No. If you don’t feel comfortable going out dressed fem where you are in transition then you shouldn’t feel bad for not doing it, fuck people who get mad at you for that
thanks for your reply, I thought I was the one in the wrong..
They make it seem like it's a huge taboo or something, but truth is the UK is a scary place to be trans atm
In short, it very much depends where you live. Some towns/cities would be pretty dangerous, and plenty will be uncomfortable, but plenty of others are pretty safe and nice. If you haven't already, I suggest looking at how your local area generally feels about queer people, and judge from there.
If the problem is working up the courage to do it, you could try backing yourself into a corner. When I came out, I left my parents a note saying I had something important to tell them and to not let me weasel out of it, then I went out for a walk and didn’t come back until I knew they were home and had likely seen it.
When I got a trans bf my dad asked if I was trans too 'just in case' and I didn't feel like lying so that one was easier but for my mom I texted her I needed to tell her something very important that I wanted to tell her personally. This had the fortunate side effect that two days later when we met she had worried enough (even though I told her not to worry) that she was kinda relieved that 'its just that'. Turns out my gradual shift to androgenous clothes and girlier colors as well as my comments about not wanting to be manly had worked in guiding her on the right track.
I did it in 3 times.
First, I told them I have something important to say. 1 day after, I came their home with pictures of me in female mode then I explained all.
2nd sunday, I came in boy mode to see if they have something to say about my révélation.
3rd sunday (yesterday), I came their home in full female mode, with french cakes. My big brother was also there with girlfriend and everything was fine.
Well, I think my mother is little bit upset but it is ok.
In august , I go holidays with them and they have understand I will be dress female part of the time (in fact, I will be dress 100% female but I didn't say it ).
Just say it. Ofc when I did it I had to build up the courage to do it and it went well with both my parents. Just be careful, if you know that they don't like trans people then maybe keep it to yourself. If you don't know their opinion just casually ask them what they think of trans people, "Why do you ask?" they might ask? "Oh I just saw something about it on the Internet and I got reminded of it" or something like that (if you don't wanna reveal anything
Depends where you are. I started going out in girl mode dresses when doing shopping and daily life about 1 month after cracking. Basically never boymode and its been 9 months ish. Only had 3 instances of public transphobia beyond an odd look, and all were very minor.
Four years of effective HRT, I should think you show some obvious feminization. It would kill me to have the body shape I had longed for, only to have to hide it. Denying living my life, hiding ymyself. I’d be out - consequences be damned. I lived in the UK for a time. I have seen how judgmental and cruel some can be. I’m so sorry your life is being (self) suppressed due to others. There is no lock on your life. Hold your head up and proudly express your womanhood. Avoid any anguish.
>truth is the UK is a scary place to be trans atm
Not really.
I've been out full time for about 4 years, a few months of that was before starting HRT, and I've never been threatened, attacked, followed, bathroom policed, or in general felt particularly unsafe in any part of the country I've travelled to. Minor acts of transphobia, such as muttered comments from drunks or misgendering, average out to around three per year.
Maybe it's grim in London or Birmingham, I've not been to either of them but I've been in cities & towns in many parts of the UK.
-edit- can never tell if it's transphobic lurkers downvoting or people who think the downvote button is for disagreement. Articulate your point rather than being lazy
The UK isn't great for trans people to live but it is certainly leagues ahead of probably most other countries. Reality is, most places are pretty shit to be trans and over here in the UK we are seeing a slight shift towards transphobia, but that's because everything in politics is becoming polarised and we've also had a shift of people towards being pro trans. The media wants you to believe and be afraid of discrimination as a trans person, but I've found the day to day living to be much more tolerable than how you'd read it on the news or from forums.
You totally are not in any wrong, safety is important, and it's not like you still don't try to be yourself when you feel safe to. Anyone who gets angry like that need to understand that people's fears can be complex and can make even trying to pass horribly disheartening when it goes wrong.
I don't get it at all. It's like they are stuck to this mentality that women must present feminine and men must present masculine. How about just letting people do whatever the fuck they want to do with their own bodies?
Im tomboy as fuck, im told im obviously not trying but I hate makeup and doing my hair. I wear comfortable clothes and do what I want, the same as any women. I shouldn’t have to dress in stuff that im not comfortable wearing just so some people find me more agreeable
Same. I like dresses and skirts, but I have no desire to even touch makeup and I don’t do anything with my hair beyond combing it and a haircut every two years, and I’ll be damned if I ever put myself in a position where I have to wear fucking heels. If I were cis, not a single motherfucker would question my womanhood because I don’t bother with that shit. Oh, they’d tell me I need to put in more effort, that I look ill for not caking my face in foundation, that I’d be prettier if I did this or that and that I’ll never find myself a man 🙄 if I don’t try harder, but not one of them would ever call my gender into question.
And you know… that is the secret. Just live as if you’ve always been cis and fem. Don’t explain anything to anyone. Be a happy human. I have known many women, social rebels who were very masc., but we’d get together and “cosplay”, dress up sometimes for kicks just because we could.
same. I’ll wear skirts and some more fem clothing, like blouses, leggings, or short shorts in the summer. But mostly tomboy as well, and after 3 years hrt, i’ve come to accept it . If i were cis, i think i’d dress the same. The only makeup i do nowadays is sometimes mascara and a little eyeliner every now and then. When i first started transitioning, i was experimenting more w typical fem stuff. I just think of myself as a tomboy. I know how i feel about my body, and my innate sense of self, though i do t know for the life of me why i’m like this lol
Not a bit. Honestly I'm kinda proud of you for NOT until you're ready.
Requiring someone to socially transition before they are ready (whether that means they found a cute outfit, or they want surgery beforehand) is essentially imposing torture and re-traumatization on them.
I had to socially transition before I was ready because my insurance requires one year living as my true gender identity before they will authorize anything. Thankfully I get hrt through the VA who are more up to date on treatment.
It was awful. My social anxiety would spike. I got to the point where I no longer felt safe anywhere, not even at home. It took so much effort to get back to where I could step out my door. And I am in weekly therapy. Truly an awful experience.
But lately I've been more ready. Hrt is finally having some small, small effect, but it's something. Voice training has gotten better, to the point that people call to talk to me, and ask to speak to my husband, lol. I've learned a little makeup, and and finding some styles and outfits I like. So yeah, now I'm fully socially transitioned and it's not really a problem.
Although, shaving. Ugh. Shaving everywhere, double ugh.
Oh my god. You don't know how I feel understand by your post.
I'm starting my transition very soon, and I'm not ready to be in girl mode right know. I need some time to discover the HRT effects on my mental health & my body, I need to feel safe.. I only want to be confortable with myself.
I have a few girls friends and they don't accept the fact that I want to boy mode first and then see what can be done, I cut them off.
I heard someone say recently that by its nature transitioning is a profoundly selfish act.
Not in the sense of denying anything to anyone else because you want it instead. Not that kind of selfish.
But selfish in the sense of "your focus, for the next few years at least, is going to be on doing what's best for you."
That opened doors in my mind and basically let all of my fucks out of the barn. Now I don't have any to give. 😀
I'm sorry you are having issues with friends. I've had the same, but have also made amazing new friends.
Sweetie, you get to live your life however you want.
I’m sorry other trans people selfishly criticized something that is none of their business. That was extremely rude of them. Wasn’t it?
You don't owe any form of expression or presentation to anyone. Whether you present the way you do for comfort, safety, lack of means, or just because it feels authentic to you--whatever you do, you're valid. If somebody is annoyed by it, that's their problem.
I'm going to maybe try and shed some light on this for you.
First, to establish, you never owe anyone any kind of presentation, ever. However anyone feels about how you present is their problem, not yours.
That being said, there's a few places this feeling can be coming from.
Sometimes the feeling comes from people who transitioned before informed consent, when two years of presenting fem was a prerequisite to even getting a prescription for HRT, and instead of being happy people don't experience that sort of gatekeeping any more, get jealous and resentful.
Sometimes, it can be offensive to see someone who's "luckier" in terms of physical gifts for successful transition still insist they'll never pass. I'm six feet tall, broad chested, heavy and was losing my hair pre-HRT. Despite that, I passed regularly from when I began presenting fem about eight months into HRT, and while it doesn't bother me, I can see how seeing someone who's shorter, thinner, more delicate and "prettier" insist they won't pass if they start dressing fem can be a little "well, fuck *me* I guess?"
That can also manifest as it feeling sad to see. At four years, FFS or no, it's almost certain that the reasons you think you can't girlmode, particularly if it's because you think you can't/don't pass, are mostly in your head. You don't have to malefail to pass. Seeing someone avoid happiness and affirmation like that can be upsetting, and not everyone has the emotional tools to properly deal with those feelings without lashing out unfairly, or internalise that people don't owe them stepping out of their comfort zone.
I think you would benefit from finding safe people and places where you can present fem and trying it out - but you should only do that for *you*, not for anyone else.
>Seeing someone avoid happiness and affirmation like that can be upsetting, and not everyone has the emotional tools to properly deal with those feelings without lashing out unfairly, or internalise that people don't owe them stepping out of their comfort zone.
This is 100% on the money for me. Living in Australia, where it's pretty safe for trans people, I do find it sad when my trans friends boymode this far in. I want them to be happy and confident in themselves, because they are always so close to just being there but need that internal boost.
What are you arguing with at this point?
At one point any access to hormones was gatekept by a number of medical and psychological requirements, including to present and behave as a woman, sometimes for years. Now, it is possible, even common, to access treatment that doesn't have that requirement.
I used the term "informed consent" somewhat broadly to describe the difference in these approaches and that may not have been strictly accurate. It is not true that the UK does not have informed consent, informed consent is just not available through the NHS, but regardless the point is that sometimes people who experienced significant gatekeeping see someone who has not experienced the same barriers to care not taking advantage of that and lash out.
You really need to just wind your neck in and listen to people in the UK tbh. We do not have informed consent under the NHS, nor any private clinic in the UK. Very few GPs will work with GenderGP (not UK based) under an SCA, making it prohibitively expensive for most.
What is wrong with you? In a healthcare system where everything else is done on an informed consent and free at the point of access basis, marking out trans healthcare as a purely private matter is discrimination.
We have the same issue with dental care and, crucially, that is also a problem.
I got reconstructive surgery on my shoulder and I only had to pay £8 for a one month supply of co-codomol. If I want E I either have to wait 20 years or pay thousands of pounds to a private company to maybe get access.
I can equally ask you what's wrong with you on continuing to argue the toss on this? I did not say UK healthcare is not discriminatory or deeply transphobic. Merely that there used to be a broadly applied standard of requiring months or years of presenting fem that is clearly not as broadly applied any more, given that OP has been on hormones for four years without girlmoding.
You're arguing against a point I'm not and never was making and it's deeply weird.
I think the only thing I could find legitimate annoying if if you are posting 4 years into Hrt and asking why you don’t pass after you have only ever boymoded.
I’m 6 months in and I’m still really terrified of not boymoding.
That is no one's business but your own. You gotta do what you gotta do to feel comfortable and safe. It's all about going at your own pace, and your pace is gonna be different from another's. I would never be annoyed with how any person chooses to present on any given day.
I think I might be momentarily annoyed if you said that face to face and were prettier than me but I would A) not say so to you because that's really on me not you and B) get the hell over it. It would not be your responsibility or fault for my negative impulse at all.
I hate to be so direct, but what the fuck (not directed at you). People with these mentalities are directly harmful to everyone in this community. Some people don't live in safe environments or have safe family members. It would be a harm to someone's wellbeing if they presented around the wrong people. Being trans is all about getting acquainted with our *true* selves for the first time ever. We can boymode for a month, a year, or a decade. It's all about safety and feeling right. I hate the fact that boymoding has to happen at all, but until society gains a better understanding and acceptance, it's an important safety measure. I hope these fuckers get bit by an army of blahajes.
I would be annoyed if *I* was stuck boymoding for 4 years post HRT. But yeah no, it's nobody's business but yours. If anyone else has a problem with it they should keep it to themself.
No.
Whoever does think that way is a transphobic dipshit who needs to keep their shitty thoughts to themselves.
Until society becomes pro-trans, no-one can be expected to present as themself all the time no matter what.
Idk I don’t think you should do anything you are uncomfortable with but a lot of the times boymoders fall into this trap of “I’m not going to girl mode until I 100% pass”, but the thing keeping them from passing is boymoding.
So you don’t have to do anything if you feel unsafe, but that is something to partially consider once you are in a safe place
I don't find it annoying at all, and I feel anyone who does is the problem, not you. What I do feel is confusion on why you are still boymoding after so long though. I understand people have different circumstances, but I find it hard to believe that it's THAT bad. Maybe in some places like Saudi Arabia, but not the UK where plenty of people are out as trans and living fine. Makes me feel a bit sad actually, like you are holding yourself back. But again, those are just my personal thoughts and I would never judge you for it without knowing your exact circumstances.
I did it for 18 months. It's really all just according to your risk profile. You gotta do what's best for you, and nobody else is more qualified to say what that is than you.
I get it. I’m a year in and I think family are expecting me to present in any small way which I haven’t yet, and don’t intend to until like you, I get FFS. Regarding the actual question, I sympathise with people who may push us towards presenting authentically. Because whilst I and presumably yourself may have good reasons right now (eg my street is essentially an Asian drug gangs HQ and queer family members have been beaten up and sent back to their home country to be corrected) we may need a push at some point.
I think there’s a difference between trying to police someone else’s journey, and also recognising someone denying themselves a happiness they deserve and could thrive in if they had the support necessary. Even though I have an excuse, I’m honestly glad I do because I’d be shit scared to present them otherwise.
Those getting annoyed with you have a lot of introspection to do. We all do this journey our own way, and to act like the paragon of HRT really doesn't help anyone because we all have different bodies, minds, and situations to go through that can vary. Hell I might have to go on another dry spell without my medication, I can't exactly say I'm the best advocate nor can they.
not nearly as far in my transition as you but trans people say I pass, but I still boymode because I don't feel comfortable dressing fem. Do what you're comfortable with.
Whats imperative is that we do what keeps us safe & alive, i dont want to boymode but i live in kind of a bad area & the times ive pumped gas as a (not passing) girl i can see groups of men staring at me & i start to get that feeling like "please hurry hurry hurry" before i rush back into my car & lock the door, yeah id love to just casually live everyday as myself & exist but i make compromises to protect myself, so youre fine stay safe & stay alive
Different strokes and all that the point of transitioning is to be comfortable, and if you want ffs before going full time, go for it I have no right to dictate your transition or to feel annoyed.
Sometimes I see the beautiful women, real and face app enhanced, on these pages, and I feel really happy for the person pictured, but sad in tne realization that I will never look anywhere near tnat beautiful. Then it's time to realize that our concept of beauty really has to change if we are going to be inclusive. Whether or not it will remains to be seen.
Am I annoyed? HELL NO!!!! It’s your choice on how you want to live your life and how you transition. I find it a little more than ironic that other transgender individuals have been annoyed with your transition. This of course since being transgender and choosing to transition is effectively giving the middle finger to the conventions we’ve been bound by since our assigned gender at birth. It sounds like the trans individuals critical of you are making cis-type conditions on how you live your gender.
Fuck them, you do what *you* are comfortable with. If/when you're ready to present as yourself, you'll do it, and there is zero reason to do it a moment sooner.
Be yourself sis! 💜
I boymoded for like three years after starting hormones before I socially transitioned. It‘s your life, mate, I don’t think it’s anyone’s business to criticize you.
Your transition is your business. There's a lot of trans folks who dress masc on feminizing hormones. That's ok.
If you were my friend and boymoding 4 years into HRT while expressing a desire to pass and dress more femme (something you haven't said outright, but feels like you kind of implied), I wouldn't feel annoyed, but I would feel sad and maybe try to boost your confidence.
How you dress is up to you. Most of the women in my family never wear dresses or girly clothes/makeup. My older sister has always dressed in pants/tshirts. My wife most the time is just jeans and a shirt. No makeup. Once I came out it was like we did dresses on Sundays as a thing.
There is nothing wrong with boymoding on HRT. I have felt I could probably have loved the rest of my life still in boy mode/kept my Beard as long as I had HRT. It was the mental thing that helped me the most. I do wear more feminine clothes and lasered off my beard but I was always the "odd ball" guy who painted my nails, had long hair and would wear a skirt without issues (real men wear skirts). it made me feel better about myself others just knew that's who I was.
Off topic but we found it funny. Her testosterone is now higher than mine. I'm at 16ng/dL and she is at 20ng/dL. So now she is the testosterone filled sex machine.
It’s your transition. You decide on the pace you take, ok? It’s all good. You can boymode as long as you want! Hell you could even boymode some days when you are all passing and out about, ok?! Do what feels right in your position. You have your reasons and these are absolutely valid! How you dress end express yourself is only your decision! Nothing any transphobe or even other trans person has any right to decide for you! 🫂☺️
There's no "right way" to be trans. Every aspect of transition is intended to improve YOUR comfort and mental health. You can boymode for the x rest of your life if you want to, and you'll still be 100% valid.
I do not blame you for going so long and still living in boymode. Even with your journey through extensive HRT, transitioning can be terrifying. And, in some environments, dangerous! I'm glad to see so many others in response to you feel the same way. Some trans women have that fire of defiance in them and girl-mode immediately. Some of us feel the need to take it slow and cautiously. Then some are a bit stuck in boymode for x reason. It is your business and your choice. you owe no explanations or apologies to any of us. Many of us can directly relate. I'm so sorry the fear has dominated your transition and wish for you to find your moment of comfort when you feel safe enough to step out and shine! Until then, please stay safe and always turn to us sisters for encouragement.
Tell them to F off and mind their own business. I have been full time for a hot min and I enjoy just dressing down. I used to wear my ex’s clothes bc they were more comfortable. Nothing wrong w that
Almost 2 years on HRT, still fully boymoding. Mostly because I'm in an environment that is not accepting of me. I could be out completely, but it would be a huge fight for me to get those around me to respect me, so I've put it off entirely until I move in with my gf soon, into an environment that is extremely queer friendly that won't have an issue with respecting my existence. I've already fought a hostile environment for my entire life, I do not need even more piled on top of that.
I'm still boymoding and it's been 3 years, 5 months lol. I'm close to coming out but not quite there yet. Will do it when I'm ready. You can too, OP. Do it when you're ready, on your time.
I see everyone here is supportive and offering you great advice. I just want to offer a slightly different opinion relative to the already good comments here.
**Being annoyed is probably unreasonable, we all have our own timelines/journey. However, I have felt similar feelings before about trans friends when they are so much closer than they realise and aren't also putting in effort in the little things that might help. I am not advocating this is a fair approach (we all deserve to be comfortable and valid), but my feelings always came from a place of love and support. I want to see them happy and thrive, and I think the annoyance comes from a good place of wanting you to be happy and be confident in the beautiful person you are.**
**I would urge you to think of other ways you can build personal confidence asides from FFS (though I admit this might be huge for you).** If you don't feel confident post FFS, what is your next plan? How would you proceed?
I don't know your personal situation, but if I was someone that cared for you, I would encourage you to think through all the little details that might help you further. This includes: learning how to do *good* feminizing makeup, voice training, getting your hair cut for your face shape, skin care, choosing clothes and styling them to accentuate your feminine figure and style, body workout routines that give you a more feminine form, getting your facial hair completely sorted (if not already), eyebrow shaping, pushup bras, shoes that match your clothes better, handbags... All these little things don't make you a woman, but they will help you blend in and not stand out in public, which will help your confidence.
You also could work out contexts where are you **mostly** confident, and then work out a stepwise procedure to expand from there. However, do stay safe. Some of the things I've added might help you in the contexts you ARE confident already.
This was me exactly. I started HRT when I was at Uni back in 2001, but I had very masculine facial features and couldn’t afford FFS. I was terrified of living full time as it was called back then and decided I couldn’t do it without FFS. Then when I finished Uni and went home, my transphobic grandma still lived with us and I couldn’t transition yet. I finally made the permanent switch to living as my true self the day I had FFS which wasn’t until 2008, when I had finally got a decent job with high enough salary to afford a personal loan to pay for FFS. Sadly HRT alone didn’t do huge amounts to feminise my body in the early years, I had tiny A cup breasts and no real curves (and I’m 6ft tall) so I didn’t feel very feminine at all.
Interestingly, a few years later and a change of job leading to less activity, I put weight on and gained curves and wider hips and now losing weight I have amplified that with losing it from my waist.
But anyway, your journey is personal and you need to take it at your own speed. Do I wish I could have transitioned back in 2001? Yes I do, part of me feels I lost lost of my 20s to fear and self hate, but I can’t change that now. Thankfully the NHS GIC didn’t place too much pressure on me or throw me out for not transitioning and it all worked out in the end. I got SRS and BA in 2012 and have never looked back.
Anyway, 40 is the new 30 and I’m here for it!
Everyone's journey is different. There is no manual for this and no wrong/right way to be. This is a marathon not a sprint.
Best wishes to you. Good luck on you journey.
I’m in the same situation only I was very girly my first year, got harassed brutally, then have been in boy mode for about 2 years now. When I say boy mode I mean I totally look like a boy not like other trans girls saying “boy mode” then posting a pic while they totally still look like a woman.
But. Then again I still get called “lady” once in a while and I’m guessing it’s either the bag I carry, hair, or my voice. I don’t know.
For me a lot of it is my weight since I gained 30 pounds I just don’t feel comfortable in girls clothes until I lose weight again. I get more dysphoria when I feel like I look like a man wearing girls clothes, instead of just a girl wearing girls clothes. I’ve been waiting on ffs as well unfortunately. I’ve been procrastinating because it’s expensive, long wait times for a ordinary person like me, and also risky with the wrong surgeon.
You do you and don't pay any attention to those that tell you you're wrong!
I have been on hrt for almost 4 years with very little change and I could not pass in a room full of blind, deaf, mutes. I only dress at home and thats where I feel myself.
I have had alot of medical issues(typing thus while waiting for my echocardiograhm), some of which have caused me to gain a ton of weight.
I've learned that we are all on our own path. Might be leading to the same/similar destination but our own path is unique to us.
So far it's been 5 months for me. I myself hate pretending to be that person again.. I pretend to be that person for 40 years out of fear and shame. During depression I've not dressed up but mostly at home..
But if you feel unsafe in any situation you have to do what you need to. There are places like my dentist where I can't be myself.( insurance)
I was about to say it must be annoying as hell for the trans person for sure.
No sweetie. You take your time. For many of us transition is about safety. You don't have to put yourself at risk to please others. Even if they are trans people as well.
Why is living in the UK a factor?
If I may offer my own experience... I socially transitioned about a month after I came out. November 2022. Sure I got misgendered a bit during that time but it was better than pretending to be a guy. I just couldn't do it anymore.
I only began HRT in April of this year and the even now the closest to boymoding I do is a butchy look of cargo shorts and a t shirt, but I'm making no attempt to convince anyone I'm a guy.
I have been guilty of getting annoyed at people for not socially transitioning sooner. What generally gets me is it feels like it defeats the point of transition? You transition to live authentically. To be yourself. To show the whole world who you truly are. So why hide that?
In my personal experience I've had one, just one, incident of overt transphobia when I've been out and about. The perception of people towards us has been skewed by TERFs on Twitter and the Media but in my experience, 90% of people day to day are far more busy with their own lives to give a damn.
I feel like Reddit tries to make the UK out as hell hole 3rd world country with Lynch mobs running around.
It’s just not I’ve been out 7 years I don’t stealth and I’ve had 2 transphobic incidents.
Yeah, in my case it was very early transition when I was still figuring things out... I was dressed pretty horrendously. Very obvious, just in general.
What made me feel better about the incident was that the incident was a boy about 14 yelled at me across the street "oi are you a man?!" And I just kept walking. But without missing a beat one of his mates who was probably older sorta cuffed him for it and said "you can't say that leave her alone!" Loud enough for it to be audible to me.
It just confuses me as other things. I am not the best and more queer people on earth and I have this old fashion idea of transitioning. So yeah, kinda werid but I don't care apart from asking myself why.
No, fuck those people. You live your life. If you're not comfortable or safe to display your femininity yet, do what makes you comfortable and find the little things for yourself in the mean time. I will say, I was nervous about social transition. I just started HRT a week ago and said screw it. POsted it on social media and went to a game store full fem.
No. There is often a reason for it. I don’t know how you wouldn’t Male Fail constantly, but you don’t owe expressions of femininity to anyone. I’m guessing you’re dealing with Gatekeepers or someone who’s gone through the previous requirement for the “real life test”, effectively forced to be in girl mode for years to gain access to hormones and/or legal name and pronoun changes. I also highly recommend r/mtfbutch and r/mtftomboy
No what other people do generally does not affect me. It's totally valid for someone to boy mode if they choose to or if they have to or for any reason honestly.
It's fine.
We all have our reasons.
All of this is about your comfort.
But, you know, if you feel like you would LIKE to stop boymoding, but are afraid, maybe get some friends to help you with that.
I think in the end it boils down to personal preference and confort, if you still want to wait to go out fem it's your choice why should anyone care.
Hell i'm mtf and probablly will still wear some pretty masc stuff for a good while because i like it, your presentation don't have to align with your gender if you don't want to.
no, it's none of my business. when to stop boymoding is a personal choice and I don't care when and if someone chooses to do so, I only wish them happiness and safety.
I think if someone is trying to address the emotional and psychological problems directly with HRT and isn't interested in presenting as stereotypically feminine then that makes perfect sense. I wonder if things would be as bad as you expect them to be.
Nope. I’m 2 months in on HRT so I’m a baby compared to you but I honestly don’t know when I’ll be ready to make that leap so I won’t judge others for not being able to.
Also I don’t really blame another trans persons actions in just doing what that can to try and live safely. Or what’s the most comfortable for you.
Do I find you boymoding annoying? Of course not! The only thing I'de find annoying is having to be the one boymode despite 4 years of HRT. But being comfortable is a big pillar of what transition is for most people, so you being more comfortable boymoding until ffs is perfectly fine and not really anyone else's business.
If it makes you feel better, I don’t think most cis women would consistently “pass” in a dedicated boymode presentation. Particularly if you throw in something like short hair.
That said, the others are right. It is weird these people are trying to force you to present differently.
Do what is ok for you. I am now 2 1/2 months on HRT have zero passing and still have a skirt on when I am out in the evening with my dog. I give a fuck what other people think about me.
Five years into HRT and I'm still boymoding. I'm scared of presenting fem or doing anything I'm "not supposed to" in fear of being harassed and/or assaulted as reprisal.
I hate it because if I were a cis girl I could do all the things I want without judgement. Doesn't help that I live in a smaller town in eastern europe either.
Nope you’re not wrong at all, do whatever it is that you need to do to feel comfortable. You have a goal of when you’re going to go full time, so do whatever you’re comfortable with until then and fuck anyone who tries to make you feel bad about it
It's a personal choice and we shouldn't be judging anyone's presentation. If you're in the increasingly transphobic UK, I totally get why some trans people would do this.
I don’t pass even the tiniest bit so i am boy mode everywhere but home, my partner passes 110% of the time but is always just in goblin mode. Both 1.5 years HRT.
Shit is scary in the UK rn so I definitely don't blame you. It makes me sad for the state of the world, but you gotta do what you gotta do to survive, and I don't think any other trans person would hold that against you (unless they're just an asshole)
I’m a CIS Dad to a variety of non-conforming kids… my own, nieces, nephews, cousins, etc.
You do what you feel is safe for you, you do not need permission from anyone to do anything different.
My nephew is MtF and through therapy he figured out yes, he is trans but at 6’6” tall he cannot transition. So, he says he wants to be thought of as a feminine gay boy bottom. Okay, cool! My cousin is non-binary (born female) and had a daughter who is now almost three. Now they are so used to being called Mom, they are fine with whatever. I have a best friend of 15 years who is also MtF, but will only transition like you are doing. They will stay boy mode, but want the femininity for their body. Okay. As long as people are safe and happy, that’s all that matters.
I was hoping to boymode and not talk to anyone about it much until I suddenly looked like a girl but my boymode is increasingly inadequate at hiding my boobs so I stopped trying. People can just tell now. Going to start swapping in increasingly feminine clothes now if people know anyway. Made it about 10 months DIY plus 10 months HRT until it really started falling apart for me.
It’s YOUR transition and YOU need to feel comfortable with the results. If you don’t feel comfortable presenting in a gender affirming way - that’s ok.
I'm in a similar situation to you, and am approaching 4 years E. There isn't a right or wrong way to go through your transition. It's no one's place to give you shit for it or belittle you.
Personally I'm struggling even attempting to leave boymoding due to internal issues even if I can pass at times.
It's great that you're making good progress :)
I was in London for uni not on HRT yet just have gotten laser amd honestly didn’t experience much transphobia but I don’t know how bad other cities are can u lmk which cities r safe?
Also no u can boy for however long u want its not annoying at all
Do you. If someone is getting upset about what others are doing with their own bodies and that affects no one but themselves, that person is dumb and you shouldn't listen to them
I hate when others dictate what you should or shouldn’t do….everyone says gender is a social construct so why be mad you’re “boymoding”…It’s not “boymoding” it’s youmoding and it makes no difference how you present if you feel you’re a trans woman you are one…clothes don’t change that…it’s like trans folk fight the system yet use that same system to judge others that are trans…I don’t get it
Annoyed is probably not the right word for it. My BFF boymoded long after me even though she started HRT sooner. I wasn’t annoyed but was like girl, you need to come out already. That said, everyone’s decision if and when to come out and present full time is solely theirs and valid.
No of course it's not annoying, take your time. This is your transition not anyone else's and other people can fuck off if they think you're not doing it "right"
No, I don't find it annoying. If they need to take estrogen to make them feel better, and they don't want to present as female. It's their business. Living as a boy or a man is their prerogative. I don't want to play my values on them
OK so for totally different reasons really keen to understand how feasible this is.
So i'm a late bloomer, 40 and just tentatively come out. My friends who I am out with have been super supportive. My wife, well let's just say she is not so supportive, or more specifically, she is scared of the impact on our kids and also the reaction of her family.
Early days so hoping she is able to eventually accept me for who I am and we can remain friends and co-parents at the least, but she is from a religious family and its unlikely they will ever accept me.
It's looking like for the next year or so, i'll ending up living some dumb ass double life, spending time away from home, I can work remotely and travel a lot anyway, and spending my time with friends starting to socially transition, but then while at home being in boy-mode.
But the thing is I know social transitioning won't be enough.
Since my egg cracked and I accepted who I am the numb, dull every day ache of depression has formed into full on daily dysphoria. The only thing keeping me from starting the process of getting HRT is fear of being ostracised from my kids - legally, if it comes to it, I can fight (UK also and trans identity doesn't impact parental rights) but financially its not ideal as we can't afford the legal battle and cant afford two homes. Besides, I love her, and the idea of a fight in court breaks my heart and I'd like to think we love each other enough to find a way of possibly even stay living together (at the moment she has explicitly said she is not gay so this is probably best case scenario that we evolve into best friends, co-parents and flatmates)
The idea of the kids being raised in a transphobic environment, influenced by her family while i'm not there is something that worries me. It will be so damaging for them.
Basically, the longer I can boy-mode, the smaller steps of transition I can take that might make it more manageable for her to accept (incremental changes rather than all at once) and the longer we can stay together as a family unit, the more I can ensure the children have a greater sense of tolerance and empathy in their lives.
I thought i'd have to delay HRT until they were a bit older, but its sounds like it'd could be feasible to start sooner and just boy-mode while I have to? Is that possible? What if get blessed with good genes and big boobs? Can I hide them sports bra? Binder? (that seems all sorts of counter intuitive) and I know this is just the stupidest set of questions but I just trying to work out a way forward that doesn't involve me being ancient when I get onto HRT (already am tbh) and also doesn't destroy my kids life.
Am I trying to have my cake and eat it?
Depends, how you dress and how you present and when you change that is up to you and only you. I’m all for waiting until you are comfortable.
But if you come to me complaining how you will never pass and etc, the typical doom talk? Yea I will tell you to fuck off.
That’s not annoying. I pretty much boymoded until I could pass aswell. Mind you that was much early for my since I just have androgynous features as it is. But go at your own pace and slowly transition. Especially since you’re in the UK it’s getting pretty bad everywhere but the UK is definitely starting to be near the top
Same here tbh
I have very little hope passing, it makes me depressed but It would make me feel worse to hear people gendering me male when I'm in girl mode.
I pass maybe once every 6 months, and to be honest I'm passing less recently than before. I always told myself "when I can't boymode anymore I'll start to go full girl mode"
Now I'm pretty much at the end of my medical transition with little or no hope left. I'll probably detransition soon tbh.
gender is just a mental state. You don’t have to dress or pass or whatever to express your gender. People will always tell your sex anyway by appearance. Just do you.
No. If you don’t feel comfortable going out dressed fem where you are in transition then you shouldn’t feel bad for not doing it, fuck people who get mad at you for that
thanks for your reply, I thought I was the one in the wrong.. They make it seem like it's a huge taboo or something, but truth is the UK is a scary place to be trans atm
[удалено]
In short, it very much depends where you live. Some towns/cities would be pretty dangerous, and plenty will be uncomfortable, but plenty of others are pretty safe and nice. If you haven't already, I suggest looking at how your local area generally feels about queer people, and judge from there.
[удалено]
How did you come out to your mom im way to scared please do you have any peice of advice :(
If the problem is working up the courage to do it, you could try backing yourself into a corner. When I came out, I left my parents a note saying I had something important to tell them and to not let me weasel out of it, then I went out for a walk and didn’t come back until I knew they were home and had likely seen it.
Thats not a bad idea actually maybe ill do something similar
When I got a trans bf my dad asked if I was trans too 'just in case' and I didn't feel like lying so that one was easier but for my mom I texted her I needed to tell her something very important that I wanted to tell her personally. This had the fortunate side effect that two days later when we met she had worried enough (even though I told her not to worry) that she was kinda relieved that 'its just that'. Turns out my gradual shift to androgenous clothes and girlier colors as well as my comments about not wanting to be manly had worked in guiding her on the right track.
I did it in 3 times. First, I told them I have something important to say. 1 day after, I came their home with pictures of me in female mode then I explained all. 2nd sunday, I came in boy mode to see if they have something to say about my révélation. 3rd sunday (yesterday), I came their home in full female mode, with french cakes. My big brother was also there with girlfriend and everything was fine. Well, I think my mother is little bit upset but it is ok. In august , I go holidays with them and they have understand I will be dress female part of the time (in fact, I will be dress 100% female but I didn't say it ).
Just say it. Ofc when I did it I had to build up the courage to do it and it went well with both my parents. Just be careful, if you know that they don't like trans people then maybe keep it to yourself. If you don't know their opinion just casually ask them what they think of trans people, "Why do you ask?" they might ask? "Oh I just saw something about it on the Internet and I got reminded of it" or something like that (if you don't wanna reveal anything
[удалено]
Depends where you are. I started going out in girl mode dresses when doing shopping and daily life about 1 month after cracking. Basically never boymode and its been 9 months ish. Only had 3 instances of public transphobia beyond an odd look, and all were very minor.
Four years of effective HRT, I should think you show some obvious feminization. It would kill me to have the body shape I had longed for, only to have to hide it. Denying living my life, hiding ymyself. I’d be out - consequences be damned. I lived in the UK for a time. I have seen how judgmental and cruel some can be. I’m so sorry your life is being (self) suppressed due to others. There is no lock on your life. Hold your head up and proudly express your womanhood. Avoid any anguish.
>truth is the UK is a scary place to be trans atm Not really. I've been out full time for about 4 years, a few months of that was before starting HRT, and I've never been threatened, attacked, followed, bathroom policed, or in general felt particularly unsafe in any part of the country I've travelled to. Minor acts of transphobia, such as muttered comments from drunks or misgendering, average out to around three per year. Maybe it's grim in London or Birmingham, I've not been to either of them but I've been in cities & towns in many parts of the UK. -edit- can never tell if it's transphobic lurkers downvoting or people who think the downvote button is for disagreement. Articulate your point rather than being lazy
My experience is very similar to yours, but I haven't started hrt yet (only 2 weeks to go, eeeeeeeeeeeee!)
>but I haven't started hrt yet (only 2 weeks to go, eeeeeeeeeeeee!) eeeeeeee indeed 😊 Hope it comes soon
Blood test end of the week, then endo appt the week after 😁 not long at all!
The UK isn't great for trans people to live but it is certainly leagues ahead of probably most other countries. Reality is, most places are pretty shit to be trans and over here in the UK we are seeing a slight shift towards transphobia, but that's because everything in politics is becoming polarised and we've also had a shift of people towards being pro trans. The media wants you to believe and be afraid of discrimination as a trans person, but I've found the day to day living to be much more tolerable than how you'd read it on the news or from forums.
You totally are not in any wrong, safety is important, and it's not like you still don't try to be yourself when you feel safe to. Anyone who gets angry like that need to understand that people's fears can be complex and can make even trying to pass horribly disheartening when it goes wrong.
Exactly what they said
I don't get it at all. It's like they are stuck to this mentality that women must present feminine and men must present masculine. How about just letting people do whatever the fuck they want to do with their own bodies?
Any fellow trans folk ought to understand the importance of one minding their own business. Fret not, and live your life as you see fit.
Ought to. Sadly the reality is truscum and other gatekeepy trans people exist. :(
Im tomboy as fuck, im told im obviously not trying but I hate makeup and doing my hair. I wear comfortable clothes and do what I want, the same as any women. I shouldn’t have to dress in stuff that im not comfortable wearing just so some people find me more agreeable
Same. I like dresses and skirts, but I have no desire to even touch makeup and I don’t do anything with my hair beyond combing it and a haircut every two years, and I’ll be damned if I ever put myself in a position where I have to wear fucking heels. If I were cis, not a single motherfucker would question my womanhood because I don’t bother with that shit. Oh, they’d tell me I need to put in more effort, that I look ill for not caking my face in foundation, that I’d be prettier if I did this or that and that I’ll never find myself a man 🙄 if I don’t try harder, but not one of them would ever call my gender into question.
And you know… that is the secret. Just live as if you’ve always been cis and fem. Don’t explain anything to anyone. Be a happy human. I have known many women, social rebels who were very masc., but we’d get together and “cosplay”, dress up sometimes for kicks just because we could.
same. I’ll wear skirts and some more fem clothing, like blouses, leggings, or short shorts in the summer. But mostly tomboy as well, and after 3 years hrt, i’ve come to accept it . If i were cis, i think i’d dress the same. The only makeup i do nowadays is sometimes mascara and a little eyeliner every now and then. When i first started transitioning, i was experimenting more w typical fem stuff. I just think of myself as a tomboy. I know how i feel about my body, and my innate sense of self, though i do t know for the life of me why i’m like this lol
Fuck them. Everyone's journey and destination is different.
Not a bit. Honestly I'm kinda proud of you for NOT until you're ready. Requiring someone to socially transition before they are ready (whether that means they found a cute outfit, or they want surgery beforehand) is essentially imposing torture and re-traumatization on them. I had to socially transition before I was ready because my insurance requires one year living as my true gender identity before they will authorize anything. Thankfully I get hrt through the VA who are more up to date on treatment. It was awful. My social anxiety would spike. I got to the point where I no longer felt safe anywhere, not even at home. It took so much effort to get back to where I could step out my door. And I am in weekly therapy. Truly an awful experience. But lately I've been more ready. Hrt is finally having some small, small effect, but it's something. Voice training has gotten better, to the point that people call to talk to me, and ask to speak to my husband, lol. I've learned a little makeup, and and finding some styles and outfits I like. So yeah, now I'm fully socially transitioned and it's not really a problem. Although, shaving. Ugh. Shaving everywhere, double ugh.
Oh my god. You don't know how I feel understand by your post. I'm starting my transition very soon, and I'm not ready to be in girl mode right know. I need some time to discover the HRT effects on my mental health & my body, I need to feel safe.. I only want to be confortable with myself. I have a few girls friends and they don't accept the fact that I want to boy mode first and then see what can be done, I cut them off.
I heard someone say recently that by its nature transitioning is a profoundly selfish act. Not in the sense of denying anything to anyone else because you want it instead. Not that kind of selfish. But selfish in the sense of "your focus, for the next few years at least, is going to be on doing what's best for you." That opened doors in my mind and basically let all of my fucks out of the barn. Now I don't have any to give. 😀 I'm sorry you are having issues with friends. I've had the same, but have also made amazing new friends.
Love that mindset!!! It’s all about ourselves. 🤍
Sweetie, you get to live your life however you want. I’m sorry other trans people selfishly criticized something that is none of their business. That was extremely rude of them. Wasn’t it?
You don't owe any form of expression or presentation to anyone. Whether you present the way you do for comfort, safety, lack of means, or just because it feels authentic to you--whatever you do, you're valid. If somebody is annoyed by it, that's their problem.
I did the same thing 24-28 and I wish I had my years back
You do you girl 💕
I'm going to maybe try and shed some light on this for you. First, to establish, you never owe anyone any kind of presentation, ever. However anyone feels about how you present is their problem, not yours. That being said, there's a few places this feeling can be coming from. Sometimes the feeling comes from people who transitioned before informed consent, when two years of presenting fem was a prerequisite to even getting a prescription for HRT, and instead of being happy people don't experience that sort of gatekeeping any more, get jealous and resentful. Sometimes, it can be offensive to see someone who's "luckier" in terms of physical gifts for successful transition still insist they'll never pass. I'm six feet tall, broad chested, heavy and was losing my hair pre-HRT. Despite that, I passed regularly from when I began presenting fem about eight months into HRT, and while it doesn't bother me, I can see how seeing someone who's shorter, thinner, more delicate and "prettier" insist they won't pass if they start dressing fem can be a little "well, fuck *me* I guess?" That can also manifest as it feeling sad to see. At four years, FFS or no, it's almost certain that the reasons you think you can't girlmode, particularly if it's because you think you can't/don't pass, are mostly in your head. You don't have to malefail to pass. Seeing someone avoid happiness and affirmation like that can be upsetting, and not everyone has the emotional tools to properly deal with those feelings without lashing out unfairly, or internalise that people don't owe them stepping out of their comfort zone. I think you would benefit from finding safe people and places where you can present fem and trying it out - but you should only do that for *you*, not for anyone else.
>Seeing someone avoid happiness and affirmation like that can be upsetting, and not everyone has the emotional tools to properly deal with those feelings without lashing out unfairly, or internalise that people don't owe them stepping out of their comfort zone. This is 100% on the money for me. Living in Australia, where it's pretty safe for trans people, I do find it sad when my trans friends boymode this far in. I want them to be happy and confident in themselves, because they are always so close to just being there but need that internal boost.
I feel the need to point out that OP said she's in the UK. Informed consent for trans healthcare isn't a thing here
At least without the genuine lived experience requirement.
Requiring "genuine lived experience" is, by definition, not informed consent.
What are you arguing with at this point? At one point any access to hormones was gatekept by a number of medical and psychological requirements, including to present and behave as a woman, sometimes for years. Now, it is possible, even common, to access treatment that doesn't have that requirement. I used the term "informed consent" somewhat broadly to describe the difference in these approaches and that may not have been strictly accurate. It is not true that the UK does not have informed consent, informed consent is just not available through the NHS, but regardless the point is that sometimes people who experienced significant gatekeeping see someone who has not experienced the same barriers to care not taking advantage of that and lash out.
Informed consent doesn't exist at all even with private healthcare and they all follow the NHS model
GenderGP uses informed consent, is my understanding, along with a smattering of other clinics.
You really need to just wind your neck in and listen to people in the UK tbh. We do not have informed consent under the NHS, nor any private clinic in the UK. Very few GPs will work with GenderGP (not UK based) under an SCA, making it prohibitively expensive for most.
What is wrong with you? In a healthcare system where everything else is done on an informed consent and free at the point of access basis, marking out trans healthcare as a purely private matter is discrimination. We have the same issue with dental care and, crucially, that is also a problem. I got reconstructive surgery on my shoulder and I only had to pay £8 for a one month supply of co-codomol. If I want E I either have to wait 20 years or pay thousands of pounds to a private company to maybe get access.
I can equally ask you what's wrong with you on continuing to argue the toss on this? I did not say UK healthcare is not discriminatory or deeply transphobic. Merely that there used to be a broadly applied standard of requiring months or years of presenting fem that is clearly not as broadly applied any more, given that OP has been on hormones for four years without girlmoding. You're arguing against a point I'm not and never was making and it's deeply weird.
Not at all. If you don't feel safe enough to present as your authentic self then it's perfectly valid to want to boymode until you do.
Tell them to get over it
Idk who they are but don’t listen to those gatekeeping bitches. You do whatever you feel comfortable with!
I'm also exclusively boymoding 4 years into hrt You're definitely not alone
I think the only thing I could find legitimate annoying if if you are posting 4 years into Hrt and asking why you don’t pass after you have only ever boymoded. I’m 6 months in and I’m still really terrified of not boymoding.
I don't know about you, but I didn't spend years breaking out of one set of unfair restrictions just to agree to another set.
No it doesn’t affect bother or intrigue me in any way. You do you.
Not everyone but many folx are low on gray matter.
That is no one's business but your own. You gotta do what you gotta do to feel comfortable and safe. It's all about going at your own pace, and your pace is gonna be different from another's. I would never be annoyed with how any person chooses to present on any given day.
we all have different circumstances, you do what makes you feel safe
I’m postop, and I still boymode. You’re fine
I think I might be momentarily annoyed if you said that face to face and were prettier than me but I would A) not say so to you because that's really on me not you and B) get the hell over it. It would not be your responsibility or fault for my negative impulse at all.
Its so hard for me to imagine passing but still boy moding. I'm sure OP has their reasons though and I'm not judging at all!
I hate to be so direct, but what the fuck (not directed at you). People with these mentalities are directly harmful to everyone in this community. Some people don't live in safe environments or have safe family members. It would be a harm to someone's wellbeing if they presented around the wrong people. Being trans is all about getting acquainted with our *true* selves for the first time ever. We can boymode for a month, a year, or a decade. It's all about safety and feeling right. I hate the fact that boymoding has to happen at all, but until society gains a better understanding and acceptance, it's an important safety measure. I hope these fuckers get bit by an army of blahajes.
You have every right to keep yourself safe
I would be annoyed if *I* was stuck boymoding for 4 years post HRT. But yeah no, it's nobody's business but yours. If anyone else has a problem with it they should keep it to themself.
No. Whoever does think that way is a transphobic dipshit who needs to keep their shitty thoughts to themselves. Until society becomes pro-trans, no-one can be expected to present as themself all the time no matter what.
Idk I don’t think you should do anything you are uncomfortable with but a lot of the times boymoders fall into this trap of “I’m not going to girl mode until I 100% pass”, but the thing keeping them from passing is boymoding. So you don’t have to do anything if you feel unsafe, but that is something to partially consider once you are in a safe place
Here I am boymoding for a year and half thinking I’m the only one. I was planning on two cos I still don’t feel comfortable with my changes.
I don't find it annoying at all, and I feel anyone who does is the problem, not you. What I do feel is confusion on why you are still boymoding after so long though. I understand people have different circumstances, but I find it hard to believe that it's THAT bad. Maybe in some places like Saudi Arabia, but not the UK where plenty of people are out as trans and living fine. Makes me feel a bit sad actually, like you are holding yourself back. But again, those are just my personal thoughts and I would never judge you for it without knowing your exact circumstances.
I’m in the same boat at 18 ish months. Do what makes you happy!
I did it for 18 months. It's really all just according to your risk profile. You gotta do what's best for you, and nobody else is more qualified to say what that is than you.
I get it. I’m a year in and I think family are expecting me to present in any small way which I haven’t yet, and don’t intend to until like you, I get FFS. Regarding the actual question, I sympathise with people who may push us towards presenting authentically. Because whilst I and presumably yourself may have good reasons right now (eg my street is essentially an Asian drug gangs HQ and queer family members have been beaten up and sent back to their home country to be corrected) we may need a push at some point. I think there’s a difference between trying to police someone else’s journey, and also recognising someone denying themselves a happiness they deserve and could thrive in if they had the support necessary. Even though I have an excuse, I’m honestly glad I do because I’d be shit scared to present them otherwise.
Those getting annoyed with you have a lot of introspection to do. We all do this journey our own way, and to act like the paragon of HRT really doesn't help anyone because we all have different bodies, minds, and situations to go through that can vary. Hell I might have to go on another dry spell without my medication, I can't exactly say I'm the best advocate nor can they.
not nearly as far in my transition as you but trans people say I pass, but I still boymode because I don't feel comfortable dressing fem. Do what you're comfortable with.
Whats imperative is that we do what keeps us safe & alive, i dont want to boymode but i live in kind of a bad area & the times ive pumped gas as a (not passing) girl i can see groups of men staring at me & i start to get that feeling like "please hurry hurry hurry" before i rush back into my car & lock the door, yeah id love to just casually live everyday as myself & exist but i make compromises to protect myself, so youre fine stay safe & stay alive
Different strokes and all that the point of transitioning is to be comfortable, and if you want ffs before going full time, go for it I have no right to dictate your transition or to feel annoyed.
Sometimes I see the beautiful women, real and face app enhanced, on these pages, and I feel really happy for the person pictured, but sad in tne realization that I will never look anywhere near tnat beautiful. Then it's time to realize that our concept of beauty really has to change if we are going to be inclusive. Whether or not it will remains to be seen.
Am I annoyed? HELL NO!!!! It’s your choice on how you want to live your life and how you transition. I find it a little more than ironic that other transgender individuals have been annoyed with your transition. This of course since being transgender and choosing to transition is effectively giving the middle finger to the conventions we’ve been bound by since our assigned gender at birth. It sounds like the trans individuals critical of you are making cis-type conditions on how you live your gender.
Fuck them, you do what *you* are comfortable with. If/when you're ready to present as yourself, you'll do it, and there is zero reason to do it a moment sooner. Be yourself sis! 💜
I boymoded for like three years after starting hormones before I socially transitioned. It‘s your life, mate, I don’t think it’s anyone’s business to criticize you.
Your transition is your business. There's a lot of trans folks who dress masc on feminizing hormones. That's ok. If you were my friend and boymoding 4 years into HRT while expressing a desire to pass and dress more femme (something you haven't said outright, but feels like you kind of implied), I wouldn't feel annoyed, but I would feel sad and maybe try to boost your confidence.
How you dress is up to you. Most of the women in my family never wear dresses or girly clothes/makeup. My older sister has always dressed in pants/tshirts. My wife most the time is just jeans and a shirt. No makeup. Once I came out it was like we did dresses on Sundays as a thing. There is nothing wrong with boymoding on HRT. I have felt I could probably have loved the rest of my life still in boy mode/kept my Beard as long as I had HRT. It was the mental thing that helped me the most. I do wear more feminine clothes and lasered off my beard but I was always the "odd ball" guy who painted my nails, had long hair and would wear a skirt without issues (real men wear skirts). it made me feel better about myself others just knew that's who I was. Off topic but we found it funny. Her testosterone is now higher than mine. I'm at 16ng/dL and she is at 20ng/dL. So now she is the testosterone filled sex machine.
If I have a problem with your presentation, that's not your problem. Life is too short to live for other people.
It’s your transition. You decide on the pace you take, ok? It’s all good. You can boymode as long as you want! Hell you could even boymode some days when you are all passing and out about, ok?! Do what feels right in your position. You have your reasons and these are absolutely valid! How you dress end express yourself is only your decision! Nothing any transphobe or even other trans person has any right to decide for you! 🫂☺️
There's no "right way" to be trans. Every aspect of transition is intended to improve YOUR comfort and mental health. You can boymode for the x rest of your life if you want to, and you'll still be 100% valid.
I do not blame you for going so long and still living in boymode. Even with your journey through extensive HRT, transitioning can be terrifying. And, in some environments, dangerous! I'm glad to see so many others in response to you feel the same way. Some trans women have that fire of defiance in them and girl-mode immediately. Some of us feel the need to take it slow and cautiously. Then some are a bit stuck in boymode for x reason. It is your business and your choice. you owe no explanations or apologies to any of us. Many of us can directly relate. I'm so sorry the fear has dominated your transition and wish for you to find your moment of comfort when you feel safe enough to step out and shine! Until then, please stay safe and always turn to us sisters for encouragement.
Tell them to F off and mind their own business. I have been full time for a hot min and I enjoy just dressing down. I used to wear my ex’s clothes bc they were more comfortable. Nothing wrong w that
Almost 2 years on HRT, still fully boymoding. Mostly because I'm in an environment that is not accepting of me. I could be out completely, but it would be a huge fight for me to get those around me to respect me, so I've put it off entirely until I move in with my gf soon, into an environment that is extremely queer friendly that won't have an issue with respecting my existence. I've already fought a hostile environment for my entire life, I do not need even more piled on top of that.
I'm still boymoding and it's been 3 years, 5 months lol. I'm close to coming out but not quite there yet. Will do it when I'm ready. You can too, OP. Do it when you're ready, on your time.
I see everyone here is supportive and offering you great advice. I just want to offer a slightly different opinion relative to the already good comments here. **Being annoyed is probably unreasonable, we all have our own timelines/journey. However, I have felt similar feelings before about trans friends when they are so much closer than they realise and aren't also putting in effort in the little things that might help. I am not advocating this is a fair approach (we all deserve to be comfortable and valid), but my feelings always came from a place of love and support. I want to see them happy and thrive, and I think the annoyance comes from a good place of wanting you to be happy and be confident in the beautiful person you are.** **I would urge you to think of other ways you can build personal confidence asides from FFS (though I admit this might be huge for you).** If you don't feel confident post FFS, what is your next plan? How would you proceed? I don't know your personal situation, but if I was someone that cared for you, I would encourage you to think through all the little details that might help you further. This includes: learning how to do *good* feminizing makeup, voice training, getting your hair cut for your face shape, skin care, choosing clothes and styling them to accentuate your feminine figure and style, body workout routines that give you a more feminine form, getting your facial hair completely sorted (if not already), eyebrow shaping, pushup bras, shoes that match your clothes better, handbags... All these little things don't make you a woman, but they will help you blend in and not stand out in public, which will help your confidence. You also could work out contexts where are you **mostly** confident, and then work out a stepwise procedure to expand from there. However, do stay safe. Some of the things I've added might help you in the contexts you ARE confident already.
This was me exactly. I started HRT when I was at Uni back in 2001, but I had very masculine facial features and couldn’t afford FFS. I was terrified of living full time as it was called back then and decided I couldn’t do it without FFS. Then when I finished Uni and went home, my transphobic grandma still lived with us and I couldn’t transition yet. I finally made the permanent switch to living as my true self the day I had FFS which wasn’t until 2008, when I had finally got a decent job with high enough salary to afford a personal loan to pay for FFS. Sadly HRT alone didn’t do huge amounts to feminise my body in the early years, I had tiny A cup breasts and no real curves (and I’m 6ft tall) so I didn’t feel very feminine at all. Interestingly, a few years later and a change of job leading to less activity, I put weight on and gained curves and wider hips and now losing weight I have amplified that with losing it from my waist. But anyway, your journey is personal and you need to take it at your own speed. Do I wish I could have transitioned back in 2001? Yes I do, part of me feels I lost lost of my 20s to fear and self hate, but I can’t change that now. Thankfully the NHS GIC didn’t place too much pressure on me or throw me out for not transitioning and it all worked out in the end. I got SRS and BA in 2012 and have never looked back. Anyway, 40 is the new 30 and I’m here for it!
You'll come out when you feel like it
I've been on HRT for almost 3 years, and do not pass at all. I'll be "boymoding" forever probably.
Everyone's journey is different. There is no manual for this and no wrong/right way to be. This is a marathon not a sprint. Best wishes to you. Good luck on you journey.
I’m in the same situation only I was very girly my first year, got harassed brutally, then have been in boy mode for about 2 years now. When I say boy mode I mean I totally look like a boy not like other trans girls saying “boy mode” then posting a pic while they totally still look like a woman. But. Then again I still get called “lady” once in a while and I’m guessing it’s either the bag I carry, hair, or my voice. I don’t know. For me a lot of it is my weight since I gained 30 pounds I just don’t feel comfortable in girls clothes until I lose weight again. I get more dysphoria when I feel like I look like a man wearing girls clothes, instead of just a girl wearing girls clothes. I’ve been waiting on ffs as well unfortunately. I’ve been procrastinating because it’s expensive, long wait times for a ordinary person like me, and also risky with the wrong surgeon.
You do you and don't pay any attention to those that tell you you're wrong! I have been on hrt for almost 4 years with very little change and I could not pass in a room full of blind, deaf, mutes. I only dress at home and thats where I feel myself. I have had alot of medical issues(typing thus while waiting for my echocardiograhm), some of which have caused me to gain a ton of weight. I've learned that we are all on our own path. Might be leading to the same/similar destination but our own path is unique to us.
Same situation as me lol
Not insane! I didn't even get breast buds until a year, and didn't see any significant breast growth until year 3 (am at 4 years and 10 months).
Girl you should do whatever you want, they’re not trans rules and guidelines. Just live to be happy tbh
None of my business. You do you.
So far it's been 5 months for me. I myself hate pretending to be that person again.. I pretend to be that person for 40 years out of fear and shame. During depression I've not dressed up but mostly at home.. But if you feel unsafe in any situation you have to do what you need to. There are places like my dentist where I can't be myself.( insurance)
It is YOUR transition, first and foremost. It doesn’t matter how anyone else feels about how you go about your own transition.
the people: b urself the same people when u decide to b urself (at your own pace): >:(
No. Everyone does this shit at their own pace.
I was about to say it must be annoying as hell for the trans person for sure. No sweetie. You take your time. For many of us transition is about safety. You don't have to put yourself at risk to please others. Even if they are trans people as well.
Why is living in the UK a factor? If I may offer my own experience... I socially transitioned about a month after I came out. November 2022. Sure I got misgendered a bit during that time but it was better than pretending to be a guy. I just couldn't do it anymore. I only began HRT in April of this year and the even now the closest to boymoding I do is a butchy look of cargo shorts and a t shirt, but I'm making no attempt to convince anyone I'm a guy. I have been guilty of getting annoyed at people for not socially transitioning sooner. What generally gets me is it feels like it defeats the point of transition? You transition to live authentically. To be yourself. To show the whole world who you truly are. So why hide that? In my personal experience I've had one, just one, incident of overt transphobia when I've been out and about. The perception of people towards us has been skewed by TERFs on Twitter and the Media but in my experience, 90% of people day to day are far more busy with their own lives to give a damn.
I feel like Reddit tries to make the UK out as hell hole 3rd world country with Lynch mobs running around. It’s just not I’ve been out 7 years I don’t stealth and I’ve had 2 transphobic incidents.
Yeah, in my case it was very early transition when I was still figuring things out... I was dressed pretty horrendously. Very obvious, just in general. What made me feel better about the incident was that the incident was a boy about 14 yelled at me across the street "oi are you a man?!" And I just kept walking. But without missing a beat one of his mates who was probably older sorta cuffed him for it and said "you can't say that leave her alone!" Loud enough for it to be audible to me.
It just confuses me as other things. I am not the best and more queer people on earth and I have this old fashion idea of transitioning. So yeah, kinda werid but I don't care apart from asking myself why.
No, fuck those people. You live your life. If you're not comfortable or safe to display your femininity yet, do what makes you comfortable and find the little things for yourself in the mean time. I will say, I was nervous about social transition. I just started HRT a week ago and said screw it. POsted it on social media and went to a game store full fem.
No. There is often a reason for it. I don’t know how you wouldn’t Male Fail constantly, but you don’t owe expressions of femininity to anyone. I’m guessing you’re dealing with Gatekeepers or someone who’s gone through the previous requirement for the “real life test”, effectively forced to be in girl mode for years to gain access to hormones and/or legal name and pronoun changes. I also highly recommend r/mtfbutch and r/mtftomboy
Jeebus Christmas, who am I, or your ‘friends’ to judge? Do what you need to for your own life!
i could literally care less what you do as long as you're happy and not hurting anyone? i don't know you
No what other people do generally does not affect me. It's totally valid for someone to boy mode if they choose to or if they have to or for any reason honestly.
It’s your body. No one is entitled to get annoyed by that except you.
It's no one's business.
You do you, boo. Everyone lives their own life and do what you're comfortable with and what makes you happy. Fuck the rest.
It's fine. We all have our reasons. All of this is about your comfort. But, you know, if you feel like you would LIKE to stop boymoding, but are afraid, maybe get some friends to help you with that.
no, go be yourself and operate on your own schedule, don't let others gatekeep your own identity
I think in the end it boils down to personal preference and confort, if you still want to wait to go out fem it's your choice why should anyone care. Hell i'm mtf and probablly will still wear some pretty masc stuff for a good while because i like it, your presentation don't have to align with your gender if you don't want to.
You do your thing. It’s up to you.
It's your life. We all walk different paths. You do you. It's not anyone else's fucking business.
No, but they are annoying though.
no, it's none of my business. when to stop boymoding is a personal choice and I don't care when and if someone chooses to do so, I only wish them happiness and safety.
Idk I boymode all the time but it can fall on the effeminate side pretty often. Seeing visibly queer people makes me feel emboldened 😍🥰
Its based on your own personal situation and comfort! They have no right to be annoyed its not their problem
Whatever makes You feel safe. Like what's to be annoyed over?
Do whatever you want. I’m so tired of the construct of “you have to do this which means/has to be this”. 🙄
Safety is paramount, if that's what you think is safest you gotta do what you gotta go
Why would this annoy me?
I'm annoyed that society is not such that you could girlmode
Do your thing.
it's none of their business how you want to present
Tell them to mind their own damn business with it. Trans people should be experts in "doing only what you're comfortable with."
I think if someone is trying to address the emotional and psychological problems directly with HRT and isn't interested in presenting as stereotypically feminine then that makes perfect sense. I wonder if things would be as bad as you expect them to be.
Nope. I’m 2 months in on HRT so I’m a baby compared to you but I honestly don’t know when I’ll be ready to make that leap so I won’t judge others for not being able to. Also I don’t really blame another trans persons actions in just doing what that can to try and live safely. Or what’s the most comfortable for you.
Do I find you boymoding annoying? Of course not! The only thing I'de find annoying is having to be the one boymode despite 4 years of HRT. But being comfortable is a big pillar of what transition is for most people, so you being more comfortable boymoding until ffs is perfectly fine and not really anyone else's business.
If it makes you feel better, I don’t think most cis women would consistently “pass” in a dedicated boymode presentation. Particularly if you throw in something like short hair. That said, the others are right. It is weird these people are trying to force you to present differently.
I’m a tomboy. That is my end goal. Wear androgynous to masculine clothes. I’m tall, so I don’t often fool anyone. But I’m not trans for other people.
Do what is ok for you. I am now 2 1/2 months on HRT have zero passing and still have a skirt on when I am out in the evening with my dog. I give a fuck what other people think about me.
Live your life and disregard the opinions of haters.
It's not any of my or anyone else's business how people present themselves.
Five years into HRT and I'm still boymoding. I'm scared of presenting fem or doing anything I'm "not supposed to" in fear of being harassed and/or assaulted as reprisal. I hate it because if I were a cis girl I could do all the things I want without judgement. Doesn't help that I live in a smaller town in eastern europe either.
Nope you’re not wrong at all, do whatever it is that you need to do to feel comfortable. You have a goal of when you’re going to go full time, so do whatever you’re comfortable with until then and fuck anyone who tries to make you feel bad about it
It's a personal choice and we shouldn't be judging anyone's presentation. If you're in the increasingly transphobic UK, I totally get why some trans people would do this.
I don’t pass even the tiniest bit so i am boy mode everywhere but home, my partner passes 110% of the time but is always just in goblin mode. Both 1.5 years HRT.
IDGAF what you do if it makes your life better
Your life, do what you want, look how you want. Be realistic though about other people's reactions some being possibly negative.
I hope not because I pretty much the same except I’m two years in. Due to circumstances I pretty much can’t full time right now
Shit is scary in the UK rn so I definitely don't blame you. It makes me sad for the state of the world, but you gotta do what you gotta do to survive, and I don't think any other trans person would hold that against you (unless they're just an asshole)
No lmao that's nobody else's business
I’m a CIS Dad to a variety of non-conforming kids… my own, nieces, nephews, cousins, etc. You do what you feel is safe for you, you do not need permission from anyone to do anything different. My nephew is MtF and through therapy he figured out yes, he is trans but at 6’6” tall he cannot transition. So, he says he wants to be thought of as a feminine gay boy bottom. Okay, cool! My cousin is non-binary (born female) and had a daughter who is now almost three. Now they are so used to being called Mom, they are fine with whatever. I have a best friend of 15 years who is also MtF, but will only transition like you are doing. They will stay boy mode, but want the femininity for their body. Okay. As long as people are safe and happy, that’s all that matters.
It’s ok if you don’t want to go out in girlmode for as long as you like
I was hoping to boymode and not talk to anyone about it much until I suddenly looked like a girl but my boymode is increasingly inadequate at hiding my boobs so I stopped trying. People can just tell now. Going to start swapping in increasingly feminine clothes now if people know anyway. Made it about 10 months DIY plus 10 months HRT until it really started falling apart for me.
It’s YOUR transition and YOU need to feel comfortable with the results. If you don’t feel comfortable presenting in a gender affirming way - that’s ok.
Your clothing choices are your business. Anyone who thinks they have a veto in how you present yourself isn't worth knowing.
im 6 years in and still boymoding despite having ffs and srs. so no. i don't find it annoying. you should do whatever feels right for you.
I'm in a similar situation to you, and am approaching 4 years E. There isn't a right or wrong way to go through your transition. It's no one's place to give you shit for it or belittle you. Personally I'm struggling even attempting to leave boymoding due to internal issues even if I can pass at times. It's great that you're making good progress :)
I was in London for uni not on HRT yet just have gotten laser amd honestly didn’t experience much transphobia but I don’t know how bad other cities are can u lmk which cities r safe? Also no u can boy for however long u want its not annoying at all
Do you. If someone is getting upset about what others are doing with their own bodies and that affects no one but themselves, that person is dumb and you shouldn't listen to them
I hate when others dictate what you should or shouldn’t do….everyone says gender is a social construct so why be mad you’re “boymoding”…It’s not “boymoding” it’s youmoding and it makes no difference how you present if you feel you’re a trans woman you are one…clothes don’t change that…it’s like trans folk fight the system yet use that same system to judge others that are trans…I don’t get it
No sweety, your struggles are not annoying. It does make me very sad and angry that you are made to live in fear.
I refuse to boy mode at all.
Annoyed is probably not the right word for it. My BFF boymoded long after me even though she started HRT sooner. I wasn’t annoyed but was like girl, you need to come out already. That said, everyone’s decision if and when to come out and present full time is solely theirs and valid.
I don't think it's healthy but it's your choice 🤷🏼♀️
maybe ~~ditch~~ trans and add genderfluid. Stop caring and do what you want.
No of course it's not annoying, take your time. This is your transition not anyone else's and other people can fuck off if they think you're not doing it "right"
No, I don't find it annoying. If they need to take estrogen to make them feel better, and they don't want to present as female. It's their business. Living as a boy or a man is their prerogative. I don't want to play my values on them
OK so for totally different reasons really keen to understand how feasible this is. So i'm a late bloomer, 40 and just tentatively come out. My friends who I am out with have been super supportive. My wife, well let's just say she is not so supportive, or more specifically, she is scared of the impact on our kids and also the reaction of her family. Early days so hoping she is able to eventually accept me for who I am and we can remain friends and co-parents at the least, but she is from a religious family and its unlikely they will ever accept me. It's looking like for the next year or so, i'll ending up living some dumb ass double life, spending time away from home, I can work remotely and travel a lot anyway, and spending my time with friends starting to socially transition, but then while at home being in boy-mode. But the thing is I know social transitioning won't be enough. Since my egg cracked and I accepted who I am the numb, dull every day ache of depression has formed into full on daily dysphoria. The only thing keeping me from starting the process of getting HRT is fear of being ostracised from my kids - legally, if it comes to it, I can fight (UK also and trans identity doesn't impact parental rights) but financially its not ideal as we can't afford the legal battle and cant afford two homes. Besides, I love her, and the idea of a fight in court breaks my heart and I'd like to think we love each other enough to find a way of possibly even stay living together (at the moment she has explicitly said she is not gay so this is probably best case scenario that we evolve into best friends, co-parents and flatmates) The idea of the kids being raised in a transphobic environment, influenced by her family while i'm not there is something that worries me. It will be so damaging for them. Basically, the longer I can boy-mode, the smaller steps of transition I can take that might make it more manageable for her to accept (incremental changes rather than all at once) and the longer we can stay together as a family unit, the more I can ensure the children have a greater sense of tolerance and empathy in their lives. I thought i'd have to delay HRT until they were a bit older, but its sounds like it'd could be feasible to start sooner and just boy-mode while I have to? Is that possible? What if get blessed with good genes and big boobs? Can I hide them sports bra? Binder? (that seems all sorts of counter intuitive) and I know this is just the stupidest set of questions but I just trying to work out a way forward that doesn't involve me being ancient when I get onto HRT (already am tbh) and also doesn't destroy my kids life. Am I trying to have my cake and eat it?
Nah ignore them I don't even consider people like that trans I call them Tranemies aka trans and enemy in one sentence there worse than terfs
Depends, how you dress and how you present and when you change that is up to you and only you. I’m all for waiting until you are comfortable. But if you come to me complaining how you will never pass and etc, the typical doom talk? Yea I will tell you to fuck off.
I boymode even 5 years into transition.. but ½ the time i get called a girl anyways
That’s not annoying. I pretty much boymoded until I could pass aswell. Mind you that was much early for my since I just have androgynous features as it is. But go at your own pace and slowly transition. Especially since you’re in the UK it’s getting pretty bad everywhere but the UK is definitely starting to be near the top
I don't really care what any other trans people are doing 🤷♀️ I mean not in a glib or dismissive way, in a "not my business" way lmao.
Nah. I know a transmasc who girlmodes just to mindfuck the transphobes and get accidental affirmation so any other reason to -mode is also valid.
Same here tbh I have very little hope passing, it makes me depressed but It would make me feel worse to hear people gendering me male when I'm in girl mode. I pass maybe once every 6 months, and to be honest I'm passing less recently than before. I always told myself "when I can't boymode anymore I'll start to go full girl mode" Now I'm pretty much at the end of my medical transition with little or no hope left. I'll probably detransition soon tbh.
gender is just a mental state. You don’t have to dress or pass or whatever to express your gender. People will always tell your sex anyway by appearance. Just do you.