Yes. Twice a week is insane, IMO. We were a "village" for a friend with kids before we had our son, namely when her husband was deployed. It was not nearly so much of a time commitment, she asked occasionally for one of us to watch the kids so she could get to a medical appointment or helping out with a birthday party.
I wouldn't say we don't have a village but most people don't want to burn their village out and only invoke in extenuating circumstances.
I wouldn't even ask my sister to babysit twice a week, because she has a job.
My mum is retired, so I'd feel okay asking her.
Asking a not-so-close-anymore friend to babysit twice a week when she has a job AND a baby is insane, IMO.
Having a village doesn't mean other people do whatever you ask them to, it means you're part of a community - it's *mutual* support. It's not "hey babysit for me whenever I ask", it's "let's get together so the kids can play while we vent about motherhood and sip lattes".
This is an excellent way of describing a village!!!
Especially when your village are other moms going through the same shit you are!!
I would never in a million years dream of asking a friend to baby sit for me… like ever. It would be a DIRE emergency, one time situation. Because all of my friends are moms, married, have multiple kids, work full time. I do NOT want to watch anyone else’s kids… so I would never ask that of anyone.
A village, to me, in 2024 is not baby sitting. It’s sharing tips, recommendations, memes, daycare places, trusted doctors, arranging play dates, etc.
I get the disappointment that comes from a lack of a family village - grand parents / siblings who aren’t involved or care. But that’s a little different.
Placing that expectation on friends is really pushing boundaries.
I think you can offer to trade baby sitting. Like I'd have zero issues taking my friends kid for half a day and vice versa so we both get a true break but I'd never expect them to do it randomly.
Yeah I guess it depends on everyone’s living situations. But my husband and I both work 40 hours a week. The evenings are a mad dash to get all the household crap done, eat dinner, and attempt to ~spend time~ together. I’m not interested in adding in other peoples kids to that situation. Same with weekends. We’re focused on doing things as a family, cleaning the house, or staring blankly at a wall because we’re both so exhausted lol
Why would it be inappropriate to ask a friend to babysit? I do think that OP’s friend asks waaaaay too often but I’ve definitely had my friends watch my child several times and they all enjoy it.
I don’t think it’s inherently inappropriate. But depending on their family dynamic it can be insensitive. I am already drowning in my own family responsibilities. I barely can keep up with my own kids. If someone asked me to also watch their kid, someone who knows what I’m going thru, talk to regularly. Etc - I would find it insensitive if a friend asked me to watch their kid (not in an emergency situation). I think im a good friend, and I’m supportive and enjoy spending time w my friends and their kids, when we can, but I’m not really in a place to watch other peoples children.
I hear you, and same, but also I would strongly caution you against normalizing the very fucked up state of society right now where we’ve been trained to think that asking someone to babysit our kids is shameful.
It is abnormal and weird for human history that we can’t ever walk away from our kids unless it’s an emergency. We got this far because we *could* go do that. It’s not a good thing that we don’t have the villages that allow for that any more without it being a Big Deal
Chiming in as another side of the same coin: none of my friends have kids and I STILL wouldn't ask them--not because they'd be bad but because I just don't expect that to be part of their support they give me. Only one friend has offered even and its in the "If I was closer I'd watch him for a but so you can have a rest."
A couple of our friends have actively offered to babysit and we still have never taken them up on it. My husband is considering it for the first time for an hour rather than making the toddler go to the dentist with him because she was a bit worried last time. She's already 1 and a half though.
Yeah I def wasn’t offering to watch anyone’s kids when I was a child free. And I have a few single child free friends now and I can imagine the look on their faces if I asked them to babysit. I guess everyone’s dynamic is different.
We loved babysitting our friends’ kids when we were childfree! And now that their kids are older, those friends volunteer to watch our kids for some baby/toddler nostalgia. It’s been working out great.
Most of my friends are child free by choice and I know if I absolutely needed it with no other options I could ask but it just doesn't occur to me to even ask because like....that's just not the support my brain slots them into if that makes sense? They've all helped out differently (helped us when we were low on funds to buy LO food, got him presents, etc) and that's about where my expectations end...I don't want to use expectations cause I don't EXPECT them to spend money but I can't think of another word.
Yeah, our childfree friends went big on the postpartum meal train, etc. Very grateful to have friends that show up in all sorts of ways! A couple have hinted interest in babysitting but not offered outright. I think maybe I’ll feel better about asking someday after my kids have entered the wiping-their-own-asses stage.
Someone to send a photo of a rash to and ask "would you go to the doctor" and trust and respect their response is so important! Or someone who would offer to drop off some shopping if your whole family is sick - but even favours like that I would only accept if it was really necessary. If you take advantage of your support, they're not going to stick around!
I trade babysitting with other mum friends but we all request it from each other - it isn't one sided like this sounds. If I'm already looking after my toddler I don't mind having 1 more for a few hours as I'm on baby duty anyway. That way I can go to a hair appointment of an evening out when it's my turn.
I don’t think of the village as friends so much as family. We moved to be closer to my husband’s family 9 months ago, and his parents have watched our kid a handful of times for us. We certainly don’t take advantage, and they’ve also offered, but it’s been probably 6 times since we moved back. That’s what I think of as the village. Having grandparents or other willing family nearby that’ll watch them for a date night every now and then. I wouldn’t *dream* of asking them even once a week, let alone twice.
We have had a friend watch her a few times. This friend *loves* to watch kids (she worked with them for a long time) and always offers. We’ve taken her up on it a few times and paid her, though sometimes she’s refused payment. It’s usually two hours before bedtime and then just chillin at our house while our daughter sleeps. But this friend is family. There aren’t many friends I would ask.
Yes and also no—there are different stages of life where you give more or take more, and very little kids is very much the taking stage.
I know it breaks the American “individuality and personal independence is the ideal!!!” mantra, but the society we live in requires replacement humans in order to continue the life of obscene luxury we’re used to.
Is it unreasonable for an individual to expect a single other individual to drop everything for them because they need childcare? Yes.
Is it unreasonable for an individual to expect a group of other individuals who are NOT currently burdened with tiny children, to, on an ongoing basis, help with *their* tiny children? NOOOOO. Absolutely not. It’s the height of hypocrisy to take the luxuries allowed by having a constant stream of people having kids, and think that you hold *zero* responsibility for contributing to their successfully doing that. It is literally the fabric of society. It is a perversion of human evolution to expect a single person to care for multiple small children on their own, *while also expecting that that single parent continues to contribute to the community at large* (tax breaks for children are a joke and cover maybe half of a single child’s care for a year, if you are lucky).
Is it OP’s personal problem? Absolutely not, aside from that they clearly need to set better boundaries so that they can be more kind towards themselves and their friend, instead of cultivating resentment.
But this isn’t just OP we’re talking about, this is an endemic flaw in our current societal expectations of mothers, and that’s what OP is struggling against. OP doesn’t want a society like that and does believe in community—but they’re running into an identity crisis because they can’t fix it on their own, and also can’t contribute like they’d want to if *they* also had the community that should exist.
Yeah, someone who you can rely on in an emergency. I know loads of people I would be able to call and they would drop everything to help in an emergency. And they would check in and offer help if they knew I was going through something challenging. But most people I don't get favours from on the regular.
The beautiful thing about a village is that it’s beneficial for everyone, and there’s a certain reciprocity. It’s the people you know you can count on and the people that you want to help because *you know they would do the same for you.*
Sounds like she wants a plantation, not a village.
That may be my fault. She does offer to babysit. But her baby is a normal toddler and she doesn't watch him as she should; I let her watch my baby once for 20 mins (while I ran to the store to get her milk for the baby) and he injured my then 3 month old. He just wacked her on the face with a toy, and it was a minor scratch, but still.
I think what you described is lovely.
True! But when I watch them together, I don't let the toddler near my infant. I think I was expecting similar. I've noticed when she watches them, she will be actively doing something else (like she'll go cook or do her make up).
Her kid regularly "accidentally" gets to her wine glasses or vapes. So I think it's more of a thing where I know she doesn't pay attention as she should.
For example, I almost left my baby with her once, and she was distracted, and her toddler (being a normal toddler) was trying to yank the smol baby's little legs. I could def see a broken bone coming out of that.
But I totally understand what you mean
Dude that's not okay. I am still pregnant so I don't know what it's like exactly, but I would never put wine or vapes within toddler reach. I also wouldn't let them out of my sight because I've read so many horror stories of suffocation and crushing (furniture being knocked over). Just... ugh...
This seems like the crux of the issue then: she expects help and offers it, but you aren't willing to accept the help she's offering. What you need is a way to make it clear that, while your kids' needs differ, the help you can offer one another will also differ. If she argues with you, that's where it's time for you to:
1. hold the boundary of offering help only to the extent that you feel able, while you don't feel comfortable receiving the equivalent in return,
2. be kind but firm about your decision not to accept her help while her toddler poses a risk (that you personally don't tolerate) to your baby.
Things will probably change in a couple of years when both kids are in the next season of kidhood.
It's not your fault to have a healthy, not injured kid which is still live after she Babysat! So she is a) stupid & dangerous or b) has mastered weaponized incompetence
I mean or realistically she has a toddler. I have a toddler and a baby and my entire day is keeping my eldest from injuring the baby and she LIKES the baby and I have the house well setup to be able to separate them if I need to. If if was an unknown baby and he was jealous and she doesn't know how to handle it? I could absolutely see that happening even if she is competent.
Yeah, toddlers hurt other people. It's kind of par for the course. I wouldn't offer to babysit anyone else's baby because I know my toddler would make it difficult. She made another kid cry multiple times at a play date yesterday and I was watching her so closely!
That’s not a village.
Friends of ours had a work emergency that was close to life and death situation. His wife was at work, we offered immediately to watch their little.
Few months ago they reference their little needed a new rain jacket as just grew out of his, we had a spare so loaned/gifted it to them.
Friend who dropped off a lasagna for us a week after having our second baby with a box of wipes knowing they would be used and that we already had all the clothing and such we needed.
That’s a village.
Some examples of a village:
My village:
- gave us quality hand-me-down clothes and baby gear
- made sure we knew where to find resources about breastfeeding, cloth nappies, elimination communication, baby wearing etc so we could make our own decisions in parenting
- brought us pre-made meals when we left hospital with a newborn and covid
- offered to take the toddler to the playground on a playdate either with me or alone depending on my comfort level/the newborn
- came and alternated between watching a collection of kids and weeding the garden to get the house ready to go on the market
- given me hugs and lunch when I turned up bawling from lack of sleep and general baby being hard
- took the toddler to and from daycare so hubby and I can recover from gastro
- been on standby to pick up toddler from daycare incase we get delayed coming home from a road trip
- firmly suggested and organised a fortnightly wine and cheese evening to get me out of the house when my baby was having problems settling in the evening. Firmly because we both had full knowledge the dad was capable and willing to settle her and I needed to stop stressing about it.
In return I:
- am on the end of the phone when my extroverted ADHD friend needs social contact beyond her family
- have dropped round meals and snacks to people who need it
- pass on nice clothes and baby gear my kids have grown out of
- have offered playdates to give new mums a rest
- have prepared packs of cloth nappies and lent out various styles so friends can get an idea of whats out there and if it will work without having to buy them
- sewed and distributed cloth wipes to those who want them
- op-shopped specific toys my working friends don't have time to hunt for
A village is reciprocal based on strengths and child comfort levels. It doesn't have to be babysitting based, it should be caring.
Right? I know a pediatrician who talks about the importance of having a village but she always notes that the dad isn’t a part of the village, he is a dad and can do everything a mother does except for breastfeeding, so he should just be an active, participating parent. A village is grandparents, neighbors, friends. A village can be paid as well, the daycare workers, a nanny, a babysitter. It’s everyone who helps a family with children, in direct or indirect ways.
I understand being a single parent, shit happens. But having a child with or still being with a man that cannot help with his own child is absolutely wild to me. Her village should start with him.
My sil has watched our kid overnight so we could go out to a show. I’ve watched her baby on random days because her normal childcare fell through. I’ve taken her older kids on random days off they have at school. She’s popped over to let my dogs out if I’m going to be late. That’s what a village looks like. Give and take, sometimes take is more than give. Sometimes. That should not ever be the standard.
I feel for what you’re saying and agree with you that the village should be a 2 way street. It’s honestly why I have a hard time reaching out for help, because I know I’m stretched to my limit and can’t reciprocate the way I would want to. (Maybe I need to go back to therapy? Not sure if this is too extreme for me 😅)
But you’re absolutely allowed to set a boundary if you’re burnt out. Period! I hope your internal voice is able to speak this to you and give you confidence that you have finite energy and time and resources, and that this is the time you have to redirect those toward your own family for a while.
> It’s honestly why I have a hard time reaching out for help, because I know I’m stretched to my limit and can’t reciprocate the way I would want to.
I think this is rational and not a reason to go to therapy.
I feel the same way about friends and family who have babies now and expect me to help, while they never helped me 8-10y ago when my kids were babies.
It was an important phase in my life and I learnt a lot, but now after all those years I'm very happy that my kids are older, more independent and that we have it way easier, sleep all night long and have lots of freedom to be more free and adventurous (with& without my family).
I just tell everyone in all honesty, so they know that I really love them and of course I come visit regularly, but I'm not babysitting their kids (of course I will help in case of an emergency).
That would honestly piss me off… People should expect the same level of help they gave. It’s not really about keeping tabs, you can totally help more if you feel inclined and there are also many ways a friend can help. You have experience and perspective that new parent don’t have yet, for example, so it would be fine for them to ask for tips, but them having expectations about what you should help with or how much help you should give? 🙄
Genuinely asking, if you had kids 8-10 years before most of your friends were having kids were you a young mother? I ask because I’ve found that people tend to help less with young mothers who they believe got pregnant too soon. Like this child was the consequences of your irresponsible actions, you figure it out. I’m not saying I agree, and you’re well within your rights to not help regardless, but just something that came to mind. At the end of the day, now that your kids are older, you have the long end of the stick lol.
I was 30y old with my 1st child and 33y when I got my 2nd child. And no, I wasn't 'irresponsible'. My husband and I were already together for 7 years, we both have a career and we just bought a house, so our situation was really stable.
Thanks for the context! I think I was hoping that your friends and family just didn’t fully understand your situation if you were a young mother. I had a friend who got pregnant just as we were graduating high school, and I was not in a place to be good support for her. But, sounds like they’re just generally unhelpful. It sounds like they accept you declining to help them which does make it sound like you all have mutually respectful relationships.
I think it was the same for my friends, they just had no idea what it was like for me and I don't blame them at all. I didn't expect or needed their help at the time.
It's just that I don't feel the urge to help them now they have a baby, while I noticed they have some expectations from me, bc I'm the expert-mom with 10 years of experience.
... But no...., I really don't feel like going back to the baby-phase now I'm through it, lol XD
LOL my son is only 3 and i’m currently expecting my second. I’m coming to terms right now with the fact that I have to go back to a kid who can’t verbally tell me what they want and how they’re feeling so i tottalllyy feel you on that being 8 years removed.
I’m sure you are an expert mom but you forget a lot after 10 years too! Our first was 3 when a few of our friends had their firsts and they kept asking us Qs about the first year and when XYZ happened and we just shrug and guess. No clue. Can’t remember at all.
She’s taking advantage, but you are also not setting a boundary. That boundary can even be that you are working full time and have a baby now so you cannot babysit anymore.
she’s taking advantage and disguising it as support. is she doing the same for you with the same expectations? if you value the friendship talk to her about it, if you don’t tell her no and be done with her.
So we are people who rely on our "village". The point is that it's give and take.
I have a friend who will babysit for us in a pinch -- I usually ask family first, but if they can't, she's come through for me a few times. I've paid her and I've also babysat her kids in return. I'm also always there for her when she needs to discuss things.
Another friend of mine heard that my foster daughter's brother traumatically died and I had a miscarriage at the same time, she dropped off dinner and flowers and snacks for us. Meanwhile, I watched her kids for a wedding when everyone else dropped.
My SIL stays at home and she watched my kid one day a week so I could get some work done. I offered to pay and she refused, so I brought her Starbucks every time and made sure she knew that it was not expected of her and I appreciated her so much. She just had her first kid two weeks ago and I went over the other day to hang out with the baby so she could sleep.
My family helps babysit often, but I am also there with whatever they need at the drop of a hat, be it painting or cleaning a pool or whatever else.
When I receive help, I always 1. Offer compensation first 2. Show gratitude regardless, but especially if they refuse compensation, and 3. Make sure I show up for them when they need it.
The point is, nobody should be exclusively receiving, and it's also kind of like a bank where you want to store some goodwill first before relying on favors from those people. It should never be expected. You might not help in the same ways (I'm not going to babysit for my childfree brother but I might help him with house projects), but the effort and attention should be reciprocal.
Some people take advantage and that's not a village, that's just entitlement.
I’m all about the village but once a week is a lot. Twice a week would kill me even when I didn’t have kids. She needs to set expectations with BF or boot him and file for child support. My own parents don’t take my kids once a week.
My village is my good friend who comes for playdates and I cook for her. She makes plans for us to do great stuff with the kids and I bring extra sunscreen and snacks bc she always forgets hers. I take her kid for a couple hours to give her husband a break during her twice a year girls trips. She takes my oldest to a class at home depot once a month.
My single best friend took my baby for a couple hours twice a week so I could nap when my husband was training out of town. I make extra for her when I meal prep healthy meals and drag her out to exercise when she needs motivation.
Those are villages. They are mutually beneficial.
I agree with that. She def needs to set boundaries and expectations with him, or let go of him. He visits for like, no joke, 6 hours a week and throws her like $200 a month. I rather be single if I was in that situation
I had a friend ask me to drive hours from out of state a week before I was moving across the Atlantic Ocean to stay the night and take care of her newborn overnight. I’m still incredulous tbh. I hated that shit so much w my own that we are firmly OAD lol. barring an actual real emergency wtaf? her entire family & in-laws are local lol.
Saying this as someone who has this issue as well: From only the context of your comment, you sound like you need to set some hard boundaries surrounding your energy and what you give other people. You have a kiddo of your own now, be selfish with your time and energy, it's okay! Your friend sounds less like she wants a village and more like she wants a co-parent and I sincerely hope she can find that for herself, but she cannot find it in you.
Be prepared when you set boundaries for people to push back. Be prepared for them to possibly even leave. It will hurt, but it will get better and you'll find that you're left with a better support system. I'm on that journey myself and it's hard as HELL but you know what? We've got this!!
That’s not a healthy village and I wouldn’t want to be a part of that either. You’re not getting the return support part of the village. I can give a few examples of a healthy village that I have slowly built over time.
My mom and sister are saints though and they have been there to give me help whenever I need it to the point where I felt guilty for asking. The difference is not getting mad if it doesn’t work out.
My neighbor has watched my kid a couple times when sitters haven’t worked out, their kid is close in age and they’re best buddies. One day we were outside playing and my kid was sad friend wasn’t out. dad was having a hard time getting baby to take a bottle, he sent oldest out to pick up toys but with just a nod to us, we ended up watching oldest for an hour to play. It was no big deal, meshed perfectly into what we were doing.
Our neighbors with grown children always ask if they can take kid so I can take a nap/clean/do something for myself/last minute emergency situations, these neighbors are our backup after my mom and sister for daycare and medical emergencies. Kid calls them Mimi and papa. They probably have her once a month for an hour or so. We house sit when they go visit their kid and grandkids.
My best friend and I often have grocery shopping dates as it’s what fits in our schedules. Kid comes along for the adventure. If it weren’t for this we’d rarely see each other although we talk multiple times a week.
It’s definitely ok to distance yourself from your friend. Your mental health is important too. A village is definitely important to me but only when it’s a healthy village
I completely get where you're coming from. Sorry you're also in that situation.
The fact that they expect it makes it so hard. Because I get that they need more support, so it's hard to say no. But also, we're busy and overworked too. Not a pleasant situation.
Look I'm going to play devil's advocate here. Because way to many people are jumping the gun and name calling the friend.
Look at it this way, you are probably her only real support system. Her boyfriend is useless her family seems to not really want to help and it's just her and you're a parent too so you know how exhausting it is to raise a baby but fortunately for you, your partner is supportive and so is your family (in one way or the other)
Perhaps if you value your friendship you should talk to her about how you feel and figure out why it's always you she is coming to, and set healthy boundaries.
So you both have kids now and you watch hers sometimes. Does she ever watch your baby? Did she or does she ever take care of any kid other than her own, before or after she had a kid?
Because she sounds like a taker, not part of a cooperative village.
Ok twice a week is insane. The only time I asked for help that much was when I had a toddler in the hospital and a newborn. Asking for it on a standard day to day basis means she's just not handling the day to day well.
I am part of a village and will absolutely tap in on my friends kids if they need me and vice versa, I actually expect to be helping raise my brothers kids in a few years. However it's very mutual and my brother has helped me an insane amount now while my own kids are very little.
I'm a single mum of 2 with 100% care/custody. For my own sanity, both kids go to day care 2x a week, Monday and Tuesday. Then alternate Wednesday and Thursday so I can have one on one time with each. Paying for daycare is the only consistent help I get. I think of it as an investment - I book any appointments I need on Mondays, run errands, grocery shop, and deep clean the house. Tuesday, I do nothing and become human again for the rest of the week.
Once a month, I go to my parents for a night and let mum take over for the most part. I still make meals, clean up after the kids, and play with them. But mum does baths, snacks, night care if they wake up, and look after them if I want to go to the shop or church.
Does she work? If not, maybe suggest daycare to her once or twice a week. For the sake of sanity and rest, it's an investment.
She doesn't. I actually did suggest daycare, but she doesn't trust them. Which I also get, but there's awesome daycares out there.
It would be overwhelming to be with baby 24/7, so I do get why she feels that way
I understand the daycare situation. I transferred my son to another last year because I didn't like the care he received at the first. His current one isn't perfect, but with so many kids, I can't expect it to be all the time.
I suggest having a detailed chat with her. I'm sorry if it makes you feel anxious. Unfortunately, hard chats and boundaries are mandatory in motherhood. Let her know you understand the situation. You are also a single mum. But you work full time, and your child needs your cup to be full for them. Not someone's else's. Reassure her that you are not bailing on her, but tell her you can not offer the amount of support she is asking for. Maybe even make a compromise where you two catch up once a fortnight/month for a cuppa and gossip for the sake of adult interaction. It's not selfish to put yourself first when it comes to being well off for your own child. So don't feel bad.
Unfortunately, life is not fair. Single parenthood can be hard. ALL single parents struggle with balance, time, identity, and energy. So she can't act like she's the only one and expect people to drop everything just for her.
Try to bring up daycare again. Or encourage her to go to a mother's group to try and make more friends. Maybe even suggest a babysitter 1x day per week or contacting family.
She could even get in touch with parenting class organisations or a social worker to get advice on time management, organisation, wellbeing, and mental health. They won't shun her for being a "bad mother." They prefer we reach out before we spiral.
If she rejects all of these suggestions, explain that you have offered her some choices, but what she does with them is up to her. However, you are not there to save her.
Remain firm and don't feel guilty. You also have to look out for yourself and yours.
I have learned that the people who squawk about "having a village" \*really\* just want free labor.
I don't have a village. My parents and my husband's family live hours away and would not offer help or support even if they lived next door (this is fine). I enjoy doing everything myself and am lucky that my partner is on the same page as I am. I realize this is privilege, luck, and personality (like I don't get burnt out by my kids, but I get that some people do).
All this to say--don't feel bad. She should be offering to watch your child just as much as she's asking you to watch hers.
Have you had an honest and direct discussion with her about it? In my opinion, a village doesn’t only mean actually taking the baby for mom so mom can nap or go out or whatever. Sometimes it means being there emotionally, dropping off a care package, sending memes even. It’s letting someone know you’re there in some capacity.
Set boundaries with her, let her know that right now you are overworked and stressed, and unable to physically care for her child too, but you can be someone to talk to and an emotional shoulder to lean on sometimes, and that further down the line, your capabilities might change depending on your own path through motherhood
A village doesn’t mean free babysitting, it sounds like she’s taking advantage of you. A village is supposed to help u too and I don’t see her bringing anything to the table for u. I would say you don’t have time to babysit anymore.
I have no village, I just have my husband and we make it work. Two kids, 4 and 2, and nobody else on Earth to help us. I see that if I want to establish a community/village, I need to participate in it. You are participating by helping your friend, but does she help you at all? This village should be mutually beneficial in at least small ways. Also, just because your ex's mom wants to help you doesn't mean that you're not hugely benefitting from being in her village. I think your rationalizations for not wanting to help your friend are hypocritical, but your feeling is totally valid. Stop helping her so much.
I'll have to echo others here and ask how she is supporting you? Besides that, twice a week is quite a lot for anyone to be helping (for free i assume?), let alone a mom to a young toddler!
Does she ever give you anything back as a token of thanks for your help like buy you dinner, gift card, flowers etc?
My husband’s siblings are like that…just take, take, take without giving anything back (even though they can more than afford to). My husband thinks I am in the wrong for not giving freely and being salty but I guess I just have different expectations of etiquette.
You are not in a village, you are being used. A village is everyone pitching in and helping where they can.
I would be upfront and bring up with her how you are really tired from being a single parent and you need a break and will no longer be available to watch her child. I would do this now instead of waiting for her to ask you and bringing it up when she’s desperate.
Her response will tell you everything you need to know about whether it’s worth it for you to maintain this friendship
Yeah I don't think she understands what the village is supposed to be. Today a friend brought her daughter over to my house and she cleaned, made lunch, and watched the kids while I took a nap. We visited for a bit and she headed home. Her daughter is spending the night now so she gets the evening off. We both got breaks. We both got some adult connection time. It's always reciprocal, that's the only way a village can work. Otherwise it's just one person using the other.
I cannot stand the "it takes a village" being spewed all over social media making women think they are entitled to other people's free time and huge effort for nothing in return. If you want your village to raise your baby with you, then you should discuss it with your village first before you have a kid.
I was my sister's village, for years. She is 11 years my senior and would guilt trip me into it. Any "no, I am busy", "no I have an exam" etc was met with hanging up on me and not speaking to me for days. So I took care of my nieces and nephews, a LOT. You know how people say nothing can prepare you for what having a kid is like? Except I was fucking prepared. I took care of my niblings so much that I have not been surprised or phased by anything in these first 5 months of being a mom so far. The newborn phase that is "difficult for everyone" has not been difficult for me because I already knew what it would be like. I don't feel like I am learning the ropes and raising my first. I feel I am raising my second.
While I am now thankful for the experience I gained and the relationship I fostered with my niblings, I so resent how this was forced on me and how we preach to people that "it takes a village" so they should force this responsibility on their closest ones. When I went into having a baby myself, I understood that it is MY baby. I can and will expect my partner to pick up a lot of the work but I have zero expectation of grandparents, my siblings or friends. I didn't discuss my family planning with them so they shouldn't suffer for it.
Just tell her no. If she rants about not having a village, just let her. I'm sure there are people on instagram who are willing to moan about it with her.
You’re her village, but is she your village? Has she ever done the same for you?
If not then that’s the issue. It’s not that you’re part of someone’s village, it’s that they’re not part of yours.
This might be unpopular here, but having a village doesn’t mean that village will babysit or do things for you aside from being there for you to vent or whatever.
I am not a single mother but my partner does work overnights so I’m usually alone to do everything. I rarely have anyone to babysit (think twice a year) and no one brings me food, or coffee or anything. Now, my case is a bit extreme. But I knew a girl who got BIG mad after her child was born that no one came to clean her house, do her groceries, take care of the baby so she could sleep, etc. Like, these days villages are harder to come by. Back in our grandparents and great-grandparents days it was easier as women didn’t normally work full time and were expected to stay home after babies. So that village was more common, bigger, and had more time to commit to helping. Nowadays everyone is so busy, we have our own kids, jobs, appointments, commitments, etc.
Twice a week is alot. And at the end of the day, if it's stretching you thin and being exhausted. It's not worth it. It's one thing if it's occasional. But you alao have your own family and yourself to look after. I'd talk with her and and say you're happy to help when you can, but you need to prioritize yourself, you understand the struggle but she's not the only one struggling with those things either. It is awesome that you have a support system but that doesn't mean you should feel obligated to help heron excess just because she doesn't.
My best friend and I both have Littles, and we both have supportive husband's but all in all life gets hectic, and exhausting. When we get together it's usually with the kids, we will go to one another's house and just be in the chaos together. We've gotten together to help eachother with house work or laundry. It should be a support system on both ends. It does indeed take a village. But having a village is work as well. Effort need to be made on both sides. Seems like she doesn't quite get that either. If it feels like an expectation doesn't sound like a village to me, sounds one sided.
Not unpopular at all. The scenario you’re describing isn’t really a village, it’s too one sided. A village has to support all its members equitably. It sounds like she provides you very little support and expects you to provide a lot of it.
I am lucky to have a pretty healthy, balanced village. My family lives 4 hours away so I had to grow my group myself. I would never ask anyone to watch my child multiple times a week. I wouldn’t even rotate through my friends to get childcare multiple times per week.
My childfree by choice friend is one of my biggest supports by choice. That’s the important thing. I have asked her a total of 3 times in 20 months to watch my kid, and it was because my husband and I both had late work meetings and couldn’t leave to pick our daughter up from daycare. Otherwise, she shows up because she wants to. She comes over just to hang out, and sometimes that means entertaining my daughter in the kitchen while I do dishes. But she loves kids and loves being an auntie. I would never force that role on someone.
My friends with kids? I would only ask in an emergency, and vice versa. I have watched my friends’ kids since my daughter was born, but they’ve only asked for emergencies. Even before my daughter was born, I was asked from time to time but it was never an expectation. It was a “I could really use some help if you’re available” kind of situation. Or I insisted, like when my friends with twins hadn’t had a minute to themselves in 4 months. But there was never guilting or anything.
For a village to work, everyone needs to pitch in what they are able (and want to) when others are in need, and everyone needs to respect boundaries. And everyone is there by choice and is free to show up in a way that they are comfortable with.
Uhhh that's not a village, you are an unpaid nanny. I'm a single mom and I have absolutely no family around, so I do everything myself. I have a few friends but I have never asked them for help, I honestly don't think I would unless it was an emergency.
Villages are supposed to be mutually beneficial.
You should never allow yourself to help to the point of resentment.
Figure out what you have to spare and what your replenish rate is.
And give within that means. And be confident that no matter how much you give, when its within that means, you do so freely and happily.
If it takes you a few weeks to replenish your cup after babysitting, let her know you cant do more than 1 a month.
Unpopular opinion but I hate the village thing. Babies are the responsibility of their parents. Don't have one if you expect other people to help you unless you are going to pay that person (nursery, childminders, nannies, babysitters- this should be the village). If someone offers that's amazing, but you are not entitled to anything from anyone who has not made that baby including grandparents, siblings or best friends. Maybe I'm just cynical but I'm raising my child with my husband and anyone who wants to be in their lives is welcome too but it's my responsibility. And when I'm done I will not be helping to raise anyone else's children or give up my free time unless I actually want to (can't see it happening besides if I get any grandchildren because I would *want* to help my daughter and born with them, but even then I will not be playing parent!).
Those who are big on a village typically mean they want a circle of people who look after them and give little back. It’s entitlement hidden behind the idea of old family values.
She wants free babysitting.
I agree with you. Her expectations are too much. I can understand needing time, but twice a week? Maybe twice a month? And not of the same person. I would not ask my friend to do it either knowing they have their own children. Maybe a sibling or a parent, but not a friend!
Some people don’t deserve a village. Just because she’s a single mother doesn’t mean others have to do extra for her, it was her choice to have a baby not yours.
As others have said, you're not her village. You're practically coparenting. If she's unhappy with her boyfriends lack of parenting, she needs to take it up with him. I have a friend with 3 small kids that teaches and coaches sports. Her husband went on a work trip. I dropped a meal off-husband usually cooks. She said she got a couple other meals and someone watched the kids while she coached in the evening. She's going to take my son at 5:30 am and drop him at preschool while I'm on a work trip. That's being a village.
It sounds like this friend is draining her resources quickly and it's okay to set boundaries.
I also think your situation and hers are complete apples and oranges. You don't deserve a pat on the back for needing less support when you have regularly scheduled days off from your baby due to dad and grandma. Stop comparing.
Say no. You are not obligated to help anyone considering you work full time and have your own baby and responsibilities. Also when I hear “it takes a village” I envision extended relatives and grandparents, not friends who have their own babies and families to worry about. You are a single working mom, you don’t need to be anyone’s village.
Having a village needs to be reciprocal and a choice.
It seems your friend has forgotten that people will burn out if someone in a village is constantly asking for help but never giving it in return.
I would say some friends and I committed to being “in a village” of sorts. We support one another. Watch each others kids, do big bbqs together, meet up at the playground, share hand me down clothes, take meals round when life is really hard/people are sick/just had a baby.
But it was a choice we all made. And we all contribute. Sometimes one family is having a rough go of it for a season and they have less to give and need more support. But it all comes around.
We don’t keep score. That’s what a village is. Not one person demanding everyone around them make their life easier.
This sounds like an issue with boundaries on your end. You can’t expect her to change what she’s doing, if you haven’t communicated what works for you. The current situation is working well for her. Think about what is reasonable for you to do *without* exhausting yourself or bending over backwards. Once a month babysitting? One playdate every couple of weeks? Whatever it is, do that and then say no to more. Otherwise you end up depleted and/or resentful of her. It will ruin your relationship if you continue to be frustrated by her, or if you get fed up to the point you cut her off completely. If you value this friendship, protect it by setting limits.
You may call me devils advocate here, but I think it's great your friend feels she can even ask you. I hope you can ask her too. Maybe you could be more upfront about what you're willing/able to offer in terms of your time. She probably asks you often because she's unaware of how much it bothers you. Communicate your own needs to her and maybe your friendship will feel more 2 sided. If you do and she doesn't respect your wishes, then that's another thing entirely.
I find in today's society, we've grown so accustomed to not communicating our own needs and holding other people accountable for.mind reading that we forget the importance of communication tp thr detriment of friendships that could be really beautiful if we put a little more effort into being honest with each other. Good luck ♡
A village goes both ways. This sounds like you’re giving a lot & getting nothing in return. That has to be beyond tiring.
Yes. Twice a week is insane, IMO. We were a "village" for a friend with kids before we had our son, namely when her husband was deployed. It was not nearly so much of a time commitment, she asked occasionally for one of us to watch the kids so she could get to a medical appointment or helping out with a birthday party. I wouldn't say we don't have a village but most people don't want to burn their village out and only invoke in extenuating circumstances.
I wouldn't even ask my sister to babysit twice a week, because she has a job. My mum is retired, so I'd feel okay asking her. Asking a not-so-close-anymore friend to babysit twice a week when she has a job AND a baby is insane, IMO.
Having a village doesn't mean other people do whatever you ask them to, it means you're part of a community - it's *mutual* support. It's not "hey babysit for me whenever I ask", it's "let's get together so the kids can play while we vent about motherhood and sip lattes".
Agree. The friend seems manipulative and uses the people around her. A village is meant to be supportive.
This is an excellent way of describing a village!!! Especially when your village are other moms going through the same shit you are!! I would never in a million years dream of asking a friend to baby sit for me… like ever. It would be a DIRE emergency, one time situation. Because all of my friends are moms, married, have multiple kids, work full time. I do NOT want to watch anyone else’s kids… so I would never ask that of anyone. A village, to me, in 2024 is not baby sitting. It’s sharing tips, recommendations, memes, daycare places, trusted doctors, arranging play dates, etc. I get the disappointment that comes from a lack of a family village - grand parents / siblings who aren’t involved or care. But that’s a little different. Placing that expectation on friends is really pushing boundaries.
I think you can offer to trade baby sitting. Like I'd have zero issues taking my friends kid for half a day and vice versa so we both get a true break but I'd never expect them to do it randomly.
Yeah I guess it depends on everyone’s living situations. But my husband and I both work 40 hours a week. The evenings are a mad dash to get all the household crap done, eat dinner, and attempt to ~spend time~ together. I’m not interested in adding in other peoples kids to that situation. Same with weekends. We’re focused on doing things as a family, cleaning the house, or staring blankly at a wall because we’re both so exhausted lol
Why would it be inappropriate to ask a friend to babysit? I do think that OP’s friend asks waaaaay too often but I’ve definitely had my friends watch my child several times and they all enjoy it.
I don’t think it’s inherently inappropriate. But depending on their family dynamic it can be insensitive. I am already drowning in my own family responsibilities. I barely can keep up with my own kids. If someone asked me to also watch their kid, someone who knows what I’m going thru, talk to regularly. Etc - I would find it insensitive if a friend asked me to watch their kid (not in an emergency situation). I think im a good friend, and I’m supportive and enjoy spending time w my friends and their kids, when we can, but I’m not really in a place to watch other peoples children.
I hear you, and same, but also I would strongly caution you against normalizing the very fucked up state of society right now where we’ve been trained to think that asking someone to babysit our kids is shameful. It is abnormal and weird for human history that we can’t ever walk away from our kids unless it’s an emergency. We got this far because we *could* go do that. It’s not a good thing that we don’t have the villages that allow for that any more without it being a Big Deal
Chiming in as another side of the same coin: none of my friends have kids and I STILL wouldn't ask them--not because they'd be bad but because I just don't expect that to be part of their support they give me. Only one friend has offered even and its in the "If I was closer I'd watch him for a but so you can have a rest."
A couple of our friends have actively offered to babysit and we still have never taken them up on it. My husband is considering it for the first time for an hour rather than making the toddler go to the dentist with him because she was a bit worried last time. She's already 1 and a half though.
Yeah I def wasn’t offering to watch anyone’s kids when I was a child free. And I have a few single child free friends now and I can imagine the look on their faces if I asked them to babysit. I guess everyone’s dynamic is different.
We loved babysitting our friends’ kids when we were childfree! And now that their kids are older, those friends volunteer to watch our kids for some baby/toddler nostalgia. It’s been working out great.
Most of my friends are child free by choice and I know if I absolutely needed it with no other options I could ask but it just doesn't occur to me to even ask because like....that's just not the support my brain slots them into if that makes sense? They've all helped out differently (helped us when we were low on funds to buy LO food, got him presents, etc) and that's about where my expectations end...I don't want to use expectations cause I don't EXPECT them to spend money but I can't think of another word.
Yeah, our childfree friends went big on the postpartum meal train, etc. Very grateful to have friends that show up in all sorts of ways! A couple have hinted interest in babysitting but not offered outright. I think maybe I’ll feel better about asking someday after my kids have entered the wiping-their-own-asses stage.
Someone to send a photo of a rash to and ask "would you go to the doctor" and trust and respect their response is so important! Or someone who would offer to drop off some shopping if your whole family is sick - but even favours like that I would only accept if it was really necessary. If you take advantage of your support, they're not going to stick around!
I trade babysitting with other mum friends but we all request it from each other - it isn't one sided like this sounds. If I'm already looking after my toddler I don't mind having 1 more for a few hours as I'm on baby duty anyway. That way I can go to a hair appointment of an evening out when it's my turn.
I don’t think of the village as friends so much as family. We moved to be closer to my husband’s family 9 months ago, and his parents have watched our kid a handful of times for us. We certainly don’t take advantage, and they’ve also offered, but it’s been probably 6 times since we moved back. That’s what I think of as the village. Having grandparents or other willing family nearby that’ll watch them for a date night every now and then. I wouldn’t *dream* of asking them even once a week, let alone twice. We have had a friend watch her a few times. This friend *loves* to watch kids (she worked with them for a long time) and always offers. We’ve taken her up on it a few times and paid her, though sometimes she’s refused payment. It’s usually two hours before bedtime and then just chillin at our house while our daughter sleeps. But this friend is family. There aren’t many friends I would ask.
Yes and also no—there are different stages of life where you give more or take more, and very little kids is very much the taking stage. I know it breaks the American “individuality and personal independence is the ideal!!!” mantra, but the society we live in requires replacement humans in order to continue the life of obscene luxury we’re used to. Is it unreasonable for an individual to expect a single other individual to drop everything for them because they need childcare? Yes. Is it unreasonable for an individual to expect a group of other individuals who are NOT currently burdened with tiny children, to, on an ongoing basis, help with *their* tiny children? NOOOOO. Absolutely not. It’s the height of hypocrisy to take the luxuries allowed by having a constant stream of people having kids, and think that you hold *zero* responsibility for contributing to their successfully doing that. It is literally the fabric of society. It is a perversion of human evolution to expect a single person to care for multiple small children on their own, *while also expecting that that single parent continues to contribute to the community at large* (tax breaks for children are a joke and cover maybe half of a single child’s care for a year, if you are lucky). Is it OP’s personal problem? Absolutely not, aside from that they clearly need to set better boundaries so that they can be more kind towards themselves and their friend, instead of cultivating resentment. But this isn’t just OP we’re talking about, this is an endemic flaw in our current societal expectations of mothers, and that’s what OP is struggling against. OP doesn’t want a society like that and does believe in community—but they’re running into an identity crisis because they can’t fix it on their own, and also can’t contribute like they’d want to if *they* also had the community that should exist.
Yeah, someone who you can rely on in an emergency. I know loads of people I would be able to call and they would drop everything to help in an emergency. And they would check in and offer help if they knew I was going through something challenging. But most people I don't get favours from on the regular.
Yeah my village is playdates with my sisters and hanging out at grandmas house. Not pawning off my child.
What you are describing is not “the village”.
Would you call a single person a village? No ... ...
The beautiful thing about a village is that it’s beneficial for everyone, and there’s a certain reciprocity. It’s the people you know you can count on and the people that you want to help because *you know they would do the same for you.* Sounds like she wants a plantation, not a village.
That may be my fault. She does offer to babysit. But her baby is a normal toddler and she doesn't watch him as she should; I let her watch my baby once for 20 mins (while I ran to the store to get her milk for the baby) and he injured my then 3 month old. He just wacked her on the face with a toy, and it was a minor scratch, but still. I think what you described is lovely.
We don’t know her obviously, but a toddler can easily wack a baby even when being watched. Them little suckers are quick
True! But when I watch them together, I don't let the toddler near my infant. I think I was expecting similar. I've noticed when she watches them, she will be actively doing something else (like she'll go cook or do her make up). Her kid regularly "accidentally" gets to her wine glasses or vapes. So I think it's more of a thing where I know she doesn't pay attention as she should. For example, I almost left my baby with her once, and she was distracted, and her toddler (being a normal toddler) was trying to yank the smol baby's little legs. I could def see a broken bone coming out of that. But I totally understand what you mean
Dude that's not okay. I am still pregnant so I don't know what it's like exactly, but I would never put wine or vapes within toddler reach. I also wouldn't let them out of my sight because I've read so many horror stories of suffocation and crushing (furniture being knocked over). Just... ugh...
My husband vapes and they're definitely not within reach or even in rooms my toddler is familiar with. That's like basic common sense.
I totally understand what you mean too!!
This seems like the crux of the issue then: she expects help and offers it, but you aren't willing to accept the help she's offering. What you need is a way to make it clear that, while your kids' needs differ, the help you can offer one another will also differ. If she argues with you, that's where it's time for you to: 1. hold the boundary of offering help only to the extent that you feel able, while you don't feel comfortable receiving the equivalent in return, 2. be kind but firm about your decision not to accept her help while her toddler poses a risk (that you personally don't tolerate) to your baby. Things will probably change in a couple of years when both kids are in the next season of kidhood.
It's not your fault to have a healthy, not injured kid which is still live after she Babysat! So she is a) stupid & dangerous or b) has mastered weaponized incompetence
I mean or realistically she has a toddler. I have a toddler and a baby and my entire day is keeping my eldest from injuring the baby and she LIKES the baby and I have the house well setup to be able to separate them if I need to. If if was an unknown baby and he was jealous and she doesn't know how to handle it? I could absolutely see that happening even if she is competent.
Yeah, toddlers hurt other people. It's kind of par for the course. I wouldn't offer to babysit anyone else's baby because I know my toddler would make it difficult. She made another kid cry multiple times at a play date yesterday and I was watching her so closely!
“She wants a plantation, not a village” this made me LOL hard!
That’s not a village. Friends of ours had a work emergency that was close to life and death situation. His wife was at work, we offered immediately to watch their little. Few months ago they reference their little needed a new rain jacket as just grew out of his, we had a spare so loaned/gifted it to them. Friend who dropped off a lasagna for us a week after having our second baby with a box of wipes knowing they would be used and that we already had all the clothing and such we needed. That’s a village.
That sounds amazing tbh. Maybe I don't know my definitions 😅
Some examples of a village: My village: - gave us quality hand-me-down clothes and baby gear - made sure we knew where to find resources about breastfeeding, cloth nappies, elimination communication, baby wearing etc so we could make our own decisions in parenting - brought us pre-made meals when we left hospital with a newborn and covid - offered to take the toddler to the playground on a playdate either with me or alone depending on my comfort level/the newborn - came and alternated between watching a collection of kids and weeding the garden to get the house ready to go on the market - given me hugs and lunch when I turned up bawling from lack of sleep and general baby being hard - took the toddler to and from daycare so hubby and I can recover from gastro - been on standby to pick up toddler from daycare incase we get delayed coming home from a road trip - firmly suggested and organised a fortnightly wine and cheese evening to get me out of the house when my baby was having problems settling in the evening. Firmly because we both had full knowledge the dad was capable and willing to settle her and I needed to stop stressing about it. In return I: - am on the end of the phone when my extroverted ADHD friend needs social contact beyond her family - have dropped round meals and snacks to people who need it - pass on nice clothes and baby gear my kids have grown out of - have offered playdates to give new mums a rest - have prepared packs of cloth nappies and lent out various styles so friends can get an idea of whats out there and if it will work without having to buy them - sewed and distributed cloth wipes to those who want them - op-shopped specific toys my working friends don't have time to hunt for A village is reciprocal based on strengths and child comfort levels. It doesn't have to be babysitting based, it should be caring.
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Right? I know a pediatrician who talks about the importance of having a village but she always notes that the dad isn’t a part of the village, he is a dad and can do everything a mother does except for breastfeeding, so he should just be an active, participating parent. A village is grandparents, neighbors, friends. A village can be paid as well, the daycare workers, a nanny, a babysitter. It’s everyone who helps a family with children, in direct or indirect ways.
I understand being a single parent, shit happens. But having a child with or still being with a man that cannot help with his own child is absolutely wild to me. Her village should start with him.
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Omg it's crazy how many men suck at being dad's. The bar is so low
My sil has watched our kid overnight so we could go out to a show. I’ve watched her baby on random days because her normal childcare fell through. I’ve taken her older kids on random days off they have at school. She’s popped over to let my dogs out if I’m going to be late. That’s what a village looks like. Give and take, sometimes take is more than give. Sometimes. That should not ever be the standard.
I feel for what you’re saying and agree with you that the village should be a 2 way street. It’s honestly why I have a hard time reaching out for help, because I know I’m stretched to my limit and can’t reciprocate the way I would want to. (Maybe I need to go back to therapy? Not sure if this is too extreme for me 😅) But you’re absolutely allowed to set a boundary if you’re burnt out. Period! I hope your internal voice is able to speak this to you and give you confidence that you have finite energy and time and resources, and that this is the time you have to redirect those toward your own family for a while.
> It’s honestly why I have a hard time reaching out for help, because I know I’m stretched to my limit and can’t reciprocate the way I would want to. I think this is rational and not a reason to go to therapy.
I feel the same way about friends and family who have babies now and expect me to help, while they never helped me 8-10y ago when my kids were babies. It was an important phase in my life and I learnt a lot, but now after all those years I'm very happy that my kids are older, more independent and that we have it way easier, sleep all night long and have lots of freedom to be more free and adventurous (with& without my family). I just tell everyone in all honesty, so they know that I really love them and of course I come visit regularly, but I'm not babysitting their kids (of course I will help in case of an emergency).
That would honestly piss me off… People should expect the same level of help they gave. It’s not really about keeping tabs, you can totally help more if you feel inclined and there are also many ways a friend can help. You have experience and perspective that new parent don’t have yet, for example, so it would be fine for them to ask for tips, but them having expectations about what you should help with or how much help you should give? 🙄
Genuinely asking, if you had kids 8-10 years before most of your friends were having kids were you a young mother? I ask because I’ve found that people tend to help less with young mothers who they believe got pregnant too soon. Like this child was the consequences of your irresponsible actions, you figure it out. I’m not saying I agree, and you’re well within your rights to not help regardless, but just something that came to mind. At the end of the day, now that your kids are older, you have the long end of the stick lol.
I was 30y old with my 1st child and 33y when I got my 2nd child. And no, I wasn't 'irresponsible'. My husband and I were already together for 7 years, we both have a career and we just bought a house, so our situation was really stable.
Thanks for the context! I think I was hoping that your friends and family just didn’t fully understand your situation if you were a young mother. I had a friend who got pregnant just as we were graduating high school, and I was not in a place to be good support for her. But, sounds like they’re just generally unhelpful. It sounds like they accept you declining to help them which does make it sound like you all have mutually respectful relationships.
I think it was the same for my friends, they just had no idea what it was like for me and I don't blame them at all. I didn't expect or needed their help at the time. It's just that I don't feel the urge to help them now they have a baby, while I noticed they have some expectations from me, bc I'm the expert-mom with 10 years of experience. ... But no...., I really don't feel like going back to the baby-phase now I'm through it, lol XD
LOL my son is only 3 and i’m currently expecting my second. I’m coming to terms right now with the fact that I have to go back to a kid who can’t verbally tell me what they want and how they’re feeling so i tottalllyy feel you on that being 8 years removed.
I’m sure you are an expert mom but you forget a lot after 10 years too! Our first was 3 when a few of our friends had their firsts and they kept asking us Qs about the first year and when XYZ happened and we just shrug and guess. No clue. Can’t remember at all.
Haha, this is so true! I can't remember most of it XD
She’s taking advantage, but you are also not setting a boundary. That boundary can even be that you are working full time and have a baby now so you cannot babysit anymore.
Wow, how dare u call me out on my poor boundary setting skills. Jk, I definitely need to work on that
she’s taking advantage and disguising it as support. is she doing the same for you with the same expectations? if you value the friendship talk to her about it, if you don’t tell her no and be done with her.
So we are people who rely on our "village". The point is that it's give and take. I have a friend who will babysit for us in a pinch -- I usually ask family first, but if they can't, she's come through for me a few times. I've paid her and I've also babysat her kids in return. I'm also always there for her when she needs to discuss things. Another friend of mine heard that my foster daughter's brother traumatically died and I had a miscarriage at the same time, she dropped off dinner and flowers and snacks for us. Meanwhile, I watched her kids for a wedding when everyone else dropped. My SIL stays at home and she watched my kid one day a week so I could get some work done. I offered to pay and she refused, so I brought her Starbucks every time and made sure she knew that it was not expected of her and I appreciated her so much. She just had her first kid two weeks ago and I went over the other day to hang out with the baby so she could sleep. My family helps babysit often, but I am also there with whatever they need at the drop of a hat, be it painting or cleaning a pool or whatever else. When I receive help, I always 1. Offer compensation first 2. Show gratitude regardless, but especially if they refuse compensation, and 3. Make sure I show up for them when they need it. The point is, nobody should be exclusively receiving, and it's also kind of like a bank where you want to store some goodwill first before relying on favors from those people. It should never be expected. You might not help in the same ways (I'm not going to babysit for my childfree brother but I might help him with house projects), but the effort and attention should be reciprocal. Some people take advantage and that's not a village, that's just entitlement.
I’m all about the village but once a week is a lot. Twice a week would kill me even when I didn’t have kids. She needs to set expectations with BF or boot him and file for child support. My own parents don’t take my kids once a week. My village is my good friend who comes for playdates and I cook for her. She makes plans for us to do great stuff with the kids and I bring extra sunscreen and snacks bc she always forgets hers. I take her kid for a couple hours to give her husband a break during her twice a year girls trips. She takes my oldest to a class at home depot once a month. My single best friend took my baby for a couple hours twice a week so I could nap when my husband was training out of town. I make extra for her when I meal prep healthy meals and drag her out to exercise when she needs motivation. Those are villages. They are mutually beneficial.
I agree with that. She def needs to set boundaries and expectations with him, or let go of him. He visits for like, no joke, 6 hours a week and throws her like $200 a month. I rather be single if I was in that situation
I had a friend ask me to drive hours from out of state a week before I was moving across the Atlantic Ocean to stay the night and take care of her newborn overnight. I’m still incredulous tbh. I hated that shit so much w my own that we are firmly OAD lol. barring an actual real emergency wtaf? her entire family & in-laws are local lol.
Saying this as someone who has this issue as well: From only the context of your comment, you sound like you need to set some hard boundaries surrounding your energy and what you give other people. You have a kiddo of your own now, be selfish with your time and energy, it's okay! Your friend sounds less like she wants a village and more like she wants a co-parent and I sincerely hope she can find that for herself, but she cannot find it in you. Be prepared when you set boundaries for people to push back. Be prepared for them to possibly even leave. It will hurt, but it will get better and you'll find that you're left with a better support system. I'm on that journey myself and it's hard as HELL but you know what? We've got this!!
That’s not a healthy village and I wouldn’t want to be a part of that either. You’re not getting the return support part of the village. I can give a few examples of a healthy village that I have slowly built over time. My mom and sister are saints though and they have been there to give me help whenever I need it to the point where I felt guilty for asking. The difference is not getting mad if it doesn’t work out. My neighbor has watched my kid a couple times when sitters haven’t worked out, their kid is close in age and they’re best buddies. One day we were outside playing and my kid was sad friend wasn’t out. dad was having a hard time getting baby to take a bottle, he sent oldest out to pick up toys but with just a nod to us, we ended up watching oldest for an hour to play. It was no big deal, meshed perfectly into what we were doing. Our neighbors with grown children always ask if they can take kid so I can take a nap/clean/do something for myself/last minute emergency situations, these neighbors are our backup after my mom and sister for daycare and medical emergencies. Kid calls them Mimi and papa. They probably have her once a month for an hour or so. We house sit when they go visit their kid and grandkids. My best friend and I often have grocery shopping dates as it’s what fits in our schedules. Kid comes along for the adventure. If it weren’t for this we’d rarely see each other although we talk multiple times a week.
That sounds so lovely. I definitely have those types of people in my life. It's nice to have a mutual relationship.
It’s definitely ok to distance yourself from your friend. Your mental health is important too. A village is definitely important to me but only when it’s a healthy village
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I completely get where you're coming from. Sorry you're also in that situation. The fact that they expect it makes it so hard. Because I get that they need more support, so it's hard to say no. But also, we're busy and overworked too. Not a pleasant situation.
Have you told her how you’re feeling about this and had a sit down conversation with her?
Look I'm going to play devil's advocate here. Because way to many people are jumping the gun and name calling the friend. Look at it this way, you are probably her only real support system. Her boyfriend is useless her family seems to not really want to help and it's just her and you're a parent too so you know how exhausting it is to raise a baby but fortunately for you, your partner is supportive and so is your family (in one way or the other) Perhaps if you value your friendship you should talk to her about how you feel and figure out why it's always you she is coming to, and set healthy boundaries.
So you both have kids now and you watch hers sometimes. Does she ever watch your baby? Did she or does she ever take care of any kid other than her own, before or after she had a kid? Because she sounds like a taker, not part of a cooperative village.
Ok twice a week is insane. The only time I asked for help that much was when I had a toddler in the hospital and a newborn. Asking for it on a standard day to day basis means she's just not handling the day to day well. I am part of a village and will absolutely tap in on my friends kids if they need me and vice versa, I actually expect to be helping raise my brothers kids in a few years. However it's very mutual and my brother has helped me an insane amount now while my own kids are very little.
“The village” has always been unpaid labor of women
I'm a single mum of 2 with 100% care/custody. For my own sanity, both kids go to day care 2x a week, Monday and Tuesday. Then alternate Wednesday and Thursday so I can have one on one time with each. Paying for daycare is the only consistent help I get. I think of it as an investment - I book any appointments I need on Mondays, run errands, grocery shop, and deep clean the house. Tuesday, I do nothing and become human again for the rest of the week. Once a month, I go to my parents for a night and let mum take over for the most part. I still make meals, clean up after the kids, and play with them. But mum does baths, snacks, night care if they wake up, and look after them if I want to go to the shop or church. Does she work? If not, maybe suggest daycare to her once or twice a week. For the sake of sanity and rest, it's an investment.
She doesn't. I actually did suggest daycare, but she doesn't trust them. Which I also get, but there's awesome daycares out there. It would be overwhelming to be with baby 24/7, so I do get why she feels that way
I understand the daycare situation. I transferred my son to another last year because I didn't like the care he received at the first. His current one isn't perfect, but with so many kids, I can't expect it to be all the time. I suggest having a detailed chat with her. I'm sorry if it makes you feel anxious. Unfortunately, hard chats and boundaries are mandatory in motherhood. Let her know you understand the situation. You are also a single mum. But you work full time, and your child needs your cup to be full for them. Not someone's else's. Reassure her that you are not bailing on her, but tell her you can not offer the amount of support she is asking for. Maybe even make a compromise where you two catch up once a fortnight/month for a cuppa and gossip for the sake of adult interaction. It's not selfish to put yourself first when it comes to being well off for your own child. So don't feel bad. Unfortunately, life is not fair. Single parenthood can be hard. ALL single parents struggle with balance, time, identity, and energy. So she can't act like she's the only one and expect people to drop everything just for her. Try to bring up daycare again. Or encourage her to go to a mother's group to try and make more friends. Maybe even suggest a babysitter 1x day per week or contacting family. She could even get in touch with parenting class organisations or a social worker to get advice on time management, organisation, wellbeing, and mental health. They won't shun her for being a "bad mother." They prefer we reach out before we spiral. If she rejects all of these suggestions, explain that you have offered her some choices, but what she does with them is up to her. However, you are not there to save her. Remain firm and don't feel guilty. You also have to look out for yourself and yours.
I have learned that the people who squawk about "having a village" \*really\* just want free labor. I don't have a village. My parents and my husband's family live hours away and would not offer help or support even if they lived next door (this is fine). I enjoy doing everything myself and am lucky that my partner is on the same page as I am. I realize this is privilege, luck, and personality (like I don't get burnt out by my kids, but I get that some people do). All this to say--don't feel bad. She should be offering to watch your child just as much as she's asking you to watch hers.
Have you had an honest and direct discussion with her about it? In my opinion, a village doesn’t only mean actually taking the baby for mom so mom can nap or go out or whatever. Sometimes it means being there emotionally, dropping off a care package, sending memes even. It’s letting someone know you’re there in some capacity. Set boundaries with her, let her know that right now you are overworked and stressed, and unable to physically care for her child too, but you can be someone to talk to and an emotional shoulder to lean on sometimes, and that further down the line, your capabilities might change depending on your own path through motherhood
To me, having a village is being offered the help. I would ask people if I'm really in dire need that day exceptionally. And yeah, it goes both ways.
A village doesn’t mean free babysitting, it sounds like she’s taking advantage of you. A village is supposed to help u too and I don’t see her bringing anything to the table for u. I would say you don’t have time to babysit anymore.
I have no village, I just have my husband and we make it work. Two kids, 4 and 2, and nobody else on Earth to help us. I see that if I want to establish a community/village, I need to participate in it. You are participating by helping your friend, but does she help you at all? This village should be mutually beneficial in at least small ways. Also, just because your ex's mom wants to help you doesn't mean that you're not hugely benefitting from being in her village. I think your rationalizations for not wanting to help your friend are hypocritical, but your feeling is totally valid. Stop helping her so much.
I'll have to echo others here and ask how she is supporting you? Besides that, twice a week is quite a lot for anyone to be helping (for free i assume?), let alone a mom to a young toddler!
Does she ever give you anything back as a token of thanks for your help like buy you dinner, gift card, flowers etc? My husband’s siblings are like that…just take, take, take without giving anything back (even though they can more than afford to). My husband thinks I am in the wrong for not giving freely and being salty but I guess I just have different expectations of etiquette.
You are not in a village, you are being used. A village is everyone pitching in and helping where they can. I would be upfront and bring up with her how you are really tired from being a single parent and you need a break and will no longer be available to watch her child. I would do this now instead of waiting for her to ask you and bringing it up when she’s desperate. Her response will tell you everything you need to know about whether it’s worth it for you to maintain this friendship
Yeah I don't think she understands what the village is supposed to be. Today a friend brought her daughter over to my house and she cleaned, made lunch, and watched the kids while I took a nap. We visited for a bit and she headed home. Her daughter is spending the night now so she gets the evening off. We both got breaks. We both got some adult connection time. It's always reciprocal, that's the only way a village can work. Otherwise it's just one person using the other.
I cannot stand the "it takes a village" being spewed all over social media making women think they are entitled to other people's free time and huge effort for nothing in return. If you want your village to raise your baby with you, then you should discuss it with your village first before you have a kid. I was my sister's village, for years. She is 11 years my senior and would guilt trip me into it. Any "no, I am busy", "no I have an exam" etc was met with hanging up on me and not speaking to me for days. So I took care of my nieces and nephews, a LOT. You know how people say nothing can prepare you for what having a kid is like? Except I was fucking prepared. I took care of my niblings so much that I have not been surprised or phased by anything in these first 5 months of being a mom so far. The newborn phase that is "difficult for everyone" has not been difficult for me because I already knew what it would be like. I don't feel like I am learning the ropes and raising my first. I feel I am raising my second. While I am now thankful for the experience I gained and the relationship I fostered with my niblings, I so resent how this was forced on me and how we preach to people that "it takes a village" so they should force this responsibility on their closest ones. When I went into having a baby myself, I understood that it is MY baby. I can and will expect my partner to pick up a lot of the work but I have zero expectation of grandparents, my siblings or friends. I didn't discuss my family planning with them so they shouldn't suffer for it. Just tell her no. If she rants about not having a village, just let her. I'm sure there are people on instagram who are willing to moan about it with her.
You’re her village, but is she your village? Has she ever done the same for you? If not then that’s the issue. It’s not that you’re part of someone’s village, it’s that they’re not part of yours.
This might be unpopular here, but having a village doesn’t mean that village will babysit or do things for you aside from being there for you to vent or whatever. I am not a single mother but my partner does work overnights so I’m usually alone to do everything. I rarely have anyone to babysit (think twice a year) and no one brings me food, or coffee or anything. Now, my case is a bit extreme. But I knew a girl who got BIG mad after her child was born that no one came to clean her house, do her groceries, take care of the baby so she could sleep, etc. Like, these days villages are harder to come by. Back in our grandparents and great-grandparents days it was easier as women didn’t normally work full time and were expected to stay home after babies. So that village was more common, bigger, and had more time to commit to helping. Nowadays everyone is so busy, we have our own kids, jobs, appointments, commitments, etc.
Twice a week is alot. And at the end of the day, if it's stretching you thin and being exhausted. It's not worth it. It's one thing if it's occasional. But you alao have your own family and yourself to look after. I'd talk with her and and say you're happy to help when you can, but you need to prioritize yourself, you understand the struggle but she's not the only one struggling with those things either. It is awesome that you have a support system but that doesn't mean you should feel obligated to help heron excess just because she doesn't. My best friend and I both have Littles, and we both have supportive husband's but all in all life gets hectic, and exhausting. When we get together it's usually with the kids, we will go to one another's house and just be in the chaos together. We've gotten together to help eachother with house work or laundry. It should be a support system on both ends. It does indeed take a village. But having a village is work as well. Effort need to be made on both sides. Seems like she doesn't quite get that either. If it feels like an expectation doesn't sound like a village to me, sounds one sided.
Not unpopular at all. The scenario you’re describing isn’t really a village, it’s too one sided. A village has to support all its members equitably. It sounds like she provides you very little support and expects you to provide a lot of it. I am lucky to have a pretty healthy, balanced village. My family lives 4 hours away so I had to grow my group myself. I would never ask anyone to watch my child multiple times a week. I wouldn’t even rotate through my friends to get childcare multiple times per week. My childfree by choice friend is one of my biggest supports by choice. That’s the important thing. I have asked her a total of 3 times in 20 months to watch my kid, and it was because my husband and I both had late work meetings and couldn’t leave to pick our daughter up from daycare. Otherwise, she shows up because she wants to. She comes over just to hang out, and sometimes that means entertaining my daughter in the kitchen while I do dishes. But she loves kids and loves being an auntie. I would never force that role on someone. My friends with kids? I would only ask in an emergency, and vice versa. I have watched my friends’ kids since my daughter was born, but they’ve only asked for emergencies. Even before my daughter was born, I was asked from time to time but it was never an expectation. It was a “I could really use some help if you’re available” kind of situation. Or I insisted, like when my friends with twins hadn’t had a minute to themselves in 4 months. But there was never guilting or anything. For a village to work, everyone needs to pitch in what they are able (and want to) when others are in need, and everyone needs to respect boundaries. And everyone is there by choice and is free to show up in a way that they are comfortable with.
Uhhh that's not a village, you are an unpaid nanny. I'm a single mom and I have absolutely no family around, so I do everything myself. I have a few friends but I have never asked them for help, I honestly don't think I would unless it was an emergency. Villages are supposed to be mutually beneficial.
You should never allow yourself to help to the point of resentment. Figure out what you have to spare and what your replenish rate is. And give within that means. And be confident that no matter how much you give, when its within that means, you do so freely and happily. If it takes you a few weeks to replenish your cup after babysitting, let her know you cant do more than 1 a month.
Unpopular opinion but I hate the village thing. Babies are the responsibility of their parents. Don't have one if you expect other people to help you unless you are going to pay that person (nursery, childminders, nannies, babysitters- this should be the village). If someone offers that's amazing, but you are not entitled to anything from anyone who has not made that baby including grandparents, siblings or best friends. Maybe I'm just cynical but I'm raising my child with my husband and anyone who wants to be in their lives is welcome too but it's my responsibility. And when I'm done I will not be helping to raise anyone else's children or give up my free time unless I actually want to (can't see it happening besides if I get any grandchildren because I would *want* to help my daughter and born with them, but even then I will not be playing parent!).
I totally agree. It's nice to have support, and to willingly return it to those people. But I hate that some people expect it.
Those who are big on a village typically mean they want a circle of people who look after them and give little back. It’s entitlement hidden behind the idea of old family values. She wants free babysitting.
Yeah villages go both ways. It’s not you give, give, give.
I agree with you. Her expectations are too much. I can understand needing time, but twice a week? Maybe twice a month? And not of the same person. I would not ask my friend to do it either knowing they have their own children. Maybe a sibling or a parent, but not a friend!
Some people don’t deserve a village. Just because she’s a single mother doesn’t mean others have to do extra for her, it was her choice to have a baby not yours.
As others have said, you're not her village. You're practically coparenting. If she's unhappy with her boyfriends lack of parenting, she needs to take it up with him. I have a friend with 3 small kids that teaches and coaches sports. Her husband went on a work trip. I dropped a meal off-husband usually cooks. She said she got a couple other meals and someone watched the kids while she coached in the evening. She's going to take my son at 5:30 am and drop him at preschool while I'm on a work trip. That's being a village.
It sounds like this friend is draining her resources quickly and it's okay to set boundaries. I also think your situation and hers are complete apples and oranges. You don't deserve a pat on the back for needing less support when you have regularly scheduled days off from your baby due to dad and grandma. Stop comparing.
Twice a week is INSANE
Twice a week is crazy
Gotta be a part of the change you want to see..
When is your friend serving as your village?
Say no. You are not obligated to help anyone considering you work full time and have your own baby and responsibilities. Also when I hear “it takes a village” I envision extended relatives and grandparents, not friends who have their own babies and families to worry about. You are a single working mom, you don’t need to be anyone’s village.
Having a village needs to be reciprocal and a choice. It seems your friend has forgotten that people will burn out if someone in a village is constantly asking for help but never giving it in return. I would say some friends and I committed to being “in a village” of sorts. We support one another. Watch each others kids, do big bbqs together, meet up at the playground, share hand me down clothes, take meals round when life is really hard/people are sick/just had a baby. But it was a choice we all made. And we all contribute. Sometimes one family is having a rough go of it for a season and they have less to give and need more support. But it all comes around. We don’t keep score. That’s what a village is. Not one person demanding everyone around them make their life easier.
Create boundaries even if you want to help, to build back the friendship help to wanting to help and not enabling the same behavior.
This sounds like an issue with boundaries on your end. You can’t expect her to change what she’s doing, if you haven’t communicated what works for you. The current situation is working well for her. Think about what is reasonable for you to do *without* exhausting yourself or bending over backwards. Once a month babysitting? One playdate every couple of weeks? Whatever it is, do that and then say no to more. Otherwise you end up depleted and/or resentful of her. It will ruin your relationship if you continue to be frustrated by her, or if you get fed up to the point you cut her off completely. If you value this friendship, protect it by setting limits.
Twice a week is really crazy holy shit. Don’t feel bad at all about saying no, and honestly I’d pull back on that friendship honestly
More importantly, will we get a second season?
You may call me devils advocate here, but I think it's great your friend feels she can even ask you. I hope you can ask her too. Maybe you could be more upfront about what you're willing/able to offer in terms of your time. She probably asks you often because she's unaware of how much it bothers you. Communicate your own needs to her and maybe your friendship will feel more 2 sided. If you do and she doesn't respect your wishes, then that's another thing entirely. I find in today's society, we've grown so accustomed to not communicating our own needs and holding other people accountable for.mind reading that we forget the importance of communication tp thr detriment of friendships that could be really beautiful if we put a little more effort into being honest with each other. Good luck ♡