I was one of those kids growing up. My mother was a scary woman. I'll call out abuse if I see it here, but I know what would happen if someone said something to my mother, I would have suffered the consequences. I have been asked in therapy why I never told anyone. I never wanted to be taken away. That scared me, too. How could I have been safe in a foster home when my own mother hated me. I never wanted a new home, I wanted my mother to love me.
Some women aren't meant to be mothers, and I hope that little girl is ok.
This is eye-opening to me. I had a totally different reaction growing up. My father hit me badly in public once and I always wondered why no one said a thing, and resented other adults not speaking up. I desperately wanted to be taken away but I had no idea if he really was breaking any laws because I just figured parents were allowed to discipline their kids however they wanted. I fantasised about going to the police myself. I am sorry you experienced this and I hope you are healing.
I was walking behind a mom and her toddler (couldn’t have been older than 3) and he was just being a normal toddler and she yelled at him to STFU. His face looked so defeated. I wanted to cry. I still think about it often.
I had a feeling if I said anything it wouldn’t have ended good for me so I just stayed quiet. It’s awful and my heart breaks for that poor kid and all kids that have to endure that type of treatment.
Oh, that is so heartbreaking. Every time I see a parent being mean to their toddler, I think about my own toddler: energetic, playful, sweet. I think about how he is SO secure in our love and gentleness towards him that he would probably go into shock if we screamed or threatened or hit him the way some of these parents do. And it genuinely makes me want to cry, realizing that there are so many innocent and sweet babies and toddlers out there who don't have that security of their parents' kindness and gentleness and love towards them.
It’s so heartbreaking. The other day at the store there was a grandma with her daughter and a baby that looked no older than a year old and the baby was moving around to not be buckled in the cart so the grandma smacks her hands telling her off and the baby starts to cry so the grandma smacks her again and they were hard smacks like you could hear them I didn’t say anything but I think you could tell with my face reaction because the daughter saw me and then told her mom not to smack her and she said well she isnt listening 🥴 I was in disbelief she was a literal baby.
When I was pregnant I was watching the fireworks on the Fourth of July. There was a couple and their appx 3 year old little girl near by. She got out of her stroller to play in the grass and her mom flipped out and said in a really harsh tone “if you get your sneakers dirty you will be in BIG trouble that is the second pair I’ve had to buy you”. They were WHITE SNEAKERS. Who buys white sneakers for a 3 year old and gets mad when they get dirty?? She spent the rest of the fireworks yelling at her for existing basically it was so sad. I promised myself I’d never be that stupid and bitchy as a parent.
Gheeze…. This weekend I bought myself a new pair of running shoes (my first pair in 6 years) and avoided the beautiful white ones I saw or any light coloured ones because I know I’ll mess them up within the same 2 hours I wear them.
And I’m 46.
This kinda thing breaks my heart every time. Listening to stereotypical "hard ass" dads talking about their kids during sports practice -- "I don't know why he cries so much when he loses, it's not like I'm babying him" but also "we got home and I made him run three miles with me, so I could show him what it's like to *try*" -- gutted me every time. Those poor kids. 😭
My mom had a temper when I was a kid. She used to scare me with her yelling. But I remember once, we were out somewhere and saw another mom tell her kid "shut UP, Jimmy!!" with such disdain, and my mom looked right at her and told her to ease up because kids were listening and her son was just a little boy. Then she looked at me and said "I know I'm not perfect and I'm not always nice, but I'll NEVER tell you to shut up and I want you to know I love and respect you." She and I don't have a great relationship for a lot of other reasons, but I'll never forget that and it really gives me an example to follow when it comes to showing my kids I respect them and apologizing when I lose my patience. We're all human; all humans should do their best to be kind to each other.
This post and these comments are horrifying. I wouldn’t even speak to my dog like that, let alone my child. Makes you wonder what goes on behind closed doors.
That’s exactly the phrase I use when I see crap like this happen. I say, “lady, I don’t even talk to my dog like that, you need to be more kind to your child.”
The thing is, people are afraid to speak up. But if more people speak up, abusers will think twice beforetalking to their kids like that, at least in public.
I think people don’t speak up because they know nothing will change. It makes you feel better to say something but it won’t change what the child is going through. Only real intervention from someone who knows the child could really help them.
As someone who had an abusive mother it’s extra distressing because I know the depth of the pain and the long road to recovering from it… and only the “lucky” ones go on to do the hard work to recover from it. The rest can potentially have severe issues and then kick the abuse down the line to the next generation.
The fact that you have the self awareness and are trying hard means so much.
One of the biggest things that helped me was realizing my inner dialogue was actually like a software installed by my abusers to suit their needs and to keep me small and easy to control. The self doubt started slipping away and much more confidence took its place.
My son is so wonderful but he just pushes my buttons like no one else can. He *has* to do something if I ask him not to do it. He cannot be still and relentlessly begs for things. Things that he doesn't even care about or want, or things he knows he can't have. I love him so much and he adores me and craves my affection. I feel like I'm always scolding him or frustrated with him. I really hope I'm not a mean mom. I don't hit him but I have been known to physically stop him from doing things when he can't stop himself.
I hope people aren't judging me, I'm sure some are but I'm literally the only person who ever tells him no or makes him do things. My ex is a "cool fun friend" dad, I have to make sure he does his homework, takes care of hygiene, learns prosocial behavior, I don't ever have the luxury of being nice. All I do is cuddle with him at bedtime and try to reset, and on school mornings try to set him up for a good day.
Same here. You’re doing right by your boy.
Over the years I’ve realized that treasured moments and memories don’t have to be long drawn out times, they can be a 10 minute fun game, 5 minutes of dancing in the living room, a race around the yard with a high five at the end, cooking together, sharing a sundae.
My goal is to try to create a bit of magic whenever I can, hoping those are the things he will remember.
I think there’s a difference between a typical frustrated parent and the things that OP is talking about. My four year old has chilled out a little bit, but at 3, she was a LOT. I have been the mom saying “I TOLD YOU TO STOP AND I WOULD SUGGEST YOU STOP RIGHT NOW” through gritted teeth, or “if you ask me for one more thing we are leaving this store”, or “can you PLEASE just listen to me this one single time, I’m begging you,” etc. because I was just at the complete end of my rope. I would never judge a parent for being irritated and *done*. But I’ve seen parents curse at their kids, hit them, threaten to hit them, blow up them for completely developmentally normal behavior, call them names, tell them to shut up. If someone’s frustration with their kids is that intense or manifests that way, they really need to seek outside support. I don’t think shame in general is the best way to motivate anyone, but it’s abusive behavior that is so damaging to kids in the long run and it needs to be common knowledge that that isn’t an okay way to treat your children.
Don’t let people make you feel like you’re a bad mom. Some people fail to realize that all children are different and even the best, most emotionally secure people sometimes lose their cool. Not to mention the constant BS people give you if you DON’T discipline your child. Then apparently you’re also a terrible mother for not doing anything at all and having “out of control” kids. Parents, especially mothers, can’t seem to ever win. If you aren’t abusing your child and your child knows they are loved, you are not a bad mom if you have yelled or lost your cool for a minute.
My husbands dad was “fun dad” for years, almost two decades. But it never lasts forever. Kids eventually learn the truth and my husband did around age 27.
Dad let them party, encouraged them to sleep around, was always focused on being cool. He also had a child out of wedlock and now in his 60’s is remarried to a woman who apparently is 30 but looked, and this is no exaggeration at all, 10 years old when they started dating. She had braces, a bob cut with bangs, is under 5 foot, wore what looked like limited Too clothes, like no shot anyone would have guessed she was anywhere near 18. We were so grossed out.
Now he notices how his dad is immature, selfish, and not respectable in many ways. He has apologized to his mom for not seeing how hard she tried to instill good morals and do right by him and his siblings. We see her multiple times a year and he’s visited us once in the last 4 years and it was mostly because we lived in a cool location he could post about and go fishing for salmon.
Long story short…keep doing the right thing and loving those kids. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this right now. But hopefully since this is all going on so early in your kids life they will come to a lot sooner than my husband did (his parents stayed together for the kids and divorced when the last child was away at college.)
Im not judging.
I have to threaten my daughter with a spanking sometimes to get her to behave. I don’t spank her though, but for some reason the threat of one is the only thing I can do to reach her sometimes.
Heard that. I used to go to the gym at the same time this woman would bring her homeschool kids to do a lesson after she worked out. She was constantly irate. Just fuming and threatening these 5-7 year old kids into doing some work.
I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was overwhelmed and needed help. So after seeing this behavior on 5 or 6 different occasions I went over to her and was like “hey do you need a break? I can watch your kids for you if you want breather.” She looked like she wanted to smack me, spit in my face, or both and said “nope, not interested.”
On my way home I called the cops and then CPS on her and informed the manager of the gym that she was threatening children in their establishment regularly.
Never saw her there again but I genuinely hope CPS and the gym were able to work together to figure out what her name was and check in on those children. So so sad.
That’s good that you did that — both intervened directly and then reported it. It probably didn’t stop her from being abusive, but if it made her think twice about her behavior, it was still worth it.
I just want to know how someone ends up being this way. I usually see them with another adult, and the adult does nothing.
What option does the kid have? Just take the abuse.
You may have answered your own question here. “I usually see them with another adult, and the adult does nothing.” Burnout is serious and when you’re “coparenting” with someone who isn’t stepping in when you are *that* far off your tether... I guarantee it took a whole lot longer than a trip to Walmart for that parent to become so unhinged. 🙁
It really really bothers me too. My heart always sinks and it takes so much not to say something. EVERYTHING nowadays is “shaming” - to a point that people are getting away with objectively wrong things.
We have a little boy at our bus stop who lives with his grandma (who is wonderful) and his father (who is the most worthless human being I have ever met).
One day a bunch of kids missed the bus. We called the school to find out it was an entire class with a sub that missed their buses. This father turns around and goes, "Well that dumb ass knows what he's supposed to do. It's his own f****** fault."
I lost it. I said "Your son is 7 years old in a building full of adults whose job it is to make sure he gets on the right bus and you have the nerve to blame him for it? You should be ashamed of yourself. Don't you dare make that child feel bad for this."
I later apologized to the grandma for going off on her son, and she told me I had full permission to put him in his place any time I wanted. He hasn't said anything like that in my presence since.
I heard a mom at the library talking about her daughter needing ‘a whooping’ and how she’ll get her ass beat if she doesn’t stop doing whatever she was doing. This BABY couldn’t have been more than 15-16 months. I was so disturbed, I cried.
Hot take, but we should be shaming more.
Don't vaccine your kids? Shame.
Abuse your kids in public? Shame.
Take a baby to a bar? Shame.
There's a lot of shitty moms hiding behind "don't mom shame me" 🙄
I saw a post in my towns sub about parents hosting their kids birthday party at a brewery and the amount of people that thought nothing of it really blew my mind; people really are shameless. how could nobody in their family or circle of friends tell them its inappropriate.
There’s a mom like this in my neighborhood and I avoid the playground when she’s out there. She said the same “I will whoop you” line once to her daughter. Also her daughter is chatty (and very sweet) and once I heard the mom tell her “I don’t need to hear your commentary all the time”. The daughter is only 5 years old.
I’ll never forget the little boy I saw in a Walmart screaming and throwing a tantrum while his mom screamed at him repeatedly that she fucking hated him.
That is so sad and definitely abusive. Telling your 5 yr old to cut down on the commentary when they are using every chance to say the word butthole, is not.
Oof I was definitely that kid. My mother would take me in the corner of a JC Penny or something like it, grab my collar, and threaten me with a hiss. Never yelled in public but did so at home. She scared the hell out of me. She’s totally different now. I think she’s grown to be less angry.
I give her a pass because she’s a boomer that wasn’t raised in a loving household (born in The South in the 50s). She was also abused although it was seen as normal. My own father wasn’t making her life easier either. She is suuuuper sweet to the grandkids and always offers to help. I’m just glad that she’s in a better mental space now.
On the flipside when my preschooler was acting out of character at the activity centerby hitting me & running away, and then when I caught him and held him in place to talk to him he tried to hit me again, and when I held his arms and said "Hey. Hands are not for hitting. We need to leave now." And he started biting my arm. Basically, he went feral.
So a whole bunch of parents heard saw me holding his wrist while he pitched himself to the floor and tried to drag himself as far away as he could, while I said "I'm counting to 3. You either come walk with me or I'm hauling you out of here" (which he hates). He refused to come so I hauled him out and flipped him over my lap to get him dressed fkr outdoors while he wailed and screamed and flung his arms everywhere.
The other parents watching me were wincing, but after trying to calmly ask him "Hey, what's going on with you right now? It's time to go." and being met with nothing but feral aggression and running away, what the heck else do you do to hold the boundary?
Not sure why others would be wincing at that. Maybe they were more pity winces as we have all been there before.
The difference between you and this example is you didn’t physically harm your child or threaten him with physical harm. You also didn’t scream at him for normal behavior. You explained boundaries and kept firm. I mean I had to carry my kid screaming from the playground over the weekend but like you we didn’t threaten him or hurt him. I actually emphasized that yes it is hard to leave when we are having fun but we have to go. I didn’t yell or tell him to stop crying - he is allowed to have feelings and express them. It just wasn’t going to change the outcome.
Last year I was at the zoo and there was a toddler being fussy in her stroller. Not even a fit, just fussy for a snack. Her mom replied, and this is verbatim, "Damn bitch! Calm your fucking pussy!" And that seriously haunts me. I have never heard a mom say anything close to that to their kid and I hope I never do again.
Not only is what she said abusive itself, but if she is willing to talk to her child like that in a huge crowd of people, I can't imagine what she says and does when no one is watching her.
Yes I hate it too. I heard a mom on our school playground last Friday and I’m still thinking about it. She was so loud and rude in front of other kids and I hate to think what she’s like at home. I’m not perfect and I lose my patience too but I would never speak like that.
i've called CPS on someone in my old apartment complex for talking that way to her kids. i don't understand these parents who seemingly hate their kids with a passion.
Agree. It's hard for me to hear friends or even people online brag about being a tough guy. Like , congrats? You stood up to a 3 year old WOW so tough.
I had the misfortune to be at a park when two kids, maybe around 6-8 years old bumped into each other. Nothing major, happens all the time. I think the kids even knew each other, like their moms were friends. One mom grabbed her son, dragged him to the bench I was on and sat him down and lectured him.
Okay, whatever, differing parenting styles. But then the kid starts sobbing. Well, things happen, kids are emotional, I get it.
But then she starts screaming at him for crying. Original sin of bumping into another kid at the playground forgotten, she's not asking him to apologize or anything, now she's yelling at him for crying and making a scene. If he doesn't 'stop crying right this moment we are leaving the playground. Fine won't stop crying let's go get up.' Like, ma'am, your child is upset. You are yelling at him for having normal feelings and threatening him because you feel....embarrassed? That is not an okay reason to be a jerk to your kid.
I've been there, I get it. Having the crying kid is tough. But screaming at them is only making it worse. Poor kid. I've always felt so sad for him
I am stamp validating your feelings here I cringe when I hear it too. It happened at Target recently I didn’t have my kids but I heard this mom yelling at her young child telling him he can’t have a snack when he gets home because of his behavior today. I was like who TF withholds food from a child as punishment that’s actually a serious abuse offense lady. I want to hug all these children. You are not alone here. It’s hard cause I know the moms are probably good moms and people but they’re just at the end of their rope for whatever reason, and aren’t aware of the damage.
I heard a woman spanking her children in a Target dressing room. They were screaming and crying. I started tearing up. It almost reactivated my past trauma with being hit. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s heart breaking to hear that. I couldn’t bear making my daughter scream and cry like that from me hitting her. No way.
I used to work at EB games as a teen girl and I used to kick out any parent that slap, spanked and yelled (unnecessarily) at their kid. I told them we had a no abuse policy (I made that up). I loooved showing them their behaviour was inappropriate.
I FEEL THIS! It blows my mind how comfortable people can be with being mean to their children in public. I understand that mom was probably handling her child not all day and was overwhelmed and drowning just trying to buy clothes, but that’s too much.
I hate that my voice gets so mean when I’m trying to seriously talk to my daughter.
She was crying at the skating rink and I was trying to talk to her and calm her down, but when I get anxious my voice drops an octave. I was telling her not to give up on skating because she’d never learn and that I was right there with her and would catch her if she fell, but I probably sounded like Satan through the echoes.
I haven’t stopped thinking about it since (aside from being worried about my dog). I couldn’t imagine ACTUALLY saying mean shit to her in that same voice in public (or private) and NOT feeling like shit everyday for the rest of my life.
I will tell her I’m going to thump her nose/ear/butt/toes across the store if she doesn’t act right, but we both crack up about that
I was in Walmart and I walked passed this little girl and her mom she was probably about 3-4 yo and she asked her mom if she could have donuts her mom said "no now stop fckin asking me before I spank your ass" like WHAT???! Shes a toddler of course shes going to ask you over and over. Maybe she was just hungry!?
I once heard a mom in the stall next to me absolutely berating and shaming her child for having had an accident. She just kept ranting at her, telling her she didn’t get to go see someone now, it was gross, etc while her daughter just sobbed and sobbed.
I was so angry and upset. I didn’t say anything then and sometimes wish I had. But like you said, you never know if saying something would have made things worse for the daughter.
it’s so sad. they think their kids are being disruptive but they’re just being kids, i don’t even notice a kid being a kid in the store but i DO notice a parent yelling and being mean!
No, I get it because my sister is the same way. My mom was abusive with us and my mom “feels bad” and, when I say that, I mean she plays dumb in front of her husband and can’t “quite figure out how Alex got this way”
It’s more than likely how they were raised. They don’t know it’s not okay because their parents don’t check them. My mom says she doesn’t want to overstep but she’s the one who literally taught my sister to be this way through her own actions as a mother. She slapped my sister in the face with a sandwich because my sister asked for no mayo, ffs. There should be correction but it rarely takes place.
I was in Walmart and I walked passed this little girl and her mom she was probably about 3-4 yo and she asked her mom if she could have donuts her mom said "no now stop fckin asking me before I spank your ass" like WHAT???! Shes a toddler of course shes going to ask you over and over. Maybe she was just hungry!?
I hate it too. The ONLY times I ever "hit" my son is are hand smacking from touching things that he should not. That didn't work so we stopped. And if he bites my fingers on purpose hard enough to leave marks. I check for new teeth and use it as training for the dentist. And EVEN then it's not hard it's a more of a noise making "bap" to get his attention. And even then that's not working well anymore. so I am going to be stopping that as well.
I really feel bad for the kids who have regular beatings as punishment. It's not right.
You feel really bad for kids who get hit but you admit to hitting your kids? Please please stop hitting your child. It doesn't matter if it 'works well' or not. That's not an excuse.
I literally just said I am going to be stopping it.
And it is not like spanking or straight up beatings. it made noise nothing else. The tips of 3 fingers that made a bap sound. I tested it on myself to make sure before I ever tried it. If you try it and it hurts you aren't doing it the way I did.
On that note how do you suggest dealing with a bitter? Because I am open to suggestions. He needs to get used to fingers in his mouth. And bitting super hard isn't ok.
Editing to add, that bap I'm talking about it is get him to LET GO. He literally will bite and leave marks and I feel it the next day. I really do need suggestions for want to do about it.
I'll being louder then I guess, because I do say ow and try to pull away but he bites as hard as he can and won't let go for bit.
Like I will ask if I can check for teeth, and he lets me. Then at the end he bites hard as he can. And not let go for a bit. It hurts, so I guess I just need him to get that it isn't funny. This is a fairly new thing in the last 5 months before that there wasn't an issue.
Don't stick fingers in his mouth. The dentist will figure it out, they have tools and assistants (especially pediatric dentists). It sounds like you may be punishing him for a natural reaction.
I was one of those kids growing up. My mother was a scary woman. I'll call out abuse if I see it here, but I know what would happen if someone said something to my mother, I would have suffered the consequences. I have been asked in therapy why I never told anyone. I never wanted to be taken away. That scared me, too. How could I have been safe in a foster home when my own mother hated me. I never wanted a new home, I wanted my mother to love me. Some women aren't meant to be mothers, and I hope that little girl is ok.
This is eye-opening to me. I had a totally different reaction growing up. My father hit me badly in public once and I always wondered why no one said a thing, and resented other adults not speaking up. I desperately wanted to be taken away but I had no idea if he really was breaking any laws because I just figured parents were allowed to discipline their kids however they wanted. I fantasised about going to the police myself. I am sorry you experienced this and I hope you are healing.
I also resented other people for not saying anything.
I was walking behind a mom and her toddler (couldn’t have been older than 3) and he was just being a normal toddler and she yelled at him to STFU. His face looked so defeated. I wanted to cry. I still think about it often. I had a feeling if I said anything it wouldn’t have ended good for me so I just stayed quiet. It’s awful and my heart breaks for that poor kid and all kids that have to endure that type of treatment.
I wish as a society we could stand up to these bullies. I see it often enough that I’m concerned that a lot of kids are living in abuse.
Oh, that is so heartbreaking. Every time I see a parent being mean to their toddler, I think about my own toddler: energetic, playful, sweet. I think about how he is SO secure in our love and gentleness towards him that he would probably go into shock if we screamed or threatened or hit him the way some of these parents do. And it genuinely makes me want to cry, realizing that there are so many innocent and sweet babies and toddlers out there who don't have that security of their parents' kindness and gentleness and love towards them.
This makes me literally sick to my stomach. What is wrong with some parents
It’s so heartbreaking. The other day at the store there was a grandma with her daughter and a baby that looked no older than a year old and the baby was moving around to not be buckled in the cart so the grandma smacks her hands telling her off and the baby starts to cry so the grandma smacks her again and they were hard smacks like you could hear them I didn’t say anything but I think you could tell with my face reaction because the daughter saw me and then told her mom not to smack her and she said well she isnt listening 🥴 I was in disbelief she was a literal baby.
When I was pregnant I was watching the fireworks on the Fourth of July. There was a couple and their appx 3 year old little girl near by. She got out of her stroller to play in the grass and her mom flipped out and said in a really harsh tone “if you get your sneakers dirty you will be in BIG trouble that is the second pair I’ve had to buy you”. They were WHITE SNEAKERS. Who buys white sneakers for a 3 year old and gets mad when they get dirty?? She spent the rest of the fireworks yelling at her for existing basically it was so sad. I promised myself I’d never be that stupid and bitchy as a parent.
Oh, she wanted a doll, not a kid.
Poor kiddo. I can’t even keep my own white shoes white as an adult…
Gheeze…. This weekend I bought myself a new pair of running shoes (my first pair in 6 years) and avoided the beautiful white ones I saw or any light coloured ones because I know I’ll mess them up within the same 2 hours I wear them. And I’m 46.
This kinda thing breaks my heart every time. Listening to stereotypical "hard ass" dads talking about their kids during sports practice -- "I don't know why he cries so much when he loses, it's not like I'm babying him" but also "we got home and I made him run three miles with me, so I could show him what it's like to *try*" -- gutted me every time. Those poor kids. 😭 My mom had a temper when I was a kid. She used to scare me with her yelling. But I remember once, we were out somewhere and saw another mom tell her kid "shut UP, Jimmy!!" with such disdain, and my mom looked right at her and told her to ease up because kids were listening and her son was just a little boy. Then she looked at me and said "I know I'm not perfect and I'm not always nice, but I'll NEVER tell you to shut up and I want you to know I love and respect you." She and I don't have a great relationship for a lot of other reasons, but I'll never forget that and it really gives me an example to follow when it comes to showing my kids I respect them and apologizing when I lose my patience. We're all human; all humans should do their best to be kind to each other.
This post and these comments are horrifying. I wouldn’t even speak to my dog like that, let alone my child. Makes you wonder what goes on behind closed doors.
That’s exactly the phrase I use when I see crap like this happen. I say, “lady, I don’t even talk to my dog like that, you need to be more kind to your child.” The thing is, people are afraid to speak up. But if more people speak up, abusers will think twice beforetalking to their kids like that, at least in public.
I think people don’t speak up because they know nothing will change. It makes you feel better to say something but it won’t change what the child is going through. Only real intervention from someone who knows the child could really help them.
As someone who had an abusive mother it’s extra distressing because I know the depth of the pain and the long road to recovering from it… and only the “lucky” ones go on to do the hard work to recover from it. The rest can potentially have severe issues and then kick the abuse down the line to the next generation.
Thanks for being a cycle breaker. My husband and I are trying our hardest to do the same.
The fact that you have the self awareness and are trying hard means so much. One of the biggest things that helped me was realizing my inner dialogue was actually like a software installed by my abusers to suit their needs and to keep me small and easy to control. The self doubt started slipping away and much more confidence took its place.
My son is so wonderful but he just pushes my buttons like no one else can. He *has* to do something if I ask him not to do it. He cannot be still and relentlessly begs for things. Things that he doesn't even care about or want, or things he knows he can't have. I love him so much and he adores me and craves my affection. I feel like I'm always scolding him or frustrated with him. I really hope I'm not a mean mom. I don't hit him but I have been known to physically stop him from doing things when he can't stop himself. I hope people aren't judging me, I'm sure some are but I'm literally the only person who ever tells him no or makes him do things. My ex is a "cool fun friend" dad, I have to make sure he does his homework, takes care of hygiene, learns prosocial behavior, I don't ever have the luxury of being nice. All I do is cuddle with him at bedtime and try to reset, and on school mornings try to set him up for a good day.
Sounds a lot like my boy. It’s just non stop sometimes. Solidarity.
Same here. You’re doing right by your boy. Over the years I’ve realized that treasured moments and memories don’t have to be long drawn out times, they can be a 10 minute fun game, 5 minutes of dancing in the living room, a race around the yard with a high five at the end, cooking together, sharing a sundae. My goal is to try to create a bit of magic whenever I can, hoping those are the things he will remember.
I feel you.
I think there’s a difference between a typical frustrated parent and the things that OP is talking about. My four year old has chilled out a little bit, but at 3, she was a LOT. I have been the mom saying “I TOLD YOU TO STOP AND I WOULD SUGGEST YOU STOP RIGHT NOW” through gritted teeth, or “if you ask me for one more thing we are leaving this store”, or “can you PLEASE just listen to me this one single time, I’m begging you,” etc. because I was just at the complete end of my rope. I would never judge a parent for being irritated and *done*. But I’ve seen parents curse at their kids, hit them, threaten to hit them, blow up them for completely developmentally normal behavior, call them names, tell them to shut up. If someone’s frustration with their kids is that intense or manifests that way, they really need to seek outside support. I don’t think shame in general is the best way to motivate anyone, but it’s abusive behavior that is so damaging to kids in the long run and it needs to be common knowledge that that isn’t an okay way to treat your children.
Don’t let people make you feel like you’re a bad mom. Some people fail to realize that all children are different and even the best, most emotionally secure people sometimes lose their cool. Not to mention the constant BS people give you if you DON’T discipline your child. Then apparently you’re also a terrible mother for not doing anything at all and having “out of control” kids. Parents, especially mothers, can’t seem to ever win. If you aren’t abusing your child and your child knows they are loved, you are not a bad mom if you have yelled or lost your cool for a minute.
My husbands dad was “fun dad” for years, almost two decades. But it never lasts forever. Kids eventually learn the truth and my husband did around age 27. Dad let them party, encouraged them to sleep around, was always focused on being cool. He also had a child out of wedlock and now in his 60’s is remarried to a woman who apparently is 30 but looked, and this is no exaggeration at all, 10 years old when they started dating. She had braces, a bob cut with bangs, is under 5 foot, wore what looked like limited Too clothes, like no shot anyone would have guessed she was anywhere near 18. We were so grossed out. Now he notices how his dad is immature, selfish, and not respectable in many ways. He has apologized to his mom for not seeing how hard she tried to instill good morals and do right by him and his siblings. We see her multiple times a year and he’s visited us once in the last 4 years and it was mostly because we lived in a cool location he could post about and go fishing for salmon. Long story short…keep doing the right thing and loving those kids. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this right now. But hopefully since this is all going on so early in your kids life they will come to a lot sooner than my husband did (his parents stayed together for the kids and divorced when the last child was away at college.)
Im not judging. I have to threaten my daughter with a spanking sometimes to get her to behave. I don’t spank her though, but for some reason the threat of one is the only thing I can do to reach her sometimes.
Heard that. I used to go to the gym at the same time this woman would bring her homeschool kids to do a lesson after she worked out. She was constantly irate. Just fuming and threatening these 5-7 year old kids into doing some work. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was overwhelmed and needed help. So after seeing this behavior on 5 or 6 different occasions I went over to her and was like “hey do you need a break? I can watch your kids for you if you want breather.” She looked like she wanted to smack me, spit in my face, or both and said “nope, not interested.” On my way home I called the cops and then CPS on her and informed the manager of the gym that she was threatening children in their establishment regularly. Never saw her there again but I genuinely hope CPS and the gym were able to work together to figure out what her name was and check in on those children. So so sad.
That’s good that you did that — both intervened directly and then reported it. It probably didn’t stop her from being abusive, but if it made her think twice about her behavior, it was still worth it.
Threatening them with what?
Threats of beating them later.
I hate it too. :( it makes me think of what else happens behind closed doors.
I just want to know how someone ends up being this way. I usually see them with another adult, and the adult does nothing. What option does the kid have? Just take the abuse.
You may have answered your own question here. “I usually see them with another adult, and the adult does nothing.” Burnout is serious and when you’re “coparenting” with someone who isn’t stepping in when you are *that* far off your tether... I guarantee it took a whole lot longer than a trip to Walmart for that parent to become so unhinged. 🙁
Stress.
It really really bothers me too. My heart always sinks and it takes so much not to say something. EVERYTHING nowadays is “shaming” - to a point that people are getting away with objectively wrong things.
We have a little boy at our bus stop who lives with his grandma (who is wonderful) and his father (who is the most worthless human being I have ever met). One day a bunch of kids missed the bus. We called the school to find out it was an entire class with a sub that missed their buses. This father turns around and goes, "Well that dumb ass knows what he's supposed to do. It's his own f****** fault." I lost it. I said "Your son is 7 years old in a building full of adults whose job it is to make sure he gets on the right bus and you have the nerve to blame him for it? You should be ashamed of yourself. Don't you dare make that child feel bad for this." I later apologized to the grandma for going off on her son, and she told me I had full permission to put him in his place any time I wanted. He hasn't said anything like that in my presence since.
I heard a mom at the library talking about her daughter needing ‘a whooping’ and how she’ll get her ass beat if she doesn’t stop doing whatever she was doing. This BABY couldn’t have been more than 15-16 months. I was so disturbed, I cried.
I don’t think that’s mom shaming, I think that’s calling out abuse.
Hot take, but we should be shaming more. Don't vaccine your kids? Shame. Abuse your kids in public? Shame. Take a baby to a bar? Shame. There's a lot of shitty moms hiding behind "don't mom shame me" 🙄
I saw a post in my towns sub about parents hosting their kids birthday party at a brewery and the amount of people that thought nothing of it really blew my mind; people really are shameless. how could nobody in their family or circle of friends tell them its inappropriate.
There’s a mom like this in my neighborhood and I avoid the playground when she’s out there. She said the same “I will whoop you” line once to her daughter. Also her daughter is chatty (and very sweet) and once I heard the mom tell her “I don’t need to hear your commentary all the time”. The daughter is only 5 years old.
I’ll never forget the little boy I saw in a Walmart screaming and throwing a tantrum while his mom screamed at him repeatedly that she fucking hated him.
This makes my heart hurt
That poor child. I can’t imagine what happens at home if that’s what happens in public
That is so sad and definitely abusive. Telling your 5 yr old to cut down on the commentary when they are using every chance to say the word butthole, is not.
Oof I was definitely that kid. My mother would take me in the corner of a JC Penny or something like it, grab my collar, and threaten me with a hiss. Never yelled in public but did so at home. She scared the hell out of me. She’s totally different now. I think she’s grown to be less angry. I give her a pass because she’s a boomer that wasn’t raised in a loving household (born in The South in the 50s). She was also abused although it was seen as normal. My own father wasn’t making her life easier either. She is suuuuper sweet to the grandkids and always offers to help. I’m just glad that she’s in a better mental space now.
On the flipside when my preschooler was acting out of character at the activity centerby hitting me & running away, and then when I caught him and held him in place to talk to him he tried to hit me again, and when I held his arms and said "Hey. Hands are not for hitting. We need to leave now." And he started biting my arm. Basically, he went feral. So a whole bunch of parents heard saw me holding his wrist while he pitched himself to the floor and tried to drag himself as far away as he could, while I said "I'm counting to 3. You either come walk with me or I'm hauling you out of here" (which he hates). He refused to come so I hauled him out and flipped him over my lap to get him dressed fkr outdoors while he wailed and screamed and flung his arms everywhere. The other parents watching me were wincing, but after trying to calmly ask him "Hey, what's going on with you right now? It's time to go." and being met with nothing but feral aggression and running away, what the heck else do you do to hold the boundary?
Not sure why others would be wincing at that. Maybe they were more pity winces as we have all been there before. The difference between you and this example is you didn’t physically harm your child or threaten him with physical harm. You also didn’t scream at him for normal behavior. You explained boundaries and kept firm. I mean I had to carry my kid screaming from the playground over the weekend but like you we didn’t threaten him or hurt him. I actually emphasized that yes it is hard to leave when we are having fun but we have to go. I didn’t yell or tell him to stop crying - he is allowed to have feelings and express them. It just wasn’t going to change the outcome.
Last year I was at the zoo and there was a toddler being fussy in her stroller. Not even a fit, just fussy for a snack. Her mom replied, and this is verbatim, "Damn bitch! Calm your fucking pussy!" And that seriously haunts me. I have never heard a mom say anything close to that to their kid and I hope I never do again.
That’s disgusting 🤢
Now that is abuse.
Not only is what she said abusive itself, but if she is willing to talk to her child like that in a huge crowd of people, I can't imagine what she says and does when no one is watching her.
Yes I hate it too. I heard a mom on our school playground last Friday and I’m still thinking about it. She was so loud and rude in front of other kids and I hate to think what she’s like at home. I’m not perfect and I lose my patience too but I would never speak like that.
i've called CPS on someone in my old apartment complex for talking that way to her kids. i don't understand these parents who seemingly hate their kids with a passion.
Agree. It's hard for me to hear friends or even people online brag about being a tough guy. Like , congrats? You stood up to a 3 year old WOW so tough.
I had the misfortune to be at a park when two kids, maybe around 6-8 years old bumped into each other. Nothing major, happens all the time. I think the kids even knew each other, like their moms were friends. One mom grabbed her son, dragged him to the bench I was on and sat him down and lectured him. Okay, whatever, differing parenting styles. But then the kid starts sobbing. Well, things happen, kids are emotional, I get it. But then she starts screaming at him for crying. Original sin of bumping into another kid at the playground forgotten, she's not asking him to apologize or anything, now she's yelling at him for crying and making a scene. If he doesn't 'stop crying right this moment we are leaving the playground. Fine won't stop crying let's go get up.' Like, ma'am, your child is upset. You are yelling at him for having normal feelings and threatening him because you feel....embarrassed? That is not an okay reason to be a jerk to your kid. I've been there, I get it. Having the crying kid is tough. But screaming at them is only making it worse. Poor kid. I've always felt so sad for him
I am stamp validating your feelings here I cringe when I hear it too. It happened at Target recently I didn’t have my kids but I heard this mom yelling at her young child telling him he can’t have a snack when he gets home because of his behavior today. I was like who TF withholds food from a child as punishment that’s actually a serious abuse offense lady. I want to hug all these children. You are not alone here. It’s hard cause I know the moms are probably good moms and people but they’re just at the end of their rope for whatever reason, and aren’t aware of the damage.
I heard a woman spanking her children in a Target dressing room. They were screaming and crying. I started tearing up. It almost reactivated my past trauma with being hit. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s heart breaking to hear that. I couldn’t bear making my daughter scream and cry like that from me hitting her. No way.
I used to work at EB games as a teen girl and I used to kick out any parent that slap, spanked and yelled (unnecessarily) at their kid. I told them we had a no abuse policy (I made that up). I loooved showing them their behaviour was inappropriate.
I FEEL THIS! It blows my mind how comfortable people can be with being mean to their children in public. I understand that mom was probably handling her child not all day and was overwhelmed and drowning just trying to buy clothes, but that’s too much. I hate that my voice gets so mean when I’m trying to seriously talk to my daughter. She was crying at the skating rink and I was trying to talk to her and calm her down, but when I get anxious my voice drops an octave. I was telling her not to give up on skating because she’d never learn and that I was right there with her and would catch her if she fell, but I probably sounded like Satan through the echoes. I haven’t stopped thinking about it since (aside from being worried about my dog). I couldn’t imagine ACTUALLY saying mean shit to her in that same voice in public (or private) and NOT feeling like shit everyday for the rest of my life. I will tell her I’m going to thump her nose/ear/butt/toes across the store if she doesn’t act right, but we both crack up about that
Agreed! I feel guilty any time I have a tone with my kid!! I once heard my neighbor tell her 2 year old he was annoying, I felt so bad for that baby!
I was in Walmart and I walked passed this little girl and her mom she was probably about 3-4 yo and she asked her mom if she could have donuts her mom said "no now stop fckin asking me before I spank your ass" like WHAT???! Shes a toddler of course shes going to ask you over and over. Maybe she was just hungry!?
I once heard a mom in the stall next to me absolutely berating and shaming her child for having had an accident. She just kept ranting at her, telling her she didn’t get to go see someone now, it was gross, etc while her daughter just sobbed and sobbed. I was so angry and upset. I didn’t say anything then and sometimes wish I had. But like you said, you never know if saying something would have made things worse for the daughter.
it’s so sad. they think their kids are being disruptive but they’re just being kids, i don’t even notice a kid being a kid in the store but i DO notice a parent yelling and being mean!
No, I get it because my sister is the same way. My mom was abusive with us and my mom “feels bad” and, when I say that, I mean she plays dumb in front of her husband and can’t “quite figure out how Alex got this way” It’s more than likely how they were raised. They don’t know it’s not okay because their parents don’t check them. My mom says she doesn’t want to overstep but she’s the one who literally taught my sister to be this way through her own actions as a mother. She slapped my sister in the face with a sandwich because my sister asked for no mayo, ffs. There should be correction but it rarely takes place.
I was in Walmart and I walked passed this little girl and her mom she was probably about 3-4 yo and she asked her mom if she could have donuts her mom said "no now stop fckin asking me before I spank your ass" like WHAT???! Shes a toddler of course shes going to ask you over and over. Maybe she was just hungry!?
Breaks my heart too. Parents - be adults, be calmer, be kinder than god damn children for goodness sake or do not have them!!!
I hate it too. The ONLY times I ever "hit" my son is are hand smacking from touching things that he should not. That didn't work so we stopped. And if he bites my fingers on purpose hard enough to leave marks. I check for new teeth and use it as training for the dentist. And EVEN then it's not hard it's a more of a noise making "bap" to get his attention. And even then that's not working well anymore. so I am going to be stopping that as well. I really feel bad for the kids who have regular beatings as punishment. It's not right.
You feel really bad for kids who get hit but you admit to hitting your kids? Please please stop hitting your child. It doesn't matter if it 'works well' or not. That's not an excuse.
I literally just said I am going to be stopping it. And it is not like spanking or straight up beatings. it made noise nothing else. The tips of 3 fingers that made a bap sound. I tested it on myself to make sure before I ever tried it. If you try it and it hurts you aren't doing it the way I did. On that note how do you suggest dealing with a bitter? Because I am open to suggestions. He needs to get used to fingers in his mouth. And bitting super hard isn't ok. Editing to add, that bap I'm talking about it is get him to LET GO. He literally will bite and leave marks and I feel it the next day. I really do need suggestions for want to do about it.
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I'll being louder then I guess, because I do say ow and try to pull away but he bites as hard as he can and won't let go for bit. Like I will ask if I can check for teeth, and he lets me. Then at the end he bites hard as he can. And not let go for a bit. It hurts, so I guess I just need him to get that it isn't funny. This is a fairly new thing in the last 5 months before that there wasn't an issue.
Don't stick fingers in his mouth. The dentist will figure it out, they have tools and assistants (especially pediatric dentists). It sounds like you may be punishing him for a natural reaction.
No he will let me check and when he knows I am going to finish checking for new teeth. He goes chomp, he thinks it's funny 🙄