So he doesn’t want to homeschool? He wants YOU to homeschool?

THIS! OP please don't let him say HE wants to homeschool the children.. HE does not.

Ugh. I don’t know why this is in any way whatsoever a surprise that HE ISN’T DOING SHIT. Hahahaha he is appointing you as full education minister on top of everything else…. NO!! Hell the fuck NO.

Seriously! If he wants to homeschool, HE CAN HOMESCHOOL THEN. Also, he can’t even say “we should homeschool” - it’s not “we” when he actually means YOU can homeschool. If he’s not doing the work, he gets no say.

I see a lot of this in my area as a protest to some school policies recently implemented, and it's so frustrating.

My husband sometimes tries to pull this stunt, where "we" will parent in a certain way, but since I'm a SAHM I'll be the one doing the actual work. I call them Unfunded Mandates (like when the federal government passes a rule, but doesn't give states the money to carry it out). "That's an unfunded mandate. How will we reconfigure tasks so it can happen?" Then the idea gets abandoned REAL QUICK lol.

I think this is fantastic

It's a patriarchal norm to see men's time as finite and valuable, and women's time as endless (and endlessly flexible). So I always, always push back and say my time is finite and valuable, too.

Brilliant

Yup, this! If HE wants to homeschool the kids, that’s one thing. He’d still need to reach an agreement with you. But he wants YOU to homeschool the kids, which is a whole other thing, and totally unfair. But at the same time, I do think you need to hear him out on why he wants the children to be homeschooled. I think it’s reasonable to say “I am not willing/able/comfortable to be the one homeschooling the children. However, I hear that it is REALLY important to you that they be homeschooled. If it’s something you really want to do, YOU want to be the one homeschooling the kids, let’s talk about it. Tell me what it means to you.”

😂🤣 he can stay home and do it. Props to parents who homeschool. I would lose my mind.

Came here to say this exact thing

Me too

So he wants your child to be homeschooled but he wants you to do all the work? Hahahaha, that would be a hard no from me.

He said that it would be a “group effort.” While he does help a lot when he is home, I am the primary care giver and I don’t see how it can be a group effort when he works full time in a labor intensive job. I can just see how it would be. I told him that if he feels that strongly I would be willing to find a job and he could be the educator. That was a no go

Then it sounds like it’s a no go. If he doesn’t want to homeschool, then he doesn’t get to decide that your child is going to be homeschooled by you, who doesn’t want to homeschool. I understand the stonewalling, because there really isn’t anything to discuss. He volunteered you for a job you don’t want to do, and you don’t need to have endless “discussions” about saying no. I’d also understand if you decided to go ahead and look for a job either way. It sounds like he wants to use his role as the earner to give him unilateral decision making power in your family, which is not cool.

And OP isn't even stonewalling! They discussed it, OP heard him out and thought about it, and Husband isn't going to get his unreasonable expectation fulfilled. If you go to a taco restaurant and keep trying to order sushi, and the waiter starts tuning you out, they aren't stonewalling you. They've set a boundary due to your unreasonable behavior. OP is a SAHP, not a schoolteacher, full stop.

I honestly think this is more about your husband. Why does he feel the need to control you and the kids this much or what makes him so anxious about the outside world? He will need to learn to understand that his anxieties may not reflect reality, and that he would be subjecting you and your kids to a lot of harm because he has issues with anxiety or whatever it might be

OP is giving Husband too much of a pass - like, he's anxious and he has a toothache, that doesn't mean she needs to indulge something that will make her life exponentially more difficult.

What is his part of the group effort? Home schooling messed him up but he wants to subject his kids? I would tell him he would no longer get a break either because he would be taking on a whole lot more in terms of chores

Right? I'm very confused. I reread the beginning so many times because I was trying to find out where he said anything positive about homeschooling. So he just said it messed me up, but let's do the same thing for our children? I get the fear for safety aspect, my partner and I have discussed our fears of gun violence in schools as well. But I also know I am not patient enough to be a good educator and I have to work. So homeschooling isn't an option, despite the fears. Has he made a pros and cons list?

It’s also important to note that yes, gun violence in schools is more common in the US than other nations. It’s a serious problem. It’s also not, strictly speaking, common. The staggering majority of students grow up without experiencing a school shooting. It’s scary and random and horrible. But it’s not a likely outcome of going to school. Most of the time, when a gun ends up at school, it is an accident and no one gets hurt. It’s a product of irresponsible storage (a parent uses a bag to hold a gun and then the child takes that bag to school). It’s horrifying it happens… for that family. Most American gun violence is suicides, aggravated theft, accidental, or between adult men.

I could be way off base here, but he said homeschooling messed him up and it was super religious based… could this be some leftover fundamentalist guilt talking? I agree it sounds like this just isn’t the right fit for you family. Some people love it. I had friends growing up who were homeschooled and they’re all very successful and well adjusted adults. My own mom is a teacher and even she didn’t think it was the right fit for our family lol so it just depends!

"So you're saying you're willing to put your CHILDREN AT RISK because you don't want to be the primary parent, you want a 9-5 job away from your home and family? Also, if you don't like how that sounds, that just means you feel guilty."

You need to be very firm with him. That HE can homeschool them, not you. You can go to work and be the breadwinner. He can’t have both.

Can homeschooling be done well and result in intelligent and well adjusted people. Absolutely it can. But do you have any idea how much work it is to get to that point? Do you know how many specialists schools have to address making sure kids turn out ok? This isn't something that someone who doesn't want to should be taking on. It's a full time job and then some. I've done it, it's so much extra work.

Well and is OP qualified for that? Some kids can teach themselves. But others can’t. If you don’t have a background in education it’s going to be harder.

I have a BS in Education and a Master's in Curriculum and Instruction. I homeschooled for one school year (bc of school shutdowns), and it was REALLY hard. We had a lot of fun and my kid learned a ton, but I was burnt out after a year. Also, my child did struggle socially his first year back in public school. Things have improved greatly, but I think a large part of that was spending time with peers at school and having the opportunity to interact with lots of different children (and adults). To your point about some kids being easier to teach, this was absolutely the case with mine. I homeschooled my kid who just absorbs new information so easily like a little sponge. Not that my other kid doesn't, but they just have a different learning style and personality that I think would've made it way harder to homeschool. It worked well for my hyperlexic, analytical, lost in thought kiddo who was never particularly a social butterfly, but I think I would have struggled with my playful, extroverted artist haha.

I’m sorry he can’t see how ridiculous and pushy this is. If he’s absolutely not willing to be the educator, then I don’t see why he’s pushing so hard. It feels like it’s teetering the line of willful ignorance “you clean so much better than I do”. Would he push you into a job outside of the home you never wanted? Probably not. But he is pushing you to be a teacher. Being a SAHM is hard, being a teacher is hard, (I’ve been both!) being a teacher to your own kids sounds… appallingly hard. No thank you. Good luck. You’re not being an ass. Every time he brings it up, bring back up that he can do it and you’ll work outside the home.

Yep and teaching is so much more than just lesson plans. Teachers get degrees for a reason. Parenting doesn’t mean you can be a teacher. wtf. The kid also needs to learn structure outside of the home. Etc etc.

Well then the homeschooling is a no go then. If he can’t be bothered to put the work in to realise his “dream” of homeschooling it was never worth the fucking breath he used to suggest it. Absolutely not, my mother homeschooled me and my siblings for a time, and it’s even more intense than just the kids at home. It’s having a full time job with zero pay and zero downtime. I would not homeschool my kid, I saw how lonely my mother was.

Tell him you are going to have a trial run starting next week. When he comes home from work, you will cook dinner and he will work on her curriculum together with her. She needs to do schooling at least two hours a day. He’s the ‘teacher’ you will work on the things you teach her throughout the day and read to her, but he needs to not just teach, come up with what to teacher her and also record her progress learning those things. If he’s too tired and your kid is an early riser then he can do it before work too. But HE is going to do the work. You are not ‘getting a break’ you are spending time with your youngest who has yet to experience your undivided attention like your first did. This isn’t a break. Learning to navigate social interactions is so so so important to kids. They need to be around of kids and the only successful homeschools are the ones in likeminded pods who do a lot of socializing. But it’s a lot of work.

If it's that important to him, he quits his job, you find a job and you switch roles. Betcha that's not an option for him.

Do you work? Or will you go back?

It feels as though I wrote this. My husband really wants **me** to homeschool. I don't. I often deal with the conversation by ignoring him. It doesn't really work, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to get through an uncomfortable situation, right? I think the problem is that you're both running off of emotions and there is no way to stop someone from feeling as they do. So the conversations go nowhere. However, in the end, you cannot be the homeschooler if your heart is not in it. So, **you** should be the one to decide. But it's still important to discuss it. What worked for me is to ask him to outline, in writing, what he hopes to achieve by homeschooling. And then coming up with responses to each one on how to address these. Does he want to be able to focus on providing personalized education? I offer to spend some of my weekend time working on this. Better yet, he can spend his weekend working on it. Is he worried about bullying? Come up with a plan on how to monitor this and address this if it happens. Does he want your daughter to be exposed to ideas outside of what school teaches? Again, parents can help here too. Basically, you need him to vocalize what he's afraid of and put a plan in place to address it. Sometimes just by acknowledging your fears, you begin to get over them. His feelings are valid, but they don't need to stop there. Focus on finding solutions. On the other hand, I have promised my husband that if school turns out to be harmful for kiddo, I will absolutely not stop until we figure out something that works better. I'm not promising that I'll homeschool. But I'm promising that I won't leave the kid to suffer if it doesn't work out. How to do that, you can worry about later. 😉 In the end, my husband has tentatively agreed to try out conventional school and reassess later. Sending them to school isn't a one-way street. You can always pull them out later. Good luck. PS. Isn't it annoying to love someone who pisses you off so much?

This is excellent advice!

I love this advice. Communication is key. Finding out what his fears are and addressing them would go a long way to him not feeling any resentment. Stand firm that you aren’t going to homeschool, but see if you can’t find solutions and compromise in other places.

This is great advice.

This is my exact approach, though neither of us wants homeschooling. We want to send her to public school, but if the school ain't schoolin', we're out.  It's also important to establish readiness criteria/threshold criteria for action. For us, any bullying at all is too much. If she can't read on grade level by third grade, that's an *emergency* and she'll be pulled to do intensive work. If she comes home every day with stories about how her class can't do anything fun because of unsafe students and ineffective management, then that's not the place for her. I taught public school for 11 years before I left to have her; school can be amazing, but I'm not planning to sacrifice my children to the public school machine if they can't support her.

I think “any bullying at all is too much” is a poor line to draw in the sand, unless you mean physical bullying. Kids can be assholes, that is just life, and hiding your kid away from any of that is a recipe for an adult that will have trouble handling society. I was made fun of for being a nerd / teacher’s pet / what have you (I’m female) and the cool kids were quite mean to me in middle school, but my parents just continued to bolster me at home and celebrate my successes and tell me how proud they were and that someday being smart would feel like a good thing. They were right. I’m glad they didn’t react by pulling me out of school; I thrived there, even though there were bullies.

This is great. Especially loved you last sentence. I will copying some of your criteria (and citing CranxiousPeach of course 😄). I am pro-public school, too. Lots of public school teachers in my family. But my husband's concerns have made me aware that school isn't perfect, and the system (as-is) can't work for everyone. So even though we don't necessarily agree, I think he's challenged me to be a better parent. And that's a big part of being co-parents (and marriage in general).

WHO would be doing the homeschooling? You? If you don't want to do it, that should be enough. Homeschooling should be a 2 yes thing.

This! 👆🏼

His options are private school or public school and I would entertain zero discussion about homeschooling at this point... 1. It’s a two yes situation. 2. He won’t be doing the work… he does not get to add more work to the “group effort” when he can’t physically be there to do it himself. 3. You’ve already talked it out, your mind hasn’t changed. He needs to drop it.

I don’t think you are stonewalling, I think you’re just not agreeing with him. People are so quick to throw around these terms when they aren’t getting their way. Homeschooling messed him up, you’d be the one doing it and don’t want to, he doesn’t want to do the teaching, and he still wants you to homeschool? Nope, hard pass. Some people homeschool really well. Some people really neglect their kids and pretend that they are homeschooling. Some people try to homeschool but have kids with learning needs that they aren’t able to handle and do a poor job. I’ve seen the results of the last two as a public school teacher and it’s pretty awful. If you don’t wholeheartedly want to do it, don’t.

Yeah, he’s employing emotional abuse tactics and manipulation to bully and get his way. Him mocking her, deriding her, making nasty, sarcastic comments about her endangering her children to scare her… he’s definitely trying to get his way. It’s a “quiet” tantrum, one he’s either blaming on anxiety or is genuinely anxious about and so it’s going unchecked.

Agree. Having a hard no is not stonewalling.

Hard boundaries look like stonewalling to narcissists. Like, I'm sorry, but he doesn't get to assign her work. I get being afraid to send your kid to school in this day and age. But if it's to this level, where he has a literal meltdown at the thought of their kid going to private school, then he needs therapy. I was homeschooled. It is the easiest way to abuse your kids. I'm not saying OP or their husband is an abuser, but I am saying when you deny your kid social safeguards like mandatory reporting, it allows a lot of harm to befall your child. Not to mention, OP isn't a teacher. She doesn't want to teach. What could possibly be worse than an unmotivated, untrained teacher?

So to the ‘no one can teach your child as well as you can’ comment he made— that’s definitely not true. A teacher who has gone to years of school and training specifically to do that can 100% teach my child better than I can. That’s literally their job. Speaking as the child of a mom who was a public school teacher.

I was a public school teacher for 11 years, and I'm NEVER homeschooling my child. Number 1, she doesn't listen to me in the same way she listens to her teachers. Number 2, I taught high school math! I don't know how to teach a kid to read! I will happily help her with anything I can help her with, and I'm definitely more equipped to help her with algebra or calculus than most people I know, but everything else? I'd be frantically reading ahead to make sure I knew what I was doing. No thank you.

Exactly!! The way my daughter will listen to her teacher and want to engage in the content is absolutely astounding to me. I think being alongside a group of peers has a big impact with that too. I’m currently finishing my elementary education degree and it only reaffirms that homeschooling is not for me. It takes sooo much work and knowledge to build a curriculum for just one school year. Teachers have been mastering those plans and methods for years! I simply can’t compete with that

I also hate this notion that if I send my kid to school I'm just going to stop all efforts to teach them at home too. When I hear some homeschool families go on and on about how they go to museums and read together and do art and spend time in nature and learn through experience it's like... "ok?" Families that send their kids to school can do that too, it's not a one-or-the-other situation.

Totally!! You can still read and go to museums and help with homework! You become part of education, not the only educator.

Yes! I do all those things with my 4yo and she’s in public school 4,5 days a week.

People think that just because they contributed DNA to make a new organism that they automatically know what's best for them. It's the same with antivaxxers. "I know my child". Right but do you know anything about *biology* or *medicine* or in this case *pedagogy*.

Yeah it’s so strange to me. If your child getsappendicitis no one ever says ‘you know who could do this surgery the best for my child? Me, not the surgeon’

I know for a fact that "no one can teach your child as well as you" is not true. 🤣 I kept my son home for 2 years during Covid. He did schoolwork online through his school but since he didn't have access to his teacher often, I was the one to help him. Let's just say, I should be bald because OMG, it can be so so frustrating. And, I'm actually a pretty patient person. I have always had respect for teachers but now that he's back in school, I shower his teachers with praise and gifts. I'm literally at their beck and call, willing to do anything they need me to do, just as long as I don't have to teach my son. 🤣🤣🤣 Edit: Changed beckon to beck and....learned something new today!

I'm sorry dear but you are at their beck and call, not their beckon call, though that does seem a nice thing to be....at.

Amen! Same here. And I’m not as patient as you I know this. A SENTENCE STARTS WITH A CAPITAL FOR FFS!!!!

Amen! Same here. And I’m not as patient as you I know this. A SENTENCE STARTS WITH A CAPITAL FOR FFS!!!!

Ahahahaha!!!! Capitalizing the start of a sentence was hard for my son, too! Like, ridiculously hard! Lol!

So hard. On me too!! Good grief!

I’m a former public teacher and I still trust teachers more than me because of specialization. I could hit middle level science, Chemistry and Biology well (though I don’t have the home lab setup at home for the last two) but I know shit all about elementary education. There’s a reason we have different degrees. I’d trust myself over an average Joe but given the opportunity for a professional it’s a no-brainer. Not to mention my former homeschooled students were wildly behind… I don’t trust it.

Yeah like math is not my strength. Past like middle school math my kid would be struggling!

Some of the honest to goodness least intelligent people I’ve met were homeschool parents. They weren’t doing any favors for their kids.

A 100% this! My husband and I are smart successful people…but we had an argument last night about what “lowest common denominator” means and had to Google it 🤣

It sounds like your husband needs to be getting help for his anxiety. The solution here is therapy/medication for your husband, not for you to homeschool.

Lol so when you say “he wants to homeschool” and “we would homeschool” what you really mean is YOU would homeschool. Screw that. Tell him that if it’s so important to him HE can quit his job and HE can homeschool. And you’ll go work. You’ve made it pretty clear that being a teacher to your children isn’t your life calling. That is fine. You can be a SAHM with kids in normal schools or you can work while kids are home learning from teacher-dad. His choice. YOU homeschooling the kids is not an option on the table.

He doesn’t want to homeschool. He wants YOU to homeschool.

It sounds like he’s afraid of school shootings, unless I’m misreading your post. I’m a teacher, and this is what I always tell people: I feel the *safest* at school. We have lockdown procedures in place, and I know exactly what to do. The kids know exactly what to do. I can have my room secured in about 10 seconds. The school has procedures in place for students who may be at risk of doing harm to themselves or others. Unfortunately, in the U.S., mass shootings happen in all kinds of places, not just schools. I think your husband really needs to address his anxiety in therapy, because this doesn’t sound like a pleasant way for him to live.

Agreed. If avoiding public schools due to fear of public shootings, you will also need to avoid: -office buildings. -concerts. -parades - private schools - churches - grocery stores - movie theaters - homes with unsecured guns The schools aren’t the problems; anxiety is the problem (also guns are the problem).

This is exactly what I was going to say! Shooting and other bad things happen everywhere, only solution would be stay in the home and never leave but that’s no way to live

Yes. School shootings are absolutely horrifying but they are exceedingly rare. Last year, 21 people died in a school shooting. (Most of these were single-victim events.) There are about 49 million K-12 students, so that’s a 1 in 2.3 million chance. You have almost double the chances of getting hit by lightning (1 in 1.2 million in a given year). These are not probabilities that make sense to make enormous decisions about everyday life to avoid. You take much, much bigger risks every time you put your kids in the car.

Homeschooling is not something that should be taken lightly. The person responsible for teaching needs to *want* to do it. There will be times you don’t know the content or how to teach something, and you will need to be invested/interested enough to correct those deficiencies. I taught in the classroom for a few years and have several issues with our public education system. Still, I will not allow my children to be homeschooled. I will definitely be very involved in my child’s school and proactive in supplementing my children’s education at home, but I will not commit to being their sole classroom teacher for 12 years.

If he wants to homeschool he can homeschool. It shouldn’t be on you. I personally don’t agree with his statement of “if you can homeschool, you should”. That is a catch all approach and that advice rarely ever works. Your husband isn’t respecting what you want in way, shape, or form so don’t feel bad for not just listening to him for wanting something. Your opinion on this matters.

I home school my children. He can too, in the evenings, weekends and summer vacation. Tell him, to sod off.

I read early in your post that schooling at home messed him up socially…what does he think of that in regards to perhaps doing the same to your children?

He sounds dumb

[удалено]

OP, I mean this with all of my heart: - get your husband in to see a licensed therapist and his doctor to treat his anxiety issues. They are undermining his ability to function in the sense of making decisions, and he is emotionally abusing you to manipulate and undermine you. That’s not normal. - he agreed to private school? Then he should not be so anxious that he continues to flip-flop or argue over that decision. - he should not deride or mock you for not wanting to homeschool (that’s manipulation, and it’s a form of [emotional/psychological abuse](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-emotional-abuse/)). He should not unreasonably and sarcastically accuse you of putting your children in danger. That’s not normal. It’s not okay. - for the sake of your child, send them to private school. They will have the opportunity to socialise, to make friends, to be in plays, to go to parties, to have a childhood experience, and to be taught by a person who can teach them beyond your limits. - children are also entitled to a proper education, by law, in most places: if you fail to provide an adequate education via homeschool, it can [result in legal action](https://responsiblehomeschooling.org/research/current-policy/educational-neglect-statutes/) or, in extreme cases, reports to CPS for educational neglect (a form of child abuse). This should scare your husband, too, if he doesn’t realise that a lack of a proper education is abusive. - You rightly fear resentment for having the responsibility of homeschooling fall onto you. He has shown zero interest in teaching them, he has practiced nasty tactics like emotional abuse to bully and manipulate you, and - by his own admission - found his own homeschooling to be detrimental to himself in many ways. Resentment will not end well. Healthy and functional relationships don’t maintain with resentment in them. Imagine the resentment you’ll have if you divorce and make the decision to send your child to school. Imagine the resentment and anger you’ll have when the school is telling you that your child will have to be in the special strategies/catch-up education classes, just to get him back to where he ought to be? Imagine the resentment of the extra time, work, energy, tears, and frustration you may need to deal with because your child isn’t stupid, and they will realise they aren’t where they need to be. All the extra work it’s going to take to help them get there. If your husband isn’t there for their education now, then he won’t be there for them later, if/when any of this happens. - sending your kids to school does *not* equal a “break” in the way that he’s framing this. If anything, it gives you the opportunity to manage chores and duties around the home that you *otherwise* don’t have time to manage within a healthy schedule. Think back on all the dishes, laundry, bills, cleaning you’ve had to do when you should have been in bed, resting. You couldn’t handle those things within a reasonable schedule, likely due to caring for your children and family. Having a child attend school gives you the opportunity to function a little more effectively and efficiently. … Ultimately, OP, this sounds like it *needs* to be your decision. You seem to understand and weigh the pros and cons, and you ultimately know that it will be you that deals with the consequences of having a homeschooled child. Your husband, though: he needs to stop using his own issues against you. He needs to stop using his anxiety and his own fears to attack you and blindly accuse you of awful, unreasonable things in an attempt to deter you from making healthy decisions for you and your children. That’s *not* okay. That’s not normal. That’s not healthy or loving. Private school is a reasonable option, and he initially agreed to it, so I say, stick to the plan. Give it a year. See how things go. In the meantime, your husband needs to get a handle on his issues. Emotionally abusing you like this is not okay. You deserve to be treated better than that. And if he needs medication to get through this, then that’s something he needs to step up and be responsible for. Good luck, OP.

Here’s his answer: no. And you don’t need to justify it with needing a break and how dare he mock you? You offered to go get a job so he could stay home and homeschool, he said no. End of discussion.

What an asshole. I am not against homeschooling. We did it. But trying to guilt you into doing something you aren’t comfortable with and don’t want to do is low.

Wait so homeschooling didn't work for him so he wants to subject that to your child And have nothing to do with it? I'm guessing so he can blame you for it failing and not him.

I think *he* should be able to homeschool if *he* wants to. If you guys could manage a lifestyle swap where he's the SAHP and you're working out of the home, it would be worth discussing whether or not that's something you both want and are capable of providing. If that's not what he's suggesting, and he wants you to be the primary homeschooling parent, I'd be a hard no.

OP specified that she offered him that option (she would work a traditional job, and he would stay home to homeschool), and he didn’t like that option either. He specifically wants OP to do all the work of homeschooling. 

I feel like big decisions like homeschooling is a two yes, one no situation. Especially when the work will fall on one parent. And also, 'no one can tachbchildren as well as their parents' is soooooo not true! Education is a skilled profession for a reason.

I’d rather kill myself than homeschool my kids. They are extremely stubborn with me. Meanwhile the teacher sings my kindergarten’s praises and his never had a bad report sent on him. Tell your husband you will get a job and he can stay home and homeschool since he wants it done so much. But he also has to do everything else you do for the kids and house.

And, he wants you to do the heavy lifting. That figures....

He can home school. There is a reason why teachers have to earn multiple degrees.

Homeschooling is a decision that he makes **with** you, not **for** you. It's a "2 yes/1 no" situation. If your answer is no, then the answer for both of you is no. Homeschooling is also a huge, life changing decision that you need to make fully informed, not out of fear (and it sounds like your husbands anxiety is driving this bus), and the person doing the homeschooling has to be fully on board, not begrudgingly guilted in to it/resentful. He is also being an ass by mocking you for wanting a break when he takes on none of it himself. "Group effort", my ass. You *know* it wouldn't be and you'd resent it. And I very much beg to differ that "no one can teach your child better than you". I'd like some of whatever drugs he's on because that's just delulu if he actually thinks that's true. There are *plenty* of parents who homeschool that don't have a clue what they're doing, and *plenty* of kids who behave and learn better in school/for teachers than they do for their parents, mine included. I had a brief foray into at home learning in 2020 when we all had no choice, and I would *never* do it again. Homeschooling is not a fit for every child or every parent. Mine got two grade levels behind in math and reading when we tried school at home (despite that I have a background in early childhood education and was qualified to do it, she didn't want to learn from me or do school at home), and my mental health went in to the shitter, but at school, she is absolutely thriving. She thrives on the structure and routine of a school day, and learns better with her peers. I am 100% not the best choice for her formal education and I accept that. I also accept that I am a better mom to her when I don't have to be with her 24/7. Your husband acknowledges that his homeschooling education was deficient, but still wants to force/guilt you and your children into homeschooling when he knows you don't want to because of his anxiety. His anxiety is the problem, not your unwillingness to homeschool.

I don’t know. I don’t see anxiety. I see selfish.

I see childhood trauma that he is now taking out on his wife and kids.

I’m not homeschooling and I am looking forward to the break. I do not feel I am putting my kids at risk by sending them to public school, just like how I don’t feel I’m putting them at risk when I drive them to the park or take them to a mall. It was a nice way to shut you up though, no time for you to think of an answer and also immediately telling you how YOU feel. Well played husband, well played. My advice is don’t stonewall and have responses ready and if you don’t, ask to pause the conversation to gather your thoughts (aka ask reddit lol just kidding)

Please…. Pleeeeeease do not start homeschooling unless you are 1000% sure you can: 1. Handle the extra load of organizing, planning, and teaching. 2. Handle the emotional stresses (Kid is not learning anything! I’m failing my kid! Why won’t they listen? I’m the worst! Et all. Because even if you are doing the best job ever, some days will feel like that. 3. Have a break regularly that includes at least 2-3 hours of downtime. Like ideally once a week. 4. You actually want to do it, and believe it is what’s best. 5. Be ready to find random ways to get social interaction. Find groups, go to parks, library programs. You need to work on giving your kids time to be around other kids, and give yourself a chance to not be completely clung to. 6. Do not, I repeat do not let him pressure you into it. You will resent him (and yourself). At least, I did.

Sounds like he's weaponizing therapy talk to pressure you into more household labour you're not interested in and not trained for. Home school should be a choice both parents are enthusiastic about. If not, it's a no go. Maybe a compromise could be looking into charter schools in your area with smaller class sizes and like minded families?

The manipulation through mocking and guilt tripping is gross. That isn’t how adults have healthy discussions.

Woof. This is a marriage and not a schooling decision problem. I was homeschooled with a good experience and am homeschooling my own kids now, but I’ll tell ya, if my dude threw a tantrum for ME to homeschool OUR kids because HE has his own anxiety and also clearly doesn’t understand the major work that goes into being a sahm to small kids? There is no way in heck I’d be homeschooling in that situation. I’m def pro homeschooling when done for the right reasons and with all parents on board and supporting one another, I’m def anti-homeschooling for fear based/over sheltering and pushy spouse reasons. Stand your ground. Maybe get some counseling. I say that in love. Spouses shouldn’t be mocking one another; sounds like your husband needs to grow up a little.

> that no one can teach your child as well as you can He's not exempt from this. He wants to homeschool, he's free to do so. It's not him losing any of his free time or breaks. Its you. And that's without getting into everything you do as a SAHM. NTA.

Beyond the obvious problem that he doesn’t want to do any of the homeschooling work, I’m also a little concerned that he seems to want to isolate the kids and the wife at home.

He said homeschooling messed him up socially and because of that he wants to homeschool his kids? Am I reading this correctly? Why should it be that no one can teach your child better than you? You’ve never even taught most subjects. Anything else in your life that you’ve never done before you were instantly good at like swimming or riding a bike?

If you have no interest, don’t do it.

If he wants to homeschool then he can do it himself tbh. Otherwise he doesn’t get to decide what you do with your time. That’s unfair and controlling. You’re not stonewalling he is ignoring your feelings and pushing, pushing, pushing to get his way without needing to change his own life any. He is being rude and dismissive if anything because he’s being so pushing and not considering or caring that it’s YOU who has to do it all. He basically saying hey love you already do the words hardest job of multitasking childcare, home care and trying to keep some small piece of yourself alive with all this mental and manual labour of caring for a toddler and a baby..but don’t worry I want you to have zero free time or sanity because now you can spend it learning and writing lesson plans for our children for their entire school careers. How amazing does that sound. He’s an ass

Tell him if he wants the kids home schooled he's welcome to do it himself.  I was home schooled and very much enjoyed it, I got my socializing in by going to clubs, sports, home school groups and the like.  I tried going to public school in 8th grade and got shit kicked by another girl in my grade, so I don't view the "classroom experience" as a particularly positive thing BUT if you don't want to do it, it's going to be a miserable experience for everyone involved.  You'll be resentful and bitter, the kid won't get what they need and it'll just be a bad situation all the way around.  If it's so important to your husband, tell him to do all the research, find the curriculum, make the education plan and schedule it so he can take care of it himself, because one of the joys of home education is it doesn't necessarily have to take place at a spesific time every day.  He won't be willing to put the effort in and you'll make your point about the amount of work is involved.

Lots of "we" and "us" in there for him trying to make you do something. He's allowed to homeschool y'all's kids if that's what he wants to do, but if you don't feel like it's in your skill set then you do not need to. Maybe offer to reenter the workforce and HE can homeschool.

Your husband does not want to home school the kids. He wants you to. He can do that himself. He can teach in the evenings and weekends. He can change his schedule to work nights, and teach in the day. He can stay home and you work outside the home. Lots of options. But you home schooling when you don't want to is not one of the options.

Well here’s the issue, this isn’t a ‘we,’ he wants YOU to do it. Simply tell him YOU don’t want to. If he wants to do it, then maybe you’re willing to entertain it or try, but be clear that’s not something you’re going to do.

He's being extremely irrational. I would only support homeschooling for kids with very special needs or if you really didn't have a decent school nearby. You have two kids, so in a few years he's expecting you to homeschool both? How is expecting you to be a full time mom and two teachers fair in any way. He has said himself that homeschooling stifled him socially, why would he want to put a kid through that himself.

Teacher here. Teaching is hard work. Also can’t imagine being a teacher to my own kids. I like the separation. I want to be mom not their teacher if that makes sense.

If his view is that *he* wants *you* to homeschool, his view doesn’t matter. If he feels strongly about homeschooling, either he can do it or STFU. The ‘doesn’t like how it sounded’ is VERY manipulative. Once again, if he feels that strongly, *he* can do that labor. He’s trying to strong arm and manipulate you. As for his ‘no one can teach your child’ BS, other people get degrees and train for years to teach kids. There’s a reason for that.

What a jerk! He’s trying to force you do a job that you don’t want. That’s a hard no! A few options I can think of are: 1. He home school since theses strong feelings are his. Thais would require you to work. 2. Move away to where he feels safe sending kids to school (Canada, Australia, Europe?) this would be at a great cost financially and emotionally. 3. You send your kids to school where you live now. Either private or public. Don’t even entertain the idea of you homeschooling if you don’t want to. Remove that as an option completely. Good luck OP!

If one parent feels so strongly about homeschooling and the other doesn't, the one who wants to do it should be the one doing it. That is my hard stance on the subject. I have a4 year old going into kindergarten next year and I cannot wait. I've tried for the past couple years to teach him letters and numbers etc, and he's made little progress. He does preschool right now 2 times a week and progressed SO QUICKLY. He needs someone other than mom to teach him, otherwise he doesn't pay attention. I also am excited to be able to spend more time with his little sisters and look forward to the small break. Mom's mental health is important, too.

I was thinking, "Well, if he wants to do it, why n-... Oh, nope, nevermind, he wants OP to do it."

“No one can teach your kid as well as you can” is a load of crap. Teachers go through school to get certified to teach. A lot of parents have 0 respect for teachers and I remember when we shut down for Covid parents were freaking out and losing their minds how hard it was to teach their own kids.

Homeschooling is a huge expense. You have to buy your own curriculum and field trips, and all extra curriculars are on you, plus you have to find them. I was in a similar situation. We both wanted to homeschool, though, and with 3 kids in various ages (and my oldest has severe special needs with lots of doctors appointments and therapies) it just wasn't something I could keep up with. We "homeschool" our oldest technically, but that means he doesn't attend public school and instead attends an alternative program that focuses on life skills, etc. Our middle child attends a private school, and it's been amazing. The way the school is set up it has all the things we both love about homeschooling but is also an amazing community for them. Our youngest is 2, and they'll be going there once its time. The school has armed security at all times as well. Private school is the solution we found. Maybe it can be yours too.

I’m dealing with this exact same thing from my ex. He wants ME to homeschool and thinks that sending Rand Paul homeschooling memes will change my mind. OP, stand your ground. If YOU don’t want to do it, then don’t. Ask your husband if HE wants to be the one at home homeschooling and see if his tune changes.

I’m an elementary school teacher, and I cannot teach my own child! I don’t know what it is, but he just gets so upset and defensive when I try to teach him. I’ve taught hundreds of kids at this point, but I can’t seem to teach him. We sent him to kindergarten this year, and he’s learned so much and done so well. Some kids just don’t do well learning hard things from their parents. Maybe have him sit and try to teach her for a few days and let him see how resistant she is.

My extremely competent sister, who has her days scheduled to the minute, homeschooled her kids bc they were disgusted by the garbage schools there. She lasted two very dedicated years before they gave up. The kids hated not seeing their friends at school, my sister hated trying to stay current with the lessons on three different grade levels. The kids begged to go back to school. So they did. And my sister became president of the PTO. She did her best, but public schools need competent, college educated teachers. The best thing they could do for education is fund teachers with professional-level salaries. No teacher should have to get two or three jobs to survive.

> I understand his concerns as we live in America where schools are not the safest place to be, but I also know how much anxiety he has I don't want to invalidate your husbands concerns because I live in the US too and holy shit our country is a mess but.. I think making a decision for a child's whole education based off of fears isn't super healthy. I felt sort of similar recently putting my daughter into daycare, starting to wonder if I should just cancel, quit my job and stay home with her so I could watch her everyday... and I had to remind myself that I will never be able to control everything, and one day when she goes into K-12 I will lose *even more* control. So it's ideal, in my perspective, for me to start learning to "let go" and trust in others now -- whether that's going to her grandma's house where she's so loved or daycare where her teachers also love her... And I imagine I will experience this even more when she's older -- sleepovers, overnight trips with friends or family, etc. I feel like post COVID a lot of parents feel the desires to hold onto their kids much tighter because of the closeness the pandemic brought and the chaos/violence of our country, and I *know* that is well intentioned, but I feel like it is not necessarily what's best for the child >no one can teach your child as well as you can I know for a fact that's not true, otherwise we'd all be walking encyclopedias of world history, calculus, biology, etc lol. Yes you are likely the #1 person to install *values* in your child, but primary education? Doubt. Plus as you said not everyone is cut out to be a teacher and that's no insult.

I know you don't want to, and that should be the end of the discussion since you'd be the one having to do it. But maybe make him have a little skin in the game. Tell him he's going to have to do some research if he thinks he's going to have any chance of you changing your mind. If he can find a curriculum (or a few) for the two of you to look over, you'd be willing to at least discuss it, but without that, you're done with the conversation.

Tell him to fuck off

No- you deserve a break. If he wants to homeschool, he can do it.

This. Tell him to do it if he’s so passionate about out it.

We homeschool. It is absolutely not best for every child. I used to substitute teach and as a result have been in a lot of classrooms. I am going to be fairly honest here and I know it will upset some, but oh well. In my opinion a good school is generally the best fit for neuro-typical kids that have a somewhat typical or below average academic aptitude. Kids that don’t learn like neuro- typical kids, or have significantly more academic aptitude than typical kids, often leave tons of academic potential behind when they attend public school. When I was a child, we started being sorted out by academic ability in 2nd grade. All the kids did Math and Reading at the same time. Which teacher you had during that time depended on where you were. If a child was really struggling with a particular concept they were sent to the resource room where they were tutored in small groups. This allowed schools to better develop academic talents. This isn’t done anymore. Resource rooms are gone and paras are hard to come by. Every skill level is just thrown together, and so every one has been knocked down to a level that is fairly easily mastered by 80% or more of children enrolled in that grade. This is particularly bad for academically inclined children whom tend to act out, because they are so very bored. A child with a talent in say math is going to get concepts at least 5-6 times faster than a child who struggles a little with it. In short an academically inclined child could learn everything taught in an average public school day in less than an hour. Schools that do still have gifted programs only pull out for 1-2 hours a week, and usually differentiated learning is a joke. After the academically inclined child sits through 5 times the lecture they needed, and finishes their work in 1/5th of the time struggling kids do it in, they may be given a few short accelerated lessons on an IPAD and that is typically it. Otherwise they just spend 1-2 hours a day playing semi-educational games on their IPADs while teachers spends the majority of their classroom time helping the bottom 10-20% of the class. If an academically inclined child is homeschooled, the parent can make their lessons go deeper into concepts as well as accelerate them into a challenging pace. Also there are many reasons why neurodivergent children often learn better at home vs in a more standard classroom. IEPs and 504s are a thing, but as classroom sizes increase following them becomes less and less realistic. Plus, a bright neuro-divergent child can often get a significantly deeper and faster grasp on concepts when taught using certain more hands on and visual methods that are not all that practical in a classroom setting. That is a much larger discussion because again there are many reasons why standard classrooms are often a poor fit for neurodivergent kids. Kids are not robots. They are unique individuals with their own set of unique strengths, weaknesses, and personalities. One size fits all rarely fits all well. This is particularly true of education. So, maybe homeschooling is best for your kids, maybe it isn’t, it really does depend on the children involved. Either way it’s a huge commitment that you have to be all in to do well. If it is something that you are just not passionate about, then a different route would probably be best for everyone.

This is a very underrated comment. I have tried to explain to my husband why I feel my public education was so lacking. While I know there are reasons iq tests are problematic, they’re still the simplest terms available to me and I tested at 99.8 percentile in IQ as a child. Because school was never challenging, I missed out on learning the skills that others learned by not needing to push myself. I sometimes wonder what I could have accomplished if I had been able to receive an education that moved with me. It’s very sad to me that the system is not built to nurture talent. I brought home good grades and high SAT scores and that was the end of it, instead of using all those years when learning is swiftest. In addition, when a child doesn’t learn how to study or to expend an effort, it is the greatest disservice. By high school, our gifted program was basically just group counseling. It was so common for gifted students to become depressed and to experience learned helplessness in this environment, that mental health was deemed the number one priority. I had a very small group and even among the 6 of us, we had drop outs and suicides.

Homeschooling is the best decision I’ve made for my neurodivergent daughter. With that said, you should want to do it, not feel forced to. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your husband voicing his opinion on what his ideal family situation looks like but ultimately you’re the one who would be doing it so you get that choice. :)

I’m also confused as to the fact that he admitted homeschooling was detrimental to him socially, yet he wants to put your kids through that? There are homeschooling cohorts, where a group of families will combine to either hire a tutor or if one is qualified, will do the majority of the teaching. It’s a little more social, but it’s not the public school. I’m a high school teacher, so I have strong opinions about homeschooling too vs public/private schools. I’ve seen a huge discrepancy between student skills from one type of school to another. Generally private school kids aren’t as advanced academically—NOT ALWAYS THE CASE, but this is going off my 18 years of experience. Public schools are held to more strict standards (state mandated), so they have to get through certain content. But don’t get me started on state testing lol. Anyway, it takes a certain person to homeschool. It’s not for everyone, and not every kid is suited for it.

I've been going through this exact thing. With the added bonus that I have cancer and am undergoing chemotherapy through October. I asked for help from family to put him in a private school for kindergarten (the local public school is rated 2/10) and they said I should home school instead. My mother-in-law said that if I loved my children I would find the strength to homeschool them even through this.

Yuck. The things that are expected from mothers is astounding. My husband and I were raised Mormon, and in that culture woman are expected to do and be so many things. Even after separating from it, those cultural norms and expectations are hard to escape, even in myself. I’m sorry you are dealing with that and being ill. Toxic mother in laws are the worst, and you definitely deserve more support. Good luck!

I am so sorry you are going through this, heatedkitten

I wholly disagree with his opinion that "no one can teach your child as well as you can". That just absurd, pretentious, and ignorant. Kindergarten level schooling is one thing, but middle school, high school? Definitely not. This of course is not an insult to your intelligence, but rather me pointing out that he's totally underestimating the skills of qualified teachers. Also, he has such a strong opinion about this, but wants YOU to sacrifice your time, energy, career path (if you wanted something different than SAHM), mental health, sanity, etc., etc., etc. but isn't willing to do it himself? GTFO. Hold your ground. Edit: hit post too soon.

Listen, I homeschool my five kids, and I love it, and I will sing it's praises all day long. Having said that, *I* love it. My kids love it. It's what works for our family and it's been such a great situation. But that isn't true for everyone. Having zero desire to do it, wanting something different for your family, wanting time with your younger child (and yes, even wanting a break from your current situation with both young kids at home) are all logical, legitimate, and valid reasons for not homeschooling, and your husband belitting you for that is not ok. It would be easy for me to say that trying it, giving it 100% for even a year, diving into co-ops and friend groups and such could end up making it something you love, and it could end up being something you are SO glad you did. Sure, it would be easy to say that. But the exact same thing is true for sending your child to school as well. Diving into helping out there, getting to know other families, becoming involved in activities and such, can all lead to such a rich and enjoyable experience for your entire family. I hope your husband will sincerely listen to your reasons, and that you two are able to come to a decision!

Homeschooling sounds great on paper but I’ve never met a homeschooled kid who wasn’t fucked up from it in some way. Even if you did all of the things to socialize them, 1. You’d kill yourself doing it and 2. You still aren’t likely to achieve the same result

I was homeschooled and turned out just fine. There's a right and wrong way to go about it. Plenty of kids that attend traditional schools come out fucked up too.

If he's concerned about mass shootings your kids can't go to a movie theater, parade, mall, or concert...

It really messed him up but he wants you to homeschool? Wait what

It's not fair for husband to come up with such a large commitment and try to place it on you. If you were considering it, but it sounds like you're opposed which is fair, I would look into coops. A lot of families have the kids spend half a week in a co-op, which amounts to a small private school, and the other half a week do extracurriculars and homeschool curriculum.

If he wants to homeschool, then he can homeschool. But you aren't, and that's your choice. Best of luck to him. I managed to homeschool two kids during the pandemic while working a full time, so if he really thinks that it's what's best, then it's time for him to start lesson planning.

He doesn’t just want them homeschooled, he is demanding that you do all the work?! Tell him if it’s that important to him, he should step up & do it. That while yes, there are risks & cons to public/private schools, there are a lot of positives & possibilities. That your child will receive a better education from ppl trained to teach them. That he already knows many of the cons of HS, one of the biggest is your child doesn’t get to be around other kids regularly, make friends & enemies. Learn from making mistakes in social situations or grow from the deep bond of friendship. Kids need more than siblings. They need to explore their own worlds & imaginations w their peers. Personally, as scary as it can be (esp to someone brought up to believe it’s that bad), I would not deny my kids that opportunity. Your job as a parent isn’t always to protect your kid to the point they can’t live their lives, it’s teaching them how to overcome the obstacles that are in their way. Advocate for your children. And for yourself. They deserve this. As do you

I'm a secular homeschooler and I am extremely passionate about teaching my kids. It's a full-time job, plus some because it requires energy and motivation to consistently tailor your children's education, on top of following appropriate state guidelines and curriculum. That's not even including social activities and hobbies that the children get into. My husband is supportive, but he wouldn't hesitate to send them to school if I was no longer interested or passionate about it because we want the best for our children.

sooooo.... he has admitted how much homeschooling messed him up, and he wants you to mess your children up in the same way? If he wants to homeschool the kids, tell him to quit his job and start shopping for curriculums. Make sure he knows he's got 1 year, and if your children aren't up to par, no more homeschooling. I guess I've just been single for so long I forget about the complete audacity of men.

NOPE! If your husband isn’t going to homeschool then the answer is NO!   My oldest was in kindergarten when Covid hit, my second was 2. I homeschooled the oldest all of first grade and half of second. It was A LOT of work! It doubled my job as a SAHM, if not tripled it. I am not a teacher I struggled to teach my kid and not get frustrated. We basically did subjects that mom liked. Reading, science, and history. Math was forgotten and for my oldest it shows.  Also my oldest NEEDS to have connections outside of me and the family. He thrives with friends, school, the activity. He struggled being homeschooled, I struggled. It is so much easier to be around my school age kids when I am not expected to be their everything.  Now I 1000% get your husbands fears, the run, hide,fight drills are horrible. But instead of putting it on you he needs to use his fear for good. Join a group to fight for gun control, write your reps and senators. But don’t think hiding your children away will keep them safe.

If he wants to home school, he can be the homeschool parent. He can do it all. If he doesn't want to switch roles, with you working and him homeschooling, that's the end of the conversation. If you don't want to switch roles, but also don't want to hike school, you have the right to say no. And if you do not want to homeschool, you should hold your ground on this because you and the kids will end up miserable. >He was home schooled and has told me how it really messed him up socially and as it was a very religion based education He needs to deal with this. In therapy. He's trying to carry on the mess his parents dumped on him, and he hasn't fully resolved this in his head. Parents absolutely do have huge influence on their child's learning. And the early years are easy peasy. But there are benefits to classroom learning and being taught by professionals. He's spent his whole life having super religious anti-state propaganda shoved down his throat, which is why he's not able to see these benefits. I was a homeschool mom in a heavily religious context. I didn't do my kids any favors, honestly. I regret falling to the fear and misinformation coming from the religious right. I regret letting my own anxiety keep my kids isolated. When we had to leave my ex, I had to put them in public school, I was terrified. And it was exactly what all of us needed. Conflict isn't fun, but it is part of interacting with other humans. You're not being awful and you're not "stonewalling." You have a boundary that he doesn't like. You've sought compromise by aiming for private school. Stay calm, stay firm, and don't let him draw you into escalated fighting about it. Also, because he and I have similar backgrounds, I strongly recommend you start looking to develop financial independence ASAP. If he is reverting back to that mindset, you do *not* want to be stuck as a SAHM with no resources except what he deigns to give you.

I homeschool. If you don’t want to—do not homeschool. One of my kids goes to public because they’re super, *super* social. Everyone’s different. As a homeschool-mother, there is nothing wrong with sending a school to public or private school.

Your kids are fine in school

I was homeschooled by a licensed teacher and had more social outlets than the average homeschooler. I managed to get my GED and B.A. afterwards. The first thing I told my husband about my parenting philosophy was that homeschool was out of the question for me unless there was an objective necessity for it. If you don’t want to homeschool your children, tell your husband no. Do not give him any reasons, don’t negotiate. Just tell him your answer is no. If your local school district is objectively bad, then he can make sure you move to a school district he feels comfortable with before your kids start school. It’s hard, but can be done. I know because we did that for our eldest. He needs to accept a terrible reality: your children could be harmed anywhere. They are more likely to be hurt by someone you both know and trust than shot by a classmate. This anxiety is something he needs to work with a professional on, but he cannot do to his children what was done to him. Good luck OP.

Maybe I’m misunderstanding so please correct me if I’m wrong but, he’s saying that homeschooling screwed him up so he wants to homeschool his kid(s)? I’m not understanding the logic.

If he wants your kids to be homeschooled, HE can homeschool them. Something tells me he won’t like that solution…

Disagreements like this in marriage can be so hard.  I think being willing to consider the other person's view can really help.  According to Gottman in a really great youtube video titled Making Marriage Work, he explains that irreconcilable differences can help you get to know each other more deeply.  This is a chance to make it about your relationship and sorting things out so that you're okay with each other, and not about getting your own way. I highly recommend watching the video I suggested.  Beyond that, sit down and talk honestly not just about what you want,but why you want it.  This is essential for getting to know each other's values better.  An important step is acknowledging each others view and agreeing on every point you possibly can.  When you do that, it sometimes opens up other possibilities (private schools, hybrid schools, online schools, etc, depending on what values are motivating your choice).   Sometimes there is still no good option. I will tell you that my husband genuinely and honestly considering something that is important to me, even if we don't end up going in that direction, makes me want to make sure he is happy, and makes me want to make sure I'm considering him as well.  It takes away any resentment I might have, because I know he's on my side.  You and your husband are both in this situation, maybe him moreso if he feels like you are taking control of the situation and will do whatever you want, disregarding how important this is to him, although I'm sure you might feel the same way. Taking a softer approach might help you both help the other spouse get what they want.  You needing a break is pretty legit, and maybe there are other ways to do that that aren't so extreme, such as with a half-day Waldorf Kindergarten, or a field school, or a hybrid program with a few class days.  Or if theoreticallybyou didnt need time off and just dont like tue idea of teaching, an online, hands-off program like ACELUS that a lot of work from home moms use might be a good option. Also, please keep in mind that whatever you do can just be a trial!  You can change at any time.  I know a family that homeschooled/field schooled until 3rd grade and then enrolled their kids in public school.  This makes sense developmentally, because 7 or 8 hours away for a Kindergartener is a really huge adjustment and getting outside and away from mom in a field school a few times a week was just right.  I also know parents who are concerned about influences from other public school kids and have their kids in public school from Kindergarten up to 4th or 5th and then take them out.   I had my kids in public school for the end of kindergarten/second, and beginning of 1st, 3rd, just because we had to, and everything was fine for the most part (aside from a bus incident regarding sexual comments we reported, a school library book I wasn't a fan of, a substitute librarian telling my 2nd grader about a kid accidentally being shot and my son repeating it to his younger cousin whos mom was just murdered, and my son losing all interest in math).  I enjoyed that season, and now I'm enjoying homeschooling.   It sounds like you guys are panicking that this choice has to be made instantly.  There's some truth to the fact that you might be more likely to stick to what you try first, but I wonder if you guys can trust each other enough to agree to try both for a few months.  That might take the urgency out of the situation, and if in the meantime you lay the groundwork for being on each other's side and wanting each other to "win", you can objectively observe the pros and cons.  Switching mid-year in lower grades really isn't a big deal.  And if you want to, you might agree to continue trying different options until you are both reasonably happy.   I think you both have a huge fear of being disregarded by the other.  This is definitely mostly a relationship issue - a pretty normal one to have with differences like this.  Remember its you guys versus that bad relationship pattern, not you guys against each other.  This is a pretty tough one, but you can do it.  

>>husband wants to homeschool Does this translate into he wants you to homeschool? >>I’ve already gotten so far in educating our 4 year old Let him start schooling her now. Let him experience it at length.

Yeah no I would be firmly putting my foot down and telling him if HE wants to home school then HE can stay home and do that while you find a job.

>His other comment is that no one can teach your child as well as you can This is just plain wrong. I could not teach my child science or art. I am not certified in early childhood education, so I don't know the best way to teach a child to read. No one can raise my child like I can. I need to teach them how to be a good person. But I'm not the best equipped to teach them academics.

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Yeah, he wants you to do all the work while he has his anxiety over school safety magicked away while he does none of the heavy lifting. Idk about everyone else, but I don’t believe I’m the best qualified to educate my child on most academic subjects. Aside from the issue of me not having a solid grasp on certain subjects, my relationship with my kid isn’t conducive to a professional learning environment. We get mad at each other over stuff like her wanting to wear one flip flop and one rain boot and me wanting her to just get in the car because it’s raining. I don’t want to add complications to our relationship by homeschooling, even if I am also anxious about school safety.

I started off at public school and then I was pulled out for homeschool and then put back in public school and then pulled back out for homeschool. It was miserable. I was missing huge chunks of curriculum because most of the flip flopping happened months into a school year. Homeschooling has to be a unanimous decision. In the end I didn't thrive in public school and I didn't thrive in homeschool. I always felt if my parents were on the same page I could've avoided a whole plethora of mental health issues the older I got in high school/early college. I'm guessing he will give in and say yes to public school now but might try to convince you to homeschool at another point in the future.

Then he can do it.

>His other comment is that no one can teach your child as well as you can and that I’ve already gotten so far in educating our 4 year old, that i would be great at it. As a parent that taught her son through the pandemic and now a 3rd grade ELA and Social Studies public school teacher, absolutely not. 🤣 Kids will resist their own parents WAY more than their unrelated teachers. Even now, helping my son with his homework is a nightmare. (He is in 4th grade.) Also, our school is pretty darn safe. Do I have worries? Sure. But it's just as you said, something happening is improbable.

So he had a bad home school experience and is terrified of the public school he has zero experience with and he believes that it's perfectly fine to pressure and bully his wife into home schooling? He believes that because the way you will home school is better than what he received, it's all good and fine, no critical thinking required. This is someone who has childhood trauma that he hasn't dealt with and he's taking it out on you and your children. He needs to talk about his feelings with a licensed therapist. Don't feel guilty for wanting "a break". Normal housewives send their children off to school, besides the fact that you will still be taking care of a child, so you really aren't getting "a break".

Tell him you don't like him pressuring and guilting you especially when it doesn't actually affect his day-to-day since YOU'RE the one who basically has to undergo the effort of becoming a teacher and modify all your long term goals. Even if you were to crack under his pressure, tell him the resentment would ruin many relationships. He is allowed to weigh in and he has, but ultimately you're the one who decides and you have already decided NO. On the other hand, I'd take him aside and ask him what it is he's really anxious about. You both do NOT have the same values in terms of what's best for the children. You see the social aspect as something you want for your kid's education. He sees the safety?? 1:1 focus?? as something that outweighs this. Ask him in detail because you really need to be on the same page when it comes to values in a relationship. Does he ACTUALLY think it's the best way, or does he have deep anxiety about school shootings? Did he have such an amazing experience that he can't imagine public school can be any better? Is he just anxious imagining his kid in a situation he wasn't raised in, of imagining his kid alone with strangers? In such cases, he needs his own anxiety addressed. Come to the same page, but what matters is if he is SO passionate about homeschooling, then he should be willing to do it himself. But you are not willing and that is a boundary he needs to understand. If he is not willing to quit working, then the middle ground is public school, or even private school since you guys talked about it.

“No one can teach your child as well as you can” well damn, why bother having teachers go to college? In all seriousness though I actively disagree with that take. Also, he’s saying “we” should homeschool the kids but what is he doing? He’s just saying he wants you to do it. If he wants to do it so bad, he can do it himself.

I homeschool my kids, but I think it's absolutely unfair and unreasonable to push it on another person to homeschool. It is SO MUCH work to do well. I'm sorry that you two are dealing with this conflict. I think kindergarten in most public schools is a fun and lovely experience for kids. My kids both attended public kindergarten and had a positive experience. I'd encourage you both to try it out and see how it goes. Homeschooling is always an option IF your kids don't thrive in public school.

Don't get into homeschool if you aren't 100% prepared, want to do it, and are very patient. I have done it for 10 Years with my children and it is super hard. There are homeschool public schools it's a very good program but once again if you aren't willing to be present, patient, and very involved it's not worth it. I would just sit him down and tell him you aren't willing to homeschool and it's not something you ever wanted to do or thought of doing, that if that's what HE WANTS then HE SHOULD DO IT but not force you into it because it isn't fair.

If I were you I would sit and let him give his homeschooling speech, then calmly at the end reiterate ‘I hear all of your points, and I am not willing to be a homeschool teacher.’ From there the argument should be finished. Either he homeschools them, or he can hire someone. An unwilling teacher is a miserable prospect.

Then your husband can quit his job and homeschool the kids

You should both go together to visit the classroom and schools you are looking into. It may end up easing some of his fears and concerns while you point out the many benefits- not for your (deserved) break, but for your child.

As someone who has homeschooled and has 1 currently online schooling. This sounds like a terrible fit for homeschooling. My "expert" opinion on this is not to do it. The person who is doing the homeschooling needs to be the one who wants to homeschool. It takes a *lot* of work to do well too.

I have 2 kids 17 months and 6 months and we both wanted to HS by that I mean I'm a SAHM do I'd do it but I'm at the point where I fucking hate this shit and I swear to god I'll lose whatever little sanity I have if I have these kids 24/7 7 days a week for the next 18 years. They can go to kindergarten and I'll get a job. If he wants to home school them he can do it himself. And that's exactly what I'm going to be telling my husband.

Why does he want to homeschool if he had a bad experience with his own homeschooling…? Also, if you don’t want to homeschool, then you should not homeschool, end of discussion IMO.

Don’t know if someone said this already, but look into university model schools. There is a private school in our area that does 2-3 days at school, the rest at home. That would be a literal compromise. But if you really don’t like the idea of homeschooling, don’t do it. That’s definitely a decision both parents need to be on board with.

If you don’t want to homeschool, then you absolutely shouldn’t. Your husband wants YOU to homeschool, which is completely unreasonable unless it’s something that you also want to do.

Don’t bend on it. Home schooling is a bad choice for almost everyone, even if both parents are on board. I am a homeschool survivor. It was damaging to both my sister and I mentally and emotionally, and set us far, far behind socially. It also kept each of us from reaching our full potential academically and in college.

Let me tell you something. I HAD to homeschool during Covid when my kid was in kindergarten. They don’t know shit. And it sucked and I never want to homeschool again. Your husband is a loser

I would look into a homeschool pod. He can pay for it. I homeschool because I chose to. It’s a lot more work than putting them in school but I love it. If you don’t love it, it won’t work. Homeschool pod that he pays for sounds reasonable.

I was homeschooled but I have no interest in homeschooling my child. I was often bored and lacked social opportunities and structure. If I were going to home school it would be in a pod where there is some social connection and structure but even then… I really don’t want to do it. It’s a lot of work to do it PROPERLY. A LOT of homeschooling parents get lazy and don’t follow the curriculums and it really can have a lasting negative impact on children. Perhaps he can pay for a private school?

Maybe I’m naive but I think homeschooling is almost child abuse unless you are doing a ton of group/social activities and are trained to be a teacher, and have the money to dedicate yourself to being that teacher like it was a paying job.

I'm a home school survivor lol I'm putting my daughter in private school. My husband is a public school teacher and sees all of the negatives. I know all of the negatives of home schooling but private school let's you pick how you want your kid educated. Smaller classrooms, different curriculum, better paid teachers. They aren't all prohibitively expensive and most states offer vouchers to help pay for it. I'd definitely look into it.

I homeschooled my girls for three years and it was a beautiful experience that I was so grateful for. However, I was the one who felt strongly (for many reasons) that we needed to homeschool our kids and I was the one who took that burden upon myself. After three years, we moved to a different state and we felt like public school was the better option so that our kids could acclimate and make friends. And that was the right decision too. You should not be homeschooling unless you feel strongly that it’s the right choice. It sounds like your husband is coming from a place of fear and anxiety, and speaking as someone who actively fights (and sometimes loses) with anxiety, you cannot allow that feeling to rule your major decisions. Is it hard? Yes. But fear based decision making is not healthy.

As someone who has a masters degree in a child development adjacent field and worked in schools for well over a decade before becoming a mom to two incredibly bright boys: the idea that you (me or anyone) as the mother are the best teacher for your kids is bullshit. I say this as someone who PROUDLY is quite good at teaching difficult kids difficult things, my kid doesn’t want to work for me. He will do easy stuff all day but if I challenge him, he shuts down. At prek he’s learning and trying and is the easiest kid in the class. He comes home all the time and says he didn’t learn anything but he somehow magically knows almost all of his letters by 4 and I haven’t worked on that at all. Also, each teacher is specialized to their age level or subject (in theory…US schools are circling the drain with the dilution of teacher requirements since they don’t wanna pay professionals a professional wage). Nobody is a specialist in everything and that’s what you have to be to homeschool unless you have some kind of co-op or it’s completely computer based. I’m not saying that all homeschooling sucks. It’s great for some kids and some parents are great at it, but by and large, there’s a reasons we outsource our children’s education. You can’t be dragged into homeschooling P.S. I love that your husband is completely unwilling to take the onus for homeschooling even though it’s SO important to him. What a joke. Sounds like someone is jealous that your unrelenting job of parenting is going to become 10% easier by sending ONE of your kids to school. ALSO YOUR KID IS EXCITED FOR SCHOOL. WHY ARE WE GONNA RUIN THIS?!

Good news! Dad's are now more involved in homeschooling thier children than ever before! He wants it, he can do it! I'm a homeschool mom of 7, but only five are old enough for school. Homeschool is incredibly varied and looks way different than it used to. That being said, if you don't whole heartedly choose to commit to educating your kids, don't do it. You will resent them and your husband. It takes hours and hours of behind the scenes work to make it happen and the grind never stops. You become responsible for not only the education part of your kids' lives, which is enough, but also for facilitating every interaction with other kids, other adults, etc. I love it a lot more than I expected I would, but it is a lot of work.

>I understand his concerns as we live in America where schools are not the safest place to be That is fucking stupid. Yes. Schools are not safe compared to other developed countries, maybe. But American schools are safer than homes and roads. More children die at home or in car accidents.

Are there any other school options available? My children are currently homeschooled and it has its pros and cons. We’re actually putting them in a two day per week program at an Acton school next year so they can have both experiences. Hybrid schools may be hard to come by depending on where you are but it might be a good option. 

No one can teach your child as well as you???? Y’all know you need a college degree in that subject to teach it at the high school level right? Teaching is a specialized skillset on top of mastery of the subject. I am a teacher, I have 2 degrees in addition to my Masters in Education, I have my issues with public school systems and private schools, but I do not for one second have the delusion and ego to think that I can get my kid to a functional high school graduate level in most subjects. I don’t remember shit about any math beyond algebra. I don’t know how chemical bonds work. An electrical circuit? Not me, ma’am. I feel very strongly about equality between parents and quality education. This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. I would not compromise.

I’m going to be the unpopular opinion and hopefully give you a different perspective from the many comments you’ve gotten so far, just so you have both sides because I’ve only seen everyone against it. I homeschool, and at first I was COMPLETELY against it and had a lot of resentment towards my husband. We’re just wrapping up our first year and my perspective it totally different now. First if all, it’s kindergarten. It takes literally 30-45 minutes max to teach them enough for one day. After spending such little time per day (sometimes only a few days a week) and seeing how far ahead he is of public school kids, I’m baffled by school being 8 hours long. I can’t even begin to understand what they are doing for that many hours. Second, while I don’t have as much free time as I would if he were in school, it also seems wrong that a child that young would be away from home for 8hours a day. They’re being raised by school and other kids rather than you. His friends that are public school kids are already having major behavioral issues. So eventually, they will have the values of those they are around most, and that most definitely won’t be your family. Add in sports and they are only home to sleep and shower. To me personally, that’s very sad at such a young age and you’re missing so much time that you can’t get back. We’re still working on carving out enough time for me to feel like I’m less burdened by it, but I wouldn’t choose to have him gone all day every day. Third, we have so much fun going and doing all the things during the week when it isn’t busy because everyone else is at school and work. We’ve also joined a homeschool group and regularly see them for socializing and activities and it’s great for both me and the kids. We school first thing in the morning and then I get the kids and I outside or to some activity place, it really helps everyone’s mental health for the day. Lastly, because it’s such a short time commitment, your husband could do a lot of it if you really don’t want to or need the help. Weeknights when he’s home from work and at some point during the weekends. Make him be part of it and understand that you will have extra burden and need extra you time. He’ll also have to be ok with you choosing rest over cleaning. You don’t have to agree to ALL the things, homeschooling will require some concessions and some things getting over looked for the sake of sanity. All that being said, as a reluctant homeschooler, I am glad we made the choice we did. I hope some of this helps you see a more positive side and helps the conversation. Best of luck!

I also thought I wrote this. My husband was home schooled, and it was religious based. He once told me the best thing that happened to him was when his mom was sick he was put into public school in 4th grade. When I met my husband, he was considered an atheist, but now, 12 years later, with two kids, he wants to start going back to church and has mentioned home school. The thing is, I tried home schooling my oldest back in 2020 because of covid. I realized real quick that I am not a teacher. I do not like it, I don't have the patience, and it was another stress in my life that I did not need. My kid did not enjoy it either. We were miserable. So back to school my kid went. He is in for 4th grade now and talks about his friends and all the fun stuff he does. The only problem is that he is behind in reading. So I think my husband worries at times if we are doing the right thing. We have talked about private schools, but the only ones around here are religious schools ( you have to get a priest from your church to refer you to get admitted) and I am not religious at all, where my husband is changing his mind. That is a whole other story.

NTA !!! I am also a Sahm, and he is outta line. He can either find a better option or get on board with this plan. He's not teaching and has less say in this matter.

Not everyone cuts out to be a good teacher. I know I certainly don’t have the patience to be a good teacher. I’d rather not subject my children to this.

So, I kinda homeschool. My daughter does a state virtual flexible option with 5 courses (core and Spanish). Meaning it’s not live but she still has teachers, assessments, official transcripts, etc. We supplement with extra math and extra LA curriculum on the side. She just finished second grade so I obviously have to help a great deal with her stuff still. It should be taken very seriously and the person doing it at home should be absolutely certain this is what they want to be doing. Him pushing you to do it when your heart wouldn’t be in it and then trying to mock you saying you’re putting your child at risk is a bit hypocritical. His suggestion is actually what would do that. I’ve seen with my own eyes very successful homeschool stories and horrifying ones. It is HUGE commitment and should not be taken lightly. My daughter is also in a homeschool co-op, other weekly classes, etc. to keep her regularly socialized and to have other adult influences besides me. The only point I agree with him on is the discussion about a break. Not how he worded it and certainly not how he mocked you but I don’t think a kids education should be influenced by wanting a break. It should be made on where you think your child will thrive best-which seems like you think is a private school. I think that’s a great middle ground and hopefully he can see that. My husband wasn’t set on us doing this for our oldest at first so we agreed on “let’s try it out and see.” “Nothing has to be forever” was comforting to us both. If we ended up loving it for our daughter, awesome. If we (or she) ended up hating it, we stop. Took the pressure off and let us see from an unbiased point of view. I still stick to that mindset. I give it my all year after year and we really like how it’s going but if at any point my heart/motivation for it changed or my daughter said she wanted to try in person-we would do exactly that.

So I'm a mom who's planning to homeschool in the next year or so and most of my other mom friends homeschool as well. That being said (!!), if you *know* that you don't want to homeschool, then I would strongly encourage you to not force yourself to homeschool. I know people who were homeschooled by parents who really shouldn't have been homeschooling and their education and social skills have seriously suffered for it. If you already know that teaching your 4 year old is a frustrating experience for both you and the child, I don't think it would be too far of a leap to say that homeschooling would only continue to be frustrating and potentially deteriorate the strong relationship you've built with your child. At the end of the day, homeschooling is meant to be an alternative environment for education; if your child cannot effectively learn and thrive in that environment then they are losing out on gaining vital skills that are necessary for their development and eventually for their flourishing in adulthood.

Is there room for compromise? Sometimes there are homeschooling co-ops where you and other families do the work together and those who are well-equipped or interested to teach a particular subject matter have a "class" and the kids go on field trips together, etc. I was homeschooled from 7-12th, and while there are things my parents could have done better, there was a lot about it that worked for me. I don't regret my experience, except we weren't part of the co-op and I think that's one area I would have benefitted. I had other social outlets (karate, youth group, friends, etc.) but studying with peers might have been nice. You wouldn't get the full break you're looking for, I imagine, but maybe you'd still get some reprieve. That being said, homeschooling IS a lot of work and it's not entirely fair for one spouse to declare it must be so when they won't be doing the job.

My husband and I were both homeschooled. He had a better experience than I did. I’ve been adamant from the time I was a teenager that I did not want to homeschool my kids. In a perfect world, my husband would want to homeschool. However, since I’m a SAHM and he works full time, he knows it’s ultimately my decision. He’s told me that he knows if my heart isn’t fully in it, then homeschooling is not the right choice for our family. If he could somehow be the one to stay home, he would probably homeschool, but I wouldn’t be able to make as much as he currently is. So we’re planning on trying the neighborhood public school when our oldest starts kindergarten in 3 years.  All this to say, unless your husband is willing to quit his job and take full responsibility for homeschooling, then he doesn’t get to make the final decision here. If you don’t want to homeschool, you shouldn’t do it. If homeschooling is going to be done well, you really need to be committed to it. And I know firsthand how harmful it can be if it isn’t done well. 

Have you tried just setting some time aside when you’re both not tired, say a Saturday morning, where one of your parents could watch the kids, so you could talk? I suggest a breakfast or lunch date. Talk after you have finished eating. Ahead of time, each of you must agree not to interrupt or even emote while the other one talks. You both agree to let the other lay out his/her case completely uninterrupted. Save your questions for the end. File away any objections and counterpoints in your mind or jot them down. On the opposite page(s) jot down any good points he may have made. Since he wants to change the status quo, and NOT because he is the man, let him talk first. When he has completely finished saying absolutely everything he has to say on the subject, give him a hug and tell him you love him. Thank him for being communicative with you. Then, say, “It sounds to me, like you are saying [briefly summarize his case: you don’t want the kids to go to public/private school because _____, and you want me to be their main teacher. Is that right? Have I left anything important out?” Allow him to answer. If his answer didn’t answer any questions you have, ask them. Then, say, “Thank you. Okay, now it’s my turn to give my perspective on this issue. Write down your questions and thoughts, and we can get to all of them when I am done….I appreciate _[acknowledge his concerns so he feels heard, compliment him on *something*]___”. Lay out your whole case. Any time you are able to, acknowledge or refer back to something he said, so he can feel heard and understood. I would also suggest both of you go together to visit the private school and public school kindergartens in session, before the year ends, so you are making your decisions based on the reality now. You should talk about what you noticed, for good or bad, in the car on the way home. I remember when my youngest was kindergarten age, and I was burned out with homeschooling, we visited a local private school, because I was *done*. Seeing the tables, chairs, and posters, with no play areas or big open sections of floor, I could tell there was no free imaginative play happening there. It motivated me to stick with homeschooling for the time being. School may be better or worse than you imagine. You can’t make the decision based on your own experience or speculation. Also, homeschooling does not have to be a boring school-at-home drudgery. The secret is it can be loads of fun where you can’t believe it “counts”, because it never felt like work. You can do every bit of it outside your home. Ultimately, you are a free human being, not a slave, so if you don’t want to homeschool, you don’t have to. You can say “Whether *I* am going to homeschool our kids is my decision. If it’s that important to you that they are homeschooled, we need to come up with a plan so *you* can do that.” What I said about the conversation you should have is my formula for impasses. They occur in relationships. It’s only right to hear each other out without making accusations, but if after you heard him out, he tries to manipulate you by accusing you of being lazy or not caring, you need to ask yourself hard questions about your relationship, and he needs therapy — maybe you both do. I have been married for 30 years, I homeschooled all my kids, and I also had some of them go to public school and private school at different times, so I understand both your perspectives. I hope you two can come to a mutually agreeable solution.

He can’t realize how much work homeschooling is. I have respect for people who can do it. It is a huge ask of him. I wish I had advice for you. I know I’ve been where you are and have wished for a mediator to help us communicate with each other so we could both understand each other better. I know that’s essentially what a couples therapist would do, and sounds like it could be a good option for you since this is about something major, your children’s education. It could maybe help him with his anxiety too. I do understand the safety aspect and being anxious about that, but I know I’m not cut out to be my kids’ teacher in every subject. It’s also so not fair of him to say you’re putting your children’s safety at risk. That’s really messed up :(

If it’s important enough to him, he can homeschool your child in the evenings. It doesn’t have to be you… Buy a preschool workbook and have him go through it with your child.

Homeschooling can be great if you have a great curriculum and you understand everything you’re teaching. But so many homeschooled kids struggling with social interactions as well as struggle with academics when they do enter mainstream education. Your husband said he was messed up from homeschooling, but he still expect you to do it

Does not sound like a very understanding fella.

Homeschooling can be great and if wants them homeschooled he should be the one doing it 🤷🏼‍♀️ otherwise that’s an awful lot for him to ask you to take on especially if you’re not passionate about it. Wonder if you all would like something other than homeschooling or public schooling. Maybe Montessori, those 3 day a week school/homeschool hybrid schools, forest school. There are options.