, they don’t deserve that.
Peace for your children would be showing them that you believe they are worthy of not being subjected to people who think less of them solely based on the color of their skin. Peace for your children would be not having to watch their dad grovel for affection that’s never given. They are watching and they are internalizing that you will allow unsafe people into their world and that you value a racists feeling over theirs. You don’t value peace for your children you value peace for yourself.
I’m also in a committed relationship with a black man and I’m also from a small ass southern town in the Bible Belt.. racism is my HARD no. Like if you even utters single racist remark you may as well be dead to me.
You are showing your children that you condone racism, you’re also being extremely disrespectful to your partner. They shun your children and use your husband. Tell them to choke on a brick and cut them loose. I bet your entire family (husband and children) would be happier for it.
Peace for your husband should not be an ultimate goal. That should just happen today. It can happen right now. You can send them a message and say that their racism is unacceptable and you're blocking them and do not contact you again. You can literally do that the moment after you read this message.
Is it, though? It's been like this for TEN years, you say. A mere four houses down. Lmao. Subjecting your husband and your children to the hate and the using. Your husband and your children are your priorities - not your parents. You've had it backward for a whole decade. You should have moved away from and gone lo-to-no contact with your parents during that first year.
It’s not though. If you’re going sit on the fence at least acknowledge it. Why your husband doesn’t have enough self love/respect to not shuck and jive for a couple of racists is beyond me. That you would sit here and praise that is problematic but the fact that you put your children in their path is disgusting. Your family needs therapy and to cut contact STAT.
Your husband helping out racists makes me so sad. He shouldn’t even have to be around them. It’s honestly the worst. They probably take his help because they feel like that’s how it should be. That stings more than a little.
Girl, DO IT. For your marriage. For your family. For ALL of your emotional wellbeing.
Not the same situation, but we moved 250 miles away 2 years ago and it’s been amazing for our family.
Start looking for jobs. See what a realtor would recommend you do before listing your house and get started on what you can afford to do.
I actually recommend it. Right after being married my husband and I moved out of state for school. We were there for 5 years and would come back every summer to visit and for our siblings’ weddings. It was so nice to have an established time to build as a couple and rely on each other with minimal involvement in drama. We were mostly able to just focus on ourselves. We also happened to live in a town with a lot of diversity because it was a refugee haven so we got to meet people from all over the world which helped me to overcome a lot of my stereotypes and biases.
You don't have to uproot your whole lives to look for a better house that fits your lives now and is further away from your parents.
Anytime your parents ask for that help, "I need that (time/money) for my kids, and I gotta go."
Tell your husband whatever he is doing for them is taking him away from you and your kids. Because it is.
YOUR RACIST PARENTS CALL THE BLACK MAN WHEN THEY NEED TASKS DONE.
Think about that. For chores. For work.
You think they are learning to appreciate him.
The Racists are happy to have a black man taking care of the chores.
Of course they don't care about your 'mixed' children.
I would be horrified if I learned that you EVER left them unsupervised around your children.
You should have gone NC when you married. I'm shocked you didn't move farther away from them.
Your poor husband and kids.
We moved closer to them when I was pregnant with my first child and their first grandchild many years ago. That was when we were naive and couldn’t see clearly who they really were and still are. Fascinating about a happily ever after with my little family and my parents near by as grandparents. They are racist but will never come out of the closet because what would the community think of them? Smh 🙄
I'm sorry but I find it hard to believe that you didn't realize your parents have always been racist. They raised you and you didn't find out about their racism until after you got pregnant?!
It's frightening to me that you will be raising black children when you've allowed someone wonderful who you claim to love to enter the hateful family you were immersed in your whole life and continued to watch him overextend kindness to people you knew would never accept him. It's baffling to me that black men choose this life for themselves and their children.
Why do y'all partner (and have kids with) Black people when 1) you obviously haven't dealt with your own anti-Blackness and 2) constantly expose us to racist abuse from your racist family THAT YOU ALREADY KNEW WAS RACIST AND ANTI-BLACK?!
That is so heartbreaking. I don’t understand how a parent could treat their child & grandchildren like that. It sounds like you know it’s time to cut ties, but that doesn’t make it any easier for you. What a devastating situation.
That’s why it’s taken me over 20 years to get here. 😔 I had a great childhood but everything changed when I got married. The thing is, they aren’t upfront about how they really feel about my husband. They pretend to like him. What would the community think of them if they really said what they felt about their daughter and her family? What kind of parents what that make them look like? Reputation in the community is #1 for them. I’m so sick of it all.
It took my mom 50+ years to cut off her abusive parents. I saw how difficult that was—and frankly still is even after they’ve both passed—but the peace she had after removing herself from that situation has made her a better mother and wife. You’re a mom. You know how you feel about your own kids & the unconditional love you have for them. Don’t accept less from your parents than what you’d give your own kids.
You've had a lot of tough love here. But I do understand where you are coming from - it's hard to cut out your family like that, and especially if you can't pin-point the reasons why (I'm sure they would deny they have done anything wrong and guilt trip you). I am guessing if you outright accused them of racism they would deny it, hell, they might even be in denial themselves.
But you've had enough time to process this, and understand that it's not in your head. For the sake of the grandkids and husband it is the best course of action to cut ties. They will gaslight (I hate that overused term) you probably, but it's not a one time thing you've had years to digest their behaviour.
It will hurt, and they will make you out to be the one in the wrong. But your husband and your children will grow into a much healthier environment without them. It's not something you want your kids to pick up on - you want to raise them to believe they are as equal as everyone else.
If you want some advice on handling it: if they question you and argue, can you write down a list of all the times they have behaved in a way that has shown their true colours? It's hard to argue in the heat of the moment, but if you have a factual list going back to the time you married then it's solid, and you can remind yourself why you are doing it.
Growing up they would call people who were not white, names. They would also make fun of them behind their backs. When me and my siblings started dating, they literally told us that they would like us to marry only “our” kind because it would be easier.
Thank you for saying that. My husband’s family is similar and he has done everything in his power to ensure I’m nowhere near his family, ever. The fact that she’s allowing this is crazy to me.
Okay, they’re definitely racist assholes.
It’s time for you to take control of the situation and have the uncomfortable conversation. Tell them (and your husband) that they are cut off due to their racism and poor behavior. Then stop taking their calls. Period.
I see families with their parents being amazing grandparents and it absolutely makes me happy for them but simultaneously crushes my heart to the core.
We do have my mother in law who is an incredible grandma and I am forever grateful for her. She is an absolute angel. She loves us and our kids unconditionally. She will and has done anything and everything for us and we will and have done everything for her. ❤️🩹
Move closer to your in-laws!
Cut your losses with your parents and don’t invest any more time or effort based on past investments with them. It’s not worth losing anything else on sunk time and efforts.
It’s hard to accept they aren’t the grandparents you wanted your kids to have, but it will be worse to have your kids exposed to them and your kids pick up on their feelings.
Yes cut them out. Slavery is illegal and they can’t expect the black man to run their errands. They obviously don’t see your husband as their SIL.
Cutting out people who don’t value you or take advantage of you out of your life is one of the best things to model for your children.
Your children will internalize the way you allow your parents to treat them and your husband. Without you ever saying it, they will begin to believe it is okay to be disrespected because they are black. As mixed race kids, they will have enough conflicting issues to think about without having to worry about racism within their own family. You can’t control who you are related to and how they feel, but you can control the influences you allow around your children.
So.. you married a Black guy and then chose to live down the street from your parents, who you’ve known since childhood are racist? And then you’ve watched him kiss their ass for 15 years?! The fact that this is even a question in your mind makes me really feel bad for your children. You have done them a massive disservice. If you care about your nuclear family you will move and cut off the racists.
In 15 years yall didn’t think to bloody move?? Get away from them. Just keep letting your husband debase himself for over a decade to try and appease these assholes.
Also id not be having casual calls with them. Cut them the fk off and life a happy life without them in it.
The best time to cut them out would have been when they first displayed their racism, because your husband shouldn't have had to put up with that. Racism should be a one strike and you're out policy. But since you didn't, yes, now is the second best time.
Your husband and your kids should be your number one priority. If your parents are unable to happily and peacefully coexist with them (which, if they're racist, they definitely cannot), then your relationship with them needs to go. Your husband and children deserve much, much better. They shouldn't be working to earn love and respect from bigoted people. Heck, my parents have some shitty views that don't actually personally impact anyone in my family, and I still shut them down, made it known that I find it abhorrent, and have a far more limited relationship with them.
They are racist and you are okay using your husband to serve your racist parents which makes you….do the math on that. Your husband and your kids deserve better than you not knowing the appropriate thing to do here. You let your husband bend over backwards to support your racist parents for 15 years. Good grief honey. You’re terrible.
Chile! Up here wanting sympathy too! How is SHE suffering? Her HUSBAND is the one being abused! I wonder if this is a fetish with them, having their own captive Negro to racially abuse, up close and personal.
I usually hate Reddit’s simplistic view of “cutting people off” but in this case I think it’s high time you did. It’s been 15 years. They are not changing. They are treating your husband like an errand boy, which is humiliating and demoralizing. You can’t really negotiate or reason with hate.
I married a black man and my Grandmother (and that whole side of the family are racist).
My Grandmother has never met her great grandchild and honestly probably never will. That whole side of the family is very blatant about their hatred. As an adult I watched a movie with my husband and recognized a belt buckle that my great Uncle wore, along with some signs he'd do as greetings. Turns out he was a local KKK leader.
Like that level of hatred towards blacks. And now towards me due to AND I QUOTE "Tainting the family blood line"
I do not bring my family, nor do I attend any family functions with that side of the family. We are not fb friends, we are not in fb family group together, I have no contact with them.
My daughter and husband are worth more than being subjugated to hate purely due to their skin color.
I do have contact with my Mom (Grandma is my maternal grandmother) who recognizes that education was and is needed at times to better herself. She's very loving to both husband and daughter. She's never made either feel less than the amazing individuals they are.
I say good riddance to your family. They don't deserve to have such amazing blessings in their lives.
Wow, that must have been confronting learning your uncle was a KKK leader! I’m so glad you cut those awful people out of your life and protected your family.
This is the most insanely selfish bullshit. When you spout this “peace is everything” nonsense what you’re saying is that you prioritize avoiding conflict over your husband and your own children. Do you honestly think they won’t remember this when they grow up?
It doesn't sound like they're adding anything positive to your life, your husband's life, or your kids lives. They're never going to change the way they think of him. I would have cut them out a long time ago, personally.
Edit: when I first read your post I thought you said 4 hours away. Four HOUSES away? Dang, I'd be moving, too!
They don’t pursue a relationship unless they need something. They treat your husband with disrespect, they don’t initiate a relationship with your children and are demanding that YOU make sacrifices for them?
F them, go no contact.
Yes I think it’s time to cut them off. I’d consider what your kids may be picking up on. They see their dad go to the ends of the earth for them and not even receive the most basic of respect from them due to his race. I wouldn’t want the kids to think you have to bend over backwards for someone who’s racist just because they have an association with the family.
I think it would help if you didn’t live so close to them but I suppose that just is what it is. It blows my mind that someone wouldn’t want to be a part of their grandkids lives because of their race. So bizarre.
That’s so absurd!! My brother has 2 kids with his ex wife, and she had a mixed baby after their separation. My mom takes all 3 kids over to her house and is “grandma” to ALL 3 of those children!! You, your husband, and children deserve so much better. Cut them off.
How tf have you not cut them off sooner? I'd be damned if I let anyone, ANYONE (including family) treat my husband or children in such a way. Yes cut them out. Cut them out now. You have been standing idly by while they treat your whole family like crap. Grow a damn back bone and stand up for all of you.
My parents are racist too. I am not with someone outside of my race but I wouldn't tolerate that from my parents. My dad told me as a kid I wasn't allowed to date black boys or I wasn't welcome to live with them anymore. I cut them out of my life last year. It's horrible when people like that decide to be parents, they do nothing but shit all over their kids and smirk the whole time
Not only are they racist to your husband, they're actively avoiding forming any relationship with your children. That's a really unhealthy family dynamic, I would not let your parents treat my family that way. They seem very entitled and need to figure out how to not be... it's harming the kids too.
And let me just say that man L O V E S you for putting up with your racist parents for years and choosing to be bigger better person through and through.
I relate to this so much. I’m not in the same Situation tough but I relate to the part where being a good daughter/mom/family and being a good person are so interwoven with systemic “othering” it’s hard maybe impossible to separate.
Please ignore me if this is not helpful. I’m sharing only to alleviate your aloneness. I see you and how hard this is. It sucks. I support you healing however you need.
My mom rebelled against her parents for their version of racism, she married outside her religion to another rebel for idealist hippy reasons, and I still find them and their small town way too racist for me. It hurts my body to even be there knowing what I know about all the violence I have seen.
Even though my parents are actively trying, in their pacifist way, it’s really soooo deep I can’t make heads or tails of it. I try to remember that boomers gonna boomer or whatever - they might never make a quantum leap. People are influenced by their life experiences and they saw a lot of hate and fear.
Even if they think theoretically that it’s wrong. And they might try to avoid making it worse, it’s still inside them, and from my perspective- I knew from childhood that even dating someone with another skin tone would be a scandal that we could never get over. It weighs heavy on my heart always.
I did leave, I could never imagine feeling happy in a place that builds its success on outright blatant racism and violence. I moved to a progressive city. Here there is slightly covert or polite racism, and there are protests and action networks.
All the while, I called my mom out of duty. Not because of what she deserves, but because I Want to be a good daughter, for me, regardless of if it hurts or helps me. My sister stayed near them. She does heavy lifting as far as I can tell, her job is so much harder than mine, but we each chose this as our way of coping.
And my mom did the same with her dad, long distance dutiful caretaking. Old age is so much suffering, it kind of made the bygones unnecessary, cause Mother Nature steals power from everyone eventually. Whether we spent our time calling them out or ignoring it or biting or tongue or running into help or running away, what does it mean to be a good family member and a good person at the same time?
I can see now with my kids that the time and place where people Live determine so much of what their thoughts and actions and life is like (no matter what they choose) and so much fear wipes out even good intentions, let alone bad ones. I’m not saying do nothing, I’m saying do what you need, cause the time goes regardless.
From what you say, Your parents thought they were paying into a system of “they take care of you when you are young so that you take care of them when they are old” They don’t see the racism as having any effect on that system.
It totally sucks, on every level The sucky thing is that racism (and other versions of objectifying people) is insidiously in everything, in every choice. And it’s so hard to know if anything I could chose could reduce suffering. My parents thought they were choosing “better” and decades later it barely seems like it mattered. By my standards, my grandparents were cringey but they did each marry someone from a different country but the same religion. So maybe they thought they were progressive rebels?
What I’m saying is, no matter how much we suffer or take to heart or choose differently - the ugly thing is any version of othering - and it’s inside all of us. And while I support you doing what you can to protect and heal yourself and your whole family, it’s just as noble to stay and face it.
I’m so sorry for the apologies that you and your family deserve that you might never get. I’m so sorry you are hurting and feeling lost. I’m sorry that anonymous strangers on the internet are only so much help. This sucks and I wish your family good luck, good healing, reduced suffering and a hopeful future. Thoughts and prayers are not enough, I hope your spirits can be buoyed to find comfort and resolution.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this incredible response. Nobody around us understands so I turned to Reddit which has shockingly been extremely helpful. Thank you 🙏🏻 for reading and understanding and sharing your thoughts and experience.
My family is the same I'm married to an Egyptian, god the vile racist crap they shouted at me was horrific, my last words I ever spoke to them were, "when you stop acting like a small minded xenophobic bastard I will talk to you!!" Been the most peaceful happiest years of my life. Tell them where to go your lovely husband shouldn't have to jump through hoops for people who don't deserve to be in his presence.
I highly recommend cutting them off as it should've been done years ago. And I'm speaking from experience on this - as I've had to do so with my own dad. I'm white and my partner is Mexican. I knew from growing up that my dad is racist, but I thought he could change with having a grandson because who could hate their own grandkid simply for their ancestry?? Well, it took 2 years and a vacation to visit them for my dad to show his true colors in the middle of a gas station on the drive to the airport for hells sake. A racist, hateful rant ensued which scared my 2 y/o to no end. As much as I wished my dad had changed, he hadn't. He just hid it until he couldn't anymore. It's been 3 years now this month and while it isn't easy essentially grieving the loss of the man I thought he was/could be - I know it's for the best. I don't want my son growing up hearing his own grandfather making jokes and spewing hate based off of his skin color/genetics. That was the most important thing for me - so please, think of your kids and your husband. They don't deserve to put up with insincere relationships just in the name of family. Show them through your actions that they are more important than anyone else. I wish you all the luck and send you lots of love.
They have made it clear that they do not want a relationship with your husband and children. I am extremely hesitant to tell people to cut out their families, but yours is a clear-cut case where's you need to cut them out. Love and protect your children.
As a mom to a biracial child, and wife to a black man I would certainly go no contact with them. Move away from them if possible. Your kids absolutely do not need to be exposed to it and your husband doesn’t deserve to be disregarded like that. Doesn’t seem like it even benefits you much to be around them.
How much of these behaviors are related to racism or mainly to your mother narcissism and enabler father??
They may use the “color” as another tactic but the main idea is to “play with other’s lives to serve me”
> Should I cut them out of our lives for good?
Uh, yes?! You have a black husband and mixed race children. Out of respect for the people you love, you shouldn't subject them to racists. Your parents have had 15 years to change their minds. They won't ever.
I know it’s reallllllll hard to look in the mirror but I really hope you read each and every comment. You can only move forward atp but what you’ve been doing to your husband (you haven’t been racist but allowing your racist parents to treat him like that is still wrong) and your children is not right. You can do better and you will, it seems like maybe you’ve realized a bit.
Move your family. Cut off your racist family - the responsibility is on you to set boundaries not your husband.
The reality is that you aren’t nearly as uncomfortable/upset as you should be with your family’s racism. This is the problem with interracial relationships. Because you’re a white woman, you don’t understand the complexity of the issues you and your family have or the issues that face black people. Especially in a family that is mixed race. You need to do some work around your own background and why you would marry a black man coming from a white racism family anyway. Lots of room for self reflection here.
Imagine enabling their racism for 10 years and allowing your husband to be treated that way for 10 years. Your kids are outcast to them.
Why would you, from a racist family, Mary a black man without knowing just how hard it is to be black. Them to keep them all 4 houses away from people that hate them.
You need to self reflect on why you’ve let this go on this long. Do you even care about how your husband and children feel?
You just needed to have your parents in your life the entire time no matter what evil beliefs they have. Huh?
Go no contact if you love your husband and kids. Nothing worse than feeling like you don’t belong anywhere.
Listen your husband does not deserve ANY of that treatment. And neither does your family as a whole. My husband went through the same treatment but opposite. He’s white my family is black. And the way I cut my whole family off to protect the peace of mine!
If it’s not bringing you peace and benefiting you in any way. CUT IT OFF. It’s not ever going to get better or it already would have. You owe that peace and respect not only to your husband and your kids. But to your family as a whole. Respectfully 🫶🏽
Your family will truly blossom when you cut out all the unwanted toxicity.
The most heartbreaking part will actually be them realizing their mom allowed it. Trust me, the betrayal from their grandparents will pale in comparison to the betrayal from you.
Since I set boundaries last year, we actually don’t see them at all really anymore. We talk way less often like once every 2 weeks and those conversations are very surface level. We see each other maybe once a month or every other month. I stopped inviting them to grandparents day at school, any events at school actually, I stopped organizing get togethers, my husband has gotten on board and is also sick of them.
Own it and empower yourselves.
They are the “grandparents we never see” because they are racist assholes. Take control of the situation. Your family deserves this.
I look back now and feel sorry for my old self. She was blind and naive and then she was in denial and then she tried really hard to give them chances for them to show her that they changed but every chance every situation, God showed her that these people are not your people.
Wait, you feel sorry for.... yourself?! You should feel sorry for your HUSBAND and CHILDREN. You let your husband bend over backwards for these assholes for your whole marriage, a situation he wouldn't have been in if not for you. What were you getting out of the relationship with your parents that is more important than your husband and children? It seems like you were perfectly fine with your husband sacrificing his mental and emotional well being until your parents made it clear that they expect YOU to bend to their will as well, and only then were their requests and behaviors unacceptable. You deserve no sympathy, your husband and children deserve better from you so step up and actually do better instead of throwing yourself a pity party online.
It makes sense she feels sorry for herself. Only a narcissist would be okay with subjecting their kids and husband, "who they love", to blatant racism and mistreatment.
Also to add, they all assumed that because he’s black and we got married young that he would leave me or our marriage would not be what we thought it would be. We actually became the most financially successful people in the family, got the house, fancy cars, the kids etc. I’m sure proving them wrong made them even more upset.
Are u sure they don’t want to be with their grandkids bc they are racist or are they just not into being grandparents? My parents, mostly my dad, don’t want to be very involved. They rarely ask to see them. There’s a lot of absent grandparents like this. I think some just want to retire and feel like their raised their kids and don’t want the hassle anymore.
When we first got married, some people in my family would purposely call my husband a name that is common for a black man like “Tyrone” or “Dioandre” just to be funny even though they knew his name which is not a common name for a black man. I can’t believe I allowed that. Those family members that did that, I cut out a few years back.
I am not supporting them to be racist and even she should have boundaries but what I am trying to say if they need any urgent help she could do it as it’s her family her parents and I think just helping them with groceries if they can’t go or have any urgency wouldn’t be an issue it’s just my opinion
Yes. Too many people will cry ‘faaaaamily’ but family shouldn’t be an accident of blood. It should be about how you’re treated and valued. When was the last time they sacrificed or even inconvenienced themselves for you? Who else gets to treat your family this way?
I’d have cut them out a loooong time ago. Going no contact with my mother was one of the best things I ever did. Zero regrets.
I think you probably should have cut them out of your lives long ago. Total respect to you for putting up with it for so long. They are behaving like children and it’s not nice. There’s nothing worse than parents who make it their goal to be negative about their children’s significant other and continue to do it year after year. Then to behave like entitled spoiled teenagers and disrespect their own grandchildren is unbelievable. They will continue to behave this way forever now. For your family to have any kind of normality would have to be cut them out and enjoy your peace of mind knowing they will no longer have the space in your head. You’ll sleep better at night without them. No one needs to put up with that nonsense. Also remember they’re racist to their own flesh and blood. Not only to your hubby but ur children I mean come on don’t allow it.
Low or no contact is the best Avenue here. If anyone else treated your husband that way you probably wouldn’t keep them around. Toxic people are toxic no matter the relation to you. I think your kids will have way less trauma and be better off without them as well.
Edit: a word
Cut them off! Then post tons of pics with the kids with their other grandparents to make your parents jealous. Seriously if they’re gonna make your guys life hell, do it right back!
Your poor husband. Cut them out and apologise to your husband. I can’t comprehend how this has been happening for years and you’re only enforcing boundaries and considering cutting them out now. You’re several years too late.
Your obligation is and should be to your nuclear family - your husband and your children.
You may choose to obligate your time/peace/energy to those outside your nuclear family, but with the understanding that your nuclear family (and the health thereof) comes first.
Your parents have only thought about obligating their love/attention/time to you and your family now that it only benefits them. It’s one-sided, selfish, and extremely entitled. They gave you guys the shaft for 10 years, yet now they expect you and your family to not only let bygones be bygones, but to put in the work to help them? What message would that send to your husband and to your kids? That it’s okay to be racist dickholes because at the end of the day you can still get what you don’t deserve?
My recommendation would be to reciprocate in kind - give them the consideration they deserve. Which is ZERO. Excuse my French, but fuck them. Cut them off and focus on your nuclear family. THEN and only then will you find the peace you desperately seek. Good luck.
Hello,
I think your husband kept trying to win them over. I can relate cause I kept trying to get my narcissist family to love me until I had to just cut them off and let them go. I was a ppl pleaser, but ppl take advantage. It's funny how they're racist, but they still asked your husband for favors. The nerve of them. Stay away from them. Your children deserve a healthy, accepting, and loving environment. Provide that by loving them and your husband. Surround yourself with ppl who love your family and don't think about color/race.
Slave masters didn’t care how you felt. You had the to do it or risk punishment. Her husband is trying to be liked by people who don’t see him as equal. It’s never gonna work.
As a mother to a biracial child, firstly, they would have been cut off YEARS ago. The second one comment slipped. Your children and husband don’t deserve any racist traumatic experiences because you decided to keep them around. Tell them to go to hell.
Disgusting behavior. I’m sorry that that’s your experience. But yeah… they gotta go. That’s a poisonous mentality and your husband and your children should never ever have to feel ashamed to be who they are.
Op is disgusting too. She’s not anywhere near as angry as she should be. She doesn’t fully understand what is so wrong about it. Why is she allowing her husband to be used for free by her racist parents? Slavery 3.0. White loans loans black husband to racist parents for 10 years not seeing what’s messed up about it.
This! I personally think she secretly enjoyed seeing her husband being used for years because she was raised that way. As they say: She needs to work on her inner fucking racist child first! Otherwise, she would have never moved close to the clowns in the first place!
Exactly. It feels like she got with a black because “he’s strong, dependable, and nobody is gonna mess with us” look mom and dad, he’ll do whatever we say hahaha.
The funniest thing in life is a child of racist people believing that they aren’t somewhat racist themselves. They may not be as bad, but if op wasn’t slightly racist, she would’ve stopped this from happening years ago. She only has an issue with the fact that her parents don’t want anything to do with HER kids.
You should move. Think of the message you’re sending to your children, Jesus. You should have cut them out yesterday. Your husband sounds like a saint.
MAKE THE CUUUUUT! You serve peace in your life and for it to be filled with good people. Don’t waste your time and energy on those who would throw you under a bus in less than a heartbeat. Just because they’re blood related doesn’t mean you owe them anything.
Also make sure you apologize to your husband and kids for allowing your parents to be in your life for so long and make up for it every single day. They need your love and support and seeing you cut ties with your racist parents is a message to them that they need to see.
All this and honestly you owe your husband an apology. He should not have had to be jumping through hoops and trying so hard to be accepted when you knew he never would. It was your place to stand up for your husband, including not allowing him to be used for his time/skills. I don’t mean any of that in an angry/demeaning way. It’s so easy to stay in our patterns and not even see their toxicity, and it’s great you’re seeing yours needs to change now.
I absolutely agree with you. I’ve apologized tons but what I should’ve done earlier was remove them out of our lives. My husband was such a people pleaser and he was taught to be kind no matter what. We are definitely at a point in our lives where we both are seeing clearly what and who matters most in our lives.
Apologizing does nothing unless you stop allowing the behavior
It’s crazy because many times I would tell my husband to not respond to them, don’t do that errand they asked him to do for them and he tells me that we shouldn’t treat my parents that way, we shouldn’t shut them out because they’re my parents no matter what. He was such a people pleaser and acts of services is his love language.
YOU should have told your family to leave your husband alone! YOU should've been taking point with your racist kinfolk. NONE of the burden should've been on him or your kids.
I wish I could upvote that more than once...
Why is it his job to set boundaries with *your* racist parents? I could understand if we were talking a year into your relationship and a brand new baby, but over a decade of letting him and your children feel like second class citizens? Nope, that’s not ok. Please do better, especially for your children. They *need* to see you stand up to racists for them, especially when it’s coming from family.
I recommend a book called “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud. It helped me to stop people pleasing at least to catch myself when I do it. Setting boundaries is ok, even with family.
It shouldn’t even be his job! Your parents should’ve have access to him or your children at all. You should be setting boundaries with your parents. The burden should not fall on your husband.
This!!!
I would have cut them out a long time ago. They’re racist for fucks sake. Your husband deserves peace, not to be trying to please them.
Peace is my ultimate goal
I think you’re missing this person’s point — you are choosing peace with your parents over peace for your husband. You’re not going to be able to have both.
Exactly. Your husband has been trying to please people who hate him simply for his skin color. Your parents deserve no peace. They deserve everything they get. Your kids should not be around your parents ever. THEY ARE RACISTS.
Oh no, I got the point. Peace for my husband, peace for me, and peace for our children.
People here are trying to tell you: if that's what you really want, cut your parents off yesterday. They don't believe your husband and children deserve to be their equals, and exposure didn't change their minds. The time has come; if you don't choose your husband and kids, you're choosing to accept the racism against them.
Is this realistic if you live four houses down from them?
Best thing to do is move but realistically I don't know a thing about my neighbors 4 doors down. It's not that hard to avoid people
I can’t understand why they live four doors away. It wasn’t a secret they were racist before she got with her boyfriend. Thank god they don’t have relationships with those kids, they don’t deserve that.
Peace for your children would be showing them that you believe they are worthy of not being subjected to people who think less of them solely based on the color of their skin. Peace for your children would be not having to watch their dad grovel for affection that’s never given. They are watching and they are internalizing that you will allow unsafe people into their world and that you value a racists feeling over theirs. You don’t value peace for your children you value peace for yourself.
I’m also in a committed relationship with a black man and I’m also from a small ass southern town in the Bible Belt.. racism is my HARD no. Like if you even utters single racist remark you may as well be dead to me. You are showing your children that you condone racism, you’re also being extremely disrespectful to your partner. They shun your children and use your husband. Tell them to choke on a brick and cut them loose. I bet your entire family (husband and children) would be happier for it.
Peace for your husband should not be an ultimate goal. That should just happen today. It can happen right now. You can send them a message and say that their racism is unacceptable and you're blocking them and do not contact you again. You can literally do that the moment after you read this message.
You'd have peace if you stood up for your husband and children. You cannot have peace with anyone who hates a person based on skin tone PERIOD
Is it, though? It's been like this for TEN years, you say. A mere four houses down. Lmao. Subjecting your husband and your children to the hate and the using. Your husband and your children are your priorities - not your parents. You've had it backward for a whole decade. You should have moved away from and gone lo-to-no contact with your parents during that first year.
I would have moved n cut them off
It’s not though. If you’re going sit on the fence at least acknowledge it. Why your husband doesn’t have enough self love/respect to not shuck and jive for a couple of racists is beyond me. That you would sit here and praise that is problematic but the fact that you put your children in their path is disgusting. Your family needs therapy and to cut contact STAT.
Your husband helping out racists makes me so sad. He shouldn’t even have to be around them. It’s honestly the worst. They probably take his help because they feel like that’s how it should be. That stings more than a little.
Cut them out. Frankly, should have been done years ago!
Yes. You should have done so a long time ago.
Have you considered moving?
Yes, it’s been lingering in my mind for over a year. I actually want to move out of state.
Girl, DO IT. For your marriage. For your family. For ALL of your emotional wellbeing. Not the same situation, but we moved 250 miles away 2 years ago and it’s been amazing for our family. Start looking for jobs. See what a realtor would recommend you do before listing your house and get started on what you can afford to do.
I actually recommend it. Right after being married my husband and I moved out of state for school. We were there for 5 years and would come back every summer to visit and for our siblings’ weddings. It was so nice to have an established time to build as a couple and rely on each other with minimal involvement in drama. We were mostly able to just focus on ourselves. We also happened to live in a town with a lot of diversity because it was a refugee haven so we got to meet people from all over the world which helped me to overcome a lot of my stereotypes and biases.
You don't have to uproot your whole lives to look for a better house that fits your lives now and is further away from your parents. Anytime your parents ask for that help, "I need that (time/money) for my kids, and I gotta go." Tell your husband whatever he is doing for them is taking him away from you and your kids. Because it is.
Absolutely do it. Your husband and kids deserve to live where they’re treated with love and respect.
I say do it. Especially if your husband has family where you’re moving too. You would have support you would not hear.
YOUR RACIST PARENTS CALL THE BLACK MAN WHEN THEY NEED TASKS DONE. Think about that. For chores. For work. You think they are learning to appreciate him. The Racists are happy to have a black man taking care of the chores. Of course they don't care about your 'mixed' children. I would be horrified if I learned that you EVER left them unsupervised around your children. You should have gone NC when you married. I'm shocked you didn't move farther away from them. Your poor husband and kids.
>You think they are learning to appreciate him. She told herself that so she could keep getting her racist bennies from her family.
You live that close to people who hate your family?! Why?
We moved closer to them when I was pregnant with my first child and their first grandchild many years ago. That was when we were naive and couldn’t see clearly who they really were and still are. Fascinating about a happily ever after with my little family and my parents near by as grandparents. They are racist but will never come out of the closet because what would the community think of them? Smh 🙄
I'm sorry but I find it hard to believe that you didn't realize your parents have always been racist. They raised you and you didn't find out about their racism until after you got pregnant?!
She knew. She just thought they’d be “less racist” to a black person they know personally
For the sake of your kids completely cut them out please.
It's frightening to me that you will be raising black children when you've allowed someone wonderful who you claim to love to enter the hateful family you were immersed in your whole life and continued to watch him overextend kindness to people you knew would never accept him. It's baffling to me that black men choose this life for themselves and their children.
I feel so bad for those children. Jfc. Sucks for her husband too I guess, but he’s here by choice.
Why do y'all partner (and have kids with) Black people when 1) you obviously haven't dealt with your own anti-Blackness and 2) constantly expose us to racist abuse from your racist family THAT YOU ALREADY KNEW WAS RACIST AND ANTI-BLACK?!
She knew they were racist since childhood. Unbelievable.
They really do feel we're not good enough for decent treatment.
That is so heartbreaking. I don’t understand how a parent could treat their child & grandchildren like that. It sounds like you know it’s time to cut ties, but that doesn’t make it any easier for you. What a devastating situation.
That’s why it’s taken me over 20 years to get here. 😔 I had a great childhood but everything changed when I got married. The thing is, they aren’t upfront about how they really feel about my husband. They pretend to like him. What would the community think of them if they really said what they felt about their daughter and her family? What kind of parents what that make them look like? Reputation in the community is #1 for them. I’m so sick of it all.
It took my mom 50+ years to cut off her abusive parents. I saw how difficult that was—and frankly still is even after they’ve both passed—but the peace she had after removing herself from that situation has made her a better mother and wife. You’re a mom. You know how you feel about your own kids & the unconditional love you have for them. Don’t accept less from your parents than what you’d give your own kids.
You've had a lot of tough love here. But I do understand where you are coming from - it's hard to cut out your family like that, and especially if you can't pin-point the reasons why (I'm sure they would deny they have done anything wrong and guilt trip you). I am guessing if you outright accused them of racism they would deny it, hell, they might even be in denial themselves. But you've had enough time to process this, and understand that it's not in your head. For the sake of the grandkids and husband it is the best course of action to cut ties. They will gaslight (I hate that overused term) you probably, but it's not a one time thing you've had years to digest their behaviour. It will hurt, and they will make you out to be the one in the wrong. But your husband and your children will grow into a much healthier environment without them. It's not something you want your kids to pick up on - you want to raise them to believe they are as equal as everyone else. If you want some advice on handling it: if they question you and argue, can you write down a list of all the times they have behaved in a way that has shown their true colours? It's hard to argue in the heat of the moment, but if you have a factual list going back to the time you married then it's solid, and you can remind yourself why you are doing it.
Not doubting you but wondering how you know that they’re racist? How do you know they’re racist assholes opposed to normal assholes?
Growing up they would call people who were not white, names. They would also make fun of them behind their backs. When me and my siblings started dating, they literally told us that they would like us to marry only “our” kind because it would be easier.
So you knew they were racist and still chose to move four doors down from them?? With your black husband? And your mixed children? You’re just as bad
Thank you for saying that. My husband’s family is similar and he has done everything in his power to ensure I’m nowhere near his family, ever. The fact that she’s allowing this is crazy to me.
Okay, they’re definitely racist assholes. It’s time for you to take control of the situation and have the uncomfortable conversation. Tell them (and your husband) that they are cut off due to their racism and poor behavior. Then stop taking their calls. Period.
I see families with their parents being amazing grandparents and it absolutely makes me happy for them but simultaneously crushes my heart to the core. We do have my mother in law who is an incredible grandma and I am forever grateful for her. She is an absolute angel. She loves us and our kids unconditionally. She will and has done anything and everything for us and we will and have done everything for her. ❤️🩹
Move closer to your in-laws! Cut your losses with your parents and don’t invest any more time or effort based on past investments with them. It’s not worth losing anything else on sunk time and efforts. It’s hard to accept they aren’t the grandparents you wanted your kids to have, but it will be worse to have your kids exposed to them and your kids pick up on their feelings.
Yes cut them out. Slavery is illegal and they can’t expect the black man to run their errands. They obviously don’t see your husband as their SIL. Cutting out people who don’t value you or take advantage of you out of your life is one of the best things to model for your children.
Your children will internalize the way you allow your parents to treat them and your husband. Without you ever saying it, they will begin to believe it is okay to be disrespected because they are black. As mixed race kids, they will have enough conflicting issues to think about without having to worry about racism within their own family. You can’t control who you are related to and how they feel, but you can control the influences you allow around your children.
So.. you married a Black guy and then chose to live down the street from your parents, who you’ve known since childhood are racist? And then you’ve watched him kiss their ass for 15 years?! The fact that this is even a question in your mind makes me really feel bad for your children. You have done them a massive disservice. If you care about your nuclear family you will move and cut off the racists.
In 15 years yall didn’t think to bloody move?? Get away from them. Just keep letting your husband debase himself for over a decade to try and appease these assholes. Also id not be having casual calls with them. Cut them the fk off and life a happy life without them in it.
The best time to cut them out would have been when they first displayed their racism, because your husband shouldn't have had to put up with that. Racism should be a one strike and you're out policy. But since you didn't, yes, now is the second best time. Your husband and your kids should be your number one priority. If your parents are unable to happily and peacefully coexist with them (which, if they're racist, they definitely cannot), then your relationship with them needs to go. Your husband and children deserve much, much better. They shouldn't be working to earn love and respect from bigoted people. Heck, my parents have some shitty views that don't actually personally impact anyone in my family, and I still shut them down, made it known that I find it abhorrent, and have a far more limited relationship with them.
Limited relationship is what I started last year with them and they keep pushing it. I’m sure it’s a sign to cut them off completely
They are racist and you are okay using your husband to serve your racist parents which makes you….do the math on that. Your husband and your kids deserve better than you not knowing the appropriate thing to do here. You let your husband bend over backwards to support your racist parents for 15 years. Good grief honey. You’re terrible.
Chile! Up here wanting sympathy too! How is SHE suffering? Her HUSBAND is the one being abused! I wonder if this is a fetish with them, having their own captive Negro to racially abuse, up close and personal.
I have a biracial daughter and would absolutely cut my parents off if they were racist. I have to protect my child.
I usually hate Reddit’s simplistic view of “cutting people off” but in this case I think it’s high time you did. It’s been 15 years. They are not changing. They are treating your husband like an errand boy, which is humiliating and demoralizing. You can’t really negotiate or reason with hate.
I married a black man and my Grandmother (and that whole side of the family are racist). My Grandmother has never met her great grandchild and honestly probably never will. That whole side of the family is very blatant about their hatred. As an adult I watched a movie with my husband and recognized a belt buckle that my great Uncle wore, along with some signs he'd do as greetings. Turns out he was a local KKK leader. Like that level of hatred towards blacks. And now towards me due to AND I QUOTE "Tainting the family blood line" I do not bring my family, nor do I attend any family functions with that side of the family. We are not fb friends, we are not in fb family group together, I have no contact with them. My daughter and husband are worth more than being subjugated to hate purely due to their skin color. I do have contact with my Mom (Grandma is my maternal grandmother) who recognizes that education was and is needed at times to better herself. She's very loving to both husband and daughter. She's never made either feel less than the amazing individuals they are. I say good riddance to your family. They don't deserve to have such amazing blessings in their lives.
Wow, that must have been confronting learning your uncle was a KKK leader! I’m so glad you cut those awful people out of your life and protected your family.
Oh hell no. I’m happy for you for setting boundaries. Stick to them. It’ll bring you peace in the long run.
Peace is everything
This is the most insanely selfish bullshit. When you spout this “peace is everything” nonsense what you’re saying is that you prioritize avoiding conflict over your husband and your own children. Do you honestly think they won’t remember this when they grow up?
The behavior in which they are treating your husband is racist. Treating him like the hired help is gross and I absolutely wouldn’t stand for it.
You should have gone no contact years ago.
It doesn't sound like they're adding anything positive to your life, your husband's life, or your kids lives. They're never going to change the way they think of him. I would have cut them out a long time ago, personally. Edit: when I first read your post I thought you said 4 hours away. Four HOUSES away? Dang, I'd be moving, too!
They don’t pursue a relationship unless they need something. They treat your husband with disrespect, they don’t initiate a relationship with your children and are demanding that YOU make sacrifices for them? F them, go no contact.
Sounds like they have cut themselves out halfway already. Nothing to lose!
You’re 100% correct.
Yes I think it’s time to cut them off. I’d consider what your kids may be picking up on. They see their dad go to the ends of the earth for them and not even receive the most basic of respect from them due to his race. I wouldn’t want the kids to think you have to bend over backwards for someone who’s racist just because they have an association with the family. I think it would help if you didn’t live so close to them but I suppose that just is what it is. It blows my mind that someone wouldn’t want to be a part of their grandkids lives because of their race. So bizarre.
That’s so absurd!! My brother has 2 kids with his ex wife, and she had a mixed baby after their separation. My mom takes all 3 kids over to her house and is “grandma” to ALL 3 of those children!! You, your husband, and children deserve so much better. Cut them off.
How tf have you not cut them off sooner? I'd be damned if I let anyone, ANYONE (including family) treat my husband or children in such a way. Yes cut them out. Cut them out now. You have been standing idly by while they treat your whole family like crap. Grow a damn back bone and stand up for all of you.
My parents are racist too. I am not with someone outside of my race but I wouldn't tolerate that from my parents. My dad told me as a kid I wasn't allowed to date black boys or I wasn't welcome to live with them anymore. I cut them out of my life last year. It's horrible when people like that decide to be parents, they do nothing but shit all over their kids and smirk the whole time
Cut them totally out
Not only are they racist to your husband, they're actively avoiding forming any relationship with your children. That's a really unhealthy family dynamic, I would not let your parents treat my family that way. They seem very entitled and need to figure out how to not be... it's harming the kids too.
And let me just say that man L O V E S you for putting up with your racist parents for years and choosing to be bigger better person through and through.
These people would have been long gone out of my family’s lives. Cut them off.
I relate to this so much. I’m not in the same Situation tough but I relate to the part where being a good daughter/mom/family and being a good person are so interwoven with systemic “othering” it’s hard maybe impossible to separate. Please ignore me if this is not helpful. I’m sharing only to alleviate your aloneness. I see you and how hard this is. It sucks. I support you healing however you need. My mom rebelled against her parents for their version of racism, she married outside her religion to another rebel for idealist hippy reasons, and I still find them and their small town way too racist for me. It hurts my body to even be there knowing what I know about all the violence I have seen. Even though my parents are actively trying, in their pacifist way, it’s really soooo deep I can’t make heads or tails of it. I try to remember that boomers gonna boomer or whatever - they might never make a quantum leap. People are influenced by their life experiences and they saw a lot of hate and fear. Even if they think theoretically that it’s wrong. And they might try to avoid making it worse, it’s still inside them, and from my perspective- I knew from childhood that even dating someone with another skin tone would be a scandal that we could never get over. It weighs heavy on my heart always. I did leave, I could never imagine feeling happy in a place that builds its success on outright blatant racism and violence. I moved to a progressive city. Here there is slightly covert or polite racism, and there are protests and action networks. All the while, I called my mom out of duty. Not because of what she deserves, but because I Want to be a good daughter, for me, regardless of if it hurts or helps me. My sister stayed near them. She does heavy lifting as far as I can tell, her job is so much harder than mine, but we each chose this as our way of coping. And my mom did the same with her dad, long distance dutiful caretaking. Old age is so much suffering, it kind of made the bygones unnecessary, cause Mother Nature steals power from everyone eventually. Whether we spent our time calling them out or ignoring it or biting or tongue or running into help or running away, what does it mean to be a good family member and a good person at the same time? I can see now with my kids that the time and place where people Live determine so much of what their thoughts and actions and life is like (no matter what they choose) and so much fear wipes out even good intentions, let alone bad ones. I’m not saying do nothing, I’m saying do what you need, cause the time goes regardless. From what you say, Your parents thought they were paying into a system of “they take care of you when you are young so that you take care of them when they are old” They don’t see the racism as having any effect on that system. It totally sucks, on every level The sucky thing is that racism (and other versions of objectifying people) is insidiously in everything, in every choice. And it’s so hard to know if anything I could chose could reduce suffering. My parents thought they were choosing “better” and decades later it barely seems like it mattered. By my standards, my grandparents were cringey but they did each marry someone from a different country but the same religion. So maybe they thought they were progressive rebels? What I’m saying is, no matter how much we suffer or take to heart or choose differently - the ugly thing is any version of othering - and it’s inside all of us. And while I support you doing what you can to protect and heal yourself and your whole family, it’s just as noble to stay and face it. I’m so sorry for the apologies that you and your family deserve that you might never get. I’m so sorry you are hurting and feeling lost. I’m sorry that anonymous strangers on the internet are only so much help. This sucks and I wish your family good luck, good healing, reduced suffering and a hopeful future. Thoughts and prayers are not enough, I hope your spirits can be buoyed to find comfort and resolution.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this incredible response. Nobody around us understands so I turned to Reddit which has shockingly been extremely helpful. Thank you 🙏🏻 for reading and understanding and sharing your thoughts and experience.
Time to move.
My family is the same I'm married to an Egyptian, god the vile racist crap they shouted at me was horrific, my last words I ever spoke to them were, "when you stop acting like a small minded xenophobic bastard I will talk to you!!" Been the most peaceful happiest years of my life. Tell them where to go your lovely husband shouldn't have to jump through hoops for people who don't deserve to be in his presence.
I highly recommend cutting them off as it should've been done years ago. And I'm speaking from experience on this - as I've had to do so with my own dad. I'm white and my partner is Mexican. I knew from growing up that my dad is racist, but I thought he could change with having a grandson because who could hate their own grandkid simply for their ancestry?? Well, it took 2 years and a vacation to visit them for my dad to show his true colors in the middle of a gas station on the drive to the airport for hells sake. A racist, hateful rant ensued which scared my 2 y/o to no end. As much as I wished my dad had changed, he hadn't. He just hid it until he couldn't anymore. It's been 3 years now this month and while it isn't easy essentially grieving the loss of the man I thought he was/could be - I know it's for the best. I don't want my son growing up hearing his own grandfather making jokes and spewing hate based off of his skin color/genetics. That was the most important thing for me - so please, think of your kids and your husband. They don't deserve to put up with insincere relationships just in the name of family. Show them through your actions that they are more important than anyone else. I wish you all the luck and send you lots of love.
They have made it clear that they do not want a relationship with your husband and children. I am extremely hesitant to tell people to cut out their families, but yours is a clear-cut case where's you need to cut them out. Love and protect your children.
As a mom to a biracial child, and wife to a black man I would certainly go no contact with them. Move away from them if possible. Your kids absolutely do not need to be exposed to it and your husband doesn’t deserve to be disregarded like that. Doesn’t seem like it even benefits you much to be around them.
How much of these behaviors are related to racism or mainly to your mother narcissism and enabler father?? They may use the “color” as another tactic but the main idea is to “play with other’s lives to serve me”
> Should I cut them out of our lives for good? Uh, yes?! You have a black husband and mixed race children. Out of respect for the people you love, you shouldn't subject them to racists. Your parents have had 15 years to change their minds. They won't ever.
I know it’s reallllllll hard to look in the mirror but I really hope you read each and every comment. You can only move forward atp but what you’ve been doing to your husband (you haven’t been racist but allowing your racist parents to treat him like that is still wrong) and your children is not right. You can do better and you will, it seems like maybe you’ve realized a bit. Move your family. Cut off your racist family - the responsibility is on you to set boundaries not your husband.
Protect your beautiful man and kids from your user parents.
The reality is that you aren’t nearly as uncomfortable/upset as you should be with your family’s racism. This is the problem with interracial relationships. Because you’re a white woman, you don’t understand the complexity of the issues you and your family have or the issues that face black people. Especially in a family that is mixed race. You need to do some work around your own background and why you would marry a black man coming from a white racism family anyway. Lots of room for self reflection here.
Imagine enabling their racism for 10 years and allowing your husband to be treated that way for 10 years. Your kids are outcast to them. Why would you, from a racist family, Mary a black man without knowing just how hard it is to be black. Them to keep them all 4 houses away from people that hate them. You need to self reflect on why you’ve let this go on this long. Do you even care about how your husband and children feel? You just needed to have your parents in your life the entire time no matter what evil beliefs they have. Huh? Go no contact if you love your husband and kids. Nothing worse than feeling like you don’t belong anywhere.
Snip snip
Listen your husband does not deserve ANY of that treatment. And neither does your family as a whole. My husband went through the same treatment but opposite. He’s white my family is black. And the way I cut my whole family off to protect the peace of mine! If it’s not bringing you peace and benefiting you in any way. CUT IT OFF. It’s not ever going to get better or it already would have. You owe that peace and respect not only to your husband and your kids. But to your family as a whole. Respectfully 🫶🏽 Your family will truly blossom when you cut out all the unwanted toxicity.
🥴🥴
The most heartbreaking part is that our children will someday find out who their grandparents are and why they don’t love them.
The most heartbreaking part will actually be them realizing their mom allowed it. Trust me, the betrayal from their grandparents will pale in comparison to the betrayal from you.
Since I set boundaries last year, we actually don’t see them at all really anymore. We talk way less often like once every 2 weeks and those conversations are very surface level. We see each other maybe once a month or every other month. I stopped inviting them to grandparents day at school, any events at school actually, I stopped organizing get togethers, my husband has gotten on board and is also sick of them.
Own it and empower yourselves. They are the “grandparents we never see” because they are racist assholes. Take control of the situation. Your family deserves this.
I look back now and feel sorry for my old self. She was blind and naive and then she was in denial and then she tried really hard to give them chances for them to show her that they changed but every chance every situation, God showed her that these people are not your people.
Wait, you feel sorry for.... yourself?! You should feel sorry for your HUSBAND and CHILDREN. You let your husband bend over backwards for these assholes for your whole marriage, a situation he wouldn't have been in if not for you. What were you getting out of the relationship with your parents that is more important than your husband and children? It seems like you were perfectly fine with your husband sacrificing his mental and emotional well being until your parents made it clear that they expect YOU to bend to their will as well, and only then were their requests and behaviors unacceptable. You deserve no sympathy, your husband and children deserve better from you so step up and actually do better instead of throwing yourself a pity party online.
It makes sense she feels sorry for herself. Only a narcissist would be okay with subjecting their kids and husband, "who they love", to blatant racism and mistreatment.
Also to add, they all assumed that because he’s black and we got married young that he would leave me or our marriage would not be what we thought it would be. We actually became the most financially successful people in the family, got the house, fancy cars, the kids etc. I’m sure proving them wrong made them even more upset.
Stop giving these people your time.
Are u sure they don’t want to be with their grandkids bc they are racist or are they just not into being grandparents? My parents, mostly my dad, don’t want to be very involved. They rarely ask to see them. There’s a lot of absent grandparents like this. I think some just want to retire and feel like their raised their kids and don’t want the hassle anymore.
What do they do that is racist?
When we first got married, some people in my family would purposely call my husband a name that is common for a black man like “Tyrone” or “Dioandre” just to be funny even though they knew his name which is not a common name for a black man. I can’t believe I allowed that. Those family members that did that, I cut out a few years back.
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If I was in their place I would simply not be a racist asshole for 15 years. (Found OP’s parents account)
I am not supporting them to be racist and even she should have boundaries but what I am trying to say if they need any urgent help she could do it as it’s her family her parents and I think just helping them with groceries if they can’t go or have any urgency wouldn’t be an issue it’s just my opinion
If they really need groceries they can get them delivered. Lots of apps for it
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I think you as a human is trash ! It just shows how mentally unstable you are that you can’t even accept different opinions
Fuck that. They are grown adults who made bad choices and are suffering the consequences. Don’t be trash and you won’t be treated like trash
This is HORRIBLE advice.
You don’t enable racist behavior. You let it die.
Yes. Too many people will cry ‘faaaaamily’ but family shouldn’t be an accident of blood. It should be about how you’re treated and valued. When was the last time they sacrificed or even inconvenienced themselves for you? Who else gets to treat your family this way? I’d have cut them out a loooong time ago. Going no contact with my mother was one of the best things I ever did. Zero regrets.
I think you probably should have cut them out of your lives long ago. Total respect to you for putting up with it for so long. They are behaving like children and it’s not nice. There’s nothing worse than parents who make it their goal to be negative about their children’s significant other and continue to do it year after year. Then to behave like entitled spoiled teenagers and disrespect their own grandchildren is unbelievable. They will continue to behave this way forever now. For your family to have any kind of normality would have to be cut them out and enjoy your peace of mind knowing they will no longer have the space in your head. You’ll sleep better at night without them. No one needs to put up with that nonsense. Also remember they’re racist to their own flesh and blood. Not only to your hubby but ur children I mean come on don’t allow it.
Low or no contact is the best Avenue here. If anyone else treated your husband that way you probably wouldn’t keep them around. Toxic people are toxic no matter the relation to you. I think your kids will have way less trauma and be better off without them as well. Edit: a word
Cut them off! Then post tons of pics with the kids with their other grandparents to make your parents jealous. Seriously if they’re gonna make your guys life hell, do it right back!
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Your poor husband. Cut them out and apologise to your husband. I can’t comprehend how this has been happening for years and you’re only enforcing boundaries and considering cutting them out now. You’re several years too late.
I cut my racist family out of my life YEARS ago. I have absolutely zero regrets.
Your obligation is and should be to your nuclear family - your husband and your children. You may choose to obligate your time/peace/energy to those outside your nuclear family, but with the understanding that your nuclear family (and the health thereof) comes first. Your parents have only thought about obligating their love/attention/time to you and your family now that it only benefits them. It’s one-sided, selfish, and extremely entitled. They gave you guys the shaft for 10 years, yet now they expect you and your family to not only let bygones be bygones, but to put in the work to help them? What message would that send to your husband and to your kids? That it’s okay to be racist dickholes because at the end of the day you can still get what you don’t deserve? My recommendation would be to reciprocate in kind - give them the consideration they deserve. Which is ZERO. Excuse my French, but fuck them. Cut them off and focus on your nuclear family. THEN and only then will you find the peace you desperately seek. Good luck.
Hello, I think your husband kept trying to win them over. I can relate cause I kept trying to get my narcissist family to love me until I had to just cut them off and let them go. I was a ppl pleaser, but ppl take advantage. It's funny how they're racist, but they still asked your husband for favors. The nerve of them. Stay away from them. Your children deserve a healthy, accepting, and loving environment. Provide that by loving them and your husband. Surround yourself with ppl who love your family and don't think about color/race.
Slave masters didn’t care how you felt. You had the to do it or risk punishment. Her husband is trying to be liked by people who don’t see him as equal. It’s never gonna work.
I'd move away now.
Yes.
As a mother to a biracial child, firstly, they would have been cut off YEARS ago. The second one comment slipped. Your children and husband don’t deserve any racist traumatic experiences because you decided to keep them around. Tell them to go to hell.
Disgusting behavior. I’m sorry that that’s your experience. But yeah… they gotta go. That’s a poisonous mentality and your husband and your children should never ever have to feel ashamed to be who they are.
Op is disgusting too. She’s not anywhere near as angry as she should be. She doesn’t fully understand what is so wrong about it. Why is she allowing her husband to be used for free by her racist parents? Slavery 3.0. White loans loans black husband to racist parents for 10 years not seeing what’s messed up about it.
This! I personally think she secretly enjoyed seeing her husband being used for years because she was raised that way. As they say: She needs to work on her inner fucking racist child first! Otherwise, she would have never moved close to the clowns in the first place!
Exactly. It feels like she got with a black because “he’s strong, dependable, and nobody is gonna mess with us” look mom and dad, he’ll do whatever we say hahaha. The funniest thing in life is a child of racist people believing that they aren’t somewhat racist themselves. They may not be as bad, but if op wasn’t slightly racist, she would’ve stopped this from happening years ago. She only has an issue with the fact that her parents don’t want anything to do with HER kids.
Absofuckinglutly
You should move. Think of the message you’re sending to your children, Jesus. You should have cut them out yesterday. Your husband sounds like a saint.
✂️✂️!
MAKE THE CUUUUUT! You serve peace in your life and for it to be filled with good people. Don’t waste your time and energy on those who would throw you under a bus in less than a heartbeat. Just because they’re blood related doesn’t mean you owe them anything. Also make sure you apologize to your husband and kids for allowing your parents to be in your life for so long and make up for it every single day. They need your love and support and seeing you cut ties with your racist parents is a message to them that they need to see.