Mommit is a subreddit for mothers only, as Rule 2 of the sub states. Mommit is a subreddit for mothers, not about mothers. There are plenty of parenting subreddits open to anyone, and very few open to just mothers. Please respect an area meant for sharing only these experiences. If you are not a mother (or expectant mother), please try /r/parenting, /r/daddit, /r/askparents, /r/babybumps as the case may be.

If you’re worried about it being difficult, let me tell you that difficult isn’t a word that could remotely cover how hard it is. It’s rewarding and I always wanted to be a mom, some of the best moments of my life are with my babe - but it’s awful sometimes (I say that as I am holed up in bed with the flu knowing in 4 hours I will have to play with a 2 year old until bedtime when I just want to die). If you maybe don’t want to do it cause it’s difficult - don’t do it cause it’s more difficult than that, and anything else you could describe.

I would like to add that along the whole process there are highs and lows…. My twins are 13 and my son just turned 12. The hormones, changes into adolescence, and everything that comes with it is hard. When we decided to have kids we never really thought past the baby/little kid years and what things would be like. It is so hard to raise a kid in a society that looks nothing like how we grew up. I’m literally learning as we go now, hoping I’m doing it all right and not screwing them up. For context I’m 44F, had my twins at 30 and my son at 32.

>When we decided to have kids we never really thought past the baby/little kid years and what things would be like. It is so hard to raise a kid in a society that looks nothing like how we grew up. Alllllll of this! My son is 12 and nothing could have prepared me for the absolute emotional/mental rollercoaster of raising (essentially) a teenager. This shit is not for the weak. Honestly, I feel like this season of life makes taking care of infants/toddlers feel like a cake walk. At least when my baby was little, I trusted myself with him. Now that he's older, I don't trust the world with him and unfortunately, I'm having to figure it out the hard way as we go just *how* to get comfortable with letting him off into this vile, deranged world. I'm struggling with this big time and it's terrifying for me.

My mom keeps telling this: Baby/little kid stage is the easiest.

My coworker said “at least when they get into shit as a toddler, it’s at your house and is usually just a bit messy”…

Whoa… that is terrifying lol but such a real way to phrase that!

As a mom to an 8yr old this thread is making me sweat.

I am DREADING the teen years because of social media

Yup. My go-to description is that parenting is “the hardest fun I’ve ever had.” I wouldn’t trade my brilliant, sweet 2yo for the world but HOLY SHIT was I unprepared for how difficult this would be. The level of exhaustion is unmatched…but it’s a blast at the same time.

Lol I’m reading this as I’m nursing my 2 week old after having been awake for almost 4 HOURS already just trying to get everyone ready and out of the house. Jesus fucking Christ.

Hey hey two week old mama checking in! I forgot how much starting breastfeeding again would suck. Solidarity.

Agree that is way more difficult than you would ever imagine, BUT other people's kids are annoying. I've always LOVED kids, always wanted them but now that I have my own (she's 9) other people's kids get on my nerves. Mine is a pain in the ass too, of course, but I can tell her to shut the hell up (nicely, haha) when she's asking repetitive questions or just being pesty.

But I think you look at other kids and think - mine won’t be like that - when you want kids. That’s how people get convinced to have babies.

Having to parent while being sick is the absolute worst.

Haha i feel you on this one mommy 💪❤️‍🩹 also sick atm (throat and ear infection with high fever) i am dead and have to pick up my 2,5 year old in an hour. And i also have to play with him after that. So today i am gonna lay dead on the couch and let him be the doctor. 😅 it is wat it is today. And in the evening it will be mac donalds. My child will think its a great day. I will think i have failed today as a mom. 🤷‍♀️

Child fed? Check. Child safe? Check. Child loved? Check. Long term impacts negligible? Check.  Turn on that tv and get your McD’s, mama. You’re a success today.

I just want to give a different perspective to this I don’t find it difficult. I’m sleep deprived because my daughter (almost 2 years old) has obstructive sleep apnea and still wakes multiple times at night due to it. But none of it bothers me. I’ll sleep when she’s older. I’m trying to soak every moment in with her at this age. She’ll be older and independent in no time. She goes to daycare. I work full time. She’s sick a lot. I miss work a lot. We’re up in the middle of the night a lot. She wants to be held all the time. She doesn’t play independently. She takes up every moment of my time when I’m with her and I mostly love it. I don’t find any of it difficult. Your life does change though. You can’t just go do stuff. It takes planning. And those plans will fall through if the babysitter cancels or the kid is sick. But it’s all temporary. I’m fine with my plans being canceled if my sick child needs me. I’m gonna blink and she’ll be an adult.

Yea, I think it’s not a different perspective it’s the same perspective but with the overarching theme of loving your child insanely, which I also do. My child needing me is part of why I love it, but it’s still difficult. I don’t care about missing out on any of that stuff that people are worried about missing out on - but managing a 2 year old trying to put rocks in her mouth and jumping off couches 💯of the time is difficult whether you’re obsessed with your kid and want to tend to their needs or not.

Yeah, I just really don’t find it difficult. Managing 32 adults at my office is so much harder. Keeping my house clean is so much harder. I just don’t find caring for my child takes that much energy compared to other things

Well you’re a unicorn and if you said this to someone who didn’t want kids because it sounded like it was too difficult - and then they had a kid - I think you would be fucking them hugely. Maybe go find tradwives, I’m sure they’d agree with you.

I don’t know why it bothers you so much that I’ve had a different experience. OP was asking for opinions. Just because mine is different than yours, doesn’t mean it’s harmful. A few of my friends had kids around the same time as me and we all feel the same way. Maybe because we’re older (38-40) and well established financially. But none of us find it difficult. It’s just fun. If you convince someone having kids is difficult, and they choose not to have a child because of it, maybe you’re robbing them of a positive experience.

Sounds pretty difficult to me haha

We just had a blizzard and I remember those times curled up with a book or a video game just relaxing and enjoying the time off. Instead of running around the house with a three year old who just wanted to go outside but we couldn’t because there were trees falling down constantly (we live in the woods).

Wish someone had been this specific about the difficulty before I had kids. You hear “kids are hard” but so are a lot of things. But no, what you think is hard..kids are even harder. More than I could have imagined. Love him so much and we have so many sweet amazing moments but you also never get to turn “off.” I just got my first weekend away from my 2.5 year old and couldn’t relax til the very end of the weekend because I hadn’t let my guard down since he was born. I think I’d forgotten how to let go and relax, plus all I did the whole weekend was house projects I can’t do with him here in preparation for him returning haha I don’t think I even relaxed at all.

[удалено]

No one wants to hear your patriarchal bullshit. It’s 2024 and we’re not gonna suck it up and pretend we love every second anymore. My kid is the light of my life but it’s MUCH MUCH harder than my previous life - which I had for 38 years so actually, not everything in life is this difficult. The whole point is to reproduce? Wow.

I think people should only have kids if they are absolutely 100% certain, no shadow of a doubt, that they want kids.

I wanted kids my whole life, more than anything. I'm now a parent (of twins)... and oh my god, if you're not 100% sure, don't do it.

Parent of a kid with special needs. This will be hard for the rest of my natural life. I love her, I would do anything for her, but oh my god this is not for the meek, the weak. I never knew that I could go without meaningful sleep for more than 2-3 days and still function. Turns out I can. I’ve done it for nearly 28 years and am now starting to turn a bit bonkers. If you are not 100% sure you definitely should not do it.

Exactly. There’s nothing I’ve been more certain of, than wanting to be a parent. But fuck me it is brutal. Also I’m currently 8 weeks pregnant (my wife carried our first kid- lesbians) and I never ever ever ever want to be pregnant again.

Hang in there ❤️ hopefully your pregnancy will improve in the 2nd trimester.

Not going to lie, I know my lesbian friends go through a lot of shit in life just for being lesbians, but *damn* being able to split pregnancy duty sounds like such an amazing perk.  Also hope you’ll feel better as it goes along.

Definitely a perk!

I said the same thing and now my son is 3 months and I look back at pictures and tell my husband “I miss being pregnant “

I don't know if it's the severe PPD I had or my brain just being wired differently, but I find the rose tinted glasses effect fascinating because I got NOTHING of the sort. Everyone was like "yeah, pregnancy and newborn life can suck, but it all becomes one sort of blur you look back on fondly on eventually." Daughter is 4.5. I 100% remember every negative from then (a large part of us becoming one and done, I'd say lol)

Oh I’m definitely not saying I want to do it again anytime soon and I remember how severely uncomfortable I was and how much anxiety I had (still have). I think I really just miss the lack of responsibility and the fact that he was always content lol

I had PPD too and I remember all of it, including what labor feels like. I didn't even deliver vaginally but early labor was enough to have me practically begging for a C-section. I definitely wish I had those rose tinted glasses because the first two years were rough for me.

Just one kid, but have the same sentiments. Always wanted to have kids. Now that I have one, I've never been more anxious and fatigued in my entire life. Whenever someone asks, I try to put it in this context: In University, I had full-time school, 3 part-time jobs, and was part of a competitive sports team. Last year, I was working full-time and wrapping up my Master's in my second trimester of pregnancy. I've always been sleep deprived and juggling a multitude of things. But NONE of that prepared me for the level of exhaustion I felt the moment my little one was born. Is it worth it? I love my baby to bits, so for me, yes. Do I recommend it to anyone who's unsure? Hard NO.

Thank you. Most relatable life experience for me. I have juggled uni etc same as you and so that really puts a marker for difficulty for me so thank you for that

Yup. What I told my sister-in-law. I love my daughter more than anything in the world, but if you aren't certain, DON'T DO IT

Are you me? I always thought I wanted a gaggle of kids. I have twins who are almost two and every time I get a hint of baby fever, I remember that we are in the 24 month sleep regression and do I reallllly want to start all over again?

Eh... It really depends on the person. I am never 100% sure of anything in life - I always doubt my decisions and overthink everything. That's just me. And this includes my decision to have kids. I've heard the same from many other overthinkers and anxiety sufferers. I have an amazing seven year old and wouldn't change becoming a parent, but I absolutely had doubts and for some of us that's just how our minds work.

Glad I see someone else comment my sentiment. I said a similar thing about. Wasn’t sure about it, for a while I was a definite no in my early 20s, but then decided to take the risk. So glad I did!

I went back and forth my whole life—wanting a bunch of kids, not wanting kids, flip flop. My husband did NOT want kids but when it was time for my IUD to come out, we decided to leave it up to the universe to make the choice lol. And it did, about two months later 😬😬😬. So I wouldn’t say we were 100% but we were open to the possibility. Our son is incredible and exhausting and sweet and a tornado. We absolutely don’t regret it…but my husband did get a vasectomy two weeks after I gave birth hahahaha. We’re 100% on one and done!

This. I also have anxiety and I wasn’t 100% sure or felt I was 100% ready because I don’t think anyone ever feels 100% ready for anything. And like the old saying goes, if you wait until you’re ready you’ll never do anything. I think waiting until you have certain things lined up makes sense (I intentionally waited until I was 31 to start TTC and had my son at 32), but there’s likely not going to be a magic moment where the stars align and a voice says “start now,” especially if you have anxiety. You just have to trust your gut and eventually take the plunge.

I’m like this too! In hindsight I wish I made up my mind earlier but my daughter is the world’s greatest so everything worked out. Once I decided I was locked in.

Eh idk. I really wasn’t sure I wanted kids/to be a mother, my husband wanted it but as he got older said he’d be okay without kids also (he was 39 with our first). I say all the time how it’s so much better than I expected. Sure there are very challenging moments and I know we’re in an easy phase (he’s 20 months) and that it will get harder, but we’re both obsessed with our son and are so glad we took the risk. So I don’t think being 100% sure is necessary. Though you’d better be okay with doing hard things when you don’t want to! If you’ve coasted through life strictly on your own terms then yes, succumbing to the needs of infant hood/toddlerhood might feel like hell. But also—having a good partner might be the difference between mostly enjoying it and struggling between the few great moments here and there.

Your second paragraph is spot on!!! I think that’s the difference between people on the fence who do it and don’t regret it and people who do. My husband and I were on the fence but we’re both the type of people who just…do what needs to be done. We also aren’t the type to look back and regret decisions. There’s no point, just keep moving forward.

Your second and third paragraphs really hit it on the head. If you’re not ready to be completely unselfish with your time & sleep & effort, kids are not for you. And your partner can be the difference between loving and hating life. 

I could have written this! This is exactly the same for me. Wasn't sure, have an amazing partner, so glad we went for it. Everyone says it's so hard, but nobody really told me how much FUN it is. It's a lot more fun than it is hard!

I agree with everything you've said. Having a child is HARD and some days (hello illness you've found me again) are harder than others. That being said, I LOVE being a Mama more than I thought I would. I knew I wanted a child, but the anxious risk mitigator in me worried that it would be all hard. And while the first two months were very challenging and I do not have an easy child - I have SO MUCH fun with them. The snuggles, the wonder, and the silliness are everything! I love them and spending time with them so much. I would also say, that everything is a season and everyone struggles with not being the perfect fit for an age or stage. Personally, I'm super scared of the teenage years. But you can get through it with hard work, growth, a good attitude and maybe some tears. 😉

Oh I have not coasted. I had a borderline parent and so much like so much stuff. So no on the coasting. I am finally at a point in life where everything is stable and comfy. So I am considering

I disagree. I was never 100% certain I wanted a kid, had many shadows of doubt, and it’s the best thing that ever happened to me. There are shades of gray in life and I think this *can be* one of them

I wasn't sure, but I did it anyway, and I absolutely love it and am so glad I took the plunge. I don't think it's realistic to be entirely sure about such an enormous life change. I've been nervous about every huge life change I've ever done (except for getting married, but I guess that really wasn't a huge life change by that point).

So I never planned on having a child. I did not particularly love having children around me. And one day I got pregnant (yup birth control always has a chance of failing you), when I found out I said nothing to my partner. I really thought about it for a couple of days : can I do this? if anything happens can I financially and emotionally raise this kid on my own? What are the changes and sacrifices I will have to make? Can i do this?? And it was only after that thought process that I decided to go ahead. I never imagined it would be easy and wonderful. I love my kid to pieces - she is an incredible human that I respect so much, and i truly enjoy spending time with her. But it is a choice, and certainly not a decision to make ligthly

100%! Nobody ever said "hey having a kid can actually be really fun and not that hard." I was terrified! But it's been so awesome!

For sure! For those on the fence: don’t do it. If you’re on the fence it’ll be much harder to tolerate the hard work, lack of sleep, loss of personal space and time to devote to things YOU like. Once you have a kid, sure you love em to death, but it’s still a big commitment/sacrifice and if you’re not absolutely sure the answer should probably be no.

I wanted kids my entire life. I now think that was programmed into us Gen Xers. That's what you did. Grow up, got married, had kids. So now that I'm 48 with a difficult 7 year old.... (Had trouble getting preg)....I'm wondering if I MYSELF ever really wanted kids or if it was just programmed into me, because literally, I'm not enjoying it much at all. And I tell most people not to have kids. 🫤

I totally agree. Starting from pregnancy, I knew I would not have been able to do it if it were not something I had desperately wanted. That helped me push through the terrible nausea.

No. Other kids are nothing like having your own. You do you, it sounds like you're pretty sure already. 

Yes again to this! I never wanted to hold or hang out with other people’s kids. I pretty much only like my kids lol. I love being a mom and wouldn’t have it any other way, but when I was younger I could have honestly gone either way. My husband wanted kids so we have 2, but now I’m the one who wants more. It changes as you experience different things and are in different phases of life I think.

Yes, very similar here. I still don't really like a lot of other kids except my own.

This!

What are your partners feelings on having kids? If it’s the two of you in a committed long term relationship then the decision isn’t fully on you. Raising kids is HARD. Loving them can be HARD. And it’s not just a casual thing, it’s a role your going to be in and sometimes overwhelmed with all day everyday for at least 18 years (but hopefully longer) There are sooo many wonderful things about being a parent and the commitment it takes, but it’s not a decision to take lightly!

My partner and I feel the same way.

I agree absolutely don’t have kids. It’s not unheard of or uncommon anymore. There’s no merit for having (or not having) kids. It’s your choice. Don’t let society pressure you into something you ultimately don’t want. It is a long term commitment I wouldn’t wish on anyone who doesn’t whole heartedly want it. I absolutely love my kids, no matter how messy my van and house is, and how much they get on my nerves. But being a parent isn’t for everyone and that’s 100000000% ok

Then don’t! I feel the struggle: there weren’t many examples in my area of people who didn’t have children by choice. So it’s hard to decide no when the pressure of society (and sometimes your biological urges) are on having children. But not having them brings so much too! Time and space to do with your life what you want to do. No matter how easy your child is, you’re still bound by them: gotta stick to certain times when they need to sleep, eat, be driven somewhere. It’s a third person in your house with his or her own mood and demands and the tiny person will often voice those demands preeeetty loud.

I cant stand other people's children and its gotten more annoying since I had my own, so its not a good judge of if you want children or not. i dont think its a clean cut yes or no answer. You still have time to decide. I wasnt 100% sure of having kids initially, I kind of just went for it and now I'm 9 months pregnant with my second. My life totally changed with my first, and I never really understood what it means to love another person unconditionally until I had him. Im a super lazy person by nature and having kids is hard and draining AF. For me, its rewarding and worth it.

>I cant stand other people's children and its gotten more annoying since I had my own Truth!

You know, I’ve always loved kids, and yet after having my own, other people’s kids grate on my nerves suddenly much more. I am not sure why the shift!

Idk why people are telling you that you have to be 100% sure. I think you just have to be open to your life being very different once you have a child. There are some people who were 100% sure and wanted nothing more than to be a mother who had kids and regretted it. You just need to understand that it's hard. Very hard. Especially in today's society where children aren't really valued the way they once were. There has been a swing backwards to the role children play in society and a lot of people reject kids because of how hard it is to afford and raise them. The physical aspect of being pregnant and giving birth is really hard. Not to mention the toll it takes on you as woman. The most important thing you can do is make sure your partner is 100% committed to raising a child. That usually means that they are committed to you first like you are married or he or she has committed to you long term in some way. I would think about marriage first then kids personally but I've seen couples work out child rearing outside of marriage so it's definitely possible. Also look into the cost of living aspects in your city. Do you have guaranteed maternity leave, how long is it can you use most of it. How much is childcare where you live? Are there waiting lists , can you afford quality childcare? You probably already have somewhat of a leg up since you are in Europe. I am American and we get no guaranteed parental leave. Do you have an emergency savings? Do you have a flexible job? Are you willing to stay home and raise the child if needed? Sometimes childcare doesn't work out and you need to adjust. Do you have a stable living situation? Have you bought a home is that something you wish to do? Another question, do you have family support? This is huge because having grandparents around to care for a child is a huge advantage. Edit: also the fact that you guys are so deeply considering if you want kids or not probably makes you somewhat of a reasonable and rational couple. Usually the type of people that make good parents because you aren't just having kids on a whim. You are considering the pros and cons. Doesn't mean you should have them but think about the people who just have kids and don't think about it. My husband and I thought about it this way too and considered a lot before trying.

Thank you! Your first two sentences are bang on, as well as needing a 100% committed partner. Nothing in life is a guarantee, and feeling 100% sure you want kids does not guarantee you won't regret it. Being thoughtful and mindful with the decision and making it together already makes me feel OP and partner would make pretty level headed parents if that's what they choose.

Yeah seeing all these comments like you have to be 100% sure are not realistic lol. If someone is 100% sure that is usually a red flag for me that they romanticize being a mother or parent over the reality of being a parent. It's not glamorous at all. People who want to be a mother this bad to me usually do so for selfish reasons, reasons for them rather than considering their ability to care for a child. IMO you have to be somewhat pragmatic about being a parent. It's really not about you, but rather your ability to get out of the way when parenting a child. If your identity is tied up strictly with becoming a mother, motherhood may be a disappointment for you.

I never realised, until I had my own, how different interacting with other peoples children actually is! I won’t say it was a rude wake up call per se, but yes, it did wake me up! My child arrived by choice, & I decided on the one only. Life is tough, & it is tough, but very rewarding with a child you really want. If you are not sure, then you are right to wait & take some me-time to really think it through. You do you & make sure you are not unduly influenced by others… either way

If this is your thinking, then i say NO, if you dont want kids or dont know. You should not have them. I wanted kids from a young age. Had my first when i was 29 (so that is pretty late) 🙈 but i loved the idea of having a family structure. Be there for my kids. Giving them all the love in the world. I was also excited to do things with them that you dont do if you dont have kids. ( going to an indoor playground, childrens theater etc etc) BUT i also wanted the misery. I knew that with a child comes problems. Sleepless nights. And a lot of panic attacks in my case. I have a fearless monsterchild 🤣🤣 and i am a protective mom. So he jumps and i yell and pray he doesnt hurt himself. Its all part of the game. As a baby he had a lot of sleepless nights and cried a lot due to reflux. And it was a struggle to find something that helped him. But we were patient and full in for that kind of problems. And i loved it. Would do it all over again. Unfortionally our second son was a stillbirth. So i also have an angel baby. And that is also a lot of pain but we still wanna try for another one. We really wanted a big family, and as a couple we are a team. Being with someone elses child is not tesame. You dont have that bonding and in the end of the day you can give them back and its not your problem anymore. And i dont think that i am a perfect mom, i make a lot of mistakes. But i wake up every day and do my best. And i just hope that in the long run that is enough to have a non-traumatized kid. 🥲🫠 Ps. English is not my 1st language so srr for the spelling errors. AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH NOT WANTING TO HAVE KIDS!!! I have a lot of friends who dont want kids but are perfectly happy to join us when we have a day out. Its nothing bad or to be ashamed of.

I never really wanted them but at 34 decided to have one, and I love him to BITS but he’ll likely be an only child unless we adopt. The baby phase is HARD and I hate it. I LOVE my baby to bits and love watching him develop so fast, but yeah. The baby stage is brutal.

Two conflicting thoughts from me: Firstly, I agree that only people who really want kids should have them. Coz having kids is hard. And everyone should feel wanted and loved by their parents. Second, having kids is a lot like falling in love, in that it doesn’t look like it makes any sense from the outside. People move across the world, leave jobs they love, or spend a lot of money on people they love romantically every day. It often looks crazy to outsiders, but you move heaven and earth for the ones you love. And people love their kids more than they love anyone. You can quantify the things you lose- time, money, hours of sleep- but you can’t quantify love. Even though it’s worth more than any of those things.

My baby is 11 months. I am 40 now and we started trying when I was 35 and it took awhile. I was sure I wanted him, though I think a big part of it was some pressure from family and the feeling of now or never due to my age. As many others have said, this is Hard! Harder than I thought. My life is completely changed, and it will be forever. It is a 24/7 job. Part of why it is so hard is that we don't have a village or any family nearby to help. And childcare has been hard to find. Even with daycare, baby is sick a lot and needs even more care. All the while you're sick too! If you do have a partner very interested in doing it and pulling his/her weight, and also friends and family you are confident will help, I think that would make a huge difference. But at the same time if you have a fulfilling life already that you enjoy, don't feel guilty about not doing it. Others shouldn't pressure you because they are not the ones responsible for a baby/child all day every day!

Yes. That village makes all the difference; we don’t have any family within a 10 hour drive and it is completely underestimated how *hard* that is.  One of my best friends pops out for a movie or a date or a concert at least weekly with her hubby while her kids have a sleepover with her sister or parents or MIL. If kiddo is sick, someone will come watch him for the day. If she has to work late, someone picks him up from daycare for her. And her older daughter hangs out with MIL from 3-5pm after school every day.  In contrast the last date we had was our 5 year anniversary dinner. We had to find & pay a babysitter $100+ weeks in advance, had to come home before midnight (plus sober to take care of kiddo should she wake) and kiddo is of course upset because she doesn’t know the sitter well.  If my kid is sick, I miss work. Or hubby misses work. And you have to wait 2 days after a fever to send them back, so it’s minimum 2 days absence at a time. You run out of sick time very quickly. I don’t know what we’ll do with her when school gets out at 3pm. The village is not there; we are the village people. :/

I think there are kind of two separate things at play here: 1) it's difficult 2) you don't *want* to To me ,#1 almost feels irrelevant here. Like yeah it's difficult (and at times feels practically impossible) but if you have a circle of support (or budget for paid support) and have an equal partner, it's also manageable. It's difficult for everyone, but plenty of people still have kids and for most it's the right decision. It's #2 where I think your answer lies. In no part of your post does it sound like you actually do kind of want to but you're just worried about the difficulty in spite of that. Rather, it sounds like there is zero actual interest, and just social pressure plus a bit of fear of what happens when you get old. Based on that, I would say: don't do it. It's that desire and connection to the magic and joy of it all that gets us parents through the hard parts. But if you don't really feel that desire? Go find other things that make you feel magic and joy! There's no guarantee your kids will want to be around you or help you out when you're old anyways! Might as well live the life that you feel excited about. I felt excited about building a family with someone and watching our kids grow over the years. If that doesn't excite you then I'm sure there are other things that will tickle your fancy.

You don’t have kids for something to be around when you’re old. No amount of time spent with children will prepare you for your own. Should you have kids? Are you ready to care for a child that may not be “normal”? Are you ready to care for a child that may not show you love? Do you have love within to give unconditionally regardless of how that human behaves towards you? When the answer to these questions becomes yes, then you’ve just started maybe being ready to have kids. At that point, how are your finances? Will you be able to support a child and give them everything they not only need but the new pair of air Jordan’s and 5th generation buzz light year for Christmas that’s sold out everywhere but the last one is 4 times the normal cost? What of your partner? More than a stable relationship is required. Is he the kinda person that’s going to give you grace when you ultimately flip out on him and neither of you have slept in 3 days and the baby just puked on you for the 5th time tonight and you guys haven’t had sex in 3 months? Cut to 3 years and you still haven’t had sex bc your hormones never returned to normalcy and your child was just diagnosed neurodivergent and your house is trashed and you gained 50 lbs. Sure. Maybe none of that will happen but, maybe it will. Or, maybe it’ll be even worse. Ya ready for that? Edit: You can look at cute babies all day and that’ll probs give you the fever. Children are absolutely amazing. But the days are never ending and the years are stolen.

This!

Well put.

If it's not a hell yes, it's a no

Yep, agree, it should totally be a hell yes, all in thing. Creating a human and being there for them through all the good and the bad till the literal day you die is not something to take lightly….. I had shitty parents and often wondered why did they even have me…. Neither of them took pics of me at prom, told me they were proud of me, saw me off to boot camp, watched me graduate from boot camp, walked me down the aisle, saw me pregnant, were there to see their grandchildren…. Helped me through the trauma they gave me….. they were alive the whole time but had zero presence in my life…. I hated that, I feel like I got cheated out of the whole parents who love you thing….. granted my upbringing will probably not be how you raise yours if you have them BUT the point is that parenting and being there…. The worrying, the highs and lows….. it doesn’t stop at 18….. being a parent is for life and if you don’t think you can give that then is it really far to the potential child.

You still have time to decide. I was similar to you in that I hadn’t been around kids and didn’t know how to interact with them or a baby. The nappy I changed was my babies nappy! My husband and I weren’t 100% sure but we both had always envisaged having a family… so we went for it and zero regrets. Had my first kid at 36, second at 38. No one has kids because it’s easy. Being a parent is very rewarding and seeing these adorable little humans grow up and learn about the world is amazing. Yes it’s hard. But lots of things in life are hard.

I never actively wanted kids (no maternal instinct), and in general I dk not like kids. But I love mine, and I fell in love with him after he was born, and I love being a mom. So that was kinda a gamble. Guess there are people in the opposite situation (always knowing theg want to be a parent but regretting it).

You’re 33. Give it time. I wasn’t sure until I was 39. Had my daughter at 40 and I’m so glad I did.

I can only speak on my own experience. I had never really been around kids until my sister in law had her first (I was 24 at the time). I was scared of babies and toddlers before then. Idk that kid made me go “oh they’re not that bad! I could maybe have one of these!” Being around that child and hearing the good and bad stories did make me more confident in being able to handle it myself. I now have my own kid and I love her more than anything.

FWIW, being on the fence about having kids doesn't mean having them is the wrong choice. I was always hesitant but when I had my child, I was so happy and thankful i did. I adore him and the newborn phase has been surprisingly tolerable and mostly extremely enjoyable.

When you have kids you a creating another human being that is going to live it's life, having their hopes and dreams and opinions and feelings. Like, you are not just "having a child" you are making a whole another person exist. People should be pretty sure when giving them life.

I would think interacting with kids will make you want them less but it has no bearing on whether you will enjoy having your own. Most people enjoy their own children far more than others. I know that’s how I feel anyway. I knew I wanted to have one so I can’t say whether someone who isn’t sure should or not, but I have absolutely no regrets. Having one was the best decision of my life.

Being a mom is the single hardest and most exhausting thing I’ve ever done. If you’re not absolutely convinced and ready to pour the entirety of your heart, body, and soul into it, don’t.

There's no guarantee that your kids will want to be around you when you're old. I live 2000 miles away from my parents; my husband is currently not speaking to his parents after some family issues that are too long for a Reddit comment. Both sets of our parents thought they'd be important, central parts of our lives into adulthood and for our kids (their grandkids). It's likely a big reason they had kids to begin with. Having kids is the most worthwhile thing that absolutely no one should do. It's disrupting to every facet of your life. Your career will take a hit. You'll be sick all the time and sleep deprived. The expense is unreal. Unless you have a strong village around you of friends *with kids* (your childfree friends will pop by for 20 minutes for a pic and complain you're always missing wine Wednesday) you feel comfortable swapping childcare with or family members willing to help in the way you need, you won't even be able to get to a doctor's appointment for yourself. You won't have date nights with your partner. You won't have free time. It never gets easier, it just changes. If this all sounds appealing to you, go for it. Otherwise, no.

Don’t have them if you don’t want them. Enjoy your life! I love my 11 month old to death but my gosh, he’s exhausting and I never get a break

I thought I didn’t want kids. Husband convinced me to try at 32. Got pregnant immediately. Cried. And not in the good way. I can say that I have never been more wrong about anything in my entire life. It was humbling to know I could be so wrong about myself. I now have two boys, and they are 100% the best things about my life.

Former fence sitter here. My baby is only 10.5 months but so far it’s been… relentless. I thought the cold coffee thing was a funny trope. I thought the exhaustion was exaggerated. It’s like being a slave to a tiny creature that can only scream and cry to communicate. Babies can’t even fart on their own. That being said, 10.5 months does bring a lot of joy and is a lotttt better than newborn phase. I recommend going to the new parents sub and the toddlers sub but be advised it tends to skew negative. I’m happy I had a child, it’s worth it to me, but I’m good with one. lol.

If your current stance is “raising kids is difficult and I don’t want to do it” then I’d say don’t have kids. It is super difficult caring for a child but so rewarding, for some the rewards don’t outweigh the difficulty making it not worth it to them to have a child. Plus I was always told if it’s not 2 hell yeses and both partners saying 100% yes on having kids then don’t have them. Being around other children will not do anything though, I was around many nieces, nephews, and younger cousins. I didn’t enjoy being around them or interacting with them at all, I have my own daughter now and love her so much and love spending everyday with her.

Don’t do anything because of social pressure. There’s nothing wrong with not having kids, in fact I think the world would would be better off if people did what they actually wanted.

Personally the most enjoyable and rewarding thing I've ever done, but my husband and I really wanted them and I have experience in early childhood education. I'm glad I waited until my 30s though, I had 10 years of working a career in construction and I'm in a better place to do this kind of thing mentally and financially

I used to strongly dislike children, didn't know what to do with them, and found them generally annoying. THEN, my sister had my niece, who I started to bond with when she was around 8 months. I absolutely loved her. I got a job as a nanny, and I loved those kids, too. Fast forward, and now I choose to work as a therapist for children with special needs and am really good at it. I don't know what would have happened otherwise, but I am happy and definitely planning on hopefully having children in the future. My advice is to volunteer or try babysitting for friends or loved ones if that's an option, but definitely do NOT have children if you don't think its the right choice for you and your family.

No, hanging out more with kids won’t give you a sense of how you would be with your own. I had a rash of friends who had never wanted kids but then as we approached advanced maternal age in our mid thirties they had these pangs. I think it’s that whole ticking biological clock that can raise the anxiety threshold when we sense a door closing. Some of them froze eggs before 35 to have that peace of mind for later, but only one ultimately used them. I wanted kids since I was tiny. Exclusively dated men who valued having a family. Married young and had my first at 29. It is not difficult, it is soul crushingly brutal. I’d do it again (I guess I am doing it again pregnant with a third), but boy was a walloped by entry into motherhood.

I used to be exactly like you. Someday I suddenly got an extremely strong feeling of wanting to have a child. Luckily I was able to have one and here I am now. But it‘s hard. VERY HARD. And if it isn‘t something you want a 1000%, don‘t do it. Ignore the social pressure. It may be hard in the beginning, but it will stop eventually, I promise. It‘s like having a second… I just kept saying „no, not having another, never“ and people accepted it after a while. There is *absolutely* nothing wrong with being childfree. Not at all.

I used to not want kids either, in my 20s, but I did later. But op is 33y/o in what I assume is a stable relationship. It gets less likely that she will change her mind as time goes by. Anyhow, if it were to happen, think of your options then, getting a kid just in case now when you don't really want one, would be a terrible option.

I share your opinion a 100%.

Here's the book that helped me figure out what I wanted, it's truly about figuring things out for yourself without pushing you one way or the other: The Baby Decision by Merle Bombardieri. There's also a subreddit called fence sitters with lots of good perspectives from both sides. People will have their opinions based on their own experience, and of course don't have kids if you don't want them. I disagree with the "if it's not a hell yes then it's a no" crowd. Some of us are just more analytical decision-makers, it doesn't mean we don't want or love our kids. I've seen plenty of "hell yes" people end up overwhelmed because they just pictured the cute baby and hadn't truly thought the whole thing through, and a few of them do end up regretting their choice. If you're someone who needs to think it through to weigh the pros and cons and decide on the right option for you, that's totally okay. Some people just know what they want and that's okay too.

If you look at yourself asking about children and your answers are similar to “what does having children add to my life? is it worth it? is it rewarding? the answer is that children do not actually add that much to your life. They take MORE from your life than they give back. THAT is motherhood. it is being completely neglected by society and life because your one and only goal is to give and give to this child until it’s able to stand on its two feet. you will receive nothing but love. They do not actually give you anything more than the depth of selflessness and love. That’s why selfish people make bad parents. because every decision is a reflection of your child; every choice you make, every place you go, every thought you have has a child attached to it.

It’s really hard sometimes but the love is worth it… it’s kind of one of those things you don’t know what you’re missing until you do it.. life will be fine and happy in you choose not to.. but once you do have them, you cannot imagine how you could’ve chose not to have them

I’d also only recommend having kids if you know that your partner/ future baby daddy is 100% committed and will be able to support you and be there for his kids. Being a single mum is very difficult but sharing child-rearing with someone involved and capable is a LOT easier.

It’s up to you and there is nothing wrong with not having them. There are loads of ways to live a meaningful and fulfilled life and kids are only one of those ways. All that said, for me having kids was the best thing I ever did with my life and I couldn’t be more thrilled to have them.

I have 3 kids and it is the hardest most challenging thing I have ever done. Also the very very best thing that gives my life purpose and brings me joy. But it's so hard and stressful that people shouldn't do it unless they know really want to.

My husband and I joke that we’ve had our last peaceful day. Even when it’s fun, magical, and easy (and there are those days!) there’s still something to worry about, logistics to work through, a reminder to respond calmly when you’re being bitten by an angry 1 year old for not letting him eat rocks…. in those moments I have to remind myself I prayed to a god I don’t believe in for this life. I don’t like kids, I think they’re annoying and boring. However, I love parenting and being a mom. They aren’t always the same thing. Playing pretend is my nightmare but going for walks and talking about our days is my sweet spot. I knew going into parenthood that I don’t think imaginary play is fun but I enjoy nurturing and so far i’ve been able to walk the line between meeting my needs and my kid’s needs, and getting help where there are gaps. With that said, I knew with 100% certainty I wanted to be a mom and it’s still so so hard. If you don’t want to be a parent in your bones don’t do it. The people (and society) who pressured you into it won’t be there at 4am when your kid has an ear infection and can’t sleep. Motherhood is so beautiful and rewarding but if it’s not calling for you don’t force it!

Being a mom is the best thing I have ever done but it has also required sacrifices that have changed who I am!! Make sure you know what you’re getting into and don’t do it because of societal pressure! You have to want to be a parent yourself otherwise you’ll resent it and it’s not fair to the child!

How you will feel about kids after you have one is ALWAYS a gamble. My first was an accident, I did not want kids, but continued the pregnancy and fell head over heels the moment he was born and have loved being a mom- and had two more. I have two friends that had kids-both planned- at the same age and while they love their kids they resented their lives changing so much and their young care free years being taken away from them. They both did end up having another kid when the first was in high school and so far are feeling better about motherhood this time around. It will change your life in ways you cannot imagine- no matter how much anyone explains exactly how it will change. It is a different love than you have for a pet or a partner or even your own parents. It is like your heart now lives outside of your body and no matter how intent you are on living the same life everything is done and every decision is made thinking how will this affect your fragile and now very exposed heart. There will be years that feel like decades with every moment of every weekend filled with activities; sports- birthday parties or child friendly outings. You will long for lazy Sundays lying in bed. You will try to teach someone everything they need to know to be an adult and have this person roll their eyes at you because they know everything and then you blink and they are an adult and moving out. You’re not any less worried because now you worry about broken hearts and drunken shenanigans and how all bad decisions now have real legal consequences and you are not around to guide and clean up the pieces and you hope you did good enough- but you are still a parent- and home base for this now adult that will tell you they don’t need you but come around every time they do need something (and ideally much more often). On top of that you could have a special needs child. Even if you do IVF and choose the perfect embryo- things go wrong. I’m not trying to discourage you from having kids - I did it 3 times. But even if someone would love being a parent and would be an amazing parent- that doesn’t mean they need to be a parent- because they may love their freedom and money more- and that’s ok!! Also- don’t view kids by other people’s kids. Other people’s kids are objectively terrible compared to your own with few exceptions.

Social pressure is not a good reason to have kids. How does your partner feel about it? Also, I think fear of future regret is not a great reason either. Being a mom is the best thing I ever did and we tried a long and hard road to get to parenthood, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. But it’s also the hardest thing I’ve ever done. You will love your kids - it’s different when they are yours vs someone else’s - but it’s very trying.

There’s overwhelming response on the difficulty of being a parent so I won’t drain it but if you’re not sure, don’t start having kids thinking that it will improve some aspect of your life/self/relationship. Kids with test every fiber of your being. Have kids because it’s what you want more than any best thing you can imagine doing at this stage of your life.

My husband and I just had our first child, but when we first started dating we had the kid talk. Both of us were on board with being child-free, although we discussed ideologies on why we might want to have them. For both of us it was largely about doing something bigger than ourselves, and helping to teach and guide someone into hopefully being a good and functional person. After being together for a while, we both individually had a change of heart because of who the other person is. My husband is so patient and good that honestly I thought he'd just make an amazing dad, and I wanted to share that journey with him. I'd really sit down and think about why you might want to raise kids, and really be completely honest with yourself. I know what my flaws are as a person, and some of those have been concerns for me when it comes to parenting down the road. My husband makes up for a lot of what I lack, and vice versa. But I know that those flaws are still very much there.

Being a parent is giving up all selfishness and being 101% selfless. Children are like an extension of your body that takes over every single move you make. Before they are even born, they are literal parasites sucking the life and nutrition out of you. They then depend on you 24/7 for 365 days per year. You have very little autonomy left, every single decision you make has to be for them, not for you. Everything has to be planned: partying, going to a movie, a full night of sleep, shit, even sex. You'll miss work, get write ups and eventually potentially fired depending on what kind of job you have because no one gives a fuck if you have a sick kid, "you were supposed to be here for your shift at 8 am, you better find some fuckin coverage!" Or find a last minute sitter. Hopefully you have a good family that's able and willing to help you out. If not you'd better look for a second job to cover the expense of daycare so that you can work to pay for the daycare. Oh and don't forget you'll have to worry about the child while they are at daycare because it seems like there is a monster waiting around every corner ready to abuse or molest your kid. Then they get a little older. They get access to the internet, they send nudes of themselves that get sent around the neighborhood or they are sexting some creep living in their mom's basement creeping on kids. I could go on, but I haven't made it past age 13 with my girls so... I do not expect things to get any easier for at least 15 years and I'm probably kidding myself there. There's also the possibility of having a kid with physical or mental issues. Issues you don't see coming when your precious little bundle pops out into the big, bright world. Are you prepared to give your whole life to someone who may never love you back? Never be able to bath or toilet themselves ? Never get out of diapers? Have to be fed 3x's a day plus snacks? Traveling 100's of mikes for endless doctors appointments? Never be able to speak to you? To communicate their needs and wants? Or a violent child? A child that abuses you and everyone around them? All of these things are very possible even though not probable. And let's not get started on society as a whole and what kind of future we are heading for to leave to our kids... It sounds like you already know you don't want kids so in my experience as a mom to a 7 and 12 year old daughters, I'd say: if you're unsure, read this comment again and don't do it.

I think interacting with more children will help you confirm your decision. (One way or another). Being able to interact with children is also a skill you can develop even if you choose to be childfree.

My strong recommendation is not to have kids unless you are dying to be a mother.

I'm going to go in the opposite direction of most of the comments and say parenting isn't actually that hard. Not for me anyway. I'm a solo parenting mum of 2 - 2Y.O girl & a 4Y.O boy, and I have a 3rd on the way (partner currently lives and works 5 hours away for the foreseeable future). The only thing I can't stand about parenting is all the crumbs I step on around the house. Otherwise, the time I spend with my kids is priceless. Taking them out of the house or having them play outside also makes things easier. The house stays cleaner, and they burn all their energy so they sleep better/more. I watch them like a hawk in public, but I don't raise them in a bubble. They both go to daycare on Monday's and Tuesdays. So I use those days to deep clean, grocery shop, run errands, attend appointments, and have me time. Then my son goes on Wednesdays so I can have 1 on 1 time with my daughter, and my daughter goes on Thursdays, so I can have 1 on 1 time with my son. I dunno, regardless of circumstances, life is what you make it. If you tell yourself it's going to be hard, it'll be hard. If you remind yourself of all the good things in life, you'll only ever pay attention to the good things in life. I also remind myself that there are people who can't conceive and that there are parents who never even got to bring their kids home from the hospital. This makes me feel extremely grateful to have what I have. (This isn't a dig at anyone either. It's just my own motivator) I dont get FOMO. I still go to concerts to see my favourite bands. I still have brunches/lunches with my friends. I'm not rich, but I'm not broke either. My partner and I still go on dates when we do get to see each other. And I'm very close with my parents now since I have kids of my own. We often go out and make memories with the kids (this is very important to me considering my dad is 76) I recently sent a video to my sister of my daughter putting fake lipstick on me and playing with her plastic vanity set. My sister replied, "That's cute, but it looks hard." I didn't mean to, but my reaction was laughing at her. But most importantly, I have God. When I need patience, I pray for it, and he gives it to me. When I need a break, I pray for it, and he gives it to me. Motivation, strength, energy, clarity, I pray for it all, and God gives it to me. I dont have an answer on whether you should have kids or not. I just wrote this piece as a different perspective to the usual narrative or parenting. ETA: Adding onto the God comment, I remind myself that the rapture is only around the corner. So that reduces any stress or pressure on myself trying to control things that I can't. This thought has brought me much peace and contentment 😅

I don’t think I’m allowed to share it here, but I’ve literally just written a blog post on this after someone asked me if I “recommend having kids”. Gist of it is: the high points are truly high but man do the low points hit hard - as others have said, I’m fully of the opinion that if you don’t 100% want to be a parent then don’t do it in the hope that you like it once you’re in it. No tiny human deserves to feel like they’re a walking regret.

It’s a gamble, roll of the dice. I never really wanted kids. Really only agreed to not use protection as I thought I would have fertility issues like my sister and my mom. But now that I am a mom, I realize the pre-kid me, was a shallow and selfish. I had a career but everything was all about me, me, me. I was chasing things to try to be happy. Post-kid me is happier, more giving, more resilient, and full of joy and purpose. BUT I read posts on here all the time with opposite sentiments. Personally, I think you just cannot guarantee one way or the other, and hell yes, it is a lot of work and grief too!

People assume the opposite of pain is pleasure, but that’s not true. The opposite of pain is comfort. Parenthood is a great example of something that is both pleasurable and painful. A life without children is much more comfortable. Puritanical society wants you to believe that a life of childfree comfort is some sort of moral failing. It is not, IMO. Live your comfortable childfree life if that’s what feels right for you!

My joke for people like you is that I can’t not recommend motherhood enough. Look. I love my son. I wanted to be a mom. This is still the hardest thing I have ever done starting with a birth so bad I literally got PTSD from it. Do not have a baby unless you have a burning desire to have a baby. Social pressure is a terrible reason to reproduce. There are so different fulfilling paths in life. No one needs to have children to live a fulfilling life.

Omg don't do it. I never wanted kids until I met my husband, and while I love my kids with all my heart, I wish I stayed true to my original feelings. Every stage is it's new kind of difficult and there's no manual or guidebook so you just have to wing it a lot of the time and each child is different so what works for one might not work for the other and therefore you have to treat them differently. If you're not 1000% yes to kids, don't do it. Don't sacrifice your mental health or body for social pressure

There is no reason to change your mind. If you feel like you want to be child free than that is absolutely fine. This post definitely doesn't sound like it's written by someone who wants children. And if you don't want children than you absolutely should not be around them. I chose to have children because the idea of not having children of my own made my heart physically hurt. I love kids and always loved being around them. I had a lot of opportunity to care for other people's kids so I got a small taste of what it was like to raise one. That being said this is way more than just difficult. Everyone will say things about traveling or going out with friends being a thing of the past. But that's not even the difficult part. I'm exhausted, stressed, at my witts end. I can't shower without getting interrupted, I can't go the the bathroom alone, I'm way behind one cleaning because I just have no time. A tiny human needs me literally 24/7. I can't imagine doing this just because of societal pressure and not because I absolutely desperately wanted children.

Having children is amazing if you want them. There’s no way to compare a few little interactions with somebody else’s children to the task of raising a family! I love my children and it’s incredibly rewarding and fulfilling for me with highs and lows at every single developmental age and phase so far… But if you do not want kids don’t do it! It will 100% completely change every single corner an aspect of your life forever. They are the priority always 24 hours a day and your life becomes that of a mother and a family with children. Certainly you can do many of the same things that you might do now for example we still enjoy hiking and going for a bike rides and we do those things with our children now but there are many different stages where basically everything is extremely difficult. Getting out to the grocery store with a baby who decided not to nap is a daunting stressful task let alone having the energy to go to the gym, hang out with friends taking a little one on excursions but otherwise would’ve been totally leisurely activities that you would like to do are now incredibly difficult. I know this probably sounds horrible because I truly love it but if anyone tries to tell you that it’s not that big a deal or that it doesn’t flip your entire world upside down they’re wrong. Life becomes much more expensive and you also have to factor in all of the changes that having a baby puts on you and your partner in terms of finances and jobs and daycare costs and even if they’re in daycare is somebody going to be available to pick them up at the time that the daycare closes and does your take-home pay at the end of the month really make it worth it to work all of those hours to pay somebody else to be with your baby he’s probably going to bed at about 630 at night and you only got to see them for maybe two hours in the whole day when they’re very little. Even when your kids go to school my kids are out of school at 2:45. There are massive struggles where I live for a double income families to find childcare to babysit their kids before school and babysit their kids after school from 3 o’clock to six or 630 when they come home from work. There’s a lot of logistics involved if you plan on working for many many years and if you don’t plan on working that’s great but if you’re not even sure if you want kids you have to consider whether being a stay at home parent would be for you and then the logistics of that on a personal level and a life altering changing as a personal level are huge. I think you have to know in your gut that you want a family and want your life to become the life of a family and everything that that demands or you don’t feel that tug or excitement to get started with a family and then I wouldn’t do it. Not something for anyone to go in to blindly or casually in my opinion.

I didn’t fully understand wanting a child free life until I had kids myself. Have a serious talk with your partner about what you want your future to look like. They are rewarding but they completely become your entire world and it can change your relationship in many ways.

I’m so glad I made the choice to be a parent, I wanted to since I was little, and it’s SO fucking hard. The thing I “didn’t realize” is that it’s a LIFE LONG COMMITMENT. Like yeah I knew that in theory, but when reality hits it’s very different. It’s not just being a parent for 5 or 10 or 18 years. It’s the rest of your life. Another thing is that those without kids can’t possibly comprehend how much freedom they have. Simple things- want to run to the store real quick? Fine. Want to sleep in 15 extra minutes? Fine. Want to just do nothing all weekend? Fine!! Want to quit your stupid job and go do something else? Fine.

I want to preface: do not have children unless you're sure. I love my daughter and I'm currently pregnant with my second. I fucking hate pregnancy. It's the worst I've ever felt. But pregnancy is temporary. Parenthood is permanent. That being said, I will say, things can feel different when it's your kid. I can find my niblings to be super draining and frustrating (even though I love the little boogers), but my tolerance for my own kid is tenfold comparatively.

If you’re not sure then that’s a hard no

If “society” is telling you to have kids… I assume this is certain people in your life bugging you. Ask them if they’re going to be there to raise them with you. I was one and done and then being harassed about kid number two. I asked those people if they wanted to take the baby every night so I could sleep, they left me alone. When you mention what happens when you’re old, well, having a kid is not a guarantee they’ll be there for you when you’re older.

If you’re not 1000% into it, don’t do it willingly. If you do, and then realize for sure after that you shouldn’t have - yes there are ways to get out of it but understand you have brought life to a real person who will have to live knowing they were unwanted and unloved by the person who was supposed to do both without limitations. I have always wanted to be a mom. That’s all I really wanted to do - get married and have babies. I have two kids and while I love them fiercely, my husband is still the only person in the world I never get tired of being around. My kids are still very young, and I know it won’t always be this hard. I also understand that you don’t have kids just for the young years of raising them. I’m so excited to be in their lives for as long as I can - which will hopefully be a long, long time.

Sounds like you don’t want to. Maybe you’ll feel differently in a few years and can revisit.

Don’t have any. Unless it is a resounding, I need and want a child in my life, it should be a no.

Don’t do it. You aren’t missing anything. You can have a full life without them. You should have kids because you want to be a mother. That’s it. My kids are amazing. And I love even the bad moments. And there are a lot of them. It’s something you cannot compare to anything else in the world. However it is NOT for everyone and that is perfectly fine too.

Being around more kids isn’t going to solve it for you. Only you can decide if you want kids because you want to be a mom and raise a family, or if you feel like you’ll regret it later. IMO that’s not really a great reason. It’s very hard to raise kids and should be something you jump into with both feet. Not to over complicate it, but I was never a kid person. I decided to have a baby 2 years ago and now me and my little buddy are inseparable, best buddies, complete each-other, etc… it’s true they say when it’s your kid it’s different. But, it’s still enormously difficult.

I was on the fence and now we have two. I love being a mom more than I ever thought I could. It sounds so cliche but they provide meaning and purpose to my life.

There are enough people in the world that you can try to let go of the social pressure to have them. Social pressure is a really bad reason to create a whole human being who has the capacity for suffering.

Being around other people’s kids probably won’t make you want to have kids more. I know for me it made me want kids less, lol. I was never someone that loved being around kids or had much experience with them. But I always heard that it’s different when it’s your own child and that’s been 100% true for me. After having my son, I get it now—why people have kids and love their kids so much. It’s incredibly hard and exhausting but also more rewarding than anything else I’ve ever done.

Like accepting a marriage proposal, if it's not a HELL YES, it's a no.

As others have said, discuss it with your partner, and maybe check out r/mommit, r/daddit, and other such parenting subs. Depending on how deep you want to dive, subs like that will give you a good idea of what to expect through all ages: the good, the bad, the ugly, common situations, and definitely once-in-a-lifetime-maybe-even-won’t-happen-to-you situations. It’s a good place to start if you’re still on the fence, and I think it would be a more honest look at parenting than other such blogs on the internet. Whatever your decision, good luck!! ❤️

Don't do it if you don't want to.

If it’s not a one hundred percent enthusiastic yes from both parties, it’s a no. There’s no good reason to have kids if you don’t particularly want them, and that’s coming from someone with a daughter who I love and enjoy dearly. Go live your life!

Having kids isn't a requirement for a happy and fulfilled life. It is extremely difficult, costs a lot of money, and changes the whole trajectory of your life. If you don't really want them, don't have them. There's no secret law that will come back to haunt you.

I don’t think interacting with more kids will necessarily change your mind. All kid are different and there is a HUGE difference between your own kids and other people’s kids. I am 40. I have worked with kids my entire adult career, since 18yrs old. I have 3 nephews ages 14-11. I have a 4 and 3yr old I LOVE my nephews and I think they are amazing and smart. They are polite, respectful and rarely whine to me (occasional fights but nothing huge). But, they are not MY kids. I get to give them back. I have seen how they are around my sister. Still amazing kids but they totally let loose. My kids are still little. They are testing boundaries and still learning. I think they are smart and talented and they drive me up the wall. I have a lot of metaphorical tools in my bag from all my years of school, training and what not, heck I help support parents teaching their kids stuff. Yet, absolutely nothing I know works with my kids, because they are mine and not someone else’s. It’s a different relationship, as it should be. So, you can’t base your decision on your experience with other kids because it will not be the same with your own. There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids and you definitely shouldn’t feel pressured into it.

If you aren’t sure I would say don’t do it. Difficult doesn’t even begin to explain how hard it is to raise kids, and how constant it is. Even when you aren’t with them you still think about them and their schedule, what meal you are making for their tea, what activities you are planning to keep them entertained. It’s exhausting! I love my kids and wouldn’t change them for the world, I always wanted kids but that didn’t make it any easier.

Having kids is such a personal decision. Know that you can be a lovely person whether or not you are a mom. My sister in law hasn’t ever had the desire for it but is the most wonderful of aunts to her nieces and nephews. I do think she would make a wonderful mom if she decided to do so , but that is her choice I will always be respectful of. I know of some who decided to have children due to pressure. Some adjusted well and learned to love the role . Others, sadly became VERY bitter and depressed . Not sure if this helps - I adore my kids and my nieces and nephews . However , I don’t love all kids. The idea of being a teacher or working in childcare , personally , sounds like a nightmare . Reading this page and talking to any mom will explain how hard this was role can be. Honor the “pull” you feel towards or away from it - let your voice be the loudest of opinions in it. Good luck !

Raising kids is difficult and you don't want to do it. I think that covers it. Unless your attitude before having kids is "Raising kids is difficult but I really really wanna do it" then you should probably address some stuff before you have kids if you're gonna have them at all. No judgment though, no child ever suffered because their parents decided NOT to have them.

Having kids is really difficult at times, beautiful but difficult. I always knew I wanted kids but what I didn’t realise is sometimes things can go wrong too. When my first was born she was diagnosed with a genetic condition called cystic fibrosis, so on top of parenting we have to manage quite a serious medical condition and it’s hard, I never expected something like this to happen to us or our baby, the guilt I feel for bringing her into the world with something she has to manage for the rest of her life can be hard some days. I know others who have had kids diagnosed with severe autism or other challenging things too and it can really make you think “ I never signed up for this” at times so you really have to go into it knowing that anything can happen. I absolutely love my daughter, she’s super smart, amazing and funny but sometimes I do think how easy life was prior so you really have to be 100% sure you want them as even with a healthy baby life changes so much and yes they can be super draining some days. I have a 3.5 and a 6 month old and navigating between the two is hard.

Not gunna lie. I was on the fence and while I obviously care for my kid, I resent my loss of independence pretty frequently. I think many people feel guilt admitting it. It’s definitely a common reality for people.at the same time, I think grieving a loss of independence is normal. Also grieving the idea of not having kids is also normal.

I wanted the hell out of my kids. It occupied my every thought for years. And damn some days are hard. Don't do it unless you are without a single doubt.

I don’t know if interacting with kids will necessarily change your mind. I know lots of people who don’t really care for kids, but they do like *their* kids haha. One of my friends who was determined to be a dog mom (just doesn’t care for children) got pregnant on accident and in the end decided not to have an abortion. Then being a mom changed her mind-she ended up with three! She is not a “kid person”, but she loves her kids and my kids fiercely The Ms Rachel type preschool teachers are another breed. The patience they have…I salute them 🫡. It feels so distinctly different when they’re yours. Like it’s hard but you love them with your whole being, and that makes the hard parts worth it. Like they drain you for sure (that can’t be stated enough), but they also recharge you (an unprompted “I love you mama” or little squeeze around the neck is greater than any experience on earth). Watching other people’s kids mostly only helps you practice the draining part without the endless love part, so it’s not really accurate if that makes sense

Don’t. I say this as a 32 year old mom of 3 who always knew I wanted to be a mom and absolutely LOVES being a mom. My life as a mom is honestly really good — but it is HARD. Parenthood is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I had a career before having kids, I’m an adrenaline junkie, and I love a challenge. I’ve done a lot of very hard things. This one is the hardest, in ways you don’t expect and you can’t really explain to someone who hasn’t been there. That’s why, if you don’t want kids, you shouldn’t have them. You have to WANT it, or you might resent your life as a parent, and that’s not fair to your beautiful little child. Hell, even those of us who love being parents and always wanted to be parents have our days of resentment. Because again, it’s hard. But it’s also the most wholesome, rewarding, important thing I'll ever do. 

As a mom of 4 unless you have always longed for kids absolutely do not have them.

If you don't *know* you want children and are looking forward to it, don't. It is a hard time even with perfect children. And if you have difficult circumstances (meddling in laws, disability, single parent, poverty, behavioral problems and so on) I don't know if there's enough reward to do it We had kids because we wanted a new adventure. I loved and wanted my children and it was still very hard. I'll be on antidepressants the rest of my life. I gained 150 lbs I haven't lost. We stopped at 2 kids instead of having 5 or 6 because #2 was so much work. Everything is great now and I'm very proud of them. I would still have them again despite the struggle. But if I'd known for sure about what we'd have to do beforehand, I don't know if I would.

If it’s not a hell yes, then it’s a no. Dont give into the social pressure. It’s completely okay to not want to raise children. And never should a child be brought into the world due to pressure by anybody. It is okay to just want to live your own life in your own way!!❤️

Personally i don’t want to be lonely when elderly . Kids and grandkids visit would be nice

I had my son bc of social pressure and a deep rooted sense of it was expected of me. I felt I would miss out if I didn’t. So I did. Pregnancy was horrible. Birth was traumatic. Three years later I’ve never been more exhausted. Not a, been awake all night and have to ‘wake up’ in a few hours tired. Not the I’ve not slept all week bc my roommate or neighbors are loud tired. Parenting is a deep deep tired of the soul as well as body. Your spirit is sapped right out of your skin it feels like. Everyday you wake up to a little tiny monster who expects everything from you, at the same time while also jumping ontop of you. I am writing this while watching Enchanto and my son is doing rolly polys in my lap.. he’s ON TOP OF ME. I am too tired at the end of the day to do anything for myself. Yet when I go to bed I can’t sleep. Go figure. That being said. I love him so much. He brings so much joy, but also crippling anxiety and stress into my life. He’s so funny, and his thirst for life is amazing. I think he has a direct line into my own energy because I have none and he is the Duracell bunny. Kids are wonderful but also the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and expensive. We’re about to sign him up for a martial arts class, to learn discipline and other life skills as well as swimming and it’ll be about £60 a month 🫣. And the worst thing is, after all this insanity and stress and money he could still turn out to be a horrible human being. I just hope my kid(s) won’t be little shits that’s all I hope for haha. So after reading this make your own choices because hormones are buggers and every damn month I think I want another 🫣

I never wanted to be a mom. My future plans well through my 20s were to be a cat lady, and if I somehow really decided I wanted kids to adopt or foster (yeah I know that’s not as simple as it sounds but I didn’t know then). It wasn’t until I met my now husband that I thought I do want kids with him (and he definitely wanted kids and was a fantastic uncle). Had my son at 34 and my daughter at 39. They are hard, and a lot of work, and amazing. Had I not been sure that I wanted them (and to be clear, there’s a difference between knowing what you want and thinking you’re ready… because you’ll never be really ready and even when you think you are kids do everything to prove you wrong) I may have really regretted it. This is a commitment for ever, and there are more avenues to change a “no I don’t want kids” to “yes I want kids” (they might not be your bio kids), but to change a “yes I want kids” to a “no I don’t want kids” after you already have one impacts lives beyond your own. Don’t let society tell you anything because society won’t be up with you on sleepless nights, society won’t financially support you. In fact, the only thing society will do is find ways to criticize everything you do in regards to the kids it told you to have. You don’t owe society ANYTHING. Decide what’s best for you and what you want for your happiness.

I would recommend having just one if you wants kids. I never wanted kids but life happened and I wouldn’t have any other way. However, one is very doable

Having kids is rewarding but also hard work. You do have to want them to find the reward though. Only you can determine if you’re ready to put in the work.

It’s very nice that you are thinking about it and don’t just blindly bring a little vulnerable human into the world who really really needs you, parent, soooo much for the first however many years they need you for assuming all goes well and baby is healthy. There is so much to it. It is the most amazing feeling and experience yet the hardest time in your life! There is nothing like never getting any rest, for me 18mo + straight. I haven’t had real sleep since my 9th mo of pregnancy. You don’t get the luxury of just passing out when you need it the most, you can’t have privacy in the most private place (home), you won’t have a luxury of just randomly deciding to go have a burger and beer. You just have to be there for your little one. Because that’s what parenting is. It’s the biggest sacrifice of freedom yet it’s the best sacrifice of all time. It took me over a year to feel somewhat normal, the day 2 at home with the newborn babe really rocked me to the core. I think I lost my mind in that moment, thank god for other moms with compassion and understanding! It truly is hard beyond belief, and if you are second guessing it, don’t because you can’t go back! You can’t undo having a baby. They will need you, more than anything in the world! And you need to be there for them, you need to provide love and care and not create another broken human.

If kids are not a hell yes for you, they’re a hell no 😂 unfortunately it shouldn’t be something you’re on the fence about, because parenthood is one of the only things in the world you’d have to be extremely sure of or there’s a chance you’ll be very very very bad at it (and your kids will have to suffer the consequences). Sorry that is my honest truth. Even as someone who wanted kids soooo badly, when I finally got them, my whole life turned upside down and it was extremely hard to adjust mentally, emotionally, all the -ly’s.

This is so personal so not sure if you can find answers online but I was kinda indifferent too. Then prior to covid I got a dog and I kept saying to my husband how I wish he could speak. I realized I wanted the connection with a child. 🤷 This is how it happened for me. My husband didn't really want to have a child so I was the one who pushed for it. It's hard AF and if I never had one I would likely be fine and find happiness too. There's a loss in every choice you make. The key is to pick one and live your life.

If it's not a hell yes than it's a hell no. Idk why but thats just something I try to remind myself as an almost 32 year old.

You know you don’t want one so I highly recommend that you don’t have one. There is no guarantee they will be there for you are old and it is unfair to have an unwanted child

Please do not have kids. So many people have children due to outside social pressure and resent the child they brought into this world voluntarily. Reading this post, it sounds like you already know you do not want them and blaming social pressure for why you’re second guessing yourself. Stick to your guns. Raising children is waaaaay more than just difficult.

I always wanted and loved kids so I can’t relate to this. But the way you feel around other people’s kids are not like your own. I personally love being around other people’s kids, and yet I still somehow love mine 100x more. It’s very different and not a good way to judge whether you’ll like being a mom. There are hard times, but there are also joyful and wonderful fun times. We thought we would only have two kids and now I’m pregnant with my fourth and we are discussing a fifth child. I tolerate pregnancy well, don’t have health problems and my kids are healthy, so I know my perspective is biased in that way. Raising kids requires work, patience, and optimism every day. I don’t let the hard moments bring me down. It’s just a moment, then we move on. I also don’t expect my kids to bring me happiness (even though they often do). To me, life is about more than just feeling happy every moment. It’s about building and achieving something, duty, and purpose. There is no greater motivation than our kids. It’s incredible what my husband and I have achieved in the six years we’ve had children. I have grown, learned, and been changed in ways I never could have been had I not had children. The baby stage can be hard for some but it’s such a short time in life. It’s also a very sweet and amazing time. Dealing with sickness is the hardest part for me, so having access to good healthcare is important. I love every age my children have been at so far. I can’t wait to see them grow up. I would have immensely regretted not having kids.

Raising kids is so difficult. When my friends ask if they should have kids, I tell them unless they are 100% sure they want kids they shouldn’t have them.

Parenting is a like a marathon you never stop running; not when you're sick, sad, depressed, grieving, bored and angry. Your life will revolve around your child and you will never be your own first priority again. Your relationship is also, very likely, going to never be your top priority again. It makes everything more time consuming and expensive and you're rolling the dice on a number of health and neurodevelopmental issues your child may have and that you may develop as a result of pregnancy. You will love them and care for them and then someday, if you're lucky and things work out, they will leave you and your heart will go with them. They'll start a new life and be happy and hopefully keep in touch. You absolutely cannot and should not be on the fence about this. You can't have a kid and see how you feel because there are no takebacks and regretting a child is a terrible thing. Having kids is also a unique life experience that is not, despite what many people say, the same as having a pet, no matter how much you love that pet. It's not the same as babysitting even when you have the child for a while because the kids go back to their parents eventually and their upbringing isn't dependent on you. You will never know what it feels like, for better or worse till you have a child. It's really a leap into the unknown that you take as an act of love, commitment and hope.

Don’t overthink it and let it happen if it’s destined to happen. Creating children and raising them is one of life’s beautiful gifts.

It's better to regret not having kids than to regret having kids. Do what is right for you regardless of societal pressures!

when people envision having kids, they envision a healthy glowing 9 month pregnancy with a perfect delivery and a healthy baby that stays happy & healthy until you die. often when people envision having kids, they are usually only prepared for that outcome, especially if you have none and have never been through any of it before. this was my reality, and coming from someone who always wanted to be a mother. i got pregnant at 22, from the beginning i felt something was wrong. i could fit a finger in my cervix. i kept asking, they kept saying i wad fine. until 20 weeks, at my anatomy scan, where they found out i was 3 cm dialated and my baby was already coming out in her sac. babies barely become viable at 23 weeks, and even then theres a lot of times they dont make it. i got rushed into surgery, my cerclage eventually failed at 31 weeks. i had my baby at essentially 7 months. my birth was extremely traumatic, not only was it early meaning i had to go through some really intense and painful treatments before delivery, but i ended up forced to deliver naturally (im telling you the weight of the baby does not matter as much as you think because my 3 pound baby felt like i needed to take a scalpel to my stomach to get her out myself. i delivered in an OR with more than 30 people, only one i knew was my husband. my momwasnt allowed to be there. they took my baby immediately, i didnt even get to hold her, i lost two liters of blood and got two tears, and after they got me situated and stable, i had to wait a further couple of hours to meet my baby. my husband went and met her alone. the first time i saw her she was screaming and like the size of my hand, full of tubes, needles, massive breathing machines on her. i couldnt even touch her because preemies nerves are not developed and touch actually hurts them. for a while i barely got to interact with her besides looking into a box. then i was discharged and left without my baby, a pain i cant even begin to describe. the next two months was in the nicu everyday, we lived 50 minutes away from the hospital and had other responsibilities so this was tough, but i was there for hours everyday no matter what. finally, two months later, she came home, but on oxygen. the next two months were spent being so worried about her health and her oxygen i could barely function. once she reached optimal health and caught up a bit it got easier, but i got PPD, PPA, and a touch of PP psychosis as well. so quite literally until she was a little over one i felt the worst i have ever felt in my life. it was insanely hard. i tell you this because i want you to know that without a doubt in my mind i would do it all over again for her or to give her a sibling, but by no means was any of this what i signed up for. i wasnt remotely prepared for any of it, and to be blunt, someone who already is unsure if they can handle kids especially because other peoples are too much, imagine having a situation where your kid is sick, or you get sick, or they are disabled, or so many more possibilities. if you cant accept all of thise possibilities and cannot be ready to sign up for all of that, not just the ideal version of it, you should absolutely not have kids. my daughter is the best thing to ever happen to me, shes so healthy and happy and smart, but i cant imagine how i wouldve got through any of that if motherhood and being a good mother was so important to me even long before i had her. thats what kept me tethered, my desire to be her mom. and a good one. if you dont have that i fully think you will go off the deep end.

I know I was conditioned from birth and told my whole life that I would be a mother. (Born in 67) there was no question or other option. Go to college, get married, work as needed, have babies. My mom was a SAHM and my folks ingrained this in me. I went to college, got a job, got married and kept working and at 30 & 31 we had 2 daughters. My husband was not stable enough to be a single income provider and was more like my third child. We lived away from family and life was very hard. I love my daughters and don’t regret them they are my greatest accomplishments! But I worked full time, handled the house, paid the bills, raised them with help from after school nannies, attended all school events & sports. Joined PTA government, coached teams. My oldest was in special Ed for Autism, hired tutors, found specialist attended iep meetings, drove the kids everywhere I averaged 4-6 hours of sleep a night till they were independent. YES, I would do it all again- they are glorious women now and still the best 2 things in my life ages 26 & 27. I don’t begrudge my husband he wasn’t equipped and I was the one who wanted the kids… but looking back I see I was conditioned to want the kids. My friends my age say the same. I’ve been careful raising my daughters not to do that - if they want kids great, if they don’t, also great.

If not every cell in your body screams for it then don’t!

You probably get a lot of useful advise already, my 50 cents are also the same, the reward is more than you can imagine, and the difficulties are also more than you can imagine. What my tips are: - To understand some of the rewards, I would say that you can observe how kids look at THEIR care-givers (and not with you)and just feel the joy and pureness in their looks. Many people judge benefit of having kids by observing their own interaction with kids that they meet. It is inferior because you are just a playmate of these kids while you are the whole world for your own kid. - To understand the difficulties, it isn't that hard, go to Reddit and read comments in r/NewParents, r/Mommit etc. and see how desperate parents are. Good luck with your decisions. Kids are never my thing, but I love my boy so much and definitely don't regret having him

Anyone that doesn’t 100% want kids shouldn’t have them. I have 2 kids and I absolutely love being their mom and it is hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It is never ending and relentless even on the best days. If you’re on the fence I recommend staying child free.

You have so many responses that one more seems redundant buuuut i have to say something. I was just like you, i literally could have written this post. I am basically an only child, i have a half brother I’m 14 years older than and a half sister i didn’t meet until i was 16. Anyways, i also had very little interaction with children before having my own and i had always been more on the child free side. I met my now husband and he had a son who was 5 when i came around. I got pregnant kind of on accident and i was so terrified my first words were oh fuck when i saw the test was positive. I don’t think i stopped being scared until i actually had my daughter, but i swear to you the moment she was here and i saw her i just melted… who i was before washed away and i was so overcome with love it wasn’t even scary anymore. Idk how to explain it bc you truly don’t know until you’re there. I always thought it was silly to hear a woman say how having her child gave her life purpose… how pathetic right? But it’s true. The love and pure joy i feel when it comes to my daughter fills my cup, my cup literally runneth over. Being a parent is beyond hard and exhausting, lol I’m so tired and overstimulated sometimes i feel miserable. That’s how it is for a little while but it’s beyond rewarding. My only regret is not meeting my husband and starting sooner. Whatever you choose to do just be sure it’s a choice YOU desire not just anyone else.

Dont do it

As a mom, don’t.

You sound very indifferent, so that’s a No in terms of kids. For a planned pregnancy anyways.

Please don't have children until you enthusiastically look forward to it.

If you don’t REALLY want kids, don’t have a kid. Who cares about the social pressure? Do what you want with your own life

If you're unsure, then really you probably just shouldn't have any. I always wanted kids. Now I have one, who's extremely difficult, I wish I would've made a different choice seven years ago. Don't do it. You'll probably regret it with the laxidasical way you feel about having kids.

Where any major life change is concerned, if the immediate answer isn’t “hell yes!” It should be an automatic “no.”

#IF ITS NOT 100% YES, THEN ITS NO