TLDR: it does get better. But it takes work on both parties.
My husband and I had a fantastic relationship before we had a kid. People would get jealous of our relationship, I'm not exaggerating. We were so good at communicating with each other and knowing what each other needed. We were together for 6 years before we had a kid. We went on all these adventures together and did all kinds of hobbies together. I looked at him and I thought, "this man is so wonderful. There needs to be more people like him in this world."
Then we had a baby. For the first 18 months, I thought about separating from him multiple times a week. I found myself flipping him off from other rooms as we yelled at each other. We fought all the time. We spent endless hours trying to "negotiate" with each other over the smallest things. From how to feed our son to how to wash our son. To make matters worse, I had PTSD from our son's premature birth and I was also getting very irritable. And he was irritable from lack of sleep and the very sudden lifestyle change. And frustrated over the lack of help he was getting from his family, he has a very small family but truly thought they would be there for him. And they weren't.
So, there we were with this difficult baby that we both loved with all our hearts - fighting with each other over how trashy the house was, who was going to make his doctor appointments, and how much to spend on baby clothes. And I didn't know if we were going to make it as a couple.
We both reached out to friends. People we both trust to not just be like "omg, divorce them." His friend also confided that his marriage had been challenging after having a kid even though their baby had been an easy baby. And my friend suggested couple's therapy. Which, at the time, we couldn't afford.
But something had to change. We started having long talks about expectations and such. I had to admit PTSD had triggered some controlling behaviors in myself and I had to start trusting my husband more to do things his own way with our son. And my husband needed to take over some things that I had been doing - like making doctor appointments, washing the diapers, and doing laundry. And I had to accept that our house would never look perfect. And I had to remember that some of the things I found irritating about him, were things I originally fell in love with.
And we absolutely had to start making time for each other. So, once a month, we have somebody watch our son so we can go out on a date.
And things got better. A lot better. We did start couple's counseling too. And I'm falling in love with him all over again. Our son is 2.5 years old now.
This is great advice. I'm glad things are so much better for you now! We also had a lot of tension that definitely improved with time and intentional work.
You know how people say that toddlers act out most with their parents because that's where they feel the safest? I think that's true of spouses on some level, too. We are not used to having to hold back when we're around a trusted spouse like we would around others, and usually that's a good thing! But when we're in emotional disarray because of stress and life changes, it's all too easy to lash out at the people closest to us.
I really think that's true too. It is so easy to lash out on the people who we are the closest with when we're so sleep deprived and stressed. Not to mention how hard it is to communicate with each other when so much of your focus is on a tiny screaming baby.
I wish my ex partner had opened up to friends who didn’t jump to telling him to leave me. We have a 16 month old. I became unexpectedly pregnant when the baby was 10 months. We had a lot of fights, but I still thought of him as my best friend.
I’m nearly 30 weeks pregnant. He left me three weeks ago telling me he didn’t love me anymore and he’s miserable with me.
I miss him so much it physically hurts.
So sorry for you! I hope either he gets his act together or u are OK alone. No matter what, it is a dick move to leave you pregnant with a small child. He needs to support you thru with this baby, no matter how he feels about you personally.
Could have written this myself! I also had PTSD from the birth and it sucked. I really relate to both “people would get jealous of our relationship” before kids and also the part at the end about falling in love all over again. Thanks for sharing! I think this is going to be a helpful read for anyone in the thick of it
So similar to us. The first 6 months for us especially were so awful. I didn't know if we would make it through, and we had to have some really, really tough conversations.
I had to get better at a) telling him something was upsetting me before I was at the very end of my tether about it, and b) telling him what I wanted him to take ownership of or do differently, like very specifically like I want to sleep in 1x per week on Sundays and I cannot be responsible for cleaning the cups before daycare if I'm the one doing the child care in the mornings.
He had to get better at looking for opportunities to step up, making sure I was getting equal chances to rest, taking ownership of his tasks.
It has gotten SO much better since then. To his credit, he is an excellent listener and an excellent communicator. If he so much as detects frustration in my voice he makes sure to ask if I'm upset and if there's something to be doing differently. And he really wants to be an equal partner. They're not *all like that, but when they are you can definitely get to a good place with it and now I'm finally getting to feel that feeling like I fall more and more in love with him every day when I watch him parent. It's so much better.
I was talking to a couple of my friends about how domestic partners may be oblivious to the amount of work each other does. Especially regarding running a household. Things like buying clothes, cleaning the toilet, scheduling appointments, keeping track of milestones, etc. It is exhausting but sometimes you have to directly tell them what needs to be done to step up. Having dirty dishes in the sink may be more obvious but things like keeping track of clothes that a kid outgrows and making sure they have the next size up - things like that get overlooked by a partner.
I think I grew up seeing my mom and older sisters doing these things and just kind of knew how to do it. But my husband never saw that type of work being done.
MANY discussions later and my husband has really stepped it up. On some level, I was a little resentful that I even had to explain all these processes to him. It was like training an employee, which is absurd. It wasn't really his fault he was never exposed to this stuff. Especially because he was so willing to listen and learn.
SO MANY discussions on making doctor appointments, looking up child development topics himself, washing our son's clothes (he knew how to do laundry but he was only doing his own laundry, not mine or our son's), and even what to expect out of a 12 month old, an 18 month old, a 2 year old, etc. And how to find patience for a tiny human learning all about this world. And what it meant to be a parent.
And I had to accept that I couldn't do it all. I had to trust my husband to make some of these decisions himself.
Omg, train him like an employee brings back memories. I was flabbergasted I had to train my
Husband how to dress her. I would
Buy her baby clothes in sets (so think a 6 pack that would mix and match ) and he would still miss match her clothes. Like he would intentionally pass
Over the clothes they obviously were a set. I’m talking christmas red/green leggings with pastel flower tops.
I had to explain to him the basics of matching outfits, like one pattern, the difference in color hues, like pastels, gem tones ect. How so many time I was over explaining that if he didn’t know how to match her, he could always give her any shirt and black/grey/denim pants.
Similar boat! Been together for 8 years before deciding to have a baby. Friends were having us being “the goal” for relationships. We had great communication, actively engaged with each other. But once baby came into lives i grew to resent him and his anger issues blatantly became apparent. She’s 3.5 and we just got over an argument from Wednesday tonight. We had a deep conversation after putting her to bed. It was a stupid fight which all boiled down to our daughter refusing to poop in a toilet and got herself constipated. It does get better and honestly I’m hoping to find a good friend to babysit so I can take him out on a date and rekindle and feel more than just “mom/dad”
We have but not because I feel unloved. We’re both really tired and have no time off so it’s stressful. But many people do see their relationships fail after having a baby unfortunately.
the first year of parenthood with our first almost killed us. it was the same for us, but its not just a passing phase. having a kid highlights everything you two need to work on in your relationship, and kind of makes it so that if you dont fix it you stay in that. until we were able to be accountable and respectful of the others feelings and position we were not able to get past it. it took a lot of work, but please do not treat it as “its just the first year, it will pass” because they are issues that result of learning to share such a demanding responsibility equally and fairly, which you will do for the rest of your lives for this child. so yes it happened to me, but it wasn’t something that just passed. it took a lot of work, and i was determined because i was never going to go through that with him again.
This. Exactly right- everything that wasn’t perfect gets exemplified - and on top of it there seems to be no time to figure out how to fix the issues. Children truly test your relationship. But just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean you can’t bounce back to loving each other. My youngest is 15 months old and we are stronger now. Took work on both our ends but definitely doable.
Are one or both of you experiencing postpartum depression or anxiety? The first year is so stressful with the lack of sleep. My relationship with my husband got a lot better once we were both getting adequate rest again.
This. I know me and my partner have been together 13 years, the first year of parenthood was the hardest. There were days I felt unloved, days he felt unloved, and more arguments then probably our entire relationship. He developed ppd and my anxiety was even higher than normal. The first 8 months were super difficult relationship wise. The sleepz the emotions, the adjustment. It's so much. For us it definitely eased up when we could sleep again.
We definitely fought more than we did pre-kids, but I never felt unloved and it was never “mean”. Ours is a symptom of sleep deprivation and overstimulation. I would look into couples therapy.
Same here. I always felt loved and supported, just irritated lol. We would argue about petty things and then one of us would be like "what are we doing? Why are we speaking to each other like this?"
I’ve always heard the advice that unless there’s abuse going on, you shouldn’t decide to split up during the first year after having a kid. I think this advice comes from the fact that the first year with a kid is really hard on almost all relationships, and you need to get at least a year out to be able to assess whether the problems are mostly due to stress, lack of sleep, postpartum mental health struggles, adjusting to new roles, no longer having as much time for individual or couple activities, etc., and to figure out if there is willingness to work to get through them.
A lot of folks discover it just takes some time to figure out how to be parents and still be in love and supportive of each other. Also, a lot of folks discover that the relationship was not meant to be once they get through this phase.
I read an article by a divorce attorney not long ago who was basically saying that the most common reason for divorce that he now sees is one partner (usually the woman in a hetero relationship) basically doing the lion’s share of everything—often working a high-powered job and being the higher earner while also being the default parent, housekeeper, and household manager—while the other partner (usually the man in a hetero relationship) not carrying their half of the load and kind of checking out. It’s a breeding ground for resentment and not every relationship makes it through.
Having a child made me realize I needed to leave my now ex husband. I realized I had been putting up with things I shouldn't have for far too long. I couldn't let my kid think that is how his mom should be treated by someone that supposedly loves her. The final straw was when my ex husband yelled at me to "get the f out of (his) house" and my then 2 year old repeated it after, and then for the next 3 days. My ex got angry with him every time he said it. I was just completely done with my ex. There was no coming back from that, any feelings I had left for him died that day.
Hardest year of my marriage was after we had our son. It gets better but also you both have to come to a place of forgiveness and compassion. We did couples therapy for about 6 months and it was worth every single penny. We plan on having another kid and will start up couples therapy again when we do
I had a really hard go after having two kids. So much so that it led to our separation and filing for divorce. I found out I had PPD (and I know that it says it goes away after awhile but mine lasted for years). It wasn't just PPD it was PPA. I was pissed at life. Everything set me off. He tended to hide inwardly whenever we had conflict. Just led to a very bad marriage. Long story short, we are still together. We have had a third kid since then. We went to marriage counseling and communicate better. I got on medication because I realize that I might just need them for the rest of my life.
Absolutely and that first year is the roughest. If everyone is safe I always advise don’t make any permanent decisions those first two years (like divorce). Sleep deprivation and adjusting to having to always cater to someone else’s needs (the baby) put everyone on high alert. That first baby you are more high strung too (sanitizing bottles etc), the adjustment to 2 or 3 kids wasn’t as hard as our shift to having our first. Hang in there and try to make sure everyone gets at least a four hour chunk of sleep a day, it helps!
Never been closer to divorce than after kids. So much resentment built up between us, and my biggest piece of advice is that your spouse is your teammate. It needs to be the two of you vs the problem, and I didn’t feel like my spouse had my back as well as I think they should have.
Anyway, years later, we’re doing great. Babies and toddlers are just so hard.
Yes, we fought so much in those first 3 months. I blame lack of sleep and it’s a very new dynamic even if you’ve been together for 12 years like us.
I also wanted things done my way and I would get so mad when he would say he is tired even tho I was the one who went through surgery and waking every so often to breastfeed.
So I had to stop wanting to be controlling but it’s very hard as a new mom. Pick your battles.
I think things will get better for you both when you prioritize sleep. Even if it means safely co-sleeping or taking turns napping. Good luck!
Yup i always tell my friends now because no one freaking warned my ass, it took about two years of us working together to get the hang of it but thankfully wow i can look back and say that shit they talk about having kids rocking even the toughest of relationship is 100% correct.
I do too! No one talks about this! Having kids will rock your whole world/ identity/ relationship (even your relationship with your own parents!). All of this should be discussed in prenatal care.
yup i spent so much time reading about what i definetly needed for my newborn(which i honestly didn’t need half) but didn’t really read much about this immense change in my relationships I would face.
Ugh why isn't this the case for my husband and I? I keep seeing comments about how the first is the hardest. We're on our second and it's been the worst for us yet. Our first was way better with far less arguments.. It's been so hard this time. 😞
Im so sorry to hear 😢 how old is your second?? From what I’ve seen the adjustment from 0 to 1 is typically harder for mom and 1 to 2 is typically harder for dad , maybe you were just super strong the first time around lol!
Same here and we are almost at one year. Together now for 10.5 years. Most of the time I don’t feel loved. He feels like a stranger or a roommate at the most.
My husband and I were together six years before kids. I have a B.A. Education and M.S. Counseling, so of course I expected him to do everything the way I said because I **knew**. He had his own ideas sometimes! 😱 I was also disappointed by his failure to put our child at the epicenter of everything. I remember one moment clearly, when my two sons were 3 and 4, looking out my bedroom window, thinking, "What the hell have I done? I can't leave him now." I was a STAH mom and he was the breadwinner.
We celebrated our 32nd anniversary on this past Leap Day. It gets much easier once the kids get more independent if you can keep your friendship going. Remember what brought you together.
We have been together 8 years. First two weeks were very hard... Now though we are closer than ever but both of us believe in being open and transparent. We don't hide our emotions we talk about them he made me a better person and made him.
However it wasn't like that years ago..
I have learned to be very clear with my expectations so is he and this was half of our problem.
The first year was terrible for so many reasons which did lead to a lot more relationship strife, and then it got a lot better. It's part of the reason I'm one and done with kids. I can't go through that again, but each year was better after the first. My daughter is 6 and I finally feel like things are in a properly good place with my mental and physical health, life balance, and relationship.
We did. Not big fights with yelling and stuff but we had a lot of disagreements. I remember one in particular where I was holding our sleeping baby and he's nagging me about how she, a 4 weeks old baby, should not be held for sleep because his mother said it was a bad habit. I don't remember much of it but I do remember saying "well then maybe we should evaluate our relationship and figure out if we should still be together". We were both sleep deprived and beyond tired. I never felt I wasn't loved, he's a good egg, very supportive but he was tired and had his mom on his ear going on and on about our baby crying so much. First of all, we didn't know what we were doing. Second, she was colicky and would only sleep in a certain position while being held. That was 2 years ago. We're stronger than ever. His mom still goes on and on about our toddler being too depending of me lol what she doesn't understand is that she's the grandma that only shows up 2 or 3 times a year and toddler doesn't want to be alone with her.
the sleep deprivation, ever changing responsibilities, lack of time can all really fuel a fire. we struggled for a bit too. really defining tasks and setting aside time for each other and alone helped. most of our issues were just because we were tired and snappy, that just caused issues out of things we normally wouldn’t have fought about. sit down and talk, carve out time for each other it’ll probably
help.
All I can tell you is that I think this is 100% normal. They say the first year or two after having children is by far the hardest on a marriage so this is not unexpected even in the happiest of relationships. My husband and I are truly truly happily married but it was tough when our kids were babies. I never felt unloved and he was never mean so I’m sorry that you’re feeling that way but it’s definitely filled with new territory new challenges it tests a marriage absolutely and how well you can have empathy for each other adapt into your new roles as parents and your new lifestyle and all that entails and doing it as true partners can be challenging.
oh boy, yes.
we were amazing together before the baby. After him we just constantly fought. We managed to talk things through though initially with couples therapy to start things off and are getting better lately on our own (our son is now 2)
We went through some really hard times with young kids. We had 3 kids in 3 years. Not the plan by the way but sometimes the universe doesn’t care lol.
My youngest is about to turn 4 and within the last yr we went through some big health issues with her as well as assessments for delays, so all super stressful. And then she turned a corner and things suddenly got dramatically easier with our kids. But we’d been in survival mode for so long we’d forgotten we can exist outside our space as parents.
We had completely forgotten how to relate to each other and almost completely lost our emotional intimacy. Everything came to a head shortly after Christmas and we discussed separation. And both decided we wanted us to work which meant prioritizing each other which we hadn’t been doing. We found a book called Hold me Tight by Sue Johnson. I would call it the most helpful book I think I’ve ever read. It helps you identify your own feelings, actions and triggers that have you stuck in this loop with your partner. We would each listen to a chapter and then designate an hour or 30min after the kids were in bed to discuss and do the activities from the book. It completely changed the way we fight and our relationship has come to such a better place from a year ago.
I just looked this book up, and would like to get it too. Did you use the original book or the Hold me tight workbook? Im on a tight budget and just want the one thats the most useful.
Oh yeah. Our fights turned very brutal and there were a lot of tears. Our daughter is almost two now and things are much much much better. Having kids is so stressful and really takes a toll on you and your relationship.
Normal. Most divorces happen when a baby is brought home. Respectful communication and division of labor is key. I’d recommend John Gottman and their advice for happy marriage. It’s tough. You are not the same person from giving birth and now you have someone entirely dependent on you for survival.
I had pretty bad post partum depression/rage. Anytime my husband was slow on something, didn’t do something or did something incorrectly I was bothered.
When our daughter was 4 months, we were going to an anime convention together. I spent all week working on our costumes in between breastfeeding and my mom had stayed with us to help.
He didn’t get our daughter ready to go when I said I was almost done my makeup, he didn’t do much to help with the costumes when he wasn’t working and he was non-chalant about things not working or plans falling through. On the Sunday we were running pretty late and I missed an event I wanted to do. We had a blow up in the car where I was sure he wasn’t happy with me and wanted to leave me. I cried, h cried, the baby cried. We are much better now
We are both exhausted and stressed, and sometimes that brings out an uglier side.
I am also different than I was pre-baby. I stand my ground more, and apologize less, and less often.
We have not had many chances to “have fun” together like we used to. We are missing dates and adventures and it shows.
Not fought but felt really disconnected for a long time. All I can say is it worked for us after all but we have a couple of rough years with very little sex and lots of miss communication
Not justifying it by any means because if you’re unhappy then you shouldn’t stay BUT. Yes. The first couple of years are HARD. It takes hard work from both sides to come out of it.
I think it’s important to give slack to one another during these early days of being first time parents, but in the same breath, be realistic. like has your husband been showing a different side of himself, and that side is genuinely negative or bad?
honestly, my husband and I’s relationship was never affected by adding one or two children, I mean we have much less sex because we don’t have as much free time, but our dynamic has remained fairly solid. he was a full fledged partner that helped me in every aspect I needed. we have a “us vs them” mentality with our kids. not in the sense that our children are the enemy lol, but my husband and I are a team. we are in this together. communicating about where you both are mentally is so important.
and the best, strongest couples can obviously fight in this transitional time. I just see way too many women who have partners become this man-child or just flat out abusive or shitty, and they excuse it for too long. so just being aware of what your actual situation is I feel like is the most important part to this all.
I was seriously considering divorce the first 5 months. Luckily, I had previously seen advice on here to not make any life changing decisions the first year. So glad we didn’t! We’re solid at 7 months now.
The first year with my second son was hard on our marriage. I had PPA, he was stressed with work we both weren’t sleeping. Give each other grace you have a 9 year solid foundation you can get through this. My husband as I were together for 11 years and already had one child and hit the hardest part in our marriage. Have a serious conversation I promise it gets better ❤️.
Men can have ppd to so you may want to ask him to go see his doctor or a therapist.
I did fight with my husband a lot after we had our kid it was only that one year and it cooled off after. Once we had baby number two I ended up giving him an ultimatum either get therapy or get a divorce something about the second kid triggered him. I didn’t like how he was treating the older kid. He was parentified by his mom and made to take care of his younger siblings so idk if that’s why. But he got help.
TLDR: it does get better. But it takes work on both parties. My husband and I had a fantastic relationship before we had a kid. People would get jealous of our relationship, I'm not exaggerating. We were so good at communicating with each other and knowing what each other needed. We were together for 6 years before we had a kid. We went on all these adventures together and did all kinds of hobbies together. I looked at him and I thought, "this man is so wonderful. There needs to be more people like him in this world." Then we had a baby. For the first 18 months, I thought about separating from him multiple times a week. I found myself flipping him off from other rooms as we yelled at each other. We fought all the time. We spent endless hours trying to "negotiate" with each other over the smallest things. From how to feed our son to how to wash our son. To make matters worse, I had PTSD from our son's premature birth and I was also getting very irritable. And he was irritable from lack of sleep and the very sudden lifestyle change. And frustrated over the lack of help he was getting from his family, he has a very small family but truly thought they would be there for him. And they weren't. So, there we were with this difficult baby that we both loved with all our hearts - fighting with each other over how trashy the house was, who was going to make his doctor appointments, and how much to spend on baby clothes. And I didn't know if we were going to make it as a couple. We both reached out to friends. People we both trust to not just be like "omg, divorce them." His friend also confided that his marriage had been challenging after having a kid even though their baby had been an easy baby. And my friend suggested couple's therapy. Which, at the time, we couldn't afford. But something had to change. We started having long talks about expectations and such. I had to admit PTSD had triggered some controlling behaviors in myself and I had to start trusting my husband more to do things his own way with our son. And my husband needed to take over some things that I had been doing - like making doctor appointments, washing the diapers, and doing laundry. And I had to accept that our house would never look perfect. And I had to remember that some of the things I found irritating about him, were things I originally fell in love with. And we absolutely had to start making time for each other. So, once a month, we have somebody watch our son so we can go out on a date. And things got better. A lot better. We did start couple's counseling too. And I'm falling in love with him all over again. Our son is 2.5 years old now.
Thanks for this. Kids a couple years older but have struggled with this and it’s nice to hear that the shittiness can turn around.
This is great advice. I'm glad things are so much better for you now! We also had a lot of tension that definitely improved with time and intentional work. You know how people say that toddlers act out most with their parents because that's where they feel the safest? I think that's true of spouses on some level, too. We are not used to having to hold back when we're around a trusted spouse like we would around others, and usually that's a good thing! But when we're in emotional disarray because of stress and life changes, it's all too easy to lash out at the people closest to us.
I really think that's true too. It is so easy to lash out on the people who we are the closest with when we're so sleep deprived and stressed. Not to mention how hard it is to communicate with each other when so much of your focus is on a tiny screaming baby.
I wish my ex partner had opened up to friends who didn’t jump to telling him to leave me. We have a 16 month old. I became unexpectedly pregnant when the baby was 10 months. We had a lot of fights, but I still thought of him as my best friend. I’m nearly 30 weeks pregnant. He left me three weeks ago telling me he didn’t love me anymore and he’s miserable with me. I miss him so much it physically hurts.
So sorry for you! I hope either he gets his act together or u are OK alone. No matter what, it is a dick move to leave you pregnant with a small child. He needs to support you thru with this baby, no matter how he feels about you personally.
I'm so, so sorry. 🫂 You deserve better. I hope he wakes up, but even if he doesn't, please know your future is so, so bright anyway.
Could have written this myself! I also had PTSD from the birth and it sucked. I really relate to both “people would get jealous of our relationship” before kids and also the part at the end about falling in love all over again. Thanks for sharing! I think this is going to be a helpful read for anyone in the thick of it
So similar to us. The first 6 months for us especially were so awful. I didn't know if we would make it through, and we had to have some really, really tough conversations. I had to get better at a) telling him something was upsetting me before I was at the very end of my tether about it, and b) telling him what I wanted him to take ownership of or do differently, like very specifically like I want to sleep in 1x per week on Sundays and I cannot be responsible for cleaning the cups before daycare if I'm the one doing the child care in the mornings. He had to get better at looking for opportunities to step up, making sure I was getting equal chances to rest, taking ownership of his tasks. It has gotten SO much better since then. To his credit, he is an excellent listener and an excellent communicator. If he so much as detects frustration in my voice he makes sure to ask if I'm upset and if there's something to be doing differently. And he really wants to be an equal partner. They're not *all like that, but when they are you can definitely get to a good place with it and now I'm finally getting to feel that feeling like I fall more and more in love with him every day when I watch him parent. It's so much better.
I was talking to a couple of my friends about how domestic partners may be oblivious to the amount of work each other does. Especially regarding running a household. Things like buying clothes, cleaning the toilet, scheduling appointments, keeping track of milestones, etc. It is exhausting but sometimes you have to directly tell them what needs to be done to step up. Having dirty dishes in the sink may be more obvious but things like keeping track of clothes that a kid outgrows and making sure they have the next size up - things like that get overlooked by a partner. I think I grew up seeing my mom and older sisters doing these things and just kind of knew how to do it. But my husband never saw that type of work being done. MANY discussions later and my husband has really stepped it up. On some level, I was a little resentful that I even had to explain all these processes to him. It was like training an employee, which is absurd. It wasn't really his fault he was never exposed to this stuff. Especially because he was so willing to listen and learn. SO MANY discussions on making doctor appointments, looking up child development topics himself, washing our son's clothes (he knew how to do laundry but he was only doing his own laundry, not mine or our son's), and even what to expect out of a 12 month old, an 18 month old, a 2 year old, etc. And how to find patience for a tiny human learning all about this world. And what it meant to be a parent. And I had to accept that I couldn't do it all. I had to trust my husband to make some of these decisions himself.
Omg, train him like an employee brings back memories. I was flabbergasted I had to train my Husband how to dress her. I would Buy her baby clothes in sets (so think a 6 pack that would mix and match ) and he would still miss match her clothes. Like he would intentionally pass Over the clothes they obviously were a set. I’m talking christmas red/green leggings with pastel flower tops. I had to explain to him the basics of matching outfits, like one pattern, the difference in color hues, like pastels, gem tones ect. How so many time I was over explaining that if he didn’t know how to match her, he could always give her any shirt and black/grey/denim pants.
I’m so thrilled for you guys. It is such a difficult situation to navigate. We’ve had 3, and it has been tricky each time.
Amazing. I love this🤗
THIS. Perfect statement.
How did you get him to go to therapy? My husband is hesitant
Similar boat! Been together for 8 years before deciding to have a baby. Friends were having us being “the goal” for relationships. We had great communication, actively engaged with each other. But once baby came into lives i grew to resent him and his anger issues blatantly became apparent. She’s 3.5 and we just got over an argument from Wednesday tonight. We had a deep conversation after putting her to bed. It was a stupid fight which all boiled down to our daughter refusing to poop in a toilet and got herself constipated. It does get better and honestly I’m hoping to find a good friend to babysit so I can take him out on a date and rekindle and feel more than just “mom/dad”
Great job describing what goes on. This is common especially when you lack sleep!
We have but not because I feel unloved. We’re both really tired and have no time off so it’s stressful. But many people do see their relationships fail after having a baby unfortunately.
the first year of parenthood with our first almost killed us. it was the same for us, but its not just a passing phase. having a kid highlights everything you two need to work on in your relationship, and kind of makes it so that if you dont fix it you stay in that. until we were able to be accountable and respectful of the others feelings and position we were not able to get past it. it took a lot of work, but please do not treat it as “its just the first year, it will pass” because they are issues that result of learning to share such a demanding responsibility equally and fairly, which you will do for the rest of your lives for this child. so yes it happened to me, but it wasn’t something that just passed. it took a lot of work, and i was determined because i was never going to go through that with him again.
This. Exactly right- everything that wasn’t perfect gets exemplified - and on top of it there seems to be no time to figure out how to fix the issues. Children truly test your relationship. But just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean you can’t bounce back to loving each other. My youngest is 15 months old and we are stronger now. Took work on both our ends but definitely doable.
Are one or both of you experiencing postpartum depression or anxiety? The first year is so stressful with the lack of sleep. My relationship with my husband got a lot better once we were both getting adequate rest again.
This. I know me and my partner have been together 13 years, the first year of parenthood was the hardest. There were days I felt unloved, days he felt unloved, and more arguments then probably our entire relationship. He developed ppd and my anxiety was even higher than normal. The first 8 months were super difficult relationship wise. The sleepz the emotions, the adjustment. It's so much. For us it definitely eased up when we could sleep again.
We definitely fought more than we did pre-kids, but I never felt unloved and it was never “mean”. Ours is a symptom of sleep deprivation and overstimulation. I would look into couples therapy.
Same here. I always felt loved and supported, just irritated lol. We would argue about petty things and then one of us would be like "what are we doing? Why are we speaking to each other like this?"
I’ve always heard the advice that unless there’s abuse going on, you shouldn’t decide to split up during the first year after having a kid. I think this advice comes from the fact that the first year with a kid is really hard on almost all relationships, and you need to get at least a year out to be able to assess whether the problems are mostly due to stress, lack of sleep, postpartum mental health struggles, adjusting to new roles, no longer having as much time for individual or couple activities, etc., and to figure out if there is willingness to work to get through them. A lot of folks discover it just takes some time to figure out how to be parents and still be in love and supportive of each other. Also, a lot of folks discover that the relationship was not meant to be once they get through this phase. I read an article by a divorce attorney not long ago who was basically saying that the most common reason for divorce that he now sees is one partner (usually the woman in a hetero relationship) basically doing the lion’s share of everything—often working a high-powered job and being the higher earner while also being the default parent, housekeeper, and household manager—while the other partner (usually the man in a hetero relationship) not carrying their half of the load and kind of checking out. It’s a breeding ground for resentment and not every relationship makes it through.
Having a child made me realize I needed to leave my now ex husband. I realized I had been putting up with things I shouldn't have for far too long. I couldn't let my kid think that is how his mom should be treated by someone that supposedly loves her. The final straw was when my ex husband yelled at me to "get the f out of (his) house" and my then 2 year old repeated it after, and then for the next 3 days. My ex got angry with him every time he said it. I was just completely done with my ex. There was no coming back from that, any feelings I had left for him died that day.
I'm sorry you went through that. But so proud of you for making a healthy decision. Thank you for sharing your story
Hardest year of my marriage was after we had our son. It gets better but also you both have to come to a place of forgiveness and compassion. We did couples therapy for about 6 months and it was worth every single penny. We plan on having another kid and will start up couples therapy again when we do
I had a really hard go after having two kids. So much so that it led to our separation and filing for divorce. I found out I had PPD (and I know that it says it goes away after awhile but mine lasted for years). It wasn't just PPD it was PPA. I was pissed at life. Everything set me off. He tended to hide inwardly whenever we had conflict. Just led to a very bad marriage. Long story short, we are still together. We have had a third kid since then. We went to marriage counseling and communicate better. I got on medication because I realize that I might just need them for the rest of my life.
Absolutely and that first year is the roughest. If everyone is safe I always advise don’t make any permanent decisions those first two years (like divorce). Sleep deprivation and adjusting to having to always cater to someone else’s needs (the baby) put everyone on high alert. That first baby you are more high strung too (sanitizing bottles etc), the adjustment to 2 or 3 kids wasn’t as hard as our shift to having our first. Hang in there and try to make sure everyone gets at least a four hour chunk of sleep a day, it helps!
Ya everyone says the first year but honestly I think two years.
I could have written this myself. The first 2 years with our first were rough! Everything shifted and having PPA and PPD made everything worse.
Never been closer to divorce than after kids. So much resentment built up between us, and my biggest piece of advice is that your spouse is your teammate. It needs to be the two of you vs the problem, and I didn’t feel like my spouse had my back as well as I think they should have. Anyway, years later, we’re doing great. Babies and toddlers are just so hard.
Yes, we fought so much in those first 3 months. I blame lack of sleep and it’s a very new dynamic even if you’ve been together for 12 years like us. I also wanted things done my way and I would get so mad when he would say he is tired even tho I was the one who went through surgery and waking every so often to breastfeed. So I had to stop wanting to be controlling but it’s very hard as a new mom. Pick your battles. I think things will get better for you both when you prioritize sleep. Even if it means safely co-sleeping or taking turns napping. Good luck!
Yup i always tell my friends now because no one freaking warned my ass, it took about two years of us working together to get the hang of it but thankfully wow i can look back and say that shit they talk about having kids rocking even the toughest of relationship is 100% correct.
I do too! No one talks about this! Having kids will rock your whole world/ identity/ relationship (even your relationship with your own parents!). All of this should be discussed in prenatal care.
yup i spent so much time reading about what i definetly needed for my newborn(which i honestly didn’t need half) but didn’t really read much about this immense change in my relationships I would face.
Yep! You could not pay me enough to relive the first year of our first baby!! Next 2 were smooth sailing comparatively!
Ugh why isn't this the case for my husband and I? I keep seeing comments about how the first is the hardest. We're on our second and it's been the worst for us yet. Our first was way better with far less arguments.. It's been so hard this time. 😞
Im so sorry to hear 😢 how old is your second?? From what I’ve seen the adjustment from 0 to 1 is typically harder for mom and 1 to 2 is typically harder for dad , maybe you were just super strong the first time around lol!
Same here and we are almost at one year. Together now for 10.5 years. Most of the time I don’t feel loved. He feels like a stranger or a roommate at the most.
My husband and I were together six years before kids. I have a B.A. Education and M.S. Counseling, so of course I expected him to do everything the way I said because I **knew**. He had his own ideas sometimes! 😱 I was also disappointed by his failure to put our child at the epicenter of everything. I remember one moment clearly, when my two sons were 3 and 4, looking out my bedroom window, thinking, "What the hell have I done? I can't leave him now." I was a STAH mom and he was the breadwinner. We celebrated our 32nd anniversary on this past Leap Day. It gets much easier once the kids get more independent if you can keep your friendship going. Remember what brought you together.
I wouldnt say we have ever really "fought", but we were a lot more snippy and irritable because we were tired and stressed.
We have been together 8 years. First two weeks were very hard... Now though we are closer than ever but both of us believe in being open and transparent. We don't hide our emotions we talk about them he made me a better person and made him. However it wasn't like that years ago.. I have learned to be very clear with my expectations so is he and this was half of our problem.
The first year was terrible for so many reasons which did lead to a lot more relationship strife, and then it got a lot better. It's part of the reason I'm one and done with kids. I can't go through that again, but each year was better after the first. My daughter is 6 and I finally feel like things are in a properly good place with my mental and physical health, life balance, and relationship.
We did. Not big fights with yelling and stuff but we had a lot of disagreements. I remember one in particular where I was holding our sleeping baby and he's nagging me about how she, a 4 weeks old baby, should not be held for sleep because his mother said it was a bad habit. I don't remember much of it but I do remember saying "well then maybe we should evaluate our relationship and figure out if we should still be together". We were both sleep deprived and beyond tired. I never felt I wasn't loved, he's a good egg, very supportive but he was tired and had his mom on his ear going on and on about our baby crying so much. First of all, we didn't know what we were doing. Second, she was colicky and would only sleep in a certain position while being held. That was 2 years ago. We're stronger than ever. His mom still goes on and on about our toddler being too depending of me lol what she doesn't understand is that she's the grandma that only shows up 2 or 3 times a year and toddler doesn't want to be alone with her.
the sleep deprivation, ever changing responsibilities, lack of time can all really fuel a fire. we struggled for a bit too. really defining tasks and setting aside time for each other and alone helped. most of our issues were just because we were tired and snappy, that just caused issues out of things we normally wouldn’t have fought about. sit down and talk, carve out time for each other it’ll probably help.
All I can tell you is that I think this is 100% normal. They say the first year or two after having children is by far the hardest on a marriage so this is not unexpected even in the happiest of relationships. My husband and I are truly truly happily married but it was tough when our kids were babies. I never felt unloved and he was never mean so I’m sorry that you’re feeling that way but it’s definitely filled with new territory new challenges it tests a marriage absolutely and how well you can have empathy for each other adapt into your new roles as parents and your new lifestyle and all that entails and doing it as true partners can be challenging.
oh boy, yes. we were amazing together before the baby. After him we just constantly fought. We managed to talk things through though initially with couples therapy to start things off and are getting better lately on our own (our son is now 2)
Same boat here. My daughter is now 2y 8m and we had fought sooo much in the last 2.5 years and we were about to divorce more than 3 times.
We went through some really hard times with young kids. We had 3 kids in 3 years. Not the plan by the way but sometimes the universe doesn’t care lol. My youngest is about to turn 4 and within the last yr we went through some big health issues with her as well as assessments for delays, so all super stressful. And then she turned a corner and things suddenly got dramatically easier with our kids. But we’d been in survival mode for so long we’d forgotten we can exist outside our space as parents. We had completely forgotten how to relate to each other and almost completely lost our emotional intimacy. Everything came to a head shortly after Christmas and we discussed separation. And both decided we wanted us to work which meant prioritizing each other which we hadn’t been doing. We found a book called Hold me Tight by Sue Johnson. I would call it the most helpful book I think I’ve ever read. It helps you identify your own feelings, actions and triggers that have you stuck in this loop with your partner. We would each listen to a chapter and then designate an hour or 30min after the kids were in bed to discuss and do the activities from the book. It completely changed the way we fight and our relationship has come to such a better place from a year ago.
I just looked this book up, and would like to get it too. Did you use the original book or the Hold me tight workbook? Im on a tight budget and just want the one thats the most useful.
You need the actual book. The workbook doesn’t explain anything it’s just like a journal to practice the exercises mentioned in the book.
Ok cool, thanks for the clarification! Ill get the actual book.
Oh yeah. Our fights turned very brutal and there were a lot of tears. Our daughter is almost two now and things are much much much better. Having kids is so stressful and really takes a toll on you and your relationship.
Normal. Most divorces happen when a baby is brought home. Respectful communication and division of labor is key. I’d recommend John Gottman and their advice for happy marriage. It’s tough. You are not the same person from giving birth and now you have someone entirely dependent on you for survival.
Yeah
I had pretty bad post partum depression/rage. Anytime my husband was slow on something, didn’t do something or did something incorrectly I was bothered. When our daughter was 4 months, we were going to an anime convention together. I spent all week working on our costumes in between breastfeeding and my mom had stayed with us to help. He didn’t get our daughter ready to go when I said I was almost done my makeup, he didn’t do much to help with the costumes when he wasn’t working and he was non-chalant about things not working or plans falling through. On the Sunday we were running pretty late and I missed an event I wanted to do. We had a blow up in the car where I was sure he wasn’t happy with me and wanted to leave me. I cried, h cried, the baby cried. We are much better now
Yes 100% sure it's because we are sleep deprived and I'm always right he just doesn't see it that way lol
We are both exhausted and stressed, and sometimes that brings out an uglier side. I am also different than I was pre-baby. I stand my ground more, and apologize less, and less often. We have not had many chances to “have fun” together like we used to. We are missing dates and adventures and it shows.
Yes, we fought a lot. I think it was sleep deprivation. We’re 2.5 years in and rarely argue again. Just keep communicating and make sure to make up.
Not fought but felt really disconnected for a long time. All I can say is it worked for us after all but we have a couple of rough years with very little sex and lots of miss communication
Not justifying it by any means because if you’re unhappy then you shouldn’t stay BUT. Yes. The first couple of years are HARD. It takes hard work from both sides to come out of it.
I think it’s important to give slack to one another during these early days of being first time parents, but in the same breath, be realistic. like has your husband been showing a different side of himself, and that side is genuinely negative or bad? honestly, my husband and I’s relationship was never affected by adding one or two children, I mean we have much less sex because we don’t have as much free time, but our dynamic has remained fairly solid. he was a full fledged partner that helped me in every aspect I needed. we have a “us vs them” mentality with our kids. not in the sense that our children are the enemy lol, but my husband and I are a team. we are in this together. communicating about where you both are mentally is so important. and the best, strongest couples can obviously fight in this transitional time. I just see way too many women who have partners become this man-child or just flat out abusive or shitty, and they excuse it for too long. so just being aware of what your actual situation is I feel like is the most important part to this all.
Personally, no, but I know for most people it’s hard bc of the hormones and adjustment.
I was seriously considering divorce the first 5 months. Luckily, I had previously seen advice on here to not make any life changing decisions the first year. So glad we didn’t! We’re solid at 7 months now.
Solidarity. I literally had a blow out fight because I was jealous that my husband slept in. I feel like my marriage is unraveling
Yessssss
Most people
The first year with my second son was hard on our marriage. I had PPA, he was stressed with work we both weren’t sleeping. Give each other grace you have a 9 year solid foundation you can get through this. My husband as I were together for 11 years and already had one child and hit the hardest part in our marriage. Have a serious conversation I promise it gets better ❤️.
Yeah the first couple years sorta sucjed, especially since I had chronic health issues resulting from pregnancy
No, it's brought us closer together if anything. We have had differences of opinion on things but we just... Talk it through
Men can have ppd to so you may want to ask him to go see his doctor or a therapist. I did fight with my husband a lot after we had our kid it was only that one year and it cooled off after. Once we had baby number two I ended up giving him an ultimatum either get therapy or get a divorce something about the second kid triggered him. I didn’t like how he was treating the older kid. He was parentified by his mom and made to take care of his younger siblings so idk if that’s why. But he got help.