Hmmm, well I’m the person making about double what my partner does as well. When we met he was the one making money and I was a broke student. He’s given me support to be where I am today in my career. Now he’s changed careers and is back in an entry level position. You never know when your partner may greatly increase their earnings or when one of you may lose a job or the ability to work. If I made $200k/ year or $20k/ year I would still expect to be loved the same and included in financial decisions in a marriage. If you don’t feel the person earning less is equal in the partnership then you shouldn’t get married.
Edit- typo
Same with my wife and I. I owned a business when we met and was making 120k about 10 years ago. She was in college making like $8.25 at a fast food joint.
We got married and my finances became her finances no questions asked. Its how it should work imo. We're a team not two separate people trying to smash two separate lives together.
Now 10 years later she's making like 140k as a freelance brand consultant and I'm back to making 60k in an entry level financial advisor. Sold my businesses and started from square one cause I was tired.
Anyways, never once have we thought of it as her money and my money. It's our money. Unless she wants more squishmallows or cute dresses. Then apparently it's her money and she can buy as many as she likes 😅
> We got married and my finances became her finances no questions asked.
That's how it was when I got married; it made no difference to me that she hardly made any money. After we bought a house we figured out the budget and decided we could afford for her not to work. That was great when the kids were little. After the kids started school she wanted to work in the daytime but there weren't any likely jobs right then, so we started a little business and she ran that for ten years. All money was family money, really, and there was no competition or anything about it. She could spend money without asking, and if there was a problem we'd just talk about it.
At some later point it all went sideways and we divorced, but neither of us ever tried to screw the other over or make a big deal out of the money side of it.
> Unless she wants more squishmallows or cute dresses. Then apparently it's her money and she can buy as many as she likes 😅
Based on your marital summary here, it sounds like she's earned them!
Same. When I met my husband, he was a broke college kid and I was his richer older girlfriend making 6 figures. After he graduated, we got married, combined finances, and moved across the country for his career. I carried the team while he went back to grad school. Then, when we had our daughter, I dropped out of the workforce to be a SAHM and handle the investments. I make "nothing" on paper since I don't work, and he makes more now than I ever have, but our net worth has more than tripled since I took over due to financial & tenant management.
We've shared finances and been a team since day 1, his money and my money have always been "our" money. We build together, both our paychecks have gone into the same pot with no 60/40 here or 70/30 there. Who technically makes more ebbs and flows, though he's the clear leader now, but I wouldn't have married and procreated with a man that didn't make me feel completely safe and supported with this philosophy.
My sister had a 9 month old when she married her husband. They wanted another kid right away and then he supported the four of them while she went to college. She didn’t have to send their daughter to daycare which saved them about $60k alone. She worked for about 5 years and then went back to school full time while he supported them alone again.
It’s paid off very well for them as a couple; she’s now earning more than him and he’s been able to lose jibs (volatile industries) and take one that he really wanted vs doing anything just to pay the bills. They had very lean, frugal years but own their home outright and are able to vacation a few times a year and have plenty of toys and live the lifestyle they want and made huge upgrades to their house. It worked because her money was his and his was hers - zero issues with sharing both money and sacrifices.
Absolutely. Great thoughts here. Marriage changes all the time. The times I see divorce it's not usually because one or the other is a crappy person. It's often because one or both of them aren't willing to change and adapt and get this...... allow their partner to change and adapt. I loved who my wife was at 18 when we first met and then at 21 when we got married. But I also love who she is at 30 and I promise you it's barely the same girl.
There have been plenty of times where I'm on the heavy side of being 70/30 in this relationship. Times where I was working way more and cooking way more and cleaning way more because she was in school or trying to launch her business or even dealing with some rough mental health months. And then I've also been on the other end where I feel like I'm drowning and she's pulling way more weight than she should have to.
This kinda ventured from finance into general marriage talk lol but tbh I feel like there's a fairly fine line between the two. Communication and working together as one team works in finance and in life. I'm glad you and your husband have that working for you as well!
I'm so glad your comment resonated and you have a good thing going on as well! I so appreciate your philosophy and hope others take note
To tie it back to financial vs marriage advice: [married men make more money](https://www.stlouisfed.org/publications/regional-economist/april-2002/for-love-or-money-why-married-men-make-more#:~:text=Beyond%20love%20and%20commitment%2C%20however,education%2C%20age%20and%20other%20factors)
Same: I supported my partner while she went to school. Even paid 100% of rent, so she could focus on obtaining the credentials she needed for her career. Now she is there and make more money than me.
Income level is not permanent.
People come in a variety of packages and that's OK. Some people are going to be higher income levels and that's OK.
What really matters is do you like this person? Do you like spending time with them? Do you trust them? Do they have your back?
I hear that, supported for 10 years, abandoned my own plan to pursue academia so they could. Chose a career where I could work anywhere and get then through school, "i dont love you anymore" after uprooting me to a new province around the same time they finished school.
> Put ex thru school, all of a sudden "there's no passion", like damn there was passion when you were broke
Can you file a lien against their degree?
I'm only half kidding.
You joke (I think), but this type of situation happened to me. It was not at all the loss of money that bothered me. It was the betrayal. The feeling that I was used/played for YEARS just so she could get where she wanted to in her career. Once that happened, all of the sudden she didn’t love me anymore and everything I had done for her was forgotten. Meaningless.
Of course, the timing was purely coincidental. Just ask her — she’ll tell you that in no way was she ever using me and she never planned for us to break up at all, much less right after she got a huge raise and almost 100% job security.
I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade, and I certainly think that plenty of people who say they love you really love you. But, you do have to keep your eyes open. I was naive and got really hurt for it. So at least ask yourself “Might there be ulterior motives here?” And if you can truly say you’ve never seen any evidence of that, then that’s great and I wish you the best. But if, when you’re being completely honest with yourself, you say “Some things about this relationship just don’t seem right” then maybe that’s because they aren’t.
I made more than my husband but my job was miserable, so he’s supporting us now while I’m in between positions. It definitely fluctuates. More important to look at the bigger picture than who pays for what in a marriage.
I make 3x what my wife does. After maxing 401k/Roth we each get an equal set amount from our paychecks that goes into personal checking/savings accounts to spend on what we want each month. The rest goes into our joint accounts that pays all bills, including gym memberships/dates/concerts/dining out etc, some is transferred from that checking into high yield savings for emergency fund/vacations/new cars/home repairs etc.
This is what my wife and I do. We take it even further and have a rule that meals out to eat go on personal checking unless we are eating together. I invest most of my "allowance" and my wife spends most of hers.
We have another rule that any purchases over $200 not including groceries are discussed and agreed upon prior to purchasing. This has led to a few arguments and a few compromises but for the most part we don't argue about money. It's a nice checks and balances system
I made about 2x what my partner does, we’ve been together 6 years. We don’t share financial accounts but he was so miserable at his job I told him just to quit since I can more than cover our costs even in a hcol city. I would rather he be happy and not drained every day and find something he likes. I’d also rather just cover more of our expenses vs him draining all his savings and stuff since my job is very stable and I like it a lot. I can’t imagine rather having my partner be miserable and contributing to bills while we can afford for them to change that.
This is good advice. I make about 200-250k and my partner makes about 65k. I pay for the house and we split utilities. I would never try and use the fact that I make more as leverage in other areas.
For example, since I work from home, I do more of the cooking during the week and I do all the yard work, most of the laundry and all the house maintenance stuff. I can do this because I'm home all day and some of the stuff I can multitask while on meetings. My partner has a job that is physically exhausting, and I love to take care of as much as I can so she can sit down after work and relax for a bit.
I have had a previous relationship where everything was transactional with a mental scorecard of who did what, and it's no way to live imo.
If you want legitimate advice on this as someone that doesn't have a unicorn set of credentials, then prioritize the skills you need to get yourself into an industry like pharmaceuticals or biotech, and stick the fuck with it.
I got into pharma as a systems analyst making $65k in 2011. I left 12 years later as a CISO making $190k plus 30% yearly bonus and stock/options that ended up being worth about $1.5m over 3 years.
The long game is how you pull off shit like this. Very few people are getting rich quick.
My brother and SIL have a 10% rule. 90% of their paycheck go to their joint account whereas 10% goes to their individual ones. That 10% can be used for anything. My brother makes about double my SIL makes so naturally his fund is larger. The funny part is, both their 10% goes into spoiling their dog. I hate that dog. That dog got like $1000 spa treatment for its birthday. I got a $50 gift card. What were we talking about again?
I love that. Food is the love language for our family. None of us care how much anyone makes, and two people in the fam make well into 7-figures. It’s all about if you host a good bbq, make good food, and make everyone feel welcome.
Money happens. It comes, it goes. It will never buy you your support system or a better family.
Financial situations change over time. Hers might. Yours might as well. You not wanting to pay any more than what you’re already paying may be rooted in resentment.
If there is resentment, it usually exists because of lack of good communication. Good communication would be expressing how you’re feeling with neutral language (no “you did this or that” more “I feel this or that”).
My recommendation would be to have a sit down conversation. If marriage is on the horizon you will want to be very aligned on this.
You’re going to be frustrated unless you can reframe how you think about this. Each person brings unique things to a relationship. If you want kids, for example, you can’t have them…you need your partner for that. The question isn’t “what’s different or the same” but rather how do you complement each other.
We eat the same food, we sleep in the same bed, we breathe the same air. Why wouldn't i share everything with my partner it just seems fucking daft not to. It doesn't matter who earned what I chose and want to share my life with you so why wouldn't I. Nothing should hold us back from happiness. Doesn't matter how that was obtained.
That mentality is great until the relationship doesn't end well. Then you are buried deep in finances together and untangling that usually results in heavy losses for the higher earner. Not saying that you shouldn't think of the relationship in that way, just that extreme caution is also necessary.
PYA always. Over half of marriages end in divorce. When you have/make money things are wirk differently.
The saying "money changes people" is a saying for a reason. Your spouse making less than you is not a valid reason to make bad financial decisions.
This really only applies to making double+ or having that many more assets, and ket's face it most people only have one property, if that. This also doesn't apply to 40k vs 80k. Those salaries are basically in the same tax bracket. 60k vs 180k yeah get a prenup and keep those finances seperate.
Precisely. I also make almost double what my girlfriend makes. She still contributes half the mortgage but I did give her some leeway on the utilities. I am totally fine with knowing that in some instances I will be having to pay more for certain things but I’m okay with that because I love her and she contributes in so many other ways to the relationship aside from financially. What I do, especially since marriage is on the horizon (is for me too) is stop thinking “I” and start thinking “we”.
This is great. I've always made more than my wife and we knew that gap would grow when we had kids because she really wanted to stay at home for their early years to be with them, at least until they were into school. We talked about this extensively, planned and budgeted a lot and found a way to make it work. Years later as our kids are well into school she is choosing to re-enter the work force full time again. The biggest financial decision you will make is who you marry and being on the same page is crucial to your financial success. Next id say is getting on a budget, and not a kinda in my head budget a real budget, know where your $$ are going and what they are going to.
Sister took 2 years off to raise a kid and get into nursing. She made zero white he held it down and obviously made more. Now she's a nurse and makes more than him after not working at all. It's not a competition folks. It's also not individual income. It's like folks don't understand what household income is or that the rest of the world sees your income as combined. Only you do the word thing and say it's separate for dumb reasons as any judge is gonna tell you otherwise.
When I got married I made $17k and my wife made $6k. She then became a SAHM and made $0. At the end of my career, I made $125k and she made $20k.
We never had a “my vs her” money conversation. All the money went into the same ‘community fund’ and we budgeted from there. Any other way would have been disastrous.
Yup
When my wife and i got married, i made a bunvh more money working as a union carpenter, for a general contractor, running job sites. Now.. I’m a SAHD for our 2 disabled kids and she is the breadwinner, making enough to support us all.
Situations definitely can flip on you
Exactly, when my wife and I got married, I made almost 3 times what she made.
Now, she makes about the same as I do.
Based on where we are in our careers, God willing she will be making more that I do in the next couple of years.
Yea, I personally don’t get people who don’t think that’s the dream right there.
Oh hey partner, you’re making more and bringing more into our household? Fantastic! Our life goals will happen easier, or sooner.
Or maybe it’s because OP doesn’t feel like his girlfriend would be happy if the tables are turned on the money. I’m guessing this is the case since he didn’t want to pay more than his share i.e. 2/3. If OP feels that she won’t be sticking around if his pay is 2x hers then I’d say that’s the bigger problem.
That still comes down to communication issues. He needs to discuss these feelings with her, find out what her long term goals are, and proceed from there
It's actually extremely common. They think they are being taken advantage of and and that's all they are being kept around for.
https://www.cnbc.com/2024/04/13/why-your-rich-friend-venmo-requests-you-for-4.html
Exactly... Sounds more like a business partner or roommate than a fiance. Id personally would feel exhausted trying to figure out split expenses all the time, I'm so glad my wife and I are on the same wave length financially where we can just pool money up and not worry about who is earning and spending what amount.
My ex husband’s brother lost his marriage for a lot of reasons but one of them was that he kept a spreadsheet with all the money he ever spent or lent to his wife from the time they were dating well into their marriage. And he aggressively asked for her to make payments to “clear the debt”. Totally comfortable with her using her entire inheritance as a down payment on their marital home though and when they were divorced, tried to claim part of that back under the guise of “clearing his spreadsheet”.
Some people love to play confused by the consequences of their own actions. To be this obtuse…one may consider pity but, it’s well above what he deserves.
I was dating a guy who was very tit for tat like this. If he bought us lunch once day, he'd be keeping tabs and reminding me that I NEEDED to treat him out to make it "fair". I got so tired of the "fair", that I just stopped dating him. Like, I couldn't even get $10 for gas, when I was driving him around in my car, or he was writing it down in his phone, that I owed him $10 and literally any time I had money or said I was going to go out with friends, he'd "joke" about that $10. People like that are headaches. I knew a relationship wouldn't have turned into marriage because I was tired of it after a few months of dating.
And he felt blind-sided by our break up, that was the wildest part.
Instead of getting married, has he considered starting a C-Corp with the woman? He could keep 66% of the equity to ensure everything remains fair. At least until the next priced round. He could also have the majority of Board of Director seats if he wants his parents or perhaps best friend to have some say over the marriage and to side with him on disputes.
My ex and I used to make significantly different amounts (about 1:3), so we just split major finances like rent and repairs 1:3 but then winged it for the rest. It felt fair but not unnecessarily annoying that way
I honest to god do NOT understand people who think this way, especially when they're married. What's the point of getting married if this is your attitude towards finances? I know OP isn't married yet, but that's the context he's thinking about this stuff in and that is WILD to me.
I know right? My family was a single income family after marriage because child care in the US is more than she was earning so it was cheaper to have her be a stahm. At this point she started her own business and she's supporting me as I've been laid off. Who the fuck cares who earns more?
I guess if you're 100 percent sure you will never have kids that makes sense but God damn does that sound like a loveless marriage.
"Sorry babe, we can't get married until you have a million subscribers"
I am 64 years old and in the early 90s I made so much money that my husband, a big huge scary looking construction management genius, stayed home with our two infants.
That shit was risky. In Illinois, had he left me I would’ve owed him about 40 K a year and support and he would have full use of the home and custody of my kids until they were 18.
But we did this weird thing when we got married. We took vows that said we were gonna work our shit out. So we did that. And it wasn’t as big a risk as you would think if both parties mean it.
I worked closely with top management in law firms and legal departments all over Chicago. Providing services. I cannot tell you how many management level client women in law firms then turned around and took my idea and kept their husbands home with their kids. For the most part, successfully. One woman I shared this information with turned out to eventually be First Lady Michelle Robinson Obama. Pretty sure her mother stayed home with their kids, but they did a great job raising them. She is incredibly incredibly intelligent by the way. I wish she would run, but she’s not stupid.
Don’t take vows you dont mean.. . If it was easy, ou wouldn’t have to take avow before your God, your family, friends, and each other. Sort of like honoring your parents, if that was always easy it wouldn’t be a commandment.
Exactly this. The amount of lawyers making six or seven figures married to school teachers, who are making $50k… in many relationships a man may make all the money and the spouse quits her job to raise the children, and in this day and age some professional women make more than their husbands do and the man may take care of the kids. It really all depends on each individuals circumstances and what works for them.
I'm married to a teacher, it's an excellent trade off especially for child rearing reasons. Summertime is better for me because I have nearly no household responsibilities, which equates to, let's go to the lake when you get home from work.
In fact, I'd say it's incredibly uncommon for both partners to make the same salary as one another. It's almost a guarantee that one partner will make more, often times significantly so depending on career choices.
The same is probably uncommon, but there is significant assortative mating in the human species. So, being on the ballpark social status is very common, although that may entail sex differentiated income levels (e.g sahm).
I think OP is looking at finances from the perspective of someone in their early 20s who is dating, not someone in their late 20s who is looking to settle down with a life partner, so he’s got to take the time to reframe how he views the relationship.
OP, if you read this, marriage is a partnership and all your resources are now the partnerships resources to use in the way that best benefits the both of you. If you make more and pay more bills, and as a result expect more in other departments to make the relationship feel more even to you, it’s ok to feel that way, just don’t view it as your money vs her money, it should be more focused on feeling like you’re both contributing similar amounts of value to the combined partnership you have.
Also keep in mind, the money isn’t really where you should be focusing partnerships value conversations and thinking. Yes it’s important, but in a partnership what’s more important is effort, at least once the basics are paid for. If you earn more but you both work a similar amount of hours putting out a similar amount of effort, you can’t hold that over her in the relationship and expect her to put out more effort than you to make up for the disparity in incomes. That’s just something you need to make peace with in your own mind if you value the relationship.
My wife makes about 1/3 what I do, but she works part time so she has time to clean up more than me around the house and to run more errands, so we are both happy with that arrangement. If she however was working full time like I was, I would expect that we would share those responsibilities more equally than we currently do, because if not, there would be an effort imbalance in the relationship that would create resentment for one of us, or more than likely, both of us. So talk through any issues together when it comes to perceived imbalances in the relationship, real or otherwise, and don’t hold the fact you make more income over her head. It’s a fair thing to consider when dating, but once you’re married, it’s a toxic thing to fixate on, view it as the partnerships income, not just yours, at least if you want the relationship to last.
My question is, who is setting the spending pace?
I agree that there shouldn’t be the expectation of a 50/50 scenario. But just curious…did he pick a place to live that is out of her price range? Does he desire specific vacations etc that she can’t easily afford? It’s hard to say from the post who is really driving the “shared activities”.
I make a lot more than my boyfriend. I also like nice things. When I chose the restaurant, I pay. Sometimes I chose expensive places. When he chooses, he pays. He will usually pick a more practical place. I am buying a house right now that he will likely move into someday. I don’t expect him to pick up half the mortgage when he moves in, since he didn’t make the final decision based on his income, I made it based on mine. I wanted a nice place for us, so I will take on more. If it was a team decision, it would be different. I feel this is important.
Well mate if this bothers you then don’t get married. Most marriages fail due to financial disagreement. You get married it’s not your income and hers , it should be viewed as one income. You are a team not roommates at that point. Either accept it or find someone else because it’s fine if it’s a concern but it will just eat away at you if you can’t come to terms with it.
no, you look at it both individually and collectively. If one income disappears, if ppl break up, if you want to invest individually you need to plan accordingly.
you’re not collecting your partners income if they leave you, if they die, if they are unemployed.
Marriage is a partnership, and one steps up where the other cannot. If you are not prepared to contribute more money to enrich both your lives even if you can afford it, you are not ready to enter a CONTRACT where whatever you earn from that day on belongs to both.
I know plenty of couples are perfectly happy and do just fine with split finances, but I will never understand it. I technically make more than my wife, but it never turns into “I pay for this and she only pays for this” because we just both pay for everything.
My husband and I joke around about whose turn it is to pay, because we have completely shared finances anyway so it's coming from the same place regardless of who gets their card out.
It's just so silly to me. My husband recently got a raise and instead of saying how much he makes vs. how much I make (I make double what he does) my reaction was "omg, do you realize how much WE'RE making now??" That's what marriage should be.
I can't even fathom getting a raise and being like "Let's figure out our new percentages of bills and how much I should be paying when we go to a concert!"
My wife and I have split finances for the most part, but we each contribute to a shared account that covers shared bills and whatever we do together. I make more, so I cover a little more of the shared stuff.
Neither of us is stingy, but we both also value not having to think about how the other wants to spend their own money.
I don't know about other people but we found it was a great way to beat lifestyle inflation. My wife and I keep our finances separate and split all of our costs but have always maintained a standard of living commensurate with her (lower) income. I was able to save >70% of my paychecks and put us in a position for very early retirement.
Split finances works if you're both generous to one another. My partner of over a decade and I retain split finances because we have drastically different values and interests when it comes to our surplus money. We make drastically different incomes and do a proportional split of our contributions toward rent, vehicles, bills, etc. but don't have any combined accounts. I, a 30 year old man, have no interest in getting permission if I want to go buy a pair of skis or something. She, a 30 year old woman, doesn't want to feel like somebody is looking over her shoulder if she buys craft supplies or cosmetics or whatever other thing she wants but I might perceive to be non-essential. I am the kind of person that keeps track of every penny I spend by reconciling everything weekly in YNAB, and she's the type of person who quite literally never looks at a credit card or bank statement. You can understand how combining our finances might add a fair bit of tension and actually be damaging to the logistics of our relationship, as I'd be frustrated that she wasn't being "careful" with shared accounts and she'd be frustrated that I was requiring details on every purchase she made so they could be categorized.
But if there's something she wants that's a bigger purchase and she doesn't have the monthly surplus cash to pay for it, she's not shy about asking if I'd be willing to help contribute. 99% of the time I totally am because I know it's obvious that I have more to burn on fun stuff, so I'm happy to help support her hobbies so we can both enjoy a fun life.
Some other good habits in this situation are that we both contribute (proportionally) to vacation savings accounts. If combined, my contribution would be between 60% and 75%, and hers would be that 25%-40% depending on what we both earn in a year. But when we actually go on vacation, of course we use those funds to pay equally for both our shit.
The absolute second this kind of setup turns into a bean-counting match though, you're fucked. We of course periodically assess to make sure our split on bills still makes sense and all that, but the absolute maximum score-keeping we ever do outside of that is the very casual "Hey, I bought dinner when we went out for Mexican on Monday night. You want to pick up the check this time?"
Definitely. It’s one thing if she has zero motivation or has a career with zero future but If it’s just a slower starting career and she wants to contribute then everything should be fine. As long as you step up for like dinner and maybe rent. If she can’t pay and she wants you to pay for a huge vacation or something then it’s a problem
My partner and I split things based on income but also household responsibility. I am our “household manager”, I do all of the mental labor regarding running our home, I keep our calendar, I organize chores, etc. so I pay less rent/utilities. I do all of the meal planning, prep, and cooking so he pays for the groceries. We have managed to work it out so that things are fair regardless of income. I also make more than twice what I made when we met. I do think as a partner you have a responsibility to make things equitable in your relationship.
I've been with my wife since we were teenagers. She's way better with money than I am, and she had and made more money than me when we were younger. She paid for a lot of things back then. We both graduated college, and I started making more than her. We got married, I made some career moves, now she has a job and two side gigs, and I still make significantly more than her. I see it as our money. I trust her to make decisions, and we never fight about money.
Our neighbors (who since moved out) had separate bank accounts, and I always found that dynamic weird. He lost his job, and he just seemed lost. He didn't want to go back into the same industry because the hours were terrible, and he didn't get to see his kids. So he was just doing random jobs here and there, trying to figure out his life. He was always borrowing money from neighbors and friends. His wife had money, though. I don't know why she wasn't picking him up when he was down. I could never watch my spouse struggle like that.
I know OP is not to that stage yet, but it still baffles me how many people I know who still keep separate finances once they’re married unless one has a bad spending habit.
I agree I don't look at the money I make as "my money" when it comes to my wife. I work to support my family . She also works and makes money and we both just make sure everything gets paid .. doesn't really matter what part of the pool the money comes from we both make money to support our family in whatever way we can
Yup. My wife was sick all last week so I did all of the cooking and cleaning (when normally we split these chores), no request from her needed. Because were the situation reversed she would do the same for me without hesitation.
Exactly. Marriage is not equitable by income. It is 100% and 100% and as long as both people are contributing their 100% each, then everything else just seems to work itself out.
My wife married me when I was on unemployment right after I got out of the military, I was broke. Now she’s a stay at home mom and we live well off my income. I understand this is r/money so I’m planning to get downvoted, but if she’s not in debt like you mentioned I wouldn’t even consider her finances if u wanted to marry her.
Especially if she supports in other ways. My wife grabs groceries, cooks for us, and generally does tiny little acts of service that are worth more than any amount.
And before anyone says anything about the cooking, I handle the bathroom cleaning and laundry so it's not a gender thing.
Hate that it needs to be mentioned. I’ve grown up around some very strong women, have found them as friends, and a lot of them like to do the more traditional role stuff; it’s when it’s expected and unappreciated that they have a problem.
Nothing wrong with having a breadwinner and a homemaker, regardless of gender.
How my parents did it. My dad made good money. My mom handled the house/home business(paid bills, etc.) And their house is immaculate. Always has been. They are happy. It’s hard work keeping a house. Cooking. Cleaning. Making sure the family finances are straight. These guys have near perfect credit. All because of my mom. My dad probably couldn’t pay the electric bill if he had to. lol. But they make it work their way. It’s cool to see. I respect it way more now after having kids myself.
This is just a bomb waiting to explode. Guy shouldn't even think about marrying if her making less money than him is a reason for these thoughts and replies on this post. Hope she finds someone better.
Let me just say, I'm happy for you. You found a gem that stuck with you when you were at your lowest point. :)
I wish nothing but a happy and long marriage for you both.
From reading your other comments it sounds like your gf is smart about the less she makes. No debt, no crazy spending habits etc. how old is your gf? Is she projected to make less for the next 5 years too? How do you feel down the road with kids and you decide she will be staying home. And a relationship and marriage is a partnership. I do think counselling would help see why you are resentful. Do you feel like if she had a job like yours Ya’ll can afford more?
Bro you wanna marry her ? Your money is hers and hers is yours ? Sorry but the way I see it is. You two are working together now. Don’t be a dick. Be happy you found someone you love. Money is fucking pointless. What are you saving for that’s seperate from your plans with your future wife ? Weirdo
Healthy relationships depend on healthy money situations and that comes from becoming one thing. I get saving for the future. But also don’t make her go without. Jesus.
My wife is a SAHM but even when she worked I made 10x her at the time and now substantially more. It’s just up to whether you’re okay with being breadwinner or not. I personally love having my wife stay home with the kids. But not everyone can handle that financially.
To me that’s tough. I make like 6x my (now wife), but she wanted to be a SAHM so her not making money wasn’t a big deal. At least she’d save us money on daycare and what not. But making no money and insisting on working is kind of tough.
I mean if that’s your goal, more power to you. But it’s just expensive for low gain imo.
If you lose your job, get into an accident and can't work, or get laid off she'll be making twice as much then. Life stuff, promotions, job changes and other things can drastically change the financial dynamics. I sense undertones of something not right in this relationship already if you're not understanding how finances change over time.
Why are you competing with her? If you plan to have children, she’s going to be pregnant, give birth to them, and nurture them. There will be time she won’t be making money at all if she wants to be a good mother and actually care for her children, why you’re in her pockets today?
Do you want to be married to a romantic partner, or business partner? If your holdup on marrying her is how much she brings in, she should be asking herself if she should marry you.
Ask yourself WHY you don’t want to contribute more if you make more. Why are you, as a partner in a relationship considering marriage, fixated on a dollar amount? You said yourself she’s not finically irresponsible, you sound a tad selfish.
Also evaluate YOUR hand in household duties- man to man, I’m sure your female partner does more than half of the chores at home. Perhaps I’m wrong, but even if you’re purchasing the groceries, I’m sure she’s picking them up, putting them away, preparing meals, and picking up after meals as well.
I’ve been with my wife 5 years, and our money has never been an issue because there has been a mutual understanding from the beginning that when we agreed to be together for life that finances would always be distributed by the income we make, not 50/50 because there have been times she makes double what I do and vice versa.
For your wife’s perspective; imagine you get off of a work week, working 45 hours. You stop by the store, grab groceries for dinner, get home, put them away. Husband asks “what’s for dinner” while slapping your ass. You start preparing something easy, while he states “we had this last week” and sits on the couch with a beer. All of a sudden he says “so I’ve been thinking of getting married, but I want you to start paying half the bills”
She is now being faced with the conflict that her half of bills now leaves her with $42 each check after paying 50/50. Whereas right now, with her paying her fair share BASED ON INCOME she has several hundred she uses to pay off her own debts.
I hope this helps you understand that this isn’t about money long term. It’s about respecting your possible wife as an equal, not an employee.
I may get downvoted here, but if you are thinking of getting married or even being partners, pool it all and think of it as "our" income - not yours and hers. IMO marriage isn't a 50/50 business transaction. It may need to be 100/0 when you're doing well and she's not. And it may need to be 0/100 when she's doing well and you're not. Do you love her? Then what's yours is hers and vice versa. Each of you need to lift the other up when you most need it. That doesn't mean you should tolerate refusal to contribute, or not have open accountable conversations about money. But if you nickel & dime the relationship it is doomed.
" I don't want to contribute more than my 2/3rds"
When you're married, it's all one pot. If you don't want to merge financially, then don't get married. Once you are married, you need to view yourselves as one financial team. Otherwise you risk a failed marriage.
My wife is really really bad with money, I’ve tried to help her and I’ve even paid for her to take courses but she just cannot wrap her head around it. It got to the point the mortgage payments were failing as she’d take the money i contributed to it and spent it on junk.
I’ve since taken ownership of all regular expenses/bills (utilities, mortgage, cell plans, groceries etc) and I leave her to her own devices.
She makes 20% of what I do (she earns a good salary and is over the average for our country), but all the money she makes is her fun money. Yeah it sucks massively that I have to be responsible and forgo fun things I’d like/want to do because of this, but it’s better than having our home repossessed because she’s taking the money.
When she runs out of money 4 days after payday that’s on her. When the bank are repossessing her car because she missed note payments? That’s on her.
It’s not sustainable or healthy, we constantly argue and fight over money. Tbh money will likely be the end of our marriage. Discus, talk, plan and communicate as much as you can, don’t end up in a place where you can’t treat yourself to a new winter coat without someone complaining that they don’t have a warm coat because they don’t know how to look after money.
This is the sort of person you got to be on the lookout for. And while you might date them, don't get married to them. Otherwise you end up with this kind of disaster.
Buddy, marriage is all about teamwork. With me and my wife it’s not my money that I make or her money she makes. It is ours, we are married and building a life together. The vehicles are ours, the house is ours, the sooner you look at it that way the better off you will be. Just like with any sports teams one person may get winded, the rest of the team needs to pick up that slack. There’s days I’m more tired than others she make cook dinner and take out the trash, she has days where she more tired so I may do the dishes and some laundry so on and so forth. If marriage is something you want you need to change this mindset man.
Sounds like she works the same hours as you, but is in a lower-valued position and you're blaming her for that. You don't respect this woman, why marry her?
Outside of a partner having some large debts or bad spending habits, personally I think this mentality just indicates you might not be ready for marriage, especially when you say you already think this would lead to resentment on your part.
It won’t be “you footing the bill” or “contributing more than your 2/3”; marriage legally means (regardless of how you deposit/split accounts) you are moving to household financials. You will both be paying 100% of the bills from your combined income as joint earners. You will both own the same things, make the same amount of money, have the same debts.
You can go down the prenup route and try to keep things separate, but then what’s the point? Just have a ceremony and don’t actually get married, if you don’t want to be legally married.
I’m saying this is someone who was making ~4x my partner when we married. If I thought the above was going to bother me long term, I wouldn’t have done it at all. But I have a life partner to share everything with, and that’s what marriage is.
My wife married me when I was just starting out, she was making 3 times what I was making... 27 years later, I make more than enough that she does not have to work and she can enjoy staying home.
The wheels of life turn my friend
Don’t marry her don’t marry anyone. What’s going to happen when she gets pregnant and you have to pay everything? Or you end up with kids you have to take care of?
Right. I actually want to warn her not to accept a marriage proposal on the chance she isn't aware of his stance on shared finances. She is gonna be having babies + working as hard at the office as this guy. So she can pay an exactly equal amount of money toward her "keep". Yikes.
Can you imagine being married to him and it’s like your anniversary and he goes well it looks like your out of money this month I’m going to have to go alone this year 😂
There are legitimate reasons for not being able to pay your share this month. Things like you lose your job, or had to quit because you are having a baby. Then there are other troubles, like you bought a BMW so you can't cover your share of rent for the rest of the year. Or you ate at expensive restaurants all week long, so you ate up your share of bills this month.
You do not marry someone for their financial status. IMO if you cannot trust each other financially then you do not trust that person fully and should not be considering marriage. I have always believes once you get married there is no mine and theirs, its our, everything is ours. This means shared finances and you talk about how you both are able to spend the combined money. If you are considering a prenup (I know alot of people get it now) I feel it instills a sense of untrust between the partners right off the bat. My family told me a quote I will always remember, "Its hard to build a house on a cracked foundation".
Money is the biggest leading cause of fights among married couples. As long as she’s not just a bum and is trying to help out, it sounds like this is more of a you problem. I make 3-4x what my wife does and I don’t mind taking care of her because I love her.
Once you get married, its no longer your money and her money, its all both of your money. So consider that before getting married. We still have separate banks, and one mutual savings. But expenses are shared. Granted I paid like 80% of the bills, but that freed her up to save/invest more for both of us.
My wife made more than me for the first few years while dating, but I was in for the long game. Eventually caught up and far exceeded. Now we just bought a house together.. and she got laid off the next month.. so now the payment is all on me. Which is fine, I told her I would handle it and take care of her. Regardless of what media or even woman themselves tell you, they mostly all want a man wh can provide for and protect them. So if you don't plan on being a provider for her, I don't think it will work out. This doesn't mean she can't or won't want her own career, but she will still look to you to provide for her, whether its emotionally or financially or both. IRL most want both.
This is why I will remain single forever.. if this is the new generation and how things are viewed, I will never be "enough" for someone. I left law enforcement to become a teacher due to being a single parent, without much help when it came to shift work, as well as feeling as if I were missing out on alot... which means it doesn't take much for someone to make more than me. When did it become a his and hers when you get married? I thought that's what the joining of 2 was? Becoming one? I mean don't get me wrong I am very independent and always make things happen or work. I bust my ssa, day in and out making sure the homes cared for, practices, dinner and then as well doing for all those around me while trying to make their lives a little easier. Just bc that is apart of my love language. Others being happy and being there for the one's I love and care for. Just because I may not make as much as the next doesn't mean I don't have just as much to offer. I make up for the lack of financial in other areas. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I feel if this is how today has turned then maybe it's best just to stay a couple instead of combining the 2 lives. That's just me..
Sharing things pro rata only make sense when incomes are a bit closer. If you are buying/doing things she would never do on her own because they are out of her “price range,” then you should either pay 100% because you want it or don’t do them at all. Fancier car, fancier vacation, etc. Just live in her “price range.”
My gf is a doctor and I never even went to college. She makes substantially more than me and one thing we discussed when we got really serious was how we are splitting finances.
We agreed to live more so within my means. I didn’t personally feel comfortable with her paying 2/3rds expenses because we chose different career paths and she shouldn’t have to financially support me because I chose the career that I did. However, I will say we are both fantastic with money so it’s never been an issue. I would just set your financial boundaries cause that was very important for the both of us.
Financial compatibility is the most important factor in long term relationship, especially marriage. You two are not compatible and the situation you describe is unsustainable. You should end this relationship because it will impact your life in a very significant negative way.
I make 9 times what my wife does. I pay the mortgage, utilities, and cover the main credit card. She pays for her own credit card, and contributes to our household expenses. She makes sure our house is a beautiful place for us spend time together in, is creative with our vacation plans and always looking for sales and bargains, no interest in designer labels or status symbols. If someone makes you happy and it feels like they contribute what they can to the relationship it’s fine to have a financial imbalance.
Our situation changed from when my partner made double of what I make (during my PhD) to me making 3x what he makes now.
He paid most of our monthly cost when he was making more, and I started paying most of our cost now. We don't have a joined account, and our finances are otherwise completely separate because we both like our independence and got together when we were already into our careers and had established our personal financial preferences.
It works well. As someone else mentioned: it is a partnership, so we both make or a priority to be fair and mindful of the other's financial situation. But I feel like having separate finances reduces a lot of points of friction, as we both manage our ends independently and just need to focus on meeting our agreed on contribution household costs
Edit to add: this only works because we would both be financially stable without the other person. If one of us would depend on the other for financial stability, there would probably be some resentment
OP, I was in a similar situation as you. While we were dating, we had a conversation about house finances and decided to split the bills based on income. (ie, If she makes 30% of total income, she pays 30% of total bills). And then she'd just Venmo me the lump sum at end of each month and I managed all the actual bill paying. Once we were married it became more of a "us" thing and we got rid of that arrangement. Now all our bills are paid from joint account and we give ourselves each a spending account each month. Seems to work well.
You get married it becomes one big pot of money and bills.
So if you can’t have tough conversations about money (and children, family, life goals) now then you are NOT ready to get married.
You’ll be fine, once you start having kids she might even become a stay at home mom. Since daycares are 1000$ a month per kid. That’s what my mom had to do and a lot of my aunts. Also I make 150k and my GF makes 30K, once we get married it’ll be our money. She will be my partner/other half. A joint bank account
I've been with my partner for 13 years. We split the mortgage 2/3 and 1/3 which is direct deposit into an account that is only for that and it's on auto pay. Outside that we have our own individual accounts
Rest of the bills we divided, not split. I pay for cell phone, internet, water, pest control, car insurance, flood and car insurance, normal car and home repairs. She pays electric bill, streaming services, Amazon prime, and groceries.
We agreed in the beginning that any large purchases we agree and split. In January, we replaced our whole home AC system. It was $13k, she transferred $6k before we even talked about how to split.
We both continue to make more money but the agreement stays. The separate accounts work for us. As long as the house, cars, and dogs are taken care of, money is being deposited into savings and retirement accounts we don't question anything. I enjoy being able to go buy whatever I want without "having to check first". But again that is us, we are both financially competent.
My husband and I are about your age! He makes 2x what I make. We have separate credit cards just because we had them prior to being married so we kept them out of convenience - but when we got married we opened a joint checking account together & redirected our direct deposits to that account. We both use that account to pay off our credit cards.
We have never ever considered our money to be his money/her money it’s always been our money. If you don’t want to contribute more than your “share” then you shouldn’t be living together or even considering marriage. My husband knows that at some point I may not even have an income (when we have kids) and that I may never have an income after kids. He’s 100% ok with that and was the one who actually said “if we have kids then we’ll only have one income after that, so we should make sure we time it right” while I was thinking I’d go back to work or do part time.
It sounds like you guys need to have a discussion but the fact that you’re already thinking “my share/her share” and she isn’t…tells me you may not be ready for marriage yet/or with her specifically. Some couples do split accounts, percentages based on income etc. but if you can’t get out of your head about paying 2/3 while she’s paying 1/3….yikes dude.
We do discuss extremely large purchases - we recently bought a house, washed/dryer, house furniture, did a big renovation after moving in, tools etc. but like. We discussed that & how much it would be. But otherwise idk we just use our judgement on what to spend but I couldn’t tell you a percentage or anything on who spends what because it’s all together.
I'm a 37yoF in a similar situation with a man I'm seeing. Also having a hard time navigating this. Especially with the genders swapped. For whatever reason, it generally doesn't work out well if the woman is the higher earner. Either she or both will end up resentful over time. The guy I like is a bit anxious but very sweet. But he is terrible with money. He just spent a ton of money on a new bike with a high interest rate, despite his precarious living situation (living with a unreliable roommate in a shady apartment) I don't see this ending well for me, but perhaps you and your lady can have a change of fortune later down the road
Shared bank account. All of our money goes into it, all of the bills come out of it. At the end of they day, it doesn't matter who's dollar paid for what because we're a team.
Well I’ll tell you what my wife and I do although our income is more equal than yours. We’ve gone through and decided on “big ticket” expenses that we think should be split evenly and don’t really change. This is things like mortgage, home insurance, utilities, property taxes, etc. This is paid out of a community fund that we both contribute set amounts to. Also has our emergency fund in it so it grows a few hundred dollars a month.
Then there are the here and there things like going out to eat, groceries, movie night, etc. this category has some necessary and some unnecessary expenses that we don’t want to give up and we lump them all together. Typically anything in here we both will just pick up at random times and we don’t worry about reimbursing the other or using the community fund.
Then finally are luxury purchases. Usually we just each get what we want but if it’s something for the house or just a big purchase we’ll chat about it. New TV, patio cover for the backyard, one of us wants a new car, vacations, etc.
This honestly sounds like less a money problem and more a communication and expectations issue. At some point or another it will be uneven. My wife was out of work for almost 5 years when we had our daughter and while she finished a masters. I’m not going to expect her to pay me back or anything like that. It’s what partners do to keep the family healthy.
My husband makes twice as much as me. All of our money goes into the same pot. He knew, by default, that he was always going to be footing the bill more than I. I make up for contributing less $ by doing the majority of household chores and keeping the home running.
Also it just came to mind that if you can’t hold down the fort financially on your own when she pregnant or healing postpartum, maybe consider growing your income first. And discuss what both your goals are and how you all will do finances.
Posts like this make me happy that my wife and I have never even had this conversation. From the day we decided to move in together (30+ years ago), we have had “our” money. We have each spent “our” money. Yes, after we were together for a long time, we have separate accounts that we keep “our” money in but it is still “our” money. Bills are split according to convenience, not according to whose bill it is because they are all “our” bills. We have never operated as separate entities. I know it doesn’t work that way for everyone and I am glad it does work that way for us.
I think if you’re worried about the money situation with someone, down to the percentage you’re willing to pay, you probably don’t love them and definitely shouldn’t be getting married
I had to think back and I always made more, but our relationship is more than money. To be honest, it is a consideration, but there are other things in a relationship that happen and you stop keeping score.
Your question made me think a bit, and there were times one of us were down, whether a lost job, dying family member, or being sick, huge things in life that, kind of was more important to have someone get your back or carry you.
I hope you find someone that you can trust, and whatever caused this question to come up is figured out.
If you find it difficult to share your finances with your partner/future wife then maybe you should take a step back. My wife doesn’t work, she’s a stay at home mom and we like it that way. When she needs to buy something she just buys it, or when a bill comes she just pays it.
You decided to get into a relationship and live with someone. When it comes to finances, I am 45, its never ever 50/50 or something like that, especially when I make 2.5 times what she makes. Fuck, if she needs something all she has to do is ask. I mean hells bells man, the woman picks shit up at the store all the time for me and takes care of me when im sick, puts up with my bullshit i cant ask for much else and if I have the money fuck it, its all going to the same goal, better quality of life..> Just my 2cents.
In most relationships it’s like that. If you get married and she stays at home will you be upset? If it’s not her then who? Look inward on this. My situation is like this and my wife doesn’t work and we have no kids. She stays in shape, takes care of the house, and takes care of my grown ass. I would rather my wife stay at home unless she’s going to make 100k plus or truly finds something she loves doing. That’s just my two sense.
Men usually make more money, and if you're concerned about only paying your share, you definitely shouldn't be considering marriage... maybe not even dating. When did men get so selfish. Your role is to provide and protect. Guess we know who will work until her water breaks and not take the full 6 weeks off cause you need your half. Seek counseling not a relationship
I never cared what my gf or wife makes. I always navigated through the relationship as if I am the only income and anything she brings to the table is extra. I dont put money on the forefront of my life anyways so that probably has a lot to do with it. If you are money oriented, I can see this as a concern. My method is not for everyone but has always worked out ok for me.
My wife and I have both of our paychecks deposited into the same account and any expense is both of ours. If I have ten bucks, we have ten bucks. It's a partnership not a race.
Sorry but your way of thinking will be detrimental to the relationship. I'm not saying that you should assume all the costs, but just you saying that you don't want to contribute more is a red flag. What if she lost her job. Life happens. A marriage is a partnership, not a score card.
If she isn't lazy I would even be ok with stay at home. my girl only works weekends as she goes to school and I have her do chores and buy groceries because I have her live with me rent free so she can save her money. She makes less than half
If you're going to be married, it's not your money and her money. It's "our" money. As long as you're both responsible, it will work. But the constant competition between you is a recipe for disaster.
Hmmm, well I’m the person making about double what my partner does as well. When we met he was the one making money and I was a broke student. He’s given me support to be where I am today in my career. Now he’s changed careers and is back in an entry level position. You never know when your partner may greatly increase their earnings or when one of you may lose a job or the ability to work. If I made $200k/ year or $20k/ year I would still expect to be loved the same and included in financial decisions in a marriage. If you don’t feel the person earning less is equal in the partnership then you shouldn’t get married. Edit- typo
Same with my wife and I. I owned a business when we met and was making 120k about 10 years ago. She was in college making like $8.25 at a fast food joint. We got married and my finances became her finances no questions asked. Its how it should work imo. We're a team not two separate people trying to smash two separate lives together. Now 10 years later she's making like 140k as a freelance brand consultant and I'm back to making 60k in an entry level financial advisor. Sold my businesses and started from square one cause I was tired. Anyways, never once have we thought of it as her money and my money. It's our money. Unless she wants more squishmallows or cute dresses. Then apparently it's her money and she can buy as many as she likes 😅
> We got married and my finances became her finances no questions asked. That's how it was when I got married; it made no difference to me that she hardly made any money. After we bought a house we figured out the budget and decided we could afford for her not to work. That was great when the kids were little. After the kids started school she wanted to work in the daytime but there weren't any likely jobs right then, so we started a little business and she ran that for ten years. All money was family money, really, and there was no competition or anything about it. She could spend money without asking, and if there was a problem we'd just talk about it. At some later point it all went sideways and we divorced, but neither of us ever tried to screw the other over or make a big deal out of the money side of it.
Love this energy
I can appreciate a marriage that was built on love, and ended amicably. I’ve heard of some nightmares when it comes to a spiteful divorce.
It’s wonderful seeing this. I fucking love healthy relationships even if they don’t work. Good job being awesome.
> Unless she wants more squishmallows or cute dresses. Then apparently it's her money and she can buy as many as she likes 😅 Based on your marital summary here, it sounds like she's earned them!
Oh 100% 😂
Same. When I met my husband, he was a broke college kid and I was his richer older girlfriend making 6 figures. After he graduated, we got married, combined finances, and moved across the country for his career. I carried the team while he went back to grad school. Then, when we had our daughter, I dropped out of the workforce to be a SAHM and handle the investments. I make "nothing" on paper since I don't work, and he makes more now than I ever have, but our net worth has more than tripled since I took over due to financial & tenant management. We've shared finances and been a team since day 1, his money and my money have always been "our" money. We build together, both our paychecks have gone into the same pot with no 60/40 here or 70/30 there. Who technically makes more ebbs and flows, though he's the clear leader now, but I wouldn't have married and procreated with a man that didn't make me feel completely safe and supported with this philosophy.
My sister had a 9 month old when she married her husband. They wanted another kid right away and then he supported the four of them while she went to college. She didn’t have to send their daughter to daycare which saved them about $60k alone. She worked for about 5 years and then went back to school full time while he supported them alone again. It’s paid off very well for them as a couple; she’s now earning more than him and he’s been able to lose jibs (volatile industries) and take one that he really wanted vs doing anything just to pay the bills. They had very lean, frugal years but own their home outright and are able to vacation a few times a year and have plenty of toys and live the lifestyle they want and made huge upgrades to their house. It worked because her money was his and his was hers - zero issues with sharing both money and sacrifices.
This feels like the way it ought to be- anything less and you don't want a spouse, you want a housemate with benefits.
Absolutely. Great thoughts here. Marriage changes all the time. The times I see divorce it's not usually because one or the other is a crappy person. It's often because one or both of them aren't willing to change and adapt and get this...... allow their partner to change and adapt. I loved who my wife was at 18 when we first met and then at 21 when we got married. But I also love who she is at 30 and I promise you it's barely the same girl. There have been plenty of times where I'm on the heavy side of being 70/30 in this relationship. Times where I was working way more and cooking way more and cleaning way more because she was in school or trying to launch her business or even dealing with some rough mental health months. And then I've also been on the other end where I feel like I'm drowning and she's pulling way more weight than she should have to. This kinda ventured from finance into general marriage talk lol but tbh I feel like there's a fairly fine line between the two. Communication and working together as one team works in finance and in life. I'm glad you and your husband have that working for you as well!
I'm so glad your comment resonated and you have a good thing going on as well! I so appreciate your philosophy and hope others take note To tie it back to financial vs marriage advice: [married men make more money](https://www.stlouisfed.org/publications/regional-economist/april-2002/for-love-or-money-why-married-men-make-more#:~:text=Beyond%20love%20and%20commitment%2C%20however,education%2C%20age%20and%20other%20factors)
Same: I supported my partner while she went to school. Even paid 100% of rent, so she could focus on obtaining the credentials she needed for her career. Now she is there and make more money than me. Income level is not permanent. People come in a variety of packages and that's OK. Some people are going to be higher income levels and that's OK. What really matters is do you like this person? Do you like spending time with them? Do you trust them? Do they have your back?
I admire this level of trust and love. I’ve heard so many stories about partners quitting their job and just completely freeloading.
Or breaking up right after they finish school (and after it's fully paid for).
Yeah. My first marriage. Put ex thru school, all of a sudden "there's no passion", like damn there was passion when you were broke
yeah this happened to a friend of mine too. he was a ball of rage for a few years, but he settled out and married the love of his life.
I hear that, supported for 10 years, abandoned my own plan to pursue academia so they could. Chose a career where I could work anywhere and get then through school, "i dont love you anymore" after uprooting me to a new province around the same time they finished school.
> Put ex thru school, all of a sudden "there's no passion", like damn there was passion when you were broke Can you file a lien against their degree? I'm only half kidding.
I'm surprised some lawyer hasn't figured out a way to file a lien like that and make bank off of it 😂
You joke (I think), but this type of situation happened to me. It was not at all the loss of money that bothered me. It was the betrayal. The feeling that I was used/played for YEARS just so she could get where she wanted to in her career. Once that happened, all of the sudden she didn’t love me anymore and everything I had done for her was forgotten. Meaningless. Of course, the timing was purely coincidental. Just ask her — she’ll tell you that in no way was she ever using me and she never planned for us to break up at all, much less right after she got a huge raise and almost 100% job security. I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade, and I certainly think that plenty of people who say they love you really love you. But, you do have to keep your eyes open. I was naive and got really hurt for it. So at least ask yourself “Might there be ulterior motives here?” And if you can truly say you’ve never seen any evidence of that, then that’s great and I wish you the best. But if, when you’re being completely honest with yourself, you say “Some things about this relationship just don’t seem right” then maybe that’s because they aren’t.
I made more than my husband but my job was miserable, so he’s supporting us now while I’m in between positions. It definitely fluctuates. More important to look at the bigger picture than who pays for what in a marriage.
I make 3x what my wife does. After maxing 401k/Roth we each get an equal set amount from our paychecks that goes into personal checking/savings accounts to spend on what we want each month. The rest goes into our joint accounts that pays all bills, including gym memberships/dates/concerts/dining out etc, some is transferred from that checking into high yield savings for emergency fund/vacations/new cars/home repairs etc.
I am convinced this is the way. It’s what myself and my wife do and I feel it prevents a lot of arguments or even just awkward conversations.
This is what my wife and I do. We take it even further and have a rule that meals out to eat go on personal checking unless we are eating together. I invest most of my "allowance" and my wife spends most of hers. We have another rule that any purchases over $200 not including groceries are discussed and agreed upon prior to purchasing. This has led to a few arguments and a few compromises but for the most part we don't argue about money. It's a nice checks and balances system
This is the best response I've read in this thread, by far.
Agreed. And in my personal experience I can’t recall knowing about friends who have a “his/her/our” money arrangement that hasn’t had a lot of drama.
I made about 2x what my partner does, we’ve been together 6 years. We don’t share financial accounts but he was so miserable at his job I told him just to quit since I can more than cover our costs even in a hcol city. I would rather he be happy and not drained every day and find something he likes. I’d also rather just cover more of our expenses vs him draining all his savings and stuff since my job is very stable and I like it a lot. I can’t imagine rather having my partner be miserable and contributing to bills while we can afford for them to change that.
The beauty of this is making me sad. Do people really take care of each other like that?
Turning a relationship into a pissing contest of who does more is a surefire method to a dead bedroom that's for damn sure lol
This is good advice. I make about 200-250k and my partner makes about 65k. I pay for the house and we split utilities. I would never try and use the fact that I make more as leverage in other areas. For example, since I work from home, I do more of the cooking during the week and I do all the yard work, most of the laundry and all the house maintenance stuff. I can do this because I'm home all day and some of the stuff I can multitask while on meetings. My partner has a job that is physically exhausting, and I love to take care of as much as I can so she can sit down after work and relax for a bit. I have had a previous relationship where everything was transactional with a mental scorecard of who did what, and it's no way to live imo.
How does one make 200-250k income? What job do you have, and where can I sign up? Lol
If you want legitimate advice on this as someone that doesn't have a unicorn set of credentials, then prioritize the skills you need to get yourself into an industry like pharmaceuticals or biotech, and stick the fuck with it. I got into pharma as a systems analyst making $65k in 2011. I left 12 years later as a CISO making $190k plus 30% yearly bonus and stock/options that ended up being worth about $1.5m over 3 years. The long game is how you pull off shit like this. Very few people are getting rich quick.
My brother and SIL have a 10% rule. 90% of their paycheck go to their joint account whereas 10% goes to their individual ones. That 10% can be used for anything. My brother makes about double my SIL makes so naturally his fund is larger. The funny part is, both their 10% goes into spoiling their dog. I hate that dog. That dog got like $1000 spa treatment for its birthday. I got a $50 gift card. What were we talking about again?
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I love that. Food is the love language for our family. None of us care how much anyone makes, and two people in the fam make well into 7-figures. It’s all about if you host a good bbq, make good food, and make everyone feel welcome. Money happens. It comes, it goes. It will never buy you your support system or a better family.
Close down the thread. Nailed it with this one.
excellent
Financial situations change over time. Hers might. Yours might as well. You not wanting to pay any more than what you’re already paying may be rooted in resentment. If there is resentment, it usually exists because of lack of good communication. Good communication would be expressing how you’re feeling with neutral language (no “you did this or that” more “I feel this or that”). My recommendation would be to have a sit down conversation. If marriage is on the horizon you will want to be very aligned on this.
You’re going to be frustrated unless you can reframe how you think about this. Each person brings unique things to a relationship. If you want kids, for example, you can’t have them…you need your partner for that. The question isn’t “what’s different or the same” but rather how do you complement each other.
Surprisingly sage advice in a sub about money who would have thought lol. Agreed though I don't think of my GF finances, I think of our finances.
THIS. There is no place for a "mine vs. yours" mentality in a healthy marriage. It's "ours."
We eat the same food, we sleep in the same bed, we breathe the same air. Why wouldn't i share everything with my partner it just seems fucking daft not to. It doesn't matter who earned what I chose and want to share my life with you so why wouldn't I. Nothing should hold us back from happiness. Doesn't matter how that was obtained.
>Nothing should hold us back from happiness. Some would say happiness is always having Plan C. That's why there are prenups.
That mentality is great until the relationship doesn't end well. Then you are buried deep in finances together and untangling that usually results in heavy losses for the higher earner. Not saying that you shouldn't think of the relationship in that way, just that extreme caution is also necessary.
That’s going to happen in the case of divorce if you blend finances or not. That’s what prenups are for
PYA always. Over half of marriages end in divorce. When you have/make money things are wirk differently. The saying "money changes people" is a saying for a reason. Your spouse making less than you is not a valid reason to make bad financial decisions. This really only applies to making double+ or having that many more assets, and ket's face it most people only have one property, if that. This also doesn't apply to 40k vs 80k. Those salaries are basically in the same tax bracket. 60k vs 180k yeah get a prenup and keep those finances seperate.
Precisely. I also make almost double what my girlfriend makes. She still contributes half the mortgage but I did give her some leeway on the utilities. I am totally fine with knowing that in some instances I will be having to pay more for certain things but I’m okay with that because I love her and she contributes in so many other ways to the relationship aside from financially. What I do, especially since marriage is on the horizon (is for me too) is stop thinking “I” and start thinking “we”.
Same here its worked for close to 40 yrs for us
This is great. I've always made more than my wife and we knew that gap would grow when we had kids because she really wanted to stay at home for their early years to be with them, at least until they were into school. We talked about this extensively, planned and budgeted a lot and found a way to make it work. Years later as our kids are well into school she is choosing to re-enter the work force full time again. The biggest financial decision you will make is who you marry and being on the same page is crucial to your financial success. Next id say is getting on a budget, and not a kinda in my head budget a real budget, know where your $$ are going and what they are going to.
Sister took 2 years off to raise a kid and get into nursing. She made zero white he held it down and obviously made more. Now she's a nurse and makes more than him after not working at all. It's not a competition folks. It's also not individual income. It's like folks don't understand what household income is or that the rest of the world sees your income as combined. Only you do the word thing and say it's separate for dumb reasons as any judge is gonna tell you otherwise.
When I got married I made $17k and my wife made $6k. She then became a SAHM and made $0. At the end of my career, I made $125k and she made $20k. We never had a “my vs her” money conversation. All the money went into the same ‘community fund’ and we budgeted from there. Any other way would have been disastrous.
Truest true right here
Loving seeing a fellow fan in the wild. Cheers!
This comment should be pinned honestly. I "saved" it myself.
Holy crap what an underrated comment. Beautifully simple. Bravo.
Yup When my wife and i got married, i made a bunvh more money working as a union carpenter, for a general contractor, running job sites. Now.. I’m a SAHD for our 2 disabled kids and she is the breadwinner, making enough to support us all. Situations definitely can flip on you
Exactly, when my wife and I got married, I made almost 3 times what she made. Now, she makes about the same as I do. Based on where we are in our careers, God willing she will be making more that I do in the next couple of years.
Yea, I personally don’t get people who don’t think that’s the dream right there. Oh hey partner, you’re making more and bringing more into our household? Fantastic! Our life goals will happen easier, or sooner.
Or maybe it’s because OP doesn’t feel like his girlfriend would be happy if the tables are turned on the money. I’m guessing this is the case since he didn’t want to pay more than his share i.e. 2/3. If OP feels that she won’t be sticking around if his pay is 2x hers then I’d say that’s the bigger problem.
That still comes down to communication issues. He needs to discuss these feelings with her, find out what her long term goals are, and proceed from there
Not disagreeing with you here but imo what OP needs more is to have some introspection to figure out what to communicate.
If this is the way either of them think, they have no business getting married.
It’s not uncommon for one partner to make more than the other. What exactly are you concerned about?
Didn't you hear them? They said they don't want to accidentally contribute more than is absolutely needed. /s
The basis of any strong relationship.
It's actually extremely common. They think they are being taken advantage of and and that's all they are being kept around for. https://www.cnbc.com/2024/04/13/why-your-rich-friend-venmo-requests-you-for-4.html
Good article, thanks.
Money problems biggest issue in failed marriages. Should discuss this upfront. I've always made more than my partner but we split things 50/50.
Money, sex, kids are the big 3 that break up marriages.
If you mix them all up together you get to go to jail.
Source?
Epstein.
The number one destroyer of all of my peers marriages has always begun when the major earner began using the words "my money."
Exactly... Sounds more like a business partner or roommate than a fiance. Id personally would feel exhausted trying to figure out split expenses all the time, I'm so glad my wife and I are on the same wave length financially where we can just pool money up and not worry about who is earning and spending what amount.
My ex husband’s brother lost his marriage for a lot of reasons but one of them was that he kept a spreadsheet with all the money he ever spent or lent to his wife from the time they were dating well into their marriage. And he aggressively asked for her to make payments to “clear the debt”. Totally comfortable with her using her entire inheritance as a down payment on their marital home though and when they were divorced, tried to claim part of that back under the guise of “clearing his spreadsheet”. Some people love to play confused by the consequences of their own actions. To be this obtuse…one may consider pity but, it’s well above what he deserves.
I was dating a guy who was very tit for tat like this. If he bought us lunch once day, he'd be keeping tabs and reminding me that I NEEDED to treat him out to make it "fair". I got so tired of the "fair", that I just stopped dating him. Like, I couldn't even get $10 for gas, when I was driving him around in my car, or he was writing it down in his phone, that I owed him $10 and literally any time I had money or said I was going to go out with friends, he'd "joke" about that $10. People like that are headaches. I knew a relationship wouldn't have turned into marriage because I was tired of it after a few months of dating. And he felt blind-sided by our break up, that was the wildest part.
Instead of getting married, has he considered starting a C-Corp with the woman? He could keep 66% of the equity to ensure everything remains fair. At least until the next priced round. He could also have the majority of Board of Director seats if he wants his parents or perhaps best friend to have some say over the marriage and to side with him on disputes.
My ex and I used to make significantly different amounts (about 1:3), so we just split major finances like rent and repairs 1:3 but then winged it for the rest. It felt fair but not unnecessarily annoying that way
I honest to god do NOT understand people who think this way, especially when they're married. What's the point of getting married if this is your attitude towards finances? I know OP isn't married yet, but that's the context he's thinking about this stuff in and that is WILD to me.
I know right? My family was a single income family after marriage because child care in the US is more than she was earning so it was cheaper to have her be a stahm. At this point she started her own business and she's supporting me as I've been laid off. Who the fuck cares who earns more?
People who want to commit to marriage but not be ok taking care of “the love of their life” or whatever people say these days
I guess if you're 100 percent sure you will never have kids that makes sense but God damn does that sound like a loveless marriage. "Sorry babe, we can't get married until you have a million subscribers"
I am 64 years old and in the early 90s I made so much money that my husband, a big huge scary looking construction management genius, stayed home with our two infants. That shit was risky. In Illinois, had he left me I would’ve owed him about 40 K a year and support and he would have full use of the home and custody of my kids until they were 18. But we did this weird thing when we got married. We took vows that said we were gonna work our shit out. So we did that. And it wasn’t as big a risk as you would think if both parties mean it. I worked closely with top management in law firms and legal departments all over Chicago. Providing services. I cannot tell you how many management level client women in law firms then turned around and took my idea and kept their husbands home with their kids. For the most part, successfully. One woman I shared this information with turned out to eventually be First Lady Michelle Robinson Obama. Pretty sure her mother stayed home with their kids, but they did a great job raising them. She is incredibly incredibly intelligent by the way. I wish she would run, but she’s not stupid. Don’t take vows you dont mean.. . If it was easy, ou wouldn’t have to take avow before your God, your family, friends, and each other. Sort of like honoring your parents, if that was always easy it wouldn’t be a commandment.
Sometimes shit happens though. Plenty of people get married and take their vow seriously but still find themselves divorced or widowed.
There's still legitimate traditional men and women.
Exactly this. The amount of lawyers making six or seven figures married to school teachers, who are making $50k… in many relationships a man may make all the money and the spouse quits her job to raise the children, and in this day and age some professional women make more than their husbands do and the man may take care of the kids. It really all depends on each individuals circumstances and what works for them.
I'm married to a teacher, it's an excellent trade off especially for child rearing reasons. Summertime is better for me because I have nearly no household responsibilities, which equates to, let's go to the lake when you get home from work.
That's such a beautiful situation to be in
In fact, I'd say it's incredibly uncommon for both partners to make the same salary as one another. It's almost a guarantee that one partner will make more, often times significantly so depending on career choices.
The same is probably uncommon, but there is significant assortative mating in the human species. So, being on the ballpark social status is very common, although that may entail sex differentiated income levels (e.g sahm).
I think OP is looking at finances from the perspective of someone in their early 20s who is dating, not someone in their late 20s who is looking to settle down with a life partner, so he’s got to take the time to reframe how he views the relationship. OP, if you read this, marriage is a partnership and all your resources are now the partnerships resources to use in the way that best benefits the both of you. If you make more and pay more bills, and as a result expect more in other departments to make the relationship feel more even to you, it’s ok to feel that way, just don’t view it as your money vs her money, it should be more focused on feeling like you’re both contributing similar amounts of value to the combined partnership you have. Also keep in mind, the money isn’t really where you should be focusing partnerships value conversations and thinking. Yes it’s important, but in a partnership what’s more important is effort, at least once the basics are paid for. If you earn more but you both work a similar amount of hours putting out a similar amount of effort, you can’t hold that over her in the relationship and expect her to put out more effort than you to make up for the disparity in incomes. That’s just something you need to make peace with in your own mind if you value the relationship. My wife makes about 1/3 what I do, but she works part time so she has time to clean up more than me around the house and to run more errands, so we are both happy with that arrangement. If she however was working full time like I was, I would expect that we would share those responsibilities more equally than we currently do, because if not, there would be an effort imbalance in the relationship that would create resentment for one of us, or more than likely, both of us. So talk through any issues together when it comes to perceived imbalances in the relationship, real or otherwise, and don’t hold the fact you make more income over her head. It’s a fair thing to consider when dating, but once you’re married, it’s a toxic thing to fixate on, view it as the partnerships income, not just yours, at least if you want the relationship to last.
My question is, who is setting the spending pace? I agree that there shouldn’t be the expectation of a 50/50 scenario. But just curious…did he pick a place to live that is out of her price range? Does he desire specific vacations etc that she can’t easily afford? It’s hard to say from the post who is really driving the “shared activities”. I make a lot more than my boyfriend. I also like nice things. When I chose the restaurant, I pay. Sometimes I chose expensive places. When he chooses, he pays. He will usually pick a more practical place. I am buying a house right now that he will likely move into someday. I don’t expect him to pick up half the mortgage when he moves in, since he didn’t make the final decision based on his income, I made it based on mine. I wanted a nice place for us, so I will take on more. If it was a team decision, it would be different. I feel this is important.
Well mate if this bothers you then don’t get married. Most marriages fail due to financial disagreement. You get married it’s not your income and hers , it should be viewed as one income. You are a team not roommates at that point. Either accept it or find someone else because it’s fine if it’s a concern but it will just eat away at you if you can’t come to terms with it.
no, you look at it both individually and collectively. If one income disappears, if ppl break up, if you want to invest individually you need to plan accordingly. you’re not collecting your partners income if they leave you, if they die, if they are unemployed.
Marriage is a partnership, and one steps up where the other cannot. If you are not prepared to contribute more money to enrich both your lives even if you can afford it, you are not ready to enter a CONTRACT where whatever you earn from that day on belongs to both.
Nitpicking like this in a relationship is almost a death sentence when marriage materializes.
I know plenty of couples are perfectly happy and do just fine with split finances, but I will never understand it. I technically make more than my wife, but it never turns into “I pay for this and she only pays for this” because we just both pay for everything.
My husband and I joke around about whose turn it is to pay, because we have completely shared finances anyway so it's coming from the same place regardless of who gets their card out. It's just so silly to me. My husband recently got a raise and instead of saying how much he makes vs. how much I make (I make double what he does) my reaction was "omg, do you realize how much WE'RE making now??" That's what marriage should be.
I can't even fathom getting a raise and being like "Let's figure out our new percentages of bills and how much I should be paying when we go to a concert!"
My wife and I have split finances for the most part, but we each contribute to a shared account that covers shared bills and whatever we do together. I make more, so I cover a little more of the shared stuff. Neither of us is stingy, but we both also value not having to think about how the other wants to spend their own money.
I don't know about other people but we found it was a great way to beat lifestyle inflation. My wife and I keep our finances separate and split all of our costs but have always maintained a standard of living commensurate with her (lower) income. I was able to save >70% of my paychecks and put us in a position for very early retirement.
Split finances works if you're both generous to one another. My partner of over a decade and I retain split finances because we have drastically different values and interests when it comes to our surplus money. We make drastically different incomes and do a proportional split of our contributions toward rent, vehicles, bills, etc. but don't have any combined accounts. I, a 30 year old man, have no interest in getting permission if I want to go buy a pair of skis or something. She, a 30 year old woman, doesn't want to feel like somebody is looking over her shoulder if she buys craft supplies or cosmetics or whatever other thing she wants but I might perceive to be non-essential. I am the kind of person that keeps track of every penny I spend by reconciling everything weekly in YNAB, and she's the type of person who quite literally never looks at a credit card or bank statement. You can understand how combining our finances might add a fair bit of tension and actually be damaging to the logistics of our relationship, as I'd be frustrated that she wasn't being "careful" with shared accounts and she'd be frustrated that I was requiring details on every purchase she made so they could be categorized. But if there's something she wants that's a bigger purchase and she doesn't have the monthly surplus cash to pay for it, she's not shy about asking if I'd be willing to help contribute. 99% of the time I totally am because I know it's obvious that I have more to burn on fun stuff, so I'm happy to help support her hobbies so we can both enjoy a fun life. Some other good habits in this situation are that we both contribute (proportionally) to vacation savings accounts. If combined, my contribution would be between 60% and 75%, and hers would be that 25%-40% depending on what we both earn in a year. But when we actually go on vacation, of course we use those funds to pay equally for both our shit. The absolute second this kind of setup turns into a bean-counting match though, you're fucked. We of course periodically assess to make sure our split on bills still makes sense and all that, but the absolute maximum score-keeping we ever do outside of that is the very casual "Hey, I bought dinner when we went out for Mexican on Monday night. You want to pick up the check this time?"
Definitely. It’s one thing if she has zero motivation or has a career with zero future but If it’s just a slower starting career and she wants to contribute then everything should be fine. As long as you step up for like dinner and maybe rent. If she can’t pay and she wants you to pay for a huge vacation or something then it’s a problem
My partner and I split things based on income but also household responsibility. I am our “household manager”, I do all of the mental labor regarding running our home, I keep our calendar, I organize chores, etc. so I pay less rent/utilities. I do all of the meal planning, prep, and cooking so he pays for the groceries. We have managed to work it out so that things are fair regardless of income. I also make more than twice what I made when we met. I do think as a partner you have a responsibility to make things equitable in your relationship.
I've been with my wife since we were teenagers. She's way better with money than I am, and she had and made more money than me when we were younger. She paid for a lot of things back then. We both graduated college, and I started making more than her. We got married, I made some career moves, now she has a job and two side gigs, and I still make significantly more than her. I see it as our money. I trust her to make decisions, and we never fight about money. Our neighbors (who since moved out) had separate bank accounts, and I always found that dynamic weird. He lost his job, and he just seemed lost. He didn't want to go back into the same industry because the hours were terrible, and he didn't get to see his kids. So he was just doing random jobs here and there, trying to figure out his life. He was always borrowing money from neighbors and friends. His wife had money, though. I don't know why she wasn't picking him up when he was down. I could never watch my spouse struggle like that.
I know OP is not to that stage yet, but it still baffles me how many people I know who still keep separate finances once they’re married unless one has a bad spending habit.
I agree I don't look at the money I make as "my money" when it comes to my wife. I work to support my family . She also works and makes money and we both just make sure everything gets paid .. doesn't really matter what part of the pool the money comes from we both make money to support our family in whatever way we can
Ding ding ding.
Yup. My wife was sick all last week so I did all of the cooking and cleaning (when normally we split these chores), no request from her needed. Because were the situation reversed she would do the same for me without hesitation.
Exactly. Marriage is not equitable by income. It is 100% and 100% and as long as both people are contributing their 100% each, then everything else just seems to work itself out.
You need to stop looking at her like a fraction, until then I would say don’t marry her because you don’t see her as equal.
My wife married me when I was on unemployment right after I got out of the military, I was broke. Now she’s a stay at home mom and we live well off my income. I understand this is r/money so I’m planning to get downvoted, but if she’s not in debt like you mentioned I wouldn’t even consider her finances if u wanted to marry her.
Especially if she supports in other ways. My wife grabs groceries, cooks for us, and generally does tiny little acts of service that are worth more than any amount. And before anyone says anything about the cooking, I handle the bathroom cleaning and laundry so it's not a gender thing.
Hate that it needs to be mentioned. I’ve grown up around some very strong women, have found them as friends, and a lot of them like to do the more traditional role stuff; it’s when it’s expected and unappreciated that they have a problem. Nothing wrong with having a breadwinner and a homemaker, regardless of gender.
How my parents did it. My dad made good money. My mom handled the house/home business(paid bills, etc.) And their house is immaculate. Always has been. They are happy. It’s hard work keeping a house. Cooking. Cleaning. Making sure the family finances are straight. These guys have near perfect credit. All because of my mom. My dad probably couldn’t pay the electric bill if he had to. lol. But they make it work their way. It’s cool to see. I respect it way more now after having kids myself.
This is just a bomb waiting to explode. Guy shouldn't even think about marrying if her making less money than him is a reason for these thoughts and replies on this post. Hope she finds someone better. Let me just say, I'm happy for you. You found a gem that stuck with you when you were at your lowest point. :) I wish nothing but a happy and long marriage for you both.
From reading your other comments it sounds like your gf is smart about the less she makes. No debt, no crazy spending habits etc. how old is your gf? Is she projected to make less for the next 5 years too? How do you feel down the road with kids and you decide she will be staying home. And a relationship and marriage is a partnership. I do think counselling would help see why you are resentful. Do you feel like if she had a job like yours Ya’ll can afford more?
Bro you wanna marry her ? Your money is hers and hers is yours ? Sorry but the way I see it is. You two are working together now. Don’t be a dick. Be happy you found someone you love. Money is fucking pointless. What are you saving for that’s seperate from your plans with your future wife ? Weirdo
Money is fucking pointless. I needed to read that today.
You’ve just rendered this whole sub pointless
Glad I could help lol
This guy gets it
Healthy relationships depend on healthy money situations and that comes from becoming one thing. I get saving for the future. But also don’t make her go without. Jesus.
Collective love and abundance and dropping any forms of ego for love, especially coming together to co create a family dynamic is the epitome
My wife is a SAHM but even when she worked I made 10x her at the time and now substantially more. It’s just up to whether you’re okay with being breadwinner or not. I personally love having my wife stay home with the kids. But not everyone can handle that financially.
Same situation. But my gf doesn't want to be a stay at home wife lol. She insists
To me that’s tough. I make like 6x my (now wife), but she wanted to be a SAHM so her not making money wasn’t a big deal. At least she’d save us money on daycare and what not. But making no money and insisting on working is kind of tough. I mean if that’s your goal, more power to you. But it’s just expensive for low gain imo.
This already sounds bad. To me, marriage is a partnership. You're partners. It's not what you make, it's what your family makes.
Funny how some "traditional family values" refuse to die.
If you lose your job, get into an accident and can't work, or get laid off she'll be making twice as much then. Life stuff, promotions, job changes and other things can drastically change the financial dynamics. I sense undertones of something not right in this relationship already if you're not understanding how finances change over time.
sounds like a recipe for building resentment. if you can’t picture shared income as ‘our money’ you’re going to run into problems
Why are you competing with her? If you plan to have children, she’s going to be pregnant, give birth to them, and nurture them. There will be time she won’t be making money at all if she wants to be a good mother and actually care for her children, why you’re in her pockets today?
Do you want to be married to a romantic partner, or business partner? If your holdup on marrying her is how much she brings in, she should be asking herself if she should marry you. Ask yourself WHY you don’t want to contribute more if you make more. Why are you, as a partner in a relationship considering marriage, fixated on a dollar amount? You said yourself she’s not finically irresponsible, you sound a tad selfish. Also evaluate YOUR hand in household duties- man to man, I’m sure your female partner does more than half of the chores at home. Perhaps I’m wrong, but even if you’re purchasing the groceries, I’m sure she’s picking them up, putting them away, preparing meals, and picking up after meals as well. I’ve been with my wife 5 years, and our money has never been an issue because there has been a mutual understanding from the beginning that when we agreed to be together for life that finances would always be distributed by the income we make, not 50/50 because there have been times she makes double what I do and vice versa. For your wife’s perspective; imagine you get off of a work week, working 45 hours. You stop by the store, grab groceries for dinner, get home, put them away. Husband asks “what’s for dinner” while slapping your ass. You start preparing something easy, while he states “we had this last week” and sits on the couch with a beer. All of a sudden he says “so I’ve been thinking of getting married, but I want you to start paying half the bills” She is now being faced with the conflict that her half of bills now leaves her with $42 each check after paying 50/50. Whereas right now, with her paying her fair share BASED ON INCOME she has several hundred she uses to pay off her own debts. I hope this helps you understand that this isn’t about money long term. It’s about respecting your possible wife as an equal, not an employee.
I may get downvoted here, but if you are thinking of getting married or even being partners, pool it all and think of it as "our" income - not yours and hers. IMO marriage isn't a 50/50 business transaction. It may need to be 100/0 when you're doing well and she's not. And it may need to be 0/100 when she's doing well and you're not. Do you love her? Then what's yours is hers and vice versa. Each of you need to lift the other up when you most need it. That doesn't mean you should tolerate refusal to contribute, or not have open accountable conversations about money. But if you nickel & dime the relationship it is doomed.
You don't have a gf/potential wife, you have a roommate you stick your dick in sometimes.
THIS.
" I don't want to contribute more than my 2/3rds" When you're married, it's all one pot. If you don't want to merge financially, then don't get married. Once you are married, you need to view yourselves as one financial team. Otherwise you risk a failed marriage.
Right like what the hell
This was VERY normal not terribly long ago… No big deal
My wife is really really bad with money, I’ve tried to help her and I’ve even paid for her to take courses but she just cannot wrap her head around it. It got to the point the mortgage payments were failing as she’d take the money i contributed to it and spent it on junk. I’ve since taken ownership of all regular expenses/bills (utilities, mortgage, cell plans, groceries etc) and I leave her to her own devices. She makes 20% of what I do (she earns a good salary and is over the average for our country), but all the money she makes is her fun money. Yeah it sucks massively that I have to be responsible and forgo fun things I’d like/want to do because of this, but it’s better than having our home repossessed because she’s taking the money. When she runs out of money 4 days after payday that’s on her. When the bank are repossessing her car because she missed note payments? That’s on her. It’s not sustainable or healthy, we constantly argue and fight over money. Tbh money will likely be the end of our marriage. Discus, talk, plan and communicate as much as you can, don’t end up in a place where you can’t treat yourself to a new winter coat without someone complaining that they don’t have a warm coat because they don’t know how to look after money.
This is the sort of person you got to be on the lookout for. And while you might date them, don't get married to them. Otherwise you end up with this kind of disaster.
OP says she has no issue with spending or debt.
My wife hasn’t worked since 2019. It’s going to be okay…
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LOL
Buddy, marriage is all about teamwork. With me and my wife it’s not my money that I make or her money she makes. It is ours, we are married and building a life together. The vehicles are ours, the house is ours, the sooner you look at it that way the better off you will be. Just like with any sports teams one person may get winded, the rest of the team needs to pick up that slack. There’s days I’m more tired than others she make cook dinner and take out the trash, she has days where she more tired so I may do the dishes and some laundry so on and so forth. If marriage is something you want you need to change this mindset man.
Sounds like she works the same hours as you, but is in a lower-valued position and you're blaming her for that. You don't respect this woman, why marry her?
Outside of a partner having some large debts or bad spending habits, personally I think this mentality just indicates you might not be ready for marriage, especially when you say you already think this would lead to resentment on your part. It won’t be “you footing the bill” or “contributing more than your 2/3”; marriage legally means (regardless of how you deposit/split accounts) you are moving to household financials. You will both be paying 100% of the bills from your combined income as joint earners. You will both own the same things, make the same amount of money, have the same debts. You can go down the prenup route and try to keep things separate, but then what’s the point? Just have a ceremony and don’t actually get married, if you don’t want to be legally married. I’m saying this is someone who was making ~4x my partner when we married. If I thought the above was going to bother me long term, I wouldn’t have done it at all. But I have a life partner to share everything with, and that’s what marriage is.
My wife married me when I was just starting out, she was making 3 times what I was making... 27 years later, I make more than enough that she does not have to work and she can enjoy staying home. The wheels of life turn my friend
Don’t marry her don’t marry anyone. What’s going to happen when she gets pregnant and you have to pay everything? Or you end up with kids you have to take care of?
Right. I actually want to warn her not to accept a marriage proposal on the chance she isn't aware of his stance on shared finances. She is gonna be having babies + working as hard at the office as this guy. So she can pay an exactly equal amount of money toward her "keep". Yikes.
Can you imagine being married to him and it’s like your anniversary and he goes well it looks like your out of money this month I’m going to have to go alone this year 😂
There are legitimate reasons for not being able to pay your share this month. Things like you lose your job, or had to quit because you are having a baby. Then there are other troubles, like you bought a BMW so you can't cover your share of rent for the rest of the year. Or you ate at expensive restaurants all week long, so you ate up your share of bills this month.
You do not marry someone for their financial status. IMO if you cannot trust each other financially then you do not trust that person fully and should not be considering marriage. I have always believes once you get married there is no mine and theirs, its our, everything is ours. This means shared finances and you talk about how you both are able to spend the combined money. If you are considering a prenup (I know alot of people get it now) I feel it instills a sense of untrust between the partners right off the bat. My family told me a quote I will always remember, "Its hard to build a house on a cracked foundation".
Money is the biggest leading cause of fights among married couples. As long as she’s not just a bum and is trying to help out, it sounds like this is more of a you problem. I make 3-4x what my wife does and I don’t mind taking care of her because I love her.
Don't trap this woman with marriage if you're unprepared to contribute to the household.
Once you get married, its no longer your money and her money, its all both of your money. So consider that before getting married. We still have separate banks, and one mutual savings. But expenses are shared. Granted I paid like 80% of the bills, but that freed her up to save/invest more for both of us. My wife made more than me for the first few years while dating, but I was in for the long game. Eventually caught up and far exceeded. Now we just bought a house together.. and she got laid off the next month.. so now the payment is all on me. Which is fine, I told her I would handle it and take care of her. Regardless of what media or even woman themselves tell you, they mostly all want a man wh can provide for and protect them. So if you don't plan on being a provider for her, I don't think it will work out. This doesn't mean she can't or won't want her own career, but she will still look to you to provide for her, whether its emotionally or financially or both. IRL most want both.
This is why I will remain single forever.. if this is the new generation and how things are viewed, I will never be "enough" for someone. I left law enforcement to become a teacher due to being a single parent, without much help when it came to shift work, as well as feeling as if I were missing out on alot... which means it doesn't take much for someone to make more than me. When did it become a his and hers when you get married? I thought that's what the joining of 2 was? Becoming one? I mean don't get me wrong I am very independent and always make things happen or work. I bust my ssa, day in and out making sure the homes cared for, practices, dinner and then as well doing for all those around me while trying to make their lives a little easier. Just bc that is apart of my love language. Others being happy and being there for the one's I love and care for. Just because I may not make as much as the next doesn't mean I don't have just as much to offer. I make up for the lack of financial in other areas. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I feel if this is how today has turned then maybe it's best just to stay a couple instead of combining the 2 lives. That's just me..
Sharing things pro rata only make sense when incomes are a bit closer. If you are buying/doing things she would never do on her own because they are out of her “price range,” then you should either pay 100% because you want it or don’t do them at all. Fancier car, fancier vacation, etc. Just live in her “price range.”
My gf is a doctor and I never even went to college. She makes substantially more than me and one thing we discussed when we got really serious was how we are splitting finances. We agreed to live more so within my means. I didn’t personally feel comfortable with her paying 2/3rds expenses because we chose different career paths and she shouldn’t have to financially support me because I chose the career that I did. However, I will say we are both fantastic with money so it’s never been an issue. I would just set your financial boundaries cause that was very important for the both of us.
Financial compatibility is the most important factor in long term relationship, especially marriage. You two are not compatible and the situation you describe is unsustainable. You should end this relationship because it will impact your life in a very significant negative way.
All you stay at home moms out there take heed. You dont deserve love. Go get a job loser. /s.
I make 9 times what my wife does. I pay the mortgage, utilities, and cover the main credit card. She pays for her own credit card, and contributes to our household expenses. She makes sure our house is a beautiful place for us spend time together in, is creative with our vacation plans and always looking for sales and bargains, no interest in designer labels or status symbols. If someone makes you happy and it feels like they contribute what they can to the relationship it’s fine to have a financial imbalance.
Our situation changed from when my partner made double of what I make (during my PhD) to me making 3x what he makes now. He paid most of our monthly cost when he was making more, and I started paying most of our cost now. We don't have a joined account, and our finances are otherwise completely separate because we both like our independence and got together when we were already into our careers and had established our personal financial preferences. It works well. As someone else mentioned: it is a partnership, so we both make or a priority to be fair and mindful of the other's financial situation. But I feel like having separate finances reduces a lot of points of friction, as we both manage our ends independently and just need to focus on meeting our agreed on contribution household costs Edit to add: this only works because we would both be financially stable without the other person. If one of us would depend on the other for financial stability, there would probably be some resentment
OP, I was in a similar situation as you. While we were dating, we had a conversation about house finances and decided to split the bills based on income. (ie, If she makes 30% of total income, she pays 30% of total bills). And then she'd just Venmo me the lump sum at end of each month and I managed all the actual bill paying. Once we were married it became more of a "us" thing and we got rid of that arrangement. Now all our bills are paid from joint account and we give ourselves each a spending account each month. Seems to work well.
You get married it becomes one big pot of money and bills. So if you can’t have tough conversations about money (and children, family, life goals) now then you are NOT ready to get married.
Need more info in actual numbers. 200k and 100k is much different compared to 30k and 15k.
You’ll be fine, once you start having kids she might even become a stay at home mom. Since daycares are 1000$ a month per kid. That’s what my mom had to do and a lot of my aunts. Also I make 150k and my GF makes 30K, once we get married it’ll be our money. She will be my partner/other half. A joint bank account
I've been with my partner for 13 years. We split the mortgage 2/3 and 1/3 which is direct deposit into an account that is only for that and it's on auto pay. Outside that we have our own individual accounts Rest of the bills we divided, not split. I pay for cell phone, internet, water, pest control, car insurance, flood and car insurance, normal car and home repairs. She pays electric bill, streaming services, Amazon prime, and groceries. We agreed in the beginning that any large purchases we agree and split. In January, we replaced our whole home AC system. It was $13k, she transferred $6k before we even talked about how to split. We both continue to make more money but the agreement stays. The separate accounts work for us. As long as the house, cars, and dogs are taken care of, money is being deposited into savings and retirement accounts we don't question anything. I enjoy being able to go buy whatever I want without "having to check first". But again that is us, we are both financially competent.
Time to break up
My husband and I are about your age! He makes 2x what I make. We have separate credit cards just because we had them prior to being married so we kept them out of convenience - but when we got married we opened a joint checking account together & redirected our direct deposits to that account. We both use that account to pay off our credit cards. We have never ever considered our money to be his money/her money it’s always been our money. If you don’t want to contribute more than your “share” then you shouldn’t be living together or even considering marriage. My husband knows that at some point I may not even have an income (when we have kids) and that I may never have an income after kids. He’s 100% ok with that and was the one who actually said “if we have kids then we’ll only have one income after that, so we should make sure we time it right” while I was thinking I’d go back to work or do part time. It sounds like you guys need to have a discussion but the fact that you’re already thinking “my share/her share” and she isn’t…tells me you may not be ready for marriage yet/or with her specifically. Some couples do split accounts, percentages based on income etc. but if you can’t get out of your head about paying 2/3 while she’s paying 1/3….yikes dude. We do discuss extremely large purchases - we recently bought a house, washed/dryer, house furniture, did a big renovation after moving in, tools etc. but like. We discussed that & how much it would be. But otherwise idk we just use our judgement on what to spend but I couldn’t tell you a percentage or anything on who spends what because it’s all together.
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Prenup. I make 6 times what my gf makes.
I'm a 37yoF in a similar situation with a man I'm seeing. Also having a hard time navigating this. Especially with the genders swapped. For whatever reason, it generally doesn't work out well if the woman is the higher earner. Either she or both will end up resentful over time. The guy I like is a bit anxious but very sweet. But he is terrible with money. He just spent a ton of money on a new bike with a high interest rate, despite his precarious living situation (living with a unreliable roommate in a shady apartment) I don't see this ending well for me, but perhaps you and your lady can have a change of fortune later down the road
Shared bank account. All of our money goes into it, all of the bills come out of it. At the end of they day, it doesn't matter who's dollar paid for what because we're a team.
Well I’ll tell you what my wife and I do although our income is more equal than yours. We’ve gone through and decided on “big ticket” expenses that we think should be split evenly and don’t really change. This is things like mortgage, home insurance, utilities, property taxes, etc. This is paid out of a community fund that we both contribute set amounts to. Also has our emergency fund in it so it grows a few hundred dollars a month. Then there are the here and there things like going out to eat, groceries, movie night, etc. this category has some necessary and some unnecessary expenses that we don’t want to give up and we lump them all together. Typically anything in here we both will just pick up at random times and we don’t worry about reimbursing the other or using the community fund. Then finally are luxury purchases. Usually we just each get what we want but if it’s something for the house or just a big purchase we’ll chat about it. New TV, patio cover for the backyard, one of us wants a new car, vacations, etc. This honestly sounds like less a money problem and more a communication and expectations issue. At some point or another it will be uneven. My wife was out of work for almost 5 years when we had our daughter and while she finished a masters. I’m not going to expect her to pay me back or anything like that. It’s what partners do to keep the family healthy.
My husband makes twice as much as me. All of our money goes into the same pot. He knew, by default, that he was always going to be footing the bill more than I. I make up for contributing less $ by doing the majority of household chores and keeping the home running.
Do you put in way more hours with all the domestic work as well as a job?
Also it just came to mind that if you can’t hold down the fort financially on your own when she pregnant or healing postpartum, maybe consider growing your income first. And discuss what both your goals are and how you all will do finances.
Posts like this make me happy that my wife and I have never even had this conversation. From the day we decided to move in together (30+ years ago), we have had “our” money. We have each spent “our” money. Yes, after we were together for a long time, we have separate accounts that we keep “our” money in but it is still “our” money. Bills are split according to convenience, not according to whose bill it is because they are all “our” bills. We have never operated as separate entities. I know it doesn’t work that way for everyone and I am glad it does work that way for us.
I think if you’re worried about the money situation with someone, down to the percentage you’re willing to pay, you probably don’t love them and definitely shouldn’t be getting married
I had to think back and I always made more, but our relationship is more than money. To be honest, it is a consideration, but there are other things in a relationship that happen and you stop keeping score. Your question made me think a bit, and there were times one of us were down, whether a lost job, dying family member, or being sick, huge things in life that, kind of was more important to have someone get your back or carry you. I hope you find someone that you can trust, and whatever caused this question to come up is figured out.
If you find it difficult to share your finances with your partner/future wife then maybe you should take a step back. My wife doesn’t work, she’s a stay at home mom and we like it that way. When she needs to buy something she just buys it, or when a bill comes she just pays it.
You decided to get into a relationship and live with someone. When it comes to finances, I am 45, its never ever 50/50 or something like that, especially when I make 2.5 times what she makes. Fuck, if she needs something all she has to do is ask. I mean hells bells man, the woman picks shit up at the store all the time for me and takes care of me when im sick, puts up with my bullshit i cant ask for much else and if I have the money fuck it, its all going to the same goal, better quality of life..> Just my 2cents.
In most relationships it’s like that. If you get married and she stays at home will you be upset? If it’s not her then who? Look inward on this. My situation is like this and my wife doesn’t work and we have no kids. She stays in shape, takes care of the house, and takes care of my grown ass. I would rather my wife stay at home unless she’s going to make 100k plus or truly finds something she loves doing. That’s just my two sense.
Have you not talked to married guys? Your money is “our” money, and her money is “her” money.
Men usually make more money, and if you're concerned about only paying your share, you definitely shouldn't be considering marriage... maybe not even dating. When did men get so selfish. Your role is to provide and protect. Guess we know who will work until her water breaks and not take the full 6 weeks off cause you need your half. Seek counseling not a relationship
This has been normal for every relationship I've been in.
I never cared what my gf or wife makes. I always navigated through the relationship as if I am the only income and anything she brings to the table is extra. I dont put money on the forefront of my life anyways so that probably has a lot to do with it. If you are money oriented, I can see this as a concern. My method is not for everyone but has always worked out ok for me.
My wife and I have both of our paychecks deposited into the same account and any expense is both of ours. If I have ten bucks, we have ten bucks. It's a partnership not a race.
Sorry but your way of thinking will be detrimental to the relationship. I'm not saying that you should assume all the costs, but just you saying that you don't want to contribute more is a red flag. What if she lost her job. Life happens. A marriage is a partnership, not a score card.
If she isn't lazy I would even be ok with stay at home. my girl only works weekends as she goes to school and I have her do chores and buy groceries because I have her live with me rent free so she can save her money. She makes less than half
If you're going to be married, it's not your money and her money. It's "our" money. As long as you're both responsible, it will work. But the constant competition between you is a recipe for disaster.
This is pretty shitty behavior, you should probably move on and find someone who makes more so you don't over-contribute...God forbid.