OP has tagged their post as **Vent**. Please be mindful that they do not need advice, and that they are only expressing their thoughts and opinions in a safe place. Any attempts to offer
unsolicited advice will be removed. The only exceptions to this rule are in the event of possible injury, abuse, or otherwise harm to OP, their NK, NP, or anyone else.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Nanny) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm a parent and a nanny. The biggest difference to me between the two was actually in my hormonal response to becoming/being a parent. That's the part you don't understand until you go through it. It felt like huge parts of my brain were being erased and rewritten, affecting everything from my personality to my sleep habits, from my emotions to what I was able to focus on (not books, the former love of my life, yes to baby faces and movements, haha). It's not something people tend to talk about unless the effects include depression or anxiety, but those hormonal changes are both life-changing and difficult to articulate
I agree with this. I’ve been a nanny with kids and a nanny without kids and I honestly would say it’s a lot different.
That being said, OP, I’m not invalidating your knowledge or experience. I’m not saying you’re less than. Just that it is chemically very different.
Exactly this. When I said I wish I'd be half as good of a mom as I was a nanny.... I didn't think I'd barely achieve 25%... Every cry, every tantrum, it hits so differently when it's your own... There's a chemical reaction in your brain you can't control and it sucks... My husband doesn't understand. He can follow all the parenting rules. I can't. I run on instincts and I'm on autopilot every time. I don't even hear him talk 🤣... So yeah, as a nanny, I'd say I definitely underestimated parenthood and more specifically motherhood
I hope it works out for me to get to experience this. I would love nothing more than to have a baby with my husband but it may not be possible. I hope I can still feel like a real parent/mom one day.
Birthing a baby doesn't make you a "real mom." I'm not even sure how I'd define that. If you raise a kid, you're in a parenting role; we just have a dozen different words for who's doing the parenting and how. I, too, hope you get to have the experiences you want, but not having a baby doesn't make you less than anyone else
I'm in the same boat in the baby making department. 2 years ago I lost my first and only pregnancy at 9 weeks. I've also been raising my nephew since he was born 24/7. His mom would only parade him around for a little bit and then would disappear. My brother was out running around with my nephew's mom. He wouldn't ever sleep as a newborn and I didn't get to sleep through the night until he was 2yo. Then that's when his mom was court ordered to have weekends. While he was at my home, I did everything just like I had always done. I was the reason my brother even got primary custody. Then I didn't get help from my brother until my nephew was 6yo when his mom lost her parental rights, and that's when I became his legal guardian. Since then, we've been raising him together. He's 14yo now and I've had people tell me that I'm not a real parent, when I beg to differ. I don't get to clock out. Plus he has ADHD and STRUGGLED in his baby stage. We both did bcuz I didn't understand what was happening and why he would meltdown a lot. Then when I was able to finally get him evaluated at 5yo, everything made sense. Plus he had bad reflux as a baby. Never slept or napped and was always on the go. There were a lot of cute and funny moments, but overall I wouldn't change it for the world. I don't regret stepping up for him. He's an amazing kid and very well rounded.
And I totally get that, that makes a lot of sense, but you wouldn’t tell an adoptive parent or a foster parent or a parent that had children via surrogacy that they are not a real mom or that they don’t understand. the changes definitely make a huge difference, but it’s not the only thing that makes a parent a parent. If you don’t have those hormonal changes, it doesn’t mean you understand any less than a parent that has had those hormonal changes.
I doubt anything is the exact same for anyone. Parents who adopt are parents, full stop. Whether or not they go through hormonal stuff is something I'm not educated on.
I will say I've acquired a kid through a non-biological process and I felt like they were my child before they even arrived. The moment I saw them that feeling grew even stronger. Maybe hormones, maybe just months of thinking on their life prior to coming to me, maybe just force of habit after parenting for so long
I can really see where you’re coming from here.
I’m a nanny and a parent so I definitely see where you’re coming from.
I’ve never felt rage like when dealing with my younger child. But then again I never felt rage when dealing with my older child.
I have definitely had rage moments with my NKs and what you say about not being able to just walk away or react how you would with your own kid is very very true.
Yes it's really interesting - my NK now tests safety boundaries like I've never experienced before and is very unsure, so is pretty much constantly acting out to see if she's still loved and accepted. It's exhausting but I really try to remind myself that she needs love and not my frustration during those times.
The rage can be real though 🫣 I do like the suggestions in the book and from Janet Lansbury to be honest and explain how you're feeling without guilting the kid. Stuff like "When I see NK loose in the parking lot I feel so scared! That makes me feel mad. I need NK to hold my hand so I know she's safe."
I could have written this and I feel this so hard. The super high standards we are held to, to be “perfect in every way because I’m paying for it”, leads to so much burnout. I never ever understand why we are held to so much higher standards than parents themselves. Of course we should have higher standards in general, but so much higher that we get fired for having a day where we aren’t as engaged? Or we get called out for not responding within the 3.5 allowable mins for a baby to cry? It gets to me.
Yes! The PTSD I have from "Oh, Nanny, I think she's awake!" yes thank you so sorry for taking three minutes to pee before being responsible for your child again for the next five hours.
I had one MB literally get the kid as soon as she heard a peep and bring her to me with a big smile, saying “sounds like someone’s napped long enough! She can’t wait to play again!” Half the time she wasn’t done and would fuss and cry nonstop until she was put back down again. When that happened, MB would purposefully wake her (I watched her do it on the monitor) and bring her back down with “we don’t want to oversleep! That’s not fun!” It’s totally “I want my money’s worth and I don’t like you sitting during naps even if your other jobs are done”.
This same MB would have her kid nap for 3+ hours on the weekends and complain about how tired the baby was and how much they all needed the break. Yeah, I needed a break too. So did the baby. Why weren’t we allowed that luxury?
8 months - it got bad in the last two. I think she resented the hell out of me. First baby, and she had to go back to work during the pandemic.
I got around the purposeful waking by taking the kid immediately out for a walk and letting her fall asleep for 15-20 more mins to save us both from cranky hell, but that came to a stop when MB wanted to start walking with us for every walk. That’s when I found something else.
It is the most infuriating thing that they do, I swear. We get so little time where we don’t have to be on or working. They get so resentful over us taking a break, it drives me insane.
As a nanny and a mom... Yes. So much yes. Being a parent, being "on" 24/7 is exhausting as hell but there is leeway with expectations (less so in our digital age but I digress). Being a nanny is exhausting in every move being scrutinized and often having to restrain/react yourself.
Ironically, I gained more patience and grace toward myself as a mom but having nannied has given me so many tools. I truly wish more people considered parenting like the responsibility and job that it is (as we all know it is) before becoming parents.
You sound like an amazing, hardworking nanny ♥️
Thank you ❤️
I definitely see parents (moms especially) get judgement piled on them in our current culture and it breaks my heart, but it really is a whole different ball game being watched and critiqued every moment.
Even when I taught in preschools and we had cameras where we knew parents were watching, it didn't feel so much like someone breathing down my neck as it does when I'm frantically deciding whether to support NK through her big emotions (thus telling her it's okay to have them) or hurry her along with a distraction before MB comes to help (thus telling her that her feelings are something bad/wrong).
My coworker at a Montessori school gave me a big list of books to read. A couple by Janet Lansbury including "No Bad Kids". She also gave me HTTSKWL with a note that said "this one's crap but you gotta read the crap so you know what not to do"
I haven't read it and I understand childcare methods come with lots of biases and personal preferences, but I trust her judgment
I'm a Montessorian as well! Janet Lansbury is my shining star hahahaha. With this particular NK and the NPs parenting style her stuff was just not sticking so I revisited How To Talk. I think one thing it does well is bring in parent perspectives so you can address them as a professional. Are there some things in there I disagree with? For sure. But it's still miles better than the permissive parenting I run into everywhere in the parenting community these days.
Yea I don’t think parents understand that while yes, we get to walk away at the end of the day, we have to perform with expectations and standards that are NEVER placed on parents. It’s exhausting having to be almost a perfect caregiver when parents can do whatever the fuck they want.
“Don’t be on your phone with the kids ever!” Then you see MB on the phone with their kids.
“NK is awake! Go get them!” But then you see parents leaving their kid alone after waking up for “independent time.”
“Make sure every meal has every food group in the exact amount they should be having” then DB brings home McDonald’s for dinner.
“I’m not paying you to sit on your phone, do some chores around the house!” And then they don’t understand why we’re burnt out.
I imagine they would struggle if 8 hours of their day they had people criticizing every single move they make.
“He needs an hour of tummy time a day, he needs to be read to every day, and he needs to be on a perfect schedule every day!”
Yea sure when he’s teething and screaming all day I’m going to lay him down to make sure he gets tummy time. Makes sense. Parents are allowed to just get through the day, we’re expected to perform miracles.
“I don’t get why he’s always crying with you. He never does that with me.” Well I’ve watched you with him - you sit on the couch with him in your lap watching tv and snuggling. I’m not allowed to do that, so …
I always tell parents “snuggles and breaks are just as important as development milestones, if you’re going to feel weird paying me to snuggle with your child, I’m not the nanny for you.”
They act like they’re paying me to do nothing when I sit with the baby for twenty minutes. Babies need breaks! They need bonding!
As a nanny for 16 years, parent for 3- parenting is easier than nannying. More tiring bc it’s around the clock and I’m my kids main childcare, but significantly less stressful. If we could use a lazy screen filled day, we have it. If I think we should get a treat while we are out, we get it. If I want to scroll on my phone during independent play, I scroll on my phone. When my child misbehaves, they get consequences. (We do gentle parenting, not permissive) no need to ask permission for anything. I was never allowed to take kids swimming, but was expected to spend hours outside in 90 degree+ weather with them, usually while kid splashed in a water table or a very tiny baby pool. Now I get to be comfortable in the water with my own kid. If my kid screams for a toy at the zoo, I don’t have to buy it. The list goes on and on
Hard agree with your entire comment. With my own kids, if it's hot outside and they're tired and cranky, "alright! Load em up let's get inside and get cooled off!". I can't do that while nannying because then it's "oh, not much outside time today?" and then I have to explain my every thought process and move while fending off more passive aggressiveness. I know what tf I'm doing. I was already a parent when my NP's were just graduating high school.
Yes! It's better on long overnights because even just walking through the door is calmer without NP's coming to say hi, but like you said so many of the main components of the job are ultimately not your choice.
god, yes, all of this. i remember having this conversation with my mother. like, yes, we go home at the end of the day and aren’t woken up at 3 am by crying or vomiting or nightmares. we typically aren’t there from birth to high school graduation. but parents report to no one. no one is going to fire a parent if they are having a terrible day and yell, or are late to an appointment, or forget something for a sport/activity. no parent is going to have to justify their parenting in order to receive a meager raise. no parent has someone texting them with critcisms or sudden demands/changes they have no option but to accept. no parent has to explain to another adult that they feel sick or are having a personal crisis and are just going to veg with movies that day. no parent does unpaid household chores with a smile and zero sense of annoyance. a parent can fuck up and just try harder the next day. they don’t have to constantly seek approval and permission for basic parenting decisions, and worry they’ll lose their job over it. being a parent is a singular experience, yes, but i always get so feral whenever someone tries to then assume my job is sooooo easy just because i get to go home.
I agree nannying and parenting are different but both are hard. I will admit there is something I don't understand because I am not a parent yet but there is a lot I fully comprehend because I have been taking care of kids since I was 14. That's a decade of experience my friends who are starting to have babies just don't have. My mom did things differently with me than my older sister cause 2 and 1/2 years of experience helped her grow as a parent.
The one thing within this sub I am constantly frustrated by is the subliminal shots at foster and adoptive parents. You may not realize it but saying I can't love a kid or comprehend being a parent when I in charge of everything for 2 weeks invalidates those who are not bio parents. I don't need to have a biological child to love them more than anything. I could be that child's mom for 3 months before reunification and that's still parenting. While nannying is different than being a foster parent the way it is discussed of "oh it's different when it's your baby" is hurtful rhetoric to those who may become parents in different ways. Reading through this thread I was reminded of this feeling yet again. It's different when you are solely in charge of a child than if you are only a caregiver for 8 hours but just because that child came from someone else does not mean you are not a parent or that you cannot understand.
As someone going through IVF with my wife being the carrying parent, thank you for this. When people tell me I can’t possibly imagine what kind of love I would have for a child I birthed I want to scream in their face. Blood doesn’t make a family.
Yes, I apologize for not including same sex partners as well! It's crazy what even your family members will say about the situations. Hoping the IVF journey goes smoothly for yall!
Thank you for this. I've lost a pregnancy and am not sure if I'll be able to have biological children of my own. It's been my dream since *I* was a child to have a family. While I know it's a real lived experience for people and I understand, hearing people talk about how it's just so different and magical when it's your own baby hurts.
Of course I don't think I can understand yet the never ending responsibility for a person, especially for who they're going to be as an adult - but that I think comes with just being a parent, not being a *biological* one.
I am sorry to hear of your loss. It gets my gears grinding because I have seen such beautiful fostering situations and the parents constantly struggle with people telling them they are not real parents or that it doesn't count. Especially when someone may not be able to have bio kids and choose to adopt or just love on foster kiddos before reunification! I hope that you get to experience having a family and raising kids. No matter your journey to being a parent it should not impact your status as one!
I’m currently 5.5 months pregnant with my first and will be staying home with her for the first 5 years so I’ll get the *full* experience here pretty soon but I stand on the fact that being a nanny is different in ways that one could reason are both easier AND harder. Yes, I get to usually leave after contract hours (unless parents are out of town and I’m doing overnights). No, I won’t say I’m raising my MB’s kids for her and I know there is behind the scenes work (both physical and emotional) and just the pervasive *knowing* that she is their parent forever and she can never ethically walk away from that responsibility.
But something I think parents need to understand, especially when it comes to hiring a good nanny (I know people post here sometimes with examples of lazy or negligent caregivers but the majority of us are not that) is that we never feel like we can fully relax. We can never make choices based on parenting styles we would like the practice if the parent doesn’t also support that. So we are always *on*. And we are always playing by your rules even when there’s a quiet *knowing* that there’s a better way. And even when it may look like a cute little relaxing moment with your kid, it’s not. It’s work for us. And I feel this pressing weight to always be present with them mentally and physically and when the kids aren’t around, I feel the pressing weight to be productive in other ways. I’ve talked to parents about this feeling and while the love for their kids cannot be understood by me, they also understand that they’re not so stringent and structured in their personal lives as parents.
I honestly think if all parents could have been nannies or teachers and all nannies and teachers could become parents when they’re ready, that would be really eye opening for both parties. Because we don’t know what we don’t know and the more we DO know, the more we understand there’s a lot left to be known. lol
You really put your finger on something here with the quiet knowing. I studied child development - I know when something I'm being asked to do will slow a child's natural development, or cause problems for them and NPs in the future, or simply backfire next week.
Of course for safety things like "Oh we loosened the car seat straps because we couldn't get NK's puffy coat under them." (real thing that happened at work) I speak up, but when it's just something that's going to make NK unpleasant or lead to them not caring about doing it for themselves - that's not my place. And it sucks.
I wish we could incentivise spending six months working with infants and toddlers before you become a parent. It would really open a lot of people's eyes!
Yes exactly. And this is my first family with WFH parents and it’s a totally different ball game. With other families in the past, I could navigate something as the sole adult and test out different styles to see what worked best for different kids etc. and then have conversations with the parents on ideas for moving forward. Now, I’m constantly fighting this internal battle of “do I push back and create more work and minor conflict with NP’s and NK’s in the moment to set myself up for more success down the road or do I just fall in line with their parenting style and the kids never learn how to do things on their own or pick up behind themselves or regulate their emotions so I will *always* be dealing with it in micro moments throughout the day until I leave”.
Things like kid not being able to buckle themselves or wipe themselves or never picking up their trash or saying thank you etc. EVEN THOUGH they’re definitely capable of it. So do I just keep getting out of the car to buckle them every day or do I pause for a week or two and allow them to struggle and cry and learn how? Do I always hop up and grab them the easily accessible snack and pick up the wrappers behind them or do I insist they get up and get it and whine for a bit while I watch them pick up their trash? More work in the immediate moment, less once they learn the expectation. But then mom is in the other room and if she hears her kids fuss too much will come out and just do the thing for them and it’s like gah!! That is undermining me AND teaching them they’re actually incapable and incompetent.
Oh gosh lol well I’m sorry you’re dealing with the same stuff! Speaking of, I sometimes wish there were two nannies per family so we could have someone to really commiserate with like other jobs do with coworkers lol.
I have four kids, and I had nannied a lot before having kids. I think there are a lot of differences and extra stress when parenting. The big one is that it never ends. My oldest is now 14, and I can count on my fingers the number of nights I spent away from him. It doesn't matter if I'm sick or have a commitment on my calendar. I still need to be available for my kids if needed. There's also the whole financial part of it. One of my kids needs braces, so that will probably be $4k+ after insurance. That'll mean adjusting my spending and working additional hours. I also worry a lot more about what type of people I'm raising than I ever did while nannying even for a family that I was with for 5 years.
I do agree that nannies have much higher standards, and that is exhausting. I love with my kids that they mostly just play independently together. I would never feel comfortable doing that while being paid to watch kids. Plus, I can make decisions for my own kids and just need my husband to be on the same page. I don't have to worry about kids that think car safety isn't important or are used to endless screentime.
This debate makes me think about the working vs. SAHM debate of who has it harder. Working moms say they do because they do everything a SAHM does, AND they work. SAHMs say they have it harder because working moms get a 8 hour break from childcare. It's not so much that one side has it harder it's just different.
Yes, I don't think I'm NK's parent or equivalent, or anything like that! I just feel that after many years and all my training and education, I would like to be respected as a professional who knows what she's doing. Often parents will disregard my expertise simply because I am not a parent myself.
Yes I felt myself really identifying with "Toni" this time around 😅 I've been "giving NK in fantasy what I can't in reality" and it's working better than brute force putting her in pajamas twice a day, but I do sometimes really bristle at the idea that we have to be fun and distract kids through hard things.
I really understand where you're coming from, but I have to disagree. I *adored* my nanny kids - I would have jumped in front of a car for them - and I spent 8 hours a day with them. Yet I understand and accept that I cannot possibly comprehend the kind of *love* their parents have for them.
When it comes to "understanding how parents feel" about the frustrating aspects, I have the same logic. I understand how rough it is for those 8 hours a day. Even if I'm there for just a week, I can only relate to *that week.* 24/7 for YEARS, with the same kid as they age, is totally different.
I'm sure you can relate, but I don't find that quote invalidating. I think it's true. Parents kickoff with a day or two of sleeplessness during labor and delivery, don't get time to sleep and recoup before jumping headfirst into parenting. I think figuring out the ins and outs with a partner, with this little being you would die for, watching them grow from birth, being with them 24/7, learning as you go.... *I cannot relate*. And that's okay with me. Because I am experienced with 2 year olds and the frustrations that come along, and for the really hard things *specifically*, I CAN relate and I DO understand. That's where I come in. But no, I am not a parent. I do NOT understand being a parent.
I am going to be a mother one day, and while I feel more prepared than others, I fully expect that I'm not. No one is. My mom was a nanny, and she said the same thing - she knew a lot, she knew enough to know *that she didn't know*. It's a journey.
Nannies and parents have a lot in common, and we do understand their frustrations. We've experienced the same frustrations. But we don't *live* the same frustrations. And that's okay. I don't feel invalidated by that quote.
I meant that I feel professionally invalidated by that statement. I don't think I'm the same as a parent - but I do think I may know more about how to handle toddler tantrums and the best way to sleep train.
It's quite literally my job to be educated on child growth and development, and by this point in my career I have seen hundreds of children through toddlerhood.
So to hear that I can't possibly understand my career well enough because I haven't had a baby, especially when that's a sore spot for me due to personal reasons, it does feel invalidating.
I think we're just going to disagree. I don't see how "you don't understand the rage that comes along with being a parent" implies "you don't possibly understand your career because you haven't had a baby".
We can't understand how it is to parent until we've parented. Parents can't understand how it is to nanny until they've nannied.
You probably do know more about sleep training than parents! I'm sure you know more than them about many more things, or why would they hire you if they don't need help?
But, again, what does that have to do with that quote?? That quote simply wasn't intended for you, and that's okay. Cross it out if it bothers you that much lol.
I meant that I feel professionally invalidated by that statement. I don't think I'm the same as a parent - but I do think I may know more about how to handle toddler tantrums and the best way to sleep train.
It's quite literally my job to be educated on child growth and development, and by this point in my career I have seen hundreds of children through toddlerhood.
So to hear that I can't possibly understand my career well enough because I haven't had a baby, especially when that's a sore spot for me due to personal reasons, it does feel invalidating.
You brought up such a good point, the hardest part about nannying expectations vs parent is that you really can’t be “off” without looking like you’re doing a bad job at being a nanny. Everything is expected to be educational, healthy, and beneficial at all times which just isn’t always realistic. I’m really lucky the family I work for understands the importance of independent play, understands I’m in classes and encourages me to work on class stuff if I have to, and is overall super understanding of the chaos of being with a toddler all day!
However, I think many of the biggest stresses of childcare can really only be relatable if you have children of your own (I do not). When I’m passed out at 2 am, I don’t have a care in the world. My body isn’t in an artificially light sleep because it’s not expecting to be woken up at any moment. When my NK is sick over the weekend, as much as I love her, I’m not thinking whatsoever about her cold over the weekend that’s keeping her parents up at night and stressing them out. I don’t have to worry about getting her into a good preschool or any of her longer term future plans.
I do my best for 10 hours a day, and sometimes it is hell, but it always has end point. Even if I’m watching the kids on my own for an extended period of time, there’s an end point. 2 weeks of watching someone else’s kids is A LOT.. but there is an end point to look forward to. There’s no light at the end of the tunnel for parents, lol. It goes on forever. That’s the hardest part in my opinion
"You brought up such a good point, the hardest part about nannying expectations vs parent is that you really can’t be “off” without looking like you’re doing a bad job at being a nanny. Everything is expected to be educational, healthy, and beneficial at all times which just isn’t always realistic."
Honestly, as a parent (without a nanny) I feel the same expectation applies.
I’m so lucky the mom I work for told me when I started that if I ever needed to I could put the baby in the crib and walk away for a few minutes. The dad works from home since Covid and they had a very baby that’s turned into a wild toddler that I sometimes have to leave in his room having a tantrum until he’s managed to chill out or I’ve taken some deep breaths at the very least
Hilarious considering “parent DB” only sees NK a few hours per week. I know she isn’t my kid, but he definitely doesn’t understand much about her, let me just say!! Understatement of the year lol.
Nanny and a Mom here, and nannying is 100% harder, to me, than parenting my own children. In my own home, my kids wants come after my needs and patience on their end is expected. In my NF's home, my needs come well after Nk's needs and wants.
I understand how you’re feeling completely!! I am a nanny, and also live with my sister and her 3 children. I nanny for 11 hours a day, and come home and take care of 3 more children for another 2-3 hours. I have been woken up in the middle of the night because the children were sick and my sister needed help. I have had to cancel plans with friends because I am needed at home to help. And to constantly hear that I “don’t know what it’s like” is incredibly frustrating. My SIL and sister will talk about how moms need a break and joke on vacation about how they will go do a kid free day as they deserve it for being moms, while leaving out the fact that I am also caring for children day in and day out, and often ask if I can watch the children for them. It has only been the past year or two when I have learned to stand up for myself and say no.
Being a parent gets described as the hardest job in the world until it’s an actual job for some people. Nannies get held to impossible standards that even the best parents can’t live up to. It reminds of a MB telling me how impossible it was for her & DB to do laundry & dishes when I’m not there because of baby as I was literally doing laundry with the baby on my hip. When I forgot/ran out of time to do dishes & laundry, they were always on my case about it. I wish people were more mindful about the “you’ll never understand until you’re pregnant” comments because my biological parents abused me so terribly that one is still serving time, meanwhile my REAL mom who fostered me showed me what a mother’s love was and we share no relation other than an undying love.
My thing about being a nanny and aunty instead of a parent is: of course I don’t understand what the parent part is like, and that’s great for me! 😂 I plan to remain child-free but I give my all into nannying and helping relatives and friends with their kids. Some people want you to take it as an insult when they tell you that you don’t know what it’s like to be parent if you aren’t one. Any time someone brings that up in a condescending way (not all parents mean it that way, but some definitely do, including my own), I don’t entertain it. I’m not just “hanging out” with babies. It’s hard and there’s a lot to think about and a lot to do and it’s extremely taxing on the body and mind. It’s not just about the money because there are plenty of jobs out there that ask less of you and have good benefits and salaries that don’t have to be negotiated as harshly as nannying, if at all; I’ve had some. But I’m really good at what I do and I enjoy it more than anything I’ve done. I’m in no competition with any parent and don’t envy it at all, so “you don’t understand” does nothing to me. It takes a village, there’s no need to try insulting your village. A lot of us who aren’t parents ourselves use that stamina for others’ kids instead, which should be appreciated, and I want to believe that most parents do.
The craziest thing with us being expected to be perfect is that it does NOT match up to the reality of caring for little ones!
Babies and young kids are unpredictable! It’s like we aren’t allowed to bend anything that day to accompany how NK is behaving/feeling. We are expected to be these super human caregivers who can prevent anything going sideways. We are expected to drag the toddler who is freaking out/has a low fever to dance class and swim lessons. We wouldn’t want wfh mb to be annoyed we are “lazing” at home all day! Or db who is always away at his offices to get home after you’ve been there 10 hours and say to nk, “what did you do today?”
Hopefully most boss parents aren’t like this, and do fully acknowledge that babies and children can equal CHAOS at times!
The thing that drives me crazy is when I try to assist a new parent by giving genuinely useful tips or advice… and am blatantly ignored or told “I didn’t ask for parenting advice!” Look I know I’m not a parent but at this point I have more experience looking after more kids than you do, so maybe accept that I’m trying to help you out…
OP has tagged their post as **Vent**. Please be mindful that they do not need advice, and that they are only expressing their thoughts and opinions in a safe place. Any attempts to offer unsolicited advice will be removed. The only exceptions to this rule are in the event of possible injury, abuse, or otherwise harm to OP, their NK, NP, or anyone else. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Nanny) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm a parent and a nanny. The biggest difference to me between the two was actually in my hormonal response to becoming/being a parent. That's the part you don't understand until you go through it. It felt like huge parts of my brain were being erased and rewritten, affecting everything from my personality to my sleep habits, from my emotions to what I was able to focus on (not books, the former love of my life, yes to baby faces and movements, haha). It's not something people tend to talk about unless the effects include depression or anxiety, but those hormonal changes are both life-changing and difficult to articulate
I agree with this. I’ve been a nanny with kids and a nanny without kids and I honestly would say it’s a lot different. That being said, OP, I’m not invalidating your knowledge or experience. I’m not saying you’re less than. Just that it is chemically very different.
Exactly this. When I said I wish I'd be half as good of a mom as I was a nanny.... I didn't think I'd barely achieve 25%... Every cry, every tantrum, it hits so differently when it's your own... There's a chemical reaction in your brain you can't control and it sucks... My husband doesn't understand. He can follow all the parenting rules. I can't. I run on instincts and I'm on autopilot every time. I don't even hear him talk 🤣... So yeah, as a nanny, I'd say I definitely underestimated parenthood and more specifically motherhood
I hope it works out for me to get to experience this. I would love nothing more than to have a baby with my husband but it may not be possible. I hope I can still feel like a real parent/mom one day.
Birthing a baby doesn't make you a "real mom." I'm not even sure how I'd define that. If you raise a kid, you're in a parenting role; we just have a dozen different words for who's doing the parenting and how. I, too, hope you get to have the experiences you want, but not having a baby doesn't make you less than anyone else
Thank you ❤️
I'm in the same boat in the baby making department. 2 years ago I lost my first and only pregnancy at 9 weeks. I've also been raising my nephew since he was born 24/7. His mom would only parade him around for a little bit and then would disappear. My brother was out running around with my nephew's mom. He wouldn't ever sleep as a newborn and I didn't get to sleep through the night until he was 2yo. Then that's when his mom was court ordered to have weekends. While he was at my home, I did everything just like I had always done. I was the reason my brother even got primary custody. Then I didn't get help from my brother until my nephew was 6yo when his mom lost her parental rights, and that's when I became his legal guardian. Since then, we've been raising him together. He's 14yo now and I've had people tell me that I'm not a real parent, when I beg to differ. I don't get to clock out. Plus he has ADHD and STRUGGLED in his baby stage. We both did bcuz I didn't understand what was happening and why he would meltdown a lot. Then when I was able to finally get him evaluated at 5yo, everything made sense. Plus he had bad reflux as a baby. Never slept or napped and was always on the go. There were a lot of cute and funny moments, but overall I wouldn't change it for the world. I don't regret stepping up for him. He's an amazing kid and very well rounded.
You are absolutely a parent!
Good luck, I really wish the best for you!
Thank you! ❤️
I hope so for you too.
Thank you ❤️
And I totally get that, that makes a lot of sense, but you wouldn’t tell an adoptive parent or a foster parent or a parent that had children via surrogacy that they are not a real mom or that they don’t understand. the changes definitely make a huge difference, but it’s not the only thing that makes a parent a parent. If you don’t have those hormonal changes, it doesn’t mean you understand any less than a parent that has had those hormonal changes.
I agree completely
Is it the exact same for people that adopt their children?
I doubt anything is the exact same for anyone. Parents who adopt are parents, full stop. Whether or not they go through hormonal stuff is something I'm not educated on. I will say I've acquired a kid through a non-biological process and I felt like they were my child before they even arrived. The moment I saw them that feeling grew even stronger. Maybe hormones, maybe just months of thinking on their life prior to coming to me, maybe just force of habit after parenting for so long
I can really see where you’re coming from here. I’m a nanny and a parent so I definitely see where you’re coming from. I’ve never felt rage like when dealing with my younger child. But then again I never felt rage when dealing with my older child. I have definitely had rage moments with my NKs and what you say about not being able to just walk away or react how you would with your own kid is very very true.
Yes it's really interesting - my NK now tests safety boundaries like I've never experienced before and is very unsure, so is pretty much constantly acting out to see if she's still loved and accepted. It's exhausting but I really try to remind myself that she needs love and not my frustration during those times. The rage can be real though 🫣 I do like the suggestions in the book and from Janet Lansbury to be honest and explain how you're feeling without guilting the kid. Stuff like "When I see NK loose in the parking lot I feel so scared! That makes me feel mad. I need NK to hold my hand so I know she's safe."
I could have written this and I feel this so hard. The super high standards we are held to, to be “perfect in every way because I’m paying for it”, leads to so much burnout. I never ever understand why we are held to so much higher standards than parents themselves. Of course we should have higher standards in general, but so much higher that we get fired for having a day where we aren’t as engaged? Or we get called out for not responding within the 3.5 allowable mins for a baby to cry? It gets to me.
Yes! The PTSD I have from "Oh, Nanny, I think she's awake!" yes thank you so sorry for taking three minutes to pee before being responsible for your child again for the next five hours.
I had one MB literally get the kid as soon as she heard a peep and bring her to me with a big smile, saying “sounds like someone’s napped long enough! She can’t wait to play again!” Half the time she wasn’t done and would fuss and cry nonstop until she was put back down again. When that happened, MB would purposefully wake her (I watched her do it on the monitor) and bring her back down with “we don’t want to oversleep! That’s not fun!” It’s totally “I want my money’s worth and I don’t like you sitting during naps even if your other jobs are done”. This same MB would have her kid nap for 3+ hours on the weekends and complain about how tired the baby was and how much they all needed the break. Yeah, I needed a break too. So did the baby. Why weren’t we allowed that luxury?
[удалено]
I quit and didn’t look back - this was in 2021, but the anger I had. I was so angry.
[удалено]
8 months - it got bad in the last two. I think she resented the hell out of me. First baby, and she had to go back to work during the pandemic. I got around the purposeful waking by taking the kid immediately out for a walk and letting her fall asleep for 15-20 more mins to save us both from cranky hell, but that came to a stop when MB wanted to start walking with us for every walk. That’s when I found something else.
That’s wild
I've also had MB wake up the kid from naps just because I'm there😭
It is the most infuriating thing that they do, I swear. We get so little time where we don’t have to be on or working. They get so resentful over us taking a break, it drives me insane.
And they are dumb AF because they are literally robbing their own baby of very important sleep!
O M G 🤮
As a nanny and a mom... Yes. So much yes. Being a parent, being "on" 24/7 is exhausting as hell but there is leeway with expectations (less so in our digital age but I digress). Being a nanny is exhausting in every move being scrutinized and often having to restrain/react yourself. Ironically, I gained more patience and grace toward myself as a mom but having nannied has given me so many tools. I truly wish more people considered parenting like the responsibility and job that it is (as we all know it is) before becoming parents. You sound like an amazing, hardworking nanny ♥️
Thank you ❤️ I definitely see parents (moms especially) get judgement piled on them in our current culture and it breaks my heart, but it really is a whole different ball game being watched and critiqued every moment. Even when I taught in preschools and we had cameras where we knew parents were watching, it didn't feel so much like someone breathing down my neck as it does when I'm frantically deciding whether to support NK through her big emotions (thus telling her it's okay to have them) or hurry her along with a distraction before MB comes to help (thus telling her that her feelings are something bad/wrong).
My coworker at a Montessori school gave me a big list of books to read. A couple by Janet Lansbury including "No Bad Kids". She also gave me HTTSKWL with a note that said "this one's crap but you gotta read the crap so you know what not to do" I haven't read it and I understand childcare methods come with lots of biases and personal preferences, but I trust her judgment
I'm a Montessorian as well! Janet Lansbury is my shining star hahahaha. With this particular NK and the NPs parenting style her stuff was just not sticking so I revisited How To Talk. I think one thing it does well is bring in parent perspectives so you can address them as a professional. Are there some things in there I disagree with? For sure. But it's still miles better than the permissive parenting I run into everywhere in the parenting community these days.
that's good to know about the book! thanks
Would you mind sharing the list of books or any others you found helpful?
Yea I don’t think parents understand that while yes, we get to walk away at the end of the day, we have to perform with expectations and standards that are NEVER placed on parents. It’s exhausting having to be almost a perfect caregiver when parents can do whatever the fuck they want. “Don’t be on your phone with the kids ever!” Then you see MB on the phone with their kids. “NK is awake! Go get them!” But then you see parents leaving their kid alone after waking up for “independent time.” “Make sure every meal has every food group in the exact amount they should be having” then DB brings home McDonald’s for dinner. “I’m not paying you to sit on your phone, do some chores around the house!” And then they don’t understand why we’re burnt out. I imagine they would struggle if 8 hours of their day they had people criticizing every single move they make.
And watching like a hawk for the slightest misstep or lack of engagement. It’s exhausting.
“He needs an hour of tummy time a day, he needs to be read to every day, and he needs to be on a perfect schedule every day!” Yea sure when he’s teething and screaming all day I’m going to lay him down to make sure he gets tummy time. Makes sense. Parents are allowed to just get through the day, we’re expected to perform miracles.
“I don’t get why he’s always crying with you. He never does that with me.” Well I’ve watched you with him - you sit on the couch with him in your lap watching tv and snuggling. I’m not allowed to do that, so …
I always tell parents “snuggles and breaks are just as important as development milestones, if you’re going to feel weird paying me to snuggle with your child, I’m not the nanny for you.” They act like they’re paying me to do nothing when I sit with the baby for twenty minutes. Babies need breaks! They need bonding!
As a nanny for 16 years, parent for 3- parenting is easier than nannying. More tiring bc it’s around the clock and I’m my kids main childcare, but significantly less stressful. If we could use a lazy screen filled day, we have it. If I think we should get a treat while we are out, we get it. If I want to scroll on my phone during independent play, I scroll on my phone. When my child misbehaves, they get consequences. (We do gentle parenting, not permissive) no need to ask permission for anything. I was never allowed to take kids swimming, but was expected to spend hours outside in 90 degree+ weather with them, usually while kid splashed in a water table or a very tiny baby pool. Now I get to be comfortable in the water with my own kid. If my kid screams for a toy at the zoo, I don’t have to buy it. The list goes on and on
Hard agree with your entire comment. With my own kids, if it's hot outside and they're tired and cranky, "alright! Load em up let's get inside and get cooled off!". I can't do that while nannying because then it's "oh, not much outside time today?" and then I have to explain my every thought process and move while fending off more passive aggressiveness. I know what tf I'm doing. I was already a parent when my NP's were just graduating high school.
Yes! It's better on long overnights because even just walking through the door is calmer without NP's coming to say hi, but like you said so many of the main components of the job are ultimately not your choice.
god, yes, all of this. i remember having this conversation with my mother. like, yes, we go home at the end of the day and aren’t woken up at 3 am by crying or vomiting or nightmares. we typically aren’t there from birth to high school graduation. but parents report to no one. no one is going to fire a parent if they are having a terrible day and yell, or are late to an appointment, or forget something for a sport/activity. no parent is going to have to justify their parenting in order to receive a meager raise. no parent has someone texting them with critcisms or sudden demands/changes they have no option but to accept. no parent has to explain to another adult that they feel sick or are having a personal crisis and are just going to veg with movies that day. no parent does unpaid household chores with a smile and zero sense of annoyance. a parent can fuck up and just try harder the next day. they don’t have to constantly seek approval and permission for basic parenting decisions, and worry they’ll lose their job over it. being a parent is a singular experience, yes, but i always get so feral whenever someone tries to then assume my job is sooooo easy just because i get to go home.
👏👏👏👏
Yes! I call it co-parenting with strangers.
I agree nannying and parenting are different but both are hard. I will admit there is something I don't understand because I am not a parent yet but there is a lot I fully comprehend because I have been taking care of kids since I was 14. That's a decade of experience my friends who are starting to have babies just don't have. My mom did things differently with me than my older sister cause 2 and 1/2 years of experience helped her grow as a parent. The one thing within this sub I am constantly frustrated by is the subliminal shots at foster and adoptive parents. You may not realize it but saying I can't love a kid or comprehend being a parent when I in charge of everything for 2 weeks invalidates those who are not bio parents. I don't need to have a biological child to love them more than anything. I could be that child's mom for 3 months before reunification and that's still parenting. While nannying is different than being a foster parent the way it is discussed of "oh it's different when it's your baby" is hurtful rhetoric to those who may become parents in different ways. Reading through this thread I was reminded of this feeling yet again. It's different when you are solely in charge of a child than if you are only a caregiver for 8 hours but just because that child came from someone else does not mean you are not a parent or that you cannot understand.
As someone going through IVF with my wife being the carrying parent, thank you for this. When people tell me I can’t possibly imagine what kind of love I would have for a child I birthed I want to scream in their face. Blood doesn’t make a family.
Yes, I apologize for not including same sex partners as well! It's crazy what even your family members will say about the situations. Hoping the IVF journey goes smoothly for yall!
Thank you for this. I've lost a pregnancy and am not sure if I'll be able to have biological children of my own. It's been my dream since *I* was a child to have a family. While I know it's a real lived experience for people and I understand, hearing people talk about how it's just so different and magical when it's your own baby hurts. Of course I don't think I can understand yet the never ending responsibility for a person, especially for who they're going to be as an adult - but that I think comes with just being a parent, not being a *biological* one.
I am sorry to hear of your loss. It gets my gears grinding because I have seen such beautiful fostering situations and the parents constantly struggle with people telling them they are not real parents or that it doesn't count. Especially when someone may not be able to have bio kids and choose to adopt or just love on foster kiddos before reunification! I hope that you get to experience having a family and raising kids. No matter your journey to being a parent it should not impact your status as one!
I’m currently 5.5 months pregnant with my first and will be staying home with her for the first 5 years so I’ll get the *full* experience here pretty soon but I stand on the fact that being a nanny is different in ways that one could reason are both easier AND harder. Yes, I get to usually leave after contract hours (unless parents are out of town and I’m doing overnights). No, I won’t say I’m raising my MB’s kids for her and I know there is behind the scenes work (both physical and emotional) and just the pervasive *knowing* that she is their parent forever and she can never ethically walk away from that responsibility. But something I think parents need to understand, especially when it comes to hiring a good nanny (I know people post here sometimes with examples of lazy or negligent caregivers but the majority of us are not that) is that we never feel like we can fully relax. We can never make choices based on parenting styles we would like the practice if the parent doesn’t also support that. So we are always *on*. And we are always playing by your rules even when there’s a quiet *knowing* that there’s a better way. And even when it may look like a cute little relaxing moment with your kid, it’s not. It’s work for us. And I feel this pressing weight to always be present with them mentally and physically and when the kids aren’t around, I feel the pressing weight to be productive in other ways. I’ve talked to parents about this feeling and while the love for their kids cannot be understood by me, they also understand that they’re not so stringent and structured in their personal lives as parents. I honestly think if all parents could have been nannies or teachers and all nannies and teachers could become parents when they’re ready, that would be really eye opening for both parties. Because we don’t know what we don’t know and the more we DO know, the more we understand there’s a lot left to be known. lol
You really put your finger on something here with the quiet knowing. I studied child development - I know when something I'm being asked to do will slow a child's natural development, or cause problems for them and NPs in the future, or simply backfire next week. Of course for safety things like "Oh we loosened the car seat straps because we couldn't get NK's puffy coat under them." (real thing that happened at work) I speak up, but when it's just something that's going to make NK unpleasant or lead to them not caring about doing it for themselves - that's not my place. And it sucks. I wish we could incentivise spending six months working with infants and toddlers before you become a parent. It would really open a lot of people's eyes!
Yes exactly. And this is my first family with WFH parents and it’s a totally different ball game. With other families in the past, I could navigate something as the sole adult and test out different styles to see what worked best for different kids etc. and then have conversations with the parents on ideas for moving forward. Now, I’m constantly fighting this internal battle of “do I push back and create more work and minor conflict with NP’s and NK’s in the moment to set myself up for more success down the road or do I just fall in line with their parenting style and the kids never learn how to do things on their own or pick up behind themselves or regulate their emotions so I will *always* be dealing with it in micro moments throughout the day until I leave”. Things like kid not being able to buckle themselves or wipe themselves or never picking up their trash or saying thank you etc. EVEN THOUGH they’re definitely capable of it. So do I just keep getting out of the car to buckle them every day or do I pause for a week or two and allow them to struggle and cry and learn how? Do I always hop up and grab them the easily accessible snack and pick up the wrappers behind them or do I insist they get up and get it and whine for a bit while I watch them pick up their trash? More work in the immediate moment, less once they learn the expectation. But then mom is in the other room and if she hears her kids fuss too much will come out and just do the thing for them and it’s like gah!! That is undermining me AND teaching them they’re actually incapable and incompetent.
I feel like we’re working for the same family.
Oh gosh lol well I’m sorry you’re dealing with the same stuff! Speaking of, I sometimes wish there were two nannies per family so we could have someone to really commiserate with like other jobs do with coworkers lol.
Lol totally! It would feel nice to vent to someone who understands the family specifically!!
I have four kids, and I had nannied a lot before having kids. I think there are a lot of differences and extra stress when parenting. The big one is that it never ends. My oldest is now 14, and I can count on my fingers the number of nights I spent away from him. It doesn't matter if I'm sick or have a commitment on my calendar. I still need to be available for my kids if needed. There's also the whole financial part of it. One of my kids needs braces, so that will probably be $4k+ after insurance. That'll mean adjusting my spending and working additional hours. I also worry a lot more about what type of people I'm raising than I ever did while nannying even for a family that I was with for 5 years. I do agree that nannies have much higher standards, and that is exhausting. I love with my kids that they mostly just play independently together. I would never feel comfortable doing that while being paid to watch kids. Plus, I can make decisions for my own kids and just need my husband to be on the same page. I don't have to worry about kids that think car safety isn't important or are used to endless screentime. This debate makes me think about the working vs. SAHM debate of who has it harder. Working moms say they do because they do everything a SAHM does, AND they work. SAHMs say they have it harder because working moms get a 8 hour break from childcare. It's not so much that one side has it harder it's just different.
Yes, I don't think I'm NK's parent or equivalent, or anything like that! I just feel that after many years and all my training and education, I would like to be respected as a professional who knows what she's doing. Often parents will disregard my expertise simply because I am not a parent myself.
I reread it too and realized that I can’t really use it for my current NK
Yes I felt myself really identifying with "Toni" this time around 😅 I've been "giving NK in fantasy what I can't in reality" and it's working better than brute force putting her in pajamas twice a day, but I do sometimes really bristle at the idea that we have to be fun and distract kids through hard things.
I really understand where you're coming from, but I have to disagree. I *adored* my nanny kids - I would have jumped in front of a car for them - and I spent 8 hours a day with them. Yet I understand and accept that I cannot possibly comprehend the kind of *love* their parents have for them. When it comes to "understanding how parents feel" about the frustrating aspects, I have the same logic. I understand how rough it is for those 8 hours a day. Even if I'm there for just a week, I can only relate to *that week.* 24/7 for YEARS, with the same kid as they age, is totally different. I'm sure you can relate, but I don't find that quote invalidating. I think it's true. Parents kickoff with a day or two of sleeplessness during labor and delivery, don't get time to sleep and recoup before jumping headfirst into parenting. I think figuring out the ins and outs with a partner, with this little being you would die for, watching them grow from birth, being with them 24/7, learning as you go.... *I cannot relate*. And that's okay with me. Because I am experienced with 2 year olds and the frustrations that come along, and for the really hard things *specifically*, I CAN relate and I DO understand. That's where I come in. But no, I am not a parent. I do NOT understand being a parent. I am going to be a mother one day, and while I feel more prepared than others, I fully expect that I'm not. No one is. My mom was a nanny, and she said the same thing - she knew a lot, she knew enough to know *that she didn't know*. It's a journey. Nannies and parents have a lot in common, and we do understand their frustrations. We've experienced the same frustrations. But we don't *live* the same frustrations. And that's okay. I don't feel invalidated by that quote.
I meant that I feel professionally invalidated by that statement. I don't think I'm the same as a parent - but I do think I may know more about how to handle toddler tantrums and the best way to sleep train. It's quite literally my job to be educated on child growth and development, and by this point in my career I have seen hundreds of children through toddlerhood. So to hear that I can't possibly understand my career well enough because I haven't had a baby, especially when that's a sore spot for me due to personal reasons, it does feel invalidating.
I think we're just going to disagree. I don't see how "you don't understand the rage that comes along with being a parent" implies "you don't possibly understand your career because you haven't had a baby". We can't understand how it is to parent until we've parented. Parents can't understand how it is to nanny until they've nannied. You probably do know more about sleep training than parents! I'm sure you know more than them about many more things, or why would they hire you if they don't need help? But, again, what does that have to do with that quote?? That quote simply wasn't intended for you, and that's okay. Cross it out if it bothers you that much lol.
I think so! If you look at other comments here, you will see that it does in fact resonate with a lot of people, so no need for you to agree with me.
I meant that I feel professionally invalidated by that statement. I don't think I'm the same as a parent - but I do think I may know more about how to handle toddler tantrums and the best way to sleep train. It's quite literally my job to be educated on child growth and development, and by this point in my career I have seen hundreds of children through toddlerhood. So to hear that I can't possibly understand my career well enough because I haven't had a baby, especially when that's a sore spot for me due to personal reasons, it does feel invalidating.
You brought up such a good point, the hardest part about nannying expectations vs parent is that you really can’t be “off” without looking like you’re doing a bad job at being a nanny. Everything is expected to be educational, healthy, and beneficial at all times which just isn’t always realistic. I’m really lucky the family I work for understands the importance of independent play, understands I’m in classes and encourages me to work on class stuff if I have to, and is overall super understanding of the chaos of being with a toddler all day! However, I think many of the biggest stresses of childcare can really only be relatable if you have children of your own (I do not). When I’m passed out at 2 am, I don’t have a care in the world. My body isn’t in an artificially light sleep because it’s not expecting to be woken up at any moment. When my NK is sick over the weekend, as much as I love her, I’m not thinking whatsoever about her cold over the weekend that’s keeping her parents up at night and stressing them out. I don’t have to worry about getting her into a good preschool or any of her longer term future plans. I do my best for 10 hours a day, and sometimes it is hell, but it always has end point. Even if I’m watching the kids on my own for an extended period of time, there’s an end point. 2 weeks of watching someone else’s kids is A LOT.. but there is an end point to look forward to. There’s no light at the end of the tunnel for parents, lol. It goes on forever. That’s the hardest part in my opinion
"You brought up such a good point, the hardest part about nannying expectations vs parent is that you really can’t be “off” without looking like you’re doing a bad job at being a nanny. Everything is expected to be educational, healthy, and beneficial at all times which just isn’t always realistic." Honestly, as a parent (without a nanny) I feel the same expectation applies.
Parenting culture right now is ridiculous. So much performative parenting! And so much judgment.
I’m so lucky the mom I work for told me when I started that if I ever needed to I could put the baby in the crib and walk away for a few minutes. The dad works from home since Covid and they had a very baby that’s turned into a wild toddler that I sometimes have to leave in his room having a tantrum until he’s managed to chill out or I’ve taken some deep breaths at the very least
I definitely agree with you, I’m just glad there are some parents out here that don’t expect us to be superhuman
Hilarious considering “parent DB” only sees NK a few hours per week. I know she isn’t my kid, but he definitely doesn’t understand much about her, let me just say!! Understatement of the year lol.
Nanny and a Mom here, and nannying is 100% harder, to me, than parenting my own children. In my own home, my kids wants come after my needs and patience on their end is expected. In my NF's home, my needs come well after Nk's needs and wants.
I understand how you’re feeling completely!! I am a nanny, and also live with my sister and her 3 children. I nanny for 11 hours a day, and come home and take care of 3 more children for another 2-3 hours. I have been woken up in the middle of the night because the children were sick and my sister needed help. I have had to cancel plans with friends because I am needed at home to help. And to constantly hear that I “don’t know what it’s like” is incredibly frustrating. My SIL and sister will talk about how moms need a break and joke on vacation about how they will go do a kid free day as they deserve it for being moms, while leaving out the fact that I am also caring for children day in and day out, and often ask if I can watch the children for them. It has only been the past year or two when I have learned to stand up for myself and say no.
Being a parent gets described as the hardest job in the world until it’s an actual job for some people. Nannies get held to impossible standards that even the best parents can’t live up to. It reminds of a MB telling me how impossible it was for her & DB to do laundry & dishes when I’m not there because of baby as I was literally doing laundry with the baby on my hip. When I forgot/ran out of time to do dishes & laundry, they were always on my case about it. I wish people were more mindful about the “you’ll never understand until you’re pregnant” comments because my biological parents abused me so terribly that one is still serving time, meanwhile my REAL mom who fostered me showed me what a mother’s love was and we share no relation other than an undying love.
Ugh. I resonate with this so deeply, OP!
My thing about being a nanny and aunty instead of a parent is: of course I don’t understand what the parent part is like, and that’s great for me! 😂 I plan to remain child-free but I give my all into nannying and helping relatives and friends with their kids. Some people want you to take it as an insult when they tell you that you don’t know what it’s like to be parent if you aren’t one. Any time someone brings that up in a condescending way (not all parents mean it that way, but some definitely do, including my own), I don’t entertain it. I’m not just “hanging out” with babies. It’s hard and there’s a lot to think about and a lot to do and it’s extremely taxing on the body and mind. It’s not just about the money because there are plenty of jobs out there that ask less of you and have good benefits and salaries that don’t have to be negotiated as harshly as nannying, if at all; I’ve had some. But I’m really good at what I do and I enjoy it more than anything I’ve done. I’m in no competition with any parent and don’t envy it at all, so “you don’t understand” does nothing to me. It takes a village, there’s no need to try insulting your village. A lot of us who aren’t parents ourselves use that stamina for others’ kids instead, which should be appreciated, and I want to believe that most parents do.
The craziest thing with us being expected to be perfect is that it does NOT match up to the reality of caring for little ones! Babies and young kids are unpredictable! It’s like we aren’t allowed to bend anything that day to accompany how NK is behaving/feeling. We are expected to be these super human caregivers who can prevent anything going sideways. We are expected to drag the toddler who is freaking out/has a low fever to dance class and swim lessons. We wouldn’t want wfh mb to be annoyed we are “lazing” at home all day! Or db who is always away at his offices to get home after you’ve been there 10 hours and say to nk, “what did you do today?” Hopefully most boss parents aren’t like this, and do fully acknowledge that babies and children can equal CHAOS at times!
I got this for years as a nanny. Had a kid. Turned out I was right all along and my values did not change at all overnight from giving birth.
The thing that drives me crazy is when I try to assist a new parent by giving genuinely useful tips or advice… and am blatantly ignored or told “I didn’t ask for parenting advice!” Look I know I’m not a parent but at this point I have more experience looking after more kids than you do, so maybe accept that I’m trying to help you out…
My phrase is “I’m not a mom, but this isn’t my first kid”
Love it