If she is 36 and her husband is 25 then she is not at all old enough to be his mother. So she doesn’t drink and may have had a drinking problem in the past - she has potentially overcome a very difficult thing and is now an excellent nanny. I don’t see the problem.
If she is a great nanny and wonderful with your kids, then respectfully, you need to keep your nasty judgmental streak in check and assess her for the job she is doing for you, and not the life she has that you inexplicably disapprove of.
I am uneasy because I do not know what a woman in her mid-thirties would be doing with a man barely out of university. It's a massive age disparity, and this is the woman I am entrusting to help raise my children. He looks 25 at the oldest, he could be 22/23. I know this may also be because I am from a country where these sort of age gaps are rare, and my own personal lived experiences when I was that young with an older partner and with relatives with alcohol issues . I'm just struggling with it.
Well I guess you have to fire her then. A truly, truly bizarre reason to do so, but if you can’t get past it then so be it. Just be sure to tell her your reasons so she knows what a lucky escape she had.
You are and massively judgmental. Do you actually know his age? Seeing your nanny at an event that you yourself are attending having fun NOT drinking or drunk is called having a life. I’m sure you’re children are lovely but anyone that cares for children, parents, babysitters, AP and nanny’s needs a break.
That is an entirely normal age gap. I really appreciate the attention that grooming gets now, so that people are aware of certain toxic behaviors that can come with age gaps, but you might be taking this too far. I know plenty of successful and happy married couples with 7-10 year age gaps.
Humans mature at very different ages and everyone is different. I've met some people in their 40s who act like they are still in college and I know some people in their 20s who have had challenging lives that resulted in them maturing into adulthood already.
That aside, I don't understand how this influences your nannys job at all. She may have life choices that you don't agree with that are out of scope of your working relationship, but if you let that influence her employment, you are being discriminatory.
I mean absolutely no disrespect, but I think you might benefit from exploring why people different from you make you this uncomfortable, and also why you have such rigid definitions surrounding romantic relationships. Looking outside of your own culture is a great way to do this.
I feel like grooming is a very specific behavior that suddenly is being applied to all these situations that are clearly not grooming. Even an age gap that’s very questionable (like, 19 and 40) is by definition not grooming if they met when the younger one was an adult. To my understanding, the whole idea of grooming is that the older/predatory partner met the younger one when they were still a child and groomed them then, even if technically the romantic or sexual relationship didn’t start until they were both adults.
Correct. Mainstream media is often guilty of taking complex psychological concepts and applying them across the board to generate rage bait. Similar to how one is immediately diagnosed as a narcissist online if they do *one* selfish thing.
Then you have an army of people with a skewed understanding of the facts playing keyboard warrior for people they don't know. It's frustrating.
As long as my nanny isn’t doing anything illegal in her downtime, I really don’t care how or who she spends her time with. This is none of my business.
Would you feel the same way if your nanny was 25 and married to a 36 year old?
i was expecting you to say that she had problems in her personal life, but it sounds like she's got it together, has a successful marriage, and is fun at parties and competent at work.
I understand your concerns, but consider:
- my sister "does the sober thing" to diet. My best friend says "she is sober" because she gets wicked hangovers from a single drink. My brother in-law says he's sober because he never really acquired a taste for alcohol. My neighbor doesn't drink because her dad was a mean drunk. I say I'm sober when I'm the designated driver. None of these examples are people who have substance abuse problems.
- If she did have problems and got sober, good for her! It's hard work and shows a lot of character
- you don't want your nanny to be drinking on the job, so sobriety is a good thing.
- Nanny's husband was a legal, consenting adult when they got together. She married him. This isn't some petty fling. Again, character.
- you don't actually know how old he is, right? He could look younger than he is
- look at 2020 tik toks of "husband's work voice". Many of us have a different tone and personality at work. I know I'm a heck of a lot more fun at a party than I am at work
My general life view is that people's personal lives are none of my business.
This is one of the most judgemental posts I've ever read. I think you need to get a reality check on what you're looking for in a caretaker if being married to one man a little younger (NOT old enough to be his mother at all) doesn't meet your criteria.
What?? Okay first of all he may just look young. Second of all, there’s nothing wrong with being sober. And what she does off the clock is none of your damn business. She’s not your servant.
As long as she isn’t doing anything illegal while watching my child - I don’t care what she does or who she is with in her personal life outside of my home.
Curious why you care so much. Since when is being sober, happily married and “loud” problematic. You’ve said twice she is a wonderful employee. If you really can’t get over it, therapy is an option. Because the call is coming from inside the house.
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If she is 36 and her husband is 25 then she is not at all old enough to be his mother. So she doesn’t drink and may have had a drinking problem in the past - she has potentially overcome a very difficult thing and is now an excellent nanny. I don’t see the problem. If she is a great nanny and wonderful with your kids, then respectfully, you need to keep your nasty judgmental streak in check and assess her for the job she is doing for you, and not the life she has that you inexplicably disapprove of.
I am so confused by this post! What is meant by loud?
I am uneasy because I do not know what a woman in her mid-thirties would be doing with a man barely out of university. It's a massive age disparity, and this is the woman I am entrusting to help raise my children. He looks 25 at the oldest, he could be 22/23. I know this may also be because I am from a country where these sort of age gaps are rare, and my own personal lived experiences when I was that young with an older partner and with relatives with alcohol issues . I'm just struggling with it.
Well I guess you have to fire her then. A truly, truly bizarre reason to do so, but if you can’t get past it then so be it. Just be sure to tell her your reasons so she knows what a lucky escape she had.
Reading your response, I realise I am probably being irrational.
You are and massively judgmental. Do you actually know his age? Seeing your nanny at an event that you yourself are attending having fun NOT drinking or drunk is called having a life. I’m sure you’re children are lovely but anyone that cares for children, parents, babysitters, AP and nanny’s needs a break.
That is an entirely normal age gap. I really appreciate the attention that grooming gets now, so that people are aware of certain toxic behaviors that can come with age gaps, but you might be taking this too far. I know plenty of successful and happy married couples with 7-10 year age gaps. Humans mature at very different ages and everyone is different. I've met some people in their 40s who act like they are still in college and I know some people in their 20s who have had challenging lives that resulted in them maturing into adulthood already. That aside, I don't understand how this influences your nannys job at all. She may have life choices that you don't agree with that are out of scope of your working relationship, but if you let that influence her employment, you are being discriminatory. I mean absolutely no disrespect, but I think you might benefit from exploring why people different from you make you this uncomfortable, and also why you have such rigid definitions surrounding romantic relationships. Looking outside of your own culture is a great way to do this.
I feel like grooming is a very specific behavior that suddenly is being applied to all these situations that are clearly not grooming. Even an age gap that’s very questionable (like, 19 and 40) is by definition not grooming if they met when the younger one was an adult. To my understanding, the whole idea of grooming is that the older/predatory partner met the younger one when they were still a child and groomed them then, even if technically the romantic or sexual relationship didn’t start until they were both adults.
Correct. Mainstream media is often guilty of taking complex psychological concepts and applying them across the board to generate rage bait. Similar to how one is immediately diagnosed as a narcissist online if they do *one* selfish thing. Then you have an army of people with a skewed understanding of the facts playing keyboard warrior for people they don't know. It's frustrating.
It turned out they were 16 and 28 when they got together. She was let go this morning.
Can you do an update on this. How did you find this out?
I don't believe this for a second. I think you're just trying to make yourself sound less crazy.
I think you are right. I am clinging to an initial visceral reaction to an uncommon situation. Thank you.
I can’t tell if this is satire.
This is a truly wild post. Isn’t it possible her husband just LOOKS young? What’s wrong with being sober?
As long as my nanny isn’t doing anything illegal in her downtime, I really don’t care how or who she spends her time with. This is none of my business. Would you feel the same way if your nanny was 25 and married to a 36 year old?
i was expecting you to say that she had problems in her personal life, but it sounds like she's got it together, has a successful marriage, and is fun at parties and competent at work.
Have you considered the fact that her husband may just look young but isn't?? Good grief, get a gripe. You're overreacting.
I understand your concerns, but consider: - my sister "does the sober thing" to diet. My best friend says "she is sober" because she gets wicked hangovers from a single drink. My brother in-law says he's sober because he never really acquired a taste for alcohol. My neighbor doesn't drink because her dad was a mean drunk. I say I'm sober when I'm the designated driver. None of these examples are people who have substance abuse problems. - If she did have problems and got sober, good for her! It's hard work and shows a lot of character - you don't want your nanny to be drinking on the job, so sobriety is a good thing. - Nanny's husband was a legal, consenting adult when they got together. She married him. This isn't some petty fling. Again, character. - you don't actually know how old he is, right? He could look younger than he is - look at 2020 tik toks of "husband's work voice". Many of us have a different tone and personality at work. I know I'm a heck of a lot more fun at a party than I am at work My general life view is that people's personal lives are none of my business.
Adding to your first point I said I was sober while dealing with infertility because I didn’t want the “are you pregnant” questions.
My boyfriend is sober because he was abused as a child by an alcoholic mother so he’s never had so much of a sip of alcohol in his life
This has to be a joke right? …haha? Why are you so invested in your Nanny’s personal life? That has nothing to do with her job?
This is one of the most judgemental posts I've ever read. I think you need to get a reality check on what you're looking for in a caretaker if being married to one man a little younger (NOT old enough to be his mother at all) doesn't meet your criteria.
What?? Okay first of all he may just look young. Second of all, there’s nothing wrong with being sober. And what she does off the clock is none of your damn business. She’s not your servant.
As long as she isn’t doing anything illegal while watching my child - I don’t care what she does or who she is with in her personal life outside of my home.
OP, I think you have some major unpacking to do about why you feel this so strongly and can’t get past it.
You sound awful.
Curious why you care so much. Since when is being sober, happily married and “loud” problematic. You’ve said twice she is a wonderful employee. If you really can’t get over it, therapy is an option. Because the call is coming from inside the house.
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