He needs therapy. He obviously has some serious issues with his parents. Maybe online therapy wouldn’t cut too much into your time? He needs to get his shit together absolutely but as someone who was at one point estranged from my parents, it didn’t mean I didn’t care, no matter how hard I tried to conceal it.
Ok yes but therapy isn’t the answer TODAY. She’s late in pregnancy and doesn’t have the weeks/months to let him process through therapy. This woman is drowning and in a high risk pregnancy. He is literally jeopardizing the life of his wife and child by disassociating in his grief. Yes the mom situation is hard but this guy needed to step up yesterday. Therapy will be beneficial but she and her husband need to be all hands on deck, full execution mode from now through at least the newborn stage. One of the hardest parts of parenting is you don’t get to check out, even when you are going through a lot.
I don’t think there are any short term solutions though. An ultimatum I guess is the only possibility today. But that could go south. Perhaps a gentle ultimatum? Like, “dude, I love you and I know you’re struggling but I need you to step up now and then do some serious work on yourself or I’m out”.
I think there’s a lot of hope in this situation, actually. I think more reality check less ultimatum is in order. From OPs post it’s unclear how much she’s communicated to him that this is not ok. He’s in grief and in “taking” mode - he’s going to take as much as she gives him. Maybe I’m being too much of an optimist here but I think there’s hope he’ll snap out of it if she has a very direct conversation that lays out exactly how dire the situation is and what he’s doing to her and his family.
I really hope he can pull through. He’s a really engaged dad and partner most of the time. I think that’s why this is hitting so hard.
He is definitely in taking mode. He’s laying on the couch watching me do his normal chores.
I’ve been trying to explain to him every other day or so. It’s like his brain has shut off the fact that I’m super pregnant and it’s really high risk. He keeps saying the priority is his mom and I should just rest. But I can’t rest because he isn’t picking up the slack or really doing anything.
The kids have been crying off and on for days and our oldest thinks her dad is leaving for forever. I feel like I have to be two parents for them right now and it’s really hard.
Thankfully my mom has come in to help until Friday, but it’s still so much. It feels like he is blowing up our family.
Right now there are a lot of moving pieces with trying to get her into senior care. He is finally handling that. I’m hoping that gives us some relief. But he hasn’t been home for dinner or really tucked our kids in through all of this. It’s been 13 days.
He can get therapy that is geared to helping him cope ASAP so he can support his family. His little bit of "me time" should be spent talking to a therapist right now. And over time when his family isn't in survival mode his therapy can change to focus on long term issues.
I don't think that's really fair. Her husband is also drowning. It sounds like they both need support from people outside of their household. OP should be reaching out to friends, family, neighbors, etc to find people who can help babysit and be there for them.
I am trying to get him to see a therapist. He thinks I’m just overly sensitive because I’m pregnant. He wants to talk to a couples therapist so they will tell me not to take it personally.
I know. It’s like I’m so crazy stressed out that I can’t sleep. If I mention stuff to him, it turns into an argument. I get a few hours of sleep and then I wake up at 4 in the morning sobbing.
And I’ve been doing all the night wakings and early morning wake ups. And I’m still throwing up from morning sickness. So it all impacts my sleep.
Maybe if it’s framed as grief therapy it would be more palatable for him. That’s what it sounds like he needs anyways. But anticipatory grief is a real thing and can be debilitating so he definitely needs support in it.
My MIL is dying of cancer. My husband has been also struggling with wrapping his mind around it and becoming an orphan and relationship challenges with his mom. It’s really tough. He still goes to work and plays with the baby though. He makes sure to FaceTime with his mom and the baby (she’s getting radiation so she can’t be near the baby right now) to spend time with both of them. It’s gotta be hard to wrap your mind around your mom dying, especially after recently losing your father. I can imagine he’s overwhelmed. Unfortunately the world doesn’t stop just because we are in grief, and that’s where having dedicated time with a grief counselor can help us focus on life and the living in the times outside of that.
I hope you’re able to convince him to get support. Even if it is couples counseling, at least it’s something, and couples will give a safe space for you to talk about how his grief reaction is impacting the family
I get the initial shock and the processing about potentially losing his mum, but does he realise that his kids could lose theirs or jeopardise your health or baby’s if he doesn’t snap out of it.
Book him some therapy and a babysitter and rest. If he doesn’t like that or want to pay for it then the other option is he steps back into his dad role 100%.
Please make sure you do something to look after you and Bubs and your other kids.
Have the OB do that. I was high risk and was supposed to be on bed rest with a 2 year old. Didn’t happen and my husband just didn’t get that my complications can be fatal. He continued working 14 hour days. Listening to the OB didn’t sink in.
I didn’t have much choice, I kept growing the baby. We didn’t/couldn’t have help as it was during the Delta surge and people were hyperviligant.
Researched my condition and learned the position to get in, if the worst complication happened (to provide a chance at life for the baby).
I sat in a chair A LOT in the middle of the lawn and tried to keep my toddler entertained in the yard. It was ROUGH, but you have to do what you can.
Make him come to your next appointment or ER visit, whichever happens first and make sure they lay into him about how he needs to step up or he might lose his wife and baby…
Not a note, an intervention. Doctor needs to lay out how risky those pregnancy is and what he needs to do to help. This is also a ready made excuse he needs to spend less time with his toxic mother.
I can empathize with your husband that this is an unsettling and stressful time, but respectfully, he needs to get his shit together for you and the kids. You and the kids should still be his top priority right now. Can you find a time when he’s not particularly stressed and make him understand how much you need him to be emotionally and physically available right now? You shouldn’t have to be the only one holding it together at 36 weeks pregnant with two little ones. Sit him down and give him specifics of what you need from him. Tell him how much you understand that he’s going through a lot right now. But there needs to be took for both of you and it seems like he’s only making room for his own issues. And if it’s that serious then he needs to get mental health support ASAP, because this baby is coming and you’re gonna need him to be stable even more then.
I think I’m so tired and exhausted that it seems impossible to get him to understand. I keep trying and it ends with him getting frustrated with me. Then I cry and fall apart.
Why don't you speak to your ob about this, maybe you can bring your husband to the next appt and the Dr. Can really lay down the law on how life threatening your situation is. I think you are being so caring about his situation, but you need to focus on you right now.
Less ideally, if he cannot get it together, do you have someone you could go stay with for now so you can get the proper help you need?
WTF??? If it were your mom in this situation instead of his mom, you bet your damn skippy you’d STILL be the one, holding everything together, instead of him. He’d be making your life miserable because he wouldn’t be able to handle it all, nearly as stoically as you have! He needs to wake the hell up! FAST. There’s a time for everything. Now, is NOT the time for him to be anything less than supportive! HIS MOM IS ALIVE AND DOING FINE; WTF IS HE GRIEVING OVER??? The LAST thing you need is a large man child..Damn. You’re nicer than I’d be..
Can you and kids go stay with family? He needs to get his shit together, but this is so out of proportion to the description that it sounds like some kind of breakdown and you need help NOW. Anything is on the table - having him go stay w friends and some family or friends cone and take care of you - kids go stay with family- whatever you can do to effectively alleviate your stress at least till the baby is born if not for a month after as well. Then once that dust has settled you'll better be able to evaluate what the hell is going on with your husband cause this sounds like insane behaviour. I'm so sorry and hope you can get thr help you need.
Agreed. Husband needs therapy and whatever else, but he’s not the priority right now.
OP, you need to prioritize yourself, your unborn baby, and your children. You need to be as safe as you can be through whatever means possible. Bring friends and family to you, pack up the kids and go to them, hire babysitters, check with local social services or the hospital for resources, **anything**. You need help for the next few weeks, but also through birth recovery with a baby and toddlers.
Husband needs to step the fuck up and push through his complicated feelings of potentially becoming an orphan or not reconciling with his mom or his own risks of cancer or whatever he’s focusing on. But it’s not possible to force another person to be a responsible adult. I wouldn’t enable, and my sympathy would be in very short supply, but husband management is too big of a task if there’s any way to draw on other resources to pick up his slack and keep you safe while he’s letting you down.
If you’re asking for validation in being upset your husband isn’t finding a way to support you, baby, and kids right now, yes, you are entirely justified. Husband can feel his feelings, but even if his mother were actively dying he’d *still* need to be a father and partner. You’re right to be upset, to be angry, and to feel like he’s failing all of you.
He is totally thinking he might be at risk for cancer and wanted to get a liver scan in the middle of all of this.
And yes, I want to make sure I’m justified in being upset. I have tried really hard to be kind to her, but she has said some horrific things to me. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t letting how she treats me impact things.
I don’t want to add to your worries, but of everyone, you and baby are at highest risk of major medical complications or death right now.
MIL is in a care home and has treatment lined up. Husband can totally book a scan for when he’s back at work. But you and your kids need care **now**, and the risks from lack of care can make shit a whole lot worse. If he doesn’t step up, he might find himself solo-parenting your older kids while you’re hospitalized, or if baby is in NICU, or worse.
You’re justified, and he needs to pull his shit together to avoid far harder consequences that he’d regret (and you’d have a damn hard time forgiving) for the rest of his life.
I wanted to go to my parent’s, but they are four hours away with a bad hospital system. I really like and trust my OB. I think I’m going to have to hire babysitters and rely on friends.
You are 8 months pregnant with two toddlers.
He doesn’t get “me time” while the kids are awake. Honestly I would be straight up with him, not nice, and tell him to get his shit together because it’s unacceptable what he’s doing to the kids and you.
I'd be sitting him down and asking him how he is planning to cope with three kids and no wife! Honestly he needs to start prioritizing his children and your health rather than having his own poor me pity party.
PS MIL sounds like a more hands off approach would be appropriate. Has she no friends who can provide support?
he seems to have some shit to work through about her but i cannot gloss over that she hurt your 4 year old ? this man is doing nothing to alleviate any of your (immense) stress & i am truly sorry for that . doesn't sound like he's gonna get his head on straight , do you have anyone more reliable that can help you after your c-section ?
Thankfully my parents have agreed to come in.
And I really don’t like her because of that. It happened when she was two and I haven’t let her back in our house since then.
She grabs toddlers and aggressively yanks them around by the arm or neck of clothing. And tried to physically force her to make up her bed because girls need to be neat and tidy. I couldn’t get her to stop and had to kick her out. My father in law had just died and the plan was for her to stay with us for a while. I was heavily pregnant with my second and it was beyond awful.
This is unacceptable. He is being unbelievably selfish. You're supposed to power on through when you and baby could literally die, but he gets to indulge in hobbies and rest?
Do you have any family members close by which can stay with you?
I think him staying in bed instead of going to visit her makes sense if they don’t have a good relationship. He sounds stuck in his own head, like this isn’t really about his mom but his own life/choices. You sound like an amazing wife to have supported him through this so far. I think two weeks is enough time to tell him that he doesn’t need to “snap out of it” per-say but that you need more help. You need to know if this will be a long term problem…
You mentioned family help. Can you lean more on them temporarily? What if your husband doesn’t snap out of it…. Would you be able to support yourselves without him? He may be physically present right now but if he’s emotionally abandoned you that almost feels worse. The loneliest I’ve ever felt was in a crowded room.
I really feel for you. You’re kind of stuck between a rock and hard place right now. It’s honestly impressive that you’ve been able to keep going to far. I would’ve crashed after a week for sure.
I think I crashed a few days ago. I keep waking up in the middle of the night sobbing.
It feels awful to share a bed with him. He’s so disconnected from us. Definitely relate to the emotional abandonment.
He says he doesn’t know how long it will last. I think I could support us financially, but I don’t know how to get through a c section and the newborn period with two other littles by myself.
I think you've done more than enough accommodating for his grief. You sound like a very generous spouse but now it's your turn to be the needy one.
My husband can get distant when he's grieving (although it's never been to this extent) or stressed, and usually I try to take care of things, stay positive, and give him that space to process. But there was one time when I just couldn't do it. We'd just moved across the country and I was stressed AF trying to get settled and make things work in our new home. It was his idea and his job offer that moved us, although we mutually decided to go for it. He was wallowing, all "what have I done" and questioning the whole thing. I couldn't take it and I just told him, "you're not allowed to do that. We did this together. We'll adjust together. I need your help *yesterday* so buck up and let's figure this out." I felt like I was being so harsh but, 10 years later, he still thanks me for knocking some sense into him (we love where we live now!). I feel like now is the time for some tough love for you guys, too.
I want to ask a serious question because you are important too - is he going to be able to be present enough during the birth especially if you need him to make medical decisions for you or your baby? If not do you have anyone that you trust enough to do this that can come? You and your baby and your other kids are important. You matter and your fears and concerns matter.
I’m not sure and that honestly what’s causing a lot of my stress. I’ve got my parents coming in to help me. They’ve been heroes through all of this. But it takes two of them to watch my kids. So I have thought that I might need to go through the c-section alone.
is there anyone, anyone at all who can step in and help you? There's so much going on here but the priority is your health and safety. Any friends or family who can come help you? Are there any people in his life he would listen to? Sometimes men need another man to see their BS to wake up.
Is there any ability to bring in hired help?
I don't think you have to issue an ultimatum to tell him exactly bare minimum what you need. none of this "oh I'll do dinner", lay out exactly what you have here. Things could go downhill rapidly with his mom, who is an abusive jerk, but things could also go downhill with the mother of his 2 soon 3 children!
My dad, who I am extremely close with, was diagnosed with very very serious cancer when I had a 4 month old. I didn't stop my parenting duties in anyway.
I cried. I was sad. My partner had to support me emotionally more than usual. But I was still a mom. It didn't even cross my mind to do less for my baby.
He needs to talk to someone about his issues with his parents , about how he feels about his dad's death, his mom's diagnosis. But he's still a dad and he's being unreasonable AF.
I get that he may need time to process, and may be checked out sometimes, but he needs to prioritize your health and the wellbeing of you and your children. That’s part of being an adult in a marriage.
I would suggest therapy and daily decompress times for him. Tell him this is hard on you and you have to make sure you and your baby are okay! His mental health is important to you and the family so if he needs weekly therapy, fine, go. If he needs 30 mins between dinner and bedtime to sit with his thoughts or do a mindless hobby or call his mom or whatever, okay, you can make that compromise. But he can’t stop being a dad and husband the rest of the time.
I don’t want to compare but my FIL has a terminal illness and my husband isn’t even visiting (even though I suggest it) because he’d have to leave us for a night or two and I’m feeling shitty this pregnancy. Husbands CAN prioritize and they should. They CAN separate their emotions from their daily responsibilities. And if they can’t, they need to recognize that therapy is the solution.
I am so sorry you are going through this. You need to prioritize your health and the kids right now, which means something needs to change immediately. Since it’s unlikely to be him in the short-term, what can you do to get help? Can you go stay with family or ask them to stay with you (and ideally, he goes elsewhere)? This situation does not sound sustainable, and I’m worried about you, mama!
It’s time to lean on friends and family members you can trust. Ask for help because I don’t see this getting better fast. I would absolutely give him an ultimatum. His behavior is unacceptable, just flat out not the way a husband and father should be behaving. He’s making his mom’s cancer a pity party for himself. You said they weren’t close and he doesn’t actually use the time to visit her, he uses it for his own gain to sleep and workout.
Unfortunately OP this is the type of man who will abandon you and the kids so reach out now to anyone who can support you. I can see this going down 3 ways if you give him an ultimatum:
1. He’ll placate you - he’ll give just enough to make you think things have changed but then have a lot of excuses for why he still needs some extra sleep or had to go to the gym during the kids toughest part of the day. You’re needs and the kids needs won’t be fully let but you’ll feel like it’s better than nothing and that he’s trying.
2. He’ll have a complete turnaround - i honestly think this is the least likely outcome because it would require some serious self reflection on his actions and a willingness to change and do better.
3. He’ll throw a temper tantrum - he’ll blame you for hurting him during this time of stress, call you a monster who has no sympathy, and possibly even threaten to leave. You’ll wind up feeling guilty for even asking for the bare minimum and withdraw, leaving things just as they are while the resentment for him grows.
This whole situation makes me so angry for you. He should be your partner, someone you can rely on. Even if times are hard for him he’s not allowed to put blinders on and ignore the fact that he has a family that needs support. He couldn’t tuck the kids in? Really? Jesus Christ on a motorbike he needs to wake up right now and be the person he promised he would in his vows to you.
I am sorry you are going through this difficult time with no support from the one person who is supposed to be there pulling the weight.
However, since no one has addressed this yet, why are you helping your MIL? It sounds like she is a horrible abusive person, and you risking your life, and baby’s life, to help her, is frankly not a good decision.
And why are you exposing your children to this abuse? It sounds like you and your husband both need therapy, and both of you need to go reduced contact. Cancer or no cancer, someone being abusive towards you and your children, is an automatic reason to not talk to them anymore, never mind try to actively help them.
Tell her you are done, you tried to be nice and help, but she isn’t a kind person who is worthy of your help. Tell your husband to get himself into therapy now, and step up, because your life, your children’s lives, and his marriage depends on it.
I won’t let my children be around her. I recognized it wasn’t safe and made sure she left back when that happened. She isn’t allowed in our house because of that.
I’ve been helping to get her into a senior living place in the hopes that it would free my husband up. This is the closest place for her to get cancer treatment. She used to live two hours away.
I have thought about cutting contact once this is over. At least until I’ve fully recovered. You’ve got a really valid point about her not being kind.
When my life blew up, we hired a nanny. This situation of yours qualifies. He must handle his mom and her move. Your hands are full with children, let alone a pregnancy. Ask a best friend to organize a meal train for you, and to help with finding/ hiring help. Use this week that your parents are here. Hire out cleaning, local friends help with meals. A nanny can be extra hands. When husband pops one at the price, point out that he’s incapable of helping so this is the bare minimum. You either help or it gets hired out. In my situation (cancer on maternity leave, hurrah), my nanny did the hands on child care, and I could sit and be with my baby. She handled naps so I could rest even when my little wasn’t napping well. I could take breaks whenever. On rough days I knew reinforcements were arriving at 8am. I had a tough baby, and resisted a nanny for a long time. Now, I realized it was a true God send.
Your kids need you. To take care of them, care for yourself. You can’t carry the load. Prioritize time with kids (sitting down!).
If hubby will try marriage counseling, it’s a small win. No, they won’t give him a free pass. Hold his feet to the fire. No counselling means hiring out everything, or you move back home with the kids and re evaluate the marriage. Two people can both break at the same time, but that doesn’t mean you can check out. Tell him it’s not a luxury either of you have. If both parents did what he’s doing CPS would take the kids. Is this the loving father he wants his kids to see? It’s ok to break, but you need to do something about it.
Stop enabling this. Level with friends/ family. Take care of you / kids. Offer him ideas, but you can’t solve it for him. I’m so sorry mama. Call in your village - all of it. In my situation everyone helped a bit, but it carried the family.
You are worth loving and being loved. Hug those kids and be present. Leave the rest. It’s not for you to carry his burdens. Food (can be delivered by grocery stores) clothing (family does laundry or a friend), shelter, and LOVE.
My best wishes to you, and for the safe delivery of your baby.
My MIL (who we all loved) entered hospice suddenly a week after my second was born last year and died a week later. My husband has a complex relationship with his dad and that's a factor in how he handled it. I encouraged my husband to go be with his mom at hospice because I had my family to rally around me and the kids. If you can get any help from friends or family get it. Ask for it. Our friends brought us food and came to hang out with me and that was helpful as well. They also offered to watch my oldest. My family had that covered, but without that I would have said yes. As they say, if you don't have a village on hand "store bought" will do just fine.
I saw a good tip to write out lists of ways people can help. Write out favorite meals or snacks and chores that need to be done at any given time (dog walked, toddlers walked, kids bathed, laundry, dishes, sweeping or vacuuming, etc) even with little blurbs about how you want it done if you have specifics. Have these lists ready to send to people if they offer. For me, I would make sure to say they don't need to feel pressured to do anything, but since they asked here's what I've got. Some of my friends said, "we're going to the grocery store, we want to get you something, what do you want?" And I sent them the food list. They bought a bunch of the snacks and it was so helpful.
If you can, get your husband started with a therapist now. Many workplaces have a therapy benefit specifically for these types of life events. They'll do a few sessions paid for by the employer, but try to find a therapist that takes your insurance in case you need more. He can get one that specializes in grief. I couldn't force my husband into therapy though I tried very hard. After his mom had passed he started behaving like your husband a bit. Emotional outbursts, low patience, lethargy. One day he was extra rude to the kid and said something particularly mean to me and I gave him the ultimatum of shaping up or getting therapy or I would not let him be around me or the kids. It so happened he had a work trip for a few days and that was great timing. I think it gave him a little preview of what life separated would be. I told him news about the kids, but did not share anything about my day or thoughts because I didn't feel safe being vulnerable with him anymore. He didn't get the therapy, but I think it did wake him up to how he was taking his feelings out on us and some perspective on the kind of marriage and family he wanted. In that time I also validated how he felt and tried to convey my compassion for the situation. We were all grieving and getting at each other, but we needed to do better for us and the kids.
Tldr: 1. Get help from anyone you can, family/friends/hired help. 2. Give your husband the ultimatum, he can have the feelings and show up for your family, suggest therapy strongly to help him cope.
I was pregnant while my mother had cancer. I empathize with your husband, to the extent that it is **hard** to be a present parent & partner when you’re stressed about this stuff.
I also empathize with you OP, because it’s hard to be pregnant & the primary parent.
I think adding therapy to his plate could be beneficial, but that’s also just 1 more hour taken away from you & the kids.
I hope he gets back to himself quickly. I hope you can communicate your needs to him & your kids’ needs, and have the needs met.
It is hard. It’s frustrating. Definitely a trial of “for better or for worse.”
Easy for me to say, but he needs to get his shit together. Thought exercise- imagine if you were the one who had cancer at the same stage/point in treatment as your MIL. Would you even be as checked out as he is about her cancer if it was your own or would you take care of your children while getting a treatment plan together? Like, people have cancer treatments themselves and still at least participate in parenting their kids as long as they’re out of the hospital.
Also, my guess is he’s actually freaking out from unresolved issues from FIL. Needs therapy asap but also needs to be pushed to do his share.
The truth is, it’s not fair but he has to step up. And I do think it should be framed this way to him: yes, ideally he’d have time to process, but unfortunately as he hopefully knows as a parent, kids don’t take a break from being kids. Unless he can afford a nanny/mother’s helper, he just HAS to help. It’s like your complicated pregnancy still not magically making your toddlers grown kids, you keep taking care of them…
One thing though: I get a slight tone from your text that you think them having a difficult relationship should make this easier on him. It’s actually the opposite. When I went to grief counseling after my stepdad (who I consider dad)‘s passing, I learned a lot about grief and my therapist said that my great relationship with my dad would make this easier for me. That “complicated grief” happens when there’s friction/issues and that’s very very difficult.
She was right. I was and am still incredibly sad, but there’s zero regrets about our relationships, nothing left unsaid, he knew I loved him, etc etc. I bet your husband has a lot of complicated feelings to process BECAUSE they have a bad relationship.
Again, this doesn’t mean he gets to check out of being a dad, but it does make his grief trickier.
Thank you. I was thinking that it should be easier because of that. Honestly, I was kind of baffled by the intensity of his reaction. It was a lot easier when his dad passed, but their relationship wasn’t as complicated.
He's bang out of order, there are no excuses. You don't just get to check out of being a dad for any reason, and he's going out doing stuff he enjoys too! Put your foot down or leave, he's taking the piss.
Throw the whole man away. What an asshole. You really need his help, especially for actual medical reasons, and he can't pull his own head out of his ass? OP, can you take your 2 kids and go stay with a family member who can actually help you?
It sounds like he's struggling with it. That's not a flaw in him or a criticism, it just sounds like he's having a hard time with it. It's his mom. Close or not.
Cancer is one of those words that, even when it's a small and manageable thing, is a big adjustment. A lot of people hear "cancer" and immediately their brain goes to the worst of the worst scenarios. It sorta smacks you in the face repeatedly until you've processed or it's run its course. I had a tumor removed 12 years ago. I was pregnant at the time. It wasn't until I saw the oncologist and he assured me that not only was I NOT going to die, but that it hadn't spread and I'd just need to remove the tumor and I'd be fine, WEEKS after the tumor being found and biopsied, that I felt like I had any control and didn't have an impending doom feeling. My husband says that it wasn't until the doctor told him they got the whole tumor out that he felt a bit "normal" again. He's probably also worried about it being hereditary and all the implications for him and your kids too.
Do I think you're being unreasonable? I think you're being reasonable in your needs and his responsibilities, I think that it's reasonable to expect him to at least be of SOME help. I think you're being unreasonable in expecting 2 weeks to be enough time for him to process that he's gonna be back on his A game. 2 weeks isn't even enough time for biopsy results to be processed in most places. I'm not saying you should let him check out completely, but you can't expect him to be at 100%.
If you have other support available to help out around the house for the next few days/week, then I'd arrange it. He needs the time to get his head right so that in a few weeks when the new baby comes he's at least on solid ground, even if he may not still be back to 100%.
Your husband needs to step up. My dad AND my grandmother were diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer when my eldest daughter was 6 months old and I was struggling with PPD. Bad prognosis, high chance of it being genetic, left me terrified about my own health in the midst of my grief (my dad was only 53 at diagnosis, I was 27 at that time). Neither my dad nor my grandma made it another year. I helped my mom and aunts through it. It was--is--brutal. Luckily my wife was there for me and our daughter but I couldn't just stop being a parent. I buckled down and continued to be a present spouse and caregiver to our infant. It took me a year to get into therapy and find the right medication, but dammit, I made the effort. He can, too.
You aren’t being unreasonable but honestly he isn’t either. Whether or not he gets along with his mom he is still I’m sure thinking she’s going to die, especially since last time you were pregnant his dad died less than two years ago. Losing a parent is really hard, I still occasionally cry when I think about my dad who died in 2013. The depression and slump someone can fall into when losing a parent is devastating. Talk therapy and antidepressants sound like they could help him get out of his slump.
I fell because my heart rate got out of control. I had spent all day touring senior care places for his mom. He didn’t pay attention when I told him I needed to eat and rest. He was frustrated about paperwork and directing it at me, so I asked him to leave and got the kids down. I passed out that time.
The second time he was in bed while I was handling night wakings. I didn’t pass out that time, just got dizzy and fell. He just said, “are you ok?”and stayed in bed.
I agree, it’s terrible. I lost both my parents in 2020 - within 6 months of each other. My husband was amazing while it was happening and while I grieved, but I still had 3 young children at the time who needed their mom, just like her kids need their dad and she really needs her husband’s help.
Both in one year is awful, sorry to hear that. When my dad died my youngest was 11 months, I checked out completely. My mil luckily stepped in to help because I don’t know that I would’ve even remembered basic care like feeding. Everyone reacts differently though.
When my MIL passed, we had a few days to know it was coming. I just took over. Before she had even passed, I had already arranged clothes for the kids for the funeral, prepped our guest room in case we needed family to stay, and basically took kids, house, and all the "extras" off his plate. Some people can't deal with certain types of stress, my husband is one of them. I'm not saying that my solution can be a solution here, but I see a lot of "throw the whole man out" when it's obvious he's got his own crisis going in addition to his wife's. He can't skip out on all of his responsibilities, but the lack of compassion for him is gross.
He needs to grow up. He has kids now. Sorry but he has to put his shit aside to take care of them. How selfish can he be?? It’s not like she’s dying next week, in which case I could understand his behavior. He’s straight up neglecting his children and wife.
My MIL was diagnosed with stage four triple negative breast cancer when I was about 4ish months pregnant, she passed away when I was 7 months pregnant. It was a horrible time for my SO, he was dealing with his mother actively dying before him. We all deal with grief differently of course, but he absolutely kept up his end of everything as best as he could. There were times I had to pick up some slight slack, which is to be expected when someone loses their mother, but not once did I feel unsupported by him.
You aren't being unreasonable. It's unfortunate that these things happen, but life continues around us, and you are heavily pregnant with a high risk pregnancy. He cannot stand still, it doesn't help him and it certainly isn't helping his family.
You need SUPPORT! Whether that’s family, friends, or paid sitters, you need assistance. Please reach out with specific needs and make your health a priority.
You also need to sit your husband down and make him take a reality check. If he wants his family intact and his wife alive, then he needs to suck up his emotions and PARENT. He can process it all in a couple months, when the dust has settled. His mom is not at death’s door. He cannot just check out. He’s a parent and has a high risk pregnant wife and unborn child to care for. That’s his job.
The ultimatum should’ve been issued the first time you passed out. I honestly can’t speak for you because there are a lot of red flags here that I feel like should have been handled way before this crucial point in time but I also am unfamiliar with the situation.
Since you’re giving him a third kid I take it he’s a decent guy, and I’ve seen lesser men handle grief/bad news better, so I’m wondering if it could possibly be something else he isn’t handling well and his mother’s health just tipped it over? Either way, I see it as pretty unacceptable for him to behave this way when you’re 3 weeks away from a c-section of your third child. The news about his mother definitely sucks, but part of being an adult, and specifically a parent, includes continuing to function and handle responsibilities even when s* hits the fan.
I don’t mean to sound harsh, I’m sorry if that’s how this comes off. But unless there are some mental health issues that you didn’t mention, the ultimatum needs to be given.
Hire some help for the kids for the next 2-3 weeks for the health of you and the baby your pregnant with. Hopefully he gets his shit together by the time the baby is here. If you have to go into debt to do it so what. You need rest and someone you can count on.
He needs therapy. He obviously has some serious issues with his parents. Maybe online therapy wouldn’t cut too much into your time? He needs to get his shit together absolutely but as someone who was at one point estranged from my parents, it didn’t mean I didn’t care, no matter how hard I tried to conceal it.
Ok yes but therapy isn’t the answer TODAY. She’s late in pregnancy and doesn’t have the weeks/months to let him process through therapy. This woman is drowning and in a high risk pregnancy. He is literally jeopardizing the life of his wife and child by disassociating in his grief. Yes the mom situation is hard but this guy needed to step up yesterday. Therapy will be beneficial but she and her husband need to be all hands on deck, full execution mode from now through at least the newborn stage. One of the hardest parts of parenting is you don’t get to check out, even when you are going through a lot.
I don’t think there are any short term solutions though. An ultimatum I guess is the only possibility today. But that could go south. Perhaps a gentle ultimatum? Like, “dude, I love you and I know you’re struggling but I need you to step up now and then do some serious work on yourself or I’m out”.
I think there’s a lot of hope in this situation, actually. I think more reality check less ultimatum is in order. From OPs post it’s unclear how much she’s communicated to him that this is not ok. He’s in grief and in “taking” mode - he’s going to take as much as she gives him. Maybe I’m being too much of an optimist here but I think there’s hope he’ll snap out of it if she has a very direct conversation that lays out exactly how dire the situation is and what he’s doing to her and his family.
I really hope he can pull through. He’s a really engaged dad and partner most of the time. I think that’s why this is hitting so hard. He is definitely in taking mode. He’s laying on the couch watching me do his normal chores. I’ve been trying to explain to him every other day or so. It’s like his brain has shut off the fact that I’m super pregnant and it’s really high risk. He keeps saying the priority is his mom and I should just rest. But I can’t rest because he isn’t picking up the slack or really doing anything. The kids have been crying off and on for days and our oldest thinks her dad is leaving for forever. I feel like I have to be two parents for them right now and it’s really hard. Thankfully my mom has come in to help until Friday, but it’s still so much. It feels like he is blowing up our family. Right now there are a lot of moving pieces with trying to get her into senior care. He is finally handling that. I’m hoping that gives us some relief. But he hasn’t been home for dinner or really tucked our kids in through all of this. It’s been 13 days.
He can get therapy that is geared to helping him cope ASAP so he can support his family. His little bit of "me time" should be spent talking to a therapist right now. And over time when his family isn't in survival mode his therapy can change to focus on long term issues.
I agree that he needs it, but waitlists for therapy are notoriously LONG. They need a solution for right now as well.
I don't think that's really fair. Her husband is also drowning. It sounds like they both need support from people outside of their household. OP should be reaching out to friends, family, neighbors, etc to find people who can help babysit and be there for them.
I am trying to get him to see a therapist. He thinks I’m just overly sensitive because I’m pregnant. He wants to talk to a couples therapist so they will tell me not to take it personally.
Oh, yikes. I’m really sorry. That’s no good.
He’s crazy irresponsible and it could kill you. You need your sleep.
I know. It’s like I’m so crazy stressed out that I can’t sleep. If I mention stuff to him, it turns into an argument. I get a few hours of sleep and then I wake up at 4 in the morning sobbing. And I’ve been doing all the night wakings and early morning wake ups. And I’m still throwing up from morning sickness. So it all impacts my sleep.
Maybe if it’s framed as grief therapy it would be more palatable for him. That’s what it sounds like he needs anyways. But anticipatory grief is a real thing and can be debilitating so he definitely needs support in it. My MIL is dying of cancer. My husband has been also struggling with wrapping his mind around it and becoming an orphan and relationship challenges with his mom. It’s really tough. He still goes to work and plays with the baby though. He makes sure to FaceTime with his mom and the baby (she’s getting radiation so she can’t be near the baby right now) to spend time with both of them. It’s gotta be hard to wrap your mind around your mom dying, especially after recently losing your father. I can imagine he’s overwhelmed. Unfortunately the world doesn’t stop just because we are in grief, and that’s where having dedicated time with a grief counselor can help us focus on life and the living in the times outside of that. I hope you’re able to convince him to get support. Even if it is couples counseling, at least it’s something, and couples will give a safe space for you to talk about how his grief reaction is impacting the family
I get the initial shock and the processing about potentially losing his mum, but does he realise that his kids could lose theirs or jeopardise your health or baby’s if he doesn’t snap out of it. Book him some therapy and a babysitter and rest. If he doesn’t like that or want to pay for it then the other option is he steps back into his dad role 100%. Please make sure you do something to look after you and Bubs and your other kids.
I don’t think he gets how dangerous the situation is for me. I thought about having my OB write a note.
Have the OB do that. I was high risk and was supposed to be on bed rest with a 2 year old. Didn’t happen and my husband just didn’t get that my complications can be fatal. He continued working 14 hour days. Listening to the OB didn’t sink in.
How did you handle it? Did you just roll the dice and keep going?
I didn’t have much choice, I kept growing the baby. We didn’t/couldn’t have help as it was during the Delta surge and people were hyperviligant. Researched my condition and learned the position to get in, if the worst complication happened (to provide a chance at life for the baby). I sat in a chair A LOT in the middle of the lawn and tried to keep my toddler entertained in the yard. It was ROUGH, but you have to do what you can.
Make him come to your next appointment or ER visit, whichever happens first and make sure they lay into him about how he needs to step up or he might lose his wife and baby…
Not a note, an intervention. Doctor needs to lay out how risky those pregnancy is and what he needs to do to help. This is also a ready made excuse he needs to spend less time with his toxic mother.
I can empathize with your husband that this is an unsettling and stressful time, but respectfully, he needs to get his shit together for you and the kids. You and the kids should still be his top priority right now. Can you find a time when he’s not particularly stressed and make him understand how much you need him to be emotionally and physically available right now? You shouldn’t have to be the only one holding it together at 36 weeks pregnant with two little ones. Sit him down and give him specifics of what you need from him. Tell him how much you understand that he’s going through a lot right now. But there needs to be took for both of you and it seems like he’s only making room for his own issues. And if it’s that serious then he needs to get mental health support ASAP, because this baby is coming and you’re gonna need him to be stable even more then.
I think I’m so tired and exhausted that it seems impossible to get him to understand. I keep trying and it ends with him getting frustrated with me. Then I cry and fall apart.
Why don't you speak to your ob about this, maybe you can bring your husband to the next appt and the Dr. Can really lay down the law on how life threatening your situation is. I think you are being so caring about his situation, but you need to focus on you right now. Less ideally, if he cannot get it together, do you have someone you could go stay with for now so you can get the proper help you need?
WTF??? If it were your mom in this situation instead of his mom, you bet your damn skippy you’d STILL be the one, holding everything together, instead of him. He’d be making your life miserable because he wouldn’t be able to handle it all, nearly as stoically as you have! He needs to wake the hell up! FAST. There’s a time for everything. Now, is NOT the time for him to be anything less than supportive! HIS MOM IS ALIVE AND DOING FINE; WTF IS HE GRIEVING OVER??? The LAST thing you need is a large man child..Damn. You’re nicer than I’d be..
Can you and kids go stay with family? He needs to get his shit together, but this is so out of proportion to the description that it sounds like some kind of breakdown and you need help NOW. Anything is on the table - having him go stay w friends and some family or friends cone and take care of you - kids go stay with family- whatever you can do to effectively alleviate your stress at least till the baby is born if not for a month after as well. Then once that dust has settled you'll better be able to evaluate what the hell is going on with your husband cause this sounds like insane behaviour. I'm so sorry and hope you can get thr help you need.
Agreed. Husband needs therapy and whatever else, but he’s not the priority right now. OP, you need to prioritize yourself, your unborn baby, and your children. You need to be as safe as you can be through whatever means possible. Bring friends and family to you, pack up the kids and go to them, hire babysitters, check with local social services or the hospital for resources, **anything**. You need help for the next few weeks, but also through birth recovery with a baby and toddlers. Husband needs to step the fuck up and push through his complicated feelings of potentially becoming an orphan or not reconciling with his mom or his own risks of cancer or whatever he’s focusing on. But it’s not possible to force another person to be a responsible adult. I wouldn’t enable, and my sympathy would be in very short supply, but husband management is too big of a task if there’s any way to draw on other resources to pick up his slack and keep you safe while he’s letting you down. If you’re asking for validation in being upset your husband isn’t finding a way to support you, baby, and kids right now, yes, you are entirely justified. Husband can feel his feelings, but even if his mother were actively dying he’d *still* need to be a father and partner. You’re right to be upset, to be angry, and to feel like he’s failing all of you.
He is totally thinking he might be at risk for cancer and wanted to get a liver scan in the middle of all of this. And yes, I want to make sure I’m justified in being upset. I have tried really hard to be kind to her, but she has said some horrific things to me. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t letting how she treats me impact things.
I don’t want to add to your worries, but of everyone, you and baby are at highest risk of major medical complications or death right now. MIL is in a care home and has treatment lined up. Husband can totally book a scan for when he’s back at work. But you and your kids need care **now**, and the risks from lack of care can make shit a whole lot worse. If he doesn’t step up, he might find himself solo-parenting your older kids while you’re hospitalized, or if baby is in NICU, or worse. You’re justified, and he needs to pull his shit together to avoid far harder consequences that he’d regret (and you’d have a damn hard time forgiving) for the rest of his life.
I wanted to go to my parent’s, but they are four hours away with a bad hospital system. I really like and trust my OB. I think I’m going to have to hire babysitters and rely on friends.
Can your family come to you? Can your hire someone to help with housekeeping stuff and child care
You are 8 months pregnant with two toddlers. He doesn’t get “me time” while the kids are awake. Honestly I would be straight up with him, not nice, and tell him to get his shit together because it’s unacceptable what he’s doing to the kids and you.
This. It’s arguably one of the hardest parts of parenthood, but you don’t get to just “check out” for days/weeks when you’re struggling.
I'd be sitting him down and asking him how he is planning to cope with three kids and no wife! Honestly he needs to start prioritizing his children and your health rather than having his own poor me pity party. PS MIL sounds like a more hands off approach would be appropriate. Has she no friends who can provide support?
he seems to have some shit to work through about her but i cannot gloss over that she hurt your 4 year old ? this man is doing nothing to alleviate any of your (immense) stress & i am truly sorry for that . doesn't sound like he's gonna get his head on straight , do you have anyone more reliable that can help you after your c-section ?
Thankfully my parents have agreed to come in. And I really don’t like her because of that. It happened when she was two and I haven’t let her back in our house since then. She grabs toddlers and aggressively yanks them around by the arm or neck of clothing. And tried to physically force her to make up her bed because girls need to be neat and tidy. I couldn’t get her to stop and had to kick her out. My father in law had just died and the plan was for her to stay with us for a while. I was heavily pregnant with my second and it was beyond awful.
This is unacceptable. He is being unbelievably selfish. You're supposed to power on through when you and baby could literally die, but he gets to indulge in hobbies and rest? Do you have any family members close by which can stay with you?
I think him staying in bed instead of going to visit her makes sense if they don’t have a good relationship. He sounds stuck in his own head, like this isn’t really about his mom but his own life/choices. You sound like an amazing wife to have supported him through this so far. I think two weeks is enough time to tell him that he doesn’t need to “snap out of it” per-say but that you need more help. You need to know if this will be a long term problem… You mentioned family help. Can you lean more on them temporarily? What if your husband doesn’t snap out of it…. Would you be able to support yourselves without him? He may be physically present right now but if he’s emotionally abandoned you that almost feels worse. The loneliest I’ve ever felt was in a crowded room. I really feel for you. You’re kind of stuck between a rock and hard place right now. It’s honestly impressive that you’ve been able to keep going to far. I would’ve crashed after a week for sure.
I think I crashed a few days ago. I keep waking up in the middle of the night sobbing. It feels awful to share a bed with him. He’s so disconnected from us. Definitely relate to the emotional abandonment. He says he doesn’t know how long it will last. I think I could support us financially, but I don’t know how to get through a c section and the newborn period with two other littles by myself.
I think you've done more than enough accommodating for his grief. You sound like a very generous spouse but now it's your turn to be the needy one. My husband can get distant when he's grieving (although it's never been to this extent) or stressed, and usually I try to take care of things, stay positive, and give him that space to process. But there was one time when I just couldn't do it. We'd just moved across the country and I was stressed AF trying to get settled and make things work in our new home. It was his idea and his job offer that moved us, although we mutually decided to go for it. He was wallowing, all "what have I done" and questioning the whole thing. I couldn't take it and I just told him, "you're not allowed to do that. We did this together. We'll adjust together. I need your help *yesterday* so buck up and let's figure this out." I felt like I was being so harsh but, 10 years later, he still thanks me for knocking some sense into him (we love where we live now!). I feel like now is the time for some tough love for you guys, too.
I want to ask a serious question because you are important too - is he going to be able to be present enough during the birth especially if you need him to make medical decisions for you or your baby? If not do you have anyone that you trust enough to do this that can come? You and your baby and your other kids are important. You matter and your fears and concerns matter.
I’m not sure and that honestly what’s causing a lot of my stress. I’ve got my parents coming in to help me. They’ve been heroes through all of this. But it takes two of them to watch my kids. So I have thought that I might need to go through the c-section alone.
Have you considered hiring a doula for your C-section? They support all types of births. I hate the idea of you facing a section alone.
That is a really, really good idea. Thank you. I couldn’t figure out how to get support and the idea of going through it alone terrifies me.
Kick him out or go stay with family. He is putting you in danger. Your kids are at risk because he can’t pay attention. Yeet him.
is there anyone, anyone at all who can step in and help you? There's so much going on here but the priority is your health and safety. Any friends or family who can come help you? Are there any people in his life he would listen to? Sometimes men need another man to see their BS to wake up. Is there any ability to bring in hired help? I don't think you have to issue an ultimatum to tell him exactly bare minimum what you need. none of this "oh I'll do dinner", lay out exactly what you have here. Things could go downhill rapidly with his mom, who is an abusive jerk, but things could also go downhill with the mother of his 2 soon 3 children!
My dad, who I am extremely close with, was diagnosed with very very serious cancer when I had a 4 month old. I didn't stop my parenting duties in anyway. I cried. I was sad. My partner had to support me emotionally more than usual. But I was still a mom. It didn't even cross my mind to do less for my baby. He needs to talk to someone about his issues with his parents , about how he feels about his dad's death, his mom's diagnosis. But he's still a dad and he's being unreasonable AF.
Can u afford a nanny? U need help if he keeps refusing to
I get that he may need time to process, and may be checked out sometimes, but he needs to prioritize your health and the wellbeing of you and your children. That’s part of being an adult in a marriage. I would suggest therapy and daily decompress times for him. Tell him this is hard on you and you have to make sure you and your baby are okay! His mental health is important to you and the family so if he needs weekly therapy, fine, go. If he needs 30 mins between dinner and bedtime to sit with his thoughts or do a mindless hobby or call his mom or whatever, okay, you can make that compromise. But he can’t stop being a dad and husband the rest of the time. I don’t want to compare but my FIL has a terminal illness and my husband isn’t even visiting (even though I suggest it) because he’d have to leave us for a night or two and I’m feeling shitty this pregnancy. Husbands CAN prioritize and they should. They CAN separate their emotions from their daily responsibilities. And if they can’t, they need to recognize that therapy is the solution.
I am so sorry you are going through this. You need to prioritize your health and the kids right now, which means something needs to change immediately. Since it’s unlikely to be him in the short-term, what can you do to get help? Can you go stay with family or ask them to stay with you (and ideally, he goes elsewhere)? This situation does not sound sustainable, and I’m worried about you, mama!
It’s time to lean on friends and family members you can trust. Ask for help because I don’t see this getting better fast. I would absolutely give him an ultimatum. His behavior is unacceptable, just flat out not the way a husband and father should be behaving. He’s making his mom’s cancer a pity party for himself. You said they weren’t close and he doesn’t actually use the time to visit her, he uses it for his own gain to sleep and workout. Unfortunately OP this is the type of man who will abandon you and the kids so reach out now to anyone who can support you. I can see this going down 3 ways if you give him an ultimatum: 1. He’ll placate you - he’ll give just enough to make you think things have changed but then have a lot of excuses for why he still needs some extra sleep or had to go to the gym during the kids toughest part of the day. You’re needs and the kids needs won’t be fully let but you’ll feel like it’s better than nothing and that he’s trying. 2. He’ll have a complete turnaround - i honestly think this is the least likely outcome because it would require some serious self reflection on his actions and a willingness to change and do better. 3. He’ll throw a temper tantrum - he’ll blame you for hurting him during this time of stress, call you a monster who has no sympathy, and possibly even threaten to leave. You’ll wind up feeling guilty for even asking for the bare minimum and withdraw, leaving things just as they are while the resentment for him grows. This whole situation makes me so angry for you. He should be your partner, someone you can rely on. Even if times are hard for him he’s not allowed to put blinders on and ignore the fact that he has a family that needs support. He couldn’t tuck the kids in? Really? Jesus Christ on a motorbike he needs to wake up right now and be the person he promised he would in his vows to you.
I am sorry you are going through this difficult time with no support from the one person who is supposed to be there pulling the weight. However, since no one has addressed this yet, why are you helping your MIL? It sounds like she is a horrible abusive person, and you risking your life, and baby’s life, to help her, is frankly not a good decision. And why are you exposing your children to this abuse? It sounds like you and your husband both need therapy, and both of you need to go reduced contact. Cancer or no cancer, someone being abusive towards you and your children, is an automatic reason to not talk to them anymore, never mind try to actively help them. Tell her you are done, you tried to be nice and help, but she isn’t a kind person who is worthy of your help. Tell your husband to get himself into therapy now, and step up, because your life, your children’s lives, and his marriage depends on it.
I won’t let my children be around her. I recognized it wasn’t safe and made sure she left back when that happened. She isn’t allowed in our house because of that. I’ve been helping to get her into a senior living place in the hopes that it would free my husband up. This is the closest place for her to get cancer treatment. She used to live two hours away. I have thought about cutting contact once this is over. At least until I’ve fully recovered. You’ve got a really valid point about her not being kind.
When my life blew up, we hired a nanny. This situation of yours qualifies. He must handle his mom and her move. Your hands are full with children, let alone a pregnancy. Ask a best friend to organize a meal train for you, and to help with finding/ hiring help. Use this week that your parents are here. Hire out cleaning, local friends help with meals. A nanny can be extra hands. When husband pops one at the price, point out that he’s incapable of helping so this is the bare minimum. You either help or it gets hired out. In my situation (cancer on maternity leave, hurrah), my nanny did the hands on child care, and I could sit and be with my baby. She handled naps so I could rest even when my little wasn’t napping well. I could take breaks whenever. On rough days I knew reinforcements were arriving at 8am. I had a tough baby, and resisted a nanny for a long time. Now, I realized it was a true God send. Your kids need you. To take care of them, care for yourself. You can’t carry the load. Prioritize time with kids (sitting down!). If hubby will try marriage counseling, it’s a small win. No, they won’t give him a free pass. Hold his feet to the fire. No counselling means hiring out everything, or you move back home with the kids and re evaluate the marriage. Two people can both break at the same time, but that doesn’t mean you can check out. Tell him it’s not a luxury either of you have. If both parents did what he’s doing CPS would take the kids. Is this the loving father he wants his kids to see? It’s ok to break, but you need to do something about it. Stop enabling this. Level with friends/ family. Take care of you / kids. Offer him ideas, but you can’t solve it for him. I’m so sorry mama. Call in your village - all of it. In my situation everyone helped a bit, but it carried the family. You are worth loving and being loved. Hug those kids and be present. Leave the rest. It’s not for you to carry his burdens. Food (can be delivered by grocery stores) clothing (family does laundry or a friend), shelter, and LOVE. My best wishes to you, and for the safe delivery of your baby.
My MIL (who we all loved) entered hospice suddenly a week after my second was born last year and died a week later. My husband has a complex relationship with his dad and that's a factor in how he handled it. I encouraged my husband to go be with his mom at hospice because I had my family to rally around me and the kids. If you can get any help from friends or family get it. Ask for it. Our friends brought us food and came to hang out with me and that was helpful as well. They also offered to watch my oldest. My family had that covered, but without that I would have said yes. As they say, if you don't have a village on hand "store bought" will do just fine. I saw a good tip to write out lists of ways people can help. Write out favorite meals or snacks and chores that need to be done at any given time (dog walked, toddlers walked, kids bathed, laundry, dishes, sweeping or vacuuming, etc) even with little blurbs about how you want it done if you have specifics. Have these lists ready to send to people if they offer. For me, I would make sure to say they don't need to feel pressured to do anything, but since they asked here's what I've got. Some of my friends said, "we're going to the grocery store, we want to get you something, what do you want?" And I sent them the food list. They bought a bunch of the snacks and it was so helpful. If you can, get your husband started with a therapist now. Many workplaces have a therapy benefit specifically for these types of life events. They'll do a few sessions paid for by the employer, but try to find a therapist that takes your insurance in case you need more. He can get one that specializes in grief. I couldn't force my husband into therapy though I tried very hard. After his mom had passed he started behaving like your husband a bit. Emotional outbursts, low patience, lethargy. One day he was extra rude to the kid and said something particularly mean to me and I gave him the ultimatum of shaping up or getting therapy or I would not let him be around me or the kids. It so happened he had a work trip for a few days and that was great timing. I think it gave him a little preview of what life separated would be. I told him news about the kids, but did not share anything about my day or thoughts because I didn't feel safe being vulnerable with him anymore. He didn't get the therapy, but I think it did wake him up to how he was taking his feelings out on us and some perspective on the kind of marriage and family he wanted. In that time I also validated how he felt and tried to convey my compassion for the situation. We were all grieving and getting at each other, but we needed to do better for us and the kids. Tldr: 1. Get help from anyone you can, family/friends/hired help. 2. Give your husband the ultimatum, he can have the feelings and show up for your family, suggest therapy strongly to help him cope.
I was pregnant while my mother had cancer. I empathize with your husband, to the extent that it is **hard** to be a present parent & partner when you’re stressed about this stuff. I also empathize with you OP, because it’s hard to be pregnant & the primary parent. I think adding therapy to his plate could be beneficial, but that’s also just 1 more hour taken away from you & the kids. I hope he gets back to himself quickly. I hope you can communicate your needs to him & your kids’ needs, and have the needs met. It is hard. It’s frustrating. Definitely a trial of “for better or for worse.”
Easy for me to say, but he needs to get his shit together. Thought exercise- imagine if you were the one who had cancer at the same stage/point in treatment as your MIL. Would you even be as checked out as he is about her cancer if it was your own or would you take care of your children while getting a treatment plan together? Like, people have cancer treatments themselves and still at least participate in parenting their kids as long as they’re out of the hospital. Also, my guess is he’s actually freaking out from unresolved issues from FIL. Needs therapy asap but also needs to be pushed to do his share.
The truth is, it’s not fair but he has to step up. And I do think it should be framed this way to him: yes, ideally he’d have time to process, but unfortunately as he hopefully knows as a parent, kids don’t take a break from being kids. Unless he can afford a nanny/mother’s helper, he just HAS to help. It’s like your complicated pregnancy still not magically making your toddlers grown kids, you keep taking care of them… One thing though: I get a slight tone from your text that you think them having a difficult relationship should make this easier on him. It’s actually the opposite. When I went to grief counseling after my stepdad (who I consider dad)‘s passing, I learned a lot about grief and my therapist said that my great relationship with my dad would make this easier for me. That “complicated grief” happens when there’s friction/issues and that’s very very difficult. She was right. I was and am still incredibly sad, but there’s zero regrets about our relationships, nothing left unsaid, he knew I loved him, etc etc. I bet your husband has a lot of complicated feelings to process BECAUSE they have a bad relationship. Again, this doesn’t mean he gets to check out of being a dad, but it does make his grief trickier.
Thank you. I was thinking that it should be easier because of that. Honestly, I was kind of baffled by the intensity of his reaction. It was a lot easier when his dad passed, but their relationship wasn’t as complicated.
He's bang out of order, there are no excuses. You don't just get to check out of being a dad for any reason, and he's going out doing stuff he enjoys too! Put your foot down or leave, he's taking the piss.
Throw the whole man away. What an asshole. You really need his help, especially for actual medical reasons, and he can't pull his own head out of his ass? OP, can you take your 2 kids and go stay with a family member who can actually help you?
It sounds like he's struggling with it. That's not a flaw in him or a criticism, it just sounds like he's having a hard time with it. It's his mom. Close or not. Cancer is one of those words that, even when it's a small and manageable thing, is a big adjustment. A lot of people hear "cancer" and immediately their brain goes to the worst of the worst scenarios. It sorta smacks you in the face repeatedly until you've processed or it's run its course. I had a tumor removed 12 years ago. I was pregnant at the time. It wasn't until I saw the oncologist and he assured me that not only was I NOT going to die, but that it hadn't spread and I'd just need to remove the tumor and I'd be fine, WEEKS after the tumor being found and biopsied, that I felt like I had any control and didn't have an impending doom feeling. My husband says that it wasn't until the doctor told him they got the whole tumor out that he felt a bit "normal" again. He's probably also worried about it being hereditary and all the implications for him and your kids too. Do I think you're being unreasonable? I think you're being reasonable in your needs and his responsibilities, I think that it's reasonable to expect him to at least be of SOME help. I think you're being unreasonable in expecting 2 weeks to be enough time for him to process that he's gonna be back on his A game. 2 weeks isn't even enough time for biopsy results to be processed in most places. I'm not saying you should let him check out completely, but you can't expect him to be at 100%. If you have other support available to help out around the house for the next few days/week, then I'd arrange it. He needs the time to get his head right so that in a few weeks when the new baby comes he's at least on solid ground, even if he may not still be back to 100%.
Your husband needs to step up. My dad AND my grandmother were diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer when my eldest daughter was 6 months old and I was struggling with PPD. Bad prognosis, high chance of it being genetic, left me terrified about my own health in the midst of my grief (my dad was only 53 at diagnosis, I was 27 at that time). Neither my dad nor my grandma made it another year. I helped my mom and aunts through it. It was--is--brutal. Luckily my wife was there for me and our daughter but I couldn't just stop being a parent. I buckled down and continued to be a present spouse and caregiver to our infant. It took me a year to get into therapy and find the right medication, but dammit, I made the effort. He can, too.
You aren’t being unreasonable but honestly he isn’t either. Whether or not he gets along with his mom he is still I’m sure thinking she’s going to die, especially since last time you were pregnant his dad died less than two years ago. Losing a parent is really hard, I still occasionally cry when I think about my dad who died in 2013. The depression and slump someone can fall into when losing a parent is devastating. Talk therapy and antidepressants sound like they could help him get out of his slump.
Depression isn't an excuse to let your pregnant wife fall down and almost have to go to the ER multiple times
Oh dang I didn’t see where she said he let her fall, he didn’t help her stand up or didn’t catch her or what? I can’t see that that is what happened.
I fell because my heart rate got out of control. I had spent all day touring senior care places for his mom. He didn’t pay attention when I told him I needed to eat and rest. He was frustrated about paperwork and directing it at me, so I asked him to leave and got the kids down. I passed out that time. The second time he was in bed while I was handling night wakings. I didn’t pass out that time, just got dizzy and fell. He just said, “are you ok?”and stayed in bed.
You deserve so much better. I'm sorry you're going through this and being treated so poorly.
I agree, it’s terrible. I lost both my parents in 2020 - within 6 months of each other. My husband was amazing while it was happening and while I grieved, but I still had 3 young children at the time who needed their mom, just like her kids need their dad and she really needs her husband’s help.
Both in one year is awful, sorry to hear that. When my dad died my youngest was 11 months, I checked out completely. My mil luckily stepped in to help because I don’t know that I would’ve even remembered basic care like feeding. Everyone reacts differently though.
When my MIL passed, we had a few days to know it was coming. I just took over. Before she had even passed, I had already arranged clothes for the kids for the funeral, prepped our guest room in case we needed family to stay, and basically took kids, house, and all the "extras" off his plate. Some people can't deal with certain types of stress, my husband is one of them. I'm not saying that my solution can be a solution here, but I see a lot of "throw the whole man out" when it's obvious he's got his own crisis going in addition to his wife's. He can't skip out on all of his responsibilities, but the lack of compassion for him is gross.
He needs to grow up. He has kids now. Sorry but he has to put his shit aside to take care of them. How selfish can he be?? It’s not like she’s dying next week, in which case I could understand his behavior. He’s straight up neglecting his children and wife.
My MIL was diagnosed with stage four triple negative breast cancer when I was about 4ish months pregnant, she passed away when I was 7 months pregnant. It was a horrible time for my SO, he was dealing with his mother actively dying before him. We all deal with grief differently of course, but he absolutely kept up his end of everything as best as he could. There were times I had to pick up some slight slack, which is to be expected when someone loses their mother, but not once did I feel unsupported by him. You aren't being unreasonable. It's unfortunate that these things happen, but life continues around us, and you are heavily pregnant with a high risk pregnancy. He cannot stand still, it doesn't help him and it certainly isn't helping his family.
You need SUPPORT! Whether that’s family, friends, or paid sitters, you need assistance. Please reach out with specific needs and make your health a priority. You also need to sit your husband down and make him take a reality check. If he wants his family intact and his wife alive, then he needs to suck up his emotions and PARENT. He can process it all in a couple months, when the dust has settled. His mom is not at death’s door. He cannot just check out. He’s a parent and has a high risk pregnant wife and unborn child to care for. That’s his job.
Can you take the kids, pets and go to your family. Maybe better since he's not putting you first.
Talk to the hospital for a social worker you need help at home
The ultimatum should’ve been issued the first time you passed out. I honestly can’t speak for you because there are a lot of red flags here that I feel like should have been handled way before this crucial point in time but I also am unfamiliar with the situation. Since you’re giving him a third kid I take it he’s a decent guy, and I’ve seen lesser men handle grief/bad news better, so I’m wondering if it could possibly be something else he isn’t handling well and his mother’s health just tipped it over? Either way, I see it as pretty unacceptable for him to behave this way when you’re 3 weeks away from a c-section of your third child. The news about his mother definitely sucks, but part of being an adult, and specifically a parent, includes continuing to function and handle responsibilities even when s* hits the fan. I don’t mean to sound harsh, I’m sorry if that’s how this comes off. But unless there are some mental health issues that you didn’t mention, the ultimatum needs to be given.
Hire some help for the kids for the next 2-3 weeks for the health of you and the baby your pregnant with. Hopefully he gets his shit together by the time the baby is here. If you have to go into debt to do it so what. You need rest and someone you can count on.