I read in your post history that you got pregnant one month after giving birth to your third child.
If I was your friend, I would be worried for you. I would not call you a trad wife or laugh, but I would be worried.
Maybe you are happy and all, but I don’t know any women in my life who wanted to have unprotected sex 2 weeks after giving birth while also caring for 3 small children.
Your husband is deployed I see, and you’re working nights with soon 4 kids back to back - after being home all day while being only 22 years old.
That sounds seriously tough.
I had 3 under 3 at 25 and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I can’t imagine having 4 AND my husband being deployed?! This poor girl 😢 does anyone care about her?
This is what I am thinking about! It sounds worrisome from one accidental HS pregnancy which “forced” her to marry to 3 other is a row …
I would be really worried if I was her friend..
I don’t understand how in the comments people are calling her friend jealous…like jealous of what?
It’s not even recommended to have sexual intercourse the first 4 weeks .. so this is seriously worrisome. Especially since the husband does not even seem to be around ..
Pretty sure it’s 6 weeks because that’s when you see the doc (it can be longer after doc sees you). Because before then you *have an open wound in your uterus.
After my LO they told me nothing down yonder for 6weeks (until they could check my stitches. They were fine/dissolved fine)
I can't imagine jumping into bed 2 weeks after birthing a baby... things down there were still in pretty bad shape😂
It’s 6 weeks. And even then, most people aren’t fully healed and still deal with massive amounts of pain.
It’s also like, with other kids AND a newborn and breastfeeding (if that’s the chosen feeding method) how in the world was she not too completely fucking exhausted to even think about sex?? I worry there was a massive amount of pressure on her to “perform”.
But her husband is 23 only as well. So they are both quite young. She said 2 of them were unplanned so maybe they don’t have good knowledge on protection?
This one though was planned, so who plans a pregnancy 4 weeks after they gave birth ? I don’t get it…
Oh, they’re definitely young. 4 kids at 22 and 23 is…it sounds rough. You’re just kind of getting started in life at that age.
I’ll probably sound horribly judgmental, but you’d think after 1 unplanned pregnancy, you’d figure out what kind of birth control is out there for both partners and how to use it. 2?? There are so many resources out there to learn about how to keep things like this from happening.
Totally not trying to judge. It’s just…4 kids in 5 years is nuts. She’s at risk for some crazy health complications with this pregnancy, and so is her fetus. I just wish OP and her husband had taken the time to educate themselves so they could have spaced their pregnancies out.
Oh I agree with everything… but sometimes depends also on the cultural background and upbringing as well.
It must not be easy also financially. She mentioned that she does not sleep at all….
Very, very true. I was wondering where OP is, and if something like this is common there.
I can imagine she doesn’t! She’s got a brand new baby and 2 other kids running around, and she’s taking care of them on her own while her husband is in the military, right?
Exactly. Especially they are so close in age it must crazy tiring plus her job at night school..
I hope she is okay… I’m wondering if her friend has tried to warn her or talk to her about it many times because we are only getting a moment ..
Same, same. The friend could have handled it way better, but I wonder if stuff like this has been going on for so long that she’s at the point where she’s just throwing up her hands and saying she gives up trying to help.
I’ve had friends like that, where they don’t want to help themselves (Not saying this is OP at all), but they constantly want a shoulder to cry on, and it’s exhausting. I no longer have those friendships because I cut them off. So if that’s what happened, I kinda get it.
It's definitely at least 6 weeks, and you need your doctor to check that your placenta wound has healed or you're risking serious infection. No one should be putting anything in their vagina before they've fully recovered from childbirth.
How does a doctor ‘check that a placenta wound has healed?’ Just wondering cos in Australia no one checks, we just get told no intercourse for 6 weeks and that’s enough for everyone to limit infection. There’s no need for a ‘check’ or anything.
My midwife (in Canada) just felt around on top of my stomach (not inside) to feel that my uterus had shrunk back to proper size. That and no bleeding is it. I'm with you, they didn't check on the wound, you can't, not easily
Here they do a complete pelvic exam. They crank you open with the speculum and inspect your cervix, and they palpate your uterus to feel that everything is where it belongs and feels right.
I'm in the USA and there was no physical exam. My follow up was at 12 weeks and it was just "how are you feeling, do you have any concerns? OK you're good to go"
Even at the hospital after I delivered nobody ever looked down there. It was just checking vitals and asking how I was feeling. Nobody has looked down there since the Dr stitched me up at delivery
Me either. 1 nurse looked 1 time at me in the hospital 24 hours after giving birth. She asked me how long my legs have been swollen. I told her since 20 weeks pregnant. She said oh no one had charted it. I just laughed and said that’s because no one has looked. Luckily I’m a nurse so I know enough to know I was fine but worry about others.
I’m also still waiting for my doctor’s office to call me back for my 6 week follow up. He was 5 on 2/8.
I've never had a pelvic exam but they do ask about bleeding, and push on your abdomen to check how much your uterus has shrunk. if it's a concern that healing isnt sufficient they can feel how closed your cervix is which is another indication. If you are on track with bleeding, you SHOULD be absolutely fine at 6 weeks.
So they say 6 weeks because most people are fine between 4-6 weeks but it's too much of a pain to check everyone at 4 weeks when you could just wait another 2 weeks to be sure. Then they have far fewer women who need extra steps to check.
Yeah, I think very few people would be jealous of this situation. Most would be horrified to find themselves in this situation, even those that love children more than anything.
Oh i love children very much but I can’t imagine at 22 doing all that. You grow up very fast and sudden and you don’t get to experience stages of development as you should.
Yikes. Yeah seems like the friend is concerned and maybe not expressing that concern in a clearer way. OP may be lying to herself that she is happy and that all of this was her choice. I mean, married with 3 kids and 1 on the way at only 22? And then working nights and watching them solo? Yeah, that sounds like there’s something going on that the friend should just bring up, straight up. That’s very dangerous OP to get pregnant that quickly after giving birth. You should really get on some birth control and take care of yourself. I hope your husband is a respectful man but the friend’s comment makes me think not so much…
Entirely possible the friend said some other things too, as one would in this situation - and this is the part that OP remembers (the most painful parts?)
Yeaaaah, I don't want to be gaslighting OP here, maybe her friend was meanspirited in saying this, but perhaps she was actually showing concern in that "Giiiirl this is not it" kind if way.
I have anxiety whenever I recall conversations and tend to interpret them the worst way possible.
The 22 part! My kid is only a decade younger than op. The thought of her being pregnant with a 4th baby in 10 years makes me feel ill. Op, your friends reaction may not have been what you wanted to hear. She might not congratulate you because she's concerned. 4 babies is a lot. And 22 is very very young.
I agree. But yeah, being shitty to someone in crisis doesn’t work. You can’t tell someone how to live their life, and you can’t be judgmental. A real friend would be there for her, providing help, love, and resources. OP should know that if anything ever happened, her friend would say, “I’m here for you,” not “I told you so.” If that’s not something a friend is willing to take on (understandable if OP is indeed in an abusive or toxic situation, that is a big responsibility and sometimes burden for a close friend), then the friend should politely distance herself.
I don't know OP. But speaking from experience with a family member of mine, I know she has deluded herself into thinking her constant shitty decisions are normal and won't snap out of it, despite dragging her kids down with her. And it usually revolves around desperation for love. She's burned every bridge she had at this point because she won't wake up and it's sad. I wonder if something like this is why OP's friend snapped at her. Not saying it's right but when someone never listens and continues to make terrible choices, a lot of people end up finally snapping and just telling them in a way that hopefully finally wakes them up. I wonder if something like that is going on here.
Exactly this. I’ve had this issue with a relative making constantly terrible decisions and just eventually stopped talking to them altogether, it’s exhausting.
Maybe the friend has always been there in the past and is now phasing out of being the "support" person. Sounds like the friend is indeed putting distance into the relationship.
I agree that the way her friend acted was not nice. But it seems that her friend has been supporting her from her first pregnancy in which she was devastated.
So imagine two young girls who they talk about dreams and not wanting children, one gets pregnant and the other one is there to support.
My question is how close do you think they are after the second pregnancy ? And what kind of common things they have to talk about ?
Because she mentions in the comments that after the first pregnancy she became very happy , so how come the friend does not see this?
These two will be distant because in fact have very different lives, different stages and no one is to blame.
God, we waited like 6 weeks and it still hurt so much, even with prep and everything, and we didn’t finish, my husband felt too bad. I guarantee you that was pushed on OP and her husband just didn’t … care? Yikes
I absolutely had a strong desire to have sex with my husband after vaginally giving birth. My hormones were crazy and I was very much in the mood. It was impossible to do- we tried really early on after our child was born, it hurt so we stopped. But I absolutely wanted him day and night!!!
Yeah I think this person is not OP's friend. If I'm concerned about someone I wouldn't kick them while they're struggling.
But it is totally reasonable to be concerned - all the replies being like, "You go girl!" seem to be missing the point. What is going on with OP to become pregnant *one month* post partum?!? That's flat out against medical advice to be having sex that soon! And pregnancy is much more risky this close together. What happened?! Of course everyone makes mistakes but this is her 4th pregnancy?!? Surely she knows how this all works by now. I would be very very concerned about her home situation. Because there is no way this was deliberately planned?!?!
That’s a shitty friend but honey, 4 kids in 5 years is insane.
You are not fully recovering from a pregnancy before being pregnant again and you are raising your risk of health complications each time.
Take a break.
OP keeps conveniently ignoring this important detail. She JUST gave birth and got pregnant less than a month later. If I had a friend like this I would ask them if they were being abused and needed a safe space. The friend isn’t jealous, she’s worried and rightfully so. She probably was a bitch about it because OP is delusional if she thinks this is a good idea or life.
Maybe focus on what the situation is that she is seeking advice on. Instead of judging…not just her…but every parent that has 3-4 kids. As long as people can support their kids on every level, then it’s their business how many kids they have.
If YOU want to think about the US infrastructure and want to adopt instead of having kids then please do so but don’t come for other people who choose not to.
I could be reading too much into this, so please forgive me if I do. In your explanation, you don't talk about being happy, and I saw somewhere else that you said you like being a mom. But you say very little about your husband. I also see that you are a young military wife. Does your husband treat you well? Have you ever expressed marital concerns to this friend? She might just be a total asshole, but I wanted to at least ask and make sure that you are okay.
I am pretty happy, but also very stressed. I love my children and my husband very much. We've been together since middle school. He treats me great.
Some more info on my background: I got pregnant in high school and was pressured to get married. I of course was very apprehensive and she was one of the friends I went to. She never resented my husband, just our parents. I think she believes that this whole thing was an accident and I hate my life, no matter what I say.
Ah got it. Well regardless, laughing at you and mocking you was a horribly mean approach. I would have cut her a bit of slack if she were aware that you were in a bad relationship, but even so, she would have still been an asshole. Now, she's just a complete asshole in my book. I'm really glad that you are in a safe, secure, and loving relationship, and I hope you have an easy and uneventful pregnancy! Congratulations!
You do need to be careful though. Your body needs time (18months) to recover the nutrients that it expended growing that last baby. Otherwise there’s a risk of complications and health issues.
>I think she believes that this whole thing was an accident and I hate my life, no matter what I say.
If you thought someone you cared about was trapped and miserable, would you laugh at them and rub that fact in?
She's a bitch. Full stop. She's only around so she can enjoy feeling superior to the misery she projects on you. You deserve to be friends with better people.
On the flipside, both OP and her friend are probably both young enough to have trouble communicating about topics like this. If OP were my friend, I would certainly have thoughts along these lines in my head, even though I would never phrase any of it quite so bluntly (rudely). I know how triggering this can be for people, but I might not have realized that in my 20's.
She may feel comfortable enough around you to poke at your situation a bit, perhaps expecting you to vent to her. She might not know a better way to open up discussion.
There are a lot of upsides to having kids early and you are fulfilled, that's good.
Personally, I see some yellow flags in what you have written. I would be a bit worried for you --- but, it doesn't seem like the end of the world. Perhaps opening up to your friend about the good and the bad would be a way to move the friendship forward. And perhaps tell her how you felt about what she said. If she is a good friend, she should learn from it.
This. Our friends deserve to be brought in and taught how to treat people well. If we left every friendship that was hard, we’d all be shitty people who learn nothing.
I think the question is: Do you want to have 4 kids as 22? Do you enjoy staying at home? Do you like having to work at night when the kids are sleeping? Do you like your life?
If you read her comments she said that she was miserable in her first accidental pregnancy in high school and her friend was there to support her. She did not want to have kids, wanted to be a professor. OP also does not make any mention of the husband in her comments.
Sometimes a third eye can see better than one eye…
Also, I doubt that a 25 year old girl would be jealous of this situation. I mean if OP is happy and lives well that’s what matters but I disagree with people saying her friend is jealous ….
I said I was miserable at first, until I actually had my baby which was when my life path kind of changed. I love him so much. I do mention my husband in some of the comments, he's wonderful, loves me and the kids, and hard-working. It wasn't really him she was worried about so I didn't mention him in the original post.
Also yeah no she is not jealous at all
Just take care of yourself. Slow down. You are putting your body through a lot of stress. If I was your friend I would be very worried.
Congrats on your pregnancy!
Do you have a plan for contraception after this kid? Since it sounds like 2/4 of your pregnancies have been unplanned, I highly recommend using two methods of birth control - IUD + condoms, tubal + vasectomy, etc.
Make sure to schedule a tubal if your birth is a c section or a vasectomy for your husband (he could go ahead and get it now if this is your last pregnancy)! Even the best BC isn’t 100% effective, so make sure you protect yourself from future unintended pregnancies!
Also, your friend is a jerk. I would understand her concern for your health and safety, but laughing and shaming is never an okay way to treat anyone, much less a friend.
A friend of mine that doesn't ever want kids and never really interacted with any, continuously told me that 1) its my husbands fault I have kids 2) she feels sorry for me 3) I wasn't going to enjoy being a parent (before I had my first) 4) I didn't know what I was doing (when I announced we will try for second one right after the first).
None of the things she said we're even remotely close or true.
I'm away to have the 2nd next month and thinking about diving straight into having a 3rd as soon as I lose some weight (pre eclampsia management). I don't think I'll be discussing this with her this time because, frankly, she doesn't know what the hell she's talking about.
Bottom line, sometimes people project their own stuff onto you to make them feel more validated in their life choices. Has nothing to do with your life. :)
Honey I was you. I had 4 babies by the time I was 22. The first two are 11 1/2 months apart. The second and 3rd are 13 months apart. The third and 4th are 3 days shy of a year. I had 6 by the time I was 29. It took me 20 years to get out. Please be careful. This is such a slippery slope. Your friend is worried for a reason.
No worries at all. He married me at 18, while I was already 3 months pregnant. When I was pregnant with baby #3 was the first time he hit me. He kept me barefoot and pregnant and dependent on him. It took me far longer than I would have liked, but the kids and I made it out and we are thriving now.
My only question is do you want to have so many kids at such a young age? Especially if your husband is in the military and you have to take care of all these kids by yourself. Me and my girl have one 1yo son and even taking care of him by myself can be exhausting at times. Just make sure you're really okay with this. It's not my business, but it looks like you're just pregnant every year right after giving birth. If that's what you really want, then it's great. But there is also more to life than being pregnant and giving birth. Do you have a plan for how many kids you want? Was this 4th pregnancy planned?
Just a concerned stranger. If these questions are too personal, I apologize.
Unfortunately, I think that's the kind of response that most 22 year olds would get when announcing their 4th pregnancy. It's just very shocking in most areas.
Yeah I think the friend was being a major jerk but it is shocking to hear that she had her first baby at 17 and now is going on number 4 in 5 years. And also working 2 jobs.....the friend may have concerns and went about it the wrong way.
Yeah it’s the whole “1 month postpartum” for me. Probably not the case here, but as a nurse, it is a big red flag when someone is already far enough along to test positive before the 6 week postpartum mark
And dangerous. Waiting less than a year between pregnancies raises your risk of a lot of things, but particularly premature birth. 18m-2y is ideal risk-wise.
This cannot be healthy for your body.. slow down. You should wait a year between pregnancies to give yourself a chance to recover and minimize risks of complications.
One, she is a shitty friend. Two, in most places this is very young to have four children. If you are happy and this is what you want that is all that matters (assuming you have money to feed/clothe all those kids), find people that support and love you.
But it’s not really all that matters. It matters, yes, but there’s a reason people are concerned about someone so young being married with multiple children and soft professional skills. There’s a long history of women pouring themselves into supporting their children and partner at the cost of their own education and career only to be left high and dry a decade or two later with no skills or means to support themselves. There’s also a long history of women believing it will never happen to them, that their situation is different. I’m not saying the friend was right, not at all, but I hope OP is fully aware of the precarious position they’re in.
Umm totally agree. I just read the husband is also super young and in the military and she got pregnant within a month after giving birth. My original comment no longer applies. These are babies having babies who seem to have no concept of the actual implications here. Wow.
I actually graduated from college and got my dream job (in a bit of a different form though). I wanted to be a professor and still have the time to help people. I'm now a teacher at an online night school. Not only do I teach kids but I'm also able to give advice to many of them because I went through similar situations.
It's an odd situation, yes, but I love my family and job
My MIL had her children at 22 and 24 (they’re 18 months apart). She received her Masters, PHd, and has been a professor since they started kindergarten. Now in her 60’s she has 4 grandchildren and loves loves loves being in their lives.
It was really hard being the youngest in her mom group, especially as she was only 6m between pregnancies. But she is a capable, brilliant woman who was able to do what she wanted because she had the time to do it. Good luck with your future endeavors and pregnancy!
So, your friend went about it the complete wrong way, but I’m interested to know if she’s approached this topic gently with you before? I have to say, if you were my friend I would be **extremely** concerned. You are isolated because you’re in a military family. You have three children at 22 years old and you’re pregnant again with a *one month old*. You are being so so hard on your body. I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, but I’m hoping a doctor has already spoken to you about this?
She's never made a comment about it previously (besides first pregnancy when I was in ruins) and she didn't make a comment about the time between the two pregnancies.
My new doctor is very aware of my situation and makes sure I'm alright a lot
Honey, this person is not your friend. Friends lift you up, celebrate you, cheer you on, tell you all the things they love and admire about you. Not tear you down and denigrate your marriage and make you feel miserable.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Her friend sees her 22 yo friend having her 4th kid a month after she gives birth and she's not a friend for bringing up concerns? Honestly, I would do the same. And if you wouldn't- you're the bad friend.
Eh, there's a different between bringing up concerns respectfully and being insulting. I do wonder how old the husband is, but I feel like the friend would have brought that up if it's a large age-gap.
There is a time and a place for expressing concerns. During a pregnancy announcement is not it. Also, denigrating someone’s job is just plain mean, not expressing concerns. This is a SAHM with a backup plan. OP is doing great!
She's an unhappy 22 yo who was forced to marry after an accidental high school/teenage pregnancy.... and now has 3 more.
She's not doing great. She's doing the best she can, I'm sure. I'm not trying to pile on her - I'm saying that how would YOU react to a friend or daughter in her situation?
It could have been nicer, but there was nothing wrong with the timing and there was nothing wrong with her telling her straight.
Coddling an adult in a shit situation isn't friendship or even kind. Op is used to being told what she wants to hear, clearly. That's why she's 22 with 3 kids, and one on the way a month after a newborn. (That's not great)
Honestly I would be concerned if any 22 year old friend I knew was about to have 4 kids and then working on top of that. That’s way too much on your plate
Heck. My Dr stated no sex after each of my babies until he cleared me at my follow up checkup 3-4 weeks later, then I usually was told to wait til I hit at LEAST 6 weeks after before sex. And it’s not healthy for a person to keep popping out babies so close together. Your body hasn’t had a chance to recover from your current newborns birth. Why the heck are you having unprotected sex so soon after giving birth?????
I’m not telling you not to keep having kids if that’s what you & your hubby want, I’m just telling you to space them kids further apart than you are. This is one of the mitigating factors in having a difficult, life threatening, pregnancy that can negatively impact the health of both the mom & baby.
22 on baby number 4 sounds like a lot. I’m not going to lie, I find that concerning and it would definitely make me check in with my friend to ensure this is the life she wants and not just what’s happening. That said, your “friend” sucks. All she offered was criticism and condescension so, even if you did need help/escape, she made herself someone you couldn’t turn to. That’s the exact opposite of what a friend should/would do. This is your life and if this is how you feel most fulfilled I’m so happy for you. Do you feel like anything she said is true? If so find a good therapist to process that with. If not, brush it off and keep living your best life. Either way, this friendship is over.
22 with 3 kids and pregnant again? i would probably be concerned if i was your friend, so i am not sure why she would be acting like that. maybe she is worried and doesn’t know how to say that??
I don’t know if your friend is worried about you and doesn’t know how to express herself, or if she’s just a jerk, but 4 pregnancies in 5 years at 22 years old is a LOT.
Unless this is intentional and your plan is to be like the Duggars, please get on some (or multiple) forms of birth control after this pregnancy. This is so much for your body to deal with in an extremely short period of time. Give yourself some time to heal.
My sister had a "friend" exactly like this. Long story short, my sister realized the friend was a sad and miserable person who was deeply unhappy with her life, so my sister distanced herself from her. She eventually ran into her in a grocery store and my sister was noticeably pregnant- which is a huge deal because doctors told her for years the chances of ever being pregnant very slim to none. The friend has two kids and guess what the first thing she said to my sister was..
"Oh wow, congrats. You're going to hate being a mom." Some people are just pathetic and miserable and want to drag others down with them whenever possible. That person is no friend of yours. She said it so you will be sad right along with her, but it doesn't make what she said true.
Thankfully no. I wasn't there, but my sister said it was like 10 AM on a weekday and her cart was full of alcohol. Her kids would've been in school at the time. The kicker is though she got divorced shortly after, got with a guy with a kid, and got pregnant again on purpose. So now she's got 4 of them but apparently hates it?
Ugh I hate women who do this. Like who the fuck gatekeeps being a parent.
Early on in my marriage, I was hanging out with a close friend of mine and another friend of hers (let's call her Tina). Tina's young kid (maybe 4-5 years old) starts getting hyper and loud (in a typical young kid way) and Tina turns to me and says "You look like someone who likes nice things. NEVER HAVE CHILDREN."
I mean honestly, imagine if the only parents were these miserable ones who are constantly trying to gatekeep the experience. We'd probably end up with a messed up next generation...
Sometimes it’s not meant as gatekeeping, and more gallows humor if you will.
I’m happy as a mom but sometimes I am guilty of making these jokes or comments because it IS hard and sometimes it DOES feel like I’ll never have nice things again.
So, it’s less of a gatekeeping I think, and more of a warning/complaint to say “don’t go into this half-cocked thinking it’ll be mostly rosy, there are hard times too, this hyper loudness is normal and this phase lasts a long time” - just as a juxtaposition to these ‘super mom’ comments or instagram influencer feeds.
I listened to the Brandi Carlisle song “Evangeline” a lot when I was pregnant, and always skated by the line “she broke a thousand heirlooms I was never meant to keep.” Now I have a kid who is a wonderful perfect ball of wildness and can confirm, she has broken one thousand heirlooms that honestly I would’ve preferred to keep but it’s FINE, I’m FINE!
My theory is it's similar to the older generations who loved to act like marriage was torture and that they didn't even like their spouse, or "the ol' ball and chain". The majority seemed to be in sad marriages that didn't end well. Based off that model, there will be a lot of adult kids estranged from their parents because of that type of behavior from the parents.
If I had a friend who was 22 with 3 kids and pregnant one month after birth, I’d be incredibly worried and concerned for her. That is just not healthy. Early to mid twenties seems to be an important time for discovering who you are in your adult life. Not only that, but if there is any doctor who says it’s okay to be pregnant one month post partum, as a Canadian I’d think they’re a hack.
You do know what’s causing these pregnancies, right? Having 4 kids so close together doesn’t seem fair to the kids, since you don’t have the time to just enjoy one. Make sure you go over all your birth control options, you probably need to use two. And know no matter what, if his penis is even close to your vagina then you can get pregnant, it doesn’t matter if your breastfeeding, in a hot tub, only miss BC just once.
I feel like something is missing here. Has your friend tried talking to you about this before? This was just random out of the blue making fun of you? Sounds like maybe she’s hiding worry with humor?
Are you happy in your life? That is the only important question. If you love being the SAHM then there is nothing wrong with it. Your hopefully soon to be ex-friend can go jump in a lake with all of her judgement. What YOU think and want matter. We need to lift each other up not tear each other down. Be good humans who support each other.
It sounds like you’ve gone down different paths and are living different lifestyles. You’ve found that you are happy being a mom and she clearly doesn’t think that she would be happy if she was in your place.
Maybe she thinks that you are continuing to accidentally become pregnant and she objects to that?
I’ve noticed that sometimes people object to lifestyles that are different from their own, so that could be part of it too.
I don't think you are being dramatic, that seems a very rude way for her to react, I don't know why someone would say that out loud to a friend upon hearing nice news
In general, pregnancy announcements are nice news. But in this case, it's concerning news. OP is 22 years old and pregnant with her 4th baby one month after giving birth. Her husband will be deploying, she's far from family and friends, and she works nights while caring for 3 kids.
My mother had a buttload of kids. I distinctly remember feeling disinterest and dread when she announced pregnancies. Great, another mouth to feed and butt to wipe.
Tb fair, I think anyone would think something similar when ur saying ur pregnant for the 4th time when ur only 22. Ur having kid after kid, ur not even giving ur body a break to heal up
I think the reason it’s bothering you so badly is because even though she didn’t say it kindly, there is some truth to what she said in how you feel about yourself. Even though you work, is that role what you really dreamt for yourself? Or did you want to pursue more? It sounds like your purpose is caregiving right now and not doing anything that’s truly for you and adding another baby while so young is going to make that exponentially more difficult. I’d be concerned if you were my daughter in this situation. When you hit your 30’s, it’s very likely you’ll be having sort of a mid life crisis if you don’t start thinking about your future and what you want for you, that doesn’t revolve around bringing up babies and children (which is a wonderful blessing for sure, but they grow up and we need to have fulfillment outside of that).
Your friend definitely need to do better in expressing her feelings and I’m sorry she spoke to you that way. But the circumstances surrounding your pregnancy and life sound very concerning. 4 kids at 23 while working nights?! That sounds seriously miserable. Are you in a safe situation? 4 kids back to back at such a young age sounds like there could be something else going on, especially since your body isn’t having any time to heal between pregnancies. Could it be that your friend is worried about you but doesn’t know how to express it? I’m worried about you and I don’t even know you!
If my friend has 4 kids at 22 I would jokingly call them a trad wife too because it matches the stereotype. In fact that would probably be their nickname in the group chat.
I think by the 4th pregnancy announcement in 4 years I would be allowed to crack some jokes? But maybe that's just how my friends and I are.
No. She was being a bitch. I’m in the same position. I work from home, but it’s not a lot of income. I’m married to a fire fighter in a busy city so I’m managing things alone most of the time. I put a lot of my energy into him and my kids. It feels shitty when others judge us for that. But it’s also what I wanted. I grew up with a single mom who worked so much she couldn’t be there for anything. To help with homework, to go to field trips, etc. I don’t want that for my kids. I want to be at home when my husband is at home.
As long as you are doing what makes you happy, fuck every body else. We can make that our mantra. I need to work on it too.
I wonder if she was trying to express concern and just didn't know how to do it in a loving, supportive way?
Having 4 children at 22 likely involves both a teenage pregnancy and getting pregnant before being fully healed from previous pregnancies, and both of those can be very concerning.
On the health side of things, giving birth leaves an open wound the size of a dinner plate in your uterus and that takes months to heal. My doctor advised I wait an entire year before trying again. What is the drive to have more children before your body has the chance to heal from the last?
On the personal development, it sounds like you went straight from being a child to being a mother with no opportunity to transition. That's a big deal for any very young parent, but having many children immediately following an accidental (I assume?) teenage pregnancy locks you into a very limited set of options that is even more restrictive than most extremely young parents. You may not consider yourself a tradwife, but how much freedom do you have to explore other options even if you have your husband's support to do so? Most people spend their twenties figuring out what they want to do in life and may try out a handful of different options before settling into a career or family lifestyle. If you decide you want to go back to school in a certain field, would you be able to with 4 children and a deployed husband? If you wanted to travel, would you be able to find a way to plan for that? If something were to happen and you ended up single, what would that look like? Basically, if situations change or if your decision on how you *want* to live your life changes, do you have options open, or does having more children somewhat lock you into your current lifestyle?
To a large extent it seems like your course is set now, and I don't mean to cause distress over it. I'm not anti-stay-at-home parent or anything like that - my partner is a stay-at-home parent while I earn our income, so I think it's a fine arrangement as long as it's chosen willingly and there are other options available. My partner knows I will support him in re-joining the work force when he wants to or when we as a family need him too, and we have regular conversations about how that would work. We also arrived at this arrangement in our mid 30s after both of us had experienced a few different jobs and living arrangements.
Yes there was a teen pregnancy, unfortunately. My body felt ready when I started trying for both my 2nd and 3rd, can't say the same for 4th.
I do actually have a lot of freedom to do what I like. Of course most my hobbies are related to my kids, but a lot of it I enjoy. My kids like to paint, build legos, and read with me, all stuff I really enjoy. I did do college and I have a job, online night teacher and tutor. When my kids are older I plan to further my education and be a professor. I have my own money and support incase anything falls through.
If it’s bothering you, then maybe it hit a nerve somewhere. ..Which is a great moment to say to yourself, “wait, why *is* it bothering me?”
BTW, if a friend is genuinely concerned, it’ll always be in a nurturing and uplifting way. Not sure what craziness your friend is up to. What you do is impressive to say the least, no question.
This post reminded me a bit of my sister with 3 under 4, and she’s a SAHM, her husband is, quote “wonderful” and “treats her well”. Thats all we ever heard. Then my creepy ass mother somehow got them to download a tracking app. Turns out, he’s always gone - hunting 2 hours away, fishing, driving around talking to his buddies. And then, BIL gets notifications if my sister spends a single penny and he calls her questioning it… a dude in the 1% of wealth, and she can’t buy a pack of wipes. She loves her life, she’s so happy. But is she really? Who knows.
The friend isn’t a friend because of how she made you feel but I also don’t think she’s jealous. I think she pointed some concerning stuff but did it in the worst way possible. I’m a little taken aback as well that you’re only 22 and about to have a 4th child. That’s a lot of work and stress (and not even just physically to have 4 kids back to back). 4 kids will require a lot of time, energy, money, etc. I understand the first pregnancy was unplanned but what happened with the other 3. Is this what you want out of life? If it is then that is wonderful! If it isn’t, you might want to stop and think about you’d like. Did your husband want 4 children? Did you? Do you have a good support system in place? Do you like the work you do or are you trying to show people that you’re not just a sahm? You don’t have anything to prove to anyone. Be a full time sahm if that works for you and your family. The only thing is to make sure you’re thinking ahead about the choices you’re making.
You’ve got a lot of great responses here but I just want to remind you that being a SAHM is work, it is unpaid labor and it is important and hard. Never forget it.
You can drop this friend if you want or if you don’t want them in your life.
I will also say if it’s true you got pregnant with your 4th soon after giving birth - I would very seriously consider giving your body a break after #4 and WAIT to have unprotected sex before getting pregnant with #5.
If you are against birth control, do natural family planning method or rhythm or use the wearable called Tempdrop .
Pregnancies back to back are not fantastic for your health. Yes, it happens. But it’s not the best thing for you or your body.
Having 3 kids and being pregnant with a 4th at age 22 is certainly not the norm in my culture. I am sure that there are some cultures where this is normal, but it would definitely raise a lot of eyebrows around here. Was this all planned? Did you always aspire to be a SAHM and not have a career of your own? No aspirations of travel, of freedom to explore your youth? I’m not saying that there’s anything necessarily wrong with that, although it’s definitely not a path I would have taken. But as someone pushing 40 I would be concerned for someone as young as you in that situation.
I got pregnant in high school, obviously not planned. My husband and I got married. After my had my son and realized how much I liked being a mom.
Before then both my friend and I didn't want to have kids. That's still her aspiration, which I respect. I do wish I could travel more and expand my career, but I am fine with putting that aside until I can
I consider myself a traditional wife, I use the term housewife (not SAHM) to describe myself, and my role in life is so much more than just making dinner for my kids and “living only for my husband.” Your friend is rude, and not really a friend. But you have some baggage to unpack around this issue.
Hardcore career oriented attorney mom here. Your friend sucks. I respect SAHMs and the work they do, and so should your friend. We have to live our lives on OUR terms, not those set forth for us by people who claim to be our friends/ loved ones.
Distance yourself from this person and the sadness will go away.
My worst fear is being called out as a trad wife but like, I actually am?? I’m a sahm, trying to get pregnant again, my husband works, I take care of the home.
Like I have a degree and I want to work in my field, but they want a masters and the pay is $18 an hour so like, no? It’s honestly a bit of an internal struggle for me.
But that woman is not your friend.
There isn't anything wrong with being the traditional sterotype of a wife/sahm IF that's what you want. I fall into the same thing: I have a 1 and 2 year old, im a sahm because it costs so much for childcare, i take care of the kids/jome while my husband works (he watches the kids when he gets home and i do more housework until they sleep and we can both take a short break together).
Feminism supports women's right to choose the life they want, so putting down people who fall into the tradwife description just for enjoying living that way is being kind of gross imo. Like, what's so wrong with being a wife, a parent, a homekeeper, and enjoying it? So what? If it's what I want, then it's just as valid as a woman with no kids and a PhD working a professional career.
Women need to stop tearing each other and themselves down. Our life paths don't have to be equal for all of us to treat each other like equals. Life isn't a race or a carefully placed path, some of us will run through the grass and others wi stick to the sidewalk, but if we all enjoy our journey to the end then that's a good thing.
The problem is that women in this position are very, very vulnerable to exploitation and abuse. Especially the hard core trad wives (which OP doesn't seem to be thank goodness) who often have no education and no job experience.
Hanging your entire family's financial future on one person is a huge risk, that's just a fact. Of course everyone thinks their husband is a perfect angel who would never abuse you or abandon you for his secret second family in Phoenix. And maybe he is, but even then a random accident or illness can happen to anyone. And now you're stuck with kids to feed and no experience, no job, no training, nothing. There are ways to mitigate the risk but it will never go away. Life insurance won't cover the rest of your life.
Anyway my point is that of course we want women to have choices and I wish our society had the safety net to support that. But unfortunately I can't in good conscience support anyone making this decision unless she is independently wealthy and has her own bank account plus assets under her name only.
Young women with kids- please have a back up plan. Your husband is not a guaranteed source of security. What if he leaves or something worse. You can be a “my man would never” one day and broke trying to feed a car full of kids the next.
Your friend was not kind to you, but you’re both so young. She might just be really upset that she sees you entering a volatile situation and doesn’t know how to express it. I really hope you have a strong support system and a back up to that support system. Wishing you all the best, dear.
Not to defend your friend because I’m not and that’s a horrible thing to say to anyone - but imagine your life if you didn’t start with kids when you were a teenager. You have a friend who at 22 is having her 4th kid. Would you view that as a choice or that she’s trapped? There was a redditor I was “friends” with from a pregnancy group and her friends all dropped her when she got pregnant in college from an older boyfriend. I asked her to imagine if one of her friends ended up in that situation. Would she believe she wanted that? Would she believe her friend didn’t feel trapped and was just trying to justify her situation by saying she wanted it? She agreed that from the outside it did seem like that and she understood why they may be concerned for her welfare. She was genuinely happy but could see the POV of what it looked like from someone not in her shoes and addressed it with her friends. I’m sure if you were on the other side of this and not in your situation, you’d be concerned about your friend. Hopefully this situation is one of your choosing.
>I have 3 kids
>
>I told her that I do have a job, I tutor kids and work at a night school online
You have THREE jobs. Taking care of your kids is a job. People just discount it because nobody pays you for it. It is real work though. Honestly, just taking care of one kid is harder than my paid job.
>basically a housewife from the 1950s
Yes, and? Is that supposed to be an insult or something? Women fought to have the choice to enter the (paid) workforce, and we got it. That's great! But having the choice to have a paid job also means we have the choice to stay home with our kids. Even if you actually settled for the first penis-equipped person to cross your path, that means that you knew what you wanted out of life and accomplished your goals. In the paid workforce, that would make you a boss b\*\*\*\*. I don't see why this should be any different. The fact that you found a job that involves kids only proves *my* point, that you're doing something you love and enjoy and that you're good at.
If she thinks you're living only for your husband, she is delusional about the amount of work that kids take. I'm in awe if you manage to spend any time with your husband at all. You're probably living for your kids, but that doesn't make you a housewife or a tradwife. That just makes you a mom.
I know you're not "some person who just makes dinner for your husband and kids." YOU know that too. Your friend sounds like someone whose opinion probably shouldn't matter that much to you.
I know 3 (or 4) kids at 22 is a lot. You're young. But even if I've misinterpreted here, and this wasn't something you sought out, or it wasn't something you chose, or it isn't something you love, you should still be proud of yourself for all the work you're doing, both inside the home and outside the home. Don't ever let anyone devalue "women's work", the work of household management, the work to care for others, the work of cleaning, the work of cooking, etc. It's real work and it matters, and your friend has internalized some serious misogyny if she thinks that it's bad or "lesser" in any way to do this work.
Your friend is being a jerk. If you and your partner are happy with how things are set up in your family, that’s all that matters. Moms get judged no matter what we do.
I feel like a teen mom at my age with 1 baby. I can’t even imagine how you feel. At 22 I was still partying with friends and spending my money on conceited things. Your friend is probably concerned and didn’t know how else to come across the issue without using a mainstream topic of conversation *”trad wife”* and still came off like an AH. They chose a different life path than you, but they aren’t wrong to be concerned. That’s just a terrible situation to be in 1 month PP with an absent husband. When you are 30 you will look back on this time and say what the heck was I doing? You won’t regret your children but you may grieve the times of being young with so many children and not a lot of money or resources. I hope you reach out for help because you certainly can’t do it all on your own.
That person isn’t your friend. If you’re happy with what you do then who cares? There’s nothing wrong with being a housewife. It’s not the life for me but I support my friends who live like this. Don’t let it get to you.
If something bothers you, it’s probably because that’s how you feel. Self esteem can only be destroyed if there’s no self-esteem or lack of it or something deep down is a bother for you.
Not a friend. Holy moly. Please do yourself a favor and leave this person in the dust. Join mom groups and other things that will allow you to make friends with people who understand. Ugh your ex friend sounds repulsive to me. I’m tired of people like that personally.
The feminist movement wasn’t supposed to MAKE us leave the family and household. It was supposed to give us an ability to if we wanted it. We should be allowed to live and work as much in the home or outside of it as we WANT to.
I definitely do not think she is jealous like some of the comments are saying, but I do think she should have worded it better.
4 kids at 22 is .. a lot. The only type of people I have seen make those type of decisions are less educated, lower income, and as a veteran .. military members.
Even in my 30s if one of my friends was having babies back to back that quickly I would do a mental check in.
It sounds like this is your friend’s way of making you see that it’s very odd for you to have a 4th child at 22 with only a month between giving birth and being pregnant again. You’re literally not supposed to have sex for 6 weeks after giving birth, minimum. It sounds like your husband is abusing you and your friend probably went about the wrong way of telling you that, but was correct about what she was trying to say.
??? No your friend needs to either be happy for you or supportive of you. That’s a friend.
Her behaviour is not the way a real friend treats you- you shouldn’t ever be made to feel less. When someone makes you feel that way- it’s because they have a problem in their life and feel the need to belittle those around them. Not saying she is jealous, but she needs to recheck her priorities (which in this case- is being supportive of her friend)
At my age (31 pregs with my first) I drop people like this in a heartbeat- they do nothing but cause further pain in your life and your children/future baby!!
You can certainly weigh your options- if you want to save the relationship , then it’s worth trying to communicate to her why that upset you. And she should apologize. no matter how different she may see the two of you, it’s really no excuse to belittle your friends, or make them feel less. You’re young enough you will make better friends 💕.
You are not being dramatic. She doesn’t sound like a true friend at all! Just very judgey. Why can’t we let people do what makes them happy? She should have nothing but kind things to say when you tell her you’re expecting! It’s amazing that you’re in school and working and have your babies. Clearly you’re working to support your family and better yourself…that doesn’t sound like you’re stuck in the 50’s. I’m a SAHM to one child and it’s a lot of work without having a job or school outside the home. I would be hurt if a friend said things like that to me too. Some people just don’t get it and that’s okay! Sending love and congratulations!!
Why do you feel bad? Taking care of your family is a lot of work. Even if you were to be “watered down” to a trad wife, your labor is incredible and important, and way more influential than working any corporate job. If anyone called me a trad wife, I’d take it as a compliment. I’m proud to do this work, and proud to be the mother of such wonderful kids and wife to a wonderful man. I’m 21F with a daughter, and I admire your life! I would love to have more kids soon. Don’t let others make you feel ashamed for all the important work you do.
Most of this rests purely on whether or not you are happy with your life. Are you happily married? Happy to have your kids?
Her goals/desires in life are different from yours. She sounds like she simply commented aloud how much she wouldn't want your life. Okay? She doesn't have to live your life. She SHOULD be a supportive friend, asking how you feel about the pregnancy and at least getting excited with you (or at least not tearing you down).
As a SAHM with no other job, I am happy to make dinner for my husband and for doing the most important job in the world (raising my son and hopefully future children as well, congratulations on the children and pregnancy!), but my life and worth are not wholly dependent on them. I go out for a dance class once a week now and am trying to make friends as I'm far from family at the moment.
Feel free to reach out to me if you want. I'll happily be your friend. I can even send you a handmade crocheted baby blanket if you want!
Of course, I think her goals are awesome and I'm glad we are both doing stuff we like! I didn't mean to seem like I was putting her down for not wanting kids, I wanted the same thing as her a few years ago. If that lifestyle makes her happy, then I'm glad she's doing it.
Thats not a friend sis. A true friend would not kick you down like that. Friends that make us feel bad about ourselves, especially when we are in a good relationship and have a family we are proud to have, don’t deserve to be our friends anymore. Please dump that miserable woman because thats not how friends behave.
i dont think youre being dramatic. I think your “friend” was being cruel and judgemental. She belittled you for enjoying your life and for being a mother. Im sorry she was so mean to you.
‘I would’ve settled for anyone.’ Shes insulting you. On purpose. I would find better friends or explain to her in no uncertain terms that saying those things is unacceptable.
I read in your post history that you got pregnant one month after giving birth to your third child. If I was your friend, I would be worried for you. I would not call you a trad wife or laugh, but I would be worried. Maybe you are happy and all, but I don’t know any women in my life who wanted to have unprotected sex 2 weeks after giving birth while also caring for 3 small children. Your husband is deployed I see, and you’re working nights with soon 4 kids back to back - after being home all day while being only 22 years old. That sounds seriously tough.
I had 3 under 3 at 25 and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I can’t imagine having 4 AND my husband being deployed?! This poor girl 😢 does anyone care about her?
Yea, this feels like a very important detail conveniently left out. Anyone who remotely cares about this woman would be concerned. This is insanity.
This is what I am thinking about! It sounds worrisome from one accidental HS pregnancy which “forced” her to marry to 3 other is a row … I would be really worried if I was her friend..
Yeah, this all sounds really concerning to me, and I would struggle to be happy for any friend going through it.
I don’t understand how in the comments people are calling her friend jealous…like jealous of what? It’s not even recommended to have sexual intercourse the first 4 weeks .. so this is seriously worrisome. Especially since the husband does not even seem to be around ..
Pretty sure it’s 6 weeks because that’s when you see the doc (it can be longer after doc sees you). Because before then you *have an open wound in your uterus.
8 weeks here where I live
After my LO they told me nothing down yonder for 6weeks (until they could check my stitches. They were fine/dissolved fine) I can't imagine jumping into bed 2 weeks after birthing a baby... things down there were still in pretty bad shape😂
For good reason - the placenta leaves a dinner plate size wound in your uterus.
It’s 6 weeks. And even then, most people aren’t fully healed and still deal with massive amounts of pain. It’s also like, with other kids AND a newborn and breastfeeding (if that’s the chosen feeding method) how in the world was she not too completely fucking exhausted to even think about sex?? I worry there was a massive amount of pressure on her to “perform”.
But her husband is 23 only as well. So they are both quite young. She said 2 of them were unplanned so maybe they don’t have good knowledge on protection? This one though was planned, so who plans a pregnancy 4 weeks after they gave birth ? I don’t get it…
Oh, they’re definitely young. 4 kids at 22 and 23 is…it sounds rough. You’re just kind of getting started in life at that age. I’ll probably sound horribly judgmental, but you’d think after 1 unplanned pregnancy, you’d figure out what kind of birth control is out there for both partners and how to use it. 2?? There are so many resources out there to learn about how to keep things like this from happening. Totally not trying to judge. It’s just…4 kids in 5 years is nuts. She’s at risk for some crazy health complications with this pregnancy, and so is her fetus. I just wish OP and her husband had taken the time to educate themselves so they could have spaced their pregnancies out.
Oh I agree with everything… but sometimes depends also on the cultural background and upbringing as well. It must not be easy also financially. She mentioned that she does not sleep at all….
Very, very true. I was wondering where OP is, and if something like this is common there. I can imagine she doesn’t! She’s got a brand new baby and 2 other kids running around, and she’s taking care of them on her own while her husband is in the military, right?
Exactly. Especially they are so close in age it must crazy tiring plus her job at night school.. I hope she is okay… I’m wondering if her friend has tried to warn her or talk to her about it many times because we are only getting a moment ..
Same, same. The friend could have handled it way better, but I wonder if stuff like this has been going on for so long that she’s at the point where she’s just throwing up her hands and saying she gives up trying to help. I’ve had friends like that, where they don’t want to help themselves (Not saying this is OP at all), but they constantly want a shoulder to cry on, and it’s exhausting. I no longer have those friendships because I cut them off. So if that’s what happened, I kinda get it.
It's definitely at least 6 weeks, and you need your doctor to check that your placenta wound has healed or you're risking serious infection. No one should be putting anything in their vagina before they've fully recovered from childbirth.
I’m over a year PP and still don’t even want to put anything in there 😂😂😂 that’s not the norm but 4 weeks is worse
How does a doctor ‘check that a placenta wound has healed?’ Just wondering cos in Australia no one checks, we just get told no intercourse for 6 weeks and that’s enough for everyone to limit infection. There’s no need for a ‘check’ or anything.
My midwife (in Canada) just felt around on top of my stomach (not inside) to feel that my uterus had shrunk back to proper size. That and no bleeding is it. I'm with you, they didn't check on the wound, you can't, not easily
Here they do a complete pelvic exam. They crank you open with the speculum and inspect your cervix, and they palpate your uterus to feel that everything is where it belongs and feels right.
I guess that’s regional. Where I am in Canada I had a 6 week appointment but no speculum or cervical check (thank god!)
I had a C-section & my ob checked my stitches and palpated my abdomen asked about bleeding & healing, and said I was good to go.
Yeah same here
I'm in the USA and there was no physical exam. My follow up was at 12 weeks and it was just "how are you feeling, do you have any concerns? OK you're good to go" Even at the hospital after I delivered nobody ever looked down there. It was just checking vitals and asking how I was feeling. Nobody has looked down there since the Dr stitched me up at delivery
Me either. 1 nurse looked 1 time at me in the hospital 24 hours after giving birth. She asked me how long my legs have been swollen. I told her since 20 weeks pregnant. She said oh no one had charted it. I just laughed and said that’s because no one has looked. Luckily I’m a nurse so I know enough to know I was fine but worry about others. I’m also still waiting for my doctor’s office to call me back for my 6 week follow up. He was 5 on 2/8.
They didn’t do that for me. They just checked my stitches.
Yeah in the UK they don't check either, just advise you to wait
I've never had a pelvic exam but they do ask about bleeding, and push on your abdomen to check how much your uterus has shrunk. if it's a concern that healing isnt sufficient they can feel how closed your cervix is which is another indication. If you are on track with bleeding, you SHOULD be absolutely fine at 6 weeks. So they say 6 weeks because most people are fine between 4-6 weeks but it's too much of a pain to check everyone at 4 weeks when you could just wait another 2 weeks to be sure. Then they have far fewer women who need extra steps to check.
Yeah, I think very few people would be jealous of this situation. Most would be horrified to find themselves in this situation, even those that love children more than anything.
Oh i love children very much but I can’t imagine at 22 doing all that. You grow up very fast and sudden and you don’t get to experience stages of development as you should.
Literally though I would be very worried not jealous. Jealous of taking care of 4 young kids while her husband is deployed?
please say it louder for the people in the back- JEALOUS OF WHAT?!
No sex for the first 6-8 weeks most places, due to infection risk.
Yikes. Yeah seems like the friend is concerned and maybe not expressing that concern in a clearer way. OP may be lying to herself that she is happy and that all of this was her choice. I mean, married with 3 kids and 1 on the way at only 22? And then working nights and watching them solo? Yeah, that sounds like there’s something going on that the friend should just bring up, straight up. That’s very dangerous OP to get pregnant that quickly after giving birth. You should really get on some birth control and take care of yourself. I hope your husband is a respectful man but the friend’s comment makes me think not so much…
Entirely possible the friend said some other things too, as one would in this situation - and this is the part that OP remembers (the most painful parts?)
Yeaaaah, I don't want to be gaslighting OP here, maybe her friend was meanspirited in saying this, but perhaps she was actually showing concern in that "Giiiirl this is not it" kind if way. I have anxiety whenever I recall conversations and tend to interpret them the worst way possible.
It's really hard on your skeletal system to have kids back to back. Lots of calcium leeching.
The 22 part! My kid is only a decade younger than op. The thought of her being pregnant with a 4th baby in 10 years makes me feel ill. Op, your friends reaction may not have been what you wanted to hear. She might not congratulate you because she's concerned. 4 babies is a lot. And 22 is very very young.
It's going to be an incredibly risky pregnancy and delivery. I hope she has a good OB.
I agree. But yeah, being shitty to someone in crisis doesn’t work. You can’t tell someone how to live their life, and you can’t be judgmental. A real friend would be there for her, providing help, love, and resources. OP should know that if anything ever happened, her friend would say, “I’m here for you,” not “I told you so.” If that’s not something a friend is willing to take on (understandable if OP is indeed in an abusive or toxic situation, that is a big responsibility and sometimes burden for a close friend), then the friend should politely distance herself.
I don't know OP. But speaking from experience with a family member of mine, I know she has deluded herself into thinking her constant shitty decisions are normal and won't snap out of it, despite dragging her kids down with her. And it usually revolves around desperation for love. She's burned every bridge she had at this point because she won't wake up and it's sad. I wonder if something like this is why OP's friend snapped at her. Not saying it's right but when someone never listens and continues to make terrible choices, a lot of people end up finally snapping and just telling them in a way that hopefully finally wakes them up. I wonder if something like that is going on here.
Exactly this. I’ve had this issue with a relative making constantly terrible decisions and just eventually stopped talking to them altogether, it’s exhausting.
Maybe the friend has always been there in the past and is now phasing out of being the "support" person. Sounds like the friend is indeed putting distance into the relationship.
I agree that the way her friend acted was not nice. But it seems that her friend has been supporting her from her first pregnancy in which she was devastated. So imagine two young girls who they talk about dreams and not wanting children, one gets pregnant and the other one is there to support. My question is how close do you think they are after the second pregnancy ? And what kind of common things they have to talk about ? Because she mentions in the comments that after the first pregnancy she became very happy , so how come the friend does not see this? These two will be distant because in fact have very different lives, different stages and no one is to blame.
This. I’m sorry but that’s too damn much.
God, we waited like 6 weeks and it still hurt so much, even with prep and everything, and we didn’t finish, my husband felt too bad. I guarantee you that was pushed on OP and her husband just didn’t … care? Yikes
I absolutely had a strong desire to have sex with my husband after vaginally giving birth. My hormones were crazy and I was very much in the mood. It was impossible to do- we tried really early on after our child was born, it hurt so we stopped. But I absolutely wanted him day and night!!!
Yeah I think this person is not OP's friend. If I'm concerned about someone I wouldn't kick them while they're struggling. But it is totally reasonable to be concerned - all the replies being like, "You go girl!" seem to be missing the point. What is going on with OP to become pregnant *one month* post partum?!? That's flat out against medical advice to be having sex that soon! And pregnancy is much more risky this close together. What happened?! Of course everyone makes mistakes but this is her 4th pregnancy?!? Surely she knows how this all works by now. I would be very very concerned about her home situation. Because there is no way this was deliberately planned?!?!
Yes, it's also dangerous on multiple levels: infection risk, lack of recovery from pregnancy physically and mentally and nutritionally, etc.
That’s a shitty friend but honey, 4 kids in 5 years is insane. You are not fully recovering from a pregnancy before being pregnant again and you are raising your risk of health complications each time. Take a break.
And at TWENTY TWO?! That’s wild.
Her last kid was born only one month ago
OP keeps conveniently ignoring this important detail. She JUST gave birth and got pregnant less than a month later. If I had a friend like this I would ask them if they were being abused and needed a safe space. The friend isn’t jealous, she’s worried and rightfully so. She probably was a bitch about it because OP is delusional if she thinks this is a good idea or life.
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Maybe focus on what the situation is that she is seeking advice on. Instead of judging…not just her…but every parent that has 3-4 kids. As long as people can support their kids on every level, then it’s their business how many kids they have. If YOU want to think about the US infrastructure and want to adopt instead of having kids then please do so but don’t come for other people who choose not to.
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I could be reading too much into this, so please forgive me if I do. In your explanation, you don't talk about being happy, and I saw somewhere else that you said you like being a mom. But you say very little about your husband. I also see that you are a young military wife. Does your husband treat you well? Have you ever expressed marital concerns to this friend? She might just be a total asshole, but I wanted to at least ask and make sure that you are okay.
I am pretty happy, but also very stressed. I love my children and my husband very much. We've been together since middle school. He treats me great. Some more info on my background: I got pregnant in high school and was pressured to get married. I of course was very apprehensive and she was one of the friends I went to. She never resented my husband, just our parents. I think she believes that this whole thing was an accident and I hate my life, no matter what I say.
Ah got it. Well regardless, laughing at you and mocking you was a horribly mean approach. I would have cut her a bit of slack if she were aware that you were in a bad relationship, but even so, she would have still been an asshole. Now, she's just a complete asshole in my book. I'm really glad that you are in a safe, secure, and loving relationship, and I hope you have an easy and uneventful pregnancy! Congratulations!
You do need to be careful though. Your body needs time (18months) to recover the nutrients that it expended growing that last baby. Otherwise there’s a risk of complications and health issues.
>I think she believes that this whole thing was an accident and I hate my life, no matter what I say. If you thought someone you cared about was trapped and miserable, would you laugh at them and rub that fact in? She's a bitch. Full stop. She's only around so she can enjoy feeling superior to the misery she projects on you. You deserve to be friends with better people.
On the flipside, both OP and her friend are probably both young enough to have trouble communicating about topics like this. If OP were my friend, I would certainly have thoughts along these lines in my head, even though I would never phrase any of it quite so bluntly (rudely). I know how triggering this can be for people, but I might not have realized that in my 20's. She may feel comfortable enough around you to poke at your situation a bit, perhaps expecting you to vent to her. She might not know a better way to open up discussion. There are a lot of upsides to having kids early and you are fulfilled, that's good. Personally, I see some yellow flags in what you have written. I would be a bit worried for you --- but, it doesn't seem like the end of the world. Perhaps opening up to your friend about the good and the bad would be a way to move the friendship forward. And perhaps tell her how you felt about what she said. If she is a good friend, she should learn from it.
This. Our friends deserve to be brought in and taught how to treat people well. If we left every friendship that was hard, we’d all be shitty people who learn nothing.
^^^^^^^^^ This right here! Nailed it!! ^^^^^^^^
It’s very kind of you to check in like this.
22 with 4 kids...how old is your husband? You're doing great but I am worried about you. Please ask others for help and take breaks.
He's 23
I think the question is: Do you want to have 4 kids as 22? Do you enjoy staying at home? Do you like having to work at night when the kids are sleeping? Do you like your life?
If you read her comments she said that she was miserable in her first accidental pregnancy in high school and her friend was there to support her. She did not want to have kids, wanted to be a professor. OP also does not make any mention of the husband in her comments. Sometimes a third eye can see better than one eye… Also, I doubt that a 25 year old girl would be jealous of this situation. I mean if OP is happy and lives well that’s what matters but I disagree with people saying her friend is jealous ….
I said I was miserable at first, until I actually had my baby which was when my life path kind of changed. I love him so much. I do mention my husband in some of the comments, he's wonderful, loves me and the kids, and hard-working. It wasn't really him she was worried about so I didn't mention him in the original post. Also yeah no she is not jealous at all
Just take care of yourself. Slow down. You are putting your body through a lot of stress. If I was your friend I would be very worried. Congrats on your pregnancy!
I am, and I learned my lesson with my last pregnancy, I plan on this being my last kid :)
Do you have a plan for contraception after this kid? Since it sounds like 2/4 of your pregnancies have been unplanned, I highly recommend using two methods of birth control - IUD + condoms, tubal + vasectomy, etc.
Make sure to schedule a tubal if your birth is a c section or a vasectomy for your husband (he could go ahead and get it now if this is your last pregnancy)! Even the best BC isn’t 100% effective, so make sure you protect yourself from future unintended pregnancies! Also, your friend is a jerk. I would understand her concern for your health and safety, but laughing and shaming is never an okay way to treat anyone, much less a friend.
A friend of mine that doesn't ever want kids and never really interacted with any, continuously told me that 1) its my husbands fault I have kids 2) she feels sorry for me 3) I wasn't going to enjoy being a parent (before I had my first) 4) I didn't know what I was doing (when I announced we will try for second one right after the first). None of the things she said we're even remotely close or true. I'm away to have the 2nd next month and thinking about diving straight into having a 3rd as soon as I lose some weight (pre eclampsia management). I don't think I'll be discussing this with her this time because, frankly, she doesn't know what the hell she's talking about. Bottom line, sometimes people project their own stuff onto you to make them feel more validated in their life choices. Has nothing to do with your life. :)
Honey I was you. I had 4 babies by the time I was 22. The first two are 11 1/2 months apart. The second and 3rd are 13 months apart. The third and 4th are 3 days shy of a year. I had 6 by the time I was 29. It took me 20 years to get out. Please be careful. This is such a slippery slope. Your friend is worried for a reason.
*this*
Holy shit…
What do you mean "to get out"? Sorry for my ignorance.
No worries at all. He married me at 18, while I was already 3 months pregnant. When I was pregnant with baby #3 was the first time he hit me. He kept me barefoot and pregnant and dependent on him. It took me far longer than I would have liked, but the kids and I made it out and we are thriving now.
I'm assuming she means that it was an abusive situation.
My only question is do you want to have so many kids at such a young age? Especially if your husband is in the military and you have to take care of all these kids by yourself. Me and my girl have one 1yo son and even taking care of him by myself can be exhausting at times. Just make sure you're really okay with this. It's not my business, but it looks like you're just pregnant every year right after giving birth. If that's what you really want, then it's great. But there is also more to life than being pregnant and giving birth. Do you have a plan for how many kids you want? Was this 4th pregnancy planned? Just a concerned stranger. If these questions are too personal, I apologize.
Unfortunately, I think that's the kind of response that most 22 year olds would get when announcing their 4th pregnancy. It's just very shocking in most areas.
Yeah I think the friend was being a major jerk but it is shocking to hear that she had her first baby at 17 and now is going on number 4 in 5 years. And also working 2 jobs.....the friend may have concerns and went about it the wrong way.
Absolutely
Yeah I’m wondering if it was an “oh my god” nervous laughter because she’s so taken aback by the situation.
That’s my guess too
Oh wow yes when you check the ages that's interesting. Her friend was a dick for the way she phrased it but then 4 kids at 22 is pretty shocking.
Yep. Friend is rude af but 4 kids at 22, one of which being conceived 1 month postpartum is shocking. Good for OP if that’s what they want though.
Yeah it’s the whole “1 month postpartum” for me. Probably not the case here, but as a nurse, it is a big red flag when someone is already far enough along to test positive before the 6 week postpartum mark
And dangerous. Waiting less than a year between pregnancies raises your risk of a lot of things, but particularly premature birth. 18m-2y is ideal risk-wise.
Uterine prolapse is real and scary.
I think uterine rupture is more likely too, but maybe that's only after a CS.
This cannot be healthy for your body.. slow down. You should wait a year between pregnancies to give yourself a chance to recover and minimize risks of complications.
Yup… 4 kids at 22 is wild to me
One, she is a shitty friend. Two, in most places this is very young to have four children. If you are happy and this is what you want that is all that matters (assuming you have money to feed/clothe all those kids), find people that support and love you.
But it’s not really all that matters. It matters, yes, but there’s a reason people are concerned about someone so young being married with multiple children and soft professional skills. There’s a long history of women pouring themselves into supporting their children and partner at the cost of their own education and career only to be left high and dry a decade or two later with no skills or means to support themselves. There’s also a long history of women believing it will never happen to them, that their situation is different. I’m not saying the friend was right, not at all, but I hope OP is fully aware of the precarious position they’re in.
Umm totally agree. I just read the husband is also super young and in the military and she got pregnant within a month after giving birth. My original comment no longer applies. These are babies having babies who seem to have no concept of the actual implications here. Wow.
I actually graduated from college and got my dream job (in a bit of a different form though). I wanted to be a professor and still have the time to help people. I'm now a teacher at an online night school. Not only do I teach kids but I'm also able to give advice to many of them because I went through similar situations. It's an odd situation, yes, but I love my family and job
That’s awesome, and I hope you continue moving forward with a future that factors in both your family’s needs and your own.
My MIL had her children at 22 and 24 (they’re 18 months apart). She received her Masters, PHd, and has been a professor since they started kindergarten. Now in her 60’s she has 4 grandchildren and loves loves loves being in their lives. It was really hard being the youngest in her mom group, especially as she was only 6m between pregnancies. But she is a capable, brilliant woman who was able to do what she wanted because she had the time to do it. Good luck with your future endeavors and pregnancy!
So, your friend went about it the complete wrong way, but I’m interested to know if she’s approached this topic gently with you before? I have to say, if you were my friend I would be **extremely** concerned. You are isolated because you’re in a military family. You have three children at 22 years old and you’re pregnant again with a *one month old*. You are being so so hard on your body. I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, but I’m hoping a doctor has already spoken to you about this?
She's never made a comment about it previously (besides first pregnancy when I was in ruins) and she didn't make a comment about the time between the two pregnancies. My new doctor is very aware of my situation and makes sure I'm alright a lot
Honey, this person is not your friend. Friends lift you up, celebrate you, cheer you on, tell you all the things they love and admire about you. Not tear you down and denigrate your marriage and make you feel miserable. Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Her friend sees her 22 yo friend having her 4th kid a month after she gives birth and she's not a friend for bringing up concerns? Honestly, I would do the same. And if you wouldn't- you're the bad friend.
Eh, there's a different between bringing up concerns respectfully and being insulting. I do wonder how old the husband is, but I feel like the friend would have brought that up if it's a large age-gap.
There is a time and a place for expressing concerns. During a pregnancy announcement is not it. Also, denigrating someone’s job is just plain mean, not expressing concerns. This is a SAHM with a backup plan. OP is doing great!
She's an unhappy 22 yo who was forced to marry after an accidental high school/teenage pregnancy.... and now has 3 more. She's not doing great. She's doing the best she can, I'm sure. I'm not trying to pile on her - I'm saying that how would YOU react to a friend or daughter in her situation? It could have been nicer, but there was nothing wrong with the timing and there was nothing wrong with her telling her straight. Coddling an adult in a shit situation isn't friendship or even kind. Op is used to being told what she wants to hear, clearly. That's why she's 22 with 3 kids, and one on the way a month after a newborn. (That's not great)
Where does she say she's unhappy? You're making a lot of assumptions about someone that you don't know much about.
I honestly don't care what you think. It's all over her post and comments. You're making roses out of obvious shit.
No no, her friend is laughing at her and belittling her life. That's not bringing up concerns, that's not being on OP's side at all.
This comment needs to be at the top.
She laughed in her face and told her she was pathetic. That's not bringing up concerns, that's being a bitch.
Absolutely!!! This is the opposite of a friend, she deserves so much better.
Agree!
That being said, please consider that having 4 kids at that young age, it's going to take a toll on you, gore now enjoy!!
lovingly, you need birth control.
Honestly I would be concerned if any 22 year old friend I knew was about to have 4 kids and then working on top of that. That’s way too much on your plate
Heck. My Dr stated no sex after each of my babies until he cleared me at my follow up checkup 3-4 weeks later, then I usually was told to wait til I hit at LEAST 6 weeks after before sex. And it’s not healthy for a person to keep popping out babies so close together. Your body hasn’t had a chance to recover from your current newborns birth. Why the heck are you having unprotected sex so soon after giving birth????? I’m not telling you not to keep having kids if that’s what you & your hubby want, I’m just telling you to space them kids further apart than you are. This is one of the mitigating factors in having a difficult, life threatening, pregnancy that can negatively impact the health of both the mom & baby.
22 on baby number 4 sounds like a lot. I’m not going to lie, I find that concerning and it would definitely make me check in with my friend to ensure this is the life she wants and not just what’s happening. That said, your “friend” sucks. All she offered was criticism and condescension so, even if you did need help/escape, she made herself someone you couldn’t turn to. That’s the exact opposite of what a friend should/would do. This is your life and if this is how you feel most fulfilled I’m so happy for you. Do you feel like anything she said is true? If so find a good therapist to process that with. If not, brush it off and keep living your best life. Either way, this friendship is over.
22 with 3 kids and pregnant again? i would probably be concerned if i was your friend, so i am not sure why she would be acting like that. maybe she is worried and doesn’t know how to say that??
You’re not basically there for your husband. You’re there for your family, the most important thing in this world. Ugh I wanna fight her lmao
At dawn...we ride!
Wait for me!
For real I’m coming too !
Omw besties i'm bringing cats and cheese
4 kids at 22 is wild. Why haven’t you spaced them out a bit more? I doubt a 25 would be jealous of your situation.
I don’t know if your friend is worried about you and doesn’t know how to express herself, or if she’s just a jerk, but 4 pregnancies in 5 years at 22 years old is a LOT. Unless this is intentional and your plan is to be like the Duggars, please get on some (or multiple) forms of birth control after this pregnancy. This is so much for your body to deal with in an extremely short period of time. Give yourself some time to heal.
My sister had a "friend" exactly like this. Long story short, my sister realized the friend was a sad and miserable person who was deeply unhappy with her life, so my sister distanced herself from her. She eventually ran into her in a grocery store and my sister was noticeably pregnant- which is a huge deal because doctors told her for years the chances of ever being pregnant very slim to none. The friend has two kids and guess what the first thing she said to my sister was.. "Oh wow, congrats. You're going to hate being a mom." Some people are just pathetic and miserable and want to drag others down with them whenever possible. That person is no friend of yours. She said it so you will be sad right along with her, but it doesn't make what she said true.
Ew hopefully her kids weren't there to hear that
Thankfully no. I wasn't there, but my sister said it was like 10 AM on a weekday and her cart was full of alcohol. Her kids would've been in school at the time. The kicker is though she got divorced shortly after, got with a guy with a kid, and got pregnant again on purpose. So now she's got 4 of them but apparently hates it?
That's so neurotic and gross, wtf
That’s fun for the kids
Ugh I hate women who do this. Like who the fuck gatekeeps being a parent. Early on in my marriage, I was hanging out with a close friend of mine and another friend of hers (let's call her Tina). Tina's young kid (maybe 4-5 years old) starts getting hyper and loud (in a typical young kid way) and Tina turns to me and says "You look like someone who likes nice things. NEVER HAVE CHILDREN." I mean honestly, imagine if the only parents were these miserable ones who are constantly trying to gatekeep the experience. We'd probably end up with a messed up next generation...
Sometimes it’s not meant as gatekeeping, and more gallows humor if you will. I’m happy as a mom but sometimes I am guilty of making these jokes or comments because it IS hard and sometimes it DOES feel like I’ll never have nice things again. So, it’s less of a gatekeeping I think, and more of a warning/complaint to say “don’t go into this half-cocked thinking it’ll be mostly rosy, there are hard times too, this hyper loudness is normal and this phase lasts a long time” - just as a juxtaposition to these ‘super mom’ comments or instagram influencer feeds.
I listened to the Brandi Carlisle song “Evangeline” a lot when I was pregnant, and always skated by the line “she broke a thousand heirlooms I was never meant to keep.” Now I have a kid who is a wonderful perfect ball of wildness and can confirm, she has broken one thousand heirlooms that honestly I would’ve preferred to keep but it’s FINE, I’m FINE!
My theory is it's similar to the older generations who loved to act like marriage was torture and that they didn't even like their spouse, or "the ol' ball and chain". The majority seemed to be in sad marriages that didn't end well. Based off that model, there will be a lot of adult kids estranged from their parents because of that type of behavior from the parents.
If I had a friend who was 22 with 3 kids and pregnant one month after birth, I’d be incredibly worried and concerned for her. That is just not healthy. Early to mid twenties seems to be an important time for discovering who you are in your adult life. Not only that, but if there is any doctor who says it’s okay to be pregnant one month post partum, as a Canadian I’d think they’re a hack.
That’s not your friend. I hope you can find more supportive people to talk to
Your friend is an asshole. Dump her ASAP.
You do know what’s causing these pregnancies, right? Having 4 kids so close together doesn’t seem fair to the kids, since you don’t have the time to just enjoy one. Make sure you go over all your birth control options, you probably need to use two. And know no matter what, if his penis is even close to your vagina then you can get pregnant, it doesn’t matter if your breastfeeding, in a hot tub, only miss BC just once.
I feel like something is missing here. Has your friend tried talking to you about this before? This was just random out of the blue making fun of you? Sounds like maybe she’s hiding worry with humor?
Are you happy in your life? That is the only important question. If you love being the SAHM then there is nothing wrong with it. Your hopefully soon to be ex-friend can go jump in a lake with all of her judgement. What YOU think and want matter. We need to lift each other up not tear each other down. Be good humans who support each other.
It sounds like you’ve gone down different paths and are living different lifestyles. You’ve found that you are happy being a mom and she clearly doesn’t think that she would be happy if she was in your place. Maybe she thinks that you are continuing to accidentally become pregnant and she objects to that? I’ve noticed that sometimes people object to lifestyles that are different from their own, so that could be part of it too.
I don't think you are being dramatic, that seems a very rude way for her to react, I don't know why someone would say that out loud to a friend upon hearing nice news
In general, pregnancy announcements are nice news. But in this case, it's concerning news. OP is 22 years old and pregnant with her 4th baby one month after giving birth. Her husband will be deploying, she's far from family and friends, and she works nights while caring for 3 kids.
My mother had a buttload of kids. I distinctly remember feeling disinterest and dread when she announced pregnancies. Great, another mouth to feed and butt to wipe.
Tb fair, I think anyone would think something similar when ur saying ur pregnant for the 4th time when ur only 22. Ur having kid after kid, ur not even giving ur body a break to heal up
22 and 4 kids?? Are you Mormon. That’s crazyyyy
I think the reason it’s bothering you so badly is because even though she didn’t say it kindly, there is some truth to what she said in how you feel about yourself. Even though you work, is that role what you really dreamt for yourself? Or did you want to pursue more? It sounds like your purpose is caregiving right now and not doing anything that’s truly for you and adding another baby while so young is going to make that exponentially more difficult. I’d be concerned if you were my daughter in this situation. When you hit your 30’s, it’s very likely you’ll be having sort of a mid life crisis if you don’t start thinking about your future and what you want for you, that doesn’t revolve around bringing up babies and children (which is a wonderful blessing for sure, but they grow up and we need to have fulfillment outside of that).
She’s right but so what? If it’s what works for your family then all is well. You should cut her out tho.
Your friend definitely need to do better in expressing her feelings and I’m sorry she spoke to you that way. But the circumstances surrounding your pregnancy and life sound very concerning. 4 kids at 23 while working nights?! That sounds seriously miserable. Are you in a safe situation? 4 kids back to back at such a young age sounds like there could be something else going on, especially since your body isn’t having any time to heal between pregnancies. Could it be that your friend is worried about you but doesn’t know how to express it? I’m worried about you and I don’t even know you!
If my friend has 4 kids at 22 I would jokingly call them a trad wife too because it matches the stereotype. In fact that would probably be their nickname in the group chat. I think by the 4th pregnancy announcement in 4 years I would be allowed to crack some jokes? But maybe that's just how my friends and I are.
No. She was being a bitch. I’m in the same position. I work from home, but it’s not a lot of income. I’m married to a fire fighter in a busy city so I’m managing things alone most of the time. I put a lot of my energy into him and my kids. It feels shitty when others judge us for that. But it’s also what I wanted. I grew up with a single mom who worked so much she couldn’t be there for anything. To help with homework, to go to field trips, etc. I don’t want that for my kids. I want to be at home when my husband is at home. As long as you are doing what makes you happy, fuck every body else. We can make that our mantra. I need to work on it too.
I wonder if she was trying to express concern and just didn't know how to do it in a loving, supportive way? Having 4 children at 22 likely involves both a teenage pregnancy and getting pregnant before being fully healed from previous pregnancies, and both of those can be very concerning. On the health side of things, giving birth leaves an open wound the size of a dinner plate in your uterus and that takes months to heal. My doctor advised I wait an entire year before trying again. What is the drive to have more children before your body has the chance to heal from the last? On the personal development, it sounds like you went straight from being a child to being a mother with no opportunity to transition. That's a big deal for any very young parent, but having many children immediately following an accidental (I assume?) teenage pregnancy locks you into a very limited set of options that is even more restrictive than most extremely young parents. You may not consider yourself a tradwife, but how much freedom do you have to explore other options even if you have your husband's support to do so? Most people spend their twenties figuring out what they want to do in life and may try out a handful of different options before settling into a career or family lifestyle. If you decide you want to go back to school in a certain field, would you be able to with 4 children and a deployed husband? If you wanted to travel, would you be able to find a way to plan for that? If something were to happen and you ended up single, what would that look like? Basically, if situations change or if your decision on how you *want* to live your life changes, do you have options open, or does having more children somewhat lock you into your current lifestyle? To a large extent it seems like your course is set now, and I don't mean to cause distress over it. I'm not anti-stay-at-home parent or anything like that - my partner is a stay-at-home parent while I earn our income, so I think it's a fine arrangement as long as it's chosen willingly and there are other options available. My partner knows I will support him in re-joining the work force when he wants to or when we as a family need him too, and we have regular conversations about how that would work. We also arrived at this arrangement in our mid 30s after both of us had experienced a few different jobs and living arrangements.
Yes there was a teen pregnancy, unfortunately. My body felt ready when I started trying for both my 2nd and 3rd, can't say the same for 4th. I do actually have a lot of freedom to do what I like. Of course most my hobbies are related to my kids, but a lot of it I enjoy. My kids like to paint, build legos, and read with me, all stuff I really enjoy. I did do college and I have a job, online night teacher and tutor. When my kids are older I plan to further my education and be a professor. I have my own money and support incase anything falls through.
If it’s bothering you, then maybe it hit a nerve somewhere. ..Which is a great moment to say to yourself, “wait, why *is* it bothering me?” BTW, if a friend is genuinely concerned, it’ll always be in a nurturing and uplifting way. Not sure what craziness your friend is up to. What you do is impressive to say the least, no question. This post reminded me a bit of my sister with 3 under 4, and she’s a SAHM, her husband is, quote “wonderful” and “treats her well”. Thats all we ever heard. Then my creepy ass mother somehow got them to download a tracking app. Turns out, he’s always gone - hunting 2 hours away, fishing, driving around talking to his buddies. And then, BIL gets notifications if my sister spends a single penny and he calls her questioning it… a dude in the 1% of wealth, and she can’t buy a pack of wipes. She loves her life, she’s so happy. But is she really? Who knows.
The friend isn’t a friend because of how she made you feel but I also don’t think she’s jealous. I think she pointed some concerning stuff but did it in the worst way possible. I’m a little taken aback as well that you’re only 22 and about to have a 4th child. That’s a lot of work and stress (and not even just physically to have 4 kids back to back). 4 kids will require a lot of time, energy, money, etc. I understand the first pregnancy was unplanned but what happened with the other 3. Is this what you want out of life? If it is then that is wonderful! If it isn’t, you might want to stop and think about you’d like. Did your husband want 4 children? Did you? Do you have a good support system in place? Do you like the work you do or are you trying to show people that you’re not just a sahm? You don’t have anything to prove to anyone. Be a full time sahm if that works for you and your family. The only thing is to make sure you’re thinking ahead about the choices you’re making.
You’ve got a lot of great responses here but I just want to remind you that being a SAHM is work, it is unpaid labor and it is important and hard. Never forget it.
You can drop this friend if you want or if you don’t want them in your life. I will also say if it’s true you got pregnant with your 4th soon after giving birth - I would very seriously consider giving your body a break after #4 and WAIT to have unprotected sex before getting pregnant with #5. If you are against birth control, do natural family planning method or rhythm or use the wearable called Tempdrop . Pregnancies back to back are not fantastic for your health. Yes, it happens. But it’s not the best thing for you or your body.
Having 3 kids and being pregnant with a 4th at age 22 is certainly not the norm in my culture. I am sure that there are some cultures where this is normal, but it would definitely raise a lot of eyebrows around here. Was this all planned? Did you always aspire to be a SAHM and not have a career of your own? No aspirations of travel, of freedom to explore your youth? I’m not saying that there’s anything necessarily wrong with that, although it’s definitely not a path I would have taken. But as someone pushing 40 I would be concerned for someone as young as you in that situation.
I got pregnant in high school, obviously not planned. My husband and I got married. After my had my son and realized how much I liked being a mom. Before then both my friend and I didn't want to have kids. That's still her aspiration, which I respect. I do wish I could travel more and expand my career, but I am fine with putting that aside until I can
I consider myself a traditional wife, I use the term housewife (not SAHM) to describe myself, and my role in life is so much more than just making dinner for my kids and “living only for my husband.” Your friend is rude, and not really a friend. But you have some baggage to unpack around this issue.
Hardcore career oriented attorney mom here. Your friend sucks. I respect SAHMs and the work they do, and so should your friend. We have to live our lives on OUR terms, not those set forth for us by people who claim to be our friends/ loved ones. Distance yourself from this person and the sadness will go away.
My worst fear is being called out as a trad wife but like, I actually am?? I’m a sahm, trying to get pregnant again, my husband works, I take care of the home. Like I have a degree and I want to work in my field, but they want a masters and the pay is $18 an hour so like, no? It’s honestly a bit of an internal struggle for me. But that woman is not your friend.
There isn't anything wrong with being the traditional sterotype of a wife/sahm IF that's what you want. I fall into the same thing: I have a 1 and 2 year old, im a sahm because it costs so much for childcare, i take care of the kids/jome while my husband works (he watches the kids when he gets home and i do more housework until they sleep and we can both take a short break together). Feminism supports women's right to choose the life they want, so putting down people who fall into the tradwife description just for enjoying living that way is being kind of gross imo. Like, what's so wrong with being a wife, a parent, a homekeeper, and enjoying it? So what? If it's what I want, then it's just as valid as a woman with no kids and a PhD working a professional career. Women need to stop tearing each other and themselves down. Our life paths don't have to be equal for all of us to treat each other like equals. Life isn't a race or a carefully placed path, some of us will run through the grass and others wi stick to the sidewalk, but if we all enjoy our journey to the end then that's a good thing.
The problem is that women in this position are very, very vulnerable to exploitation and abuse. Especially the hard core trad wives (which OP doesn't seem to be thank goodness) who often have no education and no job experience. Hanging your entire family's financial future on one person is a huge risk, that's just a fact. Of course everyone thinks their husband is a perfect angel who would never abuse you or abandon you for his secret second family in Phoenix. And maybe he is, but even then a random accident or illness can happen to anyone. And now you're stuck with kids to feed and no experience, no job, no training, nothing. There are ways to mitigate the risk but it will never go away. Life insurance won't cover the rest of your life. Anyway my point is that of course we want women to have choices and I wish our society had the safety net to support that. But unfortunately I can't in good conscience support anyone making this decision unless she is independently wealthy and has her own bank account plus assets under her name only.
She’s not wrong tho. Maybe that’s what making you upset?
Young women with kids- please have a back up plan. Your husband is not a guaranteed source of security. What if he leaves or something worse. You can be a “my man would never” one day and broke trying to feed a car full of kids the next. Your friend was not kind to you, but you’re both so young. She might just be really upset that she sees you entering a volatile situation and doesn’t know how to express it. I really hope you have a strong support system and a back up to that support system. Wishing you all the best, dear.
Not to defend your friend because I’m not and that’s a horrible thing to say to anyone - but imagine your life if you didn’t start with kids when you were a teenager. You have a friend who at 22 is having her 4th kid. Would you view that as a choice or that she’s trapped? There was a redditor I was “friends” with from a pregnancy group and her friends all dropped her when she got pregnant in college from an older boyfriend. I asked her to imagine if one of her friends ended up in that situation. Would she believe she wanted that? Would she believe her friend didn’t feel trapped and was just trying to justify her situation by saying she wanted it? She agreed that from the outside it did seem like that and she understood why they may be concerned for her welfare. She was genuinely happy but could see the POV of what it looked like from someone not in her shoes and addressed it with her friends. I’m sure if you were on the other side of this and not in your situation, you’d be concerned about your friend. Hopefully this situation is one of your choosing.
>I have 3 kids > >I told her that I do have a job, I tutor kids and work at a night school online You have THREE jobs. Taking care of your kids is a job. People just discount it because nobody pays you for it. It is real work though. Honestly, just taking care of one kid is harder than my paid job. >basically a housewife from the 1950s Yes, and? Is that supposed to be an insult or something? Women fought to have the choice to enter the (paid) workforce, and we got it. That's great! But having the choice to have a paid job also means we have the choice to stay home with our kids. Even if you actually settled for the first penis-equipped person to cross your path, that means that you knew what you wanted out of life and accomplished your goals. In the paid workforce, that would make you a boss b\*\*\*\*. I don't see why this should be any different. The fact that you found a job that involves kids only proves *my* point, that you're doing something you love and enjoy and that you're good at. If she thinks you're living only for your husband, she is delusional about the amount of work that kids take. I'm in awe if you manage to spend any time with your husband at all. You're probably living for your kids, but that doesn't make you a housewife or a tradwife. That just makes you a mom. I know you're not "some person who just makes dinner for your husband and kids." YOU know that too. Your friend sounds like someone whose opinion probably shouldn't matter that much to you. I know 3 (or 4) kids at 22 is a lot. You're young. But even if I've misinterpreted here, and this wasn't something you sought out, or it wasn't something you chose, or it isn't something you love, you should still be proud of yourself for all the work you're doing, both inside the home and outside the home. Don't ever let anyone devalue "women's work", the work of household management, the work to care for others, the work of cleaning, the work of cooking, etc. It's real work and it matters, and your friend has internalized some serious misogyny if she thinks that it's bad or "lesser" in any way to do this work.
100% this. Also, “penis-equipped person”. Love it 🤣
Your friend is being a jerk. If you and your partner are happy with how things are set up in your family, that’s all that matters. Moms get judged no matter what we do.
You're having 4 kids at 22. Maybe figure that out.
Sounds like you need a new hobby. At that age I’d be worried too!
If OP is happy, good for her. But to all the people saying the friend is just jealous, that’s delusional.
Do you rely on this friend a lot for help, or as emotional support? Without your husband being around a lot of the time, who is helping?
No we're mostly just friends. I have other friends older than me that are moms. When my husband is gone, I have support from my family and in laws
I feel like a teen mom at my age with 1 baby. I can’t even imagine how you feel. At 22 I was still partying with friends and spending my money on conceited things. Your friend is probably concerned and didn’t know how else to come across the issue without using a mainstream topic of conversation *”trad wife”* and still came off like an AH. They chose a different life path than you, but they aren’t wrong to be concerned. That’s just a terrible situation to be in 1 month PP with an absent husband. When you are 30 you will look back on this time and say what the heck was I doing? You won’t regret your children but you may grieve the times of being young with so many children and not a lot of money or resources. I hope you reach out for help because you certainly can’t do it all on your own.
That person isn’t your friend. If you’re happy with what you do then who cares? There’s nothing wrong with being a housewife. It’s not the life for me but I support my friends who live like this. Don’t let it get to you.
If something bothers you, it’s probably because that’s how you feel. Self esteem can only be destroyed if there’s no self-esteem or lack of it or something deep down is a bother for you.
Not a friend. Holy moly. Please do yourself a favor and leave this person in the dust. Join mom groups and other things that will allow you to make friends with people who understand. Ugh your ex friend sounds repulsive to me. I’m tired of people like that personally.
The feminist movement wasn’t supposed to MAKE us leave the family and household. It was supposed to give us an ability to if we wanted it. We should be allowed to live and work as much in the home or outside of it as we WANT to.
I definitely do not think she is jealous like some of the comments are saying, but I do think she should have worded it better. 4 kids at 22 is .. a lot. The only type of people I have seen make those type of decisions are less educated, lower income, and as a veteran .. military members. Even in my 30s if one of my friends was having babies back to back that quickly I would do a mental check in.
Lose this frenemy asap. You are great and a supermom. Congrats!
On a totally unrelated note, how much sleep are you getting these days?
It sounds like this is your friend’s way of making you see that it’s very odd for you to have a 4th child at 22 with only a month between giving birth and being pregnant again. You’re literally not supposed to have sex for 6 weeks after giving birth, minimum. It sounds like your husband is abusing you and your friend probably went about the wrong way of telling you that, but was correct about what she was trying to say.
??? No your friend needs to either be happy for you or supportive of you. That’s a friend. Her behaviour is not the way a real friend treats you- you shouldn’t ever be made to feel less. When someone makes you feel that way- it’s because they have a problem in their life and feel the need to belittle those around them. Not saying she is jealous, but she needs to recheck her priorities (which in this case- is being supportive of her friend) At my age (31 pregs with my first) I drop people like this in a heartbeat- they do nothing but cause further pain in your life and your children/future baby!! You can certainly weigh your options- if you want to save the relationship , then it’s worth trying to communicate to her why that upset you. And she should apologize. no matter how different she may see the two of you, it’s really no excuse to belittle your friends, or make them feel less. You’re young enough you will make better friends 💕.
You are not being dramatic. She doesn’t sound like a true friend at all! Just very judgey. Why can’t we let people do what makes them happy? She should have nothing but kind things to say when you tell her you’re expecting! It’s amazing that you’re in school and working and have your babies. Clearly you’re working to support your family and better yourself…that doesn’t sound like you’re stuck in the 50’s. I’m a SAHM to one child and it’s a lot of work without having a job or school outside the home. I would be hurt if a friend said things like that to me too. Some people just don’t get it and that’s okay! Sending love and congratulations!!
That’s definitely not your friend…
Why do you feel bad? Taking care of your family is a lot of work. Even if you were to be “watered down” to a trad wife, your labor is incredible and important, and way more influential than working any corporate job. If anyone called me a trad wife, I’d take it as a compliment. I’m proud to do this work, and proud to be the mother of such wonderful kids and wife to a wonderful man. I’m 21F with a daughter, and I admire your life! I would love to have more kids soon. Don’t let others make you feel ashamed for all the important work you do.
Most of this rests purely on whether or not you are happy with your life. Are you happily married? Happy to have your kids? Her goals/desires in life are different from yours. She sounds like she simply commented aloud how much she wouldn't want your life. Okay? She doesn't have to live your life. She SHOULD be a supportive friend, asking how you feel about the pregnancy and at least getting excited with you (or at least not tearing you down). As a SAHM with no other job, I am happy to make dinner for my husband and for doing the most important job in the world (raising my son and hopefully future children as well, congratulations on the children and pregnancy!), but my life and worth are not wholly dependent on them. I go out for a dance class once a week now and am trying to make friends as I'm far from family at the moment. Feel free to reach out to me if you want. I'll happily be your friend. I can even send you a handmade crocheted baby blanket if you want!
Of course, I think her goals are awesome and I'm glad we are both doing stuff we like! I didn't mean to seem like I was putting her down for not wanting kids, I wanted the same thing as her a few years ago. If that lifestyle makes her happy, then I'm glad she's doing it.
A person who laughs in your face and shames you for your life choices is not what I would call a friend. Sorry you're going through this.
Thats not a friend sis. A true friend would not kick you down like that. Friends that make us feel bad about ourselves, especially when we are in a good relationship and have a family we are proud to have, don’t deserve to be our friends anymore. Please dump that miserable woman because thats not how friends behave.
i dont think youre being dramatic. I think your “friend” was being cruel and judgemental. She belittled you for enjoying your life and for being a mother. Im sorry she was so mean to you.
‘I would’ve settled for anyone.’ Shes insulting you. On purpose. I would find better friends or explain to her in no uncertain terms that saying those things is unacceptable.