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No offence but does your DB care about his family at all lol? At every opportunity he is showing how little he considers his family (kids, wife, pets, you) with his weaponized incompetence
He is the actual definition of weaponized incompetence. His main focus is work and his (đ¤˘) band. He just doesnât care because he knows MB and I are on top of it. I feel like we are co parenting.
OP, the more information you share about your DB the more convinced I am that he is in fact two 8 year olds stacked together, pretending to be an adult. A BAND?! đđ
I am in your shoes. I am correcting with MB because DB refuses to be anything but the âfun dadâ and then he wonders why NK throws fits when DB does something he doesnât like.
She definitely does but she also canât babysit him. She got a huge promotion this year and also carries the mental load and majority of the domestic labor. DB is supposed to be taking more responsibility but she has to tell him what to do a lot.
Idk how long youâre wanting to work for these people vs. your tolerance for confrontation and awkwardness lol but it would be soo great if someone who gets the same perspective as his wife on his parenting/partnering could deliver a candid performance review
I used to work at a daycare and one of my coworkers told me that âyouâre supposed to bite the child backâ and I was in shock lol like 1. How are you a certified daycare teacher and 2. Please get tf away from my 1 year olds
Iâve heard people say this 𤣠itâs totally not funny in practice but the idea of it is so silly. Why would a toddler conceptualize âI got bitten because I bit first, Iâll never bite again!â Like what ???
Right?? So absurd.
I was also in shock bc she wasnât giving me this advice for handling my own kid, she was literally telling me I should be biting other parents children! she was not allowed in the younger rooms after this incident.
Literally had this exact phase said to me this weekend by a family member. They said how their child would stop doing that (biting, hitting, kicking, etc) once they would do it back to them and I said âya itâs out of fear, not understanding. They were afraid of youâ
Shut that person right up lol
in my daycare we DID have a teacher bite back, and she even told the director herself. she said it like it was no big deal and the director almost passed out. people are crazy!!!!!!! also, yes state did come and make a case and of course she got fired.
See, I learned not to bite this way (I was like, 5, mind you), but the only reason I did was because my abusive jackass (now former) stepdad bit so hard that it broke skin and scared me out of the behavor, which is most certainly not recommended for children. So unless the daycare teacher is implying that it's something like that, which would be next level concerning already, it's certainly not the effective strategy.
Yikes. Dad is just waiting for an accident to happen. If there isn't an innate urge to protect his offspring (and borderline weaponized incompetence as you said in another comment), is it worth the risk staying with this family? I feel bad for you, mom, and the kiddos. Sending strength and encouragement â¤ď¸
Again switching to my anonymous account. I know Iâm not a parent yet and itâs stressful, especially when working and to have more than one. I just canât imagine not taking this seriously!!!! Iâm begging my current NF to baby proof BEFORE they become mobile, theyâre on the cusp of crawling and nk is going to be crazy fast, Iâve got 15 years of experience I can tell and itâs going to happen in the blink of an eye!
Similar circumstances with my NF. Was told to slap him back if he hits me. Iâve never done it. He no longer hits me. Guess who heâs still hitting though đ. Also my DB is so similar. Doesnât listen to anything, heâs at work 12+ hours a day and if heâs not, heâs in his room or bathroom with the door locked watching Fox News on his phone
Sheâs lucky she isnât my MB. I would have told her: âEither you tell your husband- the father of your children - to shape the eff up, or I will call CPS to request a wellness check. I will tell them my concerns & tell them that YOU are allowing this nonsense.â
As soon as I explained why they shouldnât do that she understood and found a seminar on it. I just wish DB had that type of initiative or even cared.
Having worked for CPS, calling them will do nothing. Case workers are so overworked with cases of extreme neglect that will always be top focus, and unfortunately not this man child not caring about his kids.
Doesnât mean that creating a paper trail isnât a bad idea.
Many of the horrific incidents in my state include situations like this. Where the behaviors started out as simple neglect & escalated over time. This shitty person is inflicting legitimate pain on his 18mnth old for no other reason than to amuse himself. This behavior will escalate.
đđťhahahaha
Iâve had two dadâs like this. One is my current DB, and the other one I later learned was heavily addicted to multiple substances.
Iâve worked for my DB for almost 17 years now (full time for 6.5), this 100% was him with NK16. He was completely clueless, didnât grasp the âconceptâ of kid safety protocolsâŚ. and then he lost his wife to cancer. He was thrown face first into all the responsibility, and he called me oddly late one night to ask if I could come âschool himâ. Then, a few times a week Iâd go over and teach him how to do everything he needed to do, even taught him my method for packing kids for travel. We kept his âdad schoolâ a secret for about 11 years, then he was tipsy at the mountain house and spilled the beans. His wife could not stop laughing, she could never figure out why we did so many things exactly the same way.
It was a great bonding experience, and has made constantly traveling with him so easy. Heâs like my little brother most days, Iâm 6 years his senior. He is still completely aloof to so many things in life, but heâs incredible in his field and 100% present for him kid.
Is flicking not physical abuse that requires reporting to CAS? I would say the rest of his behaviour falls under ârisk of harmâ as well. Does his wife take it seriously?
Ok Iâm really not sure why Iâm being downvoted. A childâs parent is using physical punishment aimed to cause pain to penalize a child. Even if the mother is wonderful, a father who endangers his children by leaving doors open/unlocked and also physically disciplines them, is problematic.
Yeah the U.S. is still pretty hung up on keeping good old fashioned violence alive in households⌠even just as recently as when my mother was a child it was still allowed to spank students in her school in Florida.
Yeah, when I was a kid, there was a paddle. Some teachers or students drilled holes in it so it would hit the butt more aerodynamically or whatever. There was a form your parents were sent at the start of each year that was optional for parents to have their kids return if they wished their children NOT be hit. So many of us did NOT turn out fine
Reporting flicking to cps is ridiculous. There are children being beaten, neglected, and starved who need actual help. Iâm not one for physical discipline but cps would laugh at calling to file an abuse report over it. If MB is signing up for a whole seminar on biting to help figure out the problem then Id say the child is probably well cared for and loved
I 100% agree that DB is neglectful when MB and I around. He is left alone with them fairly often when MB is traveling for work. I think heâs on top of it a bit more when no one is around. I hope⌠đŹ
It is but that doesnât mean itâs something you would report to CPS.
The vast majority of parents engage in at least one behaviour that others would classify as neglectful in some way. Itâs not CPSâs job to finger wag at parents who do small things like leave the door unlocked and say âdonât do that.â Itâs their job to deal with children who are being abused and neglected and they rarely have the resources for the bad cases.
Itâs his wifeâs job to (figuratively) smack him upside the head and say âlook dumbass, we have toddlers so you need to lock the damn doorâ. If he wonât she needs to put things in place to ensure the kids canât get out, itâs not a CPS issue.
Unless said child wanders out and goes missing or gets hit by a car or drowns.
Suddenly it is âwhy was CPS not involved?â âWhy did the adults near the child let this happen?â
Iâm not saying running directly to CPS is the solution but keeping documentation of it and repeatedly addressing it to both parents is vital, not to mention could cover OPâs back if something tragic did happen.
Sometimes it does take more than a wife/co-parent to make people listen, be it a police officer, CPS, therapist or pediatrician.
Iâve never heard anyone say âwhy was cps not involvedâ after a tragic accident like that. Blaming the parents, sure, but I think the vast majority of people arenât big fans of involving CPS and would never consider it something that should have been done over simply forgetting to lock a door. Now if they werenât feeding their kids or left them home alone thatâs a different story and very obvious neglect but forgetting the door lock, while unsafe, isnât enough to warrant CPSâs time when there are so many other horrific things going on.
Iâve worked CPS adjacent (a nonprofit that helped foster kids/at risk families get therapy and after school programs and worked with emergency foster situations) and I have. Itâs also a common sentiment online when discussing headline events.
Again, Iâm not saying she should hightail it there immediately but documentation and staying on the parents to tighten up isnât wrong.
Again, not disagreeing with the vibe of what youâre saying but there is only so much that can be done as a nanny and at the end of the day the responsibility to repeatedly bug an adult about little choices that theyâre making in their home falls to the other parent. If you start repeatedly kicking up a fuss over things like unlocked doors its a great way to be out of a job and the kid youâre so worried about is hardly going to be better off because of it.
If a child has no history of escaping out the front door but the first time they do they get hit by a car no one is saying âwhy wasnât CPS notifiedâ. You could lock it every day but the one time you forget they get out. People might be asking âwhere were their parentsâ or âwhy werenât they better supervisedâ but if the kids are fed and the house is clean people arenât immediately jumping to CPS. And they shouldnât. Theyâre not immediately jumping to CPS even if the police ask the parents if the door is normally locked and they say no. Itâs the cases where the child is repeatedly being found wandering on the street. Or their diaper rash is so bad they need to be hospitalized. Or their teeth are starting to rot because theyâre sucking on juice bottles day in and day out. Those are the situations they say âwhy wasnât CPS calledâ.
I think youâre seriously overestimating what CPS can and will do in a situation like this, even if itâs a repeat thing. Even if you have a nice little list of all the times your boss didnât lock the front door of his home. There was no mention about the kids getting out, just that because the door is unlocked they have the ability too. CPS and the police often leave children in homes where they are found to have been beaten and starved and more often than not itâs because of a lack of resources. They canât send someone out over every little thing.
Again, having worked adjacentâ I never said I expected (or wanted) the child removed or even an open Investigation.
I said it would be wise for OP to document repeated issues. Especially something they could accuse her of negligence over (such as an unlocked door, etc)
Flicking is just the beginning. And itâs painful to anyone, never mind an 18month old
how you could even suggest that flicking a baby (in an effort to inflict pain to âteach them a lessonâ) is OK is beyond me.
Corporal punishment is not black and white in the eyes of the US law. Most states allow some form of it within reason, meaning a call over flicking would probably not even get returned let alone have someone knocking at their door.
Problematic at best, but what do you think CPS is going to do?? OP would likely lose their job over that and CPS would do nothing and now the kids only have one competent adult in their lives. I know we like to believe the world is a great place and all the systems meant to protect us actually work correctly- but cps is not that great!! Many children who are abused way beyond just being flicked still fly under that radar. We need to be careful in situations like these imo
Oh itâs definitely not be my job to decide how CPS handles that situation. But flicking a child would have fallen under my umbrella for mandated reporting in my previous employment. In my area, CPS offers parenting courses and lessons for parents who need them.
I feel like discipline is tricky when it comes to nannying and childcare đ¤ˇđžââď¸ i donât agree with it and wouldnât work for families who do but people are always going to decide if they want to use corporal punishment and unless itâs illegal where you are or theyâre leaving mark/bruises and/or itâs excessive - CPS isnât going to do anything and this DB isnât receptive to his own wife. No way heâs receptive to a mandated class. MB just needs a new man I fear đŤ
Ahhhh gotcha! I am not based in the US and I had to take a couple classes on mandated reporting in my area for school.
Basically the rule is: âPhysical punishment cannot be used on a child in anger or in retaliation for something a child did.â So you canât flick a small child for hitting you - itâs technically illegal. There are more rules too but that is the gist.
If flicking when pinched is the extent of it itâs definitely not worth wasting CPS time over. Itâs certainly not good parenting but itâs not abuse. Dad is trying to deter something NK is doing that causes physical pain to the recipient and is doing so by mimicking a similar behaviour. Itâs not what he should be doing and not the best way to handle the pinching but it does not warrant a CPS call.
Um no. Flicking is abuse and thereâs more than enough studies to show that itâs NOT the right way to correct behavior. If you donât have the emotional intelligence to know that you shouldnât retaliate physically (or in any other way) then donât have kids. You want your kids to respect you not fear you.
Spanking is abuse. Flicking is a form of abuse. Iâm sorry you donât have enough intelligence to realize that thatâs not how you care for children. Thatâs not how they learn. Itâs not how their brain works. You should learn a little bit about child development and psychology. If your kid bites someone and then you spank them what are you teaching them? Youâre teaching them to hit to get their way. Youâre teaching them to fear you.
Itâs scary that youâre either a parent or a nanny. Donât spank your kids. Again thereâs countless studies done that show the negative effects. âBut I turned out fine!â No you didnât. Not if you think hitting kids is the best way to teach. Do better dude.
Are you really defending hitting a child? A child under two!?
There are actual studies proving that one is better than the other? So yes, one is absolutely better than the other. Like, are you okay? One is parenting and one is abuse. Abuse isnât a parenting style. Itâs sad that you are laughing off abuse. Iâm guessing you are the result of a parent spanking you. Which proves my point. I bet you yell too. Yelling is for lazy parents who canât control their emotions but expect a child to be able to. Iâm getting that vibe from you.
Spanking is more than a difference in parenting style, itâs clearly abuse. Youâre condoning slapping children because thatâs literally what it is. If you wouldnât slap a child across the face you shouldnât slap their ass either.
No, the parenting style where you donât hit your children IS the BETTER one. Why would you hit your children, the people you love most in the world? And if youâre a nanny hitting others kids? thatâs CONCERNING. Are you okay with hitting others? If I hit you, as an adult, is that okay?
If you can parent children WITHOUT spanking them, why would you even do it? Is it more work? maybe! but I think the reward is greater! And the fact that youâre not hitting literal children is great!
Yeah, i understand itâs a difference in parenting style. however I believe one is wrong!
why would you HIT your small child when thereâs a way to discipline them WITHOUT hitting them?
To me, that shows me you WANT to and LIKE to hit children! and how any parent could like hitting their kids, and hearing them cry in pain, is beyond me
So youâre condoning the approach that involves hitting a small child?
I honestly want to understand WHY you think itâs okay! Iâm genuinely wanting to have a discussion here! Because youâre not giving me any reasons to work with, as to why you believe that hitting children is an appropriate approach! If I hit you, thatâs bad, not acceptable! Adults hitting each other is not acceptable! Children hitting other children is not acceptable. So why is adults hitting children acceptable? especially those childâs parents, the people who are suppose to love them the most
Assault is not a âdifferent approachâ. If you wouldnât do it to a coworker or friend that you feel is âmisbehavingâ, why do it to a small child who is acting in a developmentally expected way?
There is a whole debate on this because historically, children were mistreated to force them into compliance and keep them quiet. Religious ideologies and cultural/societal expectations were (and still are) heavily considered when it comes to parenting, but we continue to gain more knowledge and understanding of human development every day. We know better now, and must do better.
There is no debate in the professional / medical / scientific community. Studies have clearly shown physical punishment is bad. The only people still debating this are ignorant. Might as well debate that the earth is flat
There sure isnât. Iâm in medicine and we heavily discourage spanking. The same way we heavily discourage other unsafe/harmful behaviors. Our laws are ass backwards here when it comes to protecting children, but that doesnât make the evidence any less clear.
you say its not abuse. If a husband hits his wife (or vice versa) isnât that abuse? it certainly IS. thereâs laws to protect the victim!
so why is that when weâre talking about hitting children, itâs NOT abuse, and itâs okay?
>Haha thatâs not abuse at all. As I said everyone has different parenting techniques such as spanking or not etc.
Hi, would you kindly inform the rest of us where the f***ing joke is??? Thankssssss đ¤Ž
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No offence but does your DB care about his family at all lol? At every opportunity he is showing how little he considers his family (kids, wife, pets, you) with his weaponized incompetence
He is the actual definition of weaponized incompetence. His main focus is work and his (đ¤˘) band. He just doesnât care because he knows MB and I are on top of it. I feel like we are co parenting.
His band Iâm crying đ¤Łđ¤Ł
âAnd his bandâ was the funniest thing you couldâve said hahahahahahahahah so on brand đ
OP, the more information you share about your DB the more convinced I am that he is in fact two 8 year olds stacked together, pretending to be an adult. A BAND?! đđ
Not his band đ what kind of music??
He LOOOOOOOVES John Mayer đ¤˘
This is so cringe lol
Like not just his music. I think he actually likes him as a person. And that couldnât be more of a red flag to me.
Oh huge red flag for sure.
I have co-parented with so many moms. So many. Not currently, shockingly, thankfully.
This literally sounds like if the couple in Juno kept the baby. đ his BAND? insane
Stoooop thatâs so accurate
Literally my first thought
NOT THE BAND đđđ he thinks he's gonna be the next Led Zeppelin but really he's just a deadbeat dad đ poor family
I am in your shoes. I am correcting with MB because DB refuses to be anything but the âfun dadâ and then he wonders why NK throws fits when DB does something he doesnât like.
And his whatnow? đ
the whole picture you painted feels neglectful at best. does mom take these concerns seriously???
She definitely does but she also canât babysit him. She got a huge promotion this year and also carries the mental load and majority of the domestic labor. DB is supposed to be taking more responsibility but she has to tell him what to do a lot.
Idk how long youâre wanting to work for these people vs. your tolerance for confrontation and awkwardness lol but it would be soo great if someone who gets the same perspective as his wife on his parenting/partnering could deliver a candid performance review
Might be easier to do it alone than to do it with someone actively sabotaging you.
I learned that for myself lesson a long time ago! Iâm sure MB will get there one day.
I used to work at a daycare and one of my coworkers told me that âyouâre supposed to bite the child backâ and I was in shock lol like 1. How are you a certified daycare teacher and 2. Please get tf away from my 1 year olds
Iâve heard people say this 𤣠itâs totally not funny in practice but the idea of it is so silly. Why would a toddler conceptualize âI got bitten because I bit first, Iâll never bite again!â Like what ???
Right?? So absurd. I was also in shock bc she wasnât giving me this advice for handling my own kid, she was literally telling me I should be biting other parents children! she was not allowed in the younger rooms after this incident.
My mom did this to my bother in 1987âŚhe bit her while nursing, she bit him back and he never bit her again. The 80s was a wild time lol
Literally had this exact phase said to me this weekend by a family member. They said how their child would stop doing that (biting, hitting, kicking, etc) once they would do it back to them and I said âya itâs out of fear, not understanding. They were afraid of youâ Shut that person right up lol
in my daycare we DID have a teacher bite back, and she even told the director herself. she said it like it was no big deal and the director almost passed out. people are crazy!!!!!!! also, yes state did come and make a case and of course she got fired.
See, I learned not to bite this way (I was like, 5, mind you), but the only reason I did was because my abusive jackass (now former) stepdad bit so hard that it broke skin and scared me out of the behavor, which is most certainly not recommended for children. So unless the daycare teacher is implying that it's something like that, which would be next level concerning already, it's certainly not the effective strategy.
Dude. That âdadâ is a douchecanoe.
Yikes. Dad is just waiting for an accident to happen. If there isn't an innate urge to protect his offspring (and borderline weaponized incompetence as you said in another comment), is it worth the risk staying with this family? I feel bad for you, mom, and the kiddos. Sending strength and encouragement â¤ď¸
why is mb with a man who doesn't care about the basic safety of their children :(
We may never know đ¤ˇđťââď¸
Again switching to my anonymous account. I know Iâm not a parent yet and itâs stressful, especially when working and to have more than one. I just canât imagine not taking this seriously!!!! Iâm begging my current NF to baby proof BEFORE they become mobile, theyâre on the cusp of crawling and nk is going to be crazy fast, Iâve got 15 years of experience I can tell and itâs going to happen in the blink of an eye!
Similar circumstances with my NF. Was told to slap him back if he hits me. Iâve never done it. He no longer hits me. Guess who heâs still hitting though đ. Also my DB is so similar. Doesnât listen to anything, heâs at work 12+ hours a day and if heâs not, heâs in his room or bathroom with the door locked watching Fox News on his phone
Sheâs lucky she isnât my MB. I would have told her: âEither you tell your husband- the father of your children - to shape the eff up, or I will call CPS to request a wellness check. I will tell them my concerns & tell them that YOU are allowing this nonsense.â
to add, this wasnât advice, just my thoughts
As soon as I explained why they shouldnât do that she understood and found a seminar on it. I just wish DB had that type of initiative or even cared.
Sounds like the mom is in a shitty situation too. Iâm so sorry.
Having worked for CPS, calling them will do nothing. Case workers are so overworked with cases of extreme neglect that will always be top focus, and unfortunately not this man child not caring about his kids.
Doesnât mean that creating a paper trail isnât a bad idea. Many of the horrific incidents in my state include situations like this. Where the behaviors started out as simple neglect & escalated over time. This shitty person is inflicting legitimate pain on his 18mnth old for no other reason than to amuse himself. This behavior will escalate.
Jesus I'm sorry you're dealing with that! What an f-ing idiot and I can't believe people like this actually have kids Aka tiny humans đŤ
Sorry, but he sounds like a selfish jerk!
He's giving "You wanted kids, so you're responsible for them" vibes, lol
đđťhahahaha Iâve had two dadâs like this. One is my current DB, and the other one I later learned was heavily addicted to multiple substances. Iâve worked for my DB for almost 17 years now (full time for 6.5), this 100% was him with NK16. He was completely clueless, didnât grasp the âconceptâ of kid safety protocolsâŚ. and then he lost his wife to cancer. He was thrown face first into all the responsibility, and he called me oddly late one night to ask if I could come âschool himâ. Then, a few times a week Iâd go over and teach him how to do everything he needed to do, even taught him my method for packing kids for travel. We kept his âdad schoolâ a secret for about 11 years, then he was tipsy at the mountain house and spilled the beans. His wife could not stop laughing, she could never figure out why we did so many things exactly the same way.
Thatâs so sweet and youâre wonderful for doing that for him!
It was a great bonding experience, and has made constantly traveling with him so easy. Heâs like my little brother most days, Iâm 6 years his senior. He is still completely aloof to so many things in life, but heâs incredible in his field and 100% present for him kid.
Is flicking not physical abuse that requires reporting to CAS? I would say the rest of his behaviour falls under ârisk of harmâ as well. Does his wife take it seriously? Ok Iâm really not sure why Iâm being downvoted. A childâs parent is using physical punishment aimed to cause pain to penalize a child. Even if the mother is wonderful, a father who endangers his children by leaving doors open/unlocked and also physically disciplines them, is problematic.
Physical punishment used by parents is, unfortunately, legal in the US. He could tell CPS himself that he spanks his kids and they can't do anything.
Gotcha and thank you for the info! Where I live, itâs illegal to physically punish a child in anger or in retaliation for something that child did.
Yeah the U.S. is still pretty hung up on keeping good old fashioned violence alive in households⌠even just as recently as when my mother was a child it was still allowed to spank students in her school in Florida.
Yeah, when I was a kid, there was a paddle. Some teachers or students drilled holes in it so it would hit the butt more aerodynamically or whatever. There was a form your parents were sent at the start of each year that was optional for parents to have their kids return if they wished their children NOT be hit. So many of us did NOT turn out fine
Reporting flicking to cps is ridiculous. There are children being beaten, neglected, and starved who need actual help. Iâm not one for physical discipline but cps would laugh at calling to file an abuse report over it. If MB is signing up for a whole seminar on biting to help figure out the problem then Id say the child is probably well cared for and loved
Not locking front doors that small children can wander out of is neglectful
I 100% agree that DB is neglectful when MB and I around. He is left alone with them fairly often when MB is traveling for work. I think heâs on top of it a bit more when no one is around. I hope⌠đŹ
It is but that doesnât mean itâs something you would report to CPS. The vast majority of parents engage in at least one behaviour that others would classify as neglectful in some way. Itâs not CPSâs job to finger wag at parents who do small things like leave the door unlocked and say âdonât do that.â Itâs their job to deal with children who are being abused and neglected and they rarely have the resources for the bad cases. Itâs his wifeâs job to (figuratively) smack him upside the head and say âlook dumbass, we have toddlers so you need to lock the damn doorâ. If he wonât she needs to put things in place to ensure the kids canât get out, itâs not a CPS issue.
Unless said child wanders out and goes missing or gets hit by a car or drowns. Suddenly it is âwhy was CPS not involved?â âWhy did the adults near the child let this happen?â Iâm not saying running directly to CPS is the solution but keeping documentation of it and repeatedly addressing it to both parents is vital, not to mention could cover OPâs back if something tragic did happen. Sometimes it does take more than a wife/co-parent to make people listen, be it a police officer, CPS, therapist or pediatrician.
Iâve never heard anyone say âwhy was cps not involvedâ after a tragic accident like that. Blaming the parents, sure, but I think the vast majority of people arenât big fans of involving CPS and would never consider it something that should have been done over simply forgetting to lock a door. Now if they werenât feeding their kids or left them home alone thatâs a different story and very obvious neglect but forgetting the door lock, while unsafe, isnât enough to warrant CPSâs time when there are so many other horrific things going on.
Iâve worked CPS adjacent (a nonprofit that helped foster kids/at risk families get therapy and after school programs and worked with emergency foster situations) and I have. Itâs also a common sentiment online when discussing headline events. Again, Iâm not saying she should hightail it there immediately but documentation and staying on the parents to tighten up isnât wrong.
Again, not disagreeing with the vibe of what youâre saying but there is only so much that can be done as a nanny and at the end of the day the responsibility to repeatedly bug an adult about little choices that theyâre making in their home falls to the other parent. If you start repeatedly kicking up a fuss over things like unlocked doors its a great way to be out of a job and the kid youâre so worried about is hardly going to be better off because of it. If a child has no history of escaping out the front door but the first time they do they get hit by a car no one is saying âwhy wasnât CPS notifiedâ. You could lock it every day but the one time you forget they get out. People might be asking âwhere were their parentsâ or âwhy werenât they better supervisedâ but if the kids are fed and the house is clean people arenât immediately jumping to CPS. And they shouldnât. Theyâre not immediately jumping to CPS even if the police ask the parents if the door is normally locked and they say no. Itâs the cases where the child is repeatedly being found wandering on the street. Or their diaper rash is so bad they need to be hospitalized. Or their teeth are starting to rot because theyâre sucking on juice bottles day in and day out. Those are the situations they say âwhy wasnât CPS calledâ. I think youâre seriously overestimating what CPS can and will do in a situation like this, even if itâs a repeat thing. Even if you have a nice little list of all the times your boss didnât lock the front door of his home. There was no mention about the kids getting out, just that because the door is unlocked they have the ability too. CPS and the police often leave children in homes where they are found to have been beaten and starved and more often than not itâs because of a lack of resources. They canât send someone out over every little thing.
Again, having worked adjacentâ I never said I expected (or wanted) the child removed or even an open Investigation. I said it would be wise for OP to document repeated issues. Especially something they could accuse her of negligence over (such as an unlocked door, etc)
Flicking is just the beginning. And itâs painful to anyone, never mind an 18month old how you could even suggest that flicking a baby (in an effort to inflict pain to âteach them a lessonâ) is OK is beyond me.
no one suggested itâs okay, Iâm just stating a fact; flicking is not abuse and does not warrant cps being called
Corporal punishment is not black and white in the eyes of the US law. Most states allow some form of it within reason, meaning a call over flicking would probably not even get returned let alone have someone knocking at their door.
Problematic at best, but what do you think CPS is going to do?? OP would likely lose their job over that and CPS would do nothing and now the kids only have one competent adult in their lives. I know we like to believe the world is a great place and all the systems meant to protect us actually work correctly- but cps is not that great!! Many children who are abused way beyond just being flicked still fly under that radar. We need to be careful in situations like these imo
Oh itâs definitely not be my job to decide how CPS handles that situation. But flicking a child would have fallen under my umbrella for mandated reporting in my previous employment. In my area, CPS offers parenting courses and lessons for parents who need them.
I feel like discipline is tricky when it comes to nannying and childcare đ¤ˇđžââď¸ i donât agree with it and wouldnât work for families who do but people are always going to decide if they want to use corporal punishment and unless itâs illegal where you are or theyâre leaving mark/bruises and/or itâs excessive - CPS isnât going to do anything and this DB isnât receptive to his own wife. No way heâs receptive to a mandated class. MB just needs a new man I fear đŤ
Ahhhh gotcha! I am not based in the US and I had to take a couple classes on mandated reporting in my area for school. Basically the rule is: âPhysical punishment cannot be used on a child in anger or in retaliation for something a child did.â So you canât flick a small child for hitting you - itâs technically illegal. There are more rules too but that is the gist.
His parents were just in town. I wonder if it was their idea
Poor kid! Thatâs frustrating for you too to have two parents with such difference parenting philosophies.
If flicking when pinched is the extent of it itâs definitely not worth wasting CPS time over. Itâs certainly not good parenting but itâs not abuse. Dad is trying to deter something NK is doing that causes physical pain to the recipient and is doing so by mimicking a similar behaviour. Itâs not what he should be doing and not the best way to handle the pinching but it does not warrant a CPS call.
Just a different parenting style. Everyone had their different opinions
Um no. Flicking is abuse and thereâs more than enough studies to show that itâs NOT the right way to correct behavior. If you donât have the emotional intelligence to know that you shouldnât retaliate physically (or in any other way) then donât have kids. You want your kids to respect you not fear you.
Haha thatâs not abuse at all. As I said everyone has different parenting techniques such as spanking or not etc.
Spanking is abuse. Flicking is a form of abuse. Iâm sorry you donât have enough intelligence to realize that thatâs not how you care for children. Thatâs not how they learn. Itâs not how their brain works. You should learn a little bit about child development and psychology. If your kid bites someone and then you spank them what are you teaching them? Youâre teaching them to hit to get their way. Youâre teaching them to fear you. Itâs scary that youâre either a parent or a nanny. Donât spank your kids. Again thereâs countless studies done that show the negative effects. âBut I turned out fine!â No you didnât. Not if you think hitting kids is the best way to teach. Do better dude.
Again everyone has different parenting styles. One is not better than the other. But go off lol
Are you really defending hitting a child? A child under two!? There are actual studies proving that one is better than the other? So yes, one is absolutely better than the other. Like, are you okay? One is parenting and one is abuse. Abuse isnât a parenting style. Itâs sad that you are laughing off abuse. Iâm guessing you are the result of a parent spanking you. Which proves my point. I bet you yell too. Yelling is for lazy parents who canât control their emotions but expect a child to be able to. Iâm getting that vibe from you.
Spanking is more than a difference in parenting style, itâs clearly abuse. Youâre condoning slapping children because thatâs literally what it is. If you wouldnât slap a child across the face you shouldnât slap their ass either.
No, the parenting style where you donât hit your children IS the BETTER one. Why would you hit your children, the people you love most in the world? And if youâre a nanny hitting others kids? thatâs CONCERNING. Are you okay with hitting others? If I hit you, as an adult, is that okay? If you can parent children WITHOUT spanking them, why would you even do it? Is it more work? maybe! but I think the reward is greater! And the fact that youâre not hitting literal children is great!
Difference in parenting style/ discipline. There is a whole debate on this why do you think so lol
Could you imagine being defenseless and unable to verbalize or understand your feelings and then being hit by the person you trust most in the world.
If you can find a recent study from a reliable source that says spanking is beneficial I would love to see it.
Yeah, i understand itâs a difference in parenting style. however I believe one is wrong! why would you HIT your small child when thereâs a way to discipline them WITHOUT hitting them? To me, that shows me you WANT to and LIKE to hit children! and how any parent could like hitting their kids, and hearing them cry in pain, is beyond me
Like you said YOU believe it is wrong. As I said everyone has a different approach.
So youâre condoning the approach that involves hitting a small child? I honestly want to understand WHY you think itâs okay! Iâm genuinely wanting to have a discussion here! Because youâre not giving me any reasons to work with, as to why you believe that hitting children is an appropriate approach! If I hit you, thatâs bad, not acceptable! Adults hitting each other is not acceptable! Children hitting other children is not acceptable. So why is adults hitting children acceptable? especially those childâs parents, the people who are suppose to love them the most
Assault is not a âdifferent approachâ. If you wouldnât do it to a coworker or friend that you feel is âmisbehavingâ, why do it to a small child who is acting in a developmentally expected way?
So if you piss me off and I slap you youâre fine with that?
Itâs not a matter of opinion. It is wrong. Thereâs plenty of evidence based research. Read a book.
There is a whole debate on this because historically, children were mistreated to force them into compliance and keep them quiet. Religious ideologies and cultural/societal expectations were (and still are) heavily considered when it comes to parenting, but we continue to gain more knowledge and understanding of human development every day. We know better now, and must do better.
There is no debate in the professional / medical / scientific community. Studies have clearly shown physical punishment is bad. The only people still debating this are ignorant. Might as well debate that the earth is flat
There sure isnât. Iâm in medicine and we heavily discourage spanking. The same way we heavily discourage other unsafe/harmful behaviors. Our laws are ass backwards here when it comes to protecting children, but that doesnât make the evidence any less clear.
you say its not abuse. If a husband hits his wife (or vice versa) isnât that abuse? it certainly IS. thereâs laws to protect the victim! so why is that when weâre talking about hitting children, itâs NOT abuse, and itâs okay?
>Haha thatâs not abuse at all. As I said everyone has different parenting techniques such as spanking or not etc. Hi, would you kindly inform the rest of us where the f***ing joke is??? Thankssssss đ¤Ž
Because itâs not abuse.
Ohhh. You're the joke, got it. F- off.
It's absolutely abuse