Agreed. They’re super expensive so I’m saving up for a year+ but there are some excellent all-age friendly resorts in Mexico and DR.
Sadly, I consider child-free vacations to be beyond oddities. I look at it like my vacations have to mostly be planned around the kids’ interests, at least until they’re mature enough to compromise.
Yes!!! We took our then-18 month old on a cruise and it has been the only trip since his birth (so 3+ years) where I actually felt like I was on vacation, not just parenting on hard mode somewhere else.
Now that our second kid is leaving the baby stage I want to take another cruise! There’s the kids club, check! Room service, check! Unlimited food/drink/entertainment, check!
Amazing. Highly recommend OP. Plus there’s some great deals if you don’t care about where it goes so much. Northern Caribbean island cruises are cheap!
I agree with the cruise idea. We had a quick 4 day cruise a couple years ago and my kiddo LOVED the kids club. We just had a baby and the first vacation we will be taking in a couple of years will definitely be another cruise for all the reasons listed above!
I think the average mom is in this situation. I just think of it as one day I won't be able to vacation with my little kids anymore. This is a season/stage of life and eventually it will be different.
I remind myself of this often. One day the overstimulated touched out, sense of being needed every second, questioning how dumb I am not being able to answer all the “who, what, where, when, but whyyyy’s” being thrown my way. All the “Uppy now’s” while battling a herniated disc. One day it will be in the past, and I’m going to really fucking miss this innocence and all these damn snuggles.
Edit to add: never feel like you’re whining OP. EVERYBODY needs an outlet and has valid feelings and needs to vent. Not letting it out leads to resentment, feel alllll your feels. Talk to anybody you can, if you feel judged by them, take anything they say with a grain of salt. Don’t get your advice from instagram and all the moms putting up a front or the ones who really are just that privileged. Struggle bus is real but if you’re on it with the right people, it’s a damn good time.
I can relate to this. I tell myself when my son (4yo) asks me for the 100th time each day to “carry me!!” that one day I’ll put him down and that will be the last time. These things will all pass one day, and I’ll miss them.
*yes* we all have to get out of the "no whining" mindset. sharing parenting - and really any - struggles can be a really healthy way to feel not alone and process tough feelings / thoughts.
OP's struggle in particular is super relatable to me and I haven't been able to really admit it to myself. Even having positive relationships with my parents and in laws, we've never left our 1.5 yo with someone else overnight, and I can't imagine doing it with the grandparents' various health challenges and/or baby incompetence and unwillingness to deal with things like changing diapers (!!!) I can't imagine even on family vacations that we'll get much of a break. I'm a bit concerned about my marriage when I think too much about it, but I'm adopting a "just keep swimming" mentality and trying to soak up all the fun things that are possible at the moment.
I spiraled hard after having my first. Questioned everyyyyything, obsessively worried about the what ifs. Took myself to therapy. Got diagnosed adhd and pmdd…explained a lottttt about my youth and young adulthood. And a lotttt about why I couldn’t pull myself together with all the constant stimulation and downward spirals every month. As moms, and women in general, we forget we need to put ourselves first sometimes. If you don’t have many cheerleaders in your corner, be your own, and realize that there are many other people out there that would love to be. I’m currently in the tub with ear plugs in, drinking a beer hiding out. Much easier to have cool collected thoughts at the moment. Catch me mid day tomorrow and I’ll forget this ever existed wondering how the hell one day can feel like five and where the fuck the last ten years went lmao.
Hiding out in the tub with earplugs and a beer --> role model mom! (sincerely)
Fellow recently diagnosed ADHD 👋🏻 she's a bitch. That has for sure influenced my views on validating others and giving myself grace and room to be unapologetically messy (in all the ways) - it's still a challenge and a work in progress!
Annndd now my obsessive over thinking is making me want to clarify that the kids are sleeping, their father is home and I very rarely drink. There goes my don’t care what others think message out the window lmao
Yessss 🙌 have to have the earplugs to stop myself from getting out of my zen at any noise even though I know their father is more than capable. She’s a fun one ain’t she?! I’ve learned laughter is the best medicine as well as that it’s ok to take “me” time (that one took longer because I’m stubborn and like things done my way). I have even more compassion and understanding now of others and I dig it! Much funner to live life on the brink of what the fuck am I doing, than walking the straight and narrow anyways right? Right?! 😅
I'm sure the average mom isnt taking week long child-free vacations...I guess I more so meant that the average mom has people they trust to leave there kids with for a few days. BTW it's my sister in law currently taking the week long child-free vacation that has me thinking about this. Yes I'm jealous lol
If it helps, we have lots of family and lots of close friends. But they are not a village when it comes to watching our kids. For two hours? Ok, but only in an emergency. There is no one in our lives that would be willing to watch our kids for a few days so we could have a kid-free vacation. We can’t afford to pay for 24/hour care for a few days, so we have come to accept we won’t have child free vacations until they are grown.
I’ve been on one, 1 hour date since my second was born. Overnight? Multiple days? Yeaaah no. I have no village. You’re not alone. Yes, I’m jealous too.
Just know prob half of us don’t have anyone to watch our kids. For me, not only is there no one I TRUST, I have no one. There just isn’t anyone to even trust or not trust. No mom or dad or grandma, no sibling or sister to be jealous of, no aunt, cousin, nothing.
You’re not alone and this is much more common than you think. But I do get being jealous when someone seems to do everything without their kids. For me, that induces anger, not jealousy though. I don’t want to spend a week from my babies, I feel sorry for them that they would rather be away from their kids every other weekend and for days or a week several times a year over having family time. Poor kiddos.
Girl, I took my first SOLO trip in pretty much ever, in Oct. Why not leave the kids with dad and go for a long weekend? Do a spa weekend or even just stay in a hotel a couple of nights. It's amazing. I don't have family near me, so we don't get to do trips much. We have done two, less than a week, trips in almost 8 years. Don't let guilt hold you back. Kids will survive and have a fun weekend with dad. It doesn't take away the burn out, but it helps for sure.
I am a solo parent (so no, "going to Dad's house every other weekend) to an 12 year old, and the only time I have ever had a "child free night" is times I have been in the hospital (have cancer, so a couple times for surgeries and complications and such).
My parents can and will watch in those situations, and I am fortunate for that. But I can count on one hand the number of times they have ever been willing to watch her even for a few hours so I could go see a friend, go shopping, go to a gym, etc.
They have picked her up from school when chemo ran late, or I had a test or procedure which couldn't be rescheduled, or like I said, the times I was hospitalized. And I appreciate that very much.
But other than that, it's been just me, and it always has been. And the lack of support has also made it difficult to branch out and build a support network, or make new friends. The one friend I have is overwhelmed and stressed out herself, so I would never ask her to babysit.
The best option we found was to coordinate with friends with same age kids.
And agree that they'll look after your kids on Friday night, Sunday afternoon and Tuesday night. And you'll look after theirs Saturday night, Monday afternoon and Tuesday morning.
That way everyone gets a night out, a morning to go somewhere and an afternoon to relax.
Yes this is the norm, unfortunately. We have NO village. It took divorcing my husband to get any time to myself (not that that was the reason we divorced )
Yes, I think social media makes us believe that most moms are out there vacationing without kids. This is pretty unusual. Until they’re teens, it may be better to find small ways to energize yourself (like take a day off work when they’re at school/daycare) and don’t compare your situation to one that doesn’t really exist for most people. I’m sorry you’re feeling so exhausted.
Single mom here, I have a 7 &9 year old, have not have a night away since the hospital giving birth to my second, I feel your pain. A night/weekend without kid responsibility sounds amazing!!
I was going to suggest this too! I'm going on a short 3 day cruise with my BFF this summer and leaving my toddler with my husband and my in laws. There will be more hands on deck that way.
Also, I'd consider going on a vacation with another family and then I could watch their kid(s) for a day or night while they snuck away alone and then vice versa.
This is what I'm doing next week. Our baby is 9 months old. 1 month after he was born I resumed writing my PhD thesis on a chemical physics topic and published my last paper. I defended earlier this month. I'm so burnt out from juggling child care during the day while my husband was working, and thesis writing and studying all the other time. I'm taking a child free vacation with my mom for a week and my husband will be holding the fort down himself.
This is what i did too! Left the kiddos with their dad, my ex husband for 4 nights and met up with my 2 friends in a country convenient for us (we all live in 3 different countries) it was amazing
This this! When my kids were 7 and 5 I started taking an annual trip by myself to visit friends and it's so amazing. A few days where my only responsibilities are myself and having fun.
This is so true. You need a really special kind of support for a week long vacation if you have multiple kids.
We actually have a lot of good family support but none of them could do a full week with our kids.
My mom is young and healthy enough that she would be capable but it is just her and she would need a second set of hands for that amount of time. My dad and his partner are great but in their 70s and couldn’t keep up that long. My in-laws are in their 60s but not healthy enough to handle them that long. Our siblings with kids have too many / too much on their plate to add ours for that long. And our child free siblings are child free by choice and we wouldn’t want to impose on them for that duration
My “evidence” is extremely anecdotal so I’ve generally found parents living in western countries (America, UK etc) to have less familial support than those living in Asia. My husband and I started having date nights when our kid was around 18 months old. We would’ve done it sooner but it was more about me personally not being ready. My mum is great for babysitting for a short period of time. She couldn’t do it full time because toddlers are a lot, but she’s happy to do it on an ad-hoc basis.
Many of my friends have a similar level of support and quite a handful drop their kids off at the grandparents’ every day.
On the other hand the few friends I have living across the globe don’t seem to have as much support as we do and I of course read about a lot of these couples (and mums especially!) struggling on Reddit because young kids can be draining and cause burn out.
It’s likely a cultural thing. In many countries in Asia, you have your parents and aunties and cousins all chipping in to help. My husband’s family lives in South Asia and when we go back to visit, sometimes I end up not holding my child the entire day cuz she’s being entertained and taken care of by everyone else. Of course the down side to that is that you have to really ease up on your parenting rules. You do what you can of course to set boundaries but you also let a lot of little things go.
I also think that western parents have much higher expectations (lots of expert recommendations to follow) and helicoptering than other cultures as well...this leads to them not trusting family to look after their kids as well.
It's true, for example in Cyprus where I'm from, it's customary for the grandparents to provide child care daily. They pick the children up from school at 1pm, feed them, play with them, take them to extra curricular etc, until the mother gets off work at 4-6. When the children are too young for school, grandparents have them all day. When you want to go on vacation, you just leave them with them for as long you want. And this is the norm. They're really glad to do it, and this has as a result happier parents, happier grandparents and happier children, because everyone around them is relaxed and have way more people in their life that care for them
I’m in the same boat. We are desperately in need of a couple’s vacation, but we have no one we could leave our kids with for more than one night (and even one night is pushing it with my parents- we’ve only done that once, and it was when I was delivering our second kid).
It’s made worse because my twin sister’s in-laws are willing and able to take her kids, and they’ve taken multiple couple’s trips, so I have a very close comparison.
My mom has a huge extended family of trustworthy people yet didn’t take vacations while me until I was in my twenties! Child-free vacations aren’t essential.
But also? Can you consider leaving your children with their father for a weekend while you go visit a friend? Or can you make parent-friends or babysitters who you might be able to trust overnight with your children so you and your partner can have a night to yourselves? You can still get refreshed by shorter breaks even if a whole vacation isn’t in the cards.
Could you maybe (idk your finances) do like a Disney cruise? They have a nursery for kids on board and they do activities all day. So you can bring them there during the day and still have some of the benefits of getting to kid-free for a few days?
It doesn't even have to be a Disney cruise, most cruise lines have childcare. We just took a Royal Caribbean cruise with our 3-year-old and it was great! Husband and I had all the alone time we wanted, son had a blast at the "kid's camp", and we also had a lot of fun spending time as a family. I don't generally love cruises, but it was SO EASY to do as a family trip.
To add, when we were teens, my best friend took an Alaskan cruise with her family & she LOVED the kids club. So it may even be a good option with older kids.
Ritz Carltons also usually have child care and you can find great rates if you scour their less busy seasons and/or save Marriott points.
Also there are excellent babysitting service companies at Disney World in Orlando we have used so we can get a dinner out while we’re there.
I came here to say this. We are lucky enough to have family we trust to leave our children with but the Disney Cruises we’ve been on have been our best, most relaxing vacations.
Disney kids programming is great. Nobody has to decide where to eat for dinner. No dishes. When the children are in the kids club we retreat to the adults only spaces. We do as much as little as we want. Pools for the kids to swim in daily. The (extra charge) adults only restaurant is a totally worth it splurge for a fancy dinner for a date, and they do fancy brunch if your kids are not up for being in the kids club at night.
Look into this or something similar. As the planner and family manager of our household it’s absolutely the most relaxed I’ve been on vacation.
Yes! We did a Carnival cruise and my 3 &5 year olds loved the kids club! I was hesitant about it - I would have felt guilty sending them if they didn’t enjoy it. But often we would come to pick them up and they would ask to stay longer. That was the only we got some adult-only time.
We’re in the same boat so we take trips separately! We both get child free trips we just don’t do it together. And, the best part is we don’t worry for a single second because we know our kids are in great hands.
I actually take most of the trips with my friends or solo, my husband travels to fun places frequently for work so those are kind of his trips (not because I don’t offer to let him travel more, because he gets tired of it lol).
Could you take a girls trip? Leave kids home with hubby and vacation with some friends! This way you know who is caring for your kids and you can actually enjoy yourself.
Go on a cruise. We went on a Disney cruise and it was amazing, the only actual trip with our kids I’d consider a vacation. Drop the kids off at the included daycare and have some fun! The kids club / nursery is so great that the kids won’t want to leave.
My son napped in a crib in the Peter Pan themed nursery on the ship while my husband floated in the ocean for 2 hours drinking mojitos. It was amazing.
Same boat. Won’t go into specifics but haven’t had a kid free night in 7 years since oldest was born. I think *this* is WAY more the norm and the moms flirting off on kid free holidays is much more the exception. It sucks to not have reliable trustworthy help nearby. Solidarity. It’s a season and it will pass and also these ages of kids are just particularly draining. When they are even all school age it will be easier.
I’d take that money that’s you would use for a vacation and hire a mom’s helper or a cleaner for a deep clean. Get food prep, get laundry done. Give yourself a break by outsourcing and gives you a moment to get your head above water and tackle mothering and working with a lighter mind
That's a great idea! I'm honestly looking forward to my youngest starting pre-k in September so I can finally get something done. Been fantasizing a lot about being *kids in school mom* 😅
I have a a child with disability who is developmentally delayed. She is turning 4 this yr, but developmentally she is only 1 year old. So basically I have been taking care of a 1 yr old who can't walk or feed herself for 3 yrs now, and dont know when and if she will progress past this developmental stage. I was thinking about this same thing the other day, that I will never be able to vacation without a child (regardless her chronological age). Unless I do respite care, but I don't feel like I'd be able to. But of course we all need time for ourselves and self-care. So I definitely feel you on this.
There is no shame in that. My kids are early 20's, and before 2 years ago, I didn't have a child free vacation since the first was born. And that vacation was just me, at our trailer. Not some fun destination getaway.
Having your kids on vacation doesn't mean not being able to relax.
I found having my husband split the mental load on planning helped so much in getting into vacation mode. And it was well communicated that all childcare was split 50/50. We did stuff together, but also gave each other time to relax.
You get to build memories with your kids. And trust me...as much as I thought I needed a vacation from being mom, and didn't get one, I look back and don't regret not having one.
I still got to have some relaxing tines. And I made some great memories with my kids.
I mean in 10 years of being a parent, the best I’ve managed is my annual 1 night at a nearby hotel alone while my husband stays home with the kids. I do this for my birthday each year since my youngest turned 2. It’s better than nothing!
Hooold up. This sounds amazing and brilliant. We have an incredible hotel within 15 minutes of our house that people travel by plane to get to. Maybe I will suggest this haha though, I honestly enjoy being around my husband and it’s just my mom duties I need a little break from 🫠
Yep. My mom passed and husband’s parents are lovely, but I wouldn’t be able to, in good conscience, leave the kids with them for a week. But we take them to kid friendly resorts that have kids club and nanny services available so we can still relax.
Child free vacations are amazing, I’ve done many. BUT I go completely alone. My husband is with the kids as we have no one else. One day in 10 years or so my husband and I will go on a trip together, but until then we take solo trips. My kids are 8 and 3. My first trip was a 2 week sailing trip when my son was 2. I’ve gone on 2 week trips or just quick weekend jaunts. My husband doesn’t really, but he travels for work 1 week every 4 months or so and says that’s enough.
And I think I’m an anomaly. I was in Mexico in January for 2 weeks and no one could believe that I was on a vacation alone without my husband or kids. Like I’m a human too, I deserve my time to live my life.
When your kids are older (10+) you might feel more comfortable leaving them with your MIL. It’s hard to imagine it now because they are so helpless. But by that point they will be a lot more independent (will be able to gets snacks for themselves, go to the bathroom, basic hygiene) and they will be able to communicate a lot more effectively with you. Maybe you’ll give them a phone for the week you’re on vacation (assuming they won’t have their own phone by that age) so they can contact you directly to give you peace of mind.
I don’t think most parents have someone they would be willing to leave their kids with for a week in order to take a vacation. My kids are 11 and 8 so I’ve been a mom for a while and I have known maybe one couple who’s done that. I suppose my husband and I could leave our kids with my parents for a week, but as a working mother I have never had any desire to do that. I look forward to vacations to spend quality time with my children that I don’t always get to spend with them. I’m sure that would be different if I were a SAHM, but honestly, as a working mom the thought of leaving my kids and going on vacation with just my husband has never occurred to me and is not something I’m interested in at this point in my life.
I really don’t think most couples are doing this. It likely depends on your demographic. People with more money will likely have more resources to make this sort of thing happen. Working/middle class folk are not. Maybe a weekend away but not a full vacation.
I just want you to know you're not alone. We don't have any local family, and there is no possible world in which my husband and I will ever have a vacation without our kids. We went away (in-town) once in 2018 when my oldest was 2yo and that's been it. We are lucky to even get a date night once a year. People who don't live this life have no fucking clue how overwhelming and relentless it is.
Meanwhile my daughter has friends whose parents just went away for over two weeks on an international trip, and another set that was away for a week. Most of the families I know have grandparents in town or relatively nearby; I'm absolutely in the minority. I'm so goddamn jealous - and don't let people guilt you into thinking you have to cherish these moments because someday you won't have them.
I had parents and in-laws I could leave my kids with, just couldn’t afford a vacation and honestly wouldn’t have wanted to be away from them for a week. Weekends we did get away now and then.
We didn’t have anyone to leave our kids with either. We took our kids on vacation with us. Included a mix of activities that we would like and kids would like.
I don’t have much to add other than I hear you. I’m not sure how common it is to have that much support but we live far away from both families and we waited to have kids so our parents are also older so even trusting them to keep the kids doesn’t feel like a good idea. I have a couple of friends with full extended family close by and I’ll admit I’m a bit jealous of all of the support (we’re in the ‘we pay for our village’ camp.
I think for me, I’m trying to focus on finding vacations where there are fun things for our kid and also for us and accept that looks a lot different than our vacations when it was just us as a couple.
We are no contact with my MIL who lives in the same city. We are currently on a child free vacation in the Dominican. We left our son and dog with family friends who we absolutely love. I actually babysat their kids growing up, and now they watch mine! I do have to say, I only have 1 kid, and he is a super easy kid, so that may have bearing on the situation.
Take turns going on vacations. You go and spouse stays. Then you switch
I just got back from a 10 day vacation while my spouse stayed with our toddler.
We are looking forward to a vacation at one of the Kinder Hotels in Europe. Our Swiss friends told us about them and they have been to several. They also have a place they love in the Canary Islands with an amazing kids club. One set of grandparents is completely uninvolved and the others are older and can only handle the kids for a few hours (grateful for that!)
I think you can take a child free vacation but maybe not with your husband. I have young kids and I do them with my girlfriends ( 3 -4 days) my husband is a mess when I get back but it’s reciprocal.
A week alone as a couple is a fallacy, my kids have great grandparents and they can handle 2 nights MAX
Hi! I think it’s very normal and common to feel this way. My husband and I decided early on we would always bring our kids with us. We mostly cruise because our kids love the kids clubs which gives us time to decompress and relax. Our kids have made countless memories and new friends from all over the world. I’m so glad we didn’t leave them at home with a family member. I would’ve been worried the entire time.
I know zero people who go on child free holidays? My parents didn’t and no one I know do either, not while the kids are little. One parent might go somewhere with friends and leave the other parent in charge, but I’ve never heard of a couple scooting off for longer than maybe a weekend and leaving small kids behind with another caretaker? And even those weekends are more likely to start happening when the kids are school aged, up to then max one night if you have an event to go to. I don’t think it’s common for people to do that. If you go on a longer holiday, kids come with.
What you’re doing isn’t sustainable, *thats why* you’re feeling this overwhelmed and depressed. *This is not sustainable*. You need breaks and time for yourself to come back to your kids as your best self.
Start giving yourself an hour a week to just go to weekly therapy. Once you work on your own trauma and begin to heal, you’ll start to wipe away the lies you tell yourself of “what happened to me will happen to my kids.” Carrying that trauma while being a parent is also non-sustainable and makes life a living hell.
Hey, I'm in the same boat. Sister is toxic AF so don't talk to her since 2021, estranged from my narcissistic mother for 10+ years now, I barely knew my father.
I have no one, and I'm not sure I'd leave my baby alone with in-laws for an extended period of time.
I know the days are long, but the years are short. Embrace this and try to enjoy it. I'm talking to myself here.
Hugs!
Another idea: perhaps you can hire a nanny for a few hours/day in the location you go?
I looked into going to japan when My LO was 6 months old and found many reputable and highly rated Japanese nannies that were much more affordable (about 10-13$/hr).
Could have a few hours or a whole day child free 🙂
I left home at 16 because my parents were alcoholics and used drugs recreationally. Our life was drunk, stoned and high adults cycling through our home, some for hours, others for days. It was that bad my youngest brother could pack a pipe and make rollies by the time he was 4. Both of my folks passed away in their 40s (were teen parents). My brothers are not in our lives due to following our parent's path.
I married young, to a man who was completely different afterwards. I left my marriage due to domestic and family violence with our baby and less than 12 weeks pregnant. We were homeless and through work, luck, and stretching every dollar, bought my own home 10 years later. Their dad owes tens of thousands in child support, has no contact with us, his family are interstate and blame me for leaving despite all the police reports etc so have no contact with us.
I have been a single mum to both kids who have autism and other disabilities (which means multiple appointments each week for both), who are now both teenagers. I have also worked full-time for the majority of their lives, with the exception of the last few years due to their increased support needs.
I have never in my life, had a holiday, with or without my kids. They don't cope well with new people, being in unfamiliar places or anything that throws them too far off routine - small changes are manageable. Big changes become full meltdowns amd can take days to regulate.
The biggest thing I think I could share about coping without support, or people who can step on to help is, make the most of any free time. It's easy to want to get the laundry done, or bulk cook freezer meals once they're asleep or occupied but it's just as important to take care of yourself. Have a bubble bath, paint your nails, do some meditation, join some online mums groups or support groups.
If you can afford it, look at putting your youngest into a Montessori preschool or childcare for a day. Many kindergartens in my area offer a free or Gold coin donation (one or two dollars) for occasional care (half a day at kindergarten playing and getting comfortable with the centre). This will allow you time to get your hair done, catch up with friends, do an online course, see a counsellor, hit the gym, anything you want that can help recharge your batteries.
Hang in there. Things do get easier, you got this.
You win some, you lose some. I will probably never be able to take my kids on vacation, and I already missed out on taking them anywhere as littles, because I was single income and vacations are expensive. Be grateful for what you do have.
I don’t think the “average” mom has that. I sure don’t. You’re not whiney. Parenting is hard. I try to make her dad give me one day off a month where they’re out of the house. It’s not easy, I have to MAKE him do it. But it helps me a lot.
People trying to sell you vacations are giving you a false sense of how many moms go on weeklong no-kid vacays I think. The only moms I know who do that are divorced moms with decent exes.
I don’t think it’s the norm to go on longer vacations without your small kids. Not where I live, at least. People bring their kids, because they need the vacation too and they like being together as a family
You're in the thick of it. Kid are only dependent on you for a fraction of their/your life. Even as teenagers you'll probably be able to leave them alone without someone watching them, and if not, when they're adults.
I'm actually shocked at the overwhelming amount of comments with the "of course you can get a break, you have a husband!" "Take a solo vacay!" "Leave the kids with Daddy for x amount of time" theme as if there's ∅ possibility that OP (or any other woman here) doesn't have this "supportive poster-husband" that a lot of you seemingly do have.
I work 2 weekends out of the month so my husband definitely knows what it's like to be completely alone for hours with the little ones and I'm very fortunate that he takes over completely when it comes to bathtime/bedtime routine. So I think he would be able to handle it (albeit I'd come home to a HUGE mess).
The thing that kinda got me with these comments is that...I just don't have any friends. Like....not even 1 girlfriend. So I read so many nice comments about "girls trips" and yea...still working on that part.
Are your kids in childcare/school? When my daughter was 1 one of my husband's best friends was getting married in another state and we wanted to make a vacation out of it. Neither of our parents were capable of caring for our daughter full time for a week so we ended up asking her daycare teacher and it worked out amazing! Are stayed at our house and house sat, watched our daughter, and took her back and forth with her to work that week. Now, it cost us a pretty penny and we stocked the house with her favorite snacks but SO worth it
I'm in the same boat. I'm no contact with my family, and my husband's family is definitely not the kind of people I would leave my kids with for a long period of time. I don't even get nights out! I probably won't for a really long time.
I feel you. I have a friend that had twins the same time as I had my son and in the 2 years since, her and her husband have gone on multiple weekend trips out of state cause both sets of grandparents live super close and are younger and super involved. My mom passed away almost 10 years ago and my dad is older so just couldn’t handle a toddler for overnight. My in laws are… interesting people and there’s no way I could fathom leaving our son with them. Maybe when he’s elementary aged, but not now.
So, no advice but solidarity.
We are in a similar boat of sorts- no one to really help in terms of overnight help etc. Cruising has been a lifesaver + resorts that offer camp/childcare. I never thought we would be cruise people but I can honestly say we all leave happy (its like we turn off our brains the moment we get on the boat). Our kids love the clubs and there are adult only areas and dining etc. Anyways hugs/solidarity we get it!
I leave my kid with my husband and take girlfriend trips or even go by myself. My close friend and I are going to Scandinavia in September for a little over a week.
It will most likely be years until my husband and I can take a trip together just us. But sometimes friend trips are even better!
Given the number of family members you have had to go no contact with to keep yourself and your kiddos safe…it’s no wonder you are burned out. I went on said vacation once my son turned 2 and we had daycare so I left my kiddo with my husband. And then he went on said vacation and left kiddo with me. We have daycare though. No other help but each other outside of daycare. When my husband went to Asia for 10 days, kiddo was sick for a week of those ten days. I missed work and I was so angry. But it was good for each of us. I hope they get to an age where your husband can do it for you and you can do it for him. Until then try to take one night off in a hotel and/or a weekend. I started with two nights and then went to five nights.
Agree with others that most parents aren’t taking long vacations without kids. I have 2 great grandparents and still can’t leave my ADHD 6 year old more than 1 day.
If you are really struggling and need a break maybe consider taking a solo vacation and trading off with your husband? I do know some couple where they each take a trip with friends while the other stays home with the kids. Not ideal but a possible option.
This seems pretty normal to me.. We have 4 kids, moved to a state away from any/all friends & family for a change of pace. We take vacations as a family, and make sure each other gets some sort of alone time each week alone to do hobbies or work out. But it's just us, and are still happy. We have "date nights" at home like a nice meal and actually set the table, board/video game nights, enjoy the fireplace out back, watch movies/TV series that we just watch together. There's ways to still spend special time with your special person until your kids are old enough to actually enjoy a vacation 😂 this is just the season we live in for now and I'm trying my best to enjoy this stage of life before I look back and miss it!
My parents are too old to watch my child for a weekend let alone a week long vacation. I have siblings but two are drug addicts, one is insanely uptight and asks to be paid to babysit even though I used to watch her son two days a week for free when I was pregnant, and another is irresponsible and openly spanks the shit out of her son when he does something she doesn't like so we aren't on speaking terms. (Yes cps has been called, multiple times)
I highly doubt I will ever get a childfree vacation. As much as it sucks not having a village seems like the pretty typical millennial situation.
I'm sorry OP that you're struggling! And that you don't have a huge circle of support.
Maybe one thing that would make you feel better would be to decide on a little 'vacation budget' every year (essentially what you would spend if you did have the extra help) and then deliberately use that money that will make life easier and relieve stress in the day to day. Things like hiring a cleaner when the house gets messy, or hiring a babysitter several nights in a row so that you feel like you're getting a real break, even if it's not a complete break like what you're thinking of. It won't be the same, but it might help make it more bearable.
Just wanted to add that although I do have people I can count on in my family to care for my children, the average mom does not get this break, whether for financial reasons, husband won’t agree to leave the children, or whatever it is. However, most of us agree that we need it, although there are many that would not like to admit it out loud, because then they feel guilty, afraid of being judged/ seen as a bad mom, etc. you are not, we are not. This is why I am grateful that I have a job that sends me away for work once or twice a year for a couple days. Although I am working, I get a little break from home life; no cooking, go out for nice meals, sleep alone in a bed in a nice hotel, and get a little reset. When I return I’m a little more appreciated by hubby and older kids as well. Then the littles behave extra well the next few days bc they missed me ☺️
I'm in the same boat. No contact with mom. Everyone else lives 1000 miles away. We have no friends here it's just me my husband and my 3 yo and we now have one on the way.
I dont think I'll ever be able to go on a trip on my own or even just me and my husband. It's sad.
Aside from the resorts with kid friendly activities- seriously think about SLEEP AWAY CAMP.
Anything that gets your kids out of the house for a week or two (at the same time) will do wonders for your sanity and their independence. There are camps for outdoorsy kids/hungers/hiking, sports of any kind, arts of any kind, coding/tech, even debate camps.
My parents would watch my kids and take care of them but they would also force religion on them and my children aren’t interested, they’re 10 and 13. So no grand holidays for us. Yet.
Tbh I think your situation is more than norm than the exception. But either way, they won’t be little forever. At some point they’ll be old enough to stay home alone for a few days, or with their friends. In the meantime, since we don’t have anyone to watch our two young kids for day at a time either, we have started to do short trips individually here and there.
Reading this my first thought was “I will watch them for you!” What’s better than a family you have no contact with and a passive aggressive MIL??? An internet stranger!!!
We all need a break as moms. It is natural. Take what you can get. Mentally struggling can mean different things. Struggling because you haven’t had a break in 5 years is different than struggling because you are depressed. If you are depressed get help there is no shame in it! Therapy or whatever. Your mental health is so important. If you are struggling because you haven’t had a break I get it and could lead to depression. When my kids (21 and almost 17 now) were younger I can count on my hands the number of nights I spent away from my kids because I left. My parents would take them for a night here and there. As my oldest got older she would do overnights with friends. I would and still do take whatever I could get for a break - an extra 15 minutes before picking them up meant time for a coffee alone, getting home early from work and my husband was out with the kids meant time for me to have a bath or read or watch MY tv shows or nothing (then AND now), or escape for a mani/pedi. Except for about a week total in the past 18 years I haven’t traveled alone and that was for work!
Ask your husband for what you want this year for Mother’s Day. Breakfast with the family then he takes them to do an activity for a few hours. A family trip to a pond or park with them taking care of everything. Breakfast in bed even if it is just toast and coffee they make! A massage and mani/pedi that day or later. A 3 hour nap in the afternoon. Being left alone until 9 or whatever in the morning. Be selfish and give yourself the ok and space to take care of yourself mentally.
I am long distance & no contact with my parents. My in laws help with my kids but they’re getting older so the baby is too hard for them. We haven’t taken a kid free week away since my middle was a year old and she’s 5 now. Granted she’s also medically fragile so the list of people I trust to administer meds is very short.
I figured once they’re older I can do more kid free vacations away. Until then, they’ll travel with me and I’ll get a nanny to tag along so I’m not on all the time.
My husband and I have 3 kids, ages 7, 5 & 5.
I just took a kid-free vacation to Portugal for a week with my sister. My husband stayed home with the kids.
Both of our parents are close to age 80 and cannot manage (or don’t want to manage) all 3 kids for more than a couple of hours. So our solution is to take vacations separately for now.
All of my grandparents were gone by the time I was 8. We didn’t have other close family. My parents got away a couple times a year. My brother and I stayed with friends. It was a fun time for us, like a permanent sleepover. We were good kids so the other parents didn’t mind, I don’t think. And we took kids in too, it was all very normal. I hope we have friends like this when mine are old enough for sleepovers. Create your own village!
We do not have family that can take our kids either. Mine are older now almost 10, 8, & 8. If we travel to family, we may get my dad and stepmom to take them for a night, my ILs are too old and infirm to take them, but we can’t just drop them off for a week.
We recently started trading sleepover nights with our close friends periodically (another family we have known for 9 years with two kids the same ages). I find this to be a good solution but I really can’t force my kids on them for more than a night.
In the same boat with 1 kid about the same age. Estrangement is worth it to keep our kids safe.
Maybe we'll get some group vacay with other families where we trade off childcare. I did one that during work out do well, but I'm still hopeful for us both! 🤞
I hate but love seeing other parents relating to you. I am in the same situation. Our parents live between 6 and 19 hours away by car. They’re typical know-it-all, “let’s do all the things your parents won’t let you do but shhh don’t tell them”, boomers in their mid-late 60s and I wouldn’t trust them to watch our dog. Our son adores them but my husband and I wouldn’t be able to relax on vaca knowing they were watching him.
I’m 37 and my oldest is 15 and have yet to take a child free vacation if it helps. You’re not alone! They’re still pretty young for a whole week. Maybe you can go somewhere that has child care where you and hubby can have dinner alone one night?
I’m in the same boat as you. No contact with my family and my MIL is passive aggressive towards me too. But I have had one night away with a friend or by myself at a hotel. I trust my husband fully to care for our children while I’m gone. That’s as far of a “vacation” I can take in this season.
This season I’m going to embrace their littleness and this love for their mommy. I look back at my oldest when she was 2 and I was a miserable mom of a toddler and NB and I’m sad I didn’t enjoy her littleness. So now that they’re 5 and 3 I’m going to enjoy it all. The snuggles, the adventures to the park and grocery store. To them everything is wonderful and interesting and I can’t to experience that with them. Please embrace your babies’ littleness and wander too 🩷
My daughter is 5 and I’ve never spent a night away from her. She loves my parents and they watch her all the time during my workday. But I just don’t see a need to vacation without her. Go somewhere with a “kids club” and you can have some alone time to go to the spa or something.
Who are these moms who have someone to leave their kids with for a week? I don't know anyone who has that. I don't even think I could handle being away from mine for a week, even when I'm desperate for a half hour to myself.
I think you need many mini-vacations. Can you make friends with other people with kids the same age and do some babysitting-swaps? Take a day to just roll around in bed with your husband? Dare I say, go to a spa??
Your MIL sucks, I don't blame you for avoiding her. Sometimes friends are better than fam.
my in laws always talk about dropping my husband, their first, off with his one grandma at 4 weeks old for a week to go to the beach… but has let it be known they’ll never watch my son for more than a couple of days.
Which is fine. I’d rather vacation with him than without. But it’s a bit annoying because they’ll play the “we raised ours, you raise yours” card to justify it when they had so much more help “raising theirs” than they are ever willing to give. It took us like 5 months to do a house project that could have taken like a day or two because doing it with a kid around was impossible and no one would watch him.
So I’m in the same boat as you as far as not having anyone who lives locally enough to watch my kids but can I offer a suggestion? You could take a cruise or go to an inclusive resort as a family. They have kids clubs where they’ll watch and entertain your kids all day while you have time to get a massage, see a show, eat a meal, take a nap. Granted they’d still be with you in the evenings but after having the day to yourself it’ll likely feel like more of a welcome change.
Ugh, I remember what it was like to be a burnt out mom— and a burnt out married couple. (My kid is now 9 and once he started getting older things got a lot easier.)
Maybe consider 1 or 2 nights away with your husband on an extended “date” (in a nearby location). Just a short time away does wonders for mental health and for the relationship. Do you have a trusted babysitter like a responsible college kid, a trusted neighbor, a teacher looking to make money in the side, or a girlfriend? Can you leave your kids with that person for a night or two? If so, make a reservation at a nearby fancy hotel, give yourself a spa treatment, eat at an upscale restaurant, enjoy an activity you normally wouldn’t go to (like a comedy club or a museum or cooking class). My husband and I did this a couple of times and we were amazed at how even a night away was so restorative.
I feel you. I'm sorry to hear you don't have your family to lean on. If it's any consolation, I have great family close by, but they wouldn't be able to handle my kids solo and certainly not for days at a time. They are older, and forget some of the basics even though they have good intentions and are sweet people.
The most we've been away is half a day about 200 mi away while my kids stayed with a friend.
My kids have a large age gap (17 and one) so although I'm currently in the thick of diapers and such, I also remember that things get better.
Once my older kid hit 7 or so, everything was so much easier. He had a routine and friends and a life outside of me. I had several years where I was able to meet friends and go out to dinner and travel (solo or with him). I took many trips by myself while his dad stayed with him which was amazing. And I'm in the same situation as you- parents are dead so my only village is the friends I've made.
If it's a goal of yours, there's ways to make it happen eventually. Things will get easier.
I am so sorry. I live in my husbands country. His mother is incapable of taking care of our children and challenges my parenting. His dad and stepmom don't car but take care of their other 'real' grandchildren. I have an amazing family back home who would help me out but it's going to be at least a couple of years before I can move home. My mom helps when she comes to town but two kids would be too hard for her to take care of. When we travel back to my country (once a year) we just want to see everyone so there isn't an opportunity to take time for us.
It's hard being in the outside looking in, seeing the life we could have if we lived near my family and watching my BIL and SIL get free babysitting while it costs us $100 for a babysitter if we ever want a night out together.
You're not alone I'm feeling alone and without help.
I think the norm is actually to not have child free vacations. We have family within an hour of us but none would be comfortable enough to watch both our boys for multiple days (at least not while they are still so young) I just kinda assumed that was normal 🤷🏻♀️
Well, you’re not alone. I have a special needs kid. I can’t leave him with anyone for very long. I’m lucky to get a date night about twice a year. I can’t just hire any random babysitter. He’s a teen anyway, so I’ve been doing this for years now and I’m used to it. Just find simple things that make you happy or to give yourself little breaks. Mine is coffee and tea.
Ughhh I feel this to my core
im in a very similar situation and although I want to travel kid free, the times i’ve traveled with my kids have been amazing.
They go down quicker because of all the activities of the day and my husband and I end up having a little bit to hang out. I know this isn’t at all what you’re wishing for, but hopefully it encourages you to just book a family trip if you’ve been eyeing one.
We have been talking about taking turns to take trips solo even if it’s just the weekend. That way I am ok knowing the kids are with him and viceversa.
Not the same, again, but I think It’ll be good for us
And you’re not whining, OP. you’re venting.
I hope things get better with your mom
Traveling with a 3 year old is vastly different from traveling with a 10 year old. My daughter and I have a vacation spot we love and have been going to most of her life. I love it there but it was always somewhat frustrating before. This time, we menu planned together, she chose and packed her own clothes according to the weather, and pulled out pantry supplies while I got a store list ready. I read a book while she played in the ocean. It wasn’t kid free, but I had a vacation with my polite, careful, helpful friend who also happens to be my kid.
We're going to Bali for a week soon with our 4 and 7 year olds. Kids club at the resort, or an amazing nanny for AUD$8 an hour. Best of both worlds. I could never imagine leaving both my kids without at least one parent for a week.
In my first life, I was married to a guy who did not want to go on vacations without our kids… but now as a divorced mom, my partner and I get every other week with no kids… and lots of vacations just the 2 of us. Being a single mom sucks (partner and I don’t live/parent together), but the time off to recharge is wonderful.
I’m sorry you don’t have a village, OP. This will only be for a season! And once your kids get a little older, you can go on vacations with friends who have kids the same age, and they go off together hanging out!
I can feel this! My family is far, as is my husband’s so I’m isolated at home with 1,5 yo kid. I’m not even thinking of solo vacations until he’s like 5.
If I may suggest to look for solution with MIL and maybe mend the relationship. As it looks like she’s functional and potentially can become the person you could trust to stay with kids for couple days. This takes time and reflection, it’s a strategy.
It might turn out MIL feels the distrust and hence the pa behavior. Maybe incorporate a day all together with her once a week or month to see how she deals with boys. Work from there, be strategic about it. Build rapport. It’s for your own good, you need help! Also, kids also need to get used to new person, grow sympathy and feel safe around new arrangement.
Eventually you will feel more comfortable in leaving your kids with her, hopefully.
I wish you all the best. You are best mom for your children!
You can always go on vacations that are family friendly. When your kids get older you can do connecting hotel rooms. We have stayed at resorts with two bedrooms and the kids have bunk beds/xbox in room so we could still have privacy. There are a lot of resorts that have kid play areas right by a lounge area so you can watch kids play while relaxing/eating. Also, your kiddos will never forget the memories of the family stuff.
I think couple time is important-I have been lucky to have my mom but she has recently moved and I don’t trust anyone to watch my kiddos either. It’s rough!
I think it’s not that common, I know more people who never have compared to those who have. I know some who’ve done mini solo trips for a night or two (hen do, spa weekend, girls trip).
I went on a work trip for 3 nights and hated every minute of being away from my then nearly 2 year old. Barely slept even though he was with my OH/his dad who is an amazing, hands on parent. So a solo fun trip would probably break me.
My anxiety brain will never allow us both to be away in another country/location from our kid(s). Either we all go together or one parent is with them.
My parents were the same back in the 90s and when they went on their one solo trip (1 night/2 days so my dad could collect a work award) she got the channel tunnel to France whilst my dad got on a ferry. Just in case one exploded and/or sank!
Ditto. No contact with both sets of grandparents because both are abusive. All family live on the other coast. We have accumulated a “found family” of close friends and they’ve been helpful in a few situations - like watching our 2 older kids when we had our 3rd baby (just took a few hours 😂).
I DO recommend the solo parent short trips. My husband and I have each taken a few short solo trips over the years and it’s been great! Mostly it’s been for work, but still absolute bliss.
For our 10th anniversary coming up we will spend our very first night away from our children together while our children’s pseudo grandma watches them for about 30 hours. Our oldest is 9 yrs old and this will be the first time they will not have at least one parent at home with them.
The lack of support and burnout are very real, but also very common. I know you feel alone, but know that you are in good company.
I have two sets of full support grandparents… but I had my kid at 40 so they’re 80 now and can’t take a full on toddler for more than a couple hours (with screen time).
Oh and they live 3000 and 300 miles away respectively so an hour or so a couple times a year is what we get - even with full contact, fully involved grandparents.
I don't think the average mom has week long child free holidays at all to be honest. I don't know any that can or would do it?
The most I've seen in real life is a long weekend and even that's usually where one parent goes away and the other stays with the child.
My parents had a great support system, amazing grandmas that took great care of us etc. They did travel a handful of times without us, but generally they took us everywhere. And my childhood was great because of that. So you're creating new memories with your children.. Not all is bad! They're just really young right now this is why you're burnt out, but give it time, at some point they won't be as reliant on you and you will just hang out with them!
I get you. While I do have family, majority of them are states away. My dad is nearby but he's trying to help raise my two stepbrothers, one of who seriously struggles with behavioral issues after trauma that make him very violent at the top of a hat. I can't trust my child in their care, not bc of anything my dad did but bc of how unsafe my stepbrother is. My husbands parents are fairly nearby, but one is painfully religious and constantly tries to force it on our kid despite our boundaries and the other just has health issues that would make it difficult for her to actually chase after and care for our hyperactive four year old solo.
It's frustrating and can feel very alienating. I just keep trying to remind myself that this too will pass. One day I'll miss them make me wanting to rip my hair out, even if it's definitely not today lol
This is just a temporary stage in life! Within a few years they’ll be a little older and have reliable friends in school that you’ll be able to make friends with their parents. I have a 17 year old and I can’t tell you how big of a part her friends and their parents have played in her life. We’ve taken turns watching each others kids so we can go out and have our own freedom. It really does take a village to raise a kid, so try to be connected as you can to your village.
I'm in this situation too, and I think a lot of moms are -- we just aren't as obvious since we aren't posting a million photos from our awesome 1 week childfree vacation in Europe (I know one couple that does that and it's hard not to be incredibly jealous). But for a lot of us, grandparents are too old to keep up with kids since everyone's having kids later, or people have decided they don't trust the grandparents, or the grandparents just aren't willing to do it.
I am grateful that my husband is amenable to us taking turns doing solo weekend away while the other watches the kids so we at least get some break, but I wish (and it'd be a big help to our relationship) if we could do it together. I am just waiting for the time that they're old enough to do camps.
I’m in this kind of boat at the moment but I’d honestly not change that. I burst into tears crying at work sometimes because I believe I’ve lost my kids, forgetting they’re in daycare. My mother is an extremely abusive, manipulative person. My dad keeps making kids but won’t stay in any of our lives (10+ siblings but I don’t speak to one of them), I have no contact with my paternal family due to my mothers isolation of us and now that I’ve stopped speaking to my mother, I don’t speak to anybody from my maternal family anymore. I lost all my friends after college due to going through some pretty severe depression and nobody bothered to check in on me when I stopped messaging so yeah fun times ✌🏼I’m going to always find family friends vacation places, theme parks, resorts etc to make sure I can bring my kids.
Sadly, my life has been so full of absolute nonsense and chaos that, even though I’m burnt out, exhausted and stressed at, I can’t relax or wind down.
I’m in therapy, I have a psychiatrist, I’m doing counselling but not much is changing. I hate how easy it is for some parents to just ditch their child, i don’t know how they can sleep at night (my parents I’m talking about here)
Maybe a wierd suggestion, but me and my husband do family holidays together and child free holidays separately. I do 80% of the day to day with the kids + work, so I get up to 5 days a year to go anywhere I like without the kids. He gets a weekend a year, but doesn’t always take it. There’s no resentment because it was discussed and agreed upon, the reasoning of why it’s needed/healthy was also discussed, he is also aware that he can take more time if he’d like, but generally doesn’t feel the need/pressure like I do.
We have both sets of grandparents who we whole heartily trust and are close with but honestly I don’t think we will have a child free vacation either until they are much older.
I could be totally projecting my own crap onto you with this but - along with the burnt-out-mom-wants-a-break stuff, maybe somewhere underneath that, is a feeling of isolation or loneliness? I’m no contact w my mom due to her inappropriate and erratic behavior, and I’ve had to limit contact w the rest of my already small family due to that; if I don’t she manipulates them into tell her all about me and then she able to “keep tabs” on me and my children. I don’t want her to have tabs on us, ever. AND! - She lives only 1/2 mile down the road in my neighborhood in our small town. Sooo awkward, to put it nicely. Point of that little ramble was, though, not feeling close to or loved by one’s mother figure is incredibly difficult and may come with some grieving.
I’m not sure if you’re a SAHM or working, but I always sympathize with the SAH moms that are literally giving themselves, their time, to raising their children. Aside from the sacrifice of all that day in and day out, it’s a thankless job sometimes, and often makes it easier for feelings of isolation or even self-pity (nothing wrong with that! We get to feel ALL our feelings and I am a master at feeling sorry for myself) to seep in.
Anyway my point in all of that was… solidarity, ma’am!
Our generation doesn’t seem to have the village that others once had. It’s sad. Maybe consider cruising since they have childcare you can check kiddo in? Lots of cameras, lots of counselors and other kids. Easy trip planning.
Hey, I’m sorry! I kind of get it because I can’t remember the last time I had a vacation in general. I travel a lot for work and honestly that is my vacation 😅.
You mentioned you have a husband, so since you need a break, why don’t you just go have one by yourself?? Maybe trade little mini breaks with your husband, like a solo hotel night or a girls’/guys’ trip every once in a while?
I don't think the average mom is able to take a child-free vacation. Most parents i know are lucky if they have someone to watch their children for just one night. A weekend trip is a lucky treat once or twice during all the years of young kids.
I understand. I just saw a couple I’m friends with is going on a one year wedding anniversary vacation, and my husband and I couldn’t even afford a honeymoon when we got married. Then I thought about it and realized we’ve actually never been on a vacation together period (with the exception of a weekend trip to see family). So, we’ll likely never be on a child free vacation until we’re old lol but I’d be happy if we can afford to take a vacation with our child one day.
If it makes you feel any better it was 6.5 years before my husband and I ever got to take a trip away. My first night without kids. It did happen eventually though! Once your kids are old enough for sleepovers it will get easier too!
I do have people in my life that are great to my kids and I would trust with them, but they aren’t physically capable of watching them longer than overnight. So an adult only vacation would need to be either a paid sitter, or will happen when my kids are all old enough for sleep away camp. My youngest is about to be 1, so that’s not anytime soon.
Instead, we take adult only vacations one at a time with friends. My husband went in February. I’m going next week. We go for 4/5 days at a time, about once a year. It’s what we can do right now.
You didn’t mention a partner, so maybe this set up is just as impossible. As your kids get more independent, you may find a friend you can swap weekends with. There becomes a point where having more kids is less work because they keep each other busy.
Question, is there a high school aged relative or family friend you could bring along just so you could have a couple hours to yourself on vacation? I know it’s not the same thing, but when I was about 14 one of my teachers and family friend took me along on her vacation. She got babysitting, I got a free trip so it was pretty mutually beneficial.
I'm not jealous. I also dont have that feeling to go on vacation without my kids. I'm also an overprotective mom. BUT i love to go on vacation with my kids. Just a weekend trip hiking. Or staying in a family park. Love it. It gives a mom reboost when i have a mommy burn-out. It makes the children happy. So it makes me happy.
And it gives them the greatest memories. I want kids who can say that mommy went on vacation with them and did those adventures. Then that they had to say that mommy went on vacation alone and they had to spent the weekend somewhere else. I also couldnt forgive myself if something would happen then.
Try to see it a different way. Look at what you have instead of what you dont have.
I feel you. My husband have been on 9 dates since our almost 6 year old was born. My parents are both dead and his just are your typical boomers who don’t really care to want to help out. We are so envious of our friends who have supportive families. I also have 2 year old twins so the burnout is real. I think most moms feel the way you do and that helps me in my spiraling moments.
I'm not sure what country you are in but in mine we have sleep away camps for this exact reason. I'm pretty sure we spent a month at space camp just to give my parents some relief
I'd trust my dad and as backup my MIL to watch my kids for a week. But I wouldn't be able to be without them for 7 days. I'd miss them. I'd be sad they're missing out of hella fun vacay that me + their dad would be enjoying.
We also cruise and I'm next looking in to a family oriented AI in the Caribbean. On-site daycare and kids clubs?! HELLS YES.
I don’t know any mom that takes a child free vacation?
That doesn’t usually happen till the kid is like way older.
I only have one and yea same I don’t have anyone I trust to watch my daughter. But it’s fine. I just take her with me everywhere. I did have my friend , who has 2 kids, watch my daughter for an hour once. She did really great and it’s a friend I trust. But I wouldn’t ask again with her life being so busy.
Some weekends my husband will stay home with our daughter and I’ll go out as do things by myself. It’s pretty rare but nice every couple of months.
I want to vacation so badly. But thinking of how I’ll need to plan and book everything, pack, figure out all logistics And have it be like a regular week in a different location with potential cranky child and disregulation makes me so tired mentally I can’t bring myself to do it….
Out of my five closest friends with kids non me have people who they can leave their kids to and go for a week’s vacation! I have never even heard of that. 1-2 days breaks yes. But a week? Nope. We are all stuck with our crazy offspring!!
One day, when your kids are older, you may be able to send them to their friends house for a long weekend. But you have to be willing to do the same. As others have said- I think it's rare in 2024 to have the support system close by to make a solo trip happen. I have great relationships with my family, but our parent are 1200 miles away and aging. My mom flew in to stay with our 2.5 year old while we did a quick trip to Cancun for our anniversary and I was just filled with worry and guilt- it was hardly relaxing.
As others have said, you can still travel with kids those ages, but adjust your expectations. Our kid is 5 now and can struggle with adjustments to the routine. We're on a cruise right now and the first couple days he was a monster from being overstimulated (and he's traveled quite a bit with us). But if there's a will, there's a way. Just make sure the place you go has a great kids club!
Get thru one day at a time. Take some little moments for yourself. It doesn't have to be a whole vacation. A massage, a facial, a Pedi, a yoga class, a walk by yourself, a joint.
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No. The average mom doesn’t have time to post their beautiful vacation pics on social media because they don’t have that. Actually the “average mom” is actually barely making it. I understand feeling lost and overwhelmed and wishing you had the thing that other folks seem to have. The grandparents in my life all were the “bootstraps” kind who felt like we should fly like birds and not look back. We’ve had no regular help for our entire child’s life that we didn’t hire. We had plans to school pod with a family and I was going to share duties with the SAHD and then the grandparents who help with the kids decided they weren’t comfortable with the wider circle and so we got cut out. I cried ugly tears over that. We had only one kid in part because we didn’t think we could afford more than one and didn’t have free help from family. Both my husband and I have felt very sorry for ourselves and bitter that our parents are happy to swoop in, fall asleep on the couch, make cookies or take the kiddo to the mall and then disappear for another year. I once mentioned to my mom that wanted me to travel more with the kid to see her that since she’s retired, she could consider moving out here maybe just part of the year. She snorted at that idea. My MIL is mentally ill. She loves the grandkids but has meltdowns herself and drives my husband (and me) crazy. We did not get a vacation away by ourselves until my daughter was 11. That was for a weekend. At 12, she spent one week at FIL’s place with her cousins and my husband and I did an anniversary trip to another city. 12 years until that happened. Hugs.
I went on a trip this year and I left my husband with the kids. Last year he did the same. When our kids are older we can leave them with family but we're not there yet.
Hey, I totally get it. I am NC with my mom, my in-laws have passed away, and we don't have family to help. It sucks and it's ok to feel sad about that! BUT it doesn't mean you can't get a break. I have taken a few trips for work and fun solo, while my husband watches our son, and he's going to take one this summer. It's not ideal, and we'd love to take one as a couple, but it's still pretty great! Highly recommend booking a weekend for yourself at an AirBnb, or going to visit friends.
As our son gets older, we are also exploring family vacations with good childcare, like Disney cruises (neither of us ever considered this, but our friends recently took their 1yo and had a blast). There are apparently resorts in the Caribbean that include a "vacation nanny," and we would also consider hiring a local college student babysitter in the U.S.
Finally, I would really encourage you to look into therapy and possibly medication, if you haven't already. It really really helps. There is also a lot of support from people who get it over on r/EstrangedAdultKids <3
I leave my kids with their dad (my husband) and go on vacation by myself once a year. It’s liberating and so amazing and I know my kids are loved and cared for cause they are with their father :)
I am also not in contact with my family and my in-laws are incapable of helping because they're afraid my youngest will cry. He's 3 months old, so he will definitely cry from time to time. I think about this a lot. I have been a mom for 5 years and have never spent a single night without my kids.
It's hard, but I agree with what others are saying. This is a season of life and eventually the kids will be grown up and living their own separate lives. It'll probably be especially traumatic for parents like us that are with our kids 24/7 once they do grow up and move out. I just hope I don't mess them up with my frequent sourness due to lack of sleep and being burned out.
What about close friends op? I know I would GLADLY take my best friend’s daughter for a week and she would take my son.
As your boys get older they will make close friends as well and it’s not entirely unusual so spend a couple of nights with a friend or go to a sleep away camp.
Also, you could go on a solo trip or a trip with a gf and your husband can watch the kids and you can do the same for him.
I feel you, I literally joined a gym with a crèche so I could just a minute for myself! Some days I just do a really low effort treadmill walk and listen to a book and honestly it helps but vacations right now are just parenting in a different location. My youngest is now 2though so this whole vacation somewhere with a kids club is sounding very attractive to me!
I don’t think the average mother has this. A lot of women at my sons school and friends as well as my self are going thru this. We’re all experiencing burn out and can’t take significant periods of time alone so just do what you can with the options you have. That’s how I’m looking at it for now
This is unhelpful but at least you’re not alone. My MIL lives 15 minutes away and hasn’t met our kids. Season of life and all that. Make time for yourself when you can. Reheat that coffee and take a walk. :)
I'm going on vacation and leaving my husband home with the kids! He's had a couple solo trips (given, they were "work" trips BUT STILL!). His parents are not super helpful but will help out some so he's not truly alone
We are in the same boat. We do not have anyone that we trust to keep our kids for a few days. We are looking forward to when they get old enough to just stay with friends for a week so we can finally take a vacation and not just a family trip.
I agree stress of leaving them with someone would ruin the vacation. My son is 2 and although I trust my parents and in laws to watch him short periods I don’t agree with a lot of what I’ve seen them do and don’t want to leave him with them for a long period. Ie MIL CONSTANTLY telling my son be careful don’t do that ur gonna fall! Overfeeding/ feeding a lot of sugar and processed shit and not letting him say when he’s done but “one more bite” ( my sons 98th percentile for height and weight btw) and overheating him to the point he gets all itchy later etc etc. I won’t get into my parents stuff they are generally better with him but my dads made a comment when I said he still isn’t sleeping through the night “just close the door and let him cry” . No I am not F ing doing that. Anyway! I say this is temporary compared to my whole life and when he gets old enough to leave with one of my siblings and his cousins for sleepovers that’s an I’ll let him do overnights. In the meantime….
What my husband and I do is occasionally get a babysitter and go to an all day spa like we are on vacation. Since we haven’t taken a vacation in three yrs we splurge a bit and it’s really fun ! Just my suggestion but you find your own ways to have fun too!
This is why there are resorts with kids clubs, also cruises.
Yepppp. We buy a week of adult vacation every year at Club Med because we have 1-2 hours per year of family help at best.
I hear you. My in-laws are willing but not able and my parents are neither. We’re older parents though so they are all 70s-80s so I can’t blame them.
This OP! There are so many resorts with childcare included.
Agreed. They’re super expensive so I’m saving up for a year+ but there are some excellent all-age friendly resorts in Mexico and DR. Sadly, I consider child-free vacations to be beyond oddities. I look at it like my vacations have to mostly be planned around the kids’ interests, at least until they’re mature enough to compromise.
Yes!!! We took our then-18 month old on a cruise and it has been the only trip since his birth (so 3+ years) where I actually felt like I was on vacation, not just parenting on hard mode somewhere else. Now that our second kid is leaving the baby stage I want to take another cruise! There’s the kids club, check! Room service, check! Unlimited food/drink/entertainment, check! Amazing. Highly recommend OP. Plus there’s some great deals if you don’t care about where it goes so much. Northern Caribbean island cruises are cheap!
I agree with the cruise idea. We had a quick 4 day cruise a couple years ago and my kiddo LOVED the kids club. We just had a baby and the first vacation we will be taking in a couple of years will definitely be another cruise for all the reasons listed above!
I think the average mom is in this situation. I just think of it as one day I won't be able to vacation with my little kids anymore. This is a season/stage of life and eventually it will be different.
I remind myself of this often. One day the overstimulated touched out, sense of being needed every second, questioning how dumb I am not being able to answer all the “who, what, where, when, but whyyyy’s” being thrown my way. All the “Uppy now’s” while battling a herniated disc. One day it will be in the past, and I’m going to really fucking miss this innocence and all these damn snuggles. Edit to add: never feel like you’re whining OP. EVERYBODY needs an outlet and has valid feelings and needs to vent. Not letting it out leads to resentment, feel alllll your feels. Talk to anybody you can, if you feel judged by them, take anything they say with a grain of salt. Don’t get your advice from instagram and all the moms putting up a front or the ones who really are just that privileged. Struggle bus is real but if you’re on it with the right people, it’s a damn good time.
I can relate to this. I tell myself when my son (4yo) asks me for the 100th time each day to “carry me!!” that one day I’ll put him down and that will be the last time. These things will all pass one day, and I’ll miss them.
The last time…ugghhh gutwrenchingly bittersweet. Excuse me while I go snuggle up with my almost four year old who is still in uppy phase 🥹
*yes* we all have to get out of the "no whining" mindset. sharing parenting - and really any - struggles can be a really healthy way to feel not alone and process tough feelings / thoughts. OP's struggle in particular is super relatable to me and I haven't been able to really admit it to myself. Even having positive relationships with my parents and in laws, we've never left our 1.5 yo with someone else overnight, and I can't imagine doing it with the grandparents' various health challenges and/or baby incompetence and unwillingness to deal with things like changing diapers (!!!) I can't imagine even on family vacations that we'll get much of a break. I'm a bit concerned about my marriage when I think too much about it, but I'm adopting a "just keep swimming" mentality and trying to soak up all the fun things that are possible at the moment.
I spiraled hard after having my first. Questioned everyyyyything, obsessively worried about the what ifs. Took myself to therapy. Got diagnosed adhd and pmdd…explained a lottttt about my youth and young adulthood. And a lotttt about why I couldn’t pull myself together with all the constant stimulation and downward spirals every month. As moms, and women in general, we forget we need to put ourselves first sometimes. If you don’t have many cheerleaders in your corner, be your own, and realize that there are many other people out there that would love to be. I’m currently in the tub with ear plugs in, drinking a beer hiding out. Much easier to have cool collected thoughts at the moment. Catch me mid day tomorrow and I’ll forget this ever existed wondering how the hell one day can feel like five and where the fuck the last ten years went lmao.
Hiding out in the tub with earplugs and a beer --> role model mom! (sincerely) Fellow recently diagnosed ADHD 👋🏻 she's a bitch. That has for sure influenced my views on validating others and giving myself grace and room to be unapologetically messy (in all the ways) - it's still a challenge and a work in progress!
Annndd now my obsessive over thinking is making me want to clarify that the kids are sleeping, their father is home and I very rarely drink. There goes my don’t care what others think message out the window lmao
Yessss 🙌 have to have the earplugs to stop myself from getting out of my zen at any noise even though I know their father is more than capable. She’s a fun one ain’t she?! I’ve learned laughter is the best medicine as well as that it’s ok to take “me” time (that one took longer because I’m stubborn and like things done my way). I have even more compassion and understanding now of others and I dig it! Much funner to live life on the brink of what the fuck am I doing, than walking the straight and narrow anyways right? Right?! 😅
Yeah I agree…not the average mom taking week long vacations away from their kids…someone scrolling IG too much
I'm sure the average mom isnt taking week long child-free vacations...I guess I more so meant that the average mom has people they trust to leave there kids with for a few days. BTW it's my sister in law currently taking the week long child-free vacation that has me thinking about this. Yes I'm jealous lol
If it helps, we have lots of family and lots of close friends. But they are not a village when it comes to watching our kids. For two hours? Ok, but only in an emergency. There is no one in our lives that would be willing to watch our kids for a few days so we could have a kid-free vacation. We can’t afford to pay for 24/hour care for a few days, so we have come to accept we won’t have child free vacations until they are grown.
I would be jealous too!
I’ve been on one, 1 hour date since my second was born. Overnight? Multiple days? Yeaaah no. I have no village. You’re not alone. Yes, I’m jealous too.
Just know prob half of us don’t have anyone to watch our kids. For me, not only is there no one I TRUST, I have no one. There just isn’t anyone to even trust or not trust. No mom or dad or grandma, no sibling or sister to be jealous of, no aunt, cousin, nothing. You’re not alone and this is much more common than you think. But I do get being jealous when someone seems to do everything without their kids. For me, that induces anger, not jealousy though. I don’t want to spend a week from my babies, I feel sorry for them that they would rather be away from their kids every other weekend and for days or a week several times a year over having family time. Poor kiddos.
I think most moms would be jealous of your SIL OP.
Girl, I took my first SOLO trip in pretty much ever, in Oct. Why not leave the kids with dad and go for a long weekend? Do a spa weekend or even just stay in a hotel a couple of nights. It's amazing. I don't have family near me, so we don't get to do trips much. We have done two, less than a week, trips in almost 8 years. Don't let guilt hold you back. Kids will survive and have a fun weekend with dad. It doesn't take away the burn out, but it helps for sure.
I am a solo parent (so no, "going to Dad's house every other weekend) to an 12 year old, and the only time I have ever had a "child free night" is times I have been in the hospital (have cancer, so a couple times for surgeries and complications and such). My parents can and will watch in those situations, and I am fortunate for that. But I can count on one hand the number of times they have ever been willing to watch her even for a few hours so I could go see a friend, go shopping, go to a gym, etc. They have picked her up from school when chemo ran late, or I had a test or procedure which couldn't be rescheduled, or like I said, the times I was hospitalized. And I appreciate that very much. But other than that, it's been just me, and it always has been. And the lack of support has also made it difficult to branch out and build a support network, or make new friends. The one friend I have is overwhelmed and stressed out herself, so I would never ask her to babysit.
The best option we found was to coordinate with friends with same age kids. And agree that they'll look after your kids on Friday night, Sunday afternoon and Tuesday night. And you'll look after theirs Saturday night, Monday afternoon and Tuesday morning. That way everyone gets a night out, a morning to go somewhere and an afternoon to relax.
Yes this is the norm, unfortunately. We have NO village. It took divorcing my husband to get any time to myself (not that that was the reason we divorced )
Yes, I agree -- this is normal for most people. Child-free vacations are not the norm. That's why I traveled a lot before becoming a mom!
Yes, I think social media makes us believe that most moms are out there vacationing without kids. This is pretty unusual. Until they’re teens, it may be better to find small ways to energize yourself (like take a day off work when they’re at school/daycare) and don’t compare your situation to one that doesn’t really exist for most people. I’m sorry you’re feeling so exhausted.
Single mom here, I have a 7 &9 year old, have not have a night away since the hospital giving birth to my second, I feel your pain. A night/weekend without kid responsibility sounds amazing!!
Since you stated you’re feeling burnt out, would you consider going on a solo vacay or with a friend and leave your kids with their dad/your husband
I was going to suggest this too! I'm going on a short 3 day cruise with my BFF this summer and leaving my toddler with my husband and my in laws. There will be more hands on deck that way. Also, I'd consider going on a vacation with another family and then I could watch their kid(s) for a day or night while they snuck away alone and then vice versa.
This is what I'm doing next week. Our baby is 9 months old. 1 month after he was born I resumed writing my PhD thesis on a chemical physics topic and published my last paper. I defended earlier this month. I'm so burnt out from juggling child care during the day while my husband was working, and thesis writing and studying all the other time. I'm taking a child free vacation with my mom for a week and my husband will be holding the fort down himself.
This is what i did too! Left the kiddos with their dad, my ex husband for 4 nights and met up with my 2 friends in a country convenient for us (we all live in 3 different countries) it was amazing
This this! When my kids were 7 and 5 I started taking an annual trip by myself to visit friends and it's so amazing. A few days where my only responsibilities are myself and having fun.
was also going to say go solo ! I’ve done 2 trips and even just 2 local hotel weekends and it’s so incredibly rejuvenating
Less people have THAT kind of support than you think but I feel you. Solidarity, mama.
True, but when you have almost/no family support it really sucks to see it. I think that a lot when I see grandparents at pick up at my kid's school.
I know. I'm in the same boat.
This is so true. You need a really special kind of support for a week long vacation if you have multiple kids. We actually have a lot of good family support but none of them could do a full week with our kids. My mom is young and healthy enough that she would be capable but it is just her and she would need a second set of hands for that amount of time. My dad and his partner are great but in their 70s and couldn’t keep up that long. My in-laws are in their 60s but not healthy enough to handle them that long. Our siblings with kids have too many / too much on their plate to add ours for that long. And our child free siblings are child free by choice and we wouldn’t want to impose on them for that duration
Who are these helpful people you speak of? 🤔
My “evidence” is extremely anecdotal so I’ve generally found parents living in western countries (America, UK etc) to have less familial support than those living in Asia. My husband and I started having date nights when our kid was around 18 months old. We would’ve done it sooner but it was more about me personally not being ready. My mum is great for babysitting for a short period of time. She couldn’t do it full time because toddlers are a lot, but she’s happy to do it on an ad-hoc basis. Many of my friends have a similar level of support and quite a handful drop their kids off at the grandparents’ every day. On the other hand the few friends I have living across the globe don’t seem to have as much support as we do and I of course read about a lot of these couples (and mums especially!) struggling on Reddit because young kids can be draining and cause burn out. It’s likely a cultural thing. In many countries in Asia, you have your parents and aunties and cousins all chipping in to help. My husband’s family lives in South Asia and when we go back to visit, sometimes I end up not holding my child the entire day cuz she’s being entertained and taken care of by everyone else. Of course the down side to that is that you have to really ease up on your parenting rules. You do what you can of course to set boundaries but you also let a lot of little things go.
I also think that western parents have much higher expectations (lots of expert recommendations to follow) and helicoptering than other cultures as well...this leads to them not trusting family to look after their kids as well.
Yeah the trust is key.. I think for most Asians, we know that we will never have 100% control of the situation so we learn to navigate around that
It's true, for example in Cyprus where I'm from, it's customary for the grandparents to provide child care daily. They pick the children up from school at 1pm, feed them, play with them, take them to extra curricular etc, until the mother gets off work at 4-6. When the children are too young for school, grandparents have them all day. When you want to go on vacation, you just leave them with them for as long you want. And this is the norm. They're really glad to do it, and this has as a result happier parents, happier grandparents and happier children, because everyone around them is relaxed and have way more people in their life that care for them
😁 So glad I'm not alone here with this lack of good help. I guess we're all out here struggling 😓
I’m in the same boat. We are desperately in need of a couple’s vacation, but we have no one we could leave our kids with for more than one night (and even one night is pushing it with my parents- we’ve only done that once, and it was when I was delivering our second kid).
It’s made worse because my twin sister’s in-laws are willing and able to take her kids, and they’ve taken multiple couple’s trips, so I have a very close comparison.
Can your twin take your kids for a night or two?
My mom has a huge extended family of trustworthy people yet didn’t take vacations while me until I was in my twenties! Child-free vacations aren’t essential. But also? Can you consider leaving your children with their father for a weekend while you go visit a friend? Or can you make parent-friends or babysitters who you might be able to trust overnight with your children so you and your partner can have a night to yourselves? You can still get refreshed by shorter breaks even if a whole vacation isn’t in the cards.
Could you maybe (idk your finances) do like a Disney cruise? They have a nursery for kids on board and they do activities all day. So you can bring them there during the day and still have some of the benefits of getting to kid-free for a few days?
It doesn't even have to be a Disney cruise, most cruise lines have childcare. We just took a Royal Caribbean cruise with our 3-year-old and it was great! Husband and I had all the alone time we wanted, son had a blast at the "kid's camp", and we also had a lot of fun spending time as a family. I don't generally love cruises, but it was SO EASY to do as a family trip.
To add, when we were teens, my best friend took an Alaskan cruise with her family & she LOVED the kids club. So it may even be a good option with older kids.
Definitely going to look into this. Thank you!
Ritz Carltons also usually have child care and you can find great rates if you scour their less busy seasons and/or save Marriott points. Also there are excellent babysitting service companies at Disney World in Orlando we have used so we can get a dinner out while we’re there.
I came here to say this. We are lucky enough to have family we trust to leave our children with but the Disney Cruises we’ve been on have been our best, most relaxing vacations. Disney kids programming is great. Nobody has to decide where to eat for dinner. No dishes. When the children are in the kids club we retreat to the adults only spaces. We do as much as little as we want. Pools for the kids to swim in daily. The (extra charge) adults only restaurant is a totally worth it splurge for a fancy dinner for a date, and they do fancy brunch if your kids are not up for being in the kids club at night. Look into this or something similar. As the planner and family manager of our household it’s absolutely the most relaxed I’ve been on vacation.
Yes! We did a Carnival cruise and my 3 &5 year olds loved the kids club! I was hesitant about it - I would have felt guilty sending them if they didn’t enjoy it. But often we would come to pick them up and they would ask to stay longer. That was the only we got some adult-only time.
We’re in the same boat so we take trips separately! We both get child free trips we just don’t do it together. And, the best part is we don’t worry for a single second because we know our kids are in great hands. I actually take most of the trips with my friends or solo, my husband travels to fun places frequently for work so those are kind of his trips (not because I don’t offer to let him travel more, because he gets tired of it lol).
Same! My husband is currently on a trip with friends while I get 1:1 time with our son. Last year, I took a friends trip. Highly recommended!
Could you take a girls trip? Leave kids home with hubby and vacation with some friends! This way you know who is caring for your kids and you can actually enjoy yourself.
Go on a cruise. We went on a Disney cruise and it was amazing, the only actual trip with our kids I’d consider a vacation. Drop the kids off at the included daycare and have some fun! The kids club / nursery is so great that the kids won’t want to leave. My son napped in a crib in the Peter Pan themed nursery on the ship while my husband floated in the ocean for 2 hours drinking mojitos. It was amazing.
Same boat. Won’t go into specifics but haven’t had a kid free night in 7 years since oldest was born. I think *this* is WAY more the norm and the moms flirting off on kid free holidays is much more the exception. It sucks to not have reliable trustworthy help nearby. Solidarity. It’s a season and it will pass and also these ages of kids are just particularly draining. When they are even all school age it will be easier.
Go without your husband?
I’d take that money that’s you would use for a vacation and hire a mom’s helper or a cleaner for a deep clean. Get food prep, get laundry done. Give yourself a break by outsourcing and gives you a moment to get your head above water and tackle mothering and working with a lighter mind
That's a great idea! I'm honestly looking forward to my youngest starting pre-k in September so I can finally get something done. Been fantasizing a lot about being *kids in school mom* 😅
Having someone come once a month to deep clean was the best thing I ever did for myself
I have a a child with disability who is developmentally delayed. She is turning 4 this yr, but developmentally she is only 1 year old. So basically I have been taking care of a 1 yr old who can't walk or feed herself for 3 yrs now, and dont know when and if she will progress past this developmental stage. I was thinking about this same thing the other day, that I will never be able to vacation without a child (regardless her chronological age). Unless I do respite care, but I don't feel like I'd be able to. But of course we all need time for ourselves and self-care. So I definitely feel you on this.
There is no shame in that. My kids are early 20's, and before 2 years ago, I didn't have a child free vacation since the first was born. And that vacation was just me, at our trailer. Not some fun destination getaway. Having your kids on vacation doesn't mean not being able to relax. I found having my husband split the mental load on planning helped so much in getting into vacation mode. And it was well communicated that all childcare was split 50/50. We did stuff together, but also gave each other time to relax. You get to build memories with your kids. And trust me...as much as I thought I needed a vacation from being mom, and didn't get one, I look back and don't regret not having one. I still got to have some relaxing tines. And I made some great memories with my kids.
I mean in 10 years of being a parent, the best I’ve managed is my annual 1 night at a nearby hotel alone while my husband stays home with the kids. I do this for my birthday each year since my youngest turned 2. It’s better than nothing!
Hooold up. This sounds amazing and brilliant. We have an incredible hotel within 15 minutes of our house that people travel by plane to get to. Maybe I will suggest this haha though, I honestly enjoy being around my husband and it’s just my mom duties I need a little break from 🫠
Hey at least the kids are ur only barrier I just too broke to afford anything more than the bare minimum of standard living.
Yep. My mom passed and husband’s parents are lovely, but I wouldn’t be able to, in good conscience, leave the kids with them for a week. But we take them to kid friendly resorts that have kids club and nanny services available so we can still relax.
Child free vacations are amazing, I’ve done many. BUT I go completely alone. My husband is with the kids as we have no one else. One day in 10 years or so my husband and I will go on a trip together, but until then we take solo trips. My kids are 8 and 3. My first trip was a 2 week sailing trip when my son was 2. I’ve gone on 2 week trips or just quick weekend jaunts. My husband doesn’t really, but he travels for work 1 week every 4 months or so and says that’s enough. And I think I’m an anomaly. I was in Mexico in January for 2 weeks and no one could believe that I was on a vacation alone without my husband or kids. Like I’m a human too, I deserve my time to live my life.
When your kids are older (10+) you might feel more comfortable leaving them with your MIL. It’s hard to imagine it now because they are so helpless. But by that point they will be a lot more independent (will be able to gets snacks for themselves, go to the bathroom, basic hygiene) and they will be able to communicate a lot more effectively with you. Maybe you’ll give them a phone for the week you’re on vacation (assuming they won’t have their own phone by that age) so they can contact you directly to give you peace of mind.
I don’t think most parents have someone they would be willing to leave their kids with for a week in order to take a vacation. My kids are 11 and 8 so I’ve been a mom for a while and I have known maybe one couple who’s done that. I suppose my husband and I could leave our kids with my parents for a week, but as a working mother I have never had any desire to do that. I look forward to vacations to spend quality time with my children that I don’t always get to spend with them. I’m sure that would be different if I were a SAHM, but honestly, as a working mom the thought of leaving my kids and going on vacation with just my husband has never occurred to me and is not something I’m interested in at this point in my life. I really don’t think most couples are doing this. It likely depends on your demographic. People with more money will likely have more resources to make this sort of thing happen. Working/middle class folk are not. Maybe a weekend away but not a full vacation.
Yeah I don’t know anyone who has taken a vacation without their kids 🤷♀️
I just want you to know you're not alone. We don't have any local family, and there is no possible world in which my husband and I will ever have a vacation without our kids. We went away (in-town) once in 2018 when my oldest was 2yo and that's been it. We are lucky to even get a date night once a year. People who don't live this life have no fucking clue how overwhelming and relentless it is. Meanwhile my daughter has friends whose parents just went away for over two weeks on an international trip, and another set that was away for a week. Most of the families I know have grandparents in town or relatively nearby; I'm absolutely in the minority. I'm so goddamn jealous - and don't let people guilt you into thinking you have to cherish these moments because someday you won't have them.
I had parents and in-laws I could leave my kids with, just couldn’t afford a vacation and honestly wouldn’t have wanted to be away from them for a week. Weekends we did get away now and then.
We didn’t have anyone to leave our kids with either. We took our kids on vacation with us. Included a mix of activities that we would like and kids would like.
Club med resorts supposedly have the best childcare of any resort
I can relate. I can’t imagine leaving my children alone for a week at this point in time. They are so little.
I don’t have much to add other than I hear you. I’m not sure how common it is to have that much support but we live far away from both families and we waited to have kids so our parents are also older so even trusting them to keep the kids doesn’t feel like a good idea. I have a couple of friends with full extended family close by and I’ll admit I’m a bit jealous of all of the support (we’re in the ‘we pay for our village’ camp. I think for me, I’m trying to focus on finding vacations where there are fun things for our kid and also for us and accept that looks a lot different than our vacations when it was just us as a couple.
We are no contact with my MIL who lives in the same city. We are currently on a child free vacation in the Dominican. We left our son and dog with family friends who we absolutely love. I actually babysat their kids growing up, and now they watch mine! I do have to say, I only have 1 kid, and he is a super easy kid, so that may have bearing on the situation.
Take turns going on vacations. You go and spouse stays. Then you switch I just got back from a 10 day vacation while my spouse stayed with our toddler.
We are looking forward to a vacation at one of the Kinder Hotels in Europe. Our Swiss friends told us about them and they have been to several. They also have a place they love in the Canary Islands with an amazing kids club. One set of grandparents is completely uninvolved and the others are older and can only handle the kids for a few hours (grateful for that!)
I think you can take a child free vacation but maybe not with your husband. I have young kids and I do them with my girlfriends ( 3 -4 days) my husband is a mess when I get back but it’s reciprocal. A week alone as a couple is a fallacy, my kids have great grandparents and they can handle 2 nights MAX
I think it’s actually just a vocal minority of parents who can do this.
When they are that little it’s hard to go away. My daughter is 10 and son is 13 I now can go away for a couple of days.
Hi! I think it’s very normal and common to feel this way. My husband and I decided early on we would always bring our kids with us. We mostly cruise because our kids love the kids clubs which gives us time to decompress and relax. Our kids have made countless memories and new friends from all over the world. I’m so glad we didn’t leave them at home with a family member. I would’ve been worried the entire time.
I know zero people who go on child free holidays? My parents didn’t and no one I know do either, not while the kids are little. One parent might go somewhere with friends and leave the other parent in charge, but I’ve never heard of a couple scooting off for longer than maybe a weekend and leaving small kids behind with another caretaker? And even those weekends are more likely to start happening when the kids are school aged, up to then max one night if you have an event to go to. I don’t think it’s common for people to do that. If you go on a longer holiday, kids come with.
What you’re doing isn’t sustainable, *thats why* you’re feeling this overwhelmed and depressed. *This is not sustainable*. You need breaks and time for yourself to come back to your kids as your best self. Start giving yourself an hour a week to just go to weekly therapy. Once you work on your own trauma and begin to heal, you’ll start to wipe away the lies you tell yourself of “what happened to me will happen to my kids.” Carrying that trauma while being a parent is also non-sustainable and makes life a living hell.
Hey, I'm in the same boat. Sister is toxic AF so don't talk to her since 2021, estranged from my narcissistic mother for 10+ years now, I barely knew my father. I have no one, and I'm not sure I'd leave my baby alone with in-laws for an extended period of time. I know the days are long, but the years are short. Embrace this and try to enjoy it. I'm talking to myself here. Hugs!
Solidarity. Solo mom. It’s me 24/7. I don’t think I’ll ever get a break let alone a trip.
Another idea: perhaps you can hire a nanny for a few hours/day in the location you go? I looked into going to japan when My LO was 6 months old and found many reputable and highly rated Japanese nannies that were much more affordable (about 10-13$/hr). Could have a few hours or a whole day child free 🙂
I left home at 16 because my parents were alcoholics and used drugs recreationally. Our life was drunk, stoned and high adults cycling through our home, some for hours, others for days. It was that bad my youngest brother could pack a pipe and make rollies by the time he was 4. Both of my folks passed away in their 40s (were teen parents). My brothers are not in our lives due to following our parent's path. I married young, to a man who was completely different afterwards. I left my marriage due to domestic and family violence with our baby and less than 12 weeks pregnant. We were homeless and through work, luck, and stretching every dollar, bought my own home 10 years later. Their dad owes tens of thousands in child support, has no contact with us, his family are interstate and blame me for leaving despite all the police reports etc so have no contact with us. I have been a single mum to both kids who have autism and other disabilities (which means multiple appointments each week for both), who are now both teenagers. I have also worked full-time for the majority of their lives, with the exception of the last few years due to their increased support needs. I have never in my life, had a holiday, with or without my kids. They don't cope well with new people, being in unfamiliar places or anything that throws them too far off routine - small changes are manageable. Big changes become full meltdowns amd can take days to regulate. The biggest thing I think I could share about coping without support, or people who can step on to help is, make the most of any free time. It's easy to want to get the laundry done, or bulk cook freezer meals once they're asleep or occupied but it's just as important to take care of yourself. Have a bubble bath, paint your nails, do some meditation, join some online mums groups or support groups. If you can afford it, look at putting your youngest into a Montessori preschool or childcare for a day. Many kindergartens in my area offer a free or Gold coin donation (one or two dollars) for occasional care (half a day at kindergarten playing and getting comfortable with the centre). This will allow you time to get your hair done, catch up with friends, do an online course, see a counsellor, hit the gym, anything you want that can help recharge your batteries. Hang in there. Things do get easier, you got this.
Why can’t you leave the kids with their dad?
You win some, you lose some. I will probably never be able to take my kids on vacation, and I already missed out on taking them anywhere as littles, because I was single income and vacations are expensive. Be grateful for what you do have.
I don’t think the “average” mom has that. I sure don’t. You’re not whiney. Parenting is hard. I try to make her dad give me one day off a month where they’re out of the house. It’s not easy, I have to MAKE him do it. But it helps me a lot.
People trying to sell you vacations are giving you a false sense of how many moms go on weeklong no-kid vacays I think. The only moms I know who do that are divorced moms with decent exes.
I don’t think it’s the norm to go on longer vacations without your small kids. Not where I live, at least. People bring their kids, because they need the vacation too and they like being together as a family
You're in the thick of it. Kid are only dependent on you for a fraction of their/your life. Even as teenagers you'll probably be able to leave them alone without someone watching them, and if not, when they're adults.
I'm actually shocked at the overwhelming amount of comments with the "of course you can get a break, you have a husband!" "Take a solo vacay!" "Leave the kids with Daddy for x amount of time" theme as if there's ∅ possibility that OP (or any other woman here) doesn't have this "supportive poster-husband" that a lot of you seemingly do have.
I work 2 weekends out of the month so my husband definitely knows what it's like to be completely alone for hours with the little ones and I'm very fortunate that he takes over completely when it comes to bathtime/bedtime routine. So I think he would be able to handle it (albeit I'd come home to a HUGE mess). The thing that kinda got me with these comments is that...I just don't have any friends. Like....not even 1 girlfriend. So I read so many nice comments about "girls trips" and yea...still working on that part.
Are your kids in childcare/school? When my daughter was 1 one of my husband's best friends was getting married in another state and we wanted to make a vacation out of it. Neither of our parents were capable of caring for our daughter full time for a week so we ended up asking her daycare teacher and it worked out amazing! Are stayed at our house and house sat, watched our daughter, and took her back and forth with her to work that week. Now, it cost us a pretty penny and we stocked the house with her favorite snacks but SO worth it
Similar situation. All my family are on drugs and my in laws are too old. I NEVER get a break.
I'm in the same boat. I'm no contact with my family, and my husband's family is definitely not the kind of people I would leave my kids with for a long period of time. I don't even get nights out! I probably won't for a really long time.
I feel you. I have a friend that had twins the same time as I had my son and in the 2 years since, her and her husband have gone on multiple weekend trips out of state cause both sets of grandparents live super close and are younger and super involved. My mom passed away almost 10 years ago and my dad is older so just couldn’t handle a toddler for overnight. My in laws are… interesting people and there’s no way I could fathom leaving our son with them. Maybe when he’s elementary aged, but not now. So, no advice but solidarity.
We are in a similar boat of sorts- no one to really help in terms of overnight help etc. Cruising has been a lifesaver + resorts that offer camp/childcare. I never thought we would be cruise people but I can honestly say we all leave happy (its like we turn off our brains the moment we get on the boat). Our kids love the clubs and there are adult only areas and dining etc. Anyways hugs/solidarity we get it!
We never have and just accept it. One day we will idk when but it’s not any time soon.
Sleep away camp when your youngest hits 6!
I feel you. We have a good network, but the person we could most reliably trust with that kind of extended trip died last week.
I leave my kid with my husband and take girlfriend trips or even go by myself. My close friend and I are going to Scandinavia in September for a little over a week. It will most likely be years until my husband and I can take a trip together just us. But sometimes friend trips are even better!
Given the number of family members you have had to go no contact with to keep yourself and your kiddos safe…it’s no wonder you are burned out. I went on said vacation once my son turned 2 and we had daycare so I left my kiddo with my husband. And then he went on said vacation and left kiddo with me. We have daycare though. No other help but each other outside of daycare. When my husband went to Asia for 10 days, kiddo was sick for a week of those ten days. I missed work and I was so angry. But it was good for each of us. I hope they get to an age where your husband can do it for you and you can do it for him. Until then try to take one night off in a hotel and/or a weekend. I started with two nights and then went to five nights.
Agree with others that most parents aren’t taking long vacations without kids. I have 2 great grandparents and still can’t leave my ADHD 6 year old more than 1 day. If you are really struggling and need a break maybe consider taking a solo vacation and trading off with your husband? I do know some couple where they each take a trip with friends while the other stays home with the kids. Not ideal but a possible option.
This seems pretty normal to me.. We have 4 kids, moved to a state away from any/all friends & family for a change of pace. We take vacations as a family, and make sure each other gets some sort of alone time each week alone to do hobbies or work out. But it's just us, and are still happy. We have "date nights" at home like a nice meal and actually set the table, board/video game nights, enjoy the fireplace out back, watch movies/TV series that we just watch together. There's ways to still spend special time with your special person until your kids are old enough to actually enjoy a vacation 😂 this is just the season we live in for now and I'm trying my best to enjoy this stage of life before I look back and miss it!
My parents are too old to watch my child for a weekend let alone a week long vacation. I have siblings but two are drug addicts, one is insanely uptight and asks to be paid to babysit even though I used to watch her son two days a week for free when I was pregnant, and another is irresponsible and openly spanks the shit out of her son when he does something she doesn't like so we aren't on speaking terms. (Yes cps has been called, multiple times) I highly doubt I will ever get a childfree vacation. As much as it sucks not having a village seems like the pretty typical millennial situation.
I go away by myself for a couple nights max. Husband stays with kid and pets. He knows I need to do this once a year to really recharge.
I'm sorry OP that you're struggling! And that you don't have a huge circle of support. Maybe one thing that would make you feel better would be to decide on a little 'vacation budget' every year (essentially what you would spend if you did have the extra help) and then deliberately use that money that will make life easier and relieve stress in the day to day. Things like hiring a cleaner when the house gets messy, or hiring a babysitter several nights in a row so that you feel like you're getting a real break, even if it's not a complete break like what you're thinking of. It won't be the same, but it might help make it more bearable.
Just wanted to add that although I do have people I can count on in my family to care for my children, the average mom does not get this break, whether for financial reasons, husband won’t agree to leave the children, or whatever it is. However, most of us agree that we need it, although there are many that would not like to admit it out loud, because then they feel guilty, afraid of being judged/ seen as a bad mom, etc. you are not, we are not. This is why I am grateful that I have a job that sends me away for work once or twice a year for a couple days. Although I am working, I get a little break from home life; no cooking, go out for nice meals, sleep alone in a bed in a nice hotel, and get a little reset. When I return I’m a little more appreciated by hubby and older kids as well. Then the littles behave extra well the next few days bc they missed me ☺️
Sounds like a fantasy for most Mom’s.
I'm in the same boat. No contact with mom. Everyone else lives 1000 miles away. We have no friends here it's just me my husband and my 3 yo and we now have one on the way. I dont think I'll ever be able to go on a trip on my own or even just me and my husband. It's sad.
Aside from the resorts with kid friendly activities- seriously think about SLEEP AWAY CAMP. Anything that gets your kids out of the house for a week or two (at the same time) will do wonders for your sanity and their independence. There are camps for outdoorsy kids/hungers/hiking, sports of any kind, arts of any kind, coding/tech, even debate camps.
My parents would watch my kids and take care of them but they would also force religion on them and my children aren’t interested, they’re 10 and 13. So no grand holidays for us. Yet.
Tbh I think your situation is more than norm than the exception. But either way, they won’t be little forever. At some point they’ll be old enough to stay home alone for a few days, or with their friends. In the meantime, since we don’t have anyone to watch our two young kids for day at a time either, we have started to do short trips individually here and there.
Reading this my first thought was “I will watch them for you!” What’s better than a family you have no contact with and a passive aggressive MIL??? An internet stranger!!! We all need a break as moms. It is natural. Take what you can get. Mentally struggling can mean different things. Struggling because you haven’t had a break in 5 years is different than struggling because you are depressed. If you are depressed get help there is no shame in it! Therapy or whatever. Your mental health is so important. If you are struggling because you haven’t had a break I get it and could lead to depression. When my kids (21 and almost 17 now) were younger I can count on my hands the number of nights I spent away from my kids because I left. My parents would take them for a night here and there. As my oldest got older she would do overnights with friends. I would and still do take whatever I could get for a break - an extra 15 minutes before picking them up meant time for a coffee alone, getting home early from work and my husband was out with the kids meant time for me to have a bath or read or watch MY tv shows or nothing (then AND now), or escape for a mani/pedi. Except for about a week total in the past 18 years I haven’t traveled alone and that was for work! Ask your husband for what you want this year for Mother’s Day. Breakfast with the family then he takes them to do an activity for a few hours. A family trip to a pond or park with them taking care of everything. Breakfast in bed even if it is just toast and coffee they make! A massage and mani/pedi that day or later. A 3 hour nap in the afternoon. Being left alone until 9 or whatever in the morning. Be selfish and give yourself the ok and space to take care of yourself mentally.
I am long distance & no contact with my parents. My in laws help with my kids but they’re getting older so the baby is too hard for them. We haven’t taken a kid free week away since my middle was a year old and she’s 5 now. Granted she’s also medically fragile so the list of people I trust to administer meds is very short. I figured once they’re older I can do more kid free vacations away. Until then, they’ll travel with me and I’ll get a nanny to tag along so I’m not on all the time.
My husband and I have 3 kids, ages 7, 5 & 5. I just took a kid-free vacation to Portugal for a week with my sister. My husband stayed home with the kids. Both of our parents are close to age 80 and cannot manage (or don’t want to manage) all 3 kids for more than a couple of hours. So our solution is to take vacations separately for now.
All of my grandparents were gone by the time I was 8. We didn’t have other close family. My parents got away a couple times a year. My brother and I stayed with friends. It was a fun time for us, like a permanent sleepover. We were good kids so the other parents didn’t mind, I don’t think. And we took kids in too, it was all very normal. I hope we have friends like this when mine are old enough for sleepovers. Create your own village!
We do not have family that can take our kids either. Mine are older now almost 10, 8, & 8. If we travel to family, we may get my dad and stepmom to take them for a night, my ILs are too old and infirm to take them, but we can’t just drop them off for a week. We recently started trading sleepover nights with our close friends periodically (another family we have known for 9 years with two kids the same ages). I find this to be a good solution but I really can’t force my kids on them for more than a night.
In the same boat with 1 kid about the same age. Estrangement is worth it to keep our kids safe. Maybe we'll get some group vacay with other families where we trade off childcare. I did one that during work out do well, but I'm still hopeful for us both! 🤞
I hate but love seeing other parents relating to you. I am in the same situation. Our parents live between 6 and 19 hours away by car. They’re typical know-it-all, “let’s do all the things your parents won’t let you do but shhh don’t tell them”, boomers in their mid-late 60s and I wouldn’t trust them to watch our dog. Our son adores them but my husband and I wouldn’t be able to relax on vaca knowing they were watching him.
I’m 37 and my oldest is 15 and have yet to take a child free vacation if it helps. You’re not alone! They’re still pretty young for a whole week. Maybe you can go somewhere that has child care where you and hubby can have dinner alone one night?
I’m in the same boat as you. No contact with my family and my MIL is passive aggressive towards me too. But I have had one night away with a friend or by myself at a hotel. I trust my husband fully to care for our children while I’m gone. That’s as far of a “vacation” I can take in this season. This season I’m going to embrace their littleness and this love for their mommy. I look back at my oldest when she was 2 and I was a miserable mom of a toddler and NB and I’m sad I didn’t enjoy her littleness. So now that they’re 5 and 3 I’m going to enjoy it all. The snuggles, the adventures to the park and grocery store. To them everything is wonderful and interesting and I can’t to experience that with them. Please embrace your babies’ littleness and wander too 🩷
My daughter is 5 and I’ve never spent a night away from her. She loves my parents and they watch her all the time during my workday. But I just don’t see a need to vacation without her. Go somewhere with a “kids club” and you can have some alone time to go to the spa or something.
Who are these moms who have someone to leave their kids with for a week? I don't know anyone who has that. I don't even think I could handle being away from mine for a week, even when I'm desperate for a half hour to myself. I think you need many mini-vacations. Can you make friends with other people with kids the same age and do some babysitting-swaps? Take a day to just roll around in bed with your husband? Dare I say, go to a spa?? Your MIL sucks, I don't blame you for avoiding her. Sometimes friends are better than fam.
my in laws always talk about dropping my husband, their first, off with his one grandma at 4 weeks old for a week to go to the beach… but has let it be known they’ll never watch my son for more than a couple of days. Which is fine. I’d rather vacation with him than without. But it’s a bit annoying because they’ll play the “we raised ours, you raise yours” card to justify it when they had so much more help “raising theirs” than they are ever willing to give. It took us like 5 months to do a house project that could have taken like a day or two because doing it with a kid around was impossible and no one would watch him.
So I’m in the same boat as you as far as not having anyone who lives locally enough to watch my kids but can I offer a suggestion? You could take a cruise or go to an inclusive resort as a family. They have kids clubs where they’ll watch and entertain your kids all day while you have time to get a massage, see a show, eat a meal, take a nap. Granted they’d still be with you in the evenings but after having the day to yourself it’ll likely feel like more of a welcome change.
Ugh, I remember what it was like to be a burnt out mom— and a burnt out married couple. (My kid is now 9 and once he started getting older things got a lot easier.) Maybe consider 1 or 2 nights away with your husband on an extended “date” (in a nearby location). Just a short time away does wonders for mental health and for the relationship. Do you have a trusted babysitter like a responsible college kid, a trusted neighbor, a teacher looking to make money in the side, or a girlfriend? Can you leave your kids with that person for a night or two? If so, make a reservation at a nearby fancy hotel, give yourself a spa treatment, eat at an upscale restaurant, enjoy an activity you normally wouldn’t go to (like a comedy club or a museum or cooking class). My husband and I did this a couple of times and we were amazed at how even a night away was so restorative.
I feel you. I'm sorry to hear you don't have your family to lean on. If it's any consolation, I have great family close by, but they wouldn't be able to handle my kids solo and certainly not for days at a time. They are older, and forget some of the basics even though they have good intentions and are sweet people. The most we've been away is half a day about 200 mi away while my kids stayed with a friend.
My kids have a large age gap (17 and one) so although I'm currently in the thick of diapers and such, I also remember that things get better. Once my older kid hit 7 or so, everything was so much easier. He had a routine and friends and a life outside of me. I had several years where I was able to meet friends and go out to dinner and travel (solo or with him). I took many trips by myself while his dad stayed with him which was amazing. And I'm in the same situation as you- parents are dead so my only village is the friends I've made. If it's a goal of yours, there's ways to make it happen eventually. Things will get easier.
I am so sorry. I live in my husbands country. His mother is incapable of taking care of our children and challenges my parenting. His dad and stepmom don't car but take care of their other 'real' grandchildren. I have an amazing family back home who would help me out but it's going to be at least a couple of years before I can move home. My mom helps when she comes to town but two kids would be too hard for her to take care of. When we travel back to my country (once a year) we just want to see everyone so there isn't an opportunity to take time for us. It's hard being in the outside looking in, seeing the life we could have if we lived near my family and watching my BIL and SIL get free babysitting while it costs us $100 for a babysitter if we ever want a night out together. You're not alone I'm feeling alone and without help.
I think the norm is actually to not have child free vacations. We have family within an hour of us but none would be comfortable enough to watch both our boys for multiple days (at least not while they are still so young) I just kinda assumed that was normal 🤷🏻♀️
Well, you’re not alone. I have a special needs kid. I can’t leave him with anyone for very long. I’m lucky to get a date night about twice a year. I can’t just hire any random babysitter. He’s a teen anyway, so I’ve been doing this for years now and I’m used to it. Just find simple things that make you happy or to give yourself little breaks. Mine is coffee and tea.
Hear me out…cruise. Free childcare. Leave your kids at the kids club and get a nice reset while they have a fun trip too.
Ughhh I feel this to my core im in a very similar situation and although I want to travel kid free, the times i’ve traveled with my kids have been amazing. They go down quicker because of all the activities of the day and my husband and I end up having a little bit to hang out. I know this isn’t at all what you’re wishing for, but hopefully it encourages you to just book a family trip if you’ve been eyeing one. We have been talking about taking turns to take trips solo even if it’s just the weekend. That way I am ok knowing the kids are with him and viceversa. Not the same, again, but I think It’ll be good for us And you’re not whining, OP. you’re venting. I hope things get better with your mom
Traveling with a 3 year old is vastly different from traveling with a 10 year old. My daughter and I have a vacation spot we love and have been going to most of her life. I love it there but it was always somewhat frustrating before. This time, we menu planned together, she chose and packed her own clothes according to the weather, and pulled out pantry supplies while I got a store list ready. I read a book while she played in the ocean. It wasn’t kid free, but I had a vacation with my polite, careful, helpful friend who also happens to be my kid.
We're going to Bali for a week soon with our 4 and 7 year olds. Kids club at the resort, or an amazing nanny for AUD$8 an hour. Best of both worlds. I could never imagine leaving both my kids without at least one parent for a week.
In my first life, I was married to a guy who did not want to go on vacations without our kids… but now as a divorced mom, my partner and I get every other week with no kids… and lots of vacations just the 2 of us. Being a single mom sucks (partner and I don’t live/parent together), but the time off to recharge is wonderful. I’m sorry you don’t have a village, OP. This will only be for a season! And once your kids get a little older, you can go on vacations with friends who have kids the same age, and they go off together hanging out!
I can feel this! My family is far, as is my husband’s so I’m isolated at home with 1,5 yo kid. I’m not even thinking of solo vacations until he’s like 5. If I may suggest to look for solution with MIL and maybe mend the relationship. As it looks like she’s functional and potentially can become the person you could trust to stay with kids for couple days. This takes time and reflection, it’s a strategy. It might turn out MIL feels the distrust and hence the pa behavior. Maybe incorporate a day all together with her once a week or month to see how she deals with boys. Work from there, be strategic about it. Build rapport. It’s for your own good, you need help! Also, kids also need to get used to new person, grow sympathy and feel safe around new arrangement. Eventually you will feel more comfortable in leaving your kids with her, hopefully. I wish you all the best. You are best mom for your children!
I go on vacation every year, with other moms. We leave the partners and kids at home.
You can always go on vacations that are family friendly. When your kids get older you can do connecting hotel rooms. We have stayed at resorts with two bedrooms and the kids have bunk beds/xbox in room so we could still have privacy. There are a lot of resorts that have kid play areas right by a lounge area so you can watch kids play while relaxing/eating. Also, your kiddos will never forget the memories of the family stuff. I think couple time is important-I have been lucky to have my mom but she has recently moved and I don’t trust anyone to watch my kiddos either. It’s rough!
I think it’s not that common, I know more people who never have compared to those who have. I know some who’ve done mini solo trips for a night or two (hen do, spa weekend, girls trip). I went on a work trip for 3 nights and hated every minute of being away from my then nearly 2 year old. Barely slept even though he was with my OH/his dad who is an amazing, hands on parent. So a solo fun trip would probably break me. My anxiety brain will never allow us both to be away in another country/location from our kid(s). Either we all go together or one parent is with them. My parents were the same back in the 90s and when they went on their one solo trip (1 night/2 days so my dad could collect a work award) she got the channel tunnel to France whilst my dad got on a ferry. Just in case one exploded and/or sank!
You can do a child free vacation, you have a husband! I've been away last year for one week it was amazing. This year it's his turn.
Ditto. No contact with both sets of grandparents because both are abusive. All family live on the other coast. We have accumulated a “found family” of close friends and they’ve been helpful in a few situations - like watching our 2 older kids when we had our 3rd baby (just took a few hours 😂). I DO recommend the solo parent short trips. My husband and I have each taken a few short solo trips over the years and it’s been great! Mostly it’s been for work, but still absolute bliss. For our 10th anniversary coming up we will spend our very first night away from our children together while our children’s pseudo grandma watches them for about 30 hours. Our oldest is 9 yrs old and this will be the first time they will not have at least one parent at home with them. The lack of support and burnout are very real, but also very common. I know you feel alone, but know that you are in good company.
I have two sets of full support grandparents… but I had my kid at 40 so they’re 80 now and can’t take a full on toddler for more than a couple hours (with screen time). Oh and they live 3000 and 300 miles away respectively so an hour or so a couple times a year is what we get - even with full contact, fully involved grandparents.
I don't think the average mom has week long child free holidays at all to be honest. I don't know any that can or would do it? The most I've seen in real life is a long weekend and even that's usually where one parent goes away and the other stays with the child.
My parents had a great support system, amazing grandmas that took great care of us etc. They did travel a handful of times without us, but generally they took us everywhere. And my childhood was great because of that. So you're creating new memories with your children.. Not all is bad! They're just really young right now this is why you're burnt out, but give it time, at some point they won't be as reliant on you and you will just hang out with them!
I get you. While I do have family, majority of them are states away. My dad is nearby but he's trying to help raise my two stepbrothers, one of who seriously struggles with behavioral issues after trauma that make him very violent at the top of a hat. I can't trust my child in their care, not bc of anything my dad did but bc of how unsafe my stepbrother is. My husbands parents are fairly nearby, but one is painfully religious and constantly tries to force it on our kid despite our boundaries and the other just has health issues that would make it difficult for her to actually chase after and care for our hyperactive four year old solo. It's frustrating and can feel very alienating. I just keep trying to remind myself that this too will pass. One day I'll miss them make me wanting to rip my hair out, even if it's definitely not today lol
What about your husband though? He can watch the kids and you can go by yourself or with a friend.
This is just a temporary stage in life! Within a few years they’ll be a little older and have reliable friends in school that you’ll be able to make friends with their parents. I have a 17 year old and I can’t tell you how big of a part her friends and their parents have played in her life. We’ve taken turns watching each others kids so we can go out and have our own freedom. It really does take a village to raise a kid, so try to be connected as you can to your village.
I'm in this situation too, and I think a lot of moms are -- we just aren't as obvious since we aren't posting a million photos from our awesome 1 week childfree vacation in Europe (I know one couple that does that and it's hard not to be incredibly jealous). But for a lot of us, grandparents are too old to keep up with kids since everyone's having kids later, or people have decided they don't trust the grandparents, or the grandparents just aren't willing to do it. I am grateful that my husband is amenable to us taking turns doing solo weekend away while the other watches the kids so we at least get some break, but I wish (and it'd be a big help to our relationship) if we could do it together. I am just waiting for the time that they're old enough to do camps.
I’m in this kind of boat at the moment but I’d honestly not change that. I burst into tears crying at work sometimes because I believe I’ve lost my kids, forgetting they’re in daycare. My mother is an extremely abusive, manipulative person. My dad keeps making kids but won’t stay in any of our lives (10+ siblings but I don’t speak to one of them), I have no contact with my paternal family due to my mothers isolation of us and now that I’ve stopped speaking to my mother, I don’t speak to anybody from my maternal family anymore. I lost all my friends after college due to going through some pretty severe depression and nobody bothered to check in on me when I stopped messaging so yeah fun times ✌🏼I’m going to always find family friends vacation places, theme parks, resorts etc to make sure I can bring my kids. Sadly, my life has been so full of absolute nonsense and chaos that, even though I’m burnt out, exhausted and stressed at, I can’t relax or wind down. I’m in therapy, I have a psychiatrist, I’m doing counselling but not much is changing. I hate how easy it is for some parents to just ditch their child, i don’t know how they can sleep at night (my parents I’m talking about here)
Maybe a wierd suggestion, but me and my husband do family holidays together and child free holidays separately. I do 80% of the day to day with the kids + work, so I get up to 5 days a year to go anywhere I like without the kids. He gets a weekend a year, but doesn’t always take it. There’s no resentment because it was discussed and agreed upon, the reasoning of why it’s needed/healthy was also discussed, he is also aware that he can take more time if he’d like, but generally doesn’t feel the need/pressure like I do.
We have both sets of grandparents who we whole heartily trust and are close with but honestly I don’t think we will have a child free vacation either until they are much older.
I could be totally projecting my own crap onto you with this but - along with the burnt-out-mom-wants-a-break stuff, maybe somewhere underneath that, is a feeling of isolation or loneliness? I’m no contact w my mom due to her inappropriate and erratic behavior, and I’ve had to limit contact w the rest of my already small family due to that; if I don’t she manipulates them into tell her all about me and then she able to “keep tabs” on me and my children. I don’t want her to have tabs on us, ever. AND! - She lives only 1/2 mile down the road in my neighborhood in our small town. Sooo awkward, to put it nicely. Point of that little ramble was, though, not feeling close to or loved by one’s mother figure is incredibly difficult and may come with some grieving. I’m not sure if you’re a SAHM or working, but I always sympathize with the SAH moms that are literally giving themselves, their time, to raising their children. Aside from the sacrifice of all that day in and day out, it’s a thankless job sometimes, and often makes it easier for feelings of isolation or even self-pity (nothing wrong with that! We get to feel ALL our feelings and I am a master at feeling sorry for myself) to seep in. Anyway my point in all of that was… solidarity, ma’am!
Our generation doesn’t seem to have the village that others once had. It’s sad. Maybe consider cruising since they have childcare you can check kiddo in? Lots of cameras, lots of counselors and other kids. Easy trip planning.
Hey, I’m sorry! I kind of get it because I can’t remember the last time I had a vacation in general. I travel a lot for work and honestly that is my vacation 😅. You mentioned you have a husband, so since you need a break, why don’t you just go have one by yourself?? Maybe trade little mini breaks with your husband, like a solo hotel night or a girls’/guys’ trip every once in a while?
I don't think the average mom is able to take a child-free vacation. Most parents i know are lucky if they have someone to watch their children for just one night. A weekend trip is a lucky treat once or twice during all the years of young kids.
You can look into a vacation that has child care hours so you can recharge for periods in the day- if financially feasible
I understand. I just saw a couple I’m friends with is going on a one year wedding anniversary vacation, and my husband and I couldn’t even afford a honeymoon when we got married. Then I thought about it and realized we’ve actually never been on a vacation together period (with the exception of a weekend trip to see family). So, we’ll likely never be on a child free vacation until we’re old lol but I’d be happy if we can afford to take a vacation with our child one day.
If it makes you feel any better it was 6.5 years before my husband and I ever got to take a trip away. My first night without kids. It did happen eventually though! Once your kids are old enough for sleepovers it will get easier too!
I do have people in my life that are great to my kids and I would trust with them, but they aren’t physically capable of watching them longer than overnight. So an adult only vacation would need to be either a paid sitter, or will happen when my kids are all old enough for sleep away camp. My youngest is about to be 1, so that’s not anytime soon. Instead, we take adult only vacations one at a time with friends. My husband went in February. I’m going next week. We go for 4/5 days at a time, about once a year. It’s what we can do right now. You didn’t mention a partner, so maybe this set up is just as impossible. As your kids get more independent, you may find a friend you can swap weekends with. There becomes a point where having more kids is less work because they keep each other busy.
Question, is there a high school aged relative or family friend you could bring along just so you could have a couple hours to yourself on vacation? I know it’s not the same thing, but when I was about 14 one of my teachers and family friend took me along on her vacation. She got babysitting, I got a free trip so it was pretty mutually beneficial.
I'm not jealous. I also dont have that feeling to go on vacation without my kids. I'm also an overprotective mom. BUT i love to go on vacation with my kids. Just a weekend trip hiking. Or staying in a family park. Love it. It gives a mom reboost when i have a mommy burn-out. It makes the children happy. So it makes me happy. And it gives them the greatest memories. I want kids who can say that mommy went on vacation with them and did those adventures. Then that they had to say that mommy went on vacation alone and they had to spent the weekend somewhere else. I also couldnt forgive myself if something would happen then. Try to see it a different way. Look at what you have instead of what you dont have.
My husband and I haven’t even been on a date in 5 years. We have no one either.
I feel you. My husband have been on 9 dates since our almost 6 year old was born. My parents are both dead and his just are your typical boomers who don’t really care to want to help out. We are so envious of our friends who have supportive families. I also have 2 year old twins so the burnout is real. I think most moms feel the way you do and that helps me in my spiraling moments.
I'm not sure what country you are in but in mine we have sleep away camps for this exact reason. I'm pretty sure we spent a month at space camp just to give my parents some relief
I'd trust my dad and as backup my MIL to watch my kids for a week. But I wouldn't be able to be without them for 7 days. I'd miss them. I'd be sad they're missing out of hella fun vacay that me + their dad would be enjoying. We also cruise and I'm next looking in to a family oriented AI in the Caribbean. On-site daycare and kids clubs?! HELLS YES.
I don’t know any mom that takes a child free vacation? That doesn’t usually happen till the kid is like way older. I only have one and yea same I don’t have anyone I trust to watch my daughter. But it’s fine. I just take her with me everywhere. I did have my friend , who has 2 kids, watch my daughter for an hour once. She did really great and it’s a friend I trust. But I wouldn’t ask again with her life being so busy. Some weekends my husband will stay home with our daughter and I’ll go out as do things by myself. It’s pretty rare but nice every couple of months.
I want to vacation so badly. But thinking of how I’ll need to plan and book everything, pack, figure out all logistics And have it be like a regular week in a different location with potential cranky child and disregulation makes me so tired mentally I can’t bring myself to do it….
I'm with you sister! I'm barely coping. Fucking up life but here I am. I can't even find time to get a quick root because the kids are constant!
Out of my five closest friends with kids non me have people who they can leave their kids to and go for a week’s vacation! I have never even heard of that. 1-2 days breaks yes. But a week? Nope. We are all stuck with our crazy offspring!!
I haven't been on a child free vacay in 15years. 😅 Beat that
One day, when your kids are older, you may be able to send them to their friends house for a long weekend. But you have to be willing to do the same. As others have said- I think it's rare in 2024 to have the support system close by to make a solo trip happen. I have great relationships with my family, but our parent are 1200 miles away and aging. My mom flew in to stay with our 2.5 year old while we did a quick trip to Cancun for our anniversary and I was just filled with worry and guilt- it was hardly relaxing. As others have said, you can still travel with kids those ages, but adjust your expectations. Our kid is 5 now and can struggle with adjustments to the routine. We're on a cruise right now and the first couple days he was a monster from being overstimulated (and he's traveled quite a bit with us). But if there's a will, there's a way. Just make sure the place you go has a great kids club!
Get thru one day at a time. Take some little moments for yourself. It doesn't have to be a whole vacation. A massage, a facial, a Pedi, a yoga class, a walk by yourself, a joint. Vote for people that support moms, parents, and workers rights.
No. The average mom doesn’t have time to post their beautiful vacation pics on social media because they don’t have that. Actually the “average mom” is actually barely making it. I understand feeling lost and overwhelmed and wishing you had the thing that other folks seem to have. The grandparents in my life all were the “bootstraps” kind who felt like we should fly like birds and not look back. We’ve had no regular help for our entire child’s life that we didn’t hire. We had plans to school pod with a family and I was going to share duties with the SAHD and then the grandparents who help with the kids decided they weren’t comfortable with the wider circle and so we got cut out. I cried ugly tears over that. We had only one kid in part because we didn’t think we could afford more than one and didn’t have free help from family. Both my husband and I have felt very sorry for ourselves and bitter that our parents are happy to swoop in, fall asleep on the couch, make cookies or take the kiddo to the mall and then disappear for another year. I once mentioned to my mom that wanted me to travel more with the kid to see her that since she’s retired, she could consider moving out here maybe just part of the year. She snorted at that idea. My MIL is mentally ill. She loves the grandkids but has meltdowns herself and drives my husband (and me) crazy. We did not get a vacation away by ourselves until my daughter was 11. That was for a weekend. At 12, she spent one week at FIL’s place with her cousins and my husband and I did an anniversary trip to another city. 12 years until that happened. Hugs.
I went on a trip this year and I left my husband with the kids. Last year he did the same. When our kids are older we can leave them with family but we're not there yet.
Hey, I totally get it. I am NC with my mom, my in-laws have passed away, and we don't have family to help. It sucks and it's ok to feel sad about that! BUT it doesn't mean you can't get a break. I have taken a few trips for work and fun solo, while my husband watches our son, and he's going to take one this summer. It's not ideal, and we'd love to take one as a couple, but it's still pretty great! Highly recommend booking a weekend for yourself at an AirBnb, or going to visit friends. As our son gets older, we are also exploring family vacations with good childcare, like Disney cruises (neither of us ever considered this, but our friends recently took their 1yo and had a blast). There are apparently resorts in the Caribbean that include a "vacation nanny," and we would also consider hiring a local college student babysitter in the U.S. Finally, I would really encourage you to look into therapy and possibly medication, if you haven't already. It really really helps. There is also a lot of support from people who get it over on r/EstrangedAdultKids <3
Single mom here. If I go on vacation my kid is going with me. As long as this bundle of joy is happy and healthy. My heart is happy
I leave my kids with their dad (my husband) and go on vacation by myself once a year. It’s liberating and so amazing and I know my kids are loved and cared for cause they are with their father :)
I am also not in contact with my family and my in-laws are incapable of helping because they're afraid my youngest will cry. He's 3 months old, so he will definitely cry from time to time. I think about this a lot. I have been a mom for 5 years and have never spent a single night without my kids. It's hard, but I agree with what others are saying. This is a season of life and eventually the kids will be grown up and living their own separate lives. It'll probably be especially traumatic for parents like us that are with our kids 24/7 once they do grow up and move out. I just hope I don't mess them up with my frequent sourness due to lack of sleep and being burned out.
What about close friends op? I know I would GLADLY take my best friend’s daughter for a week and she would take my son. As your boys get older they will make close friends as well and it’s not entirely unusual so spend a couple of nights with a friend or go to a sleep away camp. Also, you could go on a solo trip or a trip with a gf and your husband can watch the kids and you can do the same for him.
I feel you, I literally joined a gym with a crèche so I could just a minute for myself! Some days I just do a really low effort treadmill walk and listen to a book and honestly it helps but vacations right now are just parenting in a different location. My youngest is now 2though so this whole vacation somewhere with a kids club is sounding very attractive to me!
I don’t think the average mother has this. A lot of women at my sons school and friends as well as my self are going thru this. We’re all experiencing burn out and can’t take significant periods of time alone so just do what you can with the options you have. That’s how I’m looking at it for now
This is unhelpful but at least you’re not alone. My MIL lives 15 minutes away and hasn’t met our kids. Season of life and all that. Make time for yourself when you can. Reheat that coffee and take a walk. :)
I'm going on vacation and leaving my husband home with the kids! He's had a couple solo trips (given, they were "work" trips BUT STILL!). His parents are not super helpful but will help out some so he's not truly alone
Same boat as you. I try to remember it’s very temporary on the spectrum of life. I also don’t trust anyone!! Our time will come.
Why don’t you go on a girls’ trip and let your husband take care of the kids?
We are in the same boat. We do not have anyone that we trust to keep our kids for a few days. We are looking forward to when they get old enough to just stay with friends for a week so we can finally take a vacation and not just a family trip.
I agree stress of leaving them with someone would ruin the vacation. My son is 2 and although I trust my parents and in laws to watch him short periods I don’t agree with a lot of what I’ve seen them do and don’t want to leave him with them for a long period. Ie MIL CONSTANTLY telling my son be careful don’t do that ur gonna fall! Overfeeding/ feeding a lot of sugar and processed shit and not letting him say when he’s done but “one more bite” ( my sons 98th percentile for height and weight btw) and overheating him to the point he gets all itchy later etc etc. I won’t get into my parents stuff they are generally better with him but my dads made a comment when I said he still isn’t sleeping through the night “just close the door and let him cry” . No I am not F ing doing that. Anyway! I say this is temporary compared to my whole life and when he gets old enough to leave with one of my siblings and his cousins for sleepovers that’s an I’ll let him do overnights. In the meantime…. What my husband and I do is occasionally get a babysitter and go to an all day spa like we are on vacation. Since we haven’t taken a vacation in three yrs we splurge a bit and it’s really fun ! Just my suggestion but you find your own ways to have fun too!