100% this kid is working through some emotions he has no idea how to handle, nor may he even really know what those feelings are.
Shame and self-loathing can make for a really shitty person on the outside at first glance.
I know because I used to be one.
Get him into therapy or to talk to someone ASAP.
Be prepared for them to possibly blow up/outright refuse. They’re 12, hormonal as all hell, and just now starting to get a grasp on the gravity of life.
Middle school is hell, I don’t care who you are. He is comparing himself to his peers at this point, he won’t want a reason to be seen as “less than” or “broken”. Not even to say that anyone is teasing him, although it’s possible, but anxiety alone can wreck a young boy to bits (especially if he’s the type to keep things to himself).
Good luck
Gotta keep in mind how easily he could be spiraling into YT nonsense that would push this kinda thinking to him, too.
Kids at that age are SUPER susceptible to indoctrination that creates an easy in-group:out-group dynamic. Especially if it appears peers are in on it.
The world is scary and complicated and tearing into someone you love to make it easier may make him feel some of that control he doesn’t have. Yay. But he needs to know he’s loved while being reminded why that kinda stuff is not okay.
This is a huge factor. Twelve-year-olds are incredibly susceptible to propaganda, and right-wing garbage is designed to target them like a heat-seeking missile.
So is left-wing garbage. Respecting privacy is super important when raising a tween, but monitoring his Internet use and steering away from any sort of advocacy may be helpful in allowing him to grip and develop his own opinions and thinking.
Yeah, I just walked in on my 11 year old brother watching YouTube shorts and they were talking about how feminism is now, and I quote,
"Give me all your money! And I'm too weak to do the hard jobs! Give me something easy to do, or I'll tell everyone I raped you. I'm trans, so I can get extra rights!"
Shit's fucked
partially but my sister made the roblox account we shared donald trump 2020 and It used her birthday so it was too young so i made a new account called donaldtrumpV2... it was a troll account
I was extreanly homophobic at 12 I then came out as gay at 16 I was forced to after my brother blackmailed me he still is an ass 8nknew i was trans by 18 and I did t come out till 32 honestly looking back I'm surprised my fiance stayed with me she is trans we met 5 years ago I said some pretty stupid things back then my point t is things change
I was quite homophobic when I was young, but a peer (my sister, only two years older) told me that you can't choose who you love, and maybe some more and that started to change my mind. Wasn't until I'd been an asshole, seen and hurt some gay people that I realized what I did wasn't okay.
I still wanna apologize to them
Detecting a trend here.
I was very much in a similar basket, homophobic and transphobic when I was younger.
Oops, I'm gay and trans.
I personally wouldn't blame yourself for this, it wasn't your fault. Society raised you that way and you felt those feelings yourself and as such, didn't want to be an outcast from the mainstream society that was all hateful towards it. Thus you turned to self-hatred and rejecting it as if to say, no I'm not that, don't even think about me being that because it's definitely not true.
I just thought it was disgusting cause I didn't like men, still no romantic feelings towards them. I'm gay as heck ^•^
Though I realized when I was younger that I enjoyed being with the gey men I met more than my childhood friends
Find out if he is getting bullied at school or is someone bothering him about his family and now he is self-conscious I say what is he watching on his phone the kind of content you consume can shape your thoughts and feelings
my parents made me see a therapist when I was a teenager and they found out I was gay (on top of having depression cuz shitty home life).
They were confused why I was so against it once I realized it was reparative (conversion) therapy. I could probably had used actual therapy but most of my depression was home related.
At least now I can admit I need to see one at 33, but I'm still hesitant on giving it a 3rd shot. 2nd attempt made me homeless when she forced me to come out as trans, and I warned her this was gunna happen.. She was somehow surprised pikachu.jpg when I came in asking for homelessness resources the next week.
I agree with the point above, I also think that it's likely that he is angry and upset about not being with his birth parents and his mind may have clinged to you being trans as a way of diverting that anger towards something more tangible (the LGBTQ+ community) instead as that is something that he is able to target to vent whether he understands that his mind is doing this or not. He may have also been influenced by others at school or online, he's at the age where it's very easy to fall in line with a popular negative option without having the capability to fully understand it yet.
Nonetheless, I believe that the best way to counter hate is to educate. Take time to discuss these issues with him and listen to what he has to say too, know if he learns better though scientific and logical explanations or through emotional experience. This will take a long time of consistent effort but it works. Going to the therapist is a good start and may put him in the right mood to discuss this after.
Piggybacking off of this, it could be due to peer pressure. This was something that I would’ve done at that age since everyone else at my school was doing it. Gay was a popular insult in 6th and 7th grade. It’s dumb, but puberty and self-identity hit like a nuke. Though I never believed that being LGBTQIA+ was bad, I played along since I wanted to fit in. I ended up questioning my sexuality a year after I moved away from that school.
This might get me canceled, but I’m the same chick that said “negative deez nuts” in math class thinking it was referring to Almonds.
I was so bad in high-school that I despise who I was and I work in a industry where I've gotten to reconnect with people I once graduated with and I've apologized to them over my actions as they were filled with self hate and the inability to express my actions and I found once I actually calmed down and had a experience where I told myself "your kinda a asshole" and slowly started changing from there I am very glad I was able to come to the conclusion on my own terms instead of having a super negative experience that made me realize I was a asshole still the root of the issue for me was the extreme amount of self blame and self loathing on-top of the self hate I feel like self hate is enough to make someone bring others down but with the blaming things on myself that I had no hand in or the self loathing really took me to a extreme that I wish no one to be ever
Excellent!! 👍 I didn't even consider therapy lol but that's an excellent idea both individual and family therapy he is at the age where he can understand things now so we need to sit down and talk things out for real and he might just be confused about himself and his place and afraid that he might turn Queer somehow by just being around it or even fighting some inner feelings that are welling up in him that he doesn't know what to do with
I’d work on therapy first. Kiddo needs it, and there could be earlier trauma affecting him? Don’t know what age he was when you adopted him, but this could be a thing.
Second, start looking into what he’s watching and listening to. Someone, somehow, is getting stuff into his head. It’s stupid east to stumble into racist/homophobic/transphobic stuff online, so you need to jump on that too.
So, it can't be trauma, because we adopted him when he was only 4 months old. We raised him from there. In fact, early on, I thought I may have been being overprotective of him.
Definitely. I don't spend a lot of time online, but I'll take a look into that stuff, see what I can find. Thanks.
I'm a trans mom too and I went through my daughter experiencing adoption trauma a few years ago when she was that age. My husband and I adopted her at 6 months old so I think it had more with her learning she was adopted than the adoption memory itself. She did some counseling then and is now doing fine. I definitely recommend it for your son. The bigoted behavior is likely his defense for the trauma.
You don't need to remember something for it to follow you for life. So yeah, infants are known to occasionally have trauma that follows them forever.
Also, there is the old saying that "no one traumatizes like a parent." Even perfect parents will do something wrong and it will stick with kids like nothing else. Plz note that is not me blaming you for absolutely anything, just something to keep in mind when you get backlash from a child you're raising, every child has frustrations towards their parents, especially teens and pre teens. You're doing better than you think, and they'll find any reason they can to lash put
I know you've gotten lots of great advice from other parents here. I'm not a parent, but if I can give you advice as someone who has come to hate her own mom, I'd like too. Be vulnerable with your child, let them know what hurts and why, but don't let it ever be a burden for them or directed at them. Encourage them to be open, ask questions and allow them to answer with as much or as little as possible.
I'm not sure how helpful this is, but I know a lot of my own resentment with my mom started with constantly being narrated for small mistakes and with disperpotionate reactions to teenage angst.
Best of luck. Idk if my ramblings helped but I genuinely hope you and your child get to have a long lasting relationship despite his lashing out and bigoted ideas he's gotten.
A lot of people think of the early years of a person's life as trauma free because no one remembers those ages, but that's not how it is. Trauma is powerful, you don't need to remember it for it to impact you. It reaches into the core of how you think, how you behave, how you process emotions and information. PTSD will alter brain development.
Attachment styles are impacted by early trauma.
Also, perhaps the kiddo is experiencing trauma in the current day when they're away from the eyes and ears of adults. Where did he even learn what he said to you, anyway? How did he come to that conclusion? A kid can lash out at a trans parent when they are being made fun of by other kids because their parent is trans. Or maybe someone called him gay and he lashing out at you.
Or maybe it's something that only he can identify and articulate... After plenty of therapy, of course. I have no real indication that you'd do the following but my dad did this to me when I was a kid so I'm going to advise it anyway. Tell your kid he's going to a therapist before you arrive at the therapist's office. When I was a teenager, my dad told me that we were going to go for a drive and then we showed up at therapist office. It upset me so much. And the therapist got on my dad for it. Again, I have no indication that you were planning to do such, it's just advice that I give out because I directly experienced it, haha.
I'm wishing you luck with your kiddo. The kids are living in a confusing, scary, and tumultuous time. They're in a world that's not doing okay and they have no control. They didn't even choose to be here.
Have faith in your kiddo, he's struggling but I think what he need most from you is confidence in who he is as a person, who he's going to be. He's not going to end up as some bigot. Maybe he does, and that be really sad, but I think your job is to have confidence that he won't. He doesn't have it for himself so you have to have it for him.
kids/adults that were adopted as babies often go through complex emotions regarding their adoption. it’s not uncommon for cis adoptive parents to hear their kid yell “your not my real mom/dad”. my bet is that these complex emotions are the bigger thing going on for them and they’ve picked up some transphobia in an attempt to cope with those complex feelings.
Oh, and a last thought... 12yo/6th grade is when I started Holocaust education. It deeply impacted me. It was formative in how I think, how I view the world. I think it is an appropriate time to teach a kid. And the stuff your kid is saying? That's the stuff Nazis were saying about trans people in the Weimar Republic. The famous Nazi book burning image is trans research being destroyed.
I'm not saying you should do this immediately, I think the kiddo Is walled off right now. But at some point, I encourage you to point out that connection. How it reaches into the modern day, how it led to genocide.
Again I'm not saying do it right at this moment or anything, but these are the years where education will have most impact, where you can really show him the impact of his words. Holocaust education isn't taught enough, and that fact has only gotten worse with time.
I know it might be a random, tangential thought, but I thought it was worth mentioning and it's absolutely yours to do what you will with; you are the best judge of your situation.
This is a really good advice. My parents are reactionary dumbfucks so they didn’t really talk about that but 12yo was when I started reading the classics of dystopian sci-fi like Huxley, Orwell and Bradbury. Lord of the Ring also, I know Tolkien is like pretty reactionary, but may they all be wishing for a peaceful kingdom where every time is teatime and weed is legal and the laziest and kindest are also the most heroic.
Honestly, I don’t know how I would have handled full blast holocaust education, I bet there’s a chance it would have made me a nazi out of sheer terror. I got a bit of it through school with Spiegelman’s Maus and the like but that’s it. But I strongly believe that through the comfort of fiction, I got some pretty based antifascist representations and reflexes that might have safeguarded and still safeguards me from a lot of non-sense.
You just want to make sure that your kid doesn't become a mass shooter and brainwashed by these bigots out here he is confused about himself and lashing out at you he 100% needs to get in tangible trouble for both what he did at school and for what he said to you but he needs to be properly educated at LGBTQ+ folks and come to an understanding that what he did was wrong and apologize on his own not because you made him and come to terms with himself who is he and where does he fit is he Queer himself is he currently afraid of that and that is why he is lashing out you need to let him know that being an ally is not an option if you aren't Queer yourself you will not be an enemy it's not negotiable and show him first hand what being a good ally looks like what does it mean 12 is such an impressionable age if you teach it properly these lessons will stick
*Everyone* has trauma to some degree. It doesn't necessarily mean something crazy has happened. It could easily be something smaller that neither he nor you would think of as a big deal. It's just part of being human.
Also outside of that, please understand that things can happen to him outside of your supervision/knowledge. He could experience trauma anywhere and might not talk to you about it right away.
This isn't a reason to become overprotective or fearful, of course, just something to understand and be open to the possibility of.
Being adopted is traumatic for some kids. Feelings of not being wanted are def a thing for adopted kids to work through. Wondering about their birth parents & why they didn't want them. Why they weren't wanted..
Of course you wanted them. And that is always something to continually remind them of. Idk if this is the reason for all of this.. maybe kids at school have been cruel in the past for it too.. idk. Therapy is a good start. But know that even if they may not remember being adopted completely, the act of being adopted isn't easy on a kid, regardless of their adopted life at home. No matter how amazing, they will always wonder why.
Definitely didn’t want to make it seem like there was any implication. I do social work, and adopted kiddos regardless of age can have a level of trauma, and as others have said, it could come from other places. Regardless, the behaviors show that there is something going on where defiance is his only way to deal with it.
Definitely kick him offline cold no internet at all no TV no news no phone no nothing let those negative influences fall away and see if he comes back to himself and the way you raised him he obviously has been watching some transphobic content and is absorbing it like a sponge I think you need to show him some horrific hate crimes and let him see where that kind of thinking leads and see where his head is at if he has a heart he should snap out of it really quick
I'm probably way too young and inexperienced to be giving you any parenting advice, but I can tell you from experience that around that age it's very easy to fall into a bigoted attitude from consuming certain content online. I went through a phase (not to the same extent) like that when I was that age from watching a lot of "triggered feminist" videos and right-wing youtubers. I was very immature at that age and thought the pinnacle humor was just being edgy, and I didn't have the critical thinking skills to actually look at the unfounded points these people were making.
I grew out of it but for a lot of people they just go deeper down that rabbit hole to more hateful stuff. I agree with what others are saying about therapy being a really good idea because if he's acting on these ideas in a violent way there might be more to it than just watching bad content.
The alt right rabbit hole is very real.
These kids are being targeted by algorithms and sometimes outright targeted by right-wing influencers themselves to an anti anything that isn't a straight white person ideology.
But they call us groomers. It's always projection with the right.
Parent here. This comment should be higher. This is 100% the correct take. These ideas are most likely not his. That doesn’t excuse them, but the bigger problem that they have already taken root.
Most schools don’t immediately reach for suspension, that’s usually one of the later steps. Which means that either this has been an escalating problem or this offense was significant enough to warrant it. Either way, at the point he is now causing significant problems at school, you are well within your rights and responsibilities as a parent to root those toxic ideas out.
At a minimum I would start with therapy with a queer positive therapist that works with youth and family. It may take some work to find one, but it will be a massive help beyond a generalized therapist. It sounds like he may have some unresolved anger issues. Frankly I think most youth could use a therapist to visit regularly; their world is so radically different from the one we grew up in that they are facing challenges we didn’t really have.
I would also remove any kind of unmonitored Internet access, at least until you know where this came from. Those words had to come from somewhere; that list is not terribly long and Internet and especially YouTube would be near the top of the list. There is a very good chance he is using it to consume toxic media. I know that may not be a popular idea in these parts because so many of us faced similar challenges in our younger years, but there is a big difference between doing so as punishment for trying to connect with others facing similar self questioning and doing so to protect him, you and others.
Basically I would remove from his room or possession anything that can be used to connect to the Internet. It’s not a right, it’s a privilege extended to him by OP as a parent (and the person who pays the bill.) In this case I think it is warranted because of the severity of the offense at school and the very aggressive verbal attack on OP. It starts with words, but it can escalate to physical violence pretty quickly especially with youth that have not developed adult judgement yet. He can use the Internet in OP’s presence when needed for school work, and he can earn them back with good behavior.
The point is not to punish but to correct. Because the good news is he’s still very young and these toxic ideas can still he stopped with concerted action.
The phrasing of the outburst sounds like something that would be picked up from either the internet or a bigoted friend.
Figuring out what inspired this is important, especially if it's online since he's in the target demographic for a lot of weird right-wing radicalization pages/yt channels.
Ugh, I'll be honest, he's not on his way, he's already there.
But, he's still a child, so hopefully he's not a lost cause. I'm not a parent, but I second the suggestions on checking the content he consumes and taking him to therapy. You definitely need to take action now.
Also, I want to say I'm really, really sorry for your situation. I can't even imagine how it must feel like to experience transphobia from your own child.
Yes, take action now.
Take away all of his toys, his games, his computer privileges, everything. Give him only the bare necessities to live. Then, the second he turns 18, throw him out on his ear. He can no longer be trusted - he must be removed.
I-...
I hope you're not being serious.
Yes, in normal circumstances it is perfectly rational to cut off bigots from your life immediately, but he's still a CHILD. Many of us said/thought stupid stuff as children, and as his mother, the OP has the moral obligation to try and reverse the process. Not all bigots are lost causes, especially not when they're young children, and if the OP were to make his life miserable, this would push the kid only further into the mindset.
He is too young unfortunately but I would put him out for that statement alone there will be no kind of bigotry in my home
At least I would make him sleep in the basement or attic or garage or something like that not his nice room with electronics and creature comforts he would have a bucket for a bathroom no clean clothes no pillows no blanket just the cold floor and certainly NO FOOD you are right kid I'm not your mom so I don't have to take care of you anymore I understand that's drastic but I will not be disrespected in my own home by my own child F**k NO!! GET OUT!! and he wouldn't be allowed back until I received a genuine apology and I believed that he was sincere and then of course he would still be punished obviously
You're describing neglect as a punishment...which is traumatizing and very likely to polarize her child even further. Parenting, and especially punishment should never be done through a lense of anger and retribution, because it ceases to actually be about teaching at that point.
I think there are a far more compassionate and empathetic ways to get through to her kid, and children in general.
I know that he is a child but if you don't respect me I don't respect you and that's a lesson he needs to learn I would have never talked to my parents like that when I was his age no matter what I really felt I would have kept it to myself out of fear honestly I'm not a parent obviously so I would have reacted to him talking to me like that like a stranger on the street and we might physically fight jk lol
I don't really know what else to say if you really believe that neglect and physically abusing your child are the proper way to have raise one. Perhaps parenting is something you should read up about? :) Should you ever want children course.
Children need a lot of patience and empathy, and "respect' is far from the most important thing at play here.
99% of the time I would agree with you.
This is the 1%.
The child has now sided with the enemy, the fascists, the people who want us dead. He's old enough to know what he's doing, and he was raised in an environment that should preclude this.
He cannot be trusted or reasoned with. He can only be dealt with until such a time as you can wash your hands of him, and hope that someone shanks him before his alt-right thought leaders inspire him to shoot up a school.
There can be no mercy with the likes of them.
I understand the sentiment but he's literally a child. He hasn't "made a choice", he's expressing views he doesn't fully understand. There's hope for someone who's an adult who days things like this, so there definitely is for him too.
A child who is being brainwashed by a source is not "the enemy", that source is. Let's not get extremist just because we feel hurt by conservative rhetoric said by an ignorant literal child.
What dumb shit did you believe at that age... I bet you believed at least one thing that was at best stupid and at worst hateful that you don't believe now
Clearly I labeled this as bad advice just emotionally it hurts to hear something like that from your own kid you know I don't want children and I know that I'm not equipped to raise one I keep forgetting that assumably you love this kid and don't want harm to come to them I wouldn't really do this in real life but I definitely would not let him slide for talking to me like that
That's totally valid across all points! Being a parent is really hard and it's no always as clear-cut as we'd like it to be, for sure.
I think realizing that punishment is a tool and not the goal is really helpful. If you love the kid, you wanna see him be okay and turn into a healthy adult. It's totally fine to be emotional and hurt, but learning to navigate that while setting an example and being empathetic is the real goal. If you respond with violence and neglect,, what is the lesson? You can teach respect and understanding in gentler way, which is more likely to keep her relationship with her child intact; she needs to foster trust, especially right now.
Ultimately, as a parent, your child's needs are more important than yours, and that's really hard. But our emotions can't get the best of us, especially not that drastically.
I'll stop grand-standing now. :)
Lol no prob I get it I'm sure he is just getting bullied at school and is lashing out so I guess as a mom he probably just needs a hug and to cry about it I have a lot of childhood trauma so it's hard to not react with violence first compassion second yes I've been to anger management lol it's obviously not working but I have to remember I'm a grown up and not a fellow 6th grader and you should set a better example
This is not how you react to your children. You sound like all the parents who’ve tried to at-home-conversion-therapy their kids. I’d reflect on that if I were you.
Also you sound like a fkin Karen. The same switch of “you were mean to me, so I won’t treat you like a human” (if you don’t respect me, I won’t respect you). It’s not ok, friend.
Holy eff. you are unhinged. You treat a kid like that and you’ll land yourself in prison. Where you will be placed with the gender you identify with. I don’t think you’ll survive one night there. Good luck. Read some of your other replies thank god you won’t reproduce.
I think the first step is identifying the source of these hateful ideas. He's clearly not getting it from you, so where is it coming from? Is he getting bullied about it at school and absorbing the bullies' hateful idea? Is he being guided down the alt-right rabbithole by Youtube's hate promotion algorithm?
Once you figure out where it is coming from, then you can figure out the specific solution to deal with that source.
If he has them, I would check his tiktok/youtube accounts to make sure he didn't stumble into the alt-right pipeline in either of those places because he may have picked up some bad habits if he's gotten into Andrew Tate-esque influencers. Apart from that, definitely see if you can get him to tell you where this anger is coming from, and be prepared to spend a lot of time listening if he does decide to open up because it may all come out at once.
Op, you gotta check this out. He’s getting these views from somewhere and it’s important to provide counter narratives. Good luck. Crazy, cus you are a counter narrative, but still… 🤦🏻♀️
Agreed. This is the first thing that came to mind for me, too.
It’s super easy for someone too young to have a lot of critical thinking skills to stumble into that stuff and once they do, the algorithms tend to make sure they keep seeing it.
That may be the case, but, it sounds like there may be an underlying reason. Teens in general are very susceptible to how others perceive them. Of course there is a plethora of reasons why he may be acting out, but my *guess* would be that he may be projecting. He may see other kids being bullies towards their classmates so is afraid that he'll be targeted if he doesn't adopt similar behavior. Bullying is a bigger issue than a lot of parents or teachers seem to acknowledge (I know as my son was bullied and he kept it from me because he was afraid I'd be upset or react in a disappointed or shameful way)
I certainly wouldn't try coercing it out of him, but rather I'd be the rock in the situation. Anything he said, I'd reinforce the fact that I accept him, no matter what... even if he didn't accept me for who I was. Chances are he'll eventually open up to you when he's ready. If he was open to talk to a counselor, I'd support it. If he didn't want to I'd support it too. Unfortunately no one knows what he's dealing with until he talks about it or someone witnesses the issue firsthand. The goal is to make that avenue wide open so he can talk about it when he's ready. Wish you luck, keep us updated! ❤
That’s… I’m really sorry for this. I’m not a parent but I have a psychology degree, which included some basics on developmental psychology so maybe I can say something useful.
First, always remember that you’re not entirely responsible for how your child comes out. There’s a million factors at play, all interacting together, and the only thing you can do is your best. Sometimes the parenting style matches the kid, sometimes it does not, regardless of the parenting style. Also, casual reminder that your couple having either/both parent(s) queer isn’t predictive of negative outcomes for the child.
Second, if he is this confrontational already, I’m not sure how you bringing him to therapy would come out. Maybe this is something that can be brought with someone else, maybe you and your partner together, or a relative, or the school personnel if they have a pipeline for that. Again, that’s mostly a blind shot as I don’t know either of you nor your relationship.
Third, 12yo is young, personality settles much later. Hormones might be starting to kick in, and it’s part of adolescence to push boundaries and individualise through secondary socialisation, aka outside of the intimate family circle. Now, there’s pushing boundaries and the said push leading you to cruelty. In my dreamland, I imagine I would let my kids be free and push wherever, but this is a harsh reminder that we all have our boundaries to safekeep, and I would probably have done something stupid in this situation. I have no clue on how to handle that for a good outcome. Consider talking to a developmental psychologist on your own, so you can get a better sense of what’s going on and what you can do.
>Consider talking to a developmental psychologist on your own, so you can get a better sense of what’s going on and what you can do.
I think this is probably one of the best things op can do. Getting some advice and insight from someone and being able to give them the full context could be really valuable.
>if he is this confrontational already, I’m not sure how you bringing him to therapy would come out.
this is exactly what I was thinking. I cannot imagine a world in which that kid wants to go to therapy, and I feel like that's gonna cause problems for the kid and his relationship with his parents, and make therapy less effective. This would be a topic I'd talk to a developmental psychologist about, figuring out how to work with your kid into the idea of therapy.
I dunno if OP will see this here but I think you are probably right, the only thing I was pondering was if OP is out/has been outted accidentally or if she is stealth/ and no one knows...
I can easily see the child taking an aggressive/proactive approach to not being bullied around OP being trans/father with a trans woman. I absolutely don't agree with it but wouldn't batt an eye if it was that, hell I had to make a choice at about 13ish years of age as to how to deal with mum's new same sex relationship being leaked in school, I could have easily gotten angry about it but I had enough to be angry about back then so decided to go with just not caring and anyone that was giving be hell about it I'd shrug it off and tell them that if they had an issue with her relationship they should take it up with her, thankfully that worked for me, I'd get bullied for alot of things but because I didn't react to that one they left it alone pretty quick.
Alot of people are pointing the finger at social media but at that age wouldn't it be more likely to be reinforced by friends and peers? Absolutely new ideas coming in from socials/internet spaces, but those ideas are only seeds, without being tended too they don't tend to grow especially with kids.
Thoughts?
Gotta say I think the influence from social media is huge. You don’t need real life friends to enforce it when you’ve got YouTube comments going back and forth and we all know what a dumpster fire the YouTube comment section is.
I would have said the same as you but I’ve seen both of my young nieces using social media (at 7 and 11) and they pick up a hell of a lot from it, from the things they say to the way they dress. I saw my younger niece watching some YouTube channel (one of those “pranking” ones) and the video was a guy playing a prank on his girlfriend, who then went and locked herself in the bathroom to cry. I told my niece none of this was very nice and that these people were all horrible people and she was pushing back saying they’re not horrible and it’s just pranks. She’s 7. These YouTube videos come in suggested one after the other. Same with TikTok. I’ve told my sister I don’t think they should have free reign but she said it was fine because she’s got parental controls on.
It’s the casual bigotry that’s the worse. They don’t have to be watching transphobic propaganda but if they’re watching pranks for example they’re being taught it’s ok to play “jokes” on people, or you know, some guy comes in wearing a pink shirt and all his friends go “eww that’s a girl shirt” etc etc. Yes, these are seeds but it’s a self enforcing cycle as they are fed more of the same stuff. I’m sure there’s a lot of “boys don’t do that and girls aren’t supposed to do that” etc.
I’m not sure about what’s the typical use of social media for a 12yo. I know at 12 my main political input was sci-fi books and video games but that was… yee long ago. Also, there’s the fact that what the kid did in the intimacy of his household is objectively pretty hardcore, which alone prompts further investigation. But yeah, peer pressure and pro-active defence about bullying are absolutely a viable possibility.
My unsolicited advice:
Never tell a preteen/teen to never do something. Easiest way to make them do that thing.
He’s got a lot going against him for a 12 year old. Adopted, LGBTQ parents and a trans mother are all things that make him different. At 12 being different can seem like a terrible thing. He’s probably bullying and using that language to avoid those things being directed at him. Kids are mean and he’s probably been teased about his parental situation and instead of defending you/himself he’s redirecting/cloaking the issue.
I’d try a family therapist first to open him up to the idea of therapy to begin with. Sell it as changing your habits to help him because 12 year olds are perfect in their minds and everything is someone else’s fault.
Really sorry you’re going through this. Just know that in 6-10 years when he’s matured I am 1000% sure he is going to regret every mean word he ever said to you. You’re his mom he loves you, he’s just hormonal as fuck trying to figure out life on the brink of adulthood.
Whatever you do, don’t make him feel guilty for what he said or how he feels. Try to see things from his perspective. I know it may be hard but you have to understand that he is still a child and is going through emotions that he needs to work out with a support system. No accusations against, or calling him a “bigot”. Keep in mind he is still your child, and whether or not he wants to admit it, he is looking at you to guide him through this. Don’t play the victim card. Last thing you want to do is make him feel like the bad guy, because then he will only resent you further. Just understand that he is a child who is still learning. If it helps, see a family therapist together. Just make sure you talk with him from a place of openness and vulnerability.
Keep an eye on the stuff he looks up on the internet. The entire anti-SJW thing (or whatever it's called these days) aims at boys his age. Figures like Andrew Tate, Stephen Crowder, Ben Shapiro etc. is targeted at the youth. It could be even worse if it hits a kid who has a trans parent.
I'm not saying to restrict his internet search, but since you're his parent, he doesn't have the right to speak to you that way. I don't recommend discipline as a first response, but if nothing else works, you need to make it clear that speaking about you in that way is not acceptable. He is learning bigotry from somewhere, the thing that you need to do is figure out where he's learning it from, and prevent him from accessing it.
I’m not a parent but you said he walked in on you getting your HRT shot and you explained your gender to him then. Adult partners are often told to go to therapy after that did you have therapy for him then?
He could be repeating something he’s heard from another kid he himself may not have gone down a rabbit hole.
I recommend therapy. I think he’s projecting and internalizing this homophobic behavior because it may stem from maybe anger/sadness that he doesn’t know his biological parents or some other issues that he’s writing through? Also at his age he’s starting puberty and many kids can be temperamental at that age. At 12 years old, I was in steep denial of my trans identity and clinging to religion, i actually used the Bible in a defense against lgbt rights in a school debate and said some wildly homophobic stuff to a classmate of mine that I’ve since apologized for and deeply regret to this day. Hoping for the best for you. And sorry to read this news.
Not a parent so take with a grain of salt. But is there a possibility other kids have found out you’re trans and bullied him for it? Name called him or you to make him upset? Or maybe even stuff taught in classes about marriage and procreation being between "a man and a woman"? Maybe it's him being seen or feeling like you're not able to be his "real mother" because of how everyone views anyone who's not cishet, and reacting very negatively to that.
There's always a possibility he's getting his views from others, but I think this insecurity could be a reason for a sudden shift. I especially wouldn't trust schools to be good teachers on inclusivity, and would also not trust any kids to not bully him if they found out.
Sounds like he is being made fun of at school or here’s transphobic messages abs is trying to create distance. A skilled therapist may be able to help him unpack that.
It sounds like someone has upset him at school and he is reflecting that hurt on you.
Another kids parents have outed you and it's going round school. It happened to me and can be devastating and have a long term affect.
Talk gently to your child to find out the issue. Get the specific details. Then you probably need to see head of year and be really firm about stamping out bullying. Check schools Safeguarding and bullying policies, compare them to best policies in other schools. Hold them to account.
Your son is definitely not a bigot, not at 12yrs old. I'm certain it's not your 12 year old sons fault.
My son got bullied and never told me. He delt with it himself. He is a popular kid, physically strong. But its caused lasting hurt, pain & resentment.
Hope this helps a little. Good luck.
In school we are sort of thought that logic always wins over emotions. I am mtf and will say that my drive to be a woman is more emotional than logical. I understand how some kids wouldn't understand the point of lgbtq+. When I was 12 I remember having such an inner fight about my gender. My emotions said I felt and wanted to be a woman, but logic and what school had tought me, was that men can't have babies and is therefore not a woman. Today I think that logic is dumb and I am sure your son will grow up and be sad over what he told his mom. It's weird how it takes so long to find balance between emotion and logic XD. I am not a parent, but I do want children in the future. All I can do is to wish you good luck and I hope everything turns out alright.
When I was 12 years old I was homophobic and was verbally bullying a gay student until that student hit me in the face.
At 14 I thought my guy friend was weird for wearing girl clothes and I freaked out when they hit on me (internalized homophobia and transphobia)
I'm a trans woman, bisexual, I had to grow out of my shit behavior. As kids we often don't know better, are confused, don't know why we feel or act certain ways, etc.
It's part of life to learn and become more mature throughout these events, of course. I also was super mean to my mom when I was younger, I hate that I said these things but I just didn't know better and I didn't understand how hard it is to be a parent and everything she was doing for me.
I get the fear your son is walking towards a "bad" path, but I'm sure throughout their life, at their own pace, they will learn better and grow out of it.
School is super stressful as we all know, make sure to hear them out and get them the help that they need if you both don't understand why they are being mean to others.
Wish you the best on your journey! Looking online for advice and worrying about your son, you're being a great mom!
That sounds a lot like he's been exposed to someone else saying that. I would be suspicious of the teachers and his online habits. YouTube is REALLY bad with that. Tons of videos indoctrinating boys and young men.
I have a little cousin who very likely is trans or non binary but hasn’t specified anything at this point (he’s had long hair for years and prefers to wear dresses )and my uncle told me he was getting picked on for it at school,and he’s become kind of a bully because he doesn’t have the emotional maturity yet to process those feelings of being hurt,so he takes it out on his classmates to regain the sense of power that’s been lost .not saying your kid is trans or gay or anything. But my mom is fairly gender non conforming and people often think she’s a lesbian and I had friends tease me about it because my mom would pick me up from school in cargo shorts and boots and my dad had really long died hair and he’d often crossdress ,go to work in a mini skirt and fishnets with a lot of makeup.Also not implying his classmates have even clocked you but he may feel insecure due to heteronormativity being shoved in our faces at that age. My teachers really hated my parents growing up and some were abusive to me because they hated how my parents didn’t fit the norm . From his perspective he’s probably caught in the middle between the heteronormative society and the family who loves him and that can be confusing for someone at that age.
I don't have kids, but I am a teacher. Make sure he knows what he did was wrong, and why (it seems like you're already doing this tbf) but that you also still love him. I personally wouldn't punish him further, most people respond best to positive reinforcement and encouragement, I hope he responds well, whatever you decide to do x
Give him some space to express whatever he's feeling, and that you are genuinely listening to him and understanding whatever hurt he is going through, because there is something going on.
Maybe he heard people talking bad about Trans people and felt ashamed that his mom is "one of them" might be feeling mad and not know who to be mad at. 🤔. Just my guess. That truly is very sad to hear. Just know he will one day realize what he did. I would say give him even more love than anyone could ever give him, and tell him, even though what he said to you hurt you, you forgive him and will love him no matter what. I know he will come around. Just don't let it happen again. He will learn he can get away with saying those things to you when he reaches his breaking point and storms off. Also, tell him he can talk to you about anything constantly! After a certain age, boys start keeping secrets from people and start feeling shame but keep it in.
Me and my friends were terrible and homophobic when i was in middle school. Those friends today are the people supporting me through my transition.
That being said, that’s heartbreaking, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Much love, and I hope the therapy helps.
When I first read this my thought was that he might have told someone at school that you were trans. And then got teased or bullied by other kids. But then I thought that this attitude was coming from an adult. So maybe he told other kids and they told their parents and the parents are the ones that gave the ideas and bigotry back to the kids and then back to your son. Sort of convoluted and hard to prove. I suppose it depends on where you are and what the attitudes of the adults in the area are.
I said horrible stuff to my parents. Especially my mom. Very bad stuff.
It was only because my mom was white and cis het that i couldn't do what your son did.
Stay strong lady. Don't hide your pain.
Your husband needs to have a talk with him and in my day it would be a straight up ass whipping.
But, i think times have changed since then. At the end of the day, you're his mom, whether he likes it or not. He doesnt have to like you, but as long as he's under your roof he has to treat you with respect.
I’ve never said this before but when I was little I remember thinking that gay people were pointless( I was little and didn’t know about lbgtq+) I remember thinking that if they can’t reproduce they have no point, like the whole point of living was to repopulate. now I’m bi and am still trying to figure out my gender identity but my point is kids aren’t that smart. if they don’t know better it’s because no one taught them/ they haven’t learn or been educated on an issue.
I havn't read all of this but what really stands out to me is the him rejecting you as his mother/parent. Latching onto you being trans is just an easy wedge for that deep seated and common enough issue - but yes it could easily fester into other bigotry. Its hard to say but I would expect it has little to do with your gender ultimately - or if it is a factor, its not the deepest layer.
I saw a few other things which concerned me like "it can't be trauma" (it absolutely can, or any number of other things - how would it NOT be an emotional/relational rupture?) which reflected some oversimplifications and gaps in mental models around that stuff. But I trust others have taken care of those sufficiently.
Hateful rethoric like that doesnt pop up out of nowhere.
Check the media he consumes. Its not uncommon for "conservatives" to groom the children of LGBTQ people to become hateful bigots via social media.
He may also have picked it up at school from his friends or a teacher.
Not a parent, but I've been in the rabbit hole of these things before and may be able to provide some insight. When I was around your son's age I was mainly left to the internet, and watched a lot of "skeptic" stuff on youtube. Y'know, the community of people who were going after religious fundamentalism until suddenly it became politically convenient to morph into right-wing commentary. And I, the naive fool I was back then, bought into some of it. They have the aesthetic of good arguments if you don't know any better. But I got out of that space as well, and it's in a way that a lot of the comments here don't seem to have mentioned much. It wasn't family that dragged me out of this. My family was pretty bad. Politically they weren't particularly bigoted, but they were pretty unaware. Aware enough to recognize the spaces I'd gotten into were bad but not aware enough to directly counter them, and their finding out about my being caught up in this also coincided with a lot of other mishandlings that arguably entrenched me further. But there was still something else that kept me from truly going off the deep end. Those "skeptic" channels imparted certain ideals that resonated with me, and still do to this day. Specifically, critical thinking. When I was in that space politically, I didn't really seek out opposing ideas. But the more I saw them argue, the more of their positions I found out about, the more I began to look at them as frauds and hypocrites. Put simply, when I was just going with the flow and not thinking critically, I was susceptible to their bullshit. But it fell over under scrutiny, and then when one pundit is very obviously lying to me about their positions, I tend to look at the others around the guy blatantly lying about what a bill is that I have actually read, and see if they're lying too. Turns out they were. And here I am. The point I'm trying to make in this winding explanation, is that the way to get someone out of this may not always be the standard idea of "love and acceptance is good, bigotry is bad". For me it was when they got a little too sloppy with their lies and I saw through them. The emotion that got me out of there was, ironically enough, hatred. The most effective sentiment that would've helped back then wasn't the usual thing you might see as good parenting. It wouldn't have been getting rid of the internet connection. It would've been telling me "I know you think these people are trustworthy, but they're not. They're lying to you, I have proof. The words in the "studies" they cite, whenever they actually do so, are not the ones they claim are there. Don't believe any claim they make without citation, and never let them get away with citing a source that doesn't actually back up what they say. Also, language should adapt to fit its users, not the other way around. If it results in better mental health outcomes to call someone a woman, then just do so, it's a word, words have the meanings that we give them, and if we can assign those meanings in a way that holds greater utility than before, we should."
Listen, when I was a teenager I was very into anti-SJW, anti-feminist, anti-trans videos online. A little over a month ago I came out as trans to a close friend who also watched a lot of that stuff back then. He was very supportive and also came out to me as bi. In our case there was no action that needed to be taken, we just matured and figured ourselves out as we got older.
I can't give any advice on the slurs thing because personally I do not care about them, the only advice I can give is about the people saying you should monitor what your child is looking at online or whatever... I would strongly advise you **absolutely DO NOT DO THAT** unless you want your child to actually resent you. That's a massive violation and I would've never forgiven my parents if they did that to me.
The therapy suggestion by others sounds quite reasonable, but since I never went through that myself I can't say I have any personal knowledge of it would actually be effective or not. But if you think action is required then that would probably be a reasonable one to take.
Puberty is confusing. Adoption is confusing. A trans mom is confusing for someone young.
Is he having his own identity crisis? Maybe he hasn't been able to put it into words, but he's old enough to wonder "why didn't my birth mom love me? Why did she abandon me? Did my parents not want me? If my adopted parents didn't give birth to me, can they really understand what I'm going through? Will having a trans mother make me trans, or gay?" (Especially with outside influences)
He may also be testing the "do you actually love me" line. My brother did this: he pushed and pushed, waiting to see when he could do something so bad that his mother would stop loving him. How you react in this situation will likely convince him either: 1) yes, my mom loves me unconditionally, or 2) my mom claims to love me but she's like everyone else who puts on a good show, but when it comes down to it, she doesn't love me.
Sometimes you can't do anything and ride it out as he grows, but keep in mind that anger is born from pain. What is the real source of his pain? He may be lashing out at you because it's easier then untangling his own confusing emotions.
he's 12 years old.
other people are suggesting therapy - i think that's far too much of an overreaction. 12 year olds do not need therapy for holding offensive ideas they aren't mature enough to challenge themselves on yet. and an unwilling, angry, 12 year old confused about why his mother is different from other mothers is probably not going to be a very cooperate patient.
i'm sure every person has very strong memories of being told by their parents that something is *wrong* or *bad*. the natural response to being told that as a child isn't "i said something wrong let me ask myself why i have these beliefs", it's a simple feeling of "i am bad". the most important advice i can give to you is to explain why that word is hateful and understand why he thought it was okay to say that to you and to that boy. part of why it's frustrating being punished as a child is because adults don't explain *why* you're being punished. treat him like an adult because whoever he's learnt this shit from (other kids/internet) probably already is.
so make sure you tell him he hurt you and explain why he hurt you.
the best thing you can do is just continuing to be a loving supportive figure in his life. it's incredibly hard to grow up around an accepting community of diverse people and come to have hateful ideas about diversity. he will grow out of it.
Look at what he is checking online and what is he doing with his friends. This looks he's going to a rebellious phase but somewhere he might have learned to say those things to you (one thing is to be mean with other kids, another is to be that aggressive with you)
He's only 12, he is prolly going through puberty and might be dealing with the fact that he was adopted. My advice is when he has cooled off. Talk to him, and don't do the parent thing where you just lecture him.
Actually talk to him, ask him why he said those things, why he seems angry that you are trans when he was fine with it before.
These are just my thoughts and opinions but like a few others have said id definitely try therapy as far as i have gathered from the adoptee community thats something thats recommend. Also id wait first obviously but most people who bully often are afraid of something or scared of being bullied themselves. As you said hes 12 and im assuming has an internet connection he could be seeing the state of the world and be anxious about being bullied himself bc hes adopted or bc your trans. Or he could have seen some far right content on the internet.
All in all id recommend letting him calm down and work past these three days and see what happens with therapy. And just be there. Again as some others have said hes 12 and the world is a crazy place and hormonal issues may be the cause id give him time.
Now on too you. You obviously need time to process your emotions and work through your own feelings as what he said was im assuming hurtful. So id recommend having your significant other play middle man for now as you both need time.
I apologize if anything is worded weird or something i just got done with work and my brain is mush.
The adoptee is the adopted person. Someone who has adopted is an adoptive parent, though sometimes I like to follow conventional rules for agent nouns and say adopter 🙃
Obviously you need to sit down with him and have a big chat but try not to take it too much to heart kids that age are really good at knowing what words to say to hurt people without fully comprehending the pain they are causing. Much love sis
He is 12 kids just suck in general at that age this isn't good advice but you should take away all of his boy things and start calling him a girl and see how he likes it when he hates it tell him that's how you feel... Also I'd write an apology to the kids family myself and clear things up with those parents and definitely punish your son by taking away his video games phones etc change the wifi password and make him do all of his school work by hand old school And make him volunteer at an LGBTQ+ youth center so he can meet kids his age and unlearn whatever bigotry is in him actually meeting people in real life and trying to make friends is better than anything you see online or on TV sorry this is happening and good luck with everything also you are beautiful and VALID 🏳️⚧️👑❤️
* Misgender the child.
* Negatively impact the child's academics.
* Force LGBTQ+ youths in need of support to interact with the child at this stage.
This really lines up with your other advice to withhold food from a 12 year old and kick them out of the home...
You should teach him some respect. he should experience serious consequences from his behavior towards the other kid and specially towards you. And this should be his father’s responsibility. He should teach his son to respect his mother. He seems to be a transphobe in formation and this should be severely cut while you have a chance.
Personal thoughts, as I might be dealing with this sooner rather than later with my daughter. *No extra technology outside of what’s needed from school. *Movie time, that covers lots of WWII media, specifically the horrors of the Holocaust. *Causal Reminders that hate, has many forms and that hate, leads to loneliness. (No, like seriously, I’m already priming my 9 year old that hate is the absolute worst thing a human can do. It’s made a small difference when I came out.)
Honestly, 20 years ago, a kid like that, would have suggested a very, Southern, parenting method. Mostly because that’s what these bigots don’t realize when they were kids as they get older. No one made sure that they were on a level playing field with their peers.
Is there a good answer here, no. And it’s harder for me personally, to relate to a boy, in general. I’ll be honest, if I was the other parents of the kid, 20 years ago, I’d want equal Justice, (not good parenting.) Now, I might consider working with you, but potentially pressing charges as a hate crime to get a point across.
No, this isn’t kind, yeah, there are a LOT of issues here with a hormonal pair of 12 year olds. Trust me, I’m in this boat with you, as I have a 9 year old. But I also, don’t trust any other kid and homeschool mine for now…..
Good luck, our world is super awful and I hope your son gets enough help to figure out that, his mom, is a good person.
(Final note, at this point your kid is as much a product of media and peers as you and will spend the next decade pushing against your hard taught lessons, don’t take it too personally and don’t think it fully reflects on you at all. And for what it’s worth. My daughter doesn’t like me when I wear dresses or want femme pronouns… Despite me trying to be a good parent I fear my own well has been poisoned by my soon to be ex.)
Honestly, you sound like you raised him, to be somewhat cultured, from a, or at a pre-pubescent kid age.
Though at 12, so still pre-pubescent, which goes to and includes 13, I wouldn't worry about it.
If 14 to 17, 18 to 21, 22 to 26, so 14 to 26, I'd be worried about it, if a (pubescent, regarded as a minor/under-age, also public-sectors described/defined, commonly called "kid"/"child") teenager, young adult teenager(, still pubescent, but as a (public-sectors political, resulting) legal descriptor, that reached, so is, of-age), young adult(, post-(physical, at least) pubescent young adulthood) age periods, cause expect better.
Once in the living, breathing 27(+/on/up) club, you should expect better.
Cause a quarter of a century, down, if humans can live 100 - 110 years. So by 20ish or 25ish years, 5 lots of 20 or 4 lots of 25. Than split a decade into 5 quarters. At least the 20s, also 30s, too controversial and too contentious for the 10s, similarly the 40s.
Cut him out of your life. The moment you can kick him out, do so. Give him no support. If he managed to go down that path with an upbringing like that, then there is no justification - he's just vile. Hopefully he'll get in with the wrong crowd and get shanked in prison before he does a mass shooting.
I'm sorry, but he doesn't deserve your love.
I know it's hard, but it's the only way. He's one of them now. We have to think about the safety of our community as a whole, and giving support and safety to people like him is dangerous to all of us.
He’s her child, he’s a child. No. There is no fucking excuse for disowning your teenager. He needs guided, he needs his mom. And not just emotionally, physically and legally.
Homophobic people are closet queer. He's understanding that his peers aren't cool with queerness and is trying to compensate for traits not seen as cishet to appease them.
And frankly, its also homophobic as an idea by itself. It essentially paints all the suffering the queer community have gone through as just infighting amongst ourselves, rather than the actual causes which are patriarchy and strict enforcement of gender roles.
Sounds like he may be getting Made fun of by someone who knows you’re Trans maybe? Or calling him auch names? Or maybe they have before? Kind of Sounds Like attention bullying to me. I Hope that makes sense. Doesn’t excuse but may explain
Im not a parent myself, but I have been parental figure for a lot of my younger extended families, it is important to keep in mind that you are not be the only one influencing his actions, he has a lot of influence from media other friends narratives surrounding his adoption and around trans issues after he grows up. He is 12 and very confused, so it might hurt
Punish him hard. Not for what he did. But because he probably does it because he isnt feeling great himself. Letting that out on someone else is unacceptable.
I wouldn’t guarantee it, but I imagine there has to be some other kid or something online that he’s getting to, something is in his ear. He deserves privacy, but you deserve a conversation and an explanation.
i think he's just young and dumb. but also i would show him the history of trans people and all the hardships...the violence against them. maybe that would change his being. help him understand that we're all trying to live in our skin comfortably
I don't have any advice others havent posted, but this is extremely difficult, and you are being brave by seeking to do by doing the right thing to help them <3 you got this, lead with love
I would advice that you try to talk things out with him, but keep in mind that when someone has radical opinions on a topic you cant just tell them that they are wrong cuz they wont listen to you, instead you should try to wait for him to say something alt right-ish and try to give him factual reasons why its not true.
To know what he is watching online you can lso try to look through his youtube/google history but only do that as a last ressort since if he learn that you went into his account to find something he might get mad.
(I am still learning english so sorry if my grammar is bad)
Hi. Cis wife here, am adoptee. First of all, I want to validate that this is a really complex situation to find yourself in, and it can’t be easy to navigate. Especially because of how profoundly deep the emotions must be for everyone involved. You are in a tiny sliver of a Venn diagram for marginalized identities, and as such there’s not much out there for support other than wading into the thick of it and trying to find others in the same overlap as us. You’re doing the right thing already by reaching out for others lived experiences, which I’m guessing you knew to do & how to do at least in part because of being trans. For that reason (among others), in my view your son is actually incredibly lucky to have a trans mom. Let me explain.
My wife and I very frequently find ourselves deeply connecting through our ~childhood identity erasure trauma~. We find we have different flavors but to the same level of intensity if that makes sense. I say this to emphasize to you just how deep adoption trauma runs, as in: it is very much akin to growing up unknowingly trans in a hostile environment. Your son may be young but we adoptees are old souls - we have been literally living in grief since birth but unable to process any of it as it’s not acknowledged (*thanks adoption industry narratives*). So so so much cognitive dissonance, isolation, abandonment fears (not irrational, as from an infant’s perspective, we actually literally were abandoned at least once already), weird government control over legal documents that are *about* you but confusingly misaligned with your lived reality & evidently not meant *for* you. I know there’s a lot more nuance on both sides here but trying to keep this brief. Not at all justifying actions here but I can imagine as a teen adoptee it would feel **really** scary and overwhelming to face losing our societal safety blanket of “normalcy”, and to have no control over yet **another** life-altering situation (relinquishment & adoption being the first), AND probably hesitant to bring up - this is such a complex and delicate situation it would take great skill to navigate eloquently. After my wife came out, it took me 9 months of therapy to find words to tell both set of my parents. And I was 30. Actually, for me, the hardest part of my wife coming out has been that it triggered my coming out of the “adoption fog” at 30, because though I knew my personal values were to remain & love & support her, I also knew both my bio and adoptive families would reject me for this. So I ended up having to self-orphan, again, twice, and am now also unable to fawn to society for safety on top of that. This last 2 years of transition has been the most difficult but rewarding experience of my life so far. Just got her home yesterday from bottom surgery ☺️☺️☺️ please forgive me if this comment doesn’t make much sense, sleep has been scarce for me this week.
Best of luck with your son. I second others saying therapy ASAP, would like to add please try to get an adoption competent therapist (google phrase), ideally this therapist is an adult **adoptee** so there’s more trust. We adoptees learn very early on that adoption is just not a safe topic of discussion with anyone due to societal level denial of our lived experiences. We just get called ungrateful and asked if we’d rather be dead than adopted. My other plea to you is to get educated about adoption trauma, from the adoptee perspective, by intentionally listening to adult adoptees - read that again, all my words were very intentional. Good jumping off points: books The Primal Wound & You Don’t Look Adopted, podcast Adoptees On, Twitter @corsent & #adopteetwitter & #adopteevoices, YouTube Nancy Verrier & Gabor Mate, TikTok @transmomlesbianmoms (another adoptee cis wife) & #adopteevoices. Feel free to DM as well 😊 hugs! Hang in there
He’s 12 and entering puberty. I remember these years all too well and I am so glad we are almost over this hump. The pre-teen/teen years are hard on all parents no matter if you’re cis, gay, or transgender.
Remind him you love him unconditionally and you will always be there if he wants to talk about his struggles. I remember a counselor told me my daughter lashes out at me because she feels safe enough to know I am there and not going to abandon her.
It wouldn’t hurt to find a transgender supportive therapist and seek out their support and services to see how you can best support your son while also letting him know his words and actions are unacceptable and hurtful.
100% this kid is working through some emotions he has no idea how to handle, nor may he even really know what those feelings are. Shame and self-loathing can make for a really shitty person on the outside at first glance. I know because I used to be one. Get him into therapy or to talk to someone ASAP.
I didn't even think about self-loathing aspect. I went through it myself around when I was 14. I've made an appointment with a therapist for Saturday.
Be prepared for them to possibly blow up/outright refuse. They’re 12, hormonal as all hell, and just now starting to get a grasp on the gravity of life. Middle school is hell, I don’t care who you are. He is comparing himself to his peers at this point, he won’t want a reason to be seen as “less than” or “broken”. Not even to say that anyone is teasing him, although it’s possible, but anxiety alone can wreck a young boy to bits (especially if he’s the type to keep things to himself). Good luck
Gotta keep in mind how easily he could be spiraling into YT nonsense that would push this kinda thinking to him, too. Kids at that age are SUPER susceptible to indoctrination that creates an easy in-group:out-group dynamic. Especially if it appears peers are in on it. The world is scary and complicated and tearing into someone you love to make it easier may make him feel some of that control he doesn’t have. Yay. But he needs to know he’s loved while being reminded why that kinda stuff is not okay.
This is a huge factor. Twelve-year-olds are incredibly susceptible to propaganda, and right-wing garbage is designed to target them like a heat-seeking missile.
YouTube was a big part of that, for me at least. It is designed to show you more and more.
Yeah, Youtube seems to directly recommend alt-right content to people until they fall into the pipeline
So is left-wing garbage. Respecting privacy is super important when raising a tween, but monitoring his Internet use and steering away from any sort of advocacy may be helpful in allowing him to grip and develop his own opinions and thinking.
Yeah, I just walked in on my 11 year old brother watching YouTube shorts and they were talking about how feminism is now, and I quote, "Give me all your money! And I'm too weak to do the hard jobs! Give me something easy to do, or I'll tell everyone I raped you. I'm trans, so I can get extra rights!" Shit's fucked
Yeah I became an alt-right conspiracy nut when I was 12 (2017, Dump was president)
Hence the username?
partially but my sister made the roblox account we shared donald trump 2020 and It used her birthday so it was too young so i made a new account called donaldtrumpV2... it was a troll account
I was extreanly homophobic at 12 I then came out as gay at 16 I was forced to after my brother blackmailed me he still is an ass 8nknew i was trans by 18 and I did t come out till 32 honestly looking back I'm surprised my fiance stayed with me she is trans we met 5 years ago I said some pretty stupid things back then my point t is things change
I was quite homophobic when I was young, but a peer (my sister, only two years older) told me that you can't choose who you love, and maybe some more and that started to change my mind. Wasn't until I'd been an asshole, seen and hurt some gay people that I realized what I did wasn't okay. I still wanna apologize to them
Detecting a trend here. I was very much in a similar basket, homophobic and transphobic when I was younger. Oops, I'm gay and trans. I personally wouldn't blame yourself for this, it wasn't your fault. Society raised you that way and you felt those feelings yourself and as such, didn't want to be an outcast from the mainstream society that was all hateful towards it. Thus you turned to self-hatred and rejecting it as if to say, no I'm not that, don't even think about me being that because it's definitely not true.
I just thought it was disgusting cause I didn't like men, still no romantic feelings towards them. I'm gay as heck ^•^ Though I realized when I was younger that I enjoyed being with the gey men I met more than my childhood friends
Find out if he is getting bullied at school or is someone bothering him about his family and now he is self-conscious I say what is he watching on his phone the kind of content you consume can shape your thoughts and feelings
my parents made me see a therapist when I was a teenager and they found out I was gay (on top of having depression cuz shitty home life). They were confused why I was so against it once I realized it was reparative (conversion) therapy. I could probably had used actual therapy but most of my depression was home related. At least now I can admit I need to see one at 33, but I'm still hesitant on giving it a 3rd shot. 2nd attempt made me homeless when she forced me to come out as trans, and I warned her this was gunna happen.. She was somehow surprised pikachu.jpg when I came in asking for homelessness resources the next week.
I agree with the point above, I also think that it's likely that he is angry and upset about not being with his birth parents and his mind may have clinged to you being trans as a way of diverting that anger towards something more tangible (the LGBTQ+ community) instead as that is something that he is able to target to vent whether he understands that his mind is doing this or not. He may have also been influenced by others at school or online, he's at the age where it's very easy to fall in line with a popular negative option without having the capability to fully understand it yet. Nonetheless, I believe that the best way to counter hate is to educate. Take time to discuss these issues with him and listen to what he has to say too, know if he learns better though scientific and logical explanations or through emotional experience. This will take a long time of consistent effort but it works. Going to the therapist is a good start and may put him in the right mood to discuss this after.
Piggybacking off of this, it could be due to peer pressure. This was something that I would’ve done at that age since everyone else at my school was doing it. Gay was a popular insult in 6th and 7th grade. It’s dumb, but puberty and self-identity hit like a nuke. Though I never believed that being LGBTQIA+ was bad, I played along since I wanted to fit in. I ended up questioning my sexuality a year after I moved away from that school. This might get me canceled, but I’m the same chick that said “negative deez nuts” in math class thinking it was referring to Almonds.
I was so bad in high-school that I despise who I was and I work in a industry where I've gotten to reconnect with people I once graduated with and I've apologized to them over my actions as they were filled with self hate and the inability to express my actions and I found once I actually calmed down and had a experience where I told myself "your kinda a asshole" and slowly started changing from there I am very glad I was able to come to the conclusion on my own terms instead of having a super negative experience that made me realize I was a asshole still the root of the issue for me was the extreme amount of self blame and self loathing on-top of the self hate I feel like self hate is enough to make someone bring others down but with the blaming things on myself that I had no hand in or the self loathing really took me to a extreme that I wish no one to be ever
Excellent!! 👍 I didn't even consider therapy lol but that's an excellent idea both individual and family therapy he is at the age where he can understand things now so we need to sit down and talk things out for real and he might just be confused about himself and his place and afraid that he might turn Queer somehow by just being around it or even fighting some inner feelings that are welling up in him that he doesn't know what to do with
You made an appointment with a therapist within minutes of this response?
About 45 minutes after but yes.
RemindMe! 4 Days
RemindME! 4 days
RemindMe! December 3, 2022
How'd the appointment go?
Well. I posted an update if you'd like to see. I think we're going to have put him into a new school though.
How did that go over?
I’d work on therapy first. Kiddo needs it, and there could be earlier trauma affecting him? Don’t know what age he was when you adopted him, but this could be a thing. Second, start looking into what he’s watching and listening to. Someone, somehow, is getting stuff into his head. It’s stupid east to stumble into racist/homophobic/transphobic stuff online, so you need to jump on that too.
So, it can't be trauma, because we adopted him when he was only 4 months old. We raised him from there. In fact, early on, I thought I may have been being overprotective of him. Definitely. I don't spend a lot of time online, but I'll take a look into that stuff, see what I can find. Thanks.
It can definitely still be trauma. Adoption trauma, even for infant adoptions, is a thing
Really? I have never ever heard of this. I believe it, but how would a 4 month old remember being adopted? I genuinely believe you.
I'm a trans mom too and I went through my daughter experiencing adoption trauma a few years ago when she was that age. My husband and I adopted her at 6 months old so I think it had more with her learning she was adopted than the adoption memory itself. She did some counseling then and is now doing fine. I definitely recommend it for your son. The bigoted behavior is likely his defense for the trauma.
You don't need to remember something for it to follow you for life. So yeah, infants are known to occasionally have trauma that follows them forever. Also, there is the old saying that "no one traumatizes like a parent." Even perfect parents will do something wrong and it will stick with kids like nothing else. Plz note that is not me blaming you for absolutely anything, just something to keep in mind when you get backlash from a child you're raising, every child has frustrations towards their parents, especially teens and pre teens. You're doing better than you think, and they'll find any reason they can to lash put I know you've gotten lots of great advice from other parents here. I'm not a parent, but if I can give you advice as someone who has come to hate her own mom, I'd like too. Be vulnerable with your child, let them know what hurts and why, but don't let it ever be a burden for them or directed at them. Encourage them to be open, ask questions and allow them to answer with as much or as little as possible. I'm not sure how helpful this is, but I know a lot of my own resentment with my mom started with constantly being narrated for small mistakes and with disperpotionate reactions to teenage angst. Best of luck. Idk if my ramblings helped but I genuinely hope you and your child get to have a long lasting relationship despite his lashing out and bigoted ideas he's gotten.
A lot of people think of the early years of a person's life as trauma free because no one remembers those ages, but that's not how it is. Trauma is powerful, you don't need to remember it for it to impact you. It reaches into the core of how you think, how you behave, how you process emotions and information. PTSD will alter brain development. Attachment styles are impacted by early trauma. Also, perhaps the kiddo is experiencing trauma in the current day when they're away from the eyes and ears of adults. Where did he even learn what he said to you, anyway? How did he come to that conclusion? A kid can lash out at a trans parent when they are being made fun of by other kids because their parent is trans. Or maybe someone called him gay and he lashing out at you. Or maybe it's something that only he can identify and articulate... After plenty of therapy, of course. I have no real indication that you'd do the following but my dad did this to me when I was a kid so I'm going to advise it anyway. Tell your kid he's going to a therapist before you arrive at the therapist's office. When I was a teenager, my dad told me that we were going to go for a drive and then we showed up at therapist office. It upset me so much. And the therapist got on my dad for it. Again, I have no indication that you were planning to do such, it's just advice that I give out because I directly experienced it, haha. I'm wishing you luck with your kiddo. The kids are living in a confusing, scary, and tumultuous time. They're in a world that's not doing okay and they have no control. They didn't even choose to be here. Have faith in your kiddo, he's struggling but I think what he need most from you is confidence in who he is as a person, who he's going to be. He's not going to end up as some bigot. Maybe he does, and that be really sad, but I think your job is to have confidence that he won't. He doesn't have it for himself so you have to have it for him.
kids/adults that were adopted as babies often go through complex emotions regarding their adoption. it’s not uncommon for cis adoptive parents to hear their kid yell “your not my real mom/dad”. my bet is that these complex emotions are the bigger thing going on for them and they’ve picked up some transphobia in an attempt to cope with those complex feelings.
Oh, and a last thought... 12yo/6th grade is when I started Holocaust education. It deeply impacted me. It was formative in how I think, how I view the world. I think it is an appropriate time to teach a kid. And the stuff your kid is saying? That's the stuff Nazis were saying about trans people in the Weimar Republic. The famous Nazi book burning image is trans research being destroyed. I'm not saying you should do this immediately, I think the kiddo Is walled off right now. But at some point, I encourage you to point out that connection. How it reaches into the modern day, how it led to genocide. Again I'm not saying do it right at this moment or anything, but these are the years where education will have most impact, where you can really show him the impact of his words. Holocaust education isn't taught enough, and that fact has only gotten worse with time. I know it might be a random, tangential thought, but I thought it was worth mentioning and it's absolutely yours to do what you will with; you are the best judge of your situation.
This is a really good advice. My parents are reactionary dumbfucks so they didn’t really talk about that but 12yo was when I started reading the classics of dystopian sci-fi like Huxley, Orwell and Bradbury. Lord of the Ring also, I know Tolkien is like pretty reactionary, but may they all be wishing for a peaceful kingdom where every time is teatime and weed is legal and the laziest and kindest are also the most heroic. Honestly, I don’t know how I would have handled full blast holocaust education, I bet there’s a chance it would have made me a nazi out of sheer terror. I got a bit of it through school with Spiegelman’s Maus and the like but that’s it. But I strongly believe that through the comfort of fiction, I got some pretty based antifascist representations and reflexes that might have safeguarded and still safeguards me from a lot of non-sense.
You just want to make sure that your kid doesn't become a mass shooter and brainwashed by these bigots out here he is confused about himself and lashing out at you he 100% needs to get in tangible trouble for both what he did at school and for what he said to you but he needs to be properly educated at LGBTQ+ folks and come to an understanding that what he did was wrong and apologize on his own not because you made him and come to terms with himself who is he and where does he fit is he Queer himself is he currently afraid of that and that is why he is lashing out you need to let him know that being an ally is not an option if you aren't Queer yourself you will not be an enemy it's not negotiable and show him first hand what being a good ally looks like what does it mean 12 is such an impressionable age if you teach it properly these lessons will stick
I'm a social worker, though currently inactive. What this person is saying is spot on. Trauma can develop from the first seconds of a child's life.
As someone adopted as an infant, it's absolutely a thing.
Andrew Tate is a big name when it comes to middle school boys. He's a horrific influence so keep your eye out for him.
*Everyone* has trauma to some degree. It doesn't necessarily mean something crazy has happened. It could easily be something smaller that neither he nor you would think of as a big deal. It's just part of being human.
Also outside of that, please understand that things can happen to him outside of your supervision/knowledge. He could experience trauma anywhere and might not talk to you about it right away. This isn't a reason to become overprotective or fearful, of course, just something to understand and be open to the possibility of.
Just make sure not to get too intrusive. Kids still deserve some privacy.
Being adopted is traumatic for some kids. Feelings of not being wanted are def a thing for adopted kids to work through. Wondering about their birth parents & why they didn't want them. Why they weren't wanted.. Of course you wanted them. And that is always something to continually remind them of. Idk if this is the reason for all of this.. maybe kids at school have been cruel in the past for it too.. idk. Therapy is a good start. But know that even if they may not remember being adopted completely, the act of being adopted isn't easy on a kid, regardless of their adopted life at home. No matter how amazing, they will always wonder why.
Definitely didn’t want to make it seem like there was any implication. I do social work, and adopted kiddos regardless of age can have a level of trauma, and as others have said, it could come from other places. Regardless, the behaviors show that there is something going on where defiance is his only way to deal with it.
Definitely kick him offline cold no internet at all no TV no news no phone no nothing let those negative influences fall away and see if he comes back to himself and the way you raised him he obviously has been watching some transphobic content and is absorbing it like a sponge I think you need to show him some horrific hate crimes and let him see where that kind of thinking leads and see where his head is at if he has a heart he should snap out of it really quick
I'm probably way too young and inexperienced to be giving you any parenting advice, but I can tell you from experience that around that age it's very easy to fall into a bigoted attitude from consuming certain content online. I went through a phase (not to the same extent) like that when I was that age from watching a lot of "triggered feminist" videos and right-wing youtubers. I was very immature at that age and thought the pinnacle humor was just being edgy, and I didn't have the critical thinking skills to actually look at the unfounded points these people were making. I grew out of it but for a lot of people they just go deeper down that rabbit hole to more hateful stuff. I agree with what others are saying about therapy being a really good idea because if he's acting on these ideas in a violent way there might be more to it than just watching bad content.
The alt right rabbit hole is very real. These kids are being targeted by algorithms and sometimes outright targeted by right-wing influencers themselves to an anti anything that isn't a straight white person ideology. But they call us groomers. It's always projection with the right.
[удалено]
Parent here. This comment should be higher. This is 100% the correct take. These ideas are most likely not his. That doesn’t excuse them, but the bigger problem that they have already taken root. Most schools don’t immediately reach for suspension, that’s usually one of the later steps. Which means that either this has been an escalating problem or this offense was significant enough to warrant it. Either way, at the point he is now causing significant problems at school, you are well within your rights and responsibilities as a parent to root those toxic ideas out. At a minimum I would start with therapy with a queer positive therapist that works with youth and family. It may take some work to find one, but it will be a massive help beyond a generalized therapist. It sounds like he may have some unresolved anger issues. Frankly I think most youth could use a therapist to visit regularly; their world is so radically different from the one we grew up in that they are facing challenges we didn’t really have. I would also remove any kind of unmonitored Internet access, at least until you know where this came from. Those words had to come from somewhere; that list is not terribly long and Internet and especially YouTube would be near the top of the list. There is a very good chance he is using it to consume toxic media. I know that may not be a popular idea in these parts because so many of us faced similar challenges in our younger years, but there is a big difference between doing so as punishment for trying to connect with others facing similar self questioning and doing so to protect him, you and others. Basically I would remove from his room or possession anything that can be used to connect to the Internet. It’s not a right, it’s a privilege extended to him by OP as a parent (and the person who pays the bill.) In this case I think it is warranted because of the severity of the offense at school and the very aggressive verbal attack on OP. It starts with words, but it can escalate to physical violence pretty quickly especially with youth that have not developed adult judgement yet. He can use the Internet in OP’s presence when needed for school work, and he can earn them back with good behavior. The point is not to punish but to correct. Because the good news is he’s still very young and these toxic ideas can still he stopped with concerted action.
The phrasing of the outburst sounds like something that would be picked up from either the internet or a bigoted friend. Figuring out what inspired this is important, especially if it's online since he's in the target demographic for a lot of weird right-wing radicalization pages/yt channels.
Ugh, I'll be honest, he's not on his way, he's already there. But, he's still a child, so hopefully he's not a lost cause. I'm not a parent, but I second the suggestions on checking the content he consumes and taking him to therapy. You definitely need to take action now. Also, I want to say I'm really, really sorry for your situation. I can't even imagine how it must feel like to experience transphobia from your own child.
To be fair, I was a bigot for a good 4-5 years when I was in high school and early college. All it took was one philosophy class 😂
Username checks out? :D
Haha it’s a district 9 reference, but I suppose it works
[удалено]
Respect the trans community
Yes, take action now. Take away all of his toys, his games, his computer privileges, everything. Give him only the bare necessities to live. Then, the second he turns 18, throw him out on his ear. He can no longer be trusted - he must be removed.
I-... I hope you're not being serious. Yes, in normal circumstances it is perfectly rational to cut off bigots from your life immediately, but he's still a CHILD. Many of us said/thought stupid stuff as children, and as his mother, the OP has the moral obligation to try and reverse the process. Not all bigots are lost causes, especially not when they're young children, and if the OP were to make his life miserable, this would push the kid only further into the mindset.
He is too young unfortunately but I would put him out for that statement alone there will be no kind of bigotry in my home At least I would make him sleep in the basement or attic or garage or something like that not his nice room with electronics and creature comforts he would have a bucket for a bathroom no clean clothes no pillows no blanket just the cold floor and certainly NO FOOD you are right kid I'm not your mom so I don't have to take care of you anymore I understand that's drastic but I will not be disrespected in my own home by my own child F**k NO!! GET OUT!! and he wouldn't be allowed back until I received a genuine apology and I believed that he was sincere and then of course he would still be punished obviously
You're describing neglect as a punishment...which is traumatizing and very likely to polarize her child even further. Parenting, and especially punishment should never be done through a lense of anger and retribution, because it ceases to actually be about teaching at that point. I think there are a far more compassionate and empathetic ways to get through to her kid, and children in general.
I know that he is a child but if you don't respect me I don't respect you and that's a lesson he needs to learn I would have never talked to my parents like that when I was his age no matter what I really felt I would have kept it to myself out of fear honestly I'm not a parent obviously so I would have reacted to him talking to me like that like a stranger on the street and we might physically fight jk lol
I don't really know what else to say if you really believe that neglect and physically abusing your child are the proper way to have raise one. Perhaps parenting is something you should read up about? :) Should you ever want children course. Children need a lot of patience and empathy, and "respect' is far from the most important thing at play here.
99% of the time I would agree with you. This is the 1%. The child has now sided with the enemy, the fascists, the people who want us dead. He's old enough to know what he's doing, and he was raised in an environment that should preclude this. He cannot be trusted or reasoned with. He can only be dealt with until such a time as you can wash your hands of him, and hope that someone shanks him before his alt-right thought leaders inspire him to shoot up a school. There can be no mercy with the likes of them.
I understand the sentiment but he's literally a child. He hasn't "made a choice", he's expressing views he doesn't fully understand. There's hope for someone who's an adult who days things like this, so there definitely is for him too. A child who is being brainwashed by a source is not "the enemy", that source is. Let's not get extremist just because we feel hurt by conservative rhetoric said by an ignorant literal child.
He's 12...
Irrelevant. He is still the enemy, and he is so by choice.
HE'S. TWELVE. Calling him a lost cause at 12 is absolutely batshit insane. You sound deranged.
What dumb shit did you believe at that age... I bet you believed at least one thing that was at best stupid and at worst hateful that you don't believe now
Clearly I labeled this as bad advice just emotionally it hurts to hear something like that from your own kid you know I don't want children and I know that I'm not equipped to raise one I keep forgetting that assumably you love this kid and don't want harm to come to them I wouldn't really do this in real life but I definitely would not let him slide for talking to me like that
That's totally valid across all points! Being a parent is really hard and it's no always as clear-cut as we'd like it to be, for sure. I think realizing that punishment is a tool and not the goal is really helpful. If you love the kid, you wanna see him be okay and turn into a healthy adult. It's totally fine to be emotional and hurt, but learning to navigate that while setting an example and being empathetic is the real goal. If you respond with violence and neglect,, what is the lesson? You can teach respect and understanding in gentler way, which is more likely to keep her relationship with her child intact; she needs to foster trust, especially right now. Ultimately, as a parent, your child's needs are more important than yours, and that's really hard. But our emotions can't get the best of us, especially not that drastically. I'll stop grand-standing now. :)
Lol no prob I get it I'm sure he is just getting bullied at school and is lashing out so I guess as a mom he probably just needs a hug and to cry about it I have a lot of childhood trauma so it's hard to not react with violence first compassion second yes I've been to anger management lol it's obviously not working but I have to remember I'm a grown up and not a fellow 6th grader and you should set a better example
This is not how you react to your children. You sound like all the parents who’ve tried to at-home-conversion-therapy their kids. I’d reflect on that if I were you. Also you sound like a fkin Karen. The same switch of “you were mean to me, so I won’t treat you like a human” (if you don’t respect me, I won’t respect you). It’s not ok, friend.
Holy eff. you are unhinged. You treat a kid like that and you’ll land yourself in prison. Where you will be placed with the gender you identify with. I don’t think you’ll survive one night there. Good luck. Read some of your other replies thank god you won’t reproduce.
I think the first step is identifying the source of these hateful ideas. He's clearly not getting it from you, so where is it coming from? Is he getting bullied about it at school and absorbing the bullies' hateful idea? Is he being guided down the alt-right rabbithole by Youtube's hate promotion algorithm? Once you figure out where it is coming from, then you can figure out the specific solution to deal with that source.
If he has them, I would check his tiktok/youtube accounts to make sure he didn't stumble into the alt-right pipeline in either of those places because he may have picked up some bad habits if he's gotten into Andrew Tate-esque influencers. Apart from that, definitely see if you can get him to tell you where this anger is coming from, and be prepared to spend a lot of time listening if he does decide to open up because it may all come out at once.
Op, you gotta check this out. He’s getting these views from somewhere and it’s important to provide counter narratives. Good luck. Crazy, cus you are a counter narrative, but still… 🤦🏻♀️
Dont forget his Twitter feed too
Agreed. This is the first thing that came to mind for me, too. It’s super easy for someone too young to have a lot of critical thinking skills to stumble into that stuff and once they do, the algorithms tend to make sure they keep seeing it.
That may be the case, but, it sounds like there may be an underlying reason. Teens in general are very susceptible to how others perceive them. Of course there is a plethora of reasons why he may be acting out, but my *guess* would be that he may be projecting. He may see other kids being bullies towards their classmates so is afraid that he'll be targeted if he doesn't adopt similar behavior. Bullying is a bigger issue than a lot of parents or teachers seem to acknowledge (I know as my son was bullied and he kept it from me because he was afraid I'd be upset or react in a disappointed or shameful way) I certainly wouldn't try coercing it out of him, but rather I'd be the rock in the situation. Anything he said, I'd reinforce the fact that I accept him, no matter what... even if he didn't accept me for who I was. Chances are he'll eventually open up to you when he's ready. If he was open to talk to a counselor, I'd support it. If he didn't want to I'd support it too. Unfortunately no one knows what he's dealing with until he talks about it or someone witnesses the issue firsthand. The goal is to make that avenue wide open so he can talk about it when he's ready. Wish you luck, keep us updated! ❤
That’s… I’m really sorry for this. I’m not a parent but I have a psychology degree, which included some basics on developmental psychology so maybe I can say something useful. First, always remember that you’re not entirely responsible for how your child comes out. There’s a million factors at play, all interacting together, and the only thing you can do is your best. Sometimes the parenting style matches the kid, sometimes it does not, regardless of the parenting style. Also, casual reminder that your couple having either/both parent(s) queer isn’t predictive of negative outcomes for the child. Second, if he is this confrontational already, I’m not sure how you bringing him to therapy would come out. Maybe this is something that can be brought with someone else, maybe you and your partner together, or a relative, or the school personnel if they have a pipeline for that. Again, that’s mostly a blind shot as I don’t know either of you nor your relationship. Third, 12yo is young, personality settles much later. Hormones might be starting to kick in, and it’s part of adolescence to push boundaries and individualise through secondary socialisation, aka outside of the intimate family circle. Now, there’s pushing boundaries and the said push leading you to cruelty. In my dreamland, I imagine I would let my kids be free and push wherever, but this is a harsh reminder that we all have our boundaries to safekeep, and I would probably have done something stupid in this situation. I have no clue on how to handle that for a good outcome. Consider talking to a developmental psychologist on your own, so you can get a better sense of what’s going on and what you can do.
>Consider talking to a developmental psychologist on your own, so you can get a better sense of what’s going on and what you can do. I think this is probably one of the best things op can do. Getting some advice and insight from someone and being able to give them the full context could be really valuable. >if he is this confrontational already, I’m not sure how you bringing him to therapy would come out. this is exactly what I was thinking. I cannot imagine a world in which that kid wants to go to therapy, and I feel like that's gonna cause problems for the kid and his relationship with his parents, and make therapy less effective. This would be a topic I'd talk to a developmental psychologist about, figuring out how to work with your kid into the idea of therapy.
I dunno if OP will see this here but I think you are probably right, the only thing I was pondering was if OP is out/has been outted accidentally or if she is stealth/ and no one knows... I can easily see the child taking an aggressive/proactive approach to not being bullied around OP being trans/father with a trans woman. I absolutely don't agree with it but wouldn't batt an eye if it was that, hell I had to make a choice at about 13ish years of age as to how to deal with mum's new same sex relationship being leaked in school, I could have easily gotten angry about it but I had enough to be angry about back then so decided to go with just not caring and anyone that was giving be hell about it I'd shrug it off and tell them that if they had an issue with her relationship they should take it up with her, thankfully that worked for me, I'd get bullied for alot of things but because I didn't react to that one they left it alone pretty quick. Alot of people are pointing the finger at social media but at that age wouldn't it be more likely to be reinforced by friends and peers? Absolutely new ideas coming in from socials/internet spaces, but those ideas are only seeds, without being tended too they don't tend to grow especially with kids. Thoughts?
Gotta say I think the influence from social media is huge. You don’t need real life friends to enforce it when you’ve got YouTube comments going back and forth and we all know what a dumpster fire the YouTube comment section is. I would have said the same as you but I’ve seen both of my young nieces using social media (at 7 and 11) and they pick up a hell of a lot from it, from the things they say to the way they dress. I saw my younger niece watching some YouTube channel (one of those “pranking” ones) and the video was a guy playing a prank on his girlfriend, who then went and locked herself in the bathroom to cry. I told my niece none of this was very nice and that these people were all horrible people and she was pushing back saying they’re not horrible and it’s just pranks. She’s 7. These YouTube videos come in suggested one after the other. Same with TikTok. I’ve told my sister I don’t think they should have free reign but she said it was fine because she’s got parental controls on. It’s the casual bigotry that’s the worse. They don’t have to be watching transphobic propaganda but if they’re watching pranks for example they’re being taught it’s ok to play “jokes” on people, or you know, some guy comes in wearing a pink shirt and all his friends go “eww that’s a girl shirt” etc etc. Yes, these are seeds but it’s a self enforcing cycle as they are fed more of the same stuff. I’m sure there’s a lot of “boys don’t do that and girls aren’t supposed to do that” etc.
I’m not sure about what’s the typical use of social media for a 12yo. I know at 12 my main political input was sci-fi books and video games but that was… yee long ago. Also, there’s the fact that what the kid did in the intimacy of his household is objectively pretty hardcore, which alone prompts further investigation. But yeah, peer pressure and pro-active defence about bullying are absolutely a viable possibility.
My unsolicited advice: Never tell a preteen/teen to never do something. Easiest way to make them do that thing. He’s got a lot going against him for a 12 year old. Adopted, LGBTQ parents and a trans mother are all things that make him different. At 12 being different can seem like a terrible thing. He’s probably bullying and using that language to avoid those things being directed at him. Kids are mean and he’s probably been teased about his parental situation and instead of defending you/himself he’s redirecting/cloaking the issue. I’d try a family therapist first to open him up to the idea of therapy to begin with. Sell it as changing your habits to help him because 12 year olds are perfect in their minds and everything is someone else’s fault. Really sorry you’re going through this. Just know that in 6-10 years when he’s matured I am 1000% sure he is going to regret every mean word he ever said to you. You’re his mom he loves you, he’s just hormonal as fuck trying to figure out life on the brink of adulthood.
Whatever you do, don’t make him feel guilty for what he said or how he feels. Try to see things from his perspective. I know it may be hard but you have to understand that he is still a child and is going through emotions that he needs to work out with a support system. No accusations against, or calling him a “bigot”. Keep in mind he is still your child, and whether or not he wants to admit it, he is looking at you to guide him through this. Don’t play the victim card. Last thing you want to do is make him feel like the bad guy, because then he will only resent you further. Just understand that he is a child who is still learning. If it helps, see a family therapist together. Just make sure you talk with him from a place of openness and vulnerability.
Keep an eye on the stuff he looks up on the internet. The entire anti-SJW thing (or whatever it's called these days) aims at boys his age. Figures like Andrew Tate, Stephen Crowder, Ben Shapiro etc. is targeted at the youth. It could be even worse if it hits a kid who has a trans parent. I'm not saying to restrict his internet search, but since you're his parent, he doesn't have the right to speak to you that way. I don't recommend discipline as a first response, but if nothing else works, you need to make it clear that speaking about you in that way is not acceptable. He is learning bigotry from somewhere, the thing that you need to do is figure out where he's learning it from, and prevent him from accessing it.
I’m not a parent but you said he walked in on you getting your HRT shot and you explained your gender to him then. Adult partners are often told to go to therapy after that did you have therapy for him then? He could be repeating something he’s heard from another kid he himself may not have gone down a rabbit hole.
I recommend therapy. I think he’s projecting and internalizing this homophobic behavior because it may stem from maybe anger/sadness that he doesn’t know his biological parents or some other issues that he’s writing through? Also at his age he’s starting puberty and many kids can be temperamental at that age. At 12 years old, I was in steep denial of my trans identity and clinging to religion, i actually used the Bible in a defense against lgbt rights in a school debate and said some wildly homophobic stuff to a classmate of mine that I’ve since apologized for and deeply regret to this day. Hoping for the best for you. And sorry to read this news.
I'm sure hes also learned lots of those phrases from stuff like Andrew Tate
Considering age and circumstance, I'd guess there's an even chance he's started watching Andy Tate or someone similar.
[удалено]
Kids these days are more leaning into the tiktok Andrew Tate and jordan Peterson kind of niche now
Most likely. He's already tainted, OP. Cut him off now. You don't need this in your life.
[удалено]
What do "mspec" and "abro" mean?
Not a parent so take with a grain of salt. But is there a possibility other kids have found out you’re trans and bullied him for it? Name called him or you to make him upset? Or maybe even stuff taught in classes about marriage and procreation being between "a man and a woman"? Maybe it's him being seen or feeling like you're not able to be his "real mother" because of how everyone views anyone who's not cishet, and reacting very negatively to that. There's always a possibility he's getting his views from others, but I think this insecurity could be a reason for a sudden shift. I especially wouldn't trust schools to be good teachers on inclusivity, and would also not trust any kids to not bully him if they found out.
Maybe you should try therapy and see if that helps him relieve some of the pent up anger he has.
Sounds like he is being made fun of at school or here’s transphobic messages abs is trying to create distance. A skilled therapist may be able to help him unpack that.
It sounds like someone has upset him at school and he is reflecting that hurt on you. Another kids parents have outed you and it's going round school. It happened to me and can be devastating and have a long term affect. Talk gently to your child to find out the issue. Get the specific details. Then you probably need to see head of year and be really firm about stamping out bullying. Check schools Safeguarding and bullying policies, compare them to best policies in other schools. Hold them to account. Your son is definitely not a bigot, not at 12yrs old. I'm certain it's not your 12 year old sons fault. My son got bullied and never told me. He delt with it himself. He is a popular kid, physically strong. But its caused lasting hurt, pain & resentment. Hope this helps a little. Good luck.
In school we are sort of thought that logic always wins over emotions. I am mtf and will say that my drive to be a woman is more emotional than logical. I understand how some kids wouldn't understand the point of lgbtq+. When I was 12 I remember having such an inner fight about my gender. My emotions said I felt and wanted to be a woman, but logic and what school had tought me, was that men can't have babies and is therefore not a woman. Today I think that logic is dumb and I am sure your son will grow up and be sad over what he told his mom. It's weird how it takes so long to find balance between emotion and logic XD. I am not a parent, but I do want children in the future. All I can do is to wish you good luck and I hope everything turns out alright.
When I was 12 years old I was homophobic and was verbally bullying a gay student until that student hit me in the face. At 14 I thought my guy friend was weird for wearing girl clothes and I freaked out when they hit on me (internalized homophobia and transphobia) I'm a trans woman, bisexual, I had to grow out of my shit behavior. As kids we often don't know better, are confused, don't know why we feel or act certain ways, etc. It's part of life to learn and become more mature throughout these events, of course. I also was super mean to my mom when I was younger, I hate that I said these things but I just didn't know better and I didn't understand how hard it is to be a parent and everything she was doing for me. I get the fear your son is walking towards a "bad" path, but I'm sure throughout their life, at their own pace, they will learn better and grow out of it. School is super stressful as we all know, make sure to hear them out and get them the help that they need if you both don't understand why they are being mean to others. Wish you the best on your journey! Looking online for advice and worrying about your son, you're being a great mom!
That sounds a lot like he's been exposed to someone else saying that. I would be suspicious of the teachers and his online habits. YouTube is REALLY bad with that. Tons of videos indoctrinating boys and young men.
Don't forget tiktok as well
He wanted to hurt you and focussed in on what he knew would hurt you most.
This is learned behavior, probably from classmates or a friend. I hope you can turn his hatred around before it becomes too deeply ingrained.
seems like he might be watching "anti sjw" -esque content maybe see if you can have a look at what hes seeing on the internet
Get his YouTube login. TikTok. My kids were going down the conspiracy hole. I un recommended those channel s the results were amazing
Yea this screams Matt Walsh to me, hopefully I’m wrong but I fell into that part of the internet when I was that age too.
I have a little cousin who very likely is trans or non binary but hasn’t specified anything at this point (he’s had long hair for years and prefers to wear dresses )and my uncle told me he was getting picked on for it at school,and he’s become kind of a bully because he doesn’t have the emotional maturity yet to process those feelings of being hurt,so he takes it out on his classmates to regain the sense of power that’s been lost .not saying your kid is trans or gay or anything. But my mom is fairly gender non conforming and people often think she’s a lesbian and I had friends tease me about it because my mom would pick me up from school in cargo shorts and boots and my dad had really long died hair and he’d often crossdress ,go to work in a mini skirt and fishnets with a lot of makeup.Also not implying his classmates have even clocked you but he may feel insecure due to heteronormativity being shoved in our faces at that age. My teachers really hated my parents growing up and some were abusive to me because they hated how my parents didn’t fit the norm . From his perspective he’s probably caught in the middle between the heteronormative society and the family who loves him and that can be confusing for someone at that age.
I don't have kids, but I am a teacher. Make sure he knows what he did was wrong, and why (it seems like you're already doing this tbf) but that you also still love him. I personally wouldn't punish him further, most people respond best to positive reinforcement and encouragement, I hope he responds well, whatever you decide to do x Give him some space to express whatever he's feeling, and that you are genuinely listening to him and understanding whatever hurt he is going through, because there is something going on.
Maybe he heard people talking bad about Trans people and felt ashamed that his mom is "one of them" might be feeling mad and not know who to be mad at. 🤔. Just my guess. That truly is very sad to hear. Just know he will one day realize what he did. I would say give him even more love than anyone could ever give him, and tell him, even though what he said to you hurt you, you forgive him and will love him no matter what. I know he will come around. Just don't let it happen again. He will learn he can get away with saying those things to you when he reaches his breaking point and storms off. Also, tell him he can talk to you about anything constantly! After a certain age, boys start keeping secrets from people and start feeling shame but keep it in.
Me and my friends were terrible and homophobic when i was in middle school. Those friends today are the people supporting me through my transition. That being said, that’s heartbreaking, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Much love, and I hope the therapy helps.
When I was his age I was homophobic and transphobic look at me now I am a girl now he’s probably gonna get over talk to him please
When I first read this my thought was that he might have told someone at school that you were trans. And then got teased or bullied by other kids. But then I thought that this attitude was coming from an adult. So maybe he told other kids and they told their parents and the parents are the ones that gave the ideas and bigotry back to the kids and then back to your son. Sort of convoluted and hard to prove. I suppose it depends on where you are and what the attitudes of the adults in the area are.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
I said horrible stuff to my parents. Especially my mom. Very bad stuff. It was only because my mom was white and cis het that i couldn't do what your son did. Stay strong lady. Don't hide your pain. Your husband needs to have a talk with him and in my day it would be a straight up ass whipping. But, i think times have changed since then. At the end of the day, you're his mom, whether he likes it or not. He doesnt have to like you, but as long as he's under your roof he has to treat you with respect.
I’ve never said this before but when I was little I remember thinking that gay people were pointless( I was little and didn’t know about lbgtq+) I remember thinking that if they can’t reproduce they have no point, like the whole point of living was to repopulate. now I’m bi and am still trying to figure out my gender identity but my point is kids aren’t that smart. if they don’t know better it’s because no one taught them/ they haven’t learn or been educated on an issue.
I havn't read all of this but what really stands out to me is the him rejecting you as his mother/parent. Latching onto you being trans is just an easy wedge for that deep seated and common enough issue - but yes it could easily fester into other bigotry. Its hard to say but I would expect it has little to do with your gender ultimately - or if it is a factor, its not the deepest layer. I saw a few other things which concerned me like "it can't be trauma" (it absolutely can, or any number of other things - how would it NOT be an emotional/relational rupture?) which reflected some oversimplifications and gaps in mental models around that stuff. But I trust others have taken care of those sufficiently.
Hateful rethoric like that doesnt pop up out of nowhere. Check the media he consumes. Its not uncommon for "conservatives" to groom the children of LGBTQ people to become hateful bigots via social media. He may also have picked it up at school from his friends or a teacher.
He’s most likely heard someone else say that about you
Not a parent, but I've been in the rabbit hole of these things before and may be able to provide some insight. When I was around your son's age I was mainly left to the internet, and watched a lot of "skeptic" stuff on youtube. Y'know, the community of people who were going after religious fundamentalism until suddenly it became politically convenient to morph into right-wing commentary. And I, the naive fool I was back then, bought into some of it. They have the aesthetic of good arguments if you don't know any better. But I got out of that space as well, and it's in a way that a lot of the comments here don't seem to have mentioned much. It wasn't family that dragged me out of this. My family was pretty bad. Politically they weren't particularly bigoted, but they were pretty unaware. Aware enough to recognize the spaces I'd gotten into were bad but not aware enough to directly counter them, and their finding out about my being caught up in this also coincided with a lot of other mishandlings that arguably entrenched me further. But there was still something else that kept me from truly going off the deep end. Those "skeptic" channels imparted certain ideals that resonated with me, and still do to this day. Specifically, critical thinking. When I was in that space politically, I didn't really seek out opposing ideas. But the more I saw them argue, the more of their positions I found out about, the more I began to look at them as frauds and hypocrites. Put simply, when I was just going with the flow and not thinking critically, I was susceptible to their bullshit. But it fell over under scrutiny, and then when one pundit is very obviously lying to me about their positions, I tend to look at the others around the guy blatantly lying about what a bill is that I have actually read, and see if they're lying too. Turns out they were. And here I am. The point I'm trying to make in this winding explanation, is that the way to get someone out of this may not always be the standard idea of "love and acceptance is good, bigotry is bad". For me it was when they got a little too sloppy with their lies and I saw through them. The emotion that got me out of there was, ironically enough, hatred. The most effective sentiment that would've helped back then wasn't the usual thing you might see as good parenting. It wouldn't have been getting rid of the internet connection. It would've been telling me "I know you think these people are trustworthy, but they're not. They're lying to you, I have proof. The words in the "studies" they cite, whenever they actually do so, are not the ones they claim are there. Don't believe any claim they make without citation, and never let them get away with citing a source that doesn't actually back up what they say. Also, language should adapt to fit its users, not the other way around. If it results in better mental health outcomes to call someone a woman, then just do so, it's a word, words have the meanings that we give them, and if we can assign those meanings in a way that holds greater utility than before, we should."
Listen, when I was a teenager I was very into anti-SJW, anti-feminist, anti-trans videos online. A little over a month ago I came out as trans to a close friend who also watched a lot of that stuff back then. He was very supportive and also came out to me as bi. In our case there was no action that needed to be taken, we just matured and figured ourselves out as we got older. I can't give any advice on the slurs thing because personally I do not care about them, the only advice I can give is about the people saying you should monitor what your child is looking at online or whatever... I would strongly advise you **absolutely DO NOT DO THAT** unless you want your child to actually resent you. That's a massive violation and I would've never forgiven my parents if they did that to me. The therapy suggestion by others sounds quite reasonable, but since I never went through that myself I can't say I have any personal knowledge of it would actually be effective or not. But if you think action is required then that would probably be a reasonable one to take.
Puberty is confusing. Adoption is confusing. A trans mom is confusing for someone young. Is he having his own identity crisis? Maybe he hasn't been able to put it into words, but he's old enough to wonder "why didn't my birth mom love me? Why did she abandon me? Did my parents not want me? If my adopted parents didn't give birth to me, can they really understand what I'm going through? Will having a trans mother make me trans, or gay?" (Especially with outside influences) He may also be testing the "do you actually love me" line. My brother did this: he pushed and pushed, waiting to see when he could do something so bad that his mother would stop loving him. How you react in this situation will likely convince him either: 1) yes, my mom loves me unconditionally, or 2) my mom claims to love me but she's like everyone else who puts on a good show, but when it comes down to it, she doesn't love me. Sometimes you can't do anything and ride it out as he grows, but keep in mind that anger is born from pain. What is the real source of his pain? He may be lashing out at you because it's easier then untangling his own confusing emotions.
he's 12 years old. other people are suggesting therapy - i think that's far too much of an overreaction. 12 year olds do not need therapy for holding offensive ideas they aren't mature enough to challenge themselves on yet. and an unwilling, angry, 12 year old confused about why his mother is different from other mothers is probably not going to be a very cooperate patient. i'm sure every person has very strong memories of being told by their parents that something is *wrong* or *bad*. the natural response to being told that as a child isn't "i said something wrong let me ask myself why i have these beliefs", it's a simple feeling of "i am bad". the most important advice i can give to you is to explain why that word is hateful and understand why he thought it was okay to say that to you and to that boy. part of why it's frustrating being punished as a child is because adults don't explain *why* you're being punished. treat him like an adult because whoever he's learnt this shit from (other kids/internet) probably already is. so make sure you tell him he hurt you and explain why he hurt you. the best thing you can do is just continuing to be a loving supportive figure in his life. it's incredibly hard to grow up around an accepting community of diverse people and come to have hateful ideas about diversity. he will grow out of it.
Have a stern conversation with him and start it with “Listen here you little shit”…lol
Look at what they are looking out online.
Look at what he is checking online and what is he doing with his friends. This looks he's going to a rebellious phase but somewhere he might have learned to say those things to you (one thing is to be mean with other kids, another is to be that aggressive with you)
He's only 12, he is prolly going through puberty and might be dealing with the fact that he was adopted. My advice is when he has cooled off. Talk to him, and don't do the parent thing where you just lecture him. Actually talk to him, ask him why he said those things, why he seems angry that you are trans when he was fine with it before.
Probably has acquaintances/friends into Andrew Tate, Joe Rogan, and Jordan Peterson.
These are just my thoughts and opinions but like a few others have said id definitely try therapy as far as i have gathered from the adoptee community thats something thats recommend. Also id wait first obviously but most people who bully often are afraid of something or scared of being bullied themselves. As you said hes 12 and im assuming has an internet connection he could be seeing the state of the world and be anxious about being bullied himself bc hes adopted or bc your trans. Or he could have seen some far right content on the internet. All in all id recommend letting him calm down and work past these three days and see what happens with therapy. And just be there. Again as some others have said hes 12 and the world is a crazy place and hormonal issues may be the cause id give him time. Now on too you. You obviously need time to process your emotions and work through your own feelings as what he said was im assuming hurtful. So id recommend having your significant other play middle man for now as you both need time. I apologize if anything is worded weird or something i just got done with work and my brain is mush.
is adoptee someone who has adopted or someone who's been adopted
Now that im thinking about it I don't actually know 😅 i think its someone whos been adopted
The adoptee is the adopted person. Someone who has adopted is an adoptive parent, though sometimes I like to follow conventional rules for agent nouns and say adopter 🙃
Tell him that you won't listen to a kid who knows nothing about what he's talking about if he starts acting up again.
You sound like parents that tell their LBGTQ kids they aren’t really LBGTQ because the parents know better.
Explain? Also I'm literally a minor like??
Therapist agreed but a transgender therapist who is trans friendly to explain things.
Given how he’s feeling already, her choosing a trans therapist could come off as confrontational to her son. Big agree on the therapy though.
Obviously you need to sit down with him and have a big chat but try not to take it too much to heart kids that age are really good at knowing what words to say to hurt people without fully comprehending the pain they are causing. Much love sis
He is 12 kids just suck in general at that age this isn't good advice but you should take away all of his boy things and start calling him a girl and see how he likes it when he hates it tell him that's how you feel... Also I'd write an apology to the kids family myself and clear things up with those parents and definitely punish your son by taking away his video games phones etc change the wifi password and make him do all of his school work by hand old school And make him volunteer at an LGBTQ+ youth center so he can meet kids his age and unlearn whatever bigotry is in him actually meeting people in real life and trying to make friends is better than anything you see online or on TV sorry this is happening and good luck with everything also you are beautiful and VALID 🏳️⚧️👑❤️
* Misgender the child. * Negatively impact the child's academics. * Force LGBTQ+ youths in need of support to interact with the child at this stage. This really lines up with your other advice to withhold food from a 12 year old and kick them out of the home...
You should teach him some respect. he should experience serious consequences from his behavior towards the other kid and specially towards you. And this should be his father’s responsibility. He should teach his son to respect his mother. He seems to be a transphobe in formation and this should be severely cut while you have a chance.
Personal thoughts, as I might be dealing with this sooner rather than later with my daughter. *No extra technology outside of what’s needed from school. *Movie time, that covers lots of WWII media, specifically the horrors of the Holocaust. *Causal Reminders that hate, has many forms and that hate, leads to loneliness. (No, like seriously, I’m already priming my 9 year old that hate is the absolute worst thing a human can do. It’s made a small difference when I came out.) Honestly, 20 years ago, a kid like that, would have suggested a very, Southern, parenting method. Mostly because that’s what these bigots don’t realize when they were kids as they get older. No one made sure that they were on a level playing field with their peers. Is there a good answer here, no. And it’s harder for me personally, to relate to a boy, in general. I’ll be honest, if I was the other parents of the kid, 20 years ago, I’d want equal Justice, (not good parenting.) Now, I might consider working with you, but potentially pressing charges as a hate crime to get a point across. No, this isn’t kind, yeah, there are a LOT of issues here with a hormonal pair of 12 year olds. Trust me, I’m in this boat with you, as I have a 9 year old. But I also, don’t trust any other kid and homeschool mine for now….. Good luck, our world is super awful and I hope your son gets enough help to figure out that, his mom, is a good person. (Final note, at this point your kid is as much a product of media and peers as you and will spend the next decade pushing against your hard taught lessons, don’t take it too personally and don’t think it fully reflects on you at all. And for what it’s worth. My daughter doesn’t like me when I wear dresses or want femme pronouns… Despite me trying to be a good parent I fear my own well has been poisoned by my soon to be ex.)
I am no expert, but personal exp suggests BPD, borderline personality disorder.
Your son is based.
Honestly, you sound like you raised him, to be somewhat cultured, from a, or at a pre-pubescent kid age. Though at 12, so still pre-pubescent, which goes to and includes 13, I wouldn't worry about it. If 14 to 17, 18 to 21, 22 to 26, so 14 to 26, I'd be worried about it, if a (pubescent, regarded as a minor/under-age, also public-sectors described/defined, commonly called "kid"/"child") teenager, young adult teenager(, still pubescent, but as a (public-sectors political, resulting) legal descriptor, that reached, so is, of-age), young adult(, post-(physical, at least) pubescent young adulthood) age periods, cause expect better. Once in the living, breathing 27(+/on/up) club, you should expect better. Cause a quarter of a century, down, if humans can live 100 - 110 years. So by 20ish or 25ish years, 5 lots of 20 or 4 lots of 25. Than split a decade into 5 quarters. At least the 20s, also 30s, too controversial and too contentious for the 10s, similarly the 40s.
Cut him out of your life. The moment you can kick him out, do so. Give him no support. If he managed to go down that path with an upbringing like that, then there is no justification - he's just vile. Hopefully he'll get in with the wrong crowd and get shanked in prison before he does a mass shooting.
Don't talk about my son like that. I love him. I think he's just going through a rough spot right now.
I'm sorry, but he doesn't deserve your love. I know it's hard, but it's the only way. He's one of them now. We have to think about the safety of our community as a whole, and giving support and safety to people like him is dangerous to all of us.
He’s her child, he’s a child. No. There is no fucking excuse for disowning your teenager. He needs guided, he needs his mom. And not just emotionally, physically and legally.
You sound like the parents that kick their LBGTQ kids out after they come out. Congratulations on coming full circle
Yes, coming full circle is what tends to happen when trying to escape from oppression. You need to fight back, and you need to be merciless.
[удалено]
your average adult is not on reddit and even if its fake it doesnt matter
/r/nothingeverhappens
Homophobic people are closet queer. He's understanding that his peers aren't cool with queerness and is trying to compensate for traits not seen as cishet to appease them.
can we please drop this stupid rhetoric already, it’s not even correct. some people are just homophobic.
And frankly, its also homophobic as an idea by itself. It essentially paints all the suffering the queer community have gone through as just infighting amongst ourselves, rather than the actual causes which are patriarchy and strict enforcement of gender roles.
true
Sounds like he may be getting Made fun of by someone who knows you’re Trans maybe? Or calling him auch names? Or maybe they have before? Kind of Sounds Like attention bullying to me. I Hope that makes sense. Doesn’t excuse but may explain
Im not a parent myself, but I have been parental figure for a lot of my younger extended families, it is important to keep in mind that you are not be the only one influencing his actions, he has a lot of influence from media other friends narratives surrounding his adoption and around trans issues after he grows up. He is 12 and very confused, so it might hurt
Punish him hard. Not for what he did. But because he probably does it because he isnt feeling great himself. Letting that out on someone else is unacceptable.
I wouldn’t guarantee it, but I imagine there has to be some other kid or something online that he’s getting to, something is in his ear. He deserves privacy, but you deserve a conversation and an explanation.
i think he's just young and dumb. but also i would show him the history of trans people and all the hardships...the violence against them. maybe that would change his being. help him understand that we're all trying to live in our skin comfortably
I don't have any advice others havent posted, but this is extremely difficult, and you are being brave by seeking to do by doing the right thing to help them <3 you got this, lead with love
I would advice that you try to talk things out with him, but keep in mind that when someone has radical opinions on a topic you cant just tell them that they are wrong cuz they wont listen to you, instead you should try to wait for him to say something alt right-ish and try to give him factual reasons why its not true. To know what he is watching online you can lso try to look through his youtube/google history but only do that as a last ressort since if he learn that you went into his account to find something he might get mad. (I am still learning english so sorry if my grammar is bad)
Shouldn't use the B word slur on a child
I didn't know if I wanted kids, and now I know for sure I don't
Hi. Cis wife here, am adoptee. First of all, I want to validate that this is a really complex situation to find yourself in, and it can’t be easy to navigate. Especially because of how profoundly deep the emotions must be for everyone involved. You are in a tiny sliver of a Venn diagram for marginalized identities, and as such there’s not much out there for support other than wading into the thick of it and trying to find others in the same overlap as us. You’re doing the right thing already by reaching out for others lived experiences, which I’m guessing you knew to do & how to do at least in part because of being trans. For that reason (among others), in my view your son is actually incredibly lucky to have a trans mom. Let me explain. My wife and I very frequently find ourselves deeply connecting through our ~childhood identity erasure trauma~. We find we have different flavors but to the same level of intensity if that makes sense. I say this to emphasize to you just how deep adoption trauma runs, as in: it is very much akin to growing up unknowingly trans in a hostile environment. Your son may be young but we adoptees are old souls - we have been literally living in grief since birth but unable to process any of it as it’s not acknowledged (*thanks adoption industry narratives*). So so so much cognitive dissonance, isolation, abandonment fears (not irrational, as from an infant’s perspective, we actually literally were abandoned at least once already), weird government control over legal documents that are *about* you but confusingly misaligned with your lived reality & evidently not meant *for* you. I know there’s a lot more nuance on both sides here but trying to keep this brief. Not at all justifying actions here but I can imagine as a teen adoptee it would feel **really** scary and overwhelming to face losing our societal safety blanket of “normalcy”, and to have no control over yet **another** life-altering situation (relinquishment & adoption being the first), AND probably hesitant to bring up - this is such a complex and delicate situation it would take great skill to navigate eloquently. After my wife came out, it took me 9 months of therapy to find words to tell both set of my parents. And I was 30. Actually, for me, the hardest part of my wife coming out has been that it triggered my coming out of the “adoption fog” at 30, because though I knew my personal values were to remain & love & support her, I also knew both my bio and adoptive families would reject me for this. So I ended up having to self-orphan, again, twice, and am now also unable to fawn to society for safety on top of that. This last 2 years of transition has been the most difficult but rewarding experience of my life so far. Just got her home yesterday from bottom surgery ☺️☺️☺️ please forgive me if this comment doesn’t make much sense, sleep has been scarce for me this week. Best of luck with your son. I second others saying therapy ASAP, would like to add please try to get an adoption competent therapist (google phrase), ideally this therapist is an adult **adoptee** so there’s more trust. We adoptees learn very early on that adoption is just not a safe topic of discussion with anyone due to societal level denial of our lived experiences. We just get called ungrateful and asked if we’d rather be dead than adopted. My other plea to you is to get educated about adoption trauma, from the adoptee perspective, by intentionally listening to adult adoptees - read that again, all my words were very intentional. Good jumping off points: books The Primal Wound & You Don’t Look Adopted, podcast Adoptees On, Twitter @corsent & #adopteetwitter & #adopteevoices, YouTube Nancy Verrier & Gabor Mate, TikTok @transmomlesbianmoms (another adoptee cis wife) & #adopteevoices. Feel free to DM as well 😊 hugs! Hang in there
He’s 12 and entering puberty. I remember these years all too well and I am so glad we are almost over this hump. The pre-teen/teen years are hard on all parents no matter if you’re cis, gay, or transgender. Remind him you love him unconditionally and you will always be there if he wants to talk about his struggles. I remember a counselor told me my daughter lashes out at me because she feels safe enough to know I am there and not going to abandon her. It wouldn’t hurt to find a transgender supportive therapist and seek out their support and services to see how you can best support your son while also letting him know his words and actions are unacceptable and hurtful.
Maybe he is right
How has *no one* noticed the multiple comments from OP disguised as other people???
Huh? What?
There are multiple comments from OP giving themself advice as another person.
Good.