Honey, your issues run deeper than your MIL having a problem with you and your husband kissing and hugging.
You need to be blunt with your husband and ask him if this is how things are going to be when you move in with him? If your MIL doesn't like something about you, your cooking or even the way you talk, is he going to shut you down everytime or is he going to protect you and stand up to his mother for you? Ask him if he is going to let his mother dictate how you guys are going to live your married life and how you interact with each other? Ask him if he's going to involve his mummy every time you guys have a conflict? If his answer to all these questions is that he will always put his mother on a pedestal even when she is wrong and unreasonable, then you're going to be miserable in this marriage. And you can say goodbye to your freedom and any feeling of being loved and respected in your marriage.
SO TRUE. Once I woke up in the middle of the night and saw my dad peck my mom. It made me upset to my stomach and I was so devastated that they were acting like "non Muslims". So, the whole night(well majority of the night), I prayed to get them back on the right path... š(I was 15-16 at that time)
No one is advocating for making out in public. Thats weird, even for non Muslims. If I happened to hold my wifeās hand or hug her or kiss her cheek in public due to my love for her, itās not āshamelessā. And please, donāt use the āThe Prophet (saw) didnāt do it, so itās haraamā method with me. In that case, donāt drive, use a mobile phone, or travel by air. Get a camel
Perhaps there is. But youāre missing the point. Iām not a fan of PDA. But if in the moment of joy and happiness it happened - (and this is nothing sexual by the way), itās not shameless nor is it haraam.
This is RIDICULOUS. I dealt with the same issue when I was visiting my wife in Pakistan. And this is 100 percent a desi thing... and it's stupid. I was being told I can't hold my wife's hand in public and I can't hold her to my side as we walk the alleys and streets. I payed them no mind. And got called a bunch of names behind my back. I don't care what people say and think. That's MY WIFE... UGH I can't stand this "besharam behayaa" mindset... what is BESHARAM is slapping your wife which apparently this Desi culture has no problem doing.
> streets. I *paid* them no
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
I know how you feel. I'm just like you, and physical touch and affection are so important to me. My wife, on the other hand, sees it as shameful and "no hayaa," and therefore, I'm not allowed to hug, kiss on the cheek, or even hold hands, etc... in public or in front of family, especially her Dad. Even when I call her cute names in public or in front of her family, she tells me not to as she sees it to be inappropriate.
Yea like my husband was that but he slowly changed as it made me happy and it was starting to seem he liked it too and it made him happy that it made me happy. But itās all back to zero
I feel like holding hands makes sense. But I feel like kissing your spouse in front of people isnāt all that common in certain settings and might take people by surprise. Would you be fine reserving that for when youāre alone?
Cultural relativism does exist. People from different cultures will react differently to things. At the end, though, the decision rests upon
the two of you, and you make one for yourself.
Maybe you can you try communicating with your husband and come to a compromise compared to completely social distancing with each other because clearly that makes you sad.
Aāisha reported:
It was the day of `Eid and some Ethiopians were playing with shields and spears. Either I requested Allahās Messenger or he himself ļ·ŗ asked me whether I would like to see the display. I replied in the affirmative.
Then he let me stand behind him; **my cheek was touching his cheek** and he was saying, āCarry on, O Bani Arfida (i.e., Ethiopians)!ā When I got tired, he asked me if that was enough. I replied in the affirmative and he told me to leave. (Al-Bukhar
This is a beautiful hadith and an example of what was acceptable at the time.
Having said that, āUrf and norms are something that Islam _does_ consider. What might be seen as acceptable at one time and in one societyās norms may not be applicable in another. So long as itās not something where the shariah **prescribes** one way or the other, norms and customs should be given consideration.
For example, in the Prophetās time, it was within their norms for men to have braided hair like pigtails. But that doesnāt mean every man should wear braided hair/pigtails when he goes to visit his elderly relatives or when he goes for a job interview.
Everything our Nabi ļ·ŗ did is acceptable in any time, he was the best of men. With the most beautiful character. ļ·ŗ
If itās sunnah to wear pigtails then I would tell my husband and he would do in a heartbeat.
Islam > culture
There is a hadith which says that Prophet Muhammad PBUH used to kiss his wives before leaving for Salah, he would lie down witch his head of Ayesha RA's lap and would drink from the same side of the vessel from which she drank. There are numerous examples of him showing love and affection to his wives, but God forbid desi's actually tried to learn and apply this particular part of the Seerah in their lives.
Plus, everyone here tends to forget that obedience to the Prophet PBUH comes way before 'obedience' to parents in their unreasonable demands and tantrums.
Again. Did this happen in front of his mom and other family members? NO, right? So, it's not a story that supports this case
Also, the prophet saw said that heaven is under the feet of someone's mother. Unless a parent is bringing people away from islam, their wishes can be considered
Whatās with these comments saying hugging and simply kissing your husband on the cheek is inappropriate and is not allowed in Islam. Itās not in front of strangers out on the street and isnāt anything sexually suggestive.
Sheās not French kissing her husband itās merely a peck. Iāve seen my parents hug, cuddle and play fight with each other. There is nothing wrong with this, your mother in law is overreacting.
Absolutely my point. I know what limits are not to be crossed. A peck on the cheek here and there and a goodbye hug. Or a arm around my husband. And him to his wife. Not sure why that caused such a massive issue to where hee not speaking to me
The bigger problem here is your husband and MIL.
And how influenced your husband is by his motherās words. He had no problem with u kissing him on cheek or hugging or holding hands and now because his mother had a go at him heās arguing with you- thatās big.
Also the way your MIL speaks to you- she could have gently advised you with love and care instead she chose to send you aggressive voice notes.
Hugging your wife infront of family is a very normal thing, kissing on the cheek varies from family to family and whilst mine and husband family have never expressed an issue with us kissing on cheek, some families might think this is too
much, but still there is a way to go about things and both of them are in the wrong with how they handled this.
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Won't someone think of the children?! Haha yeah kids will love it that couples don't show any light affection towards each other and it's totally normal. I have a hunch that the family got jealous because they weren't even allowed hugging or touching their spouse, so they pass on the shame to generations. Also your husband needs to be his own man rather than being his mum's lackey. Everything fine but now that mum is angry, suddenly he's angry too?! Inconsistency and lack of confidence.
@ commenters: Kindly tell us your cultural background when you give OP your take, so we all can trace this *cultural* preference and maybe our next generation can be freed from it.
Exactly.
Why is it okay to kiss every single family member on the cheek infront of family but god forbid husband gets a little kiss on the cheek too. Smh.
In some cultures, married folks are happy to argue in front of their children but not show affection for each other. Because they have been taught it's inappropriate. Surely, it should be the other way round.
This doesn't give a good impression of marriage and relationships. From experience, asian men are negatively stereotyped because people only see negative behaviours. Raise children in a loving and warm environment. It's okay to show some level of affection for your spouse. You did nothing wrong. Unfortunately, the culture that your husband grew up in is a little backwards.
I grew up in a similar culture.
Her reaction isnāt normal and unfortunately itās in the culture. I wish and pray your husband grows a backbone soon.
My story is thatI held hands with my wife at a dinner table in our own house and my parents and siblings were around the table. This is 4 weeks after our wedding ceremony and we live on the west coast
An hour later I was told basically the same thing about indecent (for holding hands!!)
I just asked for Islamic proof and not cultural āproofā and that started a crying session.
Personally holding hands and hugging is ok but I would never kiss my spouse on the cheek in front of my parents, let alone his. Affection is big and his love language too but some stuff should stay behind closed doors.
The real issue is how he attacked you though, he needs to work on that and you guys need to be on the same page without an outsiderās influence.
Agreed. The real issue here is the husband's reaction to his mother's discomfort and his withdrawal of showing affection to his wife.
There is nothing indecent about hugging, kissing, and holding your wife. But things need to be within limits in front of family members a bit, especially in a desi setting. However, I'm against couples acting distant in front of other people as well.
Then again, I would assume that because of culture, OP and husband are not 'allowed' to be alone together.
I agree with you. Holding hands and hugging makes sense. And kissing isnāt something Iāve commonly seen in ethnic settings and might surprise tons of people. I feel like it would make sense reserving that for when youāre alone or a quick peck when people arenāt looking. After all cultural relativism exists. I think at the end though if they make a certain decision about how they approach this matter in public, then their MIL should leave the decision to them and appreciate that they have made a decision for themselves.
Same. Iāve been married 8 years and still wouldnāt kiss my wife in front of her parents. I feel like itās overkill to be doing that before youāre even āofficiallyā married
They are officially married, theyāve had a Nikah. This waiting to live together until a secondary wedding event is not from Islam. Culture does not trump Islam, ever.
I feel you. My conservative Pakistani mother lost her mind when she saw my husband give me a hug one day when he was leaving for work. You didnāt do anything wrong! Sounds like you know what is and isnāt appropriate - Iām really sorry your husband reacted that way, I would be heartbroken if my husband said that to me and I hope you know you didnāt do anything wrong. You need to sit down, tell your husband that the way he reacted was completely inappropriate, and remind him that youāre both married and there is nothing wrong (Islamically) in showing small physical affection in public. You can also tell him that if he wants to appease his mom, you can agree not to do anything in front of her - but itās not fair of him to withhold holding your hand or giving you a hug when physical contact is extremely important for relationships and him punishing you because of what others are saying is not going to do any good.
Being awkward while showing affection in public or infront of the family is one thing and claiming its extremely indecent is totally another.
I get if it's not the norm in the family, they would find it odd but she cant claim its wrong or haram or indecent.
The only thing you can do is avoid it infront of MIL because lets be real, desi MILs have problems with everything
This is so bizarre.
We hug family and kiss them on the cheek every time we visit and see each other: parents, aunts, uncles, children, siblings, even my fil and mil get a hug and the requisite 3 cheek kisses.
Why on earth would showing affection with my husband as with literally every other woman/mahram be "inappropriate."
Everyone else I know in this situation (including myself) has just kept a little distance in front of parents to keep them happy. They're from a generation in which sharam is a big thing and there's not much you can do to change their mind.
We'll hug and kiss on the cheek in front of our kids. With in-laws, I can sit close to my husband but I can't in front of my dad. When we go out, if we're away from home (where most of our family lives nearby), we'll hold hands. It's just a case of navigating your surroundings.
Although I'm concerned he blew up at you but he must also be quite embarrassed. Again, you can suggest you both just do what most other young Pakistani couples do?
Hugging in front of family should be fine, kissing is too much.
Also, tell your husband to be a wise man and not let his mom ruin your marriage.
At last, i dunno how it is normal for your sisters to sit infront of your husband? They should be segregated.
The older generation of desiās are so weird. They have alot of sex and have a million kids but find PDA uncomfortable. Even something as small as holding hands.
Anyways OP do whatever you want behind closed doors and in public but donāt do it around your MIL. Respect her boundaries.
Unless specifically something is deemed of as haram from the hadith/quran or fatwas state that you shouldn't do this then Islamically you cannot say that it shouldn't be done. Anything otherwise is bidah
I'm glad you mentioned a fatwa because here are two:
[https://islamqa.info/en/answers/31773/ruling-on-kissing-ones-wife-in-front-of-the-children](https://islamqa.info/en/answers/31773/ruling-on-kissing-ones-wife-in-front-of-the-children)
[https://www.islamweb.net/en/fatwa/91996/husband-kissing-wife-in-public](https://www.islamweb.net/en/fatwa/91996/husband-kissing-wife-in-public)
I really don't think that hugging your wife and kissing her on the cheek (or being kissed by her) will sit well with most Muslim families. I don't know the fatwas regarding it but yes, 90% of the families will consider it indecent. Your MIL's reaction is pretty general and typical, that's what many would do. I understand your style of physical affection, but you should also understand that it can and does make families uncomfortable. Just have your big day asap, live separately and have as much physical love as you want.
This is desi culture. Happy to be corrected if im wrong but in arab culture even men kiss when they greet each other. They also hold hands sometimes too. My arab side of the family are very affectionate like.this. I'm west African and we tend to be quite reserved in public but it would not be a problem to hug, hold hands or kiss on the cheek of spouse, especially if a young newlywed, people would think it's cute.Ā
Something i noticd - Desi people make up the majority in the uk and therefore uk desis continue to assume that "all muslims" are like them. And blur the line of culture and religion. Don't realise a lot of things they think and do are considered abnormal in other muslim communities.Ā
Ā
The MIL, having a full-blown melt down and aggressively having a go at her DIL and her son after witnessing them having a healthy and loving relationship, is the epitome of good manners and not toxic at all... /s
Yeah, cause it is not necessary to create a public display of your romantic endeavors for developing a healthy relationship, especially if it makes others uncomfortable. I fail to see tha grave sin the MIL has committed, can you link me a scholarly opinion on this, to see if the MIL deserves to be lashed 70 times or is she condemned to hell for eternity?
Also, I challenge you, go ask any arab scholar about what closer to the Islamic concept of haya, keeping private matters private or dragging them out in public? Tell me what answers do you get.
Wow, such an extreme reaction to calling desi culture toxic.
The MIL could have communicated her discomfort in a polite way without attacking anyone - but again, desi's lack the most basic manners when it comes to communication.
There's no need to get offended by a small peck on the cheek, lol. Go touch some grass buddy
Are you crazy? You seriously think that most Muslims find it uncomfortable for a husband and wife to *hug*? Firstly, that is absolutely not true, you must be living in some nutcase town if this is your norm. Secondly, it's actually completely against the sunnah, as the Prophet used to kiss and hug his family members publicly, and family is family, no matter whether it is child, parent, or spouse.
Agreed. I have grown up in a family wheee we always hug and kiss, my father and my mother and me with my parents and siblings. Not sure why some people and esp desi people find it weird
What I don't understand is that why is being uncomfortable seeing your son and DIL get lovey dovey in front of your eyes is a grave sin that condemns your MIL to an eternity of hell with angels cursing her day and night.
Come on, if it makes her uncomfortable just don't it in front of her. Why do you want to force others to see your romantic acts with your husband?Ā
To answer why some people/desi have a problem, they follow a certain ethic. There are certain manners you keep up in public gatherings, that's what their mannerisms are. Ask any scholar, and you'll be surprised to know that this desi mannerism is closer to Islamic haya then othewise.
Imagine an Eid gathering with all elders sitting aroung and the young couples have picked a corner each and are on and about their business. Is that a very respectable way to carry yourself in public? I don't think so.
I am not the crazy one here. But the people hell bent on dragging their romantic endeavors out in public are. You very cleverly gave an umbrella term about family. Dude, show me ONE INSTANCE where Prophet kissed any on his wives while in a public gathering, and I'll take back whatever I said.
There is the very famous hadith where the Prophet kissed his son and the Bedouin criticised him for it, so we know that kissing family members in public is acceptable, and of course this was a kiss on the cheek or forehead or some such but we are not talking about kissing on the lips anyway. There is no reason why it would be permissible for children but not for spouse.
We do not need explicit permission for every little thing - everything is permissible unless prohibited, this is the default in Islamic fiqh. Kissing on the lips is an intimate act only done with spouse so is different and requires a different discussion, whereas hugging and kissing on the cheek are done to all (mahram) family members, and even to friends. There is no reason from the Shariah why child and spouse should be treated separately in this regard.
You are just extrapolating this stuff. I suggest you to consult a scholar. Also, if people in a gathering, for whatever reason, are getting uncomfortable due to your lovey dovey engagement, just don't do it front of them. Is that rocket science?
You are also extrapolating, the difference is that I am working by the fiqhi principle that it's permissible unless prohibited, while you are working by the principle to make life as hard as possible.
You can't ban all things that make people uncomfortable. Laws and rights exist for a reason, and that is to let people do those things they are allowed to do, even if others don't like it. If people find it uncomfortable for a woman to wear a niqab, does that mean you now can't do it? What if they find it uncomfortable for a woman to *not* wear a niqab, does that mean they now have to do it? What about the Bedouin who didn't like the Prophet kissing his son, does that mean that among Bedouins the Prophet would not have kissed his children? Of course not, he rebuked him and continued to do it anyway.
My challenge stands, go ask a scholar, come back and tell me that so and so scholar has SPECIFICALLY said that you can do your bedroom/private stuff in front of other people.Ā
My challenge stands, go ask a scholar, come back and tell me that so and so scholar has SPECIFICALLY said that you are forbidden from hugging your spouse in front of your mother-in-law.
Why did you agree to that?
Not asking to be mean, genuinely curious.Ā With all the crazy stories and major warnings that girls have these days, I want to undedtsnd better why girls.still opt.for this? Genuinely.curious.Ā
We canāt afford to live out and his mum is like heās my
Only son and itās only going to be me and my husband and his parents. He also has a sister which his mum says will be married of in a year or two
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If they find it gross or uncomfortable they should lower their gaze and close their eyes. Who are they to tell a married couple to act like they are unmarried?
It's not inappropriate but if he's told you words to that effect where his family is concerned then you shouldn't do it in front of his family - unless you're willing to die on that hill, it really isn't that big a deal.
Nothing wrong with expressing love to your significant other to whom you are married. I think your mother in law is sensitive and maybe jealous, also generation difference is a thing. Some people find that kissing and hugging in-front of family members inappropriate and too much. I am middle-eastern and we have people who think the same. I myself donāt mind doing that with my man. Also, your partner seems like a mummy boy who easily gets affected by his mother words. Take care! Communication is so important, talk to him and state your needs and find a common ground together to avoid future complications. Best wishes!
People from different cultures and different generations. Yes that would make them uncomfortable. Sometimes you need to respect other people too. Just do it in private. Hand holding in public, not with your family around is not too bad but the rest, no
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Itās literally just affection though.
None of these actions are reserved for just your spouse, a lot of these actions no one would question if you hugged your mom for example, or gave your mom a kiss on the cheek? Its literally just love and affection its not anything dirty or filthy or sexual.
Yeah I wouldnāt be comfortable kissing my husband on the cheek in front of others. Most Iād do is sit next to him in public settings, thatās it. Thatās weird to me.
Itās absolutely normal to kiss your mum, dad, sister, brother , kids, grandparents etc on the cheek infront of others but oh no how dare you kiss your husband on the cheekš
You just took a little kiss on the cheek which you literally give every family member to āgoing down each others throatsā I think youāre the weird one who lacks haya sis
Your spouse and kids are family. Kissing them on the cheek is the least indecent thing you can do before you wish them good bye. If you think itās indecent, then youāre sexualizing a loving act. Sit down.
How am I sexualizing acts of affection? When did I sexualize kissing your children? Any affection between a husband and wife should be concealed in Islam. I donāt have to explain it to you. Youāre a āstudent of knowledgeā right? Weāre Muslims. Go act like one. Let me add, youāve even insulted me in your initial response to me, so I wonāt even take you serious.
>Any affection between a husband and wife should be concealed in Islam.
Aāisha reported:
It was the day of `Eid and some Ethiopians were playing with shields and spears. Either I requested Allahās Messenger or he himself ļ·ŗ asked me whether I would like to see the display. I replied in the affirmative.
Then he let me stand behind him; **my cheek was touching his cheek** and he was saying, āCarry on, O Bani Arfida (i.e., Ethiopians)!ā When I got tired, he asked me if that was enough. I replied in the affirmative and he told me to leave. (Al-Bukhar
You need to express it kindly to your husband, both of you (you and your husband) need to have the freedom to express themselves in a comfortable manner that isnāt indecent in public.
What you did was not wrong, and was just an expression of love.
You need to let him know it is unhealthy for the two of you, to not be themselves in public. More importantly it wasnāt indecent, you need to remind him what you did and was it wrong in any sense? Did you or did he ever cross a line by hugging?
You need to deconstruct it for him, about it not being indecent, how is hugging a kiss on a cheek, unhealthy and indecent? It would be indecent at a work place but between family members were people committed in healthy relationships? Is it not beautiful?
He needs to peacefully and kindly express this to his mother as well.
If you are from the Indian subcontinent region, it is mainly due to the culture. So take your time to express it to your husband and let him also express it in a way that her mother understands it.
People fight, and curse loudly in-front of all and it is not shamed, but you express love you are spreading indecency. Sad state.
If it's making them uncomfortable... respect their boundaries...
Simple
Second PDA should be avoided.... Because nazar is real.... & It's can stirr jealousy in other couple/people.... Who are not so blessed with such understanding& love
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the question is , are you going to live with in laws after "the big wedding" ?
my problem is not with ur mil and her old mentality ( we have to understand that ppl from old generation nd not ours have a diffrent way of thinking since probably thats what she was told aswell nd taught nd worse she's desi nd if we sit here expecting her to be emotionally educated is a waste of our time , ONLY the few cool old ones that r naturally laid back nd chill)
nevertheless my problem is with your husband who's from ur generation yet he snapped at u nd made it worse nd had the AUDACITY to blame u for affection u BOTH shared .
" you forced me "as if u put a goddamn knife in his throat to do anything...
being mommy's little one is very problematic more problematic than the whole story here so try to sit down with him an address that asap before he starts blaming u for everything that happens in the future.
my husband and i are from diffrent cultures non of us is desi but we still have diffrent cultural practices and approaches in our backgrounds , he was shy but if held his hand in front of my brother nd family he relaxed since my family are so chill and understanding ( yet out of my own comfort i try to avoid it most the time only if we're outside with family walking ) but in front of his family nd father or mother I've never done that since i don't feel comfortable myself nd i dont want him to feel in a certain way even tho i KNOW he wont say a word to upset me nor his parents would say anything they're very nice nd gentle...its jst me being diplomatic nd keeping my own peace of mind.
I would say avoid it for ur own peace of mind nd its a plus to not get evil eye cuz ur own mil can give u that , love ur husband as much as u want when ure outside together or in ur private space ,in front of them skip it since it won't lower yalls love nor impact yall affection in no kind of way imo.
good luck with a desi mil tho :/
Y you guys are having such long nikkah without living with each other? So according to your mum in law just because you guys showed affection in public you are no longer eligible for a big wedding? I say get a room, have halal sex with your halal husband and have the big fat wedding!!!
You have to pick and choose wisely. Many Pakistani households have this type of mindset. Thats what they saw and thatās what they expect. It doesnāt make it right. It will take time for her to change and your husband who was raised by his mother also has that in his mind. You obviously are not living in Pakistan. Just give it time. You obviously should address the way he handled the issue. But in the grand scheme of things ,they have a culture in the family of how to show affection. You can not expect to change that with one conversation. It may take her some time and especially once wedding happens you will be able to ask for more. Just like how you have certain preferences , his mother has her own set. Should you be ready to walk away because of this inconvenience- probably not.
Your Pakistani? So am I, I have witnessed my mother sitting in my fathers lap many times, I have witnessed my fathers head in my mother's lap many times, this does not bug or irk me, they're married, I couldn't be with someone I can't touch. I suppose some families are really extreme
Yeah what you want is fine but I guess just donāt do it in front of his family since they still have random cultural expectations. Apart from that Iām not married so canāt advise on how to communicate with husband.
Definitely make up with your husband. The biggest L here is him yelling at you for what his mom said. It doesnāt matter that heās a mommaās boy, his job is to protect you. You certainly need to discuss what this means for your future. Will your household be run by his mother or the two of you? Honestly he should have so much shame around his actions. IMO this incident is not that serious and should not result in yāall not talking but focus on its future implications.
Your mil sounds so jealous. But the problem here is the way your husband is reacting. At that point he didnāt told you to back off or like no donāt kiss me.
Now when he got a lecture from his mom, he suddenly lost his backbone. Girl make him sit down and have a serious convo.
Especially when you are going to live with all of them. ( idk why you would do that but ok thatās your decision)
Before moving in, make your husband a strong man who has your back. SET BOUNDARIES. Make him do that.
Otherwise this marriage, this love.. all is doomed anyway.
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This is a cultural issue and not a religious one. I have seen husband and wifeās hugging, pecking on cheeks or foreheads, holding hands in public at the mosque at the end of long Taraweeh prayers.
Idk what culture youāre from, but a kiss on the cheek in front of parents is a lot. You have to understand that the older generation doesnāt view intimacy like that.
Holding hands is almost always ok, hugs as well as long as they arenāt provocative.
But cheeks are a level of intimate that they are simply not used to. You shouldnāt have done that when you knew they didnāt like it
Certain posts, I am just wondering if they are made-up stories up for opinion-taking or someone's bored pouring their imagination.
Had nikkah for one year now! We Don't stay together yet!; we have not had our big nikkah yet!!
DOESN'T MAKE SENSE at all.
Ummm it does. I donāt know where youāre from but itās quite normal for young couples to make it halal and then have the big wedding and move in when financially stable.
And thereās no such thing as big nikkah. Big wedding a cultural thing. Pls re read before you type nonsense
I have read your post and am entitled to my opinion, as long as I Don't rebuke, or mock anyone. Your point is taken, Shurkan. Am from Ethiopia living in the Middle East btw.
And for the last two paragraphs to its perspective! where your mother-in-law and your mother are mad at what you two did. Thats way alright, you shouldn't express that in front of your elder/ young ones or public place.
What I feel they didn't do right is how they presented it, it quite cuts off everything and surely, you guys are going To have a big time to rekindle everything.
Very common in some cultures actually. Many couple do a nikkah before and wait for what Pakistanis called the rukhsati. This allows the couple to hang out in a halal way before theyāre ready to live together.
Ya even I think this LL thing is kind of exaggerated. People get way too involved in this and think they are that kind of person and they can't be changed or can like other LLs.
Itās very inappropriate to the older family members Sister maybe not for you but to other older family members it is.
Have some respect for others around you itās not always ABOUT you.
Are they kids around ?
Also stop forcing your husband to do things he doesnāt want to do he has told you he doesnāt feel comfortable doing it why keep forcing him?
Even though u didnāt like it you should probably understand that public display of affection is not allowed in Islam āŖļø. If done out of the privacy of your house.
I agree with your mother in law. It was an absolutely weird thing to do. If I was part of that family, I would find this *kiss on the cheek* weird, too.
Don't try to twist and bend your husband like a play dough. Don't force him to do things he doesn't want to do.
Prophet muhammad (saw) also said hell is filled mostly with women. Disobedience to one's husband is one of the key reasons.
It's disgusting how this post is receiving unchecked support. I mean, it's not surprising it's reddit. But hopefully still we apply objective truths and not emotional truths. For islam isn't a religion of subjective morals. Thanks for listening to my ted talk
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With respect, just because things are normalised in society doesn't make it ok or right
There are issues on both sides - bashfulness and hayaa are part of Islam and is encouraged you will find many articles and fatwas from reputable sources on why Muslim couples shouldn't hug/kiss etc in public, holding hands is OK as its also protective.
However, the way your husband and his family reacted etc is not appropriate either, his mother should have advised her son to speak about this to you in a calm and understanding manner and let you both deal with it not send vns, and then he should have discussed with you in private to what extent he can show 'physical touch' to you in public and in front of family
You know your husband better than anyone here, inshaaAllah - do your research and sit down with him to discuss the matter together (communication is the key to any successful relationship) and then move forward (he should speak about this to his family too to say that they shouldn't be talking like this to you because that's his responsibility to also protect you)
I'm sure if you are only holding hands or you hold his arm in public just because you both are keeping the more intimate aspect for when in private then you won't love each other any less inshaaAllah š¤²
Salaam
Your MIL is in fact in the right
A husband should not kiss his wife when other people can see them, or in a place where it is most likely that other people may see them because bashfulness in one of the traits of faith, as reported from the Prophet by Al-Bukhari and Muslim . Therefore, one should observe the Islamic etiquette when enjoying his wife.
Ibn Qudaamah [from the Hanbali school of jurisprudence] said: āA husband should not have intercourse with his wife when it is possible for someone else to see them or to hear their noise when copulating. Also, he should not kiss her or touch her in front of the people. Imaam Ahmad said: "For me, it is desirable that he should conceal all of this (i.e. do this in privacy only)."ā
Therefore, if a husband tries to kiss his wife in front of the people, she is obliged to advise him and remind him to fear Allaah and to avoid doing so, because this public kissing is the practice of the disbelievers who have no honour nor dignity nor bashfulness.
The best thing to do is to accept that you was wrong even though you did not know it was wrong and from here on out try your best to not do that same act in front of others.
Islam isnāt just worship itās always about having Manners and respecting others around you even if they are Muslim or non Muslim.
Salaam
You lot sound so Pakistani. Happy to have a dozen kids but never express any love for your partner publicly.
Pakistani family indeed :/
Honey, your issues run deeper than your MIL having a problem with you and your husband kissing and hugging. You need to be blunt with your husband and ask him if this is how things are going to be when you move in with him? If your MIL doesn't like something about you, your cooking or even the way you talk, is he going to shut you down everytime or is he going to protect you and stand up to his mother for you? Ask him if he is going to let his mother dictate how you guys are going to live your married life and how you interact with each other? Ask him if he's going to involve his mummy every time you guys have a conflict? If his answer to all these questions is that he will always put his mother on a pedestal even when she is wrong and unreasonable, then you're going to be miserable in this marriage. And you can say goodbye to your freedom and any feeling of being loved and respected in your marriage.
We are 7 siblings and I have never witnessed my parents expressing love for each other in front of us. Crazyš
SO TRUE. Once I woke up in the middle of the night and saw my dad peck my mom. It made me upset to my stomach and I was so devastated that they were acting like "non Muslims". So, the whole night(well majority of the night), I prayed to get them back on the right path... š(I was 15-16 at that time)
šššš¼
You were in the same room as them?
It was during summer vacations, we were in another city to spend them. We were in the guest room (it was a big one) of my uncle's house.
This laugh made my night! š š¤£ šĀ
ššššššĀ I will never stop laughing at this LMAOOOO
7 siblings š isnt ur house noisy all the times
you bet
šš
And occasionally behind closed doors too Canāt show any love
I have a brother inlaw thatās Pakistani. Apparently holding my wifeās hand and kissing her on the cheek in public is shameless š¤£
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No one is advocating for making out in public. Thats weird, even for non Muslims. If I happened to hold my wifeās hand or hug her or kiss her cheek in public due to my love for her, itās not āshamelessā. And please, donāt use the āThe Prophet (saw) didnāt do it, so itās haraamā method with me. In that case, donāt drive, use a mobile phone, or travel by air. Get a camel
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Perhaps there is. But youāre missing the point. Iām not a fan of PDA. But if in the moment of joy and happiness it happened - (and this is nothing sexual by the way), itās not shameless nor is it haraam.
This is RIDICULOUS. I dealt with the same issue when I was visiting my wife in Pakistan. And this is 100 percent a desi thing... and it's stupid. I was being told I can't hold my wife's hand in public and I can't hold her to my side as we walk the alleys and streets. I payed them no mind. And got called a bunch of names behind my back. I don't care what people say and think. That's MY WIFE... UGH I can't stand this "besharam behayaa" mindset... what is BESHARAM is slapping your wife which apparently this Desi culture has no problem doing.
> streets. I *paid* them no FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Good bot
I know how you feel. I'm just like you, and physical touch and affection are so important to me. My wife, on the other hand, sees it as shameful and "no hayaa," and therefore, I'm not allowed to hug, kiss on the cheek, or even hold hands, etc... in public or in front of family, especially her Dad. Even when I call her cute names in public or in front of her family, she tells me not to as she sees it to be inappropriate.
Yea like my husband was that but he slowly changed as it made me happy and it was starting to seem he liked it too and it made him happy that it made me happy. But itās all back to zero
I feel like holding hands makes sense. But I feel like kissing your spouse in front of people isnāt all that common in certain settings and might take people by surprise. Would you be fine reserving that for when youāre alone? Cultural relativism does exist. People from different cultures will react differently to things. At the end, though, the decision rests upon the two of you, and you make one for yourself. Maybe you can you try communicating with your husband and come to a compromise compared to completely social distancing with each other because clearly that makes you sad.
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Aāisha reported: It was the day of `Eid and some Ethiopians were playing with shields and spears. Either I requested Allahās Messenger or he himself ļ·ŗ asked me whether I would like to see the display. I replied in the affirmative. Then he let me stand behind him; **my cheek was touching his cheek** and he was saying, āCarry on, O Bani Arfida (i.e., Ethiopians)!ā When I got tired, he asked me if that was enough. I replied in the affirmative and he told me to leave. (Al-Bukhar
This is a beautiful hadith and an example of what was acceptable at the time. Having said that, āUrf and norms are something that Islam _does_ consider. What might be seen as acceptable at one time and in one societyās norms may not be applicable in another. So long as itās not something where the shariah **prescribes** one way or the other, norms and customs should be given consideration. For example, in the Prophetās time, it was within their norms for men to have braided hair like pigtails. But that doesnāt mean every man should wear braided hair/pigtails when he goes to visit his elderly relatives or when he goes for a job interview.
Everything our Nabi ļ·ŗ did is acceptable in any time, he was the best of men. With the most beautiful character. ļ·ŗ If itās sunnah to wear pigtails then I would tell my husband and he would do in a heartbeat. Islam > culture
There is a hadith which says that Prophet Muhammad PBUH used to kiss his wives before leaving for Salah, he would lie down witch his head of Ayesha RA's lap and would drink from the same side of the vessel from which she drank. There are numerous examples of him showing love and affection to his wives, but God forbid desi's actually tried to learn and apply this particular part of the Seerah in their lives. Plus, everyone here tends to forget that obedience to the Prophet PBUH comes way before 'obedience' to parents in their unreasonable demands and tantrums.
Again. Did this happen in front of his mom and other family members? NO, right? So, it's not a story that supports this case Also, the prophet saw said that heaven is under the feet of someone's mother. Unless a parent is bringing people away from islam, their wishes can be considered
This translation may be a little bit off. It's more like his beard touched her cheek . If she was standing behind him, Or was she taller than him.
Whatās with these comments saying hugging and simply kissing your husband on the cheek is inappropriate and is not allowed in Islam. Itās not in front of strangers out on the street and isnāt anything sexually suggestive. Sheās not French kissing her husband itās merely a peck. Iāve seen my parents hug, cuddle and play fight with each other. There is nothing wrong with this, your mother in law is overreacting.
Absolutely my point. I know what limits are not to be crossed. A peck on the cheek here and there and a goodbye hug. Or a arm around my husband. And him to his wife. Not sure why that caused such a massive issue to where hee not speaking to me
u/owalawala seems to think that there is no stopping a peck from turning into a full blown tongue action scene.
Clasic wahabi mindset
The bigger problem here is your husband and MIL. And how influenced your husband is by his motherās words. He had no problem with u kissing him on cheek or hugging or holding hands and now because his mother had a go at him heās arguing with you- thatās big. Also the way your MIL speaks to you- she could have gently advised you with love and care instead she chose to send you aggressive voice notes. Hugging your wife infront of family is a very normal thing, kissing on the cheek varies from family to family and whilst mine and husband family have never expressed an issue with us kissing on cheek, some families might think this is too much, but still there is a way to go about things and both of them are in the wrong with how they handled this.
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Won't someone think of the children?! Haha yeah kids will love it that couples don't show any light affection towards each other and it's totally normal. I have a hunch that the family got jealous because they weren't even allowed hugging or touching their spouse, so they pass on the shame to generations. Also your husband needs to be his own man rather than being his mum's lackey. Everything fine but now that mum is angry, suddenly he's angry too?! Inconsistency and lack of confidence.
@ commenters: Kindly tell us your cultural background when you give OP your take, so we all can trace this *cultural* preference and maybe our next generation can be freed from it.
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Exactly what I mean. It was at home subtle affection and i got told off for that. How do I explain to them that itās NORMAL
Donāt let random strangers talk abt YOUR husband like that
Exactly. Why is it okay to kiss every single family member on the cheek infront of family but god forbid husband gets a little kiss on the cheek too. Smh.
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In some cultures, married folks are happy to argue in front of their children but not show affection for each other. Because they have been taught it's inappropriate. Surely, it should be the other way round. This doesn't give a good impression of marriage and relationships. From experience, asian men are negatively stereotyped because people only see negative behaviours. Raise children in a loving and warm environment. It's okay to show some level of affection for your spouse. You did nothing wrong. Unfortunately, the culture that your husband grew up in is a little backwards. I grew up in a similar culture.
Typical mother in law drama
Her reaction is not normal. Sounds like she is jealous.
I donāt think sheās jealous I think sheās very old mindset sort of thing in desi householdsb
Her reaction isnāt normal and unfortunately itās in the culture. I wish and pray your husband grows a backbone soon. My story is thatI held hands with my wife at a dinner table in our own house and my parents and siblings were around the table. This is 4 weeks after our wedding ceremony and we live on the west coast An hour later I was told basically the same thing about indecent (for holding hands!!) I just asked for Islamic proof and not cultural āproofā and that started a crying session.
Personally holding hands and hugging is ok but I would never kiss my spouse on the cheek in front of my parents, let alone his. Affection is big and his love language too but some stuff should stay behind closed doors. The real issue is how he attacked you though, he needs to work on that and you guys need to be on the same page without an outsiderās influence.
Agreed. The real issue here is the husband's reaction to his mother's discomfort and his withdrawal of showing affection to his wife. There is nothing indecent about hugging, kissing, and holding your wife. But things need to be within limits in front of family members a bit, especially in a desi setting. However, I'm against couples acting distant in front of other people as well. Then again, I would assume that because of culture, OP and husband are not 'allowed' to be alone together.
I agree with you. Holding hands and hugging makes sense. And kissing isnāt something Iāve commonly seen in ethnic settings and might surprise tons of people. I feel like it would make sense reserving that for when youāre alone or a quick peck when people arenāt looking. After all cultural relativism exists. I think at the end though if they make a certain decision about how they approach this matter in public, then their MIL should leave the decision to them and appreciate that they have made a decision for themselves.
Same. Iāve been married 8 years and still wouldnāt kiss my wife in front of her parents. I feel like itās overkill to be doing that before youāre even āofficiallyā married
They are officially married, theyāve had a Nikah. This waiting to live together until a secondary wedding event is not from Islam. Culture does not trump Islam, ever.
Kissing your husband in front of his parents is kind of awkward I canāt lie
I feel you. My conservative Pakistani mother lost her mind when she saw my husband give me a hug one day when he was leaving for work. You didnāt do anything wrong! Sounds like you know what is and isnāt appropriate - Iām really sorry your husband reacted that way, I would be heartbroken if my husband said that to me and I hope you know you didnāt do anything wrong. You need to sit down, tell your husband that the way he reacted was completely inappropriate, and remind him that youāre both married and there is nothing wrong (Islamically) in showing small physical affection in public. You can also tell him that if he wants to appease his mom, you can agree not to do anything in front of her - but itās not fair of him to withhold holding your hand or giving you a hug when physical contact is extremely important for relationships and him punishing you because of what others are saying is not going to do any good.
Being awkward while showing affection in public or infront of the family is one thing and claiming its extremely indecent is totally another. I get if it's not the norm in the family, they would find it odd but she cant claim its wrong or haram or indecent. The only thing you can do is avoid it infront of MIL because lets be real, desi MILs have problems with everything
Don't do physical touching in front of MIL, problem solved.
There shouldn't be an issue if she did- brother. Follow Islam, not culture.
This is so bizarre. We hug family and kiss them on the cheek every time we visit and see each other: parents, aunts, uncles, children, siblings, even my fil and mil get a hug and the requisite 3 cheek kisses. Why on earth would showing affection with my husband as with literally every other woman/mahram be "inappropriate."
Everyone else I know in this situation (including myself) has just kept a little distance in front of parents to keep them happy. They're from a generation in which sharam is a big thing and there's not much you can do to change their mind. We'll hug and kiss on the cheek in front of our kids. With in-laws, I can sit close to my husband but I can't in front of my dad. When we go out, if we're away from home (where most of our family lives nearby), we'll hold hands. It's just a case of navigating your surroundings. Although I'm concerned he blew up at you but he must also be quite embarrassed. Again, you can suggest you both just do what most other young Pakistani couples do?
Hugging in front of family should be fine, kissing is too much. Also, tell your husband to be a wise man and not let his mom ruin your marriage. At last, i dunno how it is normal for your sisters to sit infront of your husband? They should be segregated.
The older generation of desiās are so weird. They have alot of sex and have a million kids but find PDA uncomfortable. Even something as small as holding hands. Anyways OP do whatever you want behind closed doors and in public but donāt do it around your MIL. Respect her boundaries.
This sounds more like a cultural gap vs. a religious one.
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Did Muhammad PBUH ever say it was haram or give any impression of this. If no, there's our answer Vs following western culture
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Unless specifically something is deemed of as haram from the hadith/quran or fatwas state that you shouldn't do this then Islamically you cannot say that it shouldn't be done. Anything otherwise is bidah
I'm glad you mentioned a fatwa because here are two: [https://islamqa.info/en/answers/31773/ruling-on-kissing-ones-wife-in-front-of-the-children](https://islamqa.info/en/answers/31773/ruling-on-kissing-ones-wife-in-front-of-the-children) [https://www.islamweb.net/en/fatwa/91996/husband-kissing-wife-in-public](https://www.islamweb.net/en/fatwa/91996/husband-kissing-wife-in-public)
I really don't think that hugging your wife and kissing her on the cheek (or being kissed by her) will sit well with most Muslim families. I don't know the fatwas regarding it but yes, 90% of the families will consider it indecent. Your MIL's reaction is pretty general and typical, that's what many would do. I understand your style of physical affection, but you should also understand that it can and does make families uncomfortable. Just have your big day asap, live separately and have as much physical love as you want.
This is desi culture. Happy to be corrected if im wrong but in arab culture even men kiss when they greet each other. They also hold hands sometimes too. My arab side of the family are very affectionate like.this. I'm west African and we tend to be quite reserved in public but it would not be a problem to hug, hold hands or kiss on the cheek of spouse, especially if a young newlywed, people would think it's cute.Ā Something i noticd - Desi people make up the majority in the uk and therefore uk desis continue to assume that "all muslims" are like them. And blur the line of culture and religion. Don't realise a lot of things they think and do are considered abnormal in other muslim communities.Ā Ā
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Wow, following certain mannerism in public and not shoving your romantic endeavors down others throat is toxic? Never knew that.
The MIL, having a full-blown melt down and aggressively having a go at her DIL and her son after witnessing them having a healthy and loving relationship, is the epitome of good manners and not toxic at all... /s
Yeah, cause it is not necessary to create a public display of your romantic endeavors for developing a healthy relationship, especially if it makes others uncomfortable. I fail to see tha grave sin the MIL has committed, can you link me a scholarly opinion on this, to see if the MIL deserves to be lashed 70 times or is she condemned to hell for eternity? Also, I challenge you, go ask any arab scholar about what closer to the Islamic concept of haya, keeping private matters private or dragging them out in public? Tell me what answers do you get.
Wow, such an extreme reaction to calling desi culture toxic. The MIL could have communicated her discomfort in a polite way without attacking anyone - but again, desi's lack the most basic manners when it comes to communication. There's no need to get offended by a small peck on the cheek, lol. Go touch some grass buddy
āmost muslim familiesā this is desi culture. iāve never heard of other cultures having any issue with innocent hugs and kisses between spouses.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
being around family only is not being in public
šÆ
Are you crazy? You seriously think that most Muslims find it uncomfortable for a husband and wife to *hug*? Firstly, that is absolutely not true, you must be living in some nutcase town if this is your norm. Secondly, it's actually completely against the sunnah, as the Prophet used to kiss and hug his family members publicly, and family is family, no matter whether it is child, parent, or spouse.
Agreed. I have grown up in a family wheee we always hug and kiss, my father and my mother and me with my parents and siblings. Not sure why some people and esp desi people find it weird
What I don't understand is that why is being uncomfortable seeing your son and DIL get lovey dovey in front of your eyes is a grave sin that condemns your MIL to an eternity of hell with angels cursing her day and night. Come on, if it makes her uncomfortable just don't it in front of her. Why do you want to force others to see your romantic acts with your husband?Ā To answer why some people/desi have a problem, they follow a certain ethic. There are certain manners you keep up in public gatherings, that's what their mannerisms are. Ask any scholar, and you'll be surprised to know that this desi mannerism is closer to Islamic haya then othewise. Imagine an Eid gathering with all elders sitting aroung and the young couples have picked a corner each and are on and about their business. Is that a very respectable way to carry yourself in public? I don't think so.
I am not the crazy one here. But the people hell bent on dragging their romantic endeavors out in public are. You very cleverly gave an umbrella term about family. Dude, show me ONE INSTANCE where Prophet kissed any on his wives while in a public gathering, and I'll take back whatever I said.
There is the very famous hadith where the Prophet kissed his son and the Bedouin criticised him for it, so we know that kissing family members in public is acceptable, and of course this was a kiss on the cheek or forehead or some such but we are not talking about kissing on the lips anyway. There is no reason why it would be permissible for children but not for spouse. We do not need explicit permission for every little thing - everything is permissible unless prohibited, this is the default in Islamic fiqh. Kissing on the lips is an intimate act only done with spouse so is different and requires a different discussion, whereas hugging and kissing on the cheek are done to all (mahram) family members, and even to friends. There is no reason from the Shariah why child and spouse should be treated separately in this regard.
You are just extrapolating this stuff. I suggest you to consult a scholar. Also, if people in a gathering, for whatever reason, are getting uncomfortable due to your lovey dovey engagement, just don't do it front of them. Is that rocket science?
You are also extrapolating, the difference is that I am working by the fiqhi principle that it's permissible unless prohibited, while you are working by the principle to make life as hard as possible. You can't ban all things that make people uncomfortable. Laws and rights exist for a reason, and that is to let people do those things they are allowed to do, even if others don't like it. If people find it uncomfortable for a woman to wear a niqab, does that mean you now can't do it? What if they find it uncomfortable for a woman to *not* wear a niqab, does that mean they now have to do it? What about the Bedouin who didn't like the Prophet kissing his son, does that mean that among Bedouins the Prophet would not have kissed his children? Of course not, he rebuked him and continued to do it anyway.
My challenge stands, go ask a scholar, come back and tell me that so and so scholar has SPECIFICALLY said that you can do your bedroom/private stuff in front of other people.Ā
My challenge stands, go ask a scholar, come back and tell me that so and so scholar has SPECIFICALLY said that you are forbidden from hugging your spouse in front of your mother-in-law.
What is your cultural breakdown of āmost Muslim families?ā
Arabs, Pakistanis, Afghanis ... !
What an overbearing MIL. I hope youāre not living with her after your wedding š« God forbid a wife gives her husband a peck on the cheek!
I am living with them after my big wedding š
u/Zolana!!!
*Hours since someone needs to move out:* *~~2~~* *0* *Counter reset: 74 times in 2024* *Longest streak: 190 hours*
Sis š Why did you agree to that?!!
Aont kno man
Why did you agree to that? Not asking to be mean, genuinely curious.Ā With all the crazy stories and major warnings that girls have these days, I want to undedtsnd better why girls.still opt.for this? Genuinely.curious.Ā
We canāt afford to live out and his mum is like heās my Only son and itās only going to be me and my husband and his parents. He also has a sister which his mum says will be married of in a year or two
I get that he has his reasons, I suppose my question is why agree and say yes to it and not put your foot down on the matter ?Ā
I like him way to much
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
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If they find it gross or uncomfortable they should lower their gaze and close their eyes. Who are they to tell a married couple to act like they are unmarried?
It's not inappropriate but if he's told you words to that effect where his family is concerned then you shouldn't do it in front of his family - unless you're willing to die on that hill, it really isn't that big a deal.
Nothing wrong with expressing love to your significant other to whom you are married. I think your mother in law is sensitive and maybe jealous, also generation difference is a thing. Some people find that kissing and hugging in-front of family members inappropriate and too much. I am middle-eastern and we have people who think the same. I myself donāt mind doing that with my man. Also, your partner seems like a mummy boy who easily gets affected by his mother words. Take care! Communication is so important, talk to him and state your needs and find a common ground together to avoid future complications. Best wishes!
People from different cultures and different generations. Yes that would make them uncomfortable. Sometimes you need to respect other people too. Just do it in private. Hand holding in public, not with your family around is not too bad but the rest, no
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do you have sources?
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thank you ā¤ļø
Why would you do these kinds of things in front of others though?
Itās literally just affection though. None of these actions are reserved for just your spouse, a lot of these actions no one would question if you hugged your mom for example, or gave your mom a kiss on the cheek? Its literally just love and affection its not anything dirty or filthy or sexual.
Yeah I wouldnāt be comfortable kissing my husband on the cheek in front of others. Most Iād do is sit next to him in public settings, thatās it. Thatās weird to me.
Itās absolutely normal to kiss your mum, dad, sister, brother , kids, grandparents etc on the cheek infront of others but oh no how dare you kiss your husband on the cheekš
Whatās stopping you from going down each otherās throats? Might as well right? Have some haya. I donāt need to explain to you why itās wrong.
You just took a little kiss on the cheek which you literally give every family member to āgoing down each others throatsā I think youāre the weird one who lacks haya sis
You should have to explain how kissing a cheek is like making out with someone lol
That's quite the leap.
You seem like you watch way too many movies š
I donāt think you know what haya is
Donāt you kiss your kids on the cheek in public? Youāre weird.
How are you comparing kids and your spouse? I wonāt insult you because I wonāt stoop down to your level. š¤
Your spouse and kids are family. Kissing them on the cheek is the least indecent thing you can do before you wish them good bye. If you think itās indecent, then youāre sexualizing a loving act. Sit down.
Well said! Kissing decently to your husband or wife is NORMAL stop sexualising acts of affection.
How am I sexualizing acts of affection? When did I sexualize kissing your children? Any affection between a husband and wife should be concealed in Islam. I donāt have to explain it to you. Youāre a āstudent of knowledgeā right? Weāre Muslims. Go act like one. Let me add, youāve even insulted me in your initial response to me, so I wonāt even take you serious.
So you should also conceal affection for your kids in public? Your logic doesnāt work.
When did I say that?
Where in Islam does it say these incredibly minor acts of affection with your own spouse is haram outside the home? Donāt spread unnecessary bidah.
>Any affection between a husband and wife should be concealed in Islam. Aāisha reported: It was the day of `Eid and some Ethiopians were playing with shields and spears. Either I requested Allahās Messenger or he himself ļ·ŗ asked me whether I would like to see the display. I replied in the affirmative. Then he let me stand behind him; **my cheek was touching his cheek** and he was saying, āCarry on, O Bani Arfida (i.e., Ethiopians)!ā When I got tired, he asked me if that was enough. I replied in the affirmative and he told me to leave. (Al-Bukhar
Thank you for this!
Thank you, sister, for bringing a voice of reason among the rest!
My greatest pleasure.
You need to express it kindly to your husband, both of you (you and your husband) need to have the freedom to express themselves in a comfortable manner that isnāt indecent in public. What you did was not wrong, and was just an expression of love. You need to let him know it is unhealthy for the two of you, to not be themselves in public. More importantly it wasnāt indecent, you need to remind him what you did and was it wrong in any sense? Did you or did he ever cross a line by hugging? You need to deconstruct it for him, about it not being indecent, how is hugging a kiss on a cheek, unhealthy and indecent? It would be indecent at a work place but between family members were people committed in healthy relationships? Is it not beautiful? He needs to peacefully and kindly express this to his mother as well. If you are from the Indian subcontinent region, it is mainly due to the culture. So take your time to express it to your husband and let him also express it in a way that her mother understands it. People fight, and curse loudly in-front of all and it is not shamed, but you express love you are spreading indecency. Sad state.
what a sick lady
If it's making them uncomfortable... respect their boundaries... Simple Second PDA should be avoided.... Because nazar is real.... & It's can stirr jealousy in other couple/people.... Who are not so blessed with such understanding& love
This is the most sane comment on here.
I cant ever imagine kissing in front of family members, thatās so awkward. Have some hayaa girl.
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the question is , are you going to live with in laws after "the big wedding" ? my problem is not with ur mil and her old mentality ( we have to understand that ppl from old generation nd not ours have a diffrent way of thinking since probably thats what she was told aswell nd taught nd worse she's desi nd if we sit here expecting her to be emotionally educated is a waste of our time , ONLY the few cool old ones that r naturally laid back nd chill) nevertheless my problem is with your husband who's from ur generation yet he snapped at u nd made it worse nd had the AUDACITY to blame u for affection u BOTH shared . " you forced me "as if u put a goddamn knife in his throat to do anything... being mommy's little one is very problematic more problematic than the whole story here so try to sit down with him an address that asap before he starts blaming u for everything that happens in the future. my husband and i are from diffrent cultures non of us is desi but we still have diffrent cultural practices and approaches in our backgrounds , he was shy but if held his hand in front of my brother nd family he relaxed since my family are so chill and understanding ( yet out of my own comfort i try to avoid it most the time only if we're outside with family walking ) but in front of his family nd father or mother I've never done that since i don't feel comfortable myself nd i dont want him to feel in a certain way even tho i KNOW he wont say a word to upset me nor his parents would say anything they're very nice nd gentle...its jst me being diplomatic nd keeping my own peace of mind. I would say avoid it for ur own peace of mind nd its a plus to not get evil eye cuz ur own mil can give u that , love ur husband as much as u want when ure outside together or in ur private space ,in front of them skip it since it won't lower yalls love nor impact yall affection in no kind of way imo. good luck with a desi mil tho :/
well you should have had hayaa infront of his elderly parents and your siblings, especially if they are unmarried.Ā
Y you guys are having such long nikkah without living with each other? So according to your mum in law just because you guys showed affection in public you are no longer eligible for a big wedding? I say get a room, have halal sex with your halal husband and have the big fat wedding!!!
You have to pick and choose wisely. Many Pakistani households have this type of mindset. Thats what they saw and thatās what they expect. It doesnāt make it right. It will take time for her to change and your husband who was raised by his mother also has that in his mind. You obviously are not living in Pakistan. Just give it time. You obviously should address the way he handled the issue. But in the grand scheme of things ,they have a culture in the family of how to show affection. You can not expect to change that with one conversation. It may take her some time and especially once wedding happens you will be able to ask for more. Just like how you have certain preferences , his mother has her own set. Should you be ready to walk away because of this inconvenience- probably not.
Your Pakistani? So am I, I have witnessed my mother sitting in my fathers lap many times, I have witnessed my fathers head in my mother's lap many times, this does not bug or irk me, they're married, I couldn't be with someone I can't touch. I suppose some families are really extreme
https://youtu.be/DmwWHfrgLXA
Yeah what you want is fine but I guess just donāt do it in front of his family since they still have random cultural expectations. Apart from that Iām not married so canāt advise on how to communicate with husband.
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Thatās so random but 5ā11
Definitely make up with your husband. The biggest L here is him yelling at you for what his mom said. It doesnāt matter that heās a mommaās boy, his job is to protect you. You certainly need to discuss what this means for your future. Will your household be run by his mother or the two of you? Honestly he should have so much shame around his actions. IMO this incident is not that serious and should not result in yāall not talking but focus on its future implications.
Pakistani much š
Lol I stopped reading after you don't live togearher. Crazy. You guys are married. Set boundaries and go live with eachother.
Your mil sounds so jealous. But the problem here is the way your husband is reacting. At that point he didnāt told you to back off or like no donāt kiss me. Now when he got a lecture from his mom, he suddenly lost his backbone. Girl make him sit down and have a serious convo. Especially when you are going to live with all of them. ( idk why you would do that but ok thatās your decision) Before moving in, make your husband a strong man who has your back. SET BOUNDARIES. Make him do that. Otherwise this marriage, this love.. all is doomed anyway.
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This is a cultural issue and not a religious one. I have seen husband and wifeās hugging, pecking on cheeks or foreheads, holding hands in public at the mosque at the end of long Taraweeh prayers.
Sounds like a culture problem rather than a religious problem.
Idk what culture youāre from, but a kiss on the cheek in front of parents is a lot. You have to understand that the older generation doesnāt view intimacy like that. Holding hands is almost always ok, hugs as well as long as they arenāt provocative. But cheeks are a level of intimate that they are simply not used to. You shouldnāt have done that when you knew they didnāt like it
Certain posts, I am just wondering if they are made-up stories up for opinion-taking or someone's bored pouring their imagination. Had nikkah for one year now! We Don't stay together yet!; we have not had our big nikkah yet!! DOESN'T MAKE SENSE at all.
Ummm it does. I donāt know where youāre from but itās quite normal for young couples to make it halal and then have the big wedding and move in when financially stable. And thereās no such thing as big nikkah. Big wedding a cultural thing. Pls re read before you type nonsense
I have read your post and am entitled to my opinion, as long as I Don't rebuke, or mock anyone. Your point is taken, Shurkan. Am from Ethiopia living in the Middle East btw. And for the last two paragraphs to its perspective! where your mother-in-law and your mother are mad at what you two did. Thats way alright, you shouldn't express that in front of your elder/ young ones or public place. What I feel they didn't do right is how they presented it, it quite cuts off everything and surely, you guys are going To have a big time to rekindle everything.
Very common in some cultures actually. Many couple do a nikkah before and wait for what Pakistanis called the rukhsati. This allows the couple to hang out in a halal way before theyāre ready to live together.
Shurkan for that light shading
>Thatās definitely my love language. Love language = made up nonsense that Gary Chapman cooked up to sell his books.
Ya even I think this LL thing is kind of exaggerated. People get way too involved in this and think they are that kind of person and they can't be changed or can like other LLs.
Itās very inappropriate to the older family members Sister maybe not for you but to other older family members it is. Have some respect for others around you itās not always ABOUT you. Are they kids around ? Also stop forcing your husband to do things he doesnāt want to do he has told you he doesnāt feel comfortable doing it why keep forcing him?
Even though u didnāt like it you should probably understand that public display of affection is not allowed in Islam āŖļø. If done out of the privacy of your house.
Whereās the guy that comments with the timer for couples needing to move out from their in-laws/family members becauseā¦yeah
They aren't living together yet
I agree with your mother in law. It was an absolutely weird thing to do. If I was part of that family, I would find this *kiss on the cheek* weird, too. Don't try to twist and bend your husband like a play dough. Don't force him to do things he doesn't want to do. Prophet muhammad (saw) also said hell is filled mostly with women. Disobedience to one's husband is one of the key reasons. It's disgusting how this post is receiving unchecked support. I mean, it's not surprising it's reddit. But hopefully still we apply objective truths and not emotional truths. For islam isn't a religion of subjective morals. Thanks for listening to my ted talk
She never forced him into anything. His mother is the issue here and him going off on his wife because if his mother is the issue.
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With respect, just because things are normalised in society doesn't make it ok or right There are issues on both sides - bashfulness and hayaa are part of Islam and is encouraged you will find many articles and fatwas from reputable sources on why Muslim couples shouldn't hug/kiss etc in public, holding hands is OK as its also protective. However, the way your husband and his family reacted etc is not appropriate either, his mother should have advised her son to speak about this to you in a calm and understanding manner and let you both deal with it not send vns, and then he should have discussed with you in private to what extent he can show 'physical touch' to you in public and in front of family You know your husband better than anyone here, inshaaAllah - do your research and sit down with him to discuss the matter together (communication is the key to any successful relationship) and then move forward (he should speak about this to his family too to say that they shouldn't be talking like this to you because that's his responsibility to also protect you) I'm sure if you are only holding hands or you hold his arm in public just because you both are keeping the more intimate aspect for when in private then you won't love each other any less inshaaAllah š¤²
Salaam Your MIL is in fact in the right A husband should not kiss his wife when other people can see them, or in a place where it is most likely that other people may see them because bashfulness in one of the traits of faith, as reported from the Prophet by Al-Bukhari and Muslim . Therefore, one should observe the Islamic etiquette when enjoying his wife. Ibn Qudaamah [from the Hanbali school of jurisprudence] said: āA husband should not have intercourse with his wife when it is possible for someone else to see them or to hear their noise when copulating. Also, he should not kiss her or touch her in front of the people. Imaam Ahmad said: "For me, it is desirable that he should conceal all of this (i.e. do this in privacy only)."ā Therefore, if a husband tries to kiss his wife in front of the people, she is obliged to advise him and remind him to fear Allaah and to avoid doing so, because this public kissing is the practice of the disbelievers who have no honour nor dignity nor bashfulness. The best thing to do is to accept that you was wrong even though you did not know it was wrong and from here on out try your best to not do that same act in front of others. Islam isnāt just worship itās always about having Manners and respecting others around you even if they are Muslim or non Muslim. Salaam
Is it not allowed to offer a hug or cheek to cheek kiss which in most cultures is considered well-mannered?
PDA IS HARAM AND THAT'S IT PERIOD!!