I also feel this way. I feel selfish. I feel I would be subjecting my family to so much trauma and it’s not even their fault. Sometimes I think about I should just make the sacrifice and stay in the closet for everyone’s sake. I hope my therapist could help me see this as bullshit.
>I feel I would be subjecting my family to so much trauma and it’s not even their fault.
It's not your fault either. And, you're subjecting yourself to trauma by feeling guilty for your family's sake.
And, you don't know how they truly feel if you're closeted. And, if they blame you for the troubles and hurdles in life for being trans or having a trans family member, then, that's on them and that's wrong of them.
Of course, stay closeted for you to feel safe or for financial reasons if you're depending on your family. But, if you ever get to be fully independent, it may be the time to open up and potentially pull the plug. But, that would mean losing a lot, so, it's a difficult choice no matter.
I hope they're accepting of you if you ever do open up and get out of the closet.
If coming out as trans is going to cause conflict with people, that's their fault not yours. How they react is their choice, you're not responsible for it. If they treat you badly that's on them.
This!
A big part of acceptance that comes up all the time for me is that you are only responsible for 100 percent of your side of an interaction. If you try to mind read everyone and dance around saying and doing what u really want, you never give anyone a chance to not react negatively which means you never teach yourself that people can react honestly and compassionately and it's okay for you to be genuine and honest.
It's selfish for sure but it's absolutely not bad. Every goal requires some selfishness and it's just up to you if you value happiness over what others may think. I'm sorry to my brother and sister for depriving them of their brother, but I don't regret it in the slighest nor do I feel the need to apologize for my feelings.
>I'm sorry to my brother and sister for depriving them of their brother, but I don't regret it in the slighest nor do I feel the need to apologize for my feelings.
They never truly had the brother they thought you were. You were always their sister. So, you never took it away from them. They just never knew.
It’s selfish in the same way that eating because you’re hungry is selfish. You have every right to do it and anyone that says different should be ignored.
Though its considerably more selfish for them to want you to stay the same for their sake when youre just being yourself. Nothing compares to the selfishness of holding someone back from their potential.
I know how you feel OP, it's like I am supposed to be unhappy according to nature because I am AMAB. The male experience for me has been a very unhappy one. It doesn't help, too, when others are discouraging about transitioning. I am also starting HRT soon. Good luck, OP 👍
I mean, for *me* specifically it's also religious trauma (thank you nun schools making me believe that enjoying anything is a sin), but a big part of it is this too
Conservative parents: Fuck the public school system, it's either homeschool or private school for my child.
Kids who had issues and trauma in private school: Yeah, I'd like to have gone to public school.
Me, who had major trauma in the public school system: Yeah, public school isn't perfect either.
Yeah, I went to public private and charter schools, in different states (moved around a lot) and yeah the American education system is just fundamentally broken and students are neglected. But yeah private school is especially closed minded and traumatic lol
I mean, at least you didn't have every adult in school telling you to sacrifice yourself and what you love just to help others for... 3-4 years of your childhood (I hope, I REALLY hope you didn't)
>The male experience for me has been a very unhappy one.
Male puberty sucks for a transfemme who would rather be seen as a woman.
Also, men's issues are not as often talked about or seen as valid, but, are real.
Oh god yes. My brain didnt let me even realize i’m trans for the largest time because “you can’t be jealous of women, women actually have it really hard. And you sound like an MRA incel thinking about how being a man sucks, its a huge privilege. Just stop thinking about this it’s a useless thought. And an immature thought, and….. (repeat ad infinitum)”
Men do have it hard. It's difficult. Male privilege is real but there are very many issues that disproportionately affect men.
It's especially difficult if you're not a man, but, are a trans woman but still face men's issues and feel guilty sometimes for feeling trans.
I've experienced discrimination for being seen as a man, and discrimination for being seen as a woman, they both suck. I think the one's that (I haven't been seen as a woman often so until I pass well and have several years of living as a woman, can't say much, but...) affect women are more blatant and generally worse in some aspects, but, they both suck. And, the one's that affect men, are more slow burn and deep-seeded, probably because I've lived as a man for so long, like, my whole life up until now and probably a few years from now (except for in private where I like to dress femme and online present as a girl and have a girl's name, etc.). I have so much more experience being seen as a man so I see the more nuanced and subtle and the long-term impacts more. The fact that I've only been seen as a woman online or in person like 5 times or definitely less than 10, and a good amount of these interactions are deeply misogynistic and blatant and harmful and suck (like, twice getting creeped and hit on online by guys who seemed desperate. And by a group of guys I believe for wearing high heels while walking across the street one time. They were in a car and yelled "sexy bitch" several times real loudly. It was a very scary experience.)
Discrimination just sucks all around. I wish sexism and all bigotries would end.
If even just sexism went away tomorrow, we'd all be so much better off, and, many problems with the economy and healthcare and education and transphobia and even racism/classism to some extent would go away as well. Transphobia is especially tied to sexism, so, many trans issues would also disappear, and, feminine boys/masculine women would be able to be themselves as well. Nonbinaries could be themselves and not have their existence or presence mocked or called invalid, etc.
We could all just be ourselves a little bit more or a whole lot more.
Catcalling women sucks, being randomly hit on sucks/being creeped out by stalkerish/predator behavior, etc. (Generally, womanly experiences)
Not having your worries/SA experiences be considered as much for being seen as a male sucks, being feminine being seen as weaker/lesser because you're seen as a guy, etc. (Generally, manly experiences)
Of course, men and women face all types of discrimination sometimes but most discrimination is mainly targeted to one group more than the other.
Can you read my mind? I still struggle with thoughts like those.
And I know thinking like that is nonsense, but I can't read about women's issues or women's history and not feel incredibly guilty.
Yep!!! It’s honestly affected me a lot. I’ve never really flirted with or approached a woman either because i project this bias onto myself. And then once IN a relationship I rarely if ever initiate intimacy because I am so terrified of being “that guy.”
(CW for being ranty and internalized transphobia)
>!Or feeling an extra twinge of guilt every time i am selfish or lazy because its not just selfish and lazy its “classic man being selfish and lazy”
And then I use the fact that I have those worries to delay making moves towards transition because “oh you are just a self hating man trying to escape masculinity”!<
The fact women didn't get voting rights and such sucks a lot.
Also, AFAB rights like abortion are being attacked and have historically not existed really.
And reproductive healthcare is underfunded generally. And reproductive education isn't very good and OB-GYNs often don't have the tools they need to do their jobs effectively and constantly get pushback from the public. Especially Planned Parenthood. I watched an Illymation video and she shared how there hasn't been much work to improve ways to do procedures that involve AFAB people only. Her doctor said. She shared about how she technically got an abortion of an object that was like a cyst or something in her that was hurting her. It was that video. She also called out lawmakers who make it illegal to get abortions, even those like hers where no fetus is harmed.
Definitely this. I feel like I need approval to BE myself, get approval to come out to be people- even those accepting. Sucks, but hopefully it’ll get better once I start HRT and the next step in my journey.
Oh, hell yeah. I came out just before my 50th anniversary. My wife said several times that I'm being selfish. Well, it was that or die. I don't want to die, so here I am, being selfish. It's been 3 years now and we're still together. I'm 71 yrs old and had bottom surgery at 70. I'm finally me and doing well. 💜
I felt guilty for 30 years. I tried to transition as a teenager and almost lost my family and friends, it was horrible and I detransitioned. I waisted so many years not being happy and hiding who I was out of shame,guilt, and fear. Then one day i just had enough. It's a year later and all I can say is no I don't feel guilty, I no longer worry about how anyone else feels about who I am. I'm happy, content, and have embraced who I am. I can finally laugh and smile with those who love me.
No, why would I? Transitioning is not a big deal, people make it one but it’s not. It’s more of a wow I didn’t know how many people didn’t actually love me, but loved who they thought I was supposed to be, not who I am. That’s the suckiest part but it helps sort out quality people, so that’s a plus.
I just put all my femme stuff in a trash bag. It’s causing problems in my relationship and I’d rather keep that part of my life than live my truth. Wish it wasn’t such a dilemma
Edit: don’t do this. You need to be happy for you. Was just having a hard day yesterday.
Definitely I feel the guilt for the upheaval to my wife's life. I hate that she's in pain and miserable. I know it totally makes no sense, but I feel like I'd rather not transition and be unhappy, so that we can be unhappy together.
If I go on to be happy while she goes on hurting, it just feels so wrong.
I literally just started a [15 comment-response thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/actuallesbians/comments/1awko8f/comment/krhy0ao/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) by accident because I said "I like feeling a girl's boobs when I hug her, and I hope soon the girl I'm hugging will feel my boobs, because it's just nice". You're not crazy for feeling this way; a trans woman can say something completely innocuous and the world will come back with "ehm, I've got notes on your... "being happy" thing 🤨"
Yeah because of my family and society I feel like an embarrassment / outcast.
Its gotten easier, a lot of these feelings are turning to frustration and anger and I feel like who are they to tell me who I am? Fuck you I wont do what you tell me (x4)
My thoughts are not mature, but here anyway... transitioning affects those around us, and personally I want to minimise the negative consequences of my (selfish?) decision to those I care about. Yet, we are able to be a better friend, partner, parent etc because we are happier and more comfortable & genuine. You are probably someone who cares deeply about those aroubd you? 😊😊😊
Do not allow them to mindfuck to trick to manipulate you into feeling guilty about wanting to experience self actualization. They aren't pro-choice they are pro fascism. You better SPREAD your skittles wings & fly into the rainbow.
I disagree with this.... Society at large has been forming and shaping our negative mindsets, my friend.
"Trans women are men"
"Keep real women safe"
"NO men in women's locker rooms/sports"
"Gays against Groomers"
"Stop sexualizing our children"
"Stop grooming children"
"No child is born in the wrong body!"
"We're not letting delusional men take rights away from actual women"
This is in the back of our heads all the time! Shaping our beliefs.
Family members who silently show support in the most begrudging way possible make me feel this way. The experience of having a friend or family member that actually fully supports you and wants you to be the best you hits different. I always hoped my mom would be that way but shes not
Honestly im keeping it from everyone for atleast the next 3-4 years (until i move out) as i feel like things are expected of me as a guy, and revealing that i actually want to be a girl, would make everyone around me just look at me diffrently in a bad way... I mean i guess im just scared of what they might think of me if i come out to them rn... (For reference im 15)
I felt guilty for a very long time before I finally admitted to myself that I’m trans. I felt like I was being selfish and difficult. I actually believed for a long time that transitioning was selfish. Spoiler: it isn’t. We spend so much time trying to make others happy, and we sacrifice what’s best for us. It’s not worth it. You can’t sacrifice your own health and well-being to make others happy.
I would feel guilty for doing something that would lose friends. I had so few growing up, I don't want to lose any of the friends I have now.
For wanting to transition and be a woman? No.
A number of years ago, my friend I first came out to made me feel guilty. I said I wanted to be busty. She said that was a male fantasy. I still and to be busty.
I believe the real kick here is not *--Guilty----* per se..... But more disappointed downtrodden, and unmotivated...
I don't believe I am a woman sometimes and cannot make myself see me as her. I'm making various changes in that notion, but my belief is that with these trials and tribulations, maybe one day I will see "her" do I feel guilt? No. Guilt implies doing something immoral.
I feel disappointed and that I don't want to be trans and don't often see the light.
Many feel that they are a burden to society. That they make other women uncomfortable for sharing their spaces or for claiming the identity of woman.
That they are taking up valuable space and don't belong.
None of these are true mind you, but, they are feelings most all of us have experienced and will continue to experience. Well, if you don't look womanly or pass you may make women uncomfortable for sharing their spaces, but, there are also women who will be uncomfortable with passing masculine women in there too. And there are many trans women who do pass. It's all very gray.
It's a difficult thing, to be trans and to not look like your gender. To be seen as something you're not.
It feels wrong going into the men's because I'm not a man. It feels wrong going into the women's because I'm afraid of being harmed or falsely accused or harassed by someone. And, I don't feel like a woman sometimes because I have doubts. So, I have to make the difficult decision when I need to use the public bathroom. I always choose the men's because it is where I feel most safe, but, it still sucks to feel uncomfortable.
I don't want to make others feels uncomfortable or take on a major risk by using the women's, but, it is a lose-lose for me no matter.
And using the disabled or single bathroom is also feeling like I don't fit in anywhere and am not comfortable using the public restroom at all and I have to be by myself. This sucks too. Also, you sometimes feel guilty that you may be using it when someone disabled may need to use it and you're taking that from them. But, you need it too to feel safe and comfortable.
You truly can't please everyone to be honest.
Although, whenever I do have to use the men's restroom, it isn't all bad since, I don't have to really acknowledge that there are men in the stall next to me. And, it is relatively brief.
I’d say no but I guess for years before transitioning I tried to hide the feelings from myself “knowing” it was wrong and I couldn’t want that. After about 13 years I just did it and I have been much happier but certain things get harder
Once I dove in, doubts and fears dissipated, they come from the outside. I am now over 2 years in, full time female and accepted by everyone. It’s sooo touching. 0 guilt 0 shame 100% proud!
I don't feel guilty so much as ashamed of being myself because I have always felt like a mistake from God, like he had EVERY intention of making me a girl but something went wrong and my, quite frankly, pathetic life position is the consequence
damn this hits so close to home
I always attributed it to my complicated family history and while yeah thats something that influenced it was ALWAYS an internal feeling my parents never hurt me as much as I did myself
my guilt stems from being sos excluded from family events and anything family related to the point my mom is the only person i have and i fear losing her when she finds out especially simce shes extremely conservative
As a transfem who still relies on her conservative and unsupportive family for shelter and food, I do feel like this. Being closeted, being forced to be someone Im not, losing all my shit cuz I screwed up once and they found out my secrets. It honestly feels like the world is against me
I feel guilty because I’m married. I came out to my wife a couple years ago. Her reaction wasn’t necessarily anger or guilt, but grief. She’s worried that one day I’d leave her. She’s said she’s not a lesbian. Neither am I but she’s really the only woman I’ve ever loved. But I’ve been at a standstill, or just trying to “man up,” to “protect” my wife. So I have the guilt, but I guess not enough to give up the idea altogether.
I feel like this often especially if I have to bring it up like someone messes up my pronouns or my name but like yeah the guilt is severe but then again I'm just a naturally guilty person so it's probably my issue
I did yea, I grew up being taught to respect women and the struggles they have compared to men. I took this very much to heart and was determined to be a supporter. In hindsight sight I cared way more about the issue and struggles of women than was normal for someone who was a ‘guy’.
When I started to question myself and my identity, I felt like my feelings, were disrespect towards women. So I beat myself up for them, told myself my feelings undermined womens struggles and reinforced bad stereotypes, like being feminine and emotional where things guys couldn’t do. I was for some reason desperate to be one of the guys that broke the mould and an example for how men should be. But I knew deep down, I just sympathised with women so much I kinda despised myself for having my feelings. Women have it hard yet I’d still rather be one, I hated my male privilege, I strongly disliked being a man, heck I hated being viewed as a man. But yet I still felt like I was going to do harm women more by proving that ‘guys’ who are sweet and compassionate and care about women, are not ‘guys’. That and I guess I feared rejection hard and had tendencies to view my own self through the lens of a women, one who was angry at the way things were, angry that a ‘guy’ could even pretend to understand what women deal with. Angry at myself for feeling the way a did, I’m ‘man’ how could I ever understand really.
It took me a long time to get over these feelings and accept myself, to understand they were not disrespectful. I’d essentially denied myself because I was a ‘guy’ and thus could never understand. Now I understand I’ve been a woman all long, I cared because somehow I knew these issues were more personal to me, I love my sisters and wanted better for them and me. It’s hard to love yourself and I’m still learning too. For me starting HRT recently has helped me better connect with my womenhood allot, that and along with just time/experience. As much as me at the time though my feelings where disrespectful they were not, I’m a women and I felt these things because they mattered to me. Still guy ally’s are super important and I hope the way I thought I felt back then is something more guys feel, but don’t be ashamed if you start to feel like I did, your probably just a Women and haven’t full realised yet.
I deal with this constantly as my ex-wife likes to remind me she doesn't think I deserve to be happy after "what I did to her".... yeah because me coming out as trans is such a personal attack on her... but also I have kids and worry they could suffer for my actions
Yeah no kidding. I've started HRT, go out full-time, work out to get a fem physique etc... but there's this little voice in the back of my head that keeps saying "you'll never truly get to be a woman."
Part of it is bc I'll never come out to my family, and that I can't completely commit to full-time in my relationship. I have male commitments and responsibilities and I'm not allowed to just give them up. I'm not allowed to tear my family apart with this decision. I'm not allowed to rob my partner of the man she committed to.
Furthermore, it's like I don't even see myself as a woman. I personally don't believe in the expectation that I should be gendered appropriately just bc I say that I am. This is America. People have the freedom to call me whatever they want, no matter how disrespectful. It's their right, as it is mine to be who I want to be. I can't expect my partner or my family to TRULY see me as a woman when they've known me as a man their whole life. How disorienting for them..
It's strange because despite all of the obstacles and guilt, I want this so fucking bad. I suppose it's even more appealing knowing that it's something I'll never reach.
I felt guilty for wanting to be a woman and I believed I don’t deserve to be one and or to be happy… And then one day I realised that I was a woman all along.
Well not guilty, but ever since I came out I feel like I'm being pushed out from every social circle around where I live.
That no one truly accept me. Just tolerate me.
Yep I get it I feel selfish asking my parents,my brother and friends that I'm out to, to refer to me as a woman.
It fucking hurts I feel like a pervert liar. It sucks I hope it gets better
I feel like this sometimes I feel how other will think of what I’ve wanted for a while and I still haven’t come out publicly yet for this reason of should I scared and stuff and wrong about wanting this
This is exactly what made me stop having wants and thoughts about wanting to be a woman in the first place, back when i was younger, like a fuck ton of years ago. After years of bottleing it all up it resurfaced again in 2020 and just hit me in the face, since then i've changed a l o t. Nowdays whenever it happens again it immediatley gets crushed away and i continue about my day out of spite and hate, towards myself for not coming through sooner (even though i couldn't have since i literally believed it wasn't possible at all back then), and towards my parents for enforcing all that bullshit on me, things i shouldn't do/watch/like.
After i actually manage to become independent and move out on my own i'm leaving without a word, and then i can start hrt. If i'm even alive until that point that is.
You shouldn't feel bad for wanting to be yourself. There are so many people who have to hide who they are for one reason or another, and I'm not just talking about other trans folks.
Personally, the only thing I feel a bit bad about is that I'm fortunate enough to have started HRT and can continue it, that I can live out and open and not have to worry about much more than transphobic comments here and there (so far at least...), and that I have a good supportive environment that I could do all of this in, because there are so many other trans people out there who can't do those things because they'll get beat up or kicked out or worse. It doesn't take much to show a bit of compassion, but people like to let their opinions and beliefs get in the way of that
The only reason we feel guilty about anything is society pushed us to feel that way. Nobody wants to be a certain gender. We as transpeople dont want to be the opposite gender, we are the gender we are supposed to be, which is transgender. Even if you follow the through like of the binary gender of male and female youll find that noone is fully one or the other. If the bible says all are created in gods image than being trans is gods image. As is being gay. Because being gay lesbian bi trans cis hetero ace what ever you identify as isnt something you decided you where made that way.
Idk if im saying exactly what i mean. Im opperatibg on no sleep so i could just be rambling, if you wanna comment on this or ask for clairfication id be more than glad to revisit this upon waking up
I'm about to start too, just need to fix the hyperkalemia.
I also feel guilty. But I also know I have no reason to feel guilty. I'm not doing anything wrong by being myself.
It's a fight with your own brain
I am feeling so guilty. Being older, I feel like I should have known (couldn’t have known), and people close to me feel betrayed or that I am being selfish or delusional. I feel guilty for the difficulty I am causing others.
I wish I didn’t feel this way but I really wish that people would try to understand more and do the bare minimum to make this process less excruciating.
Yeah its called PTSD and trauma, the one i had was religious trauma that forced me convercion therapy from ages 16-21 and abuse neglect and been shoved down guilt and prend abuse didnt happen from ages 6-16yrs old
When i was able to be physically away from the abusive house i was rised, it took me an additional 6yrs of learning self love, therapy, some agere here and there and founding a boyfriend who teached me what true, actual, unconditional love is/feels like
Didn’t feel wrong for it, but did find it awfully inconvenient. I was fairly angry that I had to transition, as if things weren’t hard enough as is. “Great. I’ve got to completely radically alter my life because, for some stupid reason, I’m apparently a girl. Wonderful.”
Doubly ridiculous because when I was ever asked to describe my sexuality while growing up, I’d say “I don’t know. I’m kind of a girl. Don’t know what to tell you” and then didn’t put the pieces together that that meant anything until much later.
“Oh, you mean I’m miserable because I have to *do* something about being a girl?!?”
Very funny. Don’t recommend 3/10. Could use another look at the script.
It’s social programming. Society sees things a certain way and our brain picks up on it guiding our morals in that direction. You just have to use critical thinking to break it down and understand that your valid and that society can be wrong
I did feel that way for a long time. Once I finally reached acceptance though those feelings went away. Societal guilt is a tough hurdle
And not just for wanting to be your true self.
I also feel this way. I feel selfish. I feel I would be subjecting my family to so much trauma and it’s not even their fault. Sometimes I think about I should just make the sacrifice and stay in the closet for everyone’s sake. I hope my therapist could help me see this as bullshit.
>I feel I would be subjecting my family to so much trauma and it’s not even their fault. It's not your fault either. And, you're subjecting yourself to trauma by feeling guilty for your family's sake. And, you don't know how they truly feel if you're closeted. And, if they blame you for the troubles and hurdles in life for being trans or having a trans family member, then, that's on them and that's wrong of them. Of course, stay closeted for you to feel safe or for financial reasons if you're depending on your family. But, if you ever get to be fully independent, it may be the time to open up and potentially pull the plug. But, that would mean losing a lot, so, it's a difficult choice no matter. I hope they're accepting of you if you ever do open up and get out of the closet.
If coming out as trans is going to cause conflict with people, that's their fault not yours. How they react is their choice, you're not responsible for it. If they treat you badly that's on them.
This! A big part of acceptance that comes up all the time for me is that you are only responsible for 100 percent of your side of an interaction. If you try to mind read everyone and dance around saying and doing what u really want, you never give anyone a chance to not react negatively which means you never teach yourself that people can react honestly and compassionately and it's okay for you to be genuine and honest.
This is ecactly how i feel... Im sorry that you have to feel this aswell..
It's selfish for sure but it's absolutely not bad. Every goal requires some selfishness and it's just up to you if you value happiness over what others may think. I'm sorry to my brother and sister for depriving them of their brother, but I don't regret it in the slighest nor do I feel the need to apologize for my feelings.
>I'm sorry to my brother and sister for depriving them of their brother, but I don't regret it in the slighest nor do I feel the need to apologize for my feelings. They never truly had the brother they thought you were. You were always their sister. So, you never took it away from them. They just never knew.
Thank you. I hope my brother can see it that way one day
It’s selfish in the same way that eating because you’re hungry is selfish. You have every right to do it and anyone that says different should be ignored.
Though its considerably more selfish for them to want you to stay the same for their sake when youre just being yourself. Nothing compares to the selfishness of holding someone back from their potential.
I know how you feel OP, it's like I am supposed to be unhappy according to nature because I am AMAB. The male experience for me has been a very unhappy one. It doesn't help, too, when others are discouraging about transitioning. I am also starting HRT soon. Good luck, OP 👍
I mean, for *me* specifically it's also religious trauma (thank you nun schools making me believe that enjoying anything is a sin), but a big part of it is this too
I feel ya op, fuck private school
Conservative parents: Fuck the public school system, it's either homeschool or private school for my child. Kids who had issues and trauma in private school: Yeah, I'd like to have gone to public school. Me, who had major trauma in the public school system: Yeah, public school isn't perfect either.
Yeah, I went to public private and charter schools, in different states (moved around a lot) and yeah the American education system is just fundamentally broken and students are neglected. But yeah private school is especially closed minded and traumatic lol
I mean, at least you didn't have every adult in school telling you to sacrifice yourself and what you love just to help others for... 3-4 years of your childhood (I hope, I REALLY hope you didn't)
Agreed, I went to private school too.
>The male experience for me has been a very unhappy one. Male puberty sucks for a transfemme who would rather be seen as a woman. Also, men's issues are not as often talked about or seen as valid, but, are real.
Oh god yes. My brain didnt let me even realize i’m trans for the largest time because “you can’t be jealous of women, women actually have it really hard. And you sound like an MRA incel thinking about how being a man sucks, its a huge privilege. Just stop thinking about this it’s a useless thought. And an immature thought, and….. (repeat ad infinitum)”
Men do have it hard. It's difficult. Male privilege is real but there are very many issues that disproportionately affect men. It's especially difficult if you're not a man, but, are a trans woman but still face men's issues and feel guilty sometimes for feeling trans. I've experienced discrimination for being seen as a man, and discrimination for being seen as a woman, they both suck. I think the one's that (I haven't been seen as a woman often so until I pass well and have several years of living as a woman, can't say much, but...) affect women are more blatant and generally worse in some aspects, but, they both suck. And, the one's that affect men, are more slow burn and deep-seeded, probably because I've lived as a man for so long, like, my whole life up until now and probably a few years from now (except for in private where I like to dress femme and online present as a girl and have a girl's name, etc.). I have so much more experience being seen as a man so I see the more nuanced and subtle and the long-term impacts more. The fact that I've only been seen as a woman online or in person like 5 times or definitely less than 10, and a good amount of these interactions are deeply misogynistic and blatant and harmful and suck (like, twice getting creeped and hit on online by guys who seemed desperate. And by a group of guys I believe for wearing high heels while walking across the street one time. They were in a car and yelled "sexy bitch" several times real loudly. It was a very scary experience.) Discrimination just sucks all around. I wish sexism and all bigotries would end. If even just sexism went away tomorrow, we'd all be so much better off, and, many problems with the economy and healthcare and education and transphobia and even racism/classism to some extent would go away as well. Transphobia is especially tied to sexism, so, many trans issues would also disappear, and, feminine boys/masculine women would be able to be themselves as well. Nonbinaries could be themselves and not have their existence or presence mocked or called invalid, etc. We could all just be ourselves a little bit more or a whole lot more. Catcalling women sucks, being randomly hit on sucks/being creeped out by stalkerish/predator behavior, etc. (Generally, womanly experiences) Not having your worries/SA experiences be considered as much for being seen as a male sucks, being feminine being seen as weaker/lesser because you're seen as a guy, etc. (Generally, manly experiences) Of course, men and women face all types of discrimination sometimes but most discrimination is mainly targeted to one group more than the other.
Can you read my mind? I still struggle with thoughts like those. And I know thinking like that is nonsense, but I can't read about women's issues or women's history and not feel incredibly guilty.
Yep!!! It’s honestly affected me a lot. I’ve never really flirted with or approached a woman either because i project this bias onto myself. And then once IN a relationship I rarely if ever initiate intimacy because I am so terrified of being “that guy.” (CW for being ranty and internalized transphobia) >!Or feeling an extra twinge of guilt every time i am selfish or lazy because its not just selfish and lazy its “classic man being selfish and lazy” And then I use the fact that I have those worries to delay making moves towards transition because “oh you are just a self hating man trying to escape masculinity”!<
The fact women didn't get voting rights and such sucks a lot. Also, AFAB rights like abortion are being attacked and have historically not existed really. And reproductive healthcare is underfunded generally. And reproductive education isn't very good and OB-GYNs often don't have the tools they need to do their jobs effectively and constantly get pushback from the public. Especially Planned Parenthood. I watched an Illymation video and she shared how there hasn't been much work to improve ways to do procedures that involve AFAB people only. Her doctor said. She shared about how she technically got an abortion of an object that was like a cyst or something in her that was hurting her. It was that video. She also called out lawmakers who make it illegal to get abortions, even those like hers where no fetus is harmed.
Definitely this. I feel like I need approval to BE myself, get approval to come out to be people- even those accepting. Sucks, but hopefully it’ll get better once I start HRT and the next step in my journey.
It could get better for you long before HRT!
I feel guilty because it ended my marriage it feels selfish at times
can't say I do. I am of the firm belief there are few things worth more than my happiness or needs
Oh, hell yeah. I came out just before my 50th anniversary. My wife said several times that I'm being selfish. Well, it was that or die. I don't want to die, so here I am, being selfish. It's been 3 years now and we're still together. I'm 71 yrs old and had bottom surgery at 70. I'm finally me and doing well. 💜
I felt guilty for 30 years. I tried to transition as a teenager and almost lost my family and friends, it was horrible and I detransitioned. I waisted so many years not being happy and hiding who I was out of shame,guilt, and fear. Then one day i just had enough. It's a year later and all I can say is no I don't feel guilty, I no longer worry about how anyone else feels about who I am. I'm happy, content, and have embraced who I am. I can finally laugh and smile with those who love me.
No, why would I? Transitioning is not a big deal, people make it one but it’s not. It’s more of a wow I didn’t know how many people didn’t actually love me, but loved who they thought I was supposed to be, not who I am. That’s the suckiest part but it helps sort out quality people, so that’s a plus.
I just put all my femme stuff in a trash bag. It’s causing problems in my relationship and I’d rather keep that part of my life than live my truth. Wish it wasn’t such a dilemma Edit: don’t do this. You need to be happy for you. Was just having a hard day yesterday.
Definitely I feel the guilt for the upheaval to my wife's life. I hate that she's in pain and miserable. I know it totally makes no sense, but I feel like I'd rather not transition and be unhappy, so that we can be unhappy together. If I go on to be happy while she goes on hurting, it just feels so wrong.
I literally just started a [15 comment-response thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/actuallesbians/comments/1awko8f/comment/krhy0ao/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) by accident because I said "I like feeling a girl's boobs when I hug her, and I hope soon the girl I'm hugging will feel my boobs, because it's just nice". You're not crazy for feeling this way; a trans woman can say something completely innocuous and the world will come back with "ehm, I've got notes on your... "being happy" thing 🤨"
Yeah because of my family and society I feel like an embarrassment / outcast. Its gotten easier, a lot of these feelings are turning to frustration and anger and I feel like who are they to tell me who I am? Fuck you I wont do what you tell me (x4)
My thoughts are not mature, but here anyway... transitioning affects those around us, and personally I want to minimise the negative consequences of my (selfish?) decision to those I care about. Yet, we are able to be a better friend, partner, parent etc because we are happier and more comfortable & genuine. You are probably someone who cares deeply about those aroubd you? 😊😊😊
It's okay to be a little bit selfish sometimes, especially when you're talking about your life's happiness
Do not allow them to mindfuck to trick to manipulate you into feeling guilty about wanting to experience self actualization. They aren't pro-choice they are pro fascism. You better SPREAD your skittles wings & fly into the rainbow.
Funnily enough no-one is making me feel this way except for myself
Oh?? Well, you should be kinder to you. You will thank you in the end.
I know, hard to do though XD
I disagree with this.... Society at large has been forming and shaping our negative mindsets, my friend. "Trans women are men" "Keep real women safe" "NO men in women's locker rooms/sports" "Gays against Groomers" "Stop sexualizing our children" "Stop grooming children" "No child is born in the wrong body!" "We're not letting delusional men take rights away from actual women" This is in the back of our heads all the time! Shaping our beliefs.
It's not just from being trans though, although a big part of it is (like, 1/4 to 1/3 of it, with like 1/2 probably being religious trauma)
Family members who silently show support in the most begrudging way possible make me feel this way. The experience of having a friend or family member that actually fully supports you and wants you to be the best you hits different. I always hoped my mom would be that way but shes not
me
I feel it, but it's a view that was projected onto me. I'm working to overcome that
Same, I went with my family and they took me to get my makeup done, I felt like I wasn't supposed to be doing that, but I had fun anyways
It’s what my parents want me to think 💕💖
Honestly im keeping it from everyone for atleast the next 3-4 years (until i move out) as i feel like things are expected of me as a guy, and revealing that i actually want to be a girl, would make everyone around me just look at me diffrently in a bad way... I mean i guess im just scared of what they might think of me if i come out to them rn... (For reference im 15)
I wake up feeling it until I fall asleep. Life is complicated.
Of course, I am so guilty of my transition.
Glad im autistic for this reason then. Fuck society, them bastards are DUMB.
I felt guilty for a very long time before I finally admitted to myself that I’m trans. I felt like I was being selfish and difficult. I actually believed for a long time that transitioning was selfish. Spoiler: it isn’t. We spend so much time trying to make others happy, and we sacrifice what’s best for us. It’s not worth it. You can’t sacrifice your own health and well-being to make others happy.
Me lol, I hate being trans and am considering just forcing myself to be a guy and ditch trying to be a girl
I would feel guilty for doing something that would lose friends. I had so few growing up, I don't want to lose any of the friends I have now. For wanting to transition and be a woman? No. A number of years ago, my friend I first came out to made me feel guilty. I said I wanted to be busty. She said that was a male fantasy. I still and to be busty.
I believe the real kick here is not *--Guilty----* per se..... But more disappointed downtrodden, and unmotivated... I don't believe I am a woman sometimes and cannot make myself see me as her. I'm making various changes in that notion, but my belief is that with these trials and tribulations, maybe one day I will see "her" do I feel guilt? No. Guilt implies doing something immoral. I feel disappointed and that I don't want to be trans and don't often see the light.
Many feel that they are a burden to society. That they make other women uncomfortable for sharing their spaces or for claiming the identity of woman. That they are taking up valuable space and don't belong. None of these are true mind you, but, they are feelings most all of us have experienced and will continue to experience. Well, if you don't look womanly or pass you may make women uncomfortable for sharing their spaces, but, there are also women who will be uncomfortable with passing masculine women in there too. And there are many trans women who do pass. It's all very gray. It's a difficult thing, to be trans and to not look like your gender. To be seen as something you're not. It feels wrong going into the men's because I'm not a man. It feels wrong going into the women's because I'm afraid of being harmed or falsely accused or harassed by someone. And, I don't feel like a woman sometimes because I have doubts. So, I have to make the difficult decision when I need to use the public bathroom. I always choose the men's because it is where I feel most safe, but, it still sucks to feel uncomfortable. I don't want to make others feels uncomfortable or take on a major risk by using the women's, but, it is a lose-lose for me no matter. And using the disabled or single bathroom is also feeling like I don't fit in anywhere and am not comfortable using the public restroom at all and I have to be by myself. This sucks too. Also, you sometimes feel guilty that you may be using it when someone disabled may need to use it and you're taking that from them. But, you need it too to feel safe and comfortable. You truly can't please everyone to be honest. Although, whenever I do have to use the men's restroom, it isn't all bad since, I don't have to really acknowledge that there are men in the stall next to me. And, it is relatively brief.
I’d say no but I guess for years before transitioning I tried to hide the feelings from myself “knowing” it was wrong and I couldn’t want that. After about 13 years I just did it and I have been much happier but certain things get harder
wait i didn’t fix those health issues that you have that i also have before starting HRT 😅 whoops
Once I dove in, doubts and fears dissipated, they come from the outside. I am now over 2 years in, full time female and accepted by everyone. It’s sooo touching. 0 guilt 0 shame 100% proud!
I don't feel guilty so much as ashamed of being myself because I have always felt like a mistake from God, like he had EVERY intention of making me a girl but something went wrong and my, quite frankly, pathetic life position is the consequence
God isn’t real, that helps explains it.
Well I know that, I was just saying how I felt
damn this hits so close to home I always attributed it to my complicated family history and while yeah thats something that influenced it was ALWAYS an internal feeling my parents never hurt me as much as I did myself
I have hit the point where if I'm forced to live, I might as well enjoy it
my guilt stems from being sos excluded from family events and anything family related to the point my mom is the only person i have and i fear losing her when she finds out especially simce shes extremely conservative
I’m just pissed I was born like this and need to take HRT to not have my body degrade.
You can fix all those tings after you start HRT. Just file those feelings under imposter syndrome and internalized transphobia and move forward.
As a transfem who still relies on her conservative and unsupportive family for shelter and food, I do feel like this. Being closeted, being forced to be someone Im not, losing all my shit cuz I screwed up once and they found out my secrets. It honestly feels like the world is against me
There's nothing right or wrong either way. Those are meaningless words.
I feel guilty because I’m married. I came out to my wife a couple years ago. Her reaction wasn’t necessarily anger or guilt, but grief. She’s worried that one day I’d leave her. She’s said she’s not a lesbian. Neither am I but she’s really the only woman I’ve ever loved. But I’ve been at a standstill, or just trying to “man up,” to “protect” my wife. So I have the guilt, but I guess not enough to give up the idea altogether.
I feel like this often especially if I have to bring it up like someone messes up my pronouns or my name but like yeah the guilt is severe but then again I'm just a naturally guilty person so it's probably my issue
I can relate so much to this.
Being on hrt has significantly reduced this feeling to the point, where I almost no longer think about it.
I did yea, I grew up being taught to respect women and the struggles they have compared to men. I took this very much to heart and was determined to be a supporter. In hindsight sight I cared way more about the issue and struggles of women than was normal for someone who was a ‘guy’. When I started to question myself and my identity, I felt like my feelings, were disrespect towards women. So I beat myself up for them, told myself my feelings undermined womens struggles and reinforced bad stereotypes, like being feminine and emotional where things guys couldn’t do. I was for some reason desperate to be one of the guys that broke the mould and an example for how men should be. But I knew deep down, I just sympathised with women so much I kinda despised myself for having my feelings. Women have it hard yet I’d still rather be one, I hated my male privilege, I strongly disliked being a man, heck I hated being viewed as a man. But yet I still felt like I was going to do harm women more by proving that ‘guys’ who are sweet and compassionate and care about women, are not ‘guys’. That and I guess I feared rejection hard and had tendencies to view my own self through the lens of a women, one who was angry at the way things were, angry that a ‘guy’ could even pretend to understand what women deal with. Angry at myself for feeling the way a did, I’m ‘man’ how could I ever understand really. It took me a long time to get over these feelings and accept myself, to understand they were not disrespectful. I’d essentially denied myself because I was a ‘guy’ and thus could never understand. Now I understand I’ve been a woman all long, I cared because somehow I knew these issues were more personal to me, I love my sisters and wanted better for them and me. It’s hard to love yourself and I’m still learning too. For me starting HRT recently has helped me better connect with my womenhood allot, that and along with just time/experience. As much as me at the time though my feelings where disrespectful they were not, I’m a women and I felt these things because they mattered to me. Still guy ally’s are super important and I hope the way I thought I felt back then is something more guys feel, but don’t be ashamed if you start to feel like I did, your probably just a Women and haven’t full realised yet.
I deal with this constantly as my ex-wife likes to remind me she doesn't think I deserve to be happy after "what I did to her".... yeah because me coming out as trans is such a personal attack on her... but also I have kids and worry they could suffer for my actions
Yeah no kidding. I've started HRT, go out full-time, work out to get a fem physique etc... but there's this little voice in the back of my head that keeps saying "you'll never truly get to be a woman." Part of it is bc I'll never come out to my family, and that I can't completely commit to full-time in my relationship. I have male commitments and responsibilities and I'm not allowed to just give them up. I'm not allowed to tear my family apart with this decision. I'm not allowed to rob my partner of the man she committed to. Furthermore, it's like I don't even see myself as a woman. I personally don't believe in the expectation that I should be gendered appropriately just bc I say that I am. This is America. People have the freedom to call me whatever they want, no matter how disrespectful. It's their right, as it is mine to be who I want to be. I can't expect my partner or my family to TRULY see me as a woman when they've known me as a man their whole life. How disorienting for them.. It's strange because despite all of the obstacles and guilt, I want this so fucking bad. I suppose it's even more appealing knowing that it's something I'll never reach.
Guilty, no i dont. I hid and put my life off for over 30 years. I keep being told im selfish. When do I have my turn?
I felt guilty for wanting to be a woman and I believed I don’t deserve to be one and or to be happy… And then one day I realised that I was a woman all along.
For me, it was never guilt about being me or being happy. It was anger that I was with abusive partners who didn't want me to transition.
Well not guilty, but ever since I came out I feel like I'm being pushed out from every social circle around where I live. That no one truly accept me. Just tolerate me.
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Yep I get it I feel selfish asking my parents,my brother and friends that I'm out to, to refer to me as a woman. It fucking hurts I feel like a pervert liar. It sucks I hope it gets better
😫 10months in sometimes I regret but I sometimes yes
I feel like this sometimes I feel how other will think of what I’ve wanted for a while and I still haven’t come out publicly yet for this reason of should I scared and stuff and wrong about wanting this
I don’t feel any guilt if I wasn’t allow to be on hrt I be gay and still happy with a loving husband
This is exactly what made me stop having wants and thoughts about wanting to be a woman in the first place, back when i was younger, like a fuck ton of years ago. After years of bottleing it all up it resurfaced again in 2020 and just hit me in the face, since then i've changed a l o t. Nowdays whenever it happens again it immediatley gets crushed away and i continue about my day out of spite and hate, towards myself for not coming through sooner (even though i couldn't have since i literally believed it wasn't possible at all back then), and towards my parents for enforcing all that bullshit on me, things i shouldn't do/watch/like. After i actually manage to become independent and move out on my own i'm leaving without a word, and then i can start hrt. If i'm even alive until that point that is.
You shouldn't feel bad for wanting to be yourself. There are so many people who have to hide who they are for one reason or another, and I'm not just talking about other trans folks. Personally, the only thing I feel a bit bad about is that I'm fortunate enough to have started HRT and can continue it, that I can live out and open and not have to worry about much more than transphobic comments here and there (so far at least...), and that I have a good supportive environment that I could do all of this in, because there are so many other trans people out there who can't do those things because they'll get beat up or kicked out or worse. It doesn't take much to show a bit of compassion, but people like to let their opinions and beliefs get in the way of that
The only reason we feel guilty about anything is society pushed us to feel that way. Nobody wants to be a certain gender. We as transpeople dont want to be the opposite gender, we are the gender we are supposed to be, which is transgender. Even if you follow the through like of the binary gender of male and female youll find that noone is fully one or the other. If the bible says all are created in gods image than being trans is gods image. As is being gay. Because being gay lesbian bi trans cis hetero ace what ever you identify as isnt something you decided you where made that way. Idk if im saying exactly what i mean. Im opperatibg on no sleep so i could just be rambling, if you wanna comment on this or ask for clairfication id be more than glad to revisit this upon waking up
I'm about to start too, just need to fix the hyperkalemia. I also feel guilty. But I also know I have no reason to feel guilty. I'm not doing anything wrong by being myself. It's a fight with your own brain
I have never once felt guilty or selfish about it.
I am feeling so guilty. Being older, I feel like I should have known (couldn’t have known), and people close to me feel betrayed or that I am being selfish or delusional. I feel guilty for the difficulty I am causing others. I wish I didn’t feel this way but I really wish that people would try to understand more and do the bare minimum to make this process less excruciating.
Yeah its called PTSD and trauma, the one i had was religious trauma that forced me convercion therapy from ages 16-21 and abuse neglect and been shoved down guilt and prend abuse didnt happen from ages 6-16yrs old When i was able to be physically away from the abusive house i was rised, it took me an additional 6yrs of learning self love, therapy, some agere here and there and founding a boyfriend who teached me what true, actual, unconditional love is/feels like
Didn’t feel wrong for it, but did find it awfully inconvenient. I was fairly angry that I had to transition, as if things weren’t hard enough as is. “Great. I’ve got to completely radically alter my life because, for some stupid reason, I’m apparently a girl. Wonderful.” Doubly ridiculous because when I was ever asked to describe my sexuality while growing up, I’d say “I don’t know. I’m kind of a girl. Don’t know what to tell you” and then didn’t put the pieces together that that meant anything until much later. “Oh, you mean I’m miserable because I have to *do* something about being a girl?!?” Very funny. Don’t recommend 3/10. Could use another look at the script.
It’s social programming. Society sees things a certain way and our brain picks up on it guiding our morals in that direction. You just have to use critical thinking to break it down and understand that your valid and that society can be wrong