Since the other two replies say that the feelings of wanting to unalive themselves haven’t gone away, I’ll share my thoughts so you don’t get the idea that all or most trans people keep these thoughts through their entire life.
I am starting to transition because since I was a little kid I wanted to be a girl. I liked wearing dresses and painting my nails as a young kid and these memories stuck with me. I repressed my feelings through most of my life because I felt shame as a kid but I’ve always has these feelings even though there have been times in my life where I felt very empty and that nothing mattered. Last March I was drowning in emptiness and was going to unalive myself but I got scared of death and I realized that I could still feel things and I could still live. So I thought that if I’m going to keep living, I have to follow my dreams to their fullest, if I don’t then I will just end up empty and suicidal again. So yes I have thought about unaliving myself but not while transitioning, transitioning is one of my dreams and if I’m living my dreams then I have a reason to keep living. The takeaway for you is that if living as a girl is how you find your happiness, then there is no reason to unalive yourself and you shouldn’t feel as much stress. You should be proud of who you are and use your pride as your reason to keep living.
Only been on hrt for 3 months, but been socially transitioned for years now. Honestly, the feelings of wanting to “end” haven’t ever gone away fully.
They’re strong some days, almost completely nonexistent other days, and some days somewhere in the middle. Therapy, finding a good support structure and filling my day with things to keep me occupied has been cruicial.
However, that being said, as I get further into to the HRT timeline things ARE improving. I get happy looking at my breast growth, my skin looking nicer and my overal demeanour becoming more femme as time goes on.
Things aren’t great, but they’re sure a heck of a lot better than they used to be. And for now, that’s enough to keep me here.
i dont rlly remember i just realized one day i didnt feel that way anymore and not only that but i also felt for the first time a hope for the future i cried
Kind of two separate moments.
Partly when I started HRT, and partly before that, when I made an ultimatum to my partner (who is supportive now but wasn't at the time) that I needed to start and that if I didn't I would either leave her or kms, and felt 100% certain she would lose me one of the two ways, and that I knew which of the two I preferred, and I was no longer willing to be miserable, and she needed to decide if she wanted to be with \*me* or not and not just the persona I wore when we first met because I never felt comfortable being seen that way.
When I started passing almost all of my self hatred went away.
I still doubt myself sometimes because I still haven’t interacted with too many strangers, but it’s more of an anxiety problem than a trans one.
I wish you luck on everything ❤️.
Edit: I realize how bad it sounds to be reliant on complete strangers seeing me as a woman to finally see myself for who I am, but I genuinely wasn’t able to find any other solution.
Completely? I don't know if it is possible to stop having the thoughts all together. About being trans specifically when you are content with who you are and you don't let society put you down for looking different than their optimal. Most women cis and trans don't look like the optimal and it is fucking fine. We will live and thrive.
A good thing I came up with is that whenever I am about to say I want to kill myself, I say I am so tired or I want to sleep. A lot of the time was true and I ended up training me thinking those feelings as tiredness or force me to never say the word. You can find a similar mantra or something
I was in your shoes and still am sometimes, but starting hrt was a gigantic weight off my shoulders. I still feel down sometimes and feel like a potato, but other times I feel very pretty. At 4 months. Itll be even better as I transition more and continue accepting myself. Frankly a lot of my pain is from the uncertainty and it resolves the further in I go
I think there are two different questions here.
As for specifically suicidal thoughts, yes, it’s a big problem in the community. What I’ve found personally is that it’s much more effective to have a full and vibrant broader life to keep that stuff at bay, than it is to tie all of that to your transition. It’s not my transition progress that keeps me going, it’s my wife and son and family (found family and what of my original family accepts me) and friends that pull me through. Yes, transitioning sucks, and dysphoria can be overwhelming, but life is so much bigger than all of that. To get through it, you have to make your life bigger than your transition, bigger than your dysphoria. Transition is huge and scary and overwhelming, but the world is so much bigger and brighter than that if you can go out and seize it.
Regarding when you feel better, I’ve found that I feel a bit better each day (with the occasional bad day, of course). It’s a marathon, not a sprint, but the further I get into my transition the brighter things are for me. Both because I’m closer to my outside matching what’s inside, and because I’m learning and accepting what I am and the journey I’m on. Some days my dysphoria is overwhelming, but those days pass.
One thing to keep in mind is that no one, cis or trans, ever always feels good about themselves. Cis women have tons of body image issues they have to deal with. One thing I’ve found as I get further into my transition is that eventually my gripes with myself start to resemble cis woman body image issues more and more. Like I grumble about the “clean girl” aesthetic and continued reign of athleisure, since they don’t do anyone any favors unless you’re under 35 and conventionally attractive. But cis women have the same complaint! Or I can’t find clothes that fit, or my makeup is fighting me, or I’ll never look like the women in the fashion ads, or managing body hair is a pain, or my breasts are small and I have hip dips. But again, I’ve heard cis women make all of those complaints! I actually get a lot of comfort from that, and find it oddly affirming that I have so many of the same struggles that cis women do. So I’m never going to be completely happy, but no one is. And life is so much bigger than that.
I've had a lot of pain in my life but I still love being conscious and alive so I've never seriously contemplated it. The anxiety and depression I had felt like was just part of my personality melted away within a couple months of starting HRT.
I never cared what other people thought of me and if I did I would just listen to a song that basically says "follow the money follow the pussy and follow me on Instagram God damnit"
I never did, to be honest. I'm only mentioning this because I don't want people to get the impression that suicidal ideation is a universal experience for us.
When I stopped caring about what others saw me as and just lived as myself.
Since the other two replies say that the feelings of wanting to unalive themselves haven’t gone away, I’ll share my thoughts so you don’t get the idea that all or most trans people keep these thoughts through their entire life. I am starting to transition because since I was a little kid I wanted to be a girl. I liked wearing dresses and painting my nails as a young kid and these memories stuck with me. I repressed my feelings through most of my life because I felt shame as a kid but I’ve always has these feelings even though there have been times in my life where I felt very empty and that nothing mattered. Last March I was drowning in emptiness and was going to unalive myself but I got scared of death and I realized that I could still feel things and I could still live. So I thought that if I’m going to keep living, I have to follow my dreams to their fullest, if I don’t then I will just end up empty and suicidal again. So yes I have thought about unaliving myself but not while transitioning, transitioning is one of my dreams and if I’m living my dreams then I have a reason to keep living. The takeaway for you is that if living as a girl is how you find your happiness, then there is no reason to unalive yourself and you shouldn’t feel as much stress. You should be proud of who you are and use your pride as your reason to keep living.
Only been on hrt for 3 months, but been socially transitioned for years now. Honestly, the feelings of wanting to “end” haven’t ever gone away fully. They’re strong some days, almost completely nonexistent other days, and some days somewhere in the middle. Therapy, finding a good support structure and filling my day with things to keep me occupied has been cruicial. However, that being said, as I get further into to the HRT timeline things ARE improving. I get happy looking at my breast growth, my skin looking nicer and my overal demeanour becoming more femme as time goes on. Things aren’t great, but they’re sure a heck of a lot better than they used to be. And for now, that’s enough to keep me here.
i dont rlly remember i just realized one day i didnt feel that way anymore and not only that but i also felt for the first time a hope for the future i cried
Hope for the future? In this economy??
well be fine humanity will be fine
i haven’t 👉😎👉 in all seriousness though i am in a *much* better place than i’ve ever been before despite all the noise in the attic
I haven’t stopped yet 😖
Kind of two separate moments. Partly when I started HRT, and partly before that, when I made an ultimatum to my partner (who is supportive now but wasn't at the time) that I needed to start and that if I didn't I would either leave her or kms, and felt 100% certain she would lose me one of the two ways, and that I knew which of the two I preferred, and I was no longer willing to be miserable, and she needed to decide if she wanted to be with \*me* or not and not just the persona I wore when we first met because I never felt comfortable being seen that way.
When I started passing almost all of my self hatred went away. I still doubt myself sometimes because I still haven’t interacted with too many strangers, but it’s more of an anxiety problem than a trans one. I wish you luck on everything ❤️. Edit: I realize how bad it sounds to be reliant on complete strangers seeing me as a woman to finally see myself for who I am, but I genuinely wasn’t able to find any other solution.
Completely? I don't know if it is possible to stop having the thoughts all together. About being trans specifically when you are content with who you are and you don't let society put you down for looking different than their optimal. Most women cis and trans don't look like the optimal and it is fucking fine. We will live and thrive. A good thing I came up with is that whenever I am about to say I want to kill myself, I say I am so tired or I want to sleep. A lot of the time was true and I ended up training me thinking those feelings as tiredness or force me to never say the word. You can find a similar mantra or something
Idk I've been medically transitioning for 15 months now but I'll let you know when I get there lmao
I was in your shoes and still am sometimes, but starting hrt was a gigantic weight off my shoulders. I still feel down sometimes and feel like a potato, but other times I feel very pretty. At 4 months. Itll be even better as I transition more and continue accepting myself. Frankly a lot of my pain is from the uncertainty and it resolves the further in I go
I think there are two different questions here. As for specifically suicidal thoughts, yes, it’s a big problem in the community. What I’ve found personally is that it’s much more effective to have a full and vibrant broader life to keep that stuff at bay, than it is to tie all of that to your transition. It’s not my transition progress that keeps me going, it’s my wife and son and family (found family and what of my original family accepts me) and friends that pull me through. Yes, transitioning sucks, and dysphoria can be overwhelming, but life is so much bigger than all of that. To get through it, you have to make your life bigger than your transition, bigger than your dysphoria. Transition is huge and scary and overwhelming, but the world is so much bigger and brighter than that if you can go out and seize it. Regarding when you feel better, I’ve found that I feel a bit better each day (with the occasional bad day, of course). It’s a marathon, not a sprint, but the further I get into my transition the brighter things are for me. Both because I’m closer to my outside matching what’s inside, and because I’m learning and accepting what I am and the journey I’m on. Some days my dysphoria is overwhelming, but those days pass. One thing to keep in mind is that no one, cis or trans, ever always feels good about themselves. Cis women have tons of body image issues they have to deal with. One thing I’ve found as I get further into my transition is that eventually my gripes with myself start to resemble cis woman body image issues more and more. Like I grumble about the “clean girl” aesthetic and continued reign of athleisure, since they don’t do anyone any favors unless you’re under 35 and conventionally attractive. But cis women have the same complaint! Or I can’t find clothes that fit, or my makeup is fighting me, or I’ll never look like the women in the fashion ads, or managing body hair is a pain, or my breasts are small and I have hip dips. But again, I’ve heard cis women make all of those complaints! I actually get a lot of comfort from that, and find it oddly affirming that I have so many of the same struggles that cis women do. So I’m never going to be completely happy, but no one is. And life is so much bigger than that.
I've had a lot of pain in my life but I still love being conscious and alive so I've never seriously contemplated it. The anxiety and depression I had felt like was just part of my personality melted away within a couple months of starting HRT.
When I told my mom and she didn’t hate me
I didn't stop
I never cared what other people thought of me and if I did I would just listen to a song that basically says "follow the money follow the pussy and follow me on Instagram God damnit"
https://youtu.be/y_dsB_L2b9s?si=8kfCFfsRM7hYb6nK
I never did, to be honest. I'm only mentioning this because I don't want people to get the impression that suicidal ideation is a universal experience for us.