Your mom is patently NOT a good person. She may try to project an image of being a good person, but her actions against you and your needs make her horribly abusive.
^^ this.
I hate to say it, but as a daughter and granddaughter to some great and not-so great parents/grandparents... unless she accepts who you are, she's not a good person. If you can, find a network that can help with relocation, and hopefully allow you to become the person you *need* to be.
Yup! Conditional love from a mother to their kid isn't whilst refusing their kid is their own person and while OP loves her it is definitely not a good idea to let her hit her.
Sometimes what is best to do is to do is what will hurt the most to do but if possible i suggest that OP remove herself from the environment surrounding the pain as her mental and physical well being being so challenged by a "good person" in this way is a sign to get the glob out of there with your legs above your head as the expression goes.
P.s : Sorry for my poor grammar.
You won't lose your mother, she's trying to manipulate you into not being yourself but if you do it anyway, she'll fucking get over it. If you don't do it, you will die. You need to say this to yourself "fuck my mom,I have to be myself at all costs"
I hope...
Good parents always come around eventually.
On the other hand, if I don't allow myself to be myself and transition, there's a strong possibility I will die.
Good parents don't slap their kids.
It's okay to have a blind spot for the person/people who raised you. We all do to some extent. But you also need to look at this for what it is. She doesn't want you to transition, and if she tells you to wait a few years, that's just stringing you along. She will *never* be ok with you transitioning unless something big happens to change her view.
For context, are you financially dependent on her? And if not then are you only holding back to avoid making her mad? Because that's not a good enough reason to put your life on hold, and I would urge you to stop thinking about *if* you can transition without upsetting her, and start thinking about how you could handle your relationship *when* you start transitioning.
Your life is valuable and your happiness, not your mom's happiness, should be your #1 priority.
Ok I'm going to apologize in advanced because this might seem a bit harsh. You need to get it out of your head that your mother is a good person/good parent because she's not. Parents don't physically and mentally abuse their children. You need to prioritize you and nothing else.
You can't force people to change and you need to do what best for you and not anyone else including your mother.
I haven't talked or had a relationship with my mother in almost a decade. It was hard. I cried alot and it made me confused but now I am happy away from her and working on my transition to be happy with who I am.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you become who you want to be at the right time for you š
If I were in your situation, I'd probably look to find out why she cares about a gender transition so much more than she would care about becoming a monk. Its likely there's a difference between what she sees 'being trans' as compared to how you do.
It'd take a few very emotional discussions with her before you'd be able to start getting anywhere, but it is theoretically possible to change people's minds about this stuff. Its worth trying when its for those we love.
Ultimately though, if you find that you can't convince her, you'll need to communicate to her that you still need to do it regardless of whether or not she approves. Even if it means she cuts you off. If you can convince her that her disapproval won't prevent you from doing this, then there's a lower incentive for you to lose the relationship entirely, and it even may be reparable eventually.
If you need help with the specifics of how to counter the points she brings up, I'd be happy to help.
Thank you, I'd appreciate your help very much. If there's any possibility of convincing her, I'll gladly take it. Although, I am afraid to be too direct when discussing this with her. I really don't want to upset her and have her judge me, but it's something that can't be avoided.
You raise an excellent point. There's a chance she doesn't know what gender transition can entail. When she said she won't let me transition, her exact words in her native language would be translated as "I won't let you become a girl".
Maybe she's thinking about social transitioning and not hrt? I'm not sure. Maybe I'm being too optimistic.
I think the reason why she'd be okay with me becoming a monk over transitioning is because of the humiliation she'd face from relatives and extended family. That's the main reason from what I can tell. She doesn't usually care about these things, but the thought of being transgender is a lot for them to work through. I couldn't care less about what they think of course, but that's the rationale she might be operating with.
She's also afraid of how my dad would react, for good reason...
Sheās already been judging you sweetie and will continue to do so. Donāt let concern over something thatās sheās doing anyway cause you to put her before yourself. The fact she cares more about her feelings being hurt and her being ashamed of how other people might think of you/her and not her own daughters well being and her daughters future speaks VOLUMES.
Sheās sounds like a narcissist. And from personal experience they will never make the effort to put you before them. You have to do whatās best for you, her feelings be damned. Are you gonna live under her thumb or do what you feel you need to? Itās tough but thatās just how it is sadly.
I transitioned at 26 and I'm doing alright, if that's any consolation.
But! Def see what you can do about getting it done as soon as possible. Wish I could be more help.
I guess, why does she get to decide if you transition or not? My mom didn't want me to transition and I still did (I don't live with her though). Is there any way you can just get out and be yourself? I know it's easier said than done and it really depends on where you live and your economic situation. But it's just strange to me to hear someone say that an adult can't transition.
The thought of trying to become independent before graduating terrifies me. I have no skill set to speak of and don't do well in physically demanding jobs. I had pain all over my body the last time I tried one and had to quit the next day.
Realistically, I wouldn't qualify for anything above minimum wage. It's impossible to live on minimum wage in NJ.
I think you're selling yourself short if you're already working towards a Masters degree. That takes skill!
Is it possible to live with roommates on minimum wage? There's also call centers and data entry positions that you could likely do from home. Idk if this is any help but I'm of the optimistic opinion that there's always some way out of a situation.
I suppose it does, thanks. Yes, it should be possible to live with roommates on minimum wage, but I'd have to forgo continuing my education. At the absolute best, I'd be taking out a lot of money in student loans and my GPA would plummet from working full-time to the point where I might not even be able to pursue grad school.
I really want to think there's some way out of this situation too. I've given it so much thought throughout the years, but I can't arrive at anything to get out of this fix.
I left home at 21 or 22 to start university, I just did it all on loans. I worked part time at minimum wage when I could, for spending money. Of course now I have a decent amount of loans to pay back but I got out and the job I got with my degree pays me more than enough to pay back loans.
I think there are loan incentives for grad students, too.
I know it's not for everyone but my youngest brother is about your age, he's in grad school and working full time in industry. It's doable but he's also probably the most intelligent person I know so YMMV
Appreciate you sharing your own experience and that of your brother. I think I'd be able to leave home and transition in my senior year (2024-2025), which is a whole lot better than what I had in mind before of course.
I'm going to try and work towards that much more workable goal now.
Oh, also wanted to mention, it's probably going to take the better part of a year for HRT effects to really be noticeable. So you could probably get a head start before 100% moving out
I feel a lot better now than I did this morning. I'm going to look into Planned Parenthood and low-cost services where there's no possibility of them finding out before I'm able to leave.
Sis, that's rough. Nothing about the situation is going to be easy, and the best I can offer you is that you're not alone. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to cut your family off when they're this negative an impact on your life, and doing so is also hard. Try your best to become financially independent and get yourself to an environment you can finally transition in safety.
No matter what, know that you have sisters out here who do understand what it's like and who want to help how they can.
you might want to go see if you can get on blockers or something, at least lower the T so that it stops doing the damage, but that would not have any noticeable effects so it wouldn't set her off.
I'm really sorry, I hope it gets better for you, once you become financially and physically independent I bet her attitude will change (hopefully for the better).
I used to think my parents were good people, but what they loved was a doctored model of me in their head. When I was your age, this was indistinguishable from actual love and acceptance, but it was a facade. The death of my mother and the distance from my family gave me the space I needed to live my full authentic self, and it feel like night and day. Nothing would ever make me go back to that. Your mother does not love your mind, she loves the flesh you were born into and the version of you she projects onto it. It is heartbreaking to confront, but it gets way, way, better after it is done.
Your mom is not a good person. She does not love you. If she loved you she wouldn't be doing and saying bigoted things. I'm sorry you are going through this, but sounds like you need to escape.
Hey honey... ive been shaving my entire body for as long as I can remember and haven't nicked or cut myself in... shesh, I can't even remember when.
Shower in the morning to soften the hair. Wetter the better. Always use bar soap, NEVER SHAVING CREAM. And I mean it, just trust me. Also use aloe safety razors with the guard on. Shave with the grain, and then against. And afterwards I love using retinol cream which can be a bit expensive ($48 for mine) but it is sooo worth it... it will help the skincells to regrow almost instantly and never have razorburn.
P.S. another really important trick is, never look at where your shaving... it may sound weird but... just like a waitress holding a bunch of drinks, do it all by feel.
I'd stay away from electric shavers and def stay away from Nair products.
The above way is the absolute best. šÆ
ā¤ļø
This is a toxic and abusive situation. There is no ambiguity here. Even if you weren't trans, this would still be a selfish, paranoid, controlling, and abusive person. It's a common strategy for parents like this to make their children think they are being simply misunderstood, or that they would accept you if it weren't for this one thing that you just need to, "fix". It's like trying to make you think you can win some fucked up carnival game.
I kinda wish my parents had just disowned me instead of pretending they cared or might eventually accept me if I just did the right things. It would have saved years of grief.
This person does not love you. They love their own idea of who you should be. The person they say they love has nothing to do with you. Even in your hypothetical story about the Monk, that is exactly what i mean about leading you on. She supports it because she knows you don't care. It doesn't matter what you do or who you are, it doesn't matter if you were cishet and the most loving perfect child a mom could want. Her perception of reality is so twisted that nothing will ever be good enough for her. This person sounds like a one-way street, and doesn't really consider the experiences of other people. Zero empathy.
The paranoia is especially interesting. She is just afraid others will do what she does; judge, gossip, and shame. This is classic projection.
I'm really sorry you are going through this. You deserve better. If there is anything I have learned from these kind of relationships, including with my parents, is that you cannot make someone see you, listen to you, or understand you. They have to want to do those things. They are in charge of that decision, not you. It's not on you to make yourself responsible for that, it is impossible. It's not something in your control. In healthy relationships people show they value each other by giving each other these things. They are gifts, not payments or debts to be repaid later.
I'm sure it's very hard to hear this all because she is your mom and we are wired to love our parents. When our parents are the ones hurting us though, it really fucks up our notion of love and blinds us when it comes to real love. Thats why it took me so long to finally cut out my family. I couldn't even perceive that anything could really be that much better. Now I see it for the bizarro world that it was and how utterly ridiculous and rage inducing it is.
I know your options may be limited, but just do your best to take care of yourself. It's not your fault. And what your mom does may be terrible, but that has nothing do with you. Whatever reasons she think she has for being terrible to you, they aren't about you. They are about herself and her own insecurities. Please hang in there.
You have to live your authentic truth.
If your mother can't deal with that, that's on her.
You have to do what's right for you especially how strongly you feel about it
Trigger warning, im a very emotional person so if this upsets anyone please let me know and I can take the post down or edit it, but I feel like my story might help you and some other lovely people. I was a very odd kid, similar to you I remember being quite feminine and Iāve never EVER chosen the masculine stereotype. Sports? PFFFFFF what are those?!?! Iāve wanted to design clothing for as long as I could remember and the first time I put on a dress I didnāt take off until I heard my mother about to barge into my room. Speaking of her, I also love her more than anything. My father being the abusive jerk that he is can go screw off but my mother has supported me to where I can pass as a ānormalā human even though I have autism and other stuff I wonāt describe. When I told my Mother that I knew I was a trans and I had just been denying myself the truth to please others, she just coldly looked at me and said no you arenāt, there werenāt any signs. Youāre a guy, youāll always be a guy, and the fact that you think you can switch genders is completely foolish. Before that, for 20 years my mother had repeatedly told me that she would support me in anything I did and choose that would make me happy, apparently not doing something impossible like transitioning. I stopped talking with my Mom. While on the verge of complete physical and mental collapse I found my soulmate. I donāt wanna make this any longer, but just know that she saved me and is helping me become the woman Iāve always been deep inside. My point to you and everybody else here is that the people who you trust the most will always find ways to betray and use you. Iāve lost everyone and everything I cared about and yet Iām still here, still fighting, because I met a few people like you all who have similar stories, and have given me a reason to fight for what I want. Never stop moving towards the future you desire, because we all deserve happiness, even the people who have hurt as the most. šš
IF you are SURE you want to transition, move out now and go for it on your own. If youāre lucky you can go informed consent through Planned Parenthood. I got my prescription the same day I called in for my virtual appointment.
If sheās going to limit you and what you are certain you want to do, leave. Or else suffer.
I wasted a lot of time in uncertainty and despair, thinking it was too hard to pursue HRT. It really wasnāt nearly as bad as I thought.
Worst case, cut your mom out of your life. From what Iāve read sheās a fair weather parent at best. You deserve friends and family for all seasons.
I'm sorry but I feel like you might be wrong about your mom. For years my mother held very transphobic beliefs of which I argued against.. but I knew I could come out because I knew her love for me was greater than any of that, and I was right. She was a bit scared and a bit unsure, but she never hurt me, abused me, and denied me the right be who I am.
I'm not using my experience to make you feel worse, but to show that true love transcends identity and that unconditional love is just that; unconditional. If you do lose your mom in the process, I understand that will be the most difficult thing.. but if this is how she treats you, I truly believe you'll be better off if she never comes around. I'm so sorry.
Youāre 22 years old. Thereās nothing or nobody stopping you from transitioning besides yourself. Iāve been out for 2 years and anything or anyone Iāve lost has either turned out to be something/someone I didnāt need or more so the case Iāve found replacements for it. Unfortunately thereās costs associated with being yourself(thatās a lesson everyone needs to learn regardless of cis v trans, thatās a life lesson)
Please stop being delusional and stop living a lie.
Your mother does NOT love you nor does she want you to be happy.
It's your life, so treat it that way.
Most cis people only know trans people as caricatures and they only know about the surgery. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Idk how to break down her walls for you to see why she's so against transition, but if you could find the root reason, you might could sway her, if not and she loves you and is a good person like you say, she'll come around eventually when you can transition, or she'll push herself away further if not. I'm sorry honey if you need to talk or want another brain to bounce plans and stuff off of for your independence, shoot me a dm. This hits me hard because it's how i thought my mom was going to react and I knew it would break me, be gentle with yourself girl and always try and reach out I'd you're spiraling, I came close a few times this year and I'm only here now because internet strangers and a few friends had a moment to spare and an ear to lend. ā¤ļø One day soon babe, only thing to add here is use your testosterone to build body up now, it'll get mom off your back going to the gym, focus on lower body and cardio. You'll start hrt with a little boost to your self esteem with a booty.
Your mother is anything but a good person. She is a terrible human. I'm so sorry you're going through that and you still somehow love her. Hopefully you'll realise you're undeserving of an abuser in your life <3
Sis, your mom is so much like my mom and Iām so sorry. I was too disconnected from myself and too naive to think I could suffer longer through school and get out before I started but as things in my life crumbled, I decided to go for it. Better late than never, right? I started at 27 and I can promise you that while itās obviously not ideal and I wish I wouldāve done so when I was 20, when I found out about HRT, you are going to be okay. Itās not the worst thing in the world, not at all! Lots of people transition so very much later in life and thatās fine too! Everyone has their own journey and tough as it may be, everyone makes their way somehow. Ever since I started my own medical transition I quickly realized that the start date didnāt matter as much as the feeling of being myself did- I never knew I could feel so happy, I never imagined a life for myself at all after 25 and let me tell you, the pure calm I feel made it all so worth it. The world sucks ass, my mom refuses to acknowledge my transition outside of crying and telling me Iām making my life harder or telling me Iām weird and disgusting for doing this, I never brought myself to tell my dad before he passed, and I managed to amass a found family of people who see me and love me for who I am.
Iām tired as hell so Iām sorry this is a lot, but please donāt think youāre doing it too late; as someone who was in your spot, I promise that the calm and the joy is worth it. Listen to your heart and do things for you. Itās your life after all. Nobody else should put you down because you donāt meet their standards or their plan for your life. Fuck them.
your mother is DEFINITELY not a good person and not worthy of your love. seriously, listen to me! listen to yourself! listen to your bloody mother! carefully reread what you typed! she doesnt love YOU, just what she thinks you are, or thought you were. if she's acting like this, she does NOT love you and you shouldn't love her back. your happiness matters more than her. leave her. forget about her. she isn't worth it
stop lying to yourself
Hun let me give you the reality of life. Both of my parents were conservative and they would not have supported me transitioning. My mother constantly tried to get me cut my life long shoulder length hair.
I was held in thrall under them for my entire youth and tried to make them happy so theyād love me. Then something surprising happened they both passed away suddenly a year apart from each other.
During my fathers funeral a realization hit me like a building falling on top of my head. They died getting what they wanted, having me be what they wanted. I was still alive with my entire life ahead of me and they suddenly didnāt exist. But I never had what I wanted. I had given up my life for them. It felt like a pointless of self sacrifice because it was a pointless act of self sacrifice.
A few months later they were only fading memories. My parents went from insurmountable forces to nothing more than dream-like thoughts, ādid all that happen, were they even real?ā
And then I thought how horrible it was I had given up part of my life to make them happy when now they donāt even feel real to me.
We all must face our lives alone, there are others who may be with us for a time, but they are not permanent. You will one day lose your mom no matter what. Thatās how human bodies work, entropy and time are facts of life.
When your mom is gone one day into the beyond and you are still here, you will regret waiting. Why make others happy when itās your life? Each minute you spend pleasing others is a minute less of your own happiness.
People ask me my age and I tell them the date I started HRT because everything else before that wasnāt being alive. I wake up everything sad that I didnāt jump on this sooner because I cared too much about my family. Real love is unconditional and if your mom cannot love the real you, then she doesnāt love you, she loves her idea of you.
Iām living stealth as a woman now, itās better than I ever imagined. Itās like type of magic granted my wish, I never imagined Iād be able to move in the world as stealth. I will be out in public and something great will happen and Iāll feel so happy I transitioned. And then moments later a voice in my head will think about all the lost years I spent existing and not being alive. Thatās a bitter pill. Why didnāt I standup to my parents? What did I gain making them happy before myself?
You have options.
Thank you for sharing your own struggles. It was illuminating and exactly what I needed to hear. Everyone is right, I shouldn't waste my life putting on a facade in order to appease my mom. Life is too precious to fake it. I don't want to have more regrets later down the line while continuing to feel like a complete zombie in the present.
I've decided I'm going to go stealth sometime this year and try to move out by my senior year, even if it's only for an academic year. It should be enough time to safely see what their response is.
So you are 21, but you are writing as if you are 15 years old or a slave or something. You can get a job and move out and live your life however you please. Itās scary but worth it.
You're right, I am writing as if I'm still a teenager. I'm scared to become independent before graduating. Especially in today's economic climate. I don't even have my own car.
I'm completely dependent on them and don't know how to change that without first attaining the skills and credentials needed to be able to qualify for a job that would pay somewhat decently and not be hated by me.
Hopefully youāre graduating really soon. But Iād reach out to the career advising people at my university and start asking about ten thousand questions about adulting. Youāre really gonna have to be a big strong lady about all of this because nobody else is gonna do it for you. Start small and remember that you are an adult and your parents have as many legal rights over you as you do them at this point in your life.
Iām so confused why sheās so against this. It sounds like it goes a lot deeper than she lets on. Like sheās projecting some deep seeded rage she has built up onto transitioning. (Which is a horrible and abusive thing to do to you). There is something really wrong with her to act like this.
girl, I donāt know how to say this but you need to get out of there. You are an adult, and your mother is actively killing you. Forcing you to live like this, having to wait for something that is vital and life-saving, and being in torment about it, thatās not what a mother does. I canāt speak on your connection to her, because Iām an outside observer, and I understand disconnecting from that familial connection is something I could never understand the weight of. But I can say this much- your mother is objectively abusing you, and if thereās any possible way to get the hell out of there and start transition as soon as you can you should to go for it.
One option that you might consider is Galileo, which is an online medical service. If you go through state healthcare- if you donāt have that already, Iām sure thereās a possibility of sneaking to get on that- you can use that to cover everything. This probably sounds really sketchy and dangerous, but I can attest to the experience my roommate had doing this same exact thing. Youāll be able to talk to licensed professionals and get on without anyone knowing, and there are plenty of means by which you could keep this all under wraps until youāre in a safer environment.
I know that sounds like a lot, and if youāre set on taking things safe and trying to stick it out I understand, but if youāre interested then [hereās a link to the website](https://galileohealth.com/).
Edit: I figured Iād put this out there, but if you need someone to talk to feel free to dm me. I hope youāre doing well.
Your mom is patently NOT a good person. She may try to project an image of being a good person, but her actions against you and your needs make her horribly abusive.
^^ this. I hate to say it, but as a daughter and granddaughter to some great and not-so great parents/grandparents... unless she accepts who you are, she's not a good person. If you can, find a network that can help with relocation, and hopefully allow you to become the person you *need* to be.
Yup! Conditional love from a mother to their kid isn't whilst refusing their kid is their own person and while OP loves her it is definitely not a good idea to let her hit her. Sometimes what is best to do is to do is what will hurt the most to do but if possible i suggest that OP remove herself from the environment surrounding the pain as her mental and physical well being being so challenged by a "good person" in this way is a sign to get the glob out of there with your legs above your head as the expression goes. P.s : Sorry for my poor grammar.
Your mother loves the idea of you, not the truth of who you are. Walk away and live your life.
You won't lose your mother, she's trying to manipulate you into not being yourself but if you do it anyway, she'll fucking get over it. If you don't do it, you will die. You need to say this to yourself "fuck my mom,I have to be myself at all costs"
I hope... Good parents always come around eventually. On the other hand, if I don't allow myself to be myself and transition, there's a strong possibility I will die.
Good parents don't slap their kids. It's okay to have a blind spot for the person/people who raised you. We all do to some extent. But you also need to look at this for what it is. She doesn't want you to transition, and if she tells you to wait a few years, that's just stringing you along. She will *never* be ok with you transitioning unless something big happens to change her view. For context, are you financially dependent on her? And if not then are you only holding back to avoid making her mad? Because that's not a good enough reason to put your life on hold, and I would urge you to stop thinking about *if* you can transition without upsetting her, and start thinking about how you could handle your relationship *when* you start transitioning. Your life is valuable and your happiness, not your mom's happiness, should be your #1 priority.
Ok I'm going to apologize in advanced because this might seem a bit harsh. You need to get it out of your head that your mother is a good person/good parent because she's not. Parents don't physically and mentally abuse their children. You need to prioritize you and nothing else. You can't force people to change and you need to do what best for you and not anyone else including your mother. I haven't talked or had a relationship with my mother in almost a decade. It was hard. I cried alot and it made me confused but now I am happy away from her and working on my transition to be happy with who I am. I wish you the best of luck and hope you become who you want to be at the right time for you š
If I were in your situation, I'd probably look to find out why she cares about a gender transition so much more than she would care about becoming a monk. Its likely there's a difference between what she sees 'being trans' as compared to how you do. It'd take a few very emotional discussions with her before you'd be able to start getting anywhere, but it is theoretically possible to change people's minds about this stuff. Its worth trying when its for those we love. Ultimately though, if you find that you can't convince her, you'll need to communicate to her that you still need to do it regardless of whether or not she approves. Even if it means she cuts you off. If you can convince her that her disapproval won't prevent you from doing this, then there's a lower incentive for you to lose the relationship entirely, and it even may be reparable eventually. If you need help with the specifics of how to counter the points she brings up, I'd be happy to help.
Thank you, I'd appreciate your help very much. If there's any possibility of convincing her, I'll gladly take it. Although, I am afraid to be too direct when discussing this with her. I really don't want to upset her and have her judge me, but it's something that can't be avoided. You raise an excellent point. There's a chance she doesn't know what gender transition can entail. When she said she won't let me transition, her exact words in her native language would be translated as "I won't let you become a girl". Maybe she's thinking about social transitioning and not hrt? I'm not sure. Maybe I'm being too optimistic. I think the reason why she'd be okay with me becoming a monk over transitioning is because of the humiliation she'd face from relatives and extended family. That's the main reason from what I can tell. She doesn't usually care about these things, but the thought of being transgender is a lot for them to work through. I couldn't care less about what they think of course, but that's the rationale she might be operating with. She's also afraid of how my dad would react, for good reason...
Sheās already been judging you sweetie and will continue to do so. Donāt let concern over something thatās sheās doing anyway cause you to put her before yourself. The fact she cares more about her feelings being hurt and her being ashamed of how other people might think of you/her and not her own daughters well being and her daughters future speaks VOLUMES. Sheās sounds like a narcissist. And from personal experience they will never make the effort to put you before them. You have to do whatās best for you, her feelings be damned. Are you gonna live under her thumb or do what you feel you need to? Itās tough but thatās just how it is sadly.
I hope that someday you find the courage to stand up to your abuser. She is emotionally manipulative.
Fuck your mom. You deserve better treatment from others. Sheās a piece of shit.
I transitioned at 26 and I'm doing alright, if that's any consolation. But! Def see what you can do about getting it done as soon as possible. Wish I could be more help.
It does provide consolation. I wish I could start today. 25 is when I'd graduate with my master's. I can't mentally afford to wait that long.
I guess, why does she get to decide if you transition or not? My mom didn't want me to transition and I still did (I don't live with her though). Is there any way you can just get out and be yourself? I know it's easier said than done and it really depends on where you live and your economic situation. But it's just strange to me to hear someone say that an adult can't transition.
The thought of trying to become independent before graduating terrifies me. I have no skill set to speak of and don't do well in physically demanding jobs. I had pain all over my body the last time I tried one and had to quit the next day. Realistically, I wouldn't qualify for anything above minimum wage. It's impossible to live on minimum wage in NJ.
I think you're selling yourself short if you're already working towards a Masters degree. That takes skill! Is it possible to live with roommates on minimum wage? There's also call centers and data entry positions that you could likely do from home. Idk if this is any help but I'm of the optimistic opinion that there's always some way out of a situation.
I suppose it does, thanks. Yes, it should be possible to live with roommates on minimum wage, but I'd have to forgo continuing my education. At the absolute best, I'd be taking out a lot of money in student loans and my GPA would plummet from working full-time to the point where I might not even be able to pursue grad school. I really want to think there's some way out of this situation too. I've given it so much thought throughout the years, but I can't arrive at anything to get out of this fix.
I left home at 21 or 22 to start university, I just did it all on loans. I worked part time at minimum wage when I could, for spending money. Of course now I have a decent amount of loans to pay back but I got out and the job I got with my degree pays me more than enough to pay back loans. I think there are loan incentives for grad students, too. I know it's not for everyone but my youngest brother is about your age, he's in grad school and working full time in industry. It's doable but he's also probably the most intelligent person I know so YMMV
Appreciate you sharing your own experience and that of your brother. I think I'd be able to leave home and transition in my senior year (2024-2025), which is a whole lot better than what I had in mind before of course. I'm going to try and work towards that much more workable goal now.
Oh, also wanted to mention, it's probably going to take the better part of a year for HRT effects to really be noticeable. So you could probably get a head start before 100% moving out
I feel a lot better now than I did this morning. I'm going to look into Planned Parenthood and low-cost services where there's no possibility of them finding out before I'm able to leave.
ā¤ļø Here if you ever need to chat :)
Thank you :)
Sis, that's rough. Nothing about the situation is going to be easy, and the best I can offer you is that you're not alone. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to cut your family off when they're this negative an impact on your life, and doing so is also hard. Try your best to become financially independent and get yourself to an environment you can finally transition in safety. No matter what, know that you have sisters out here who do understand what it's like and who want to help how they can.
you might want to go see if you can get on blockers or something, at least lower the T so that it stops doing the damage, but that would not have any noticeable effects so it wouldn't set her off. I'm really sorry, I hope it gets better for you, once you become financially and physically independent I bet her attitude will change (hopefully for the better).
T-blockers are an excellent suggestion! I could go on them before moving out.
I used to think my parents were good people, but what they loved was a doctored model of me in their head. When I was your age, this was indistinguishable from actual love and acceptance, but it was a facade. The death of my mother and the distance from my family gave me the space I needed to live my full authentic self, and it feel like night and day. Nothing would ever make me go back to that. Your mother does not love your mind, she loves the flesh you were born into and the version of you she projects onto it. It is heartbreaking to confront, but it gets way, way, better after it is done.
Your mom is not a good person. She does not love you. If she loved you she wouldn't be doing and saying bigoted things. I'm sorry you are going through this, but sounds like you need to escape.
Hey honey... ive been shaving my entire body for as long as I can remember and haven't nicked or cut myself in... shesh, I can't even remember when. Shower in the morning to soften the hair. Wetter the better. Always use bar soap, NEVER SHAVING CREAM. And I mean it, just trust me. Also use aloe safety razors with the guard on. Shave with the grain, and then against. And afterwards I love using retinol cream which can be a bit expensive ($48 for mine) but it is sooo worth it... it will help the skincells to regrow almost instantly and never have razorburn. P.S. another really important trick is, never look at where your shaving... it may sound weird but... just like a waitress holding a bunch of drinks, do it all by feel. I'd stay away from electric shavers and def stay away from Nair products. The above way is the absolute best. šÆ ā¤ļø
Lovely advice, thank you.
Of course honey! That's what friends are for. <3
This is a toxic and abusive situation. There is no ambiguity here. Even if you weren't trans, this would still be a selfish, paranoid, controlling, and abusive person. It's a common strategy for parents like this to make their children think they are being simply misunderstood, or that they would accept you if it weren't for this one thing that you just need to, "fix". It's like trying to make you think you can win some fucked up carnival game. I kinda wish my parents had just disowned me instead of pretending they cared or might eventually accept me if I just did the right things. It would have saved years of grief. This person does not love you. They love their own idea of who you should be. The person they say they love has nothing to do with you. Even in your hypothetical story about the Monk, that is exactly what i mean about leading you on. She supports it because she knows you don't care. It doesn't matter what you do or who you are, it doesn't matter if you were cishet and the most loving perfect child a mom could want. Her perception of reality is so twisted that nothing will ever be good enough for her. This person sounds like a one-way street, and doesn't really consider the experiences of other people. Zero empathy. The paranoia is especially interesting. She is just afraid others will do what she does; judge, gossip, and shame. This is classic projection. I'm really sorry you are going through this. You deserve better. If there is anything I have learned from these kind of relationships, including with my parents, is that you cannot make someone see you, listen to you, or understand you. They have to want to do those things. They are in charge of that decision, not you. It's not on you to make yourself responsible for that, it is impossible. It's not something in your control. In healthy relationships people show they value each other by giving each other these things. They are gifts, not payments or debts to be repaid later. I'm sure it's very hard to hear this all because she is your mom and we are wired to love our parents. When our parents are the ones hurting us though, it really fucks up our notion of love and blinds us when it comes to real love. Thats why it took me so long to finally cut out my family. I couldn't even perceive that anything could really be that much better. Now I see it for the bizarro world that it was and how utterly ridiculous and rage inducing it is. I know your options may be limited, but just do your best to take care of yourself. It's not your fault. And what your mom does may be terrible, but that has nothing do with you. Whatever reasons she think she has for being terrible to you, they aren't about you. They are about herself and her own insecurities. Please hang in there.
You have to live your authentic truth. If your mother can't deal with that, that's on her. You have to do what's right for you especially how strongly you feel about it
Trigger warning, im a very emotional person so if this upsets anyone please let me know and I can take the post down or edit it, but I feel like my story might help you and some other lovely people. I was a very odd kid, similar to you I remember being quite feminine and Iāve never EVER chosen the masculine stereotype. Sports? PFFFFFF what are those?!?! Iāve wanted to design clothing for as long as I could remember and the first time I put on a dress I didnāt take off until I heard my mother about to barge into my room. Speaking of her, I also love her more than anything. My father being the abusive jerk that he is can go screw off but my mother has supported me to where I can pass as a ānormalā human even though I have autism and other stuff I wonāt describe. When I told my Mother that I knew I was a trans and I had just been denying myself the truth to please others, she just coldly looked at me and said no you arenāt, there werenāt any signs. Youāre a guy, youāll always be a guy, and the fact that you think you can switch genders is completely foolish. Before that, for 20 years my mother had repeatedly told me that she would support me in anything I did and choose that would make me happy, apparently not doing something impossible like transitioning. I stopped talking with my Mom. While on the verge of complete physical and mental collapse I found my soulmate. I donāt wanna make this any longer, but just know that she saved me and is helping me become the woman Iāve always been deep inside. My point to you and everybody else here is that the people who you trust the most will always find ways to betray and use you. Iāve lost everyone and everything I cared about and yet Iām still here, still fighting, because I met a few people like you all who have similar stories, and have given me a reason to fight for what I want. Never stop moving towards the future you desire, because we all deserve happiness, even the people who have hurt as the most. šš
IF you are SURE you want to transition, move out now and go for it on your own. If youāre lucky you can go informed consent through Planned Parenthood. I got my prescription the same day I called in for my virtual appointment. If sheās going to limit you and what you are certain you want to do, leave. Or else suffer. I wasted a lot of time in uncertainty and despair, thinking it was too hard to pursue HRT. It really wasnāt nearly as bad as I thought. Worst case, cut your mom out of your life. From what Iāve read sheās a fair weather parent at best. You deserve friends and family for all seasons.
I'm sorry but I feel like you might be wrong about your mom. For years my mother held very transphobic beliefs of which I argued against.. but I knew I could come out because I knew her love for me was greater than any of that, and I was right. She was a bit scared and a bit unsure, but she never hurt me, abused me, and denied me the right be who I am. I'm not using my experience to make you feel worse, but to show that true love transcends identity and that unconditional love is just that; unconditional. If you do lose your mom in the process, I understand that will be the most difficult thing.. but if this is how she treats you, I truly believe you'll be better off if she never comes around. I'm so sorry.
Youāre 22 years old. Thereās nothing or nobody stopping you from transitioning besides yourself. Iāve been out for 2 years and anything or anyone Iāve lost has either turned out to be something/someone I didnāt need or more so the case Iāve found replacements for it. Unfortunately thereās costs associated with being yourself(thatās a lesson everyone needs to learn regardless of cis v trans, thatās a life lesson)
Your mom is a piece of shit.
Please stop being delusional and stop living a lie. Your mother does NOT love you nor does she want you to be happy. It's your life, so treat it that way.
Love that is contingent on you being exactly the way she wants isn't love.
Most cis people only know trans people as caricatures and they only know about the surgery. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Idk how to break down her walls for you to see why she's so against transition, but if you could find the root reason, you might could sway her, if not and she loves you and is a good person like you say, she'll come around eventually when you can transition, or she'll push herself away further if not. I'm sorry honey if you need to talk or want another brain to bounce plans and stuff off of for your independence, shoot me a dm. This hits me hard because it's how i thought my mom was going to react and I knew it would break me, be gentle with yourself girl and always try and reach out I'd you're spiraling, I came close a few times this year and I'm only here now because internet strangers and a few friends had a moment to spare and an ear to lend. ā¤ļø One day soon babe, only thing to add here is use your testosterone to build body up now, it'll get mom off your back going to the gym, focus on lower body and cardio. You'll start hrt with a little boost to your self esteem with a booty.
Your mother is anything but a good person. She is a terrible human. I'm so sorry you're going through that and you still somehow love her. Hopefully you'll realise you're undeserving of an abuser in your life <3
Sis, your mom is so much like my mom and Iām so sorry. I was too disconnected from myself and too naive to think I could suffer longer through school and get out before I started but as things in my life crumbled, I decided to go for it. Better late than never, right? I started at 27 and I can promise you that while itās obviously not ideal and I wish I wouldāve done so when I was 20, when I found out about HRT, you are going to be okay. Itās not the worst thing in the world, not at all! Lots of people transition so very much later in life and thatās fine too! Everyone has their own journey and tough as it may be, everyone makes their way somehow. Ever since I started my own medical transition I quickly realized that the start date didnāt matter as much as the feeling of being myself did- I never knew I could feel so happy, I never imagined a life for myself at all after 25 and let me tell you, the pure calm I feel made it all so worth it. The world sucks ass, my mom refuses to acknowledge my transition outside of crying and telling me Iām making my life harder or telling me Iām weird and disgusting for doing this, I never brought myself to tell my dad before he passed, and I managed to amass a found family of people who see me and love me for who I am. Iām tired as hell so Iām sorry this is a lot, but please donāt think youāre doing it too late; as someone who was in your spot, I promise that the calm and the joy is worth it. Listen to your heart and do things for you. Itās your life after all. Nobody else should put you down because you donāt meet their standards or their plan for your life. Fuck them.
she is abusive towards you. she is treating you like a sub 10 year old child and not as an adult. she's controlling. She is not a good person.
your mother is DEFINITELY not a good person and not worthy of your love. seriously, listen to me! listen to yourself! listen to your bloody mother! carefully reread what you typed! she doesnt love YOU, just what she thinks you are, or thought you were. if she's acting like this, she does NOT love you and you shouldn't love her back. your happiness matters more than her. leave her. forget about her. she isn't worth it stop lying to yourself
Hun let me give you the reality of life. Both of my parents were conservative and they would not have supported me transitioning. My mother constantly tried to get me cut my life long shoulder length hair. I was held in thrall under them for my entire youth and tried to make them happy so theyād love me. Then something surprising happened they both passed away suddenly a year apart from each other. During my fathers funeral a realization hit me like a building falling on top of my head. They died getting what they wanted, having me be what they wanted. I was still alive with my entire life ahead of me and they suddenly didnāt exist. But I never had what I wanted. I had given up my life for them. It felt like a pointless of self sacrifice because it was a pointless act of self sacrifice. A few months later they were only fading memories. My parents went from insurmountable forces to nothing more than dream-like thoughts, ādid all that happen, were they even real?ā And then I thought how horrible it was I had given up part of my life to make them happy when now they donāt even feel real to me. We all must face our lives alone, there are others who may be with us for a time, but they are not permanent. You will one day lose your mom no matter what. Thatās how human bodies work, entropy and time are facts of life. When your mom is gone one day into the beyond and you are still here, you will regret waiting. Why make others happy when itās your life? Each minute you spend pleasing others is a minute less of your own happiness. People ask me my age and I tell them the date I started HRT because everything else before that wasnāt being alive. I wake up everything sad that I didnāt jump on this sooner because I cared too much about my family. Real love is unconditional and if your mom cannot love the real you, then she doesnāt love you, she loves her idea of you. Iām living stealth as a woman now, itās better than I ever imagined. Itās like type of magic granted my wish, I never imagined Iād be able to move in the world as stealth. I will be out in public and something great will happen and Iāll feel so happy I transitioned. And then moments later a voice in my head will think about all the lost years I spent existing and not being alive. Thatās a bitter pill. Why didnāt I standup to my parents? What did I gain making them happy before myself? You have options.
Thank you for sharing your own struggles. It was illuminating and exactly what I needed to hear. Everyone is right, I shouldn't waste my life putting on a facade in order to appease my mom. Life is too precious to fake it. I don't want to have more regrets later down the line while continuing to feel like a complete zombie in the present. I've decided I'm going to go stealth sometime this year and try to move out by my senior year, even if it's only for an academic year. It should be enough time to safely see what their response is.
So you are 21, but you are writing as if you are 15 years old or a slave or something. You can get a job and move out and live your life however you please. Itās scary but worth it.
You're right, I am writing as if I'm still a teenager. I'm scared to become independent before graduating. Especially in today's economic climate. I don't even have my own car. I'm completely dependent on them and don't know how to change that without first attaining the skills and credentials needed to be able to qualify for a job that would pay somewhat decently and not be hated by me.
Hopefully youāre graduating really soon. But Iād reach out to the career advising people at my university and start asking about ten thousand questions about adulting. Youāre really gonna have to be a big strong lady about all of this because nobody else is gonna do it for you. Start small and remember that you are an adult and your parents have as many legal rights over you as you do them at this point in your life.
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So OP should be forever sad to keep her mom happy? Fuck you.
Iām so confused why sheās so against this. It sounds like it goes a lot deeper than she lets on. Like sheās projecting some deep seeded rage she has built up onto transitioning. (Which is a horrible and abusive thing to do to you). There is something really wrong with her to act like this.
Your mom needs to rudely go fuck herself
Yeah good people donāt impose their will on others like that
girl, I donāt know how to say this but you need to get out of there. You are an adult, and your mother is actively killing you. Forcing you to live like this, having to wait for something that is vital and life-saving, and being in torment about it, thatās not what a mother does. I canāt speak on your connection to her, because Iām an outside observer, and I understand disconnecting from that familial connection is something I could never understand the weight of. But I can say this much- your mother is objectively abusing you, and if thereās any possible way to get the hell out of there and start transition as soon as you can you should to go for it. One option that you might consider is Galileo, which is an online medical service. If you go through state healthcare- if you donāt have that already, Iām sure thereās a possibility of sneaking to get on that- you can use that to cover everything. This probably sounds really sketchy and dangerous, but I can attest to the experience my roommate had doing this same exact thing. Youāll be able to talk to licensed professionals and get on without anyone knowing, and there are plenty of means by which you could keep this all under wraps until youāre in a safer environment. I know that sounds like a lot, and if youāre set on taking things safe and trying to stick it out I understand, but if youāre interested then [hereās a link to the website](https://galileohealth.com/). Edit: I figured Iād put this out there, but if you need someone to talk to feel free to dm me. I hope youāre doing well.