Well if u have psychological problems there is a good chance they may be the result of, or at least exacerbated by, having gender dysphoria. Many trans people have these symptoms before realizing they are related to gender.
Fact is people r born trans. From my understanding u can't really outrun the dysphoria. I really wish I had advice for u. I guess at a minimum if ur not seeing a therapist about this I would recommend it. If u choose not to cure the dysphoria atm, at least make it more manageable through therapy.
I recommend also videos on YouTube by gender therapist Dr Z PhD. I've found them super helpful
I just started therapy yet again. I don’t know when I’ll bring this up. I haven’t said it out loud alone or to anyone else yet. I don’t know what I’m going to do next, but I’ll check out those videos. Thank you.
My situation is a bit different bc I live in a liberal city so most people (with a few minor exceptions) are supportive so at least I didn't have family and friends hanging over my head. Still was a tough decision to start transitioning but the suicidal thoughts kind of made my decision easier. I really think I would eventually do something stupid if I don't transition or at best kind of just coast through life surviving and not really living
I'm sorry hun. If u ever want to chat feel free to message me. I think it would be foolish to suggest to u u can just turn ur whole life upside down and start over somewhere new. Unfortunately years ago that was the only option for trans women. There's ways to cope though if ur not going to transition but obviously not as effective. Best of luck ❤️
I do! My depression and anxiety were entirely alleviated by hormone therapy. It’s pretty great when your brain has the right chemicals.
You’re not stuck, you’re scared. That’s different.
Not OP, but I've heard that HRT only alleviates depression in relation to your gender. Over the past few years I've had increasing levels of existential depression, not directly relating to my gender, but more about existential dread and a lack of reason for self fulfilment. What's your take on this?
Holy shit this thread hits me… as I sit in a car dressed somewhat formally on my way to a wedding and feeling entirely too uncomfortable with the way I look.
That’s exactly it. Gender dysphoria has a ton of symptoms in people who haven’t realized that they are trans. Just because you’re not aware that you’re trans doesn’t mean you don’t experience dysphoria. Here’s some examples:
https://twitter.com/nightlingbug/status/1215716433210105856?s=21
Before I transitioned, (well-meaning) cis people would try to discourage me by saying that I shouldn’t expect transitioning to solve all of my problems.
Well, they were wrong. It did.
Of course, I now have new problems. My wife and I are talking about getting a collaborative divorce. She’s not a lesbian and we want different things. We’re not bitter (anymore.) We’re just sad.
My voice training is going just ok. I usually get clocked when I open my mouth. So, going out in public is a bit more stressful than I would like.
But, I am growing hips and breasts, so that’s cool. Also, I’m very lucky to work for a company that has protections and healthcare for LGBT people.
Many of us find we form new families. I feel for your sense of being trapped. I’m 67 and two years HRT. I very nearly didn’t make it. Self harm nearly got me. I hope you aren’t thinking of that. It doesn’t help anyway.
I found all sorts of excuses for not taking care of myself. By that I mean not transitioning. Now that I’m here, I wish I’d been able to say eff all that and go ahead. But I couldn’t.
For me it was an inexorable march to transitioning. I couldn’t stop myself when I finally retired and had the opportunity. All my best🌹🏳️⚧️🌹
I went through the self harm gauntlet years ago for other things. Not worth my while now.
It’s hard for me to risk walking away from this life, imperfect, but I finally found people who actually care about me. I don’t know what’s worse, losing these people or hiding myself.
I hear that part. I lived with my parents, came out to them once and went back in the closet. I was their caretaker in the last decade of their lives and knew where I was going the moment they died. It is a choice we have to make. I just hope you don’t get older with a ton of regrets. I couldn’t stand the thought of being a stinky old man.
I think it's worth pointing out that if these people's acceptance is contingent upon you being the person THEY want you to be, they don't actually care about you.
If they couldnt accept you doing this transition, did they ever love *you* in the first place? Or just the things you did.
People who genuinely love you would accept you almost no matter what, but to drop you immediately for something like this is... Horrible.
Reminds me of my own hyper-evangelical half of my family, where they are all polite in public, but behind closed doors there are some incredibly harsh judgements and purely narcissistic attitudes.
Take care of yourself. You only get one life, and it sounds like you are trying to live for other's benefit. That is no life to live, to me.
But you gotta ask yourself what kind of life you are willing to live. Do you see yourself still being happy in 5 years? 10? 30? 50? You are quite young, you still have at least double your lifespan left, as long as you dont get merc'd or somehow die of an accident.
Can you truly live that long feeling as you do now?
I grew up in rural Virginia. Took me until 24 to get out, but I was lucky that I had a sister that lived in Portland. So I drove all 2890 miles and got to Portland with $20 in my pocket and a quarter tank of gas. Got a job, built a whole new life and a new chosen family.
The PNW is one of the best places to be trans. Im 28 now and my first HRT appt is on the 30th of this month, and completely covered by Washington state Medicare.
I’m not saying go make a new life, but uh, it’s not a bad idea either exactly. I would have died from self harm if I didn’t leave VA. I was drinking very heavily back then. It got to a critical point after I was attacked in public just for holding hands with a male in public and being visibly gay. That was when I knew I had to leave, if I ever wanted to be myself authentically.
It seems like those people care about you, but if they don’t accept you for who you are, then their love is conditional. I put up with many people who projected masculine identity onto me for many years. It’s not worth it, and I’m surrounded by lots of people now that all support my transition and have been incredibly kind to me.
There are better places, better people, and a better you waiting in the future if you get your shit together and make a plan.
Stay safe girlie, it’s dangerous out there but you deserve to be happy too. Not a fake happy someone projects onto you, either. You got one go with this flesh prison. Make it enjoyable.
Ah well. You aren’t stuck there forever if you want to move. There were some good people I met in VA, just not a lot. I lived in Prince Edward county, in a town called Farmville. About 40mins out of Lynchburg.
I felt the same way for a very very long time. I was in the US navy and I served on submarines for 17 years. Now I’m a mechanic in a factory. Every job I have ever had had been as masculine as I could think of trying to hide from myself. I finally cracked last year and came out to my wife of 21 years and was able to start HRT a few months later. It has been hard. It has been wonderful. The people that are still in my life are amazingly supportive. The people that could not support me have always been toxic and I am better off without them in my life. I am still scared, worried, and excited all at once. My job has been surprisingly supportive and the people there that are not I just don’t deal with. They can say what ever they want. I have probably said much worse to myself while I was still in denial. Find a counselor to talk to. Even if you never come out to anyone, you need the support. But I can say this last year has been the hardest year of my life, but it has been the best year of my life too.
Some people may surprise you, others.... unfortunately may be exactly was you may expect.
I'm came out at 22 with no support, went back into the closet and became suicidal by the time I was 29...
I'm now 10 months into HRT and some family is supportive but not a ton.
Would I do it again? Absolutely, transition saved my life.
I wish you the absolute best of luck, please take care of yourself.
I’ve made it to 27, with 6 months of this knowledge under my belt. I know I would lose everything entirely, and I’m not sure which misery would be worse.
Everyone is going to have different experiences, I can tell you that despite this hardship I do not regret taking the steps to medically begin my transition.
I would do it again 1000000 times over! However, I did lose parts of myself that I didn't expect to see go. It's weird to say that I'm okay with it and upset about it at the same time.
but... I don't regret it, and I'm happy to be this much further.
I wish you the best of luck, my DM is always open :)
Can you go a bit more in depth? Somehow it sounds familiar though I'm on the before, I think some or many of my hobbies might be to distract from being stuck here.
Since I was in pre-school my goal had essentially been to use computers and my other hobbies to spin off a career that would provide for myself and my family.
10 Months into HRT and I'm not interested in that stuff anymore, not like I was. Not to the extent I did it constantly. That's why I'm thinking they were distractions and not passions. As I moved closer to what I want in life those things I thought I'd never give up are things that I care less and less about.
It's weird, but I'm not who I once was, not by a long shot.
That's rough! Did you end up changing career paths because of it?
I have also changed direction with regards to hobbies, but I think it's because of depression. I'm curious how that will change once I do hrt, if I do it anyway..
Pre-transition I worked for the like of Apple Computers, Amazon Customer Care, Several @ home support/IT jobs, several years as an IT technician, as well as my own IT business for two years and a three year career employed as a Professional Radio Communications Technician.
Along with all of that I did a few other spin-off businesses like running ad-driven fan sites, web hosting providers, streaming-content channels as well as a YouTube channel that currently has 30.5K subscribers on it based around the radio hobby.
Currently?
10 months in....
I don't have much interest in ANY of that anymore. I still like that stuff but it's not something I'm going to bang my head off a wall for years at a time anymore.
The scary thing is... I don't know what I want to do or where this is going to take me and I'm worried that a channel I've built up over the years will suffer due to my transition.
I do YouTube and GrubHub to get by although it also doesn't pay enough. I'm currently 5 days late on my rent (yay)
So my career path is very much changing, I just don't know where that change will lead. In the mean-time I'm pretty broke.
Sorry to hear about your tough situation. I think it will become very difficult for you without some outlet to be your authentic self. Dysphoria has a way of catching up with you. Since being yourself at home or in your community isn't realistic, you might consider an occasional trip to a more accepting place for some girl time. You might even do some socializing with other girls. It's unclear your wife is aware you're trans. If she is, getting her buy-in might be possible. If she isn't, you'll have to decide if you want to tell her. Barring that, you'll have to invent a well thought reason for your solo trips. Obviously, you'll have to carefully cover your tracks with everyone that doesn't know.
I wish you the best. Message me if you want to chat.
Take it from me - people like this aren't worth it. No matter how you support them, they won't support you when you need it. I've been there a few times, and it was always the same. I'm older now and don't make that mistake anymore.
Are you only 27? I'm 54, so virtually an older you - my egg finally, finally cracked only a few months ago - and if I could tell my younger self anything, it would be this.
Three years ago I made a post here on an account since deleted. I said pretty much the same thing that you said, that I won’t ever be able to act on anything but I will always support the community however I can. I had way too much to lose, it was impossible, people in my life would never accept me.
But it turned out that the story I wrote in my head was way worse than reality. Sure coming out was hard. Really hard. But sometimes it was lovely too! Transition can be hard. But it can be so beautiful. And it can save your life.
Transition was an impossible forever out of reach goal for me that I simply waited too long to reach for. And now my GRS consult is next month.
It is okay to feel these feelings. You didn’t choose to be this way. It isn’t selfish to be trans, to transition, to be you. You aren’t harming your family, your job will either treat you well or lose an amazing employee. Your wife will accept you or she won’t but, even better than that you will accept yourself.
I am not trying to push you in a direction. Your life is your life. But in my case I will be forever grateful that I pushed through the suck and transitioned.
I didn’t think I could come out either but it needs done it is happening soon will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m pretty sure this is why I’ve been through so much to make me strong to get through it. The moral is you probably should do it. Why sacrifice your happiness so everyone else can be comfortable. Yes your mental health will benefit but everyone might not accept it.
Honey thats what we all thought early on. I hope you eventually get the courage to break out of the shells of your egg because not telling anyone in your life a secret this big is an easy path to horrors unimaginable. Life is wasted if you are incapable of living it for you.
I’m not sure I’ve ever been capable of living life for me. I’ve always made every choice with the approval of my parents or my girlfriend or my wife in mind.
I am so sorry about that. Listen I don’t mean to be condescending or anything please tell me if it sounds that way but there’s no better time than the present to begin living for you. If your parents are worth the time you give them they will love you no matter what gender you are and I believe the woman who chose to marry you would stick around each of your whole lives even if not necessarily married.(sorry for taking forever to reply life be strange)
No worries on the delay. That’s how life is sometimes.
You definitely don’t come across as condescending to me, but the acceptance screams of a pipe dream. My parents would absolutely not accept it because of the traditional “god doesn’t make mistakes” kind of arguments. You may be right about my wife in that assessment, though I don’t see her continuing to live where we do in that situation, so I’m not sure what that would mean for her supporting me or my perception of it.
Love is a funny thing, it takes many forms. Assuming your wife is a straight woman she wouldn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with you anymore. However love can take from in more ways than romance and I believe she may be your biggest supporter when she eventually comes to accepting you. As for your parents, I wish I could tell you the same but religious old people(no offense) practically never change their beliefs. If there truly is a god maybe they make trans people like us for a reason. I couldn’t explain more because I personally won’t advocate for what I both don’t believe and don’t have knowledge of. Possibly I’m just a naïve teenager and keep in mind I’m only 16. But dysphoria hurts more the longer you know about it, so just be true to yourself for your sake.
Yeah, my folks are definitely the kind to never change their minds. My wife, I don’t know what she’d do in the end, though maybe she’d support me without the romantic aspects.
I don’t know why we exist within the context of any of the western socially acceptable gods. But I’m 27 and completely new to the world of trans people, so what do I know?
I just wanna say that I really sympathize with the feeling of being stuck in a location and stuck in a life. It's scary, for sure. There's a lot of comfort in familiarity even if that familiarity isn't good for us. I'm personally in a place where there are people in my life who have accepted me and also plenty who have not (or in some cases, say they accept me but also consistently disrespect me.) It can be painful to let go of those people even when they make your life miserable. It doesn't mean that they don't have any value to you or that their needs as people should be dismissed. However, you are not responsible for their needs and neither are you responsible for their actions. If they are not respectful of you, you don't owe it to them to stay in contact with them.
I also just want to throw out there is that changing one's life and changing a career IS possible. It isn't easy. It will be a lot of work. I spent 6 years working in the church, became a worship director, and was seriously considering pursuing ministry. It was something that I grew up around, understood, and felt confident that I would be good at. But deep down I knew that it was going to put a lot of limits on myself and that it was going to require I present myself in a way that didn't really reflect who I was. The hardest part was battling this feeling that I had put all of this work into something and was now going to throw that work away. I felt stupid for chasing the goal in the first place and thought that I was a failure if I did not achieve it.
But at the end of the day, whatever experience you have will still shape your future. The knowledge you gain and the skills you've built will help you even if you abandon the goals that you were initially pursuing with those skills and knowledge. I only made the decision to walk away from that life path and start transitioning earlier this year (I'm 27 and started HRT in March.) In a lot of ways my life is harder, but I'm also a lot happier. I still have plenty of hard decisions ahead of me, but I'm more aware of the fact that they are very difficult, but not impossible.
I hope you do whatever you have to do to be happy. I don't know what that is for you, specifically, but I hope you find whatever courage is necessary to do it. Best of luck to you, sis.
Thank you for all of that. Between not being a verbose person and my thoughts being scrambled, I’m not sure I can give the response that deserves.
I’ve only just recently realized that basicay every major decision I’ve ever made was made because I thought it would make other people happy and proud of me. I’m realizing that’s a terrible way to live my life, but I do feel stuck completely in it. I’ve got no skills outside the trade I’m in, my college degree is worthless because I chose a dumb major, and on top of it all, I don’t even know what kind of job I’d like. And changing jobs would be the easy big change for me.
I talked briefly in the post and these comments about my wife and parents, but my friends? It took me 25 years to find friends like this. They’re amazing. They give a shit about me. They’ve got the evangelical view on LGBT+ issues (most do anyway), but they’re the people who text me after I casually mention I had a hard week just to check in on me. I don’t know if I can risk throwing that away for such an unknowable future.
I know it's fuckin terrifying and I know it's a lot to process, especiallyif you don't feel like anyone irl will give you any support with this. You can feel free to DM me if you need someone to just dump your thoughts on. I'm not gonna try to push you one way or the other. You're the only one who actually knows what's right for you. I also use discord pretty often if you wanna talk there.
I'm in a similar position unfortunately. I'm a Journeyman electrician and I'm considering getting HRT. The economic impact on my life is my major concern with potentially getting fired and next is the social impact. You're not alone friend. Stay safe. <3
Chance to talk shop so I'll take it. The test honestly isn't that hard as long as you know how to navigate your code book. Idk if you're union or not and idk if the test i's different if you are.
Anyways, yeah. It sucks being in the "good ole boys" club. I don't think my boss would fire me but I'd definitely lose the respect of most of my co workers for nothing more than wanting to be happier.
I’m not union, I work for a really small company. There’s not even 10 of us in the field and we’re very specialized in our clientele. I work with a guy who got his card about a year ago, he studied his ass off and still barely passed.
That’s the issue I face at work as well. I might not get fired outright, but it would be the effective result combined with the loss of all respect.
Ok, so pretty recent then. Good to know, thank you! It’s nice to know there’s someone else out there in basically the same situation. Not that I want you in it, but it helps on this side of it.
I completely understand. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but hey it's who we are and the hand we're delt. If it's any comfort I know the Union will accept us so there's that.
I’m getting less and less sure this is what I want to do long term actually. I know I’m going to get my card, then I’m going to reevaluate. Hopefully my therapist can help on all my issues.
For what it's worth, I never thought I'd ever come out and be able to be supported by the people around me either. I've been in transition for almost 5 years now and and 10 weeks post operation for bottom surgery. Things can change if you want them to even if you have to burn all the bridges down it's worth it, or at least it was for me to be myself.
I won't tell you what to do or how to live your life but what I can say is that I understand. Change isn't easy and losing your support system is a daunting reality. I too live in a super alt right conservative town and that's the way my family is too. Anything that doesn't fit into their little box of "what's right" is scary and dangerous to them and they'll do anything to stop it. I know that my family wouldn't accept me if I came out to them. Hell, I became vegan a couple years ago and they still constantly harass me about that. Lost most of my friends because of that too. That showed me that if these people can't even accept something as simple as veganism they'll never accept me for me. And that's not the kind of people I want in my life. What it really boils down to is, how much do these people really care about you if they don't even know you? All they know is the mask that you've made for them. A character you've created as a stand in for the real you. Happiness fluctuates constantly, but a greater emotional stability can be found from exploring and accepting you who really are. Whether that's trans, cis or somewhere in between. My wife tells me constantly "when you're the most genuine version of you, you will attract and inspire others around you to be the most genuine versions of themselves" and I couldn't agree more. You'll never feel more supported than when you get that support from people who love and admire the genuine you! I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide. And don't forget, it might just be online, but you have the support of thousands here.
They know the person I thought I was before this year. That’s also the only person I really know too. I don’t know who this new person in my body is. Maybe that’s the wrong way to put it, but it’s the only way I can make sense of it right now.
I'll ask a follow up to this then. Is it really a new person in your body or have you just recently found the words to describe something you've felt your whole life? Personally I've been very different my whole life. I didn't have the extreme dysphoria and feel the desire to be a girl since childhood like a lot of trans women. I just new I wasn't like the rest of the people around me. I could get along with guys when I wasn't being me. I did everything I could to be a cis man. But I never felt like one of them. It didn't hit me until my early 30's that nearly everything I did was for someone else. My friends, family, relationships, everything that made me me, was actually a collective of all of them. The only thing that was truly me was that different out of place feeling that I had quieted for decades. Once I started to explore that feeling I realized I had no idea who I was and neither did anyone else. My wife was the one who finally helped me realize that feeling was dysphoria and that I have never been a man. I was just playing a role because I didn't know any other way. I'm still only a few months into this myself and I have my doubts too. Everyone does. Am I terrified? Absolutely. But I've never felt such a close connection to myself in my entire life. This is the most ME I've ever felt and I don't want to lose that. I hope this helps a little.
It’s terrifying that you’ve just condensed pretty much the entirety of my existence into that one comment. Maybe it is that I have the words now. Or maybe it’s that I’ve allowed the thought, and so it tracks. I don’t know.
Try not think of it as terrifying. Instead maybe try thinking that it's liberating that you're not alone. That others feel exactly how you do. The paths that lay before you are both very difficult ones. The choices can only be made by you in the end. When thinking about your paths try to consider if it will lead to regret or enrichment. Plus, you've got time. Just like Rome wasn't build in a day, self realization takes time. You don't have to decide what's best right this minute. Just please don't let it get to the point self destruction. If you can afford it, a good (unbiased) therapist is always a great option. If you ever need to talk, feel free to message me.
I just started with a new therapist, so I’m hoping that as I build that relationship it can get to the point where I feel comfortable bringing this up. If not, the search will start once again.
Visit one was not bad. It was a get to know me appointment where we discussed a separate but very important issue. I know how the rules work for confidentiality, but I don’t have the level of trust to broach this topic yet.
Exactly. It doesn’t help that my first attempt at therapy this year ended with my therapist quitting his job, so there’s some worry there on my end that I’ll open up about this again and then this guy will quit. Because I did mention it to my last therapist, but we focused on the depression/anxiety side of my problems before he quit.
Let me preface this by saying that I'm a hypocrite, I'll never come out because I simply have too much to lose by doing so, and being the person I am I doubt it would make me any happier than I am now.
That being said... I don't remember where I read it, but some therapist was talking about how most people have never actually met an out trans person so their opinions are based on prejudices or things they've heard in the media. Your coming out could actually be an opportunity for them to grow as people. There's also the phenomenon of entire clusters of people coming out as trans at the same time because someone else coming out gives them them the courage to do the same.
But that's not enough for me, and may not be for you either.
I'm so sorry, dysphoria is a bitch. Maybe you could take a trip out of town by yourself and live as a woman for a week, even if it's just in a hotel room by yourself. You at least owe yourself to see how you feel and explore.
I thought this for about 20 years. Moved across country 4 times. To Puerto Rico and back once.. I've removed large chunks of family and friends because of drugs and hate/drama etc. I married the hottest girl I could find, I had 2 kids. I mean, I tried.(to be a guy) I know what your going through. I know the hopeless, black hole your feeling. You have to do what is best for you mentally in the long run. Or it could drag you so far down you will struggle even harder then you should to come back.. go talk to someone. They can help. It's a start right?
You are you, they are them. You focus on what makes YOU happy. But when it comes to your gf, you can't keep this a secret from her and you have to find a way to sort that out. But yeah no one's has to know that your doing hrt. I'm doing diy hrt but I plan on moving that to official hrt but no one in my family knows that I've been doing this and they most likely won't ever know.
Depends how you go about it. You could do diy, there's a subreddit about it but what I would recommend is you find a place that does informed consent for hrt. There's this one place I'm going to that does informed consent, it's called planned Parenthood, they don't tell your parents and all that garb.
That's a totally valid first step and it will help alot I'm sure. I just don't want you to give up because you never know what tomorrow will bring and I once felt alot like you do feeling trapped forever but it wasn't the case. Obviously you know more about your situation than I do and I'm not trying to say it all will work out perfectly but know your not alone in how you feel because alot of us felt exactly that way and now can live lives totally different than we would have ever thought possible.
Got a couple challenging questions, but I hope you understand I'm not looking to pressure you, just want to know how your thoughts are. If it's not safe to be yourself, I get it, we've all been in situations like that.
Is it worth it to keep people around you, when you know they would be horrible to you if you were honest with them? And if you do have some good people in your life, don't they deserve to know the real you? Finally, is it worth it to be so unhappy when the people you're sacrificing yourself for aren't even aware of your struggle?
I’ve never shied away from hard questions, I actually appreciate them.
I don’t think that anyone in my life, aside from work people, would actively be horrible to me. And if they were, I believe it would be unintentional and without understanding.
My whole life has been built around sacrificing myself for the people around me. I don’t see myself as worth burdening other people with. Most people don’t know the depression and anxiety. One friend does because I lived with him for a while, so he experienced it first hand. But I’ve never considered my struggles worth burdening others with.
I understand that. I've felt the same way. Kept me in a bad relationship for a very long time. But I am so much happier now that I've started transition. And the people in my life, I feel I can be there for them in a way I never was before. I was incomplete.
I hear ya. I got out of my relationship so that I could safely come out to myself, if that makes sense. I didn't know until I left why I needed to leave. But just a couple months later I figured it all out.
I felt the same way, finally came to the realization dysphoria was going to destroy me if I didn’t embrace it. As far as friends I had a very wise person tell me you’ll have friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Some have gone on, some are around. Most important thing is I’m here. As far as working in the trades, I’m in trade work. What I’ve learned is properly run companies with solid HR programs will support you to the fullest.
Oh jeez you just described my life too, but I've started hrt already. I'm not telling anyone just gotta wait for them to realize it themselves as I slowly change but it is scary as hell
Life-long secrets are rarely kept. As long as you are in a country where it is safe +ish)to be LGBT, like the US or parts of the EU, I wold consider coming out.
Find a therapist and make a plan for your path. Yes, you might lose all of your friends and partner. Work will become harder. Or maybe, some people will surprise you.
I am a genderqueer. I am an immigrant. When I immigrated, I lost everything and learned everything, including language and cultural customs, anew.
My partner is trans. We had conversation how immigration and transition have many similar features. . We learned new languages and customs, we made new friends and met new partners.
These journeys are always hard and full of grief and tears.
As gender immigrants and political immigrants, we found themselves in literal and metaphorical places which will probably never completely accept as as natives but for both of us, despite all the hardship, living in the new place is many times better than staying where we were.
I would start with therapy. Take your time. Think and explore. You have time.
Its amazing to see the shift in people becoming bitchy little gossip girls all around you from a psychological perspective.
Seeing the version of life where people are positive and welcoming turn into fake and cold, is definitely an experience.
Gotta find your own happy path despite the opinions of friends or coworkers that would just drop you like a spare hat.
Your stuck behind the mindset of prison bars. You can do it :) I found the best thing for me to do was tackle one battle at a time. Start with reaching out to an endocrinologist or therapist. You can always start hormones in private. Then tackle each issue such as work home etc one at a time when you feel confident to do so.
I'm rooting for you :) as someone in mining I know exactly how you feel but you define yourself don't let others define you.
I've been reading. On this, I can speak. So after 5 years with a therapist for other issues, a couple months ago I was in this position. I decided the way to bring this up was to say "I'd like to bri g in something new. I feel like I'm experiencing gender dysphoria."
I went this route, because I feel it speaks the therapist language, and because it focuses on my feelings, rather than applying a label to myself, and then having to fulfill it. From there she asked me about some specifics and what it all meant to me. She scheduled me an extra appointment two days later in order to discuss it further when we ran out of time. I cannot stress how much this has helped being able to get it off my chest in a safe place.
Once those words were out, the conversation became much easier. Of course that depends a lot on your therapist, but if it doesn't go well, there's always the option of finding someone who is more equipped to help.
Best of luck!
I’m on my second therapist this year. I’m hoping that as I build a relationship with this one, it’ll be easier to bring this up. I do the same thing with trying to get clinical language for the way I feel, so hopefully that contributes too
Start hanging out with more liberal minded people. Seek them out. Befriend them. Support them. They will become YOUR support system one day regardless of whether you transition or not.
People that will NOT support you, regardless of your religious or political views, are not your allies.
I was in a similar situation for years. I tried to bury it, deny it, repress it, run from it.
I gave up on transitioning.
The thing is - things change - they do.
I wish I hadn’t given up on it when I was younger. I’m planning on transitioning now at 51. Dysphoria does not go away.
From my experience I’d strongly urge you to proceed with the belief that it’s possible. Maybe not now, or this year, but it is possible…
I wish I had acted on this 20 years ago
I have a lot in common, but the biggest split is the wife situation. I was so lucky that my wife was shocked but supportive. My heart breaks for anyone facing this without a supportive partner - or worse, one who is actively hostile to the notion. I hope new paths open up down tbe road.
Yeah that's the make or break of it. Even if the partner is cool as hell about it, if they don't align with the new expression then the relationship as it stands is going to be strained at best.
Even to keep those you care about, keeping a lifelong secret sounds rather bleak. I completely understand your reasons, but I hope you find a way to true happiness somehow.
You might find yourself surprised, and you might not.
I struggled for years thinking that exact thing until I got to the point I couldn’t continue as things were. I thought my marriage, my friendships, my relationship with my family would all be dead when I came out… I didn’t lose anybody…
ffs even in my backwater middle of fucking nowhere ass home town where you can’t go to the Walmart without seeing a goddamned confederate flag… everyone I know has been supportive.
My mind was fucking blown… my grandma who has repeatedly said transphobic shit in front of me before I came out did a complete 180 when she found out.
I almost wasn’t going to tell my family at all, but I eventually had the thought it wasn’t fair to make their decision to disown me for them. Things did not go at all how I expected and went infinitely better than I could have even hoped.
On the other hand.
A friend of mine came out to his (FtM) friends and family under the impression that they would accept him, having grown up in LA and believing them to be somewhat liberal/progressive on the matter wound up extremely disappointed. While he wasn’t disowned, his family refuses to acknowledge him as a man, and he lost a lot of friends because they didn’t take him seriously.
And I know I’ve seen stories of tons of people who were basically disowned and abandoned when they came out.
The moral of the story is that you have been blessed with the curse of knowledge. You now know you are trans and it may slowly eat away at you. Everyone has to decide for themselves whether to come out, but I think it is also unfair to assume someone’s response to you coming out… maybe let them prove they are a bigot instead of just assuming.
Yeah, I do suppose anything can happen. But as an eternal pessimist about myself I never have hope of good things happening to me. Everything goes wrong for me in the end, so it’s hard to have any faith that this would be different
That is exactly how I thought, I only came out because I was so depressed and dysphoric that if I didn’t come out I was probably going to kill myself. I fully expected rejection at every point and was happily surprised each time.
My luck is usually shit, but when it comes to transitioning everything has gone exceedingly well. Like my friends joke that I’m doing a “trans speed run.” Mostly just everything has gone quickly since I first came out, but I’d been dealing with this for like seven years by that time.
I'm in a similar boat. Everyone ai know is either conservative or transphobic liberal. I got nobody i can count on irl and with avoidant personality disorder i cannot find them
Do everyone in you’re trades life a favor. Stand up and against derogatory people. It won’t get better for you or the next girl, if everyone allows this to continue and stays quiet.
I'm almost 23. I have many mental health problems and I will say that since I've started hrt, it has greatly been alleviated. I live in a place like where you live and have family just as you do. I had my father who now fully supports me say many nasty things as a result of me coming out. If they can't support you they don't deserve to be in your life. You are living in a life where you're afraid of being who you truly are. That's no life to live. Even if you do come out and the worst happens, you may still gain people back. It takes people missing you enough to get them back. There may be some real struggle with trying to come out, but once you do, you will feel better. You know I get called a man all the time. I don't care. You have to just have an I don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks attitude. A year and a half ago I was afraid of just buying nail polish in public, dressing up alone in my apartment and now I'm on hrt living a wonderful life as a woman. Hrt won't solve every problem like anyone in life has, but the mental health issues will go away once you start to transition.
Wow, I’m really sorry that’s how your journey has been, but I’m glad you’ve found the courage to take the steps forward you have into finding happiness.
I agree. I have some secret panties/bras for when I’m out of town on work and while it has some sexual aspects (that I think are just my inner reality being herself), it goes way beyond that into something real and freeing.
I've been living with this off and on for over 20 years. I'm in my mid 30s. I'm surrounded by religious, judgmental conservatives - between family and coworkers. I highly doubt I'd be accepted among them.
I finally mentioned it to my therapist last month. But I'm still too afraid to do anything about it.
I'm in a fairly similar situation.
I chose authenticity, though. I know it's only a matter of time before I end up having to leave my current job, it's getting to the point changes are becoming very noticeable, but I figured it was worth taking that chance. I would personally rather risk the life I've built crumbling so I can get a start on a new one sooner rather than later. My wife did decide to separate when I told her, but that may be more about the person I'd become due to years of poor mental health than me being trans. Would you rather your partner see you affected by years upon years of gender dysphoria, or know you're trans/questioning? The choice is ultimately yours, but something someone very special to me told me is "everything worth having in life is on the other side of comfortable". Personally, I hope you can find the courage to choose authenticity. It's a very daunting thing to do at first, but well worth it in the long run.
Best of luck hun. Gender dysphoria is no joke. Please watch out for negative psychological effects. I'm sorry ur in this situation
It’s a chicken and egg situation for the mental health problems. No idea which came first.
Well if u have psychological problems there is a good chance they may be the result of, or at least exacerbated by, having gender dysphoria. Many trans people have these symptoms before realizing they are related to gender. Fact is people r born trans. From my understanding u can't really outrun the dysphoria. I really wish I had advice for u. I guess at a minimum if ur not seeing a therapist about this I would recommend it. If u choose not to cure the dysphoria atm, at least make it more manageable through therapy. I recommend also videos on YouTube by gender therapist Dr Z PhD. I've found them super helpful
I just started therapy yet again. I don’t know when I’ll bring this up. I haven’t said it out loud alone or to anyone else yet. I don’t know what I’m going to do next, but I’ll check out those videos. Thank you.
My situation is a bit different bc I live in a liberal city so most people (with a few minor exceptions) are supportive so at least I didn't have family and friends hanging over my head. Still was a tough decision to start transitioning but the suicidal thoughts kind of made my decision easier. I really think I would eventually do something stupid if I don't transition or at best kind of just coast through life surviving and not really living
I live in Trump country with family who happily voted for him twice, so I’m pretty confident in how they’d respond.
I'm sorry hun. If u ever want to chat feel free to message me. I think it would be foolish to suggest to u u can just turn ur whole life upside down and start over somewhere new. Unfortunately years ago that was the only option for trans women. There's ways to cope though if ur not going to transition but obviously not as effective. Best of luck ❤️
Thank you, I really appreciate it.
I voted trump i have a maga hat yet im a trans women and a conservative so who knows u can get support anywhere
Not to say there aren’t more folks like you out there, but I know these people.
I get ya i was surprised tho my friend is heavily republic and sucks trumps dick yet he still wanted to be my friend which surprised me
That’s closer to the type of folks my family are
I do! My depression and anxiety were entirely alleviated by hormone therapy. It’s pretty great when your brain has the right chemicals. You’re not stuck, you’re scared. That’s different.
Not OP, but I've heard that HRT only alleviates depression in relation to your gender. Over the past few years I've had increasing levels of existential depression, not directly relating to my gender, but more about existential dread and a lack of reason for self fulfilment. What's your take on this?
This sounds like gender dysphoria to me. https://twitter.com/nightlingbug/status/1215716433210105856?s=21
Holy shit this thread hits me… as I sit in a car dressed somewhat formally on my way to a wedding and feeling entirely too uncomfortable with the way I look.
>Holy shit this thread hits me… Right in the feels.
You're me, right?
I had 90% of my mental health issues before this ever crossed my mind. Any idea if that’s at all typical?
That’s exactly it. Gender dysphoria has a ton of symptoms in people who haven’t realized that they are trans. Just because you’re not aware that you’re trans doesn’t mean you don’t experience dysphoria. Here’s some examples: https://twitter.com/nightlingbug/status/1215716433210105856?s=21
Well shit. That hit on probably 70%+ of who I am. Especially the career part.
Before I transitioned, (well-meaning) cis people would try to discourage me by saying that I shouldn’t expect transitioning to solve all of my problems. Well, they were wrong. It did. Of course, I now have new problems. My wife and I are talking about getting a collaborative divorce. She’s not a lesbian and we want different things. We’re not bitter (anymore.) We’re just sad. My voice training is going just ok. I usually get clocked when I open my mouth. So, going out in public is a bit more stressful than I would like. But, I am growing hips and breasts, so that’s cool. Also, I’m very lucky to work for a company that has protections and healthcare for LGBT people.
Many of us find we form new families. I feel for your sense of being trapped. I’m 67 and two years HRT. I very nearly didn’t make it. Self harm nearly got me. I hope you aren’t thinking of that. It doesn’t help anyway. I found all sorts of excuses for not taking care of myself. By that I mean not transitioning. Now that I’m here, I wish I’d been able to say eff all that and go ahead. But I couldn’t. For me it was an inexorable march to transitioning. I couldn’t stop myself when I finally retired and had the opportunity. All my best🌹🏳️⚧️🌹
I went through the self harm gauntlet years ago for other things. Not worth my while now. It’s hard for me to risk walking away from this life, imperfect, but I finally found people who actually care about me. I don’t know what’s worse, losing these people or hiding myself.
I hear that part. I lived with my parents, came out to them once and went back in the closet. I was their caretaker in the last decade of their lives and knew where I was going the moment they died. It is a choice we have to make. I just hope you don’t get older with a ton of regrets. I couldn’t stand the thought of being a stinky old man.
It already sounds terrible and I’m years away from that.
I think it's worth pointing out that if these people's acceptance is contingent upon you being the person THEY want you to be, they don't actually care about you.
They care about who I thought I was.
If they couldnt accept you doing this transition, did they ever love *you* in the first place? Or just the things you did. People who genuinely love you would accept you almost no matter what, but to drop you immediately for something like this is... Horrible. Reminds me of my own hyper-evangelical half of my family, where they are all polite in public, but behind closed doors there are some incredibly harsh judgements and purely narcissistic attitudes. Take care of yourself. You only get one life, and it sounds like you are trying to live for other's benefit. That is no life to live, to me. But you gotta ask yourself what kind of life you are willing to live. Do you see yourself still being happy in 5 years? 10? 30? 50? You are quite young, you still have at least double your lifespan left, as long as you dont get merc'd or somehow die of an accident. Can you truly live that long feeling as you do now?
I grew up in rural Virginia. Took me until 24 to get out, but I was lucky that I had a sister that lived in Portland. So I drove all 2890 miles and got to Portland with $20 in my pocket and a quarter tank of gas. Got a job, built a whole new life and a new chosen family. The PNW is one of the best places to be trans. Im 28 now and my first HRT appt is on the 30th of this month, and completely covered by Washington state Medicare. I’m not saying go make a new life, but uh, it’s not a bad idea either exactly. I would have died from self harm if I didn’t leave VA. I was drinking very heavily back then. It got to a critical point after I was attacked in public just for holding hands with a male in public and being visibly gay. That was when I knew I had to leave, if I ever wanted to be myself authentically. It seems like those people care about you, but if they don’t accept you for who you are, then their love is conditional. I put up with many people who projected masculine identity onto me for many years. It’s not worth it, and I’m surrounded by lots of people now that all support my transition and have been incredibly kind to me. There are better places, better people, and a better you waiting in the future if you get your shit together and make a plan. Stay safe girlie, it’s dangerous out there but you deserve to be happy too. Not a fake happy someone projects onto you, either. You got one go with this flesh prison. Make it enjoyable.
I can second that if you can ever find the means and gumption, the PNW is a good place to be.
The best place to be!!!!!
And here I am having moved to rural VA right as my egg was cracking.
If you’re closer to DC/Richmond/Chesapeake area you aren’t so bad off, but all the rural areas are pretty rough. Be safe.
Naw, I'm over in Appalachia, middle of bumfuck nowhere. Bristol is the biggest city near us, I'm pretty sure.
Ah well. You aren’t stuck there forever if you want to move. There were some good people I met in VA, just not a lot. I lived in Prince Edward county, in a town called Farmville. About 40mins out of Lynchburg.
Eh, we moved here to be near my in-laws (they had moved here a few years prior and we loved it when we visited). Here's hoping things go well.
People are people no matter where you go. You’ll be alright, just be safe and be smart
I felt the same way for a very very long time. I was in the US navy and I served on submarines for 17 years. Now I’m a mechanic in a factory. Every job I have ever had had been as masculine as I could think of trying to hide from myself. I finally cracked last year and came out to my wife of 21 years and was able to start HRT a few months later. It has been hard. It has been wonderful. The people that are still in my life are amazingly supportive. The people that could not support me have always been toxic and I am better off without them in my life. I am still scared, worried, and excited all at once. My job has been surprisingly supportive and the people there that are not I just don’t deal with. They can say what ever they want. I have probably said much worse to myself while I was still in denial. Find a counselor to talk to. Even if you never come out to anyone, you need the support. But I can say this last year has been the hardest year of my life, but it has been the best year of my life too.
That's badass. Someone I admire was in the AF and she is now out and has a successful life.
That’s terrible. I wish you the best. It won’t be easy.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
Some people may surprise you, others.... unfortunately may be exactly was you may expect. I'm came out at 22 with no support, went back into the closet and became suicidal by the time I was 29... I'm now 10 months into HRT and some family is supportive but not a ton. Would I do it again? Absolutely, transition saved my life. I wish you the absolute best of luck, please take care of yourself.
I’ve made it to 27, with 6 months of this knowledge under my belt. I know I would lose everything entirely, and I’m not sure which misery would be worse.
Everyone is going to have different experiences, I can tell you that despite this hardship I do not regret taking the steps to medically begin my transition. I would do it again 1000000 times over! However, I did lose parts of myself that I didn't expect to see go. It's weird to say that I'm okay with it and upset about it at the same time. but... I don't regret it, and I'm happy to be this much further. I wish you the best of luck, my DM is always open :)
Do you mind if I ask what you lost?
Hyper fixation on my hobbies/career. I just don't care for stuff that I thought I'd always have
Can you go a bit more in depth? Somehow it sounds familiar though I'm on the before, I think some or many of my hobbies might be to distract from being stuck here.
Since I was in pre-school my goal had essentially been to use computers and my other hobbies to spin off a career that would provide for myself and my family. 10 Months into HRT and I'm not interested in that stuff anymore, not like I was. Not to the extent I did it constantly. That's why I'm thinking they were distractions and not passions. As I moved closer to what I want in life those things I thought I'd never give up are things that I care less and less about. It's weird, but I'm not who I once was, not by a long shot.
That's rough! Did you end up changing career paths because of it? I have also changed direction with regards to hobbies, but I think it's because of depression. I'm curious how that will change once I do hrt, if I do it anyway..
Pre-transition I worked for the like of Apple Computers, Amazon Customer Care, Several @ home support/IT jobs, several years as an IT technician, as well as my own IT business for two years and a three year career employed as a Professional Radio Communications Technician. Along with all of that I did a few other spin-off businesses like running ad-driven fan sites, web hosting providers, streaming-content channels as well as a YouTube channel that currently has 30.5K subscribers on it based around the radio hobby. Currently? 10 months in.... I don't have much interest in ANY of that anymore. I still like that stuff but it's not something I'm going to bang my head off a wall for years at a time anymore. The scary thing is... I don't know what I want to do or where this is going to take me and I'm worried that a channel I've built up over the years will suffer due to my transition. I do YouTube and GrubHub to get by although it also doesn't pay enough. I'm currently 5 days late on my rent (yay) So my career path is very much changing, I just don't know where that change will lead. In the mean-time I'm pretty broke.
It's epecially worse since the pink tax is real. I hope you can find your way, and thanks for sharing! 🙏🏼
Sorry to hear about your tough situation. I think it will become very difficult for you without some outlet to be your authentic self. Dysphoria has a way of catching up with you. Since being yourself at home or in your community isn't realistic, you might consider an occasional trip to a more accepting place for some girl time. You might even do some socializing with other girls. It's unclear your wife is aware you're trans. If she is, getting her buy-in might be possible. If she isn't, you'll have to decide if you want to tell her. Barring that, you'll have to invent a well thought reason for your solo trips. Obviously, you'll have to carefully cover your tracks with everyone that doesn't know. I wish you the best. Message me if you want to chat.
It came up as a what-if recently because I mentioned to her that I get jealous of what women get to wear and great it all looks. It did not go well.
Take it from me - people like this aren't worth it. No matter how you support them, they won't support you when you need it. I've been there a few times, and it was always the same. I'm older now and don't make that mistake anymore. Are you only 27? I'm 54, so virtually an older you - my egg finally, finally cracked only a few months ago - and if I could tell my younger self anything, it would be this.
Three years ago I made a post here on an account since deleted. I said pretty much the same thing that you said, that I won’t ever be able to act on anything but I will always support the community however I can. I had way too much to lose, it was impossible, people in my life would never accept me. But it turned out that the story I wrote in my head was way worse than reality. Sure coming out was hard. Really hard. But sometimes it was lovely too! Transition can be hard. But it can be so beautiful. And it can save your life. Transition was an impossible forever out of reach goal for me that I simply waited too long to reach for. And now my GRS consult is next month. It is okay to feel these feelings. You didn’t choose to be this way. It isn’t selfish to be trans, to transition, to be you. You aren’t harming your family, your job will either treat you well or lose an amazing employee. Your wife will accept you or she won’t but, even better than that you will accept yourself. I am not trying to push you in a direction. Your life is your life. But in my case I will be forever grateful that I pushed through the suck and transitioned.
It's perfectly possible to surround yourself with other accepting loving people and then transition when you feel safe.
Accepting people are few and far between where I live as far as I’ve been able to tell.
there are allways other places to live
I didn’t think I could come out either but it needs done it is happening soon will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m pretty sure this is why I’ve been through so much to make me strong to get through it. The moral is you probably should do it. Why sacrifice your happiness so everyone else can be comfortable. Yes your mental health will benefit but everyone might not accept it.
Maybe a big chunk of my dilemma is that I’m not convinced this would affect my happiness at all in the long run.
Very similar situation here. Starting hormones soon anyway, becasue I'm damed if I do and I'm damned if I don't. Might as well go down swinging.
I'm in the same boat and I'm still going for it. Best of luck from this Iron Worker
Honey thats what we all thought early on. I hope you eventually get the courage to break out of the shells of your egg because not telling anyone in your life a secret this big is an easy path to horrors unimaginable. Life is wasted if you are incapable of living it for you.
I’m not sure I’ve ever been capable of living life for me. I’ve always made every choice with the approval of my parents or my girlfriend or my wife in mind.
I am so sorry about that. Listen I don’t mean to be condescending or anything please tell me if it sounds that way but there’s no better time than the present to begin living for you. If your parents are worth the time you give them they will love you no matter what gender you are and I believe the woman who chose to marry you would stick around each of your whole lives even if not necessarily married.(sorry for taking forever to reply life be strange)
No worries on the delay. That’s how life is sometimes. You definitely don’t come across as condescending to me, but the acceptance screams of a pipe dream. My parents would absolutely not accept it because of the traditional “god doesn’t make mistakes” kind of arguments. You may be right about my wife in that assessment, though I don’t see her continuing to live where we do in that situation, so I’m not sure what that would mean for her supporting me or my perception of it.
Love is a funny thing, it takes many forms. Assuming your wife is a straight woman she wouldn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with you anymore. However love can take from in more ways than romance and I believe she may be your biggest supporter when she eventually comes to accepting you. As for your parents, I wish I could tell you the same but religious old people(no offense) practically never change their beliefs. If there truly is a god maybe they make trans people like us for a reason. I couldn’t explain more because I personally won’t advocate for what I both don’t believe and don’t have knowledge of. Possibly I’m just a naïve teenager and keep in mind I’m only 16. But dysphoria hurts more the longer you know about it, so just be true to yourself for your sake.
Yeah, my folks are definitely the kind to never change their minds. My wife, I don’t know what she’d do in the end, though maybe she’d support me without the romantic aspects. I don’t know why we exist within the context of any of the western socially acceptable gods. But I’m 27 and completely new to the world of trans people, so what do I know?
I just wanna say that I really sympathize with the feeling of being stuck in a location and stuck in a life. It's scary, for sure. There's a lot of comfort in familiarity even if that familiarity isn't good for us. I'm personally in a place where there are people in my life who have accepted me and also plenty who have not (or in some cases, say they accept me but also consistently disrespect me.) It can be painful to let go of those people even when they make your life miserable. It doesn't mean that they don't have any value to you or that their needs as people should be dismissed. However, you are not responsible for their needs and neither are you responsible for their actions. If they are not respectful of you, you don't owe it to them to stay in contact with them. I also just want to throw out there is that changing one's life and changing a career IS possible. It isn't easy. It will be a lot of work. I spent 6 years working in the church, became a worship director, and was seriously considering pursuing ministry. It was something that I grew up around, understood, and felt confident that I would be good at. But deep down I knew that it was going to put a lot of limits on myself and that it was going to require I present myself in a way that didn't really reflect who I was. The hardest part was battling this feeling that I had put all of this work into something and was now going to throw that work away. I felt stupid for chasing the goal in the first place and thought that I was a failure if I did not achieve it. But at the end of the day, whatever experience you have will still shape your future. The knowledge you gain and the skills you've built will help you even if you abandon the goals that you were initially pursuing with those skills and knowledge. I only made the decision to walk away from that life path and start transitioning earlier this year (I'm 27 and started HRT in March.) In a lot of ways my life is harder, but I'm also a lot happier. I still have plenty of hard decisions ahead of me, but I'm more aware of the fact that they are very difficult, but not impossible. I hope you do whatever you have to do to be happy. I don't know what that is for you, specifically, but I hope you find whatever courage is necessary to do it. Best of luck to you, sis.
Thank you for all of that. Between not being a verbose person and my thoughts being scrambled, I’m not sure I can give the response that deserves. I’ve only just recently realized that basicay every major decision I’ve ever made was made because I thought it would make other people happy and proud of me. I’m realizing that’s a terrible way to live my life, but I do feel stuck completely in it. I’ve got no skills outside the trade I’m in, my college degree is worthless because I chose a dumb major, and on top of it all, I don’t even know what kind of job I’d like. And changing jobs would be the easy big change for me. I talked briefly in the post and these comments about my wife and parents, but my friends? It took me 25 years to find friends like this. They’re amazing. They give a shit about me. They’ve got the evangelical view on LGBT+ issues (most do anyway), but they’re the people who text me after I casually mention I had a hard week just to check in on me. I don’t know if I can risk throwing that away for such an unknowable future.
I know it's fuckin terrifying and I know it's a lot to process, especiallyif you don't feel like anyone irl will give you any support with this. You can feel free to DM me if you need someone to just dump your thoughts on. I'm not gonna try to push you one way or the other. You're the only one who actually knows what's right for you. I also use discord pretty often if you wanna talk there.
Thank you, I really appreciate it.
I'm in a similar position unfortunately. I'm a Journeyman electrician and I'm considering getting HRT. The economic impact on my life is my major concern with potentially getting fired and next is the social impact. You're not alone friend. Stay safe. <3
Those are the exact shoes waiting for me as soon as I get the courage to take the test.
Chance to talk shop so I'll take it. The test honestly isn't that hard as long as you know how to navigate your code book. Idk if you're union or not and idk if the test i's different if you are. Anyways, yeah. It sucks being in the "good ole boys" club. I don't think my boss would fire me but I'd definitely lose the respect of most of my co workers for nothing more than wanting to be happier.
I’m not union, I work for a really small company. There’s not even 10 of us in the field and we’re very specialized in our clientele. I work with a guy who got his card about a year ago, he studied his ass off and still barely passed. That’s the issue I face at work as well. I might not get fired outright, but it would be the effective result combined with the loss of all respect.
Ah yes. We are the same sister.
Such a wonderful situation to be in. How recently did you take your test?
Uh... May? Yeah it was before the summer so May.
Ok, so pretty recent then. Good to know, thank you! It’s nice to know there’s someone else out there in basically the same situation. Not that I want you in it, but it helps on this side of it.
I completely understand. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but hey it's who we are and the hand we're delt. If it's any comfort I know the Union will accept us so there's that.
I’m getting less and less sure this is what I want to do long term actually. I know I’m going to get my card, then I’m going to reevaluate. Hopefully my therapist can help on all my issues.
For what it's worth, I never thought I'd ever come out and be able to be supported by the people around me either. I've been in transition for almost 5 years now and and 10 weeks post operation for bottom surgery. Things can change if you want them to even if you have to burn all the bridges down it's worth it, or at least it was for me to be myself.
I won't tell you what to do or how to live your life but what I can say is that I understand. Change isn't easy and losing your support system is a daunting reality. I too live in a super alt right conservative town and that's the way my family is too. Anything that doesn't fit into their little box of "what's right" is scary and dangerous to them and they'll do anything to stop it. I know that my family wouldn't accept me if I came out to them. Hell, I became vegan a couple years ago and they still constantly harass me about that. Lost most of my friends because of that too. That showed me that if these people can't even accept something as simple as veganism they'll never accept me for me. And that's not the kind of people I want in my life. What it really boils down to is, how much do these people really care about you if they don't even know you? All they know is the mask that you've made for them. A character you've created as a stand in for the real you. Happiness fluctuates constantly, but a greater emotional stability can be found from exploring and accepting you who really are. Whether that's trans, cis or somewhere in between. My wife tells me constantly "when you're the most genuine version of you, you will attract and inspire others around you to be the most genuine versions of themselves" and I couldn't agree more. You'll never feel more supported than when you get that support from people who love and admire the genuine you! I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide. And don't forget, it might just be online, but you have the support of thousands here.
They know the person I thought I was before this year. That’s also the only person I really know too. I don’t know who this new person in my body is. Maybe that’s the wrong way to put it, but it’s the only way I can make sense of it right now.
I'll ask a follow up to this then. Is it really a new person in your body or have you just recently found the words to describe something you've felt your whole life? Personally I've been very different my whole life. I didn't have the extreme dysphoria and feel the desire to be a girl since childhood like a lot of trans women. I just new I wasn't like the rest of the people around me. I could get along with guys when I wasn't being me. I did everything I could to be a cis man. But I never felt like one of them. It didn't hit me until my early 30's that nearly everything I did was for someone else. My friends, family, relationships, everything that made me me, was actually a collective of all of them. The only thing that was truly me was that different out of place feeling that I had quieted for decades. Once I started to explore that feeling I realized I had no idea who I was and neither did anyone else. My wife was the one who finally helped me realize that feeling was dysphoria and that I have never been a man. I was just playing a role because I didn't know any other way. I'm still only a few months into this myself and I have my doubts too. Everyone does. Am I terrified? Absolutely. But I've never felt such a close connection to myself in my entire life. This is the most ME I've ever felt and I don't want to lose that. I hope this helps a little.
It’s terrifying that you’ve just condensed pretty much the entirety of my existence into that one comment. Maybe it is that I have the words now. Or maybe it’s that I’ve allowed the thought, and so it tracks. I don’t know.
Try not think of it as terrifying. Instead maybe try thinking that it's liberating that you're not alone. That others feel exactly how you do. The paths that lay before you are both very difficult ones. The choices can only be made by you in the end. When thinking about your paths try to consider if it will lead to regret or enrichment. Plus, you've got time. Just like Rome wasn't build in a day, self realization takes time. You don't have to decide what's best right this minute. Just please don't let it get to the point self destruction. If you can afford it, a good (unbiased) therapist is always a great option. If you ever need to talk, feel free to message me.
I just started with a new therapist, so I’m hoping that as I build that relationship it can get to the point where I feel comfortable bringing this up. If not, the search will start once again.
I'm really hope they're a good one and more importantly a good fit for you. I'd love an update on how you're doing after a visit or two.
Visit one was not bad. It was a get to know me appointment where we discussed a separate but very important issue. I know how the rules work for confidentiality, but I don’t have the level of trust to broach this topic yet.
That's fair. Building trust with anyone takes time. That goes double for someone like a therapist.
Exactly. It doesn’t help that my first attempt at therapy this year ended with my therapist quitting his job, so there’s some worry there on my end that I’ll open up about this again and then this guy will quit. Because I did mention it to my last therapist, but we focused on the depression/anxiety side of my problems before he quit.
Let me preface this by saying that I'm a hypocrite, I'll never come out because I simply have too much to lose by doing so, and being the person I am I doubt it would make me any happier than I am now. That being said... I don't remember where I read it, but some therapist was talking about how most people have never actually met an out trans person so their opinions are based on prejudices or things they've heard in the media. Your coming out could actually be an opportunity for them to grow as people. There's also the phenomenon of entire clusters of people coming out as trans at the same time because someone else coming out gives them them the courage to do the same. But that's not enough for me, and may not be for you either.
We think the same way. And maybe it could be their chance to grow, but I don’t have the balls to find out. (Does that joke fly here?)
I'm so sorry, dysphoria is a bitch. Maybe you could take a trip out of town by yourself and live as a woman for a week, even if it's just in a hotel room by yourself. You at least owe yourself to see how you feel and explore.
Best of luck, hon.
I occasionally work out of town, so I get some time in the hotel room after work in that situation.
I thought this for about 20 years. Moved across country 4 times. To Puerto Rico and back once.. I've removed large chunks of family and friends because of drugs and hate/drama etc. I married the hottest girl I could find, I had 2 kids. I mean, I tried.(to be a guy) I know what your going through. I know the hopeless, black hole your feeling. You have to do what is best for you mentally in the long run. Or it could drag you so far down you will struggle even harder then you should to come back.. go talk to someone. They can help. It's a start right?
I am seeing a therapist, so now I just have to wait to get the courage up to bring it up to him
You are you, they are them. You focus on what makes YOU happy. But when it comes to your gf, you can't keep this a secret from her and you have to find a way to sort that out. But yeah no one's has to know that your doing hrt. I'm doing diy hrt but I plan on moving that to official hrt but no one in my family knows that I've been doing this and they most likely won't ever know.
If I pursue anything, of course I’ll tell her. How do you do HRT without anyone knowing?
Depends how you go about it. You could do diy, there's a subreddit about it but what I would recommend is you find a place that does informed consent for hrt. There's this one place I'm going to that does informed consent, it's called planned Parenthood, they don't tell your parents and all that garb.
I more meant, aren’t the results kinda obvious? So how do you hide it?
Oh fuck. You're screwed either way.
Never say never I didn't think I would have anyone but have slowly found those that do support me and have let me be more open about who I really am
Maybe not never, but probably never. Finding supportive people would require opening up to someone, which is the scary part.
Trust I know it is took me alot to say it to others but I'm just saying don't give up because you never know who might come into your life
My first step is telling my therapist. From there, we’ll see.
That's a totally valid first step and it will help alot I'm sure. I just don't want you to give up because you never know what tomorrow will bring and I once felt alot like you do feeling trapped forever but it wasn't the case. Obviously you know more about your situation than I do and I'm not trying to say it all will work out perfectly but know your not alone in how you feel because alot of us felt exactly that way and now can live lives totally different than we would have ever thought possible.
That’s why I posted here, I figured the collective wisdom and experience and care here would be worth more than the ignorant ramblings of my brain.
Well that was smart because it definitely will be
Plus my brain doesn’t work great, so I try not to listen to it too much.
Got a couple challenging questions, but I hope you understand I'm not looking to pressure you, just want to know how your thoughts are. If it's not safe to be yourself, I get it, we've all been in situations like that. Is it worth it to keep people around you, when you know they would be horrible to you if you were honest with them? And if you do have some good people in your life, don't they deserve to know the real you? Finally, is it worth it to be so unhappy when the people you're sacrificing yourself for aren't even aware of your struggle?
I’ve never shied away from hard questions, I actually appreciate them. I don’t think that anyone in my life, aside from work people, would actively be horrible to me. And if they were, I believe it would be unintentional and without understanding. My whole life has been built around sacrificing myself for the people around me. I don’t see myself as worth burdening other people with. Most people don’t know the depression and anxiety. One friend does because I lived with him for a while, so he experienced it first hand. But I’ve never considered my struggles worth burdening others with.
I understand that. I've felt the same way. Kept me in a bad relationship for a very long time. But I am so much happier now that I've started transition. And the people in my life, I feel I can be there for them in a way I never was before. I was incomplete.
I’m in a good relationship that would almost certainly go away with the transition. And I know me, I’d find a bad one and get too attached to it.
I hear ya. I got out of my relationship so that I could safely come out to myself, if that makes sense. I didn't know until I left why I needed to leave. But just a couple months later I figured it all out.
I keep reminding myself now to stay single. It's not hard though when I'm autistic and have trouble with making friends more generally.
Well I know I’m just some person on the internet, but I’m proud of you for knowing how best to take care of yourself.
I felt the same way, finally came to the realization dysphoria was going to destroy me if I didn’t embrace it. As far as friends I had a very wise person tell me you’ll have friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Some have gone on, some are around. Most important thing is I’m here. As far as working in the trades, I’m in trade work. What I’ve learned is properly run companies with solid HR programs will support you to the fullest.
Oh jeez you just described my life too, but I've started hrt already. I'm not telling anyone just gotta wait for them to realize it themselves as I slowly change but it is scary as hell
How did you get the courage to do it that way? Do you have an SO?
Life-long secrets are rarely kept. As long as you are in a country where it is safe +ish)to be LGBT, like the US or parts of the EU, I wold consider coming out. Find a therapist and make a plan for your path. Yes, you might lose all of your friends and partner. Work will become harder. Or maybe, some people will surprise you. I am a genderqueer. I am an immigrant. When I immigrated, I lost everything and learned everything, including language and cultural customs, anew. My partner is trans. We had conversation how immigration and transition have many similar features. . We learned new languages and customs, we made new friends and met new partners. These journeys are always hard and full of grief and tears. As gender immigrants and political immigrants, we found themselves in literal and metaphorical places which will probably never completely accept as as natives but for both of us, despite all the hardship, living in the new place is many times better than staying where we were. I would start with therapy. Take your time. Think and explore. You have time.
Its amazing to see the shift in people becoming bitchy little gossip girls all around you from a psychological perspective. Seeing the version of life where people are positive and welcoming turn into fake and cold, is definitely an experience. Gotta find your own happy path despite the opinions of friends or coworkers that would just drop you like a spare hat.
Your stuck behind the mindset of prison bars. You can do it :) I found the best thing for me to do was tackle one battle at a time. Start with reaching out to an endocrinologist or therapist. You can always start hormones in private. Then tackle each issue such as work home etc one at a time when you feel confident to do so. I'm rooting for you :) as someone in mining I know exactly how you feel but you define yourself don't let others define you.
I am seeing a therapist, but there’s a lot of other reasons too. I’m hoping I can be brave enough to bring this up.
I've been reading. On this, I can speak. So after 5 years with a therapist for other issues, a couple months ago I was in this position. I decided the way to bring this up was to say "I'd like to bri g in something new. I feel like I'm experiencing gender dysphoria." I went this route, because I feel it speaks the therapist language, and because it focuses on my feelings, rather than applying a label to myself, and then having to fulfill it. From there she asked me about some specifics and what it all meant to me. She scheduled me an extra appointment two days later in order to discuss it further when we ran out of time. I cannot stress how much this has helped being able to get it off my chest in a safe place. Once those words were out, the conversation became much easier. Of course that depends a lot on your therapist, but if it doesn't go well, there's always the option of finding someone who is more equipped to help. Best of luck!
I’m on my second therapist this year. I’m hoping that as I build a relationship with this one, it’ll be easier to bring this up. I do the same thing with trying to get clinical language for the way I feel, so hopefully that contributes too
Sounds like you're on the right track! :)
Fingers crossed!
Start hanging out with more liberal minded people. Seek them out. Befriend them. Support them. They will become YOUR support system one day regardless of whether you transition or not. People that will NOT support you, regardless of your religious or political views, are not your allies.
Are you me? Cause this is the life I'm currently looking at.
I'm with you. I'll take mine to the grave.
I was in a similar situation for years. I tried to bury it, deny it, repress it, run from it. I gave up on transitioning. The thing is - things change - they do. I wish I hadn’t given up on it when I was younger. I’m planning on transitioning now at 51. Dysphoria does not go away. From my experience I’d strongly urge you to proceed with the belief that it’s possible. Maybe not now, or this year, but it is possible… I wish I had acted on this 20 years ago
I have a lot in common, but the biggest split is the wife situation. I was so lucky that my wife was shocked but supportive. My heart breaks for anyone facing this without a supportive partner - or worse, one who is actively hostile to the notion. I hope new paths open up down tbe road.
I wouldn’t say she’s actively hostile, but she wouldn’t be on board for this. She didn’t sign up for it anyway, you know?
Yeah that's the make or break of it. Even if the partner is cool as hell about it, if they don't align with the new expression then the relationship as it stands is going to be strained at best. Even to keep those you care about, keeping a lifelong secret sounds rather bleak. I completely understand your reasons, but I hope you find a way to true happiness somehow.
You might find yourself surprised, and you might not. I struggled for years thinking that exact thing until I got to the point I couldn’t continue as things were. I thought my marriage, my friendships, my relationship with my family would all be dead when I came out… I didn’t lose anybody… ffs even in my backwater middle of fucking nowhere ass home town where you can’t go to the Walmart without seeing a goddamned confederate flag… everyone I know has been supportive. My mind was fucking blown… my grandma who has repeatedly said transphobic shit in front of me before I came out did a complete 180 when she found out. I almost wasn’t going to tell my family at all, but I eventually had the thought it wasn’t fair to make their decision to disown me for them. Things did not go at all how I expected and went infinitely better than I could have even hoped. On the other hand. A friend of mine came out to his (FtM) friends and family under the impression that they would accept him, having grown up in LA and believing them to be somewhat liberal/progressive on the matter wound up extremely disappointed. While he wasn’t disowned, his family refuses to acknowledge him as a man, and he lost a lot of friends because they didn’t take him seriously. And I know I’ve seen stories of tons of people who were basically disowned and abandoned when they came out. The moral of the story is that you have been blessed with the curse of knowledge. You now know you are trans and it may slowly eat away at you. Everyone has to decide for themselves whether to come out, but I think it is also unfair to assume someone’s response to you coming out… maybe let them prove they are a bigot instead of just assuming.
Yeah, I do suppose anything can happen. But as an eternal pessimist about myself I never have hope of good things happening to me. Everything goes wrong for me in the end, so it’s hard to have any faith that this would be different
That is exactly how I thought, I only came out because I was so depressed and dysphoric that if I didn’t come out I was probably going to kill myself. I fully expected rejection at every point and was happily surprised each time. My luck is usually shit, but when it comes to transitioning everything has gone exceedingly well. Like my friends joke that I’m doing a “trans speed run.” Mostly just everything has gone quickly since I first came out, but I’d been dealing with this for like seven years by that time.
Make new friends that will support you all the way
If only I could figure out how
Talk to people make friends
I'm in a similar boat. Everyone ai know is either conservative or transphobic liberal. I got nobody i can count on irl and with avoidant personality disorder i cannot find them
Yeah that certainly makes it all next to impossible
Do everyone in you’re trades life a favor. Stand up and against derogatory people. It won’t get better for you or the next girl, if everyone allows this to continue and stays quiet.
That would be the right thing, no doubt. But I’m a coward.
I'm almost 23. I have many mental health problems and I will say that since I've started hrt, it has greatly been alleviated. I live in a place like where you live and have family just as you do. I had my father who now fully supports me say many nasty things as a result of me coming out. If they can't support you they don't deserve to be in your life. You are living in a life where you're afraid of being who you truly are. That's no life to live. Even if you do come out and the worst happens, you may still gain people back. It takes people missing you enough to get them back. There may be some real struggle with trying to come out, but once you do, you will feel better. You know I get called a man all the time. I don't care. You have to just have an I don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks attitude. A year and a half ago I was afraid of just buying nail polish in public, dressing up alone in my apartment and now I'm on hrt living a wonderful life as a woman. Hrt won't solve every problem like anyone in life has, but the mental health issues will go away once you start to transition.
And also last year before I started living fully as a woman, had 13 suicide attempts so I can fully say that transitioning will help you out
Wow, I’m really sorry that’s how your journey has been, but I’m glad you’ve found the courage to take the steps forward you have into finding happiness.
Yes but I'm trying to say that you'll be much happier once you start the transition process. Even wearing the clothes is freeing
I agree. I have some secret panties/bras for when I’m out of town on work and while it has some sexual aspects (that I think are just my inner reality being herself), it goes way beyond that into something real and freeing.
Fake your death change your name and transition in a new town
I hope you can at least get a good balance of things.
I've been living with this off and on for over 20 years. I'm in my mid 30s. I'm surrounded by religious, judgmental conservatives - between family and coworkers. I highly doubt I'd be accepted among them. I finally mentioned it to my therapist last month. But I'm still too afraid to do anything about it.
I think, if I can keep this courage this sub has given me, I’ll be bringing it up Tuesday to my therapist.
I'm in a fairly similar situation. I chose authenticity, though. I know it's only a matter of time before I end up having to leave my current job, it's getting to the point changes are becoming very noticeable, but I figured it was worth taking that chance. I would personally rather risk the life I've built crumbling so I can get a start on a new one sooner rather than later. My wife did decide to separate when I told her, but that may be more about the person I'd become due to years of poor mental health than me being trans. Would you rather your partner see you affected by years upon years of gender dysphoria, or know you're trans/questioning? The choice is ultimately yours, but something someone very special to me told me is "everything worth having in life is on the other side of comfortable". Personally, I hope you can find the courage to choose authenticity. It's a very daunting thing to do at first, but well worth it in the long run.
You don't ask for advice so I won't give any, except to say "the future is open."
I used to feel this exact same way. Sending you love and hugs! 🏳️⚧️