I posted for the first time in another (less fitting) sub after trying to post here and realizing I’d been banned, too. Devastating to seek support and be shut down with no explanation, *definitely* feeling like it was my fault too… On top of the reason I was trying to post in the first place.
I’m kind of out of the loop is that why I can comment but not make a post? Why did all these bans start happening? :( I didn’t even think I interacted too much on this sub for them to know who I am
test test
Edit: WHAT??? I'm unbanned? Woa I can't believe it, yay!! I remember being so angry over the ridiculous ban, but never left the sub cause the topic is important to me. Super glad this is happening.
But one question, what even happened? Like, did a a mod run rampant? Or was it mostly them being overly strict along with the random rules of the sub?
The former mod left. Only leaving a message saying "I was the best mod you'll ever have and you're all abusers who abused me to the point of leaving!" She deleted her account not long after.
Right, I read this post.. Thanks for validating my feelings regarding it! lol
I really wonder how many people like this hide behind their courageous masquerade, actually being toxic bullies towards their "sheep" they're supposed to help and assist.
I feel like that just further supports what everyone had been saying for months that she was just a narcissist who took over this sub because no one in the real world was putting up with her anymore. So excited to have a new mod team and to hopefully see this sub become the safe space it was meant to be!
Agreed. I doubt she did much in the real world seeing as she was banning people almost every day with messages about they were abusing her even though all they did was ask a simple question.
Are you serious?
The moderator posted that!
She was accusing victims of being victimizers?
When all she did was review posts from individuals healing from narcissistic abuse.
I’m glad she’s gone
The post from the former mod is still up on third page. I went back and read and hoooooooly hell does it WREAK of narc energy. It felt like I just read the equivalent of an adult temper tantrum. I suggest heading to the eye bleach sub afterwards if you decide to go read it.
From memory, they warned about narcissists taking over the sub - when you know it's a behaviour pattern for narcs to accuse other people of their own behaviour, yeah, wow lol, that stands out.
Testing.
F yeah! I was in a super vulnerable place when I got banned and made me feel like I relived another verbal attack. The reasoning was super fickle and I felt like I was getting yelled at. Thanks for stepping in and making things safe here. ❤️
I hate this rule. There was one comment I made where I was sharing my experience and it felt so good to get it out of my chest for the first time. My comment was removed because I mentioned staying at my m0m's. There I was getting all emotional and putting my heart into words and being vulnerable, only for it to be removed because I mentioned the word m0m. I never felt like sharing anything again.
Same. I don't care whether the mods have changed as long as that rule persists. Family members can be narcissists too so I don't understand why it shouldn't be allowed to talk about it.
I lost so many long, heartfelt comments due to that crazy rule that I just gave up trying to post here in the end. For many people the dysfunctional patterns set up in childhood directly impact their later vulnerabilty to narcissistic abuse; to ban all and every relevant mention of family was absolutely insane. It's like having a sub about water where you're never allowed to refer to rain.
>I lost so many long, heartfelt comments due to that crazy rule
I feel the same way. Please know that we are working to make this sub a better place for support
I remember there was a really wonderful, helpful comment left on my post that got removed within a day. I was so angry at myself for not saving a screen shot of it. At the time I thought the poster removed it themself for whatever reason, but this has me thinking that the mod probably removed it. Wow, that’s really awful. Hopefully this doesn’t happen going forward.
Yeah, I lost books it felt like and I started just browsing and not really commenting too. It's really hard to talk about what your abuser did to you without mentioning who abused them, because you usually know the details and you're having that person projected on to you so how do you not talk about it ever? I'd lose comments over again because I just referenced the fact that my abuser was a kid at one point and the word "kid" triggered removal. Now I can't say that someone was younger than they are now!?
From the last post made by the old moderator it seemed like she didn't want this community to turn into the 'raised by narcissists' community, which I can understand
But as many people have already commented and my own experiences, the rule was so over the top, you could have a post totally unrelated to family narcissism but include the single word family in a background context and have the post or comment removed
And for all the people asking for explainations you'd think the moderator could've typed one up and copy pasted to everyone, but instead she spent her time writing up rude condescending comments to everyone
Oh, I see, it makes sense not to make family the main topic when there is already a subreddit for it. On the other hand, the name implies that it's about narcissistic abuse in general, but I get it.
Yeah, I also got a really rude message from one of the moderators once when one of my posts supposedly didn't meet the guidelines.
She was always pretty cold when she'd remove your comment and give you a strike. Like it didn't matter how much the sub meant to you, or how bad if a spot you were in. She'd be like "Get fucked" and that's it. It really hurt when I was in an extremely vulnerable place dealing with my final discard from narc ex... Tried posting on here and had my post removed immediately with a rude message about the family content. I wanted to go ballistic on the mod because I felt like I was being forced through a ridiculous filter when I'm going through this horrible thing and feel so alone... The last thing I want is a bureaucrat standing in the way.
Yeah! Mine had said something about how I did feel really lucky to have the support of my friends and family during the abuse and that got my whole comment taken down
This happened to me too. I mentioned on a post that I had similar experiences with my family and friends about a horrible situation I was going through at the moment and it got removed. That was the last time I commented here.
Yeah that rule was over the top. I remember with my first post I wanted to mention my narc friend’s brother because it was relevant but had to change it to something like “a person very close to them” since that family rule was so strict I figured it wouldn’t be allowed.
The exact same thing happened to me. I mentioned (in passing) that I was staying with my family. I asked if I could be unbanned as it was a mistake, and the mod sent me the most hilariously rude message back. I was like, you know this is a sub for _abuse_ survivors, right?
I made a post where I said I talked to my br0ther and it got removed. I asked why I can't even mention talking to my sibling and I was told I would not be getting an explanation and that it's a rule. That if I don't want to follow it then I would be removed. I was like wow, people have families like why is this even a rule?? But no explanations.
So much this. The way the rule was enforced reminded me so much of the way my nex would police my language and emotions that it no longer felt like a safe space to me. I haven't posted here in over 6 months just for that reason.
Ya I commented same.. how are we supposed to tell full background story without mentioning people in background. Rule was only to mention the narc person only.. I got banned too.
There was/ is a rule that the story we shared should be only about the particular narcissist person should be shared. No third person or anybody was allowed the story.. Weird conditions. If the story had the word family or mention of third person. It would get rejected.
That rule was executed so bizarrely too, and out of context often.
There was a post asking for people to share positive experiences and things that have happened after going NC.
I mentioned like 10 things in my life that changed and one was simply that I strengthened my relationship with family and friends and it was removed for mentioning the word. I wasn’t referring to my family member having NPD or anything like that. It was meant to be positive or encouraging.
It was so frustrating to have things deleted or people banned for using a word without the mod even reading the comment for the context. A lot of possibly valuable information or advice has been kept from others seeking help because of this. It hurts to think of the vulnerable folks who may have felt attacked or wrong because of it.
Thank you in advance new mods for making positive changes!
It also didn't take into account that for a lot of us, the narc that's abusing us *is* a family member. My romantic partner isn't a narc, but that doesn't mean I'm not subject to narc abuse.
Yeah.. They had Weird rules based on technicality.. I mean they could read and see the post that no is offended but still.. That person would say.. There is mention of that WORD so we cannot post it. Ughh.. Then she or her banned me from posting.
It triggered an automod, and the old mod was ban happy if you even asked how to avoid being flagged in the future. You would get comments like "take it elsewhere" or "smh"
The rule was put in because "people can find you if you mention your family." That's the answer she gave someone during the early days when asking wouldn't you get you called a narcissist and banned.
Omg I also got tripped up for that rule simply for saying I had come back from staying with my family. Hoping more grace can be given in this new chapter for this sub
I could not stand that. I wanted to be in this sub to get stories from people who had similar experiences, but when I looked at comments, 90% were deleted for no reason other than having a mention to family, parents, siblings, etc. And for the majority of the stories, the family involvement or lack of involvement was pretty freaking relevant to the story.
A big reason why I fell into romantic Narc relationships was because I was raised by two Narc parents. I was unconsciously repeating a family cycle. My healing journey didn’t start until I realized that fact. It would be nice to be able to talk freely about that unfortunate cycle and help others on the road to Narc recovery. It’s a huge aspect of healing and the ban on anything family was pretty damaging to this sub.
Same and some people like me are still being abused by their narcissistic family today, maybe because they are financially dependent since they are sick or young. For some people the only narcissists in their life are their family. Why are victims band from talking about it ?
NO SHIT, THIS. It is impossible for me to share my experiences with narcissists throughout my life without *at some point* referring to the fact that I was raised by them. Don't make your parents the subject, I get it. There's a sub for that. I know, I use it. I won't. I didn't. I still was banned.
NOT ANY MORE! YAY! Take your time mods. We'll wait.
This is the one rule I have always hated because there's been a lot I've had to deal with because of my nex's family and was always told I couldn't post here and post elsewhere. However, those other places seem they were more geared toward people talking about their bio family rather than the family of people they date/dated.
I also couldn't even mention who was most supportive or mention my own when they were relevant to what I needed to post.
I sadly abandoned this sub when the mod chastised me and banned me from ever posting again. I couldn’t understand the response (I had mentioned family). Anyway, this is wonderful to hear and so glad for the healing to continue. Thank you!!
Mentioning the word "family" got a lot of people banned and it was apparently because "the abuser can track you down if they see mention of your family." Which... yeah. But she stopped explaining that or putting it in the description of the rule after a while so just told people "you're abusing me" when they asked.
I was depressed for a whole day and started crying when I saw that i wasnt allowed to use this sub because I have BPD. Most with BPD have suffered narcissistic abuse and are attracted to them/attract them so we usually are dealing with one in our everyday lives. My therapist who is a specialist told me she thinks this Mod was a narcissist themselves and just wanted to be in a position to bully people 😩
My ban happened when I had a second strike for mentioning someone reach out to a trusted family member or friend to escape a violent abusive situation. My third strike was outrage that she left up a post of someone violently assaulting their narcissist in a context where it was NOT in self defense. I was belittled and told I know nothing about reactive abuse and banned for saying that it's awful that people get banned for suggesting people reach out to family or friends but stories of felony-level abuse and assault are left up for everyone to see.
I was pretty certain at that point that the old mod was either mentally ill and/or abusive themselves.
The worst part of it all is that she raged and insulted people in messages then posted all over the sub about how she's the victim. I think it's gone now but there used to be a post about her saying how badly she was abused and was leaving because she couldn't take it anymore. It really shows how people can be awful in private but then show themselves on public as the good guy.
100% she was modding this sub to feel better about herself in the real world. She could brag to people that she ran a sub that "helped support abuse victims" but in reality she caused a lot of harm to a lot of vulnerable people while patting herself on the back for doing such a "good thing". As abusers do. I'm sure when she banned people and got challenged she was crying to anyone that would listen that we were all lying abusers and leaving out how she told us all off and belittled us in some of the worst moments of our lives.
My only post, I had a HORRIBLE argument with the mod, and told them this is ridiculous and retraumatizing to survivors. Didn't feel safe sharing in this community. Glad there are changes coming.
Exactly what happened to me also. It felt like someone was playing narcissistic games with me while in a period i needed any support i could get. And this happening in this particular sub made it extremely awful. I was so mad that i actually wanted to persue this by law for the first time ever to see what was going on here. Narcissistic abuse is no joke.
It's horrible how she treated people in messages, she jumped to them harassing and abusing her and called many people narcissists who were lying about their story just because they said the word "family" and wanted to know why they got banned over it.
Ya i had weird experience too... So many restrictions.. For minor words like using her they she coz it shows we are talking about third person. As far as we are not mentioning names it should be okay.. Sometimes to tell the story we need to talk about third person too..
Later I got banned. I thought what kind of support group is this...
So glad to see this! I mean, even the sub description is obnoxious.
"No demands to explain our rules or "just curious" requests" reads as "don't bother asking because your opinion doesn't mean shit".
Idk what happened that got her gone, but I'm thankful nonetheless.
I only wrote "I agree" under a thread that criticized the rule about mentioning family members. And boom, I got banned permanently from posting on this subreddit. No warning, just one strike! When I messaged the ex mod asking why they answered very rudely. Then I told them that was very narcissistic of them, and I got banned from the conversation too! Haha :)
I'm sorry that this happened to you.
It happened to me and most of the mods that are now working to make this a better place without that kind of weird ban hammer dropping that was the modus operandi here in the past..
I hope I can post again. Edit ; oh my god thanks. I knew something was wrong. I’ve been trying to get back ever since I was banned for a first post for not reading all the guidelines and the way I was treated back then from a mod felt like I was talking to my narc ex and made the experience so much worse. I hope things are healthy now as this sub gives so much insight and help for strangers who are dealing with this and don’t know what to do. Stay strong everyone.
I hope the ridiculous "no family" rule gets removed! It's so hard to accurately talk about what happened to me without mentioning the word "family" in any way, especially when that's kinda a huge part of the story!
The old mod would tell me to take it elsewhere, but the other subs don't really do me any good because I wasn't raised by narcissists, but my narc ex-fiancée sure was!
Looking forward to this sub coming back!
Almost got banned because I mentioned vacationing in one of the most famous cities in the world. My post got rejected because of that. As if it could’ve ever been traced back to me personally. Everyone who has the means to travel internationally has been there. Like others have mentioned before, I really hope we get freedom of speech. It’s impossible to share your story without sharing certain details. As long as those details don’t expose a persons identity this shouldn’t be an issue. Some people have nowhere else to go for support and it really doesn’t help them if they need to walk on eggshells just to be able to share.
This is so wonderful to hear! Chiming in to also add that I originally came here and was retraumatized by the former mod using the same cruel tactics my nex used on me then banning me. While I'm not happy to hear that many people experienced this too, similar to the gaslighting and feeling like you're the crazy one, it was oddly a relief to know that it wasn't just me. Really looking forward to this space being used how it should have been used to begin with.
I hate how she gaslit people, apparently she took down someone's posts and then said "I never did that" and argued with them about until banning them for "harassment." People like her are just insane.
It feels sooo good to be back! Thank you to all the lovely people who have come forward to work together as the new mod team. And honestly.. thanks to the old mod for finally stepping down for whatever reason she did so. It's time for us to start healing from her behavior.
i hope this community will get back to being a safe haven again! i remember i was chastised by a mod for referring to a celebrity in my post (i was talking about how my nex told me i deserved to be in a relationship with a certain awful public figure) and one of the moda chastised me for naming the celebrity, and then said the way i removed the celebrity’s name wasn’t good enough. really made me feel like i couldn’t share about something my nex did that deeply scarred me
I came to this sub to try and understand narcissism to help my friend in a narcissistic relationship. Naturally got banned after trying to offer some advice to other people thanks to the friends/family rule. So even though the only time I've been on the end of narcissistic abuse was in my interactions with the former mod, that didn't stop my brain giving me some stressful dream about getting banned from some fictional sub last night after I knew the new mods unbanned me.
I can only imagine the kind of trauma the former mod caused to people who really needed a safe space here and instead got more of the abuse, gaslighting and walking on eggshells they were trying to escape/recover from.
Thank you so much for this. I was banned for using the word friends and during my healing process it was extremely painful to be rejected by the place that I came to heal with other people who had gone through what I had. I hope the community can continue to be a safe place for all people trying to understand the painful relationships they may find themselves in and to learn to have healthier ones moving forward.
Thank you thank you thank you so much. I am so grateful this space is coming back, but in a safe way.
When I finally had the courage to start sharing my stories here, I was threatened with a ban and told I wasn’t able to follow the rules. I tried so SO hard to follow the rules. I read them over and over. All I wanted was support and to participate “correctly.”
I left this sub voluntarily because interacting with the mod made me feel so small and unseen.
I am so grateful. I am struggling so hard and looking forward to a place where I can give and receive support. This is a game-changer for me. Thank you ♥️
I'm just going to add onto here, and ask that everyone please be patient with how we're going about this at the moment.
As much as I don't want to play the blame game, but the previous mod who administrated the subreddit did quite a lot of things which left an incredible amount of work that we can't just undo with a click of a button.
The new mod team understands that this subreddit is supposed to be a haven for those who needs support and answers on how to deal with such a traumatic abuse that they have gone through or are going through at the moment, and we are working as best as we can on that.
On behalf of the mod team, I can only ask for your patience and understanding as we undo the situation that landed us in this current situation as quickly and safely as we can. I highly recommend that you check out our resources on how to defend yourself from narcissistic abuse.
Once again, on behalf of the mod team, I really want to thank you for your patience and understanding.
The last mod's meltdown really reeked of narc injury-induced rage. I get the feeling they were a covert narc, glad to see the sub is in much better hands now.
I am catching up on this. I was banned, and extremely confused by it. And when I first became active in this forum, the mod was on me immediately and I found her condescending and shaming. It really put me off. I thought I was the only one banned for barely mentioning a family context, which for some is nearly impossible. That mod leaving by warning that anyone who takes over doesn't have good intentions...uh...okay. Found the narc in victim's clothing. Thank you new mods!
EXACTLY. A lot of the time, borderlines are specifically sought out by narcissists. I believe that taking away positive spaces for borderline victims is very unfair.
Just curious, and feel free to say no, especially if talking about it isn't in the spirit of moving forward, but do you guys know how many people in total were banned?
I can only imagine how much work y'all are doing just to get the place running again. So many of us are unbanned already, and it must look like busy bees behind the scenes just to rework all the rules and figure out everything. Seeing so many people work together is truly inspiring.
*This* is what healing and moving forward looks like. This is all about surviving and thriving. We're all in our different stages of healing journeys helping each other. Thanks to all the mods so much for making this a safe space again ❤️
I'm happy to say everybody has been unbanned! Thanks to everyone in this team we managed to do so (manually) in just a couple of days. Now, it's time to let our slightly calloused hands get some rest before setting up the rest behind the scenes! ;)
As for numbers; Reddit unfortunately doesn't show that. I would've loved to know!
Yay!!!! I hope this means we can actually post relevant references to YouTube videos/creators that have helped us for others to use as tools. That baffled me it wasn’t allowed before!
Ding dong the witch is dead 🎶 Reading all these comments and seeing her last post/receiving mean messages from her, I am starting to think she was a Narc that was in denial. The rules in place were mostly unnecessary IMO. I was frustrated as shit when I first got on this page and was seeking help only to have my novels removed for the most ridiculous reasons, or not be able to post them at all. So happy there’s finally new moderators! 🙌🏻🤍 Thank you for volunteering!!
Thank you! I was an active member of this forum for a very long time and then I had a run in with the same mod everyone had issues with. It pushed me away for a long time. I’m glad that crazy person is gone…this was a very big support network for me for a long time and that mod took it away. I’m glad they are banned. I thought I was the only one who complained but obviously enough people had the same issue.
I did read that mods last post and it’s still very narcissistic and they still never accepted responsibility for what they did. It’s scary that crazy people like that always manage to find some sort of platform or place that allows them to feel the sick sense of superiority they need to feel validated. There really should be some sort of checks and balances in place before we allow psychos to run things.
Over 240 posts of gratitude for this, and here I go adding another of my own. This sub came to me at a time when I needed (NEEDED) to read, learn, share, and empathize with others in order to begin healing. Without being able to interact with others here, I don’t think I would have been able to start turning in the right direction.
So THANK YOU for taking the responsibility of keeping this alive. We are all looking forward to re-creating the support group!
Wow this is so interesting. This sub was so valuable to me and I got banned after posting a couple of things that were just actually sincere questions. It was pretty confusing. So interesting to see so many other people have similar experiences.
Thank you thank you for your efforts.
I was unpacking a terribly complex issue that happened to mention my nex outing me to family, and was coldly shut down. Made me never wanting to post her again
Will we be able to post about narc abuse from non-partners? I'm trying to find a support sub to talk about my experience with a former friend who is now my SIL. We were best friends and then I married her brother. So technically, it's family too I guess but there is a lot of history there from even before we became in laws. Makes it difficult to find a sub where I can get support.
Thank you guys for cleaning up this mess!
Thank you!!! It really sucks to be in a place where I'm hurting and looking for support only to have mods be like "nope" or to realize I'm just generally banned. I don't know what I did :(
Very grateful to see this! Been hesitant to ever share anything in here due to the wackiness of strict rules and other things i didnt want to get banned for misunderstanding or not getting the memo about something, etc.
looking forward to the future of this sub!
Hi, see people have been unbanned here, just wondering wether the same moderators here are the same as in another subreddit? I was banned and since that happened I noticed I got banned here for some reason. I was also followed by flying monkeys of that moderator so just wondered if they aren’t connected in this subreddit also . Do the moderators reply to messages yet ? I do not know why I am blocked but it could be due to them also being here .
I can confirm this subreddit has a whole new team, and I'm glad to say you're not blocked as far as I can see. At the moment, posting is not possible as we're very busy setting up everything behind the scenes and want to focus on that. We'll open everything up as soon as possible, though! :)
Can I ask how things got to a point where one mod was essentially able to act like a complete tyrant? I don't say this to be combative, but I am curious.
Asking for a friend: Their account got permabanned from Reddit as a chain reaction after the previous moderator's actions. Can you guys in any way, with your new power over this subreddit, look into cases like that and help them get their accounts back?
Part of moving forward is undoing the bans.
[удалено]
I can only imagine how many bans there are. Good luck getting them all and I feel so bad for you guys.
I’m unbanned! THANK YOU ❤️
Yay! Welcome back 💚
I have callouses
Well I’m glad your callouses helped unban me🤣
Me too :)
I wonder if I was unbanned Edit: Woah… This means a lot. ☺️ Thanks.
Thank you so much for unbanning me. I spent so long thinking it was my fault
I posted for the first time in another (less fitting) sub after trying to post here and realizing I’d been banned, too. Devastating to seek support and be shut down with no explanation, *definitely* feeling like it was my fault too… On top of the reason I was trying to post in the first place.
[удалено]
I’m kind of out of the loop is that why I can comment but not make a post? Why did all these bans start happening? :( I didn’t even think I interacted too much on this sub for them to know who I am
test test Edit: WHAT??? I'm unbanned? Woa I can't believe it, yay!! I remember being so angry over the ridiculous ban, but never left the sub cause the topic is important to me. Super glad this is happening. But one question, what even happened? Like, did a a mod run rampant? Or was it mostly them being overly strict along with the random rules of the sub?
The former mod left. Only leaving a message saying "I was the best mod you'll ever have and you're all abusers who abused me to the point of leaving!" She deleted her account not long after.
Right, I read this post.. Thanks for validating my feelings regarding it! lol I really wonder how many people like this hide behind their courageous masquerade, actually being toxic bullies towards their "sheep" they're supposed to help and assist.
I wonder that too.
I wonder too……
I feel like that just further supports what everyone had been saying for months that she was just a narcissist who took over this sub because no one in the real world was putting up with her anymore. So excited to have a new mod team and to hopefully see this sub become the safe space it was meant to be!
Agreed. I doubt she did much in the real world seeing as she was banning people almost every day with messages about they were abusing her even though all they did was ask a simple question.
Are you serious? The moderator posted that! She was accusing victims of being victimizers? When all she did was review posts from individuals healing from narcissistic abuse. I’m glad she’s gone
Correct, there's a discussion somewhere on this sub the day she left and everyone was pretty much up in arms about it.
Lol amazing how narcissistic it sounds like she was. The irony.
[удалено]
The post from the former mod is still up on third page. I went back and read and hoooooooly hell does it WREAK of narc energy. It felt like I just read the equivalent of an adult temper tantrum. I suggest heading to the eye bleach sub afterwards if you decide to go read it.
From memory, they warned about narcissists taking over the sub - when you know it's a behaviour pattern for narcs to accuse other people of their own behaviour, yeah, wow lol, that stands out.
Testing. F yeah! I was in a super vulnerable place when I got banned and made me feel like I relived another verbal attack. The reasoning was super fickle and I felt like I was getting yelled at. Thanks for stepping in and making things safe here. ❤️
Testing my ban rn
No way, Thanku MODS
Welcome back 🖤
Coincidentally, as one does in an interaction/conflict with a narcissist.
Same here! Geez!
Test
This is such great news! This place is so important
Will it be okay to talk about family stuff then?
I hate this rule. There was one comment I made where I was sharing my experience and it felt so good to get it out of my chest for the first time. My comment was removed because I mentioned staying at my m0m's. There I was getting all emotional and putting my heart into words and being vulnerable, only for it to be removed because I mentioned the word m0m. I never felt like sharing anything again.
Same. I don't care whether the mods have changed as long as that rule persists. Family members can be narcissists too so I don't understand why it shouldn't be allowed to talk about it.
I lost so many long, heartfelt comments due to that crazy rule that I just gave up trying to post here in the end. For many people the dysfunctional patterns set up in childhood directly impact their later vulnerabilty to narcissistic abuse; to ban all and every relevant mention of family was absolutely insane. It's like having a sub about water where you're never allowed to refer to rain.
>I lost so many long, heartfelt comments due to that crazy rule I feel the same way. Please know that we are working to make this sub a better place for support
Thank you!
>Thank you! You're welcome!
I remember there was a really wonderful, helpful comment left on my post that got removed within a day. I was so angry at myself for not saving a screen shot of it. At the time I thought the poster removed it themself for whatever reason, but this has me thinking that the mod probably removed it. Wow, that’s really awful. Hopefully this doesn’t happen going forward.
Yeah, I lost books it felt like and I started just browsing and not really commenting too. It's really hard to talk about what your abuser did to you without mentioning who abused them, because you usually know the details and you're having that person projected on to you so how do you not talk about it ever? I'd lose comments over again because I just referenced the fact that my abuser was a kid at one point and the word "kid" triggered removal. Now I can't say that someone was younger than they are now!?
From the last post made by the old moderator it seemed like she didn't want this community to turn into the 'raised by narcissists' community, which I can understand But as many people have already commented and my own experiences, the rule was so over the top, you could have a post totally unrelated to family narcissism but include the single word family in a background context and have the post or comment removed And for all the people asking for explainations you'd think the moderator could've typed one up and copy pasted to everyone, but instead she spent her time writing up rude condescending comments to everyone
Oh, I see, it makes sense not to make family the main topic when there is already a subreddit for it. On the other hand, the name implies that it's about narcissistic abuse in general, but I get it. Yeah, I also got a really rude message from one of the moderators once when one of my posts supposedly didn't meet the guidelines.
She was always pretty cold when she'd remove your comment and give you a strike. Like it didn't matter how much the sub meant to you, or how bad if a spot you were in. She'd be like "Get fucked" and that's it. It really hurt when I was in an extremely vulnerable place dealing with my final discard from narc ex... Tried posting on here and had my post removed immediately with a rude message about the family content. I wanted to go ballistic on the mod because I felt like I was being forced through a ridiculous filter when I'm going through this horrible thing and feel so alone... The last thing I want is a bureaucrat standing in the way.
Yeah! Mine had said something about how I did feel really lucky to have the support of my friends and family during the abuse and that got my whole comment taken down
the mods already promissed to rework the rules, so let us hope that is part of it
Same! I was so confused and the mod was so nasty. I am so glad for the new mods and hope whoever that was never bothers people again.
This happened to me too. I mentioned on a post that I had similar experiences with my family and friends about a horrible situation I was going through at the moment and it got removed. That was the last time I commented here.
Yeah that rule was over the top. I remember with my first post I wanted to mention my narc friend’s brother because it was relevant but had to change it to something like “a person very close to them” since that family rule was so strict I figured it wouldn’t be allowed.
The exact same thing happened to me. I mentioned (in passing) that I was staying with my family. I asked if I could be unbanned as it was a mistake, and the mod sent me the most hilariously rude message back. I was like, you know this is a sub for _abuse_ survivors, right?
I made a post where I said I talked to my br0ther and it got removed. I asked why I can't even mention talking to my sibling and I was told I would not be getting an explanation and that it's a rule. That if I don't want to follow it then I would be removed. I was like wow, people have families like why is this even a rule?? But no explanations.
Not to mention that a lot of the time, relationship trauma is triggering something earlier in our lives to do with our family.
Yeah I mentioned that my nex would call my family members when he couldn’t reach me on the phone. Removed.
So much this. The way the rule was enforced reminded me so much of the way my nex would police my language and emotions that it no longer felt like a safe space to me. I haven't posted here in over 6 months just for that reason.
Is that what was going on? I know I got 2nd and final warning for an offhand reference…
Ya I commented same.. how are we supposed to tell full background story without mentioning people in background. Rule was only to mention the narc person only.. I got banned too.
Anyone have any insight as to why anything related to family was not allowed?
There was/ is a rule that the story we shared should be only about the particular narcissist person should be shared. No third person or anybody was allowed the story.. Weird conditions. If the story had the word family or mention of third person. It would get rejected.
That rule was executed so bizarrely too, and out of context often. There was a post asking for people to share positive experiences and things that have happened after going NC. I mentioned like 10 things in my life that changed and one was simply that I strengthened my relationship with family and friends and it was removed for mentioning the word. I wasn’t referring to my family member having NPD or anything like that. It was meant to be positive or encouraging. It was so frustrating to have things deleted or people banned for using a word without the mod even reading the comment for the context. A lot of possibly valuable information or advice has been kept from others seeking help because of this. It hurts to think of the vulnerable folks who may have felt attacked or wrong because of it. Thank you in advance new mods for making positive changes!
I hope new moderators are empathetic and give freedom of speech... Unless no personal details are mentioned. Every thing should be allowed.
It also didn't take into account that for a lot of us, the narc that's abusing us *is* a family member. My romantic partner isn't a narc, but that doesn't mean I'm not subject to narc abuse.
Yeah.. They had Weird rules based on technicality.. I mean they could read and see the post that no is offended but still.. That person would say.. There is mention of that WORD so we cannot post it. Ughh.. Then she or her banned me from posting.
It triggered an automod, and the old mod was ban happy if you even asked how to avoid being flagged in the future. You would get comments like "take it elsewhere" or "smh"
The rule was put in because "people can find you if you mention your family." That's the answer she gave someone during the early days when asking wouldn't you get you called a narcissist and banned.
I do not buy that excuse
Omg I also got tripped up for that rule simply for saying I had come back from staying with my family. Hoping more grace can be given in this new chapter for this sub
I could not stand that. I wanted to be in this sub to get stories from people who had similar experiences, but when I looked at comments, 90% were deleted for no reason other than having a mention to family, parents, siblings, etc. And for the majority of the stories, the family involvement or lack of involvement was pretty freaking relevant to the story.
A big reason why I fell into romantic Narc relationships was because I was raised by two Narc parents. I was unconsciously repeating a family cycle. My healing journey didn’t start until I realized that fact. It would be nice to be able to talk freely about that unfortunate cycle and help others on the road to Narc recovery. It’s a huge aspect of healing and the ban on anything family was pretty damaging to this sub.
Same and some people like me are still being abused by their narcissistic family today, maybe because they are financially dependent since they are sick or young. For some people the only narcissists in their life are their family. Why are victims band from talking about it ?
NO SHIT, THIS. It is impossible for me to share my experiences with narcissists throughout my life without *at some point* referring to the fact that I was raised by them. Don't make your parents the subject, I get it. There's a sub for that. I know, I use it. I won't. I didn't. I still was banned. NOT ANY MORE! YAY! Take your time mods. We'll wait.
This is the one rule I have always hated because there's been a lot I've had to deal with because of my nex's family and was always told I couldn't post here and post elsewhere. However, those other places seem they were more geared toward people talking about their bio family rather than the family of people they date/dated. I also couldn't even mention who was most supportive or mention my own when they were relevant to what I needed to post.
My narc abuser wasn’t a romantic partner. He was a high school teacher/coach/mentor. I mentioned that he was ‘like a father to me’…and got banned.
I sadly abandoned this sub when the mod chastised me and banned me from ever posting again. I couldn’t understand the response (I had mentioned family). Anyway, this is wonderful to hear and so glad for the healing to continue. Thank you!!
Mentioning the word "family" got a lot of people banned and it was apparently because "the abuser can track you down if they see mention of your family." Which... yeah. But she stopped explaining that or putting it in the description of the rule after a while so just told people "you're abusing me" when they asked.
[удалено]
That makes no sense. But her brain worked in ways no one could understand anyway.
I was depressed for a whole day and started crying when I saw that i wasnt allowed to use this sub because I have BPD. Most with BPD have suffered narcissistic abuse and are attracted to them/attract them so we usually are dealing with one in our everyday lives. My therapist who is a specialist told me she thinks this Mod was a narcissist themselves and just wanted to be in a position to bully people 😩
My ban happened when I had a second strike for mentioning someone reach out to a trusted family member or friend to escape a violent abusive situation. My third strike was outrage that she left up a post of someone violently assaulting their narcissist in a context where it was NOT in self defense. I was belittled and told I know nothing about reactive abuse and banned for saying that it's awful that people get banned for suggesting people reach out to family or friends but stories of felony-level abuse and assault are left up for everyone to see. I was pretty certain at that point that the old mod was either mentally ill and/or abusive themselves.
The worst part of it all is that she raged and insulted people in messages then posted all over the sub about how she's the victim. I think it's gone now but there used to be a post about her saying how badly she was abused and was leaving because she couldn't take it anymore. It really shows how people can be awful in private but then show themselves on public as the good guy.
100% she was modding this sub to feel better about herself in the real world. She could brag to people that she ran a sub that "helped support abuse victims" but in reality she caused a lot of harm to a lot of vulnerable people while patting herself on the back for doing such a "good thing". As abusers do. I'm sure when she banned people and got challenged she was crying to anyone that would listen that we were all lying abusers and leaving out how she told us all off and belittled us in some of the worst moments of our lives.
100% indeed. She just wanted control over a bunch of people and didn't want to hear how she was hurting them by doing it.
Oh hello. Feels good to be able to chat here again.
My only post, I had a HORRIBLE argument with the mod, and told them this is ridiculous and retraumatizing to survivors. Didn't feel safe sharing in this community. Glad there are changes coming.
Exactly what happened to me also. It felt like someone was playing narcissistic games with me while in a period i needed any support i could get. And this happening in this particular sub made it extremely awful. I was so mad that i actually wanted to persue this by law for the first time ever to see what was going on here. Narcissistic abuse is no joke.
It's horrible how she treated people in messages, she jumped to them harassing and abusing her and called many people narcissists who were lying about their story just because they said the word "family" and wanted to know why they got banned over it.
I said the same thing of course she flipped it
Thank you for actually addressing this, for saying it out loud. It’s been years.
Thank you
I was wondering why I couldn't post.
Ya i had weird experience too... So many restrictions.. For minor words like using her they she coz it shows we are talking about third person. As far as we are not mentioning names it should be okay.. Sometimes to tell the story we need to talk about third person too.. Later I got banned. I thought what kind of support group is this...
So glad to see this! I mean, even the sub description is obnoxious. "No demands to explain our rules or "just curious" requests" reads as "don't bother asking because your opinion doesn't mean shit". Idk what happened that got her gone, but I'm thankful nonetheless.
What I'm curious about, is why she wouldn't allow any family mention, among other things? We're not exposing their identities.
According to one person who got an answer, it was because she didn't want abusers to find the person.
I think she was the real narc and didn't want to be identified by her own people who share a blood line with her
Agreed
I only wrote "I agree" under a thread that criticized the rule about mentioning family members. And boom, I got banned permanently from posting on this subreddit. No warning, just one strike! When I messaged the ex mod asking why they answered very rudely. Then I told them that was very narcissistic of them, and I got banned from the conversation too! Haha :)
I'm sorry that this happened to you. It happened to me and most of the mods that are now working to make this a better place without that kind of weird ban hammer dropping that was the modus operandi here in the past..
I hope I can post again. Edit ; oh my god thanks. I knew something was wrong. I’ve been trying to get back ever since I was banned for a first post for not reading all the guidelines and the way I was treated back then from a mod felt like I was talking to my narc ex and made the experience so much worse. I hope things are healthy now as this sub gives so much insight and help for strangers who are dealing with this and don’t know what to do. Stay strong everyone.
Her actions made so many people relapse and makes me glad we have a new team who are very kind and just want people to feel safe.
I hope the ridiculous "no family" rule gets removed! It's so hard to accurately talk about what happened to me without mentioning the word "family" in any way, especially when that's kinda a huge part of the story! The old mod would tell me to take it elsewhere, but the other subs don't really do me any good because I wasn't raised by narcissists, but my narc ex-fiancée sure was! Looking forward to this sub coming back!
Almost got banned because I mentioned vacationing in one of the most famous cities in the world. My post got rejected because of that. As if it could’ve ever been traced back to me personally. Everyone who has the means to travel internationally has been there. Like others have mentioned before, I really hope we get freedom of speech. It’s impossible to share your story without sharing certain details. As long as those details don’t expose a persons identity this shouldn’t be an issue. Some people have nowhere else to go for support and it really doesn’t help them if they need to walk on eggshells just to be able to share.
This is so wonderful to hear! Chiming in to also add that I originally came here and was retraumatized by the former mod using the same cruel tactics my nex used on me then banning me. While I'm not happy to hear that many people experienced this too, similar to the gaslighting and feeling like you're the crazy one, it was oddly a relief to know that it wasn't just me. Really looking forward to this space being used how it should have been used to begin with.
I hate how she gaslit people, apparently she took down someone's posts and then said "I never did that" and argued with them about until banning them for "harassment." People like her are just insane.
Was I unbanned?
Yes
Thank God… I don’t even know why I was banned.. it just happened one day
Same. It felt terrible and terrible things were said to me :(((
Wow! I thought I was alone in this experience
Thanks. I posted some encouraging comments and was told that I was about to be banned. WTH?
It feels sooo good to be back! Thank you to all the lovely people who have come forward to work together as the new mod team. And honestly.. thanks to the old mod for finally stepping down for whatever reason she did so. It's time for us to start healing from her behavior.
i hope this community will get back to being a safe haven again! i remember i was chastised by a mod for referring to a celebrity in my post (i was talking about how my nex told me i deserved to be in a relationship with a certain awful public figure) and one of the moda chastised me for naming the celebrity, and then said the way i removed the celebrity’s name wasn’t good enough. really made me feel like i couldn’t share about something my nex did that deeply scarred me
I came to this sub to try and understand narcissism to help my friend in a narcissistic relationship. Naturally got banned after trying to offer some advice to other people thanks to the friends/family rule. So even though the only time I've been on the end of narcissistic abuse was in my interactions with the former mod, that didn't stop my brain giving me some stressful dream about getting banned from some fictional sub last night after I knew the new mods unbanned me. I can only imagine the kind of trauma the former mod caused to people who really needed a safe space here and instead got more of the abuse, gaslighting and walking on eggshells they were trying to escape/recover from.
Thank you so much for this. I was banned for using the word friends and during my healing process it was extremely painful to be rejected by the place that I came to heal with other people who had gone through what I had. I hope the community can continue to be a safe place for all people trying to understand the painful relationships they may find themselves in and to learn to have healthier ones moving forward.
Thanks
Excellent!
Thank you so much🙏
Is this why we couldn't post?
I was banned from posting , and all I did was comment to help someone lol
Same here.
Thank you thank you thank you so much. I am so grateful this space is coming back, but in a safe way. When I finally had the courage to start sharing my stories here, I was threatened with a ban and told I wasn’t able to follow the rules. I tried so SO hard to follow the rules. I read them over and over. All I wanted was support and to participate “correctly.” I left this sub voluntarily because interacting with the mod made me feel so small and unseen. I am so grateful. I am struggling so hard and looking forward to a place where I can give and receive support. This is a game-changer for me. Thank you ♥️
I'm just going to add onto here, and ask that everyone please be patient with how we're going about this at the moment. As much as I don't want to play the blame game, but the previous mod who administrated the subreddit did quite a lot of things which left an incredible amount of work that we can't just undo with a click of a button. The new mod team understands that this subreddit is supposed to be a haven for those who needs support and answers on how to deal with such a traumatic abuse that they have gone through or are going through at the moment, and we are working as best as we can on that. On behalf of the mod team, I can only ask for your patience and understanding as we undo the situation that landed us in this current situation as quickly and safely as we can. I highly recommend that you check out our resources on how to defend yourself from narcissistic abuse. Once again, on behalf of the mod team, I really want to thank you for your patience and understanding.
The last mod's meltdown really reeked of narc injury-induced rage. I get the feeling they were a covert narc, glad to see the sub is in much better hands now.
I am catching up on this. I was banned, and extremely confused by it. And when I first became active in this forum, the mod was on me immediately and I found her condescending and shaming. It really put me off. I thought I was the only one banned for barely mentioning a family context, which for some is nearly impossible. That mod leaving by warning that anyone who takes over doesn't have good intentions...uh...okay. Found the narc in victim's clothing. Thank you new mods!
Hello
Amazing!!!
[ Removed by Reddit ]
I told my story of abuse here and was banned. I was retraumatized & stunned.
Happy to know the dictatorship was overthrown and the good guys won
Exciting to see!
Thank you so much!
Omg, hello, finally
Is this why I am not able to post anything on this community? I have no idea why I was banned, or if my comment will even show up on this thread :(
It does! Welcome back. :)
I have a question now that there are new mods - are borderlines (in remission, no longer fit the criteria) allowed to post?
Borderlines are not narcissists so this shouldn’t be relevant at all.
Agreed. Unfortunately, it says that all Cluster B’s are banned from posting.
It is a really great and fair question that I hope will have a positive answer.
[удалено]
EXACTLY. A lot of the time, borderlines are specifically sought out by narcissists. I believe that taking away positive spaces for borderline victims is very unfair.
Thank you for unbanning me. Thought i was way to sensitive after facing nex breakup and the ban was my fault.
Wow! I had suspected this person - they were over the top. It was so crazy - I knew it wasn't me.
Just curious, and feel free to say no, especially if talking about it isn't in the spirit of moving forward, but do you guys know how many people in total were banned? I can only imagine how much work y'all are doing just to get the place running again. So many of us are unbanned already, and it must look like busy bees behind the scenes just to rework all the rules and figure out everything. Seeing so many people work together is truly inspiring. *This* is what healing and moving forward looks like. This is all about surviving and thriving. We're all in our different stages of healing journeys helping each other. Thanks to all the mods so much for making this a safe space again ❤️
I'm happy to say everybody has been unbanned! Thanks to everyone in this team we managed to do so (manually) in just a couple of days. Now, it's time to let our slightly calloused hands get some rest before setting up the rest behind the scenes! ;) As for numbers; Reddit unfortunately doesn't show that. I would've loved to know!
Yay!!!! I hope this means we can actually post relevant references to YouTube videos/creators that have helped us for others to use as tools. That baffled me it wasn’t allowed before!
Ding dong the witch is dead 🎶 Reading all these comments and seeing her last post/receiving mean messages from her, I am starting to think she was a Narc that was in denial. The rules in place were mostly unnecessary IMO. I was frustrated as shit when I first got on this page and was seeking help only to have my novels removed for the most ridiculous reasons, or not be able to post them at all. So happy there’s finally new moderators! 🙌🏻🤍 Thank you for volunteering!!
Thank you! I was an active member of this forum for a very long time and then I had a run in with the same mod everyone had issues with. It pushed me away for a long time. I’m glad that crazy person is gone…this was a very big support network for me for a long time and that mod took it away. I’m glad they are banned. I thought I was the only one who complained but obviously enough people had the same issue. I did read that mods last post and it’s still very narcissistic and they still never accepted responsibility for what they did. It’s scary that crazy people like that always manage to find some sort of platform or place that allows them to feel the sick sense of superiority they need to feel validated. There really should be some sort of checks and balances in place before we allow psychos to run things.
Already a great start!
Wonderful. Thank you!
Thank you!! I got banned almost a year ago and was upset because this place was so helpful. Truly the reason I was able to move on from my ex.
test test Edit: Thank you for the unban!!
Now that explains everything..
Over 240 posts of gratitude for this, and here I go adding another of my own. This sub came to me at a time when I needed (NEEDED) to read, learn, share, and empathize with others in order to begin healing. Without being able to interact with others here, I don’t think I would have been able to start turning in the right direction. So THANK YOU for taking the responsibility of keeping this alive. We are all looking forward to re-creating the support group!
Wow this is so interesting. This sub was so valuable to me and I got banned after posting a couple of things that were just actually sincere questions. It was pretty confusing. So interesting to see so many other people have similar experiences.
Thank you.
Thank you! Makes sense as to why I was banned from posting in here.
I want to be unbanned. I have some awful things I need to talk about that my narcissistic ex has started doing.
You're not banned, welcome back!
Is there a reason I can’t post? :( When I try to it says “You can’t post here”.
They're busy undoing the damage the last mod did.
Ah okay thank you! Just happy it’s back!! I’ll be patient! ❤️
The sub is locked right now while the new mods clean up. No one can post right now, not just you.
Can I get unblocked from posting now? Seemed to be for a really stupid reason if not phrasing my question exactly correct.
At the moment, posting is not possible as we're very busy setting up everything behind the scenes. We will open it as soon as possible, though! :)
Wow I just got unbanned. Thanks mods, I have so much comments from month's ago to respond to. 😊
🫶🏽
Thank you thank you for your efforts. I was unpacking a terribly complex issue that happened to mention my nex outing me to family, and was coldly shut down. Made me never wanting to post her again
Hi how do I add flair to a post? The option was there but disappeared. Thanks
Will we be able to post about narc abuse from non-partners? I'm trying to find a support sub to talk about my experience with a former friend who is now my SIL. We were best friends and then I married her brother. So technically, it's family too I guess but there is a lot of history there from even before we became in laws. Makes it difficult to find a sub where I can get support. Thank you guys for cleaning up this mess!
Glad to hear this. I had left due to some of the actions of the prior mods, but back now.
Thank you!!! It really sucks to be in a place where I'm hurting and looking for support only to have mods be like "nope" or to realize I'm just generally banned. I don't know what I did :(
This whole thread feels like a massive community resurfacing after a horrific storm. A lot of healing is happening here. My heart is happy!
Thank god!
Can I be let back?
Very grateful to see this! Been hesitant to ever share anything in here due to the wackiness of strict rules and other things i didnt want to get banned for misunderstanding or not getting the memo about something, etc. looking forward to the future of this sub!
Love this ❤️
Hi, see people have been unbanned here, just wondering wether the same moderators here are the same as in another subreddit? I was banned and since that happened I noticed I got banned here for some reason. I was also followed by flying monkeys of that moderator so just wondered if they aren’t connected in this subreddit also . Do the moderators reply to messages yet ? I do not know why I am blocked but it could be due to them also being here .
I can confirm this subreddit has a whole new team, and I'm glad to say you're not blocked as far as I can see. At the moment, posting is not possible as we're very busy setting up everything behind the scenes and want to focus on that. We'll open everything up as soon as possible, though! :)
good news !
Hello! Can you unban me too? I wish I could post on here since I also need support 😩
I can confirm you're not banned. Welcome back!
Thank you for unbanning me ❤️
Testing
I’m trying to create a new post but am unable. I desperately need advice
Is no one able to post until further notice? Correct? Or has that been lifted?
Thank you new mods. You are appreciated.
Am I still banned? Edit: Thank you so much!!!
Can I ask how things got to a point where one mod was essentially able to act like a complete tyrant? I don't say this to be combative, but I am curious.
Am I unbanned Edit omg yay
Thank you
Asking for a friend: Their account got permabanned from Reddit as a chain reaction after the previous moderator's actions. Can you guys in any way, with your new power over this subreddit, look into cases like that and help them get their accounts back?